At a village of La Marecha, whose name I don't care to make a make a pun of lest the readers groan, there lived one of those ponies who are wont to make others smile, though in the most dramatic way possible. Her family consisted of two bakers: a stallion about thirty-five, and a mare not yet thirty. Our mare was of an unknown age, bearing pink fur; filled with energy and a devotee to her work, whatever that happened to be. They say that she was invincible and would never tire, but we may reasonably conjecture that she used a heavy doseage of 5-hour energy. This, however, has little to do with our story. You must know that the above-mentioned mare gave herself up with so much delight and gusto to obtaining free candy that she almost entirely neglected the exercise of cupcake-baking and even the management of her bakery. Indeed her craze for this free candy became so extravagant that she spent whole days and nights attempting to quench her desire for more; and thus with little sleep and much obtaining and eating, her brains dried up to such a degree that she lost the use of reason, thereby enabling her to break fourth walls and violate laws of physics with ease.
At last, having lost her wits completely, she stumbled upon the oddest fancy that ever entered a madpony's brain. She believed that it was necessary, for her honor and for the service of Equestria, that she should become what she called a "candy knight", roaming through the world in quest of free candy. She could already imagine herself reigning supreme as Queen of Candyland, which was what she would rename Equestria once she obtained her sweets. And thus excited by these agreeable delusions, she hastened to put her plans into operation.
Her first decision was to choose a name for herself, and after seriously considering the matter for three minutes, she finally determined to call herself Pinkiexote. Then, deciding that her name needed "something special at the end", she also added the name of her province and called herself Pinkiexote of La Marecha.
Now that she had herself newly named, she felt that nothing was wanting but a fine dessert of who to be enamored. "A candy knight should always have some kind of dessert to guard from thieves," she reasoned. As she continued to discourse with herself, she finally found one whom she might call her dessert. It happened that in the bakery in which she resided there stood a good-looking cake that she had craved once before. It was called the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, and it was to that cake that she dedicated her mission. She sought a name for it that would not vary too much from its own and yet would approach that of a dessert of quality. At last she decided to call it the MMMM, a name in her opinion musical, uncommon, and expressive, like the name she had devised for herself.
During this time of strategizing Pinkiexote made overtures to a certain laboring mare, an already close friend of hers and an honest mare (if such a term can be applied to one who had been caught lying in many circumstances). In effect, she said so much to her and rambled on for ages that the poor girl resolved to set out with her and serve as her squire. Among other ridiculous things Pinkiexote told her that she should be most willing to go with her because some time or another she might meet with an adventure that would earn for her, in the flap of a pegasus' wings, some farmland, and in a year's time she would find herself owner of a thriving apple orchard that would shine in comparison to the one she already owned. With those and other promises, Apple Janza left her family and engaged herself as squire to her friend.
After she had completed all her preparations, Pinkiexote, without saying farewell to her family, or Janza to hers, set out one night from the village without being seen. They traveled so far that night that at daybreak they were sure that no one pursuing them would find them.
Apple Janza trotted along like a patriarch, full of a huge longing to see herself owner of the apple orchard her master had promised to her. Presently Janza said to her master, "Now don't you forget that apple orchard ya promised, ya hear? And don't you worry, Ah'll take good care of it."
To which Pinkiexote replied: "You don't have to worry about a thing, Apple. Candy knights just like me always make their squires governors of lands filled with candies and cakes and...."
"But Ah thought you said Ah was gettin' a farmland for my orchard!" interruped Apple.
"Of course you are," assured Pinkiexote. "I'll just give you a candy land too! Who knows what could happen? I might even conquer a kingdom that has farmland and candy in one place, and you could own all of it! Well, I might own just a teeny-tiny bit of the candy side, but the farm will be all yours. But like I said, don't worry, because we're sure to find some amazing chances to find some good candy...and farmland for you, too."
Pinkiexote and the Windmill
Just then they came in sight of a windmill sitting on the outskirts of a small town, one that had stood alone for countless years, avoiding any sort of mention in previous stories, serving only to complete the traditional surreal village scene. No sooner did Pinkiexote see it than she said to her squire, Apple Janza, “Oh my goodness! Look at that, AJ! It’s a huge, gigantic, terrifying, enormous, teeth-gnashing, sharp-scale-having, horn-wearing, smoke-snoring, could-eat-a-pony-in-one-bite, totally all-grown-up dragon! I must drive him away from the city, or he'll suffocate everypony! And just think, if I drive him away, somepony might give me a reward. And maybe Celestia herself would give me something. Although I’m not too sure what I would like better for my reward–money or cake. But maybe I should ask for something I’ve never had, like…like chimicherrichanga! Or maybe….
“Beg pardon, sugarcube, but what dragon are ya talkin’ about?” asked Apple Janza.
“Silly AJ,” replied Pinkiexote, “that one right in front of your nose. Look, he even has four gigantically enormous arms. Isn’t that a crack-up?” While uttering these words, she cackled and snorted like an assortment of livestock.
“Ah don’t mean t’ upset ya none,” Apple interrupted, “But that’s a windmill, and them arms are actually sails. Ah know that windmills are s’posed to make flour, but Ah’ve never been t’ th’ place so Ah wouldn’t know what they hay they do there, but Ah do know that it ain’t a dragon.”
“Are you loco in the coco?” cried Pinkiexote. “You obviously have no experience in this kind of thing. That is a four-armed dragon, and if you’re too scared to fight him with me, then I’ll go by myself!”
At this Apple Janza could not help but chuckle at her master’s bold attitude. “And what are YOU laughing at?” yelled Pinkiexote, looking straight into Apple’s green eyes.
“Um, chocolate milk,” stuttered Apple.
“Stand back then, Apple; I am just about to be brilliant!” Turning back to face the windmill, Pinkiexote clicked her hooves and galloped off, without heeding the cries of her squire, who warned her that she was attacking not a dragon but a windmill that was irrelevant to any fanfiction plots until now. But she was so convinced that it was a dragon that she neither heard her squire’s shouts nor did she notice what it was, though she was very near it and, one would logically assume, had seen it before, living in Ponyville and all. Instead, she rushed on, shouting in a loud voice, “Heeheehee, this is so much fun…I mean, grr! Move out of the way, dragon!” At that moment a slight breeze arose and the sails began to move. When Pinkiexote saw this, she shouted again: “He’s trying to snatch me off the ground! You’ll pay for that!”
Saying this and commending herself most devoutly to her most prized dessert, the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness, she pulled on a black ninja suit and grabbed her party canon out of thin air, and charged at full speed and rammed the windmill. Her party canon ran into the sail (she had failed to fire before coming upon the structure), but the sails twisted it with such violence that it shivered the canon, being made of rock candy, into pieces and sent Pinkiexote flying much like the time she mimicked a firecracker, save this flight had a more unfortunate ending. She hit the ground and rolled over and over, finally halting, and was sorely damaged.
Apple Janza galloped up to her assistance as fast and she could, and when she reached her master, she found that she was unable to move, such was the blow she received.
“Celestia help us!” cried Apple. “Didn’t Ah tell ya t’ watch out? It was just a windmill. Nopony could have thought it was a dragon unless she had windmills in ‘er mind.”
At that Pinkiexote leaped up on her hooves. “Ponies can have windmills in their heads?” she asked, quite bewildered. “That’s weird. I would think griffons would have windmills in their heads, but ponies? Like…you-and-me kind of ponies? Never mind, I know that I saw a dragon, and I’m sure that someone magically changed it from a dragon into a windmill so I wouldn’t get any chimicherries…and I know whodunit too. It was…the bakers! Oops, wrong case. It was actually Trixón, the sideshow magician, who did-done-dood-it, because she’s a big jealous judgmental jealousy pants. But in the end I will show her who runs things around here.”
“Yeah, sure,” Apple agreed half-heartedly as the two ponies continued on their adventure.