"Creatures!" barked the massive Barghest at the front of the lecture hall. "If you would come to order, we can begin." None of the beings present seemed to hear him, or didn't care enough to give the towering black dog-beast the attention he desired. Lips quivered along the sides of his muzzle as he fought to keep his legendary ferocity at bay.
"Please, Professor Yorkshire," said a calming voice from the front row, "allow me to help." The Barghest sighed, nodded towards his teaching assistant and raised his paws to shield his eyes. The white coated, pink haired Alicorn stood from her seat, flapped into the air above the crowd, and, in a flash, the room was engulfed in blinding white light streaming from the windows. "Everyone," she said in a soothing, yet commanding voice, "please come to order so the professor may begin class." The dull roar of forty voices soon became a murmur which eased into silence.
"Thank you," said Yorkshire as he stood behind his lectern and shuffled a pile of scrolls. "The brilliant young lady taking her seat is Celestia, my teaching assistant for the semester. I am Professor Yorkshire, and this is Eternal-Personal Skills 101." He turned around to the wall length chalkboard and began scratching his name and office location for all to see, his claws delicately gripping the chalk. "This is, of course, a required class for all students here at the University," he said, "but don't think it will be simple. Many of you are among other eternal beings for the first time, and probably couldn't tell the difference between a Sphinx and a Lamassu. We are here to make sure that, when you leave here, you know how to speak to and interact with fellow eternals, no matter from where they might hail." He set down the chalk and wiped his dust covered paws on his pants. "Now, the textbooks that we shall be using is..."
"Eternal-Personal Skills, my..." said Discord before he flipped his long neck backwards over his chair and inspected his rear, "eh, half-hairy, half-scaly butt. They just want us to 'play nice.'"
"Glub, blorp, gurgle... Splort plbbbt," said the pile of green ooze in the seat to his left. "Splshhh, gurgle plop phrrrrp."
"You're as bad as my old guidance counselor, Smooze," said the Draconequus, "What's the point of being a nigh omnipotent being of pure chaos if I'm forced to sit through this drek."
"Glorp." gurgled The Smooze.
"Sorry, pal," said Discord, "-if we have to sit through it." He pulled a textbook from his ear and dropped it on the desk in front of him. "I wish they'd just let me take my Xaosimagic classes so I could be on my way, spreading the joy of Chaos wherever I go." He gave a yawn and pulled his paw through the small chin beard he desperately wished would stop taking its sweet time. "Might as well take care of my notes," he said as he plucked a feather from his wing and set it to dragging itself over the already script filled pages. Ink pulled itself from the parchment and into the hollow quill. He leaned forwards, rested his elbows on the desk and held his chin with his talon and paw.
Discord was halfway through a particularly enjoyable daydream involving a giant tabby terrorizing Professor Yorkshire when a gloopy appendage soaked his elbow, causing it to slip and bring his head crashing down onto his desk. "Smoozey, you have terrible timing," he muttered, "it was just about to chase him up a tree." The Smooze stared back at Discord. "What?" asked the Draconequus. "Use your words Smooze. You and body language don't get along."
"I believe he was saying, 'Wake up, the Professor is asking you a question,'" growled the Barghest. "Thank you for making my point. This is why Eternal-personal skills are so important. This time, our Draconequus friend here might have been saved some embarrassment; next time, who knows, he may forestall a blood feud with Mischief Imps."
"As if a few imps would trouble me," muttered Discord under his breath.
"What was that?" barked the Professor.
"I said, 'exactly right, we should all be so lucky to learn at your paws'," said Discord, sarcasm dripping from his words: Literal droplets of concentrated sarcasm splashed onto his desktop, staining it with stylistic doodles of bored Draconequui rolling their eyes.
"Every year," said the legendary canine as he shook his head in frustration. The ringing of bells from the campanile at the center of campus immediately led to the rustling of books and shuffling of students eager to escape to the rest of their day. "Remember to read the first chapter," shouted Professor Yorkshire over the din of departing beings, "and bring two examples of body language unique to your species."
Discord squeezed out of the too-small desk and cracked his many, many vertebrae. "What a way to end the week," he groused, "the things we do for unlimited power."
"It's not so bad," said a gentle voice, "given the alternatives."
"And they are?" asked Discord, turning to face the eavesdropper.
"Well," said Celestia, "there's the chance of not moving onto the more 'fun' subjects." She stopped next to the draconequus and smiled.
Discord smirked and snapped taloned fingers together, surrounding both of them in a brief flash of light. A mortarboard and graduation robe appeared on each of them. "I'm gifted," he said proudly, "I can always find other ways to get the advanced lessons I need."
Celestia calmly lifted the square, board-topped, hat from her mane with her magic and held it before him. "Clearly," she said with a smile, "though I would keep working on the basics." She levitated the mortarboard, and the hissing snake masquerading as a tassel, that sat atop it. "Or is this some insight into the inherently dangerous nature of knowledge."
Discord waved his paw, dismissing the garments. "It's been a long week," he said, "but yes, why would I bother being here unless I found it easier to get the knowledge I need from the staff."
"Glorp, goosh splllllt, fbbbbr glulp," said The Smooze.
"Geez, Smoozester," said Discord, "is that all you ever think of?"
"Why thank you," said Celestia to the Ooze, "I do try to keep my coat as shiny as possible."
"You speak Smooze," said Discord, his doubt evident in his narrowed eyes. "A language spoken by one creature; this creature." He snapped his fingers again, manifesting a colander atop his head. "Your kind can't read minds," he asked warily, "can they?"
Celestia laughed and shook her head from side to side, sending her pink tresses cascading over her face. "No, no," she said trying to fight off the giggles, "nothing like that. I'm just naturally empathetic. I get other ponies... err beings. The words aren't always there, but the intent usually is. Your friend was obviously complimenting me, and I do recall the Ooze-kin valuing shiny things above all else."
"Interesting," said Discord, once again stroking his non-existent goatee. "Say, I don't suppose you can tell me what I value above all else..."
"Well that's pretty obvious," said the mare, "but honestly, this class isn't that difficult, there's really no need to cheat." She looked over her shoulder at now empty lecture hall. "And you've already got a good start with Mr. Smooze here." She turned and climbed the rest of the steps to the exit before turning around. "I can tell you that the Professor does give special consideration to those who make an effort to socialize with the other beings outside of class," she said before striding from the classroom. "I've even seen him give class credit for particularly engaged students."
"Socialize eh?" asked Discord, a glint of mischief in his eyes. "Smooze, let's get back to the house: We have a weekend to plan."
The Kappa Omega Sigma house was in a serious state of disrepair. It wasn't entirely the previous tenant's collective fault: The Greek council originally placed it as far off the well trod path as possible so campus services rarely made the effort to collect the trash or maintain the grounds. The centaurs and satyrs didn't want a bunch of upstart beings of chaos square in the middle of their perfect little world. It suited Discord just fine: His first foray into hedge maze cultivation was coming along nicely thanks to the lack of attention from the powers that be. He and Smooze sat on the columned porch, the Draconequus sipping from a jeweled chalice.
"No, we tried that last semester," he said to the ooze-kin, "Much as I loathe to admit it, my mastery of extra-dimensional tears is crude to say the least. I really don't want to go back to that place with the hairless apes, besides, I don't think the good Professor would count that." He shivered at the memory and tossed a pawful of chromed ball bearings to The Smooze.
"Gurgle splsssssss, blooop plorp?" asked the ooze after his little light show. "Olrop, glomp psshssss, burble splat."
"And how would we get into one of their little soirees?" asked Discord. "I get the stink-eye from the Archons before I'm anywhere near their precious little domain of boring." He gave an exaggerated sigh and took another sip of pilfered ambrosia wine. "I dunno, maybe we should just head over to the commons and see if those dog-headed guys are playing ultimate discus." The Smooze slumped down, or, rather, he spread out in disappointment.
"E...excuse us?" asked a bedraggled voice from the maze's exit. "Might this be the Kappa Omega Sigma house?"
"What does the plaque say?" asked an irritated Discord, pointing at the sign that hung from the balcony above.
"Um... Ra is a bird brained...'," the small blue winged equine blushed furiously, "we would rather not finish..."
Discord snorted in laughter. "Oh yeah," he said, wiping a tear from his eye, "good old Set. That guy was a legend; a legend with family issues, but a legend nonetheless." He took a closer look at the visitor. "Two ponies in one day," he said, "what are the odds."
"Here," said the small alicorn, her horn alight with a flickering blue aura, "We have been instructed to deliver this missive unto thee." She floated an envelope from a small satchel slung across her back into the Draconequus' taloned hand.
Discord eyed the envelope warily. The gold embossed lettering was enough to boil his blood: Pi Alpha Chi, the goodiest of the goody-two and four shoes; and a few 6 shoes. He looked over the envelope at the annoyed looking alicorn. "If this is another complaint, I'll add it to the pile," he said. The entire common room was wallpapered in complaints the KOS house had accumulated over the centuries.
"As if we cared," muttered the alicorn. "Couldst thou direct us back towards the dormitories?" she asked, "thy maze has us most confounded, and we couldn't fly and follow the street signs."
Discord, already intrigued by the letter, waved in a random direction, "Oh, over there, somewhere, just go over there." He ignored the sputtering alicorn and marched back up to his rockingthrone. He slipped a talon through the envelope and pulled out a heavily embellished card covered in yet more delicate golden calligraphy. "Ahem," he coughed while magicing a powdered wig and frilly cravat onto himself
The Greek council extends an invitation to the members of Kappa Omega Sigma to this weekend's inter-organization mixer to be held at the Pi Alpha Chi house. Formal attire requested; refreshments to be provided.
The most honorable and benevolent Ninigi
"Smooze my boy," said Discord, "break out your swankiest duds."
"You have no business here creature of chaos," stated the emerald-skinned winged biped. Clad in a flowing white robe with silver piping, it exuded an aura that gave Discord an itch in his back. The Archons, as rigid and stoic as always, stood in front of the massive gleaming gates that separated the PAX house from the rest of campus.
"Oh, but we do!" exclaimed Discord, "you see? A letter from the grand poobah himself." He lifted the invitation and held it in front of the sentry's pure white eyes before trying to push past them. The Archon materialized his waist high golden trumpet and swung it between Discord and the gate.
"As if Ninigi would willingly associate himself with the likes of you," spat the Archon.
"Oh, alright," said Discord, putting on his best hangdog look. "I guess I'll just take my completely legitimate invitation with me and tell everyone I meet about the time The Honorable and Benevolent Ninigi lied to us." He tugged on The Smooze and began walking from the gate.
"Wait..." said the Archon. Discord turned and smiled. "The dweomer upon the invitation cannot be faked," he said, "nor could it be altered. I will not accept an oath from a born liar, but I will not allow you to slander the good name of Pi Alpha Chi." He pulled his trumpet to his mouth and blew through it. At the horn's clarion call, the gate opened. "We will not be made fools of, Chaos-spawn," warned the Archon.
"Glorp!" said The Smooze.
Discord doubled over in laughter. "Oh Smooze, do go easy on the poor fellow," he said while ushering his friend down the golden bricked path towards the house, "don't waste your legendary wit on the bouncer." He ignored the dirty looks the archon flashed them as they made their way across the immaculate lawn. "Now remember Smoozey," he said, "best-ish behavior. A simple interaction with any of these beings should be enough to sate Professor Dogbreath, and then we're on our way to Advanced Chaos Theory."
"Splat blorp!" said The Smooze.
"Me?" asked Discord innocently, "Why, I'm the epitome of class and culture." He tightened his lime green polka dotted bow tie and placed his paw on the front door. "Why, I'd be surprised if I'm not inducted into more than a few stodgy secret societies by the end of the night. Now, prepare to suffer the horror that is proper order." He took a deep breath and pulled open the large oaken doors.
The large foyer could have held all of KOS house. Four burnished gold chandeliers hung from the ceiling, their light being provided by bottled fire elementals. The floor was the most elegant of all marble, each tile's intricate veins flowing seamlessly into the next. A massive staircase led to the house's second story, where, upon the landing, stood the members of Pi Alpha Chi. At the base of the stairs stood several large golden stanchions with a dark red velvet rope stretched between them. The beings above talked amongst themselves, occasionally looking below to point out one of the many party guests milling about. He recognized a few, including Celestia, and the Kirin escorting her, Ninigi. He seemed to follow the alicorn like a lovestruck puppy, or a hunting wolf, Discord couldn't quite tell which.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," muttered Discord as he observed the other party guests lazily chatting around a long table of refreshments. On one side of the room, the Dryads, Nereids, and Oreads; Nymphs from the Nature club, were ignored by a formation of Modrons from the engineering club. A pair of young Bronze dragons were engaged in a heated staring match with Green and Red cousins across the room. Discord sighed and floated over to a pair of Oreads. The stone and gem studded beauties whispered between each other and snorted in laughter, the tangle of branches and vines that formed their hair shaking in mirth.
"You ladies are looking particularly... polished," he said awkwardly, "The Smooze and I were just wondering if you knew when the party actually started."
"Glorp, splutter blorch spromp," bubbled The Smooze.
One of the Oreads stepped away as a stray droplet of Smooze flew her way. "What are you talking about?" she asked, "we've been here for hours. She looked at a large golden clock on the wall. "Well, it felt like hours," she said.
"Have you tried the punch?" the other mountain nymph asked. "It's quite... adequate."
"We'll do that..." said Discord as he backed away. He pulled the Smooze along towards the refreshments and picked up a fine crystal glass and ladled in a bit of light red punch. He turned and looked for someone the least bit interesting. He absently sipped at the beverage and sputtered comically. "Ugh," he exclaimed, "this is water!"
"The residents of this domicile do not enjoy boisterous flavors," said a cubic modron. "This unit detects no less than one part per hundred of hyrdosol solution of the Rosa genus. This unit finds such flavorings extravagant." The geometrically shaped clockwork creature spun several gears on its face, which Discord took to be a sign of distaste.
"Yes," muttered Discord, "of course." He set the glass atop the modron and walked over to the duo of chromatic dragons. They, at the very least, would have a little fire in their bellies. "What's up my Draconic comrades," he said happily.
"Can it you freak of nature," growled the bulky green drake, "can't you see we're busy."
Discord conjured a magnifying glass into his paw and thoroughly examined the pair of dragons as they continued their death stare with the two bronze dragons across the room. "I respect the irrational hatred," he said, "but wouldn't it actually be, you know, fun, to go have a spirited argument? Maybe spit a little flame at each other, partake in all those dragon games that I'm never invited to."
"They ain't worth it," spat the Red, "besides, I don't really feel like bringing down the wrath of the hosts." He nodded his head up at the imperious Pi Alpha Chi members above. "Now get out of here," he said, "you're ruining my glower."
Discord floated back to the center of the room. "I'm trying here," he said angrily, "I'm trying, Smooze, and they don't even care." He glared up at the paragons of order and goodness literally looking down on them. "I tried it on their terms," he said while loosening his bow tie, "now it's my turn. Smooze, why don't you go indulge your sweet tooth. Explore the house and meet me back here when you hear the screaming."
"Sportch!" exclaimed The Smooze, before oozing towards the large statuette in the corner of the reception hall.
Discord dropped his hoof and clawed foot to the ground and began striding about the room in a winding, nonsensical path. In his wake, the patterns in the marble tiles changed in the most minute, nearly imperceptible, ways. He ended his little sojourn back at the refreshments table and tapped on the modron's back. "Say old...cube," he said jovially, "did you see the daring changes to the decor? As a connoisseur of fine... flooring, I must say that the new tiling is quite smashing."
The clockwork creature bent over and observed the ground intently. "Fascinating," it said, its attention focused on the new patterns. Its compatriots soon joined it, following it from tile to tile, exchanging notes on each individual tile. Soon, a tetrahedral modron produced a pad of graph paper, and the creatures were busy devising a detailed survey of the flooring.
Discord smiled and walked to the punch bowl. He concentrated and snapped his talons, producing a bag of nails in the palm of his paw. He quickly dumped the hardware into the punchbowl and stirred it slowly with the ladle. The nails dissolved, leaving the red punch slightly darker and significantly fizzier. He filled two glasses and carried them over to the Oreads. "Ladies!" he said happily, "You were absolutely right. This punch is absolutely amazing." He offered the two a glass each and smiled widely as they cautiously sipped at the bubbling concoction. The rock-skinned beauties took another sip; then a deep swig; and before long, they were holding the glasses upside down to get the very last drops into their mouths. Before long they and their Dryad and Nereid cousins were parked in front of the punch bowl slaking a newfound thirst.
Discord cracked his knuckles and wiggled his fingers. He stepped behind the bronze drakes and threw his voice across the hall. "Tiamat's a bloated cow!" he shouted, before slipping away and circling around behind the fuming chromatic dragons. "Bahamut's a rust bucket!" he shouted back. The two opposing groups of dragons began stalking around the room in circles, always keeping the other clique in their sights. Puffs of smoke began pouring from their nostrils as the dragons' fury built.
Discord confidently strode to the base of the stairs, looked upon his works, and smiled. The nymphs, now suitably inebriated by the spiked punch, were beginning to dance and sing spontaneously. This of course frustrated the modrons to no end. The clockwork automata's survey was interrupted, causing them to cluster together and organize a new search grid, which was immediately disrupted by the spontaneous dance of yet another nymph. The piece de resistance came when a smaller modron, completely engrossed in a tile near the edge of the room, went unnoticed by the large green drake. As it stubbed its clawed toe against the heavy metal cube, a gout of flame shot out of his snout and directly at the duo of bronze dragons. Soon, the four dragons were flapping above the crowd, exchanging small bolts of fire.
"What is this?" shouted a commanding voice, "Stop right now!" If any of the guests heard, or cared, they didn't show it. The modrons were so intrigued with their cataloging, they barely noticed the small cinders raining down from above, or the periodic bump from a passing Oread; the nymphs themselves were completely blitzed and were only getting started with their rowdiness; and the dragons were so deep into their blood rage, that they had begun bearing claws.
"You!" shouted Ninigi. "This is your work!" He strode down the steps on his four hooves and bared his long antlers as if he planned to gore the Draconequus. Discord stood impassively as the kirin slipped his antlers under the velvet rope and slung it and the connected solid golden stanchions across the room, sending them crashing into a wall. "How dare you intrude upon my party," he growled, flashing the sharp teeth inside his draconic mouth, "spreading your filthy chaos like a diseased rat." He stopped face to face with Discord and let out a low growl. "Leave now," he roared.
"Oh loosen up, you scaly stick in the mud," replied Discord. He produced the invitation and flicked it into the kirin's face. "You invited me," he said, "so you obviously wanted this to actually be a party, and not whatever was going on when I first got here. Really, why even invite these good beings over if you're going to stand up there and ignore them?"
Ninigi's horns lit with magical fire and incinerated the invitation before it touched him, the ashes staining the polished redwood stairs. "They know their place, abomination," he said, "know your own."
Discord watched as the assorted minor kirin, archons, and other celestial paragons of order began descending the stairs, their righteous fury palpable in the air: Their sheer horror at the unfolding chaos below evident in their gaze.
Discord doubled over in laughter. He cackled and hooted until he started coughing from the overexertion. He snapped his claw and a disembodied hand slapped him on the back several times until he finally began winding down into a low chuckle. "What's two stories tall, green, and a heck of a lot of fun at parties?" asked Discord abruptly, as he wiped the tears from his eyes with the tail of the tall kirin's tuxedo coat.
"Wha...?" asked Ninigi, taken aback and confused at the Draconequus' actions.
"The Smooze on a bender!" cackled Discord with glee. He pointed to the blob pushing its way back into the reception hall, its dopey smile as large as the chandelier he was currently devouring. In a surprising show of speed, The Smooze launched itself up to the second floor landing and began devouring the golden filigreed decor that dominated the Pi Alpha Chi house, while growing larger with every bite.
"Stop him!" shouted Ninigi to his fellows. Magical auras popped into existence around all of the creatures on the stairs, all except Celestia who watched on with an excited grin. Sensing the magical energy, The Smooze let loose and flowed down the stairs like a tidal wave of green slime.
"Ze magics," shouted a schnauzer-faced hound archon as he was swept down the stairs, "Zey do nothing!"
Discord spread his arms to the side and closed his eyes. The sheer volume of Smooze carried the entire party into the reception hall, coating the entire room in four feet of goopy ooze. The sounds of coughing and sputtering filled the large foyer as the beings tried to extricate themselves from the slippery, magic resistant Smooze. Discord grabbed a gob of his friend and hurled it at the nearest Oread, who laughed in delight and returned fire. The battle was soon joined, even by the Dragons, who could see the humor and fun to be had by setting aside their blood feud, if only for the night. The Modrons soon had a command and control system set up and were lobbing gooey artillery strikes from a makeshift trebuchet.
"Stop this at once," shouted Ninigi, his mane and whiskers covered in Smooze, "I demand you cease this idiocy immediately." A large glob of Smooze struck in the back of the head and sent him face first into the ooze. Discord howled in delight and traced the projectile back to the alicorn who had managed to hang on to the railings and was now delivering devastating sniper shots from the second floor landing. She winked at Discord and hurled an oozeball at his face.
Hours later, Discord and The Smooze shambled across a wide Quadrangle near the center of campus. "Let me do the talking," said the Draconequus, "you know how wordy you get after one of your episodes."
"Gurgle, flump sportch blersh glump," replied The Smooze.
"Well you couldn't very well stay that big," said Discord, "you'd never have gotten all of you out of the house, or back into ours. Besides, we're probably in enough trouble without adding theft of countless golden treasures to the charges." He reached the building the helpful Dryad had told him about and counted the windows. "Three from the left, and two stories up," he said to himself. "Let's see... don't want to put her off too much..." He looked over at Smooze and smirked. "One last time," he said while grabbing a small lump of ooze. He hurled it at the window, and struck it: No reaction. He repeated it two more times. As the third lump flew, a golden aura surrounded the window and opened it. Discord winced as the gooball struck the tired alicorn in the face.
"Really?" asked Celestia, a bemused grin on her face.
"Sorry," said Discord sheepishly. "So, what did you think?"
"About...?" prompted Celestia.
"About our amazing display of 'Eternal-Personal skills, of course," shouted Discord. "I figure it was at least good enough for a solid C right?" He smiled expectantly at the alicorn in the window. "So how does this work," he asked, "do I go to Professor Dogbreath, or do you submit a form? Should we expect any sort of certificate or something?"
"Oh," said Celestia, a bit surprised. "Well, I certainly can say that I was impressed with the way in which you flawlessly played on each beings tendencies..."
"Yes," said Discord, "I mean, the Nymphs and Modrons were expected, but the Dragons: They were icing on the cake. I don't think I'll ever get tired of toying with them."
"And of course, The Smooze using his unique properties to bring everyone to the same level," said Celesita, "that was brilliant." She began gathering the goop from her floor into her forehoof.
"Well as The Smooze always says," began Discord, "'Gloop florp, shumlp, splat!"
Celestia laughed and through the wad of Smooze back at Discord. "Indeed," she said, "we could all learn from The Smooze, and I suppose we will over the course of the semester."
Discord's grin slipped. "But... my class credit," he said, "you said that if we..."
"I said if you were particularly engaged, you might earn it," said Celestia with a wave of her hoof. "Maybe if you started a study group, or hosted a weekly discussion panel, I'd consider it..."
Discord's smirk returned. "I suppose you think yourself rather clever, don't you," he asked. "Manipulating the Spirit of Chaos into livening up a boring party you clearly wanted no part of."
"Saw through me did you?" asked Celestia.
"The haughty delivery girl?" asked Discord. "Come now, that's far too much of a coincidence."
Celestia laughed and turned back into her room. "He called you haughty Lulu," she said.
"Shut thine mouths and leave me to my slumber!" shouted a dainty voice.
"Sorry," said Celestia, "she gets grumpy without her sleep. So, see you in class next week?"
Discord arched an eyebrow at the alicorn and smiled. "I supposed I have no choice. I don't suppose I could at least get a little extra credit out of this?"
"We'll see," said Celestia, "any plans for next weekend?"
"Well," said Discord, "We were going to summon some..."
A strong blue magical aura surrounded Celestia and the window. "WOULDST THOU SHUT THINE TRAPS!" shouted a commanding regal voice. Celestia smiled and waved as she was pulled away from the rapidly closing pane of glass.
"Oh well," said Discord as he and The Smooze turned to begin the long walk back to the Kappa Omega Sigma house. "I suppose there are worse ways to spend an evening."
"Glorp" burbled The Smooze.
Author's Note
A short story for the Equestria Daily Writer's Training Grounds. Also a chance to get me back in the habit of writing on a deadline, self imposed or otherwise.
