The Weed

by kudzuhaiku

Rating: mature
Tags: Pie Sisters, Romance, Original Character, Random, Adventure, Maud Pie, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 185475

In a garden filled with perfect flowers, nopony ever loves a weed...

This story is an experiment in audience participation. Please click here!

A super helpful map of Equestria.

Would a weed by any other name be as repulsive?

The starting entry in the Weedverse.

Amazing animation!

Amazing art!

More amazing art for The Weed

Published 2015-05-24 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-11 18:34:35 UTC

Life in the dirt

Looking up, Tarnish saw the stars overhead. They twinkled and the majesty of the night sky made him forget about his troubles for a moment. His whole body ached with bone weary exhaustion. Ahead, with only moonlight to illuminate his way, he saw a hillock with a gnarled oak growing out of the top of it. The oak’s roots formed a cage of sorts around the massive mound of earth. Tarnish thought that there might be a place to tuck himself into with all of those roots.

Tarnish left the road to have a look. On the side away from the road, there was a small entrance, a burrow or a cave. He looked around, feeling exhausted, and wondered if this might be a good place to sleep.

He was traveling along the southern edge of the Everfree and this was a dangerous place to sleep in the open. The entrance was small and temping. He would have to crawl inside. It would keep large predatory things out and Tarnish reasoned that he would be safe.

Whimpering with fear, he dropped down to his belly and crawled inside. It was dark in here, there was no moonlight, and Tarnish struggled to make light with his horn. As he crawled in a little farther, the ground gave out beneath him.

Tarnish slammed into a pile of stones with terrific force, knocking the wind out of himself. He groaned, wondered if anything was broken, and he almost broke down into tears down here in the darkest dark he had ever experienced. Miserable, cold, shivering, hungry, and now trapped down in a hole.

This day kept getting better and better.

It took a while for him to regain his composure, he sniffled in the dark, almost lapsing into sobs, but was afraid of what else might be lurking down here. Knowing he needed light, he began to concentrate. As he did so, he moved his legs, trying to see if anything was broken.

At long last, his horn flared with faint, pale light. He looked around and saw roots, rocks, and bones. Tarnish gulped. They were pony bones. They were unicorn bones. He saw that both of the unicorn’s front legs were broken. No doubt, the unicorn had probably crawled inside the hole, looking for shelter, and had fallen down. Only the unicorn had suffered bad luck and broken its legs.

There was an old pair of oilcloth canvas saddlebags, covered in dust. The brass buckles glinted in the faint light. Crawling forward, overcome with curiousity, Tarnish had himself a look. Inside of the first bag, there was nothing but dust. Whatever had been in here had rotted away.

Inside the second bag was a small mirror, made of silver, with a graceful, ornate handle. It was somehow unbroken. There was nothing else in the bag. Tarnish pulled the saddlebags away from the bones, pushed the bones aside, feeling very sorry for disturbing them, and then not knowing what else to do, he curled up so he could go to sleep. In time, as he nodded off, his horn dimmed, and then went dark.

The sounds of growling caused Tarnish to awake with a snort. He looked around, seeing nothing but darkness, fearing an attack, and then realised that he was hearing the sounds of his own stomach. With difficulty, he got his horn to light up again and he looked up above him.

With luck and effort, he thought he might be able to climb out. He strapped on his new to him saddlebags, ignored his stomach, and focused on getting out of this tomb. He waved goodbye to the unicorn, and hoped that he would not share the same fate.

Using his hooves, Tarnish boosted himself upwards. He dug his hooves into the earth, snagged them on roots, and began the arduous task of pushing himself up through the narrow passage. Bugs crawled over his skin as he worked his way up through the dangling roots. He almost fell, recovered, and then almost fell again. He wiggled and kicked, struggling to get free, until at last, he was at the top of the passage that dropped straight down.

He could see sunlight ahead and he crawled on his belly, anxious to be above ground.

Birds were chirping. Butterflies flew. The sun was bright overhead. And Tarnish was so hungry that he was eating grass to fill his belly. It was the most degrading thing that had happened to Tarnish so far. Today.

Today was an important distinction, or so Tarnish believed.

The grass was still wet with dew, but it did little to slake Tarnish’s terrible thirst. His pelt was crusted over and matted. He was filthy, covered in dried mud, bugs were still crawling among the dirt clods caked to his pelt, and no doubt, Tarnish still stunk.

But he was alive, even if he was eating grass, he was still alive. And being alive felt pretty good. He tore free a mouthful of grass and gobbled down a bit of dirt that clung to the roots. He didn’t care. He ripped free another bite and gnawed upon the tough grass fronds.

As he chewed, Tarnish lifted his head and had a look around, trying to keep himself safe. The road was his best bet. It followed the southern edge of the Everfree for a while, and Tarnish knew that it then headed south. South was the Froggy Bottom Bogg and beyond that was the badlands.

He didn’t have a lot of options. If he took the road in the other direction, it led back to Ponyville. If he went north, he would leave the road and go into the Everfree. There was on the road and whatever lay south.

Dodge City was south, if one walked far enough. Dodge City was a place full of rough and tumble types, desperadoes, gamblers, miners, it was less than ideal, but it had to be a better place than Ponyville.

Tarnish decided that he would go south.

Author's Note

I can't do this without you!

Sorry, today gets a short update. I'm grinding out a rough draft for The Catch.

A weed in the brambles

It would be dark soon, and Tarnish feared being out in the open after dark. He had been walking for hours, but it felt like days. He was sore, thirsty, and oh so very hungry. The only water he had found was a mud puddle, and while he had been thirsty at the time, he hadn’t been thirsty enough to swallow his pride and drink from a mud puddle.

Now, he wished he had a mud puddle to drink from. Muddy water would do just fine.

He was still filthy, his pelt was matted, crusted over, and covered with dust from the road. At one point, Tarnished Teapot had been a handsome shade of chocolate brown with a cream coloured mane. Now, he was a shade of dingy blah. He had no rations, no water canteen, no cloak to protect him if it rained, all he had now was the saddlebags that he had found and the beautiful silver mirror.

It was with much relief that Tarnish found a blackberry thicket. It was with great dismay that he discovered the blackberry bushes were of the thorny variety. He didn’t care. He tried using his magic to pluck the berries, but all that came from his horn was a fizzle of sparks.

Extending his lips, he tried to avoid the thorns while getting the berries. He failed.

The berries were sweet, full of juice, and delicious. The thorns were vicious, long, and sharp. Several times, Tarnish pierced his lips with the thorns as he tried to gobble down berries as fast as he could.

In no time at all, his lips were stained with blood and blackberry juice in almost equal portions.

With the darkness coming soon, Tarnish decided that this place was as good as any to try and wait out the night. Crawling on his belly, he crawled inside of the thicket, the cruel thorns piercing his skin several times, and once inside, in the middle, he was rewarded with giant berries that were out of reach by any other berry nibblers that passed by. With his hoof, he pushed the brambles around, trying to clear enough space for him to get comfortable, and he curled up into a dirty, miserable ball.

At least he had berries.

Tarnish awoke in the middle of the night; he did not know the time, and he was unable to get back to sleep. He gobbled down as many berries as he could, eating his fill, and trying to slake his thirst. When he felt as though his stomach would rupture, Tarnish crawled out of the blackberry thicket, ignored the thorns as best as he could, paused to do some business in some bushes a short distance away, and then he took to the road once more.

The moonlight bathed everything in silver. He was on a narrow strip of land called The Narrows, it was a cleared stretch of land that existed between the Everfree and Froggy Bottom Bog, and it was the road that many wagons took to go down to Dodge City, or Dodge Junction as some ponies called it.

As Tarnished Teapot walked the long and winding road, he heard the clopping of hooves and the jangle of a wagon. Behind him, he saw a wagon coming down the road, and Tarnish was so happy to see another pony that he forgot just how bad he smelled.

He took off, backtracking, making a slow and cautious approach. “Hello,” he called out, trying to sound more like a friend and less like a foe. He raised a hoof and waved.

“Now it ain’t often you see a pony out traveling at night, when it is cool and the walking is easy,” the wagon pulling pony said as he drew closer. “No offense, but you have a powerful stench about you, I dare say you could bring a tear to a glass eye. Maybe even make a statue cry.”

Tarnish laughed, glad to hear another pony’s voice. “I had a run in with a manticore.”

“You don’t say… how do you do? My name is Longhaul,” the earth pony said, introducing himself. “Where are you headed?”

“Dodge Junction I guess… I don’t know. South,” Tarnish replied as he fell into step with the wagon pulling earth pony. “My name is Tarnished Teapot. I’m really happy to have met you.”

“I’ll be heading near Dodge City Junction, but I avoid that place if I can. Heading to Appleloosa. You’re free to travel with me, but please, stay downwind if you don’t mind.” After speaking, Longhaul began to chuckle. “So what are you doing out on the road?”

“Looking for a new life.” Tarnish thought about telling the whole truth, but he felt that this was honest enough. He was looking for a new life; there was no point in bringing up the reason why he had to find a new life.

“Seeing the world is good for a young pony like yourself. I stepped out the door one day, I was about your age, and I said goodbye to my mother. I started to wander and I just couldn’t stop. The world is a big place and there are a lot of great things to see and do. Seeing the world is the nicest thing you can do for yourself. Too many young ponies just stay at home now, and never once leave the city where they are born. Ain’t right. How do we gain new perspectives on life if we never leave home and go off to see the world? Meet new ponies?” Longhaul walked at a steady pace and his wagon creaked behind him.

“What are you hauling?” Tarnish asked.

“Walnuts.” Longhaul grinned. “Would cost more to ship this load of walnuts on a train than they are worth. There is a pony in Appleloosa who wanted a load of walnuts delivered.”

“Oh.” Tarnish glanced over his shoulder at the wagon. “If you don’t mind me asking, who?”

“My wife,” Longhaul replied. “She said she was in the mood for nuts and then she sent me on this little errand.”

“See, that’s why I am never getting married.” Tarnish shook his head with a vigorous motion.

“You say that now, but just you wait until you meet the right pony.” Longhaul grinned and leaned forward into his harness to pick up his pace a little bit, feeling the need to hurry home.

Author's Note

That pony Longhaul sure does get around, don't he?

Even a weed has needs

On the horizon, there was the first hints of the sun and in the distance was the faint glow of Dodge Junction’s lights. It felt good to see civilisation again after five nights of walking. Tarnished Teapot looked at the earth pony beside him. On the road, they had become companions. Maybe even friends. But now, Longhaul had to go. Appleloosa was off in another direction, the other direction for the fork in the road.

“Come and visit me in Appleloosa,” Longhaul said as he stared at the lights in the distance.

“I’ll try… I don’t know if I will be welcomed,” Tarnish replied.

“My strength came back.” Longhaul grinned. “And you learned how to pull a wagon. You did save us from the owlbear. I think you are looking at your talent all wrong. Even if it cannot be controlled, perhaps it can still be made useful.”

“Do you really think so?” Tarnish had a hopeful look upon his face.

“I don’t reckon I know for certain.” Longhaul shrugged. “Mostly, I’d say it was up to you to find out. Life on the road will be good for you. Live by your wits. Change your thinking. Princess Twilight Sparkle did you a favour. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but she did. You’ve lived the past four years with everypony afraid of you and your magic. You’ve spent the past few nights with one pony who appreciates your magic. What you needed was a change of scenery.”

“Maybe you’re right. Thanks… thank you, Longhaul. Good luck getting home,” Tarnish said in a voice that was raspy with emotion. “Do you have a spot to get out of the sun?”

“A little ways down the road is a water well and a lodge for travelers. I plan to stop there,” Longhaul replied. “Good luck, Tarnished Teapot. There is no better life than the road.”

Dodge City Junction was a large bustling city. There were ponies everywhere. Tarnish looked around, wide eyed, trying to take everything in. There was a thin veneer of trying to look important here; Tarnish could see that. Many of the ponies wore clothes, which was silly in this heat. The mares wore expensive dresses and the stallions wore dashing suit jackets.

It seemed like everypony was trying to look wealthy, or at least give the illusion of wealth and importance. Even the buffalo were wearing clothing, which made them look rather odd. Tarnish said nothing of course, he was nopony to judge, but he took in everything he saw, and watched in honest silence.

Standing on the side of the road, Tarnish took stock of his situation. He had his saddlebags, his mirror, and his saddlebags were full of walnuts. He was covered in the dust of the road, but at least the manticore musk was gone. He had no bits. He was in need of a job, shelter, and food.

Tarnish took off at a trot, keeping an eye out for help wanted signs. He saw one sign right away, a barber was needed, but Tarnish lacked those skills. Shaking his head, he continued, pushing his way through the crowded streets. Already, the day was getting hot, and dawn had only happened a little while ago.

“Hey! Hey you! Yes you!” an earth pony cried. “Need a job? The Pony Express needs you! You look like you have what it takes!”

Tarnish gave the earth pony an incredulous stare as he approached. “And what what makes you say that?”

“Because… you look broke, homeless, young, and dumb. Which means you are desperate for bits. Do you want a job or not?” The earth pony had a smug smile. “My name is Buff Gaskins and I run the Pony Express in this town. All jokes aside kiddo, unicorns can be useful on some of these jobs.”

“And you’ll just hire me, just like that?” Tarnish asked.

“Well, no, you gotta tell me your name first… and then you gotta go on a test run to see how you do. You manage to deliver your message and make it back to town alive… I’ll give you five bits and a job,” Buff Gaskins replied.

“My name is Tarnished Teapot. Most ponies call me Tarnish.” Tarnish’s eyes narrowed. “Getting back to town alive… how dangerous is this job?”

“I won’t lie to you… this is a dangerous job. Which is why I’m always hiring. Ponies either quit or they get gobbled up by stuff.” Buff Gaskins grinned. “I guarantee you, you will not find a job here in town that will pay you five bits today.”

“Hmmph.” Tarnish’s ears perked forwards.

“The Pony Express pays on a daily basis. Our couriers might not live to see the next day. We figure it’s a kindness. You do well and you take the high risk jobs, you can become quite wealthy.” Buff pointed over at a cafe across the street. “You agree to take this job, and I’ll buy you breakfast first.”

“Mister Gaskins, you have yourself a deal,” Tarnished Teapot said as his stomach gurgled.

Five bits. Seven bits if he could make it back by noon. Tarnish was tired, worn out from walking all night, but bits were bits and he had no place to sleep. There were strict laws about vagrancy in town. Tarnish was looking for Lot Seventy Seven B, a mining camp on the side of a mountain. He had a map that showed all of the trail markers.

He was in the bottom of a ravine, the mouth of a box canyon, and further in was the trailhead that would take him up the side of the mountain. Somewhere up there was a borax mine and there was a miner that was waiting on a letter from his mama.

There were eyes on Tarnish, he could feel them. He looked about, turning his head this way and that way, hoping to spot trouble before trouble happened, but Tarnish suspected that trouble was already happening.

He continued onwards, mindful of the mesquite thorns, stranglesnatch vines, and needler cacti. Even the plants here were dangerous. The stranglesnatch vines liked to water themselves with fresh blood. The needler cacti had massive root systems that soaked up nutrients from the corpses they made after shooting them with paralytic needles and waiting for predators to eat said paralysed victims.

Tarnish had been warned about all of this by Buff Gaskins.

There was a dried out creek bed; the only thing that remained of the creek was some almost dried muddy mess where insects swarmed, trying to get what little moisture remained. Tarnish walked past, his head still turning about as he kept his eyes on the world around him.

As he turned his head forward, he saw a small cute looking rabbit. With antlers. And fangs. Tarnish sighed. The day had been going so well. Vampiric jackalopes loved blood. The rabbit grinned at him.

It was only then that Tarnish realised he was surrounded on all sides by vampiric jackalopes. He saw them popping up from behind logs, coming out from under rocks, and coming out of thorny thickets. They all looked thirsty and Tarnished realised that he was full of liquid. Delicious, drinkable, thirst quenching, life sustaining liquid. He had what Jackalopes craved.

“Hi,” Tarnish said. Just because you were about to be drained of your precious bodily fluids didn’t mean that you couldn’t be polite and chummy. Longhaul had said that being kind got you a long way in the world, but Tarnish wasn’t certain it applied here. “So, um, I see you’re thinking about sucking me dry. Might I ask you to reconsider?”

The vampiric jackalopes were coming closer.

“Look, I am the most unappetising unicorn you will ever meet.” Tarnish did his best to sound polite and sincere. “Look, don’t say I didn’t warn you… I don’t know what is going to happen next.”

One of the vampiric jackalopes grinned and its eyes glittered with malice.

“Fine, let’s get this over with,” Tarnish said and then he sighed with resignation. His horn flashed and Tarnish had no idea what was about to happen next.

With a flash of light, a chupacabra appeared, looking very, very annoyed.

The chupacabra, the natural enemy of the jackalope and a known pony eater. It looked like a cat-lizard creature. Tarnish didn’t spend a lot of time looking at it because a fight had just broken out with the various predators all fighting one another.

It was time to go. No matter who won, Tarnish knew that he would lose. He was food for both of those creatures. He took off at a run, bounding up the trail, leaping over a few vampiric jackalopes, and leaving the graphic violence behind. There were savage growls, snarling, the sounds of flesh being ripped apart, no matter what Fluttershy said, nature was not fascinating. Tarnished Teapot hated nature with the fiery fury of Princess Celestia’s burning sun. Nature was things trying to eat you, nature was a she-manticore sitting on your face, nature was the consequences of eating too many blackberries and having to deal with a case of the trots.

Nature sucked.

Thorns flew through the air as he got too close a cluster of needler cacti, but Tarnish was spared being impaled because the needles struck several pursuing vampiric jackalopes instead. He heard pained cries and he let out a panting cry of triumph as he ran.

“Hahahahah!” Tarnish cackled as he lept over a writhing mass of stranglesnatch vines. Anything chasing him was going to have a terrible surprise waiting for him. “Get horned, nature!”

It was almost an hour later when Tarnish stumbled into Lot Seventy Seven B. The sun was sweltering, Tarnish could feel a painful sunburn developing under his pelt, but he had made it. Of course, he still had to make it back to town somehow.

Grinning, Tarnish passed the letter in the envelope to the miner that had come out to greet him. The miner grinned, showed off many missing teeth, and then he spat out a dark brown, greasy glob of slimy tobacco juice into the dirt.

“Eh, ya made it. I’m glad. How was the trip?” The earth pony miner began to chuckle as he looked at Tarnish. “Wanna earn three bits?”

“What do I gotta do?” Tarnish asked.

“Take this letter back and give it to Buff Gaskins, so it’ll get mailed. I’m inviting my sweetheart to come and live with me. I think she’ll like it here,” the earth pony replied.

“I’ll do it.” Tarnish nodded in agreement. “I gotta get moving. I gotta be back before noon and there is a whole canyon full of vampiric jackalopes down there.”

“Oh, they’re not bad. Just watch out for the flying rattlesnakes… they gots bat wings. They really can’t eat ponies, but if you run into one, they’ll bite you,” the earth pony warned.

“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind. I’ll get your letter to Mister Gaskins.”

Author's Note

Expect other OCs to show up and make appearances. Maybe. Perhaps. It might happen. I don't know.

And now, our adventure begins in earnest.

A weed in the sun

The alkali flats were brutal, but Tarnish managed. He trotted at a good pace, his hooves cracking the hardpan as he moved along. If he stood in place to rest, he felt himself sink down and his frogs would start to burn. The wind offered no relief. It was searing and full of alkali dust.

The desert around Dodge City Junction was a horrible place, but ponies came here anyway. There was gold, silver, copper, borax, salt, gemstones of all kinds, there was a lot of wealth in the ground just waiting for somepony to dig it out.

Tarnished Teapot passed yet another wooden marker with red paint. The trip to get out this way had been uneventful, which Tarnish attributed to his stink. As he walked, Tarnish thought about life out here in the badlands. Mining might get you rich, if you got lucky, but the real money was found in other places. Like selling stuff to miners, or delivering stuff to miners.

Another marker went by and Tarnish grinned. He was hot, he was miserable, but he would survive. He thought about taking a drink, he was feeling thirsty, but conserving his water was important. In the distance, he could see hills and large rocks protruded from the ground.

The salt mine seemed deserted. Tarnish poked around, not finding anypony. Here in the hills, it was a little cooler and there was shade. Tarnish found the mineshaft, a gaping hole that went straight down, and there was a steam powered lift. There were cabins with no windows.

He went and knocked upon the door, then waited.

When there was no reply, he knocked again. After a moment, he heard a sleepy sounding “Hold on!” followed by a thump and a bump. After a few more moments, the door opened.

“We all sleep during the day,” a unicorn said, looking and sounding sleepy. “Too hot to work… too dangerous. You here with the package?”

“Yes sir,” Tarnish said. “It is in my saddlebag, the left one. Just open it up and pull it out. It’s under my coat.”

Nodding, the unicorn lifted Tarnish’s coat, opened the saddlebag, and pulled out the small box wrapped up in brown paper with his telekinesis. He looked at Tarnish. “Hoof medication. Real expensive stuff. Only have enough money to buy it in small amounts. Keeps our hooves from dissolving. You’re a life saver.” The unicorn offered Tarnish a sleepy smile. “We have fresh water out here, from a deep underground well. Smells like eggs, but it tastes sweet. If you need to refill your canteen, you can.”

“Thank you,” Tarnish replied. Lifting his head, Tarnish realised that the miner couldn’t smell him. Come to think of it, Tarnish couldn’t smell anything either. “You say the water smells like eggs?”

“This whole place, these rocky hills, are filled with sulphurous hot water springs. The water is really salty up here, because of the alkali dust, but the water brought up from the deep well is safe to drink. You get used to the stench after a while.”

“I don’t smell anything,” Tarnish said.

“I stopped smelling stuff years ago,” the miner unicorn replied.

“Huh.” Tarnish looked at the miner and felt a nagging sense of worry. Tarnish wondered what to do if he ran into something with no sense of smell. At least he still had his magic, as unpredictable as it might be. “Thank you for letting me refill my water. I think I’ll do that and then I got to be going.”

“You’re a lifesaver,” the unicorn replied, smiling at Tarnish.

Tarnish heaved a sigh of relief as he left the alkali flats behind him. The trip back felt even hotter than the trip there, and his hooves were tingling in the most alarming way one could imagine.

The underside of his duster was soaked with sweat, which evaporated and created a layer of cooler air next to his skin. He had once more soaked his pith helmet when he was at the salt mine. He was still hot, but Tarnish knew that he could be a whole lot hotter.

All he had to do now was make it back to town and claim his bits.

Seventy five bits. Tarnish didn’t quite know what to do with himself. He stood on the street just outside of the dispatch office, standing under the shade of a sloping roof, looking around and trying to think about what to do next.

A bath might be in order. There was a bathhouse up the road. He had been warned about the place, saying that it was disreputable, but that a bath could be had there. He wasn’t certain what Buff Gaskin had been going on about.

As Tarnish stood looking about, his stomach gurgled. Dinner might be nice. Maybe even a good dinner. He could afford it. The more he thought about it, a nice night might be just what he needed. A good bath, a nice dinner, and maybe, just maybe, he might take in a show. There were several places where mares danced for money.

That might be nice.

Back in Ponyville, Pinkie Pie had once shown him a picture of herself when she had done a song and dance number while wearing a very fancy dress and fishnet stockings. Pinkie Pie had also told him the dirtiest joke that he had ever heard after showing him the picture.

It involved a horny stallion rutting a knothole in a tree and not checking for bees first. The stallion had been stung in places were stallions should never be stung by bees. Seeking relief, the stallion had soaked himself in a bowl of oatmeal, to reduce the itching, the burning, and the swelling. After being told a series of unfortunate events, a mare ate the bowl of oatmeal and Pinkie Pie had finished the joke with, “And then I said, ‘oatmeal? Are you crazy?’”

The joke was horrifying, crass, and funny.

Sighing, Tarnished Teapot missed Pinkie Pie.

Author's Note

To be rid of a weed

Sitting in the tub, Tarnished Teapot wondered how a bath could have a ‘happy ending.’ The whole thing was confusing. The mare in the front had kept asking if he was interested in a ‘happy ending’ with his bath. Tarnish just wanted to be clean. The tub was copper, full of warm but not hot water, and there was a bucket filled with ice and cold fruit flavoured sodas beside him.

There was something in the water that promised to remove the stink from his pelt; it smelled funny, medicinal, it cleared his sinuses and made him sniffle. His hooves tingled, something in his bathwater was neutralising the alkali dust and it made his frogs hurt, but in a good way.

Somepony was having a nice bath. Tarnish could hear her moaning. He had moaned too when he had eased himself into the soothing water. A little moaning was fine, but too much moaning was just plain silly.

Feeling tired, Tarnish really wanted to do something other than go back to his room and sleep in the clean corner. He took a sip of soda and wondered if a few cups of coffee might help him get pepped up for a nice evening. He had the money, he had worked hard, he was entitled to a little fun. He deserved it.

At long last, the tyrant sun began to set. The temperature dropped down to a balmy one hundred and one degrees. Tarnished Teapot, now cleaned up, stench free, and with a nice meal in his belly, took a look around, trying to get a feel for the night life here in Dodge City Junction.

Night life in Ponyville consisted of hanging out at the bowling alley, walking around after dark, talking to other ponies who were out walking around after dark. Here in Dodge City Junction, when the sun went down, it seemed as though the town was just waking up. Honky tonk pianos could be heard out in the streets, the plinky, jaunty tunes played upon them drifting out through bat wing doors. Mares with too much makeup began to walk the streets, wearing clothing that caught the attention of the eye and kept it. The scent of whiskey and tobacco filled the air.

Tarnished Teapot had not seen anything like it. He yawned and tried to take it all in. Electric lights flickered on, flashing signs, blinking beacons that promised drinks, dancing, and a good time to be had by all.

“You, you look tired… need a little pick me up? I have stuff that can help you have fun all night long. You can drink all the whiskey you want, dance, have a real nice time, and just keep going,” a skinny looking unicorn said to Tarnished Teapot.

“Huh?” Tarnish replied, giving the unicorn a wary glance.

“Alchemically laced salts, treated with the finest compounds known to zebrakind. Gentle, safe, and effective. Perfectly safe, perfectly legal, absolutely nothing wrong with them at all. If there was, I wouldn’t be able to sell them,” the unicorn said as he smiled, his mustache quivering.

“Hmm.” Tarnish looked at the unicorn. It sounded like a stronger version of coffee. The unicorn’s words had a ring of truth to them. It was illegal to sell illegal things, so it must be okay.

“I’ll give you two doses and a sample shot of something stronger for the low, low price of twelve bits… no, wait, I can’t cheat you like that, ten bits is perfectly fair and good.” The unicorn smiled. “Brother, dear brother, can we afford to take that kind of loss?”

Another unicorn turned and smiled. “I think we can. We’ll make up for it somehow. Right, brother?”

The two unicorns grinned at one another and then turned their million bit smiles upon Tarnished Teapot. One was mustached, the other was not. Both were dressed in well tailored coats.

Tarnished Teapot studied them both. Both of them had apples for cutie marks. Tarnished Teapot’s eyebrow raised. “Both of you are Apples?”

“Why yes we are! Mister Apple and Mister Apple,” the mustachioed unicorn replied.

“There is no name more famous for honesty, integrity, and economical value… our products are so good, they’re guaranteed by our good name as members of the Apple family!” the other said in a show pony's voice as he grinned from ear to ear.

“Been working all day. I’d like to have a nice night. How much is it for the strong stuff?” Tarnish asked as he continued to study the unicorns.

“For you, we can give you a second dose for the low, low price of five bits, but only just this once. So you can see for yourself how safe it is, how effective it is, and how it can turn you into the pony that you were always meant to be!” the mustachioed unicorn replied.

“And after a night of fun, you might need our miracle cure during the day as well… run faster, run longer, work all day and never once feel tired! Sleep is a disease, and we have found the cure, isn’t that right, dear brother?”

“Correct, brother!”

“Fifteen bits eh? I’ll take it,” Tarnish said. “Small price to pay for a good time.”

“Here you go, good sir. Four cubes of our cure for sleep! The two smaller cubes are the samples… try these first. Take one or take both. They’ll wear off in a little while. The two larger ones are stronger. Much stronger. Take one tonight and save the other for morning, or come and find us in the morning if you need a pick-me-up after a long night. Just look for our wagon!” the unicorn said as he grinned a show pony’s grin.

“Have fun… live a little… and welcome to a life without consequences! You’ll never feel tired again!” The mustachioed unicorn’s head bobbed in an excited fashion. “Look folks, another satisfied customer!” he cried to the crowd that had gathered.

“Yes, and you too, can know his youthful enthusiasm and excitement! Have we got a deal for you! Our miracle cure will keep you young and excited all night!”

Taking his cubes, Tarnish walked away grinning, pushing his way through the crowd that had gathered, ready to go out and have a good time.

Popping a small cube of salt into his mouth, Tarnished Teapot crunched down upon it with his teeth. It was salty, it was bitter, it had some sweetness, and there was a metallic flavour that crept over his tongue. His ears began to ring and he felt his heart racing in his barrel. He could feel the blood flowing through his body and he became aware of every strand of hair in his mane.

A feeling of arousal sprang up in his guts and settled through his groin.

He felt great. He had never felt more awake in his whole life.

The lights of the city seemed brighter. His vision doubled for a moment, then tripled, and then came back into focus. He heard a rushing sound, like a raging torrent of water. It was outside of his head, but it was also inside of his head. He could feel the raging river rapids inside of his head, his thoughts cascading over rocks, forming whirlpools and whitewater as the river of his mind went from a fleeting trickle to a consuming flood.

Everything around him grew beautiful. The mares with painted faces caught his eye. The bright colours seemed brighter. It seemed that every eye was looking at him, watching him, and Tarnished Teapot realised that he must be a very handsome colt.

For a good time, there could be no better place than home. Stumbling, Tarnish headed back for the Roost, hoping to have a good time tonight.

Tilting his head back, Tarnish drank down a glass of whiskey. He coughed, spluttered, and sucked air into his burning lungs. The whiskey and the alchemical salts produced a weird state of drowsy awareness. He felt slowed down, but still sped up, dull but sharp, his body felt limp but also like a coiled spring.

He had eaten the second sample cube almost an hour ago and he could feel it wearing off, or maybe it was the whiskey. There was a show on the rickety stage, it was called the Fo'c'sle Follies, and it was about a lone stallion that had joined an airship crew made up of mares, hoping to see the world.

The mares did terrible things to the poor stallion to make him earn his keep.

There was a big song and dance number on the stage, with lots of kicking, flashes of flesh, and a great deal of perverse innuendo. Tarnish watched it all, taking it all in, having the time of his young life.

The last glass of whiskey seemed to have changed something for Tarnish, the sleepy feeling of awakefulness had changed to just a sleepy feeling. He pulled another cube out of saddlebag, popped it into his mouth, and crunched it up.

Now, there was only the feeling of being awake. Very, very awake. He could feel himself vibrating. No… he was not vibrating, the whole universe was vibrating. Everything in his ears echoed. The walls seemed to bubble, like stew in a pot. He could see the bubbles popping up to the surface. Pop! Reality was simmering all around him. The sawdust on the floor was alive, moving, it flowed back and forth like waves upon the ocean. Tarnish had never seen the ocean, but he had seen the tide coming in on the sawdust. His horn felt funny, he could feel pressure on it from the outside, almost as if something was pinching it.

“Hello handsome,” a mare said as she sat down in the empty chair beside Tarnish. “You look like you know how to have a good time… just get paid?”

Something about the way the mare talked made Tarnish squirm in his seat. It was breathy, needy, the way her eyes gave him that sleepy, heavy lidded stare. Tarnish nodded. The mare was wearing a lot of makeup on her face, she had painted herself, but Tarnish could see a black eye under the makeup and the swelling was noticeable to him even in his drug addled state. He felt a mixture of desire and pity for her.

“How’s about we go upstairs to your room and maybe have a little chat between ourselves?” the mare asked.

Tarnish felt the mare’s chipped hoof stroke his neck. She smelled of whiskey, she smelled salty-sweaty, and there was something else that Tarnished Teapot couldn’t quite put his hoof on. Something… musky. “W-w-what w-w-w-would w-w-w-we talk ab-about?” Tarnish stammered.

“Oh… you’re shy… how precious… we could talk about that,” the mare replied as she gave Tarnish a wink. “When I talk, I like to lean over and whisper things into a pony’s ear. I want to make sure that they hear me… every… single… word… sometimes it can be hard to hear a mare… when things get… heated.”

“Um…”

“I have so many things I’d like to tell you… but there is so much noise in this place. We’d have to be real close together so I could whisper right into your ear.” The mare’s hoof traveled down Tarnish’s barrel, down his stomach, and then she touched his thigh.

“Okay,” Tarnish said in a low squeaky voice.

“Fantastic,” the mare replied in a breathless, almost panting voice.

His head aching, Tarnish awoke. His bed was wet and sticky. A foul smelling funk assaulted his nostrils. He was sore all over, his mouth was dry, and his vision was very blurry. He groaned, discovered it hurt to move, and the light coming into his window burned his eyes.

It was already too hot. He fell out of bed and landed on the floor. He didn’t know what time it was, but based upon the heat in his room and the angle of the sun shining into his window, it had to be approaching midday. As he lay upon the floor, he looked up. His saddlebags were open. Crawling on his belly, he pulled himself over. There were a few walnuts. His coin purse was gone. His mirror was still here, which was weird. It took a few dull moments to realise that the mare had taken her payment for showing him a good time.

She had even taken his last salt cube. But the mirror had been left behind.

Tarnish realised that his duster was gone, it was no longer hanging up on the hook on the back of the door. His pith helmet was still here though, lying in the corner. Feeling nauseous, Tarnish began to gather up his things and wondered if he would survive a day of courier work.

“That’s him,” a pegasus said to the big earth pony beside him. “She got the money from him. I saw them go upstairs together, Big Ironshoe.”

The big earth pony growled and started forward towards the ridiculous looking colt wearing a big stupid looking hat. A group of small ponies followed, a pegasus, a unicorn, and a few earth ponies.

Stout Ironshoe was a big pony by any standards, and his cronies called him ‘Big Ironshoe.’ Stout was not the sort of pony who had ‘friends.’ He stomped forwards and the smaller ponies of Dodge City Junction got out of his way.

“He’s the one that gave your wife the money she needed to escape, yep, I recognise him for certain!” the pegasus said. “That’s the pony your wife peddled her plot to!”

“Shut up,” Stout said in a low rumbling growl.

“Shutting up, yep, shutting up right now,” the pegasus replied.

“HEY! YOU!” Stout shouted to the colt wearing the ridiculous hat. “You… yes you… you poked my wife and then gave her money… she skipped town on a train while I was away taking care of some business last night.”

“I had no idea—”

Stout slammed his hoof into the colt’s mouth, sending him sprawling. In no big hurry, Stout trotted over to where the colt had fallen several yards away, raised up one hoof, and brought it down upon the colt’s right front leg.

The bone gave way upon impact, leaving the colt’s leg at an odd angle in the middle.

“Go get us a rope,” Stout said as he ignored the colt’s sobbing cries of pain. “We’re gonna go hang this little runt someplace out of town.” Some of the townsponies had stopped to stare and Stout raised his eyebrow at them. “And just what are you looking at?”

The crowd dispersed, the ponies fleeing. Stout turned to his cronies and chuckled.

“Good day for a hanging, ain’t it, Big Ironshoe?” the pegasus asked, chortling as he spoke.

Author's Note

Hang on, and remember the rules!

The rock

For the second time, Tarnished Teapot awoke in pain. He was being bounced around a bit and he discovered he was laying on a folded blanket in the back of a wagon. His mind was filled with a confusing jumble of images, chaotic memories of being beaten senseless, trying to use his magic, failing, and everything had ended with him being hung by the neck from a tree.

He wondered why he wasn’t dead.

Opening his mouth, a low croak came out. His throat was sore, parched, and it hurt to breathe. When the wagon hit a bump, Tarnish felt a terrible pain in his leg, which had been splinted and wrapped with dusty looking bandages. Looking around, he saw a few rocks in the back of the wagon, a barrel that was lashed into the corner with rope, a few baskets, his pith helmet, and his saddlebags.

“Hello?” Tarnished Teapot said in a raspy croak, struggling to make himself heard.

The wagon came to a halt. Tarnish, feeling fearful, heard the clink and jangle of tack being loosened. He heard hooves and a soft flat humming sound that did not seem to vary in pitch, but a monotone hum.

There was a thump and Tarnish saw a face appear over the sideboard of the wagon. He saw two hooves resting upon the edge and an odd expressionless face looking down at him. She looked sleepy, or was perhaps one who suffered from perpetual boredom.

“I found you hanging from a tree.”

The mare’s voice was a flat monotone, devoid of any feeling or warmth. Tarnish looked up at her. Her pelt was the most uninteresting shade of grey he had ever seen and her mane was a soft, muted shade of violet. Her eyes were turquoise.

“You had a rope around your neck. Whoever hung you didn’t do a very good job. You also had a broken leg. While you were passed out, I set the bone and put your leg in a splint.”

Tarnish watched as the mare sighed.

“My name is Maud Pie. What is your name?” she asked, introducing herself.

“My name is Tarnished Teapot.” Looking up, Tarnish could not see any sign of expression upon her face. No smile. No glint in her eye. No flaring of her nostrils. The overall effect was creepy. “Thank you, Maud.”

“For what?” The mare blinked, her eyelids moved with an almost painful to look at slowness.

“For saving me. Fixing me up.” Tarnish coughed and cleared his throat.

“I am a rock specialist. I was in Dodge City Junction to do a geological survey for a mining consortium. I was on my way out of town when I found you. Saving you was no trouble.” Maud’s mouth pressed into a narrow line and she blinked again. “Would you like some water?”

Tarnish nodded.

“—that’s quite a tale, Tarnish,” Maud said as she looked over at the unicorn laying in the shade under the tree. “Pinkie Pie is easily distracted. You should have let the punchbowl hit the floor.”

It was impossible for Tarnish to figure out what Maud Pie was feeling. The mare made no expressions, her voice was a flat, dull monotone that conveyed no emotion, and she was very much unlike her sister, Pinkie Pie. It was difficult to believe that the two were sisters.

“Tarnish, did you ever stop to think that perhaps your magic was having an adverse effect upon Twilight Sparkle when she banished you? I’ve met her… she’s a nice pony and she loves my sister. My sister can be difficult to deal with sometimes and Twilight has long been her friend through good and bad times. Pinkie writes me a lot of letters and she tells me everything.”

With a gasp, Tarnish inhaled, making his sore neck ache. “Well, no… I… uh, um… I hadn’t thought of that.” He paused and reflected upon Maud’s words. “I mess up Twilight Sparkle’s magic something awful.”

“Did somepony say my name?” the voice came from Tarnish’s saddlebags.

He opened the talking saddlebag and pulled out the silver mirror, holding it in his left fetlock. He peered into it and saw Twilight Sparkle peering back.

“Tarnished Teapot, is that you?” Twilight asked. “I was just brushing my teeth and combing my hair when I heard a voice in my bathroom mirror.”

“Twilight?” Tarnish asked, staring into his mirror. “I’m looking into a mirror right now and seeing you.”

“Must be a magic mirror,” Twilight said, her muzzle scrunching up in concentration.

Maud, watching the exchange, remained silent.

“Tarnish, I’ve been worried about you… I’m really very sorry for what I did… I don’t even know for certain if it was ‘me’ that banished you or if I was under the influence of your magic.” Twilight’s eyes glimmered with tears. “I’m really sorry for what I did, but this just goes to show you how dangerous your talent is. I can’t let you come back—”

“Twilight, it’s okay,” Tarnish said, feeling as though a great weight was lifted off of his barrel as he spoke. “I’m sorry too. I was a jerk. I understand.”

“You do?” Twilight Sparkle’s image in the mirror blinked. “You were so angry… so hurt…”

“I’ve spent the past four years of my life acting like a jerk and using my talent as an excuse,” Tarnish said in a low voice. “I’m sorry. I realise what I’ve done and I sort of brought this on myself.”

Twilight’s image in the mirror looked up with a sad smile. “We have a means to communicate… with some distance between us, I won’t be affected by your magic… maybe I can help you control it… I would like to see if I can help you control it so that maybe—”

Tarnish shook the mirror, but it had gone silent. All that he saw it in was his own reflection. He shook it again, sighed, and then stuffed the mirror down into his saddlebags, cramming it in amongst the remaining walnuts that he had.

“That was a very grown up thing to do,” Maud said in a flat deadpan. “I bet that took some courage.”

“I keep making mistakes. All of last night was a mistake.” Tarnish scowled. “You know Maud, maybe it would be best if you just left me now, before something bad happens.”

“No.” Maud shook her head in a slow methodical manner. “If my sister knew I abandoned one of her friends, she would lecture me. And I don’t want to be lectured by my sister, Pinkie Pie.”

“I’m a disaster waiting to happen,” Tarnish said, unable to look at his earth pony companion. His foreleg felt heavy in the makeshift sling around his neck.

“You don’t know me very well.” Maud’s sleepy expression remained unchanged. “I’m not bothered by disasters. I grew up with Pinkie Pie. You know, she left home at an early age because she didn’t feel like she fit in. She traveled a while before settling in Ponyville.”

“So she didn’t fit in?” Tarnish asked.

“Let’s focus on you… you don’t feel like you fit in,” Maud replied.

“But I don’t fit in… I just got ran out of Dodge City Junction… I don’t think it’s safe for me to go back there.” Tarnish shook his head and tried to ignore the dull throb between his ears. “I’m going to run out of places where I am welcomed.”

“You might make mistakes, but you just owned your mistakes. You’ve admitted that you made several and you had the courage to talk to Twilight Sparkle with that weird magic mirror that stopped working.” Maud’s face was as expressionless as a stone while she spoke. “I don’t fit in either. Ponies don’t get me. It almost made me a very bitter pony, but I made a few uncomfortable personal self admissions. Afterwards, I had to figure out who I really was, and then I had to get comfortable with the pony that I discovered who I was.”

“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me,” Tarnish said as he looked Maud in the eye.

“Oh, I’m not done with you yet, so don’t thank me.” Maud’s eyelashes fluttered in slow motion as she blinked dust out of her eyes.

“So what now?” Tarnished Teapot asked.

“Well, I continue north because there are a few things I’d like to see and I am taking you with me. I plan to stop and see my parents. The family rock farm would be a good place for you to recuperate I think. So I guess you are coming home with me,” Maud replied.

“What did you want to look at?” Tarnish felt a genuine sense of curiousity. Maud appeared to be bored with everything.

“There is a place called Rambling Rock Ridge and it has wonderful basalt formations…”

Author's Note

Ok, breathe again.

What rhymes with rock? The weed has a talk...

What rhymes with rock? The weed has a talk...

The wagon rolled and bumped over the uneven trail, heading north at a glacial pace. Maud was not a fast pony. Maud was a sightseer, and she paused to look at any unusual rocks that lay at the side of the road.

Almost all rocks were unusual or special in their own way, so she stopped often.

The past three days had been rather boring.

Maud was an odd companion. There were times where she talked and times where she was silent to the point of being annoying. When asked about it, Maud had explained that she only said something when it needed to be said, and that she enjoyed the quiet. Rocks were quiet and Maud said that she was a rock pony, not an earth pony.

As the wagon bumped along, Tarnish held up the mirror, staring at it, and wishing it would work so he would have somepony to talk to. It glowed and grew warm in the sun, the silver had a comforting heat in the grip of his fetlock.

“Twilight Sparkle?”

“Tarnished Teapot, is that you?” a voice replied.

It worked!

“Tarnished Teapot, this is Twilight Sparkle… I can hear you… you need to leave your mirror out in the sun so it will recharge.”

Tarnish peered into his mirror and Twilight Sparkle’s face began to appear in its reflective surface. “How do you know that?”

“The past few days, I have done a little research,” Twilight Sparkle replied. “One of Princess Celestia’s assistants went missing about a hundred years ago. She had a magic mirror powered by the sun to keep in contact with Princess Celestia. She also had magic saddlebags. There aren’t very many magic mirrors.”

“I found the mirror with some saddlebags. I think I found the missing unicorn too. I found some bones in the bottom of a burrow. She fell down and broke both of her front legs. I fell down in there too. I guess the mirror was useless to call for help in the dark.”

“Or maybe it had stayed inside of the saddlebags for too long and lost its charge,” Twilight Sparkle said. Her face brightened. “Princess Celestia wants you to use the mirror so you and I can talk.”

“Princess Celestia?” Tarnish asked.

“I spoke to her when I started to research mirrors… anyway, she wants me to help you, which I planned to do anyway,” Twilight Sparkle replied. “When your mirror has enough charge, I should be able to see you. I am going to start carrying around a little mirror with me so you’ll be able to contact me. If you say Princess Celestia’s name, you can contact her as well. If a pony is around a mirror when their name is called, they will hear their name coming out the mirror.”

“Neat.”

“It is, really. The magic to make these mirrors is long gone and only a few of them remain in existence. They’re kind of sentient and grow attached to their owners. They are very hard to break, but they can shatter, so be careful.”

“Twilight Sparkle?”

“Yes?”

“I really am sorry…”

“I am too.”

The image in the mirror fuzzed over. “I think the mirror is dying… look, I have a message for Pinkie Pie… tell her that Maud sends her love.”

“Maud?” Twilight asked.

“I’m with Maud now,” Tarnish replied.

“I’ll let her know—”

The mirror died, mid-sentence. Tarnished stared into the mirror, feeling a little homesick, missing his mother, and feeling a little lonesome. Ahead of him, he heard Maud say, “A rock is you. You are a rock. Your solidness is a manifestation of your verisimilitude.”

He had no idea what Maud was going on about, but she had curious tastes in poetry. Ahead of them was grass and in the distance, the tall trees of the eastern edge of the Everfree were visible. Tarnish watched the scenery, ignoring the painful throb in his leg.

“To spend the day in grey, to wait and while the hours away, to sleep under sky and to rest in the clay, I want to be a rock.”

Tarnished Teapot turned and looked at the odd smock wearing pony. He blinked a few times, watching as she moseyed along in no big hurry, pulling the wagon without any signs of strain or effort.

She was strange. Not that Tarnish was complaining. Tarnish was in no position to be picky about his friends at this point in his life.

“And now, all the words that rhyme with rock: estok, kroc, kwok, krok, baack, antilock, chock, hock, hoch, jock, joch, krock, gohlke, barach, bloc, fyock, blok, tock…” Maud drew in a deep breath, her barrel swelling. “Proch, prock, schaack, mok, dock, overstock, kloc, vlok, knock, knoch, crock, ad-hoc, shock, roch, plock, rocke, ploch, waack, boch, bock, knaack, shaak, zoch, bach, haak…” Maud paused, looked skywards, blinked a few times as she watched the birds overhead, and then continued: “Schoch, spock, flock, croc, haake, clock, pock, poch, smock—I wear a smock because it rhymes with rock you know, if you are listening, Tarnished Teapot… rocque, groch, pathak, srock, elcock, gocke, chok, caulk, bok, shrock, bloch, block, schrock, sok, walk, skroch…”

No doubt, Maud was one weird mare, yet there was something attractive about her.

“...vocke, haacke, skok, undock, brock, kok, lok, sock—I once wore a sock, stocke, hassebrock, stock, schlock, bohlke, knaak, interlock, antiknock, frock—do you think I would look pretty in a frock?” Maud inhaled once more and continued northwards with the wagon. “Schock, restock, unlock, chalk, haack, cock… hmmm… locke, lock, loch, nock, stokke, brok, broc, adcock, laake, hoc, alcock, strock, laack, moch, mock, klock, wok, o'clock, klocke, kock, mach, maack, sprock, staack, doc, floc… I can’t think of any more words that rhyme with rock.”

Stunned, Tarnished Teapot stared at Maud with his mouth hanging open. He had no words to describe his experience and he stared at the monotoned mare with wide eyes. She had turned her head around and was looking at him.

“Is something wrong?” Maud asked. “Does my poetry bother you?”

“How do you do that?” Tarnish replied after finding his voice.

“Do what?” Maud blinked and looked bored.

“You would look pretty in a frock,” Tarnish said.

“You actually listened. Most ponies just tune me out. I can’t believe it.” Maud turned her head around so she could watch the road and continued northwards.

Author's Note

I'm... not... sorry...

A weed in the wind

Hobbling around on three legs, Tarnish watched as Maud sniffed a rock. He stopped hobbling around, sat down, and continued watching as Maud sniffed, prodded the rock with her hoof, flipped it over, and sniffed again. Up to this point in his life, Tarnished Teapot was unaware that rocks even had a smell.

There was a dull throb in his leg that he ignored. Maud had made plaster somehow. He wasn’t certain how she had managed to do it. But the mare had made plaster from some rocks she had found. He had no idea how she had done it, he had woken up in the back of the wagon with Maud holding a bowl of somewhat sparkly powder that she had said was plaster. She had removed his splint and then had made a cast out of another roll of bandages and the plaster she had made.

The air was much cooler now, and the rich smell of moist earth was a welcome smell. Tarnish watched as Maud moved around the campsite, stopping to look at rocks.

“You keep looking at me,” Maud said, her words coming out as slow as molasses. “Why?”

“I’m trying to figure you out,” Tarnish replied, being honest.

“Most ponies look at me for a while, get confused by me just being myself, and then they turn away so they can pretend that I don’t exist. They don’t get me and don’t wish to acknowledge me. But you… you haven’t stopped watching me. Should I feel flattered?” Maud’s eyes narrowed somewhat and one ear twitched as the breeze hit it.

“You are the weirdest, most interesting pony I’ve ever met,” Tarnish blurted out, knowing that honesty was the best policy. “You sniff rocks and your poetry… your poetry is the most unique thing I’ve ever heard. And I’ve never really been interested in poetry before.”

Maud’s stony expression remained unchanged. She stared at Tarnished Teapot for a moment, saying nothing, and then she turned away, walking away in a slow, steady gait. She picked up a bucket in her teeth and headed in the direction of the creek.

Tarnish wondered if he had said the wrong thing as he watched Maud go.

Maud was quiet. Too quiet. Even by her standards. She pulled the wagon in silence, and Tarnish felt a fretful sense of worry, he wondered if perhaps he had said something to offend her. She wasn’t even stopping to look at rocks, and there were rocks everywhere. Big rocks. Little rocks.

Tarnish wished that Maud would say something. Anything. This was torture. He was certain that he had offended her somehow, and he sat in silence, not knowing what to say or do as the chasm of silence grew wider and wider. The sound of the grass growing was deafening compared to the silence that blared off of Maud.

Contemplating his own stupidity, Tarnish thought about his time in Dodge City Junction. Longhaul had warned him that it was a bad place that was full of bad ponies. Tarnish had made a little bit of money, and, as he reflected upon it, had gone looking for a good time. The city had chewed him up and spit him out. He had purchased alchemically laced salts. He had drank whiskey. He had watched a bawdy musical show. He had gone to bed with a painted mare, a painted mare that had been another pony’s wife, and she had robbed him blind. A day’s pay had been his undoing.

He resolved not to make those mistakes again. He thought about his mother and wondered what she might say about the whole thing. He felt anger stirring in his heart as he thought about it, his mother… she couldn’t or wouldn’t say who his father was. She spent her life in bowling alleys and came home late at night smelling of cheap beer and cheaper coffee if she came home at all. She had given him a spare key for the front door one day and had told him not to burn the place down.

Tarnished Teapot wondered if the fact that the place had in fact, burned down was actual irony. Well, not all of it had burned down, just most of it, along with about half of Ponyville in one spectacular conflagration.

“OH MY GOSH! I CAN’T TAKE IT! IF I SAID SOMETHING THAT HURT YOU I’M SO SORRY!” Tarnish cried out.

“Took you long enough,” Maud replied.

“What?” Tarnish felt the corner of his eye twitching as the wagon rocked back and forth.

“I said, ‘Took you long enough.’ I wanted to see if you would talk to me if you thought you did something wrong,” Maud explained.

Feeling just awful, Tarnish’s words came out as a whimper. “Why would you do this to me?”

“Because. I had to know,” Maud replied.

“Know what?” Tarnish asked, his voice a sad, pathetic squeak.

“If you were interested in me or I was just a way to pass the time.” Maud turned her head around and looked at Tarnish, who was sitting in the wagon. “If I was just a way to pass the time, you wouldn’t be so worked up and worried about having hurt my feelings. You feel guilty, and you’ve been worrying this whole time that you hurt me.”

Tarnish’s mouth hung open.

“You were actually worried about my feelings. Huh.” Maud turned her head back around and looked ahead as she made her way down the road. “Close your mouth. You might eat a bug. If you ate a bug, I might have to make my first poem about something that wasn’t a rock.”

“You… you… you…” Tarnish said, stammering as he attempted to speak.

“Nopony has ever been interested in me before,” Maud said. “But lots of ponies have watched me to ridicule me. You’ve been staring at me nonstop. You have been watching everything I do. You’ve been nice, but a lot of ponies have been nice to me and then made fun of me when they had the chance. Or they carelessly say something about how I am and give no thought to my feelings or how their careless words might make me feel. Just because I don’t look like I react doesn’t mean I don’t react. I just have trouble showing my feelings… my enthusiasm, my anger, my amusement, my everything, it has trouble showing so ponies think I don’t have feelings. You… you thought about my feelings. You never made the assumption that I don’t have feelings. Even Pinkie Pie’s friends were careless with some of the things they said.” Maud paused and was silent for a few minutes as she walked. Then, she cleared her throat and said, “Thank you.”

Staring at Maud, Tarnished Teapot struggled to think of something to say, some means of acknowledging her, something witty, something clever, something meaningful in response. He opened his mouth, drew in a deep breath as he prepared himself to say something, and sucked in a beetle that happened to be flying past. He coughed, started choking, and felt the wagon come to a stop.

Author's Note

Sorry folks... it is going to get sappy eventually...

The rock reveals her crevice

Rambling Rock Ridge looked like almost any other collection of rocks, even though Maud seemed to think it was something pretty special. The road had become more of a wagon track and became bumpier and bumpier, with deep ruts as well as places where it had almost vanished.

Maud continued until she reached a place where a faded wooden sign stood in a lonesome vigil, unreadable, forgotten, gone. She had pulled the wagon off of the rough trail and onto an even rougher trail, one leading up along a ravine, before dropping down. At the end of the trail, there was a clearing, and it appeared to be a somewhat decent place to camp.

Basalt. There was basalt all around. Columns of basalt, almost a forest of basalt, sprung up from the ground all around Tarnished Teapot. There were paths in between the basalt. The columns were spread out, there were spaces between them. It was strange and it was beautiful. He had never seen anything quite like this. All of them were squarish, with sharp angles, rough edges, and the formations did not seem natural, yet they were.

Tarnish hobbled between them on three legs, his eyes wide, taking in the visual oddities around him, and dumbstruck by the beauty of the world.

“If you leave your mouth open like that, you might eat a bug again,” Maud said in a bored sounding monotone as she snapped a photo of Tarnish, who happened to be standing in front of an odd octogonal basalt column.

“Maud, how did this happen?” Tarnish asked. For once, he wanted to get the long boring answer; he found that his curiousity was genuine.

“Well, a long time ago, a glacier covered this area, carving a gash into the rock ridge over there. It moved though here too, crushing the basalt. Some of the columns weakened, while others stayed strong. When the glacier melted, there was a lot of flooding, and this area became swampy. Eventually, water flowed through here, and the swamp drained. The weak basalt columns, the ones that crumbled, took damage, or were not strong enough, they were eroded away, leaving behind only the strong ones. Now there is a forest of basalt columns left behind with lots of gaps and spaces between the remaining columns of basalt,” Maud replied, saying everything in a long, droning monotone.

“This place is great for birds… there are a lot of nests at the top of these standing stones.” Tarnish craned his head up, peering out from beneath his pith helmet.

“Birds and many other creatures come here to breed; this place is vital to the local ecosystem and hosts a wide and varied ecology. The biological diversity here is one of the most concentrated in all of Equestria. Lots of bugs, birds, and small mammals.” Maud moved among the basalt columns at an almost glacial pace, looking around, taking everything in.

The rock loving earth pony snapped another picture with the camera around her neck.

This was a peaceful place, a quiet place, a place of contemplation. Tarnish sat down on the soft grass that grew between the columns. He closed his eyes and felt the warmth of the sun shining down upon him. There were no pressing needs at the moment. He had food, even if it was boring food, he had water. There was a rather nice pony he was traveling with. He had been talking with Twilight Sparkle and trying to sort his life out. He had told Twilight about the two brothers selling alchemically laced salts in Dodge City Junction, and confessed his stupidity that had led to his undoing.

Much to his surprise, Twilight Sparkle had not judged him, but had reassured him that everypony made foolish mistakes while they were young and figuring life out. Twilight Sparkle had then told him the story of when she had enchanted a doll named ‘Smarty Pants’ and had been worried about being sent back to magical kindergarten.

Hearing the full story put quite a different spin on things.

“Would you like to see a cave?” Maud asked, interrupting Tarnish’s thoughts. “It’s dark and not many ponies have seen it. I would like to show you.”

Clearing his throat, Tarnish felt warmth creeping over his cheeks. Opening his eyes, Tarnish struggled to reply in such a way that did not sound like innuendo. His sixteen year old mind screamed at him to say something witty. Having learned that his sixteen year old mind was the source of all of his troubles, Tarnish said nothing in reply, but nodded instead.

“This is the reason why basalt is so special,” Maud said as she lowered Tarnish down the hole, a rope tied around his middle. “Most ponies have never seen this, and most ponies would not care.”

It was dark down here. There was nothing to see, and Tarnish was too afraid to use his magic. He had used it a few times, causing some peculiar effects to the world around him, but Maud seemed unaffected thus far. He guided himself down the hole using his hind legs and his good front leg to keep from bumping into the sides of the passage.

This was, as Maud had explained, flood basalt. And flood basalt had unusual properties sometimes. As he descended into the dark, the light from above growing dimmer and dimmer, Tarnish wondered what was down here.

At long last, his hooves touched the ground, which happened to be a wooden platform, or at least felt and sounded like it. Tarnish was surprised. He could see nothing, there was only a pinprick of light from up above.

“Hold on, I’m coming,” Maud said, her voice echoing down the hole.

Tarnish was tempted to illuminate his horn for light. He waited, and could just make out Maud overhead, scrabbling down the passage, bracing her legs out on each side to slow her descent. He stepped out of the way, bumped into a wooden railing, and stood waiting.

Maud dropped down beside, her four hooves thumping upon the wooden planks. She had left most of her gear above ground, but he could see the dim light of an oil lantern that hung around her neck.

Slipping the rope loop from around her neck, Maud placed the lantern upon a wooden post that stood in the corner of the platform. The faint light did nothing but illuminate the immediate space around the pair.

Reaching out her hoof, Maud turned the knob, and the lantern light flared.

Looking around, Tarnish could see what he thought were a million sparkling stars twinkling in the darkness. The lantern light grew even brighter, until at last, it was as bright as it would get. The walls of the cavern were gemstone spikes.

“This is a giant geode.” Maud sat down upon the wooden platform. “We are standing inside of a giant geode.”

“This is beautiful,” Tarnish gasped. He sat down beside Maud and looked around, seeing all of the different colours. Greens, blues, purples, yellows, reds, so many colours. “I had no idea such beauty existed.”

“I come here when I need to get away from the world. When I need to think.” Maud’s voice sounded bored, almost sleepy. Her half open eyelids fluttered. “I’ve been to Canterlot. I wasn’t impressed. They’ve ruined a lot of perfectly good rocks there. But this place is perfect and unspoiled.”

The pair sat together in the flickering lamp light, Tarnished Teapot looking around wide eyed, looking very foalish as he took in the natural beauty all around him, while Maud looked very calm and sedate.

“Maud?”

“Yes?”

“I will remember this day, the day you showed me your cave, as being one of the most special days in my life… thank you.”

Author's Note

If a mare ever trusts you enough to show off her cave, be polite, be considerate, and tell her it's beautiful.

To put down roots, or to be uprooted

The campfire crackled and popped. There were a million stars overhead, each of them a twinkling jewel. Whippoorwills cried in the distance, owls hooted, and swarms of bats went flying past, out looking for bugs.

Tarnish was alone with his thoughts. Maud, on the other side of the campfire, was sound asleep, using a rock for a pillow. He looked at her for a moment as she slept, and his eyes returned to the stars.

It had been the most amazing day. Feeling very small, feeling humbled, Tarnish reflected upon the events of the day. Most ponies would never know the hidden beauty that existed down in the bottom of a crack in the earth. He thought of Buttons, the diamond dog he had met. She was very much like the geode cave, off in a very inaccessible place, but she had been worth the trip as well. He found that he missed Buttons, and a part of him wanted to see her again.

Staring at the stars, Tarnish’s thoughts turned to Twilight Sparkle. He wondered if Twilight was becoming his friend. It seemed reasonable that she was, she was the Princess of Friendship after all. He felt very, very sorry for what he had said to Twilight as he had walked away from Ponyville. Turning his head, he looked at his cutie mark, the poison joke flower. It was the perfect representation of his magic, and perhaps, his life.

He wondered how long it would be before something happened that screwed up his relationship with Maud, whatever that relationship was. Friends? It was hard to tell. Maud wasn’t the sort that showed her emotions and she was impossible to read. There was something there, but it was impossible to know what it was. Perhaps it was friendship with curiousity, an interest in the possibility of something more.

Sooner or later, Tarnish knew that something would happen that would ruin everything. Tarnish found that he liked Maud; he liked her a great deal. She was unlike any other pony he had ever met. He looked over at her, sighed, and then began to feel a terrible feeling of dread, not wanting to hurt her. Sooner or later, his magic ruined everything.

With a heavy heart, Tarnish came to an unpleasant conclusion. At some point, something would happen and Maud would come to hate him. He watched her as she slept, her barrel rising and falling beneath her blanket. At some point, everything would go wrong. Everything had gone wrong in Dodge City Junction. Tarnish had been plenty stupid, but he wondered if perhaps his own magic had something to do with it.

Perhaps the best way to deal with his talent was to avoid ponies altogether. Perhaps he should find himself a secluded shack in the middle of an inaccessible swamp like Buttons and hide away from the world. She didn’t fit in with her fellow diamond dogs and ponies in general did not welcome her, fearful of what she was.

Tarnish heaved a heavy sigh as he thought about leaving. A gentle breeze blew, it caused the flames in the fire to flicker and one of Maud’s ears began to twitch. Tarnished Teapot, his brain informed him in a stern internal voice. If you walk away right now, you will never, ever be able to live with yourself, wondering what might have been. He looked over at his saddlebags and his pith helmet which sat atop them.

There was a long agonising moment where Tarnish wasn’t certain what he should do.

You know, a colder voice within his head said. Sooner or later, the circumstances will change and when everything goes wrong, you will still be walking away. Only Maud will be hurt and you’ll still be leaving. You cannot change the inevitable. If you leave now, you’d be doing her a favour.

Tarnished Teapot’s ears drooped down to the sides of his face.

That’s not true, the other voice said. You’d still be hurting her. She likes you. If you walk away now, you are going to spend the rest of your life walking away, trying to avoid trouble. Is that what you want? To go through life, unloved, unwanted, your only knowledge of love being a rampaging she manticore and a painted mare of the night? Don’t blow this… just wait this out and see what happens.

“But I don’t want to hurt her,” Tarnish said to himself out loud.

Closing his eyes, Tarnish lay his head down upon the blanket he was lying upon, he fought to silence the voices bickering in between his ears, and he wished that sleep would take him, as he was unable to bear this internal struggle any longer.

Looking over, Tarnish could see Maud sitting up on top of a column of rock. He had no idea how she had climbed up there, but she was up there, writing something down in her research journal. Earlier, she had made measurements with a long length of cord that had black lines dyed into it to mark length. Tarnish had no idea what she was doing, but it seemed to be important.

Reaching out, Tarnished Teapot picked up the mirror, which was sitting on top of his saddlebags. He took a deep breath, held it, let it out, took another, closed his eyes, and then he said, “Twilight Sparkle?”

He waited, staring at the mirror, part of him hoping that she would be there, the other part of him hoping there would be no answer. The conflicted feeling from last night still permeated his brain and he didn’t know what to feel about anything.

“Twilight?”

“Tarnished Teapot?”

Looking into the mirror, Tarnish saw Twilight. She looked tired. Her eyes were red and her mane was messy. “Hello Twilight.”

“I was just researching some way to help you,” Twilight said in a low, tired voice. “I am in the Royal Archives in Canterlot, in the Magical Oddities wing. I’ve found something interesting.”

“Oh?” Tarnish peered into the mirror, his curiousity overcoming his feelings of insecurity, and causing him to forget about his troubles for a moment.

“There was a pony named Snowy Summit… his cutie mark was a nullwood tree… do you know what nullwood is?”

“No,” Tarnish replied, staring at Twilight in the mirror.

“Ponies have done all they can to destroy nullwood trees… they radiate antimagic. All magic ceases to function around them. Unicorns have no spells, pegasi can’t fly, earth ponies lose their strength… Snowy Summit was a walking island of antimagic. He was an earth pony… and he was banished for the safety of others.”

“I see.” Tarnish’s ears fell back against his head and his expression fell somewhat.

“Princess Celestia never gave up on him. She worked endlessly, trying to find some way for him to fit in, some way for him to belong. He was very dangerous though, and Princess Celestia had a very hard time figuring out what to do. Nullification magic is so hazardous… around magical creatures, like dragons and chimeras, it sickens them, even kills them. There was no place that Snowy Summit was welcomed.”

“You know Twilight, this is not helping me feel better,” Tarnish said in a meek voice.

“I’m sorry… what I am about to say won’t make you feel any better either, I’m afraid. There was finally a use for Snowy Summit… turned out, he had been born for a purpose, just like everypony else.”

“And that is?” Tarnish asked.

“There was a powerful necromancer… his name was Grogar. Grogar was a horrible sorcerous goat with terrible powers. Grogar planned to open a portal to Tartarus and unleash an army of the undead upon Equestria. Snowy Summit stopped him.”

“What happened?” Tarnish looked into Twilight’s face, noticing how sad she looked.

“When Snowy Summit encountered Grogar, the portal that Grogar was trying to create became unstable,” Twilight replied in a soft voice. The image of her in the mirror shook her head. “The resulting implosion put an end to Grogar’s evil. Snowy Summit’s body was never found, neither was Grogar’s. The explosion created the San Palomino desert. Princess Celestia awarded him a knighthood, posthumously of course.”

Tarnish shuddered. “Everything you just said did nothing to make me feel better.”

“But Snowy did have a purpose. A pony is born and they are given a destiny, that is the purpose of cutie marks. There is something that only that pony can do, something that makes them special… you have a dangerous, even destructive talent, but you have a purpose. That is why your cutie mark exists.”

Twilight Sparkle’s words offered no comfort. Tarnish sighed. “I don’t want to die to find my purpose. That sounds awful.”

“Tarnish, I don’t think it will come to that. This is just proof that no talent, no cutie mark, no purpose is useless. Snowy Summit and his seemingly cursed talent saved the lives of so many. His talent made him great. Don’t look at your talent as a curse, but as a potential sign of greatness. You were born to do something that nopony else can do. And I’m going to help you find out what it is. Princess Celestia never gave up on Snowy Summit, and as the Element of Magic, I am going to do everything in my power to help you.”

“Thank you, Twilight… that means a lot…”

“I need to go… I’m getting funny looks from the librarian for talking in the library. Goodbye Tarnished Teapot, good luck, and don’t give up,” Twilight Sparkle said.

“Goodbye, Twilight…”

Author's Note

Geology and biology... the talk

“So tell me, Tarnish, given some thought about leaving?” Maud asked in a flat deadpan, her sleepy looking expression as unchanging as the columns of stone all around her.

“Wait, how did you know?” Tarnish replied, feeling a bit of panic.

Maud blinked. “I didn’t know until just now, when you confirmed it.”

Wincing, Tarnished Teapot shook his head, feeling a burning sense of embarrassment for being outsmarted. More than anything else at the moment, he wanted to crawl down into the earth and die. Maud’s stare unnerved him and he didn’t know what to say.

“That’s pretty stupid, you having a broken leg and all.” One of Maud’s ears twitched as a gust of wind blew through the rocky ravine. “You wouldn’t have made it very far, and I would have had to come looking for you.”

It was time to change the subject to something less embarrassing, something less painful, something where Tarnish no longer felt the need to crawl down into the earth and die. Tarnished Teapot had no idea what to say though.

“You liked my cave. There are other things I want to show you. If you left now, I would be very disappointed,” Maud said in the same droning monotone that she always used.

“Maud, why the fixation with rocks?” Tarnish watched Maud, hopeful to see some expression, some reaction, perhaps some flash in her eyes. “I’m curious… what is it with you and rocks?”

There was nothing. Maud’s face remained impassive and blank.

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes, Maud, I would really like to know,” Tarnish replied.

Maud’s head tilted off to one side, but her expression remained stony. “You are the only person outside of my family to ask me that. Okay, very well then. I shall tell you about my fascination with rocks.”

The earth pony settled her backside into the grass, getting herself comfortable, and looked Tarnish straight in the eye. She blinked, cleared her throat, took a deep breath, and then she said, “I grew up on a rock farm. We grow rocks. We put the rocks out in a field and we move them around, and sometimes, the rocks change. Sometimes, the rocks get mineral growth, like copper, zinc, silver, and even gold. Other times, the rocks get precious gems.”

Tarnish’s mouth fell open.

“When I was a little filly, I wanted to know why this happened. My father was bothered by my curiosity. He told me that why wasn’t important, only that it happened. We lived on a plot of land that made rocks change. Not much else grows there, and the land itself is more than a little weird.” Maud paused, took a deep breath, and then continued: “I was smart by any standards and I never stopped asking questions. My mother, she saw my potential, and she talked my father into making certain that I got the best schooling that we could afford. I completed both primary school and secondary school by the time I was fourteen. Turns out, I was a prodigy.”

Tarnish nodded.

“I was smart. Real smart. And I was motivated by one thing; I just had to know why our rocks did what they did. I was offered scholarships to several universities and a number of ponies came out to our rock farm to talk to my parents, trying to coax them into making me go their school. There was a lot of competition. Eventually, I went to the University of Las Pegasus and joined their geology program. I completed school with a double rocktorate degree in both geological sciences and theoretical thaumaturgical geology when I was eighteen years old. Sadly, I did not have an answer, but I had ideas.”

“And those ideas are?” Tarnish saw something in Maud’s eyes, or at least he thought he did. It might have been his imagination. But he could swear that he saw something.

Maud took a deep breath. “Mind you, this is only a theory.” Maud’s eyes narrowed somewhat. “Ley lines. I suspect that it has something to do with ley lines. We’re sitting in a place where ley lines intersect. The rocks here are mineral rich. There are quite a number of geodes. But not every ley line intersection has geological oddities.”

“But your farm does, doesn’t it?” Tarnish asked.

“The Pie family rock farm sits right on top of a ley line intersection,” Maud replied. Her ears pitched forwards. “There are different types of ley lines. That is what I am going around and studying. I am uniquely suited for this endeavour. Not only am I knowledgeable about the subject, but I am well defended against the hazards. Not all ley line intersections are safe. Poison joke grows in quite a few places where ley lines intersect. Not only does it change the rocks, but the local flora and fauna as well. Magical mutations are common. Water can run uphill. Weird things happen. Time slows down or runs fast. And bad things happen to ponies to go into these places to study. But not me.”

Tarnish’s lips pressed into a straight line.

“I am a rock.” Maud’s voice remained a passive monotone. “Both metaphorically and physically, I am a rock. I am completely immune to poison joke and hostile magical effects don’t bother me much.” She paused for a moment and allowed her words to sink in.

“What?” Tarnish’s mouth fell open.

“That’s why I’m not worried about your magic. I’ve walked into chaos vortexes with hardly any ill effects. It earned me quite a reputation when I was in school. And now that I am out of school, I am doing my own research. It costs money to research, which is why I take on odd jobs and do geological surveys for mining companies.”

“You go walking through poison joke?” Tarnish asked.

“Many times. It is a common hazard in a number of geologically curious sites. It needs magically rich ground for it to grow. Never once has it bothered me,” Maud replied.

Shaking his head, Tarnished Teapot stared at Maud in disbelief. “How is this even possible?”

“My cutie mark is a rock.” Maud shrugged. “You know Tarnish, a little science education might do you good. Make you feel better about yourself. Poison joke can survive in places so hostile to all other forms of life that no other regular life can survive there. I’ve even seen places where nothing but poison joke will grow, it sprouts out of the cracks in the rocks and it is the only living thing in the whole area.”

“How is that even possible?”

“Poison joke only needs a few things to survive. A place to put down roots, a source of magic to keep it nourished, and sunlight. It is known as the unkillable weed among scholars. Despite dedicated efforts to eradicate it, it continues to thrive in places where nothing else can.”

“But I am not poison joke… it is only my cutie mark.”

“And I am made of flesh and bone and blood, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am a rock.”

Author's Note

**Scratches head**

A weed in Rock Haven

His leg itched inside of the plaster cast. Tarnished Teapot tried to think about everything but his itching and somewhat throbby leg. The wagon went over an exceptional sized bump; Tarnish struggled to stay upright and keep his balance.

Maud seemed to be moving at a brisk pace, but the destination was unknown. Tarnish had asked, but Maud had said nothing, changing the subject. Maud seemed to have two settings when it came to conversation and dialogue. Bare minimum and verbose. Tarnish, after a bit of self reflection, found that he could live with that.

Looking out towards the sun, Tarnish concluded that they had to be heading east. There was a dirt road of sorts, more of a trail than anything else, and the ground was flat here. To the north, mountains were visible in the far distance. To the south were hills and more mountains. They seemed to be in a valley. Tarnish could not help but to wonder where they were going.

There was a collection of buildings clustered around a crossroads. A nearby sign said “Fillydelphia” and had an arrow pointing along the east road. Above the words “Fillydelphia” there was another sign. This one said “Rock Haven” and the wood was a dull, faded grey.

Very much like the rest of the town. The buildings looked rather ramshackle and the town had seen better days. There were no signs up on the buildings to let outsiders know what the building was, what purpose that it served. This was a town that did not cater to outsiders.

“Come on, follow me,” Maud said as she began to walk over towards one of the buildings.

Tarnish took off as fast as his three legs would allow. There were a few ponies standing around, looking at him, very plain looking ponies with unreadable faces. Tarnish hoped that his magic would be on its best behaviour.

“Tarnished Teapot, this is Doctor Hedge. He is not only the town’s doctor, but also the postmaster, the notary public, the town’s primary means of law enforcement, and the mayor.” Maud turned towards Tarnish. “Doctor Hedge, this is Tarnished Teapot. He has a broken leg. I set it and put it in a cast.”

“Hmm, I should have a look at that,” Doctor Hedge said as he stepped forwards.

Tarnish started to protest, but was scooped up in Doctor Hedge’s magic. He found himself set down upon a table, which appeared to be a postal sorting table. He gulped, feeling nervous, and wondered what was about to happen.

“Full name?” the doctor asked.

“Tarnished Teapot.”

“Age?”

“Sixteen.”

“Hmm.” The doctor lifted up a clipboard and began to scribble something down. “Occupation?”

“Well, I uh, I was a—”

“He is my research assistant. I just hired him after an extensive interviewing process,” Maud said, her dull sounding monotone cutting Tarnish off mid-sentence.

“I see… rocktorate research assistant.” The doctor raised his eyebrow and peered at Maud. “I suppose you will be hoofing the bill?”

The stoic earth pony said nothing, but did make an almost unnoticeable nod of her head.

“And how did your leg get broken?” Doctor Hedge asked.

A heavy sigh slipped out of Tarnished Teapot and his head dropped down to the wooden table. “I was an idiot and I made a number of really bad decisions. It ended with getting quite a beating, having my leg broken, and being hung from a tree outside of Dodge City Junction.”

“I see.” Doctor Hedge turned once more to look at Maud, his eyebrow raised. He saw the earth pony give a faint nod. “I suppose that Maud here was the one who cut you down from the tree?”

“Yes sir, she was,” Tarnish replied.

“Maud’s mother and father raised her right. Of course she did,” the doctor said as a hard looking smile spread over his lips. “Dodge City Junction is a horrible cesspool of equinity. You’re lucky that all you got was a broken leg and a beating.” The doctor shook his head. “I hate to ask you this, but I am a very blunt pony. Did you sleep with any harlots? Dodge City Junction is riddled with diseases.”

All too aware that Maud was staring at him, Tarnish felt queasy as he nodded. It felt more awkward now than it did when he first had told her.

“Well then, a shot of penicillin and a few other injections are in order as well, just to be safe. I’d rather err upon the side of caution.” The doctor wrote down a few more things upon his clipboard.

“I feel really bad about what I did… I feel so guilty… I was on drugs at the time,” Tarnish blurted out. He then realised that he was doing nothing to help himself and his expression became one of mental anguish. “I had just gotten paid… I made some stupid decisions… I did something dumb. I feel really bad about what I’ve done… she wasn’t just some painted mare, she was also another pony’s wife… I was really, really stupid and I—”

“Look, it ain’t my place to judge. Son, we all do stupid stuff. When I got out of the naval academy and served aboard an airship, I did all manner of stupid stuff that I ain’t proud of now. Only what I did cost me my career in the service. So don’t feel bad, okay son?” The doctor’s hard expression softened.

“I feel so guilty and I feel awful because of everything that’s happened,” Tarnish admitted.

“Did you learn from it?” Doctor Hedge asked.

“Yes I did… I did learn something from it,” Tarnish replied. He looked over at Maud with pleading eyes. Maud’s expression was blank; impassive, and nothing could be read from it.

“Well, I need to cut this cast off so I can have a better look at your leg. You’ll need few injections, just to be on the safe side, and I think I’ll give you a physical while you are here,” Doctor Hedge said.

“I’ll be back in a bit. I have a few errands to do,” Maud said to Doctor Hedge. “See that he is well cared for. Thank you.” Maud paused for a moment and looked at Tarnish. “Oh, Tarnish, what is your mother’s name again?”

“Pinny Lane.”

“Thanks.”

“Maud, why do you need to know?” Tarnish asked.

The earth pony made no reply, but walked out the door, leaving Tarnish alone with the doctor. Tarnish sighed, wishing that Maud would have answered. He sighed and then resigned himself to be poked and prodded by the doctor.

When the door shut, Doctor Hedge looked down at Tarnished Teapot on the table. “I have known Maud all of her life. I birthed her into this world. Her sisters too. Now, I don’t claim to understand her, because I don’t, she is as mysterious as the day is long, but I can tell you this.” The doctor looked Tarnish in the eye. “She is a good pony. Don’t mess things up. She’s trying to help you. You let her. Do you hear me?”

“Yes, I hear you,” Tarnish replied.

“She was an odd foal. She never cried after she was born. Her parents worried that something was wrong with her. She was completely silent and as far as I know, she never, ever cried. Even when I gave her some vaccination shots… I stuck her in her backside and she just turned to look at me with that expression of hers. Not one peep. First time in my whole life I ever felt guilty about giving a foal a shot.” Doctor Hedge shook his head as he began to clear off the table. “She stayed silent for a long time… never talked. When she became a yearling, we all worried that she was mute. She never even tried to communicate.”

Tarnish watched the doctor stacking boxes in a corner.

“And then one day, she just started talking, like she had been doing it all her life, but she didn’t talk like a foal. She was like a teeny tiny adult in a foal’s body. She’s something.”

“She certainly is.” Tarnish felt his stomach muscles tense as the doctor began pulling out a number of syringes and what appeared to be a rotary saw. He gulped.

“Now, when I cut this cast off, I need you to hold very, very still…”

Author's Note

Soon, very soon, the weed will be among the rocks.

A weed on the farm

With her sleepy looking eyes, Maud Pie looked down at Tarnished Teapot’s new cast. She gave a slight nod of approval, blinked, and then with an almost mechanical slowness, she turned to look at the doctor. “I take it that everything is okay?”

“Yes, you did a good job of setting the bone. He’s already healing up. I gave him an injection that will speed up the healing process a bit, should cut the time almost in half. He’ll be fine,” Doctor Hedge replied.

“Thank you, doctor.”

“Don’t mention it. Everything is on your bill, but don’t worry about it right now, I know that you are good for it. Say hello to your family for me when you head home,” Doctor Hedge said in a pleasant and somewhat cheerful voice.

“Well, Tarnish, I’m going home, and you are coming with me.” Maud looked Tarnish in the eye. “Daddy can be a little stern. Don’t worry though.”

“Um, Maud, I don’t know that I feel right about this… going to meet your parents. It feels off to me for some reason.” Tarnish cleared his throat and his gaze dropped down to his cast.

“You are bound to meet my parents sooner or later. Plus, you need a place to get your head together and heal up a bit before we take off for further field research.” Maud’s expressionless face revealed nothing of her emotions.

“Maud, I do believe the colt is worried about meeting your parents for other reasons,” Doctor Hedge said, trying to be helpful. “Usually a mare or a filly brings home a colt or a stallion to meet her parents with the intent of showing her parents that she’s serious about a relationship.”

Maud turned and looked at the doctor. “But that’s what I’m doing.” Maud blinked and her ears perked forwards as her tail swished around her hind legs. “I’ve even shown him my cave. Everything beyond this point is a foregone conclusion. He liked my poems.”

Doctor Hedge coughed, his eyes went wide, but he said nothing. He looked at Tarnished Teapot and saw a rather worried look on the colt’s face. The doctor realised that Maud took the same approach to romance that she had taken for every other thing she had done in her life. The practical and straightforward approach. For an instant, the doctor felt a moment of pity for Tarnish, but after a brief instant of consideration, where the doctor thought about the long talk he and Tarnish had shared, Doctor Hedge reached the conclusion that the colt needed something to straighten him out a bit. He needed a firm pony to keep him on the straight and narrow. And Maud was a firm pony, of this, there was no doubt.

“Son, good luck… you’re gonna need it.”

Ahead was the dreariest place that Tarnished Teapot had ever seen. He had roamed the badlands, been on the alkali flats, and he had explored the desert. The Pie Family Rock Farm had all of those places beat. Everything was grey or brown. The windmill water pump creaked and squeaked as it turned. A well made and sturdy looking house stood near the windmill water pump. A somewhat rusty silo stood guard over the property. There were some dead trees, some brown scrub grass, and the entire farm was down in a valley, surrounded on three sides by hills.

“It sits on a ley line intersection. Not much grows here because of that. I placed a marker where the lines intersect, and we’ve started placing rocks directly upon the lines. It has increased our yield several hundred fold, but the extra money hasn’t changed us, so don’t worry. We’re still very simple ponies,” Maud said as she pulled the wagon over the bumpy, rutted road. “We have diversified… mama has started selling her blue ribbon rock hard fudge and peanut brittle nuggets.”

“Rock hard fudge?” Tarnish asked. Without realising it, he licked his lips.

“Secret family recipe. Only mama and Pinkie Pie know it. Super dense and made with dark, dark chocolate,” Maud replied. “I hardly ever eat it. I don’t care much for sweets.”

Peering ahead, Tarnish saw a purplish-grey figure approaching them on the road.

“This is my little sister, Marble Pie. She is the hide and seek champion in these parts. If she hides, she is very, very hard to find. Almost as hard to find as Boulder when we play camouflage.” Maud Pie came to a halt and she watched as her sister drew ever closer.

Marble Pie, a filly that was on the verge of being a mare approached, saying nothing, and when she reached Maud, she kissed her sister on the cheek. After stepping away from Maud, her eyes narrowed and she began to study Tarnish, who was sitting in the wagon.

“Marble, this is Tarnished Teapot.” Maud turned to look at Tarnish. “Tarnished Teapot, this is Marble Pie, my little sister. She doesn’t say much. She’s quiet.” Maud resumed walking, pulling the wagon behind her home.

Marble, who started walking beside her sister, craned her head around to look at Tarnish, who gave her a nervous wave.

“Hello, Marble,” Tarnish said. He saw Marble give him a nod of acknowledgement.

“Limestone Pie, Marble Pie’s twin, she will talk your ear off. And she can be a little loud. I think you’ll like her.” Maud’s head was high as she headed home, and her mane bounced around her neck as she trotted.

Feeling the first hints of apprehension and anxiety, Tarnished Teapot remained silent as the wagon rolled up the road. He saw more ponies gathering together up ahead, standing in front of the door to the house. The trio stood watching, waiting as Maud pulled up towards the house.

Feeling nervous, Tarnish felt his stomach doing flip flops. He looked around, taking in the sights of the farm. There was another wagon, this one had a broken wheel and was in the middle of being repaired. The house looked clean and tidy. There were simple, plain looking drapes in the windows. A wooden rocking chair sat in the dust near the front steps. There was a pile of rocks sitting in a two wheeled cart parked near the windmill water pump.

And then, the wagon came to a sudden halt. Tarnished Teapot swallowed and his throat felt dry. He removed his pith helmet, setting it down in the wagon, and then with great care, he hopped down and landed on three legs as Maud unhitched herself from the wagon.

“Igneous, Maud has brought home a colt,” the middle aged mare said in a low voice.

“I see that, Cloudy,” the stallion replied.

“Hi Maud!” Limestone threw herself at her sister while Maud stood there as still as a statue. “Who’s your fellah?” she asked in the nosy manner of little sisters everywhere.

Maud sighed. “Mom, Dad, Limestone, this is my friend, Tarnished Teapot. He’s going to help me do some research.” Maud made a sweeping gesture towards Tarnish. “Tarnish, this is my father, Igneous Rock, my mother, Cloudy Quartz, and my other little sister, Limestone Pie.”

“Welcome.” Cloudy Quartz stood still, eyeing Tarnish. She then turned and looked at her husband. “Igneous,” she said in a low voice. “Maud has never brought home a colt before. What do we do?”

The sideburned stallion shrugged. “Welcome.” Igneous reached up with his hoof and tilted his hat back so he could stare at Tarnished Teapot with no obstructions.

Unsure of what to do, Tarnish waved, wiggling his cast covered leg around in his sling. There was, without a doubt, an awkward silence brewing, and there was no cover to be had from this storm. There were five ponies staring, including Maud. Igneous was stern looking, Cloudy looked confused, Marble looked wary, and Limestone had a crazy grin that went from ear to ear.

“HI! You look thirsty. Would you like some water? We have good water here, it has a nice mineral flavour that is kinda pleasant and not bitter because we had the well dug down really, really deep. It does taste a little coppery but it isn’t as bad as one might think. We’re about to eat. Would you like to eat with us? Do you like my sister? Maud, how old is he? Are you both good friends yet? Have you kissed? Are you going to kiss? Do you mind if I watch? Even if you tell me no, I’m probably just going to sneak around and watch anyway, so you might as well just say yes. How did you break your leg? What sort of flower is that? How does a colt get a flower for a cutie mark? What is it like being a unicorn? We had a unicorn stay with us for a while… her name was Trixie. She smelled like cheese. She was kinda rude and she didn’t like wheels. She was too soft to stay here and chores almost killed her and—”

“Limestone, dearie, please, give our guest a chance to settle in before you talk his ear off,” Cloudy said, giving Limestone a gentle prod. “Tarnished Teapot, would you like to come inside and have a bite to eat with us?”

“Yes ma’am,” Tarnish replied, remembering his manners. “I would like that a lot.”

“Oh, mom, dad, Doctor Hedge told me to tell all of you hello…”

Author's Note

The Pie family.

A weed's first bloom

“—and this is the guest room,” Igneous Rock said to Tarnished Teapot in a low voice that sounded as though it was full of gravel. He leaned in a little closer to Tarnish, his face stern. “You ever hear those jokes about farmers’ daughters and the terrible things that farmers do to colts and stallions that mess around with their daughters?”

Gulping, Tarnish nodded.

“All those jokes come from a grain of truth. My daughters are the most valuable, most precious, most important thing I have. Be respectful. So far, I like you. I like that you seem to make Maud happy. I like that you are well mannered. I like that you said please and thank you to my wife. Don’t make me not like you. Am I clear?” Igneous’ eyebrow lifted with a creeping slowness.

“Yes sir, I understand,” Tarnish replied.

“We get up real early round here. Real early. I’ll expect you up early as well, so be well rested. There is a lot of work to do and a broken leg is no excuse. There are other things you are capable of.” Igneous peered at Tarnish. “I hope you like your room. Now come and eat.”

The food was simple fare, but there was a lot of it. There were potatoes, both fried and mashed, fresh coleslaw, hot buttery corn, peas, and carrots. There were also fried oatcakes, which Limestone announced was her most favouritest food ever.

Tarnish had no idea what a fried oatcake was, but had found out that it was leftover oatmeal that had been hardened into a brick, thick sliced, dipped in egg, rolled in flour, and then fried in hot peanut oil. Limestone flipped one onto his plate from across the table, earning her a stern look from her father. Tarnish felt a little nervous but then he saw Limestone flip an oatcake at her father’s plate.

After a moment of consideration, Tarnish reached the conclusion that Igneous was stern but not hard. He saw Igneous give his daughter a half hearted smile and then Limestone, who seemed to be some kind of expert, flipped another oatcake across the table, this time at Maud’s plate.

“Thank you,” Maud replied in monotone to her far more animated sister.

“Limestone can flip a flapjack onto a plate at fifty paces. She’s a hit at the Rock Haven flapjack suppers,” Cloudy Quartz said to Tarnished Teapot in a proud mother’s voice.

“Still not as good as Granny Pie or Nana Pinkie.” With a flick of her spatula, Limestone launched a fried oatcake at her mother’s plate. It landed in the dead center of the plate.

“Never stop trying,” Igneous grumbled to his daughter as he began to scoop mashed potatoes onto his plate. He passed the bowl of mashed potatoes to his wife and then looked over at Tarnish as he picked up the bowl with corn, peas, and carrots. “So, Tarnished Teapot, what do you do for a living? You seem a bit young.”

“I was a courier, but then I did something stupid,” Tarnish replied.

“I’m taking him on as a research assistant.” Maud turned and looked at her father. “Look, daddy, we all know how you feel about unemployed deadbeats, layabouts, and self aggrandising showmares named Trixie Lulamoon. Tarnish isn’t like that. He just needs a bit of time to find his place in the world.”

“At least you have the gumption to admit that you did something stupid, that’s admirable,” Igneous said as he passed the bowl of corn, peas, and carrots to his wife. He eyed Marble as she dug into the bowl of coleslaw and filled up half of her plate with it. “I respect that. Colts and fillies these days have no sense of accountability. They want to blame their parents, their hard sob story lives, they want to blame everypony and everything but themselves. It’s nice to hear you say that you did something stupid.”

“He certainly did.” Maud’s ears were splayed out sideways and she looked at Tarnish. “Do something stupid, that is. But Tarnish hopefully has a few brain cells he can rub together.”

“I liked courier work. I liked the exploration and the feeling of danger. I liked the feeling of accomplishment I had when I came in from a mission and turned in my ticket. I was kinda good at it, I think. I don’t know. Normally, your cutie mark determines your career, but I don’t know what I am supposed to do to be honest.” Tarnish lifted up the spoon in the fried potatoes that had been pushed in front of him and began to scoop some out onto his plate.

Cloudy Quartz leaned over and pushed the bowl of corn, peas, and carrots over to Tarnish. “You’re still young, dearie, try not to worry about it. For now, hard work will carry you through until you can figure out what it is that you want to do.”

“Or, you know, he could use his mind. That’s okay too.” Maud looked at her mother as she cut off a piece of fried oatcake with the side of her fork.

“Maud, darling, you use your mind for your work and you are one of the hardest workers I know,” Cloudy replied.

Maud blinked and then stuck her fork into her mouth. She chewed on her bite of hot fried oatcake with a glacial slowness. After chewing for a while, Maud shrugged, swallowed, and then said, “It doesn’t feel like hard work.”

“I crossed the alkali salt flats in the middle of the day on a delivery run. I don’t know if that is hard work, but it took some determination.” Tarnish loaded up his plate with coleslaw and then pushed the bowl back into the middle of the table.

“That’s hard work, make no mistake,” Igneous said before he took a bite of corn, peas, and carrots. He looked at Tarnished Teapot as he chewed, his eyebrow raised. He swallowed and then pointed his spoon at the colt across the table. “That takes some spine. Spine. Something that Trixie Lulamoon character was lacking.”

Without knowing why, Tarnish felt like a million bits all of sudden. It was a stunning, stupefying feeling and Tarnish didn’t know how to deal with the sudden rush of emotion. He fell silent and began eating in earnest, not knowing what to say or how to respond, or even how to feel about what had been said to him.

Cloudy Quartz glanced at her husband and then at Tarnish with a broad smile upon her muzzle. “Tarnish, I do hope you will make yourself at home. Try to eat as much as you can. You look far too thin. I do hope you will like it here…”

Author's Note

You know, I wish you could put adventure and slice of life on the same story. What are heroes supposed to do when they come home? What about adventurous ponies like Daring Do when they come and give a lecture on the archaeology circuit?

It's stoopid.

Flowers are just very pretty weeds

After a breakfast of plain oatmeal, Tarnished Teapot found himself outside in the hours before dawn, not quite knowing what to do with himself, not knowing what was expected, and just a little fearful about letting everypony down.

In the house, at the table, Marble had said something, a brief explanation that the sooner they got started, the sooner the day's chores were done. Most of the time, everything was done by noon or so, and the rest of the day was free to do whatever.

It was just before four o’clock in the morning, and Tarnish found himself with Igneous Rock, who wanted to fix the broken wagon that Tarnish had seen when he and Maud had pulled up. Fearful, Tarnish hoped that his magic would behave.

Six o’clock in the morning and already his body was begging him to return to bed. Tarnish hobbled around on three legs, moving rocks that had been marked with chalk over to the processing pile. He carried them a few at a time in his telekinesis, which so far hadn’t misbehaved once and seemed rather strong. Tarnish figured it had to do with his practice as of late. Perhaps he was getting some control.

The dirt beneath his hooves was somehow both soft and gritty, almost like a fine ash mixed with grating, grinding sand. With each step he sank into the odd soil an inch or two. It was difficult to walk in the strange earth, it took a great deal more effort than normal ground.

As Tarnish took stones away, Maud added stones to the piles, laying them out along the conflux of the ley lines. In the middle, there was a beehive like structure of piled rocks, and rocks went out in four directions from the central hub, following the four directions of the ley line.

From what little Tarnish had learned about how it used to be, the Pie family had once just piled up rocks in random places hoping for some to change, and some did. The results were random and the payoff was unpredictable. Now, Maud was working science into the Pie Family Farm, and the payoff was now considerable. Many of the rocks that Tarnish carried now had shiny flecks in them, or protruding gems.

“He made it longer than Trixie did on her first day, and on only three legs, too,” Limestone Pie said to her sister Marble. She eyed the colt that had gone to take a seat in the rocking chair and then had fallen asleep. “He made it to ten. That’s not bad at all.”

Marble, who stopped rolling a small boulder, lifted her head high, stretched her neck, and then took a long look at Tarnished Teapot’s sleeping form. The corners of her mouth curled back in a smile of pure, unadulterated evil.

Seeing her sister’s terrible expression, Limestone knew her sister was up to no good. She watched as Marble took off at a quiet trot towards the house. “Marble, you shouldn’t.” She took off after her sister, abandoning her work, leaving her rock halfway to its destination at the processing pile.

Marble Pie gestured at the processing pile as she trotted, a silent reminder that a lot of work had been done today. Tarnished Teapot had made each trip with several rocks at a time, moving a phenomenal amount of rock before collapsing from exhaustion.

“Well, yes Marble, I’m aware that we’ve already done a day’s work, but we can still get more done. There are still rocks to move,” Limestone replied to her silent sister.

“Tarnished Teapot, wake up,” Limestone said. “It’s time for lunch.” Reaching out, she prodded Tarnish and gave him a hard shake. The colt snorted and she saw his eyelids flutter. Limestone could not help herself and began to giggle.

“I fell asleep… oh no, I didn’t mean to do—”

“Relax, you moved a lot of rock today.” Limestone, still giggling, gave Tarnish a smile. “Trixie was only able to carry one rock at a time usually, so you actually got a lot done.”

Yawning, Tarnish stretched and then cleared his dry throat. “My telekinesis felt really strong… I think it’s because I’ve been getting a little practice. And there were no accidents or odd events today… which is weird. I dunno.” Tarnish shrugged.

“Come on inside, have some lunch,” Limestone said. “Don’t worry, nopony is mad because you needed a nap.”

“Oh good…” Tarnish slipped out of the rocking chair to follow Limestone indoors.

Yawning, Tarnished Teapot heard Limestone chortling. Maud was staring at him, but her expression was unreadable. Cloudy Quartz blinked a few times. Tarnish began to suspect that something was wrong. Even Marble was giggling in a soft, quiet way.

Perhaps his magic had done something after all.

Chuckling, Cloudy Quartz turned away and bit down upon the edge of her hoof. Limestone turned to look at her twin sister, Marble, and Maud continued to stare at Tarnished Teapot with an unreadable expression.

“What?” Tarnish asked.

“Tarnish, you are a very pretty colt,” Maud said in a flat monotone. “You might want to go and look at yourself in the mirror. I think that Marble had a go at you. Marble is like that. I hope you’re not angry.”

Excusing himself, Tarnish slipped away from the table, went down the hall, and into the bathroom. His mane, which was cream coloured, had been combed into sections and tied off with different coloured bits of old ribbons. Blue ones, pink ones, red ones, orange ones, yellow ones. He saw something on his eyelid, and when he winked his eye, he saw that an eye had been drawn on his eyelid. He winked his other eye and saw that another open eye had been drawn on with magic marker.

After a moment of dead silence, Tarnished Teapot began to laugh. This was funny and it was just what he deserved for falling asleep when he should have been working. He emerged from the bathroom and went to go sit back down at the table.

There was lot of snickering when Tarnish sat down.

Looking at Marble, he said, “Thank you. Now I can be one of the fillies.” Tarnish saw that Marble’s cheeks darkened for a moment and then she covered her hoof as quiet laughter escaped from her.

“Igneous will not be back until supper,” Cloudy said to those sitting at the table with her. “After lunch, I’m making peanut brittle nuggets and I’ll need help. I have a big order to fill for some high society club in Fillydelphia.” The mare gestured at a big tureen of corn and potato chowder. “Dig in, girls…”

Author's Note

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, beautiful, witty, and gaaaay...

Who photographs weeds, anyways?

Who photographs weeds, anyways?

Sitting by the window in his room, exhausted, and everything in his body aching, Tarnished Teapot picked up the mirror that he had left upon the table by the window. It felt warm to the touch. Looking out the window, Tarnish figured it had to be late afternoon.

“Twilight Sparkle?” he said into the mirror. He waited, hoping there would be a response. “Miss Sparkle?”

“I’m here,” a cheerful voice replied.

Looking into the mirror, Tarnish saw Twilight Sparkle’s image rather than his own reflection. She was smiling, she looked happy, but she was also disheveled. Tarnish wondered what he was interrupting.

“Hello, Twilight Sparkle, how have you been?” Tarnish asked, trying to make conversation. This never seemed to get any easier. It still felt awkward talking to Twilight.

“I was just helping rebuild city hall,” Twilight Sparkle replied in a breathless, but still cheerful voice.

Hearing Twilight’s words, Tarnish cringed and felt a pang of guilt. He looked away from the mirror and stared out the window, his eyes lingering on the bleak, grey dirt and piles of rocks. He thought about apologising, but he didn’t see the point. He had already apologised.

“How have you been, Tarnished Teapot?” Twilight asked.

“I am with the Pie family. They’re very nice. They aren’t what I expected. I don’t know what I expected.” Tarnish thought about what to say next and decided upon something reassuring. “I haven’t had a magical accident here yet. I was even using my telekinesis to haul rocks. I dunno, but I think I might be getting a little bit of control.”

“That’s good to hear.” Twilight’s image in the mirror looked serious. “Keep trying Tarnished Teapot, and don’t give up. Don’t do anything foolish. Let these ponies help you if they can.”

Tarnish nodded, even though Twilight could not see him. He sighed and then stared into the mirror. “Twilight Sparkle, I know this is asking a lot, but could you do me a favour?”

“Sure, Tarnish, what can I do for you?”

Tarnish cleared his throat. “I’d like a book about poison joke, if you have one. I’d like to study it, see what has been written about it. Maud said some interesting things. She’s been in contact with poison joke and apparently it has no effect upon her.”

“Somehow, I am not surprised by that.” Twilight’s face became one of befuddled interest. “Tarnish, I’ll send you a few books if I can find them.”

“Thank you, Twilight.” Tarnish peered into his mirror, trying to see details around Twilight. He saw glimpses of Ponyville and felt more than a little homesick. “I really don’t know what else to talk about, so I am going to let you go… I just wanted to say hello, I guess… I don’t know…”

“It was good hearing from you. Keep saying hello,” Twilight replied. She smiled.

Stepping out of his room, Tarnish saw that Maud’s door was open and she was standing in the doorway, watching, almost as if she was waiting for him to come out of his room. Her expression, blank as it was, revealed nothing.

“Come here,” Maud said, stepping backwards into her room.

“No, I think I’d better not,” Tarnish replied.

“Are you worried about my father?” Maud asked.

Tarnish gave one very enthusiastic nod.

“Tarnish, there comes a time in a colt’s life when he has to choose between making a mare happy and her father angry. You are now experiencing that time.”

“Maud, if you don’t mind me asking, but how old are you?” Tarnish looked at the enigmatic earth pony standing just inside of her doorway as he tried to change the subject. “I know you graduated from school when you were eighteen because I was paying attention.”

“Aren’t you clever.”

For one moment, Tarnish though he saw something that might almost be something of a smile. He wasn’t certain. Something had happened upon Maud’s face, but he wasn’t sure what. His eyes narrowed as he began to peer at Maud, trying to study her.

Maud blinked. “I’m twenty. I have been out of school for two years, and as you can see, even with my double rocktorate, I am a failure. I still live at home with my parents.”

Ears perking forwards, Tarnish lifted his head, looked left down the hall, then looked right down the hall in the other direction, and then gulping, he looked at Maud. He took one hesitant step, then another, and then, after looking both left and right once more, he stepped into Maud’s room, not knowing what to expect or what was about to happen.

Tarnished Teapot froze just after crossing through the doorway, his eyes wide. The walls were covered in what had to be hundreds of photographs. He began to look around at the various photos, looking for splashes of colour. After a moment of intense searching, he found a photograph of a large rock with an odd shape, and a familiar pink pony had popped her head into the photo, waving, and smiling at Maud. He spotted another photo, this time, it was Pinkie Pie standing on top of a rock.

“I turned part of my bedroom into a darkroom for my photography,” Maud said, pointing at a door. One corner of her room had been walled off, forming something of a closet.

Looking around, Tarnish found photos of Limestone and Marble. Many photos. They were harder to spot than Pinkie, who was very, very pink. He found photos of Igneous Rock and Cloudy Quartz. He saw photos of geodes. Seeing something blue in the corner of his vision, he turned his head and saw a photo filled with poison joke.

He stared at the photo, trying to figure out what it was doing on Maud’s wall.

“I thought it was pretty,” Maud said, noticing that Tarnish was staring. “See, you can see rocks in between the flowers. Those are glaucophane rocks. They’re blueschist metamorphic rocks. The blue colour indicates they changed at high pressure but low temperature.”

“They’re beautiful,” Tarnish said in a low voice, feeling guilty for being in Maud’s room.

“All of these photos are things that are important or things I am interested in.” Maud gestured at a photo as she spoke, trying to draw Tarnish’s attention to it.

Turning his head, Tarnish saw a picture of himself. He was standing in front of an odd octogonal basalt column. He remembered the photo being taken. Maud had explained to him how glaciers had shaped the rocks. When he turned around to look at Maud, he discovered that she was right next to him and he almost bumped his snoot against hers. She was so close that when she blinked, Tarnish could hear Maud’s long eyelashes rustle against one another. It was very, very difficult to breathe and Tarnish could not figure out why.

“It was very nice of you to let my sisters play a prank on you without getting angry,” Maud said in a low voice to Tarnish. “That tells me a lot about you. I could never like a pony that didn’t like my sisters or treated them badly. You’ve been respectful of my mother and right now you look terrified about being in my room, which means you respect my father.” Maud blinked and poked Tarnish with her hoof. “I think it is safe that I hang a photo of you upon my wall, along with the other things I am interested in.”

“I don’t know what to say, Maud.”

“No need to say anything, but if you would like, I could tell you about some of these rocks I photographed.”

“I’d like that, Maud, I would…”

Author's Note

Subtle.

Wet crack

Looking up from his task, Tarnished Teapot saw the first golden rays of dawn upon the horizon. He had been awake for a while now, he was cold, he was sweating, he was already miserable, and the sunrise was beautiful. He inhaled, his breath caught in windpipe, stricken by the beauty of the rising sun coming up over the distant hills.

There was a loud crack and Tarnish turned his head just in time to see a small boulder shattering. Marble had bucked it, giving the boulder a sharp blow, and now the large boulder was a much more manageable pile of smaller boulders, each chunk of stone about the same size as a pony’s head. The strength of the Pie sisters was terrifying to witness.

The quarry, the place where the Pie family got rocks to place in their fields, was a series of massive rocks jutting up out of the earth, forming small hills made of solid stone. Boulders were broken off, smashed into smaller chunks, and then the chunks were moved to the flat plain where the ley lines intersected, where with time and patience, the rocks would change, and would go through thaumaturgical metamorphosis, becoming something else.

“Tarnish, Maud needs your help, drop what you’re doing and go help her,” Limestone said as she trotted up to Tarnish. “I’ll roll these over for you.”

Nodding, Tarnish dropped the rocks in his levitation and then hobbled off on three legs to where Maud was. His movements were slow and jerky, he was still in pain from the day before. Maud stood next to a boulder larger than she was, and was walking around it, squinting at it, and Tarnish became curious as to what she had found.

“Marble, Limestone, I’m going to need your help,” Maud said in a loud, clear voice that carried over the stillness of the dawn. “Go fetch me lots of water, I have an idea. We’re going to need a funnel too.” Maud pressed her ear to the enormous boulder and then rapped on it with her hoof. She then looked at Tarnish and blinked a few times. “This rock is hollow.”

“Geode?” Tarnish asked.

Maud shrugged. “Might be. Could be. It has cracks along the top and the side here. When I moved this, I noticed it was too light for its size. It’s hollow. It is empty inside, like a traveling salespony facing the existential crisis that is his life.”

“What?” Tarnish cocked his head off to one side, looking very confused by what Maud had said. “What’s an existential crisis?”

“You tell me, you’re in the middle of one, Tarnished Teapot,” Maud replied.

“What?” Tarnish sat down in the dirt and gave a quizzical stare to the impossible to understand earth pony. “I don’t understand anything that is going on.”

“Further evidence of your existential crisis.” Maud shook her head, her movement slow, and then waited for Marble and Limestone to return. “You know, it is funny, you’re still alive this morning. Daddy didn’t kill you.”

“Well, he doesn’t know,” Tarnish said, feeling an uncomfortable sensation deep within his bowels just thinking about this subject.

“Yes he does.” Maud blinked. “I told him. I don’t keep secrets from him. Last night, before bed, I told him and my mother that I had a colt in my room. I also mentioned that you were well behaved and that I had to lure you in.”

Closing his eyes, Tarnished Teapot let out a whimper and shook his head.

“They gave me a stern talking to.”

“Really?” Tarnish’s eyes opened and he looked at Maud.

“No,” Maud replied, her voice a perfect, flat monotone. “But the look on your face was priceless. My parents trust me and they know that I can look after myself.”

The Pie sisters, could in fact, look after themselves. Tarnish had just watched them smash boulders He realised that Maud had just played something of a joke on him. His eyes narrowed as he looked at her. Was she smiling? It was impossible to tell.

“Maud, might I ask you a personal question?”

“Go right ahead.”

“How would I know if you were happy?.”

Maud’s eyes narrowed somewhat. “You will have to figure that out for yourself.”

“Bother…”

Lifting a bucket in his telekinesis, Tarnish tried to hold it steady while he poured water into the large metal funnel stuck into the crack on the top of the rock. He poured in yet another bucket of water, filling up the hollow rock with water. He didn’t know why he was filling up a rock with water, but it is what Maud wanted.

He set the bucket down and picked up the second bucket. There had been many buckets brought so far, Limestone and Marble should be returning with more water at any moment. He began to pour the second bucket into the funnel and then that’s when it happened. Water began to trickle out of the second crack. Tarnish set down the bucket, took a deep breath, and then, Tarnished Teapot sat down, feeling a little shaky as well as exhausted.

“Tarnish, freeze the water, but do it slowly. When frozen, water in the form of ice takes up more room than it does as a liquid. Plug the cracks first if you can. And then very slowly, freeze everything. If this works, the rock should split along the existing cracks and fall into two halves,” Maud said.

Letting out a gasping wheeze, Tarnish wondered if he had it in him. Temperature changing wasn’t the toughest magic, but he was already exhausted. He sucked in a lungful of air, held it for a moment, considered what he needed to do, and then nodded.

“Be careful. Be very, very slow. We want to crack it open without doing too much damage to whatever is inside,” Maud said as she gave Tarnish an encouraging nudge with her hoof.

Touching the boulder with his horn, Tarnish closed his eyes, focused his concentration, and then thought about cold thoughts. Snow in the winter. Frozen drinks made with chipped ice. Ice skating. Snow. The leftovers that could be found in the very back of the refrigerator when he still lived at home with his mother. The shower, after the hot water went away. Getting his tongue stuck to a metal flagpole in the middle of winter when he was a tiny colt. The feeling of sitting down upon the ice and discovering that his testicles could be harmed.

There was a loud creaking sound, followed by another creaking sound, then a loud crackling sound as a long crack appeared in the side of the boulder. It grew longer, there was another series of crackling sounds, and the crack gained length. With a cry, Tarnish opened his eyes and stepped away as the sounds the boulder made became intimidating.

And then, without warning, the boulder busted open, split in two. One side was much larger than the other, and it fell upon the spot where Tarnish had just been standing, sending dust flying as several hundred pounds of stone impacted the earth.

Maud poked at the larger half with her hoof, squinting to see the pale morning light, and there was a gasp from Marble. Limestone came forward and also began to touch the larger half of the split open stone.

“This is a geode,” Limestone said as she looked at her sister Maud. “And it is filled with opals. We have hundreds of pounds of opals.”

“Tarnish, pay attention, this is what I look like when I’m happy,” Maud said.

Whipping his head around, tearing his eyes away from the glittering opals, Tarnish looked at Maud but could not see anything different. He studied her face, taking in every detail, watching her blink, watching as she breathed, but he could see nothing.

“This is a find of a lifetime,” Marble said in a hard to hear voice.

“Yes, and we didn’t do much damage to the opals when we opened it. Banging this open would have shattered the opals on the inside, ruining their value. Maud, we need to haul this back to the house, Marble and I will go get ropes.”

Maud, watching as her sisters dashed off, said to Tarnish, “You know, some of this is yours. It is only fair…”

Author's Note

You clicked upon a chapter called 'wet crack.' What were you expecting exactly?

Who knew a rock could be so comforting

Tarnished Teapot watched as Igneous Rock walked around the two halves of the massive geode, his lips moving, his eyes narrowing and then going wide, alternating back and forth. The older stallion seemed stunned. The entire family seemed stunned.

“Fire opals,” Marble said in a somewhat raspy voice.

“This is quite a find.” Igneous stopped circling the geode halves and looked at Tarnished Teapot, his sideburns quivered as the older stallion struggled to contain his excitement. “You are going to be quite a wealthy young colt—”

“Oh no! I don’t want anything… nothing at all! I learned my lesson the last time I had bits!” Tarnished Teapot said, backing away from the geode and Igneous. “No, no, no!”

“Tarnish, dear, this could help you secure a good future,” Cloudy Quartz said, stepping closer to the retreating colt.

“Nope! Last time I had more bits than I knew what to do with, I was hung from a tree!” Tarnish kept retreating and almost stumbled. “I am young and I am stupid and I cannot be trusted with money, so no… just no.”

“Tarnish, dear, you are being unreasonable—”

“Cloudy Pie, leave him be.” Igneous looked at his wife, his expression stern. “We’ll talk later, but for now, we’ll respect his decision.” He turned his head and watched as Tarnished Teapot kept retreating, backing away, stumbling through the dusty dirt.

“Tarnish, you mean to tell me that you don’t want bits?” Limestone asked, one eye narrowing, the other going wide, and a lopsided quizzical expression appearing upon her face. “How will you take care of yourself?”

“There are things that are more important than bits,” Tarnish said as he stumbled and then sat down in the dirt with a grunt. “Things like living and not doing stupid stuff.”

“You’re being very silly.” Limestone looked at the colt sitting in the dirt and then looked at her sister, Maud. “Maud, he’s being very silly… tell him that, he’ll listen to you.”

“Limestone, leave the poor colt alone,” Igneous said to his daughter.

“Tarnish is right. There is more to life than bits. We have plenty of bits but we continue to live a simple, but comfortable life. Perhaps Tarnish has learned something.” Maud looked at Limestone, then at Tarnish, and then at her mother and father. After staring at her parents, she turned to look at Tarnish once more. “Tarnish, what do you want?”

“I… I… I want… I want to go look at nice caves that hardly any other pony has ever seen, like that big underground geode. I want to visit one of those places you mentioned where water flows uphill. What I don’t want is more trouble!” Tarnish replied.

Sitting in the rocking chair, Tarnish was enjoying the midmorning sun shining upon him. It was warm, without being hot, there was a pleasant, balmy breeze, and there was no more work. Maud was busy with her father, measuring and weighing the split geode, while Limestone and Marble had headed off to Rock Haven together, in the mood to celebrate.

While there were plenty of things to look at, Tarnish spent most of his time watching Maud as she worked with her father, watching her face, trying to see if he could spot some elusive expression, some body language that would clue him in on what she was feeling, thinking, something that would reveal her mysterious and wonderful inner workings. The enigmatic earth pony mare had feelings, that much was obvious. And she had to express them somehow.

As he sat there staring, his mind drifted off to other places. These ponies talked to one another. Actual conversations. Kind words. They were nice to one another. Cloudy Quartz was a good mother to her children. Tarnish thought about his own mother, Pinny Lane. She wasn’t a bad mother, Tarnish supposed, but she wasn’t a very good mother either. She and Tarnish didn’t have much in the way of conversations, they said things to each other, things like, “Before you go away to Manehatten on that bowling tournament the house needs groceries” and “While I am away in Fillydelphia please make sure to do the laundry and keep the house clean.” He and his mother had been making these simple exchanges for a long time, such a long time now that saying anything else had become awkward. Tarnish realised that he didn’t have the words to describe the relationship he and his mother had.

It was almost as if he and his mother were roommates, rather than being mother and son.

The conclusion was depressing. After an ecstatic morning of finding a massive several hundred pound geode filled with super expensive fire opals, the sudden revelation was a real downer. Heaving a sigh, Tarnish failed to notice that Cloudy Quartz had crept up beside him.

“You look upset.”

The rocking chair almost tipped over as Tarnish lept up into the air, and he was saved by Cloudy placing her hoof down upon the runner to level him out. With his ears limp against the sides of his face, Tarnish turned to look at the short matronly mare.

After several long seconds of silence, Tarnish managed to say, “I noticed your husband called you Cloudy Pie.”

The mare nodded and then turned to look at her husband. “When I was a filly, I was just little Cloudy Pie. But then I got my cutie mark… three pieces of quartz. I had just met the nicest colt. He was a little odd… he liked rocks. He gave me a piece of quartz and told me that it was almost as pretty as I was.”

Igneous seemed unaware that his wife and Tarnished Teapot were staring at him. Tarnish took a deep breath and cleared his throat. His mouth opened several times, and he would almost say something, but then nothing would come out and then his mouth would close. At last, he gave up, and his mouth remained closed.

“Igneous and Maud have more in common than either would care to admit. Igneous doesn’t have Maud’s burning curiousity, but they are both alike in many other ways. For the longest time, I had trouble figuring out if Igneous liked me. I didn’t know for sure until he gave me the quartz. He was kinda quiet, he was a bit mysterious, and he spent a lot of time looking at rocks. We spent a lot of time looking at rocks together, and I learned how to read his moods by studying his face as he looked at rocks… of course, as he grew older, he became more expressive, knowing that his foals needed to see that he felt something.” Cloudy Quartz gave Tarnish a soft nudge with her hoof. “Maud has her moods. Pinkie Pie knows them better than all of us, but Pinkie Pie is a bit special in that regard.”

“You have four amazing daughters… I wonder what it feels like, being a mother that is proud of her foals…”

Author's Note

The Pie Family Farm is getting some visitors...

Rhodonite

Rhodonite

Quite without warning, Cloudy Quartz jammed an enormous bite of fudge into Tarnished Teapot’s mouth. Right away he discovered that it was too hard to chew, it was rock hard fudge, but it did start to melt right away. As it melted, it became the most delicious thing Tarnished Teapot had ever eaten, and for a moment, he was even more blissful than he was during his short exploration into mind altering drugs.

It was sweet, it was bitter, it was creamy, it had pieces of nuts in it. Tarnish slumped down in his chair, the fudge melting in his mouth, and he rolled his tongue along the bottom of the confection, trying to loosen just a little more creamy, fudgy goodness from the treat. As his tongue scraped along the bottom, he tasted little bits of caramel and rock salt embedded in the fudge. The caramel did not melt, but remained chewy, and he squished little pieces of it between his tongue and teeth.

All of his previous distressing thoughts were now gone, forgotten, replaced by fudge. Sitting in a chair at the kitchen table, Tarnish closed his eyes and savoured the fudge melting in his mouth. There were hints of bitterness that made the sweetness all the better. It was sweet, but not too sweet. One ear went limp, fell down, and then the other did the same.

“HIYA, TARNISHED TEAPOT!”

Almost swallowing his block of fudge, Tarnish came close to choking. He coughed and spluttered and then somepony whacked him on the back. He sucked in some air and maneuvered the fudge in his mouth into his cheek. What was Pinkie Pie doing here?

“I’ve been worried about you!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she threw herself at Tarnish and wrapped her forelegs around him, almost knocking him from the chair. “How have ya been?”

Limestone Pie began to giggle and poked her twin sister in the ribs. The pair watched as Tarnished Teapot squirmed in Pinkie’s embrace, and Pinkie was just not letting go.

“Maud’s outside… I just talked with her. She seems really happy… do you like her? Huh? Are you sweet on my sister?” Pinkie Pie asked, now nose to nose, snoot to snoot with Tarnished Teapot.

“Pinkie, give the poor colt some breathing room,” Cloudy said. “Come over here and give me a hug.”

“Okay!” Pinkie Pie let go of Tarnish, almost causing him to tip over, which she corrected by grabbing Tarnish once more and straightening his chair out. Once Tarnish was steady, she pronked across the kitchen to her mother, whom she embraced as she giggle-snorted.

“How did you get here?” Tarnish asked around his mouthful of fudge.

“I took a train, silly!” Pinkie Pie replied as she squeezed her mother. “Mama, I’ve missed you so much… I’ve been so busy… stupid world just won’t save itself!” Pinkie Pie picked up her mother, stood up on two legs, and began to dance around the kitchen.

Limestone joined her sister, bouncing around on her hind legs, causing everything in the kitchen to shake. Meanwhile, Marble just stood there, almost as impassive as Maud, watching as her twin and her sister danced with her mother. After staring for a few moments, she turned to look at Tarnish and made a gesture at the dancing ponies, a gesture intended to say, get a load of these ponies.

“Oh… fudge!” Pinkie Pie tossed her mother up into the air and darted for the counter.

Lunging forwards, Limestone caught her mother, and both of them shared a nervous laugh as Limestone lowered her mother to the floor. Pinkie Pie was Pinkie Pie, and the family had come to accept that long ago.

Oooooooh fudge!” Pinkie Pie cried as she stuffed a big piece of rock hard fudge into her mouth and began chewing, oblivious to the fact that it was rock hard. “Mmm, mmm mmm mmmph!”

Tarnish’s fudge was still melting, getting smaller, and still tucked into his cheek. He recovered from Pinkie Pie’s surprise appearance, relaxing once more, and he got comfortable in his chair at the table.

“Mmmmama,” Pinkie said, blurring “mmm” and “mama” into one word. “You figured out how to keep the caramel from melting when you add it to the fudge… mmm.”

“Yes I did,” Cloudy replied as she leaned against Limestone and smiled.

The side door of the house opened and Maud Pie stepped into the kitchen. She glanced around, taking everything in, watching as Pinkie Pie gobbled fudge, as Marble recovered from the excitement, as Tarnish sat in his chair, and Limestone who stood with Cloudy Quartz.

“She didn’t come.” Maud’s words came out as an impassive monotone, but her ears were perked forwards. “I sent her a telegram and a very polite request. But she didn’t come.”

“Who didn’t come, dear?” Cloudy asked.

“Tarnished Teapot’s mother, Pinny Lane,” Pinkie Pie replied around a mouthful of fudge. “I tried to talk her into coming, but she said that Tarnish is a big pony now and he can take care of himself. Also, she had a bowling gig in Baltimare she said she couldn’t miss.”

“You invited my mother?” Tarnish asked, his fudge now soft enough for him to chew on a bit and his words slurring as talked around his mouthful of food.

“Maud, you look upset!” Pinkie Pie waltzed away from the counter where the fudge was and went to comfort her sister. Pinkie Pie’s lips were stained with fudge and a bit of rock salt was stuck to her nose.

Eyes narrowing, Tarnish peered at Maud, trying to see what Pinkie was seeing. Maud looked the same as she always did. There was nothing different about her at all, yet Pinkie Pie had said that Maud looked upset. Tarnish blinked, still unable to detect any noticeable change.

“Don’t be upset Maud, it’ll be okay,” Pinkie Pie said as she rubbed her cheek against her sister’s face. “Just calm down, don’t be angry, you know what happens if you get angry.”

This would almost be comedic, or so Tarnish thought, if Pinkie Pie wasn’t being so serious about this. Maud, who showed no outward signs of anything, being comforted by her sister, Pinkie Pie, who had no means keeping any emotion to herself.

“Maud sent a telegram to your mother and she sent one to me,” Pinkie Pie said, beginning her explanation to Tarnish. She gave her sister another comforting hug as Limestone and Marble watched. “I was supposed to try and get your mother to come and visit us and then come home by train. But Pinny didn’t feel like coming. She said she might mail something to you later though, if you keep this address.”

Unsure of what he felt, Tarnish sat there for a moment, feeling rather put out, and then he shrugged as a feeling of indifference settled over him. “That’s just the way she is. I guess there is no point in getting upset about it.”

“But you should be upset about it,” Marble said, her ears folding back against her head as she spoke. It was clear to any observer that she was uncomfortable with talking and expressing her opinion. “She’s your mother. You have a broken leg. My mother would have come, Tartarus or high water—”

“Marble, you watch your mouth!” Cloudy said, interrupting her daughter.

“Heck or high water…” Marble gave her mother an apologetic glance and then fell silent, stewing, her expression dark and angry.

“Look, my mother isn’t a bad sort… she’s just… wrapped up… just wrapped up in her own life, that’s all. We’re both very different ponies.” Tarnish leaned forward and rested his cast upon the table.

“I’m going for a walk,” Maud announced as she pulled away from her sister, Pinkie Pie, and turned towards the door.

“I’m coming with you,” Tarnish said, almost falling out of his chair and then wobbling, trying to remain upright on three legs.

“I think I’ll come along too!” Pinkie Pie bounced in place a few times, grinning, looking very happy.

“Pinkie, dear, why don’t you stay here with me and help me bake?” Cloudy asked.

“Hmm?” Pinkie looked at her mother, then at Maud, then at her mother, then back at Maud, then at Tarnish, then at Maud, and then back at her mother. “Ooooh… I get it. I should stay here and help you bake… okey dokey lokey.” Pinkie Pie waved as her sister walked out the door, and Tarnished Teapot followed. She turned and looked at her mother. “I’ve never seen Maud get so emotional about anything. I think she likes Tarnished Teapot… maybe… just a little bit… mama, there’s a pony I like too, I guess all of your little girls are growing up...”

Author's Note

If you know what rhodonite is you would know that it is a very appropriate rock for Pinkie Pie. Google it! So pretty.

Something blossoms amongst the weeds

For once, Maud seemed to be in a hurry, and it was difficult for Tarnished Teapot to keep up with her on three legs. She headed east, through the barren fields of the farm, towards the hills in the distance, each fall of her hoof into the dirt kicking up a cloud of fine grey dust.

As the pair approached the hills, Maud slowed down and Tarnished Teapot could feel a bit of a sugar buzz jittering through his body from the fudge. The grey-brown dirt gave way to gravel that crunched underhoof.

Looking up, Tarnish noticed a faint trail along the gentle slope of the hill, meandering up along the side, forming a switchback, and continuing up the slope. Strange twisted trees were further back along the rolling hills, a peculiar and somewhat warped forest.

“Where are we going?” Tarnished asked, daring to break the oppressive silence that had formed between him and his stony companion. He drew in a deep breath and willed himself to keep going. It was harder going up the slope on three legs than he thought it would be.

“Upstream,” Maud replied.

“Upstream?” Tarnished Teapot blinked, confused, not understanding what Maud meant. There was no river, no creek, no water of any sort. Only dry dirt, gravel, and dusty earth. Everything looked rather dry and the strange twisted trees up ahead looked a little… shriveled. Yes, shriveled was a good word to describe the trees up ahead. They almost looked skeletal. Stunted.

Sort of creepy, now that Tarnish got a better look at them. Almost as if they weren’t trees, but the ghosts of trees. No wonder Pinkie Pie had that song about giggling at the ghosties.

“The Haunted Wood.” Maud looked back as she continued forwards. “Don’t worry, it isn’t haunted. Ponies just believe it is.”

Upstream to the Haunted Wood, Tarnish thought to himself. That wasn’t worrisome at all. Nope. Everything would be fine, everything was good, there was nothing at all to worry about.

“The Haunted Wood can be a little creepy, I suppose. It never bothered me. Pinkie Pie learned to deal with it by laughing at it. I think it changes the magic somehow, but I can’t say for sure. More study is needed.”

Tarnish’s ears perked forwards. “Laugh at it?”

“Giggle at the ghostly,” Maud replied. “Guffaw at the grossly… crack up at the creepy… whoop it up with the weepy… chortle at the kooky… snortle at the spooky… Pinkie Pie figured out by accident that the magic here is raw and malleable because she followed Granny Pie’s advice. At least, I believe it to be.”

“I see.” Tarnish began to look around as he felt the hairs on his back rising. It was creepy here. Tarnish felt threatened enough that the conversation back in the kitchen had vacated his mind. He hobbled faster and got a little closer to Maud. “You said something about going upstream?”

“Thaumaturgic energy flows like a river. It travels clockwise along most ley lines, going westwards, following the sun. The rock farm is just west of us. Ahead of us is another ley line intersection, but this one is off. Most of the longitudinal lines run north to south, but the one up ahead runs south to north. It is a minor line, but it produces weird energy. I think it has an effect upon the latitudinal line that runs through the rock farm.”

Following Maud, Tarnish fell silent, trying to let everything that Maud said sink in. The withered, twisted bark on the trunks of the trees looked like faces, but Tarnish was too engaged in thought to notice.

The pair walked through the twisted trees, the silence between them returning.

There was an almost impossible to spot trail leading off of the main path. Maud turned and made her way into the underbrush with a slow and steady gait. Behind her, Tarnished Teapot followed. A two headed robin trilled in the branches of a stunted, withered tree, singing its song in high fidelity stereo.

The air smelled like a thunderstorm and Tarnish could feel a weird buzzy tingle inside of his ears, almost as if his head was full of bees. He could feel a pressure in his horn, a strange pleasant pressure.

“It doesn’t seem to be bothering you. I tried bringing Pinkie Pie here once, back when I first tried to find this place. Things got weird. We went home and she was fine. You don’t seem affected at all,” Maud said in a flat, bored sounding monotone.

“Oh, I feel something, but it feels kinda good,” Tarnish replied as he followed after Maud, who had slowed down a bit more as they followed the narrow trail.

“I was right about you.” Maud cast a quick glance behind her at Tarnish. “I had a hunch and it seems I was right.”

“Is it my magic protecting me?” Tarnish asked.

“Maybe.” Maud paused and pointed at a leaf that had fallen off of a tree. It was falling up towards the sky. “Almost there…”

The air was filled with a pleasing perfumed scent. Tarnish sniffed, taking the intoxicating scent into his nostrils, and pushed forwards. The trees were thick on either side of the narrow trail, but ahead there seemed to be a clearing in the woods. Maud had stopped at the clearing and was gesturing him forwards.

What Tarnished Teapot saw took his breath away. The trees gave way to an open clearing, surrounded by trees on all sides. The clearing was filled with stones that pushed their way up out of the earth, jagged black looking obelisks, a type of stone that Tarnish did not recognise.

All over the clearing floor was a carpet of blue. The ground was covered with poison joke, which was in bloom. Tarnish came to the slow conclusion what the scent in the air was. He stared at Maud and watched as she wandered into the patch of poison joke. She walked to one of the stones and rubbed her cheek against it.

“These are augites. They vibrate. They go deep into the ground and the magic has done something to them, but I don’t know what. The ley lines intersect here. Due west is the rock farm. Sometimes, at night, these stones glow with a purple-blue fire.”

Tarnished Teapot stumbled forwards into the poison joke, feeling most peculiar. He could feel his cutie marks resonating, an odd feeling that he could not describe. He leaned up against one of the standing stones and the vibration overtook him. He closed his eyes remained pressed up against the warm pulsating stone. The heat coming off was pleasant and the weird vibration did nothing to hurt his broken leg, but provided pain relief.

“I discovered this place because of my education. I had come home from school on a break. I had learned about ley lines and had looked at the thaumaturgical geological survey maps. As I had suspected, our farm was on an intersection of ley lines. But then I noticed that there was another intersection. So I went out searching for it. After Pinkie Pie got sick and had to be taken home. I did more researching after I went back to school, when the break was over. Turns out, this intersection is a class three thaumaturgical hazard. Causes major discomfort in ponies, headaches, nausea, pain, disorientation, nosebleeds, and even psychotic behaviour. I come here to calm down. Something about this place makes me feel better. The vibration of the rocks is comforting.”

Opening his eyes, Tarnish looked at Maud and thought about everything she had said. He didn’t feel sick at all. In fact, he could not recall when he had felt this good. He felt wonderful. He watched as Maud lifted her head and looked at him. Something about her was beautiful, perhaps it was the mystery of not knowing, but he gazed into her half open eyes and got lost.

A gentle breeze caused the poison joke flowers around them to rustle.

“If you can handle this place, it probably means you can deal with even worse places. Some of the places I plan to go to are even worse. Would you like to come with me, Tarnished Teapot?”

“Yes… yes, I think I would follow you anywhere,” Tarnish replied.

“Tarnish, I am sorry your mother treated you poorly. I can’t imagine what it must have been like. It’s bothering me, it is really bothering me, which is why I had to go for a walk and come here. I must say, I am glad you came here with me.” Maud blinked and her ears swiveled forwards.

“We were never all that close. She was a single mom… she had stuff to do, we needed money to pay the bills. She wasn’t a bad mother and she tried to be good to me. She tried to make it up to me when she was home. But when I was about twelve or so, after I had my cutie mark… she just… sort of gave up I guess.” Tarnish laid down on the ground and got comfortable. He pressed his nose into a poison joke flower and enjoyed the sweet, alluring scent. Something about it was calming.

“Tarnish, has it occurred to you that your magic might have affected your mother?” Maud asked.

Lifting his head, Tarnish thought about what Twilight had said, about how his magic might have been affecting her. He thought about what he had just said, about when his relationship with his mother had gone sour. He closed his eyes and shook his head, not wanting to believe such a thing might be true.

“I have some theories, Tarnish,” Maud said as she moved away from her rock, walked to Tarnish’s side, and then laid down in the poison joke beside him. “You’ve been here on the farm using your magic, and not one single accident. Your magic has performed flawlessly. At Rambling Rock Ridge, where there is also a ley line intersection, your magic never once caused you a problem. I was paying attention. But away from the intersections, your magic becomes problematic.” Reaching out her hoof, Maud gave Tarnish a gentle nudge. “I’ve noticed something else too.”

His eyes still closed, Tarnish replied, “What else have you noticed?”

“My family likes you.” Maud scooted a little closer to Tarnish. “This is more important than you realise. I suspect that when you get close to the intersections, your magic levels out and you become normal. But away from the intersections and you bring the chaotic effects of the intersection with you. A unicorn can’t cast magic in these places, it causes them no end of problems. Trixie had some real troubles using her magic on our farm and kept complaining about having to do stuff the earth pony way all of the time. There were times when her magic failed completely and she had to do everything the hard way. Your magic seems to have improved. I’ve been watching. I watched Trixie too. Tell me, have you ever lifted anything so big and heavy in your telekinesis before?”

Tarnish thought about everything Maud had said and then thought about his telekinesis, which had always been weak. He had never been able to haul a bunch of rocks in his telekinesis.

“One of the dangers of a class two or higher thaumaturgical hazard is extreme magical instability. Our farm is listed as a type one, I found that out when I visited the Canterlot Geological Archives. In fact, there are many earth pony settlements located in places with unstable ley lines. The earth pony way allows us to survive there.”

Opening his eyes, Tarnish looked at Maud. “I’m having some trouble understanding all of this. This is a lot to take in.”

“Let me put it to you this way. You are uniquely suited to help me with my life’s work, or you appear to be. That, and I think I like you. I can see your potential. I don’t like admitting it, but life on the road gets lonesome. I go to places where other ponies cannot go, even earth ponies, never mind the problems unicorns have with extreme magical instabilities. Right now, you and I are laying in poison joke together, on top of a hazardous intersection, with no ill effects at all to either one of us. If I was a superstitious sort, I’d say this was a sign.”

“Is… is there a way we can test this?” Tarnish asked.

“Of course,” Maud replied. “We study your magic at an intersection and then away from an intersection. Should be easy to do while we travel the roads.”

“I’d like that… I’d like that a lot… Maud, I must confess, I like you a lot. In the short time I have known you, I’ve come to like you quite a bit.” Tarnish turned his head and looked Maud in the eye, waiting for some kind of reply, hoping that Maud liked him as much as he liked her.

“You like my poetry and you hang upon every word I say…”

Author's Note

I bet there are a few Sweetie Belle types just shouting "Oh come on!"

Dinner is served with pie

“Did the two of you have a nice walk?” Igneous asked as he pushed away his supper plate and looked over at Tarnished Teapot. “I only ask because usually, when two ponies courting one another come back from a long walk, they act happy. You’ve said nothing during dinner.”

“I have a lot on my mind,” Tarnish replied, being honest. He lifted up a single surviving kernel of corn on his plate with his telekinesis and then popped it into his mouth, leaving nothing behind. “Maud and I had a long talk, that’s all.”

“I wasn’t accusing you of anything.” Igneous’ face softened.

“Tarnish, you look kinda sad, what’s wrong?” Pinkie Pie asked as she approached the table with a pie balanced upon her snoot. With a well practiced gesture, she flicked her head, causing the pie to slide off of her nasal bridge and onto the table with a gentle landing that did nothing to disturb the pie.

“Maud helped me realise a few things about my magic, that’s all… and myself I guess. I just don’t know what to think… about… everything.” Tarnish eyed the pie, smelling both cinnamon and apples. He sniffed and discovered he was still a little hungry, even though dinner had been quite large.

“Tarnish, it’s hard finding your own way in life… let me tell you,” Pinkie Pie said in a soft voice that seemed out of place for her. She sat down beside Tarnish, placed a foreleg around his withers, and leaned over. “Not long after I got my cutie mark, I left home. I left this wonderful place behind.” Pinkie Pie gestured with her other hoof at the farmhouse all around her. “I left behind these ponies that I loved because I knew there was stuff I had to do. I went to Ponyville and I found a nice family that was willing to teach me how to bake and let me work as an apprentice. For you, life pulled you away from Ponyville and brought you here, to the Pie Family Rock Farm. Try not to worry too much about it, and just let life happen.”

“Thank you, Pinkie.” Tarnish discovered that he felt a little better. He gave a sideways glance to the pink pony beside him.

Pinkie Pie dropped her voice into a whisper. “You make Maud really happy… she’s beside herself right now… just look at her.”

Glancing over, Tarnished Teapot tried to see what Pinkie Pie was seeing. He wanted to see it. Maud looked like Maud. She was drinking a glass of water. Tarnish could see nothing and it began to bother him that Pinkie Pie could see what he could not.

Serving the pie, Cloudy Quartz began to place slices upon small dessert plates and then passing them around the table, giving her daughter Pinkie a sweet smile that was full of maternal pride.

“Oh… pie!” Pinkie Pie said, looking surprised when the plate of pie was placed in front of her. “I love pie.”

“I love pie too… I can’t wait to eat me some hot gooey pie,” Tarnish said.

Across the table, Limestone began to giggle and she covered her mouth with her hoof, tittering as she stared at Tarnish. Igneous coughed. Marble had a secretive smile that spread over her muzzle.

Stammering, Tarnish realised what had come out of his mouth. “Oh… oh… uh—”

“Tarnished Teapot, there is nothing that you can say right now to make this better,” Limestone said, cutting Tarnish off. “Having a last name like Pie can lead to all sorts of blunders. Better get used to laughing about it now.”

“I don’t get it,” Pinkie Pie said. “What’s so funny?” She looked around the table, oblivious to why Limestone and now her mother were laughing. “Pies were made to be eaten.”

With a snort, Limestone clamped her fetlock over her muzzle and tried to hold back the explosive laughter that erupted from her mouth. Igneous coughed once more and the corner of his mouth was twitching as his barrel began heaving. Cloudy Quartz looked at her daughter Pinkie, her mouth hanging agape. Marble suffered from heavy breathing and her eyes were wide. Maud blinked and stared at Pinkie, her expression unchanged.

Tarnish meanwhile, turned a darker shade of chocolate brown as his furious blush purplefied him. Unable to meet the gaze of anypony at the table, he stared down at the slice of pie in front of him.

“What?” Pinkie Pie said, looking very confused. “Pie is like the perfect meal. It can be eaten at any time of day, morning, noon, or night. It’s delicious when it’s hot and runny, or even when when it is cooled off.” Pinkie Pie paused, pondering, listening to the snorting of her sister Limestone. “Pie is so good that there are competitions to see which pony can eat the most pie and they just stick their face down in there and get all gooey and everypony has a really good time!” Pinkie Pie beamed as she spoke but was still confused about why everypony was acting funny. “As a cook, I like it when ponies get excited while they eat my pie—”

Igneous choked and began coughing. Cloudy smacked her husband on the back. Marble had her eyes closed and she struggled to breathe, the filly was almost wheezing. Limestone had gone crosseyed with laughter.

“Daddy, you okay?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“No, dear, I think your father needs some air… and maybe some quiet,” Cloudy replied as she shook her head. “Breathe Igneous, breathe… there you go, poor dear.”

Pinkie Pie, looking at each one of her family members in turn, tried to figure out what was causing them all to behave in such a strange fashion. After several long moments, her eyes went wide and she covered her mouth with her hoof. “Oh… ooooooh… you thought I was talking about cannibalism… eating other ponies is wrong. Especially family members. Eating a slice of Maud Pie would be icky!”

With a pained cry, Limestone fell out of her chair as she clutched her stomach, laughing and crying at the same time.

“Pinkamena Diane Pie… can… can we please change the subject?” Cloudy asked, struggling to contain herself. She had one hoof over her breastbone and the other was resting upon Igneous’ back.

“You’re right… eating other ponies is icky,” Pinkie replied. “I’m sorry I brought it up. What a misunderstanding…”

Author's Note

I almost died writing this chapter.

Growth

Standing in her doorway with a smile upon her face, Pinkie Pie gestured for Tarnished Teapot to come into her room. Tarnish hesitated, feeling nervous, and he looked around. Pinkie gestured again, and her smile grew a little wider. Letting out a nervous groan of worry, Tarnish hobbled to her door and followed her inside.

He saw Maud lying upon Pinkie’s bed in the pony loaf position. Unable to help himself, he smiled. Her usual smock was gone, replaced by a light blue smock covered in tiny little sheep jumping over fences.

And then, the photos on the wall caught Tarnish’s eye. He began to look around, with Pinkie Pie beside him, the pink mare grinning. He stepped forwards and began to look at the photos with a keen interest.

“When I was a filly, I stole my sister’s camera… she never once got mad. She showed me how to use it, how to take better pictures, and she was the best big sister a filly could ask for.” Pinkie Pie paused and then took a step forward. “That’s my first ever party that you're looking at.”

“I see you, your mother, your father, and I see Limestone and Marble… where is Maud?” Tarnish asked.

“Snapping the photo just as we were coming in the door of the old silo,” Pinkie Pie replied. “She took a lot of these photos. When she wasn’t off at school that is.”

“I see.” Tarnish turned his head and saw a photo of Maud, Limestone, and Marble all sitting together, the three of them covered from head to hoof in mud.

“I’m gonna tell you a secret, Tarnish.” Pinkie Pie moved to Tarnish’s side. She moved her mouth closer to Tarnish’s ear. “Maud has a little trouble expressing herself sometimes. Her photography is her way of showing her interest and her enthusiasm about stuff. Important stuff.”

Glancing over his shoulder, Tarnish turned his head just in time to see Maud’s head move in a soft, smooth nod at what Pinkie Pie had said. Tarnish heard Maud say, “It’s true.”

“And now I have to kick ya out. Sorry, but Maud and I are about to have sister time. We’re going to stay up late and talk about stuff. Important stuff.” Pinkie Pie waggled her eyebrows as she spoke.

“Goodnight,” Maud said as Pinkie Pie showed Tarnished Teapot to the door.

“Goodnight, both of you…”

The morning was a bit chilly and a misty fog had rolled over the farm. After moving rocks for several hours, Tarnish was now flipping and stacking rocks, arranging them in clusters close to the ley line intersection. Even though it had only been a few days, he felt more practiced with his magic now, certain actions seemed easier and required less effort.

He found that he rather enjoyed what he was doing. It allowed him to zone out, giving him time to think, to contemplate, a chance to mull over the many things that lingered within his mind. He liked that his magic was working, was cooperating, and that he could be a unicorn for once, rather than just a pony with a horn.

Each cluster was conical or pyramidal. It was important to be able to see the rocks, to examine them, and this meant efficient shapes for doing so. After doing this for almost an hour, Tarnish had a bit of a rhythm going, which allowed him to work in an almost mindless state, stacking rocks.

As he worked, he could not help but wonder if his magic was also having an effect upon the rocks, somehow enhancing the chaotic effects of the ley line energies. He didn’t know how to test for such a thing, but the thought lingered in the back of his mind. He thought of Maud and how she spoke of Trixie, with Trixie’s magic being unstable and even unusable here at the farm. Magic was a fickle, funny thing that Tarnished Teapot knew almost nothing about.

In his mind, as he worked, he was assembling a list of things to talk to Twilight Sparkle about, hoping to get some answers.

The springs of his bed creaked as Tarnished Teapot sat down upon it. It felt good to sit down. Walking around on three legs was taxing upon his body as it required odd movement that his body was not designed for. His back ached and as he sprawled out upon his side, there was a disturbing crackle from his spine. He had worked until his magic had depleted, fizzling out, and nothing but a few sparks had come from his horn.

Tarnish found that he enjoyed his newfound sense of accomplishment, something he had discovered while he was staying in Dodge City Junction. Crossing the salt flats, braving a pack of flying skunks, evading ravenous vampiric jackalopes and chupacabras… it gave one the sense that their life had value. Overcoming hardship, facing challenges, surviving difficult odds, even using hardship to your advantage, as had been the case with the manticore and the flying skunks. Of course, the flying skunks had also contributed to his downfall, in a way.

The Pie family had been kind to him. Cloudy worried about his busted leg. Igneous had shown a genuine sense of appreciation. Limestone and Marble had made him feel welcome. Laying there, staring at the wall, Tarnish realised he felt something that he hadn’t felt while living in Ponyville, but he could not put his hoof on what it was, only that something felt different here, with these ponies.

A knock upon the door interrupted Tarnish’s thoughts. He glanced over at the door and said, “It’s open.” He watched as the door opened, the hinges creaking and needing a bit of oil. He saw Maud and could not help himself, a smile spread across his face.

“The whole family is heading into town. We’d like for you to come,” Maud said looking at Tarnish with her usual serene, if somewhat blank expression.

“Rock Haven?” Tarnish asked.

Maud shook her head. “No, not Rock Haven.” Maud blinked, her eyelids moving with all of the hurried speed of an impatient glacier. “We’re going to Foalsom Springs. They have a movie theater and a big department store. Mama needs supplies for some of her projects and I need stuff for my photography.”

“I don’t know if I should go… I don’t know if I should be around other ponies.”

Maud blinked again and then her head tilted off to one side. “You can’t hide yourself away. Just be careful with your magic. Once we are away from the farm, we can run a few experiments.”

“But what if everypony hates me once we get away from the farm?” Tarnish asked, revealing his fear and something that he had thought about.

“Tarnish, that is a risk you are going to have to take… but I do suspect that we are all saturated with wild and unpredictable magic. Just look at my sister, Pinkie Pie.” Maud stepped into Tarnish’s room and closer to his bed. “In Ponyville, Pinkie Pie was always your friend and tried to be nice to you.”

“Maud, things finally feel like they are going right… I’m so scared that everything will become a mess,” Tarnish said. He squirmed on the bed, wiggling around, and then struggled to sit up.

“Come with us,” Maud said, looking Tarnish in the eye as she spoke. “It’ll be okay. Life, just like science, has risks.”

Maud waited as Tarnish slipped out of bed and got to his hooves. Much to Tarnish’s surprise, she pressed herself against him, and the pair stood neck to neck for a moment in something that was almost a hug.

“Hmm, this is nice. I see what Pinkie means,” Maud said as she leaned into Tarnish.

Lost in the moment, Tarnish made a confession. “I have thought about hugging you or touching you a few times… I mean, in a friendly way… not in a bad way…”

“Why haven’t you?” Maud asked.

“Because… I don’t know if it is okay or not. I mean, I have some trouble—”

“Understanding me and how I am?” Maud asked. Maud closed her eyes and let out a faint soft sigh. “I’m sorry, I can’t help how I am. It is going to make things difficult for you. I have the same wants and needs as anypony else, I just have a hard time showing it. I like hugs as much as the next pony.”

“This is nice,” Tarnish said, leaning into Maud a little. She was warm, soft, and her body had a solid well muscled feel that Tarnish discovered that he liked quite a bit.

“Come with us Tarnish.”

“Okay…”

Author's Note

Almost... almost...

When a weed and a rock entwine

The wagon moved along at a brisk pace and the road was, for the most part, smooth. Tarnished Teapot sat in the back of the wagon and watched the world go by, all the while stealing glances at Maud while doing his best to appear not to be looking at her. Looking at her made his heart race and it took effort to keep himself calm.

Tarnish had discovered that Maud was the strongest in the family, so it was she who was pulling the wagon at the moment. Igneous and Cloudy walked together, side by side, both of them wearing their best hats into town. Pinkie Pie, Limestone, and Marble were all ahead, walking together.

Much to Tarnish’s relief, it was easy to keep his magic in check. As the wagon continued onwards, he thought about this in the back of his mind, having reached the conclusion that his magic was behaving because he had been using it on a regular basis and he wasn’t backed up.

He heaved a contented sigh and without realising it, his gaze settled upon Maud’s muscular backside, which rocked back and forth in the most pleasing manner as she pulled the wagon. Even covered in her smock, it was quite pleasant to look at. Tarnish’s thoughts drifted. For some reason, the smock made Maud’s backside even more appealing, but Tarnish could not say why.

Maud had all of the same needs as any other pony. She had said that and the words now echoed in Tarnished Teapot’s teenaged colt brain. He thought of her long eyelashes. Her lean muscles. The slow but still somehow appealing way that she blinked, hiding away her eyes for a long moment and then making Tarnish glad to see them when they opened.

“Whatcha lookin’ at?”

Startled, Tarnish almost fell out of the wagon and felt a strong foreleg wrap around his middle, pulling him back in. He hadn’t even noticed Pinkie Pie getting into the wagon or creeping up beside him.

“I… I was… was thinking.” It was all Tarnish could do to blurt out a frustrated stammer.

Tilting her head, Pinkie Pie peered ahead and then turned around to look at Tarnish. “Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

Unable to reply, Tarnish began to wonder just how purple he was turning. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself, because he felt as though his heart was going to explode inside of his barrel at any second. He heard snickering and realised that Limestone and Marble were walking beside the wagon.

Pinkie Pie placed her hoof alongside her muzzle, leaned over, and whispered, “Maud is an attractive pony. You’re a colt. You’re supposed to want to look at her.” Pinkie Pie glanced ahead at her sister, then back once more at Tarnish. “Do you want to know why she wears her smock?”

Tarnish felt his body betray him as his head gave an enthusiastic nod.

“She sunburns easily. She has a fine, thin, silky pelt, the sort of pelt that feels so nice to hug. She is very soft and snuggly, trust me, as her baby sister, I know. Since she spends a lot of time outdoors, she had to find someway of protecting her soft, supple skin.” Pinkie Pie dropped her hoof away from her mouth, smiled, and then leapt out of the wagon, landing beside Marble.

Taking a deep breath, Tarnish felt a little too hot and flustered. Silky pelts, supple skin, it was too much for his mind to deal with. He laid down upon his stomach in the wagon, feeling more than a little uncomfortable. He needed to calm down and think about other things… things not silky nor supple, or wearing a smock.

Foalsom Springs was a quiet, sleepy little town that existed outside of Fillydelphia and would no doubt be swallowed up by the bigger city one day. One could see the tall buildings of Fillydelphia on the distant horizon. It existed as a watering hole a long time ago before the railroads, or at least that was what the historical marker sign said.

There were several roads here, including one that went down to Baltimare. The town itself clustered around the crossroads. The buildings were made in a curious style that combined wood and brick. The tallest building in town was five stories tall and had a sign on the top that read ‘Pacer’s Dry Goods.’ The sign looked old, but well cared for. There was a rail yard, quite a number of houses as well as cottages that circled the town, and there was one imposing building made of grey stone that had a sign that said ‘Sawyer’s and Sons Books and Barrels.” After reading the sign, Tarnish could not help but feel a little confused. In Ponyville, there was a store that sold sofas and quills. Here, there was a store that sold books and barrels.

“Do you like what you see?”

Closing his eyes, Tarnish did not know how to answer the question. He could hear Maud breathing right beside him. She had crept up on him, very much like Pinkie Pie had done when he had not been paying attention.

“Come on Tarnish, every mare wants to know that they are pretty,” Maud said in a flat monotone. “I know you were looking at me, I heard you and my sister talking.”

My ears are on fire, Tarnish thought to himself. What do I say? Opening his eyes, Tarnish turned his head to have a look at Maud. She was much closer to him than he realised and his snoot almost bumped into hers. He could feel her breathing on him. He began to feel far too warm and he began to sweat. Tarnish had no way of knowing if Maud was being serious right now or having a bit of a go at him. There was no way to tell. There were no external signs whatsoever that told him anything about Maud’s motives.

“Maud, I can’t tell what you are feeling and sometimes it scares me,” Tarnish admitted, his honest feelings slipping out. He hadn’t intended to say that, but it just sort of happened.

“Right now, I feel like a scared little filly wondering if the colt she likes likes her,” Maud replied in the same monotonous voice that she always spoke in. Maud blinked and then looked Tarnish in the eye. “I don’t feel like a grown up mare. Not at all. I feel nervous and weird.”

“I don’t know when you are teasing me, or being serious, and I feel really insecure.”

“That’s two of us. Tarnish, I am so anxious that I can’t stand it.”

Drawing in a deep breath, Tarnish tried to reconcile what Maud had just said with the fact that her voice sounded as though she was about to die at any moment from boredom. Staring at Maud, it took several long moments before Tarnish noticed something. Every muscle in her neck stood out and appeared to be taut. She looked rigid and stiff. It was not something one would notice unless one was looking and paying attention. Each muscle appeared to be tensed up and no doubt, Maud appeared to be suffering some distress. For Tarnish, it was the first sign that he had seen that showed him that Maud felt something. Without thinking, he stuck out his snoot and touched her neck, pressing the soft pad of flesh at the end of his nose against her.

He heard a soft almost imperceptible gasp from Maud and felt her muscles tighten up even more. Standing there with his snoot pressed against her, Tarnish came to the slow and panic inducing realisation that he was touching her again. He didn’t know what to do. From what little bit that Tarnish knew about fillies and mares, if they didn’t act interested, you were supposed to stop. It was impossible to tell what Maud wanted or if she was interested. There was no way of knowing. He started to pull away…

“Don’t stop…”

Tarnish froze. Maud’s voice sounded the way it always did. She sounded bored and disinterested, but after speaking, she took a step sideways towards Tarnish, pushing herself closer. Feeling brave, Tarnish tilted his head and rubbed his cheek against her neck.

“Oh, that feels nice…”

There was a flash of light which caused Tarnish to blink. He stood there, not knowing what to do, his cheek still pressed against Maud’s neck, when he heard Pinkie Pie say, “Maud looks so happy.” He then heard a few sniffles from behind him.

“Who’s up for a movie?” Limestone asked in a cheerful voice. She seemed oblivious to the awkward romance taking place. “Two films start within the hour. The first one is The Barn in the Woods which is a horror film and the second one is Prancedance, a story about a tough single mare who works as a welder that dances her way to fame and fortune in the gritty nightclubs of Manehatten.”

Tarnish heard none of this. He stood on three legs with his cheek still pressed up against Maud’s neck, and he could feel that she had relaxed a little bit, her muscles not being quite so taut. He could feel Maud’s hot breath against his neck.

“Look Igneous, they’re necking, that’s adorable… who would have thought our sweet little Maud Pie would find herself a suitor to neck with? Pinkie, take another picture!” Cloudy said in an excited voice.

“Right now, I want to die of embarrassment,” Maud said in a low deadpan. “Come on Tarnish, let’s go see a movie.”

“Okay Maud,” Tarnish replied, giving the stony mare a final nuzzle upon her neck before pulling away.

There was a flash as Pinkie Pie took another picture…

Author's Note

Wait for it...

Weedkiller

Staring at the flickering image on screen, Tarnished Teapot continued to act as brave as possible. The Barn in the Woods was an awful movie. There was lots of screaming, lots of horror, and lots of killing. Tarnish felt a little queasy after watching a deadite pony vomit green goo.

“No! Don’t go down into the cellar!” Pinkie Pie cried out, almost causing poor Tarnish to jump out of his skin when she shouted. Beside Pinkie, Limestone shrieked and Pinkie Pie squealed when Limestone grabbed her. The two sisters screamed together in gleeful terror.

Beside Tarnish, Maud sat looking bored, staring at the screen. She leaned over and placed her foreleg on top of Tarnish’s foreleg, clutching his fetlock with her own. She turned her head and in a bored sounding monotone, she said, “I’m scared.”

Tarnish could feel her squeezing his leg. He glanced over at Maud. He could feel the muscles in her fetlock tensing and flexing. She didn’t look scared, but he could feel her trembling. Her breath smelled like licorice; Pinkie Pie had slipped in a licorice drop, surprising Maud with a piece of candy.

“This movie is awful. I don’t think I like it. But Pinkie Pie and Limestone are having a good time.” Maud leaned over a little more, getting closer to Tarnish. “Marble had the right idea, watching Prancedance with mom and dad.”

“That looks like oatmeal with green food colouring!”

Leaning a little closer to Maud, Tarnish was glad that they were the only four ponies in this particular show; Pinkie’s outbursts might have been embarrassing otherwise. For all of their screaming and shrieking in terror, it was clear that Pinkie Pie and Limestone were enjoying themselves.

“That’s what she gets for going down into the cellar!” Limestone shouted. She gestured at the screen, waving her hoof with wild abandon. “A pitchfork, right in the gizzard!”

“Oh, that looks awful.” Maud stared at the movie screen with a blank expression upon her face. “I guess I was wrong. As it turns out, she had plenty of guts. Look at them. They’re all over the floor.”

With a slow turn of his head, Tarnish turned to look at Maud. “You do have a sense of humour…”

Maud blinked. “Sometimes, like an ancient evil, it escapes. I once roasted Discord, the Disharmonious Spirit of Chaos. Ponies told me I was funny.”

Unable to help himself, Tarnished Teapot grinned at Maud’s deadpan delivery. If he was a little braver, Tarnish might have leaned over just a few inches more and kissed Maud upon the cheek, but at the last moment, his common sense told him no. A little necking, a little hoof holding, that was all fine and good. But kissing was a whole different issue. You needed permission. A sign. Some clear signal that it was okay to pucker up and go planting tulips.

But it was tempting. Tarnish wasn’t certain what had just come over him, but the feeling was strong. In the dark theatre, lit only by the flickering light of the projector and the movie screen, Tarnish was almost overcome by how beautiful Maud was. He began to breathe a little heavier.

Planting tulips sounded like a great thing to do. A wise pony had once said that the only thing better than roses on your piano was tulips upon your organ. Blinking, Tarnish tried to get his fevered mind back under control. He leaned back a little bit, gave Maud some room, and took a deep breath, holding it for several seconds so he could calm down.

“Tarnish, is the movie scaring you? You’re acting funny,” Maud whispered as she looked over at Tarnish. On the screen, some dreadful deadite pony was tap dancing in the eviscerated bowels of some now dead teenage filly, while singing, “Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal, send me a kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire…”

Somehow, after taking a deep breath to calm down, Tarnish had forgotten to start breathing once more. He sucked in a deep breath and concentrated upon breathing and tried not to think about how close Maud was, or how tempted he was to give her a smooch.

“I think Tarnish is a scared little colt,” Maud said to her sisters.

Oh, this was bad. Tarnished Teapot whimpered. “I’m not scared…”

“Denial is always the first sign of a problem,” Pinkie Pie said, never once taking her eyes off of the screen. “That’s what I learned when Twilight Sparkle helped me with my PheNOMNOMenons problem.”

“What?” Limestone asked.

“I had a problem with a certain delicious treat, but I’m okay now. I’ve admitted that there was a problem and I’m in control—”

“Look, I’m not scared!” Tarnish said in his own defense.

“Denial!” Pinkie waved at the screen. “That looks like applesauce with red food colouring. I wonder what Applejack would have to say about that.”

“I’m not in denial!” Tarnish snorted in defiance and shook his head.

Tarnish felt Maud’s fetlock give him a gentle squeeze and then he heard her say, “Don’t worry Tarnish, I’ll keep you safe.” He felt the hot, awkward sting of embarrassment. Somehow, everything had gone wrong and now the theatre was the horror show.

There was no way out of this, so Tarnish sat back in his seat and tried to endure what was certain to be an awkward half an hour to forty five minutes, or however long it took for the movie to be over.

It was much later than he thought when Tarnish emerged from the movie theatre. He stood, blinking in the late afternoon sunlight, and he came to a conclusion after several moments of thought, a conclusion that he spoke aloud. “We’re not going to get back to the farm before dark.”

“No, we’re not, which is why we’re going to be camping out and having a lovely night out below the stars,” Limestone said to Tarnish. “We do this all the time. Come on, I bet mom and dad are in the cafe across the street.”

Following Limestone, Tarnish glanced over at Maud, who walked beside him. He saw her glancing at him, which caused his heart to begin pounding, and then she turned away, looking ahead towards the cafe.

“Oooooooooh ice cream sounds so good right about now,” a prancing, pronking Pinkie Pie proclaimed, practicing perfect pronunciation.

“Maud, I had a nice time, thanks for seeing a movie with me.” Tarnish hobbled ahead on three legs and wished that he had something more clever to say.

“I had a lovely time, thank you, Tarnish…”

The cafe was air conditioned and the sweet smell of ice cream tickled Tarnish’s nose. Tarnish, still in a romantic mood, rushed ahead on three legs so he could be a gentlecolt and help Maud get seated. Lacking a useful second foreleg, he took a risk and used his magic to pull a chair out for Maud to sit in. He waited for something awful to happen, but nothing did. He grinned at her and then went to say, “May I show you to your seat?”

But that isn’t what came out of his mouth. Fumbling his words, either because of his nervousness or because of his treacherous magic, what instead came out of Tarnish’s mouth were the words, “May I sew you to a sheet?”

A spoon clattered to the table after Cloudy Quartz dropped it. Igneous groaned, a deep rumbling sound that came from the base of his throat. Marble squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, feeling what the ponies of Germaney called fremdschämen.

“Oh, well, this is awkward,” Pinkie Pie said, summing up the situation in a manner most succinct. She shook her head.

Grinning a huge, toothy grin, Limestone giggled. “Tarnished Teapot, you are supposed to ask a mare that in private… you never say it in front of her parents.”

“It… it was… it… it was… was… an… it was an accident.” Tarnish, feeling mortified, wanted to sink down into the earth, never to be seen again, perhaps becoming part of a nice sedimentary rock.

Sitting down in the offered chair, Maud said, “Thank you, Tarnish.”

Fanning herself with one hoof, her lips pressed together, Cloudy recovered her spoon and looked at everything around her while trying not to look at Tarnish. After several moments of struggle, she let out a snort and the corners of her mouth attempted to curl upwards. “Tarnish, dear, you should take a seat. Don’t feel bad, little slip ups happen.”

Sighing, Tarnish went to sit down. The chair had other plans. It reared up on two legs in a heroic pose and then took off, running through the dining area of the cafe, causing everypony present to stop what they were doing and stare. Standing there, feeling miserable, Tarnish sighed once more. “I’m gonna go sit in the wagon. Hopefully, nothing else bad happens.”

“Tarnish wait,” Maud said, reaching out her hoof and touching Tarnish, ignoring the awestruck ponies all around her that were watching as the chair went racing around the tables. “Don’t go… it’s not so bad—”

“I feel humiliated, just like I always do,” Tarnish replied as he started for the door.

“Sit down,” Igneous commanded. “I’m not about to let you go off and sulk in the wagon. You just park your backside in another chair and you stop feeling sorry for yourself.” Igneous gave the young colt a hard stare and then pointed at a chair with his hoof. “Sit. Don’t make me tell you again.” Igneous glared at the rest of the chairs around the table, his brows furrowing. “No more shenanigans… if any of you tries to run away, I’ll turn you into kindling. I have a pickaxe in the wagon that’ll do the job nicely.”

Glancing once more at the door, Tarnish debated what to do next. Closing his eyes, he hung his head, swallowed, and then decided to stay. He backed up and then tried to sit down once more. This time, his chair stayed put.

“Sometimes things on the farm misbehave,” Pinkie Pie said, explaining her father’s behaviour. “I used to think the house was haunted, but Maud says it’s something else. Sometimes, daddy has to scold stuff to make it behave.”

Opening his eyes, Tarnish gave Pinkie Pie an incredulous stare, but noticed that both Limestone and Marble were both nodding. And so was Igneous.

“It’s true.” Having said what needed to be said, Igneous returned to eating his ice cream, a sour looking scowl upon his face as he glared at the chairs, just daring them to move.

The running chair ran out of whatever it was that was animating it, and it stopped, becoming a normal chair once more. Several of the patrons stood around, gawking at it with wide eyes and open mouths.

Taking a deep breath, Tarnished Teapot felt a little better…

Author's Note

Botany held at bay

The mare behind the counter appeared to be a centenarian. Tarnish could not help but be astonished by the sheer number of wrinkles upon the old unicorn’s face. The counter was decorated with pictures of ponies, family members by the looks of it, including a family portrait filled with ponies. On the top of the frame ornate letters made up the words, “six generations above ground.” When the meaning of those words sunk in, Tarnish was impressed.

“Need something?” the old mare asked.

Tarnish looked around and caught a glimpse of Maud’s tail disappearing behind a bookshelf. She had told him to get a book or two for himself. Tarnish however, wasn’t sure what to get. After a moment of internal debate, he blurted out, “A primer on botany… I could use a primer on botany and a primer on magic.”

“Sonny, yer a unicorn… you don’t know magic?” The old unicorn mare narrowed her eyes at Tarnish. “Tell me, what excuse do you have for not educating yerself?”

“My magic is particularly dangerous and destructive. And it was not until recently that I was in a place that was safe for me to use it. I’ve always just held it in,” Tarnish replied, being honest and upfront.

“I see.” The old mare blinked a few times as she studied Tarnish. “Hmm, that’s poison joke… what an odd cutie mark. I reckon yer magic is troublesome, ain’t it?”

Somewhat surprised by her observation, Tarnish gave the mare a nervous smile. “Oh, you have no idea, ma’am.” He relaxed a little and began to feel better. The cafe had been stressful.

“I have a magic primer that focuses on control for troublesome foals,” the old mare said. “Like little pyros. My great, great, great, granddaughter, she’s a flaming mess. There might be another great or two in there… I’m getting old and losing track. Anyhoo, the book has exercises and guides to help a foal learn a bit more control. Should work for you as well.” The old mare’s wrinkled face crinkled and she appeared thoughtful for a moment. “As for the botany primer, aisle five, nine shelves down, somewhere near the middle.”

“Thank you,” Tarnish said as the old mare teetered off to find the magic primer.

Taking off on three legs, Tarnish found aisle five, walked nine shelves down, and then began to look around at eye level. He found a marker that said, “Flora.” He began looking at the various books, introductions to botany, basic botany, guides to Equestrian flora, and then, he saw something that intrigued him.

Extremophiles: A Guide to Ballistic Botany, Flaming Flora, and Predatory Plants.

Standing on three legs, Tarnish wasn’t sure how he was going to pull the book out. He didn’t dare use his magic. He didn’t have a hoof free to pull the book out. He was going to have to ask for help it seemed. Tarnish sighed.

“Need something?” Marble poked her head around the corner and peered down the aisle at Tarnish.

“I found a book I want,” Tarnish replied.

Now silent, Marble walked down the aisle, a thick book balanced upon her back. She came to where Tarnish was standing and looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“That one… the one that says Extremophiles on the spine…”

Nodding, Marble reached up with her hoof, pulled the book out, gave it a little flip, the book soared upwards, and then landed upon Marble’s back on top of the book that was already there.

Tarnish supposed that Marble took the book so it could be paid for. He smiled at her and then had a look at the book she had upon her back. Psychology of Motivation and Emotion Volume Eight: Understanding the Emotionally Disconnected. After reading the title, Tarnish felt a little overwhelmed. Marble was looking at him with a strange expression upon her face. She glanced around, her eyes darting up and down the aisle, and Tarnish could see that she had become nervous.

“Maud has feelings,” Marble said in a low whisper. “She just can’t show them very well. She has moments where she’s happy and moments when she’s sad but she can’t laugh and cry like we do. I just want to understand her and maybe help her so she can be happy. She’s been lonesome for a long time… I know that she gets depressed because she told me.”

Not knowing how to respond, Tarnished Teapot stood there while Marble walked away, her ears were splayed out sideways and she looked even more nervous. Tarnish wondered if it was because she had revealed her sister’s secrets, or if Marble just had a hard time talking to ponies.

After Marble vanished, turning around the corner at the end of the shelves, Tarnish decided to browse for anything else that might be worth reading.

The department store was packed with ponies. Looking in, Tarnish could see a crowd. Feeling apprehensive, he stopped on the sidewalk, let out a groan, and then he started to back up.

“Tarnish?” Cloudy asked.

“I can’t go in there. Too many ponies. I don’t trust my magic,” Tarnish replied.

The matron of the Pie family frowned and then nodded her head. “I understand.”

“I’m going to go sit in the wagon and wait.” Tarnish looked at Maud and his gaze lingered upon her. “Don’t hurry on my account. I don’t mind.”

“Your books are in the wagon, placed inside the trunk. Do keep yourself busy,” Cloudy said to Tarnish. She took a step towards him, looking worried, bit her lip, and then took a step back. She started walking again when Igneous gave her a gentle tug.

A most peculiar feeling came over Tarnished Teapot, and he did not know what it was.

After a lot of effort of rummaging around, using his teeth to grab things, and then working to get himself comfortable, Tarnished Teapot had his prize. Extremophiles: A Guide to Ballistic Botany, Flaming Flora, and Predatory Plants was in front of him, lying upon the wooden boards of the wagon’s bed. He opened it with his hoof and then with much care, he began to flip the pages. When he reached the ‘P’ section, he began to gnaw his lip, nervous, wondering if the book would have a listing for poison joke. And then, there it was.

Poison Joke. Venenum iocus. The Blue Bane. Tarnish flipped through more pages and realised with growing excitement that it was a very long entry. He took a deep breath, tried to calm himself so he could be a bit more studious, and then he began to read, starting at the beginning of the entry. Almost right away, as Tarnished Teapot was reading the discription, it was as if he was reading about himself.

“Hi.”

Maud’s bored sounding monotone jolted Tarnish from his study. Startled, he let out a low cry as he lifted his head and looked around. Behind Maud, several unicorns and an earth pony pulling a shopping cart stood around.

“Complimentary wagon loading service,” Maud said.

“I’ll move.” Tarnish stood up, picked up his book in his teeth, dropped it into the trunk, and then hopped down from the back of the wagon. He landed and wobbled on three legs. After recovering his balance, he got out of the way so the wagon could be loaded.

“Did you have a nice read?” Maud asked.

“I had a wonderful read,” Tarnish replied. He gave Maud a smile. “I learned a few interesting things… I’d like to tell you about them. Maybe tonight, when we’re camping out…”

Author's Note

So what is it that Tarnish is feeling...

NaCl

The fire had a merry crackle, the flames stoked by the balmy breeze. The sun was little more than a dimming light on the horizon. The campsite was secluded in a little grove of trees and there was a hoof cranked water pump just for travelers. Cloudy Quartz, Limestone, and Pinkie Pie were preparing dinner. Meanwhile, Igneous had a quiet chat with Marble about her finds at the bookstore and the department store.

A setup that left Tarnish and Maud alone with one another, sitting a short distance away from the others. Maud stared into the fire while Tarnish stared at Maud, doing nothing to hide his wide eyed expression of adoration.

“So, uh, Maud… I know you don’t like sweets and stuff, but you have to like something… what is it that you like? What do you eat that makes you happy?” Tarnish asked in soft voice as he leaned in a little closer to Maud.

The stoic earth pony blinked once, then a second time, and with the third blink, she turned her head. “Nopony has ever bothered asking me that before.”

“Nopony?” Tarnish’s nostrils flared in surprise.

“Nopony.” Maud looked into Tarnished Teapot’s eyes. “Pinkie Pie and I make rock candy and she gives me some of the rock candy and I save them because they are special to me. But I never eat them. But I treasure them because they come from Pinkie.”

“So that makes you happy?” Tarnish asked.

“Very much so,” Maud replied.

“There has to be a food that you eat that makes you happy though.” Tarnish found that he was having a little trouble breathing. His barrel felt tight. Being this close to Maud was having a powerful effect upon him.

“I like minerals and different types of salts. I collect salts. Like black lava salt, pink sea salt, red rock salt, smoked salt, salt roasted in bamboo, truffle salts… I love salts. Not only do they taste good, but I like looking at them. Pink sea salt is pretty. And I like salt licks. More than just the common salt licks though, I like gourmet mineral salt licks when and if I can find them.”

It was hard to believe that Maud was being enthusiastic about this conversation when she sounded so very bored, but Tarnish was learning to live with the seeming contradiction.

“So Tarnish, you said you learned something from that book and you wanted to share it with me?” Maud asked.

“There was… but I can’t remember what it was,” Tarnish replied.

“You seem distracted. Are you in pain? Is your leg bothering you?” Maud reached out her hoof and with a gentle touch she placed it upon Tarnish’s cast.

Shaking his head, Tarnish took a deep breath. “That isn’t what has me distracted.” Maud’s eyelashes were distracting. So were her eyes. He leaned forwards a little more and his mouth became as dry as a desert. He could feel Maud’s warm breath on his muzzle. She was close now, mere inches away.

“Oh look at them! They’re adorable!” Pinkie Pie cried, pointing with her hoof at Tarnished Teapot and Maud. “Gazing into each others’ eyes with such longing!”

Startled, Tarnish jerked his head back and sucked in a deep breath. He choked, his throat closing up on him, and he began to cough. After coughing several times, he saw stars in his vision.

“Tarnish?” Maud peered at the colt beside her, worried, wondering if he was okay. She glanced over at her sister and then back at Tarnish. After a few moments, Tarnish’s coughing seemed to subside.

“Dinner is almost done… fire roasted corn, canned chili beans, and cornbread with little spicy pepper bits cooked in a cast iron camp oven… mmm, mmm, mmm!” Pinkie Pie announced.

Igneous raised an eyebrow. “Did somepony say chili beans?” The older stallion licked his lips and then turned his attention upon the fire where dinner was cooking. “Wait, what sort of chili did we buy, anyhow?”

“Monty Puma’s Revenge Chili,” Cloudy Quartz replied.

“The kind with the grinning big cat on the can?” Igneous grinned. “I like that kind. It’s spicy.” His grin became a frown. “Too bad it stays spicy though. Just as hot going out as it is going in—”

“Igneous!” Cloudy looked at her husband and her lips puckered into a grimace of disapproval. “I swear, Igneous, you and Pinkamena both…”

“We both like spicy foods?” Igneous looked at his wife with a blank expression. “Look, she takes after you in every other way, she has to get something from me. She’s beautiful like you, she’s smart like you, she’s a good cook like you—”

“Oh hush, you old flatterer.” Cloudy made a dismissive gesture with her hoof and turned her head away from her husband. She would never admit it, but her husband’s words had left her more than a little flustered and her heart was racing in her barrel. She glanced over at Maud and Cloudy began to hope that Maud would know this sort of happiness, something that all mothers hoped for their daughters. Even if Maud would have trouble showing it, Cloudy wanted her daughter to be happy.

“You know, I happen to be the luckiest stallion in all of Equestria. I have me a pretty wife, she has given me pretty daughters, I live on a farm that is paid off and profitable.” The old stallion narrowed his eyes and looked over in Tarnish and Maud’s direction. “I’d say it’s about time I had something to show for all my hard work.” He glanced over at his wife and saw that she was looking at Maud and Tarnish with a hopeful, happy look in her eye.

Pulling the cast iron lid off of the camp oven, Pinkie Pie leaned her head down and sniffed. She closed her eyes and let out low moan of pleasure. “Spicy cornbread… spicy!” She pulled out a spatula and used it to prod the cornbread. “It’s done!” She stabbed down with the edge of the metal spatula, cut the cornbread into wedges, and then flipped them into waiting bowls. A ladle was produced and Pinkie Pie began filling up the bowls with steaming hot chili beans in a rich, smoky red-brown sauce.

“Is that a tomato sauce?” Tarnish asked. He licked his lips and peered at the food being prepared. “Cause that don’t look like tomato sauce.”

“It isn’t,” Pinkie Pie replied. “It’s pure smoked chili pepper puree. That’s what makes it spicy.” Pinkie Pie ladled more chili into the bowls. “Welcome to a Pie family tradition, we’re glad to have you with us, Tarnished Teapot.”

“Mmm, spicy food,” Maud said in a disinterested monotone. “I think I’m in the mood for a little heat.”

A weed that needs watering

When Tarnish awoke, there was something warm pressed up against him. It took his brain several seconds to process that there should not be something warm pressing up against him. He had fallen asleep alone, wrapped up in a folded over woollen blanket.

It was still dark out, quite chilly, and the blanket was covered with dew droplets. The fire was nothing more than a bed of coals and the smouldering remains of a half burned log. Tarnish realised it was Maud beside him. She was sleeping on her stomach and her head was resting upon her forelegs. At some point, she had crawled inside of his folded over blanket to be with him.

Trapped inside of his blankets, Tarnish didn’t know what to do. He needed to do things. Important things. He needed a drink and he needed to find a quiet place to let a little liquid out. He lay there, trying to be very still, not wanting to disturb Maud. Or wake anypony up and get caught in this compromising position.

Not far away, Igneous was wrapped up in a blanket with Cloudy. Pinkie Pie was wrapped up with Marble and Limestone. A few legs of different colours peeked out from beneath their blanket.

More than anything, Tarnish hoped that he could figure out a way of extricating himself from this situation before Igneous woke up. Igneous seemed okay with Tarnish taking a liking to Maud for the most part, and Igneous had been very, very kind. All of this could change though if Igneous woke up and saw that Tarnish had been sleeping with one of his prized daughters.

There was a pickaxe in the wagon. Tarnish gulped. Vivid images of the horror movie he had just watched began to replay in his mind. Maud was sleeping on the side that opened, leaving Tarnish wedged up in the folded edge.

With no other option, Tarnish began to wiggle forward on his belly, determined to crawl out. Using his good front leg, he braced his elbow down, pressing through the blanket and into the soft earth, and then he extended his cast covered leg. He pulled himself forward over the woollen blanket, which was a terrible idea. The blanket rubbed all of the wrong places and began to produce static electricity as well.

“What are you doing?”

Tarnish turned his head and his snoot bumped into something soft and rather fuzzy. He gulped. “I was trying to escape what is certain to be my own death.”

“Always so dramatic. I like that about you,” Maud said. She yawned, but her yawn was not like other ponies. Her mouth opened only a little and it sounded as though she was heaving a bored sigh. “It got cold last night. You were warm.”

“I suppose I was.” Tarnish licked his dry lips.

“They’re all asleep,” Maud said in a bored sounding matter-of-fact way, as if she was perhaps announcing a shopping list.

Tarnish nodded.

“I’ll be blunt. Do you want to kiss me?”

Tarnish nodded again.

“So why haven’t you?”

Tarnish’s ears perked straight up and he looked Maud in the eye.

“You’ve been trying to be good, haven’t you? Tired of making mistakes and screwing your life up?” Maud asked. She blinked in a sleepy way and then yawned once more.

Once more, the colt nodded. Tarnish blinked and realised that there was no better moment than right now. Her muzzle was inches away from his. He tilted his head, lifted his muzzle at an angle, and then pressed forwards after summoning all of his courage.

Maud was as still as a statue when Tarnish’s lips met hers. He almost panicked, fearing that he had made a horrible mistake and Maud was disgusted, but then, Maud thawed. Her lips moved against his and a clumsy kiss took place. He felt Maud pressing into him, she was responding to him, and he had her attention. He tilted his head a little more and kneaded his lips against hers in a closed-mouth kiss.

The moment became heated and steamy. Tarnish continued to press both his advantage and his lips against Maud. It was like Maud was an oasis and Tarnish had once again crossed the alkali salt flats. He drank deep from the kiss.

With a wet pop, the pair pulled apart and Tarnish realised that he was dead. He had just kissed the love of his life and he was dead. There was something wrong with Maud’s mane. Something had gone wrong in the most horrendous way possible. Maud’s mane was now Pinkie Pie-a-fied, it had exploded into a riotous seething mass of curls and was sticking out in all directions. Maud herself was still, except for her eyes, which blinked as she stared at Tarnish.

“Maud, your mane,” Tarnish whispered.

“I feel light headed. Dizzy. I’ve never felt this way before. Is there something wrong with me?” Maud shook her head in a glacial manner and her tight, springy curls bounced around her face.

There would be no hiding this. There were bound to be questions. And this would have to be explained. Realising that he was dead anyway gave Tarnished Teapot an unprecedented level of courage. He pressed his muzzle against Maud’s once more and gave her another wet, clumsy kiss. With this one, Maud’s mouth opened a bit and he could feel her breath and his intermingling. When he pulled away, he could see the damage done. Maud’s mane now rivaled Pinkie Pie’s for frizzy, curly mass.

“I feel warm. And light headed.” Maud smacked her lips and looked Tarnish in the eye. “What did you do to me?”

“Maud, I don’t know how to explain what just happened, but your mane… you look like your sister, Pinkie,” Tarnish replied.

The fire flared to life, sending sparks flying. Tarnish turned his head, a newfound sense of terror welling up inside of him. Standing beside the fire was Cloudy Quartz. Her foreleg was still raised from kicking the remains of the log in the fire over. The flames framed her face and her mane hung down, no longer confined in a bun.

Igneous was still in his blankets, his eyes wide and staring.

Tarnish heard an all too familiar giggle-snort and he did not need to turn his head any further to know that Pinkie Pie was staring. He closed his eyes and allowed his head to sink down to the ground.

“Maud, dear, your mane… your mane looks very nice, darling,” Cloudy said in a low voice. “You look a lot like Pinkie Pie after she had her… her… her change.”

“I feel really happy,” Maud said to her mother. “I just had my first kiss.”

“And it shows, dear.” Cloudy cleared her throat. “And I am very, very happy for you.”

“Maud, you look silly!” Pinkie Pie bounced out of her blanket and then stood beside her mother. “That must have been some kiss!”

“I woke up to what sounded like Marble stomping in a mud puddle,” Limestone said. She yawned and then continued in a sleepy voice. “I look over and in the faint light of the coals, I see my sister and her colt friend smooching. And then her mane exploded.” Limestone began to chortle, which turned into a full belly laugh and she slapped her hoof against the ground.

Tarnish groaned and began to wish that Igneous would just kill him. This was somehow worse.

“All of you need to show some respect.” Marble’s soft voice silenced the camp. “Tarnish is over there dying of embarrassment and just because Maud isn’t showing it doesn’t mean she isn’t suffering from this awkward moment as well. Leave them be.”

Limestone, now silent, turned and looked at her twin.

“Thank you, Marble,” Maud said. She reached up with her hoof, grabbed the blanket, and then pulled it down over both herself and Tarnish.

From beneath the blanket, Tarnish’s voice could be heard. “I never did get up and get to go pee…”

Author's Note

We need a Maud Pie smiley.

A weed in a wagon

Maud’s mane had almost returned to its normal state. The only indicator that something was amiss was a stray, solitary curl that stuck out from behind her ear. Sitting in the wagon, Tarnished Teapot watched as she leaned into the harness and pulled the wagon homewards.

Pinkie Pie was singing some song about smiling as she pranced in between Marble and Limestone. Tarnish sighed. The short trip was over and now they were returning to the rock farm, which Tarnish supposed he felt good about. He could use his magic there without too much risk or worry.

Off behind the wagon, Igneous and his wife walked together, talking, but Tarnish could not hear their conversation. Not that he was trying to listen of course. The day was warm, sunny, and Tarnish felt as though he could not sit still. More than anything, he wanted to be walking beside somepony. Maud in particular. Walking beside Maud would be nice.

Feeling rather proud of himself, he had found a way to make Maud respond. Sure, she didn’t smile, or frown, she never sounded surprised, or happy, or sad, or anything, but she sure could make physical responses. There was a tangible connection now.

“Igneous, is something wrong?”

“No, Cloudy, I just don’t know how I feel.”

“You should feel happy.”

“I do.”

“Yet I sense some hesitation.” Cloudy Quartz glanced over at her husband, peering out from beneath the brim of her sun hat.

“Maud is special to me.”

“I know that, Igneous… she turned out like you, only much worse. We’ve dealt with it.”

“I came out of my shell just a little. I’m not like how I was. It was you that did it. You just kept loving me and never gave up. Maud is my little filly… I don’t mean to play favourites, but she’s so much like me… just like how Pinkie takes after your side of the family. I’m scared, Cloudy, real scared.”

“Igneous, why are you scared?” Cloudy, who kept pace with her husband, tried to read his face. After a bit of inspection, Cloudy realised her husband was terrified. In silence, she berated herself for not paying attention and waited for him to respond.

“I’m scared that she’ll have her heart broken. That things won’t work out. That something will go wrong and she’ll just retreat inwards. It scares me that this might happen and because of how she is, we’ll never know just how much she’s hurting, what she’s feeling, or if she’s healing after the fact. She’ll just keep it all inside and we’ll never know.”

“Pinkie will know. Pinkie can read Maud like a book,” Cloudy replied.

“But that doesn’t help me feel better.”

“You are a sedimental softie.”

Unable to help himself, Igneous smiled and felt a little better.

“Tarnished Teapot is a good colt. He needs some guidance. He needs a little more time to mature. He’s not a bad sort. Pinkie Pie speaks fondly of him. He has a certain strength of character to him, but I don’t think he’s aware of it.”

Igneous looked at his wife and nodded. He then turned his head, looking forwards, towards the wagon where Tarnish was sitting. “I trust him around my daughters. He’s not a bad sort. He’s just young and stupid, at least for now. In time, I think he’ll straighten out. If not, if things work out between him and my little Maudy, she’ll straighten him out.”

“It is my sincere hope that Tarnish straightens Maud out.” Cloudy glanced at the colt in the wagon. “Igneous, I must confess, seeing Maud’s mane like that gave me hope. Once Pinkie Pie found her happiness, it showed. Pinkie Pie was a miserable little filly and it showed, both inside and out. But then there was the day that she changed. I was so glad to see her happy.” Cloudy blinked away some dust that had gotten into her eyes and had made them water. “Maud’s body might have some trouble expressing joy, but this morning, it found a way.”

“Maud was quite a sight.” Igneous gave his wife a sidelong glance. “We’ll always know if those two go off and do a bit of snogging. They won’t be able to sneak around.”

“She’s a grown mare, Igneous.”

“I’m her father. I never got to go through this with her when she was a filly, Cloudy, I intend to have my fun. Just a little bit. I went through a lot of trouble raising her.”

“Igneous, you are impossible,” Cloudy replied, rolling her eyes.

“You know, when little Maudlin Pie was born, I knew I had to change somehow. I wanted to make certain that my foals knew I loved them. That they made me happy. That I was proud of them. Foals need to see that.”

“Yes, Igneous, they do.”

“I hope I’ve been a good father.”

“I think you’ve been a great father. Pinkie Pie turned out okay, Limestone is a lovely filly, Marble has the potential to be anything she wants to be, and I think Maud is going to be okay. So you can relax now and stop being scared. Everything is going to be okay.”

“I hope so, Cloudy, I hope so…”

“So Maud has a mane like yours,” Limestone said to her sister, Pinkie Pie.

“I know, isn’t it wonderful?” Pinkie Pie replied.

Limestone looked back over her shoulder and back at Pinkie. “She still has that one little curl sticking out. It’s kinda cute.”

“Oh, it’s just waiting for the others to return. They will, you’ll see.” Pinkie Pie grinned. “Trust me, I’m an expert on this sort of thing.”

In a quiet voice, Marble, who felt the need to say something, spoke her mind. “Just don’t tease her about it. I think Maud was overwhelmed this morning. She was really embarrassed. She stayed under those blankets for a long time. She’s sensitive.”

“I know.” Pinkie’s ears drooped down. “I feel kinda bad. I was just so happy about everything and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to how Maud was feeling. Maud wasn’t laughing with us, which means she probably feels like we were laughing at her. Nopony likes that kind of laughter.”

“Maud doesn’t laugh.” Limestone shook her head in confusion.

“Eh, figure of speech.” Pinkie Pie turned her head around and looked back over her shoulder at Maud. “I suppose at some point, I should say I’m sorry.” After studying Maud for a moment, Pinkie Pie groaned. “She looks upset. I think I’m going to have a talk with her.”

“Good luck. I’ll stay up front and keep Marble company.”

Falling into step with Maud, Pinkie Pie pranced beside her sister, her curly pink mane bouncing. Pinkie Pie pulled out her most apologetic smile, the one she used for special occasions, extra toothy, with a side of eye wrinkles for maximum expressiveness.

“Maud?”

“What, Pinkie?”

Wincing, Pinkie Pie realised just how upset Maud was. She felt bad. Real bad. Like crawling into a hole in the ground and dying kind of bad. “I’m sorry.” Pinkie waited for some kind of response, waited a little more, tried to be patient and waited a little longer. No response of any sort seemed forthcoming. Pinkie Pie swallowed and began to understand that she had made a mess, a mess that needed cleaning up.

“Maud, I really am sorry. I saw how happy you looked and I got carried away—”

“I had just had my first kiss. I was having what felt like the happiest moment of my life. And then I discover my whole family is staring at me as if I was some kind of freak show.” Maud didn’t sound angry and no trace of emotion was in her voice. If anything, she sounded extra bored, as if she had no interest in anything at all. “It was humiliating. That was a special moment for me and it became a joke to all of you.”

“Oh gosh, Maud, I’m so sorry.”

Turning her head, Maud’s eyes narrowed. It was something that would have been imperceptible to most ponies. Most ponies would have never noticed the miniscule amount of movement. Most ponies would have never noticed the clenching muscles in Maud’s jaw. Most ponies would have never noticed the almost unnoticeable flaring of Maud’s nostrils, which would have needed a mechanical micrometre to measure the distance to know that anything had changed.

Pinkie Pie was not most ponies, and she recoiled as though she had been struck when Maud looked at her. Her lip quivered and she whimpered, “Oh gosh, Maud, I really am so sorry.”

Maud turned her head away and stared straight ahead at the road.

“Yeah, I goofed.” Pinkie Pie sighed. She felt like crying, but there was nowhere to hide, nowhere to go, and if she did cry, she knew it would ruin the day for everypony else. “I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Maud said in a deadpan reply. “Just stop saying that you’re sorry. I know you are sorry. I still love you, I’m just angry.”

“I can see that now.” Pinkie Pie stretched out her neck and rubbed her cheek against her sister Maud’s neck. “I’ll make this up to you somehow, I swear.”

Maud stopped in mid step, which almost caused poor Tarnish to fall over out of the wagon. There was a cry of surprise, a loud thump, and a moan of pain. Maud raised her head high and looked down at her sister Pinkie. “Actually, there is something you can do for me.”

“What’s that, Maud?”

“When you go home to Ponyville, I want you to convince your friend Twilight Sparkle to allow Tarnish to come back for a visit. A short visit. And I want you to make certain that his mother is there when he comes to visit.”

Pinkie Pie sucked in a deep breath and held it, causing her cheeks to bulge. With wide eyes, she stared at her sister. She let out everything she was holding in with a gasp. “But Tarnished Teapot was banished from Ponyville.”

“You want to get back into my good graces, don’t you?”

Author's Note

Maud has a plan.

Home

“...and I had a really nice time,” Tarnish said to Twilight’s image in the mirror.

“I’m very happy to hear that,” Twilight replied.

“When everything started to go wrong in the cafe, Igneous, he was okay with it. He actually threatened the chairs and said he would smash them with a pickaxe.”

“Tarnish, he’s Pinkie Pie’s father… I’m positive that he has dealt with all kinds of strange things. He’s probably used to weird stuff happening.”

“Weird stuff does happen here. For a time, they used to think the farm was haunted. Turns out, it is the ley line intersections causing some freaky disturbances.” Tarnish peered down into his mirror. “Any word on Flim and Flam?”

“Yes, actually. They were seen in Baltimare, selling dehydrated water. Instant water, just add water. They were selling a powder claiming that it was instant water. By adding a little bit of water, you’d double the amount of water you added. The brothers skedaddled though.” Twilight’s face crinkled. “Some books are on their way in the mail. I hope you enjoy them. Tarnish, it has been great hearing from you, but I have to go. Please take care of yourself. And good luck on your magic studies.”

“Thanks, Twilight.” In his mirror, Twilight’s face vanished. Tarnish took a deep breath and then looked out of his window. The farm had been a welcome sight when they had been coming up the road. He stared out at the grey dirt and thought about how much it had felt like home when he had seen it. This wasn’t his home, it was just a place where he was staying.

A place that felt like home. He had been so happy to see it.

A knock upon his door startled him from his thoughts. He set the mirror down and said, “Come in.” He watched as the door creaked open and then Maud’s head peeked around the door.

“Talk with Twilight?” Maud asked.

Tarnish nodded.

Maud walked into the room and then jumped up onto Tarnish’s bed. She sat down and made herself comfortable. Her turquoise coloured eyes stared at Tarnish. She let out a faint sigh and then just sat there, staring at Tarnish. She still had one little curl in her mane.

“So, uh, when we get back to work, what are we going to be doing? Around the farm I mean,” Tarnish asked.

“We have most everything done we need around here. For a time,” Maud replied. The mare sighed once again as she stared at Tarnish. “We do plan to head over towards Cobbler Creek Road and help rebuild the bridge over that way. The wooden bridge is rotten and falling apart. The Rock Haven city council wants to build a covered bridge so travelers on that road can take shelter if it storms.”

“I’d like to help,” Tarnish said.

“It should be safe. It’s just over the rise and a ways down the road. It should be close enough that your magic will be stable.” Maud blinked. “I’m trying really hard to be irresistible and get your attention. I’m practically throwing myself at you.”

Gulping, Tarnish’s eyes glanced at his bedroom door. He felt sweat beading up along his neck, back along his mane. “Um…”

“Ha.” Maud’s attempt at laughter fell flat, it was more of an exhale of air; the corners of her mouth turned up ever so slightly, but enough that it was noticeable, even by Tarnish. “You look so cute when you get flustered.”

“You… you’re teasing me,” Tarnish said, almost unable to believe that it was happening. He smiled.

“I felt like being funny. It doesn’t happen very often.” Maud hopped down off of the bed. “I think I am going to go write some poetry. I’m feeling inspired.”

“You really think I’m cute?” Tarnish asked.

“Well that depends.” Maud blinked and then looked Tarnish in the eye. “Do you think I’m pretty?”

Author's Note

A short chapter this time. Just how it turned out. This doesn't have an immense amount of planning and a copious amount of rough drafting.

Cryptocrystalline

A covered bridge was covered for more reasons than just ponies taking shelter beneath the roof. The roof protected the bridge as well, protecting the wooden planks, the trusses, the struts, all of the framework of the bridge was covered, protected from the harsh elements, the weather, and other hazards.

Pinkie Pie had gone home to Ponyville and the past few days had been spent toiling on the bridge for most of the morning, picnicking with the ponies of Rock Haven around noon, and then working at a somewhat more sedate pace in the afternoon for those who cared to keep working.

Tarnished Teapot found he prefered to keep working. His primer for magic control had given him a lot of tips, ideas, and little study lessons to follow through on. Building a covered bridge offered him all kinds of opportunities to experiment. There were nails to pound, heavy support struts to hold up, measuring wooden planks, Tarnish took every opportunity available to learn and he ran with it. While working, he took the time to listen to every single word of advice that Doctor Hedge had to offer.

As it turned out, Rock Haven was filled with some of the strangest ponies… such as the Gaunt family, all of whom were earth ponies. Mortimer Gaunt was one of the several morticians for the region, serving several small towns. His wife, Azalée, was a botanist obsessed with creating perfect flowers. Their son, Sonneur, had a bit of a crush on Marble, but was too shy to do anything about it; Marble meanwhile, was too quiet and suffered too much from her social awkwardness to do anything to acknowledge it.

While picnicking, the two bookworms would sometimes look at one another, freak out, and then return to their books, pretending as though nothing was amiss.

Sitting upon a large flat stone that had been warmed by the sun, Tarnish was glad for a break. His leg itched inside of the cast. The day was warm, but there was a pleasant breeze. Everypony was taking a break at the moment. The afternoon sun was too warm to labour under, but it was not unbearable, at least not for Tarnish.

“You’re sweaty,” Maud said in what sounded like an uninterested, bored monotone. She sat down on the grass and looked up at Tarnish.

“I can’t help it.” Tarnish looked down at Maud from his spot upon the stone.

“Something about it excites me,” Maud said, not sounding at all excited. If excitement was a temperature, the way Maud sounded would measure somewhere near true zero, the place where most of the universe began to go still.

Smiling, Tarnish looked at the one little curl that stood out in Maud’s otherwise straight mane. He saw her blink, the slow way that she blinked, the way her eyelashes lingered together, it drove him crazy. He could stare at her for hours.

“You’re staring.” Maud looked up at Tarnish.

“You’re something to stare at,” Tarnish replied.

“Hmm.” Maud’s ears swiveled forwards. “Tell me more.”

“You are more beautiful than an exquisite chalcedony crystalline formation…”

“You… you are trying to exploit my fascination with cryptocrystalline rocks.” Maud blinked. “You’ve been looking at my study notes again, haven’t you?”

“You left them on the dining table.”

“What am I going to do with you?” Maud’s head tilted somewhat, angling her eyes away from the sun so she could see Tarnish better.

“I could think of a few things,” Tarnish replied.

“I bet.”

“Are we going to go out tonight and watch the stars again?” Tarnish gave Maud a hopeful look.

“I don’t know. I already had a date planned for tonight.”

Tarnish did his best to look wounded. “It’s that book again, that big book with the ten syllable words… you keep going to him… what can he give you that I cannot?”

“Well, to start with, ten syllable words.”

Sitting on his stone, Tarnish tossed his head back and turned his nose up. He sniffed, blinked, and refused to look down. “Not everypony can have a double rocktorate and be twenty years old.”

“You are unbelievably silly. I guess I’ll be standing up Mister Book.”

Opening his eyes, Tarnished Teapot looked down and grinned. “Maud Pie, I can give you something that Mister Book can’t.”

“And what’s that?” Maud asked.

“A kiss that makes your mane explode.”

Using his telekinesis, Tarnish lined up several long, thick wooden pegs and then waited for the earth ponies holding large wooden mallets to drive them in, all while holding up the long beam of wood that served as a support strut. This technique saved a lot of smashed, cracked hooves. Once the strut was secured, locked into place, another long wooden beam was lifted into place, ready to become a rafter that would hold up the tin plate roof. It too, was secured.

It was dull, repetitive work, but Tarnish didn’t mind. It gave him time to think, it gave him a chance to observe his magic, test his limits, and it allowed him to feel useful. As Tarnished Teapot was discovering, he didn’t have powerful magic, at least by the classification system in the guide. But he had practical magic. His telekinesis was quite robust, much to his surprise. Lifting heavy rocks on the farm, lifting heavy beams for the bridge, holding nails and wooden pegs steady, he was giving his telekinesis a real workout.

“I think this bridge will be done before the week is out,” Doctor Hedge said as another wooden beam was lifted into place.

“There is going to be dinner and an ice cream social in Rock Haven tonight,” Limestone announced. “It was just thrown together at the last moment.”

“What’s for dinner?” Tarnish asked.

“I don’t know yet. A few mares are getting together and talking about ideas of what to fix on short notice,” Limestone replied. “Mama’s going to help.”

“Ice cream sounds good,” Tarnish said. After a long day of working in the sun, ice cream sounded very good.

“Quite a few of the mares have already left to go and make it. Fresh ice cream. Hoof churned. No idea what flavour there will be, but last time, the spearmint ice cream was wonderful.” Limestone looked up at Tarnish. “Are you going to canoodle my sister tonight?”

Not knowing what to say or how to respond, Tarnish just stood there. “Um…”

“I’m getting a little jealous.” Limestone leaned forwards and her eyes narrowed. “Now my sister spends all of her time with you and ignores me. Listen up colt, you never come between sisters… you will rue the day you’ve crossed me.”

“I’m sorry?” Tarnish wasn’t sure what to say.

The earth pony filly pulled her head back and began to laugh, a bellowing boisterous laugh. She stomped her hoof. “The look on your face… you’re so easy to lead on… ha ha ha!”

His lips pressing into a straight line, Tarnish glared at Limestone. She was still laughing and her eyes glittered with mischievous glee. Limestone had been teasing him almost non stop over the past few days, an endless stream of pranks, jokes, and jabs.

“So, are you going to canoodle my sister? I think she could use a good canoodling.” Limestone had stopped laughing and was now as serious as a stone. “I like the word canoodle.”

“We’ve planned to look at the stars,” Tarnish said to Limestone.

“At some point, when you are not canoodling my sister, I was wondering if you could help me,” Limestone said.

Guarded, expecting another prank, Tarnish dropped his head down to Limestone’s eye level and stared at her, snoot to snoot.

“Seeing as how Pinkie Pie has a stallion that she likes, even though she won’t tell me who, and how Maud has you, I’m thinking that it is time for Marble to have a chat with Sonneur—”

“Limestone, I know you mean well, but you shouldn’t mess around with another pony’s crush… Marble could end up real hurt. This has bad idea written all over it, please, trust me on this, I know when something is a bad idea.”

Limestone, stunned, stood there, her mouth open, unable to say anything. She looked at Tarnish, pulled her head away, glanced around Tarnish, looked over at Marble, and then her eyes moved back to Tarnish. “Perhaps you’re right. Maybe I should just take the direct approach and encourage her, but not get directly involved.”

Tarnish heaved a sigh of relief.

“You know, as potential big brother material, you’re not bad,” Limestone said.

Author's Note

There is something romantic about staring up at burning balls of gas...

Fertile ground

The box contained several books and a bone white envelope. The envelope had a letter from Twilight Sparkle and another letter from Pinkie Pie, a secret letter that he wasn’t supposed to tell Maud about, a letter filled with Pinkie Pie being very, very silly.

Twilight’s letter was more direct and to the point. The books were his to keep. A magic primer, a thin book filled with tiny print whose entire subject matter was about poison joke, a unicorn’s guide to ley lines and the dangers that they pose, as well as several other books.

He opened the book about ley lines, pulling back the heavy stiffened canvas cover. There was a blank page, another almost blank page with a few words of publication information, and there was a warning page.

Warning:

Ley line junctions may be hazardous to your health and disruptive to your magic.

Major intersections have been deemed a fatal risk. This is a subject best studied in your local library, not off adventuring at an on site location. In the back of the book there is a listing of all known locations to avoid at all costs.

Thank you,

Velvet, Yearling, and Heartstrings Publications — Central office, Canterlot, 992SB.

Curious, Tarnished Teapot opened the book to the back and found himself in the ‘s’ listings. He squinted his eyes and tried to see the tiny, almost impossible to read text. It was almost as if they didn’t want ponies reading this information, but due to educational bureaucrats, they had to include it.

Scariest Cave in Equestria, The

“The Scariest Cave in Equestria, eh?” Tarnish lifted his head and closed the book. Maud liked caves. Tarnish was developing an interest in caves. If this was a major intersection of dangerous energies, it probably had spectacular geologic formations. He made a mental note to ask Maud about it as he set his book down.

“Tarnished Teapot, pull your nose out of those books! It is time for dinner!”

At the sound of Cloudy’s voice, Tarnish’s ears perked straight up, going from their more usual splayed out and relaxed position. After two weeks of staying with the Pie family, Tarnish almost lived for the sound of dinner being called. He found that he rather liked gathering around a table for a home cooked meal. He liked the conversation. He liked the togetherness. He set the book down upon his bed and then bounced down on his three good legs, off to join the others.

“Macaroni pie… how does one make a macaroni pie, anyway?” Tarnish looked at the steaming dish.

“Same way you make any other Pie family members,” Limestone replied. “Speaking of little Pies—”

“Limestone! Behave!” Cloudy Quartz’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Sorry,” Limestone ducked her head down. She glanced at her sister Maud and then her mother. “Macaroni pie is pretty easy to make, Tarnish. You cook up the macaroni noodles and then you set them aside after tossing them with a stick or two of butter. You mix eggs and flour together, get all the lumps out, making it almost doughy, and then you add some milk and salt. In a well greased glass casserole dish, you layer noodles, then cheese, then noodles, then cheese, and so on. Add the milk mixture over the noodles and cheese. Cook for almost an hour in a three hundred and fifty degree oven. Once it is done, you pull it out and let it sit for about a half an hour so it can rise and set.”

“Limestone, I am shocked. You’ve been paying attention in the kitchen a lot more,” Cloudy said to her daughter. The mare turned to look at Tarnish. “I also add stale breadcrumbs to the top of mine to make a crust.”

“Tarnish, are you interested in cooking?” Igneous asked as Cloudy began to serve portions of macaroni pie.

“Yes, actually.” Tarnish gave Igneous a sheepish look. “I don’t mind being in the kitchen. I kind of enjoy it.”

“A real stallion is useful anywhere there is work to do.” Igneous began to add tossed salad greens to his plate. One eye narrowed and he looked at Tarnish. “It seems to me that I can’t recall you turning down a single job. You’ve done every job asked of you.”

Maud, looking at her father, blinked. With a slow turn, her head moved and so did her eyes, until she was looking at Tarnish, who was sitting beside her. Maud did not react when Marble slid a plate in front of her.

“You were nice enough to take me in. I just wanted to do the right thing.” Tarnish’s voice was almost squeaky, coltish, he didn’t sound like the sixteen year old colt that he was at all. He sounded very much like a little colt in a too big body.

“Tarnished Teapot, I have a buyer for that big geode. They have already sent a tremendous down payment. The other day when I was in town, I took the liberty of creating a bank account for you.”

Tarnish hung his head. “Thank you, sir.”

“Don’t be so gloomy… I understand your hesitation. It’s hard to be young and learn from your mistakes. It can be humbling. I have it set up in such a way that you can only withdraw money if I myself, Cloudy, or Maud is there in the bank with you, so you can relax about doing something stupid. I plan to put your share of the fire opal geode money in the account as well as your pay that you’ve been earning for everything you do around here.”

Tarnish, stunned, made a strange -hi-yuck- sound as he shuddered. His eyes remained focused on the plate that was now sitting in front of him. It took all of his effort to control his breathing.

“This was Maud and Cloudy’s idea. We wanted to find some way to make sure that you were fairly compensated.” Igneous lifted his fork at the end of his hoof and stabbed a bite of salad.

“You have to have some kind of future, Tarnish,” Maud said in her usual monotone.

“I think he’s about to cry.” Marble’s voice was low and she sounded embarrassed for bringing it up. “Tarnish, nopony will think any less of you if you need to get up and take a moment to yourself.”

Limestone turned her head and looked at her sister, surprised by the verbose outburst. Marble hadn’t said anything all day; it seemed to Limestone that she had been saving it all up for a special occasion. Like now. Limestone looked over at Tarnish just as he was about to say something.

“I’m okay.” Tarnish took a deep breath. “Thank you, all of you.” Tarnish lifted his eyes from his plate for a moment, and then looked around the table, meeting each present pony’s eyes. He then looked down at his plate. The macaroni pie was golden brown, shades of yellow, and little darker bits where the edges had bubbled and become crispy. As he stared, Maud dropped some salad on his plate. He lifted his head, turned to look at her, his eyes watering, and overcome with emotion, he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

Maud froze in mid movement, becoming almost statuesque. She remained frozen for a long moment, even after Tarnish had pulled away. Blinking, Maud thawed. She turned her head to look at Tarnish, the salad tongs still held by her front hooves. She started to set it down in the salad bowl, it fell with a metallic clatter into the wooden basin. Reaching out, Maud placed her hoof against the side of Tarnish’s neck.

For one magical moment, it was as if they were the only two ponies in the room, gazing into each other’s eyes, and Maud’s mouth hung open, a narrow opening, almost as though she was hoping for another kiss.

Reaching out, Cloudy Quartz clamped her fetlock around her husband’s foreleg and squeezed. Behind her glasses, her blue eyes brimmed over with tears.

The kiss did not happen. Instead, Maud and Tarnish both pressed their heads together, nasal bridge to nasal bridge, forehead to forehead, with Maud’s pressing in just below Tarnish’s horn. The pair sat with closed eyes, content to be close to one another.

Still clutching her husband’s leg, Cloudy Quartz smiled a quivering smile, and her mother’s heart began to hope.

Author's Note

:rainbowkiss: - Sappy!

Sampling Maud's Pie

Laying on a blanket, Tarnished Teapot looked up at the stars, his stomach full of macaroni pie. Beside him, Maud Pie was also sprawled out on her back, her forehooves folded and resting upon her barrel.

This was something that they did almost every night now. Sometimes, they talked. Sometimes, no words were needed. They would just lie beside one another and watch the myriad of stars overhead.

“Tarnish, how long have we known one another?” Maud asked.

“I dunno…” Tarnish reached up and scratched his chin. “I’ve spent two weeks here with you on the farm… and we were together for about a week or so during that trip home—”

“Is this place home for you, Tarnish?” Maud turned her head and looked at Tarnish.

“I… um, well, I might have misspoke… I don’t know, I guess I said it without thinking—”

“If you wanted to call it home, you could. It would make me happy.” Maud’s eyes glittered, reflecting the starlight. “It’s been three long weeks. Do you love me?”

“Yes, yes I do… I love you madly in ways that I cannot possibly explain.” Tarnish closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He heard the rustle of fabric beside him and felt something brush up against his side.

Opening his eyes, he saw Maud Pie. She was standing up and he could see her silhouette in the starlight. There was a thump as her belt dropped to the ground. When she started to slide her smock off over her head, Tarnish’s heart picked up speed and he wondered what Maud was up to.

Sitting back on her haunches, Maud folded up her smock, placed it down upon the ground, placed Boulder on top of her folded smock, patted Boulder with her hoof, and then said, “Look after this for me, Boulder.”

“You took your smock off,” Tarnish said.

“There’s no sun for me to get sunburned. I don’t need it.” Maud shivered in the chilly night air. She stepped back onto the blanket and stood looking down at Tarnish. “Look, I can’t make what it is that I want any clearer. I’ve tried dropping hints, but that didn’t work. I’ve been laying out on this blanket with you hoping that you would try to make your move.”

“I wanted to… I really, really wanted to, but I behaved myself… I… I don’t want to mess things up… I don’t want this to end.” Tarnish looked up and discovered that there was something about having a mare looking down at you, her mane tumbling around her face.

“This isn’t ending. This is beginning.” Maud’s voice, a monotone as always, was little more than a whisper. Maud laid down beside Tarnish. “Let me make this clear. This is me hoping that you will make your move.”

“Um…”

“Just be good to me Tarnish.”

“Maud, I… well, I really don’t know what I’m doing, I mean, there was… but I… but then… and when I did it I didn’t think about her and I just wanted to make myself feel good… and… well… I don’t want to let you down and you are the most amazing mare I’ve ever met and I don’t want you disappointed with me and I am so scared right now that I-hmmlph”

Maud silenced Tarnished by sticking her hoof into his mouth. “I’ll make this easy for you. I like when you nibble on my ears and give them little tugs. Start there.” She pulled her hoof from Tarnish’s mouth after she saw him nod. “And just so you don’t worry… I’m on the pill. I went and got some from Doctor Hedge just a few days after we came home.”

Stretching out his neck, Tarnish went to work, nibbling on Maud’s ear.

As Cloudy Quartz moved about the kitchen, fixing lunch, her instincts told her something was amiss. Maud’s mane had been standing up all morning. Seeing it at breakfast had caused a few giggles between the twins, but now, Cloudy was aware that something was off. Maud had been working all morning and so had Tarnish. And unless they had snuck off somewhere for a quick smooch…

No!

Cloudy Quartz took a deep breath as she looked at Maud, who was sitting at the table, drinking water, and taking a bit of a break. The matron of the pie family gnawed her lip for a moment, wondering what to say, what to do.

“Maudlin Persephone Pie… did you—”

“Did I what?” Maud set down her glass of water and looked at her mother. She hadn’t heard her mother use her full name in a long, long time.

“Maud, your mane… it’s been sprung all morning. Did you and Tarnish…” Cloudy let her question fade out, not wanting to make it sound like an accusation.

“So what if we did?” Maud picked up her glass and took a drink.

“Maud… you’re not in trouble… I… I’m your mother and I love you and I worry about you and I want so very much for you to be happy.”

Maud, holding her glass in her folded fetlock, reached up and pointed at her mane with her other hoof. “See this? This right here? This mess? This means I’m happy. Mother, your little filly grew up.”

The back door opened and Tarnished Teapot walked into the kitchen. He stood in front of the door as it closed behind him, took one look around, and then froze. Right away, Tarnish knew that the kitchen was the last place that he wanted to be.

“Hello Tarnish. My mother was just commenting on my mane.” Maud took a sip of water and then lowered the hoof she had been using to point at the crazed mass of curls. She rested it upon the table.

Hanging his head, Tarnish sighed. “I suppose it is time to face the music.”

“I’m very happy for both of you,” Cloudy said as she took a step backwards from Maud. “I should get back to fixing lunch. Igneous will be hungry when he gets back from town.”

Tarnish scooted forward, sidestepped Cloudy, and then sat down beside Maud. He glanced over at the earth pony beside him. Maud Pie, who liked having her ears nibbled. Maud Pie, who always sounded bored and uninterested.

Except for last night, when Tarnish had discovered a way to make Maud make noises, to make Maud respond. He had discovered a way to make Maud make faces. Adorable faces. Funny faces. Silly faces. And all he had to do was…

“Tarnish, you’re breathing hard. Are you alright? Did you bump your bad leg again?”

Maud’s voice snapped Tarnish from his reverie. He blinked, blushed, and looked at Maud. He tried to say something but all that came out was a faint whinny.

“Tarnish?” Maud leaned over, trying to see if Tarnish was okay.

Not knowing what else to do, Tarnish’s head darted forwards and he planted a quick peck upon Maud’s snoot. He then sat back in his chair and began to giggle.

Taking root

“You wanted to see me, sir?” Nervous, Tarnished Teapot sat down in a plain looking chair in the living room of the Pie family farmhouse. Beside him, in another chair, sat Igneous. Tarnish looked at the small wooden table that sat between them and saw a bottle of sarsaparilla identical to the one that Igneous was drinking.

“I wanted to talk with you,” Igneous said in a soft voice. “Have a drink. It’s ice cold.”

Swallowing, Tarnish sat in his chair, too nervous to drink anything. A part of him wondered when Igneous might start yelling. Or asking him to leave. Or when the unpleasantness might start.

“Tarnished Teapot, I have to do the most difficult thing a stallion ever has to do in his whole life.” Igneous paused and took a sip from his bottle. “I have to ask you to look after the happiness of one of my daughters and care for something that I hold dear.”

“Sir?” Tarnish sat forward in his chair, not understanding what was going on.

“I have to step away and let you take over a job that I have done for two decades. Two decades Tarnish, that’s a long time. It started off with changing her diapers, then it was watching her grow, helping her with her hobbies, making certain she got the education she deserved, but overall, the job was just keeping her happy.” Igneous’ eyes narrowed. “You will keep her happy, won’t you?”

Tarnish tried to speak, but all that came out was a squeak. He nodded.

“You need to relax. You’re not in trouble. Trust me, if I was angry, you’d know.” Igneous paused. “Though I must say, there is a part of me that is pretty peeved with the whole idea that you were touching my little girl. But she’s grown up now. And this… this is just part of the job of keeping her happy. Knowing when to let go. I’ve done a good job at this task so far, and I’m not about to screw this up now.” The older stallion took a drink from his bottle.

His mouth dry, Tarnish lifted up the bottle of sarsaparilla on the table and took a sip. The cold liquid felt good on his parched throat. He took another swallow and then looked over at Igneous.

“I do need to know something though,” Igneous said as he leveled his stern gaze upon Tarnish.

“And that is?” Tarnish’s ears pinned back in submission.

“Are you serious about this? Do you love her? If this turns out to be a fling and you break her heart, so help me, I will—”

“Sir, Maud is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You have no idea how scared I am about screwing this up. I uh, well, have, uh, wanted to be closer to Maud for a while now but I held off because I was so scared that I would make a mess of things or that you’d be angry with me and I don’t want you angry with me because what you say, what you feel, and your approval of me matters to me a whole lot and right now I am about to piss myself because I’m so scared of messing this up somehow.”

His eyes narrowing, Igneous nodded. “You have this thing about seeking fatherly approval, or so Marble said.”

Feeling uncomfortable, Tarnish squirmed a bit and nodded. “I suppose I do. I don’t know who my father is and my mother refused to tell me. It bothers me.”

“Don’t do that to Maud…” Igneous shook his head. “I mean it, if you get her fat with foal, get cold hooves, and decide to scram, I really will hunt you down and plant you in an unmarked shallow grave. I want you to think about how much this hurts you and then I want you to think about Maud and a little foal wanting to know where their daddy is.”

Trembling, Tarnish almost dropped his sarsaparilla. “Igneous, will you help me?”

“Help you with what, son?” Igneous replied.

“I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m scared I’m going to make a terrible mistake. I lay awake at night and I think about all of the ways I could mess up the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I am so scared and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to do what is expected of me. My mother was never married and my father was never around.” Tarnish gulped in a deep breath. “I don’t know what it means to be a good mate. A good husband. Or a good father. I don’t have any examples… and Maud deserves the very best.”

His eyes locked on Tarnish, Igneous took a sip from his bottle.

“I’m young and I’m stupid, but I also know that this is one of those once in a lifetime chances. I can’t blow this. I can’t make a mess out of this. It means too much. Help me… please?”

With a slow nod of his head, Igneous spoke in a soft and gentle voice. “I’ll do whatever I can, not just for her sake, but also for yours.”

“Daddy, are you scaring poor Tarnish to death?” Maud, her mane sticking out in all directions, stood in the doorway and stared at her father. “Mama says you’ve talked enough and it is time for lunch.”

“I wasn’t scaring Tarnish to death… we just had a talk and came to an understanding, that’s all.” Igneous took another sip from his bottle and looked at his daughter.

“Uh-huh.” Maud’s ears perked forwards.

“Really, Maud, it’s okay. I was just asking your father for help,” Tarnish said.

Turning her head, Maud looked at Tarnish and then she looked once more at her father. “Hmm. I could have swore that I heard the words ‘unmarked shallow grave’ being said.”

“I have… I have nothing to say in my own defense,” Igneous replied.

Author's Note

Soon, we return to Ponyville.

Fields of blue

Lifting his head, Tarnished Teapot stretched his neck, causing his bones to crackle. He turned his head one way, he then turned his head the other way, and each turn of his head caused even more alarming crickle-crackle noises to come from his neck.

Maud looked up from her book, an almost sleepy expression upon her face.

“I’m fine,” Tarnish said, knowing somehow that Maud was worried. She had pulled her head up out of her own book after all. “Maud, I have an idea… a what do you call it—”

“A theory?” Maud blinked once and then her ears swivelled forwards.

Excited, Tarnish nodded. “Yes, a theory! There are cures for exposure to poison joke. I’m now curious about if those cures would work on ponies after an exposure to me… if it would change things. I’m also wondering if using one of the many cures upon myself would help stabilise my magic for a while. I’ve got ideas Maud… I’ve never really been into studying before, but now I have ideas.”

“Hmm.” Maud tilted her head to one side. “What do you need to make a cure?”

“Well, there is a soap you can make for a bath, but that seems impractical. Always bathing, I mean… this book that Twilight Sparkle sent, there is a recipe for a tea you can brew in here. You need whole stamens of poison joke, both the anthers and the filaments—”

“Tarnish, it sounds as though you’ve actually been studying. Are you getting smarter for me?” Maud asked.

Blushing, Tarnish shrugged. “You do have that double rocktorate. That’s kinda intimidating… anyhow… a whole bunch of stamens are needed, and they need to be dried, the book tells you how to dry them. It recommends that you blend it with black tea leaves. You also need the root of the plant mandragora officinarum. The root needs to be minced and then dried out in rocksalt. The book mentions that the salt can be used for all kinds of things.”

Maud closed her book. She made a few careful mental notes about her planned visit to Ponyville and then considered how this new information might affect her plans. “Tarnish, would you like to go for a walk with me? I know where we can collect all the poison joke we need.”

“I’d like that… but we have to be careful. It is the petals of the poison joke plant that are dangerous. If we bring some home to try and make a tea with, we will need to collect the stamens out in the field and leave behind the petals. We don’t want to bring those into the house.” Tarnish closed his book and then set it down on the low wooden table beside his chair.

“Seems like a waste. Leaving behind the petals I mean. Can’t they be used for anything?” Maud asked.

“They can be dried out and weaponised.” Tarnish’s face became serious. “It doesn’t strike me as a very nice thing to do, and most ponies run the risk of having a violent reaction to the poison joke, unless they’ve been using the cure preemptively—”

“Wait… Tarnish, you can use the cure before exposure?” Maud asked.

“Um, yeah. The book says that a bath with the special soap lasts for a few hours but isn’t very practical because it wears off and things like rain can mess up the lingering effects of the soap. But if you drink the tea, the effects last longer and you can keep drinking the tea.”

Maud made more mental notes and filed them away.

“Says the tea is also an outstanding cure for hay fever and allergies.” Tarnish dropped out of his chair and stood on the floor. “I’ll go get my hat. It’s hot out there.”

Still sitting in her chair, Maud watched as Tarnish went through the door and down the hallway to his room. When she was alone, she said, “Hmm, it’s hot in here, too.”

The Haunted Wood was a little cooler and there was a nice breeze. Maud had borrowed one of her mother’s straw sun hats, it had a broad, floppy brim and a turquoise ribbon around the crown. The pair were in no hurry, there was no urgency in their movements, and moved along at the pace of Tarnish’s three legged hobbling.

“Where are we going to find mandragora plants?” Tarnish asked as Maud stopped to look at a rock lying just off the trail. He watched as Maud picked up the small purple-blue stone and dropped it into a pocket. “Hey… is that sodalite?”

Lifting her head, Maud turned to look at Tarnish. She turned her whole body, took a few steps, and then planted a shy peck upon Tarnish’s lips. She then took a step backwards. “You have been studying.” Maud shrugged. “I’m not sure where we can get mandragora roots. We might want to ask Azalée though. She’s a botanist.”

“We’re alone… we could do a little studying together,” Tarnish said.

“What are you proposing?” Maud asked.

Giddy, Tarnished Teapot began to giggle and he was forced to turn away from Maud. “We could talk about beautiful petals and pollination methods.”

“Uh-huh. We could talk about that. I’m a field geologist though. I prefer the hooves on approach.” Maud peered out from beneath the brim of her sun hat. “No amount of classroom lecture and talking prepares you for actual work in the field.”

At this point, Tarnish was giggling like a school filly. “I wouldn’t mind poking around in the moist earth of your fertile crescent.”

Almost as if it was swatting at a swarm of invisible flies, Maud’s now curly tail swished around her hind legs. The rest of her was statuesque. Her eyes were half open and locked on Tarnish.

“Given enough heat and pressure, I could leave behind sedimentary deposits—”

“Stop… stop… I can only become so aroused,” Maud deadpanned. The mare took a deep breath. “Not here though. I want to lay with you in fields of blue.”

“That’s poetic… and kinda pretty.” Tarnish grinned. “We still have a ways to go. We should get moving.”

“Yes, yes we should.”

Author's Note

How to make Pie

In a shady patch beneath a tree, two ponies lay beside one another upon a soft carpet of blue flowers. Flung out around them were two hats, a bluish-green smock, and a belt. One of them, male, lay upon his back, his head resting upon the earth, and one of his front legs was in a cast. The other, female, was laying on her stomach, her head resting upon the barrel of the colt lying upon his back. Her eyes were closed, her breathing deep and content.

“Tarnish?”

“What Maud?”

“You know, before I met you, I was trying to make peace with the idea that I would be alone. Nopony else ever showed any interest.”

“That’s awful, Maud, I’m sorry.”

“I sort of figured it was my nature… to be as solitary as a stone. Everything else about me is like a stone. My cutie mark really does reflect who and what I am.” Maud’s eyes opened and her head moved, but she did not lift it away from Tarnish’s barrel as she looked over at his muzzle, which was pointing skywards. “When I was in school, I would put my professors to sleep when I gave my dissertations. You would think that if anypony would listen to me talk about rocks, it would be them.”

Lifting his good leg, Tarnish draped it over Maud’s neck. She was warm, somewhat sweaty, her pelt still damp from her exertion. It was hard to work a whinny out of Maud, but Tarnished Teapot knew it could be done.

“That day, when you wouldn’t stop looking at me, when you watched everything I did, and then I gave you the silent treatment to see what you would do, that was a very special day for me. That was the day I knew.”

“You knew that I was interested and I wasn’t paying attention to you just because I was bored?” Tarnish asked.

Feeling surprised, Maud made no outward show of emotion. Tarnish remembered their conversation. Maud sighed, her sides inflating like bellows and then heaving out a sound that was the very embodiment of apathy. “That was the day I knew that you were the one. Maybe it was blind hope, or optimism, but I knew. I have never placed much value in blind hope or optimism before, optimism is Pinkie Pie’s prefered state of being. But all of a sudden, I had hope that I wouldn’t be alone. You hung on my every word. When I went silent, you worried that you had hurt my feelings. You made the assumption that I had feelings and you cared about them.”

“I can’t believe that I thought about leaving.” Tarnish gave Maud a little squeeze.

“You were scared. I was too, even then. I’m scared right now,” Maud said, her voice its usual flat monotone.

Tarnish knew Maud enough to take what she said at face value. Even if she didn’t sound scared, if she said it, then she was. One had to force themselves to take what Maud said in a serious manner, and ignore how she said it.

“Every mare, every filly, wants to know that they are pretty and desirable. It bothers me, but it is true. I think the same is true for stallions and colts… they want to know that they are wanted and somepony needs them.” Maud closed her eyes, her long eyelashes coming to rest upon her cheeks. “You came along and you called me weird. You watched me. You made me feel special, important. You said I was pretty. You made me feel wanted.”

“Oh, I want you, believe me,” Tarnish said.

Maud suffered a moment of feeling like a very, very flustered filly. “See, right now, you and I could be doing something else, but we’re just laying here in the shade talking. That’s how I know that you want me.”

A coltish giggle escaped Tarnish.

“I mean, right now, you’re happy to see me.” Maud’s eyes opened and she gave a sidelong glance at Tarnish. “For some reason, we’re still just talking.”

“Talking is important,” Tarnish replied.

Maud heaved another sigh. “I don’t want this moment to end...”

“Cloudy Pie, you look a bit out of sorts. You okay?” Igneous looked at his wife.

“No, Igneous, I’m not okay.” Cloudy bit down on her lip in a nervous manner, and then began to chew upon it.

“What’s wrong?” Igneous asked.

“Igneous, I’m… I’m…” Cloudy batted her eyelashes at her husband. “Igneous, I’m so happy right now that I’m beside myself and the house is empty and none of our foals are home and we’re all alone and I’m flustered, I feel a little warm Igneous and I—”

“You’re frisky!” Igneous blinked once and then his eyes went wide.

“Yes Igneous, I am feeling frisky. There is love in the air, and it has put me in quite a mood!” Reaching up, Cloudy yanked out the hairpins holding her mane in a tight bun. Her mane spilled down around her neck.

Huffing a bit, Igneous began to breathe a bit heavier at the sight of Cloudy’s mane spilling around her shoulders. He reached up and wiped his brow with the back of his fetlock. “Well then, I suppose it is never too early to go to bed… early to bed, early to rise—”

“Oh no Igneous, not the bed.” Cloudy gave her husband a sultry come-hither stare. “The kitchen table… the same place we made our little Maudlin… when my mother was out of the house and visiting town. All sorts of good things are made in my kitchen.”

Sweating, Igneous remembered that day all too well. He had been called inside by Cloudy. He had entered through the kitchen door and found her bent over the table, her tail hiked up in the air, smiling over her shoulder at him. The memory alone was enough to leave him feeling quite heated and he took a deep breath.

Turning about, Cloudy Quartz flicked her husband in the nose with her tail as she disappeared into the kitchen, giving him an inviting stare over her shoulder.

Author's Note

To make a Pie, you sift some flour and roll some dough on the table...

Casual cannibalism and the devouring of little pies

“Marble, do you ever get the feeling that something weird is going on?” Limestone asked her sister in a low voice, leaning over almost muzzle to muzzle when she spoke. The filly looked at her mother and father; both were acting weird. Tarnished Teapot was acting weird too, as was expected, and Maud… well, Maud was Maud. Other than Maud’s mane sticking out in all directions, Maud hadn’t changed in the slightest.

Chewing her vegetable pot pie, Marble did not reply, but she did look over at her mother, who had a very strange smile upon her face. Shrugging, Marble suspected that her mother was happy because Maud was happy. At least, everypony assumed that Maud was happy. Maud might look like she was about to drop dead from boredom at any moment, but that was normal and nothing to worry about.

“Mom, you went through a lot of work for supper… pot pies are a lot of effort.” Limestone looked down at her food and then lifted her head so she could look at her mother once more.

“Oh, I was feeling spry. And hungry. I was very hungry,” Cloudy replied. She smiled. “I was in the mood to make little pies.”

Coughing, Igneous banged on his barrel with his hoof, his eyes wide, and he gasped as he tried to get much needed air down into his lungs. He set down his spoon, closed his eyes, and sat back in his chair, his barrel rising and falling.

“Something seems off… I’m telling ya, something is weird,” Limestone said.

Blinking once, Maud looked up from her plate. In a stunning monotone she said, “I suspect that mother literally wanted to make little pies. I am reminded of the time when I had to explain to Pinkie Pie that mother wasn’t crying and that Pinkie should not go into mom and dad’s room to make mom feel better.”

There was a loud, shrill squeak from Igneous, followed by a -shlornk!- sound. The clatter of various bits of silverware dropping filled the room. After having dropped her spoon, Marble covered both eyes with her front hooves.

“Mom went through the trouble to make an extra nice supper because of a burst of post coital energy.” Maud looked down at her pot pie, one ear twitched, and then she resumed eating.

“Maud, dearest, I… I am at a loss for words.” Cloudy looked at her oldest daughter, her breathing shallow and she had begun to perspire.

Swallowing, Maud paused between bites to say, “Mom, biology happens.” When the last of the words had left her mouth, she resumed eating.

“Well… this is the part where we awkwardly return to eating supper.” Limestone shuddered and picked up her spoon. The filly took a deep breath, focused on her food, and dug in.

Igneous, having recovered somewhat, and in a hurry to restore normalcy, asked Tarnish, “Would you mind passing the baked beans?”

Inside of the old silo, the very silo where Pinkie Pie had thrown her very first party, Tarnished Teapot looked over all of his hard work. A great many poison joke stamens were spread out on tables to dry out.

He thought about his cutie mark, his purpose, and his destiny. Perhaps he wasn’t cursed. Perhaps his destiny wasn’t to suffer from his cutie mark and odd magic; but instead, maybe some glorious future awaited him, a future that involved him studying poison joke.

It had been a painful moment to realise that he could have tried taking responsibility for his own future four years ago when his cutie mark had appeared. He could have tried looking for answers then. He could have picked up a book, asked questions, he could have tried doing something.

But he had done none of those things. He had sat back and allowed life to happen. He allowed himself to be the victim, and then, when something happened, Tarnish would make excuses, saying that it couldn’t be helped.

Only now, he was starting to believe that it could be helped. He was starting to believe that his talent made him special. It was an empowering thought, one that made Tarnished Teapot feel good about himself.

“Is it safe for me to be in here?”

Tarnish turned around and saw a purplish-grey filly. “Hello Marble… it’s safe. The petals of poison joke are dangerous.”

Marble took a few more steps and then had a look around. “Can we talk?”

“I don’t see why not… what did you have in mind?” Tarnish replied. He saw Marble blush, her face turning a much darker shade of purple.

“You’re a colt… and I wanted to know how I would go about getting your attention—” Marble squeaked and then shook her head. “No no no! Not your attention… but getting a colt’s attention in general.”

“Marble, I don’t know. Not all colts are the same.” Tarnished Teapot smiled and tried to put the filly at ease.

“Sonneur… he’s amazing. He reads a lot of the same books I do. Did you know that Sonneur is a Fancy word that means ringer? I’m so shy though, and so is he.” Marble stared down at her front hooves and sighed.

“You’ve been talking to me… I’m a colt,” Tarnish said, trying to be helpful but not knowing what to say.

“You’re different.”

“How am I different?”

“You’re Maud’s colt… and you haven’t tried to flirt with me even once.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, see, I know that you’re harmless and I’ve seen the way you look at Maud, it is the same way that papa looks at mama and I’ve talked with Maud and she’s told me how you hang on her every word and watch everything she does and… and… oh Tarnish, I want that for myself so badly… I’m so alone that it hurts. Limestone makes it seem so easy to make friends. She can just walk into a room and be the life of the party and sometimes I hate her for it.” Marble closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“The only thing I can say is that you should try showing him that you’re interested somehow.” Tarnish thought about his suggestion and a solitary wrinkle appeared upon his nasal bridge. “Maybe you can go up to him and ask him if he would like to trade books sometime? And if he says yes, you could try leaving a little note tucked in the pages. Be direct and just say exactly what you want. He’ll appreciate that.”

Marble’s head lifted, her eyes opened, and a beaming smile spread across her muzzle. “Oh… that’s brilliant! That’s a good idea! Thank you!” Letting out a fillyish squeal, Marble turned tail and ran out of the silo.

As she was going out the door, she bumped into Maud. Marble bounced in place a few times, almost pronking, kissed Maud on the cheek, and then ran away, leaving Maud standing there, looking bored and sleepy.

“Now you’re just showing off… winning the affection, love, and trust of my sister.” Maud blinked, stepped inside, and pulled the door shut behind her. “Marble means the world to me. All of my sisters mean the world to me. And you’ve been nice to all of them.”

Tarnish shrugged. “I never had sisters growing up. I was an only foal. I like having them around.”

“I came out to tell you, mama is putting a record on the phonograph and we were going to have a listen before we went to bed. You should join us… these family moments are important to us and our Pie family values.” Maud looked into Tarnish’s eyes and gave him a sleepy stare. “Family is very important to me Tarnish. It is how I define my existence and safeguard myself from existential angst when I feel a cold, unfeeling universe that is hostile towards my existence pressing in upon me. During those moments, I panic and I suffer a crisis, terrified of having to endure a meaningless existence devoid of any comfort or familiarity. Having a family gives me peace of mind.”

“If I follow you inside, will you explain whatever it is that you just said to me?”

Author's Note

Dat title.

Rampant growth

“And just where do you think you are going?” Cloudy Quartz raised her eyebrow in the sort of way that only an intimidating matron could. Her mouth shrank into a tiny puckered line and her ears pitched forwards.

“To work, there are things that need to be done—”

“Oh no you don’t. You have a new job now. You hit the books or you’ll be sitting funny for a week!” Cloudy pointed at the kitchen table. “You get in there and study. You’ve fallen behind in your education and that’s disgraceful! You just settle in and study whatever it is that you need to study for that project you’re working on.”

“But I—”

“Don’t sass me!” Cloudy’s eyebrow raised.

“But there—”

“I said not to sass me!” Cloudy raised her voice and her eyes narrowed.

Head down, tail tucked between his legs, Tarnish went back to his room for his books, not even daring to look back over his shoulder at Cloudy Quartz. He could hear her impatient snorting. Something about it frightened him a great deal.

The midmorning sun was shining through the window when Tarnished Teapot raised his head and stretched his neck. The kitchen was empty. The others were out working or doing whatever, with the exception of Cloudy, who had gone to Rock Haven to ship baked goods.

It had been so long since Tarnish had studied anything that he had almost forgotten how to study. At first, there was reading, which gave him a basic grasp of the subject matter, but now, he was taking notes and writing down ideas for experiments to try later.

What he needed was his own garden of poison joke, which would not be hard to grow. One only needed a ley line and a steady flow of irregular magic, which the Pie family farm had. There was still the concern of having poison joke around the Pie family though. He and Maud were immune to the effects; Tarnish was certain that the others would succumb.

Tarnish still did not understand how his magic interacted with the world. Ley line instabilities caused an irregular flow of magic, which warped and mutated the world in the immediate vicinity around the phenomenon. His own magic, which Tarnish now suspected was irregular, when it interacted with the irregular magic of an unstable area, produced regularity or stability.

It did not make sense, no matter how much Tarnish thought about it. Two irregularities should interact and produce even more chaos, more irregularity, multiplying the effect, but that did not seem to be the case.

Which called in to question the very nature of poison joke. What purpose did it serve and why did it cause trouble? At one point, poison joke had been plentiful, covering much of Equestria, growing where there were instabilities both minor and major. Much of the poison joke had been purged. Ponies had gone after it with a vengeance, burning it away with fire, attacking it with magic, poisoning it with herbicide. Now, poison joke grew in isolated places, out of reach places, and places where ponies had trouble going because of hostile magic.

And then, quite without warning, the young colt Tarnished Teapot suffered The Thought. If his magic mimicked poison joke and his magic stabilised magical irregularities, what if poison joke was beneficial? What were ponies doing to the earth and the environment by burning, chopping, and cutting away poison joke? Only the petals were bad… one researcher had called them ‘concentrated bad magic’ and had stated that the petals had to be avoided at all costs.

But in Tarnish’s further studies, it was only the petals that were bad. Every other part of the plant had some beneficial property. The pistil structure was useful. The ovary, the style, and the stigma were all useful. The stamens had a myriad of uses, all of them good. Various parts of the plant were used to cure all manner of magical maladies, ailments, illnesses, and sicknesses. Clover the Clever had discovered that the cure for exposure to bad magic, which could be lethal for a unicorn, was found right there at the source of the problem, the poison joke flower. A powerful restorative elixir could be brewed that would purge the stricken unicorn of bad magic. Even just eating the pedicels of the poison joke flower could ease exposure to bad magic, but one had to endure the effects of exposure to the petals.

He thought of the Haunted Wood and the twisted trees. Magic had ravaged the land, destroying everything, mutating the plants and the wildlife, but in the grove with the poison joke, the trees, while still twisted, were much healthier. He thought of the Everfree forest, which was dark, spooky, twisted, full of hostile magic, and much of the poison joke was being eradicated from the outer edges of the forest. The forest which would not stop growing and could not be contained.

And then came the final thought, an idea, a fixation, an obsession that almost bordered upon mania. All of it needed to be studied. Tarnish realised that he could spend the rest of his life trying to get answers to these questions, these thoughts, these ideas.

Alone in the kitchen, Tarnish was unaware that his body had undergone a profound change. His cutie mark, a poison joke flower, had grown. Now, the single bloom had company, two smaller blue buds that had grown. Little tendrils had sprouted.

After long remaining dormant, Tarnished Teapot finally experienced the healthy growth that a pony went through when their cutie mark appeared. The change was profound. Alone, sitting in the Pie family kitchen, Tarnished Teapot believed that he had purpose.

Tended, nurtured, cultivated, the weed had blossomed, and now had to make up for lost time.

Excuse me, but you have a blossom on your butt

“Tarnished Teapot, I am going to Ponyville and I will be gone for a—”

Maud Pie fell silent mid-sentence. She stood there, her sleepy looking eyes focused upon Tarnish, who was sitting in a chair at the kitchen table. She blinked once and then became downright statuesque. After what seemed like a brief eternity, she blinked again. She stepped forwards, her ears swivelling around and extending out over her eyes. After reaching Tarnish’s side, she reached out with her hoof and poked Tarnished Teapot, booping him right on the cutie mark.

“What’s going on, Maud?”

“You tell me.” Maud lifted her gaze and looked Tarnish in the eye. She poked Tarnish again. “You have a soft backside.”

Bending his neck, Tarnish looked down, trying to see why Maud was poking him. He didn’t see anything out of place. His eyes narrowed and then he looked at Maud. “Is something wrong?”

“Your cutie mark… it’s grown.” Maud poked the colt in the backside again.

“What?” Tarnished Teapot refocused upon his hip. He squirmed in his chair, trying to get a better look. “AAAAAAAAH! There’s little buds on my cutie mark! Even my cutie mark is out of control and trying to prank me!”

“Tarnish, calm down—”

“Why does everything have to be weird!”

“Tarnish, just calm—”

“Why can’t anything about my life be normal? Everything is weird! My magic is weird! I’m weird! I’m crazy in love with a weird mare who is making my life weirder! And now my magical butt weed is growing… I’ll be taken over with flowers!”

“Tarnish—”

“WEIRD! WHY IS EVERYTHING WEIRD!”

Maud, a hardcore pragmatist, did the only thing she could think of. She jammed her muzzle against Tarnish’s, shutting him down with a kiss and some high powered suction. She reared up on to her hind hooves, got her front legs around Tarnish’s neck, and then went to work to clear the disturbed colt’s mind.

Pulling away just enough to break the lip lock, Maud remained snoot to snoot with Tarnish. “Say that part again… the part about being crazy in love with a weird mare that is making your life weirder. I like that.”

The colt closed his eyes, threw his legs around Maud’s neck, mindful of his cast, and then pulled her close in a hug that expressed his need for her. He took a deep breath, very much like a swimmer getting a lungful of air before a dive, and then smooshed his lips against Maud’s. His good front leg slipped from Maud’s neck and then snaked around her middle, sliding over the fabric of her smock. She was warm in a pleasant way, she had been walking, and Tarnish’s thoughts became a jumble, overwhelmed by the different sensations of the moment. Maud’s lips against his, her warm body, the way she smelled, his own confusion, it all added up to one euphoric moment that threatened to overwhelm him.

He pulled away and looked Maud in the eye. After taking a moment to recover his thoughts, he blinked once, then twice, and then asked, “Why are you going to Ponyville?”

“Business.” Maud disentangled herself from Tarnish’s embrace and then dropped down to all fours. “There is something I need from you. I need that restorative tea recipe. Can you make me a copy?”

“Yeah, sure... what’s going on?” Tarnished Teapot asked.

“You’ll see. Just stay here and keep studying. I think it’s been good for you.” Maud climbed up into a chair beside Tarnish and then leaned on the table. “I don’t know what is going to happen in the next few days. Whatever does happen, just remember, no matter what takes place, I love you and that will not change. I am the rock. I am your rock.”

“Maud, what’s going on?”

“Tarnish, I have to ask you to trust me. I don’t want to spoil the surprise or get your hopes up. I’ll send word back home if this works. Don’t worry, Limestone and Marble will both know to go to town to check for telegraphs.”

“Okay.” Tarnish started to look down at his cutie mark once more, but his movements were halted by Maud’s hoof under his chin. He looked at her. There was no expression upon her face, but her ears were perked forwards. Her smock was rumpled and needed to be smoothed out. Her mane was a mess of tight, poofy curls. The seriousness of her face and the curly mane was too much for Tarnish to bear. He began to giggle.

Reaching out with his good leg, he took Maud’s fetlock in his, gazed into her eyes, and then kissed her fetlock, pressing his lips down upon the joint. He began to work his way up her leg, planting little kisses as he went.

Maud, sitting in her chair, watched with almost unblinking eyes as Tarnish continued with his romantic gesture of affection. A peculiar sensation overcame her, but she could not say what it was, only that she felt light, almost as though she might float away.

“Tarnish, tell me how weird I am…”

Frustrated, Tarnished Teapot shook his mirror. “Twilight? Are you there?”

There was a crackle and then Twilight’s smiling face appeared in the mirror. “Hello?”

“Something happened Twilight, something really strange, and I’m kinda worried about it.” Tarnish looked down into the mirror, trying to study Twilight’s face.

“Calm down and tell me what is going on.”

Tarnish took a deep breath and then blurted out what he wanted to say. “My cutie mark has changed. There was only one little poison joke flower there before, now there are two little buds growing off of it and I think I know when it happened and I was having all these thoughts and I don’t know what is going on. Cutie marks aren’t supposed to change.”

In the mirror, Twilight Sparkle shook her head. “Um, cutie marks can change. Princess Cadance’s cutie mark changed. When she became the Empress of the Crystal Empire, her heart cutie mark became a crystal heart. When she grew and evolved, so did her cutie mark.”

“What?” Tarnished stared down into his mirror, stunned.

“There are other examples of this happening, but no one has really studied the phenomenon, at least not since Star Swirl the Bearded. We know that cutie marks can change, but we don’t understand the how or the why. Just that they do.”

“I see.” Peering into the mirror, Tarnish tried to wrap his mind around the new information. “When Princess Cadance’s cutie mark changed, did anything else about her change?”

“Her magic got stronger. She manifested the might of the Crystal Empire and she gained some new crystal based spells. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t know as much about this as I should, I need to do a study and ask Cadance some questions.”

“Twilight?”

“Yes Tarnish?”

“Do you know anything about Maud’s trip to Ponyville?”

“Tarnish, I suspect you’ll be finding out soon enough, but I can’t tell you. I promised that I wouldn’t. Sorry, it was a Pinkie Pie promise.”

“I understand.” Tarnish peered into the mirror. There were so many things he wanted to tell Twilight. His insights. His ideas. His thoughts on poison joke. He wanted to blurt out so many different things. He wanted to tell Twilight that he was in love, and that being forced out into the world was the greatest thing that had ever happened to him. A million different things all danced upon the tip of his tongue. Instead, all that came out were a few simple words.

“Thank you, Twilight, for being a friend and listening to me. Thank you for everything. Thank you for the books. I think I understand my purpose now, and it’s all because of you…”

Author's Note

Soon.

A vital part of nature

Alone. One never knows how much they needed somepony until they were alone. For Tarnish, the realisation that he needed Maud was world changing. Without her, the world seemed like a bleak place. As bad as it was, at least he had others to find solace in.

Maud had been gone for four days; three days that felt like they were stretching into infinite length. Today was the fourth day. Tarnish had tried calling Twilight Sparkle on his mirror, but there had been no answer. He suspected that Twilight Sparkle was busy doing other things and that he wasn’t being ignored; something was being done that took Twilight Sparkle’s attention.

It didn’t change the fact that Tarnish had been hopeful that if he talked to Twilight, Maud might be there and he might be able to see her in the mirror. Tarnish had discovered the dramatic downside to being lovesick; separation. All of Tarnish’s thoughts were consumed with Maud. Her quiet demeanour. Her subtle humour that one had to pay attention to witness. The little whinnies, nickers, and snorts she made when Tarnish held her close and gave Maud’s buttons a good working over.

As painful as it was, the separation was a good thing. Tarnished Teapot now knew beyond any doubt how much he loved Maud.

“You there… little moping colt, help me slice potatoes,” Cloudy Quartz said as she prodded Tarnish with her hoof. “Stop looking sad, it’s awful to look at.”

“Sorry.” Tarnish looked at the basket of washed potatoes, the sharp knife, the cutting board, and Cloudy. Slumping down in his chair, he lifted the knife in his telekinesis, grabbed a potato, and began slicing off half inch thick sections.

“She’ll be back.” Cloudy’s eyes narrowed. “You have it bad. Poor dear… as Maud’s mother, I’m kind of flattered that my daughter has this sort of hold over you, but as somepony that cares about you, I’m kind of worried that my daughter has this sort of hold over you.”

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Several slices of potato fell upon the cutting board. Tarnish fell into a rhythm, his magic almost acting in an autonomous manner. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. He picked up the sliced potatoes and placed them into a bowl. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. More potatoes fell under the knife. He looked over at Cloudy. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. “What are we fixing for lunch?”

“Potatoes and cabbage au gratin, with creamed corn and hot fried fritters,” Cloudy replied.

“Maud likes cabbage.”

“Tarnished Teapot… snap out of it! Please, you’re breaking my heart… I can’t bear to see you like this!” Cloudy watched as more potatoes were sliced. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. As Cloudy watched the knife slip through more potatoes, she suffered a horrible thought. What if Maud was suffering just as much at Tarnish, but showed no outward signs? Cloudy shook her head. Pinkie Pie would know if Maud was lovesick and Pinkie Pie would do everything she could to cheer her sister up. Plus, Cloudy Quartz wanted to believe that Maud was a good, strong, sensible type, and not one that would pine away.

She scowled. Tarnished Teapot on the other hoof, he was the romantic sort. He was given to pining away, moping, heavy sighs, and sleepless nights. He was dedicated, he was in love, and he was unbearable to be around. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Sitting in a chair, in her kitchen, next to the colt that she knew was doing things to her daughter, Cloudy Quartz took solace in the only thing a mother in her position could take solace in. She thought about the sounds of little hooves running in her house, making messes, knocking things over, and she looked at Tarnish. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. He wasn’t ready, at least not yet. Tarnish still needed time to grow up a bit and mature. Still, life didn’t always wait for age or maturity and things tended to happen on their own schedule.

“You’re staring at me.” Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Cloudy Quartz blinked. “I was admiring how perfectly you slice those potatoes. You don’t even look at them.”

“I can feel everything with my telekinesis. I’m learning how to feel everything around me so I don’t have to look. I can just feel the shape of the potato and know where to cut.” Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Tarnish realised that the potatoes in the basket were almost gone; it would be time to start upon the cabbage very soon. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

“So those magic primers you’ve been reading have been helpful?” Cloudy asked.

Tarnish nodded. “Very much so.” Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

The kitchen door slammed open and a frustrated looking Limestone stomped into the kitchen. She was dirty, angry, and her nostrils were flaring. “It’s doing it again!”

“What’s doing what again?” Tarnish looked up from his potatoes.

“The water pump! The water is falling in the wrong direction!”

“Limestone Pie! Get out of my kitchen you dirty filly! Get out! Get out!” Cloudy flew from her chair and began to wave her hoof at Limestone. “Go on! Get out! What have I told you about coming into my kitchen all dirty?”

“But mom, there is no water to wash with!”

“GET OUT!”

Tilting his head, Tarnished watched as the water dripped upwards. That was odd. There was still water in the water reservoir, but it was all at the top of the reservoir, floating somehow. He pulled the lever that opened the water spigot. The water came rushing out and then went skywards in a stream, pouring upwards at the sky.

Tarnish watched the water pour upwards, slackjawed.

Not quite certain what to do, Tarnish thought about what he knew. The water on the Pie family farm came from far beneath the ground. The ground that was infused with unstable magic. Which meant that the water was also infused with unstable magic. Which meant that the entire family was drinking water infused with unstable magic. And now, the water was misbehaving. Tarnish thought about the effect of the water upon equines; if it could flow upwards into the sky, there was no telling what it was doing to equines who drank it. No wonder Trixie had experienced troubles staying here on the rock farm.

Watching the water defy gravity, Tarnish thought back to meeting Limestone for the first time. Limestone had talked about the water here on the farm. HI! You look thirsty. Would you like some water? We have good water here, it has a nice mineral flavour that is kinda pleasant and not bitter because we had the well dug down really, really deep. It does taste a little coppery but it isn’t as bad as one might think…

Something else nagged at Tarnish in the back of his mind. Something big. Something important. The water deep in the ground. Unstable magic. Ley lines. Poison joke. Not much grew in this soil. Something lurked, an idea that didn’t want to be thought about just yet, but still somehow made its presence known. Tarnish shoved the distraction from his mind and his horn glowed with a fierce light. He gave the water pump and the reservoir a good zapping, not even understanding why he did it, but casting on instinct.

The running water changed and began pouring down into the dirt. The water in the reservoir splashed down to the bottom of the large tank and sloshed around.

“You fixed it!”

A second later, Tarnish was almost bowled over when Limestone plowed into him and wrapped her legs around his neck. He struggled to remain standing on three legs and then the colt laboured to even keep breathing. Limestone was strong and no doubt, this was a gentle squeeze.

“What did you do, Tarnish?” Cloudy asked.

“I don’t know,” Tarnish gasped in reply as Limestone continued to squeeze. “My magic stabilises unstable things… that is the purpose of poison joke… that is how nature restores the balance… I am a vital part of nature.”

The gushing water was starting to form a puddle. Limestone let go of Tarnish and began stomping in the puddle. She splashed mud everywhere, even getting some on her mother, causing Cloudy to roll her eyes and shake her head. Tarnish reached out with his telekinesis and pulled the lever, turning the water off.

“I am a vital part of nature,” Tarnish repeated to himself.

Author's Note

Soon, very soon, we return to Ponyville.

Back to the beginning

Scratching away with a pencil, Tarnished Teapot was outlining an idea that might allow plants to grow here on the Pie Family Rock Farm if poison joke was planted. He had tried to think of everything, including making certain that everypony had a steady supply of preventative cure. The general idea was, if poison joke cleaned the soil and water of disruptive corrupted magic, then stuff should grow again. At least, that was the idea. He was not a farmer however, and had no idea what sort of things were ideal to grow in this area. Cabbages and potatoes seemed like things that should grow anywhere, so he had written those in as placeholder vegetables. Setting down his pencil, Tarnished Teapot heaved a sigh and thought of Maud.

Maud, who he could bounce ideas off of, and she would make his ideas clearer, better, she had a knack for refining a half baked idea into something worthy. Maud would know what sort of vegetables would grow best in this region. Maud would point out flaws, help him understand how to set up better controls. All of this drove home an important point. He needed Maud.

When he heard the kitchen door open, Tarnished Teapot looked up from his work. He saw Marble coming in. She moved with complete silence over the floor, approaching him with a shy smile, the sort of smile that Tarnish could not help but feel hopeful when he saw it.

“Telegram here. You need to be on the six in the evening train to Ponyville. We need to get you to Rock Haven, it’s past four thirty and going on five o’clock.” Marble sat down in a chair at the kitchen table, took a deep breath, shook her head, and then smiled at Tarnish.

Trying to remain calm, Tarnished Teapot closed his notebook. He felt panic creeping up inside of him and a tightness in his stomach. Ponyville. The place where he was banished from. It seemed that he was allowed to return. He wondered what was about to happen. Looking up from his book, his gaze fell upon Marble.

“Let me put this up and then I guess I’m ready to go at any time.”

There was no train station in Rock Haven, but there was a train stop. Tickets were sold in the general store - post office - doctor’s office. Beside the tracks there was a simple lean-to shelter and a bench. Scattered around the shelter and the bench was a patch of gravel, so somepony waiting in the rain wouldn’t become too muddy.

“Dear, try to just relax and enjoy the ride. Everything will be okay, you’ll see,” Cloudy Quartz said to Tarnished Teapot in a soft voice that was filled with motherly love. “I’ve packed you some sandwiches for the trip. They’re in your saddlebag. There is also some fudge, some popcorn balls, and a few other treats. It’s okay to eat if you’re nervous, lots of ponies do it.” She glanced over at Limestone as she spoke.

“Give Maud our love.” Igneous pushed his hat back on his head and looked at Tarnish. “And Pinkie Pie too, if you happen to see her.”

Tarnish nodded. “I will.”

“Are you coming back home to us?” Marble asked, her eyes wide as she made her question. “You don’t plan to stay in Ponyville, do you?”

Turning his head, the colt looked at Marble. “I don’t think I’ll be allowed to stay in Ponyville… and Ponyville is no longer my home.”

“Then you’ll be coming back to us?” Marble asked. She gave a sidelong glance to her mother and her father and then looked at Tarnish. “I mean to say, things are working out between you and Maud… both of you are very close… and, uh, that’s how families happen is when two ponies love one another and… um…” The filly fell silent and pressed up against Limestone, unable to finish.

“I don’t know what the future holds, Marble,” Tarnish said. As he spoke, a train whistle could be heard. “But I have no intentions of giving up what I have with Maud. I will follow her to the ends of the earth.”

“Here comes the train.” Limestone peered down the tracks, looking east. “Tarnish, keep my sister’s mane all curly, it looks good on her.”

Flustered, Tarnished Teapot blushed at the filly’s words. As he started to turn his head, he was surprised by a kiss on his cheek. He saw Cloudy in the edge of his vision.

“I always wanted a little colt… I never got one.” Cloudy blinked away a few tears. “Come back to us Tarnish. This is your home now.”

Chugging, the train pulled into the stop, billowing steam and making a ruckus. It came to a stop, blew its whistle, and nopony was getting off. The conductor stuck his head out of the door and looked at the family gathered together.

“We gotta get moving if we’re going to keep to the schedule! All aboard who's coming aboard!”

Surrounded, Tarnish felt solid bodies pressing in from all sides and heard the sounds of goodbyes being said. It was an odd experience for him, unique, and for some reason, he thought of his last couple of goodbyes, which involved him being run out of town.

This was a place he could return to.

The train barreled along through the darkness, rocking back and forth along the track. Tarnish, much to his surprise, was alone. There were other ponies on the train, but there was not one, but two empty cars. The conductor said that a whole bunch of ponies would be getting on the train in Ponyville, and then they would continue on to Las Pegasus.

Tarnish was terrified something would go wrong, and he avoided using his magic at all costs, even though he suspected that his magic was not the culprit, but he himself. Thinking of Cloudy’s advice, he pulled out a sandwich that had been wrapped in wax paper and sealed with cellophane tape. He tore away the wrapper with his teeth and sniffed. The wax paper fell into his saddlebag, much to his relief. It would have been hard to hoof it.

“Oooh… hey, lucky day… egg salad sandwich… with little minced up bits of gherkins.”

He stuffed his sandwich into his mouth, bit off the corner, and started chewing. He looked out the window, but couldn’t see anything except his own reflection in the glass. He watched himself eating his sandwich. The colt in the window looked like a very different colt than one who had left Ponyville in what felt like an age ago. His mane was a little longer and hung in his eyes. It needed a bit of a trim. Tarnish couldn’t put a hoof on what it was that was different, but he entertained the idea that perhaps, he had grown up a little and it showed.

He ate more of his sandwich, chewing in silence, contemplating his immediate future. He thought about his mother, he thought about Ponyville, he thought about Twilight Sparkle, and with all of these troubling thoughts, he took solace in thinking about Maud.

Ahead, Ponyville awaited.

Author's Note

Next chapter... Ponyville.

A weed is watered

As the train began to slow, Tarnished Teapot’s pulse began to quicken. His mouth went dry. He could see the distant lights of Ponyville ahead, the soft faint glimmers of lights in windows. Not all ponies went to bed at responsible hours.

He heard the train whistle and felt a rising sense of panic. There was bound to be a crowd at the train station. How many ponies would he affect with his magic? How much disruption would there be? Would there be trouble? Would something happen that was beyond his control? Was he little more than a dangerous magical contaminant that had no place in society? Was leaving the rock farm a mistake?

A whimper escaped Tarnish’s lips. Fearful, insecure, Tarnish felt very alone, so alone that it was painful. He felt his stomach churn and the muscles around his groin clenched as stress began to take a toll upon his body. A most peculiar desire overcame Tarnished Teapot and he felt a desperate need for the comfort of a pony.

A pony not Maud.

More than anything, he longed to hear the reassuring voice of Cloudy Quartz.

She would tell him that it would be okay. That he was being silly. She would scold him if necessary to get his attention. But she would make things better. She would somehow soothe his frazzled nerves. She would know just what to say to calm him down. She would make everything better.

His need to hear Cloudy Quartz’s voice became a painful ache.

Something clattered atop the train and Tarnished Teapot was startled into alertness. On reflex, his horn ignited, glowing with a brilliant blue light. He looked around, wide eyed, wondering what had just thumped on top of the roof of the train. He could hear the screech of the brakes now and the train was coming to a rapid stop. He could feel himself wanting to pitch forward in his seat as the train eased its way into the station.

The door to the train car opened. Tarnish wasn’t certain who he would see, but he expected the train conductor. That was not who stepped through the door. There was a flash of lavender and then, there she was. Her mane was mussed and her feathers looked a little disheveled.

“Princess…” Tarnish’s horn went dim and he felt even more fear welling up from within him. “Was that you on the roof?”

A sheepish grin appeared upon Twilight Sparkle’s face and she nodded. “The landing was a little rougher than I thought it would be. Rainbow Dash made it sound so easy… anyhow… I am here to let you know that when we depart the train, we’ll be departing on the side away from the station, to minimise exposure.”

“Okay.” Tarnish’s voice was a shrill squeak of fear.

“Tarnished Teapot?”

“Yes?”

“Maud has been very insistent on fixing things… a lot has happened. Zecora made the tea from that recipe and I drank it and right away, something happened that I can’t quite describe, but I feel so bad for what I’ve done… I should never have banished you, I believe something clouded my thinking. I feel so guilty… can you forgive me?” Twilight Sparkle looked at Tarnish, her expression hopeful.

“Of course… no hard feelings,” Tarnish said. Even as he spoke, he knew there were plenty of hard feelings, but none of them were directed at Twilight. Only the circumstance and the situation.

“It’s still not safe to have you around though. I’ve set up a very nice tent just outside of Ponyville. I hope you understand, and I really hope that you don’t feel hurt by this.” Twilight Sparkle started forwards, walking down the aisle towards Tarnish.

“I understand. This isn’t about me, this is about keeping others safe. We both have an obligation to do our best for others,” Tarnish said in a low voice. He watched as Twilight approached. His churning stomach was almost too much to bear and he worried that he might be sick. The train lurched to a complete stop and the steam whistle tooted.

“Welcome home, Tarnished Teapot. Welcome back to Ponyville.”

The night air was cool and as Tarnished Teapot was lifted off of the bottom step of the train by Twilight Sparkle, he took a deep breath. She didn’t want him stumbling, falling down, and hurting himself in the loose dirt. He felt his three hooves touch down upon the soil and began to look around, taking in his surroundings.

Much to his disappointment, there was no Maud Pie to greet him. His disappointment was crushing. He expected Maud to be here to greet him. Where was she? Why hadn’t she come? His stomach did more flip flops.

Twilight Sparkle, her horn glowing, made a gesture for Tarnish to follow. “Come on, it is a short walk, I promise. Maud is waiting for you.” Twilight Sparkle gave Tarnish a reassuring smile. “Maud tells me that you get around pretty good on three legs.”

Nodding, Tarnish had no words to answer. He followed after Twilight, hobbling after her as she picked up her pace. She was heading for the woods in the distance, walking through the high grass of the meadow. Fireflies flitted about, stars twinkled overhead, and a soft breeze blew a sweet scent that came from the direction of the forest.

Overhead, a pegasus was flying loop de loops in the starry sky, laughing, and carrying on. Tarnished glanced up, trying to see who it was, trying to guess who it might be, but their form was indistinguishable in the dark.

Ahead, in the treeline, Tarnish saw lights. Squinting, he saw a structure. Twilight had said a tent, but what he saw was not a tent, but more of a pavilion. It was a massive structure, something almost like a princess would have if she had to go roughing it. It was circular and had a tall, peaked roof.

“I really hope the tent will be comfortable for you. There are cushions inside, a rug has been placed over the ground, and I tried to make it as comfortable as possible. I didn’t want you feeling bad because you had to stay in a tent,” Twilight Sparkle said as she trotted ahead of Tarnish.

“Thank you, Twilight.”

They were close now. The tent, nestled just inside of the treeline, loomed large in Tarnish’s vision. The tall peak appeared to be held up by a stove pipe, and smoke curled up into the starry night sky. Twilight plunged through the trees and Tarnish followed.

Twilight Sparkle came to a stop standing to the left of the flap that served as a door. She turned to look at Tarnished Teapot, her expression soft, but serious and full of purpose. She cleared her throat and then she started to speak.

“You and I will talk later. Other issues are far more important. I will be out to see you sometime tomorrow morning. Again, Tarnished Teapot, I am very, very sorry for everything that has happened. I must be going.” Using her magic, Twilight Sparkle pulled back the flap and gestured for Tarnish to go inside.

Stepping through the flap, Tarnish peered around, letting his eyes adjust to the dim light. The first thing he saw was Maud; she was lounging on a cushion beside the small cast iron stove in the middle of the tent. Beside her, on a short wooden table, there was a steaming teacup and a saucer with a few scones.

There was a loud noise, almost like a goose honking, and then Tarnish saw a blur rushing towards him. He had no time to react, no means to defend himself, a second later, something collided with him with an almost concussive force. He was knocked from his hooves and he fell down, his body hitting the rug that covered the ground.

Seeing actual stars, Tarnished blinked, trying to clear his vision, and then he heard the most horrible sound he had ever heard in his whole life. It took him several seconds to realise that what he was hearing was another pony weeping. He felt two legs close around his neck, almost cutting off his air, and his head was slammed into a warm, fuzzy something.

The whole thing was confusing, and Tarnish didn’t know what was going on. He tried to wiggle free, but couldn’t. The legs around him were long and cream coloured. There was a flash of blue in his vision. He squirmed around, trying to see what was going on, but he was being smothered. Something covered his face and he went blind, unable to see anything at all.

“Pinny?” Tarnish asked in a muffled voice.

There was another dreadful sounding honk, followed by coughing, and more wailing. The forelegs around his neck closed in and became so tight that for a moment, Tarnish was unable to breathe at all. He wiggled, squirmed, and tried to push away with his good leg. The grip loosened a little, and then for reasons he couldn’t understand, Tarnish began crying. The sound of wailing in his ears was too much to bear. It was the sound of pain, horrible pain, and Tarnish could not stand to hear it.

There was a confusing moment as Tarnish felt himself being pulled around, and then he felt something pressing up against his face. Lips. There were lips pressing up against his face. He opened his eyes and saw a chaotic blur. He came to the slow realisation that this was his mother and she was kissing away his tears. Tarnish did not have a clue as to what was going on.

“They said it was post partum depression!” Pinny wailed, her voice an agonised screech. “I took so many pills and nothing worked… nothing worked!”

“Pinny… I….”

Upon hearing her name, Pinny let out the most heart rending wail of agony she had made so far, and then her sobs renewed as she clutched her son.

“Mother…”

The tent filled with cries, cries that turned into pained screams, ear piercing almost hysterical screams as Pinny let go of her pain, shouting at the top of her lungs. She pressed her face into Tarnish’s, her muzzle rubbing along his, and her tears intermingled with her colt’s.

The pair held one another for several long minutes, until Pinny’s sobbing and wailing began to subside. She took deep, shuddering breaths, her forelegs still around Tarnish’s neck, and she lay almost on top of him, her eyes closed and her barrel heaving.

“When you were born, it was the happiest day of my life,” Pinny said in a strained whisper. “I loved you so much… so, so much… and then, it got hard to love you.” Pinny squeezed her eyes closed even tighter, causing tears to gush down her cheeks. “I never wanted this to happen, I tried to get help, but nothing worked, and after a while, I was so ashamed, I couldn’t bear to be around you. It just got harder and harder… I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, please forgive me!”

Stunned, sobbing himself, Tarnished Teapot did not know what to say. He felt his mother kiss him once more, and then she shoved her face against his, the pressure so strong that it was almost painful. Tarnish understood nothing of what was going on, overwhelmed, confused, he lay there in his mother’s embrace, not knowing what to think, what to feel, or what to say.

“Tarnished Teapot, please say that you can forgive me,” Pinny begged.

“I… I love you… I didn’t mean for this to happen…”

Author's Note

I did what I had to...

And then the morning comes

Hearing voices, Tarnished Teapot awoke, but did not open his eyes. One ear lifted, the other remained where it was, limp against the side of his face. He could hear birds chirping and from experience, knew it was dawn song. He had been up late, but because of his time on the rock farm, being an early riser was now something ingrained in him.

“The first time I held him, I realised that my life was complete… I wanted a foal so badly. And he was everything I ever wanted. He was so tiny and perfect. He had perfect little hooves… and his coat was the most perfect shade of chocolaty brown.”

Tarnish heard giggling. He knew it couldn’t be Maud, so it had to be his mother giggling. It was a happy, but sad sound. His single raised ear twitched as he continued to listen.

“I wanted a little filly, I’ll admit, I guess I wanted a little version of me, but I loved him so much that it didn’t matter.” There was a long pause. “Later, when the trouble started, one of the doctors suggested that was the source of my… issues. That I had trouble connecting because I was disappointed in Tarnish being a colt. But I loved him so much… the first time I held him it was so magical.”

Eyes squeezed shut, Tarnished Teapot tried not to cry. Maud was no doubt stony faced as usual, but he wondered if she was cracking on the inside, hurting with no source of comfort. The thought unhinged him. His mother would never know that Maud was sad or depressed or hurting.

“Thank you so much, Maud Pie.”

“Family is the most important thing we have. I had to do something to fix this.”

Tarnished Teapot allowed his rigid ear to fall. It fell limp against the side of his face and he drew in a deep breath. The cushion beneath him was warm from his own body heat and the blanket over him was soft. He didn’t remember falling asleep with a blanket—somepony must have covered him up while he slept.

“So my son has powerful magic?”

“I don’t know about that.” There was a long stony silence. “Your son has magic that is unique to his purpose. And I think we are about to see some recognition of that.”

That was interesting. Tarnished Teapot wondered what Maud meant by that. He could not help but be curious. Maud had been gone for a few days before sending word back home. He was now curious what she had been up to.

“Tarnish, how long are you going to play possum?”

Grinning, Tarnish opened one eyelid, revealing an eye that was as blue as poison joke. He then opened the other and lifted his head. “Um, how did you know?”

“Well, the first sign was your ear sticking up so you could listen.” Maud blinked in her usual sleepy looking way. “Plus, I just know you. You’re a rascal and you eat bugs.”

“I… hey… my mother didn’t need to know that,” Tarnish replied as he watched his mother stick her tongue out and cross her bloodshot eyes. He had forgotten how silly his mother could be.

“He eats bugs?” Pinny asked.

“Well, I tried to warn him, but he didn’t listen.” Maud turned her head and looked at the mare laying on the cushion beside her. “I told him to close his mouth or he might swallow a bug. I had to write a poem that wasn’t about rocks because I was so grossed out and I needed therapy to recover.”

Closing her eyes, Pinny Lane threw back her head and laughed.

The laughter was almost too much; Tarnished Teapot had not heard his mother laugh like this for a long time. How long? Tarnish didn’t know. It had been a long, long time. He felt a gnawing sense of guilt and wondered if his magic had taken his mother’s laughter away. The thought pained him and he shoved it out of his mind. It isn’t my fault, Tarnish thought to himself as tears began to sting his eyes.

“Now, every time we kiss, I think about him eating a bug. It’s awful, I tell you,” Maud said in a precise, flat deadpan. “I think I’m traumatised.”

“My little colt is kissing… I missed so much.” Pinny, her eyes tearing over, looked at Tarnish, her lower lip quivering. “I’m so sorry. Nuts… I don’t want to start crying again.”

“Pinkie Pie should be bringing us breakfast any time now,” Maud said, looking at the flap of the tent. “I think I am going to stretch my legs.”

“I think I’ll stretch my legs with you.” Pinny began to rise off of her cushion.

“I will too.” Tarnish looked over at Maud and his mother.

Maud shook her head. “No Tarnish, you don’t understand. I don’t think you want to be with your mother and I when we go off into the woods to stretch our legs… because we’re going to be doing something else.”

“Oh… OH… yeah, well, nevermind. I think I’ll go stretch my legs in another direction…”

Looking through the trees, Tarnish could see Ponyville in the distance. Even from where he stood, he could see signs of construction taking place. Ponyville was always being repaired, rebuilt, and reconstructed. Tarnish took solace in the fact that he was only somewhat responsible for the devastation that Ponyville often suffered—random monsters and weird events also did their fair share of ruination. It was always something, a bugbear, vines that liked to grab ponies, Tarnish didn’t want to think about what happened after the vines grabbed a pony, Trixie Lulamoon, Twilight Sparkle, Twilight Sparkle’s friends, a cranky ursa minor, and even parasprites.

Tarnish figured that he was only responsible for maybe a third of Ponyville’s damage, or perhaps half at the very most. The last spot of trouble had been a doozer though. It had been bad enough that Twilight Sparkle had banished him.

Or had she? Tarnish was no longer certain. Twilight had been under the influence. She was no more to blame than he was. Things happened. Sometimes, bad things happened. Sometimes, a pony had little control over circumstance or situation, life happened, and all that one could do was hang on and try to endure as life did its worst. There were plenty of things that Tarnish could have done to help his situation, but he had done nothing, choosing instead to be the victim. There were lots of little things he could have done to help himself, he could see that now, he could have perhaps made things a little easier. Or could he? Tarnish thought about his recent maturity, something he had lacked. He felt a twinge of doubt, not knowing.

In the distance, he saw a familiar figure, a long, tall serpentine figure. He was running through the grass, chuckling, and behind him, a yellow pegasus was chasing him, her wings flapping as she shook her hoof at him, and he could hear the dulcet tones of Fluttershy’s voice from where he stood in the trees.

“YOU TURN ANGEL BACK INTO A BUNNY THIS INSTANT, DISCORD!”

Sighing, Tarnish was glad that some things never changed. He had a new appreciation for Discord. Maybe Discord could do little more to help himself, but Discord had his own troublesome nature to deal with. At least Discord was trying. Maybe Discord needed a good friend to help him. Or maybe…

Tarnish watched the pegasus chasing the draconequus and rubbed his chin as he became thoughtful. After giving some thought about the pair, he shrugged and hoped that Discord would be nice enough to turn Angel back into a bunny once more. Perhaps Discord’s chaotic nature prevented him from coming right out and saying, “Fluttershy, I am in need of attention and affection, please, come and play with me.” Perhaps the only way Discord could communicate such a complex need was to turn Angel into whatever and then take off running, so he could get what he needed from Fluttershy.

Maud also had trouble communicating her needs, other than just coming right out and saying it, which she didn’t always do. She had been burned a few times by careless ponies that had judged her on her actions, the way she spoke, the way she was. Maud had given up a bit, retreated from the world, and was now cautious about interaction. Tarnish thought back to how Maud had tested him, giving him the silent treatment.

“DISCORD! PLEASE, PLEASE TURN ANGEL BACK INTO A BUNNY!”

Maybe Discord just needed a hug. Or a compliment. Or something that affirmed him as a worthwhile creature. Maybe somepony needed to talk to Fluttershy about Discord having the same needs as anypony else, but then again, Tarnish realised that Fluttershy already knew that.

“Hiya!”

“Gah!” Tarnish was attacked by a pink blur that grabbed him, clung to him, and gave him a hoof noogie. He squirmed as he tried to get away from Pinkie Pie, who had somehow snuck up on him. “Pinkie Pie!”

“I brought breakfast! Come inside,” Pinkie Pie said as she pulled Tarnish into a hug after noogie-ing his scalp into numbness and messing up his mane. “Has anypony ever told you that you look like you are made out of chocolate? That is why you are one of my favourite ponies.”

Looking into Pinkie Pie’s smiling face, Tarnish felt a growing sense of affection.

A soft and fuzzy rock

“Pinkie Pie noogied me.” Maud’s low monotone somehow made her proclamation of said noogie rather funny. The mare blinked and stared at Tarnished Teapot with half opened eyes, not looking at all distressed by being noogied. “And then she ran away. She said she had to get back to work.”

“What’s in the basket?” Tarnish asked.

“Food.” Maud’s reply was both factual, practical, and accurate. She turned her head, looked at the basket for a moment, and then looked at Tarnish. “I’m worried that it is full of sweets.”

“I’ll fix tea, so Tarnish can use his magic,” Pinny said.

“What?” Tarnish turned his head to glance at his mother.

“The tea. If you drink it, it should suppress your magic, right?” Pinny, worried, looked at her colt, fear creeping into her eyes.

“I don’t know that for certain,” Tarnish replied.

“Which is why we need to start testing.” Maud looked over at Pinny and gave the mare a nod. “Zecora seems to think that it should work. She and Twilight Sparkle are working on something that might help you.”

“Oh?” Tarnish, curious, wondered what Twilight Sparkle had planned. He was also curious about breakfast. He hobbled over to the basket, lowered his head, nosed the lid open, and peered into the wicker picnic basket. It smelled yeasty and something made his mouth water. Something smelled like…

“Pretzels.” Maud peered down into the basket. “With rock salt. Right now, I would really like to hug my sister. I think I’ll go pay her a visit later.”

“Garlicky pretzels… with cheese.” Tarnished looked around, eyeing the various baked goods. “Coffee cake, looks like hot cross buns, oatmeal raisin cookies, and stuff down below that I can’t make out.”

Lifting his head, Tarnish could see that his mother was preparing tea. She was teary eyed once more, her ears were drooping, and she looked rather distraught. He felt a heaviness in his heart, but did not know what to say, what to do, or how to deal with the situation. It was said that time healed all wounds, but this wound was sixteen years in the making. It was a gaping, festering hole of a wound. Lowering his head somewhat, he rubbed the side of his face against Maud’s neck, glad to have her near.

“Both of you make for an adorable couple… I’m so happy to see you together,” Pinny said as she placed the kettle on the cast iron stove in the middle of the tent. The mare blinked away a few tears and then smiled, her lips trembling from her effort to try and look happy. “You did good son, finding Maud.”

“Mom, she found me—”

“I know,” Pinny said, closing her eyes. “Maud told me everything. Please, please don’t tell me. I can’t bear to hear it again. I’m glad that the two of you have each other.” The kettle, still in Pinny’s magic, quivered on the cast iron stove, then the bubble of Pinny’s telekinesis burst, causing the kettle to clunk against the iron surface of the stove and the water inside to slosh.

Stepping away from the stove, Pinny went to work pulling the various items out of the picnic basket and setting them out on a low wooden table. There were cookies, some muffins, hot cross buns, pretzels, coffee cake, a yellow-gold pound cake that smelled like lemons that had what appeared to be poppy seeds, some hard boiled eggs, and a fresh batch of savoury scones that smelled of chives. There was also a jug of milk, a jug of chocolate milk, and a carton of carrot-apple juice.

Realising that there wasn’t much he could do at the moment, Tarnish sat down by the low table, got comfortable, and waited for what was certain to be a large breakfast.

Sitting in the grass, Tarnished Teapot watched as life went by in the distance. Trains came and went. Pegasi flew overhead. Buildings were being erected, going up one support beam at a time. Not far away, Pinny Lane slept on a cushion that had been dragged outside, napping in the sun; she had not slept well and the night had been long. Sitting beside Tarnish, Maud Pie was giving saccharine little snoot-nuzzles to Boulder, causing Tarnish to feel a little envious of Maud’s pet rock. He wanted a little sweet snoot-nuzzling action.

Lifting up his teacup, Tarnish took a sip. The poison joke antidote tea was flavourful, pleasant, and quite good. It was easy to drink, smooth, not bitter, and might even be nice if made into iced tea. There was a faint mintiness to it as well as a strong floral note that tasted and smelled a bit like roses.

Without meaning to, Tarnished Teapot turned to Maud and stared. She was tight muscled, strong, powerful, and gentle. She had a fine, silky pelt that was a pleasure to feel. Tarnish began to think about the feeling of her body against his, and all of the different ways he had experienced that sensation. The feeling of her well muscled back and spine against the soft flesh of his stomach. The feeling of her taut stomach muscles against his ribs. Those first few clumsy moments when she had spread her legs and he had floundered around on her belly before sliding along her silken thigh into the sacred hallows of her femininity, feeling the warm flesh of her navel against his own. Those hot, sweaty, breathless moments with the stars overhead and the blanket beneath them. Those nervous curious moments of eager, but cautious exploration.

Tarnish felt something touch his nose. He blinked, snapping back to reality. It took a moment to realise what had just happened, but he came to the slow realisation that Maud had just booped his nose with her hoof.

“Did you just boop me?”

Blinking, Maud nodded. One lone curl in Maud’s mane was caught by the faint breeze and for a moment, it appeared as though the lone curl was waving, or perhaps making a gesture of invitation.

“You booped me.”

“You were staring.”

“Well, I can’t help that.”

“You can’t?”

“Well, no. No I can’t.”

“Why is that? Do tell.”

Inhaling, Tarnish Teapot glanced at his mother, hoped she was still very much asleep, and then replied, “Because, I was thinking about some of those moments with you under the stars… and how beautiful you are.”

“I have bewitched you.”

Now blushing, Tarnish nodded.

“And I did it without a horn.”

Tarnished Teapot continued to nod.

“You know, that makes me feel really good. I’ve always worried that I was plain and unattractive. Thank you. You may continue to keep staring now. This pleases me.”

“There’s that sense of humour.” Tarnish’s eyes narrowed. “I like that about you.”

“Daddy says my humour is dry, like unbuttered toast.” As Maud spoke, a bright blue butterfly landed upon her ear. Maud’s eyes rolled upwards as she tried to see the visitor upon her ear. “A bug… Tarnish, please don’t eat it.”

Shaking his head, Tarnish rolled his eyes at Maud.

“You know, if I might confess something.” Maud’s eyes focused on Tarnish and she took a deep breath. “When I said all those words that rhymed with rock, I didn’t think you’d actually listen. I said some stuff…”

“You sure did,” Tarnish replied when Maud paused for a second.

“When I was saying those words I thought you’d zone out and ignore me but you listened instead.” Maud blinked and continued in her usual bored sounding monotone. “I’m still really embarrassed about that.”

“Really?” Tarnish tilted his head off to one side, causing his ears to flop over and hang down to the left. “Why?”

Maud shrugged, somehow looking disinterested. “I dunno.” She looked at Tarnished Teapot, her half closed eyes appearing heavy and a bit sleepy. “I see where you get it from.”

“Get what from? What do you mean?” Tarnish asked.

“Your mother has been listening to our every word for quite some time now,” Maud replied. “I guess I have something new to be embarrassed about.”

There was a faint giggle from Pinny Lane. “I couldn’t help it, I heard the word ‘boop’ and I woke up…”

Author's Note

Next chapter: Twilight Sparkle and the Stone of Chaos.

Weed becomes legalised

“I’m nervous,” Tarnished Teapot said when he saw Twilight Sparkle approaching. “My mouth keeps going dry. What if everything goes wrong?”

“Tarnish, this is everything in your life finally going right.” Maud turned and looked at the colt sitting in the grass at her side.

“That’s what worries me… now that I know how good it feels when everything is right, it is going to hurt more when all of this crashes and burns.” Tarnish let out a worried whimper, closed his eyes, and was unable to watch Twilight’s approach.

“We have the means to fix stuff if it goes wrong. We just need to remain calm and approach this situation in a rational, methodical sort of way. Twilight Sparkle is a rational, methodical sort of pony. It will be okay,” Maud said to Tarnish, trying to reassure him.

“Beware! Beware, you pony folk! Those leaves of blue are not a joke!” Twilight Sparkle said as she drew closer. A broad smile was visible upon her face even at a distance. “Hello, all of you, I hope that you are well. Are you comfortable?”

Tarnish opened his eyes and looked at Twilight, feeling nervous. It was different seeing her in the sunlight. She was wearing a crown… a crown. That meant that she was here on official business. Serious business. Tarnish could not remember if Twilight Sparkle was wearing a crown when she had banished him. Twilight Sparkle was here in all of her princessly glory, and Tarnish felt his guts flooding with fear.

“Tarnished Teapot, stop being a fraidy-pony.” Pinny Lane moved a little closer to her son, sitting on his right. “Don’t be a big baby.”

“Um, not in front of the princess?” Tarnish whispered, feeling a growing sense of humiliation. “My mouth is all dry.”

“I don’t wish to interrupt valuable family time, so I plan to keep this short.” Twilight Sparkle sat down in the grass just a few yards away and smiled while she was looking at Tarnish. “Maud Pie, your efforts are admirable. You have gone through extraordinary lengths to help a fellow pony. The gathered Crowns of Equestria feel that this goodwill should be rewarded. I’ll be addressing this point in a moment.”

There was a gentle pressure against Tarnish’s left side as Maud leaned up against him. He could feel her ribs expanding and contracting. Was Maud excited? Emotional? Happy? Overcome? There was no way of knowing.

“Tarnished Teapot, as of this moment, your state of banishment has ended. Instead, you are classified as a type five thaumaturgical biohazard, just like actual poison joke. It falls upon your shoulders to be responsible about this.” Twilight Sparkle began to pull scroll tubes out of her saddlebags and set them down in the grass in front of her.

“My little colt is a type five… whatever it was she said hazard,” Pinny whispered in a worried-mother voice. She found herself leaning against Tarnish, who was already being leaned on by Maud.

“If you fail to be responsible with your magic now that we are finding a means to deal with it, you will be held financially and physically responsible.” Twilight Sparkle’s smile faded and she became quite serious looking. “I am confident that you are smart enough to combat this problem. You have already exceeded my expectations and you have shown more than sufficient intellect. Tarnished Teapot, you have a valuable gift, an asset to magical research, and you have an obligation to both yourself as well as the greater good to manage your magic and find new ways to utilise it for the benefit of all.”

“Thank you, Princess Twilight Sparkle, for giving me a chance and trusting me with this responsibility,” Tarnish said to Twilight in a low, raspy voice that cracked a few times.

With her magic, Twilight Sparkle pulled out a long silver chain with a pendent hanging from it. She held it up in the air in front of her and her eyes narrowed as the sunlight glinted from the shining silver surface. A bright blue gemstone was embedded in the silver disc hanging from the chain. “This is something I worked up in a hurry not long after Maud showed up and made everything clear. My friend Rarity generously donated the sapphire needed for its construction. It’s blue right now and that’s good. That means it is working, and that the tea you have been drinking is suppressing your dangerous nature.” Twilight levitated the amulet over to Tarnished Teapot and then hung it around his neck. She then took a deep breath before she continued:

“This has been enchanted to detect magical irregularities and unstable magic. It should always glow as it is right now, with a faint blue light. As magic becomes unstable, it will grow darker and darker, becoming indigo, then purple, then very dark purple, and then finally, black. I suspect that if it goes black, it will be because of the worst sort of magic being nearby. Zecora and I have tested this, and I personally have exposed it to a few ley lines that I know are unstable. It changed colour. When exposed to poison joke, it turned purple. When exposed to Discord, it turned dark purple, then flashed, and then blinked between indigo and dark purple.”

“So, if this thing turns purple around my neck, I need to drink some tea,” Tarnish said, cottoning on to how it worked. “Or, if Maud and I are in a particularly dangerous place, we’ll know because of how this thing changes colour.”

“Exactly.” Twilight nodded. “Your magic should be safe so long as the sapphire remains blue. If it turns a darker shade of blue, or purple, and you do not have access to your tea, you should flee populated areas immediately and avoid using your magic at all costs.”

“What about accidental exposure?” Maud asked. “I mean, accidents happen. How do we avoid Tarnish getting in trouble?”

“If Tarnish does exactly what he is supposed to do and something still happens because of an accident, contact me. You have the mirror. Tarnish, you will not be held accountable for genuine accidents outside of your control. Princess Celestia and I have spoken about this issue a great deal, trying to determine your personal accountability,” Twilight replied.

Tarnished Teapot let out a huge sigh of relief.

“There are some conditions,” Twilight Sparkle said, looking first at Tarnish and then at Maud. “We need Tarnish to be gainfully employed so he can care for himself. We would like for Tarnish to remain as far away from civilised areas as possible to minimise exposure risks.” Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat. “Maud Pie, the Crown recognises the value of your research and we see that Tarnished Teapot has a unique talent that is beneficial to your work. The Crown wishes to aid you in your efforts. Princess Luna, in the interest of science and magical research, has offered to fund ten percent of your research costs, which will be returned to you after you submit receipts and requisition forms. To keep receiving this funding, you will need to keep Tarnished Teapot as your research assitant. Once a year he will undergo educational assessment as well, a stipulation demanded by Princess Luna, who is having some issues with the current state of affairs with our education system. In time, the ten percent funding may increase depending upon a variety of factors.”

“So Maud is being paid to foalsit Tarnish?” Pinny asked.

Twilight Sparkle’s head turned and she looked at Pinny. “I suppose that is one way of putting it.”

“That isn’t such a bad thing,” Maud interjected. “Looking at this from an objective point of view, everypony is getting something they want. The Crown is getting peace of mind knowing that everypony is safe and that knowledge is increasing. I am getting help with my life’s work. Everypony gets to be happy.”

“But what is Tarnish getting?” Pinny asked, glancing at her son, then at Maud, and then, lastly, Twilight Sparkle.

“Tarnish is getting me. Which I suspect is something he wants.” Maud, looking even sleepier than usual, reached up and stroked Tarnish’s neck. “Have anything to say, Tarnish?”

“I am perfectly content with what I am getting and I have no objections.” Tarnish looked at Maud, then angled his head downwards to look at the sapphire hanging from his neck that glowed with a faint blue light. “I have what I want and I got my mother back and I’m pretty happy about everything.”

“Well good… all that is left to do now is sign a bunch of papers. There are contracts that need to be gone over. I’m going to need your signatures about two hundred times or so. Sorry… I really am sorry…”

Author's Note

How could I not?

Assiduous

“Well, I guess this makes us official partners… or something… now that we’ve been bound together.” As Tarnished Teapot spoke, he could hear his mother sniggering. She sure did laugh a lot. Much more than he remembered. Maybe magic had nothing to do with it, perhaps it was because she was happy now. Tarnish didn’t know.

“Well, I hope that one day, the two of you will be partners in a more permanent sense.” Pinny’s voice was filled with laughter as she spoke and she felt even more bubbling laughter slipping out as she watched her son’s reaction.

“I am in no rush to hurry anything. Whatever happens will happen,” Maud said in what sounded like a disinterested deadpan. “Tarnish, am I weird enough for you to spend the rest of your life with me?”

Tarnish, sensing opportunity, became straight-faced and stony. He cleared his throat and then responded in the most perfect Maud-like monotone he could muster. “I couldn’t be happier.”

A peculiar sensation crept through Maud, starting down between her withers, it crawled up her neck, through her crest, along the hairline of her mane, leaving behind little tingles and tickle-prickles. She felt warm, and a growing heat blossomed just below her jaw. It continued through her cheeks and up through her temples. That one teasing joke inflamed Maud with desire. Her mind processed the various complexities of the situation; in order for Tarnish to try and mimic her behaviour, it would mean that Tarnish would first have to study her and pay attention to said behaviour. This meant constant observation. After that, he would have to expend the energy for the act of humour. It was a joke, it was flattery in the form of imitation, it was thoughtful and considerate. Overcome with emotion, her heart fluttering, Maud could feel her tight control slipping away…

The stone faced mare blinked twice in a rapid manner, with no space in between.

Tarnish, who was watching Maud, felt something. He knew that Maud was feeling something, even if there was no outward, visible sign. So focused on Maud as he was, the fact that his mother was just a few feet away slipped his mind. Tarnish had felt the connection, he had touched Maud, made her feel something, and he knew it. Maud’s eyes were the windows to her soul, a soft, sensitive soul kept inside of a fortress made of stone.

“Tarnished Teapot’s father used to stare at me like that.”

Tarnish and Maud both broke their intense stare and looked at Pinny Lane. She was still smiling, but it was a sad smile, and a tear welled up in the corner of her eye. The sounds of Tarnish’s heavy breathing filled the tent.

“I know you want to know who your father is… and I want to tell you, but I made a promise.” Pinny looked down at the rug that covered the ground inside of the tent. “I was young, I had my career, I was successful, and I never wanted the party to end. But I wanted a foal. I looked into options, but they were expensive… too expensive. So I talked to a very dear friend. We came to an agreement. He wished to remain out of the picture. He’s a carefree sort, not one for responsibilities and such, but a beautiful soul. He was the closest I ever came to falling in love and settling down.” Pinny reached up and wiped at her eyes. “It took a lot of wine and a lot of beers and more than a few tries before we made you. I’m so sorry, Tarnished Teapot. I need to make this right somehow. I was so young and stupid back then, making that promise, never thinking about how it might hurt you.”

“It’s okay,” Tarnish said to his mother.

“I’m going to make it right… I’m going to talk to him… see what I can do,” Pinny said, making a promise in all but word. Pinny sniffled and then offered both Tarnish and Maud a weak smile. “I’m going to go for a walk and clear my head for a while. It will give you two a little alone time. Have fun.”

“You don’t have to go,” Tarnish said.

Pinny shook her head. “I need to go. For a little while.”

“But mom, you’re hurting and we—”

“Tarnish, let her go.” Maud reached out and prodded the colt beside her. “She doesn’t want to cry in front of you and she is trying to make a graceful exit before she loses control.”

“Yeah,” Pinny said, her weak smile vanishing and her eyes glazing over. She headed for the tent flaps, not daring to turn back around for one final glance at her son.

Not knowing what else to do, Tarnish watched his mother go, slipping out the flap, and feeling a heaviness settle over his heart. The tension holding his ears up vanished, causing them to droop. He let out a soft, shuddering sigh.

“I don’t know what happened… everything felt so happy there for a moment.” Tarnish turned and looked at Maud.

“Things will get better. It will take time. I think I am going to write some poetry. I don’t know if it will be about rocks. All of this has me shaken.” Maud’s gaze lingered on Tarnish.

“Want some time alone?” Tarnish asked.

Maud shook her head. “It would be unbearable if you left. Please sit with me. Even if I go quiet, I still want you with me. We can share the silence together.”

“Okay.”

Some rocks are lazy. Some lay in a bed all day. Other rocks are assiduous. They remain in a bank. Over time, both get worn down, becoming less than what they were when they started. Stress does awful things to ponies.

Looking down at her work, Maud Pie shook her head. Nope. I don’t like it. Who even uses the word assiduous any more? Feeling unsettled, Maud closed her notebook. Looking over, she saw that Tarnish was reading something. A book was open in front of him and his face was screwed up in concentration. It was something that Maud found adorable. Tarnish had a very expressive face.

“What is the plan for lunch?” Tarnish asked without looking up from his book.

“I don’t know. Nopony has told me about any plans.” Maud looked at the blue sapphire around Tarnish’s neck. “We could try going somewhere. You are free to walk the streets of Ponyville now.”

“What if everypony still hates me?” Fearful, the colt shook his head. “No… no, I’ll be happier when we can leave and go home and then… I don’t know what comes next.”

“It has been almost four weeks. We need to see the doctor and get that bone checked on. Doctor Hedge did give you that injection to speed up the process.” Maud felt her stomach gurgle. A little lunch might be good. There were some leftover items from breakfast, but Maud was getting tired of baked goods and starches. “Next, we hit the road and we continue our work.”

“I’d like that. I’d like that a lot. I don’t care where we go, just so long as I am with you.”

Author's Note

Coming soon... on the road again.

It really brings the room together

It felt strange being back inside of Sugarcube Corner. Tarnish was huddled into a corner booth, mindful of the amulet around his neck, which happened to be a pleasant shade of blue at the moment. He was quiet, subdued, and not saying much.

Across from him, Maud and Pinkie Pie were together. Pinkie Pie was pressed against Maud, Maud had her forelegs around Pinkie Pie, and Maud’s chin was resting on top of Pinkie Pie’s head. Maud looked every bit the bigger, older, more protective sister.

Between the three of them, sitting on the table, there was the remains of the cold lunch platter. Assorted salty pickled vegetables, cheese slices, a fine selection of greens, and piles of fresh pita bread. It was not a common menu selection for Sugarcube Corner, as most ponies came in here for delicious treats and to pig out.

“Aaaand… ear hug!” Pinkie Pie’s face contorted into one of concentration, her tongue sticking out from her effort, and her eyes peered upwards, trying to watch her ears. After a moment of effort, both ears pressed into the sides of Maud’s cheeks, and Pinkie Pie performed her ear hug.

Unable to help himself, Tarnish laughed. The leg covered in a cast rested upon the table, his other leg was lifted and he covered his mouth with his hoof as he chortled. He could see a twinkle in Pinkie Pie’s bright blue eyes, a special happiness that Pinkie Pie seemed to experience only when Maud was around. It was something that Tarnish understood; Maud made him happy as well. There was something about the three of them together, the time spent together, Tarnish never wanted it to end.

“You’re feeling a sense of belonging and family,” Pinkie Pie said as she stared Tarnish in the eye. “I bet it’s confusing, but you’ll get used to it.”

“What?” Snorting, startled, Tarnish sat up, now feeling unsettled.

“You heard me.” Pinkie Pie winked and then wiggled against her sister.

After just having sat up, Tarnish slumped down in the booth. Pinkie Pie had peered inside of his head again. He watched as Maud’s hoof made little circles against Pinkie Pie’s barrel, just over her heart. It occurred to him that he missed the other members of the Pie family.

“You did good, Maud.”

“Mmm hmm.”

Tarnish stared at the remains of lunch. He spotted a sliver of pickled beet. Lifting it up, he stuffed it into his mouth and gobbled it down. He ate a little more cheese and as he was chewing, the door to Sugarcube Corner opened and a pony walked in.

The earth pony was disheveled looking, wearing a robe, and appeared to be distracted. He stood in the doorway for a full minute, blinked, and then walked over to where Tarnish was sitting. Tarnish, watching him approach, felt nervous. This was one of his mother’s friends, Tarnish realised he recognised this pony. It was one of the ponies that he suspected of being his—

“Hey, man... are you Tarnished Teapot?” the pony asked, interrupting Tarnish’s thoughts.

Man? What an odd word. Tarnish felt a little confused by the lackadaisical question. He glanced at Maud and Pinkie, and then his eyes returned to the pony speaking to him. “Yes, I am he.”

“Far out, man… has it really been sixteen years? Where does the time go?” the pony said to himself. “Man, you’re doing great for yourself. Two mares on a lunch date. I feel kinda proud.”

Tarnished Teapot felt a growing tension in his stomach and he stared at the earth pony standing just a few feet away. “I can’t remember your name.”

“My name is Jeff Letrotski. Professional bowler and rug merchant. I have a knack for bringing a room together. This place could use a rug.”

“Mister Letrotski, what is your purpose here?” Maud asked in a flat monotone.

“Man, I don’t know what my purpose is. Can anypony truly say what their purpose is?” Jeff blinked and looked confused; overwhelmed even. “This pony abides. I guess that is my purpose.” Turning, Jeff Letrotski wandered off, muttering to himself as he approached the door.

“Wait,” Tarnish cried out. “You’re my mother’s friend… are you…” Try as he might, Tarnish could not bring himself to say the words.

Jeff Letrotski paused at the door. “We all have dreams, man. Pinny Lane had a pretty far out dream, a dream she so loved. I never shared that dream, but I loved her for having it.”

“Then why are you here?” Maud asked.

“I just checked in to see what condition my condition was in,” Jeff Letrotski replied. He then pushed open the door, stepped outside, and then was gone.

Staring, Tarnish sat there, feeling an odd sensation in his chest as the tears began welling up in his eyes. The tightness grew unbearable, but it was more than tightness. It was as if a crushing weight had been placed upon him and he found it difficult to breathe.

“This has become a bad scene for Tarnish. Maud, get him out of here and get him some place private,” Pinkie Pie said, squirming around to glance at her sister. “Tarnish, are you okay?”

“No,” Tarnish replied in a strangled voice. “No…”

“I’m tempted to go after him and give him a—”

“Maud, Tarnish needs you.” Pinkie Pie was turned around now, and looking Maud in the eye. “I think you need a timeout Maud… you look angry. He’s not worth it, Maud.” Pinkie Pie patted her sister. “I’ve never seen you look so angry. Maud, I’m kinda worried for you now… look, I’m going to ask for the afternoon off, and we’ll all get out of here, and you can look after Tarnish, and I’ll look after you, and everything will be okay.”

Pinkie looked over at Tarnish and could see that his eyes were squeezed shut. His necklace was also a somewhat darker shade of blue. Pinkie Pie felt a growing sense of alarm, and her Pinkie Sense was screaming at her that it was long past time to flee the scene. The sapphire stone seemed to grow darker as Pinkie Pie looked at it.

“Maud, help me, we need to get Tanish out of here now.”

Author's Note

Pinkie Pie is the voice of reason for once.

The day that a rock almost destroyed Ponyville

“Look after Tarnish, see that he is taken care of,” Maud said as she headed for the tent flap. She departed without saying another word.

Pinkie, alarmed, lept up from where she was sitting beside Tarnish and went after Maud. A growing sense of worry filled Pinkie Pie, and she could feel a pinchy sensation in her knee. Maud was angry. Pinkie Pie had never seen her sister this angry. Maud was hurting, the sort of hurt that made most ponies cry, but Maud wasn’t capable of crying, as far as Pinkie Pie knew.

Bounding through the tent flap, Pinkie Pie grabbed Maud around the neck and then dug in her hind hooves to stop Maud, bracing herself against the ground. Maud kept going, oblivious to Pinkie Pie’s efforts. Pinkie’s hind hooves were now digging trenches in the soft earth as Maud pushed forward and Pinkie redoubled her efforts to slow Maud down. Maud continued going, plowing the earth with Pinkie Pie, whom she pushed along with no real effort upon her part.

“Maud, stop, please, stop!” Pinkie Pie cried.

“No.” Maud’s voice was one of perfect calm.

“Maud, please, stop, trying to stop you is hurting me!” Pinkie Pie pleaded.

Freezing in place, Maud came to a halt, one front hoof in mid-air. “Move Pinkie. Go inside.”

“No!” Pinkie squeezed Maud’s neck even tighter. “Please, Maud, don’t do this. Please, please, please don’t do this. He’s not worth it… I don’t like seeing you angry, I’ve never seen you like this, it’s scaring me! Please stop!” Tears began to trickle down Pinkie Pie’s cheeks as she begged her sister to stop what she was about to do.

“Maud…”

Pinkie Pie pulled her head away from Maud’s neck and looked at Tarnish, who was standing half in and half out of the tent flap. Pinkie Pie kept her legs braced, just in case Maud started walking again. Not that anything that Pinkie Pie could do could stop Maud. Maud was the unstoppable force merged with the immoveable object. She was the rock.

“Maud, I need you,” Tarnished Teapot said in a low voice. “Don’t go.”

In Pinkie Pie’s embrace, Maud was statuesque, as hard and as unyielding as a stone. Pinkie Pie patted her sister on the neck. “Maud, go inside with Tarnish. He needs you. Whatever it is that you are about to do, it isn’t worth it.”

Maud blinked and took a deep breath. She let out a powerful snort and then relented. Reaching up with her already raised foreleg, she wrapped it around Pinkie. “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I don’t know what came over me there for a second. I was seeing red and I feel hot all over.”

“Go inside Maud… please.” Pinkie Pie patted her sister’s neck again, and then, fearful, hesitant, she let go of Maud. Much to Pinkie’s surprise, Maud did not let go of her.

“I need ponies that love me.” Maud lifted Pinkie with effortless ease and tossed Pinkie over her back. She turned, facing Tarnish, and took a deep breath. “Let’s go inside Tarnish.”

“Looks like Tarnish isn’t the only one who likes his tea,” Pinkie Pie said, trying to stir up some conversation. She watched as Maud tilted back a teacup.

“I find it soothing.” Maud’s eyes dropped down and she peered into her teacup.

Pinkie Pie took a deep breath and was thankful that the crisis had been averted. She felt the need to talk about it, about everything that had happened, but was fearful about saying anything. Pinkie Pie, stricken with an unusual, almost uncharacteristic seriousness, wanted to express herself, her feelings, she wanted to give voice to everything that had happened, but she did not know what to say.

“How could he just be like that?” Tarnish asked, a hurt expression upon his face.

“I dunno… we’ll talk to your mom when she comes back,” Pinkie replied, eyeing Maud to see if Maud showed any sign of getting up and leaving.

“I am so angry right now.” Maud’s voice was a flat deadpan, devoid of emotion, feeling, or expression. She didn’t sound angry at all. If anything, her monotone sounded even more flat than usual, lacking even the slightest variation.

Sitting beside her sister, Pinkie Pie felt an icy cold shiver that crawled up her spine. She shuddered, feeling sort of scared. She couldn’t make her sister Maud laugh or smile, and this left Pinkie all out of ideas on what to do to help her sister. Realising that she was helpless, a few of Pinkie’s curls deflated and her mane lost some of its lustre.

“Some ponies are jerks!” Pinkie Pie blurted out and she threw herself at Maud and started crying. She slammed into Maud, who was immoveable. Maud’s tea didn’t even slosh around in her teacup as Pinkie Pie latched on to Maud’s neck. More and more of Pinkie’s mane deflated and an odd flatulent sound filled the air.

“I can’t escape it. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I just can’t escape being me,” Tarnish said, shaking his head as he levitated his teacup. “I thought things were going to get better… but now this has happened. I can understand my mother’s trouble, it was fixed and I guess that it is pretty obvious that she loves me and while I still hurt about the whole thing, I feel better knowing that it has been fixed.” Tarnish took a deep breath, held it for a long time, his whole body trembling, and then continued:

“But my dad… what’s his fu—”

“NAUGHTY! NAUGHTY! MOUTH FULL OF POTTY!” Pinkie Pie shouted.

“—cking problem?” Tarnish’s words were drowned out by Pinkie’s exclamation.

Tears still on her cheeks, Pinkie Pie stared at Tarnish, wide eyed, stunned, her forelegs still wrapped around her sister Maud’s neck. She stared at Tarnish as if he had grown a second head.

“Tarnish, not in front of my sister.” Maud gave Tarnish a blank expression.

“Your sister told me the dirtiest joke I’ve ever heard in my life,” Tarnish replied.

Maud blinked, looked at her sister, and then back at Tarnish. “That’s just not fair. Pinkie has known you longer than I have.” Maud fell silent and then took a sip from her teacup.

“Yeah, but Maud, look at him. He loves you. Look at that face. Look at those eyes,” Pinkie Pie said as she grabbed her sister’s head and made her look up at Tarnish. She squished Maud’s cheeks around, trying to make her sister smile.

“Yeah, he’s pretty special.”

“Maud, show a little enthusiasm.” Pinkie continued to squish her sister’s cheeks. “You know, we kinda have a dad that we can share. And a mom too, even though Tarnish has his back.”

Maud blinked a few times, never once looking away from Tarnish. The earth pony mare’s sides heaved outwards like a blacksmith’s bellows. Maud inhaled again, and then again, her ears pitching forwards.

“Maud, you okay, you’re scaring me again…” Pinkie Pie pulled her hooves away from her sister’s cheeks and wrapped her forelegs around her big sister’s neck. “Maudlin Persephone Pie?”

“Tarnished Teapot, do you love me?” Maud asked, ignoring Pinkie.

“In a crazy, probably unhealthy sort of way,” Tarnish replied.

“As you know, family is very important to me. I came here to Ponyville not only to straighten things out between you and Twilight Sparkle, but also between you and your mother. I had trouble sleeping at night knowing that you and your mom had trouble with each other.” Maud set down her teacup and then clutched at Pinkie’s forelegs around her neck, as if seeking support. “How would you feel about making our partnership official?”

Tarnish choked and then began coughing. His telekinetic field died and his teacup, almost empty, dropped down to the rug.

“Tarnish? Don’t break my heart, Tarnish. The rest of me might be made of stone, but my heart isn’t.” Maud could feel Pinkie Pie squeezing her, and she took comfort in the strong embrace of her sister. “We can do it now, we can just walk over to city hall and get it done with no fuss and no big to-do. My parents might fuss a bit, but they can do something nice for us later.”

“I dunno Maud… I mean, we were both pretty upset just a while ago… I’m still worried about doing stupid stuff… I don’t want to blow this… you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Tarnish cleared his throat and tried to think, but the pressure was making it difficult. “I’m kinda young, and stupid, and I don’t know that I’m mature enough… I just don’t want to make a mistake… you mean so much.”

“Tarnish, we’re both young. I might be a little older, but I’m still young. We’re supposed to do stupid stuff.” Maud took a deep breath and her eyes never left Tarnish.

“Igneous was fifteen years old when he married Cloudy,” Pinkie Pie said as she gave her sister another squeeze. “Cloudy was fourteen. Nana Pinkie and Granny Pie both thought that Cloudy was doomed to be a spinster, whatever that is. I don’t even know.” Pinkie Pie shrugged and shook her head.

“I want to give you a family, Tarnished Teapot. Sisters. Another mother. A father… cause let’s face it… that Jeff pony… he’s a di—mmmph!”

“Maud!” Pinkie Pie cried, stuffing her hoof into Maud’s mouth. Worried, with cautious effort, Pinkie Pie uncorked her hoof from Maud’s mouth. “You just warned Tarnish about saying stuff like that.”

Maud turned her head, looked at her sister for a moment, and then looked at Tarnish. “I just want you to be happy. You deserve that. I want to make you feel good because of how you’ve made me feel good. And ponies like your dad… they go against everything I believe in. I can’t bear what he’s done to you and how he’s hurt you. I want to give you something that he can’t… something that he is incapable of. Let me give that to you, Tarnish… please?”

Sighing, Tarnished Teapot realised that this outcome was inevitable. “Let’s go and try to find my mom, and then let’s go to city hall. Maybe this is the adult thing to do. Maybe this is what taking responsibility is.”

“Um, just a quick question… can I throw the both of you a teensy weensy wedding party?” Pinkie Pie asked. As she spoke, her mane regained its usual state of riotous curliness.

Author's Note

Maud is all about stability, and she associates stability with family.

For a pony to so callously disregard family has shaken up her world view.

To reaffirm that everything she believes in is right, she falls back on her core values, not knowing any other way of dealing with it. Maud is a tough character to write. Very difficult to make her emote. But I try.

The clock is ticking

“No sign of Pinny Lane anywhere. This is frustrating,” Pinkie Pie said as she sat down with a plop. She began to tap upon her chin with her hoof as she contemplated the whereabouts of the missing pony. “We’ve checked the bowling alley.”

“Twice, at your insistence,” Tarnish added.

“Well, where else would you find a pony with a bowling cutie mark?” Pinkie Pie asked. Still pondering, the pink pony prone to pronking peered at Tarnish’s sapphire amulet. It was glowing a soft, gentle shade of blue, and it was almost hypnotic to look at. “Maud, you feeling better?”

“Nope.” Maud turned to look at her sister. “Still angry.”

Sighing, Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Maud, you need to forgive—”

“Says who?” Maud retorted in deadpan, cutting her sister off.

“Nevermind… let’s just keep looking for Pinny.” Pinkie Pie looked around, hoping to catch a glimpse of Tarnished Teapot’s mother. “The things I’ll go through to throw a party.”

“I wonder where she could be?” Tarnish looked at Pinkie Pie and then at Maud. Leaning over, he stretched out his neck and gave Maud a little peck on the cheek. A lock of Maud’s mane curled up, and Tarnish, seeing this, was pleased to have some sign of Maud’s inner happiness returning.

Pinkie Pie, thinking aloud, contemplated a nearby house that that was being constructed. “You know, I don’t understand why they are rebuilding with thatched roofs on the cottages… the thatch is so flammable. It’s like they want disaster to happen.”

“Let’s just keep moving.” Maud reached out and prodded her sister. “We have a lot of ground to cover and Tarnish is a slowpoke.”

“Hey… I get around pretty good on three legs.” Tarnish lifted his head high and let out a disconcerted sniff.

The Ponyville Clock Tower struck two as Maud, Tarnished Teapot, and Pinkie Pie approached. Pinkie Pie, seeing a familiar blue mane, picked up her pace while Maud and Tarnish continued to walk together, side by side, Maud’s single curl bobbing just behind her ear.

“We found… you.” Pinkie Pie’s last word came out as a sorrowful gasp. She took a deep breath, held it, and looked at Pinny Lane. The mare had been crying. This was not turning out to be a good day for anypony. Pinkie Pie’s held breath slipped out in a lip flapping raspberry as she deflated.

Pinny, seeing her son, wiped her nose with her foreleg, sniffled, wiped again, and then looked at Tarnish with teary eyes. “It was here… this place.”

“What happened here?” Tarnish asked his mother.

“This is where we talked. About you. About our agreement. About what I needed from him.” Pinny sniffled some more and then shook her head. “I was young and stupid I guess. I sometimes wonder what I was thinking. We came to an agreement here. I broke that agreement today. Jeff was angry. He felt that I had betrayed his trust.”

Pinkie Pie, feeling a sudden creeping manifestation of terror, turned to look at Maud, and worried that she might have to put her sister in timeout again, a feat that might take all of the Elements of Harmony and each of the four known princesses. There was that murderous look upon Maud’s face again. The glint of anger in her sister’s eyes. The fury. Pinkie’s growing fear made her throat feel dry, and her knee became pinchy.

“He actually told me that this was just further proof that mares can’t be trusted. I don’t know what I saw in him. At the time, he seemed so… wonderful. He was a stallion that bucked society and did what he wanted. Now, he just seems like…”

“A jerk!” Pinkie shouted. “He hurt Tarnish. He came into Sugarcube Corner and acted like a… like a… a real meanie-head.” Pinkie Pie cast a sidelong glance at her sister. She didn’t like the look on Maud’s face at the moment.

“I’m sorry… Tarnish, I’m so sorry. I brought it up and it caused a big fight between us. He played it cool but I could see that he was angry.” Pinny Lane sighed and then hung her head. “He says he’s leaving Ponyville… says it’s become a bad scene and has too many negative vibes now. He didn’t say where he was going. I hope I never see him again.”

“I’m sorry,” Tarnish said as he moved closer to his mother, not quite knowing what to do. He felt a growing sense of unease, of worry, and guilt, as if somehow, he was the cause of all of this.

“Baby, don’t be sorry.” Pinny Lane, her lower lip quivering, looked at her son. “I guess you can’t help who you fall in love with. At least you found a good mare. You stay with her Tarnish, she’ll be good to you. There’s something to be said for conservative family values.”

“That’s kinda why we came to find you.” Tarnish said.

“This was supposed to have a happy ending. This was supposed to end with everypony getting what they wanted.” Pinny Lane shook her head, lost within her thoughts, it was clear that she hadn’t heard Tarnish and what he had said. “Free love. No strings attached. A new way of doing things. A new era. A new age of enlightenment. Everypony was supposed to get what they wanted and we were all supposed to be happy… but it didn’t turn out that way.” Pinny Lane squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head.

Tarnish, not knowing what to say to make his mother feel better, glanced at Maud and Pinkie Pie, hoping beyond hope that one of them might know what to do or say to make this better.

Pinny’s eyes opened. “Letrotski wanted me. He loved me, or said he did, but it was a ‘far out and groovy love’ and not a ‘selfish I want to keep you to myself’ love. He made it sound so romantic. It took a lot of convincing on my end, but he gave me my dream. Sometimes I wonder if he loved me at all, or if he was just in love with being in love with me and all the others. I wanted more, but I settled, I was happy to have Tarnish. Those eleven months… I felt so empowered. I was bucking the system… Letrotski kept telling me that. I was the brave single mare that was going to fight the system by being a single mom and I was going to be this great feminist role model. I was going to change the world.” Bitter tears crept down Pinny’s cheeks as she poured her heart out and her voice cracked several times from emotion.

Hearing his mother’s words, Tarnish felt an ache in his heart and a heaviness in his body. He sat down and not long after sitting, he felt a solid foreleg wrap around his withers, pulling him closer. He thought about what his father had said, about having two mares for lunch, and then weighed those words against his mother’s. He felt sick. Glancing at Pinkie, Tarnish realised that the pink mare looked as though she was going to start crying at any moment.

“I don’t feel empowered. I feel bitter, I feel empty, and after today, I feel disappointed with myself.” Pinny turned and looked at her colt. “I’m sorry Tarnish. You’re the only thing I don’t regret in my life… but I still feel so awful over what I’ve done to you.”

“Pinny, we came looking for you so we could find you and tell you that Tarnished Teapot and I are getting married. At the town hall. Today.” Maud’s words were blunt and to the point, and Maud wasted no time making her feelings known.

“Really?” Pinny’s eyes went wide and she stared at both Maud and Tarnish.

Pinkie Pie, sniffling, nodded and gave Pinny Lane a watery smile. “Yeah. These crazy lovebirds… they’re gonna do it. And it’s going to be romantic and perfect and somehow this day will end and it will be just perfect and it had better be perfect, because let’s face it, this day has been full of nasty, no good, not niceness so far.”

“You know, when this idea was first sprung on me, I had some doubts… some worries… but after hearing my mother talk about my father… and having met my father… I dunno… those doubts are gone. Those worries are fading. I don’t want to make those same mistakes. I’ve made enough mistakes already… I’ve done some really, really stupid stuff. And whatever it is that my dad is, I want to become the opposite of that. I don’t want to be my father’s son.” Tarnish sucked in a deep breath, held it, his cheeks puffed out, and he let it out a little at a time from between puckered lips.

“Tarnish, life is all about the choices we make. I’m still debating planting Jeff Letrotski in the ground. He likes fertilising stuff. He would be useful for making flowers grow. We could plant him in a field of poison joke—”

“Maud, not funny.” Pinkie Pie looked at her sister.

“I’m not joking. I’m an earth pony. We plant stuff. It is in our nature. I want to return Jeff Letrotski to the earth.” Maud blinked, her ears pinned back, and then she pulled Tarnish closer. “Plus, the jerk hurt Tarnish. And Pinny. And Pinny is about to be my mother in law. I don’t like that pony… I hope I never see him ever again.” Maud leaned over, pressed her lips against Tarnish’s cheek, and planted a loud smacker of a kiss.

“Tarnish, it is very brave of you to do this. You’re showing remarkable maturity for a colt your age.” Pinny sniffled and smiled at her colt. “I’m proud of you. All of this has to have been so hard on you, and you’re just soldiering on somehow.”

Blushing, Tarnish was unable to reply. He thought about everything that had happened today, everything that had taken place, leading up to this point. He thought about what it meant to be a stallion. To do the right thing. To take responsibility. He thought about Dodge City Junction and his fling with the painted mare. He felt a moment of burning shame for what he had done, he thought about his father, he thought about being careless, shiftless, and bucking responsibility. He could have had his life in control up to this point. The answers had been available all along, but he had shown no motivation, no drive, no sense of doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing. And he had suffered for his shiftlessness. For years, he had the perfect excuse, the little blue flower on his backside.

“Maud, will you marry me?”

“I thought we already had this planned.” Maud looked at Tarnish and then moved her head closer, coming snoot to snoot.

“I think I just grew up a little. I had some thoughts. I got some stuff sorted out in my head. I realised a few things about myself in the span of just a few seconds and I want to be the stallion that you deserve, not the little curious colt that follows you around because of love-crazed infatuation,” Tarnished Teapot said, just saying everything in his heart with no shame or embarrassment.

“Hmm. I see.” Maud paused, and her bored, sleepy expression intensified. “I guess I’ll need to think about it.”

“Maud… you… there’s that humour again… this is what I love about you.”

“It might help me make up my mind if I hear more about the things about me that you love.” Maud leaned in a little closer, now eye to eye with Tarnish.

Tarnish let out a little embarrassed whimper. “Not in front of my mother.”

“So… let me get this straight. You love my humour… and the other parts of me that you love, you can’t say in front of your mother—”

“Maud, no! That isn’t what I was saying at all… I… no… no… ugh…” Stammering, Tarnish looked at his mother and as he did so, he could hear soft feminine tittering. Both his mother and Pinkie Pie were laughing.

“Tarnished Teapot, I will be your wife if you will be my research assistant and companion.” Maud leaned forward, closing the distance, and bumped snoots with Tarnish.

“I love you so much… let’s go and do this before anything else happens,” Tarnish said.

“Come on Pinny, we can cry at the wedding together and then we can laugh about all of this later.” Pinkie Pie lept and wrapped her forelegs around Pinny Lane, drawing her in for a hug. “I still gotta wrangle a cake… no matter, I keep a few around for emergencies.”

Author's Note

Next chapter... bureaucracy.

Bu-rock-racy

Bu-rock-racy

“I feel kinda nervous,” Maud said in a voice of utter calm. “I can feel my stomach flip-flopping around and I feel light headed.” The earth pony paused and stared at city hall for a moment, and then turned to look at Tarnished Teapot, who was hobbling along beside her. “Tell me again how much you love me.”

Twitching, nervous himself, Tarnish looked at Maud, then at his mother, and then at Pinkie Pie, who was grinning a manic grin. “I’m nervous too. I love you in ways that I can’t mention in front of my mother.”

Maud paused, freezing in place, ceasing all forms of movement. Unmoving, unspeaking, Maud remained where she was, and Pinkie Pie, worried, poked her sister a few times, trying to get a response. A pigeon, who happened to be passing by, flew down and landed on top of Maud’s head, confusing the earth pony mare for a statue. Pinkie Pie shooed the pigeon away before the pigeon could do to Maud what pigeons did to statues as a hobby.

“Go away, Mister Pigeon! Why does this keep happening! Go away! Shoo!” Pinkie Pie waved her hoof around as the pigeon departed. “Leave my sister alone, I’m sick of having to shoo you away!”

“That’s not so bad,” Maud said in a deadpan of almost perfect flatness.

“What’s not so bad?” Pinkie Pie asked, still poking and prodding her sister.

“I just looked forward into my life. I imagined myself waking up next to Tarnish for the rest of my days. It was pleasant and I was happy,” Maud replied as she turned her head to look at Pinkie Pie. “Eventually, I woke up one morning and there were foals in the bed with us. That part made me a little scared, but I think I can deal with it. Eventually.”

“Foals?” Tarnish gulped.

“Yeah, those happen,” Pinkie Pie said, sighing as she spoke.

“But they don’t have to happen right away,” Pinny Lane said as she poked her son in the side. “Look, don’t get scared away from the best thing that could happen to you… you can control when foals happen. For now, just focus on being happy together. Travel. See the world. Do research. Spend time being in love. You can always settle in later and start a family. It doesn’t have to happen right now.”

“Let’s go. We need to salvage this day somehow. This day has been just awful,” Maud said as she started forwards once more. Her ears poked forwards, angled over her eyes. Her face was utterly devoid of any sort of expression of grim determination.

“This day has been just awful, the kind of day that I have feared since I was small… because some stallion with commitment fears, he has caused a lot of tears, and now my sister wants to crush his baaaaaaaaalls—”

“Pinkie Pie, not now.” Maud shook her head.

“Aw… nuts… I was hoping to break out in song.” Pinkie Pie followed after her sister and she smiled when she heard both Tarnish and Pinny chortling. Giggle-snorting, Pinkie pronked into the air and kicked all of her hooves together.

Looking up, the clerk spotted the four ponies approaching and knew right away why they were there. She began pulling out the proper forms. One mare, stoic. One mare, older, obvious mother, eyes red and cheeks stained from weeping. One colt, younger, foal-faced, eyes also all red and weepy. And one Pinkie Pie, which meant that all kinds of paperwork might have to be filed, depending on what happened next.

“Hi,” the clerk said in a nasal voice. She slid the paperwork forward. “Marriage, right?”

“How did you know?” the colt asked.

“I just know these things.” The clerk cleared her throat. “My name is Afternoon Delight. And don’t you dare laugh.”

“Why would I laugh?” the colt asked.

“Ah, to be young and innocent,” Afternoon Delight replied as the older mare beside the colt began to gnaw her lip. “Are you cousins? If so, we have special paperwork for that. We had to draft it for the Apple family after there were repeated kerfluffles.” Afternoon Delight watched as the colt stood there, blinking, a vacant expression upon his face. The mare pushed a few pens forward and waited for the paperwork to be filled out.

The colt and the stoic looking mare began going through the paperwork and Afternoon Delight smiled at the pair. They seemed like a nice enough couple. At least there was no signs of physical violence as a means of coercion. Guilt was the probable means of getting the poor colt to agree to this. Afternoon Delight leaned forward over the counter.

“So when is the foal due?”

“What?” the colt said in a panicked voice.

“Oh, no no no!” the older mare said in a worried voice. “They’re getting married because they want to. Maud’s not pregnant… at least I don’t think… as far as I know.”

“Sure… I understand.” Afternoon Delight nodded her head, agreeing, playing along. “I understand. Don’t want to cause a scandal. It’s easy enough to say that the foal was born a little early I suppose.”

Pinkie Pie, standing a short distance away, began humming, which caused Afternoon Delight no end of alarm. When the pink pony got bored, bad things happened. The pink pony was every bureaucrat’s nightmare and Afternoon Delight already had the disaster forms ready to be filled out.

“Look, Maud isn’t pregnant… I’m marrying her because I want to commit and settle down… I’ve made enough mistakes in my life, a whole bunch of mistakes, and I want to do the right thing,” the colt said as he scribbled on his paper.

“Impressive… how many mistakes do you have running around?” Afternoon Delight asked as she raised her eyebrow. The colt had some kind of testicular fortitude to talk so openly about his mistakes as he was getting married.

“What? Wait… NO! I didn’t mean it like that… no… no…” the colt shook his head.

“Tarnish is madly in love with me,” the stoic looking mare said in a flat monotone.

Afternoon Delight nodded. The mare sounded as though she was going to drop dead from boredom at any moment. It was clear to anypony with a lick of common sense that this mare didn’t want to be here, but was following through with this because of some misguided sense of obligation. Afternoon Delight took a deep breath and felt a sense of regret, knowing that there was going to be yet another loveless marriage in the world, a loveless marriage devoid of affection, of passion, and that some poor foals were going to have to grow up, watching their parents hate each other, give each other the silent treatment, and the foals would grow up feeling resented, knowing that their birth was seen as a mistake, further contributing to the many problems in the world. But Afternoon Delight said nothing. It was not her place to judge.

“Why is there a form for inter-tribal marriage?” the older mare asked, looking over the shoulder of the colt.

“Tax purposes. If you marry outside of your tribe, you get a tax break. It is part of an incentive program established by the Crown.” Afternoon Delight was tempted to say something about sham marriages for tax breaks, but said nothing. She was already seeing a sham marriage, and there was no need to call attention to that fact.

At least, not much attention.

“Why do I need to sign to release my school records?” the colt asked, shaking his head. “This seems overly complicated… just to get married.”

“I didn’t create the system, I just keep it going,” Afternoon Delight replied. “Do either of you wish to register a new name?”

“Ooooh! Maud Teapot!” Pinkie Pie blurted out as she began to dance around. “Or Tarnished Pie!”

“No, no name change,” the stoic mare said in a low voice.

“Now, if you will excuse me, but I am required by law to ask… are either of you being coerced against your will into the bonds of matrimony?” Afternoon Delight asked, already knowing the answer. She looked at the poor colt, hoping that he would be brave enough to say something, and Afternoon Delight could get him the help that he deserved before his life was ruined.

“I’m here because I want to be here,” the colt replied in a squeaky voice.

“There is nopony else I want to wake up next to,” the stoic mare said.

Afternoon Delight sighed and realised that she was going to need a union mandated coffee break once this was over. There was nothing in the mare’s voice, it was empty, it held no trace of love, compassion, or warmth. A wedding was supposed to be a happy occasion, a joyful time. Afternoon Delight lost a little more faith in her fellow equines, and her nature as a soulless bureaucrat grew stronger. It was starting to feel as if there was no point in even trying anymore.

The final signatures were placed upon the piles of paperwork and Afternoon Delight pulled the paperwork closer to her. She was going to get lots of good therapeutic time with her rubber stamp later. If only she could stamp out the world’s problems the same way she could stamp paperwork. She looked up at the colt and the stoic mare and cleared her throat.

“You are now married in the eyes of the Crown. You can annul within seventy two hours without consequences or cost. This will be five bits. Your marriage licence will be mailed to your residence in four to six weeks. Thank you, have a nice day. Please pay at the payment collection window.”

“That’s it? Just like that?” the colt asked as he blinked and looked around.

“Yep. That’s it. This is why ponies come to city hall to be married. Efficiency. Good luck.” Afternoon Delight reached up and began to pull down the sliding wooden panel that would close her counter.

“This seems anti-climactic,” the stoic mare said in a low voice.

Afternoon Delight paused for a moment, the wooden panel halfway down. She peered through. “What did you expect? If you wish to claim your new husband’s many mistakes as dependents, there are forms for that. You can even file for joint custody if you’d like. Now if you will excuse me, I am due for a break.”

With a clunk, Afternoon Delight slammed the wooden panel down, closing her counter, and sealing herself off from the public. She stared down at the paperwork, felt a growing sense of bitterness, and for a brief moment, she pondered quitting her job.

But that would involve too much paperwork.

Author's Note

I suppose I should regret something...

Invited inside

That wasn’t quite the wedding that Tarnished Teapot had expected, but then again, he had never given much thought to being married. This whole day had been very, very long so far. His mother was smiling again, but also crying, and she kept muttering about something that Tarnish could not quite make out. Pinkie Pie was her usual bouncy self. And Maud, Maud was Maud. Tarnish figured that Maud would tell him how she was feeling about all of this later.

Realising that something was amiss, that something had been forgotten, Tarnish came to a halt and then said, “Maud… hold up.”

“What?” Maud turned and looked at Tarnish.

“There is something I need to do.” Tarnish felt his mouth go dry at the worst possible moment, and he was all too aware that his mother was staring at him. So was Maud. Pinkie Pie was still bouncing ahead, not at all aware that the others had stopped.

Licking his lips, Tarnish became aware that other ponies were staring, watching, waiting, at least it felt that way. It felt as though there were a million eyes focused on Tarnish right now. He took a step forward, closer to Maud, he could feel himself trembling, and the way that Maud stared at him wasn’t making anything any easier. He tilted his head off to one side, and he could feel his lips quivering. Just before contact, he closed his eyes, and then felt his snoot bump up against something warm, somewhat fuzzy, and a little damp from her breathing. He found her lips and then drew Maud in, kneading his lips against hers, she was unmoving, at least right at this moment, but Tarnish knew that she would respond; she always did.

He could feel his lips sliding over hers, there was a growing moistness, and he felt Maud react. Her head tilted to one side, and he could feel her breathing. He felt one strong foreleg wrap around his neck, pulling him closer, and he could feel Maud against his chest, against the base of his neck. He felt the tip of Maud’s tongue flick against his lips, a little curious lick, and he returned the gesture. He opened his eyes, only just a little, and could see that Maud’s eyes were closed. Tarnish closed his eyes once more, relying upon his other senses. Maud was a slow kisser. She did everything with a slow, careful pace.

Tarnish might have initiated this kiss, but now he was along for the ride. He felt his knees wobble as suction increased. Maud was working the kiss now, slippery lips slid across one another, and Tarnish was overwhelmed by the rough sensation of Maud’s tongue sliding back and forth across his own. There was friction in the kiss, even with the slipperiness, and Tarnish could feel his lips growing warmer. Feeling emboldened, Tarnish asserted a bit of dominance, getting ahold of Maud’s bottom lip and suckling upon it, his tongue now moving like a paint brush back and forth over the edge of her lower lip.

He heard a whinny and felt heavy breath flooding into his mouth; it took a moment to realise that it was Maud whinnying. Tarnish was seeing stars now, and the need for air was almost painful. Regretting his action even before he did it, he pulled away, leaving behind a thin trailing string of slobber that he did not see because his eyes were closed.

Trembling, his whole body shaking, Tarnish struggled to breathe. He felt breathless. He opened his eyes. Maud’s mane was a curly mess now. Her eyes were closed, and she was sucking on her own lips. Other than that, she was as she always was, and her expression was unreadable.

The rushing sound in Tarnish’s ears subsided, the sound of blood rushing, and Tarnish became aware of the fact that ponies were hooting and cheering. He had himself a quick glance around. There were a lot of ponies hooting and cheering.

“That was some kiss.”

Embarrassed, Tarnished Teapot realised that was his mother’s voice. He drew in another shuddering breath and felt Maud’s foreleg let go of him, slipping away, allowing him to take a few steps back. He saw Maud’s eyes open halfway, and her usual somewhat sleepy somewhat bored expression returned.

“You.” Maud said in a flat, seductive monotone. “Later, you and I are going to finish what you just started.”

At least, Tarnish imagined it as a seductive monotone. In his ears, it was the most alluring voice he could think of. It held all sorts of promise of wonderful things to come. That was the magic of Maud’s voice; it left a little to the imagination. It was a little like seeing a mare dressed up in a sexy, seductive dress. It left her covered up and what she looked like beneath it was left up to the imagination.

“Is it just me or is it warm?” Maud asked.

“I’m warm too!” one of the ponies who witnessed the kiss shouted.

“It is a little warm,” Pinny said, her red, bloodshot eyes somehow looking happy.

“Did I miss something?” Pinkie Pie asked as she came bouncing back.

“You know, I think everything is going to be okay… and this day can be salvaged.” Pinny Lane looked at Maud, then at Pinkie, and then at her colt. “I’ve gained a daughter.”

Pinkie Pie, her blue eyes filling up with tears, stood there, smiling, her lips trembling. “Take me too!” Pinkie cried as she tackled Pinny Lane, bowling her over, wrapping her forelegs around Pinny’s neck. “Take me, take me, take me!”

“Okay, several daughters…”

The impromptu party in Sugarcube Corner seemed to be taking off. Sipping a cup of poison joke tea, Tarnish sat in the corner, pleased about the soft blue glow from his amulet. His mother was chatting with Mrs. Cake while Mr. Cake looked after Pound and Pumpkin, who seemed to be the life of the party, with guests fawning over both of them.

Maud was dancing with her sister Pinkie Pie. Maud stood there, more or less, while Pinkie Pie bounced in circles around Maud. There was music, and even if it was music that Tarnish didn’t care for, it seemed that everypony else was enjoying it. Tarnish, an odd sort when it came to music, liked waltzes. Or music with a lot of horns.

He gulped down the last of his tea, summoned his courage, got up from his seat, crossed the room, pushed past several ponies, and approached Maud with one eyebrow raised in what Tarnished hoped looked suave and sophisticated.

“Excuse me, Pinkie Pie, but might I borrow your sister for a dance?” Tarnish asked.

“Sure! Just return her when you’re done,” Pinkie Pie replied in a chirpy, almost syrupy voice that bubbled with good cheer.

Bowing his head, Tarnish then gave Maud a saucy wink as he lifted his head back up. He extended his leg that had a cast on it, then smiled. “Dance with me?”

“Oh, I don’t know, we hardly know one another,” Maud replied in a disinterested sounding voice. “My mother warned me about dancing with strange colts. They can get gropy.”

Snickering, Tarnish’s eyes narrowed as his grin widened. “Why, Missus Pie, make no mistake, I do intend to grope you.”

“Hmm… at least you’re honest about it.” Maud blinked and looked as though she might drop into a deep slumber at any moment. “I’ll dance with you, but the hooves stay above the cutie marks. Don’t get fresh with me or you’ll be sorry.”

Moving with slow assurance, Maud rose up onto her hind hooves, lifted Tarnish up, and steadied him before he fell over backwards. She slipped a foreleg around his ribs, and her other foreleg around his neck, just above his withers. She felt his forelegs slip around her in much the same position, and the coarseness of his cast was rough against her smock covered back.

“Wait, you can actually dance?” Tarnish asked as Maud whisked him around.

“All four of us Pie sisters can dance. Mother insisted on us taking lessons. She has this long lecture about good and proper mares knowing how to dance.” Maud hugged Tarnish a little closer. “I think I understand now why she was so insistent about the issue.”

“When we’re alone, when it's just us, and we’re out in the field somewhere, and the day is done, and the stars are out, will you teach me how to dance?” Tarnish asked in a low voice, leaning against Maud, feeling her neck against his, he could feel her breathing and something about it excited him.

“Oh, I think I’d like that,” Maud said in a dull, flat monotone. “The nights were the worst. It got lonely out there. Sometimes, more than anything, I just wanted to go home so I could be with somepony that loved me.”

“It’s hard being lonely. I understand that.” Tarnish almost stumbled and he felt Maud holding him up as he regained his hoofing. “You know, just so you know, I really do love you. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to know your secrets.”

“I guess I’d better come up with some secrets.” Maud heaved a contented sigh as she continued dancing neck to neck.

“Is this how you imagined getting married?” Tarnish asked.

“Tarnish, before I met you, I never had dreams about getting married. I gave up on those. I didn’t think that anypony would be interested. Nopony really put much effort in trying to understand me,” Maud replied. “I had dreadful fears Tarnish… that I would be the sort of mare that lives with her parents to stave off loneliness. That I’d be the weird aunt that vicariously has foals through her sisters and is kinda creepy to be around. I was afraid of being bitter and disillusioned, burned out on life, living only for my career and my studies.”

“That’s awful.” Tarnish closed his eyes and ran the hoof of his good leg up and down Maud’s spine. “I’m glad we found each other.” Tarnish was aware that there was a crowd around them, but they all seemed distant somehow. He continued to allow his hoof to slide up and down Maud’s spine.

“That was almost below my cutie mark,” Maud said in deadpan. “Just you wait until I tell my mother about you.”

Chortling, Tarnish pressed himself against Maud, clinging to her, allowing his hoof to keep wandering. The fabric of her smock was smooth and slippery against his pelt and there were little crinkling sounds as he moved against her. Pulling his head away, Tarnished Teapot opened his eyes just enough to guide his muzzle to her lips once more. He pressed in, soft at first, he could feel the plumpness of Maud’s lips against his. He felt her lips part, just a little, and he was aware of the hardness of Maud’s teeth, he could feel them pressed against the back of her lips. Her mouth opened a little more, her teeth spreading apart, and Tarnish could feel the softness in Maud’s lips now, and like everything else about her, they were muscular and firm.

There was something arousing when a mare opened herself up, inviting you inside, giving you a willing invitation. The back of Tarnish’s mind contemplated this aspect of life as the kiss intensified. She was trusting you, trusting in your gentleness and your decency. She was trusting in love, trusting that when she opened herself up, that she would not be hurt. A mare was vulnerable in these moments, opened, exposed, their tender places, the very places that made them feminine, were now unguarded and there was an invitation to experience the most intimate touch of all. She was inviting you inside, where her heart was.

With all of this floating in the back of his mind, Tarnish’s tongue crept forward, past Maud’s lips, a curious visitor, and he felt Maud’s tongue rising up to say hello. The underside of her tongue was smooth, standing out in sharp contrast against the rough topside. He felt one of Maud’s forelegs slip from around him, and then he felt something under his chin, tilting his head back, and then he felt Maud press her advantage and her lips against him, applying pressure. His hind knees buckled and he felt his legs give way, but he did not fall. Maud was holding him up, her one strong foreleg still wrapped around his body.

Recovering, Tarnish kicked his hind legs downwards, bracing himself, pushing upwards, his body sliding against Maud, and he lifted his good foreleg up, wrapped it around Maud’s neck, and hooked his fetlock around the back of Maud’s head, pulling her in even tighter. His lips were tingling now, almost throbbing, and he could feel the blood rushing through his ears.

After a few more intense seconds, he pulled away, gasping, aware that the kiss needed to end before his arousal became a growing problem. He stared into Maud’s open eyes, fell in, and got lost, never wanting to be found.

Gazing into each other’s eyes, the pair was unaware that the entire party had stopped and everypony in the room was now staring at them, wide eyed, mouths open, awestruck by the blistering display of romantic affection.

Author's Note

Extra saucy chapter with a very important life lesson buried inside of it somewhere. Feel free to talk about it. Or curse me for leaving you hot and bothered. I don't mind. Call me anything you like, just don't call me late for dinner.

Frosted Pie

Pinny Lane watched as her colt danced with the mare that was now his wife. She sighed, realising that he couldn’t be called a colt much longer. He was at that troublesome point that one reaches in life, not quite a foal, but not quite an adult, but the threshold. And now, with marriage, with a career, with his whole life ahead of him, he was going to cross that threshold. Pinny Lane hoped for the very best for him.

In such a short amount of time, so much had changed. She had been reunited with Tarnished Teapot, her colt. She had learned the cause of her neglect and her abandonment. She still felt terrible, wanting to blame herself, but she knew that this was not healthy. It was time to let all of that go and focus on what was certain to be a happy future.

Smiling, Pinny watched as Pinkie Pie pranced around Maud and Tarnish, and then began laughing when she saw Pinkie Pie steal Tarnish away from Maud, doing what sisters do. Pinkie bounced Tarnish around a few times, gave him a twirl, dipped him, and then with what can only be described as earth pony strength, Pinkie Pie tossed Tarnished Teapot back to Maud, who caught him.

It felt good to hear Tarnish laughing. He had been such an unhappy colt, and Pinny knew why. Reaching up, Pinny wiped tears away from her eyes, not certain what sort of tears they were. Happy tears, tears of guilt, tears of loss, it didn’t matter. Pinny was determined not to cry anymore today.

“Hey, we now have a cake worthy of the happy new couple!” Mister Cake shouted as he pushed a wheeled cart into the room. “We had to use a confetti cake, but Pinkie insisted that it would be okay.”

The cake was tall, had a few teirs, and was covered in Pinkie Pie Pink frosting. White frosting roses had covered the cake willy nilly, and in between the white the roses were blue frosting flowers. Pinkie Pie had done her best to create poison joke flowers on the cake, which was somehow fitting.

“So that’s what you’ve been doing when you slipped off from the party,” Maud Pie said to her sister. “Here I thought you had bladder problems.”

Throwing back her head, Pinkie Pie shrieked with laughter, her bright blue eyes twinkling. The earth pony mare howled with laughter, tried to recover, wiped her eyes, and then pointed at Maud. “You’re the funniest pony I know, Maud. I’m so happy for you. Good luck, Maud!”

Pinkie Pie lept forward and threw her forelegs around Maud’s neck. She squeezed and squeezed, throwing all she had into it, rubbing herself up against Maud. “I just want you happy Maud… you’re the best big sister a pony could ask for. You made my life special!”

“Thank you, Pinkie,” Maud replied, wrapping one leg around Pinkie and squeezing.

“Now you have to cut the cake,” Pinkie Pie said as she slipped free from Maud and gestured at the cake. She leaned over, placed her hoof against the side of her mouth, and whispered to Tarnish, “This is where you smear frosting on Maud’s face.”

Nervous, standing on three legs, Tarnish wasn’t certain how he was going to help Maud cut the cake. Magic? He blinked, not knowing what to do. He glanced at Maud, who seemed to be waiting.

“Tarnish, you cut the cake.” Maud gave Tarnish a sleepy stare. “Then do what you must do. I understand.”

Reaching out with his telekinesis, which seemed strong and stable, Tarnished Teapot lifted up the large knife. He made one swift slice, lifted the knife, and then made another. A wedge of cake slipped free and he tugged out, lifting it from the bottom with the knife.

He dropped it on to a plate, grinned, and then using his telekinesis once more, he pulled free one of the blue frosting flowers. He flicked it at Maud’s nose and it landed with a splat. He watched Maud go cross eyed looking at the blue frosting on her nose.

“Don’t leave me hanging Tarnish. I have to look pretty silly standing here like this,” Maud said, sounding bored to the extreme. She stook a slow step forwards.

Nervous, aware that everypony was watching, Tarnish stepped forward to finish the job. His orange tongue protruded, and with a hesitant lick, he sampled some of the frosting on the pony that was now his wife. “Mmm, not bad. Frosted Pie.”

Giggle-snorting, Pinkie Pie began to bounce around, unable to contain her pent up happiness. She watched as Tarnish licked more frosting from Maud’s face, and Pinkie could see her sister’s joy. Maud was about to explode from glee, and Pinkie Pie was glad that she had a part in making her sister happy. Pinkie Pie wished her own special somepony was here to share in this moment.

“Who’s ready to paaaaar-tay!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she began to cut the cake and serve slices to the guests.

The sun was setting on Ponyville. Standing just outside of Sugarcube Corner, Tarnished Teapot stood beside his wife, watching as the party inside of Sugarcube Corner spilled out into the streets, showing no signs of stopping.

“I could use some peace and quiet,” Maud said to Tarnish. She saw Tarnish nod. Maud looked around. “We should go back to our tent for a little alone time.”

Tarnish’s ears perked and stood straight up. He turned to look at Maud. “This has been the most wonderful day… it started off a little rough, but this has been a wonderful day.”

“This day isn’t over yet. I have plans for you. You better not be tired,” Maud replied.

“I’m hyped up on sugar.” Tarnish blinked and shook his head. “My ears are buzzing. The music got a little loud. Everything is getting out of hoof.”

“The party stopped being about us a few hours ago.” Maud watched as Pinkie Pie worked the growing crowd, getting them whipped into a frenzy. “This party is going to be epic and trust me, we don’t want to be anywhere near ground zero. Let’s sneak away.”

“Good idea.” Tarnish looked around, trying to figure out the best route of escape.

“Tarnish?”

“Yes Maud?”

“I really do love you… I want you to know that. I know how I am. I know that you worry. But I can’t think of a better pony to spend my life with.” Maud paused and then looked Tarnish in the eye. “Now let’s get out of here so we can go someplace and watch the stars.”

Author's Note

A short chapter this time.

Soon, we say our goodbyes to Ponyville.

A thirsty weed longs for morning dew

Eyes unopened, a half awake Tarnished Teapot yawned. He could hear birds chirping. He was warm, wrapped up in a blanket with a warm body beside him in the grass. There had been a lot of stargazing last night, he and Maud had taken turns. Tarnish had hazy, fevered memories of laying on his back with Maud straddling him, looking up at both her and the stars. Or Maud below him, looking up at him, and no doubt seeing stars as well.

Tilting his head back, Tarnish’s nose bumped into dew covered grass. He stuck his tongue out, licking away the dew, trying to moisten his dry mouth. He didn’t feel like crawling out of the blanket and being exposed to the cool dawn air. He didn’t feel like waking up Maud, who was still sleeping, somehow looking just as bored when she slept as she did during her waking hours.

He was sore and ached all over. He had a worrisome nagging thought about Pinkie Pie showing up with breakfast. He felt like he needed a shower. There was something else as well, something that nagged at his mind. Flopping over, he fumbled for his amulet, trying to see the sapphire. It was not the soft, faded shade of blue it should be. It had grown a little darker and was now approaching a purple dusk colour.

Worried, Tarnish was wide awake now. Feeling alarmed, he scrambled out of the makeshift bed, stumbled over his own wobbly legs, and went down face first into the grass. Grumbling to himself, he picked himself up, lurched off towards the tent, put the kettle on to boil, and realised that the cast iron stove had gone out at some point during the night.

Whimpering, Tarnish began to feel strong panic. He didn’t want things going wrong. He looked around, trying to figure out what to do, all while feeling the growing urge to go out and empty his bladder, which was now awake and very, very unhappy.

Using his telekinesis, he stuffed some wood into the stove, added some tinder from a box by the stove, and then thought about hot thoughts. Passion made fire, strong emotion, or anger. His brain presented him with nothing and no magic came forth.

“Fudge,” Tarnish swore, his tail swishing with irritation. “Come on, I need some magic. I hope it’s safe to use magic at this point. I need boiling water.”

He forced his brain to think about something passionate. Passion. There had to be something that made him feel something that would work to get the fire going. He thought about last night. Maud’s sleepy expression. Her heavy breathing. The way that Maud’s ear would twitch just before she climaxed.

“Gah!” Tarnish cried as his horn blazed with a piercing light and fire sprang up from the tender. Now he was aroused, needed to go pee, and worried about his magic causing a disaster. This was going to be some morning.

“You know, you could have used a match.”

Tarnish turned and looked at Maud. She was standing in the opening of the tent, naked, without her smock, watching him. She looked sleepy, but she always looked sleepy. As he stood staring, Maud yawned, showing her flat, square teeth and that little dangly thingy in the back of her throat.

“Tarnish, let me fix the tea. I can tell by the way you keep shifting around that you have other pressing concerns. Everything will be fine. Go on, go look after yourself.”

“Right. Thank you. You are amazing.”

“I know. There is no point in bragging about it. You’ve already won me over.”

“I love you in stupid, crazy ways,” Tarnish said as he made his exit.

Sipping tea, Tarnish was glad to see the sapphire in his amulet glowing a cool blue. His stomach rumbled. He watched as Maud entered the tent once more, stepping inside after taking care of her own needs.

He watched as Maud approached, drew near, he watched her head tilt, and then his vision was filled with Maud, who was kissing him, a sweet good morning peck, a gentle touching of the lips. She pulled away, stepped back, and sat down, getting comfortable beside Tarnish. There was a second cup of tea sitting on the low wooden table.

“One cup of tea, hot, no sugar,” Tarnish said.

“Marvellous.”

“Did you sleep well?”

“Tarnished Teapot, we were up all night.” Maud blinked. “I slept very little.”

Staring into Maud’s face, Tarnish had another epiphany. Much like Maud’s voice, Maud’s face left much to the imagination. It was blank, almost expressionless, and he had to rely upon his imagination to try and capture her emotion. He had to think about Maud, try to reason out what she might be feeling and why. Much like her voice, it was like looking at a mare in a long dress and wondering what she looked like beneath it. What her cutie mark might be. By not being expressive, Maud was mysterious and appealing.

“You’re staring.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Well, don’t stop. I like it.” Maud lifted up her teacup between her hooves and blew into her tea. She closed her eyes, her long eyelashes now resting upon her cheek, unaware that what she was doing was stoking Tarnish’s fire and giving his imagination something to work with. The steam from the cup rose and was sucked into her nostrils.

“Maud, what happens now? I mean, what’s next for us?” Tarnish asked.

Opening her eyes, Maud looked at Tarnish. “We get your leg checked. It’s been about four weeks, it might be healed enough. We get that cast removed. We gather up supplies, get our notebooks, pack everything into my wagon, say goodbye to those we love, and then we hit the road. After that, we go to sites of geological interest and I continue to survey those sites, trying to learn all I can about them.”

“That sounds good,” Tarnish said.

“Our first stop will be the Ghastly Gorge. There is a nexus there that I’ve been dying to investigate and all kinds of interesting geological formations. After that, we go to the Scariest Cave in Equestria.”

“Oh, that sounds delightful.” Tarnish took a sip of tea.

“That is not a normal reaction.” Maud looked Tarnish in the eye.

“I’ve given up on any pretence of normal. I have a weird wife, might as well live a weird life.” Tarnish tossed his head back to get his mane out of his eyes. “Let’s face it Maud, you and I were made for weird. We’re not normal ponies.”

“No. No we are not.” Maud resumed staring down into her teacup.

“We are ideally suited for one another and our chosen professions. A shared destiny. To go out and walk the ways of the weird. To walk the tattered fringes of reality.” Tarnish tilted back his teacup and took a swallow.

“You make it sound so romantic. It makes me want to kiss you,” Maud said, sounding as though she would drop into a deep slumber at any moment, showing the same amount of enthusiasm for kissing as one did for cleaning toilets.

Just as Tarnish was getting ready to say something flirty to his bride, the tent flap opened and Pinkie Pie poked her head in. She had her eyes squeezed shut and her ears were perked.

“Here I am! Here I am! Stop whatever it is that you might be doing and pay attention! Sister delivering breakfast!” Pinkie Pie waited for some kind of response, a smile upon her face.

“Come on in Pinkie. Tarnish just threw me down on the floor and was about to ravish me,” Maud said to Pinkie Pie in a voice of utter flatness.

“Maud, I can’t tell if you are being funny. Is it safe to open my eyes?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“We’re drinking tea and talking about what we’re going to do next.” Tarnish cleared his throat. “Come in, it’s safe.”

“Whew!” Pinkie Pie opened her eyes and looked around. She had a picnic basket balanced upon her back. “Your mother plans to be by in a little while. She wants to spend some time with both of you. Twilight Sparkle sends her best wishes. I can’t stay long. There is some kind of cutie mark crisis and the map is sending us off on an adventure!”

“Map? Crisis?” Tarnish, confused, stared at Pinkie.

“Never mind about that. It’s a lot to explain.” Pinkie Pie beamed. “But we have time to have breakfast together!”

Author's Note

Interesting to note, if Pinkie can't see Maud, she can't tell if Maud is being silly or not.

The Unabridged Compendium of Curious and Peculiar Geological Oddities: Volume CCCXXXIV

Emerging from the bathroom, having just showered, Tarnish felt a lot better. He peered up and down the vast hallways of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s crystal castle. This place was huge. He started down the hall, moving at his slow, ambling three legged gait, heading back to the place where Maud was waiting.

When he rounded the corner into the sitting room, he saw Maud and he felt his heart skip a beat. She had showered as well and her mane, full of curls, was still somewhat damp. She was writing something in a notebook.

“Twilight Sparkle left more tea. Zecora made up a huge batch of it.” Maud paused and lifted up her pencil, held with her hoof. “Twilight Sparkle wants to read our research. If we can give her a good summation and show good data, she might become a financial backer for us.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Tarnish said in reply. He approached Maud’s side, lifted his head, pressed his lips just behind Maud’s ear, and left a kiss behind. He felt Maud’s muscles quiver from his touch as his lips lingered. He sniffed, drawing in her scent. She smelled like floral soap.

“That tickles.” Maud’s voice sounded as though she had never been tickled in her whole life. Reaching out, Maud tried to shoo Tarnish away with her hoof. “Don’t do that.”

Smiling, Tarnish pulled away, though still tempted to give Maud another tickle, for all the good it would do. “Ready to go out and face the world?”

“Yeah, give me a minute to collect my stuff.” Maud lifted her head. “I plan to catch the evening train back home tonight. Is that okay with you?”

It seemed a little abrupt, but Tarnish couldn’t think of a compelling reason to stay. His mother might be upset, but they could write letters and she knew of Tarnish’s magic mirror. She could also come to visit. After some thought, Tarnish nodded, feeling it was time to go. “I’d like to get out on the road. You know, we could get my leg checked here, today, and see if the cast is ready to come off. I know my mother wanted to spend some time with us today, but surely we can spare a little time to do that.”

“Seems reasonable,” Maud replied. She blinked as she closed her notebook and then began to stuff her belongings into a saddlebag. “I want to be on the road too. With you. I must admit, showing you my cave, and going down with you, just the two us together… that was a happy moment for me.”

Tarnished Teapot, for all of his recent maturity, was still a sixteen year old colt. He began to giggle because of Maud’s words. He heard Maud sigh and his giggles made him start snorting.

“Colts,” Maud said in deadpan. “I suppose it is worth it for the stamina and enthusiasm.”

“How do you think your parents will take the news?” Tarnish asked as he tried to get his giggles under control. “Our parents… I guess… this is new to me.”

“I dunno. I suspect they will go out of their minds with happiness.” Maud gave a miniscule shrug. “Mother gave me a long talk about marrying you. Said she approved.”

“Well, going home should be a breeze. Ready to face the day?”

“Yeah. I’m looking forward to our day,” Maud replied in a voice that held no detectable trace of enthusiasm.

“I hate waiting.” Tarnish let out an irritated snort.

“Tarnished Teapot, sit still and stop being a fidgety-foal.” Pinny Lane looked up from her magazine with one eyebrow raised.

“Mom, I’m not a foal!” Tarnish, exasperated, shook his head.

“Stop acting like it. Read a magazine and sit still like an adult.” Pinny Lane dropped her nose back down behind her magazine so she could continue reading.

Making up for lost time with his mother, Tarnished Teapot stuck his tongue out. From behind her magazine, Pinny Lane began giggling, causing Tarnish to wonder how she had seen him. He dismissed it as secret motherhood powers, such as mothers having eyes in the back of their heads.

“You and Marble both,” Maud said as she shook her head and continued to read a book about rocks. The Unabridged Compendium of Curious and Peculiar Geological Oddities: Volume CCCXXXIV.

“Um, Mister Teapot, do follow me,” a nurse said in a pleasant sounding voice.

“Put a little weight on it but not too much. If you have severe pain, keep weight off of it for a while. The bone did a good job of healing, it was set well.” Doctor Horse peered through his glasses at Tarnish’s leg. “You’re missing a little hair but I think you’re good to go. Any questions?”

Tarnish shook his head and then he looked at the remains of his cast. It had been cut in two and the saw had scared him a bit. He looked down at his leg, which looked a little thinner somehow. Was it thinner? Tarnish didn’t know. He looked up at the doctor. “I have no questions. I think I’m good. Thanks!”

“Well then, good luck.” Doctor Horse backed up towards the door. “Best thing you can do now is regular exercise, just don’t over do it. I recommend long walks with your pretty wife.”

“We plan to walk across Equestria,” Tarnish said with a wide grin.

“Oh my. That is a long walk…”

“You’re limping… you’re limping, are you sure you should be walking on it?” Pinny asked in a voice fraught with worry. She stood beside her son, her face full of concern.

“I’m fine. It hurts a little, but not much. I need to start walking on it.” Tarnish, feeling embarrassed, tried not to show it. He liked having his mother dote over him. It felt nice, even if it was a little awkward. “So what was the plan for today?”

“Oh, that’s a surprise!” Pinny’s worried face broke into a hesitant smile as she walked beside Tarnish. Lifting her head, Pinny looked over Tarnish’s back at Maud. “Can you swim?”

“For some reason, I float. My sister once used me as an emergency raft.” Maud lifted her own head to look at Pinny. “Why do you ask?”

“Oh, just in case of emergency. I don’t want to spoil the surprise,” Pinny replied, some of her worry easing as she watched Tarnish limping along. Pinny’s ears fell back against her head. “I know that this can be an awkward thing to say, but I really hope that the both of you had a nice time at the party yesterday—” Pinny paused, taking a deep breath before she continued. “—and that you had a good time last night. Look, I don’t want to know details or anything, I just want to know that my son is happy… I guess I’m making up for lost time… I don’t know… I just… I just… I just want to know that my son is happy and I want to be a part of his life… your life… both of you… I still feel so bad… I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry today.” Pinny squeezed her eyes shut and leaned up against Tarnish, unable to see, relying upon him to lead her along.

“Pinny, you can come and visit us on the rock farm. It might make your magic unpredictable, but there is a hotel in Rock Haven if that makes it easier. You can come and visit us any time that we are home. Don’t be a stranger. We’ll try to come to Ponyville if we can,” Maud said to Pinny. “And if you don’t mind taking a train, we can send word ahead and you can meet us in the cities when we resupply.”

“I’d like that. I can take a train.” Pinny opened her eyes and sniffled a bit. She stood up, no longer leaning on Tarnish, and some of her usual bounce returned to her step.

“You could come home with us tonight,” Maud offered. “I don’t know how long we’ll be at home, but you could come with us. Meet my parents. We could be a family together.”

“I might just do that,” Pinny replied. The mare cleared her throat.

“I’d like that, I think.” Tarnish looked at his mother and then at Maud. His feelings towards his mother were still complicated and he was still coming to terms with everything that had happened. He still hadn’t had the time to think everything over, and he still didn’t know how he felt about everything that had transpired.

Pinny took a deep breath, leaned over, and kissed her son on the cheek. “Let’s go have a good day together.”

Hesitating, Tarnished Teapot eyed the big wooden swan paddle boat. He had seen these before but had never been in one. It had a big orange beak and the body had fresh white paint. There was enough space for four ponies to sit down and be comfortable, plus space for personal belongings or a picnic basket. In the back of the boat there was a big wheel, large enough for a pony or two to stand in and walk, thus propelling the boat forward.

“This looks fun,” Maud said in a flat voice devoid of any indication of interest. “Can I power the wheel?” Maud pushed past Tarnish and boarded the boat, moving with a bit more speed than usual.

There were other boats like this one out on the water already, large wooden swans moving in a serene manner through the water. Taking a cautious step, Tarnish stepped off the dock and boarded the boat. He felt it rock beneath his hooves and he almost lost his balance. He felt a strong foreleg snatch him, reaching beneath his barrel. He looked up and saw Maud, her snoot inches away from his.

“No.” Maud said, making her feelings on the issue of Tarnish falling down clear.

With a powerful jerk, Maud lifted Tarnish up in the air with one foreleg, moved him to the seating area, and then set him down. “Stay.”

Pinny, still on the docks, stood wide eyed with her mouth hanging open.

Seeing Pinny’s shocked expression, Maud shrugged, took a deep breath, and then said, “I can’t have Tarnish getting hurt. I look after what I love. Like Pinkie Pie. Or Marble and Limestone.”

Mouth still agape, Pinny stepped into the boat, mindful of the boat’s rocking. She made her way to the seating area, sat down beside Tarnish, and never once took her eyes off of Maud. She slipped off her saddlebags, undoing the buckle, and set them in the storage space.

Maud went to the swan’s wing, leaned over, and untethered the boat from the dock. She looked out over the waterway, one hoof held over her eyes, then walked along the edge of the boat to the wheel in the back.

“Somepony needs to steer,” Maud said as she climbed into the water wheel. Maud began walking, the wheel began turning, and the swan boat began moving. “Left.”

Reaching out, Pinny grabbed the lever at the base of the swan’s neck. She pulled to the left and the boat began to head right, towards the dock. She realised her mistake, grasped how the rudder worked, and pushed it over to the right. The boat began to pull away from the dock, heading left.

The swan was picking up speed as Maud’s legs powered the wheel. Pinny kept the craft moving left, steering them out towards the middle of the lake and avoiding other boats. Something wasn’t quite right though. They were moving. Compared to the other boats, their swan sped over the water, a tall rooster tail kicking up behind the paddle wheel as Maud began to pick up her pace to what appeared to be a comfortable trot.

The boat was skimming over the waves, leaving behind it a choppy wake. Tarnish was certain that these boats were never meant to go this fast, and they were still picking up speed. He glanced at his mother and then at Maud. He knew that Maud was strong, but Tarnish did not know how strong. He felt a faint prickle of fear as Maud appeared to be working towards a canter.

They were shooting over the water now, skimming over the lake, moving at a speed that Tarnish thought impossible in one of these sorts of crafts. The wind was whipping his mane back and he was grinning without even realising that he was doing so, a rictus that was one part exhilaration and one part scarcely contained terror. He thought about asking Maud to work up to a gallop, but the sane and rational part of Tarnished Teapot’s mind prevented the words from being uttered.

Near the middle of the lake, Maud slowed and when the wheel came to a stop, she joined Pinny and Tarnish in the seating area. Maud hadn’t even broke a sweat, nor was she breathless. She looked at Tarnish, her ears perked forwards, and then sighed.

“This is peaceful,” Maud said as she looked around at the other boats on the lake.

“Yeah it is,” Pinny agreed as the boat rocked on the water. Pinny looked at Tarnish, almost as if she was waiting for something. Her ears perked forwards and she realised that Tarnish was lost in thought, staring off into the distance. He seemed to be enjoying himself and for that, Pinny felt glad. “There is a lunch in my saddlebags.” Pinny pointed to the two bags she had slipped off and left lying in the storage space.

“Tarnish has a good supply of cold tea in his saddlebags. We should be fine for the day. Twilight Sparkle gave us a large flask,” Maud said to Pinny. She reached out and prodded Tarnish, who was lost in thought.

“Huh? Did I miss something?” Tarnish looked around.

“Nothing Tarnish. I just wanted to see if you were with us. Go back to thinking if that is what you want to do. I think I might do a lap around the lake. I feel the need for exercise. Feels good to stretch my legs.” Maud rose from where she was sitting, stepped over the bench, and climbed into the wheel once more.

“This is a lovely day.” Pinny felt the boat lurch and begin moving. She kept a hoof on the lever that steered the ship, watching as the world went by around them as the boat once more picked up speed. As she sat in the boat, the wind blowing through her mane, she wondered what her son was thinking about.

Author's Note

I think Maud could make the swan boat go fast enough for water skiing. Opinions? :rainbowderp:

That's a paddling

Tarnished Teapot watched as other boats drifted by. There were the swan paddle boats that could be rented, but other ponies had rowboats, pontoon boats, and other watercraft. It was one of those sorts of days, one of those perfect days to be on the lake.

Something about the rocking of the boat was calming and put Tarnish into a contemplative mood. He was slumped over his seat, his chin resting upon the wooden swan wing that rose up from the side of the boat. The highest part of the wings formed a framework to hold the paddle wheel.

Without warning, without saying a word, Tarnish tossed himself overboard. He hit the water with a splash and could feel it soaking into him, waterlogging his pelt. It was delightful. The sun, now overhead, felt a little too hot for his liking. As he treaded water, he saw his mother looking down at him, her face just a little worried, but relaxing.

The boat was drifting and now so was Tarnished Teapot, bobbing in the water. He became aware of the fact that Maud was now watching him as well, her eyes wide open and not so sleepy looking. Was Maud worried?

“You look like you can swim well,” Maud said as she peered over the edge.

“I can swim well enough,” Tarnish replied.

“This is good.” Maud blinked and her eyes resumed their usual sleepy expression. “This puts my mind at ease.”

“We’ll be dealing with water when we go exploring?” Tarnish asked.

“You’ll see,” Maud replied.

“Oh fun.” Tarnish, still treading water, looked up at Maud and his mother. “You know, if you two jumped in, I think that we could catch the boat again if you wanted to swim.” Tarnished Teapot watched as another swan boat passed by a good distance away. It was powered by unicorn magic turning the wheel. Sitting in the boat were two familiar figures, a unicorn and an earth pony. Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon. Two ponies that Tarnish sort of knew, but was not familiar with.

He thought about earth ponies and unicorns. He thought about himself and Maud. Distracted, he hardly noticed the splash as a now naked Maud dove into the water, leaving her smock behind in the boat. A second later, his mother dove into the water.

“Thinking about something?” Maud asked, snapping Tarnish back to reality.

“Yeah. Bon Bon and Lyra.” Tarnish turned and looked at Maud. “They’re a unicorn and an earth pony. Like us.”

“And?” Maud asked.

“And what?” Tarnish replied. He shrugged in the water. “I don’t know where I am going with this, I just thought about them and it made me think about us.”

“I see,” Maud said as she bobbed beside Tarnish, floating, having to do nothing to keep her head up above water. Her curly mane was now plastered to her head and neck and her soaked ears drooped. Wet ponies looked so very different from dry ponies.

Tarnish watched as his mother’s head disappeared below the water, diving down. He had a vague recollection that his mother was a skilled swimmer. Overhead, a rainbow maned pegasus was performing aerobatic tricks and showing off. Tarnish grinned, enjoying the show.

After a few moments, Pinny Lane resurfaced, gasped, then wiped her mane out of her face with her forehooves, spluttering and spitting. She looked over and saw Maud floating on her back, then saw Tarnish looking up. Pinny Lane, wondering what was going on, looked up and saw Rainbow Dash overhead, showing off. A second later, there was a rainboom and Rainbow Dash went streaking off towards the horizon, a second purple streak trailing out just behind her.

Flopped out in the boat, Tarnish felt the sun drying his pelt. Maud had shaken herself to rid herself of as much water as she could and was now working the wheel trying to dry off a little more. Tarnish was worried about Maud getting sunburned. It was hard to hug a pony with sunburn. He had a passing thought and wondered if he could learn a spell that would dry a wet pony.

“I think I am going to have a bite to eat,” Pinny said. She looked at Tarnish and saw a glint of bright blue around his neck. She pulled open her saddlebags and pulled out a dark blue bottle of Luna~Cola. Pinny’s horn flashed for a moment and the bottle became frosted. “Want one?”

“Yes please,” Tarnish replied, taking the bottle of blueberry-grape soda from his mother with his telekinesis. He felt his mother’s magic intermingling with his own and then the cap popped off.

“You always had trouble removing the caps,” Pinny said, her words wistful.

The mare pulled out another bottle, made it cold, and then popped the cap. “Maud, when you decide to stop, there are cold drinks available. There’s water, because I know you don’t like sweets.”

“Thank you,” Maud called out.

Pinny Lane lifted up the bottle of sunny orange Celestia~Cola, a refreshing citrus and tamarind soda. She tilted it back and drank down a few swallows, enjoying the cold, refreshing, somewhat sour, somewhat bitter soda.

After taking a drink of his soda, Tarnish looked up at his mother. “What’s for lunch?”

“Sandwiches of different types and other snack type foods,” Pinny replied. The mare smiled. “I fixed egg salad.”

“You remembered,” Tarnished said, feeling tears coming to his eyes.

“I had trouble remembering.” Pinny’s eyes dropped and she stared down at her bottle of soda. “Tarnish, I am so sorry… this is really hard for me.”

“It’s okay.” Tarnish was glad that he was still wet from swimming as a tear slipped out. “You showed me how to boil eggs when I was little. Adding them to cold water, placing them on the stove, bringing them to a boil, turn off the burner, turn on a timer for thirteen minutes, leave the eggs, and then when the timer goes off, drop the eggs into a bowl of ice water.”

“Tarnish, I did that so you could feed yourself… to ease my guilty conscience… because I couldn’t bear to be around you…”

“Once the eggs were cooled off,” Tarnished continued, almost as if he hadn’t heard his mother. “Once the eggs were cooled, there was that little doohickey that looked like a harp that you could slice eggs up with. Eggs go into a bowl, add a little mayo, add a little mustard, add a little bit of relish. Spread on bread. Sandwich.”

“Tarnish… I… I…” Pinny shook her head.

“Mom, you know, it is still my favourite sort of sandwich and you showed me how to make it. Nothing can change that.” Tarnish sniffled and smiled at his mother. He took a sip of his soda, which had stained his lips blue.

“How old were you when I showed you? I can’t even remember Tarnish.” Pinny, her lips trembling, lifted up her bottle and held it close to her mouth, but did not drink.

“It was a year or two before I had my cutie mark. You said it was important to learn how to hard boil an egg and peel it because it would help my telekinesis—” Tarnish fell silent and shook his head. “The same telekinesis that was causing everything around me to go wrong. No wonder I had so many kitchen disasters.” Tarnish placed his bottle between his lips and took a long pull.

“It’s better now.” Pinny’s sad smile spread a little wider, revealing teeth. “You know, we could pick up where we left off. I’d like to show you how to cook… I could teach you things. Little helpful things that would help you look after your own family now. We unicorns… our magic makes certain tasks easier.”

“Mom, I’d like that,” Tarnish replied.

The boat came to a halt and the there was the heavy thump of solid hooves on wood as Maud climbed back into the sitting area, now almost all dry. She began slipping on her smock, her still somewhat damp curls bobbing around her head.

“I think I’m in the mood for a sandwich,” Maud said.

Overhead, pegasi were pushing clouds into place, preparing for an afternoon thunderstorm. Everything had been dry and hot for a little too long, and now, everything was a fire hazard. It was time for a drenching deluge.

Tarnished Teapot, sitting in the swan boat, watched all of this, feeling rather lazy and in the mood for a nap. He hadn’t done much sleeping the night before. He took a sip of his soda, an almost full bottle of Celestia~Cola. Some ponies tasted oranges, other ponies tasted lemons, Tarnish tasted pineapple.

“I don’t want this day to end,” Tarnish said as he watched the pegasi building a cloud bank that would soon deliver a torrential downpour.

“We should probably head back to the shore. We have a train to catch in just a few hours and I think it will rain sooner rather than later.” Pinny looked up at the clouds and then her gaze dropped down to look at Tarnish.

Saying nothing, Maud resumed her position in the paddle wheel and began walking, propelling the boat forward. Pinny took the rudder lever and began steering the boat back towards the dock.

“Maud, Tarnish, I’m coming with you tonight, if you don’t mind… if you don’t think it will be imposing. Maud, I’d like to meet your parents. And I just want to spend time with both of you. I’ll need to pack a few things,” Pinny said.

“I’m positive my parents won’t mind,” Maud replied as she powered the wheel.

“Well, while you two are off at the tent gathering up your possessions, I’ll be packing up a few things I’ll need… and maybe purchasing a camera… anyway, we have a few hours. Train leaves at six and it can’t be later than three or four right now.”

“You’ll need a train ticket.” Tarnish sat up and looked at his mother, feeling good about all of this. “Don’t forget about that.”

“Good catch, because I had actually forgotten about that. I was so focused on packing and the like that I planned to just show up with both of you at the station and go… I’m frazzled and still putting the pieces together.” Pinny closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to collect her thoughts. “You know, I need to see if I still have the photo album with Tarnished Teapot’s foal photos—”

“MOM!”

“What?” Pinny opened her eyes and looked at her son. “I’m showing Maud and there isn’t much you can do about it.”

“No… you can’t—”

“I can and I will. I regret that I never took more pictures.” Pinny heaved a heartbroken sigh and shook her head. “When you were born, your mane and tail were snow white. It only became cream coloured when you got older. The nurse said I could pass you off as one pretty little filly if I tied ribbons in your mane.”

“Mom…”

“I thought about it—”

“MOM!” Tarnish’s chocolate-brown pelt took on a purple hue all around his face and neck. “Mom, look, I know you wanted a filly… we talked about this… sort of…” Tarnish had eavesdropped on the conversation that his mother and Maud were having.

“Would you be upset if I tied a few ribbons in your mane now for old time's sake?”

“MOTHER, PLEASE!” Tarnish shook his head. “I swear, I will throw myself overboard!”

“Sorry, Tarnish, your mother has a sense of humour,” Pinny said, a smirking smile upon her muzzle.

“Pinny, my sister Marble already put his mane up in ribbons,” Maud called out from the water wheel. “He made for a very pretty chocolate filly with a creamy frosting mane.”

Pinny threw back her head and started laughing, her peals of laughter ringing out over the lake. Tarnish, his face burning, slumped down, heaved a sigh of exasperation, and rolled his eyes. Meanwhile, Maud kept the boat moving towards the docks.

Author's Note

Next chapter... a train ride... and the meeting of the moms.

To poke a Pie

Staring out of the window, Tarnished Teapot thought about the recent goodbyes. He had left Ponyville under better circumstances. Twilight Sparkle had bade him a fond farewell. Pinkie Pie had hugged him and then kissed his cheek. This time he had left with the distinct feeling that he was welcome to return.

The train headed east, rolling and rocking along. The car was almost empty save for a few business ponies with fine clothes. Tarnish wore nothing, Maud was wearing a smock, and his mother wore a pinstriped bowling shirt, and Tarnish suffered the odd sensation of feeling out of place being the one pony that wore nothing.

There was an open bottle of Cadance~Cola in the cupholder on the leg rest. It almost glowed pink and filled the immediate area with the scent of cotton candy and bubblegum. The top of the bottle was smeared with lipstick.

A telegram had been sent ahead to let the Pie family know that they were coming.

Alone with his thoughts, Tarnish began to process his feelings on recent events. He glanced at his mother, wondering how he should feel about her. Part of him was angry. A very small angry part of him wanted to blame her for everything that had happened. It wanted to lash out at her. Make her hurt. Make her cry. Make her suffer in the same way that Tarnish had suffered.

And Tarnish was ashamed of the small part of him that felt that way. The rest of him was happy just to have his mother back. He glanced down, looking at the sapphire embedded in the amulet around his neck. Twilight had told him that it was enchanted. It would not slip from his neck unless he intentionally removed it. The sapphire glowed with a soft blue light. A soothing blue light. Light blue was now the colour of life that was trouble free.

Looking up at his mother, Tarnish saw that his mother’s mane was also blue. Looking at his mother, Tarnish began to wonder about himself. His mother was long legged and long bodied. She was tall by any standard. Tarnish, who was not done growing, wondered if he would be tall like his mother, with long gangly legs… or short and stocky of build like his father. For now, Tarnish was just plain gawky, like most colts his age tended to be.

His eyes drifted to Maud and he began to study her form. She was solid, stocky, an earth pony among earth ponies. Quite without meaning to do so, Tarnish began to wonder what their foals might be like. Would they be unicorns or earth ponies? Thin and delicate? Solid and stocky? He knew that Maud liked the colour brown. A lot of rocks were brown. He wondered if future foals might get a chocolate-brown pelt. Or Maud’s understated but beautiful grey.

“You’re staring,” Maud said as she looked up from her book.

“I was just thinking about making foals with you,” Tarnish replied, being honest with his thoughts but giving no heed to what it was that was coming out of his mouth.

Maud’s eyes widened somewhat and she made a deep inhale. “The things you say.”

Tarnish, his cheeks now on fire, watched as Maud returned to her reading, and his mother’s snickering filled his ears as he realised what had just come out of his mouth. He blinked, took a deep breath, and tried to figure out how to recover this situation.

“I… I was just wondering if they would be tall and long legged like my mother and I am hoping that I turn out tall and long legged… or if they would be beautiful grey like you… or if they would have brown pelts or grey… and I wasn’t being dirty,” Tarnish stammered.

Maud looked up from her book once more and repeated her earlier statement. “The things you say.”

His mother was chortling now, and her muffled laughter made Tarnish want to crawl beneath his seat and hide. “Even without my magic cursing me, I still manage to screw everything up.”

“Rock Haven!” the conductor cried in a loud, clear voice. “Rock Haven!”

Weary, Tarnish lifted his head. He had been resting it against the window. He watched as his mother snorted into wakefulness. Maud was still reading and she had sat almost unmoving for most of the trip.

“Rock Haaaaaven!” the conductor sang out, his voice waking several sleeping ponies.

“It’s a bit of a walk from here to the rock farm,” Tarnish said to his mother as she yawned. “I hope they got the telegram.”

“I can’t wait to be home,” Maud said in a sleepy voice that might have actually been sleepy. Maud blinked, her eyelids moving in their usual slow, sedate way, and then the earth pony mare drew in a deep breath. “I wonder what my parents will say.”

Ahead, at the end of the road, there were lighted windows. Tarnished Teapot, even though he was limping, quickened his pace a little, anxious to be home. This was home. He felt his heart racing. He suspected that they had received the telegram; the lights were on and they were up late. The telegram only said that they would be coming home and that there would be a guest, but no mention of the marriage had been made.

Above them, a million stars twinkled in the sky and a quarter moon hung just over the distant hills. The road was dusty and dry; each step produced a little puff of dust. The only sound was the faint rustle of saddlebags, the soft sound of three ponies breathing, and muffled thuds of hooves treading over soft dust.

Pinny Lane, a pony of considerable grace, trotted in a weightless manner, almost as if she was gliding over the ground, keeping pace beside Maud. She had started the journey with her horn lit for light, but had dimmed her horn more and more until her eyes had become accustomed to starlight.

“You know Tarnish, this will be a good chance for us to test out how well the tea works,” Maud said as she trotted towards home. “Trixie’s magic had severe problems here at the rock farm. We can test Pinny’s magic under the effects of the tea and without.”

“I’ll admit, I am curious,” Tarnish replied.

“So am I.” Pinny looked over at Maud Pie and then at her son, Tarnished Teapot.

Maud Pie, looking homeward, turned to Tarnish and said, “I think I just saw the front door open.”

“This is Pinny Lane. Tarnished Teapot’s mother,” Maud said to her parents and her sisters. “There is quite a story here. Tomorrow will be a good time to tell it.” Maud paused and then looked at Pinny. “This is Igneous, Cloudy, Marble, and Limestone.”

“Greetings,” Igneous said, nodding his head.

“Hello,” Cloudy said, studying the unicorn mare with her eyes.

Marble yawned and Limestone was almost asleep with her head resting upon Marble’s back. Marble managed to make a sleepy smile and then waved with her hoof.

Maud took a deep breath, looked at her mother, and then made an announcement. “Tarnish and I got married.”

Limestone’s eyes opened and she yanked her head away from her sister’s back with a snort. She looked around, first at Maud, then at her mother, then at Tarnish, her gaze shifted over to Pinny Lane for a moment, and then at last, she looked at her father, her eyes wide.

Marble blinked but said nothing. After a long moment, she smiled.

“Oh thank goodness… I was so worried… after all, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free,” Cloudy said in a huff as she closed her eyes. “I am so relieved.”

An awkward silence descended. Marble, sensing trouble, took off lickety-split, scooting inside of the house, deciding that it was way past her bedtime. Limestone took one look at her mother, then at Maud, and then was gone, following her sister.

“Just what is that supposed to mean?” Maud asked.

Cloudy’s eyes opened and she looked at Maud. She saw Pinny backing away. It was in that moment that Cloudy realised the mistake she had made. “Nothing… look, I misspoke. I should not have said that. Maud, I was worried, I’ve been worried. I’ve had a mother’s worry.”

Igneous watched as his wife tried to recover, and he stood beside her, silent, and waiting. She had voiced his own feelings as well, but had done so in the worst way possible. Glancing over, he could see the worried look of panic on Tarnish’s face and Igneous felt bad for the colt.

“Maud, I come from a different time with different values. I really am sorry… I didn’t mean it the way it sounded… I was so happy for you that it didn’t even bother me when you told me about it… I just wanted you to be happy… I didn’t care that you weren’t married… but I worried because I’m your mother… I’ve made a mess—”

“Mom, it’s okay. I think I understand. We’ll talk later. I’m not upset,” Maud said.

Igneous decided it was time to intervene. “It is very, very late and all of us are tired. Before anything else gets said, we should all get a good night’s rest. Pinny Lane, you can stay in Pinkie’s room. We’ve already made up the bed.”

“Thank you,” Pinny replied as she stood there, feeling nervous and worried.

Alone in his room, Tarnish set his saddlebags down. Everything was right where he had left it. The bed had fresh blankets and sheets. He heaved a weary sigh and then heard the soft creak of hinges as the door opened.

Turning, he saw Cloudy standing in the door. He smiled at her, still feeling nervous from earlier.

“What are you doing?” Cloudy asked.

“Going to bed,” Tarnish replied.

“No, I mean, what are you doing in here?” Cloudy’s eyes narrowed.

“Did I do something wrong?” Tarnish asked, taking the direct approach.

“Yes!” Cloudy’s head nodded and the matron mare scowled. “You left my daughter all alone in her bed! That is not how a marriage works!” Cloudy stepped out of the doorway and made a gesture with her hoof. “Don’t you ever leave Maud to sleep alone in a bed if you can help it! Now you get in there and you get in that bed and you do what is right! You have a duty to rest your head next to hers for the rest of both your days!”

Ears drooping, tail between his legs, Tarnish scooted out of his room, crossed the hall, opened Maud’s door, and ducked inside, with Cloudy hot on his heels. He cringed, feeling guilty, not realising that he had done something wrong. He felt a strong hoof press against his backside and give him a forceful push towards Maud’s bed.

Maud, laying in bed, blinked and looked at her mother, then at Tarnish.

“Good night. Both of you. Now get in that bed!” Cloudy said in a commanding voice as she turned off the lights and then pulled the door shut.

“I think I goofed,” Tarnish whispered in the dark.

“Marriage is serious business for her, I think.” Maud lifted up the covers for Tarnish.

Standing at Maud’s bedside, Tarnish wondered how this was going to work. Maud had a single bed and she took up most of it. He climbed into the bed, wiggled closer to Maud, and then almost slipped and fell out of the bed because most of him was hanging over the edge.

He felt Maud wrap a foreleg around him and pull him close. Nose to nose, legs tangled together, he felt Maud wiggle back towards the other side. There just wasn’t enough room for two ponies in this bed, not unless they got a whole lot closer.

“You’re wearing a nightgown,” Tarnish whispered as his belly brushed up against soft fabric. “Is it the light blue one with little sheep? I like that one.” Tarnish felt himself pulled even closer to Maud, close enough to be arousing from the contact.

“Tarnish, tell me, what did I do to cause that?” Maud asked.

“Well Maud, you see, colts are natural optimists. They have a need, they show that need, and they believe the universe will somehow provide for that need,” Tarnish replied as he tried to get comfortable, but with each movement of his body he made his problem worse. “I keep poking you in the stomach, I’m sorry.”

“I could try rolling over—”

“No, don’t do that… something about being up against your back that is a real turn on,” Tarnish said in a low whisper.

“How am I supposed to sleep with that stabbing me in the stomach?” Maud asked.

“I dunno, Maud, I’m real sorry,” Tarnish replied.

The dark of the night was filled with faint, almost imperceptible laughter. Tarnish’s ears perked and so did Maud’s. It was difficult to hide any sort of sound in the still of the night. The muffled laughter was soon joined by more laughter.

“Your mother… did she… did she just prank us?” Tarnish asked in a low whisper. “She seemed angry… but that… but that sounds like… it sounds like her laughing.”

“Marble gets it from somewhere,” Maud replied in a soft monotone.

“She totally pranked us… she made me get into bed with you knowing how difficult this was going to be.” Tarnish tried to hold still as he clung to Maud and he tried not to think about how he was stabbing her in the stomach right now.

In the distant dark, the laughter continued.

Author's Note

Must have been awkward growing up in that house.

Escape!

Escape!

There was snickering as Tarnished Teapot entered the kitchen. He felt his cheeks begin to burn as the scent of strong coffee filled his nose. His mother, Pinny Lane, was already sitting at the breakfast table, a steaming cup of coffee in front of her.

“Granny Pie and Nana Pinkie both did the same thing to Igneous and I when we were first married. Now I see what was so funny,” Cloudy said as she gave Tarnish a wry smile. Leaning over her coffee cup, she began to chuckle.

Tarnish saw a cup of tea had been left out for him. He wasn’t certain that he needed to drink it here at home where his magic was stabilised, but he was fond of the flavour. He went to the table and sat down, his eyes darting in Cloudy’s direction as he sat.

“I missed you while you were gone, Tarnish,” Cloudy said in a low voice. She looked over at Pinny Lane for a moment and then turned back to Tarnish. “Thankfully, your mother has agreed to share you.”

“Did you sleep well?” Pinny asked, hardly able to contain her snickering as she spoke.

There was no way that Tarnished Teapot was even going to dignify that with a response. He had clung to Maud for the past few hours while trying not to slide out of the narrow single bed. There had been very little sleep—Maud however, had slept like a stone. Maud was still sleeping.

“Igneous plans to go after a new bed today. We are worried if it will fit in Maud’s room. She has that darkroom set up, reduces the available space quite a bit,” Cloudy said as she gestured at a crockery full of oatmeal. “I’m very worried that my little Maudlin is still upset about what was said last night… I feel bad. I also feel that by saying it, I slighted your character. For that, I am sorry, Tarnish.”

“I’m not upset,” Tarnish replied in a raspy voice, saying something for the first time.

“I was very, very afraid though. Colts will say and do all kinds of things to win the heart of some filly… or in Maud’s case, some mare.” Cloudy Quartz’s face became solemn and she peered over the edges of her glasses at Tarnish. “Igneous kept telling me not to worry. He said that you had made a few mistakes, but that you were a good colt. He insisted that you would do the right thing.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Tarnish slumped down in his chair, not certain if he was in the mood to eat.

“I wanted to believe Igneous, but Tarnish, I hope you understand… Maud was my firstborn. She was and still is my whole world.” Cloudy’s eyes were wide and each blink was slow.

Still not knowing what to say, Tarnish nodded and hoped that it would be enough to satisfy Cloudy Quartz. He lifted up his teacup with his telekinesis and then, following a nagging sensation in his brain, he looked down at his amulet. Pale blue with a faint throbbing light. Head down, Tarnish stared at his amulet, pondering the complexity of his existence.

“And now little Marble is stumbling into love… this is all too much too soon.” Cloudy heaved a sigh and shook her head.

“Marble?” Tarnish asked, looking up from his amulet.

“She finally worked up enough nerve to talk to the Gaunt’s colt, Sonneur.” Cloudy blinked and shook her head. “Now she is all giddy and can’t pay attention to anything.”

Limping along the dirt trail, Tarnish made his way through the Haunted Wood, heading for the field of poison joke. He had departed from the house while Maud was in the shower. He needed time alone, time to think, time to clear his head.

Yawning, Tarnish continued along the dirt path, feeling sleepy in the hours just past dawn. He had slipped out of the house without telling anypony and then had slipped away from the farm. He had his saddlebags, a few snacks, a bottle of Princess Pop, one of his books, and a mind full of questions.

Try as he might, he just didn’t know how he felt having his mother back in his life. Just like that, everything was fixed and the past was supposed be forgotten. All of those years of hurt. All the pain, all the suffering, the feelings of rejection, the feeling of abandonment.

It was all too much to bear and Tarnished Teapot needed to sort out his thoughts.

The grove of poison joke was a peaceful, secluded place. The augites still vibrated. The flowers that Tarnish had picked just a few days ago had already grown back and the ground of the grove was covered in a lush carpet of blue flowers.

A little lizard startled Tarnish, he thought that not much could live here in this place, what few things lived in the Haunted Woods were mutated beyond belief. He watched the scurrying lizard, catching a good look at it as it passed close. He realised that it was made of stone. It didn’t just have skin that looked like stone, but it was stone. He could hear the sound of stone scraping stone as it slunk over a vibrating augite.

He thought about catching it for study, but then came to the conclusion that he didn’t have the heart. Just like he didn’t have the cruelty within him to be angry with his mother now that things had been fixed. Sitting down, Tarnish sighed and then looked at his amulet.

Having a sudden idea, Tarnish pulled his amulet from his neck. It was a pale glowing blue at the moment, meaning stable magic. Overcome with curiousity, Tarnish placed his amulet upon one of the vibrating augites.

It remained blue.

Frowning, brows furrowing, Tarnish began backing away from his amulet, leaving it upon the augite. Several steps away, he saw the sapphire begin to change colour, becoming darker. Tarnish stepped forwards, and the sapphire went back to being blue.

“Huh,” Tarnish gasped to himself.

Turning, he limped away from the amulet, walking to the very outer edges of the grove. Turning around, he saw that the amulet was now black, glowing with a strange, otherworldly blackish-purple light. Frightened, Tarnished Teapot felt his balls shrivel from fear.

“This grove is the magical equivalent of the toxic waste dumps just outside of Baltimare,” Tarnish said to himself as he started forwards to retrieve his amulet. He realised that he had just performed a scientific experiment, something with awe-inspiring results.

The trees here were a little twisted, but by all sense of reason they should be dead, or at least warped beyond all recognition. The Haunted Wood’s trees were warped and these trees right here at the nexus should be the most twisted. He tried to recall what Maud had said about this place, and had a hazy recollection that it was a class three thaumaturgical hazard. It made ponies sick.

Distracted from his own thoughts, forgetting everything that had been troubling his mind, he looked down at the poison joke. Was the poison joke really containing the worst of the magic? This whole place might be dead otherwise. He picked up his amulet with his telekinesis and slipped it over his head and down his neck. It was glowing a soft, comforting shade of blue again.

Tangible results. Simple science. Tarnish began to form conclusions in his mind from what he had observed and what he knew. His magic formed an island, with the strongest effect in the middle and getting weaker farther out, until stabilization was lost completely. At least, that was the conclusion that Tarnish reached. Tarnish had one final thought. Might the Haunted Wood restore itself if poison joke was planted in other places?

He didn’t think about this for very long, another thought entering into his mind. Could a unicorn with a powerful connection to the earth and a knack for plants still be a unicorn? What was a unicorn anyway? A pony with mystical, magical powers. Tarnish supposed he had those, but they were weak. He had natural powers. He began to question his own nature.

Sitting down on the ground, he pulled his book out of his saddlebags and began to read.

“My husband, the naturalist,” Maud said as she looked at Tarnish sitting in the middle of the poison joke grove. A small lizard was sitting on Tarnish’s head, basking in the sun. The lizard, a strange looking thing, appeared as though it was made of rock.

“Hi Maud.”

Maud began to move forwards, walking through the soft blue flowers. A part of her longed to lounge upon the augites. “You left the house in a hurry. Everypony was worried about you.” Maud sat down next to Tarnish and looked at the stony looking lizard sitting on Tarnish’s head. “You made a friend.”

“He’s made of stone. I checked. I didn’t believe it, but he is in fact, made of rock. And he eats poison joke flowers. I don’t know if he is sunning himself or if he is perhaps enjoying my magic,” Tarnish said as he lifted his eyes from his book. “I had to get out of the house. I needed time to clear my head and sort things out.”

Reaching into her saddlebags, Maud pulled out her camera. Holding it between her two front hooves, she lifted it up, peered through the sight, and snapped a picture of the lizard sitting on Tarnish’s head. After a few seconds, she snapped another, and then then another. The lizard’s tail was wrapped around Tarnish’s ear.

It had skin that looked like a collection of fine pebbles of all colours. White, brown, grey, black, and two eyes that looked like emeralds. Tiny claws were clinging to Tarnish’s mane. Maud snapped another photo.

“Your friend is really fascinating,” Maud said as she lowered her camera. She leaned closer, her eyes narrowing, her ears jutting forwards. Her snoot was now an inch away from the little lizard, which turned its head to look at her. “He’s made of rock. I can see him breathing. It reminds me of a cragodile, but this one is smaller and a whole lot nicer than the cragodile I met.”

“Hey Maud, I’m glad you brought the camera. I discovered something… maybe you can snap photos of it. I bet that Twilight Sparkle will be interested. You should see what happens to my amulet when I take it off and leave it sitting on one of those augites in the middle of the grove and then move away from it,” Tarnish said to Maud.

Author's Note

Tarnish made a friend.

Whatever develops

Tarnished Teapot followed Maud though the backdoor of the Pie family farmhouse and walked into the kitchen, where he saw his mother peeling potatoes.

“Welcome home,” Cloudy said as she kneaded dough on a flour covered counter.

“Did the two of you have a nice time alone together?” Pinny asked, a faint smile upon her lips as she looked at Tarnish and Maud.

“Yes,” Maud replied. “Yes we did. I took a lot of photos. When I develop them, I’ll show you everything so you can see just how happy your son is when he spends time with me. I took a lot of pictures of Tarnish’s cute little lizard.”

Pinny’s eyes went wide as Maud sauntered off, the earth pony departing down the hall to go to her room. Cloudy turned to look at her daughter as Maud was leaving, a shocked expression upon her face.

The shoe was now on the other hoof and Tarnish began to chortle as the two mares in the kitchen turned to look at him. He suffered a spectacular failure when trying to keep from grinning. “We like taking pictures of our time alone together. Gotta preserve those memories—”

“Get out of my kitchen you rotten little scoundrel!” Cloudy cried as she tossed a wad of dough at Tarnish. The dough missile trailed flour dust behind it as it arced through the air.

Tarnished Teapot went cross eyed when the dough hit him on the nose, bounced, and then he caught it with his telekinesis. He floated it back to the counter. Maud had a sense of humour that he saw more of each day, and the more he saw of it, the more he liked it. She had a dry sense of snark. Grinning, he went down the hall, following after Maud.

“Maud, do you think it is possible to be a different pony on the inside than you appear to be on the outside?” Tarnish asked as Maud unpacked her saddlebags.

“I have no idea what you mean,” Maud replied as she pulled out her camera and set it down upon a short, sturdy table covered with rocks.

“Could a unicorn associate more with earth ponies?” Tarnish turned around and looked at Maud. He saw Maud lift her head to look at him.

“I don’t know. You are a unicorn. You have magic. I think that you are just feeling a kinship with the first group of ponies that didn’t immediately reject you, shun you, or send you away.” Maud paused, blinked, and then turned to look at the rocks piled upon the table. “Ultimately, you decide what you are. Some things cannot be changed, you will always be unicorn, but culture and position within a tribe can be fluid I suppose. I never gave it much thought.”

Tarnish stared at Maud, unsure of how to respond.

“Your mother rejected you through no fault of her own. She is a unicorn. I cannot help but wonder if you associate her rejection of you with her tribe. You weren’t just rejected by your mother, you were rejected by a unicorn. This is bound to leave behind an association.” Maud blinked, her eyelids moving in a slow and sleepy fashion. “There is also the nature of your magic, which plagued you, causing you no end of guilt, anguish, and heartache. A unicorn is the representation of magic—by rejecting that, you distance yourself from everything that hurt you and left you feeling empty.”

Sitting down on the floor, Tarnish wondered and waited, curious as to what else Maud might say. Her words made sense and there was something comforting about them. He was curious about what other insights she might have.

“Ultimately, you are whatever you wish to be I suppose. You cannot change that you have a horn, you cannot change that you are a unicorn, no more than I could start flying if I suddenly decide that I want to be a pegasus, but you can live among earth ponies, be comfortable, and learn our ways, if that makes you happy,” Maud said to Tarnish.

His mind filled with thoughts that he could hardly comprehend, Tarnished Teapot watched as Maud turned around and continued pulling things out of her saddlebags. A pencil. A pen. Notebooks. A big book about rocks. The smaller notebook that Maud used to write poems about rocks. (And sometimes about ponies who ate bugs.)

Feeling that it was all too much to think about all at once, Tarnish cleared his mind by asking something silly. “Maud, why do you wear nightgowns? I mean, I know you have a thin pelt and you sunburn easily, but the nightgowns… why?”

Maud’s eyes opened wide for a moment and she turned around to look at Tarnish. She inhaled, her sides expanding, and Maud did not reply right away as she stood there staring at Tarnish.

“Well?” Tarnish’s eyebrow raised. He realised that he had caught Maud by surprise.

“Pinkie Pie keeps buying them for me and when I put them on I feel happy,” Maud replied. Her eyelids drooped and her usual sleepy expression returned. “I miss my sister.”

Getting up on all fours, Tarnish stretched for a moment, crossed the room, and kissed Maud on the cheek. He stood there, muzzle to muzzle with her, glad to have her so close. “I’m going to take a nap. Have fun developing those photos.”

Coffins

Potato salad. Tarnished Teapot peered into the bowl sitting on the table. He liked potato salad. Now he understood why his mother had been peeling potatoes earlier. The potato salad had a lovely yellow colour, which meant it had mustard. There were big cubes of pickles in there. Black olives. Pimentos. He looked up from the bowl to see Cloudy staring at him.

“Don’t you dare,” Cloudy said in a low voice. “Stay out of there. We’ll be eating soon.”

“Where is my mother?” Tarnish asked.

“Off with Maud, Marble, and Limestone,” Cloudy replied. Her eyebrows furrowed as she gave Tarnish a wary glare. “Did you have a nice nap?”

Something about his mother spending time with the Pie sisters worried Tarnish a great deal. Fear prickled along the back of his neck. “I had a nice nap.”

“A fun bit of trivia. Pie shells used to be called coffins a long time ago. Well, pies that were sealed off and had top crusts. Open pies were called traps. A long, long time ago, this family was called the Coffin family,” Cloudy said to Tarnish as she watched him back away from the potato salad.

Looking at Cloudy, Tarnish tilted his head, wondering what was the point to what she had said, curious if he had done something that deserved him being stuffed into a coffin. “What brought this up?”

“Family history.” Cloudy’s stern face melted into a soft smile. “You’re one of us now. You should know these things.” Cloudy cleared her throat. “The oldest spelling of our name was Coffyns, spelled C-O-F-F-Y-N-S. In time, it modernised into Coffins, with an I. Some of our family took the name Pye… P-Y-E… others took on the name that we have now, Pie. Our family goes back before the founding of Equestria, we’re as old as the Apples.”

Cloudy began to step around the table, walking towards Tarnish, peering through her glasses at the colt. “There have been very few unicorns in the Pie family. I want you to know, we are proud to have you.”

“Thank you,” Tarnish replied, feeling flustered and not knowing what to say.

“Your mother is very, very happy that you have joined a family with a sense of history. It was something that she wasn’t able to give you… but we most certainly can. Now we can have little teapots to go along with our pies… and this makes me happy,” Cloudy said as she looked Tarnish in the eye.

Tarnish, not the smartest colt in the world, but far from stupid, could not help but feel that Cloudy was after something. There was something she wanted. Tarnish’s eyes narrowed and he thought about Cloudy’s words… Now we can have little teapots to go along with our pies. Little teapots indeed. Tarnish’s eyes went wide and his eyebrows lifted.

“No need to hurry,” Cloudy said to Tarnish as she watched him processing everything being said. She knew what he was thinking. “Take your time and just spend some time being happy with Maud. Just try not to keep me waiting for too long, okay?”

The sky was overcast, dark, and full of gathering clouds. There were no pegasi in sight. Staring upwards, Tarnished Teapot watched the natural storm as it brewed, gaining strength. No doubt, the unstable magic of the nearby nexus contributed to this storm’s development.

Tall black thunderheads swirled, supercells, there was a name for them but Tarnish could not remember what it was. He had learned it in school, but had long since forgotten it, and he had dropped out of secondary school. Something he now regretted.

Without warning, lightning ripped open the sky, there was a piercing flash of eerie blue light, and then, a second later, there was an almost deafening clap of thunder that made Tarnish’s ears ring in a painful manner.

The storm was growing in intensity. In the distance, there was a glow, a fierce purple-blue light. Curious, Tarnish left the back porch and began heading off into the field towards the glow, heading to where he knew there was a minor nexus on the Pie farm.

The stack of rocks over the ley line intersection was glowing. Tarnish approached, overcome with curiousity. He could see dust devils racing around the field, little gyres of wind that swirled with dust and debris. Tarnish could feel every hair on his body standing out, filled with electrical current. It tickled.

Looking down at his amulet, Tarnish noticed that it was flashing, going from blue to faint purple. Something was happening, something that he could not calm, and he felt thrilled to be observing it.

Going cross eyed, Tarnish looked up to see that his own horn was glowing with a piercing blue light that was growing brighter by the second. He felt a peculiar feeling as his own magic flowed through him, acting on reflex. He had no control, his magic had a mind of its own. The pile of rocks vibrated and Tarnish could feel the vibration in his horn, in his bones, his whole body buzzed.

Something in his ears popped and Tarnish felt the pressure inside of his head easing off. Looking down, he could see that his amulet was blue now, he didn’t know what was going on, but it seemed that his magic was compensating.

Tarnished Teapot suspected that he was behaving in very much the same way as poison joke, absorbing and filtering harmful or otherwise dangerous magic. He felt most peculiar. Blue sparks flew from his horn now, arcing and crackling.

Beneath his hooves, the ground appeared to be freezing. Something shiny and reflective grew around him. Staring down, Tarnish saw that it wasn’t ice at all; it was a growing sheet of glass or crystal, thin, and full of cracks.

There was a flash of light, it was blinding, and a rush of immense heat. With it was a thunderclap that Tarnish heard between his ears. Now blind and deaf, seeing only blue in his vision while hearing a muted roaring in his ears, Tarnish could not see that lightning had just struck the pile of stones a few feet away from him.

Stumbling around, stunned, his ears now aching, Tarnish had no idea what was going on. Dazed, the feeling of his own magic was almost orgasmic now. Blind, deaf, Tarnish had no idea what was going on, or what the immediate area around him was doing.

Tarnish felt two legs wrap around his body, squeeze his barrel, and then he was lifted, carried off. He couldn’t see, but he knew who had him. He squirmed, not wanting to leave, wanting to be inside the swirling magic vortex, feeling a strange need, a compulsion.

Tarnish was tossed down into a chair like a sack of potatoes, landing with a heavy thump. He blinked, still unable to see. He couldn’t hear anything but a buzzing sound. Even with his somewhat distressing condition, he felt very much alive.

“Foolish colt, what was going through your mind?” Cloudy demanded.

“Mom, I don’t think he can hear you,” Maud said as she waved her hoof in front of Tarnish’s eyes. “I also don’t think Tarnish was in control of himself. When the lightning struck the rock pile, he didn’t even flinch or jump.”

“WHAT HAPPENED?” Tarnish asked in what he thought was a whisper.

“His ears are bleeding, somepony fetch me a clean cloth soaked in hot water,” Cloudy said. She watched as Pinny bounded off to the sink, pulled open the drawer beside the sink, pulled out a clean towel, and then began to soak it under the faucet.

“He was glowing blue,” Maud said to her mother. “I wonder what was happening.”

“I FEEL GREAT!” Tarnish said, whispering again.

Cloudy rolled her eyes. “I hope Igneous will be okay. He’s still out getting the bed.”

Pinny began scrubbing the blood away from Tarnish’s ears, her face pinched with worry. “What was he thinking? I mean, he was just standing there… not doing anything to take cover. What was going through his mind?”

“THE GROUND ALL AROUND ME WAS TURNING TO GLASS!” Tarnish said in what he thought was a low voice. “EVERYTHING FELT AMAZING!”

“I suspect that Igneous might be delayed getting home.” Cloudy, standing near Tarnish, looked at the table loaded down with food, looked at Tarnish, and then looked at everypony else in her kitchen. “Tarnish seems to be mostly okay. I wonder if we should sit down and eat.”

“I wonder if Tarnish is drawn to bad magic like a bug to a bug zapper,” Limestone said as she waved her hoof in front of Tarnish’s wide, staring, sightless eyes. “I think he’s okay… I don’t think it was the magic that did this to him. Call it a hunch. But that bolt of lightning got his eyes and his ears.”

“EVERYTHING IS BLUE!” Tarnish said, still whispering.

“Let’s have our meal. Maud, you might have to help feed Tarnish,” Cloudy said.

Author's Note

Why yes, this was an odd chapter.

The Pie sisters are guano have a sound future

Potato salad. It was smooth and creamy. Chilled. Delicious. Tarnished Teapot chewed and tried to see. He could see dark blue shapes against the light blue haze that filled his vision. He could not see that rainbow coloured hail was falling outside, but he could sort of make out the shape of Maud sitting beside him.

Magic, dangerous, unpredictable, and fickle, seeped up from the ley line intersections, was drawn up into the clouds, formed natural storms, spread out over a wide area, and then the diluted magic was distributed everywhere the storm reached, giving life sustaining magic to the land, the magical creatures, and nourishing the many magical plants. Tarnish had stood in the middle of such magic as it was drawn up from the earth, and had emerged unscathed.

“Tarnish, can you hear anything?” Maud asked.

“I’M NOT DEAF,” Tarnish replied in what he thought was a low voice.

“Well, he’s getting his hearing back,” Cloudy said as she looked over at Tarnish, concern evident upon her face. She turned to look at Pinny, both mares exchanged a worried look, and then Cloudy resumed eating her food.

This was supposed to have been a cheerful meal together to celebrate the wedding. Maud was Maud, Cloudy and Pinny were both worried, as was evidenced by their constant exchange of concerned looks at one another. The only ponies that seemed to be enjoying themselves were Limestone, Marble, and Tarnish.

“Mother?”

“Yes Limestone, what is it?” Cloudy replied.

Limestone leaned over her half-emptied plate. “I have a lot of money saved up and I think I know what I am going to do with it. Daddy remains a problem though, and I am going to need his permission.”

“And what do you plan to do?” Cloudy cut off a bite of vegetable pot pie with the side of her fork and studied her daughter’s face.

“I want to buy a cave full of bat guano,” Limestone replied as she set down her fork.

Cloudy’s eyes narrowed. “You are a smart filly, so you must have your reasons for buying a cave full of bat guano. I suppose that it is valuable somehow?”

Limestone nodded with great enthusiasm. “Bat guano is where we get things like sodium nitrates, nitrogen, and it is rich in phosphates. It is used to make fertiliser, various chemicals, and preservatives for food.”

“They make preservatives for food out of bat guano?” Cloudy peered at her filly through her glasses, one eyebrow raised in disbelief.

“Yep. It’s delicious. Provides a smoky, salty goodness. It is how they flavour hayburgers and haybacon.” Limestone grinned and then looked at Marble. “My sister is thinking about investing as well. There is already a mining operation in place, but it lacks resources to be profitable and the owner took out a bunch of loans to pay everything off. He gambled a lot and wasted his money. The bank took over the mine and now it is for sale so the bank can recoup their losses.”

“I see.” Cloudy took a bite of potato salad and began chewing, looking thoughtful.

“Mother, this is a sound investment,” Marble said, joining the conversation. “Limestone and I could make a considerable amount of money from this. Buying the mine would eat up most of our funds, but we should have enough leftover to expand operations… that is if I invest in this mine and go into business with my sister.”

“I HAVE MONEY THAT I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH!” Tarnish said.

“Limestone, you really are serious about this, aren’t you?” Cloudy looked at her daughter, wondering when Limestone had grown up. “What do you plan to do with the money you make?”

“Well, to start, invest it back into the mine so we can get more out of it. A steam powered pump to suck guano out would be a good investment… I think.” Limestone began to tap the edge of her hoof upon the table. “After that, I’m thinking that I should pay for some business classes for myself, so I’ll know what I’m doing. Eventually, the bat guano will run dry… so I’m thinking that the money I make from the guano mine should be invested in buying other mines, because mines will be something I am familiar with and know how to run. I don’t want to be a miner, but I want to own the mine.”

“Limestone Pie, I will help you convince Igneous that this is a good idea,” Cloudy said to her daughter. Hearing the sound of smacking lips, Cloudy turned her head just in time to see Maud giving Tarnish a kiss.

“You learn something new every day. I had no idea that bat guano was valuable.” Pinny turned her head, perked her ears, and she watched as Maud and Tarnish loved on one another, feeling a blossoming warmth in her heart as she did so.

Feeling both happy and sad, as well as sentimental, Cloudy sighed. She watched her daughter and her son in law as they shared a moment of affection. She sighed again in contentment, feeling a proud sense of accomplishment. “Both of you are going to leave me, aren’t you?”

Maud, hearing her mother’s voice, pulled away from Tarnish, inhaled, turned towards her mother, and then nodded. “Yes.”

“How soon?” Cloudy asked.

Shrugging, Maud just stared at her mother through sleepy looking half-closed eyes. “A few days maybe. There is a lot to do before summer is out.”

“I hope the two of you have a nice honeymoon,” Cloudy said.

“I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE HONEYMOON PART!”

“I’m in love with a silly pony,” Maud said as she tried to drag a brush through Tarnish’s static-filled mane. The earth pony heaved a sigh and then leaned her head a little closer to Tarnish, who was sitting on the floor in front of her chair. “I must confess, seeing you so bravely face the storm… I have some very mixed feelings about what you did.”

“I don’t even remember everything that happened.” Tarnished leaned back and felt the soft cushion of the chair against his spine. The soft tug of the brush against his scalp was just as mesmerising as the storm had been earlier. He closed his eyes and just sat there, enjoying the moment.

A short distance away, sitting in two high backed old fashioned parlour chairs, Cloudy Quartz and Pinny Lane sat together, having a cup of tea, talking to one another as if they had known each other their whole lives. Pinny was having to hold her teacup between her front hooves, her magic having failed completely since the erratic storm that had developed.

Pinny Lane’s tea had the helpful essence of poison joke; it was assumed that her magic would be returning at any time now. Maud, enjoying a moment of closeness with Tarnish, kept an eye on Pinny, watching and waiting. With Pinny having no magic at all, this was an ideal test, so the storm had been a lucky break.

“You know, this is all I ever wanted in life,” Tarnish said in a low voice.

His words caused the whole room to go silent. Cloudy, who had been saying something to Pinny in a subdued voice went quiet. Pinny Lane’s eyes became reflective with tears. Maud continued brushing but said nothing. For several long moments, the only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock on the mantle and the sound of wind against the timbers of the house.

“I never had big dreams or aspirations. I never thought about buying a mine filled with bat guano or planned out my life with some idea that involved a long term business plan. I couldn’t even finish school. I just wanted the loneliness to end. I wanted the hurting to stop,” Tarnish said, his eyes closed. His body wobbled a bit and his eyes opened. “Mother, please, don’t start saying that you’re sorry. I’ve given this some thought… I don’t blame you. I’ve chalked this up to being something that just happens in life.”

“Tarnished Teapot, I must say, you are being remarkably mature about this.” Cloudy Quartz peered at Tarnish through her reading glasses.

“What choice do I have? Be mean? Send my mother away?” Tarnish looked at Pinny. “She’s suffered enough… I will confess, there is a part of me that wants to be angry… that wants to be petty… there is a part of me that wants everypony to hurt like I have hurt… and I am ashamed that part of me even exists. I’d rather not have it.”

Tarnish shook his head as tears spilled down his mother’s cheeks.

“It wouldn’t accomplish anything. And if I became that petty, if I became that heartless and mean, I’d deserve spending the rest of my life alone… unlikable and unloved.” Tarnish’s mouth pressed into a straight line for a moment and he shook his head. “I’ve grown up a lot since that first day of hitting the road.”

Tarnish felt a hoof slide under his chin and then his head was tilted back. Looking up, he saw Maud looking down at him, her face upside down in comparison to his. He saw her blink, and then felt her lips brush up against his, a soft kiss.

“Later,” Maud said in a soft monotone as she pulled away.

“My son…” Pinny’s voice died in a strangled gasp and a quivering smile spread over her muzzle as she fought to hold back tears. She lifted her steaming teacup to her lips and took a sip.

“I am thankful for what I have,” Tarnish said as he tilted his head back downwards.

“I hear the creaking of wagon wheels. Igneous is back… I’ve been worried.” Cloudy put down her teacup and eased out of her high backed chair.

Rising up on all fours, Tarnish gave himself a shake and then looked at Cloudy. “I’ll see what I can do to help.”

“If it is all the same, I think I’ll stay here and keep Pinny company,” Maud said as she looked Tarnish’s mother in the eye. “Tarnish’s magic will make short work of moving the bed.”

Pinny nodded. “Thank you, Maud.”

Author's Note

I make no apologies for the chapter title. :pinkiecrazy:

Putting the past to bed

“New bed,” Tarnish said as he stood there, not quite knowing what to say. He popped his lips, make a clicking sound with his tongue, then raised and lowered his eyebrows. “I don’t know how to thank you.”

“One day, you’ll be buying a bed like this for your own foals when they grow up and marry,” Igneous replied, standing in Maud’s doorway. He peered around the room. “A bit of a tight fit, but it will have to do for now.”

“How did you escape the storm?” Tarnish asked, looking over at Igneous.

The old stallion grinned. “I stopped by a friend’s place. Put the wagon up in the barn. Got myself a chance to shoot the breeze and have a little fun.”

“Oh.” Tarnish looked at the bed. “I am surprised Rock Haven had a bed for sale.”

“I didn’t go to Rock Haven. I had to go all the way into Foalsom Springs to get this. Was hauling double time. I enjoyed stretching my legs.” Igneous looked at Maud. “I got new sheets too. I hope you like them.”

Maud, poking the bed, nodded. “The bedsprings are quiet.”

Igneous looked at his daughter, his expression every bit as blank as Maud’s. “Yes they are, Maudlin, yes they are.”

“I am glad that you also purchased a new bed for you and mother. Your bedsprings were creaky,” Maud said in a flat voice to her father. “Those bedsprings traumatised Pinkie Pie. Every Tuesday night, she’d come into my room and climb into my bed—”

“Maudie…” said Igneous in a gentle voice.

“—and she’d cover her ears with her front hooves. Once she found out what was going on, she was so very embarrassed by the sound of it,” Maud finished.

“This is the sort of conversation that every parent dreads.” Igneous cleared his throat, coughed, and then backed out of the room. He bumped into Limestone, who was standing in the hall.

“Hiya, Daddy!” Limestone grinned at her father. “Talking about Tuesdays?”

Groaning, Igneous continued to try and back away. He bumped into Marble, let out an incoherent mutter, and tried to avoid eye contact at all costs.

“Daddy, I’m sad.” Maud looked at her father standing in the hallway, blinked, and then looked around her room. Letting out a faint sigh, Maud sat down and began to look at the many photographs on the wall.

“Maud, why are you sad?” Igneous asked. Both Marble and Limestone were standing on either side of him now, and joined him as he looked at Maud.

“I don’t want to leave this place… I know I’m married, but this is my home. This is the place I return to when I am done adventuring,” Maud replied. She took a deep breath and looked at Tarnish. “This is his home as well… this is a good place for him.”

“Maudie, you don’t have to go… nopony is saying you have to leave.” Igneous stepped through the doorway, venturing back into Maud’s room. He looked around, glancing at the many photographs, he looked at the bed, and at last, his gaze fell upon Maud. “Maudlin Pie, if you want to stay here, we’ll find some way of making that happen. Just… don’t be sad. I can’t take knowing that you are sad.”

“You don’t get that bothered when I’m sad,” Marble said to her father.

Igneous turned and looked at his filly. “Marble, when you’re sad, I can see that you are sad. I can also see when your sadness ends and you are happy again. I can’t see that with Maud.”

Marble, abashed, kicked one front hoof into the other. “I didn’t think of that.”

“Come on Marble, let’s go outside and see if that weird storm did anything to the rocks.” Limestone stepped around her father, prodded her twin sister, and made a gesture by nodding her head at the end of the hallway.

“One moment Limestone…” Marble looked at Maud. “Don’t be sad Maud… Daddy always figures out something.” Smiling at her sister, Marble followed Limestone down the hall so they could go outside together.

“Daddy, you should go and get something to eat. There’s leftovers. I’ll come to the kitchen, sit with you, and keep you company.” Maud looked at her father, then at Tarnish, and then at the bed. “Thank you for the bed.”

Having a moment alone, all to himself, Tarnished Teapot decided to make the most of it. He pulled his magic mirror out from his saddlebags, lifted it up in front of his face, and then said the name, “Twilight Sparkle.”

He waited, not knowing if there would be a reply. After what felt like several minutes, he debated saying her name again, or if perhaps he should just put away his mirror and try again later. Much later. This wasn’t going to be easy to talk about.

“Tarnished Teapot?”

“Twilight… did I contact you at a bad time?” Tarnished asked.

“No… no, not at all… I’m really glad you did… I was just about to die from boredom and you saved me,” Twilight replied.

Tarnish listened as Twilight yawned and he thought about everything he wanted to say. He started off with what he thought was important. “I want to say thank you… for everything… there is so much I want to say but words seem so meaningless to say it, so I’ll just stick with thank you.”

“Okay Tarnish… you’re welcome…”

Twilight sounded a little hesitant, or so Tarnish thought. Maybe she was still recovering from being bored. “Twilight… I have some tough questions.”

“Oh good… a mental workout. I thought I was about to go brain dead.”

Taking a deep breath, Tarnish held it for a moment, his cheeks puffing out, and then he let it all out in a slow exhale. He took another deep breath. “How do I make friends with my mother?”

“What?!”

Wincing, Tarnished Teapot held the mirror away from him. “I dunno Twilight… it is like… it is like my mother is just picking up right where she left off, at least that is what it feels like, because I don’t actually know. But being around her is strange and awkward and I don’t feel like I know her that well and I’m trying to be a good son and be nice and act like I love her, but she still feels like a total stranger to me and I don’t want to say anything because it would hurt her and I don’t want her being hurt anymore because we’ve both been hurt enough.”

“Oh my gosh… I don’t even know what to say,” Twilight replied.

“I’m also having some troubles with forgiveness… I do forgive her, I do… but I still think about what happened. It still hurts. And I don’t want to take it out on her, I don’t. I just… I… I just want to put the past to rest, but it still hurts so much and I’m scared that it is going to show and she is going to think that I am lying to her or something and she’s going to be hurt again and this is all so much more complicated than I thought it was going to be and I’m so scared Twilight and I didn’t know who else to go to,” Tarnish said, pouring his heart out.

“Forgiveness is tough.” There was a long pause. “When Discord turned my friends against me, they all treated me badly. Fluttershy dumped a bucket of water over my head. They all acted like jerks. I’ve forgiven them, but I will confess, I’ve had trouble forgetting about what they did. I still get emotional about it.”

Tarnish took a moment to think about Twilight’s words. He sat down on the floor, kicking out his hind legs, and getting comfortable. He stared into the mirror, deep creases furrowed into his brow, and his muzzle was crinkled with concentration.

“And then there is Princess Celestia. I tried to tell her that Princess Cadance, a pony I know so very well because she was my foal sitter… my foal sitter... Cadance was acting funny and was not Cadance and well… some bad things happened and to be perfectly honest, I still get mad thinking about it. Like right now, I’m trembling just a little.” There was a pause and the sound of a deep breath came out of the mirror. “If only somepony had listened to me, but nooooooo… nopony did. Not even my friends. Jerks!”

“I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have brought this up, I can let you go—”

“No, Tarnish, it’s okay.” There was another deep breath that came out of the mirror. “You’re going to have to take some time for yourself and sort out all of these things. It’s not going to be easy. That is what friendship is… and to a greater extent, love as well—accepting that somepony has faults and will make mistakes, maybe even hurt you, and choosing to be their friend anyway. You take the good with the bad and when the bad happens, you try to sort it out with your friends and then you remain their friend even though you can still remember the bad and it hurts you. The good times that happen make up for those bad moments.”

“So I should focus on making good memories with my mother until there are more good memories than bad memories?” Tarnish asked.

“Um… yes,” Twilight replied.

“Thank you, Twilight. I’m going to let you go.”

“You’re welcome… and I could stay a little longer.” Twilight huffed and it could be heard through the mirror. “You know Tarnish, I worry if you will forgive me… I think about how long you might be angry over everything that’s happened.”

“I dunno Twilight… I’d say we’re already working on making better memories…”

Author's Note

It's risky, giving Twilight that kind of characterisation. :twilightoops:

Not a rooster pot pie

When Tarnished Teapot awoke, the room was dark. He lay in the bed, aware of the warm body beside him. The alarm clock had not yet gone off. It was a new day, full of promise. Tarnish rolled over and draped his still healing foreleg over Maud. Snuggling up against her, he contented himself by pressing his snoot into the back of her neck and sniffing.

Half awake, Tarnish realised that something had changed. He was no longer quite so embarrassed about waking up with raging morning wood. He didn’t feel so ashamed of being near Maud in this condition. Yawning, Tarnish pawed Maud’s side and gave the back of her neck a nuzzle. The warm flannel of Maud’s nightgown felt good against his underside.

Still sniffing, Tarnish tilted his head and pressed his nose into the hollow just behind Maud’s ear. He rubbed his snoot along the soft velvet of her pelt, feeling the fine short hairs against his lip and the soft silken strands of Maud’s mane against his cheek. He gave an enthusiastic snort followed by a soft whinny.

“That is not a rooster,” Maud said in a voice that sounded sleepier than usual.

“Hmm?” Tarnish ran his leg over Maud’s side and breathed into her ear.

“That is not a rooster,” Maud repeated, still sleepy sounding.

It took Tarnish a moment to make the connection, his half awake brain summoning up another word for rooster. He rubbed the side of his muzzle against Maud, now grinning, and he snuggled up against her back. He felt Maud’s tail twitch up against his thighs and it caused his whole body to shudder.

“Are you going to wake up like that every morning?” Maud asked in a low voice. After speaking, Maud paused for a moment and then yawned. “You better finish what you started, the Pie family does not take kindly to shirkers and ponies who start a job but don’t finish it.” Held in Tarnish’s lose embrace, Maud Pie rolled over to face Tarnish.

“Aw, I like being up against your back,” Tarnish whispered in the dark.

“And I like having you against my back.” Maud reached over and with a firm shove to show that she meant business, she rolled Tarnish over on his back. “All that heavy breathing in my ear left me flustered.”

“Well that was the idea,” Tarnish breathed.

“Tarnish, it is time you learned that little colts aren’t the only ones who wake up aroused and needy.” Maud slid one hind leg over Tarnish’s belly and then scooted her body over his. “All that huffing and puffing in my ear. Now I have to sort myself out. This might take a while. Now be quiet as a stone and try not to make any noise.”

Dropping her head down, Maud pressed her muzzle up against Tarnish’s, swallowing up Tarnish’s muffled cry as she took him. She felt his forelegs wrap around her body, pulling her closer, shoving her downwards, a clumsy, jerky movement that accomplished the job. There was a tense moment as something that was almost pain made her gasp, but then, she relaxed and the tense feeling of discomfort went away after a few seconds.

They were still figuring out how everything worked and not everything was smooth or perfect. Maud wasn’t worried though. They had a lifetime to figure each other out and make improvements.

“I still can’t get over Maud’s mane being curly,” Limestone grumbled in a half-awake voice as she watched her sister sit down at the breakfast table. Limestone noticed that Maud’s curls were damp and that Maud appeared to have just come out of the shower. Without being able to point to any part of Maud and use it as evidence, Limestone could not help but notice that Maud seemed happy.

“What’s for breakfast?” Igneous asked as he looked around the table.

“Oatmeal with dried fruit and cinnamon rolls made by Tarnish’s mother,” Cloudy replied. She looked over at Pinny, who was hunched over the table, almost asleep. “Poor dear. Several nights in now with not enough sleep. Now look at her.”

“I’m awake,” Pinny mumbled, her head jerking up.

“The house was so quiet last night.” Marble, armed with a spoon, looked around the table, the corner of her mouth pulled back into a smirk. “Well, quiet being a relative term. No creaky bedsprings.”

“Marble,” Cloudy said as she pushed the covered dish full of oatmeal towards the filly. “You hush your mouth and mind your manners, you little scamp.”

“It’s always the quiet ones,” Pinny said and then yawned.

“Then Maud should be the funniest pony alive.” Limestone turned her head, looked at her sister, and waved a hoof in Maud’s direction.

Raising an eyebrow, Igneous looked over at Maud, knowing full well that Maud had a wicked sense of humour. It was like a double rainbow, a blue moon, it was something rare and treasured because one did not see it very often. Maud had devastating dry wit, just like her Granny Pie, Cloudy’s mother, and his mother in law. Igneous lived in fear of his mother in law’s sharp as an axe tongue and her caustic witticisms. His own mother, Pinkie, called Nana Pinkie by her grandfoals, could cut down just about anypony with one of her witty rejoinders.

“I could have been the Element of Laughter,” Maud said in a perfect deadpan.

Igneous turned his head to look at Limestone. The ball was in her court now. Limestone had started the game, Maud had joined the game, and now, Igneous wondered who was going to finish it.

Limestone’s eyebrow raised. “Is that so? Prove it.”

Feeling a prickle of fear, Igneous turned his head to look at Maud.

“I’m not really into competition.” Maud looked over at her sister. “But I am confident in my ability to make other ponies laugh. I roasted Discord at the Grand Galloping Gala.”

“How about now, when you are put on the spot?” Limestone asked. Her eyes narrowed as she challenged her sister.

Sitting at the head of the table, Igneous felt Cloudy grab his fetlock with hers. Glancing over, he could see a worried look on Cloudy’s face. Having been parents for twenty years, they had seen some ugly moments of no holds barred sibling rivalry.

“Buck-buck-buck-buccaw!” Limestone, making chicken noises, flapped her forelegs at her side. “I think somepony is a Chicken Pot Pie.”

“Fine,” Maud sighed and looked over at Tarnish.

The table fell silent as Maud leaned over and looked at Tarnish. She reached out with her hoof, placed it under Tarnish’s chin, and pulled his head closer, drawing him almost, but not quite, snoot to snoot with her. “Look into my eyes, Tarnished Teapot.”

“Okay,” Tarnish replied.

“Look at my face… my eyes… I want you to focus on me, and only me,” Maud commanded in a flat monotone. “Look how serious I am.”

“Yeah, I can see that, but you always look serious,” Tarnish said as he peered into Maud’s eyes, wondering what was about to happen.

“Listen to the sound of my voice. Do I sound funny?” Maud asked.

“Well, no… Maud, sorry, but you kinda sound like you’re going to fall back to sleep,” Tarnish replied. He felt Maud’s hoof beneath his chin, her gentle touch holding his head in place.

“Now Tarnish, when I say, ‘livestock zoning guidelines and practices,’ does that sound funny?” Maud lifted her other hoof and brought it up to Tarnish’s cheek to caress it.

Tarnish gave his head a faint shake, but not enough to break eye contact with Maud. “No Maud, but that is something that you would say. The way you say it though makes it even more boring than usual.”

“This whole thing is boring,” Limestone said, rolling her eyes.

“Tarnish, what about when I say, ‘industrial mining regulations and geological survey outlines,’ what does that do to you?” Maud, ignoring Limestone’s eye-rolling, focused on Tarnish.

“If you said that to me in bed, I’d roll over and go to sleep,” Tarnish replied.

“That’s almost funny.” Limestone waved her hoof in a dismissive fashion.

“Now Tarnish, focus upon the soothing sound of my voice… and I am going to say one word to you. Look deep into my eyes Tarnish,” Maud said in a perfect, flat monotone.

Tensing, Igneous felt Cloudy squeezing his fetlock again.

Leaning forward, Maud’s snoot touched Tarnish’s and her ears pitched forwards. “Genitalia.”

The room was filled with thunderous, deafening silence. Maud’s snoot lingered against Tarnish’s and she blinked. When she blinked, all of Tartarus broke loose. Tarnish let out a snort, then sniggered, and then threw his head back as he bellowed laughter. He covered his mouth with both front hooves, but it was no use. A second later, Tarnish fell over out of his chair and hit the kitchen floor with a thud.

When Tarnish hit the floor, his mother Pinny exploded into half awake laughter, covering her mouth with a hoof in very much the same way her son did.

Cloudy, struggling to keep a straight face, her cheeks bulging, lost it completely. She turned away from Maud, turning towards her husband, pressed her face into Igneous’ neck, and then the middle-aged mare squealed with laughter.

The sound of Cloudy’s fillyish laughter completely destroyed Igneous’ stony facade. He crowed with laughter, his forelegs now around Cloudy’s neck, clutching at her, trying to hold her so the two of them would not fall out of their chairs.

Marble, cheeks red as beets, made a flatulent sound as some laughter escaped her lips, which were pressed tight together. She squeezed her eyes shut, let out a shrill squeak, and then collapsed into laughter, hunched over the table and banging her hoof upon the wood surface.

Limestone, unable to help herself, began to guffaw, falling back into her chair, her head tilting back, and she clutched her sides as she kicked her hind legs.

Looking around the table, Maud heaved a sigh. “It wasn’t even that funny. I was counting on Tarnish’s immaturity when I said it.”

Author's Note

Not sorry.

Boulder

“Boulder is getting a little jealous of you.” Maud, looking sleepy, glanced at Tarnish, and then her eyes traveled over his books and belongings spread out over the kitchen table. Reaching into her pocket, Maud pulled Boulder out and set him down on the table, close to Tarnish’s books. “I am going to be outside with my sisters, sorting the rock pile.”

“Boulder? Jealous?” Tarnished raised his eyebrow and tried not to smile at the joke that Maud was playing on him. “Sure, why not. I can look after Boulder while I study.”

“When your mother wakes back up, try to spend some time with her,” Maud said as she leaned in close to Tarnish. She pressed her lips against his cheeks, lingered close for a moment, and then, with a sigh of regret, she pulled away. “That probably didn’t help Boulder’s jealousy.”

Tarnished Teapot looked at Maud with an amused grin and then glanced at the rock sitting near his coffee cup. He stared at Boulder for a moment, thinking about how much sense it made for Maud to have a pet rock that she held so much affection for. She could be seen kissing the rock, petting the rock, and sometimes talking to it in a sweet, kind voice.

“Boulder, be a good rock… no tricks on poor Tarnish,” Maud said, her ears perked forwards and her eyes locked upon her pet rock. “I mean it.”

Biting his lip, Tarnish held back a laugh.

His lack of serious schooling was coming back to bite Tarnish in the backside. Rubbing his head, he had no idea what he was looking at. His vision blurred over as he looked at the alchemic properties of poison joke.

Quinic acid, trans - cinnamic acid, p - coumaric acid, caffeic acid, ferulic acid, caffeoylquinic acid, dicaffeoylquinic acid, methylimidazole, acrylamide, polyphenols, methylxanthines, theobromine, theophylline, fluorine, linalool, linalool oxide, geraniol, phenylacetaldehyde, nerolidol, benzaldehyde, methyl salicylate, phenyl ethanol, trans-2-hexenal, n-hexanal, cis-3-hexenol, l-tryptophan, tryptamine, as well as trace amounts of O-phosphoryl-4-hydroxy-N,N-dimethyltryptamine—

Tarnished Teapot felt his brain shut down. Everything came to a grinding, screeching halt as the words blurred into meaningless garble. Lifting his head, Tarnish stared out the kitchen window, looking at the bright blue sky, and wishing that he had paid more attention in school. He didn’t even know how to pronounce most of the words he was trying to read.

Cringing, he looked back down at his book and what he saw gave him pause. Sitting in the middle of his book was Boulder. Boulder was not sitting near his coffee cup and his glass of water, where Boulder had been sat down earlier. Tarnish could feel the hair on the back of his neck and all along his spine begin to stand up. The kitchen was empty. There was nopony else in the kitchen but him. He stared down at the little rock in disbelief.

“How?” he asked in a voice thick with incredulity.

Lifting the stone in his magic, Tarnish brought it up to eye level. “I suspect there is more to you than I first thought. Where did Maud find you? Hmm.” He set the stone down near his coffee cup and his water glass once more.

Feeling brain dead, Tarnish resumed staring out the window. There was no hope in ever understanding the alchemical properties of poison joke. It was like reading another language. Perhaps it was time to study something else, like magic. He looked down to close his book, blinked, and then felt creeped out.

Boulder was sitting in the middle of his book once more.

Lifting the rock in his telekinesis, Tarnish eyed it for a moment and then set it down near his coffee cup once more. He closed his book, pulled his magic primer out of the pile, set the magic primer down in front of him, and opened it.

Practical Prestidigitation for the Common Unicorn, Tarnish read silently to himself. He glanced over at Boulder and could not help but feel that he was being watched. Twice the little rock had moved and now Tarnish was feeling a little paranoid. He could not explain how the rock had moved, and he wondered if his magic was playing a prank on him somehow.

Taking a deep breath, Tarnish flipped open his book to a random page, feeling more than a little unnerved. He opened the book to the section about light spells. He glanced at Boulder, stared for a few seconds, and then began reading.

Light spells start off at one lumen, or, the light equivalent of one candle. Tarnish’s eyes darted away from his book and glanced at Boulder. One ear flickered and then he resumed reading. At one lumen, a light spell isn’t very practical as far as lighting goes, but it will keep you from bumping your hooves during those late night trips to the bathroom.

When Tarnish looked over at Boulder, he wasn’t there. The colt let out a fearful whinny followed by a snort. He looked around, frantic, trying to find the rock. He found it right away, sitting on top of his stack of books. If Boulder wanted to sit on top of a stack of books, Tarnish wasn’t going to stop him.

Increasing lumens in a light spell burns calories at ever increasing rates. Five to ten lumens will cause most unicorns to burn around twenty calories an hour, but producing a twenty lumen light will cause the calorie expenditure to rise to over fifty calories an hour. If you plan to use your horn for light, make certain you eat a big lunch!

Confused, Tarnish did not understand what he was reading. At least, not very well. He hadn’t paid much attention to calories and basic biology in school. He looked at a simple chart of ever increasing calorie costs and higher lumen ratings.

He found a listing for a sixty watt light bulb and saw that it was listed as eight hundred lumens, but the box for the calorie expenditure was empty. The book wanted him to calculate approximately how many calories it would take to produce eight hundred lumens for an hour. Looking at all the numbers, Tarnish began to feel discouraged. He had no clue where to even begin to make this calculation. A note at the bottom of the page said to be thankful for electric lights. Not understanding anything, Tarnish sighed.

He closed the book and picked up Boulder in his telekinesis. “You know, just when I start to think that I might be just a little smart, I get a big slap in the face reminding me that I’m stupid. I was starting to feel pretty good about myself for a while there. Now, I just feel worthless.”

Boulder of course, did not reply.

“Come on Boulder, let’s go for a walk. I need to stretch my legs.”

Author's Note

So... what's up with Boulder?

Entering the back door

Entering through the back door and into the kitchen, Tarnished Teapot paused when he saw his mother. She was sitting at the kitchen table, staring down at one of his books, a steaming cup of tea in front of her. Tarnish cleared his throat as he came in, letting her know that it was him.

“Hello,” Pinny said in a low voice that was somewhat hoarse.

Sitting down, Tarnish could see that she had been crying again. Her eyes were red, bloodshot, and her eyelids were puffy. Leaning forward upon the table, Tarnish looked at his mother, trying to sort out his own thoughts, trying to figure out what to say to make her feel better.

“What was it like for you?” Tarnish asked in a quiet voice.

“It was rough,” Pinny replied. She turned and looked at her son as she drew in a shuddering breath. “Tarnish, Baby, I still feel so guilty. The guilt ate me up inside. I felt like the worst mother in the world. It got to the point that I couldn’t look at you or even be around you because I felt so bad inside. I was the worst mother in the world and I couldn’t deal with it.”

His gaze dropping down to the table, Tarnish sighed.

“I just couldn’t deal with it. It was easier just to go away and focus on what I was good at. I couldn’t bear to be at home, but I couldn’t bear to be away either. I just stayed miserable.” Pinny lifted up her teacup and took a sip. “You know, this tea levels out my magic. I still get a few hiccups, but they’re not so bad.”

“I didn’t deal with it very well,” Tarnish said as he looked up from the table and peered into his mother’s eyes. “It ruined everything for me. More than just my magic… but my state of mind… I couldn’t concentrate in school. I got bad grades. With each bad grade, I felt more and more guilty, wondering if I was the one pushing you away, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t figure out how to be a good colt. Even before my cutie mark showed up… I felt like such a failure because I couldn’t do anything right and I started to believe that you didn’t love me because I was such a horrible colt. I couldn’t do anything to please you or make you happy.”

“Baby, I’m sorry.” Pinny set her teacup down and hunched over it.

“I felt so worthless… so angry with myself. I hated myself… I couldn’t do anything right and I drove my mother away because of how worthless I was—”

“Tarnish, Baby, that’s not true…”

“I know that… but that is how I felt,” Tarnish whispered.

“I felt like all those things were my fault. That I was responsible for your bad grades. That me being a bad mother caused you to perform badly in school.” Pinny shook her head, fresh, plump tears now rolling down her cheeks and spilling upon the wooden table around her teacup. “I am so scared now… I keep having nightmares that you’re angry with me, that you refuse to forgive me, and you scream and you shout at me and you send me away, refusing me to be a part of your life again, that you have foals and start a family and I’m cast aside and thrown out into the cold because of what I did and I—”

“Mother, stop.” Tarnish raised his hoof. “Mother, please, just stop.”

Pinny Lane bit down upon her bottom lip as her whole face quivered.

“I forgive you,” Tarnish said in a voice that cracked with emotion. He sounded like a small colt once more, his voice becoming squeaky. “Both of us are going to remember what happened, and we’re both going to hurt because of it, and sometimes those feelings are going to be strong… but I don’t hate you, I’m not angry with you, and I forgive you.”

“Thank you, Baby.” Pinny took a deep, shuddering breath, her whole body trembling, and she looked into her son’s eyes. “You’ve grown up… I don’t have to call you Baby if it makes you feel bad.”

“I don’t mind.” Tarnish blinked away a few tears.

“If you ever need me, you send a message. Send a telegram. Use the mirror. I’ll come running. I know that you’re all grown up now and you’ve got to go out into the world… but I want to spend time with you. I want to get to know you and the young stallion that you’ve become. I’m not sure if I should call you my colt anymore.” Pinny wiped her eyes with her foreleg. “I feel like I don’t even know you.”

“What do you want to know?” Tarnish asked.

“What is your favourite colour?” Pinny replied, asking her son a question.

“I dunno, that’s tough to answer.” Tarnish sniffled and gave his answer some thought. “Some days, some colours strike me as being real beautiful. I dunno… maybe this is silly, but I’ve always been fond of my own pelt colour… I like rich, deep, chocolate browns.”

“What is your favourite sort of book to read?” Pinny gave her son a twitching smile.

“I dunno… I guess I like books that have a bit of everything in them. A bit of mystery, some adventure, action, maybe a bit of science fiction or fantasy. If a book is just one thing, like a mystery, set on a train or something that everypony is trying to figure whodunnit, well, I tend to get bored and give up,” Tarnish replied, hoping he could make his mother understand what he meant.

“What is your favourite thing about Maud?” Pinny asked. She wiped her eyes again.

Tarnish felt his cheeks grow warm and his neck grew hot. He blinked a few times and then began to feel nervous. He pressed his lips together and his ears stood up as he tried to think about what to say.

“Tarnish, I am your mother… and I want to be your friend. You can tell me anything… I just want to… I just want to know you… what you think… and how you feel.” Pinny brushed her mane out of her face and then sniffled a few times, trying to clear her nose.

“I like how weird she is.” Tarnish stared down at the table. “I like that I have to work to figure her out. She makes me pay attention. I like when she hugs me… she has this warmth to her. I think I understand why Pinkie Pie loves her sister so much. I like how smart she is.” Tarnish reached up and scratched his throat with his hoof. “Maud is like this amazing book that you don’t notice at first because it has a plain cover… so it is easy to overlook… but should you pick up the book and start reading, it is like I was saying earlier. This book has a bit of everything in it and I keep getting surprised by what I’m reading.”

“That is the sweetest thing ever said about me.”

“MAUD!” Tarnish almost fell out of his chair and he heard soft laughter coming from his mother. He turned around and stared at Maud, who was standing in the kitchen door. “How long have you been standing there?”

Maud blinked. “I came in the door, your mother saw me, and then she asked you what your favourite thing about me was.”

Tarnish whipped his head around to look at his mother, who had covered her mouth with her hoof and was shaking with laughter. He felt a growing heat travelling through his neck. He let out a faint whimper and then slumped down in his chair.

“He’s adorable when he’s flustered,” Pinny said. She shook her head. “And such a gentlecolt. He loves you for your mind, Maud.”

“How noble,” Maud replied.

“Hey!” Tarnish squeaked.

“I hope Boulder behaved. When I left him with you, I was worried that he was going to be mischievous.”

Tarnish raised his hoof, glad to have the subject changed. “Yeah, Maud, about that…”

Author's Note

No, not in your window, your back door.

Happy husband hugs

Wide eyed, Tarnished Teapot watched as Maud dropped the heavy trunk into her wagon. The past few days had been a time of preparation, spending time with family, and making up for lost time with his mother. The whole wagon lurched as the trunk landed with a solid thump upon the wooden planks of the bed.

Using his telekinesis, Tarnish dropped another trunk, this one full of foodstuffs, into the back of the wagon, and then with a hard shove, he scooted it over the wooden boards into the other, securing both in place. He then watched as Maud locked everything into place using heavy oiled canvas straps with heavy duty brass snaps.

The trunks were mostly water-proof, they would keep the goods inside dry in heavy rain and exposure to the elements. Inside, there was gear, clean smocks, film, cameras, notebooks, ledgers, everything needed for a long expedition, and food.

Creeping up behind Maud, Tarnish rested his head upon her croup, sliding his chin over the smooth fabric that covered the sensitive area just above her dock. He saw Maud’s sides expand and then she turned her head around to look at him. One eyebrow was raised.

“What are you doing?” Maud asked.

“What does it look like?” Tarnish replied. He scooted forward a bit, sliding his head along Maud’s spine, until his chest was touching the curve of her backside. He raised a foreleg, stoked Maud along her hip, rustling the fabric of her smock and exposing her cutie mark for a moment.

“It looks like you are trying to embarrass both of us in front of my father and mother.” Maud lifted up her hoof and pointed.

Grinning, Tarnish lifted his head, stepped back a few steps, and then chuckled as he gave both of his parents in law a sheepish grin. “Hi.”

“Save it until you two go off adventuring together,” Cloudy said, raising her eyebrow in a manner similar to Maud’s. “When you two are off in the deserted countryside, you can get that out of your system—”

“Cloudy Pie!” Igneous closed his eyes and his ears pinned back against his skull.

“What?” Cloudy turned and looked at her husband. She watched him backing away.

“I’m… going to go back inside and get myself a cold bottle of sarsaparilla,” Igneous said as he headed for the back door, his head held low as he slinked away.

“Poor Igneous.” Cloudy shook her head.

“What’s the matter?” Maud asked.

“All of his little fillies are growing up. You’re married… Pinkie Pie has her mystery suitor, and Marble has that Gaunt family colt, Sonneur.” Cloudy shook her head. “Igneous’ entire life was defined by providing for his little fillies. Now, they’re grown up and he doesn’t know what to do. He feels very lost and confused.”

“Poor Daddy.” Maud leaned over on Tarnish, who she was now standing beside, and then heaved a sigh. “He’s developing a drinking habit.”

Giving her daughter a sidelong glance, Cloudy began to snicker even as she tried to hold it in. “We can afford it now. Those rocks from that last storm, when Tarnish went out and just stood there, waiting to be hit by lightning, all those rocks were valuable and profitable. We’re not poor anymore Maud.”

“I don’t think we were ever poor. We had each other.” Maud looked at her mother and then turned her head to look at Tarnish. “Your mother is leaving tonight on the six o’clock train. You’d better say goodbye to her.”

“Where did she go?” Tarnish asked.

“She’s off with Limestone and Marble. They went over to the new covered bridge.” Cloudy clucked her tongue. “Limestone and Marble adore Pinny. It makes my heart warm to see them together. Pinny is one sad, badly hurt pony. She puts on such a brave face though.”

“Tarnish, you did a good thing forgiving her and making things right. Both of you can heal now and start being a family again. For this, you get happy husband hugs later,” Maud said in an emotionless monotone.

Cloudy sighed and shook her head.

“Mom, it isn’t what you think—”

“Happy husband hugs aren’t what I think?” Cloudy smirked at her daughter.

Maud lifted her hoof. “Honest, they’re innocent.”

The middle aged earthen mare nodded. “If you say so, I’ll take your word for it.”

“Tarnished Teapot…”

“Mother?” Tarnish looked over at Pinny Lane. She was standing near a rock pile.

“Come here,” Pinny said.

Tarnish moseyed over, moving with a slight limp. He saw his mother’s horn lighting up and he wondered what she was up to. He lifted his head and his ears perked up. His mother looked serious, there was no trace of a smile or her usual sadness hidden behind said smile.

“Tarnish, Baby, we’re unicorns. As such, we have a sacred obligation and it is time I teach you something that I should have taught you a long time ago.” Pinny Lane’s eyes narrowed.

“Sacred obligation?” A curious Tarnish’s ears swiveled around and pitched forwards.

“Yeah, Baby. A sacred obligation. As unicorns, we have to protect our fellow ponies and our friends with our magic. You, your magic is pretty dangerous already, but we’re not alicorns and were not even in the same league as Twilight Sparkle—Baby, why are you smiling?”

“You said ‘league’ and you like to bowl…” Tarnish tilted his head off to one side.

“Pay attention and don’t be silly,” Pinny said as she grinned. “Our magic… we unicorns, and I don’t pretend to be an expert, but every unicorn has a special spell that is theirs and theirs alone. Something associated with our cutie marks or our names. I don’t understand how it works, or why it is this way, but that is just how it is.”

“Okay.” Tarnish focused his attention on his mother. “How do our names cause an effect upon our magic?”

“I don’t know, Baby. That’s just how it is. Names are a magic all their own… when you have a foal, you and Maud will start to discuss names, and then, somehow, you will just know. I don’t even pretend to understand how it works.” Pinny Lane shook her head. “I was named Pinny Lane and I grew up to be a bowler. That is just how it is. And my special spell is related to my talent… my special spell is ‘The Splitter.’ It starts off as one telekinetic bolt and after it flies towards the target, it breaks into four bolts, imitating the Big Four in bowling… a four-six-seven-ten split. I’ve cleared out entire barroom brawls with this spell and once made some big gross, ugly, drooling monster think twice about trying to eat me and a friend of mine. Over time, I’ve made my special spell better and better. The bolts used to be shapeless, but now they look like little bowling balls.”

“And you think I have a special spell?” Tarnish asked.

“Tarnish, you are a unicorn. You must have a special spell. All unicorns do. You have peculiar magic, but that seems to be passive more than anything. I know you must have a special spell. Experiment with magic. Learn what you are capable of. Your special spell will come to you… keep Maud safe. She’s a strong, capable earth pony mare. She’ll probably keep you safe in the wilds. But in the odd chance you come across something that she can’t overpower with brute strength… it will come down to you being a unicorn.” Pinny’s eyes narrowed. “You’re going to be a tall, intimidating stallion when you reach your full size. Long legged. Long necked. You won’t be big and solid like that Big Mac fella, but being tall goes a long ways. You be polite and kind just like that Longhaul pony you were telling me about told you. But if the situation demands it, you bring yourself up to your full height and you look mean. You keep Maud safe. And you have sisters now! Little fillies that I love to pieces… so you look after Limestone and Marble!”

“Okay,” Tarnish replied in a soft voice.

Pinny angled her head, her horn glowing with a brilliant, blazing blue. She squinted, and a phantom blue bowling ball shot from her horn, rocketing towards the rock pile. A short distance from her horn, it split into four bowling balls, and then collided with the rock pile with a terrific crash. There was an almost comical sound of a bowling ball hitting pins and the rock pile flew apart. Eyes narrowed in a fierce manner, Pinny looked at her son and then began to put the rocks back into a pile.

“How do I find my special spell?” Tarnish asked.

Pinny shrugged. “I don’t know. It will come to you. You’ll have to study. Experiment. Expose yourself to danger and let go with your magic. Something will happen and your special spell will show itself. All unicorns have one… something that makes them special.”

“Hmm.” Tarnish looked at the rock pile and then back at his mother.

“I need to go and pack… you think about what I told you,” Pinny said to her son.

“Okay, but I have no idea if I have a special spell.” Tarnish smiled at Pinny. “I’ll go with you. We can talk while you are packing.”

Side of the road

Author's Note

Why must banjo music sound so sad? Somehow fitting though. It is midnight as I post this.

Side of the road

“I don’t want to say goodbye… I just got you back,” Tarnish said as a painful lump in his throat made it difficult to say anything at all. He looked at his mother and did his best not to cry, but it was harder by the minute because his mother was crying.

“Tarnish, Baby, you gotta go out and make your way in the world. You gotta grow up now and look after Maud and there are things you need to do. We’ll talk. We’ll stay close. And if you are going to be somewhere for a few days that is safe, contact me on the mirror and I’ll try to come and see you,” Pinny Lane said. She coughed, trying to deal with the phlegm in her throat.

“All aboard! Final call! Express to Ponyville now leaving!”

“You look after Maud… I’m very proud of you, doing the right thing and settling down with a nice mare.” Pinny turned to look at Maud. “Maud, I can never thank you enough for what you’ve done. You gave me my son back… I love you for this.”

Maud, impassive, stood as silent as a stone.

“Tarnished Teapot, you be a good pony! And you think about what we talked about earlier. I love you!” Pinny turned and placed a hoof upon the step. “Goodbye, both of you!”

“Goodbye, be well! I’ll be in contact!” Tarnish shouted over the rumble of the locomotive as it began to build up pressure and steam.

“Pinny, before you go...”

“Maud?”

“Thank you for Tarnished Teapot.”

Pinny, now standing on the stairs, peering over her shoulder, tears streaming down her cheeks, gave Maud a watery smile. “You both are so perfect together… it makes me happy.”

“Goodbye!” Tarnish lifted up his bad foreleg and used it to wave. With a chug, the train started moving and Tarnish blinked away tears. “Maud, I’m losing my mother again—”

“No Tarnish, she’ll come back.”

Limping along, Tarnish followed after Maud as they returned home. There was a huge lump in his throat and it was difficult to breathe. The pressure behind his eyes made it difficult to see. It was getting harder and harder to hold it all in—more than anything else, Tarnish wanted to bawl so it could all be let out.

Maud, seeing that Tarnish was in pain, paused and stood in the road, blinking a few times, trying to figure out what to do. Saying nothing, she turned herself towards Tarnish, taking a step towards him, freezing for a moment, and then continuing her course of action. She bumped into him and began herding him to the side of the road.

Confused, Tarnish went along with what Maud was doing. As they stepped into the grass together, he felt Maud kiss him on the side of the mouth. He felt Maud’s hoof on his back, there was pressure, she was pushing him down. He flexed his knees and eased himself down into the soft grass on the side of the road. He watched as Maud kneeled down beside him. With a soft shove, Tarnish was pushed over onto his side and then Maud threw a foreleg over him, pinning him down in the grass.

“You’re going to let all of this out and then I’m going to see what I can do to make you feel better,” Maud said in a low whisper, her lips brushing up against Tarnish’s ear and causing it to twitch.

“What did I do to deserve you?” Tarnish asked as he pressed his muzzle into the hollow just below Maud’s jaw.

“You listened. You swallowed a bug. You said I was weird… but you also said I was pretty,” Maud replied as she rubbed her chin against Tarnish’s ear. Maud felt a growing dampness along her jaw, which was over Tarnish’s eye, and she could feel his snoot pressing into her neck as he began to tremble.

She pulled her head away, tilted her muzzle downwards, and then begin to kiss away the tears as they fell. They were salty on her lips. “You did a brave thing, forgiving your mother. I’m proud of you. That’s what I wanted in a husband. Now let it all out.”

Laying with her front half propped up on Tarnish’s barrel, Maud cradled Tarnish’s neck in her forelegs, holding him close, watching, feeling helpless as the floodgates disintegrated and Tarnish fell apart.

“I feel so guilty… I wanted to hate her… I was angry. I wanted her to hurt like I hurt… and I feel ashamed because of these thoughts… I feel so bad.” Tarnish went limp in Maud’s embrace, depending upon the mare to hold him up.

“But you did the right thing and that is why I love you…”

Breathless, feeling exhausted, depleted, and dehydrated, Tarnish clung to Maud as they lay in the tall grass together. A cool breeze blew as the evening began to creep over the land. Closing his eyes, he thought of the loving moments spent with Maud; Maud laying in the grass, Tarnish on her back, clinging to her like a drowning pony caught in a lethal undertow. His cheek had been pressed up against hers, they had lain neck to neck, it was an odd, quiet, fervent moment of love.

Their first coupling in the grass was over in a hurry, a problem that Tarnish felt embarrassed about, ashamed even, but Maud seemed to understand and had even told him it was okay. Sometimes, that first joining, especially if he was over-eager, would be over far too soon. But the second or third encounter was where Tarnish came into his own. Their final loving embrace, the one that had just exhausted both of them, felt as though it had lasted for hours. Maud had begged him to finish in a breathless monotone that was sexy in the most confusing sort of way.

A pleasant soreness lingered in Tarnish’s body. He pressed his nose against Maud’s neck, snorted, and took great pleasure in feeling Maud’s whole body twitch against him. Maud was sweaty, her pelt was damp with perspiration, both her own and his. The inside of Maud’s thigh, which was resting upon his hind leg, was wetter than the dewy grass that glistened in the dawn.

Overhead, as the darkness began to creep over the land, the first star twinkled into view, a courageous star that dared to be first, a lone star that dared to shine brightest when none shone at all.

Itchy from sweat, Tarnish wiggled in the grass, scratching his withers and his croup against the ground, snorting until he made himself sneeze. Beside him, Maud began doing the same, following Tarnish’s example, but her movements were slow, subdued, and lacked Tarnish’s enthusiasm. She gave a few half-hearted kicks, let out a snort, and then went still.

“I suppose that I should get dressed and we should head home.”

“Not yet Maud… just a little longer. I want to watch the stars come out.”

Leaving home

“So you two are off to the Ghastly Gorge?” Igneous, one eye almost squinting, peered at Maud over the breakfast table. “That place is dangerous as I recall. Something about eels.”

“Quarray Eels. There are also giant eagles and a number of other dangerous predators.” Maud spoke about the danger in very much the same way she talked about everything else, sounding as though she was bored to tears with it.

“There is also dangerous flora. Stranglesnatch, needler cactuses down in the canyon, and vomiting violets—”

“What is a vomiting violet?” Limestone asked, cutting Tarnish off mid-sentence.

“Vomiting violets are magical plants that live in extreme areas, usually growing in sand, or taking root in the crevices of rocks. If you get too close, you’ll become violently ill, or as botanists like to say, violet-ly ill and barf, thus providing the vomiting violets what they need to grow—moisture and fertiliser,” Tarnish replied.

“I’ve ran into those… very pretty.” Maud ate some of her plain oatmeal and shook her head. After swallowing, she looked over at Tarnish. “I found that I really wanted to look at them.”

“They use a mild compulsion based magic. You see them, think they are pretty, go over to have a look, get too close, and, well, you know what happens next.” Tarnish’s ears pinned back against his skull. “I like reading about magical plants.”

“Maud, you found yourself a budding botanist.” Marble glanced at her sister, a smirk causing the corner of her mouth to curl upwards as a collective groan could be heard around the table. “What? Tarnish has a growing interest.”

“Marble…” Igneous looked at his daughter with one eyebrow raised. “It is too early.”

“For what, Daddy?” Marble’s eyes opened wide and she tried to look as innocent as possible. She hunched forwards over her oatmeal to make herself look smaller.

Ignoring the contest of wills between Marble and Igneous, Cloudy Quartz turned her head to look at Maud and Tarnish. “I’ve packed a few special treats into the trunk with the food. I packed a few extra blankets just in case. I know it is summer, but odd things can happen. Igneous has gone over the wagon… the axles are greased and everything is in good repair… Igneous says that the wagon comes out to over six hundred pounds of load with the increased supplies… are you going to be able to pull that Maud?”

Chewing, Maud’s eyes narrowed somewhat and her brows crinkled. Her ears splayed out sideways. After a moment, her eyes widened ever so slightly and she looked over at Tarnish. “When I was pulling the wagon with you in it, and the rocks I brought home to study, the weight of the wagon was about five hundred pounds. I was able to pull for fifteen to twenty miles a day without serious fatigue on flat ground. I think I should be fine. Tarnish doesn’t look like much, but he’s solid for being so gangly.”

“I’m getting old… I don’t know that I could pull a five hundred pound load for twenty miles.” Igneous’ brows furrowed. “We need to help Tarnish get his wagon license.”

“I have no shame, so I’ll come right out and admit, I doubt that I could pull a wagon with any sort of load.” Tarnish gobbled down more oatmeal that was loaded down with dried fruit. “I am the weakest pony at this table.”

“Tarnish, don’t be self depreciating. You’re not an earth pony, you’re a unicorn. You don’t have our strength, but you do have your own strength. Any comparison between the two of us is irrelevant,” Marble said to Tarnish in a soft voice.

“Yeah Tarnish, as a unicorn, your job is to do unicorn stuff… whatever that is.” Limestone gave Tarnish a grin. “I have no idea what unicorns do, but I’m trying to be nice.”

“I am positive that Tarnish will find all sorts of useful talents on the road.” Cloudy lifted her spoon to her lips, paused before taking a bite, and said, “Just be careful. Both of you. I worry every time you leave, Maud. And now, now I have you to worry about, Tarnished Teapot.”

Looking bashful, Tarnish ducked his head down, bending his long neck.

Blinking, Maud looked at her parents. “Tarnish can protect me from being lonesome.”

“See, I am useful!” Tarnish gave everypony a sheepish grin and then tore into his oatmeal in earnest.

Standing in the yard, Tarnished Teapot realised that he had reached a transition point in his life. Ahead of him was his future. Behind him were his many mistakes, but also some of his secret successes. His mistakes had led him here. His future, whatever he wanted it to be, would depend on hard work and continuing to learn from his mistakes. Using his magic, he adjusted his pith helmet. It was dry for now, but he could wet it if he needed to so his head could stay cool.

He heard the jangle of tack and turned his head. Maud was strapping herself in and getting hitched up so they could go. She was wearing one of her mother’s broad brimmed sun bonnets, protecting her eyes, her face, and her neck from the sun.

“Maud, I wish you would reconsider, taking the southern highway that leads along the south end of the Froggy Bottom Bogg—would it be so bad to take a few extra days and follow the highway that goes through Ponyville?” Igneous looked his daughter in her eyes, his worry plain to see.

“Daddy, that highway follows along between the Everfree and the Froggy Bottom Bogg… it is dangerous too—”

“Yeah it is! I know from experience… manticores can be found along that stretch of highway!” Tarnish, recalling a troublesome memory, shuddered and felt his skin crawl with revulsion. “Big, mean, nasty manticores… ugh.”

“You encountered a manticore?” Limestone asked.

“Yep,” Tarnish replied.

“And you got away?” Cloudy looked at Tarnish, her eyes narrowing. “Well, that makes me feel a little better. If you can dissuade a manticore from eating you, you can keep Maud safe.”

“Yeah, I dissuaded the manticore from eating me,” Tarnish said in a low, squeaky, embarrassed whisper. “Dissuaded. Yep. That’s what I did.”

“How is your leg?” Cloudy took a step closer to Tarnish, eyeing him and trying to determine if he was road worthy. The wagon was full, very much so, and there would be no way for Tarnish to ride without the wagon becoming overloaded to the point of danger.

“It hurts a little sometimes, but I can walk on it. Still hurts to put weight on it though.” Tarnish lowered his head. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry. Walking is the best thing I can do to make the bone strong again.”

“Maud, be careful,” Marble said as she gave her sister a hug and then gave her sister a loving head-bonk. “Come back to us soon. I miss you when you’re gone.”

“Yeah Maud, be careful.” Limestone’s cheerful demeanour faded and her ears splayed out sideways. She stepped forward, pushed Marble aside, and also gave Maud a loving head-bonk. Standing snoot to snoot with Maud, Limestone took a deep breath and then her ears perked forwards. “Maud, don’t stay gone too long. I know there is a lot of neat stuff to look at out there, but we miss you here at home.”

Feeling a bit miffed by Limestone pushing her aside, Marble focused on Tarnish. She walked over, smiled, and then headbutted the unicorn, almost dropping him to the ground. “Tarnish, you be careful. Stay close to Maud and everything will be fine.”

Seeing stars, Tarnished Teapot wondered what had started the earth pony custom of butting heads together as a form of affection. He looked at Marble, seeing two of her, and gave both of them a smile. A second later, something else impacted with his head, causing him to stumble backwards, and then there were at least four to six fillies in his vision.

“You’re the only brother I have. Don’t mess that up. Stay safe,” Limestone said.

“Both of you, stay safe.” Igneous let out a gruff grunt and then just stood there, looking rather sulky. “If you change your mind, you can come home at any time.”

“Goodbye both of you. Now get out of here before we start crying.” Cloudy Quartz reached up and wiped the corner of her eye with her fetlock. “Go on. Both of you are grown ups. Go out there and live your lives. Do good things. Be kind to all you meet and if you find somepony in trouble, help them. Don’t do anything that would make me ashamed of you.”

Tarnish raised his hoof and gave a little wave. “Goodbye.”

Leaning into her harness, Maud began to pull the wagon. It creaked and then began to move forward, the well greased wheels moving with ease. “Goodbye… I love you all.”

“Wait, we’ll walk with you all the way to Rock Haven!” Limestone shouted as she bounced into place beside Maud.

“Yeah, Rock Haven.” Marble pulled up alongside Tarnish and then gave him a sidelong glance. “We do this almost every time that Maud leaves.”

“Sometimes our parents come with us,” Limestone said to Tarnish.

“Wait, wait for us!” Cloudy trotted forwards and Igneous was right behind her.

“A little walk won’t hurt us.” Igneous pulled up alongside his wife and fell into step with her, the brim of his hat bouncing as his hooves thudded against the dusty path.

“There is no promise of tomorrow. Each moment we have together is precious and we should make the most of it.” Marble bumped into Tarnish and gave him a smile.

Limestone, smiling, glad to have her family around her, flashed a brilliant smile and said, “You know, maybe someday, all of us should go on the road together!”

Author's Note

This was very difficult to write.

To go a ramblin'

Author's Note

The music is optional, but fun. Enjoy.

To go a ramblin'

Walking down the road, Tarnished Teapot saw that his sapphire amulet was a pleasing shade of blue. Keeping a thermos of poison joke tea was helpful and there were several compressed bricks of the stuff in the wagon. As an extra added bonus, it could be served cold or hot.

There had been a somewhat tearful farewell back in Rock Haven. Tarnish had been kissed several times; first by Cloudy, then by Marble, who told him to stay safe, and then by Limestone, who almost broke his neck when she hugged him. Limestone was almost as strong as Maud, but lacked Maud’s fine control.

He and Maud headed west, heading towards Ponyville in only the barest sense. They would be traveling back to Rambling Rock Ridge. From there, they would go south a bit, following the highway, and then head towards the Ghastly Gorge.

At the far southern end of the Ghastly Gorge was the Crack of Doom, an unstable ley line nexus with some unique geological features. There was a geyser that shot jets of magically charged water into the air, causing all manner of unusual disturbances and wild weather. The rising steam was laced with unstable magic and had a wide dispersal area. It was the source of serious magical mutation in the area, such as the quarray eels and the area’s spectacular aggressive flora.

Maud was moving along at a good pace and Tarnish was having no trouble keeping up. He walked alongside her, his saddlebags bouncing, filled with a few assorted odds and ends such as a canteen filled with water just in case Maud needed a drink.

“Maud?”

“What Tarnish?”

“I feel kinda funny.”

“Are we going to have to pull over somewhere to deal with your funny feelings?”

“No, Maud, nothing like that… I’m just feeling… a little inadequate.”

“Why?”

“Well, I am supposed to be this young, strapping stallion… yet here you are, pulling a wagon filled with a few hundred pounds of gear and you’re a mare. I feel bad and I don’t know why.”

“Hmm… gender roles. Are you having trouble with the gender role given to you by society? Are you feeling guilty because a mare can pull a wagon that you couldn’t even move?”

Tarnish nodded.

“So because you are male, you are supposed to be the wagon hauler?”

“I dunno… it’s what I grew up hearing… knowing… look, I wasn’t trying to start anything, I was just… just… just trying to say that my head was full of gobbledygook.”

“Tarnish, I understand. I have a confession… I was teasing you just a little bit.”

“Maud, when you do that, it is very hard to know when you are teasing.”

“I know, that’s what makes it funny.”

Unable to help himself, Tarnish laughed and let out a snort.

“Mares face a lot of challenges going into the geosciences field. When I was in university, I had to deal with a lot of trouble just to learn geology. I had a chemistry professor that told me that mares couldn’t learn chemistry because it was too complicated and I had to file a complaint with the school and he got in trouble and that made my whole life miserable.”

“I’m sorry that happened.”

“In the end, I got what I wanted. A double rocktorate in the geological sciences and theoretical thaumaturgical geology. Now, I am doing what I wanted with my life. As an extra added bonus, I have you to keep me company now and we get to have conversations like this one.”

Falling silent, Tarnish listened to the jangle of tack, the creaking of wagon wheels, and the sounds of hooves thudding against dirt. It was silly, really, fretting over who pulled the wagon. He couldn’t even come up with a decent reason as to why he felt guilty. He glanced over at Maud. The brim of her hat bounced with each step. A few curls spilled down her neck and bobbed in time with the bouncing of the brim of her hat. Distracted by his thoughts, he focused instead upon Maud. There was something beautiful about her, but he had trouble saying what it was.

“Tarnish?”

“Yeah?”

“You have an unique opportunity, Tarnish.”

“I do?”

“You do.” Maud paused for a long moment before she continued. “There is schooling and there is education. Working with me, you have a chance to get an education. I don’t want to tell you what to do—but I am telling you what to do.” Maud sighed and then turned to look at Tarnish, who kept pace beside her. “You will have a chance to learn about plants in a way that few others can. You and I, we’re not like other ponies. We are going to go into dangerous places where few others can go. You are going to have chances to study things up close and personal. Don’t waste this opportunity. Tarnish, you could make something out of yourself, schooling or no.”

“Do you really think I can?” Tarnish’s eyes narrowed and he studied Maud’s face, what little bit of it he could see beneath the floppy brim of her hat.

“I know you can.” Maud drew in a deep breath. “One of my professors was entirely self taught. Only went to primary school. Earth pony… grew up on a farm. Found a fossilised fish one day in a chunk of rock. Got his cutie mark. Continued working as a farmer for a long time until the itch got to be too much to bear. He went wandering, found more fossils, and is now one of the leading experts on fossils. He can’t read or write very well, but he is a living legend when it comes to fossil studies and field work. He can read rocks… the layers… and know which fossils can be found in which layer. I’ll admit, I idolise him.”

“So how do I become a botanist?”

“Study plants.”

“Well, that’s helpful, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“No, really, what do I do?”

“Study plants. Spend lots of time around them. Observe them. Take photos of them. Draw pictures. Watch the carnivorous plants in action. Find behaviour that has never been seen before. Discover a new species. Provide lots of raw data for scholars to obsess over.”

Feeling doubtful, Tarnish considered Maud’s words. “Do you really think that anypony will take me serious as a botanist even though I dropped out of school?”

“Tarnish, it is all up to you and how hard you work. There is almost one hundred pounds of film in that wagon and several cameras of different types, including a movie camera that I paid a lot of bits for. There are plenty of empty ledgers just waiting to be filled. The wagon is full of promise and opportunity. For both of us. If we want it, we’re going to have to work hard to get it.”

“Maud?”

“Yes?”

“Can we use the movie camera to, um, film us?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because. Reasons.”

“Yeah, but it would be fun to watch.”

“Hmm.”

Tarnish grinned. “I shall remain hopeful. Perhaps after our expedition, because we’re going to need our film for our work.”

“If somepony else was to watch it I would die, Tarnish. What if my sisters saw it… or my parents? Do you really want to take the risk of that happening? I couldn’t live with myself.”

The grin vanished and Tarnish began nodding. “Yeah, yeah, life as we know it would be over.” Tarnish made a long, dramatic pause. “If we did do it, we’d need for me to get the dud out of my system.”

“The dud?”

“You know… sometimes when we first go at it and I’m done entirely too soon—”

“That really bothers you, doesn’t it?” Maud shook her head.

“Well, of course it bothers me. I’m a stallion now. I am supposed to be a pillar of virility and a powerful wagon puller. Instead, I have a flower on my butt and there is that whole… issue.” Tarnish turned away from Maud and focused upon the road ahead.

“So you wouldn’t want that on film?”

“NO!”

“So we would want to start filming after you’ve had a couple of goes to warm up.”

“Yes—wait, are you saying that we can film ourselves?”

“No. We’re discussing what might happen… in theory.”

“So this is a scholarly conversation? Tarnish felt his muscles contract and his eyebrow raised. “You know, we could turn this into a scientific hobby. We could study our film, our photos, and we could figure out how to improve. We could take notes. We could observe what is going on and figure out all of the little things that make you moan.”

“I think I need a drink of water. It’s hot… the sun is hot today.” Maud drew in a deep breath and her tail swished around her hind legs.

Holding his head high, Tarnished Teapot began to strut.

Where the river runs

Home was now several days behind them and the road stretched out before them. Maud made good time on level ground, pulling the wagon with very little effort. Tarnish’s limp was becoming a little less pronounced and each day he could put a little more weight down on his bad leg.

The road was dusty, not having seen any rain for quite some time. Summer had reached the point where it felt as though it was going to stretch on forever. The sky overhead was cloudless and there was no protection at all from the sun, which was merciless.

And so, it was with much relief when Maud stopped and pointed at a wooden sign announcing that the Everfree River was just ahead and that campsites were available. The pair turned right, taking the narrow dirt road that would take them to the campground.

The campground was deserted. There were no wagons, no ponies, no sign of anypony having been there recently. There was a small cabin that had three walls and was open on one side. Inside the cabin was a map of the area carved upon a large sheet of wood. There were a few hammocks hanging from some of the trees. There was a pump for water and several fire pits just waiting for a fire. The campground was well shaded and a cooling breeze blew up from the river.

“I plan to go for a dunk in the river,” Tarnish said, eyeing the trail that led down to the water. “I’ll help you get the wagon sorted out first, don’t worry.”

“I can’t wait to be in the water,” Maud said in a low, almost weary sounding deadpan.

Maud came to a stop near one of the fire pits, the one closest to the wooden cabin and the pump. Reaching back with her hind hoof, she kicked the brake for the front wheels while Tarnish pulled the lever that locked all four wheels. Maud, well practiced, slipped out of her harness and tack without any trouble. Then, she was off, and Tarnish hurried along behind her.

Maud didn’t even bother taking off her frock. She slipped into the cool water and vanished for a moment, diving beneath the surface. She came up for air a moment later, just as Tarnish was taking off his pith helmet and his saddlebags.

“The river is full of rocks,” Maud announced as Tarnish dove in.

Maud began to slip out of her wet frock. Moving to belly deep water, she gave her frock a good rinse and then slapped it down on a large rock protruding from the water so it could dry. Having accomplished this, Maud slipped away from the sunny patch and retreated to a shady spot where a cottonwood tree leaned over the river.

She sat down in the belly deep water, heaved a sigh, and watched as Tarnish swam around out in the deeper water. This felt so good, it was almost indescribable. The riverbank had an endless number of well worn stones, smooth, slippery stones. The water had a surprising clarity for moving river water. Maud peered down into the water and saw little glittering bits moving among the rocks. This river had gold in it.

Squinting, Maud watched as Tarnish pulled himself up onto a large rock sticking up out of the river. She watched as the water ran down his sides, soaking the rock, leaving behind dark streaks. She watched with growing interest as he lay down upon the rock, and then, feeling a bit too warm even though she was sitting in cool water, she watched with even more growing interest as Tarnish rolled over onto his back to sun his belly. His chocolate brown pelt was as dark as black coffee from being wet, his cream coloured mane and his tail were plastered to the rock he was sprawled out upon. Maud felt her heart thudding against her ribs. He might have been rather plain looking, as far as ponies go, but Maud liked plain looking.

Seeing him sprawled out, Maud realised that Tarnish had filled out and grown a bit since they had first met. His legs were a little longer, as was his neck. He had been a bit too thin upon his arrival at the farmhouse, too many ribs were showing, so much so that Maud’s mother had complained about the issue and kept feeding Tarnish fudge in an attempt to fatten him up a bit.

Perhaps the best thing about him was his smile, something that Maud saw more and more of. Tarnish had his sad moments, his darker moments, but his smile, like the one that he had right now, made Maud happy to see.

There was a big difference in the Tarnish she saw now compared to the first time she had seen him. Maud felt a moment of intense anger at the memory of Tarnish dangling from a noose. She felt every muscle in her body tighten from the thought. She had approached, not knowing if he was dead or alive, feeling rather fearful. Upon investigating, Maud had heard raspy, strained breathing. The noose had not been tied very well and it had cinched around the base of Tarnish’s jaw, not his neck, an incredible stroke of luck. His face had been covered in lumps and cuts. One eye had almost been swollen shut.

It had been quite a challenge cutting him down and trying not to cause further harm to his broken leg. Maud felt a growing emotion in her that she could not identify… and she didn’t like it. If things had played out a little differently, if the noose had been tied a little better, if the noose had settled around Tarnish’s neck rather than his jaw, Maud realised that she would have stayed lonely. That she would not be as happy as she was right now.

Maud rose and began moving through the water. She hit the deep water, started swimming, and went over to the rock were Tarnish was sunning himself. Reaching up, Maud grabbed him by both of his rear legs and pulled him down into the water with her. Standing up on her hind hooves, she was just able to keep her head cleared above the water as she squeezed Tarnish as hard as she dared.

“Maud?”

Maud was not able to reply. She pressed her face against the side of Tarnish’s cheek, feeling the angle of his jawbone against her nose. She felt his forelegs slip around her. She took a deep breath and could not face the idea of a future without Tarnish.

“Maud, is something wrong?”

“Yes,” Maud managed to gasp. The emotion was now overwhelming, at no point in her life had she ever felt quite like this. It was like a physical pain down in her guts. “Just let me hold you.”

“Okay.”

Maud could feel the river water flowing around her, tugging at her tail, and she had to scrabble a few times to keep her balance upon the slippery stones beneath her hind hooves, all while holding Tarnish so she could feel his heart beating through his ribs.

“Maud, you’re shaking, what’s wrong?”

“I saw a future without you in it…”

It was far too hot to cook anything. Tarnish, using his magic, spread Nutty-Butter over several pieces of bread, his thoughts heavy in his mind. Nutty-Butter, the jar claimed, was made up of twelve different nuts and delivered a satisfying, crunchy treat like no other nut butter spread. Having applied the Nutty-Butter, he began spreading grape jelly on his sandwiches, but left Maud’s sandwiches plain. She didn’t care for the far too sweet grape jelly, but the Nutty-Butter was salty without being too sweet.

He added the top slice of bread, whole wheat, to the sandwiches and then set the plate down on the blanket spread over the ground. He looked at Maud, trying to read her expression, and found that he could not. He took a more direct approach.

“You okay?” He leaned forwards, looking into Maud’s eyes, looking for something, anything that might tell him how she was feeling. “I’m worried about you.”

“I don’t know what came over me,” Maud replied. She looked down at the plate of sandwiches, grabbed one with her hoof, and began to eat it, her first bite tearing off a whole quarter. She chewed, smacking her lips together, and her eyes remained locked upon Tarnish, unable to stop staring at him.

“I know who came over me,” Tarnish said in a low, flirty whisper, hoping to make Maud feel better. He picked up a sandwich and stared at the grape jelly oozing from the edge.

“Tarnish, feeling you, touching you, knowing that I had you, it was like a relief.”

“So that was like a relief orgasm?” Tarnish asked, becoming serious.

Maud shrugged and tore off another bite of sandwich. She chewed for a bit, swallowed, then replied, “I don’t know. But it was different for me this time. I could feel you, I could hold you… I was just glad to have you against me. I found you hung, Tarnish, left to die on a tree.”

“I’m here because of you.” Bowing his head down, Tarnish licked grape jelly from the edge of his sandwich. He didn’t know what to say; Maud was distressed, that much was obvious, but he didn’t know what to do.

The pair ate in silence. Maud finished off her sandwich first and then began to work on a second one, her eyes never leaving Tarnish. Tarnish took a few nibbles of his sandwich and then cracked open a bottle of Luna~Cola, the only sensible thing to drink with Nutty-Butter and grape jelly sandwiches. A little bit of magic made it ice cold and using a bottle opener with his telekinesis popped the top off.

As Tarnish began to eat his second sandwich and Maud was working on her third, a quiet voice said, “Hello.” Tarnish turned his head. A short distance away sat a filly and beside her sat a griffon. Griffoness? Tarnish didn’t know what the feminine term for griffon was. He had never even seen a griffon other than in a few movies.

“My name is Garnet Targe and this is my sister, Rowanne.”

Tarnish swallowed. “Hello.” He glanced at Maud and saw that she was still chewing and peering at the their visitors through half open, somewhat sleepy looking eyes. He could hear the filly’s stomach growling.

“Would the two of you like a sandwich?” Tarnish asked, his eyebrow raising.

“Rowanne can catch fish in the river, but I’d love a sandwich, if you don’t mind.” The filly crept forward, glancing around, taking timid steps towards Tarnish and Maud.

Glancing down, Tarnish checked his amulet, saw that it was blue, and felt relieved. He cracked open another bottle of Princess Pop and pushed the plate full of sandwiches closer to the filly, who stood at the edge of the blanket. “My name is Tarnished Teapot. This is Maud Pie.” He set the soda down near the plate and was relieved when it didn’t spill. He went to work cracking open another.

Garnet glanced at the pith helmet lying on the edge of the blanket. “Are you adventurers?”

“Yes,” Maud replied before Tarnish had a chance to answer.

“Rowanne and I are adventuring.” Garnet picked up a sandwich and tore into it.

Tarnish wanted to say something about how young he and Maud’s guests were, but remained silent. He watched as the filly ate and the griffon drank some soda pop, pouring it down her beak.

“If you tell us about your adventures, we’ll share our camp with you tonight,” Maud said to Garnet, glancing at Tarnish as she spoke.

“We still have marshmallows… I think… Maud doesn’t eat them.” Tarnish grinned at the filly. “I can make more sandwiches.” Tarnish saw the filly turn, look at the griffon, and then the griffon nodded.

“We’d like to stay. We’ve been on the road for a long time… not all ponies are so nice.” Garnet, still looking very timid, smiled, and then, with her mouth full, said, “Rowanne keeps me safe. We ran away together because they wanted to send Rowanne off to some other place just for little griffons and we didn’t want to be separated.”

Tarnish raised his eyebrow and looked at the filly. “I see… that was very brave of you.”

“Thank you for the sandwiches!” Garnet said to Tarnish as she watched Rowanne slinking away, heading down the trail that lead to the river. She waved at the griffon. “Good luck catching fish!”

“She doesn’t talk much, does she?” Tarnish asked.

“Nope,” Garnet replied.

“You’ll have to tell us more about your adventures.”

“Okay.”

Author's Note

In this chapter, we get a rare glimpse inside of Maud's head.

Go where thou wilts

Tarnish awoke to giggling. He lifted his head, emerging from beneath the blanket he was wrapped in. Maud was nowhere to be seen. He blinked, yawned, and wondered where Maud was. He suspected that she might be down by the river. The dawn was humid and birds were chirping.

Wrapped in a spare blanket, Rowanne and Garnet were giggling together. Tarnish wondered what was so funny. He stretched out his bad leg; it ached a little, but didn’t feel too bad. He flexed his fetlock, yawned, and then rolled out from beneath the blanket so he could stand.

Turning, he saw Maud coming up the path from the river. She was carrying a bucket full of water. Feeling a bit of worry, Tarnish looked down at his amulet. It was still blue, but it was a somewhat darker shade of blue. Nothing to freak out over, but it was cause for concern. He had cold tea ready, but wanted a hot cup of tea. He decided that he could wait just a bit.

Maud set the steel bucket down at the edge of the fire. Using her teeth and her hoof, she poured some of the water into a large cast iron pot that was sitting on the coals of the fire. The water, poured into a hot cast iron pot, hissed and sizzled, coming to a boil right away, but then the boil died as more water was added. A plume of steam rose from the pot.

“What’s for breakfast?” Garnet asked.

“Oatmeal and dehydrated fruit,” Maud replied.

“Oooh, yummy.” Garnet popped out of the blanket and stood beside the fire. “Thank you for everything, by the way.”

“Excuse me,” Tarnish said as he headed off for some bushes on the edge of the camp.

Maud watched him go. The area was safe enough. After Tarnish was some distance away, she turned to look at the filly standing near the fire. “You know, my sister left home at an early age to find her way in the world. She roamed the roads for a while, not sure what it was that she wanted. The roads are a dangerous place.”

“They can be. Rowanne keeps me safe.” Garnet looked at the griffon, who happened to be crawling out from the blanket as she spoke. “But sometimes, we run into nice ponies, like you and Tarnish.”

“Well, I have a plan to have you meet some very nice ponies. My sister, Pinkie Pie, she lives in Ponyville. You can reach Ponyville if you follow the highway. If you and Rowanne want to stay together and not be separated, you need to be able to take care of yourselves.”

“How?” Garnet asked, her ears pitching forwards.

“You are going to go to Ponyville and you are going to ask Pinkie Pie to help you. She can help you get an apprenticeship with somepony. You’ll learn a trade… a job skill. Apprentices have to be given housing and food… there are laws in place for this. The Cakes were very good ponies and they took in my sister. I am positive that some nice ponies will be more than happy to take you in and give you work.” Maud watched as Rowanne headed off to the river. The fish were jumping and the griffon would have an easy time of catching breakfast, or so Maud believed. She didn’t know a thing about catching fish.

“And Pinkie Pie would help me?” Garnet peered up at Maud, her face a mixture of curiousness and cautiousness.

Maud nodded. “She can be found at Sugarcube Corner. If you ask around, somepony will help you find it.” Maud planned to have Tarnish send word ahead with his magic mirror and she made a mental note to ask him to do so later. “I plan to send you on your way with a little food to help you out. You’ve survived this long, so I’m thinking it is a safe bet that you can make it to Ponyville on your own.”

“You’ve been awfully nice… thank you. I don’t know why you would help me…” Garnet sniffled a bit and then gave Maud a brilliant, beaming smile.

“Well,” Maud replied as she sat down beside the fire. “I’ve found that helping strangers has its own rewards.” She looked over at Tarnish, who was returning to the camp. “Doing good deeds for others can be a life changing experience.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Garnet said as she sat down beside Maud.

“You be careful,” Tarnish said as he checked over the blanketed bundle strapped to Garnet’s back. Rowanne had done a pretty good job of lashing everything down. A spare blanket, some easy to prepare food that didn’t need to be cooked, and some of Tarnish’s own supply of snacks, treats, and sweets, all bundled up in the blanket. “Just stay on the road and follow it into Ponyville. If you see trouble, you run, okay?”

“Okay.” Garnet nodded and then grunted as Rowanne grabbed a section of rope and gave it a good yank to test it. The earth pony filly wheezed and her eyes bulged, until at last, the griffon let go of the rope and allowed Garnet to breathe again. “Thank you!”

“Good luck,” Maud said as she began to harness herself to the wagon.

Lifting his head high, Tarnish watched as Garnet and Rowanne took off, heading up the campsite road to meet with the main road, where they would head west, the same direction that he and Maud were going, for a while. Garnet and Rowanne however, were not slowed down by a heavy wagon, and would blaze ahead while he and Maud moved along at a slow, but steady pace.

Maud turned and looked at Tarnish. “Ready to go?”

Nodding, Tarnish hit the four wheel brake lever, unlocking it. “Did we refill our water supply?” He turned to look at Maud and saw her nod. “Well then, we are ready to go.”

“Twilight Sparkle?” Tarnish peered into his mirror, waiting for some kind of reply. It sometimes took Twilight a while to respond. He held the mirror in his telekinesis with ease now, and did so without fear. He had good grip now. His telekinesis was not fine tuned; he had trouble just popping off a bottle top and needed a bottle opener. However, he had some small degree of telekinetic strength. He could lift Maud or several large rocks with relative ease. Following the magical primer he had, his magic was getting better, albeit at a slow pace.

“Hello?”

“Twilight?” Tarnish thought that Twilight sounded a little sleepy and he worried that perhaps he had contacted her a bit too early in the day. “Twilight, I won’t keep you, but there is an adorable earth pony filly and a little griffon headed for Ponyville. I do believe they are escaped orphans. Maud and I sent them to Pinkie Pie. They need help. Some kind of apprenticeship so they can stay together. They’re sisters, you see.”

“Oh dear,” Twilight replied. “I’ll have the weather team keep an eye on the eastern roads and I’ll see that they are helped. Thanks for letting me know.”

“We gave them a little food and sent them on their way. They’re moving too… we’re on the same road and we can’t even see them anymore they’re so far ahead.” Tarnish squinted, peering off into the distance, and sure enough, the pair were gone. “Maud and I are on our way to Ghastly Gorge to see the Crack of Doom.”

“Normally, I’d tell ponies to stay away from there, but I think that you and Maud will be okay. Just be careful, that really is a dangerous place.”

“Well, that’s where we’re honeymooning… sounds like a lovely place,” Tarnish said and then started to chuckle.

“Spike, why is there so much smoke?” There was a long pause. “I’m sorry Tarnish, I gotta go! Spike has some kind of head cold or something and things keep bursting into flames when he sneezes!”

“Oh dear,” Tarnish replied. He realised that the connection was broken. “Poor Spike.”

Still holding his mirror, Tarnish thought about some other pony that he could call. He took a deep breath, felt a moment of worry for Twilight, and then said, “Pinny Lane…”

Maud stopped at a fork in the road. To the right was Saddle Lake and then Ponyville. To the left was Rambling Rock Ridge, the place where Maud had shown Tarnish her cave. The day was becoming hot to the point of being unbearable. After a moment, Maud resumed her movement, taking the left fork.

Tarnish, walking beside her, began to wonder if they should travel at night. It worked for Longhaul. All of a sudden, Tarnish found that he was hungry for walnuts. He sighed; there were none to be had. Such was life.

“Left in the sun, watching seasons come and go. Civilisations grow and then crumble. A silent witness sees all, bearing mute testimony as the eons roll on. Given enough time, a creek becomes a canyon. Through it all, rocks endure in stony silence.”

“That’s pretty,” Tarnish said.

“You really think so?” Maud asked.

“Yeah I do… you gonna write that one down?” Tarnish replied.

“I dunno. I feel that it needs fleshing out somehow. I’ve been going over it inside my head for a while now. It’s missing something.” Maud turned to look at Tarnish. “You like my poetry. I am still having trouble believing that.”

“Well, Maud, I have a secret.”

“And that is?”

“I like you. And your poetry is a part of you.”

“Sweet talker.”

Tarnish chuckled as he walked beside Maud and he gave serious thought to soaking his pith helmet. The sun, as it approached noon, was searing. It was like being back out on the alkaline flats once more, or one of his parcel runs in the areas around Dodge City Junction.

“Maud, I think we should find a shady spot to rest for a while. It’s got to be over a hundred degrees out here right now. You should probably drink as much water as you can without making yourself sick.”

“Ahead are some trees. It isn’t much, but it will be better than nothing.” Maud huffed and puffed a bit and picked up her pace, now in a hurry to reach the shade. “It’s too hot to wear my smock…”

Author's Note

I make no apologies for the pun in the title.

In which adventuring is discussed

Overhead, the stars twinkled, peeking out from behind a few clouds, and the night was cool but humid. There was more than enough starlight as well as moonlight to see by as Tarnished Teapot and Maud Pie continued down the road together.

They had parked sometime around noon, lounged around in the shade, having crawled under the wagon, slept, and waited until nightfall. Now, Maud was moving and making good time. The night, much cooler than the day, made for good traveling.

“We’ve crossed the Everfree River… if I can pull a little more than twenty five miles tonight, we should reach Rambling Rock Ridge… maybe sometime around dawn,” Maud said.

“The place where we made camp?” Tarnish replied.

Maud shook her head. “No. That’s a little farther south. But there is a northern campsite that is just off the road. It has a pump with clean water and there is a creek which may or may not have water in it. It sometimes goes dry near the end of summer.”

“Was the twelve gallon water barrel a good idea?” Tarnish looked over at Maud. “When you took me home, we seemed to do okay with a five gallon jug. And there are pumps at every campsite it seems.”

“Tarnish, there are two of us now and not every campsite has pumps. Not every place we go has a campsite. There is a very real chance we could run out of drinkable water in some of the places we go. I wanted to go with a twenty gallon barrel, but one hundred and sixty pounds of water was too much to haul with the rest of our equipment.”

“When you read stories about adventures, you always read about the heroes doing amazing things… braving the wilds… fighting monsters… you never read about the heroes discussing water management and how much supplies weigh.” Tarnish paused and looked at Maud as he walked. “At the last campground, why did you pull water from the river rather than the pump for our meals?”

Maud wickered and then after a long moment with no reply, she looked at Tarnish. “I like the mineral flavour of the water. You can taste the rocks.”

“Oh.” Tarnish couldn’t tell if Maud was having fun with him or not. He decided it didn’t matter. He grinned, took a step closer, and nuzzled Maud’s neck, rubbing the bridge of his nose against the soft curve of her throat.

Enjoying the feeling of Tarnish caressing her, Maud felt little tingles running up and down her spine. “I think if you read about adventurers having to look after the boring everyday stuff that makes adventuring possible, it would spoil the feeling of adventure. Ponies want to read about adventurers exploring some ruin, or finding some ancient treasure, or maybe finding some long lost tomb. That’s adventure. But the moment you read about the hero having to manage the weight of his photography equipment, the amount of food they have, how much water they have in reserve… I think the story becomes something else.”

“Like what?” Tarnish asked.

Maud shrugged. “I don’t know. Something else.”

“Heroes never have to eat. They never have to use the bathroom. They can survive on an expedition for weeks, even months, with nothing but themselves and maybe a nice hat. Like Daring Do. She goes into the jungle for months, finds what she is looking for, and she only has herself. She never carries any food or water or supplies. I never really cared about the practical side of adventuring before, I liked reading those books… but then I crossed the desert a few times… crossing the alkali flats opened my eyes. My canteen is heavy. It holds just a little over a gallon of water—”

“Ten pounds of weight,” Maud interjected.

“—and hanging it around my neck was a chore. I think Daring Do would die within the first few days of her adventures. Probably from dehydration. I mean, right now, it is nighttime, and while it is a lot cooler than the day, it has still got to be almost eighty degrees outside. I’m sweating… I can feel it trickling down my legs. My balls feel soggy. And if I kept walking like this without any water, I think I would die.” Tarnish thought back to the beginning of his adventure and his thirst. He had reached a point where drinking out of a mud puddle had seemed like a good idea. He recalled his meal of blackberries and the thorns that had pierced his lips. As he walked, his canteen, all ten pounds of it, slapped against his chest. “Maud?”

“Hmm?”

“I just had a thought. I know we have about six hundred pounds of gear… but how much does the wagon weigh?” Tarnish glanced over at Maud with his eyebrow raised.

“The wagon weighs about five hundred pounds.” Maud paused and tilted her head as she gave thought to her answer. “Solid wood construction, brass fittings, and a four by eight bed. Might weigh a little more.”

“How do you do it?”

“Tarnish, I’m an earth pony.”

“Yeah, but not every every earth pony could do this.”

“Tarnish, I am a strong earth pony.”

“That much is obvious… I just don’t see how you do it. I mean, it amazes me just watching you move… your muscles… um…”

“You like watching me. I like it when you watch me. I like it when another pony appreciates my strength.” Maud leaned forwards into her harness as the road became an incline and the pair began to go up a low grade hill. “I spent my foalhood working hard. Daddy never allowed us to give up on a task. Somehow, we had to finish. We found ways and means. We Pie sisters got strong. Even Pinkie… she might look soft and chubby, but she has immense strength.”

“This hill looks long.”

“Just keep the canteen ready. Makes it easier on me to be able to drink and not have to stop. Getting the wagon moving on a grade like this is easier said than done.” Maud slowed down a bit and began walking with a stiff legged gait, digging her hooves into the dirt road for traction.

The campsite, a place of rest funded by the Crown, turned out to be a pleasant place. There were a few lean-to cabins, a water pump, a crude stone oven, and a simple shower that could be operated with a pump. Maud and Tarnish pulled in a little after nine o’clock in the morning after a long night of travel. The incline had been a little harder on Maud than expected.

Maud kicked the brake for the front wheels while Tarnish gave the lever that locked all four wheels a good yank. Afterwards, Tarnish began to help Maud out of her harness. For all of her strength and endurance, after going over twenty five miles, a good part of it uphill, Maud was exhausted.

Feeling some worry, Tarnish watched as Maud moved with almost glacial slowness towards the creek. He followed after her, his head low, concern upon his face. The creek looked shallow; there wasn’t very much water flowing over the rocks.

Reaching the water’s edge, Tarnish helped Maud get undressed. There was no shade. He peered up at the sun as he pulled Maud’s smock off and felt a bit of worry. The water, only fetlock deep, was not enough to submerge in and get cool. Maud lay down upon the rocks and then began rolling around in the water, trying to get wet, while Tarnish pulled off his gear so he could join her.

“What do you want to eat?” Tarnish asked as he lay down upon the rocks and rolled over onto his back. “Nothing hot I bet… sandwiches?”

“Sandwiches work.”

Tarnished Teapot looked over at the now soaked pony beside him. He could see Maud’s muscles quivering, twitching, and jerking. He rolled over onto his stomach, crawled on his belly to Maud’s side, pushed Maud over, and then began to rub her legs, using his hooves to knead her flesh. He saw her eyes close as he went to work. He had no idea what he was doing, but he reasoned that it must feel pretty good. Maud had gone limp.

He worked on her hind legs first, rubbing her thighs, trying to be gentle. He tried his magic, using his telekinesis to apply pressure and massage her worn out legs. Looking down, he spied Maud’s belly button… and everything else. It was hard not to feel aroused in this situation. He placed a hoof upon her stomach, gave her a loving caress, and then realised that she was asleep. Maud was out for the count, her head resting upon the creek bed and water flowed around her ears.

He glanced down at his amulet; it was still a pleasant shade of blue. He peered up at sun, which held promise of bringing the heat. He lifted Maud in his telekinesis, struggling to lift her up. He was tired and she was heavy, not to mention soaking wet. He paused, considered his actions for a moment, and then placed her back down in the water, making certain that her muzzle was pointed upwards.

Laying her down in the dirt of the camp while she was wet would leave her muddy. Casting a final glance at Maud, Tarnish left her laying in the cool water so he could go and spread out a blanket in one of the lean-to shelters so they could rest out of the sun.

Author's Note

Do adventurers ever discuss adventuring?

In a wet bed

The shelter felt quite cool. Tarnished Teapot, feeling proud of himself, looked down at the sleepy pony he so loved. He had hung a heavy woollen blanket over the open end of the lean-to, securing it in place with some heavy rocks, and then had soaked the blanket down with water. The light breeze blew through the blanket and the water, which evapourated in the heat, cooling the air. The inside of the lean-to was dark, it was rather cool, and Tarnish figured that he and Maud would be comfortable.

Before putting Maud to bed, he had given her a good scrubbing, trying to get the crusted salty sweat out of her pelt so she wouldn’t get itchy. Throughout the entire process, Maud had remained asleep. Maud was a heavy sleeper, a pony that did in fact, sleep like a stone.

Outside, hanging from the edge of the wagon, Maud’s smock was drying. Tarnish had tried to rinse most of the salt from it. Maud understood laundering, Tarnish did not, and he made it a point to ask her what to do.

Having eaten a few sandwiches, Tarnish lay down beside Maud, rested his head close to hers, closed his eyes, thought about Cloudy Quartz telling him that he was obligated to sleep beside Maud for the rest of his days, and then drifted off to sleep.

Yawning, Maud peered through blurry, bleary eyes. She was surprised by how cool she felt. She took a look around the shelter she was in. There was a damp blanket over the open side of the lean-to. There was a gentle breeze blowing in cool, damp air. Lifting her head, she scooted closer to the sleeping unicorn beside her and kissed his cheek. The last thing that Maud remembered clearly was that Tarnish had been rubbing her legs. It had felt so good that she had closed her eyes to enjoy it.

Now a little more awake, Maud realised she felt clean, or at least clean enough. She realised that Tarnish had bathed her and had done a pretty good job. She was going to have to thank him for his attentiveness at some point. Blinking, Maud thought of several ways she could say thank you. Tarnish liked happy husband hugs. Yawning, Maud sat up, almost hitting her head on the lean-to’s low angle roof.

Poking her head outside, Maud saw that it was late afternoon and the sun was starting to settle just behind the trees up on the ridge. Light shade was starting to creep over the camp. Maud slipped out of the shelter, the moistened blanket brushing up against her side and leaving behind a cool dampness.

Maud went to the pump, stood up on her hind legs, and began pumping. The water gushed out with a faint scent of minerals. She dropped down on all fours and placed her head under the cool water. She felt it run down into her ears, down her neck, plastering her mane to to her head and body. She saw her smock hanging on the side of the wagon.

Going over to the wagon, Maud began to do an inspection. The wheels looked good, the brakes all seemed to be fine, and the bed of the wagon all looked okay. The load was well distributed. She tapped the water barrel with her hoof and found it full. Tarnish had been busy before going to sleep. Her smock looked as though most of the crusted salt had been rinsed out of it.

Maud lifted up her dripping head and yawned once more.

“I can fix you something to eat.”

Looking over at the shelter, Maud saw Tarnish peering out at her. She felt her heart skip a beat. Something about Tarnish was appealing when he looked sleepy and out of sorts. Maud tossed her head back, whipping her wet mane away from her face, unaware of what her wet body was doing to Tarnish.

“I don’t know that I want sandwiches, but I don’t want anything hot,” Maud said.

“Well, there are cans of baked beans. We could grab a spoon and eat those cold,” Tarnish replied.

“That sounds really good.” Maud noticed that Tarnish was staring at her. Not his usual adoring stare where he watched her, this was a hungry, almost predatory stare. Maud felt an almost unbearable hot flush begin creeping down her neck. It was too hot to be hot and flustered. Maud raised her eyebrow and eyed her husband. “You’re staring again.”

“Something about those damp curls and the way they stick to your neck…”

“Don’t get too distracted Tarnish, I’m starving… I’m going to have to sort you out later. You did a nice thing, putting me to bed. Thank you.”

“Well, you pulled that wagon up the grade and you were exhausted.”

“I’ll admit, that took a lot out of me. More than I thought it would. I’m sore and stiff all over. We might just stay here tonight. I don’t know.”

Maud watched as Tarnish climbed up into the wagon, opened up the food trunk, and then began to rummage around. There was a loud clunk as Tarnish moved something and Maud, looking upwards, realised that she had a pretty good view from down here. She did a little staring herself, watching as Tarnish’s backside wiggled and moved to and fro. The high temperature caused certain parts of Tarnish to dangle down in order to dissipate body heat.

“Mmm,” Maud hummed to herself.

“We have canned pineapple,” Tarnish said, unaware that Maud was watching him.

“What else is in there?” Maud asked, not wanting the show to end just yet.

“Um…” Tarnish went back to work, digging through the trunk of supplies. “There are cans of chili beans and cans of ravioli. Hey, I like canned ravioli. I didn’t know we had these. They were down at the bottom.”

“I think I’ll take a can of chili and a can of pineapple,” Maud said, still staring upwards and enjoying the show. She felt embarrassed and flustered for looking, but, it was hers to look at.

“One can of chili and one can of pineapple, coming right up,” Tarnish replied.

Digging around in the creek bed, using the light of his horn so he could see, Tarnish held aloft a rock he found. It wasn’t very big, but it sure was pretty. He levitated it up where he could see it. It was still wet and looked shiny in the light. The rock was reddish orange and was filled with odd shapes and different coloured flecks.

“I found something.” Tarnish said to Maud. He watched her turn around then, when she saw the rock he was holding up, he watched her eyes go wide.

“Porphyritic rhyolite… an amazing example too… anything red or orange is uncommon and rare.”

Sitting in the shallow water beneath the stars, Tarnish puffed out his barrel, feeling proud about his find. Maud’s wide eyed expression was a rare show of feeling. Tarnish had found something that had made Maud react. She was studying it as he held it up and her eyes were narrowed once more, almost looking sleepy.

“The things you can find in a riverbed,” Maud said in a low, tired sounding voice.

“Yeah… like wet, pretty mares that like rocks.”

“Hmm.” Maud looked Tarnish in the eye. “See that the porphyritic rhyolite goes into the sample box. It’s worth keeping and studying. I bet the crystalline structure is amazing.”

Reaching out with a wet hoof, Tarnish placed it under Maud’s chin, tilted her head up, and guided her in closer to him. He leaned his head forwards, his lips touching hers, and what he intended to be a loving peck turned into something else when he felt Maud push her muzzle against his. Maud was well soaked; her pelt was wet and cool against his. There was a powerful feeling of suction against his lips.

Maud pulled away with a wet pop. “You know Tarnish, this is a bed.”

Tarnish nodded as he flicked the porphyritic rhyolite into his pith helmet that was sitting over on dry ground with his magic. He grabbed Maud around her middle and pulled her closer. He felt himself being pushed back and he offered no resistance, falling over onto his back into the cool, clean water. Maud, her bottom half soaking wet from sitting in the creek, straddled him, half lying, half sitting upon his stomach.

“Wait, wait…” Breathless, Tarnish took Maud’s face in his hooves and looked up into her eyes. “As much as I want to do this right now… there is something else I’d like to do.”

“Are you about to ask me to do something kinky?” Maud asked.

The light of Tarnish’s horn fizzled and went out, leaving he and Maud in the dark. Tarnish’s chocolate pelt took on a purple tint that could not be seen. He wondered what Maud meant by something kinky. After several moments, Tarnish squeaked out the word, “No.”

Tarnish had thought about all sorts of kinky things he could try with Maud, but those weren’t things that you did with nice mares… unless of course the nice mare also showed an interest in being kinky. Tarnish made a mental note to ask Maud some questions later.

“Well, I’m disappointed. Perhaps we can do something kinky later.” Maud leaned her head down and touched her snoot to Tarnish’s. “What is it that you wanted?”

“I wanted to dance with you… underneath the stars. When Pinkie Pie threw that party for us after we got married… we danced and I asked you to teach me how to dance… you said that you would… we have stars. We have this beautiful night. We have each other… and I really would like to learn to dance with you.” He felt Maud gasp, a burst of warm air brushed over his lips, and he felt a spike of arousal.

“I’d like to dance with you,” Maud replied in a flat voice.

Author's Note

I make no apologies for the river bed pun.

Mud pie

Coming down a hill was no easier than going up a hill. After several days of travel, Tarnished Teapot and Maud Pie approached the lowlands. Coming down the grade, Tarnish used his magic to operate the brake lever to keep the wagon from rolling forwards and running over Maud. Normally, Maud, when alone, would have had to take a different route with switchbacks, spending several more days to travel. With Tarnish there to operate the brake however, they were able to take a more direct route.

Ahead of them stretched the lowland highway, a road that wound its way between the Froggy Bottom Bogg and the Everfree Forest. Tarnish had traveled part of this road when he had gone south from Ponyville. The temperature was cooler and there were tall trees to offer shade. The air was humid, sticky, and the reek of hot, rotten, steaming vegetation wafted on the breeze.

There was real danger here; this area was part of the wilds of Equestria. Tarnish had experienced some of the danger here, both by himself and with Longhaul. This was a place full of hostile creatures, unpredictable weather, and untold dangers.

Walking beside Maud, Tarnish kept his eyes open and alert to danger. He walked with a confident, steady gait that held only the faintest trace of a limp. His short tail bobbed along behind him, the fine hairs streaming in the gentle breeze. His pith helmet was tilted off to a rakish angle; Tarnish looked every bit the part of a well seasoned adventurer. His saddlebags were well packed, well balanced, and did not bounce much against his sides, as such a thing would become quite painful after a few miles.

Beside him, Maud walked with the practiced measured gait of a powerful draught pony used to hauling heavy loads. She leaned into her harness and kept up momentum, somehow making her task appear as though it was effortless.

As the pair walked, Tarnish unstoppered his canteen, held it aloft in his magic, lifted it to Maud’s lips, and allowed her to drink. After several days on the road, both Tarnish and Maud moved as a well practiced pair.

The dawn had happened a few hours ago and the day was getting warmer. There appeared to be no good place to pull off to camp, no campsites of any sort. If they did pull off, they would be roughing it.

“Want to keep going?” Tarnish asked.

“The ground is flat and we’re making good time,” Maud replied.

As Maud spoke, there was a distant rumble of thunder. Tarnish lifted his head high, turned to look towards the north, and noticed that dark clouds were drifting towards them. There was another clap of thunder in the distance and then an icy cold wind began to blow from the north.

“I don’t like how that looks… Tarnish, we’re in trouble,” Maud said in a flat monotone that held no trace of panic. “Tarnish, help me get the wagon secured. We’re going to have to stop right here on the road. I’ll get the wagon out of the ruts. I’ll need you to help me get the canopy on over the wagon.”

“There’s a canopy?” Tarnish asked.

“Yes.” Maud veered off to the left to a clear patch of grass on the side of the road. She looked up at the oncoming storm. The wind was picking up. “Under the wagon are several metal poles. You will find brackets on the front and the back of the wagon. Get those poles into the brackets and then connect the front and back poles with the brace pole. After that, we’ll have to throw the oilcloth over the poles and slide some securing pins in place.” As Maud came to a halt, she kicked the front brakes with her hind hoof.

Tarnish pulled the brake lever and then peered under the wagon. He found the poles secured beneath it, just as Maud had said. He pulled them out. Three poles made of solid metal, two short poles and one long pole. The two short poles had connectors at one end to secure the long brace that went from the front to the back of the wagon.

He stuffed one of the short poles in the back of the wagon, it slid down into the mounting bracket with a click. As he worked, Maud was unhitching herself. He slipped the second short pole into the front bracket, wiggled it around a bit, and then heard a click. He lifted the long pole in his telekinesis and secured it into the front pole, sliding it into the bracket, and then did the same with the rear pole. He spotted the brown oilcloth canvas rolled up on the front of the wagon. He undid the ties as Maud opened up a small metal box mounted on the front of the wagon.

He tossed the oilcloth over the main brace pole and began to pull the corners down to the sides of the wagon, tugging everything in place. The canvas formed an ‘A’ frame tent over the top of the wagon. As he got everything pulled snug, Maud began slipping brass pins into grommets located on the canvas to secure it in place.

A powerful gust of wind rocked the wagon and Tarnish turned to look at Maud. She was peering at the storm, her eyes a bit wider than usual, her sleepy expression now gone. The first raindrop hit Tarnish, it was freezing cold and soaked right through his pelt, leaving behind a dark spot. He secured the overlapping flaps at the front of the wagon to keep the rain out and then watched as Maud climbed into the back of the wagon.

Tarnish joined her and then pulled the overlapping flaps in the rear shut. He pinned them in place and said, “I didn’t know the wagon had a cover. I’ve seen those brackets before and wondered what they were for.” He heard rain falling upon the oilcloth, the first few droplets of the coming storm.

“Tarnish, this is going to get rough. If the wind gets too strong, we’ll be blown over.”

As if to emphasise Maud’s words, the wagon creaked as a gust of wind hit it.

There wasn’t much room inside the wagon under the canvas cover. Maud was sitting on top of one of the trunks and Tarnish was sitting on the floorboards in a small area between a trunk and the water barrel.

“We’ll stay dry in here. Mostly. I’ve had this happen before.” Maud looked at Tarnish in the dim light. “You made this much easier. When I’ve had to do this in the past, it took me a while to get everything set up. Thank you.”

Outside, a deluge broke loose. There was a powerful clap of thunder, strong enough that the whole wagon shook, and Tarnish started to wonder what would happen if the wagon was struck by lightning. The wagon creaked and swayed as the wind hit it. Maud unrolled a blanket and began to spread it out beneath her. She then slipped off her smock, laid down on the blanket and then gave Tarnish a sleepy stare.

“I can think of a way to pass the time,” Maud said in a husky deadpan.

“Hmm… it might not be the wind that rocks the wagon over,” Tarnish replied.

“That’s the idea.” Maud patted the blanket beside her. “Come here…”

Tarnish opened the rear flaps and stuck his head out of the back of the wagon. The air around him was almost soupy from the humidity. The grassy area at the side of the road was flooded and the wagon had sank down several inches into the loose, muddy earth. Had he jumped out, he would have ended up fetlock deep or deeper in mud.

“Maud, it’s muddy… really muddy.”

“I need to pee.”

“Maud, if you jump down, you’re going to be covered in mud and if you try to get back into the wagon, you will get mud everywhere,” Tarnish said as he had himself a look around. Tree branches were everywhere. Hailstones were strewn about.

“Move over… I’m peeing off of the back of the wagon. Don’t let me fall,” Maud said as she shoved Tarnish over and stuck her head out of the back of the wagon. “It’s going to be miserable trying to pull the wagon out of the mud.”

Tarnish watched as Maud turned herself around. Being a gentlepony, he extended his good leg to give Maud something to hold on to. He felt her fetlock hook around his own. The sweltering air inside of the wagon felt like a sauna.

“We’re going to be stuck here for a while. I say that we settle in and get some sleep if we can.” Maud let out a sigh of relief and then continued. “We should get something to eat, settle in, get some sleep, and then when we wake up in the late afternoon, we’ll need to pull out of this mess. The road is going to be awful.”

“I guess it will be slow going,” Tarnish said.

“If we can go at all. This wagon is heavy and if the road is too muddy, we’ll be stuck here for a few days while everything dries out.” Maud shook her backside, giving it a wiggle, and then pulled herself inside the wagon. “This could be miserable.”

“At least we’re together.” Tarnish grinned. “I think I’ll crack open a bottle of soda.”

“As hot as it is, I really want a bowl of oatmeal. Do you think you can boil water with your magic?” Maud asked.

“I think so,” Tarnish replied. He looked at Maud. “I need the practice. The book says day to day practice is important. Oatmeal does sound kinda good.”

“Good. Fix us some oatmeal and I’ll give you happy husband hugs while we go to sleep,” Maud offered.

“You have a deal.”

Author's Note

If this wagon is rockin' don't come a knockin'.

Slipping in and sliding out of the mud hole

“It looks like we’re sinking,” Maud Pie said in an unconcerned, bored sounding deadpan. She turned her head around to look at Tarnish for a moment and then she looked out of the back of the wagon. “There is a slope over there. All the water is running downhill and flooding the area where we are parked.”

“So, if we leave the wagon here, we’ll sink down so far that we’ll never get out?” Tarnished Teapot asked. He blinked a few times, feeling a bit of a worry, and then joined Maud at the back of the wagon. He stared down at the ground. “We weren’t almost up to our axles when we started eating a little while ago.”

“We’re in trouble,” Maud said.

“We haven’t even slept after going all night.” Tarnish looked down at the swampy, soupy ground. “Do you think you can pull us out?”

“I don’t know,” Maud replied. “We might have to unpack the wagon.”

“Where do we put everything so it doesn’t get wet and muddy?” Tarnish stared at the wheels. For one troubling moment, he believed that he could see the wagon sinking further into the mud. “You and I are adding a few hundred pounds to the wagon, so maybe we’re making it worse. If we got out, it might stop sinking and maybe we could pull it out.”

“Maybe.” Maud shrugged. Saying nothing, she lept from the back end of the wagon and landed with a splat in the mud. In moments, she sank in up to her hocks. “Hmm.”

“Maud, you’re naked.”

“Tarnish, you are very observant.”

“I worry about you getting sunburned.”

“Not only are you observant, but you really love me and think of my needs.” Maud paused and looked around. “The mud is cold and refreshing. I like this.”

“Cold?” Tarnish looked down at the ground. He was sweating and he felt a curious urge to jump. Cold mud didn’t sound too terrible; on the other hoof, he didn’t want to get covered in mud. Maud was already trying to walk around and the mud made lewd slurping noises as she stomped around the squishy ground. Cringing, he lept from the wagon.

There was a loud, sexual sounding squelch. Tarnish, already cringing, thought about what he and Maud had been doing just before breakfast. It was impossible not to think about it. It took real effort to force his eyes open. Just as he was opening his eyes, something cold splattered into his face, hitting his muzzle. He stood there in shock, blinking, staring at Maud, who had one muddy hoof still raised.

“I miss playing in the mud with Pinkie Pie,” Maud said.

“You chucked mud at me!” Tarnish cried.

Maud, looking bored, scooped up more mud and then flung it at Tarnish. She watched as the mud hit him in the neck and splattered down his side. “And I just did it again. Mmm, mud.”

Tarnish, not knowing what to do, just stood there. He was not about to throw mud at his wife. Something about that just seemed wrong somehow. You weren’t supposed to throw mud at fillies and you shouldn’t fling mud at your wife. As he thought about his conundrum, another glop of mud and grass struck him, this time on the ribs. It was cool upon his skin and felt rather good. Another dollop of mud hit him at the base of his jawline.

“You look so dignified standing there… so majestic.” Maud tossed another mud pie at Tarnish. “You don’t want to throw mud at a mare. You make this too easy.” Maud scooped up an enormous blob of mud and hurled it at Tarnish. On impact, it covered most of his front half in mud. “You wanted to be an earth pony… this is what we do for fun.”

Tarnish gave his head a good hard shake to fling the mud from his face. He stared at Maud, not quite knowing what to do. He scooped up some mud with his hoof, looked down at it, and then looked at Maud, his muddy eyebrow raised. A second later, more mud spattered all over his chocolate brown pelt.

When Tarnish chucked his lump of mud at Maud, he felt no guilt. He heard Maud gasp and then he heard her say, “I didn’t think you had it in you. You shouldn’t throw mud at mares, I’m going to tell your mother.” And then, a moment later, Maud slammed into him hard enough to knock him down into the mud.

Mud covered Maud was slippery and Tarnish had trouble getting a good grip on her, but that didn’t stop him from trying. He grabbed and he groped, taking advantage of this situation. For a moment, he had Maud rolled over onto her back, but then he found himself face down in the mud in retribution for his efforts. There was much confusion as he and Maud wrestled in the mud and Tarnish tried to get a good grip on the slippery, mud slathered earth pony. After one very confused moment, Tarnish realised that Maud was laying on his face. He blew a very muddy raspberry into Maud's muddy navel.

With a strange, alarmed sounding cry, Maud went shooting off, leaping through the mud. Tarnish lifted his head and looked at Maud. She was covered in mud from hoof to ear. Her mane and her tail were caked over with mud. Her eyes were wide and she stared at him. One ear was plastered to the side of her face with mud.

“Do you even know what you just did?” Maud asked.

Grinning, feeling mud dripping from his face, and looking very much like a fox in the henhouse, Tarnish nodded. He rolled over and got to his hooves, never once taking his eyes off of Maud.

“Tarnish?”

“Yeah?”

“About kinky stuff...”

Tarnish’s mud covered ears swiveled forwards. “Yeah, Maud?”

“Once I’m finally clean again, if I asked you to do something out of the ordinary, would you?”

Something about Maud’s bluntness was arousing. Tarnish began to try and shake mud from his pelt. “You mean… like…” Tarnish’s words faded away and so he stuck out his tongue and gave it a wiggle. He saw Maud’s eyes go wide for a moment. The whites of Maud’s eyes stood out in sharp contrast against the black mud and grass that covered every inch of her body. He saw Maud give a slow nod. Something about Maud seemed off. “Maud, are you scared or something? Did I do something wrong?”

“You just startled me.” As Maud relaxed, her eyes returned to their usual sleepy looking half-closed position. “Tarnish, I am very self conscious about my body. Perhaps because I wear clothing a lot. I didn’t know how to respond to you poking your nose around down there.”

“Um, did what I just did to you feel good?” Tarnish asked. He watched as Maud nodded and he heard the sound of mud splattering as some of it slid free from Maud’s face. Feeling a little awkward, Tarnish changed the subject. “Well, I think both of us are protected from sunburn.”

“I should get hitched to the wagon.” Maud, her movements almost timid, headed for the front of the wagon. “Tarnish, if you can, pull down the canopy and try to get everything stowed away while I get buckled in.”

“Sure thing, Maud,” Tarnish replied. Even with the mud around his body, Tarnish now felt too warm. He thought about where his muzzle had just been. He gave himself a good shake and tried to clear his head. These were thoughts for another time and there was work to be done now.

When Maud slammed into her harness, the whole wagon lurched forwards and there was a squishy squelch. She pulled a little to the right, then a little to the left, trying to free the wheels, and then with as much strength as she dared to use, she braced her hind legs and pushed forwards.

Behind the wagon, Tarnish, working with a long sapling that was now a makeshift pole, took advantage of his telekinesis and basic leverage. He couldn’t lift the whole wagon, but he could use leverage. He speared his pole down deep into the mud, pressed it against the back of the wagon, and shoved forwards on the top of the pole as Maud heaved. The force of his efforts made his horn ache and blue sparks arced from the tip.

The two mud covered ponies strained to get the wagon moving. With a loud slurp, the wagon lurched forwards several inches, the narrow wheels slicing through the mud. Every muscle in Maud’s body was now rock hard and would have stood out in sharp contrast, but was hidden beneath a layer of mud. Maud’s white, square teeth were visible as she grunted and strained.

Tarnish repositioned his pole, sliding the bottom beneath the wagon and then pushing forward on the top end. The rear wheels lifted out of the mud a bit, the wagon sliding upwards along the angle of the pole. Maud tugged the wagon forwards and the wagon slid down the pole, the rear wheels sinking down into the mud. Tarnish repositioned the pole once more and made ready to apply leverage once again.

The wagon was moving now. They had momentum. Maud was getting it closer to the road. The road was muddy with deep wagon wheel ruts, but the ruts were hard packed and only had a few inches of mud; Tarnish had checked. If they could get the wagon back onto the road and into the ruts, they would be fine, or so Maud had said. Fighting a few inches of mud was a lot easier than fighting mud that was almost axle deep. The wheels creaked and squeaked.

“Maud, you alright?” Tarnish asked. He heard Maud grunt and guessed that the grunt was the only reply he was going to get. He wondered how he and Maud were going to get clean. There was only so much water in the barrel. He was tired and needed sleep.

The wagon was now almost on the road. They would need to hit it at an angle, getting the wheels over the first rut, and then allowing the wagon to slip into the deep, worn down grooves created by the many wagon wheels that had rolled over this section of road.

The whole wagon shuddered when the front wheels slipped into the ruts and then the back end slipped down, scraping along the muddy sides of the grooves worn into the road. The back of the wagon shimmied and Tarnish could hear things clunking around inside.

He checked the rear wheels; the mud didn’t even come up past the outer rim of the wheel, reaching the spokes. He began trying to clean mud off from the wagon using his telekinesis, knocking mud clots from between the spokes, trying to lighten Maud’s load any possible way that he could. The wagon was moving at a good speed now that it was free to roll over the hard packed ground at the bottom of the ruts in the road.

He wondered how far Maud planned to go. Neither one of them had slept, but they had eaten. The day was hot and the rain had made everything humid. The mud was doing a good job of keeping them cool as well as protecting them from the sun, but Tarnish feared that the mud would dry out and flake away in the heat. Tarnish chucked his makeshift pole when he came to the conclusion it was no longer needed.

Slathered in mud, Tarnish fell into place beside Maud, giving her a loving sidelong glance as he walked beside her. She walked on the hump that stuck up from the road, the tall place between the ruts, and the wagon rode low behind her.

“Maud, I would have never expected for you to start a mud fight,” Tarnish said.

“I think that was the first time I ever started one. Usually, Pinkie Pie flung mud at me. Or Limestone. Marble started a few times.” Maud glanced over at Tarnish. “Once, Pinkie threw mud at Daddy.”

“What did Igneous do?” Tarnish asked.

Maud resumed looking ahead and checking the road for signs of trouble. “Daddy let Pinkie have it. He pinned her down in the mud, rolled her around until she was thoroughly muddy, and then tickled her until she begged for mercy. Mama was upset. She lectured both of them for getting muddy.”

“Yeah, your mom seems like a clean sort of pony.” Tarnish grinned at the thought of Igneous being covered in mud.

“Daddy flung mud at Mama. He got her good… and then Pinkie joined in. Mama got muddy.” Maud heaved a sigh. “I miss my parents already.”

“I’ve never been this muddy in my life… I wonder what my mother would say… she freaks out if she gets dirty.” Tarnish glanced over at Maud and watched as her mud encrusted curls bounced up and down.

“I never understood the fear of mud and dirt. I mean, we grow our food in the dirt and we eat the food. I mean, if dirt and mud are somehow bad, why do we let our food touch it?” Maud shook her head as she walked.

“Somehow, you’re still beautiful, even all covered in mud, Maud Pie.”

Under her coating of Mud, Maud experienced a full body blush.

Author's Note

That title is almost as titillating as a pile of rocks...

When life gives you rocks, make gravel

Seeing another group of ponies ahead, Maud stopped. Still covered in mud and grass, both Maud Pie and Tarnished Teapot were quite a sight. Ahead there was a wagon, a smaller two wheeled cart and what appeared to be a family of ponies.

“The road is washed out,” a pegasus mare said as she pointed. “It drops off into a ravine and the slope on the other side of the road is too steep to traverse.”

“Hello,” an earth pony said in a baritone rumble. “My name is Quakehoof. This is my wife, Flying Grace. Our two foals are over there, Storm Blitz and Bright Hope.”

“My name is Maud Pie… this is my husband, Tarnished Teapot.” Maud looked at the washed out road. “I think we can fix that.”

A little earth pony filly darted over to her father’s legs, ducked behind them, and then peeked out. “You’re muddy.”

“Hope!” Flying Grace said, looking mortified.

“We um, kinda fell down into the mud trying to get the wagon out. It was sunk in up to its axles.” Tarnish gave his new acquaintances a sheepish grin and then, feeling worried, he looked down at his amulet. He heaved a sigh of relief when he saw a flash of blue.

“Do you have an idea to pass this?” Quakehoof asked. “We were thinking about abandoning our wagon and just walking across.”

“We’re going to need some big rocks,” Maud replied.

“Rocks?” Quakehoof looked puzzled.

“Rocks.” Maud blinked and twitched her ears, causing some dried mud to crumble and fall away. “We push in some big boulders and then I can smash them into gravel. We can fill in the washout. Should be crossable with a wagon. When it rains again, since this seems to be a drainage area, the gravel will allow the water to flow down into the ravine.”

“And if Quakehoof was a little bit smarter, he might of thought of that, instead of thinking of abandoning the wagon.” Flying Grace rose into a hover and glared down at her husband, her forelegs folded over her barrel.

“I can punch a rock into gravel.” Quakehoof ignored his wife’s stare. The big earth pony began to look around for rocks.

Tarnished Teapot locked the brake lever for the wagon while Maud began to unhitch herself from her harness. He didn’t know what to do to help so he began to look around for suitable rocks.

“Are you a mudicorn?”

Tarnish froze in place and then he gave a slow turn of his head to look at the curious little filly staring up at him. His eyes darted over to Flying Grace. She had zoomed off to look for rocks. Tarnish began to realise that he had been left with two foals, both of which were looking up at him with wide, curious eyes.

“Hi.” Tarnish said, suddenly feeling nervous without knowing why. He looked down at the two foals, his eyebrows raised. One little earth pony filly and one little pegasus colt.

“This is my brother, Storm Blitz. He smells.”

The pegasus colt fluttered his wings but said nothing. Tarnish looked around, hoping for some advice on what to do, but he was alone. Everypony had gone off, leaving him alone with what appeared to be two yearlings. He wasn’t sure. They were tiny, little things.

“We’re moving to some new place,” Bright Hope said.

“We’re always moving to some new place.” Storm Blitz scowled.

“I like moving to new places.” Bright Hope smiled. The cheerful filly was very much the opposite of her brother. “Can you do magic?”

“I’m not very good at it,” Tarnish replied. He had no idea how to make conversation at this moment. Garnet and Rowanne were little as well, but not this little. Tarnish looked around, feeling afraid of danger, not quite knowing how to protect something as small and as vulnerable as two yearlings out in the wilds.

He heard the flapping of wings and looked up. He saw Flying Grace whizzing through the air, pushing a cloud. She stopped overhead, smiled down at him, and then gave the cloud a good kick. It started raining, causing both Bright Hope and Storm Blitz to run away, squealing about getting wet and muddy.

“There there, it’s not so bad. It’s an earth pony thing… they like rolling around in the mud. She got you, didn’t she? This is just something that they do… Quakehoof has flung mud at me a few times,” Flying Grace said as the raincloud sluiced the mud off of Tarnish.

The water felt cool and refreshing. Tarnish found that he was grateful for the shower. The deluge was leaving him quite clean. Traveling with a pegasus must be nice. He closed his eyes and allowed the downpour to rinse the mud from his eyelids.

“The last time that Quakehoof got me muddy, I had Bright Hope.” Flying Grace heaved a sigh. “That was a lot of fun…”

Tarnish felt his ears burning. He tried not to think about how delightfully slippery Maud had been. How she had wiggled free when he had tried to grab her. It had been a lot of fun trying to hold on to Maud while she was slick with mud… and it could be a whole lot of fun trying to hold on to Maud while… Tarnish gulped and banished the thoughts from his mind before something embarrassing happened.

Opening his eyes, Tarnish could see two earth ponies rolling a large boulder back to the place where the road had washed out. Tarnish began to study the land around him. The road dipped in this place as it wound its way along the slope. One side of the road sloped upwards on a steep bank, the other side of the road dropped away into a ravine. Looking down, Tarnish could see flat ground about fifty feet or so down. He realised that Froggy Bottom Bogg was just the place where all the water that drained went to. Looking up, he saw tall, rolling hills and in the distance, he could see the black trees of the Everfree.

“Well, since you rolled around in the mud with your wife, are you expecting anything cute, small, and fuzzy?” Flying Grace asked, snapping Tarnish from his thoughts.

Tarnish let out a startled yelp and then looked up at the pegasus. He shook his head, making an emphatic ‘no.’ Drenched, dripping, Tarnish felt an odd cold chill course through his body.

“Well why not?” Flying Grace, hovered with her forelegs akimbo, looking down at Tarnish. “You have them young… as young as you can… so that way, when they grow up a little, you are still young enough to have fun with them and play with them. I mean, who wants to hang out with an old pony… sheesh. Unicorns… no common sense at all.” The pegasus rolled her eyes.

Tarnish stared upwards with pleading eyes, hoping this would end.

“How old are you?” the nosy pegasus asked.

“Ma’am, I’m sixteen.”

“Ma’am?” Flying grace looked around, her head whipping about. “Funny, I don’t see my mother anywhere…” She looked down at Tarnish. “You’re a tall one. I thought you were in your twenties. Sixteen and already married. Hmm.”

Flustered, stammering, Tarnish tried to say something and couldn’t. He saw Flying Grace’s expression soften. She kicked the cloud again to get a bit more rain out of it.

“Earth ponies make good mates. Quakehoof was ready to settle down at a young age and so was I. Other pegasi were a bit too flighty. Reckless youth and all that. But Quakehoof gave me a promise that he could be good to me.” Flying Grace turned to look at the two earth ponies pushing the boulder. “He has been good to me. No doubt, she’ll be good to you, if you are good to her right back.”

“I love her so much that it drives me crazy sometimes,” Tarnish said, his voice now squeaky and coltish. He watched as Bright Hope chased after her brother, Storm Blitz. “I would follow her anywhere she went.”

“Quakehoof has a bad case of wanderlust as well. A lot of earth ponies do. He goes wherever he is needed, doing odd jobs, going wherever fate takes him. Most of the time, we hit the road and we don’t even have a plan. We just go.” Flying Grace watched her husband’s muscles ripple and she grinned. “There’s still a lot of mud around. I wonder if Quake wants another foal.”

Tarnish blinked and said nothing.

“Do you think you could foalsit for me?” The pegasus looked down at Tarnish and grinned a manic grin.

“You put your hoof right here, and I’ll put my hoof right here, and on the count of three, we both punch it. The boulder should shatter,” Maud said as she tapped with her hoof on one of the two weak points.

“Okay.” Quakehoof stomped on the ground a few times, getting warmed up for his task. He then stood near the boulder, raised a front hoof, and got ready.

It had taken several minutes of tap-tap-tapping upon the boulder before finding the schism point that ran through the rock. Most rocks had one, but not all. Some weak place that could be struck, breaking the rock and turning it into smaller, more manageable pieces.

Maud studied the earth pony beside her. He was, she supposed, a bit like her. He had a sense for stone. She stood ready, flexing her right front foreleg, and taking deep breaths. This was only the first of many boulders they would need today. Maud, fighting fatigue, banished away all thoughts of sleep. She took another deep breath.

“One… two… three.” Maud slammed down, striking the rock with terrific power and control. It was like anything else she did in life. Her fine sense of control allowed her to touch Tarnish and not break him, even during more intimate moments when it felt as though her control was slipping. Maud’s life was all about control; holding back all of her strength and power.

Quakehoof also struck. The rock, slammed with titanic amounts of force, and only being a rock, shattered upon the dual impacts, forming a pile of gravel. The gravel filled some of the area of the washout, but it was not enough. More gravel would be needed. Little wisps of smoke curled upwards from the gravel, a subtle sign of the energy that had been released.

“We need another boulder,” Maud said in a flat, tired sounding monotone.

“Indeed,” Quakehoof replied.

Tarnish had trouble believing what he was seeing. The washout, which had seemed so bad, now seemed crossable. The gravel formed a flat enough surface for a wagon. He heard a gasp from Maud, turned his head, and saw that Maud was getting a raincloud shower from Flying Grace.

“And then Daddy was like POW!” Bright Hope punched a piece of rock. Nothing happened. Disappointed, the foal stood there, her lower lip protruding, upset that she couldn’t punch a piece of gravel into an even smaller piece of gravel.

“Well, this is as good of a place as any to set up camp,” Flying Grace said in a cheerful, chipper voice. “Our new friends look tired. I think we could all use some rest.” The pegasus gave the cloud she was hovering near a good kick.

“Everything is wet… where do we sleep?” Quakehoof asked.

Flying Grace shrugged.

“Down the road a ways, there is a campsite I think. Should be about a mile or so west. I remember seeing it the last time I was through here.” Quakehoof looked over at his colt, who was chasing bugs. “Might still be a little damp though.”

“I could go for a little sleep,” Tarnish said.

“Let’s see if all of our hard work was worth it.” Quakehoof looked at the gravel and then headed off to the two wheeled cart to get hitched up.

“Thank you for the shower.” Maud, drenched, her mane plastered to her face, peered upwards. “We’ll go with you to the campsite. This might be nice. But I really do need some sleep. Tarnish and I pulled an all nighter.”

“Oh, I bet you did!” Flying Grace began to titter and covered up her mouth with her hoof. She kicked the cloud away and then flew around in a circle, laughing, amused by her own joke.

Author's Note

The kindness of strangers.

If you eat his Pie, he'll get steaming mad

Saying goodbye to new friends was not an easy thing to do. After a day of rest and recovery, after a day of good times together, Tarnished Teapot and Maud Pie left behind their friends at a fork in the road. Quakehoof, Flying Grace, Bright Hope, and Storm Blitz were headed to Ponyville, following the road that Tarnish himself had once walked on his way down to Dodge City Junction.

“Maud… I have a confession to make,” Tarnish said as he walked beside Maud in the somewhat cool, but rather humid night air.

“And that is?” Maud turned to look at Tarnish. She saw worry upon his face and Maud let out a little sigh. Tarnish was adorable when he looked worried.

“Those foals… they scared me. I didn’t know how to act around them. And in the back of my mind, I’m freaking out because I know how you feel about family and I know that someday you’re going to want to have a few foals but I’m so scared out of my mind because I don’t know how to act around them or what to do with them and I just feel bad because of everything that happened when I was a foal and now I am disappointed that I am going to hurt you and I—”

“Hush.”

Tarnish, hearing Maud’s soft monotone, hushed. He looked at the earth pony beside him, hoping that somehow, she would make all of this better. Maud had a way of making things better.

“Tarnish, you had a rough foalhood. That does not mean that you will be a bad father. It just means that you don’t know what to do. You never had siblings or much contact with younger foals. So your anxiety is based upon the fact that you are dealing with the unknown.” Maud paused and something that might almost be seen as a smile appeared upon her face, if one squinted hard and used their imagination. “I think you’ll do fine. Just do what you do for me.”

Tarnish sighed, feeling better.

“We don’t need to worry about that for a while.” Maud’s somewhat curly mane bounced as she walked and her tail did much the same. “But you do realise… we are going to have to cross that bridge at some point. Pinny Lane deserves to make up for lost time and my mother has dropped not so subtle hints that she wants grandfoals. Soon. Maybe someday… but for now, we have work to do.”

“I like this… life on the road. This isn’t so bad. I’ve heard stories about how much hard work it is… but I like it.” Tarnish looked up at the stars overhead and then back at the road in front of him.

“It’s a lot nicer when you have somepony with you,” Maud said to Tarnish.

Froggy Bottom Bogg was a damp, fetid place. The road was narrow and the ruts weren’t very deep. Not much traffic came along this stretch of highway. Overhead, trees formed a canopy and hanging moss dangled down. On the other side of Froggy Bottom Bogg was the Ghastly Gorge. The highway skirted along the far southern edge of Froggy Bottom Bogg, but sections of the highway were still fairly swampy.

Tarnish was already miserable. It was humid and biting flies descended upon him and Maud in swarms. Clouds of mosquitoes filled the air. Tarnish, who had been reading his magic primer almost daily, had taken to using a static discharge spell to try to deal with the bugs, killing off hundreds at a time, but more kept coming, an endless army of biting flies and blood suckers. Maud, who had a much longer tail, whipped it around to keep flies from landing.

The air was sticky and stinky. The scent of stagnant water hung heavy in the air, along with rotting vegetation and other smells of decay. There was a breeze, but it was unpleasant. A southern wind carried with it the stench of the bog. Froggy Bottom Bogg was the place where most of the water of central Equestria drained. The ground here was primarily limestone, and the water of the bog sank down into the earth to fill an aquifer. Maud explained all of this as they traveled, reciting facts on how important this aquifer was for all of Equestria.

“Did you feel that?” Tarnish froze mid-step and looked at Maud. It would be dawn soon and they hadn’t found a suitable place to camp. Tarnish felt it again. The whole earth shook all around them. A growing sense of alarm rose up inside of Tarnish when he saw Maud unhitching herself from the wagon. “What’s going on Maud?”

“Something big. Something real big is causing these seismic shockwaves. To have this much energy traveling through the ground… you’d need something enormous,” Maud replied as she freed herself.

The ground shook again and Tarnish felt all of the hairs upon his back stand up. And then, the trembling earth shook and did not stop. In the distance, the sounds of snapping trees could be heard.

“Tarnish, I think we’re in trouble… we might lose the wagon. Let’s try to lead it away. Stay close to me,” Maud said in a voice of utter calm.

Not being a total idiot, Tarnish had long since figured out that the calmer that Maud sounded, the worse the situation was. And with the way that Maud sounded right now, this must be bad. He followed after her as she ran ahead, away from the wagon.

They rounded a bend in the road and a monstrous figure smashed through the treeline to greet them. A four headed hydra hissed, roared, bellowed, and snarled as it charged.

Not knowing what to do, Tarnish lifted up a good sized log on the side of the road and hurled it. It bonked the hydra on one of its four heads, snapping the head back and making the other three heads enraged.

The wagon was behind them, the hydra was in front of them, and Tarnish didn’t know which direction to go. If the wagon got smashed, he and Maud were going to be in a tough spot, but all of this meant surviving the hydra.

One of the heads lunged for Tarnish. The colt sidestepped and could see sharp teeth scant inches out of his peripheral vision. Maud, standing up on two legs, hefted a boulder in her forelegs.

“Don’t you touch him,” Maud said in a calm deadpan. “I’ll kill you… this is the only warning you get.”

As Tarnish ducked away, Maud hurled her boulder at the hydra. It struck the behemoth in the neck with terrific force. One head was ripped away by the impact. The other three heads screamed in fury and agony.

And then, the severed head began to regrow. Now, the hydra had five heads. Three large heads and two smaller heads that grew larger with every moment that passed. One of the heads snapped at Tarnish once more and Tarnish was lucky to get just out of reach as the serrated teeth snapped shut just inches away from his backside.

“I warned you,” Maud said, her eyes narrow slits. “Now, you die.”

Hefting up another big rock she had found at the side of the road, Maud whirled around and then hurled it at the hydra, striking it in the base of its many necks. The hydra howled in pain as it fell back. It stumbled around trying to regain its balance, roaring in fury.

Tarnish turned around just in time to see Maud running at great speed towards the hydra. His heart lept up into his throat. He watched as the largest head shot down, maw open, and then, much to Tarnish’s horror, he watched as Maud was snapped up and swallowed whole. He watched a large lump traveling down the hydra’s neck.

Inside of Tarnish, his rage boiled. So angry that he could not even scream, Tarnish began to tremble with fury. He thought about every horrible thing that had happened in his life. He thought about his many rejections. His banishment. His magic when it was still a curse to him. His mother’s neglect. Dodge City Junction. Being beaten and hung. And now, losing Maud.

Tarnished Teapot boiled over, gritting and grinding his teeth as the hydra worked to swallow the pony that he loved more than life itself. A terrible, horrible, soul burning rage consumed the colt. For a second, Tarnish wondered if this is what dark magic felt like, because he felt something coming up from deep inside of him… something terrible.

The air filled with a keen whistling, very much like a teapot that was boiling over. It took a moment, but Tarnish realised, it was him. He was boiling over. Furious, full of rage, stiff legged, Tarnish stomped towards the hydra with murder on his mind.

One of the heads lunged down to gobble him up. Acting on reflex, Tarnish launched a jet of superheated steam, accompanied by a kaliope shriek of a steam whistle. The flesh on the face of the hydra boiled away as the powerful jet of steam struck it. The hydra jerked its head back and the other heads all began to attack.

Tarnish found that he had more than enough rage to go around. With a fearful toot that sounded like a train’s steam whistle, he released a blast of steam, cooking another hydra head. The hydra screamed in agony as it pulled all of its heads back from Tarnish, who was still boiling over. Steam curled up from his horn.

One of the hydra heads let out a startled gurgle, its eyes going wide. The other heads that had not been scalded did the same, while the steam boiled heads thrashed about. One of the heads let out a pained cry, and then the hydra’s whole body shuddered as Maud punched her way free from the inside. The massive creature crashed down to the ground as Maud emerged, covered in ichor and goo. With a gasp, the hydra died.

“Maud!” Tarnish’s rage died away with an almost deafening toot. He launched himself at Maud, slamming into her at full force, but he didn’t budge her an inch. He threw his forelegs around her and began kissing her face, not caring that she was covered in slime.

“I told you I’d kill you,” Maud said to the dead hydra in a flat deadpan. She sat down in the dirt and wrapped her forelegs around Tarnish. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine,” Tarnish replied. He looked Maud over and saw blood. Reaching down, he touched her side, just behind her ribs. “You’re bleeding.”

“The teeth snagged me a bit when he ate me,” Maud said. “It’s minor.”

“I thought I lost you.” Tarnish began sobbing as he pulled Maud as close as possible. “I thought I lost you… I saw you being swallowed.”

“I had to get inside the hydra somehow,” Maud explained, sounding calm and serene, almost as if she had just woken up from a pleasant nap. “It would have kept regrowing heads. Once I was inside, I began punching and kicking until I found its heart. Once I crushed that, it was over.”

“What were you thinking, trying to get swallowed by a hydra? You just about scared me to death! I thought I had lost you forever!” Tarnish snapped, a little of his anger coming back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t have time to explain it.” Maud pressed her lips against Tarnish’s cheek. “Forgive me. I didn’t mean to scare you… but I couldn’t bear to see you get hurt. You mean everything to me.”

Shaking, Tarnish redoubled his grip around Maud and pressed his face against her neck, not caring at all that she was covered in liquified hydra guts. He didn’t care how she smelled at this moment, which was unpleasant by any set of standards. All Tarnish cared about was that she was alive.

“When I was inside the hydra, I could have swore I heard a train,” Maud said into Tarnish’s ear.

There was no way for either Maud or Tarnish to get clean without using up most of their drinking water. Maud’s smock was ruined, there were several long tears where the hydra’s teeth had grazed her flesh. Tarnish tried to clean Maud’s wounds as best as he could, but what Maud needed was a bath.

“So that was you making choo choo noises,” Maud said as she looked at Tarnish.

“I don’t know what happened, but I think I found my special spell. I was so angry Maud, it scared me. I didn’t know that I could be that angry. At first, I thought I must be casting dark magic or something. The thought of losing you pushed me over the edge.” Tarnish looked at the water barrel. “Maud, we’re going to have to use this water to get cleaned up. I still have a mostly full canteen. You’re filthy and I can’t imagine that the digestive juices from the hydra are doing you or me any good.”

“That’s the only drinkable water we have,” Maud said, glancing over at the wagon.

“Maud, I don’t want you getting an infection.” Tarnish looked Maud in the eye. “There should be enough water for both of us to get cleaned up if we’re careful. “The cuts don’t look too bad, they’re not too deep, but they are worrisomely disgusting right now.”

“We’ll use the water.” Maud heaved a sigh and shook her head. “Hopefully we’ll find some water that isn’t too disgusting to drink.”

“We could always use the mirror to call for help,” Tarnish suggested.

“It’s not that bad just yet.” Maud considered the option. A few days of walking from Ponyville meant that they were just a few hours away as the pegasus flies. “Let’s see how we do on our own. Meanwhile, let’s get cleaned up.”

Author's Note

He's a Tarnished Teapot, tall and thin...

My unicorn runneth over.

My unicorn runneth over.

Tarnished Teapot and Maud made a dry camp in a little turn off on the side of the road, leaving the body of the hydra behind them. Very little water was left in the twelve gallon water barrel. Maud was rinsed off, but she wasn’t clean. This worried Tarnish and left him in a moody state. There was also the matter of making more tea. The flask was half full and would be empty soon with Tarnish’s regular drinking.

It was tempting to use the mirror and call for help.

Sitting on a stump in the middle of their camp, Tarnish tried to figure out how he had made steam. Now that he was a little calmer, he tried to think about his spell, what he had done to make it happen, curious if he could make enough steam to somehow reclaim as water.

Maud was inside the wagon, sleeping. Tarnish supposed that he should be inside the wagon sleeping as well. The ground was too spongy and damp here to sleep upon. This whole place was wet and soggy. The air was humid to the point of being hard to breathe. This was a miserable place full of water, but nothing drinkable.

He had been angry when he had made steam. He had been so very angry. Maud, a pony that he loved, his wife, had been swallowed by a hydra. Tarnish was aware that he had a few issues, but he hadn’t been aware that he was so full of repressed rage. Anger or passion fueled heat related magics, like making fire. Tarnish reasoned that such a thing would also work for steam. Tarnish wasn’t certain how he had condensed the water in the air. He had done it somehow, reflexive magic. So his mind knew how to do it at some level.

Closing his eyes, Tarnish began to think of white, fluffy clouds. He thought of rain clouds. He visualised them in his mind. As he did so, he tried to think of angry thoughts. He thought of Maud being eaten. His neglect. He thought of his father. He felt his magic fizzle.

Opening his eyes, he heaved a sigh, He wasn’t the most magical unicorn. Lifting his tea flask, he took a tiny sip, swallowed, and then screwed the lid on tight. Anger wasn’t going to work. Tarnish hated being angry. Closing his eyes, he settled onto his stump, trying to get comfortable.

Instead, he focused on passion. He thought about soft, puffy, fluffy rain clouds. He thought about Maud. He thought about nibbling on Maud’s ear. He thought about Maud nibbling on his ears. He thought about Maud’s little love bites on his neck, the way her flat teeth would give him a teasing, tugging pinch. He thought about dancing with Maud, slow dancing, pressed up belly to belly with one another.

The top of Tarnish’s head felt hot, as though he had his head too close to a fire. It had felt this way when he had shot off a jet of superheated steam. He didn’t want steam, he wanted clouds, he wanted water. He thought of Maud laying on her back, the way she looked when she looked up at him when he was above her and looking down, the way her mane spilled out around her head, over her pillow. He could almost imagine her forelegs around his neck, clinging to him, the sultry yet sleepy expression caused by her half opened eyes.

Tarnish felt something hot splash on the tender flesh of his nose. He grunted. “Hrrrgh!” He gritted his teeth together to keep from crying out and waking Maud. He clutched his muzzle with his forelegs, the pain on his snoot was almost unbearable.

Pulling his forelegs away, Tarnish crossed his eyes, trying to see his snoot. There was a large, bubbling blister. He had made a boiling hot raindrop. He fanned at his nose with his hoof and began to whimper. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Still cross eyed, he could see beads of water along his horn, and then, as he was watching, another drop fell down.

“Oh, fudge!” Tarnish cried as the second boiling drop hit his nasal bridge. The droplets were sliding down his horn, condensing, collecting together, and dripping down onto his face. He tilted his head forwards, angling his horn down towards the ground. A little bit of water trickled down to the ground as his movement caused the many water droplets to collide with one another.

“Well, at least I’ve figured out how to scald myself.”

Maud Pie awoke to the sounds of soft crying. She lifted her head, worried for Tarnish, and fearing that he was being hurt or was in pain. She was weary, sore, and still very, very tired. She looked about the wagon and then, after standing up, she looked around the camp. She saw Tarnish with his head over the water barrel. Maud lept from the wagon, landing with a soft thump, and went to Tarnish’s side.

When Tarnish turned to look at her, Maud couldn’t help herself, she gasped. Tarnish’s face was covered in blisters. His horn was damp. She could see his lip quivering. Confused, worried, even a little fearful, Maud shook her head. “What are you doing?”

“I can make boiling water,” Tarnish replied and then, he began to sniffle. “I’m getting better at it, but the drips, they really hurt.”

“Tarnish…” Maud sat down on the soft, spongy ground, wrapped her forelegs around Tarnish, and pulled him closer. “What have you done to yourself?”

“We needed water. I’ve managed to fill up our water barrel to almost half,” Tarnish replied as he fell limp into Maud’s embrace. “Heat magic needs passion… I’ve been thinking about hot thoughts of you for hours.”

“Hours? You’ve been doing this for hours?” Maud’s eyebrow raised as she began to examine Tarnish’s face. “I heard you crying—”

“Oh, the boiling water keeps dripping onto blisters that are already there,” Tarnish said.

Leaning her head forward, Maud kissed Tarnish on a place that was not covered in blisters. She could feel the heat coming from his horn and a wisp of steam curled up from the tip. Maud came to the odd conclusion that she had married a tea kettle. “So you’ve been thinking about my sexy, supple, slinky body for hours?”

“Sometimes slippery.”

Maud felt Tarnish relax against her. “We’ll need to figure out a safer, better way of you doing this if you plan to replenish our water this way. Tarnish, I can’t have you burning your face like this. We have enough water for now.”

“I’m exhausted.”

“I would imagine.” Maud looked at the steam rising up out of the water barrel. Tarnish had pulled the barrel out of the wagon, probably so he wouldn’t disturb her. “Tarnish, get some sleep. I’ll keep watch because we’re in a sort of dangerous place.”

“There is hot water for a bath—” Tarnish said in a voice that came out as a whine when his words trailed off into a yawn. He smacked his lips a few times and then pulled himself free from Maud’s embrace. “Make the most of it. I can get us more water.”

She watched as Tarnish hopped up into the wagon, turned around a few times, and then laid down upon the blanket she had been sleeping on. Sighing, Maud decided that a better bath was in order, being a little cleaner would be nice.

Afterwards, Maud planned to make a long entry in her journal.

Author's Note

Owie. :twilightoops:

Drip

Heaving a soft sigh, Tarnished Teapot looked down upon Maud’s sleeping form. She was sleeping on top of one of the trunks. A blanket, folded multiple times, was spread out beneath her for cushioning. She was a bit cleaner.

All day long, they had taken turns sleeping a few hours, waking the other up so the other could keep watch, going until the need for sleep was unbearable, and then exchanging positions.

Glancing around, Tarnish lept out of the wagon, hit the ground moving, and then went over to sit down upon the stump sticking up out of the ground. He sat down, looked about, and then he lifted up his magic mirror. It was late afternoon, early evening.

“Twilight Sparkle, hello?” he said, holding the mirror up near his face.

Much to Tarnish’s relief, there was an answer right away. Hearing Twilight’s voice somehow made everything better. There was something reassuring about hearing a friend’s voice after a trying, troublesome day.”

“Hey Tarnish, how have you been?” Twilight asked.

To which Tarnish replied, “Today, Maud and I had to kill a hydra.”

“Say what?” Twilight spoke with an incredulous voice.

“Well, there was this hydra, and he decided that Maud and I would make a fantastic meal. I chucked a log at him and Maud threw boulders, and then the hydra came after me and Maud had to get his attention… and then, the hydra gobbles up Maud, and I lose my mind because I just saw Maud being eaten, but as it turns out, Maud did this on purpose and had a plan, but I didn’t know this and I’ve completely lost my marbles at this point and I discovered my special spell—”

“You’ve discovered your special spell?” There was a long pause. “Wait, Tarnish, slow down, Maud was eaten? I’m confused. Tarnished Teapot, please, slow down and start from the beginning.”

Taking a deep breath, Tarnish made ready to tell Twilight everything. “Well Twilight…”

“—and so I figured out how I made steam and then I worked out how to make boiling water instead and now my face is scalded and blistered,” Tarnish said to his mirror. His ears drooped. “Making boiling water to fill the barrel is a pain.”

“Tarnish… try not to feel too stupid when I say this, but why not just condense cool water? It’s really very easy, just do what you were doing, think about fluffy clouds or whatever, and then, don’t make it boil.” Twilight’s voice was soft and patient as she spoke.

“I can do that? I thought because of my special spell that I had to—”

“Tarnish…” Twilight’s voice coming out of the mirror cut the unicorn off. “Remind me to sit down and have a long chat with you about correlation and causation. You’ve figured out how to condense water from the air. That is a very useful skill, doubly so because you’re out adventuring and you need water. But you don’t need to make it boil.”

“I don’t?” Tarnish stared off into the trees, feeling stupid. No, not stupid, but stoopid. Once again, he had done something dumb. A miserable, heavy feeling settled over Tarnish’s shoulders.

“Tarnish, the first thing you should try to do is to make a telekinetic bubble,” Twilight suggested.

“I can’t,” Tarnish replied. “Too complicated.”

“Nonsense.” Twilight’s voice coming out of the mirror was now stern, but still kind. “Just like you imagined soft, fluffy clouds, imagine picking up a foal’s rubber ball. Picture it inside of your head. In no time at all, you will have a round telekinetic bubble. Once you have a telekinetic bubble, think of soft, fluffy clouds. Think of cool, pleasant, soft, fluffy clouds. But think about them being inside of the telekinetic bubble. The water you condense will be inside of the bubble and not all over your face. If you need to condense boiling water, this is a safer way to do it. With time and practice, you’ll be able to make the bubble water-tight.”

“Do you really think I’m capable of this? I’m not very magical, as far as unicorns go.” Tarnish, feeling a bit depressed and dejected, punctuated his words with a heavy sigh.

“Tarnished Teapot, I’m going to venture a guess that you are gifted at water magics. It goes very nicely with your name and it contributes to the nature of your magical talent of survival in hostile places, which is something that poison joke excels at. You’ve already shown that you can condense water from humid air and you did it under the most trying of conditions, while boiling water was dripping down upon your face. Give yourself a little credit,” Twilight said to Tarnish, speaking in a loud, clear, commanding voice.

“I suppose I did,” Tarnish replied, now feeling a little better. A tiny ember of confidence ignited within his soul. “I guess if I can’t be magical and powerful, I can be practical and useful.”

“There ya go.” A snort came out of the mirror. “If only Trixie would learn this lesson.”

“Trixie?”

“Nevermind.” There was a long pause. “Tarnish, I would like for you to practice on your water condensation spells and then report back to me on your progress. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes, I guess… I can add it to my list of things to do,” Tarnish said, his ears splaying out sideways.

“Oooh, are you keeping lists now?” Twilight asked in an eager voice.

“Yes, actually,” Tarnish replied.

“Lists, Tarnish… lists are where real power lie. The power of organisation!”

“Are you scalding yourself again?”

Startled, Tarnish winced. Maybe he was imagining things, but something about Maud’s flat monotone sounded angry. It probably was his imagination. He shook his head, not just to say no, but to clear his thoughts.

“Maud, I, uh, was working on condensing more water. I talked with Twilight and she gave me some advice. Turns out, I can be pretty stupid sometimes. When I told my mother about it a little while ago through the mirror, she lectured me and told me that just because I do stupid things doesn’t mean I’m a dumb pony. It just means that I do stupid things and now my mother is worried about me.”

Reaching out, Maud placed her hoof beneath Tarnish’s chin and turned his face towards her. She saw water droplets along his horn, but she felt no heat. Tarnish was damp all over, but parts of him were soaked to the point of dripping.

“You’re wet,” Maud said, stating the obvious as though it was a special gift.

“I’m not very good at telekinetic bubbles and the water goes everywhere but into the barrel where I want it to go.” Tarnish stuck out his tongue, blew a raspberry, and then, he smiled at Maud. “I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong yet. But I’ll need to make a report to Twilight.”

“You can make water… that isn’t boiling?” Maud looked at Tarnish and then at the water barrel, which was almost half full once again. She peered down into the barrel, then she lifted her head, and then, Maud leaned forwards, her snoot inches from Tarnish. “I am genuinely impressed.”

Flustered, blushing, Tarnish tried to say something, but only managed to stammer, “M-M-Ma-Ma-hmm.” He could feel Maud breathing on his lips. His snoot was scalded, but his lips were still mostly okay. Angling his head, he darted forwards, closing the gap, and planted a quick peck upon Maud’s lips.

“You look a bit cleaner,” Maud said as Tarnish pulled away.

“I feel a bit cleaner,” Tarnish replied.

“You going to be ready for a long night of walking?” Maud asked.

“Yeah.” Tarnish’s head bobbed up and down. “So what are we going to do for supper? I’m starving… I mean, seriously, it feels as though my insides are going to implode. All this magic is making me hungry.”

Reaching up with her foreleg, Maud stroked Tarnish’s ear with the soft curve of her fetlock, feeling worried that she might touch an unseen scalded place and hurt him. Then, without warning, overcome with emotion, thinking about how she had almost lost Tarnish again, Maud wrapped her forelegs around him and swept him in for a crushing full body hug.

“Ugh… Ma-ugh… that’s okay, I don’t need air!” the squished unicorn wheezed.

“The world didn’t seem quite so dangerous when it was just me,” Maud said in a low, flat voice that was devoid of emotion. “There was danger on the road and I’d just deal with it and it never seemed so bad. But now I have you. And what happened earlier scared me.” Maud squeezed a little tighter, almost as if she could somehow get Tarnish inside of her, or become at one with him, he would be safe. “Do we still have bread?”

Tarnish felt Maud’s constrictive embrace ease up a little bit. He sucked in much needed air and watched the stars dancing around in his vision. “We have some bread, but we’re already running low. We don’t want it spoiling though, so if you want some sandwiches, I can fix those.”

“Sandwiches sound ideal,” Maud replied.

When the sun settled over the horizon, the air cooled a bit, the evening was balmy and a bit sticky. Frogs could be heard everywhere. As Maud and Tarnish traveled along the southern edge of Froggy Bottom Bogg, there was a distinct feeling of going downhill even though they traveled on what appeared to be a flat road.

The road itself was spongy, rather damp, the moisture causing a gunky buildup to cling to both Tarnish’s and Maud’s hooves. The scent of rotting vegetation grew stronger as they progressed, leaving the massive hydra carcass far, far behind them.

Walking through the spongy muck was taxing, it sucked at the hooves and made the wagon hard to pull. Whippoorwills cried out in the trees, bats flew overhead, and the owls were out in force, looking for a meal.

The two intrepid adventurers were making good time, even with the soft, spongy earth.

Author's Note

Coming soon... more Froggy Bottom Bogg.

Stoned

Walking along the highway that wound along the southern edge of Froggy Bottom Bog, Maud and Tarnish continued without incident on their way to the Ghastly Gorge. It was an interesting geographic region; to the south, there was desert, dry land, sand, and very little moisture. To the north, the bog itself, the place where the land sunk several hundred feet below sea level and all of the water in the area drained, forming a vast swamp.

Off in the distance, there was the Ghastly Guardians, the source of much of the water in the region. The snowpack on the mountains melted, forming hundreds of streams and rivers, all of which drained into the Ghastly Gorge, forming the Ghastly Gash, a massive canyon, all of which drained into Froggy Bottom Bogg.

As they traveled, Tarnish not only figured how out how to condense water from humid air, but he had managed to recreate his teapot steam whistle, an almost deafening sound that could range in volume from angry teapot shriek to an ear piercing train whistle. Tarnish discovered it was great for scaring the local wildlife into leaving him and Maud alone.

Seeing a sign on the side of the road, Tarnished Teapot turned his head, squinted, and gave it a read. “Ghastly Gorge: left at fork, forty miles.” He paused for a moment, standing there, listening to the sounds of the wagon wheels creaking, and then looked over at Maud as she continued. He broke into a trot to stay at her side and said, “So, two or three days and we’ll be in the gorge… and then I suppose a few more days to get wherever it is that we are going.”

“Yep.” Looking ahead, Maud saw the fork. There was another sign. The left arrow had the words ‘Ghastly Gorge’ and the right arrow had the words ‘Las Pegasus.’ Below the wooden sign was another sign that read, ‘Crossroads Campsites’ and there was a crown burned into the wood.

Seeing it, Maud made a quick decision, and that decision was, it was time to stop for the night. She slowed down a bit, easing up on her forward momentum, and took the left road. The right road had deep ruts, while the road leading to the Ghastly Gorge was almost unused.

The campsite was located just a ways down the two roads that extended from the fork. It was triangle shaped, situated almost at the fork, and could be accessed from either side. There was no water pump, but Maud was not concerned. There were raised berms with elevated wooden platforms and lean-to roofs over them.

“This place doesn’t seem too bad,” Tarnish said as Maud came to a stop. Without even looking, he gave the wagon’s brake lever a telekinetic flick, locking the four wheels into place.

It would be dawn soon, there was already light showing in the east and the moon was settling down for bed. Tarnish stood sniffing, this place smelled a bit fetid and rotten. There was a breeze blowing down from the north, blowing the foul miasma from Froggy Bottom Bogg through the camp. The camp showed signs of recent use. There was trash here that hadn’t begun to decompose and one of the fire pits looked as though something had been burned in it. There were bones in the fire pit. Tarnish couldn’t tell for certain, but it looked like rabbit bones, or perhaps some small rodent.

He watched as Maud unhitched herself from the wagon and smiled when she gave herself a shake. Tarnish took a step closer. “What do you want to do for a meal?”

Maud shrugged as she lept up onto one of the wooden platforms and sat down on the edge. She looked down at Tarnish, the breeze tugging at both her mane and her ears. “It isn’t too warm, we could cook something.”

“There’s a raspberry thicket over there… I think I’m in the mood for fresh berries with whatever it is we fix to eat.” Tarnish eyed the berries in question; the thicket might have been planted for the campsite, but it had grown wild long ago. “How does rice and stew sound? We have the extra water and there are lots of cans of vegetable stew.”

Maud’s eyebrow raised. “I like rice. It’s plain.”

For a moment, Tarnish contemplated Maud’s love of plain things and thought about how this applied to him. He turned his head, looked at his own chocolate-brown pelt, and then looked back at Maud.

“Plain things tend to be exactly what they appear to be. What you see is what you get. When things get fancy, they also get complex. You might see them, expect something based upon what you see, and get something else entirely. This leads to disappointment and discontent, something that could have been avoided if things were left simple and uncomplicated.”

Opening his mouth to reply, Tarnish remained silent instead. He inhaled, tried to say something else after a moment of thinking, but failed in this endeavour as well. He tried several times to come up with something to say, but stood there, his mouth open, gaping like a fish.

“If you don’t close your mouth, you’ll eat a bug again and I’ll get creeped out whenever I go to kiss you,” Maud said.

Unable to sleep, Tarnish poked around the camp area, looking for interesting plants and rocks. The dawn had been spectacular, the sun rose over the trees, setting the world ablaze in a rosy glow. Not far from the camp, Tarnish found a small, grassy hillock with exposed stone on one side. It looked as though somepony had chopped away at a deposit of shale, leaving behind whatever wasn’t needed.

There were loose bits of shale that had fallen out of the hillock, and Tarnish, curious, began pulling and tugging out loosened bits of shale. A section of the hillock collapsed, spilling thin fragments of shale out on to the ground, and Tarnish studied them, curious about their shape, texture, and colour. He kicked over a pile with his hoof and by random chance, he saw something.

Looking down, he saw a fossil. The bones of a small lizard like creature could be seen in the shale. Excited, Tarnish lifted up his prize. The thin piece of shale was maybe an inch thick, about a foot long, and maybe six or seven inches wide. He held it up in the sunlight and admired his find. The skeletal remains were highly visible and easy to see.

Excited, he ran back to camp.

Holding a magnifying glass in her fetlock, Maud Pie studied the fossil that Tarnish had brought her. He had brought it to her, grinning, excited, and hardly able to contain himself. Now, he was off in the brush looking for more, as there were all kinds of shale deposits around here in the bog.

Pleased that her husband had brought her a fossil, Maud had given him a kiss. It only seemed fair. She felt it was a fair exchange. She hoped that Tarnish would bring her more. She wanted to be out looking as well, but she was tired, her legs were sore, and she was already having some trouble keeping her eyes open.

Maud had no idea what sort of lizard had been trapped in the muck so long ago. It was tiny, fine boned, and by the looks of things, had been whole of body when the bog had swallowed it. None of the bones appeared broken. This was a beautiful specimen and a collector or a museum would pay a fair bit of coin for it. For Maud, it was priceless, a treasure of great value, something that Tarnish had given her. She intended to put it up with her special rocks.

Looking up at the sky, Maud noticed how high up the sun was. She was having trouble staying awake, but her rising sense of panic granted her a state of alertness that was now counteracting her drowsiness. Tarnish had been gone for several hours and had not returned.

A dreadful sense of worry gnawed at Maud’s insides. Refusing to allow panic to consume her, she lept down from the wooden platform and landed upon the soft earth. She headed off in the direction that Tarnish had left, following after where she thought he had gone.

Tarnish left behind an easy to follow trail of broken grasses, bent twigs, and other signs that were obvious, even to a pony with no real tracking ability. Maud’s ears were perked up for any sounds that she might hear. She heard birds, she heard buzzing bugs, but no sounds of Tarnish.

Maud didn’t like this at all. She picked up her pace, looking for signs of Tarnish’s passing as she plunged through the underbrush. She found another hillock of shale, this one was in a sorry state, most of what was aboveground was gone. Tarnish had been here. Maud found fresh hoofprints in the soft earth and a few pieces of shale scattered around.

“Tarnish?” Maud cleared her throat and did something she seldom did. She raised her voice. “Tarnished Teapot, where are you?”

Maud took off once more, her worry giving her speed. She found a blackberry thicket, some of the berries had been eaten and there were chocolate brown hairs in the brambles, as well as fine, long hairs that were cream-coloured. Tarnish had a very distinctive mane and Maud was quite fond of it, wishing perhaps that he might grow it just a little longer.

“Tarnish, where are you?” Maud said in a voice that was almost, but not quite, a shout. She stomped through the underbrush. Tarnish’s trail was a bit harder to spot here, there was a lot of leaf debris covering the ground. “Tarnish, I want to hear your voice, where are you?”

Not certain she was on Tarnish’s trail, Maud doubled back and went back to the last spot she was certain that he had been, returning to a place where she found a hoofprint in a muddy patch. She stared at it for a moment, and then realised that the front curve of the hoof pointed off in a different direction than she had headed.

Maud went tearing through shrubs, plowed through spider grass, and shoved her way through a thick clump of ferns. She saw a glimpse of something whitish grey, and then, much to her horror, she realised that she had found Tarnish. She walked around him to look upon his face. It was frozen in a mask of horror and pain. His stone body was unmoving, his eyes were wide and unblinking.

For a mare who loved rocks, this was a nightmare scenario. Maud let out a strangled sound, the closest she had ever come to crying, and she stood there, frozen, trying to contain her panic, trying to regain her composure, trying to reassert control over herself.

“No!” Maud gasped. She rose up on her hind legs, found her balance, her fatigue melting away as her adrenaline took over. “No!” Maud stomped forwards on two legs, wrapped her forelegs around Tarnish’s stone barrel, and with a heave, she lifted him. He was much heavier than usual, but Maud scarcely noticed.

“No, no, NO!”

Maud’s last utterance caused a group of startled birds to take wing. She wobbled, struggling to keep her balance, she was a quadruped and walking bipedally with this much weight was difficult.

“No!”

Grunting with effort, Maud hefted Tarnish around, supporting him on her shoulder, against her neck. A growing sense of horror filled her. There was no heartbeat within his ribs, no animation in the body that she so loved.

“NO!”

Angry, scowling, Maud stormed off, heading for the camp, her whole face quivering and trembling with emotions that she had no control over. So overcome with emotion, Maud could no longer hold anything in, and she let out a wordless wail of grief as she headed for the camp, not knowing what to do.

More than anything, Maud wished that she could stop shaking. She had never experienced anything like this before, this feeling of utter helplessness, and these overwhelming feelings of emotion. Her fine sense of control was gone, leaving her an emotional wreck.

She paced around the camp, not knowing what to do. Tarnish stood near the wagon. Maud, distraught, could not appreciate his fine stone features or the exquisite level of detail that the petrified statue of her husband had.

And then, Maud had an idea. She went to the wagon, rose up on her hind legs, and looked down inside the bed. She found Tarnish’s saddlebags and near them, she found the mirror. Tarnish had left it sitting in the sun before he had left so it could recharge.

Reaching out with her foreleg, she hoped that it would work for her. She squeezed its handle in her fetlock, took a deep breath, tried swallowing the large lump that made it difficult to breathe, and then cleared her throat, trying to hold back her overwhelming panic.

“Twilight Sparkle?” Maud, frightened, shook the mirror, hoping it would work. “Twilight Sparkle, are you there? This is Maud Pie.”

“Maud?” Twilight’s voice was filled with confusion.

Before Twilight could say anything else, Maud blurted out what was wrong. “I need your help… please hurry… Tarnish was petrified by a cockatrice or a basilisk… I have his statue with me in the camp!”

“Oh no!” A panicked wheeze could be heard coming out the mirror. “Hang on, I’ll be right there! It might take me a while, but I’m coming!”

“Don’t you need to know where I am?” Maud asked.

“No, I know where you are,” Twilight replied. “I’ll explain when I get there, I promise! Maud, try not to worry, Tarnish will be okay, I promise!”

“Try to hurry!” Maud’s voice, no longer a monotone, had a definite tone of fear to it. It cracked and wavered, fluctuating as Maud tried to suppress her terror. “Please fix Tarnish… I need him… I can’t bear this!”

“Hold on Maud, I’m coming and I know just what you need to make you feel better! I’ll be there as soon as I can, just hang on!” Twilight said.

Author's Note

:pinkiegasp: - Twilight, my cutie mark is vibrating!

:twilightoops: - So is mine!

When Pinkie met Maud

Locked in the terrible grip of panic, eyes wide, nostrils flared, Maud paced in a circle around Tarnish’s statue. Each breath she took was a ragged, shivering gasp. Maud paused mid step and then rubbed herself up against the stone statue’s side, longing to feel warmth and softness again. As much as Maud loved the stones in the world around her, she did not love this, not at all.

Maud’s throat was dry, parched, and her tongue clung to the roof of her mouth. She lifted Tarnish’s canteen, fumbled with it, she was shaking far too much to have any sort of dexterity, and with great effort, she managed to get the stopper off. Almost dropping it, she managed to tilt it back and get a drink. The cool water inside sloshed and then spilled out all over her muzzle. She drank deep to try and slake her thirst.

She set down the canteen on the stepboard of the wagon and then somehow managed to get the stopper stuffed back inside. Time seemed all distorted and Maud had no way of knowing how much time had passed. The sun was approaching its zenith now, but Maud had no idea how long she had been waiting.

Overhead, there was an ominous rumble, followed by a clap of thunder.

When Pinkie was set down upon the ground by Twilight Sparkle, she saw her sister Maud and right away, Pinkie felt her heart breaking. She had never seen Maud look this way before. Her sister was a mess… it looked as though Maud was about to start crying, which was impossible, because Maud didn’t cry.

Hearing Twilight folding her wings, Pinkie Pie rushed forwards, a growing lump in her throat, and threw herself at her sister, hugging Maud with everything she had in her.

“Pinkie Pie, I’m so glad to see you,” Maud said as she returned Pinkie’s hug.

“Give me a few minutes… I can undo this.” Twilight Sparkle stepped forward, confident, her horn glowing. “Maud, I’m very sorry this happened, you look awful, but try not to worry, I can fix this. I had this happen to me.”

Pinkie Pie, hearing her sister sniffle, squeezed a little tighter. Pinkie closed her eyes, this was almost unbearable. “It’s okay Maud, it’s gonna be okay, Twilight can fix anything.”

“Why does he have to have such bad luck?” Maud asked, her eyes closed, almost crushing her sister as she clung to Pinkie Pie. Any other pony might have been jellified in Maud’s embrace, but Pinkie Pie came from sturdy stock.

“I dunno Maud, I’d say he has pretty good luck, he has you after all,” Pinkie Pie replied, hoping to make her sister feel better.

“It hurts so bad inside.” Maud’s whole body shuddered as she drew in deep breaths, her sides heaving like bellows. “I can’t bear this.”

“Just hang on, Maud.” Pinkie Pie reached up and stroked the back of Maud’s head with her forelock. Pinkie Pie pulled her head away for a moment, just enough so she could angle her muzzle around and give Maud a kiss on the cheek. “It’ll all be okay.”

There was a loud crackle of magic and Pinkie Pie turned her head in time to see that Tarnish was changing colour. The greyish-white colour was changing, becoming chocolate brown, the colour of ooey-gooey chocolate frosting. She saw his blue eyes blink for a moment and he looked very confused.

“Tarnish, try not to move, just hold still if you can hear me,” Twilight instructed.

Pinkie felt Maud’s head pull away. She turned her own head and looked at Maud. She watched Maud’s ears swivel around and perk forwards. Pinkie Pie held on a little tighter to her sister. Pinkie heard a pained cry and then felt Maud’s whole body tense.

Looking over at Twilight and Tarnish, Pinkie Pie saw Twilight lift Tarnish in a bright magenta bubble of magic. Pinkie Pie let go of Maud, but this was only temporary; she extended her forelegs as Tarnish was lowered down, and then she wrapped her forelegs around both Maud and Tarnish, pulling them both close, and sandwiching Tarnish between them.

This was a private moment, and had Pinkie Pie not been a part of this family, she might have felt as though she was intruding. She closed her eyes and could hear Maud kissing Tarnish over and over again. She could feel Tarnish convulsing as he got his movement back and his legs flailed about.

“How did you know where we were?” Maud asked. She lay half draped over Tarnish, her forelegs locked around his neck and cradling his head. “Does Tarnish’s amulet have some kind of tracking spell?”

Twilight Sparkle coughed and her wings fluttered. “Um, actually, Princess Celestia wanted a tracking spell on the amulet.” Twilight looked down at the ground and then kicked at a few leaves. “I refused to do it. I acknowledged that Tarnish was maybe just a little bit dangerous, but that he had a right to his privacy—”

“Twilight had a crisis show up on the cutie mark map,” Pinkie Pie said, cutting Twilight off. “She didn’t know what it was, but she knew where it was happening. I showed up right after she was done talking to you.” Pinkie Pie went to Twilight’s side and then began rummaging around inside of Twilight’s saddlebags. She pulled out several small boxes tied with twine, balanced them upon her back, and then closed the flaps on the bags. “I packed for an emergency.”

When Tarnish coughed up more dust, Twilight lifted up a cup full of apple juice for him to drink with her magic. “Just try to stay still and drink plenty of liquids. You’re going to be dehydrated for a while—I know that I was.” Twilight glanced over at Pinkie and then her eyes fell upon Maud. Feeling relieved, Twilight noticed that Maud’s cutie mark was getting darker, and wasn’t as faded and grey as it had been when she had first arrived. Twilight had said nothing however, as she didn’t feel the need to further cause panic. She had first noticed it when Pinkie had been holding Maud, and then had seen only glimpses of it when Maud moved around or stretched her legs and her smock shifted, revealing Maud’s hips, like now, where Maud’s smock was bunched up because of how she was sprawled over Tarnish.

Pinkie Pie set the boxes on her back down on the wooden platform where Maud and Tarnish were both laying. She began to open them up, revealing a selection of treats of all kinds. She hummed to herself, her tail swishing from side to side like a metronome, keeping perfect time. As Pinkie worked, she realised that she and Maud now shared something in common. Looking up from the boxes, she looked at her sister and saw that there were no curls to be seen in Maud’s mane. Usually, with Tarnish around, there was at least one, or sometimes a cotton candy explosion of curls, depending on what Maud and Tarnish had been doing. Embarrassed, Pinkie Pie knew what curled her sister’s mane.

Unable to help herself, Maud yawned.

“Somepony is sleepy,” Pinkie Pie said in a chirpy, syrupy voice.

“Tarnish and I usually travel at night, while it is cooler… I’ve been awake for a very long time,” Maud replied.

“Well, don’t worry, Little Sis is here to take care of Big Sis… try and eat something, both of you, and then Twilight and I will stay here with you, to watch over you while you sleep.” Pinkie Pie reached out her hoof and booped Maud on the nose, and then, with a huge grin, she booped Tarnish as well.

“I thought I lost you,” Maud whispered into Tarnish’s ear.

Tarnish coughed once more and then gave Maud a nuzzle. He blinked, his eyes felt dry and scratchy. The cup of apple juice floated near his head, the straw bobbing about in the golden liquid. He stretched out his lips and wrapped them around the straw.

“I didn’t feel like I was a rock anymore.” Maud’s voice wasn’t quite its usual monotone. Something about it sounded different… almost vulnerable. It was almost imperceptible, but Maud’s voice wavered in tone and pitch now as she spoke.

Ears perked, Pinkie Pie noticed it most of all. Maud looked miserable, even worse than when Nana Pinkie or Granny Pie had died. Maud looked troubled. Pinkie Pie’s eyes darted over to Twilight and then back to Maud. She wondered if their cutie mark crisis was over, or just beginning. Maud seemed to be recovering, but Pinkie Pie had some doubts. Her Pinkie sense was screaming at her that something just didn’t feel right.

“Both of you should try to eat,” Twilight suggested.

Twilight Sparkle sighed, filling her lungs with moist, swampy air. It was a bit too warm for her liking. When she sweated, it got into her feathers and made her wings itchy. She didn’t know how pegasi put up with this sensation, it was maddening.

Turning her head, she looked at the two ponies slumbering inside of the lean-to shelter. Maud was still draped over Tarnish, and her head rested upon his neck. Just looking at them made Twilight feel warm. It was too hot and sticky outside to sleep piled together like that.

Blinking, Twilight Sparkle returned to her task. She lifted her quill and continued making notes on practical water condensation magic, filling the margins of a book with her own helpful tips, tricks, and adjustments. She planned to leave the book with Tarnish.

“Twilight?”

“What is it, Pinkie?”

“I’m scared, Twilight.”

Lifting her head, Twilight looked over at Pinkie Pie, who looked despondent while she nibbled at a cupcake. Seeing Pinkie looking so miserable made Twilight feel awful. “What’s wrong Pinkie, why are you scared?”

“Maud has changed.” Pinkie Pie heaved a sigh. “I’ve known her my whole life. She’s my big sister… but today, it was like hugging a stranger.”

For a long time, Twilight said nothing, but watched as Pinkie continued her despondent nibbling, trying to think of what to say. Twilight thought of both her brother as well as Cadance, and then, Twilight realised she knew how her friend was feeling. “Pinkie, I know how you feel.”

“You do?”

“Yes I do.” Twilight nodded.

“Really?” Pinkie Pie looked up from her cupcake.

“For a time, after my brother and Cadance were married, they both felt like strangers.” Twilight, thinking about the situation, felt the need to clarify her statement. “I’m not talking about Shining Armor acting weird because of Queen Chrysalis’ mind control or Cadance being weird because she was actually Queen Chrysalis… I mean when both of them were actually themselves again. Shining Armor changed and so did Cadance. My brother acted different, and so did my foalsitter.”

“I suppose they did,” Pinkie Pie replied as she reached up and rubbed her chin. “The day that I had to stop Maud from going after Jeff… that was the day that I started to realise that Maud had changed a teensy-weensy bit. She was going to plant him in the dirt.”

Twilight, who had heard this story, glanced over at Maud’s sleeping form. She knew what Maud was capable of, she had seen it when Maud had saved Pinkie. “Pinkie, I think love changes ponies. Shining Armor and Cadance share a bond that goes beyond friendship. They can’t just think about themselves anymore, their thoughts are always on each other, and doing what is right—doing what is best for one another.”

“Hmm.” Pinkie Pie licked some frosting from her nose and her head bobbed in agreement. She nibbled a bit more of her cupcake and then, opening her mouth, she crammed the whole thing inside of her mouth to gobble it down.

“For a time, after the wedding, it was like my brother was a stranger.” Twilight lifted a leftover cupcake out of the box and peeled away the paper. “But then, I got to know the pony that my brother had become. Not just my brother, but Cadance’s husband. And you know what?”

“What?” Pinkie asked.

“Cadance’s husband is a pretty nice pony,” Twilight replied. “It was worth it, getting to know him. He’s kinda special.” Twilight bit off half of her cupcake in one bite, smacked her lips, and chewed on her treat.

“I suppose I should spend some time getting to know Tarnish’s wife when I get the chance.” Pinkie Pie’s expression brightened and she smiled, some of her usual cheer returning. “Thanks Twilight, this time, you made everything better.”

Wait, Twilight thought to herself. She locked her eyes upon Pinkie and asked, “This time?”

Author's Note

There. Cliffhanger resolved. :pinkiehappy:

Gorge rising

The Ghastly Gorge yawned before them like a gaping maw as both Tarnished Teapot and Maud Pie came to a stop. The canyon walls formed a short ridge, but grew higher and higher the further into the canyon one went. A body of water that seemed too weak to be a river but too strong to be a stream trickled out of the canyon and flowed into Froggy Bottom Bogg.

The road forked here, one part of the road followed along the bottom of the gorge, winding along the flowing, frothing whitecaps that spilled over the many rocks. The other road went up a steep grade, following along a series of short, twisty switchbacks.

The last three days had been quiet, yet difficult days, the days following the petrification incident. Maud had said very little, but had become increasingly affectionate. Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle had traveled with them on the day following, helping out while trying to cheer up Maud.

“Maud, are you okay?” Tarnish paused and then stomped his hoof. “I know I keep asking this—and I am going to keep asking this until I get a straight, honest answer.” Tarnish looked at the two roads before them, the high road and the low road. He could not help but feel that life was being symbolic again. He heard Maud heave a sigh, followed by the jangle of tack as Maud began to unhitch herself from the wagon. “Look, I know that something is wrong.” Using his telekinesis, he locked the brake lever on the wagon, something now done without thinking, a habit.

“No Tarnish, I’m not okay,” Maud admitted. Head held low, Maud sighed once more. “I’m getting better though.”

“What do you mean?” Tarnish tilted his pith helmet back upon his head and gave Maud a good looking over, trying to find some clue, some visual indicator about her mood.

“Tarnish… when I met you, I was The Rock. A rock is a solitary, isolated thing.” Maud lifted her head and then turned her body around to look at Tarnish. “Since meeting you, I’m neither solitary nor am I isolated. It never really bothered me much before, facing danger on the road. My family was at home, in a safe place, and I felt that I could take care of whatever happened to threaten me. I was in control of everything that took place.”

“And having me around changes things?” Tarnish asked, feeling a growing curiousity.

Maud’s eyes narrowed somewhat. “Considerably.”

Now silent, Tarnish’s eyes strayed away from Maud and focused instead upon the flowing water just behind her. He listened to the sound of the water as it slapped and splashed against the rocks. Somewhere, off in the distance, an eagle screeched.

“Now I am in a position where I can’t control everything. You could get hurt. Bad things could happen to you. I find it all very troubling to deal with. You mean everything to me.” Maud paused and took a deep breath, held it, and then let it out in a slow huff that sounded as though she was deflating. “It also means that I can get hurt. I would go out on these roads without a worry or a care in the world. I would travel hoofloose and fancy free. Now I find myself worrying all the time.”

“I don’t know what to say, Maud.” Tarnish, feeling useless, decided it was time to fill the water barrel. He supposed that this was as good as of a place as any to stop. He lifted the quarter full barrel in his telekinesis and hauled it out of the back of the wagon.

“There is nothing you can say,” Maud said. “I need to grow up and accept a few things. I guess that even I can change, even though I don’t like admitting it. I have needs, just like any other pony, and I don’t like admitting that. I made a mistake, Tarnish.”

“You made a mistake?” Tarnish raised his eyebrow. The barrel was heavy.

“I think part of the problem with my solitary nature was me.” Maud closed her eyes. “I think I kept other ponies away, including my sisters and my parents. It was easier to believe that I was just weird and then go about my life. I understand that I am different, but right now… I don’t know where my nature as The Rock ends and the place where I just gave up begins.” Maud opened her eyes and looked at Tarnish, drinking him in like a thirsty pony drinks water. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot while I was pulling the wagon and walking. The past day or so has been awful and uncomfortable while I made these admissions to myself.”

“So this is what you do when you are quiet… you… figure all of this stuff out and… I don’t even know what to say or how to finish that sentence.” Tarnish walked closer to Maud, the fine gravel scattered over the road crunching beneath his hooves. He set the water barrel down upon the small, round stones beside the flowing rapids. He took off his pith helmet and tossed it into the wagon.

“Please don’t say that you feel stupid.”

Hearing Maud’s words, Tarnish winced. “I wasn’t going to say it, but I was thinking it.” Tarnish’s admission pained him, but he felt this was a time to be honest. Maud had been honest with him. “I feel real intimidated by you sometimes. You have all this drive and dedication. All of this determination. You have life all figured out—”

“I do?” Maud shook her head and blinked a few times. Her ears splayed backwards, then perked forwards, and then, her ears drooped down to the sides of her face. “I just got done telling you how flawed I am and how I need to figure everything out, because life no longer makes sense.”

“Yeah, and I was just thinking about how stupid I was, but I wasn’t going to say it.” Right after he said these words, he regretted them. He let out a snort and wished that he had kept his mouth shut. He looked down at his amulet, hoping he could blame his slip up on his magic, but the amulet was a soft shade of blue. Frustrated, the colt snorted again, now angry with himself.

“Right now, I am so tempted to just toss you into the river,” Maud said to Tarnish.

“Yeah, well, you’d be right to do so. I messed up,” Tarnish replied. “If you’d like, I could toss myself in. I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

“Why are you sorry?” Tarnish’s eyebrow raised.

“It felt like the right thing to say.” Maud’s lips pressed together as she made her decision. She started forwards, her back tensing as she prepared herself for bipedal movement.

She snatched Tarnish, who let out a startled squeak as he was hefted into the air. Maud had her forelegs wrapped around his middle. She stomped over the slippery stones, almost stumbling, and made her way out into the water. Then, she dropped herself and Tarnish into a pool deep enough to fall into.

Maud did not let go. Bobbing in the swift water, Maud clung to the pony that she loved, and the water carried her to a large boulder. The water pressed her back into the sunny stone; the water was cool and wonderful, while the rock was warm from the sun.

Tarnish twisted around in Maud’s embrace, and she assisted him, turning him around, until he was facing her. She saw his face, she could see a smile, and somehow, she knew that they both felt better.

“Loving you means accepting risks,” Maud said, her muzzle brushing up against Tarnish’s as she spoke. “It scares me something awful, but I suppose I am willing to accept that.”

“I’ll try not to wander off too far.” Tarnish wrapped his forelegs around Maud. “I guess we need to stick together. I got carried away. I went out looking for more shale and to be honest, I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings. I let down my guard and that was stupid of me. I didn’t do that because I was stupid… I was just doing stupid things.”

“I do stupid things.” Maud’s snoot bumped up against Tarnish’s lips. She was tempted to bring up the fact that she did Tarnish on a regular basis, but remained quiet. Now was not the time for that sort of sarcasm or snark.

“You married me,” Tarnish replied.

Maud snorted, spraying Tarnish with water droplets. She squeezed Tarnish just hard enough to send a clear message to him that he had gone far enough. “I intentionally got swallowed by a hydra so I could punch it to death. From the inside.”

Shaking his head, Tarnish found himself in disagreement. “No, there is a fine line between stupidity and bravery. That was brave.”

“I disagree,” Maud replied in a flat monotone, sounding a bit more like her usual self.

She could feel Tarnish pressed up against her, she clung to him, glad to have him near, and she could feel a small, hard lump between them. Boulder pressed into Maud’s ribs. There were no other hard lumps between them… yet. Little Boulder had been just as much a source of comfort the past few days as Tarnish and Pinkie had been. Closing her eyes, enjoying the water, Maud felt a growing sense of gratitude for what she had in life.

“Whatever happens, we’ll face it together… and I guess that will make everything okay,” Tarnish said as he clung to the wet mare that he loved more than life itself. “So, what are we going to do here in the Ghastly Gorge?”

Maud looked into Tarnish’s blue eyes and felt her heart go pitter-patter in her barrel. “We’re going to study the source of magic for all of Central Equestria. You and I are hugging each other in one of the carriers for it right now.”

“What?”

Author's Note

And now, the Gorge Arc.

Islands in the stream

Rummaging through one of the trunks, Maud Pie lifted out several boxes, until at last, she came to a wooden box stored at the bottom of the trunk. She lifted this out and then began packing the other boxes back in.

Tarnish, who was still setting up the camp, fixing some food, and purifying the water, looked away from his tasks to watch Maud, trying to figure out what she was doing. He watched as she lept down from the wagon and landed upon her sturdy hooves.

With an internal excitement that did not show, Maud grabbed the wooden box by the handle with her teeth and opened the lid. Inside there was a piece of expensive arcano-tech on loan from the University of Las Pegasus. There was a little metal box that had a grippable handle, a sensor array, and a display readout. Also inside the wooden box was a small solar panel to charge the arcano-tech device.

“What’s that?” Tarnish asked.

“A thaumaton reader,” Maud replied.

Tarnish shook his head. “A what?”

“Magic is measured in thaumatons.” Maud took a deep breath and prepared for a bit of an educational lecture. “Right now, we are at the place where the Ghastly Gorge empties into the Froggy Bottom Bogg. The water here has a mild charge of magic. I suspect that the rocks here have a higher charge of magic, because rocks for some reason absorb thaumatons… but I don’t know why and neither does anypony else. But the water acts as a carrier. The water here drains into the Froggy Bottom Bogg, and then all that water seeps down into the ground through the limestone and the water leaves behind all of its magical charge in the rocks, charging the ground, the very rocks themselves with thaumatons, filling the ground with magic.”

For a moment, Tarnish worried that his brain was going to leap out of his ear and then take off screaming, retreating off into the wilds. He blinked and tried to process what Maud had just said.

“The Crack of Doom is a major ley line intersection and it is absolute certain death for ponies who enter. It has a lot of dangerous, chaotic magic. It spills up out of the ground, like any other radiation, and goes into the different bodies of water, which hold a massive magical charge. Some of the radiation is lost to the air, decaying, but the water carries enough magic for it to eventually reach here, the place where we are now. The magic here is harmless, having somehow been made harmonious. I don’t know how. I suspect that the rocks do it somehow, but it is just a theory. The rocks hold a thaumaton charge quite well. If we measure the water here we’ll see a bit of minor magical radiation, but if we measure the rocks, we’ll see a higher level of thaumatons present. If we crack open a large rock and touch the sensor array to the inside immediately after the rock has been split open, we’ll see a much higher concentration, but this effect only lasts so long, as the radiation does begin to decay. Thaumatons want to stay deep on the inside of a rock, and the surface of a rock will always have a lower reading.”

“Um, okay.” Tarnish nodded and made an attempt to look like he understood what was going on. It was just easier this way.

“We owe the rocks for our continued existence.” Maud looked down at the stones all around. “The bad magic spews up from beneath the ground in the same way that good magic does… magic of both kinds fills the ground, the water, and the air. The magic in the air is the weakest, rapidly losing its charge as the thaumatons decay. The magic in the water is much the same way. The decay rate is just too high.” Maud took a deep breath. “But rocks, it is my belief that rocks act like batteries. They store the thaumaton charge, preserving a healthy amount of background magical radiation, allowing for the continued existence of magical creatures.”

“I see,” Tarnish replied.

“Tarnished Teapot, you are a magical creature.” Maud looked at her husband, trying to guess how much he understood. “Without background magical radiation, you would probably die. And so would I. But you would probably go first because you are a unicorn, and then I would be sad because I would be alone again.”

It took a moment, but Tarnish’s brain, when faced with overwhelming science, decided it wanted to live. After a few clunks, the mental gears turned and Tarnish had a moment of understanding. “And poison joke fits into all of this because it helps to filter out the bad magic, just like the rocks do.” He paused. “Not just bad magic, but strong magic, like a really powerful ley line, poison joke can grow there as well, so there is a magical eco-something—”

“Ecosystem,” Maud corrected.

“Yes, a magical ecosystem at work, a whole harmonious system that works to filter magic and somehow make it suitable to sustain life.” Tarnish, feeling proud of himself, saw Maud nodding. “If the magic was too strong, or too chaotic, everything would be like the Haunted Woods back home, all warped and twisted from magic… but without magic, there would be no life at all… er, at least not magical life, like us ponies, because we’re directly connected to the world through magic.”

“Correct. Earth ponies draw their strength from the earth, pegasi fly through the trace amounts of magic in the air, and unicorns draw upon magical ambience to cast their spells.” Maud, studying Tarnish, could see that his mind had been engaged. He was thinking, he was learning. She loved him most when he was like this. “Mind you, this is a theory, but I believe there are special ponies that are different from other ponies. They have a stronger connection to the earth, the air, or to magic. I have a connection to rocks. I am strongest when I am on rocky ground, because I am The Rock. Ponies like Twilight Sparkle have a stronger connection to magic, but she is an extreme example. There are pegasi like Rainbow Dash who have a stronger connection to the air. Where most pegasi would only gain a minor amount of strength from the thaumatons in the air, my theory is that Rainbow Dash is optimised to make the most out of the magical radiation available to her, processing it through super-efficient means. It makes her fast.” Maud paused and blinked. “And then, there are ponies like you. Ponies like you that help to prove my theory. You are part of a larger system that balances everything.”

“And it all comes down to the rocks.” Tarnish looked down and prodded a rock with his hoof. “And this is why you want to study the ley lines… and all because you wanted to know why the rocks on the rock farm changed into valuable rocks.”

“Yes.” Maud nodded.

“Maud?”

“Yes?”

“What if you took that thaumaton sensor thing and touched me with it… I mean, measuring me in my various states of harmony and chaos?”

“Oh… that’s an interesting idea… hmm.” Maud’s ears pitched forwards, angling over her eyes. It was a somewhat dangerous idea, and it would mean allowing Tarnish to slip into his full blown ‘poison joke’ state. Maud eyed his amulet, which glowed a soft blue. Maud prefered a hoofs on approach to science. The direct approach, with counting, measurements, and raw data collection. Tarnish wasn’t a rock, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t interesting. Tarnish was part of the system that the rocks contributed to, that rocks were the very foundations of. Or so Maud believed.

“It occurs to me that you and I are both islands of stability.” Tarnish’s brows were furrowed from his concentration. “Well, I can be a source of instability, but when I’m surrounded by bad magic, I generate an actual island of stability around me. We’ve seen that and even took photos of it back in the poison joke grove back home. And you, with your rock cutie mark, you have the stability of a stone. We have complimentary talents… we really are ideal for one another.” Tarnish looked at Maud, his eyes narrowing. “I wonder if I could protect another pony, going into a dangerous place. I mean, if they stayed close to me, inside the magical field I generate.”

“I don’t know.” Maud shrugged. “That might be too dangerous and too risky to test.”

Maud angled the solar panel towards the sun, plugged a thick, springy cord into the arcano-tech device, made an adjustment on the panel, and then heaved a sigh. It was time to wait for the device to charge.

Turning, she saw Tarnish dumping oatmeal into a pot. Maud liked oatmeal. It was plain, filling, was full of good nutrition, it was an ideal food. She heard the plopping of small bits of dehydrated fruit being spilled into the oatmeal pot.

“Some water keeps a magic charge, doesn’t it?” Tarnish asked as he looked up from his task. “Like the mirror pool that Pinkie Pie got into.”

“I guess so… I don’t know very much about magical water bodies, but I do know that they exist. They change, and are no longer water, at least not in the most general sense.” Maud sat down upon the stony ground. “There are mirror pools, portal pools, love springs, there are all kinds of magical bodies of water.”

“I guess those would be found on or near ley lines.” Tarnish lifted up a spoon and gave the quick cooking oatmeal a stir. Little whorls of steam rose up from the pot.

“We’ll probably encounter a few in our travels,” Maud said.

Author's Note

Science... I'm never sorry for science. Especially pony science.

Probe? No thanks!

Not fully awake, Tarnished Teapot looked at the now charged thaumaton reader. Maud had already been taking measurements, but Tarnish had only picked it up to understand how it worked. It was a sensitive device and could not be used when held in a telekinetic field, it had to be held in the fetlock, or else a false reading might happen.

The display had one hundred tiny bars. The first bar was clear, it meant that there was magic present, but not enough to do much of anything. Then came thirty three green bars. Anything falling within this range was harmless, this was the acceptable range of background magical radiation. Any reading that measured in the green was good. After the green bars, there were thirty three yellow bars. The yellow range indicated danger, or even potential death. At the twenty second yellow bar, there was a tiny skull and crossbones icon, indicating fatal levels. At the far end, there were the red bars. Tarnish realised that the device made no sense.

“Hey Maud, this device is stupid… how is a pony supposed to measure a reading in the red if that kind of magical exposure kills them?” Tarnish asked.

Lifting her head, Maud looked up from her notebook. “Um, Tarnish, you or I could get a red reading from something and live. There could be others like us as well.”

“Oh.” Tarnish blinked and looked down at the device. “Yeah… right. Sorry about that.”

Sighing, Maud batted her long, heavy eyelashes at Tarnish and then returned to her notebook, saying nothing, but giving a slight shake of her head.

Setting the thaumaton reader down, Tarnish looked at the field manual for it. It was at least two inches thick, hardbound, and seemed impractical as a field manual. Oversized, bulky, and heavy. He supposed that the reader might be more complex than it appeared, perhaps there was more to it than just reading which bar the reading lit up.

Picking up the manual, he began to look through it, seeing page after page of gobbledygook that he had no hope of understanding. The back half of the book however, had listings of acceptable readings for a variety of objects, things, and even animals. Flipping to the ‘A’ section, Tarnish heaved a sigh of disappointment. There was no listing for alicorns. There were, however, acceptable readings for aardvarks. The common aardvark should measure one bar, the bar with no colour, but exceptional varieties might score as high as two green bars. With a reading any higher, it was recommended to consult a biologist and await further instructions while relocating to a safe, secure area that had been aardvark proofed.

“Maud, how does one take a reading from animals?” Tarnish asked.

This time, Maud did not look up from her book. “You have to use the probe attachment.”

“What?” Tarnish blinked and felt a prickle in his dock. He didn’t like the sound of that.

“Touching it to the skin isn’t enough. You need to get an inside reading. The probe attachment must be connected to the reader and then the probe must be inserted into an orifice, like the rectum.” Maud paused. “I could get a reading from you if you’d like.”

“No!” Tarnish shook his head. “No, that’s okay. I’m not that curious.”

Overhead, Tarnish could make out a flying shape. He had to squint to see it in the late afternoon sun. It looked to be pegasus sized, but Tarnish couldn’t quite make out what it was. It circled a few times, and then Tarnish realised that it was descending. It seemed they had a visitor. He looked down and checked his amulet. It was a somewhat darker shade of blue than it should be. He lifted his tea flask, pulled out the stopper, and took a few swallows of the fragrant, almost perfumy liquid.

“We have company,” Tarnish said as he jammed the stopper back on the flask. Tarnish had not a single clue that his constant sipping from his tea flask made it look as though he was an alcoholic, taking a little nip to take the edge off.

“That’s a griffon.” Maud closed her notebook and then stuffed it into a rucksack, along with her pen and some loose notes. “Tarnish, be ready, not everything in the wilds of Equestria is friendly.”

It wasn’t too hard to build up a full head of steam—all it took was thinking about Maud being swallowed or otherwise hurt and Tarnish was ready to cook something. Not that he wanted to cook anything, but he was sick of things interrupting his otherwise pleasant days.

He watched Maud rise to her hooves. He could see the muscles around her fetlocks twitching. He thought about what Maud had said, being an earth pony, she drew her strength from the ground. A griffon was a flying creature, which meant that if Maud got lifted, she might lose some of her strength. Tarnish didn’t know for sure, but he wasn’t about to find out, either. A fair distance away, the griffon landed on the edge of the narrow, winding river.

“Hullo!” The griffon extended a wing and waved. “I saw you from the air and I realised who you are… you don’t know me, but I know of you, Maud Pie.”

Tarnish saw Maud lean forwards a bit and then his eyes were back on the griffon. A tiny curl of steam rose from the tip of Tarnish’s horn. He saw Maud raise her hoof a little and give him a wave.

“How do you know me?” Maud asked.

“Doctor Maud Pie… I’ve read many of your papers… I mean neither of you any harm.” The griffon paused. “My name is Ortzi Goldbeak, I’m a geologist and surveyor. I’m a very gneiss griffon.”

Shaking her head, Maud let out a sigh. “Rock puns. The bedrock of all humour. How horrible.”

“Schist happens.” Tarnish raised his eyebrow.

“Oh no… not you, too.” Maud shook her head.

“We find ourselves in an odd slate of affairs from time to time,” Ortzi said as he folded in his wings and his feathers ruffled.

“There is nothing amusing about any of this.” Maud turned her head and raised her eyebrow at Tarnish.

“I shale not make any more puns.” Tarnish, unable to look Maud in the eye, looked down at the ground. He didn’t see Maud rolling her eyes at him.

“I gravel before your mastery of puns.” The griffon bowed his head. “Would you mind if I made a quarry?”

Tarnish, feeling witty, gave the griffon a nod. “That was a clastic. My name is Tarnished Teapot.”

“If somepony makes one more geology pun, I’m going to barium.” Maud stared at Tarnish for a moment and then at the griffon.

“These puns are giving me an apatite. Do you mind if I camp with you and fish some salmon out of the river?” Ortzi asked, ignoring Maud’s threat of pun-ishment.

“I think that last pun just fluorite over my head.” Tarnish grinned. This was great. “I’m no geologist, but I’m hung like a horst.”

“Both of you are awful.” Maud turned and squinted at Tarnish for a moment, and then looked at the griffon. “You are welcome to stay… just no more puns.”

“So where are you headed?” Tarnish asked as the fire began to crackle. He and Maud had made plans to travel tonight, but those plans were delayed, with the possibility of being cast aside.

“Heading north, to Old Smokey and the Smokey Mountains.” Ortzi looked down at the fire, wishing that there was a bed of hot coals. There were two fat salmon ready to be cooked. “What about you two?”

“We’re heading to the Crack of Doom,” Maud replied. “Research.”

The griffon sat down on a flat, smooth rock beside the fire. “The Crack of Doom is a dangerous place.” The griffon, now settled on his rock, looked at his new companions. “There’s a dragon in the area. I don’t know what is going on, but I avoided it. A passing pony told me that the dragon seemed to be looking for something.”

“How would a pony know if a dragon was looking for something?” Tarnish asked as he tilted his head off to one side. Tarnish saw the brown and tan griffon shrug. “I wonder what a dragon would be looking for?”

“So how did you know it was me?” Maud asked, ignoring Tarnish’s question.

Ortzi’s eyes went wide as he turned to look at Maud. “Well, plain grey earth pony, usually wears a smock, you are a distinctive pony.”

“Huh.” Maud looked down into the fire and the flames glimmered in her eyes.

“You’re kinda famous,” the griffon said in a low voice.

“Bother.” Maud heaved a sigh.

With an impatient peep, Ortzi placed his fish over the fire. He had them skewered on wooden sticks, and there were wooden sticks with ‘Y’ shaped ends stabbed into the ground around the fire, together, everything formed a crude, but functional spit to cook fish over the coals.

“Wait…” Maud looked at the griffon. “Why would there be another pony here? This place is dangerous. This isn’t a place one goes unless there is a good reason to be here.”

Ortzi nodded. “The pony I met is named ‘Feather Quill.’ Scientist type, earth pony, not certain what he is doing here. Nice enough, but he didn’t trust me very much.” The griffon’s head tilted to one side as he studied both Tarnish and Maud. “I’m guessing that the two of you can handle yourself, hence the trust. Ponies that can’t do much to defend themselves tend to shy away from me.”

“That makes sense.” Maud looked at her husband and then at the griffon. “So tell me, how did you get into geology…”

Author's Note

Rectum? Damn near killed 'em.

What a friend we have in cheeses

The griffon seemed like a helpful creature. Ortzi flew overhead, circling, keeping an eye on the wilds all around them as Maud pulled her wagon along the narrow road that followed along the river. After much discussion, a decision was made to find the dragon and see what was up. It was Maud that made the point that it was better to face the dragon directly and find out what was going on, than live with constant fear and worry about a surprise dragon visit. Tarnished Teapot hadn’t agreed at first, but after sleeping on it, it seemed sensible.

Dragons were supposed to be well behaved, in accordance to the treaty held with the Royal Pony Sisters. Even with the treaty, dragon attacks happened. In the wilds, bad things happened beyond the reach and the influence of the Royal Pony Sisters. Diamond dog attacks, dragon attacks, and not all griffons were ready for the magic of friendship. Equestria was a dangerous place, full of sapient, very intelligent magical predators that were capable hunters; as such, the orphanariums were full of foals and there were many tales of tragedy.

Ponyville, even though it suffered through frequent disasters, was a safe place by comparison. Tarnish had seen enough of the wilds to know how dangerous it was. He had survived attacks from many different sorts of vicious predatory beasts. Jackalopes, chupacabras, crackle jackals, flying skunks, (not predatory but unpleasant to say the least) a hydra, and one funky looking rooster-lizard thing that had left him petrified.

All of his experiences had left Tarnish a little wiser, allowing him to survive the wilds.

“You’ve gotten taller since I met you,” Maud said as she walked beside Tarnish. She craned her head upwards. “This must be the summer of your growth spurt.” She gave her husband a sidelong glance, batting her eyelashes at him. “All of you has grown.”

Cheeks flushed, Tarnish swallowed, now feeling rather hot and thirsty.

“You’re all legs,” Maud continued, not caring that Tarnish was looking flustered “If this keeps up, with as tall as you are getting, I’ll be able to stand beneath you and get out of the rain.”

“I’m not that tall.” Tarnish’s voice cracked and became somewhat squeaky.

“Hmm,” was Maud’s reply. She tilted her head upwards, peering out from beneath the brim of her sunhat, tracking the helpful griffon, and then returned her eyes to the road. It was Tarnish’s job to keep an eye on the griffon. The road was rocky, narrow, and full of sand, which made pulling the wagon difficult. The wheels hit the rocks half buried in the sand, bouncing, thumping, and slowing down. Pulling a wagon meant maintaining momentum; building said momentum was the hard part, and anything that slowed the wagon was a major detriment to forward progress.

Now aware of Maud’s words, Tarnish realised how much taller he was, and how he now looked down upon Maud. How much had he grown? At some point, he had failed to notice. He was several heads taller. He looked down at himself, spying his amulet, trying to take himself in. Like his mother, Tarnish was long, gangly, but not bulky. He was long necked, longer necked now than he had been. Feeling a bit self conscious, he wondered if his neck was too long. He felt like a giraffe. He jerked his head around, looking skyward, and saw Ortzi. The griffon was still circling.

No, Tarnish said to himself. Ortzi was descending, his circling was bringing him downwards in a slow, efficient manner. Tarnish stopped and looked at Maud. “He’s coming down, Maud, something must be up.”

Overhead, a massive shape blocked out the sun. Tarnish, his ears perked, heard a peep from Ortzi. He didn’t know what the peep meant, or what emotion it conveyed, but the sound made Tarnish worry as he took a step forwards, standing in front of Maud.

The dragon, while huge, was not the largest of dragons. Maybe fifty to seventy five feet in length, it flapped its wings as it made its way down to the floor of the chasm. The dragon was long, sleek, and skinny. It’s scales were pinkish-gold and purplish-silver, glittering in the early morning sunlight.

The dragon, lacking any better place to land, dropped down in the river with a splash and a crash. It stood on four legs, flexing its long wings, and then it’s long, serpentine neck snaked downwards, his head moving towards the trio on the shore.

Tarnish stepped forwards, reminding himself of Longhaul’s advice. It never hurt to be polite. “Hello… my name is Tarnished Teapot, this is my wife, Maud, and this griffon is our recent acquaintance. His name is Ortzi Goldbeak.” Tarnish paused and looked the dragon in the eye. “How can we help you?”

The dragon looked confused for a moment, then sad, and then, after studying Tarnish, hopeful. “My name is Gorgonzola and I’m trying to look for my offspring.”

“Offspring?” Tarnish shook his head. “We haven’t seen any baby dragons.”

“She’s not a dragon.” Gorgonzola looked apprehensive for a moment, biting her lip, and curls of steam rose from her nostrils. Her long talons flexed and her tail swished to and fro. “Grey Owl is a little pegasus… she is mine… mine… I found her… I have raised her.” The dragon paused, looking guilty. “She’s grown up a bit and she went off exploring when I wasn’t looking.”

All Tarnish could think about was his own mother. It brought up a lot of conflicting feelings for him. He nodded his head. “Of course we’ll help you… what can we do?” He saw a look of relief spread over the dragon’s face. As it turned out, a mother’s relief was easy to spot on almost any sort of face.

“A little ways south, there is a spider cave… I fear they have taken her,” Gorgonzola replied. “I hope she still lives. The spiders keep their prey alive… but only for so long.”

Tarnish turned to look at his companions. He saw Maud nodding and Ortzi was tilting his head. He returned his gaze to the dragon. “We’ll help. Can you show us the cave?”

“I can take you there,” Gorgonzola replied. She looked at the wagon and then back at the ponies. “I can also keep an eye on your belongings. The cave isn’t very far… I believe she is in there, but I could be wrong. I could pay you—”

“Ma’am, payment isn’t necessary.” Tarnish tilted his pith helmet back upon his head.

“Yes it is… we dragons pay our debts. To seek aid without payment is unthinkable.” Gorgonzola bristled at the very idea, her many spines and frills all standing out on end. Her claws flexed. “I shall pay you up front… my payment might be helpful.” The dragon reached up and pulled a sack that hung around her neck over her slender head.

She began to rummage inside, pulling out several stuffed animals, various odds and ends, and then, with a snarl of triumph, she pulled out a shining silver sword in a jeweled silver sheath. She held it by the sheath and extended it to Tarnish in her long talons. “It is magic… it will help you against the spiders.” She slid the long cord holding the bag back over her neck.

Not knowing what else to do, Tarnish accepted the sword. He glanced at it a brief moment, admiring its beauty, and then clipped the sheath to the strap that held on his saddlebags.

“Before we go… Ortzi, I hate to ask you, but I need for you to find me something… this is a good area to find it, but it might take some looking.” Tarnish went to the wagon, heading for the trunk with the books in it. “There are some plants that will help with spider bites… one of them is wild basil… other is a marsh potato… the marsh potato is going to be tricky to find, but there should be some around here. They’re tiny, purple, and smell real bad. They’re great for drawing out poison and infections.”

“I can try to find them,” Ortzi replied.

Maud, unhitching herself from the wagon, said nothing. She came around to the back of the wagon just as Tarnish was pulling out a book. She watched him flip it open and then pass the book to Ortzi. The griffon nodded and the big dragon was peering down, trying to get a look inside the book.

“We’ll search the spider cave to try and find Grey Owl.” Tarnish looked up at the dragon. “Once you take us there, please, return here and look after our wagon.”

“Of course,” Gorgonzola replied, bowing her head.

“Once we come out of the cave, I will launch a flare. Do you think you could see a flare from here?” Tarnish asked. He saw the dragon nod. “Good. Maud, are you ready to do this? I want to tell you to stay here with the wagon, but I know I’ll get lectured later if I do.”

Maud raised her eyebrow and gave Tarnish a cool, calm, and collected stare. “I think we have a better chance facing the spiders together.” She watched as Tarnish grabbed a few items and stuffed them into his saddlebags.

“I’m ready to go… let’s do this,” Tarnish announced.

Looking at Tarnish, Maud saw that he was a dashing looking figure with his saddlebags, his pith helmet, and the shiny sword now secured to his saddlebag strap. His fine chocolate pelt stood out in sharp contrast with the soft khaki colour of the rest of his gear. She was going to have to give him happy husband hugs later for his efforts.

“Who’s afraid of a few spiders?” Tarnish asked, looking up at the dragon.

Author's Note

The sword, as mentioned, is magical... :trollestia:

It's okay to throw rocks at things you don't like

“Wow, this place is webby,” Tarnish said as he entered the spider cave, his horn lighting the way. He took a few more cautious steps forwards and then paused to have a look around.

“Your powers of observation continue to not impress me,” Maud replied. She took a great deal of satisfaction in Tarnish’s sour expression when he turned his head to look at her. She would make it up to him later… or maybe continue to tease him about it. She moved closer to Tarnish’s side. If something hairy and eight legged tried to grab him, Maud would punch it.

A bad smell wafted out of the cave. Something… rotten. Tarnish stepped forwards and used his telekinesis to push aside a glob of webbing that blocked up the entrance. As he tore away the webbing, he heard Maud sigh and then say, “Well, now they know that we are here.”

Staring at the webbing, Tarnish realised what he had done. There was no helping it, they had to go in deeper, and the webbing was blocking the way. If this was a warning system, the spiders now knew that he and Maud were here, and this wasn’t a social visit.

A disturbed part of Tarnish’s mind wondered what steamed spiders would smell like.

The cave was humid on top of having a gag inducing stench. Tarnish realised that he had changed. The pony that he had been a few months ago before his banishment from Ponyville would never have done this. Living on the road had changed him. Living with Maud had changed him. Living with the Pie family had changed him. Right now, he was either incredibly brave or fantastically stupid for doing this; he couldn’t decide, but he supposed the outcome would reveal itself in time.

He strode forward, the blue light from his horn illuminating the way, hoping that he was ready for trouble. Ahead, there was a strange sound, like wind blowing through piles of leaves. Tarnish didn’t much care for the sound, not at all, because it seemed to be growing louder.

Ahead, there was a pony skull laying on the stone floor of the cave. It still had some rotten bits of flesh on it, but not much. A few bones were scattered around, both pony bones and other types of animals. The spiders weren’t picky. At night, they would go out from their cave, find food, inject it with venom to paralyse it, drag it back to the cave, and eat their meal later, whenever the they felt hungry.

The sound of the wind blowing through the leaves reached a horrific crescendo. Hundreds of spiders, each of them the size of a cantaloupe or a pumpkin were scurrying along the floor, the walls, and the cave ceiling towards Tarnish and Maud.

With a toot that was almost deafening in the narrow confines of the cave, Tarnish released a scalding cloud of steam. The cloud wafted forwards, and as it did so, the spiders died en masse, boiled alive. The cave now glistened with dripping moisture. Maud stomped down upon the few survivors, putting them out of their misery. Each stomp made a horrific splat sound that made Tarnish wince. It was like somepony stepping down into a bowl of jelly with a whoopie cushion at the bottom.

“When we got married, this isn’t how I imagined our honeymoon, Honey Bunches,” Maud said in a low voice as she looked down at her now disgusting hooves.

“There’s that sense of humour that I love,” Tarnish replied as he continued forward.

Tarnish decided that he didn’t like dark caves. Horrible things lived in dark, smelly caves. Things like giant face leaping spiders with big shiny fangs and eight beady little eyes that glittered in the light. He cut loose with another toot, scalding an incoming mob with steam.

So far, things had been going rather well, which is to say that Tarnish was amazed that he was still alive and whole of body. Maud tap danced upon anything that got too close and her hooves were covered with twitching legs, hair, and gooey ichor.

The sound of many scurrying legs disgusted Tarnish. Lots and lots of little spiders had died so far. He let go with another cloud of superheated steam accompanied by a train whistle that echoed through the tunnels. He was feeling tired already, which worried him.

And then, when he saw what was approaching, Tarnish’s worries were forgotten, replaced with a new worry. Two big spiders were coming and he could see them in the faint glow of his horn light. Two very big spiders. Angling his head, Tarnish hit them with a jet of steam and tooted at them.

The two big spiders made a keening sound, kicked, and thrashed around, but did not die. They were slowed, but were still coming. He didn’t want them getting close to Maud, they were a bit too big to just step on.

Not knowing what else to do, Tarnish drew his new sword. It glowed with a vibrant pink light. A very pink light. He waved it at the spiders and then almost dropped it when a feminine voice screamed, “AAAAAAAAAH! It’s dark in here! I’m scared of the dark!”

Tarnish didn’t know where the voice was coming from, perhaps from somewhere ahead, maybe a victim wrapped up in webbing, but the odd echoes in the cave made it sound much closer, like it was right next to him.

Holding the blade in his telekinesis, he swung it, taking a swipe at the closest spider’s legs. The sword sliced through the spider’s legs with effortless ease, chopping them right off.

“OH GROSS! IS THAT BLOOD? THAT’S BLOOD! OH MY STARS, THAT’S DISGUSTING!”

Undaunted, Tarnish swung again, bringing his blade down in an overhead chop, aiming for the spider’s eyes. The blade went clean through and then the blade sank into the stone, cutting through the rock like a hot knife through butter.

“EGADS! I FEEL ALL GROSS AND HAIRY! STOP! STOP! THIS IS HORRIBLE!”

The shrieking female voice was getting on Tarnish’s nerves. He jerked the sword up and made a sideways swipe at the remaining big spider. The pony sized spider. The blade lopped off several legs and then cleaved into the body, severing away the front half.

“OH! SLIMEY!”

Lifting the sword, Tarnish gave it a good shake. “Stop screaming!”

“You first!” the sword retorted.

“I refuse to have an argument with an inanimate object.” Tarnish shook the spider bits and ichor from his blade and then held it up to have a quick look at it.

“I am not an inanimate object!” The sword paused. “You ruffian!”

“You’re a sword,” Tarnish said, unable to believe that he was arguing with a sword of all things. “Swords are inanimate objects.”

“If you’d let me go I could wield myself!”

Tarnish looked at Maud for a moment and then back at the sword that glowed with pink light. “You mean if I let go of you, you could go and stab spiders for me?”

“OH YUCK!” the sword replied. “I am almost as scared of blood as I am the dark! And spiders… I am terrified of spiders.”

“But you’re a sword, you can chop right through them,” Maud said, finally saying something and attempting to come to Tarnish’s rescue. “Look, there is a little foal in here… we don’t know if she’s alive. We need your help to rescue her.”

“A foal?” The sword’s feminine voice trembled. “All alone? In a cave full of spiders?”

“Yes.” Tarnish nodded his head, not knowing if the sword could see him.

“In the dark?” the sword asked.

Tarnish nodded again, wondering if the sword could ‘see.’ He supposed it had to be able to see, otherwise, how could it hack and slash the enemy?

“Oh… that poor dear… I suppose I shall have to be brave… but I’ll expect a good, thorough cleaning once this is done… and some time in a well lit room, free of spiders and other vermin.”

“Deal.” Tarnish let go of the sword and much to his amazement, it continued to float in front of him. “Do you have a name?”

“I used to have wings… I had hooves… pretty hooves… and a wonderful tail. I had a name… a name… my name was… my name was Flamingo!” The sword sliced through the air, doing a little dance, and then floated near Tarnish’s head. “My name was Flamingo!”

Wings? Hooves? A tail? That was a mystery for another time, Tarnish supposed. For now, no spiders were attacking, but there was no sign of the larder just yet, and he knew that this wasn’t over. He looked at Maud. “Ready to keep going?” He saw Maud nod and he gave her a smile.

Flamingo whimpered in the dark, hesitant to leave Tarnish’s side. She cast a pink glow that brought more light than Tarnish’s horn, but for whatever reason, she was afraid of the dark. She had a short, broad blade that was almost shaped like a feather, or perhaps a long leaf. Her crossguard was a horseshoe, her hilt was twisted like a unicorn’s horn and her pommel was shaped like a hoof.

Reaching out his hoof, Tarnish gave Flamingo a little nudge, pushing her forwards. She let out a startled gasp at his touch, whimpered, and trembled in the air. Tarnish heard Maud snorting in frustration.

Ahead, something chittered. Tarnish did not care for the sound. Not at all. Chittering was bad. He heard a ‘sploot’ sound and then Maud gave him a hard shove. A second later, a blob of webbing hit the spot where he had been standing. He peered ahead into the darkness and could see glowing eyes. Many glowing eyes.

Scowling, Tarnish sent a jet of superheated steam forwards. He was rewarded with a keening sound, a high pitched wail. Then, the ground shook, causing dust to drop down from the ceiling. Something big was moving.

Tarnish tried not to wet himself, that would not be becoming. He settled for a little high pitched squeal of terror instead and watched as Flamingo hesitated, hanging in the air for a moment, and then the sword zoomed off, heading forwards towards the enemy.

“OHGOODNESSTHISISGOINGTOBESOGROSS!”

Tarnish kept on the move, trying to dodge incoming web bombs. He stepped on a stray strand and his hoof was stuck for a moment. It took some effort to dislodge it. Flamingo’s pink light illuminated the area and Tarnish let out another horrified squeal. There was a spider the size of a small house in the cavern, some kind of horrible cave spider queen, surrounded by her guards, which were shooting webs.

“WHEEE!”

Closing the distance, Tarnish ran towards the danger, cursing at himself, he leveled his head and blasted a spider with a scalding jet of superheated steam. The cooked spider kicked and writhed, its hairy body becoming wrinkled, and then Tarnish flipped it over onto its back with his telekinesis.

Hearing a loud squish, he turned his head in time to see Maud pounding a spider into pulp, boxing it with her front hooves. Each punch caused green ichor to go spurting everywhere and Maud was grimacing with disgust.

“OH IT’S SO HAIRY!”

Dodging a giant hairy spider leg, Tarnish ran beneath the cave widow queen and blasted her belly with steam as he kept running. The cave widow queen lept away, greenish yellow goo dribbling from her fangs as she soared through the air. She landed several yards distant with a ground shaking thud.

A sharp pain stabbed through Tarnish’s bad leg, almost causing him to stumble. He had put too much weight on it. He let out a pained cry and then something pink flashed inches away from the side of his face. Several spider legs fell in front of Tarnish and part of a spider’s front body. Flamingo had just saved him from being tackled. His hooves stepped on the spider’s cloven body and made it go squish.

“I NEVER LIKED SPIDERS!”

He let out another tea kettle blast, scalding a web shooter, and sending it scurrying away from him. Reaching out with his telekinesis, he didn’t flip the spider over, instead, he grabbed the four legs on the side closest to him and gave a hard yank.

All four legs were ripped free; Tarnish dropped them, horrified and disgusted that he had just done such a thing. It was an awful thing to do to something, but then again, so was scalding something with steam. For a moment, Tarnish felt guilty. The legs kicked and twitched as Tarnish lept over them and tried to land on his three good legs.

“BUGS ARE PRETTY DISGUSTING TOO! CREEPY CRAWLIES IN GENERAL!”

Looking around, Tarnish realised the web shooters were gone, and only the cave widow queen remained. The queen was running around, trying to get away from Flamingo. The queen was missing one leg, and half of a second one had been lopped away.

Looking around, Tarnish, almost panicked, looked for Maud. She was covered in webbing, green goo, and spider legs. Somehow, Maud managed to look both bored and sleepy, even covered in pulpy spider goop and assorted spider bits.

“Tarnish,” Maud said.

“What Maud?” Tarnish replied.

“Catapult me,” Maud commanded.

“What?” Stunned Tarnish stood there and stared at Maud while Flamingo continued to chase after the cave widow queen. “Are you crazy?”

“I am The Rock. I can be thrown.” Maud shook some goo from her legs and then kicked away a cluster of spider appendages. “Launch me, my love. Trust in me.”

“DIE FOALNAPPER!” With a lunging swipe, Flamingo chopped off all four legs on the cave widow queen’s right side, leaving the queen vulnerable. Screaming a wordless cry, the sword went to work hacking off the legs on the other side.

Tarnish, sensing opportunity, trusted in Maud. Reaching out with his telekinesis, he lifted her up into the air, hefted her, and then tossed her for all he was worth, launching her in a parabolic arc towards the spider.

Mid-air, Maud moved with easy grace, and placed all four hooves together. She braced her legs and her lip curled back from her teeth in a snarl as she began her descent. She realised that Tarnish was a good shot. From her aerial view, she could see Flamingo getting ready to chop down into the cave widow queen’s head.

Maud landed on the cave widow queen’s abdomen, causing it to pop like an overstuffed, throbbing boil. Spider guts exploded everywhere, showering everything in the room with warm, sticky slime. The widow queen, who had been the size of a small house, was no more.

“I feel unclean,” Maud deadpanned as she stood in the middle of a pulsating spider-puddle.

Author's Note

The tradition of wife tossing is alive and well...

A fun little link for you to click

Fangs for the memories

Using a cloud of steam, Tarnish cleaned Flamingo and then slid her away in her sheath. The cave was silent, save for the sound of water dripping from somewhere. There was a passage in the back of the central cavern where the widow queen’s ruined body lay. In her sheath, Flamingo had gone silent, the pink glow had vanished.

Reaching out his hoof, Tarnish knocked hooves with Maud, who was covered from ear to hoof in green goo, hairs, and bits of spider. Maud seemed fine, unharmed by her encounter with the spiders. Tarnish had a few scratches; he didn’t know when they had happened, and he didn’t feel them until he saw them.

His horn lighting the way, Tarnish headed for the opening, where white webbing was visible. Bones of all kinds were underhoof. This was a grim place, a place of horror. These spiders had been here for a long time. He felt Maud bump up against him, her touch was cold and slime clung to Tarnish where she touched him.

The spider’s larder was filled with webbed bundles. Tarnish hoped that nothing in here was too dangerous. He came to the first web wrapped body just inside the entryway. Using his telekinesis, he tore it open. The bones of what appeared to be a diamond dog spilled out and clattered all over the floor. Tarnish shivered. A diamond dog. He gulped. Diamond dogs were capable creatures, Tarnish thought of Buttons, and missed her.

He looked to another bundle, this one smaller. He tore it open. The bones of several rabbits spilled out, but some of them clung to the webbing. They too rattled as they hit the floor, filling the chamber with a haunting sound. Tarnish was sweating now, trembling, the fight was over and the adrenaline was wearing off. He didn’t feel so good. He felt nauseous.

Feeling a little thirsty, Tarnish tore open another bundle. This time, no bones. A dessicated corpse hung in the webbing. Tarnish stared at it. An earth pony’s eyeless sockets stared back at him. A little spider, no bigger than a cookie, crawled out of the pony’s mouth.

For a moment, Tarnish thought he was going to be sick. He felt Maud touch him and he took a deep breath. “Maud, I don’t feel well.”

“I think you got bit,” Maud replied. “When we get out, I’ll look you over.”

“I didn’t feel anything.” Tarnish looked to another blob of webbing, not wanting to open it. He gulped, his throat feeling dry. He levitated his tea flask out of his saddlebag, took a long pull, swallowed, and felt a little better. He then unstoppered his water canteen, lifted that to his lips, and guzzled down as much water as he could. He offered it to Maud, but she shook her head.

“Tarnish, I would guess that the spider’s bites aren’t something you would feel… it’s an effective means of subduing their prey,” Maud said in a soft, muted monotone.

Several more web bundles spilled out bones, dried out bodies, one gooey body that was covered in little baby spiders, and one live rabbit that flopped down to the ground, made a feeble kick, and then did not move. It took Tarnish a moment to realise it was still under the effects of what was sure to be paralytic poison. Saying nothing, he lifted the rabbit up in his telekinesis and stuffed it into one half empty saddlebag.

Tarnish could feel his right hind leg going numb and it was getting harder to walk. He ignored it and focused on his grim task, opening webs. After opening dozens, he realised that he didn’t have many left. No sign of a pegasus foal. There was one web up near the ceiling that he hadn’t noticed before. He angled his head upwards, focused his telekinesis, and gave a yank. The web tore open and a grey pegasus foal spilled out.

He caught her before she hit the floor. Her body was limp, cold, and unmoving. He pressed his ear to her barrel, a large lump growing in his throat. Much to his relief, he could feel a heartbeat. It was weak, but it was there.

Laying the foal over his back, Tarnish tore open the last few pods, revealing nothing but bones, the fresh dead body of a pig, and some birds that were somewhat dissolved. Turning, Tarnish made his way out of the spider’s larder.

“Maud, I think you’re right,” Tarnish said as he limped along. “I don’t feel good, Maud.”

“Just hang on.” Maud, walking beside her husband, gave him a sidelong glance. “You’ll be okay… just listen to the soothing sound of my voice.”

Tarnish focused on taking light steps so he wouldn’t bounce the foal slumped over his back. He was thirsty again. He pulled out his tea flask and began to drink it down, each gulp made him feel a little better, but when he stopped drinking, he started to feel worse.

Realising this, Tarnish took little sips instead, wondering if poison joke had any antidote properties. Mandragora, his brain said in a quiet voice. Tarnish nodded, listening to the little voice in his mind. His tea had mandragora in it. Mandragora was a good antidote and helped to resist magical paralysis. He took another sip of his tea. The cool liquid made his tongue feel better.

“Maud, mandragora,” Tarnish said, the first hint of a headache starting to thud between his ears. “It’s in my tea… I think it’s helping.”

Stepping out into the sunlight, Tarnish stood on the sandy, rocky, bone strewn entrance of the spider cave. Concentrating, he fired off a flare from his horn. It rose into the sky, rising in an arc, and then exploded like a bottle rocket.

He looked at Maud. “I don’t feel good.” Shaking his head, Tarnish walked further away from the cave opening and lifted the pegasus foal from his back with his telekinesis. He set her down upon the ground, touched her with his hoof, and then sat down in a place that wasn’t so full of little bones. He took a sip from his tea flask and then tried to pour some into the filly’s mouth.

In the sunlight, Maud looked even worse. She peered down the cliff edge at the valley floor below where the river ran. She walked over to Tarnish. “I feel fine… I don’t know if I got bit, but if I did, it isn’t bothering me.”

“That’s good Maud… I’m worried,” Tarnish replied.

“You’ll be fine… you’re a tough pony.” Maud shook herself, trying to be rid of some of the filth caked to her body. “I don’t think I’ll ever be clean again. I feel gross.”

“Do you think she’ll be okay?” Tarnish asked as he looked down at the filly.

“I hope so.” Maud looked down but did not approach. She was far too disgusting. She looked towards the north and saw a welcome sight. In the distance, there was a dragon.

Laying in the warm pebbly sand, Tarnish felt a powerful wave of nausea break over him. He was feverish, shivering, and sweating. He felt cool water being poured over his head. It felt good and he wished there was more. He rubbed his cheek against the wet sand. He didn’t dare open his eyes, the light made them hurt like crazy.

“One puncture wound, right in the right buttock,” a strange distorted voice said.

“I got bit in the ass,” Tarnish mumbled. “Never felt a thing. Tough pony am I. Yep.”

“Grey Owl has several bites,” the voice continued. “Tarnish’s book says that the marsh potatoes have to be heated until they are soft and spongy, they are then fed to the patient. It will trigger a purge response. The patient will sweat profusely, vomit, have diarrhea, and urinate a great deal until the poison leaves their system.”

“Oh dear,” a booming voice replied.

“Dehydration will be an issue, we’ll have to keep liquid in them.”

Tarnish could feel sand in his ear, but he didn’t care. He rolled around in the sand, unable to feel his right hind leg at all. A strange taste was in his mouth. He felt something lift his head and then something was pressed to his lips. He drank, his tongue felt like it would crack because it was so dry. Tea, his tea, splashed over his lips. It was strong, far stronger than it usually was when he drank it.

“Come on, your book says the mandragora will help, and Maud said this has mandragora in it… drink it down,” the voice said.

Tarnish sputtered. The tea was strong and it hadn’t been sweetened. He gasped, coughed, and then sucked in wind, wheezing. He took another drink and then tilted his head back so he could breathe.

“Light hurts,” Tarnish said, trying to make his pain known.

“Tie a blindfold around him.” Tarnish could hear Maud’s voice. She was close. “When you get better, you’re going to get happy husband hugs.” Disappointment flooded through Tarnish, he wanted those hugs now. He deserved them. He had been bitten in the ass. Husbands bitten in the ass by giant spiders deserved happy husband hugs… Tarnish had a brilliant idea… he would make an appeal to Princess Celestia, begging her to make this a law. As Tarnish drifted into feverish delirium, his final thought was that Princess Celestia was a very reasonable pony and she would certainly have pity upon his plight.

Maud, who had taken a bath in the stream but still did not feel clean, looked down at her husband. She could hear his stomach gurgling as he thrashed about. They had managed to get the awful purple potatoes down into him as well as Grey Owl and now, the potatoes were working, doing whatever it was that marsh potatoes did. Tarnish was sweating already, great glistening drops rolled down his pelt. He was warm with fever, but not too warm, at least Maud hoped it wasn’t too warm.

Rolling him over on his stomach, she checked his backside. One tiny puncture wound, probably from one of the little spiders. Several scratches were up and down his hind legs. Many of the spiders had claw like hooks on the ends of some of their legs.

Lowering her head, she kissed him on his cheek and then placed her lips next to his ear, hoping that some part of him could still hear her somehow. “You did good. You walked right in there and you gave those spiders what for.”

She sat down in the pebbles and the sand, making herself comfortable. Gorgonzola was a good, attentive mother. She fussed and fretted over the tiny filly she held in her talons, kissing her, and making cooing noises. Motherhood did not know species it seemed.

Ortzi Goldbeak, a predatory creature, was nursing the rabbit back to health, which struck Maud as being odd. The rabbit was food for the griffon. Putting it out of its misery would be an act of mercy. Try as she might, there were things in life that Maud just could not understand, like her sister, Pinkie Pie, Tarnish’s fascination with being hugged, and a griffon nursing a rabbit back to health.

Maud sighed. It was time to write some poetry about rocks so that life would make sense again.

Author's Note

So I suppose that a lot of people have questions about Flamingo... you'll have to keep reading. :raritywink:

20% cheesier

His legs kicking, Tarnished Teapot awoke, opened his eyes, and saw a dragon. He did what any pony half in and half out of a fever delirium would do when seeing a dragon. He screamed bloody murder and then slipped out of consciousness.

Gorgonzola shook her head. “Poor dear.”

“He’ll recover,” Maud said in her characteristic monotone. She glanced at Ortzi and then up at the dragon sitting on the sandy shore. “So, Gorgonzola, I’m curious. How did you become Grey Owl’s mother?”

The dragoness’ long neck whipped around and she looked at Maud. A pained expression crept over her features. “Oh, that’s a sad tale.” Gorgonzola shook her head and then bent her long neck to look down at the plain looking grey pegasus foal lying in the sand,

“I currently have nothing but time right now.” Maud looked down at her husband, who kicked and whimpered in his sleep. “And I really am curious.”

The dragoness’ head snaked down to be closer to her foal. “Without going into details, I came upon the pony I believe to be Grey Owl’s mother. I’m not certain which tribe she was… parts of her were eaten.” The dragoness heaved a sigh, sending a cloud of steam rising through the air. “Seeing it made me sad. I gathered up what was left of her and buried her under a pile of rocks.”

Reaching down, Maud stroked Tarnish’s sweaty brow.

“When I was about to fly away, I heard faint cries… weak cries.” The dragoness looked troubled. She raised her claws and scratched her belly. “I found a little pegasus foal stuffed into a tree hollow… it looked like an old owl’s nest. She was a newborn. Still had the cord. She was cold and she wasn’t doing very well.” Gorgonzola paused. “It’s pretty easy to figure out what happened. The mother gave birth in the wilds for whatever reason, perhaps it caught her by surprise, and it left her weak. Something gobbled her.”

“That’s upsetting,” Maud said.

“I had to rip open the tree to get the little pegasus foal out. I flew away with her, not knowing what to do. I flew to a farmer’s house, but they didn’t want her… and they didn’t want anything to do with me. I did manage to convince them to trade me a goat… since I wasn’t welcome, I flew off with the goat and the foal. I named her Grey Owl and I did my best to raise her.”

“That’s admirable.” Ortzi tilted his head to look up at the dragon.

“Look out, coconuts!” Tarnish shouted as he rolled over onto his back.

Hearing his words, Maud sighed. “Poor Tarnish, he was scarred by Pinkie. His fear of coconuts is all her fault.”

Ortzi blinked. “Now that has to be a funny story.”

“It’s dark.”

Ears perking, Maud lifted her head at the sound of Tarnish’s voice. She was tired, sleepy, but could not sleep because of her worry. Tarnish was a short distance away, sprawled in the sand.

“I’m thirsty,” Tarnish said in a raspy voice.

Maud rose from the warm sand where she had been laying, went to a large rock beside the fire, which had gone out, lifted up a cup of water in her teeth, and then took it over to Tarnish. She sat down beside him and then set the cup down in the sand near his head. She hooked her hoof beneath his jaw, lifted his head, and helped him hold his head over the cup. She could hear him lapping up water.

When he was done drinking, she cradled his head in her forelegs, pulled him close, and kissed him. He was sweaty and his pelt was damp. He was covered in sand and he smelled terrible. But Maud didn’t care. She had dealt with worse.

“How long have I been out?” Tarnished asked.

“This is the second night,” Maud replied. “The first night was pretty rough on you. Lots of diarrhea and vomiting.” Maud brushed Tarnish’s mane out of his eyes. “The little filly still hasn’t woken up yet, but she’s getting better. I think.”

“My butthole feels all puckered and chapped.”

Feeling bad, Maud gave Tarnish a squeeze. She pulled more of his body closer when she felt him shivering. She rubbed her chin against his ear and was rewarded with the sensation of Tarnish’s body going limp against her. It was time for happy husband hugs. She flopped over on the sand and spooned with Tarnish, holding him, rubbing his ears with her chin.

“We did a good thing,” Tarnish whispered.

Maud did not reply, but continued to spoon in silence. This was, perhaps, Tarnish’s second favourite activity. Cuddling. It was such a simple request and so easy to fulfill. Maud, reflecting upon the situation, realised that she must have a knack for this. Her sister Pinkie also loved to be held. In times of trouble, Limestone came begging for a hug. And Marble… sometimes it was hard to make Marble go away. This was simply another layer in the strata that was her personality, Maud supposed. Part of what made her The Rock.

Overhead, the stars twinkled as the pair lay in the sand together. Lifting up her hind leg, Maud threw it over Tarnish’s hips, resting the inside of her thigh against his poison joke cutie mark. It was warm and comfortable. Maud didn’t care if Tarnish was a bit sweaty, smelly, or sticky. At least he wasn’t exploding from both ends.

“Maud, when I get to feeling better, will you dance with me?” Tarnish asked.

“Of course,” Maud replied. Tarnish’s neck had grown longer. Maud had to stretch out now to reach him end to end and she wasn’t quite long enough. She scooted herself up along his back, rested her foreleg over his neck, and rested her chin just behind his ear, using him as a pillow. Beneath her, she felt Tarnish slip into slumber, his breathing becoming slow and regular.

It seemed the worst was over. Tarnish, while not a rock, was a durable pony.

Miserable, Tarnish huddled next to the fire during the grey hour of dawn. He was cold, clammy, itchy, and covered in sand. He had water boiling. He was starving. Before him was a box of macaroni-n-cheese, a tiny tin of butter, and a small tin of evaporated milk. He didn’t care if mac and cheese was a breakfast food or not. His mouth was watering for it.

A short distance away, Maud lay sleeping. She looked peaceful, slumbering in the soft, warm sand. He dumped the macaroni into the boiling water and then lifted up the kettle to pour water into a fresh batch of poison joke tea. When the fragrant smell hit his nose, he felt lightheaded. For a moment, he feared that he would fall over face first into the fire.

“Thank you,” Gorgonzola said in a soft voice, trying not to wake the others.

“It was nothing,” Tarnish replied as his stomach squelched, gurgled, and made strange squirty-squishy noises. “You didn’t tell me that the sword talks.”

“The sword talks?” The dragoness’ eye frill raised.

“Sword’s name is Flamingo. And she talks.” Tarnish gave careful thought to what he knew. “I don’t think she can talk while she’s sheathed. But if I pulled her out right now, she’d talk.”

“Fascinating.” Gorgonzola blinked as she watched Tarnish clutch his stomach. “I did not know this, I left the sword in the sheath after I found it.”

There was a hiss from the fire as Tarnish’s noodles boiled over. He grumbled a bit, staring at the fire, listening to the hiss, and wishing that the food was done now. He could almost taste the macaroni and cheese. He had no idea why it was so delicious, but he suspected it had something to do with the bright orange cheese powder. On the front of the box, there was a smiling purple pegasus saying that it was twenty percent cheesier.

How did one measure a twenty percent increase in cheesiness?

“I found the sword in an old, ruined castle in the Everfree Forest.”

Tarnish’s ears perked as he stirred his noodles.

“I found an old statue of a alicorn… a male statue. He looked very regal and was standing in a heroic pose. His stone base was cracked open and it was hollow inside. I saw the sword peeking out. I pulled it out and took it with me… I’m not like other dragons.” Gorgonzola’s voice softened and she sounded embarrassed. “I don’t really care about hoarding. But the sword… I couldn’t ignore it, I had to take it with me.”

Thinking of his magic primer, Tarnish nodded his head. “It might have been magical compulsion. Some treasures want to be found.”

He added honey to his tea and a bit of lemon. Scowling, he poured boiling water into his tea flask and swished it around inside, cleaning it. He poured it out, added more boiling water, shook it again, and then, using a small cheap plastic funnel, he poured in a fresh batch of tea. He set the flask down, unstoppered, so it could cool.

“You’re a brave pony,” Gorgonzola said.

“It isn’t about being brave… I just about peed on myself going into that cave.” Embarrassed, Tarnish hunched over the fire, wishing he could get warm. “It was the right thing to do. It was something that needed to be done. When I was down on my luck, somepony helped me. I don’t think I can ever pay them back, but that won’t stop me from spending the rest of my life trying to be the pony they think I am.”

Gorgonzola lowered her head down close to Tarnish, her long neck arching. “She saved you, didn’t she?”

Saying nothing in reply, Tarnish nodded. He stirred his noodles a little more and then fished one out with a spoon to see if it was tender. He blew on it, feeling cranky and impatient. He sucked it in and burned his tongue. The noodle was soft enough, but still a bit rubbery and chewy. He didn’t care.

Lifting the boiling pot, he clamped a lid on it, held it out over the sand, and poured the boiling water out of the pot. Once it was drained, he set the pan down on a flat rock. He cracked open the tin of butter, scooped out all of it, even though he only needed a few tablespoons, and then opened the tin of evapourated milk. He poured the can into the pan along with the butter and began stirring. He ripped open the paper packet of bright orange cheese powder and dumped that into his macaroni.

“Some debts are difficult to repay.” Gorgonzola’s voice was muted and did not sound anything like what a dragon should sound like. “You gave me back something more priceless than any pile of treasure. I feel as though I have cheated you—you gave me so much yet I gave you so little.”

“I would have done it for nothing,” Tarnish muttered.

Gorgonzola took a deep breath and wisps of steam curled out of her nostrils. “I believe you when you say that… and that is why she loves you.” The dragoness pointed with one long, curved claw at Maud.

Tarnish’s cold, clammy feeling was replaced by a warm full body blush. It felt good being warm. He stabbed into his pot of macaroni and cheese with his spoon, managed to smile, and then started gobbling it down, right out of the pot. It was runny from too much milk, greasy from too much butter, and it was delicious.

Author's Note

This is what it means to be somepony else's rock.

Owl's well that ends well

Rising up out of the stream, water spilling from his sopping sides, Tarnished Teapot gave himself a shake, sending water everywhere. He felt clean again, but he was certain that he could still feel sand in his plot crack. He gave himself another shake, whipping his head around this time, feeling a bit more like his usual self.

He stood on the sandy pebbled shore, glanced around the camp, came to the conclusion that he didn’t care that he was being watched, marched over to Maud, grabbed her in his telekinesis, lifted her, pressed his lips to hers, gave her a breathless kiss, nibbling on her lips as well as slipping her the tongue, set her down, and then went over to a rock to sit down so he could have some tea.

Fanning herself, Maud’s eyes blinked with rapidity as her sides heaved.

Tarnish had no idea what had gotten into him, but knew it had something to do with a large hydra, a rooster lizard, and a cave full of spiders. He lifted up his tea flask, pulled off the stopper, and took a few sips. After a couple of swallows of tea, Tarnish realised that he could be a botanist if he wanted to, but still do a little hero work on the side. He also knew that he couldn’t get carried away. He wasn’t going to go out and find trouble, but if trouble happened, Tarnish was going to deal with it. Hopefully with Maud right beside him, because Maud got stuff done.

Unaware that his confidence had blossomed into something meaningful, Tarnish sat up a little straighter, held his head a little higher, and, as he looked at the pegasus foal lying in the sand, he realised that his budding skills as a botanist had saved both himself as well as Grey Owl. It was a fantastic feeling. He had made a difference. His stomach gurgled, uncertain about his greasy breakfast of macaroni and cheese, but Tarnish ignored it.

His horn glowed with a bright blue light as he lifted Flamingo. He pulled the sword from its sheath and he heard a yawn. “I made you a promise, I need to keep it.”

Flamingo bobbed in the air near Tarnish. “Sunny! Sunlight! Oh, that feels good!” The sword paused. “You made a promise?”

“I promised you a good cleaning and some time in the light if you helped me against the spiders—”

“EGADS! SPIDERS! WHERE?”

Tarnish’s eyebrow lifted and his confusion caused his nostrils to flare. “You helped me rescue a foal and clear out a cave full of spiders.”

“I did?” Flamingo shook herself, dancing in the sun, and then bobbed in front of Tarnish. “Wait, I remember you… you stabbed me into a bunch of yucko spiders, you cretin.”

Maud snorted and then returned to her study.

“But you also kept me safe in the dark, Mister Teakettle.”

“Teapot,” Tarnish corrected.

“Yes, Rusty Teakettle, the ignorant cretin that stuck me into gooey, hairy spiders.”

Taking a deep breath, Tarnish swallowed a caustic retort. The sound of Gorgonzola and Ortzi’s laughter was galling. “My name is Tarnished Teapot and we made a deal and I’m trying to honour that.”

“I don’t remember a deal, but I never had a good memory. I’m told I’m a little flighty and my head stays in the clouds.” Flamingo flared with a brighter pink light for a moment. “You must be one of Princess Celestia’s knights… you’re honourable and you keep your word.”

“No, I’m just a common pony,” Tarnish replied.

“Common ponies don’t go into caves full of spiders to rescue foals… only an idiot or a knight goes into spider caves, and if you are not a knight, you must be an idiot. What are you doing out of your village?” Flamingo began to laugh, bobbing and bouncing around Tarnish’s head.

Sighing, Tarnish lifted up a woollen blanket, lacking anything else, grabbed Flamingo, and began to look her over. His steam cleaning had done a good job of removing spider goop. He began to rub the blade with the blanket, polishing it.

As he rubbed, the sword moaned, a very feminine sound of pleasure. Tarnish’s cheeks began to burn and he heard more laughter around him. Desperate to have this embarrassment end, Tarnish decided to distract the sword with more conversation.

“Were you a pegasus?”

“I don’t know… hard to remember… everything is so hazy,” Flamingo replied. After a moment of rubbing, she moaned again and then gasped a few times. “Oh, you’re good at this.”

“You mentioned Princess Celestia… do you know her?” Tarnish asked.

“I… I… I don’t remember.” Flamingo flew out of Tarnish grip, a violent tremble along her length, then she darted back into her sheath, sliding in, and going silent.

“There’s a story there, waiting to be told,” Ortzi said to Tarnish as he picked up and stroked his recovering rabbit. He stroked the rabbit’s long ears and the rabbit’s nose wiggled.

Tarnish’s ears perked when he heard a faint, soft cough. He lifted his head from his book about plants and looked in the direction of Grey Owl. He watched as Gorgonzola scooped the foal up and held her close, peering down at the tiny foal crosseyed.

“Owly!”

“Mama?”

Tarnish could barely hear the foal’s voice. It was raspy and dry. He knew the feeling. He put a pot full of water on the stove so it could boil, thinking that oatmeal might be just the thing for a recovering foal.

“Mama, I no feel good.”

“I know, Owly. But you’re getting better… oh I’m so happy to hear your voice!”

“Firsty, Mama.”

Turning his head, Tarnish watched Gorgonzola lower Grey Owl and sit her down beside him. He understood; the foal was tiny, very very tiny compared to a dragon. He poured some water into a plastic cup, focused his magic just enough to make it somewhat chilled, and then lifted the green cup to the foal’s lips. He was aware that Gorgonzola’s head was inches away from his ears and he could feel her hot, steamy breath upon him.

The foal coughed and sputtered, but then kept trying to drink.

Beside him, Maud sat down in the sand, and he could feel her eyes upon him. Not knowing why, he became nervous, feeling as though his every movement, his every action was somehow being judged.

Blinking, the foal looked at Tarnish and then at Maud. “Who you?”

“Who are you,” Gorgonzola said in a soft voice, her sense of motherhood insisting on a bit of gentle correction.

“This is Tarnished Teapot. My name is Maud Pie. That nice griffon over there, he’s named Ortzi. How are you feeling?”

“Mouf full sand,” Grey Owl replied.

“Hungry?” Tarnish asked. He saw the foal nod her tiny head. Part of him was amazed that she had survived. Reaching out, nervous, he patted her on the back. He could feel his heart banging against his ribs, a painful, endless, uncomfortable thumping. Something about foals scared him something awful. He looked for Maud, hoping for an encouraging word, but, while Maud looked him in the eye, no helpful words were forthcoming.

“I’m going to feed you some oatmeal… does that sound good? With some fruit.”

“Fruit,” Grey Owl replied, licking her lips.

“I forage for her.” Gorgonzola’s hot breath caused Tarnish’s ears to twitch and flicker while she spoke. “I feed her fruits and vegetables that I find, and sometimes candy when I can trade for it.”

“Oatmeal is good, isn’t that right, Maud?” Tarnish looked at his wife with a hopeful expression.

“I like oatmeal,” Maud said as she looked down at the foal. “We’re both grey. Like rocks.”

“I find pretty rocks for Mommy.” Grey Owl’s wings fluttered. She sniffed herself and then stuck out her orange tongue. “Me stinky.”

“I’ll help you get a bath after breakfast,” Maud said, nudging the tiny pegasus with her hoof. “Would you like that?”

The foal nodded and then, stretching out her hind leg, she scratched behind her ear. Seeing this caused Tarnish to gasp, and he didn’t know why. He was seized with the sudden need to grab Maud and hold her close.

“Itchies.” Grey Owl scratched behind her ear some more and then shook her head.

The wet foal flapped her wings and gave herself a shake, dancing around in the shallow water, showing off for her mother and for Maud. Meanwhile, Tarnish watched as Ortzi packed up his few belongings.

“What about the rabbit?” Tarnish asked.

“He’s feeling better. I plan to release him in the woods at the top of the ridge. Not much for him to eat down here,” the griffon replied.

“I don’t understand… for you, the rabbit is food… why did you save him?” Tarnish’s brows furrowed and he studied the griffon, trying to read him.

“Why does a dragon rescue a pegasus foal?” Ortzi blinked, his beak clacking together.

Looking up at the dragon, Tarnish realised that he had no idea why a dragon would do such a thing, other than it felt good to do. He nodded as he reached this conclusion. He supposed it was a matter of personal choice. Why does an otherwise sane pony go charging into a cave full of pony eating spiders? Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do pink ponies pronk?

“Good luck and stay safe,” Tarnish said.

“You as well… you get into trouble, and you let that sword do the talking.”

“She’s afraid of blood.” Tarnish glanced at the sword sitting with his saddlebags.

“Whatever is threatening you doesn’t know that,” Ortzi replied. He pointed at the sword. “It’s a talking magical sword. That alone should keep you safe. There’s no need to go chopping stuff up. The world is full of enough death, danger, and despair. There is no good reason to add to it.”

Finding himself in agreement, Tarnish nodded. “Spiders don’t count though, because screw spiders.”

“Fair enough after what you went through.” Ortzi waved. “Goodbye.”

“Buhbye!” Grey Owl waved her wing.

“Safe travels,” Maud said.

“Good luck.” Gorgonzola waved her claws.

“I hope we’ll meet again… stop by the rock farm,” Tarnish said as Ortzi flapped his wings. Tilting his head back, Tarnish watched as Ortzi took off and flew away, the rabbit cradled in his forelegs.

As one adventure ended, another one began, such was the way of life.

Author's Note

Flamingo is a bird brain.

Glory

“It’s just us again,” Tarnished Teapot said to Maud as he moved closer to her. He gazed into her eyes, smiled, and then, lifting his hoof, he booped Maud on the nose. “Are you ready to continue on our adventure?”

After staring into Tarnish’s eyes for a moment, Maud nodded. “Time to go look at rocks. Lots of rocks.” The grey earth pony glanced at the wagon and then back at Tarnish. “You know, Tarnish.”

“Yeah?” Tarnish blinked while he waited for Maud to continue.

“You did pretty good with Grey Owl. You were patient. It made me feel very attracted to you,” Maud said in deadpan that could be described as the opposite of enthusiastic encouragement.

“You think so?” Tarnish asked.

“I just said so,” Maud replied.

“Thanks, Maud.” Tarnish leaned in a little closer. “One day we’re going to be parents.”

The earth pony made a sharp inhale and her eyes widened somewhat, the only indicators of her reaction to Tarnish’s words. She blinked, her moment of reaction disappearing, and looked into Tarnish’s blue eyes. “You know, something about that scares me more than going into a cave full of spiders.”

“Me too.”

The gorge opened before them, becoming wider in the next section. There were trees down here on the gorge floor along the narrow, winding river. The road became more of a trail than anything else, there were ruts from the occasional wagon, but they were almost nonexistent in a number of places.

Because of the steep rise on either side, the sun only shone down around the noontime hours; the rest of the day the gorge floor remained in the shade. It was a cool place, full of shadows, and moist breezes blowing off of the river. It was a beautiful, but haunting place. The trees were filled with spiderwebs. Seeing them made Tarnish shiver.

As the pair traveled, Tarnish spoke with Twilight Sparkle, telling her everything that had taken place, from meeting Ortzi Goldbeak, to meeting Gorgonzola the dragon, the excursion into the spider cave, the rescue of Grey Owl, and his recovery. They spoke of Tarnish’s realisations, his growth, what he had learned, and Tarnish had told Twilight everything he knew about Flamingo, curious if Twilight could find out more, perhaps asking Princess Celestia. When that long conversation was over, Tarnish talked to his mother through the mirror.

Seeing a sign on the road, the two ponies stopped to have a look.

“Come and see the Glory Hole,” Tarnish read aloud, his eyes reading the somewhat faded letters of the sign. Beside him, he did not see Maud and her wide eyed mouth opened expression. It was a rare moment of seeing shock plainly displayed on Maud’s face, and Tarnish missed it. By the time he turned to look at her, she had recovered. He turned back to the side. “Hey Maud, wanna visit the Glory Hole, whatever that is?”

Maud let out a little gasp and realised that Tarnish, in his naïveté, had no idea what a glory hole was. She blinked at her husband, both treasuring his innocence and marvelling at just how little he knew sometimes. She only knew about it because of listening to her fellow university students and their sometimes disgusting conversations.

“Come on Maud, let’s go and check out this Glory Hole place,” Tarnish begged. He pointed at the trail leading off of the road. “Come on, it’s almost noon, I bet the Glory Hole would be a great place to stop and eat some lunch. We can go and get stuffed.”

Tail swishing, Maud wished that Tarnish would stop saying ‘Glory Hole.’ Somepony had horrible taste in names. Maud sighed, feeling hot and flustered. Tarnish was almost foal-like in his enthusiasm, bouncing around, and making puppydog eyes at her.

“Very well Tarnish, we shall go and visit the Glory Hole together,” Maud said, cringing on the inside even as she said it. She endured a very slobbery kiss on the cheek as a form of thanks and she watched Tarnish through narrowed eyes.

Tarnish waggled his eyebrows. “I’m going to kiss you by the Glory Hole.”

The Glory Hole, as it turned out, was a natural spring that trickled down from the ravine wall, filling a basin lined with blue stones. Somepony had gone through the trouble of making the basin, a place for the water to collect. The water, so clean and pure, was a natural mirror, reflecting the cloudy sky overhead and the forest all around, making it look as though there was a second world waiting just beneath the surface of the water. Somepony had left a faded wooden sign just a few yards away from the pool, and the words ‘please keep clean’ had been scratched into the wood of the sign.

As Maud started to unhitch from the wagon, Tarnish surprised her with a kiss, leaving her flustered as she thought about the words he had said earlier. She looked around, realising that this was a good place to camp. There was water, there was a firepit some distance away from the spring, and there was an outcropping of rock about ten yards from where she stood that made for a good makeshift cover in the event of a storm.

Butterflies flittered around the glen, wildflowers grew along the ground, shrubs and berry thickets grew along the ravine wall. Grasshoppers lept away from Tarnish’s hooves as he explored, looking around, examining several plants.

“It’s like a hole made of sky!” Tarnish shouted as he passed the pool, looking down as he went. “Oh look, raspberries!”

Reaching the edge of the pool, Maud looked down, seeing herself, seeing sky, seeing clouds, and seeing the sun in the smooth surface of the water. With the blue rocks, there was white sand filling the stone basin. The water smelled sweet. Curious, Maud returned to the wagon, jumped up inside, opened up a trunk, and pulled out the Explorer’s Hoofbook of Equestria.

Sitting down, she opened the guide, looking through the index, looking for an entry. Under the ‘G’ listings, she found what she was looking for. Glory Hole, The. She saw the page number, flipped the book open, and began to read the entry.

After skimming about the warnings that this place was not to be confused by cruisy restrooms and wagonstop bathrooms, Maud slowed down and focused on the listing, curious about this place and it’s natural beauty.

It seemed that the Glory Hole was created by Princess Celestia herself when she had been out exploring. The site was over six hundred years old, the water was safe to drink, and the area had aversion spells cast upon it to keep predatory creatures away, giving shelter to all those who stopped. Lore said that water flowed from the rocks after Princess Celestia had touched her horn to it, and the water bears a faint magical signature.

At the bottom, there was a footnote stating that sometimes Princess Luna can be found here at night or just before dawn, after hunting monsters located in the Ghastly Gorge. Maud closed the book, placed it back in the trunk, and then shut the trunk lid. Lifting her head, she saw Tarnish using his telekinesis to pick raspberries from the thicket and placing them in his pith helmet.

Leaping down out of the wagon, Maud went over to where Tarnish was and sat down in the cool grass so she could watch him pick his bounty of berries. A lone butterfly, braver than the others, fluttered over and landed upon Maud’s nose. She stared at it, cross eyed, not knowing what sort of butterfly it was. It had blue and yellow wings and a bright green body. After a moment, it fluttered away, and Maud uncrossed her eyes so she could watch it as it departed.

“I want to stay here for the rest of the day… and spend the night here,” Maud said.

“Mmm hmm,” Tarnish hummed.

“This will be a nice place to dance.”

The sun was hidden behind the rise of the gorge, the sky was orange and all of the colours of sunset. It was cool, far cooler than it had been in a while, and the humidity was low, so the air wasn’t sticky.

Maud opened her eyes, yawned, rose, and stretched. At some point, she had fallen asleep while reading. She looked around, wondering where Tarnish was, and then spotted him some distance away, looking at something. She shook herself, trying to rid herself of the sleepy feeling from her nap, and then took off at a trot to check out what Tarnish was doing.

“Be careful Maud,” Tarnish said as Maud drew near. He lifted his hoof and pointed at a patch of purple flowers. Not far from the violets there appeared to be a puddle of jam. “Vomiting Violets. I, uh, discovered them quite by accident.” Tarnish paused. “Did you know that red raspberries look just like blood and guts when you puke them up?”

“Ugh.” Maud sat down beside Tarnish and noticed that he had a sketchbook. He had drawn the vomiting violets. The sketch was a little crude, but it was serviceable enough. He just needed practice.

“I’ve been wondering… I know that poison joke can be weaponised, but I’m curious if there is some way vomiting violets can be useful as weapon.” Tarnish blinked. “Prolly not though. The extract would have to be stored in a container, and in a conflict, the dust or whatever would also be a danger to me. Still, it’s an idea though.”

“Ew.” Maud shook her head. “No Tarnish, no making barf bombs.” She heard Tarnish giggle, no doubt from her words, and she loved him, perhaps because of his immaturity. “If we get in trouble, you have that sword and I can throw rocks. We don’t need to deal with vomit.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Tarnish said. “Did you have a nice nap?”

“I’m all rested up for tonight,” Maud replied.

Author's Note

Glorious.

Twinkle time tango

“Tarnish, you have to hold me tighter,” Maud said as she slid her hoof down Tarnish’s spine and pulled his hips closer to her. “We sleep together. We make love… we just made love… it’s okay if we’re close.”

Flexing his hips, Tarnish followed Maud’s lead. Overhead, the stars twinkled. He gave Maud a wink, waggled his ears, and gave her fetlock a squeeze with his. They stood belly to belly, almost hoof to hoof, fetlock in fetlock, and each of them had a foreleg around the other.

“Now, when I lift up and move my hoof, you lift your hoof and move with me. Step where I step, but don’t step on me.” Maud took a step backwards, pulling Tarnish with her, and she felt his leg brush up against hers. She took three steps backwards, nodding as Tarnish kept pace with her, and then moved in synch with Tarnish when he took three steps backwards. She felt the foreleg around her middle give her a squeeze. “Dip me.”

“Maud, I’m always afraid I’ll drop you… like I’ve already done.” Tarnish winced and gave Maud a halfhearted dip, his foreleg around the small of her back, leaning her over backwards a bit. She was heavy, oh howdy she was heavy, but Tarnish would never say so aloud. It was amazing that she floated the way she did in the water.

“That was not a dip,” Maud said as she hefted Tarnish around. She dipped him, tilting him over until his upper half was perpendicular to the ground below. At least his hoofwork was getting better. Tarnish surprised her with a spin and when it was over, she leaned against him.

Straining, Tarnish gave Maud a better dip, almost tipping her over to the point where she was level. He felt his back straining and his hocks burning as he struggled to hold her up and keep his balance. He was sweating now, even though the night was cool. As he danced with Maud, fireflies bobbed in the air around them, providing light and atmosphere.

“Hmm, I think Mama would be proud.” Maud lifted Tarnish a bit, whirled him around, and then went skipping off sideways to see if Tarnish could keep up. She felt his hooves bumping up against hers a few times, and their hocks touched more than once, but Tarnish took the unexpected sideways strut rather well.

“Slow, slow, fast, fast, to the left, to the right, to the left, to the right, seductive look, dip,” Tarnish said in a low voice, speaking to himself.

“What?” Maud felt herself pulled back in a slow movement, then pulled forward, also slow, then a fast step back, with one of Tarnish’s hooves stepping right in between hers. Then there was a fast step forwards, with Tarnish pulling her along, a sidestep to the left, a sidestep to the right, another step to the left, then one to the right, and then, Maud saw Tarnish give her a saucy, seductive look. She inhaled, sucking in a deep breath, and then she was dipped. It was almost perfect.

When Tarnish pulled her up, Maud felt a quick peck on the lips and a tight squeeze. Then, she was let go and Tarnish dropped down on all fours. She joined him, amazed by his little display of skill. The practice was paying off. She could see the light of the fireflies reflected in his blue eyes.

“What kind of dancing was that again?” Tarnish sat down in the grass and gave Maud a smile. He shook his head, causing his ears to flop around, and then scratched his left foreleg with his right foreleg.

“That was a simplified tango. And you were pretty good at it.” Maud also sat down in the grass, unable to look away from Tarnish. Something had changed. While Tarnish could be a little shy sometimes, he was developing confidence. Raising an eyebrow, Maud watched as Tarnish dropped over and rolled in the grass, rubbing his withers and his croup over the ground while kicking his legs in the air. He snorted as he thrashed around and then went still, his legs all splayed out in different directions. She couldn’t help herself, she loved him during these moments. Letting out a contented sigh, Maud flopped down in the grass to be with him.

“This is a rumba box step. Forward, shimmy to the right, hooves together, back, shimmy to the left, move those hooves, and shake those hips. Move around, forming an invisible box,” Maud instructed as she pulled Tarnish through the steps. “When I move my right hoof, you have to move your left hoof… stay with me.”

Tarnish looked down, he and Maud were not belly to belly, and he tried to keep his hooves moving in time with hers. She shimmied as she moved, Maud could be a graceful pony when she wanted to be, and it made his heart race to watch her.

“Hoof up on my shoulder, you keep letting it slip,” Maud said. “Now come a little closer, Lovercolt.” She pulled Tarnish close, but not too close, so he could continue to look at his own hooves if he needed to do so. He was damp and sweaty, she could feel it when they touched. “The rumba is all about fluid movement.”

“I had no idea that there were so many dances.” Tarnish looked into Maud’s turquoise eyes. “This is wonderful.”

“Some ponies read books, other ponies dance.” Maud moved with Tarnish, taking him through the rumba box step in a slow, methodical manner. “Growing up outside of the big city, there isn’t much to do. Ponies in the city can go and watch a movie or something.” Maud paused, checking Tarnish’s hoofwork. “But for four little fillies growing up on a rock farm, we had to find our own fun.”

“I could dance with you like this forever,” Tarnish said, pulling Maud closer and slipping into a tango. He ground his hips against her, shook them from side to side, and then gave Maud another dipping.

“At some point, I think we’d need music,” Maud said as Tarnish pulled her back up.

Maud allowed Tarnish to give her a twirl, and then, giving him a smouldering stare, Maud fell backwards into the grass, pulled Tarnish down on top of her. She looked up, seeing starry sky framed around Tarnish’s face, and then, taken by the moment, she gave him a slow, lingering kiss, allowing her lips to dance over his.

There was another dance that Maud had in mind.

“Hullo?”

Startled, Tarnish almost dropped his teacup. He looked around as he sloshed hot tea over himself. He grumbled and heard faint laughter. He glanced at Maud, who was also looking around.

“Thou art—” The voice paused for a moment and Tarnish heard the sound of a throat being cleared. “Ahem, the both of you are up very late… or perhaps very early.”

A blue earth pony approached. She was difficult to see in the darkness, but Tarnish could make her out. She was blue, a dark shade of blue, and her mane was a lighter shade of blue. Her saddlebags bounced against her sides as she approached.

“Pardon us, we’re not used to strangers at this hour,” Tarnish said as he gestured at the fire. “Have a seat, Miss…”

“Oh, my name is… is Mellonella Moth and I am most pleased to meet you.” The earth pony mare sat down beside the fire, smiling. Her light blue mane was very, very long and it spilled around her neck, withers, even dangling down near her forelegs.

“My name is Tarnished Teapot. This is Maud Pie,” Tarnish said as he studied his guest. “We were just having a bit of tea, a bite to eat, and thinking about getting a little sleep.”

“Huzzah… thou hast been up—” Mellonella paused and let out a polite cough. “Excuse me. I take it this means that thou, er, you have been enjoying the night and all of its wonders?”

“I’ve been teaching my husband how to dance.” Maud glanced at the strange earth pony and then took a sip of her tea. “We like being out beneath the stars. It’s our special time.”

“Huzzah, two ponies who doth so love the night!” Mellonella’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth with one dainty, yet somehow solid looking hoof. “Oh dear, do forgive mine enthusiasm.”

“Would you care for some tea?” Tarnish asked. “It is a very unique blend.” He saw Mellonella’s eyes narrow for a moment and she looked at him. Something felt out of place, but she seemed friendly enough, if a little weird.

“That is a most peculiar sword.” Mellonella pointed at Tarnish’s saddlebags. “Very few ponies have swords. No hands, you see, makes it difficult to swing such a weapon.”

“Miss Moth, would you care for some tea?” Maud asked as her eyes darted over to look at Tarnish.

“Oh, yes please, it would pleaseth me greatly,” Mellonella replied.

Lifting the teapot, Tarnish poured some out into a cup. He smiled. “We have sugarcubes and tinned milk, if you would like them. There is also a bit of honey left.”

“Hmm, two sugars.” Mellonella watched as Tarnish lifted out two sugarcubes and dropped them into a crude teacup, the sort of teacup one might expect to find with civilised, but practical explorers. When the tea was passed to her, she took it in hoof, smiled, and nodded her head. “Many thanks, Mister Teapot.”

“We have some leftover macaroni and cheese.” Maud’s eyes glanced down at the pan with a lid over it by the fire.

“Oh, thank you, but I am fine.” Mellonella looked around the camp and then focused on the two ponies in front of her. “I do so very much appreciate your hospitality.”

“So, if you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing out this late?” Tarnish asked.

“Oh, I doth travel by night. ‘Tis cooler this way.” Mellonella’s smile broadened. “I much prefer the night overall. The day is far too harsh.” The blue mare lifted up her teacup, sniffed, closed her eyes, and sighed.

Tarnish watched his guest’s eyes open and she took a sip of tea. He was curious about her interest in his sword, but he said nothing, not wishing to be rude. He supposed that a lot of ponies would probably be interested in his sword, once he got back to civilisation, and that he should get used to the questions now.

“Wouldst thou mind if I stayed with thee when the sun rises?” Mellonella blinked, looking a little sleepy, and then took another sip of her tea.

Tarnish saw the mare blush. She spoke in an odd way and seemed self conscious about it. He glanced at Maud and saw Maud nod. He looked at his odd visitor. “That would be fine. We don’t mind the company.”

“Thank you… I have traveled far this night and I ran into a most cantankerous owlbear. He gave me no end of trouble, but I eluded him and led him on a merry chase, leading him away from the road.” Mellonella took another sip of tea, nodded, and then looked down into her teacup. “This is very good… what is it?”

“Poison joke,” Maud replied in deadpan.

Mellonella Moth coughed and almost dropped her teacup, sloshing tea upon herself.

Author's Note

I bet the two of them dancing would make for a cute picture.

Crossing over

Moving with a great deal of stealth, the blue earth pony moved about the camp in the early hours of dawn. She moved with quiet grace, her hooves making no sound, as she did not want to awaken her sleeping hosts.

Standing next to Tarnish’s saddlebags, she blinked and a blue bubble appeared around her. Then, the sword was pulled from its sheath. She did this without a horn, somehow making magic.

“Private Flamingo?” Mellonella Moth looked at the sword, her eyes wide, and her tail swishing. Her eyes perked up when she heard a yawning sound coming from the sword. Mellonella, impatient, gave the sword a shake. “Private Flamingo?”

“Commander? Is that you?”

Mellonella looked very surprised. “It is you… how did you become a sword?”

“I’m a sword?” Flamingo asked. “I thought I was a pegasus.”

The earth pony sighed. Just as bright as ever. She wondered if the sword had a dull blade. Mellonella stared at the weapon, admiring its design. “Private Flamingo, art thou still fit for duty?”

“Commander… I’m… I dunno… I’m kinda sleepy actually, can we do duty later?” Flamingo replied. The sword made another yawning sound.

Ugh. The featherbrained pink pegasus had never been all that bright, but she had been loyal to a fault. It was getting her to follow orders that was difficult. “Private Flamingo, thou art to protect my friend—”

“Mister Rusty Teakettle?” The sword bobbed up and down.

“Tarnished Teapot and his lovely wife, Maud Pie. Keep them safe,” Mellonella commanded in a forceful whisper.

“Oh, I planned to do that.” The sword paused for a moment, flashed pink, and then bobbed some more. “He’s honourable. He’s also very nice. I like him. He’s kinda handsome. I wonder if he’s married?”

Gritting her teeth, Mellonella sighed. The Knights Who Say Neigh had been a special collection of washouts, idiots, and dolts. A real test of patience. A real pain in the plot. “If thou lookest after them, thou art due for a promotion in rank.”

“Really?” Flamingo’s voice was filled with cheerful surprise. “Wait, wait… what about blood?”

“Blood?” Mellonella felt her patience slipping.

“Blood is icky. Icky things are… well... icky.” The sword waved it self around. “And the dark. I don’t like the dark. The dark is full of scary things. The dark scares me.”

A faint, soft growl could be heard in Mellonella’s throat. “Private Flamingo…”

“Right, right, sorry Commander.” The sword cleared its throat, an amazing trick because it didn’t have one. “Guard Mister Rusty Teakettle and… and… um…”

“Maud Pie,” Mellonella said.

“Oh no, I don’t like mud… that’s right up there with blood, and both of them rhyme. See, as a pegasus, I avoid the ground and mud is right out and—”

“Private Flamingo!” Mellonella squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and her whole body shook. “Guard the nice unicorn and his earth pony companion. Also, protect anypony that travels with them. Dost thou understand?”

“Um, yes?”

Snarling with frustration, Mellonella slammed the blade back into its sheath and then set it down with Tarnish’s saddlebags. She glanced around, her eyes blazing with an inner light, and then lifted Tarnish’s magic mirror out of his bags.

“Helianthus, this is Mellonella, where art thou?” the earth pony said into the mirror.

“Mellonella, I am here,” a voice in the mirror replied. “Remember your speech lessons.”

“I have found Private Flamingo. There is no mistaking that it is her. She is still, hmm, how do they say it in the commoner’s parlance… a braindead twit? It is as Twilight Sparkle said. Mister Teapot’s sword used to be a pegasus. I have given her instructions to protect Mister Teapot and his wife, Mrs. Pie.”

There was a long pause before the mirror replied, “How does a pegasus with a good heart become a sword? No matter, we’ll try to investigate that later. How are Mister Teapot and Mrs. Pie taking to life on the road?”

“I found a very messy spider cave,” Mellonella replied as she peered into the mirror to look at a white figure staring back at her. “I also spoke with a dragon named Gorgonzola.” The blue earth pony paused. “Which reminds me, thou art due for company. I have sent Gorgonzola to Canterlot.”

“Ooh… this is exciting… I do so love keeping an eye on the explorers who brave the wilds of Equestria. Their courageous hearts remind me of dear old friends.” The voice in the mirror sniffled a little. “I miss them… I miss them terribly. They braved the wilds looking for a new home.”

“Helianthus, please, do not start to cry—”

“Too late.” There was a loud snort followed by the sounds of somepony blowing their nose, and then more snorting, followed by sniffling. A faint sobbing could be heard through the mirror. “I miss my friends. All of them. It hurts.”

Sighing, Mellonella’s sides heaved like a blacksmith’s bellows. “They do not live as long as we do… hang on Helianthus, I am coming home.”

Blinking his bleary eyes, Tarnish had a look around. He yawned, wondering what time it was, and then felt the soreness in his hind legs. Too much dancing. He got up, stretched, heard his spine crackle, and then gave himself a good shake.

“She’s gone.”

“Oh?” Tarnish smacked his lips together. He was thirsty.

“She’s gone. She left behind her saddlebags and a note.”

“Hmm?” Tarnish looked around. He peered upwards and reasoned that it was close to noon. It was nice and cool for being a summer day. It would be a good day to travel, bringing them closer to their goal. “Note?”

“Thank you for being good hosts. To express my gratitude, I give you my saddlebags and all the goods therein. Thank you for being good ponies, always remember to be kind,” Maud read aloud from the paper beside her. “There is also a postscript that says to keep dancing and enjoy the stars.”

“Oh.” Tarnish heard his belly rumble, threatening to implode if something was not eaten soon. “So, uh, what’s in the saddlebags?”

“Luna~Colas, Moon Cakes with Night Nougat, some Constellation Critters animal crackers, which are really a cookie and I don’t understand why they call them crackers, and a few boxes of Cosmic Crackers.” Maud paused. “Which are actual crackers. I’ve been eating the crackers. They’re good. Salty. I like the spicy garden vegetable flavour.”

“Mmm, breakfast.” His mouth watered at the idea of an ice cold Luna~Cola.

“Mellonella was a strange pony. I hope we see her again,” Maud said.

The road had an uphill sort of feel to it. Tarnish could sense that now. They were gaining elevation. The river flowed downhill, heading towards Froggy Bottom Bogg, so Tarnish supposed that it made sense that he was going up an incline. The wagon creaked a bit more now. Soon, it would be time to grease everything again. Tarnish knew how to do it too, having paid attention when Igneous had shown him a few basic tips for wagon maintenance.

Travel was now such a simple thing it seemed. Tarnish understood Maud’s needs. Every so often, he would levitate his canteen up for Maud to drink. It was easier for Maud this way, much easier than having to stop the wagon, unhitch, head for the water barrel, get a drink, get hitched again, and start pulling. Today, not only did Tarnish give Maud water, but crackers as well, which seemed to make Maud happy. While there were no outward visible signs of happiness, such as a smile, Tarnish had ways of knowing.

Such as Maud’s promise of happy husband hugs later when they stopped.

The pair stopped when they reached a sign that said, “Switchbacks, right. Ahead, quarray eels. Maud looked at Tarnish, then back at the sign. She heaved a sigh and then began to unhitch herself.

“I guess we’ll be taking the switchbacks,” Tarnish said, not looking forward to quarray eels. Sensing something was amiss, he looked around, but didn’t see anything. Maud was now sitting on a rock, staring off at the switchbacks in the distance.

“Um, something is wrong.” Tarnish began to feel kinda stupid.

“Yup. We’re on the east side of the river. The switchbacks on are the west side.” Maud lifted a rock, hefted it in her hoof, and then sent it skipping across the river.

“There is no bridge.” Feeling stupid for certain now, Tarnish said nothing else.

“No bridge. It’s gone. It seems as though it has been washed out.” Maud skipped another stone. “Magic sword or no, the quarray eels will eat us. Which means we must cross the river.”

“Oh bother.” Tarnish began to wonder how they would do that. The river wasn’t too deep, but it was swift and full of rocks. “How do we do that?”

“Well, hmm.” Maud fell silent, leaving Tarnish fretful and wondering. After some time, she shrugged. “You know what, it isn’t so bad, because you’re here with me. If I was alone, would it would have meant carrying everything across one thing at a time and then hauling the wagon over, pulling it through the river. But you can help me move stuff… in fact, you can keep everything dry, which is something I might not have been able to do on my own.”

“I’ll get right on it… you… you just sit there and rest. Pulling the wagon through swift, flowing water is going to be hard work.” Tarnish trotted to the back of the wagon, looked around, and made a plan. There were trunks, supply boxes, gear boxes, sample boxes, a spare set of saddlebags, all manner of stuff. It was time for a magical workout.

“You… you’re like the best husband ever,” Maud blinked at Tarnish, her ears splayed out sideways. “I get to sit here on a warm rock and watch you while you get wet… mmm, this is turning out pretty good so far. I think I’ll get a box of crackers.”

Hefting up a trunk, figuring he would take care of the heaviest things first, Tarnish made his way to the river’s edge. He stopped, trying to figure out the best path through the river. It wasn’t too deep, but the stones were bound to be slippery and the water was fast.

He set down the trunk on the ground, unhitched his saddlebags, set them down, and placed his pith helmet atop them. He lifted the trunk again, puffed out his cheeks, and plunged into the river. He wondered where the bridge went. In no time, he was up to his neck in water. The wagon was going to fill with water, making it difficult to pull. Tarnish wondered if Maud would be able to do it. Reaching the other side, a waterlogged Tarnish pulled himself up on shore and then set down the trunk on a flat patch of ground.

One down, many more to go.

“Okay Tarnish, pay attention, this is important.” Maud placed her hoof under her husband’s chin and lifted his head so she could look into his blue eyes. He had some nougat on his lips. “The empty wagon is going to float a bit. You’re going to need to tie yourself to the back of the wagon and mind the back end so the water doesn’t pull it away and me with it. I’ve done this on my own, but this is safer.”

“Oh… I think I understand.” Tarnish nodded. “The front end is anchored with you, but the back end could get lifted up and carried with the current.” Tarnish’s eyes widened. “That does sound dangerous.”

“You are not an earth pony, which has me worried. Your hooves aren’t like ours. If the wagon starts to lift away, I’m afraid that you could get tugged along with it, and maybe slammed into rocks. So be careful. I’ll be hitched in, so I will not be able to save you.” Maud tapped her hoof beneath Tarnish’s chin, a soft, tender gesture of affection.

“Eh, we’ll be fine.” Tarnish gave Maud a smile.

Author's Note

It literally means sunflower.

Becoming a unicorn

The water crossing, while tricky, was nowhere as difficult as Tarnished Teapot had feared that it would be. He found out that, much to his surprise, he could ‘nudge’ the back of the wagon with his telekinesis and keep the wagon from misbehaving in the water. In the deepest part of the river, the wagon floated due to fine construction and all of the wooden planks of the bed being well fitted to one another.

On the other side of the river, Tarnish began to realise that the trouble was only beginning and that Maud, being the stoic that she was, had said nothing of the real trouble. As Maud gave a final tug to lift the wagon up the steep shore, Tarnish wondered how Maud was going to get a five hundred pound wagon and six hundred pounds of gear up the steep switchbacks. He gave the wagon a ‘shove’ with his telekinesis while eyeing the switchbacks.

Maud, for all of her impressive, even fantastical strength, was still a pony. The switchbacks were at the steepest grade that Tarnish had seen yet on the trip. The road looped back on itself more than a dozen times before reaching the top of the gorge wall.

“Maud, tell me the truth, this switchback, it’s not made for wagons, is it?” Tarnish asked as the pair both stood recovering on the far side of the river. Tarnish heard a sigh and then saw Maud look at him, her face almost expressionless.

“Tarnish, it’s meant for carts. Like, two wheel carts.” Maud turned her head and looked at the switchback. “But I think I can do it. I’ve made similar trips up steep grades before.”

“So… one of those little two wheeled carts that maybe weigh two or three hundred pounds with the cart and all the gear?” Tarnish bit down on his lip for a moment, his expression anxious, and then he shook his head. “Nope. Maud, you can be mad at me, but as your husband, I’m putting my hoof down. You’re not pulling this wagon loaded down with gear up that switchback.”

Ears perking, Maud turned her head to look at her husband. “Hoof down you say… then how do you propose that we get our gear up to the top of the gorge?”

“The wagon weighs about five hundred pounds by itself, which is quite a bit… it is going to have to go up the switchbacks unloaded. You’re going to have to pull and I’ll be right behind, shoving the wagon along with my telekinesis, trying to offer as much help as I can. You’ll still be doing most of the physical work. Once we get the wagon to the top, I’ll start carrying our stuff up the switchbacks, carrying as much as I can, and taking as many trips as necessary while you rest.”

Maud shook her head. “As your wife, I’m putting my hoof down.” Maud’s eyes narrowed somewhat and her ears splayed out sideways. “There is no way that you are hauling six hundred pounds of gear up the side of a ravine by yourself. Don’t be stupid, the mental strain will be just as bad as the physical strain. After we get the wagon up the switchbacks, we’ll both rest for a while and then we’ll haul stuff up together. You can load stuff up on my back and secure it with rope.” Maud’s ears stood up and she stared at her husband.

“Yeah… okay, but the trunks are mine to deal with. There is no way that you can carry one of those trunks on your back in a comfortable way and haul it up the switchbacks. We’ll figure out what to do with everything else.” Reaching up, Tarnish adjusted his pith helmet, gave himself a shake because he was still soaking wet from being in the river, and then sucked in a deep breath. His cheeks bulged as he held his breath and studied the steep grade. He let his held breath slip out in a lip flapping raspberry.

Walking up to Maud, he kissed her on the cheek.

The empty wagon was still heavy. Tarnished Teapot had counted a total of thirteen switchbacks and he estimated the height of the ravine wall to be about ninety feet, maybe more, with the potential of being around a hundred feet. Each section of switchback was about thirty to forty feet. After that, his calculations failed, as he didn’t know how to calculate grades, having not paid attention or finished school.

The only real conclusions that Tarnish could reach was that it was steep and that he was about to get an education dealing with the world around him the hard way. He took a long swig of water, passed his canteen to Maud, watched her drink, and then jammed the stopper back in.

“Ready?” Tarnish asked.

“Time to pony up,” Maud replied.

The earth pony took off at a steady pace, neither fast nor slow, her head down low as she leaned into her harness, her tail swishing from side to side. Tarnish moved behind the wagon, enveloping the rear of the wagon in the bright blue glow of his magic.

“The wagon feels lighter,” Maud said as she hit the first incline, her hooves thudding on the packed dirt. “I don’t think this will be that bad.” Maud leaned a little more into her harness and her ears pitched forwards, as if they were pointing out which direction Maud would go.

The wagon moved at a breakneck crawl, inching up the steep incline as the two ponies laboured to keep it moving. Maud, who had a body shaped by hard labour, found the exercise enjoyable. This was a test of her abilities, her strength, her endurance, and her resolve. For Tarnish, this was a test of everything he had learned from his study of magic, reading his primers, and the copious amounts of advice as well as the many notes written by Twilight Sparkle.

It was not flashy magic, or advanced wizardry, or glitzy-glammy spells. It was not the sort of impressive magic that a unicorn would cast to make a name for themselves. It was practical magic, magic intended to ease hard labour, it was magic intended to assist in drudgery. It was magic that would never make a crowd ‘ooh’ and ‘aah,’ but it was magic that was practical.

Much like his previous experience in the river, Tarnish learned a great deal about managing a heavy load in just a few minutes, as there was nothing better than actually doing something in order to learn. He had to push over a wide area of force in equal measure, otherwise, he would push the wagon off in one direction or another. He had to spread out his telekinetic field over a wide area, and making certain that everything had the equivalent amount of force placed everywhere was far more difficult than he imagined. The rear of the wagon veered to the left or to the right as he kept overcompensating.

For one fearful moment, Tarnish worried that he might be making this harder for Maud, but rather than panic, his fear made him double down upon his efforts. He spread his telekinesis out over a wide area, extending out past the sides of the wagon, forming a solid barrier of force for the backside of the wagon to rest up against. As he continued up the incline, he imagined a brick wall, flat, a moving brick wall that the wagon could rest against, and then he focused on pushing. He could feel the strain in his horn, beneath his horn, and down into his brain. His ears slumped, splaying out at first, but then collapsing completely and coming to rest against the sides of his face.

They rounded the first corner of the switchback and Tarnish threw even more of himself into his telekinetic field, feeling his way along, making minute improvements and adjustments. One hoof in front of the other, he kept moving forward, projecting a flat barrier of force in front of him, an imaginary brick wall that kept the wagon from rolling backwards and helped to push it forwards.

There was an annoying tickle as sweat began to trickle down Tarnish’s neck, but he did not let it distract him. He kept his focus as he began to sweat all over, perspiring from his intense effort. Tarnish’s magic, which could have been described in a metaphorical sense as ‘fat, lazy, and out of shape’ was now developing into something greater. His training had begun on the Pie family rock farm and now, now his many hours of hard work were showing some results.

It was during his climb up the second switchback that Tarnish developed his second natural spell, a clear understanding of it forming in his mind. It was not a special spell unique to him, but it was a spell that had burned its way into Tarnish’s brain, giving him much understanding into its nature and how to apply it. ‘The Wall’ spell, as Tarnish would come to call it, was infinitely useful, both as a means to push objects along or to use as a portable barrier to keep things away. If Tarnish tooted his steam whistle, he could pass himself off as a steam powered bulldozer.

When Tarnish and Maud crested the top of the switchbacks, Tarnish felt a weary, exhausted, feeling of elation, a profound sense of joy that he had no means to express. It wasn’t just because he had helped to push the wagon up the switchbacks, it wasn’t just because he had accomplished something difficult, but rather, it was a feeling, a sense of knowledge that he had grown. He was fulfilling his purpose as a unicorn, something he hadn’t done much of during his life, and it made him feel wonderful that he had just done something with his magic. He suffered one awkward thought about talking to Maud about being an earth pony with a horn, of not being in touch with his own tribe, but then the thought slipped his mind. He felt too good to suffer embarrassment.

He hit the brakes on the wagon, locking the wheels, pulled out his canteen, yanked off the stopper, and had a long drink. He passed it to Maud after she was done unhitching herself, holding it so she could have a long drink, and he could see her eyes glancing at him as she guzzled down most of what was left in the canteen.

Sides heaving, her body and her smock soaked with sweat, Maud sat down. She closed her eyes and took many deep breaths, long, slow, steady deep breaths. Tarnish sat down beside her, stoppered his canteen, then pulled it from around his neck and tossed it aside in the grass. He didn’t want anything heavy on him at the moment.

“I gotta be honest,” Maud said, panting somewhat. “I don’t think I would have made it up those switchbacks with a full wagon. I might have made it up a few, but then I would have had to rest and recover on one of the turn abouts before continuing. It might have taken me several days to make it up those switchbacks by myself if I was travelling alone, or I might have had to go back and find another way up.”

Tarnish did not reply, but flopped over on the road, laying on his side for a moment before rolling over onto his back. His tongue lolled out as he too, panted from overexertion. As he looked up into the sunny blue sky, his sense of accomplishment turned to euphoria.

Author's Note

I really liked writing this chapter. It touches on how much Tarnish has grown and discovered about himself.

Fimfic really does need a coming of age tag.

Anyhow, discuss below. Maybe share a bit of coming of age wisdom.

How is a pegasus like a writing desk?

How is a pegasus like a writing desk?

There was quite a view at the top of the gorge. The entire ravine lay spread out beneath. Sweeping vistas, epic landscapes, a view to remember. Tarnished Teapot snapped a picture of the scenery, and of his wife as well, who stood near the edge. The picture, taken at a perfect moment, captured Maud when the wind gusted, blowing her somewhat curly mane and tail. She had her nose lifted a bit, her jawline and her neck created a beautiful curve that Tarnish found appealing. He wanted to run his snoot from her chin down to her chest scruffle, the little whorl she had on her chest where the different grains of her pelt met together, leaving little kisses along the way. To do that, he would have to pull off her smock first… which was easy enough to do. He snapped another picture, hoping to capture this perfect pose. She was like a graceful, beautiful statue.

The wind, which gusted, howled as it climbed up out of the ravine, and there was the barest suggestion of chill in the wind, just enough to leave a hint that summer was waning and that fall would be here soon.

“I feel like a mare,” Maud said as she continued to gaze at the beautiful scenery.

“You’ve been a mare the whole time I’ve known you,” Tarnish replied, chuckling as he did so. He set down the camera, stowing it away back inside of its storage container, and then walked to Maud’s side.

“No… something is different.” Maud shook her head. She lifted up her left hoof and scratched at her right front leg’s elbow. “You’re pretty funny though.”

“What’s different?” Tarnish, feeling affectionate, nosed Maud’s neck.

“I got married. I traveled with my husband. I’ve faced dangerous weather. I’ve helped strangers. I battled a hydra. I had to deal with the idea of losing you when you got petrified. I must confess, that unnerved me a great deal.” Maud paused, took a deep breath, and then continued: “I went into a cave infested with spiders because you went into a cave infested with spiders. I helped more strangers. I nursed you back to health. I’ve been teaching you how to dance. I’ve been watching you as you learn. I tested my strength and my endurance… and found that I was even stronger than I thought I was, but I think it was because I had you with me. You give me strength. I think I’ve grown as a pony, and I feel like a mare.”

Eyebrows furrowing, Tarnish stood there, pondering Maud’s words, and thinking about how much he had grown. He had started off on this journey as an angry colt, forced out of Ponyville. Now he was here with the most perfect mate that he could hope for. “Our time together has only just started.”

“I wonder what we’ll be like twenty years from now. I keep thinking about my mother and my father. They love one another a great deal. I think about my family. I’m wondering how Marble is doing with Sonneur. Is she happy? I wonder if Limestone will find love. I am still wondering who Pinkie is seeing, because she won’t tell me. I want my family to grow larger. I want to know that they are happy. And I want us to be a part of that. A part of me wants to go home right now. Another part of me is disappointed with myself because I know I won’t. We have work to do and going home will have to wait.”

“I’m thinking that twenty years from now, our foals will be grown up, or almost grown up. I think you’ll be a famous, respected professor of some kind. I don’t know what I’ll be.” Tarnish shrugged as he continued speaking: “You and I might be an aunt and an uncle. We might even be grandparents at that point. The only thing I know for certain is that after twenty years with you, I’ll be a damn fine dancer. It’s the only real long term plan I have.”

“I love you,” Maud said, glancing at Tarnish as she said it.

“Eh, I love you more,” Tarnish replied. “I’m going to fix dinner. We’ve had a long day. You should come and rest your legs. I don’t even know how you are standing.”

“I am The Rock...”

“Well hello there… don’t be shy, we don’t mind sharing our fire,” Tarnish said as he looked at his guest. The setting sun illuminated the brown earth pony with the darker brown mane. The earth pony was pulling a small two wheel cart and a bright orange feather was lodged behind his ear.

“I know you,” the pony said, looking at Maud. “You’re Doctor Maud Pie.”

“Yes I am,” Maud replied. She was laying on a blanket by the fire, which was reflected in her half opened yes. “This is my husband, Tarnished Teapot, the Spider Slayer.”

“Um, Maud…” Tarnish’s face split with a sheepish grin.

“My name is Feather Quill. I was sent here to the Ghastly Gorge to study quarray eels and how they bore through stone,” the earth pony replied as he began to unhitch himself. “If I’m not too forward, would you mind if I interviewed you? I mean, for science… there are a number of magazines and science related newspapers that I work with. I once did a fantastic interview with Twilight Sparkle… it was so good that it ended up in the regular newspapers, the ones read by layponies.”

“I am not adverse to giving an interview,” Maud replied as their guest began to settle in. “If you don’t mind me asking, how were the quarray eels?”

“Unpleasant!” Feather quill shuddered and blinked a few times, looking disturbed.

“Care for some tea? Maybe a bite to eat?” Tarnish asked.

“Oh, a bit of civilisation out here in the wilds, that would be lovely,” Feather Quill replied. “I hope it’s no trouble… it’s very kind of you to invite a stranger to stay with you.”

Tarnish shrugged. “It’s kinda what we do.”

Feather Quill held his teacup between his front hooves and inhaled. He looked at his hosts, smiled, and stifled a belch. He was full, he was comfortable, and he was safe. The tea was fantastic. Maud and Tarnish were quite engaging, and it was shaping up to be a nice evening of not getting killed.

“Poison joke tea… you don’t say… I might have to try and get this on a regular basis,” Feather Quill said after he took another sip. “This is divine… I’ve had just about every tea blend that Canterlot has to offer, but this is exquisite.”

“I’m glad you like it.” Tarnish, sitting beside Maud, bowed his head.

“Forgive me my curious nature, but I must know… now that I understand Maud’s purpose on the road and what she hopes to accomplish, what about you, Tarnish? You seem smart enough. Surely you have some goal.” As Feather Quill spoke, a bright orange feather moved over an open notebook, copying down everything that was being said.

“I’d like to be something like a botanist. I’m using the world as my classroom. I don’t know what I will make of myself, but I’ve learned a lot already. I had a very educational encounter with vomiting violets,” Tarnish replied, glancing at the self writing quill as he spoke.

“And is that all you hope to accomplish?” Feather Quill blinked and peered at Tarnish.

“I suppose I’d like to be something of an adventurer as well. Maud and I have talked about it, just a bit. If we can do good deeds or help out strangers, we will. Like with Gorgonzola and Grey Owl. Or Ortzi the griffon… or Quakehoof and Flying Grace.” Tarnish’s gaze fell down into the fire. “I went to Dodge City Junction and I encountered some of the worst ponies you could imagine. That city is awful. And to be fair, it did bad things to me, too. I did some stupid stuff while I was there. After seeing bad ponies… I’ve decided that I want to do more to help the world. So… it’s life on the road with Maud, learning what I can, doing good deeds, and I guess trying to leave my mark upon the world.”

“So you’re saying more ponies should leave home, pack up what they need into a wagon, and hit the road? Take a road trip? See what the road and the world at large has to teach them?” Feather Quill tilted his head off to one side and the scratching of a quill could be heard.

Maud glanced at Tarnish and saw a thoughtful expression on his face.

“Yeah… they should. On the road you’ll never know who you’ll meet. I met a pony named Longhaul. He helped me out. Shared his walnuts with me. He told me to be kind, polite, and respectful.” Tarnish paused and shook his head. “I’d heard those words said to me for most of my life, but coming from him… I guess I was a point in my life where I was receptive to them. They sank in and I took them to heart. They meant something.”

“Hmm.” Feather Quill took a long sip of tea and waited for more words.

“The world has been an excellent classroom for Tarnish… for both of us, actually.” Maud blinked and then let out a sleepy yawn. “But I’ve watched Tarnish grow as a pony. He’s changed. He’s grown in confidence. He’s becoming the pony that I hoped that he could be.”

Blushing Tarnish looked away for a moment, glancing off at the lingering shadows that existed outside of the circle of light created by the campfire. “I think that everypony my age should spend a bit of time on the road. I’m glad that Twilight Sparkle tossed me out of Ponyville. It was the best thing she could have done for me. I’ve had a chance to meet ponies that I would have never have met otherwise. I met my wife. I’ve seen and done things that I can feel proud about, like going into the spider cave with a magical sword. I don’t want to boast about it though. It was just something I did because… well, I guess because it needed to be done and I was there. If it was me trapped inside of the spider cave, I’d want somepony to rescue me. So how could I not do the same? It actually makes me uncomfortable that Maud called me the spider slayer earlier because I don’t want ponies to have some expectations of me… I just did what was right because it needed to be done.”

“Adventurers build reputations though,” Feather Quill said to Tarnish. “Like it or not, Gorgonzola is going to talk and tell stories. Ponies will remember you charging into a spider’s cave and going medieval upon a bunch of eight legged terrors. And she will probably tell this story over and over to anypony willing to listen.”

Tarnish shrugged. “Maybe, but that’s not how I want to be remembered. I’d rather be remembered as the nice pony with a funny hat and a magic sword that glows pink that has a lovely wife and helps ponies… I don’t want ponies coming to me and begging me to help them with their spider problem.”

“I think I understand,” Feather Quill replied. The brown earth pony leaned forwards a bit, closer to the fire, and sipped his tea as his phoenix feather quill continued to write down everything being said.

The fire popped and crackled, sending a shower of sparks up into the night. In the distance, coyotes howled, causing a nearby owl to start hooting. The sound caused three sets of ears to perk.

“I hope those are just coyotes. I do know there are wolves about… both regular wolves and timber wolves… those of the reanimated tree spirit variety.” Feather Quill turned his head and glanced around in the darkness. “Worst part of being on the road alone is that there is no one to guard you while you sleep.”

“I’ll leave Flamingo out of her sheath tonight and give her instructions to guard us. I think she can do that,” Tarnish said. “You could try talking to her, but she’s… kinda… well, you’ll find out soon enough.”

Maud nodded. “I think that’s a good idea.” As Maud spoke, there was more howling.

“I’ve never spoken to a sword before.” Feather Quill glanced at said sword. It was sitting with Tarnish’s saddlebags. “I wonder if I can get some history out of her?”

“You’re welcome to try,” Tarnish replied, grinning. “But she’s more likely to tell you how afraid of the dark she is or how gross and icky spiders are, or how icky blood is.”

“But… she’s a sword… how can she be afraid of the dark? Or blood?” Feather Quill asked.

“Ask her and find out.” After speaking, Maud yawned again. “I think I’m going to turn in. I’m exhausted.”

“Not to be rude, but I think I’ll do the same. We can talk more in the morning.” Tarnish, also yawning, pulled Flamingo from her sheath. “Flamingo, can you guard us?”

“Sure thing Rusty! I guard real good! All I have to do is stand in one spot and scream if I see danger. It’s a little dark though. Can you keep the fire going?” Flamingo floated closer to the fire to be in the light.

“If the fire goes low, wake me up.” Tarnish glanced at his sword. “This is Feather Quill. Keep him company. Try to keep it down though, cause Maud and I will be sleeping.”

“Stand guard, keep company.” Flamingo bobbed in the air as she spoke. “Hello… I’m Flamingo… I’m a pegasus! I’ve never spoke with something you write with before. What is getting dipped in ink like? Clover the Clever once yanked out one of my feathers so she could have something to write with. I got upset with her but she turned off the lights and left me in the dark and that wasn’t very nice at all. You’d better keep the lights on.”

Wide eyed, Feather Quill stared at the floating sword. “Oh my…”

“How is a pegasus like a writing desk?” Flamingo asked.

Author's Note

So just what is the deal with Flamingo, anyway?

Grape!

Grape!

Tarnished Teapot awoke to the sound of voices and the heady aroma of tea. He blinked his eyes a few times, his orange tongue lolled out as he yawned, and then he looked down at his amulet, which was an ever so slightly darker shade of blue than he wanted it to be. Nothing dangerous, nowhere near that, not yet, but Tarnish, who wanted to be responsible as possible, took any darkening of the stone with great concern.

“—by studying the natural world around them, I think more ponies would gain an appreciation for science. We need an appreciation for science. While magic is fine and good, magic benefits unicorns while advancements in science benefit everypony,” Maud said in a flat monotone. “Tarnish is a good example of the advantages of studying the natural world. He knows more about geology and rocks than most first year university students. It’s all self taught and he’s learned it because he spends time with me digging through riverbeds and rummaging through rock piles.”

“I believe I agree,” Feather Quill replied. “Hooves on experience tends to make you appreciate the wonder of the world around you. Textbooks are fine, but reading about a phoenix and its habits are boring when compared to actually studying a phoenix, at least in my experience.”

Tarnish yawned again, turned his head, and saw the bright orange feather writing down everything that Maud and Feather Quill were saying. Flamingo was back in her sheath. It seemed they had slept through the night unmolested.

“Ponies have all the wrong ideas about what scientists do. Sure, plenty of them are academic scientists who live on a university and parse data. There’s nothing wrong with that. But young ponies need to understand that adventurous sorts are needed to collect that data. Science needs ponies who aren’t afraid to get dirty, or go into dangerous situations, or ponies willing to put their necks on the line and put their lives at risk while trying to unravel some mystery. Science needs detectives, science needs doers, science needs curious eyes and ears and a pony that looks at something while wondering how does it work. When I was in Las Pegasus at the university, I found that most ponies my age wanted soft, cushy jobs. They wanted safe jobs. Most ponies didn’t want jobs that would take them out into the field, much less put their lives at risk. How are we supposed to know anything if the spirit of adventure dies?”

When she was done speaking, Tarnish saw Maud look at him. Her turquoise eyes gleamed in the early morning light. Even in his not quite awake state, Tarnish could tell that Maud was in full blown science evangelist mode. A good night’s sleep had left her in a far better mood to talk and had made her far more verbose. He looked around. Birds were chirping. Morning dew sparkled like diamonds, dazzling his eyes and making him squint.

Pouring himself some tea, Tarnish realised that breakfast had not been fixed yet. After a few sleepy moments of struggling to think, he realised that both ponies were waiting on him to cook. It seemed that he had become the official cook of this expedition at some point.

“I suppose I need to fix breakfast,” Tarnish muttered.

Maud nodded, her head bobbing as her stomach rumbled. “You do it so well.”

“Fine, fine, I’m getting up. I think I’m in the mood for Fleetfoot’s Farina.” Tarnish rose from his bedroll, his dark green woollen blanket falling away from him and landing on the ground in a rumpled heap.

“Fleetfoot’s Funtime Fly Fast Farina. The official breakfast of champion Wonderbolts,” Feather Quill said as Tarnish went over to the wagon and opened up the trunk with supplies inside.

“See, there’s the problem.” Maud turned her head to watch Tarnish as well. “Ponies want to get into advertising, but nopony wants to become a field geologist.”

“I agree completely.” Feather Quill watched as Tarnish collected the supplies needed for breakfast. “So among the many skills he’s learned on the road, cooking is one of them. I do believe that Mister Teapot is becoming a renaissance pony.”

“It’s kind of necessary.” Maud turned her head to look at her guest. “Out here in the wilds, as I am sure you know, you need to have skills… you can’t just be a geologist, or whatever it is that you study. You have to be a cook. You have to have wagoneering skills. You’ll need to know basic first aid. You’ll need to know how to defend yourself and occasionally others. Out here, you can’t be a one trick pony and expect to survive.”

“I suppose you are right. I’ve never thought of it that way, and I’ve been out on the road a number of times. I’ve never stopped to think about how many skills I’ve had to develop to survive.” The earth pony professor paused and became silent, his face thoughtful. One ear twitched up and down in the faint breeze blowing up from the gorge. He glanced over at his self writing quill and watched as it flipped over to a new page in the notebook.

“It was really very nice meeting you,” Tarnish said as Feather Quill began to strap himself into his harness. “Maybe we’ll meet again.”

“You’ve been wonderful hosts.” Feather Quill smiled as he looked at Maud and Tarnish. “Thank you so much for the interview. I have more than enough material to make something special. I hope it will inspire others.”

Maud, who had returned to being the silent type, nodded in agreement. She heard a creak from the small two wheeled cart as the brake was released. As nice as it might be to pull a cart that small and light, there was no way that it would hold all of the gear she had to haul. She sighed, full from breakfast, and felt a pang of regret for all of the stuff that she had to haul around.

“Do be careful,” Tarnish said as Feather Quill took the first steps of his departure.

“I’ll be heading north and avoiding the Froggy Bottom Bogg. Mostly farmland. I think I’ll be fine,” Feather Quill replied. “I plan to keep my eyes and my ears open though. Thanks again!”

Tarnish, standing beside Maud, watched as Feather Quill made his way up the road, heading north and following the road that went along the top of the ridge. From where Tarnish stood, the road looked pleasant, shaded, with graceful trees providing a canopy over the road. The road was rutted, but not too bad, with the ruts only being a few inches deep.

Turning his head, he looked south, the direction that he and Maud would be heading. The road was also tree-lined for as far as Tarnish could see. It ran parallel to the gorge. In the far distance, in the south, Tarnish could see grey clouds drifting, clouds that looked like storm clouds. The Crack of Doom was known for generating wild storms. It was one more thing to worry about, placing the canvas cover over the wagon if a storm threatened. Tarnish, who was starting to get a seasoned eye for this sort of thing, reckoned that before the day was out there would be rain if those clouds drifted north.

Ears perking, Tarnish listened to the jingle-jangle of tack as Maud slipped on her harness. Horn glowing, he tapped the brake lever, releasing the parking brake on the wagon. He cast a final glance at the fire, ensuring that it was out.

The road was flat, so Tarnish expected to make good time. Maud appeared to be well rested, but her titanic exertions yesterday were no doubt going to be felt today. He had a good feeling about today.

“How long until we reach the Crack of Doom?” Tarnish asked.

Maud kicked the brake lever behind her, releasing the front wheels. “One simply does not walk into the Crack of Doom…” She lifted her hoof and waved it in a dramatic manner.

Tarnish rolled his eyes. Maud was in a silly mood it seemed, something that other ponies never got much of a chance to see. He grinned. “Really, how many more days?”

“Less than a week. A few days. We’re close. As we get closer, we’re going to see more magical creatures, more mutants, and potentially more danger.” Maud’s monotonous voice did nothing to convey the seriousness of the danger; if anything, her tone sounded more as though she and Tarnish would be walking into perpetual boredom.

Turning his head around, Tarnish made certain that Flamingo was stowed in such a way that she was easy to pull out. He adjusted the strap of the canteen hanging from his neck and then tapped on the brim of his pith helmet, which was now broken in. It was somewhat stained, a little beat up, his odd choice of headwear had character.

When Maud took the first step, Tarnish followed her.

Noon. The day was warm, but not unpleasant. The tree lined road had plenty of shade and there was a stiff breeze blowing up from the south. Grey clouds floated overhead, drifting north. The wagon was parked in a little clearing. Getting it pulled out of the ruts had been tricky.

Maud was sitting in the grass, resting, her eyes closed. Her ears waggled in the strong breeze and her smock rippled. Tarnish found her quite distracting. He thought about dancing with her… or perhaps something else and then dancing, but he was hungry and his stomach was growling. After lunch, Maud wanted to keep going.

Stomach gurgling, Tarnished Teapot took off from the clearing to investigate some wild grapes that he had seen. Grapes sounded delicious. Tarnish loved foraging, finding berries or wild fruit. There was nothing quite so rewarding as the juicy sweetness of wild berries, which somehow seemed far better than anything found in the store.

Mouth watering, Tarnish approached the grapevines. He almost had his lips around a cluster of grapes when he noticed some vines wrapping around his legs. He looked down, surprised to see thin tendrils engulfing him. Some of the vines had what appeared to be pulsating pustules on the ends. Tarnish could feel more vines wrapping around his hind legs and his tail. He felt his tail being pulled aside and Tarnish panicked when he felt vines slithering in places were vines should not be slithering.

Freaking out, Tarnish bolted away, ripping the vines, tearing them, and tugging at them with his telekinesis. He was free in moments and watched the severed vines writhing on the ground, while the other vines began to hide themselves away in the grapevines once more.

Now more curious than afraid, Tarnish, who stood a safe distance away, wanted to know more about the plant. He backed away, never taking his eyes off of the treacherous grapes, and his thoughts lingered on the disturbing vines that had crept up along his plot.

“So these grapes molested you?” Maud asked as she sat in the bushes with Tarnish. She glanced at him and the camera he was holding. “They look like normal grapes, but I’ll take your word for it.”

“Maud, I don’t know what they are, and I don’t see a listing for them in any of my books about plants.” Tarnish dropped his voice. “They tried to go up my bum.” Tarnish glanced over at Maud. “I feel bad about this… what if something bad happens to some poor animal as we watch?”

“Science demands sacrifices,” Maud replied in a low, steady monotone. “Sssh!” Maud lifted her hoof and pointed as a large hare came out of the brush some distance away.

Its little nose twitched and its long ears were alert for danger. It hopped forwards towards the grapes, cautious, and it took all of Tarnish’s willpower not to shout out and scare the hare away. He raised the camera, doing so in a slow, cautious manner, and watched as the hare approached the grapevines.

Beside him, Maud let out a strange sound of surprise when she saw the hare snatched by vines. As it was dragged towards the grapes, the hare cried out in fear and panic. More vines wrapped around it. Once inside the bramble-like structure of the grapes, more vines swooped in on the hare and one of the vines with the pulsating pustules wiggled closer to the hare’s backside, much to Tarnish and Maud’s wide eyed horror. Tarnish snapped a few photos and shut his eyes to avoid seeing the outcome of the tentacle invasion. He heard a loud squeak and his ears perked from the sound.

When he opened his eyes again, the vine was retreating and the hare was defecating, releasing a good amount of feces onto the soil in the middle of the mass of grapevines. The vines began to relax and unwind from the hare, letting it go. Squeaking, the hare took off lickety split, leaving the grapes behind, a few more poo pellets slipping free as it ran away.

“Tentacle grapes,” Tarnish said in a low voice. “I got it all on film. I got it all on film, I can’t believe it. That almost happened to me.”

“The grapes are self fertilising and the hare seems unharmed.” Maud shook her head. “I take back everything I said Tarnish. You’re not crazy, the grapes were going to grope you.” She fell silent as she saw that Tarnish was getting ready to speak.

“I’ve got to contact Twilight and see if she knows anything about tentacle grapes.”

Author's Note

Soon, Crack of Doom.

Observations

From the journal of Maud Pie—

Tarnished Teapot continues to grow and mature into the pony I knew that he could be. He still has moments where he doubts himself, and, truth be told, I have those moments as well, but his confidence is getting better.

He has become quite bold now. He’s gone from being shy about kissing me to surprising me. He still watches everything I do, which still flusters me. Last night he grabbed me with his magic, pulled me close, lifted me up, and then danced with me. He’s becoming a better dancer but still needs a lot of practice. We still have a lot of starry nights ahead, so I think he’ll have plenty of chances to improve.

I cannot help but wonder if the extra added weight of a phonograph would be worth it.

We have almost reached the Crack of Doom. Tomorrow, we will arrive, if this rain and hail lets up. Already, the land around us is strange. The trees and vegetation are twisted. Some of the rocks have glowing crystal formations, which are new. Testing them with the thaumaton reader produced a reading of twelve bars. I was saddened by breaking off one of the crystals for study, but science demands sacrifices. The magic generated by the crystals falls within safe and acceptable levels, and the glow generated by the crystal persists after being broken off from the cluster and placed into a sample box. I do not know how long the crystal will keep glowing. I have made extensive notes about the appearance of the crystal in my research journal.

Boulder tells me that the land feels weird. I’m inclined to agree. I studied the area surrounding the Crack of Doom while I was in school, along with other students in my class. The land has changed. It’s become far, far worse. Something has changed, but I don’t know what. I am hoping I will find out more when I arrive. I hope I can find the cause for the worsening of the land. The plants are far more hostile and Tarnish is finding new plants that are not listed in his books, which worries him. He’s been in contact with Princess Twilight Sparkle, and she has been looking for references for the plants that Tarnish is describing.

She has found nothing. She and Tarnish both suspect that we’re seeing a rapid burst of mutation and magical evolution, which is producing new strains of flora and fauna. Tarnish might be recognised as the discoverer of the Tentacle Grape plant. This is a pretty big deal for him, as it will give him some much needed scientific credibility for his career as a field botanist.

I wish the rain and the hail would let up. We’ve been trapped inside of this wagon for almost twelve hours.

From the journal of Tarnished Teapot—

Today I had a good conversation with my mother. I think she’s getting better, she said it was getting easier to have conversations with me, and I agree, we’re finding more to talk about. I’m getting to know her as a pony, without the influence of my magic. She is quick to laugh, she loves to make jokes, and she is very lighthearted and silly. I can see where a lot of my own equinality comes from.

I also had a chat with Twilight. She wants me to study magic more. I’m trying, but the books don’t always make a lot of sense. Sometimes, when I study from a book, I get it, but like when I was pushing the wagon up the switchback, that taught me more than any of my books. I guess I need to keep using magic in real world situations and then be observant about the results.

Speaking of observation, my studies of the curious earth pony known as Maud Pie continue to yield results. Little things that are hard to notice can help to indicate mood. Quivering muscles, flaring nostrils, ear movements, the direction that her tail moves, all of these things are observed behaviours. Like when I surprised her with a dance, her eyes widened for a moment, a good sign of surprise. Her ears pivoted forwards from their normal almost sideways position. They also perked forwards. Her pupils shrank down for a moment and then became dilated. I have no idea what this means, but I watched it happen. She wears her smock all the time, so that makes it difficult to observe what the muscles on her body are doing.

I do know that the subject is ticklish, even if she doesn’t laugh. She’ll sort of make a face, but it's hard to describe. She’ll begin breathing heavy. She’s ticklish on the inside of her thighs, just behind her front legs, and on the spot between her navel and her breastbone. If I blow a raspberry on any of these areas, the subject will make a strange noise or sometimes, she’ll let out a squeal, and then will begin to attempt escape without bringing harm to me, though one time she almost crushed my head between her thighs when I got a good raspberry in on the flesh just above her hock. She’s on to me now though, any sudden or sharp intake of breath from me causes her to become wary.

Subject will run if she is chased, but only if she is in a playful mood. Otherwise, she wants to be caught or sees no point in running.

Also, as an important note to mention, I finally got Flamingo to talk. She doesn’t always like to be reminded of her past. She has different moods. Since I was stuck in the wagon while it was raining and hailing, I got her talking and we had a long conversation where she said many inane things, but one thing stood out. There is a talking tree in the Everfree. She said that she used to go and talk to the tree about pretty rocks. She wanted to be the pretty rock of pinkness. I don’t understand what she’s talking about. She freaked out though and started screaming about some big meanie named Nightmare Moon that came along and gobbled up poor Commander Luna… I didn’t bother correcting her, she was far too upset, but she tried to pick a fight with Nightmare Moon for hurting Luna. She doesn’t know what happened next, or maybe she does but she was too upset to continue. She flew back into her sheath and when I pulled her back out, all she did was sob. It was heart breaking. So I put her away. I shall have to try and speak to her again.

Picking a fight with Nightmare Moon. I think I now understand why she fears the darkness so much. You’d have to be incredibly brave or fantastically stupid to pick a fight with Nightmare Moon. I would like to chose to believe that Pink Flamingo was brave.

I hope the rain and the hail lets up soon. I am eager to keep travelling.

Peering out from beneath the tent that covered the wagon, Tarnished Teapot turned a wary eye up towards the sky. It was still grey, but the rain had stopped. The ground was muddy, but not too bad. The area where they had parked had good drainage and did not flood. He was shoved aside, which almost caused him to fall out of the wagon, and Maud jumped down so she could stretch her legs.

The grey earth pony landed with a moist splat and then took off at a trot, her tail streaming out behind her. Tarnish watched her from the wagon, marvelling at her movement, the easy grace that she had when she walked. She was a perfect, beautiful creature. She walked with her head high, lifting her hooves in a high step as as she trotted around in a circle around the wagon.

Tarnish’s belly rumbled. He wanted food more than anything, even more than he wanted to chase Maud around in a circle. He needed to get a fire going, but he had no clue about what it was he wanted to eat.

He turned around in the wagon, lifted up the lid of the food storage trunk, and began to dig around on the inside, looking at various tinned goods. There were tins of fruit salad, tinned bread, tinned soups, tinned chili. He paused, licking his lips. Chili sounded good. Monty Puma’s Revenge Chili. He grabbed several tins, feeling hungry, grabbed a tin of corn, and then grabbed a box of instant cornbread mix—just add water. Only Tarnish hated the cornbread mix with water, which is why he grabbed a tin of corn. There was plenty of flavourful salty liquid in the tin of corn, and he would only need to add a half a cup of water or so to the cornbread to cook it.

He grabbed the pots and pans he needed and then lept out of the wagon.

“So we’re here,” Tarnish said to Maud as he ladled chili over his slab of cornbread.

“And here is not as I remember it. Things have changed here. It worries me, just a little,” Maud replied. “I wish I knew what changed. The Crack of Doom was dangerous, but the land surrounding it wasn’t all that bad. We did many a school project here. I almost don’t recognise this place.”

Tarnish lifted up a spoon and frowned. He dug into his chili, which set him on fire. In a pleasant way of course. It was chunky, thick, and hearty. He watched Maud sniffing her food and as she did so, the skies overhead parted, allowing brilliant beams of sunlight to shine through the purple grey clouds.

“There is a big, beautiful patch of poison joke a little ways west of the Crack of Doom. We should stop there and have a look around. It was like looking upon an endless sea of blue.” Maud lifted up a spoon with her hoof and poked at her food to make her cornbread crumble.

“What in Tartarus?” Tarnish set down his chili on a large flat rock by the fire and watched as a melon went crawling through the camp. He blinked a few times as it scurried past on six insectoid legs. A little section of dried up vine trailed behind it.

Reaching out with his magic, Tarnish went to work to pull the camera from it’s storage box in the wagon and watched as the melon beetle crawled about. The strange fruit bumped into his leg, and then it backed up, kicked its legs, and then charged once more.

As Tarnish began to take pictures, Maud said, “I think it wants to be eaten.”

“Maud, not that I doubt you, but what makes you say that?” Tarnish asked.

“Earth pony instincts. That melon wants to continue with its cycle of life,” Maud replied. The earth pony tilted her head and watched as Tarnish took more photos. “I suppose it is counting on you eating it and dispersing the seeds elsewhere with some fresh fertiliser.”

“What should I do?” Tarnish looked down and snapped one final picture before he began to put the camera away. “I mean, what do I do? I’ve never had food want me to eat it before… I don’t even know if it is safe to eat.”

Maud shrugged. “I had no instincts about the tentacle grapes, but I think that’s an evolutionary adaptation. It didn’t want to be discovered.” Maud eyed the strange and somehow insistent melon beetle that appeared to be rather impatient. It banged on Tarnish’s leg and tapped at his hoof with its little bug-like legs. “This wants to be eaten. It’s food.”

“Okay, fine, I trust in your earth pony instincts.” Tarnish lifted up the sharp knife used to cut the cornbread, levitated it over the melon beetle, took a deep breath, steadied his nerves, and then made a clean downward chop.

The sharp knife cut the melon beetle clean in two, slicing through the pale green rind. Inside, the flesh was yellow and full of seeds, very much like a cantaloupe. The melon’s little wriggling legs continued to kick for a few moments, but then went still. Tarnish, feeling a little sad, lifted up both halves of the melon, and offered one half to Maud.

“I kinda feel bad and I don’t know why,” Tarnish said. He watched as Maud shrugged.

“It wanted to be eaten. It fulfilled its purpose and you helped it along. You shouldn’t feel bad.” Maud set down her spoon on the rock beside her, took the offered half of the melon into her hooves, and then looked Tarnish in the eye. “I’ll admit, this is kinda weird.”

Tarnish nodded. “I’m glad I got pictures. I doubt anypony would believe us.”

Author's Note

Chapter 99 this is. Next chapter is 100.

Gee, that's a century chapter. People are bound to have expectations.

A weed just blue himself

Ahead, there was a railroad trestle connected to a long bridge that crossed the chasm. There was a crude packed gravel patch crossing where the road met the railroad tracks. Just beyond the crossing, a section of road forked off and followed the tracks. A sign at the junction said, “Las Pegasus” and had an arrow pointing towards the west. Also off to the west were mountains.

Overhead, dark, puffy clouds billowed and the sky churned, threatening more rain. The rain wasn’t so bad, but hail was problematic to deal with. The day was warm, but the wind blowing up from the south was icy, it was so cold that the gusts caused both Maud and Tarnish to shiver.

Crossing the railroad tracks, the pair continued south, following the winding road, braving the wind, and keeping an eye skyward for the threat of rain. Maud moved with purpose, pulling the wagon at a good pace, in a hurry to be where she was going. Tarnish moved at her side, ready to pull out Flamingo if there was trouble, or his canteen if Maud was thirsty.

Blinking, disbelieving what she was seeing, Maud came to halt. Ahead, there was supposed to be a forest of beautiful, but thorny acacia trees, hardy survivors of the desert regions and places prone to drought. She stared ahead, shook her head, and could not look away from the sight.

The burned out remains of a few trees still stood, but they were gone, along with many shrubs and other plants. There was supposed to be a forest here… and beyond it, the endless fields of blue poison joke. It was gone. All of it was gone. As far as the eye could see, the land was burnt, black, scorched.

It had all been burned away.

Maud tried to say something and found that she couldn’t. All that came out of her mouth was a pained grunt. She could feel the land beneath her hooves, she could hear a faint cry. It resonated through her hooves and echoed in between her ears. She knew that if she continued forwards, the cry would turn into screaming.

“What… what happened here?” Tarnish asked.

“They burned it all away,” Maud replied. She shook her head. “Some fools burned away everything just to get rid of the poison joke. Tarnish, I can feel the very wrongness coming up through my hooves.”

“Should we turn back? Head home? What do we do?” Tarnish looked at his wife and knew that she was suffering, even if there were hardly any outward visible indicators.

“No.” Maud swallowed, it was hard, a large painful lump clung to the back of her throat. “No, we’ve come too far. We continue and do what we had planned. Tarnished Teapot, be glad that you are not an earth pony.”

A cold wind gusted and with it came ashes and dust. The dust was gritty and irritated Tarnish’s eyes. With his eyes watering, Tarnish stared ahead at the vast expanse of dead earth, not knowing how to feel or what to say.

Staring at the burned out landscape, Tarnish nodded. “We’ll keep going then.”

Ashes swirled in the breeze like snowflakes. The pair continued forwards, now silent, staring at the dead earth around them. The road wound through the burned out remains of trees. A stream clogged with ashes was visible from the road. It appeared to be soapy, it foamed and bubbled as it burbled over the filthy grey rocks.

Bones poked up out of the water and Maud knew what had happened. Maud knew why the water appeared soapy—animals had come to the stream to escape the flame, perished from the heat, the rendered fat of the dead mixed with ashes, and the natural lye in the ashes had saponified with the fat of the animals, forming a crude soap. For a brief instant, Maud loathed chemistry and felt disgusted for knowing.

She turned away from the horrible sight and looked at Tarnish, hoping for some kind of comfort, but there was none to be had. Without knowing how she knew, Maud knew that this had been an intentional act. The earth felt violated, it was angry, it was hurt. The ground would not feel this way if this had been caused by a lightning strike.

As they continued along the road of horror, Maud felt that she wanted to rage. She wanted to kick, she wanted to scream, she wanted to boil over with anger. But her face remained one of stoic calm. She maintained the same sleepy, almost bored expression that she always had.

It was getting harder to pull the wagon, Maud felt the violated land was sapping her strength. She hoped that she had enough of her strength left within her to pull through this mess and get to their destination. They would have to take another route home; she wasn’t certain that she could face this again.

It felt as though the land didn’t want her to pull the wagon and keep going. The land wanted her to stay. The land needed her, to walk over the scorched earth and burnt places. The land needed her to heal it. The land, having been so thoroughly violated, needed earth ponies to tend its horrific, scabbed over, charred wound.

Maud leaned into her harness and pulled. It took real effort now, and she was feeling weaker by the minute.

At long last, Maud began to see familiar landmarks. She focused upon them and pulled ahead in an almost mechanical manner. The wagon was heavy, far too heavy, and she didn’t feel good, not at all. She knew that stopping now would be foolish. She kept moving, her muscles feeling weak and fatigued.

The air reeked of ozone now, it almost drowned out the stench of the burned woods all around them. Maud thought about asking Tarnish for help; she would if she had to, there would be no shame in it. She needed to be away from this place, this burned out place of horror. She needed to be among the rocks, soft earth, and living things.

Ahead was the Crack of Doom—perhaps one of the most inhospitable places in Equestria. Maud wondered if it was irony that she longed to be in that place and away from this nightmare landscape all around her. The Crack of Doom seemed downright inviting compared to this slice of Tartarus on earth.

The burned forest was now behind them. The landscape was now rocky, full of boulders, jutting rocks, gravel, and bare patches of dirt. Tarnish, sensing that something had been wrong with Maud, was keeping an eye on her. Whatever had been wrong with her, she seemed to have recovered, or at least felt better.

Tarnish meanwhile had never felt quite so good. He thought of the day that he had ran out into the wild storm on the Pie family rock farm and stood in the vortex. It had blinded him, but he had felt wonderful. He felt invigourated. He felt strong. He felt a little amorous and wanted to sweep Maud into a dance.

He lept up onto a boulder to get a better look around. There wasn’t much in the way of greenery growing here. There was some kind of moss or lichens growing on the rocks. There was some dried out brown grass. He became aware of the fact that there were no birds chirping, the sky and the land surrounding him was quiet.

In the distance, he saw a metal sign secured to a post. There was no road here, they had left the road some time ago, but there was something of a narrow trail, large rocks and boulders had been pushed aside. Tarnish remembered that Maud had mentioned that the university of Las Pegasus had sent students here.

He lept down from the rock, mindful of his gimpy leg, which still caused him a twinge of pain on occasion, and trotted over to the sign. Clearing his throat, he read the sign out loud.

“Caution: Bad magic present. Be advised that this area and the surrounding environs have been deemed a major hazard by the Crown. If you continue, you will be exposed to fatal levels of magical radiation.” Tarnish saw a row of pony skulls and crossbones.

Tarnish shook his head and watched as Maud approached with the wagon.

“This is new,” Maud said as she looked at the shiny metal sign. “Just think Tarnish, a committee made this sign. This is our tax bits at work.” The dark grey mare shook her head.

“I’m feeling weird, Maud.” Tarnish, who had been staring at the sign, blinked as his vision fuzzed over. “I feel good, real good, but weird. Like… like I’m getting drunk.”

Concerned, Maud began unhitching herself from the wagon. She looked at Tarnish’s amulet as she undid the straps and buckles. It was turning darker, then lighter, then darker, and then lighter. Maud could only speculate that Tarnish’s body had to be doing something to compensate for the magic in the air, which had to be dangerous.

Everything felt off. The Crack of Doom wasn’t supposed to reach out this far. Maud kicked the brakes on the wagon then turned to look at Tarnish. He had the same dopey look on his face he had on the day he had walked into the wild magic storm.

And then, Tarnish took off at a strong canter, his hooves clopping over the rocks. Maud glanced at the wagon for one final moment and then back at her husband, who was acting strange. She took off after him, wondering what had come over him.

“Tarnish, slow down,” Maud said as she chased after her husband. She had her strength back, most of it, she was recovering now that she was back on living ground. “Tarnish, what has come over you? Come back here, talk to me.” She watched as Tarnish pronked from one boulder to another several yards away. He had a huge stupid grin on his face.

The air was humid, steam rose up from several fissures, and the air was thick with the stench of ozone and rotten eggs. Off in the distance was the Crack of Doom. Fumaroles vented gasses and things around them hissed. Maud could not remember the land being like this the last time she was here. Sure, there had been some steam and a few fissures, but this, the land had changed. Something had caused it to worsen.

Tarnish came to a halt and let out a wordless cry of alarm. Maud hurried to his side, fearing for his safety. She too came to a skidding halt in the gravel when she saw two bodies. They were little more than bones. They had tool belts, hats, and surveyor vests. A metal sign and a signpost lay on the ground beside them. One of the bodies was a unicorn and the other was a pegasus.

Eyes wide with fear, Tarnish flipped the metal sign over. He stared at the words and then his head turned to look at the bodies. After a moment, he sighed and looked at the words. “Danger! Death! Please evacuate area!”

“It shouldn’t be this bad… Tarnish, something is wrong,” Maud said in the same monotone that she always spoke in. She glanced at the bodies and then at the changed landscape around her, recognising a few landmarks. “Tarnish, this is where the school camped. This was our basecamp. It was deemed safe when we stayed here. Something has gone wrong.”

“I feel itchy all over… I’m feeling really weird, Maud… my amulet is glowing black.”

Maud looked at her husband just in time to watch as his eyes turned white and began to glow. Fearful, she began to back away, but then steeled her nerves to move forwards so that she could stand at his side.

Maud, who had no idea what was going on, watched as the earth around her came to life. Massive rocks, boulders, giant stones, they all began to vibrate. The gravel beneath her hooves trembled and she felt an odd tingling in her hooves. Tarnish’s eyes were white, glowing, and his horn emitted a brilliant blue light that made Maud’s eyes sting. She had to squint and as the light grew ever brighter, she was forced to turn away.

The rocks around her began to float in the air, rising up from the earth. Maud felt herself being lifted, and everything was growing weirder. Even airborne, she could feel her connection to the earth, it felt as though her hooves were still on solid ground.

“Maud, I feel funny… I’m feeling really strange!” Tarnish shouted.

Floating, Maud tried to reach him, tried swimming, but there was no way for her to move through the air. Some of the rocks floating around her had to be several tons. Tarnish was still rooted to the ground, but his mane and tail floated all around him, as if gravity had lost its hold upon them.

“Tarnish, baby, fight against it, don’t give in… whatever is happening, I don’t think it’s good,” Maud said in a loud voice.

“No Maud,” Tarnish replied. “It’s good… I understand now. I understand everything. It’s time to let go.”

“Tarnish!” Maud’s voice came out as something that almost resembled panic. She kicked in the air but was unable to move. “Tarnish, focus! I think you’re surging!” Maud watched as a strange bright blue mist began to creep from Tarnish’s glowing white eyes—something was happening and it terrified her. She had no clue what was going on. Tarnish was… smiling? He looked as though he was about to orgasm, an expression that Maud knew in intimate detail.

There was an ominous crackle and Tarnish’s weird magic seemed to be reaching some sort of crescendo. As Maud floated in the air, watching, unable to do anything, she saw Tarnish’s cutie mark. The two little blue buds that extended from the main plant were growing. After a moment, Tarnish now had three full grown and fully developed poison joke flowers as his cutie mark, he was now like so many other ponies that had groupings of three.

Maud sucked in a painful breath and watched as something green sprouted near Tarnish’s right front hoof. After what felt like a small eternity, the ground around them erupted in green growing things. Tendrils began to snake through the gravel and dug down into the ground below. The first blue bud appeared, it trembled for a moment but then exploded, revealing a brilliant blue flower.

All around Maud, poison joke began to bloom. The ground was alive with its growth. Tarnish’s whole body was surrounded by a blue haze. He was also laughing, laughing as though he was being tickled.

The poison joke continued its explosive, rapid, supernatural growth and Maud could not help but feel that something in the land was turning right. Feeling very relieved, Maud realised that Tarnish was going to be okay. Always a stoic, Maud waited, suspended in the air, waiting for the magic surge to pass.

Author's Note

Chapter 100, that's a wrap!

Hotzone!

“Tarnish, are you sure you’re okay?” Maud asked as she watched the unicorn that she loved more than just about anything else in the whole wide world start tearing open the remaining packages of junk food.

“I’m starving… it hurts so much inside… but I feel fine otherwise… but if I don’t eat, I’m gonna die,” Tarnish replied as he sat down on a rock and then began to stuff his face.

Maud watched him eat, still feeling worried, not understanding what had taken place. The earth around her had been carpeted in poison joke. Somehow, Tarnish had made it grow. Spontaneous manifestation and growth. No seeds, no shoots, no nothing. It boggled the mind. In her pocket, she felt Boulder vibrating and if she listened, she could hear his faint song.

The poison joke, now planted, could begin its work, but it would be a long time before the surrounding land would heal, if it ever healed. She thought about the strange, glowing crystal growths that she had found. The beetle melon. The horrible grapes. Had all those things been caused by this? She turned to look at Tarnish. The strange blue mist was still leaking from his eyes, rising up like smoke. His amulet was flashing from bright blue to black. Tarnish’s natural defenses had compensated for the flux of chaotic magic, and were still compensating. He was cramming food into his mouth with so much reckless abandon that Maud worried that he might choke. She had never seen him eat like this before. She wondered how long it would take before the land healed itself.

Centuries?

Perhaps.

Centuries were a short time for rocks and the terra firma.

With one reckless, careless act, ponies had caused unfathomable ruin upon the land, and it would take centuries before the land in the surrounding area healed. The Ghastly Gorge was going to get a lot worse. There would be new monsters, new plants, new mutations, this was an act that would have consequences. Maud, still looking at Tarnish, thought about her husband and his place in the world. His actions were not a conscious act. His magic reacted to the environment around him. She wondered if she would see him spontaneously create poison joke again. She might. Maud felt that there were good odds.

Tarnish’s horn fizzled, causing Maud’s ears to perk, and then the strange blue mist leaking from his eyes faded away. Tarnish’s amulet was now flashing from a light blue to a dark shade of blue, but not black. Tarnish guzzled down a bottle of Luna~Cola, which stained his lips a shade of bluish-purple.

Heading to the wagon, Maud decided that it was time to go to work.

Blinking, Maud looked down at the thaumaton reader. She blinked again, her expression sleepy and bored, but deep inside, Maud was a churling maelstrom of emotions. She had taken a reading from a rock that she had found near the skeletons and had cracked open. Eighty one bars. Deep into red. So very close to one hundred, the highest reading the device could measure.

Fifty six bars were fatal levels, as indicated by the little skull and crossbones. The corner of Maud’s mouth twitched, it was a faint thing, almost unnoticeable except by the most observant of ponies. The two surveyors should have died long before reaching the point that they did.

Unless of course, the change had not happened in a gradual way, but all at once. Had the surveyors come to the spot to place the sign, started to hike in, placed the first sign, unaware that the ambient background radiation was rising, or about to rise? Had something gone off in an explosive burst? Maybe when the surveyors had visited, the radiation wasn’t so bad, but continued exposure had finished them off.

It was time to talk with Twilight Sparkle. Maud intended to talk to the mare herself. She had a few angry things to say. Maud reconsidered. Being angry with Twilight wasn’t going to fix anything. The land was already ruined and would probably continue to get worse for a time.

Sighing, she looked at the thaumaton reader. Eighty one bars. She and Tarnish were sitting in enough harmful magical radiation to cook a pony. The soothing sound of Boulder’s singing calmed her. There was no point in being angry. Anger would not fix this. Rage would not right this wrong.

Only time. Lots of time.

She turned off the thaumaton reader and then began to pack it away. It would be used again later. Inside, deep within herself, Maud felt the same kind of hurt that she had felt when Tarnish had been petrified and turned to stone. She shut the lid to the box and left it sitting there on the ground.

Even though the circumstances had changed, the plan was still the same. She had come here to survey the Crack of Doom. She would still do that. She would measure and take readings of everything she could. She looked at Tarnish and had an idea. What if she could get him to surge again, only this time, on camera? There had to be some real hot spots around here. What would it prove though, from a scientific standpoint? Maud wasn’t certain.

Theories had to be made. There had to be more than just reckless experimentation. All Maud needed was for Tarnish to say that he was feeling funny and then have the camera ready. The moving picture camera. She wanted other ponies to see this. What good would it do though? It wouldn’t convince them of anything unless there was also data. Useful, meaningful data. Her ears perked as Tarnish let out a belch that echoed off of the rocks.

She looked northwards, her eyes staring at the horizon. Northwards… the Froggy Bottom Bogg… all of this would affect the wetlands. Beyond the Froggy Bottom Bogg was Ponyville. No doubt, with this much magic, the river would change. The water would become irradiated. The rocks would change. The ground would change. Froggy Bottom Bogg would probably have more monsters and hostile plant life. What would that mean for Ponyville? For the Everfree?

Had this caused the giant spiders? What if they had been small giant spiders at first… but then had mutated into giant, enormous, hulking giant spiders? Maud had questions, but no answers. The quarray eels were acting funny, or so Feather Quill had mentioned.

This was only the beginning of this disaster. Long after Maud was dead, gone, and returned to the rocks, this mistake would still be plaguing Equestria. But this, this was not the first time this mistake had been made. There was an outright war on poison joke, burning it away, destroying it. What had Equestria done? Had the many monsters came about because of recklessly destroying the environment? What had destroying null wood trees done to the land? Tarnish talked about them sometimes after he was done studying, wondering what they were like.

Tired of thinking, Maud sighed.

“—so you are telling me that Tarnish caused a spontaneous manifestation, followed by explosive growth, filling the area with poison joke?” Twilight’s voice asked, coming out of the mirror.

“Yup,” Tarnish replied before Maud could.

“Twilight, they have to stop burning away the poison joke around dangerous areas.” Maud lifted her hoof and gestured to the land around her, not thinking about the fact that Twilight couldn’t see it.

“You’ve explained your theory, but we need proof. They’re just going to keep burning. We can’t go on speculation and conjecture. The poison joke in the area you are in proved fatal, a student from Las Pegasus university died.”

“What happened?” Tarnished asked, his eyes popping from astonishment.

“I don’t know the dark, gritty details,” Twilight replied.

“Twilight, as bad as one death is, with more monsters, more mutations, more wild magic, there is going to be more death.” Maud peered into the mirror, her eyes narrowing as she focused on Twilight’s face, which was visible within the silver surface of the glass. “The land feels all wrong. Burning it was wrong. The land feels violated.”

“Yeah Twilight, everything looks pretty bad. The entire forest is gone, not just the poison joke. Hundreds of acres of dead, black trees.” Tarnish rubbed his stomach, belched, and then took a deep breath. “I feel funny again… like I did before.”

“Tarnish?” Maud asked.

“Is he sick?” Twilight’s voice sounded panicked. “I can come right away!”

“No,” Tarnish said in a strained voice. “You’ll die here, we’re sitting in the red… I think my body is just… trying to process… all the harmful magic.”

“He had blue mist pouring out of his eyes.” Maud grabbed the mirror and held it in her fetlock as Tarnish’s telekinesis sputtered and died. “His eyes went all white… he’s been eating everything we have… he’s been eating dry oatmeal right out of the container.”

“Maud, I hate to suggest this, but you two might need to get out of there. If Tarnish can’t stop eating, it might mean that his magic is depleting him.” Twilight’s voice was serious and full of worry.

“We have enough food for me to finish surveying the area, I think,” Maud said as she looked at Tarnish. His horn was sparking. “Might be a change in plans though. You might be right Twilight. Once we’re done here, I think we’ll head east, towards Appleloosa, and get back to some kind of civilisation. Think you can meet us in Appleloosa if we contact you once we get there?”

“I sure can,” Twilight replied.

“I’ll see what I can do about getting you some data on the area. Try to send it to the ponies who would know how to read it.” Maud glanced at Tarnish, who appeared to be vibrating. She reached out with her free hoof and poked him. He belched.

“Once you two leave that area, use the thaumaton reader to check yourselves… you don’t want to go into a populated area with enough magical radiation emanating from you to cause a disaster,” Twilight said.

“I already planned on that. We have the rectal probe attachment for the thaumaton reader. I think Tarnish will read normal, call it a hunch, but I might be hot for a while.” Maud could see worry on Twilight’s face in the mirror.

“Maud’s hot all right,” Tarnish remarked.

“Tarnish.” Maud looked at her husband.

“Well, you are… I dunno why, but I am a horny little unicorn… I feel… great. I feel energised. I feel like a million bits. But I also feel a little weird. But, like, in a good way.” Tarnish sprang up onto his hooves, lifted his tail high, and then went pronking off with no warning, bouncing through the poison joke.

“I need to go. My husband is acting strange. It’s like he’s turned into a big colt,” Maud said in a flat, solemn deadpan.

“Good luck, I’ll see you in Appleloosa,” Twilight replied.

“Feel better?” Maud, feeling worried, even though her expression did not show it, looked down at Tarnish. She reached out and stroked his cheek with her folded fetlock.

“I feel fine. I feel full. And tired. I gotta rest, Maud. I’m sleepy,” Tarnish replied.

Looking at the amulet hanging around Tarnish’s neck, Maud noted that the sapphire now glowed a pale blue and stayed that way. She looked around and noted that Tarnish was laying down in the absolute center of the poison joke. He had himself an island of stability. He closed his eyes and Maud continued rubbing his cheek. She was tired too. It was a safe bet that they were safe here. This place was a deadzone.

Yawning, Maud laid down beside Tarnish, scooting up against his side, snuggling up against him. The poison joke all around her was fragrant, pleasant smelling, and stood out in sharp contrast to the sharp tang of sulphur and ozone. Maud lay her head down upon Tarnish’s withers, glad to be close him, and she heard the unicorn beside her make a happy, contented little grunt.

When they woke up, there would be work to do. So much work. Maud suspected that if Tarnish left behind his island of stability that he had created, his natural defenses would kick in and there would be another display. She hoped that she could get it on camera.

Going further into the Crack of Doom would probably be quite an experience.

Author's Note

There is a lesson here...

I'll stop the world and melt with you

Maud awoke to the strong scent of rotten eggs. Opening her eyes, she saw that the air around them was filled with smoke and steam. The fumaroles were belching more foul smelling air all around them. She lifted her head and saw a column of smoke rising in the distance, right where the Crack of Doom was. The air made her eyes burn and it was hard to breathe.

Almost right away, Maud noticed that her earth pony sense was screaming. It had been what had woken her up. She blinked, still half asleep, trying to take stock of their situation. The stench of rotten eggs was almost gag inducing. Maud rose on stiff legs, yawned through a closed mouth, and had herself a look around.

The earth shook and there was a low rumbling sound, like distant thunder rolling in from the horizon. After the rumble, some of the fumaroles spat out more smoke and steam. The air was hot and it was difficult to breathe. Then, without warning, there was a sharp crack that pealed through the area. Maud saw Tarnish awake and he looked a bit worried and confused.

Maud felt the earth shift beneath her and suddenly, she was no longer standing on flat ground. Most ponies would have never noticed it, the subtle shift of the earth beneath them, but Maud noticed. The ground had risen in the direction of the Crack of Doom. All the hair on the back of Maud’s neck and her withers stood up. Something was wrong, so very wrong.

“What’s going on?” Tarnish asked.

Maud’s fine tuned earth pony senses tensed as she took in everything around her. Her nostrils flared as she looked at Tarnish. “We need to go. Now. Forget about the wagon, We need to go.” Much to Maud’s surprise, she heard her own voice crack with panic. She felt her fine control slipping away.

“What? All our stuff is in the wagon… the samples, the journals, the film, everything. Our food too, but all the science stuff… why leave it?” Tarnish rose up to his hooves, wobbled as the earth shook beneath him like a carpet on a slippery floor and then he steadied.

“We need to go, right away. Like right now… now!” Maud’s voice was not a monotone. It wavered, rising and falling in pitch.

Moving with swiftness, Tarnish sprang to the wagon and began grabbing stuff with his telekinesis. He stuffed things into his saddlebags, which had a surprising amount of room. He grabbed the film but left behind his books and Maud’s books. There were just too many.

There was an explosion off to the east. The ground rolled like a lake being churned in a storm. The ground beneath them rippled. There could be no doubt now, the ground below had taken on an incline, becoming higher in the direction of the Crack of Doom.

Panicked, Tarnish grabbed a little food and crammed that into his saddlebags. He glanced over his shoulder at the smoke rising up in the distance and blinked his watering eyes.

“What’s going on?” Tarnish asked in a strained voice. He coughed from the acrid air and his growing thirst. The air was foul and it was hotter now than it ever was during the height of summer.

“I think…” Maud began and then she took a deep breath. She turned and stared in the direction of the Crack of Doom. “You and I are going to witness the birth of a new volcano.” Maud turned her head and looked Tarnish in the eye. “We need to flee this area right away.”

“Just one more thing, Maud.” Tarnish fought his rising panic and gulped. He rummaged through the wagon and pulled out the motion picture camera. He then pulled out the canisters of film for the camera. Coughing, he loaded the film into the camera and then began stuffing whatever he could into his saddlebags.

Eyes streaming tears from the stinging air, Tarnish felt his lungs begin to burn. He strapped his saddlebags to his sides, grabbed his pith helmet, and made certain that Flamingo was secure.

There was another explosion and thick black smoke rolled out of the Crack of Doom. Fine ash began to fall like snowflakes. The air now had a funny taste that almost made Maud and Tarnish vomit. Tarnish could feel his mouth watering and his need to gag was almost unbearable.

“We should have been gone already,” Maud said, shaking her head. “We need to go right now. Each explosion and out venting of gasses is going to be worse than the last. There might be a pyroclastic cloud at some point.”

Casting one final glance at the wagon, Tarnish felt a rising sorrow within him. The wagon, still filled with so much stuff, had been their home. Their shelter. The wagon was their companion, the third member of their expedition, they had been through so much together. They had fought, strained, and struggled to keep the wagon up to this point. It seemed like such a horrible thing to do just to leave it behind.

Using his telekinesis, Tarnish lifted the motion picture camera over his head and began to crank it as he pointed it at the rising column of smoke and ash in the distance. He took one final glance at the wagon, sniffled, and then began moving, Maud at his side.

When Maud picked up the pace, so did Tarnish.

When faced with life threatening danger, most ponies had few options, so most of them ran. Which is what Tarnished Teapot and Maudlin Persephone Pie were doing. Tarnish was running as fast as he could while Maud continued to tell him to run faster. The camera, pointed behind them, captured every terrifying moment on film.

Every few minutes, there was a rumbling explosion behind them. As bad as things were, it got worse. It began raining flaming bits of rock, some of which were as large as a pony’s head. When one almost smashed into Tarnish, Maud screamed.

But the earth pony mare also reacted. She fell back, running behind Tarnish, and then surged forwards. She shoved her nose between his hind legs, her snoot going beneath Tarnish and sliding along his belly, then, with a flip of her head, she bounced Tarnish onto her back. Tarnish, terrified, wrapped his forelegs around Maud’s neck and his hind legs around her middle.

And then, Maud ran.

Using her earth pony strength, Maud ran like the Wonderbolts flew. Beautiful, graceful, and fast. She poured on the speed, moving at a breakneck pace, moving faster than Tarnish thought was possible for a terrestrial based quadrupedal mammal. He was having trouble holding on. His saddlebags rattled, clanked, and slapped against his sides. It was all he could do to hold on and keep the camera held secure in his telekinesis. Maud was going to get something out of this trip by damn. They had traveled too far and endured too much to leave with nothing.

Normally, being draped over Maud’s back was a pleasant experience, one that Tarnish was fond of. Maud had a very pleasant and inviting back, and he knew every inch in intimate detail. He had spent a lot of time staring at the back of Maud’s head and breathing into her ear. This was torture. He bounced up and down, smashing very delicate things into Maud’s knobby spine. To say that it hurt was an understatement.

There was a terrific explosion behind them and Tarnished dared to turn and have a look. He saw that the pillar of smoke and ash was now a pillar of fire. A black column rose up into the sky and the darkness was illuminated by bright orange and red flames within. Lightning flashed and crackled inside the rising cloud. Flaming rocks shot out of the cloud and went streaking down to the earth like shooting stars.

Somehow, Maud dodged every incoming rock, leaping from side to side. Tarnish became aware of the fact that Maud was screaming as she ran, it was almost impossible to hear over the sounds of the explosions, which made Tarnish’s ears ring with invisible bells.

The whole earth shook yet again and maybe thirty yards away, off to the side, the ground opened up, yawning wide, smoke as well as fire belched out of a new fissure. Tarnish pointed the camera at it as the ground split apart, the earthen maw opening and expanding.

Just when it appeared that things couldn’t begin to get any worse, Tarnish began to feel funny.

It wasn’t enough that the Crack of Doom was erupting, going from a geological hotspot to an active volcano, oh no. The fact that it was a major ley line intersection meant that it was belching out magically supercharged ash and smoke. The flaming rocks were thaumaturgical bombs raining down out of the sky.

As Maud ran, a trail of poison joke bloomed in her wake. Some of the poison joke was catching on fire from the falling flaming debris, but Tarnish’s talent didn’t care about an erupting volcano, it only wanted to correct the thaumaturgical imbalance that was present. Blue mist streamed from his eyes and Tarnish fought to hold back a full blown surge. He clung to Maud and focused on keeping the camera rolling.

The camera that was pointed behind them catching all of the devastation and spontaneous poison joke growth. Tarnish had no idea where Maud was running, or how long she could keep running. Danger was behind them. Black clouds now hung over the area, soot and smoke drifted around, and the world had gone dim, the sun having been blocked out by dense black clouds.

The ground buckled and heaved, it was like jerking a carpet out from beneath a table. Maud ran south, trying to avoid the blackened forest where the poison joke had been burned. She dodged from side to side, carrying the most precious thing in her life upon her back. She had to run faster. Each time her hooves struck the earth, she drew the strength she needed to keep going.

Dead ahead, the ground split open and a curtain of flame and steam billowed up. Maud, unable to avoid it, lept, trying to get as much height as possible. She flew through both the steam as well as the fire, singing the hairs along her underside and scalding her skin. She ignored it, knowing that if she stopped running, she and Tarnish would die. Gritting her teeth, she demanded more of her legs and her muscles.

She hit the ground running, bounding, and leaping. Just a few yards away, to her left, a flaming boulder the size of her torso crashed into the ground. She lept again, angling off to the right. Maud’s lungs burned, everything in her body screamed with fatigue, but she had no choice. She had to keep running.

After running for what felt like hours, Maud began to slow. Her sides hitched and she was soaked with sweat. Far, far behind them, the Crack of Doom continued to erupt, changing from a crack in the ground to a newborn volcano. The earth behind them had formed a rise, and in the far distance there was a new lava dome that was beginning to take shape.

Unable to run any longer, Maud stumbled and fell down onto the ashy ground. Her eyes stung and her lungs burned. It was difficult to even breathe. She felt Tarnish on top of her and he struggled to get onto his own hooves.

Discovering that she couldn’t speak, Maud panicked. She was too exhausted, her throat was too dry, too parched, and too damaged from the acrid air all around them. She lay on the ground, wheezing, struggling to breathe. She felt Tarnish’s canteen pressed to her lips. She drank, but only a little, fearful that she would choke. She could hardly even hear Tarnish’s laboured breathing over her own gasping wheezes.

The air, filled with volcanic gasses, ashes, and tephra, made her eyes feel dry and gritty. She could feel her eyelids sticking to her eyeballs, and each blink felt like something horrid was scraping over her eyes.

She felt herself being rolled over and moved around. She had no strength left. She felt as though she had failed both herself and Tarnish. As strong as she was, it wasn’t enough. She tried moving her legs but only managed a feeble kick. She heard the tearing sound of fabric and felt her smock being pulled away from her. She wondered what Tarnish was up to.

Wet fabric was tied over her face, protecting her eyes, her nose, and her mouth. It helped her breathe a little easier. The cool wetness was soothing upon her eyes. She heard clicking sounds, metallic clicking sounds, and she had no idea what was going on. She tried to slow her breathing, knowing that each lungful of the toxic air was doing serious harm.

She felt herself lifted, there was a tickle-tingle of magic all over her, and then she felt herself draped over Tarnish’s warm back. Her tongue felt like a raisin in her mouth and she couldn’t tell for certain, but she thought her nose might be bleeding. With the wet cloth over her face, it was difficult to tell what was going on. She wanted to tell Tarnish that if they spent too long in the toxic miasma the volcano had made, they would both die, but she couldn’t get herself to speak.

She felt herself bounce on Tarnish’s back as he took off at his steady trot.

Author's Note

Even as I am getting ready to post this chapter, I am having second thoughts and I'm wanting to re-write it. I just don't know... indecision sucks. :raritydespair:

I just don't know anymore. I really hope that this is well received.

Delirium

Maud awoke, feeling confused, disoriented, and in pain. A wet cloth was over her face. It was cool, soaking wet, and felt good. She had no recollection of passing out or falling asleep. Her lungs burned, ached in the most horrible way, and her nostrils felt as though boiling water had been poured down inside of them. Licking her lips, she tasted blood, it was crusted on her upper lip.

She tried to talk, but all that came out was a wordless croak. She tried again, trying to say Tarnish’s name. She felt a soft touch and then the soaked cloth over her face was peeled away. She had trouble seeing, something was wrong with her eyes. Water was poured over her face and she opened her mouth. The cold liquid hitting her tongue and her throat was painful. The water had a strange metallic taste, but she didn’t care. She swallowed, trying to gulp it down, not caring if she might throw it up. She was parched.

“Try not to talk, love,” Tarnish said in a raspy, watery voice. “Hey there, love”—Tarnish prodded Maud with his hoof—“could you drink a little more water for me? You’ve been out for about two days I think. I can’t tell if it is night or day outside. Drink for me, please.”

Maud obliged. She coughed and sputtered, her whole body racked with pain. She gulped down water, holding it in her dried out mouth for a moment until it began to feel warm and then swallowing. Her guts ached and clenched.

“We’re in a little cave I found. We’re safe, sorta. Outside is real bad. I got in touch with Twilight Sparkle with the mirror. She’s gonna try and send help, but outside is a real nightmare. There are strange crystal things growing everywhere. A lot of the trees and plants have been turned into crystals and they all glow.” Tarnish laid the cold wet cloth back over Maud’s eyes and nose, but kept her mouth uncovered so he could keep giving her water.

When Maud could drink no more, she rolled over onto her side and curled up into a fetal position. She couldn’t recall feeling worse in her entire life. She was blinded and everything hurt. She coughed, tasted blood when she did so, and then shuddered in revulsion from the coppery taste welling up in her mouth. She felt Tarnish beside her and took a bit of comfort in both his touch and his presence. At least they were together.

“Maud, I know that Twilight means well, but I don’t think she can rescue us. I grabbed the thaumaton reader when we left and stuffed it into my saddlebags. I’ve been taking measurements. It’s deadly outside.” Tarnish broke into a fit of coughing and it took awhile before he had it under control. He wheezed for a bit and then continued:

“As hard as it might be, I think you and I might have to hike out of here. I know something is wrong with your eyes, but I can still see… I put on my goggles that came with my pith helmet. They’ve protected my eyes. Breathing out there is nasty though. You did a lot more heavy breathing than I did. I don’t know what to do, Maud.”

Hearing the fear and uncertainty in Tarnish’s voice, Maud felt a swell of painful emotion. She reached out one front hoof and flailed around, blind, unseeing, and then, much to her relief, she felt Tarnish’s fetlock wrap around hers. She loved him so much and right now, she was unable to say it, even though she wanted to. She coughed and tasted more coppery blood.

Maud felt the hitching in her chest and realised that she wanted to cry. She felt it like a terrible ache. Crying was something that other ponies did, but never her. But now that she wanted to cry, she was too dehydrated to do so. She gave Tarnish a squeeze and trusted in his ingenuity. He would find a way out of this situation somehow. If Tarnish was anything like poison joke, then some of his talent had to be for survival. She placed what little hope she had in that thought and then just lay there, limp, and unmoving. She didn’t know how to tell Tarnish that she couldn’t walk in her condition, even if she wanted to. She felt a horrible pain in her guts and she gasped in pain.

She had no way to tell Tarnish to leave so he could save himself.

The thought made Maud want to scream, but all she could do is lay on the ground, struggling to breathe through her burned throat. Tarnish needed to leave now if he had any chance of hiking out of here and making it to someplace civilised. She wasn’t certain if he would even go. He might just be stupid enough to stay here with her—and then it would be over for the both of them.

Overcome with emotion, Maud sucked in wind and tried to scream, she just had to let it all out, but she started coughing instead. She hacked and coughed until her mouth was filled with the taste of blood. Multicoloured starbursts exploded in her vision. She felt a strange thudding inside of her head. She coughed and strangled on the fluid rushing out of her lungs.

It felt like mercy when the darkness took her.

“Psst, Maud… hey, Maud, wake up!”

Maud opened her eyes and saw Pinkie Pie, her little sister. The little filly was standing on her hind legs and had her front legs resting on the edge of Maud’s bed. Maud blinked and then reached out to touch Pinkie’s straight, heavy mane.

“Pinkie?”

“Maud, it’s under my bed again,”—Pinkie Pie whispered and then pointed at the door with her tiny little hoof—“I can hear it breathing!”

“Get in my bed, Pinkie,” Maud commanded in a flat, steady monotone.

Pinkie did as she was told, getting into her sister’s bed as Maud was getting out of the bed. Maud pulled the blankets up over Pinkie and then leaned her head down to kiss her sister.

“Granny Pie and Nana Pinkie are gone… Mommy and Daddy don’t believe me.”

“Hush now, Pinkamena,” Maud said as she touched her sister’s cheek, “you just hush and wait here.”

Turning tail, Maud left the room, leaving her sister tucked into her bed. She walked on almost silent hooves. The last thing she wanted was to get in trouble. She ducked down the hall, moving from shadow to shadow, the moonlight pouring in through a window. Her shale grey hide allowed her to slip through the darkness like a phantom.

She pushed open the door to Pinkie’s room, mindful to do it slow so it wouldn’t squeak. She avoided the creaky floorboards. She crossed the room until she reached the leaping point, the place where her little sister Pinkie lept up into her bed so she wouldn’t have a hoof grabbed. Getting too close to the bed was stupid and every little filly knew that.

Except for Maud. Maud made her own rules. She walked with her head low, her tail tucked between her hind legs, she was more afraid of her daddy—whatever was under the bed wasn’t even half as scary as he could be when he was angry.

Reaching the edge of the bed, Maud dove down and kicked her legs out, sliding over the floor. She went right under the bed. There was a thump, then a growl, then another thump, and then another growl, and then the sound of Maud snarling could be heard.

A second later, something was dragged out from beneath the bed. Maud had it in a headlock. She punched it over and over. It was a disgusting thing, something made of nightmares, the literal monster under the bed. This one looked like a piglet mixed with a cockroach and a bubble eyed goldfish.

“Leave my sister alone!” Maud’s voice was a low gravel filled rumble as she punched the gross creature a few more times. There was a pained squeal, then a chittering sound. “She’s special… whatever you things are… you need to stop scaring her.”

Maud punctuated her words with a vicious uppercut that impacted with a wet smack. “Never touch what I love.” There was another wet, squishing crunch. “Never touch what I protect.” Maud rammed her hoof into the creature, drawing out a pained wheeze. “Never try to take what my heart holds dear.” Maud let go of three rapid fire punches, one right after the other. The creature she had in a headlock went limp and the sounds of its breathing ceased.

Something dark and sticky had splashed over the floor. Maud realised that she was going to have to do some cleaning up. She had gone too far, hit too hard, and there would be no releasing this one by tossing it out the window or shoving it out of the back door, then telling it not to come back.

Much to Maud’s surprise, the overhead light turned on. She looked up from where she was sitting on the floor, still holding the thing that had been under Pinkie’s bed. She relaxed her grip and let it fall to the floor.

“Daddy, I can explain—”

“Maudlin, baby, step away and come to Daddy, and you do it quick,” Igneous said in a firm voice as he stood in the doorway. “I owe Pinkie an apology… come here, Maudie… let Daddy clean you up… are you hurt?”

“No, Daddy, I’m The Rock.”

Drifting in and out, Maud felt water being poured over her lips. She felt hot, too hot, and everything hurt inside. Her backside felt raw and chapped. Her stomach was twisted into knots. A little voice inside of her head said that some ice cream might be nice, too sweet or not.

“—I know I keep saying this but we’ve got to hurry,” a familiar voice said.

Maud could feel herself being rocked back and forth, as if somepony was trying to put her to sleep. She was in so much pain… too much pain. It was easy to slip away, and so she did, returning the realm of dreams.

“Heya, Pinkie.” Maud looked at her sister, who had just returned from Ponyville. Pinkie was now a little older, her mane was a little more curly, and her sister looked happier than she had ever been. “Glad to see you home.”

“I had to come back, the best big sister ever is about to go away to school!” Pinkie squealed as she rushed forwards and tackled Maud. She almost bounced off the stony pony, but clung to Maud’s neck and began to squeeze. “I missed you so much… I miss home… but I gotta keep doing what I need to do… something big is about to happen, I just know it! I don’t know what, but my Pinkie Sense is screaming at me… it feels like the biggest monster under the bed ever is about to make an appearance. Maybe even the Queen of the Monsters Under the bed.”

“Do I need to go clobber it?” Maud asked in a flat voice.

“I don’t think you can, Maud. But everything is going to be okay. I’ve grown up, Maud. I can giggle away the ghosties now. Whatever is about to happen, I’m about to be a part of it, I just know it. I think it’s going to be dangerous though.” Pinkie Pie gave her sister an excited, slobbery kiss on the cheek. “My Pinkie Sense tells me that I’m going to make some special friends and everything is going to be okay.”

“Laughter is one thing, a jaw shattering uppercut is another,” Maud said in monotone.

“One day, Maud, you’re going to be part of something big as well, I just know it. There is going to be an epic adventure, and you’re going to fall in love, and there is going to be danger, and romance—”

“Pinkie, please… don’t make jokes about that. Let’s be honest. That’s not going to happen. I know it, you know it, and all the kind words in the world won’t make me feel better about it.” Maud stepped back from her sister and looked into Pinkie’s blue eyes. She saw tears.

“Why is it that you can believe me when I said that there were monsters beneath my bed, but you won't believe me when I tell you what I just told you?” Pinkie asked, her lower lip quivering.

“Monsters under the bed are real. Everything you just said was a fantasy,” Maud replied.

Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Time will prove me right, just you wait and see, Maud.”

Once again, Maud awoke to water being poured over her lips. She swallowed, let out a croak, coughed, and then stuck out her tongue as she tried to get more water into her mouth. She felt water hit her tongue and swallowed.

“I think she’s recovering a bit now that we’re in better air,” Tarnish said.

“Good,” a deep voice rumbled back.

Cool water splashed over her face and Maud took shallow breaths, trying to minimise the pain of breathing. There was a rag tied over her eyes. She was laying in something, and Tarnish was beside her. It was like… a hammock or something. She lacked the focus to try and understand her surroundings.

“Maud, we’re going to be okay… you’re going to be okay. We’re out of the blast zone and heading to a place where you and I can get help.”

She felt the canteen press up against her lips. She drank, swallowing the water down in greedy gulps. She felt her stomach lurch, but she needed water and she refused to throw up.

“Twilight found a way to help us.” There was a long pause as Maud coughed, and her ears strained to listen. She desperately wanted to hear Tarnish’s voice. She needed to hear it as much as her body needed water. “She flew high overhead, outside of the range of the deadly magic, and she dropped Spike into the blast zone to look for us. As she dropped him, she hit him with a growth spell. He’s huge.”

Hearing Tarnish’s voice, no matter how raspy, made Maud feel better.

“Best part is, Spike, being a dragon, is utterly impervious to poisonous vapours or lethal levels of magical radiation. He’s carrying us out. Maud, you missed it, but an entire forest turned into crystal trees. It was amazing. We walked through it and Spike ate some of the crystal trees because he was hungry.”

“They were spicy,” a deep voice growled.

“I just need to start brewing up a whole bunch of poison joke tea and you need to drink that stuff by the gallon so we can flush out the magical radiation you’ve absorbed. When I checked you with the thaumaton reader, you hit a hundred bars. We’re out of the hot zone, but everywhere that Spike goes, he’s leaving behind a trail of poison joke and crystalised plants. I think it’s because of you. And me of course… the poison joke is my fault, no doubt about it.”

Maud felt herself pulled into Tarnish embrace and she kept drinking, ignoring her roiling guts. It took all of her strength, but she managed to hook her foreleg around Tarnish’s neck. She held him, clinging to him, thankful to have him.

Author's Note

I am sure there will be some discussion. I hope it wasn't too dark. I promise, things will be okay.

That's 'Mister Teapot' to you!

That's 'Mister Teapot' to you!

Letting out a cough, Tarnished Teapot looked at Spike. The dragon was now small, so very small, and they were all horned, so very horned. Spike of course had no idea why the spell hadn’t lasted longer, and Tarnish didn’t expect him to know, either. This was just how it was and there was no point in being upset about it, even though Spike was quite upset.

Tarnish had no idea how to comfort the little dragon, who stared at him with wide, sad eyes. Moreover, Tarnish didn’t know what to do for Maud, who was still slipping in and out of a feverish, delirious state.

“We can see the sun now, the sky is hazy but not full of ash, I say we stick it out here. I’ll see if I can send a message to Twilight if the mirror has enough charge. I’ll do what I can to flush Maud of the harmful thaumaton radiation… I’m fine, but Spike… I’ll need to check you too.” Tarnish gave the little dragon an apologetic glance.

“Yeah yeah, I understand. It’s nothing personal,” Spike replied.

“I need for you stay and watch Maud.” Tarnish looked down at Spike with one raised eyebrow. “Keep giving her water. Just pour it over her lips and keep the cloth over her face wet. I am going to find some yarrow… there should be some around here. This place wasn’t completely ravaged by the volcano. I’ll go beyond the crystal trees around us and see what I can find.”

“What’s yarrow do?” Spike asked.

“Yarrow has high natural concentrations of salicylic acid, among other things. It’ll help reduce Maud’s fever by making her sweat. It is also a natural painkiller, but the effect is rather mild unless it is concentrated somehow,” Tarnish replied. He paused, thoughtful, surprised that he remembered and knew as much as he knew. All those hours of studying had paid off. Using his magic, he adjusted his goggles, trying to knock the dust and ash off of the lenses.

“Are you going to be safe?” Spike looked up at Tarnish, his face pinched with worry. “Twilight said I’m supposed to keep you safe.”

“I have Flamingo. Anything I can’t outwit, she can deal with.” Tarnish nodded and gave a snort. “I should be going. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Tarnish tied a section of Maud’s smock over his face, wet it with some water from his canteen, prodded Spike with his hoof, and then took off at a trot.

As Tarnish moved through the still woods, he could not help but notice the eerie silence. Every few yards, he paused and ripped some bark of off a tree, marking his path and his progress. He thought about pulling out Flamingo, but he wanted to keep the silence. For whatever reason, Tarnish did not feel safe. He hoped that Spike and Maud were safe.

The ash lay across the ground like snow. Not as much had fallen here, it dusted the ground and trees, leaving behind a layer of grubby grey. As he walked, he held his mirror out, trying to let it recharge. He must have looked funny, appearing as he did, a unicorn in a pith helmet, wearing goggles, his face covered, walking through an ash covered forest while holding a mirror.

Hearing a crowing sound, Tarnish froze, his ears straining beneath his pith helmet. He felt his spine prickle. Horn glowing, Tarnish made ready to pull Flamingo from her sheath. “I still hate nature,” he muttered to himself, “and I still wish that nature would just get horned.”

He heard the crowing sound again and his head tilted in the direction from which it came. He peered through his goggles, struggling to see. Something was approaching, he could hear it. Tarnish took a deep breath and thought of his plan; release Flamingo, confuse the enemy, keep moving, keep himself from being an easy target, and then slap the enemy with one of his ‘wall’ spells. If they persisted in their attacks, Tarnish was prepared to give them a toot in warning, or if absolutely necessary, cook them with steam.

A bright orange bird came into view. Tarnish watched it as it perched upon a branch. The bird was on fire. Something nagged at Tarnish’s mind… this was a phoenix. He stood, staring, not letting his guard down. He didn’t know what phoenixes ate. The bird was watching him and Tarnish wondered if it was hungry. Did it like pony eyeballs? How did one kill a phoenix, anyway?

The bird began bobbing up and down on the branch, it almost sounded as though it was laughing. Tarnish heard a twig crunch. He turned and almost drew Flamingo. There was a white earth pony, tall, with a powerful build. For a moment, Tarnish thought it was a stallion, but realised it was a mare. She was big, even by earth pony standards. She was wearing a pith helmet of her own, had on goggles, and was wearing a mask over her muzzle, making it impossible to see her face. She had a pair of saddlebags, both of them were a dark brown oilskin canvas. She was covered in ash, which left her white pelt sooty and smudged in places. Wisps of her mane were visible, which was a bright sunny yellow streaked with vibrant spring green and dark brown.

It never hurt to be polite.

“Hello… you startled me,” Tarnish said in greeting, “my name is Tarnished Teapot.”

“Pleased to meet you, Mister Teapot.” The tall mare lowered her head. “Strange place to find another pony on a nature walk.”

Squinting through his goggles, Tarnish felt a little irked that the mare did not introduce herself. He looked up at her, not quite certain what to make of her. “I’m not on a nature walk. I am trying to get to safety. My wife and I were at ground zero when the volcano exploded. She is badly injured, poisoned, and in need of medical help. I was out trying to find yarrow root.”

“Hmm, good thing I always come prepared. As it just so happens, I have aspirin in my saddlebags along with other supplies. I was wondering if there were any survivors.” The strange mare took a step forward. “Get a move on, little pony. Take me to your wife, let me see if I can help her.”

“Um, that’s complicated. She’s magically irradiated, she might cook you,” Tarnish said.

“Oh, don’t you worry about that, little pony,” the strange mare replied, “just let me help you. I came looking for any survivors and I assure you I took precautions for my own safety against the many hazards that I might encounter. I’ll be fine.”

Little pony… little pony. Tarnish stewed on the inside. He wasn’t short, not by any standard, and the white earth pony was just a great big tall freak. He drew himself up to his full height, which was considerable, and still the mare was a good head taller than him, and she wasn’t even standing at her full height.

“I left markers so it is easy to get back. Just follow me I guess… just be careful.” Tarnish, who felt irked for all kinds of reasons, turned tail and began to head back where he had left behind Maud and Spike.

As he walked away, he could have swore that the phoenix was laughing at him.

Seeing Spike and Maud, Tarnish broke into a brisk trot, kicking up ashes, and forgetting about the earth pony behind him. Spike was holding Maud’s head up and was pouring water into her mouth, a little at a time. Tarnish could hear Maud’s laboured wheezing.

“Can you hear me, Maud?” Tarnish stood at Maud’s side, his mouth next to her ear. He heard her let out a feeble, raspy cough.

“Hello, Spike.” The tall white earth pony stood nearby and the phoenix perched on top of her head.

“I don’t recall telling you his name,” Tarnish turned around, his telekinesis grasping Flamingo. His skin crawled and tingled.

“Oh, he just looked like a ‘Spike’ that’s all, relax, little pony,” the big white earth pony mare said in a soft, soothing voice.

Very much against his will, Tarnish felt himself relaxing, even though something in the back of his mind screamed to keep his guard up. The earth pony mare wasn’t cooking, even though she was standing in the middle of what had to be one hundred bars of thaumaton radiation. He wondered if perhaps his island of stabilization magic was protecting her, but she had assured him that she’d be fine. Perhaps she had taken some kind of magical medication or drank some alchemical concoction or elixir?

“Hold her down and pry her mouth open. I have a purgative… several actually, I think all three of you will need one, as tough as you three are, you’ve been ingesting a lot of poison. And you, Mister Teakettle—”

“Teapot!”

“Mister Teapot… you don’t sound well or look well. Your voice sounds positively sepulchral. Your pelt is falling out in clumps, I saw it as you walked. You’ve been using magic for far too long without enough food, and by the looks of it, it is now eating into your body.”

Tarnish stared at the earth pony. She was a weird one, alright. How could she know that? His mind began to fill with questions, but now might not be the best time. Against his better judgement, he decided to trust her.

“Very well,” Tarnish replied, nodding his head.

He glanced at Spike and saw the dragon looking back at him. “Spike, let me. If she kicks you, she’ll break you in two. Get some distance. You’ve been a good friend, I don’t want you getting hurt.” He saw Spike nod.

He heard Maud make a gurgle and he looked down. He cradled her head in his magic when Spike let go of her. Her face was covered, except for her mouth. Her shriveled looking tongue was brushing over her dried, cracked lips.

“Hold her very still,” the big white mare commanded as she came forwards. “In my saddlebag, there are several purple glass bottles. Do be a dear and pull one out, please?”

Tarnish nodded, opened up the flap on her saddlebags, and began pulling out stuff with his telekinesis. The first thing he pulled out was a box of bandages. He stuffed it back in. There was a small plastic bottle of aspirin, not what he needed. The he pulled out a large purple bottle.

“See that she drinks every drop possible… make her drink it if necessary. It is vile and unpleasant.” The white earth pony’s voice was soft and kind. “It is terrible tasting stuff, I am sorry, but sometimes little ponies must drink their medicine.”

Gritting his teeth, Tarnish unstoppered the bottle. He stuck the end of the bottle between Maud’s lips and began to pour the thick, viscous green liquid down. Maud gave a feeble kick and then shook her head, but Tarnish kept the bottle in her mouth. Almost gone… almost… almost.

Maud had to keep drinking if she wanted to keep breathing, her nostrils were caked over with snot and blood. Tarnish felt horrible. He felt tears, which caused his burning eyes to sting even more. He felt as though he was betraying her trust.

“Quickly, hold her mouth closed for as long as possible, we need to keep it in for at least a few moments!” the white mare commanded.

Tarnish, using his telekinesis, pinched Maud’s lips together as Maud writhed and wiggled over the ground. Her legs kicked and she made gagging sounds. He could hear her stomach protesting the vile liquid. She began to thrash around, her weakened body unable to do much of anything.

“Let her go and get clear!” the white mare said as she turned around and ran away.

Tarnish let Maud go and tried to move, but he wasn’t fast enough or far enough away. Maud exploded in a geyser of green goo, some of which came shooting out of her clogged nostrils, clearing them of impacted, ash, snot, as well as blood, and then her second gush of vomit splattered right into Tarnish, splashing over his face, his neck, and his chest. She puked again, this time sprewing out stuff that looked like coffee grounds and strange white clumps that appeared to be solid chunks of ash. Her stomach spasmed, contorted, and then, she hurled out even more of the contents of her stomach, once more onto Tarnish, who just stood there, standing at his wife’s side.

“Oh yuck…” Spike gasped.

“This is not the most disgusting thing that has ever happened to me,” Tarnish said in a calm voice, “in fact, this is far from it. I’ve dealt with far worse.”

“She sounds a little better already.” The white mare kept her distance, not daring to come closer. “Now, Mister Teakettle—”

Tarnish sighed. “Teapot…”

“Yes, sorry, Mister Teapot, it is your turn,” the white mare paused, then continued, “You and Spike can do it together, like a contest… see who can guzzle it down the fastest and hold it in the longest.”

Tarnished looked down at Maud, who appeared to be passed out again. She was breathing, she still sounded rough, but her breathing wasn’t quite so laboured. He glanced at Spike, who stood nearby, shaking his head, his face contorted in both fear and disgust.

“Now now, do as you are told, little pony,” the tall white mare said. “In my saddlebag, you will find two more purple bottles. Go on, do help yourself!”

Scowling, steaming, vomit dripping, Tarnish reached out with his telekinesis, fished around in the white mare’s saddlebag, feeling around with his telekinesis, until he felt the two bottles. He lifted them out and floated one over to Spike.

Tarnish tugged away his face covering and then pulled out the stopper on the bottle. His nostrils crinkled. It smelled bad. He could swear that the mysterious white mare was smiling behind her face mask. He could hear the soft, wet whistle of Maud’s shallow breathing, she wasn’t fighting as hard for air.

Not bothering to look at Spike, Tarnish put the bottle to his lips and began to guzzle it down. This was his punishment for doing this to Maud, he would drink every drop. The green stuff in the bottle was liquified nightmares, there were no words available to mortals, there were no spoken words period to describe how awful it tasted. Tarnish somehow managed to drink down every last drop, tipping the bottle upwards to let it drain down his gullet.

Behind him, he heard Spike say, “That wasn’t bad, kinda refreshing.”

Of course Spike would say that…

Violent queasiness seized Tarnish. His knees wobbled. For one terrible moment, a very petty part of Tarnish wondered if he could puke on the white mare. Revenge somehow seemed like a necessity at this point. This was a memory that would never go away, it would never get better with time, this was a wound that time would never heal. Whatever this stuff was, Tarnish suspected that it was collected from the prison shower drains in Tartarus, if such things existed.

Shuddering, the colt felt himself explode. Vomit rocketed out of his mouth and his nose. For one horrible second, Tarnish was certain that the pressure of his puking was going to send his eyeballs shooting right out his skull, and right through the glass of his goggles.

Somehow, the first round of puking was downright pleasant when compared to the second round. His body revolted against the revolting liquid he had drank. He felt his insides tying themselves into knots and he wasn’t sure if he could breathe anymore; he was certain that he had just puked his lungs out. Strange chunky things were backed up in his throat, hard, sharp even, he thought he would choke, but then he barfed again and those mysterious, chunky, sharp, unpleasant things in his throat went shooting out of his mouth like cannonballs.

His knees wobbled and he felt himself growing weaker. He struggled to keep standing. His vision was growing dim. He wondered if he was dying, it felt like he was dying, in fact, dying right now would be rather nice. He staggered backwards, gasping, trying to breathe, and then he looked at the white mare. For a moment, she glowed like the sun, almost blinding him.

“Oh my, you are a tough little pony, a natural born survivor if ever there was one. There is more to you than expected, Mister Teakettle. Go to sleep… go into blissful, painless slumber. You have suffered enough—”

“No,” Tarnish gasped, fighting to get the word out, “Teapot!” He heard a heavy thump behind him.

Unable to fight any longer, Tarnish felt his legs give way and he was out before he hit the ground.

Author's Note

Next chapter... healing.

Recovery

The hospital room was clean, had a strong smell of soap that made Tarnish want to sneeze, and was a little chilly. He had no memory of how he had come here, the last thing he remembered was drinking the horrible goo. He groaned, feeling some pain his stomach. The cool, somewhat moist air felt good on his lungs. Beside him, Maud lay sleeping, her eyes covered over with gauze bandages. There were tubes and things sticking out of him, all of them quite annoying.

The room wasn’t quite like other hospital rooms though. In one wall, there was a pane of glass but it was not a window that allowed him to see outside. It was one way glass and Tarnish wondered if they were being watched. He turned his head and stared at the glass for a moment.

After staring at the glass, he continued his look around. There was a table beside his bed, a typical hospital bed table, one that could swing over his bed and over him. There was a pitcher of water on it, a container, a little simple looking tea set with a small teapot and two cups, and there was a note written on beautiful looking ivory coloured paper, a type of paper that Tarnish had never seen before.

Dear Mister Teakettle.

Intrigued, Tarnish lifted the paper in his telekinesis, unfolded it, and began to read.

Dear Mister Teakettle,

Try not to worry, you are safe and sound. This is Las Pegasus’ University Hospital and they will take very good care of you. If you could though, be a dear, and do try to drink your special blend of tea. Because of a variety of problems, you and your dearest wife Maud are in the quarantine wing. It is my understanding that your special blend of tea has a way of gently removing magical radiation, which is quite preferable to the method that I had to use when I rescued you. You do have my apologies, but the extreme approach was necessary; you had to be made somewhat safe so that other ponies could help you. This is of course not even taking into consideration your other little problem. All of your belongings are safe and sound. Flamingo is quite an impressive sword. Twilight Sparkle is there with you, you should be seeing her soon.

Your family has been notified, they were quite worried, all of them.

Until we meet again,

Helianthus.

P.S. I do apologise for my departure, I would have liked to have stayed and had a chat, but I suffered quite an amusing allergic reaction due to your rather unique talent.

Tarnish looked down and saw that his sapphire amulet was glowing a dangerous looking purple, the colour of an angry storm cloud hanging on the horizon during sunset. He blinked a few times, not liking what he saw.

He poured some water from the pitcher into the tea kettle, thought about hot thoughts to get the water to boil, and then began to add tea to the infuser that could be dropped down inside of the teapot. After adding the infuser to the pot filled with boiling water, the room filled with the heady aroma of tea. Tarnish sighed, the scent brought him comfort and the feeling that everything was going to be okay.

Laying in bed, Tarnish waited for his tea to steep.

“Hello Tarnish, it is good to see you awake and doing well.” The voice of Twilight Sparkle came out of an intercom, and she was speaking in such a way that she tried to make her voice sound as pleasant as she could. “Maud is going to be fine, both of you are, although we were worried about Maud for a while. She is expected to make a full recovery, but she is being kept in a magically induced sleep to allow her body to recover.”

Staring at the window, Tarnish took a sip of tea.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of developing the film in your saddlebags. I avoided looking at the private photographs, but I have been looking at the film of your escape from the Crack of Doom. It is quite amazing… you kept filming during your long and scary journey, it’s amazing… you’ve contributed to science in a way that you might have trouble imagining.”

“I take it you saw the reaction?” Tarnish asked.

“Yes.” Twilight’s voice came out heavy on an strong exhale, causing the intercom to crackle. “Tarnish, I want to believe you, but we need more time to study the phenomenon. There are already those that are saying that it was you and your presence that caused the Crack of Doom to erupt. Of course, they don’t have evidence of that either, thankfully. If they did… I don’t know what would happen to you.”

“That is worrisome.” Tarnish, feeling calm, took another sip of hot tea.

“Tarnish, I know this is a little soon to mention it, but Princess Celestia wishes to hire both you and Maud for a bit of scientific research. It might help to establish some evidence that poison joke is a necessary part of the environment and is helpful, even beneficial. We can talk about it later.”

“Okay,” Tarnish replied.

“Seeing the film… Tarnish… all that poison joke appearing… the trees all turning into crystal… it’s all so amazing.” There was a long pause and the sounds of Twilight breathing could be heard over the intercom. “The Crack of Doom eruption was small, but powerful. The crag where the Crack of Doom was located is now a tiny volcano, it is less than a hundred feet tall at its peak, but it is continuing to spew out ash and some volcanic gasses. Of course, we can’t get anywhere near it to study it.”

“Twilight?” Tarnish stared at the one way glass.

“Yes?”

“Burning down the poison joke caused this. Don’t ask me how I know this, but I do. It demands that you ponies stop your ceaseless war against it. It wants to help you. You’ve burned away and destroyed so much. If you keep going, this is only the beginning of the consequences—”

“How...”

“Never mind how,” Tarnish replied, “you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“At this point, I might be inclined to believe anything,” Twilight said in a breathy voice over the intercom, causing it to crackle somewhat.

“The jokes, the pranks, it was a way to discourage you and keep you away from danger. It never meant to hurt you, it was accidental when it did, it only wanted to help. During one of my surges that happened while Maud and I were staying in the cave, I had a profound experience during a moment of delirium. I’m certain that you’ve noticed that my cutie mark has changed.” Tarnish cleared his scratchy throat, it was still difficult to speak, and took a big sip of tea. It was soothing and made his throat feel better.

“Tarnish, can you please tell me everything? I want to know… I need to understand what is going on… are we in danger?” Twilight’s voice sounded worried and mechanical over the intercom.

Nodding, Tarnish replied, “A danger of your own making…”

Tarnish lay in bed, contemplating the silence. There was nothing to do but stare at the ceiling. Twilight Sparkle, after hearing what he had to say, had gone off to have herself a think. Maud was asleep, her breathing slow, steady, and only somewhat wheezy.

There was nothing to do, nothing at all.

It was a terrible state of affairs, as Tarnish did not like boredom. If Flamingo was here, he would have pulled her out and had a chat with her, but he didn’t know where his belongings were.

The transition was almost painful; he had gone from running for his life, a desperate struggle for survival, to laying on his back in a somewhat uncomfortable hospital bed. He wondered if there was something wrong with him, because a part of him wanted to be back out in the wilds, struggling, fighting for his existence, facing the many challenges of life in the wilds.

It had been one very interesting honeymoon, that much was for certain. Exotic locales, life on the road, meeting new ponies, moments of scientific discovery, dancing, and lovemaking… lots of lovemaking, usually under the stars. Or under a nice shady tree. Or in soft, warm sand. In the back of the wagon on top of trunks and lumpy things, while waiting out the rain.

He and Maud had finally hit the point in their relationship where things were getting creative, the point where talking about it wasn’t so embarrassing and they could discuss all the wonderful and perhaps perverted things they wanted to do with one another… or to one another. It was a time of exploration and experimentation.

They had done a lot of exploration, or so Tarnish realised. They had explored the world, there was scientific exploration, self discoveries had been made for the both of them, and of course, they had explored, sniffed, prodded, poked, examined, and even licked just about every inch of one another. Maud took a scientific approach to lovemaking just as she took a scientific approach to everything else. There were even notes, detailed notes, and Tarnish had made certain to grab that one particular journal. There were all manner of notes, diagrams, and hoofnotes about anatomical applications of applied leverage; it was Maud’s work and Tarnish could not bear the idea of losing it.

Quite without meaning to do so, Tarnish, bored out of his mind, closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Author's Note

Sorry, short chapter. These happen sometime.

Eyes open

Tarnished Teapot whiled away the hours watching Maud sleep. They were in a regular hospital room now, but still not allowed visitors, for whatever reason, much to Tarnish’s dismay. He couldn’t imagine how worried the Pie family must be, or his own mother for that matter. The reason was never explained.

Passing the time was no easy feat. Tarnish had taken to drawing Maud, which he didn’t feel that he was very good at, he could make crude sketches of flowers, but those were simple. Maud was complex and beautiful. He had tried writing poems about rocks, but he wasn’t sure he knew what to say about rocks. His rock poems lacked something that Maud had. He had even tried passing the time by speaking to Boulder, but the rock was silent.

In the worst moments of his boredom, he had taken to practicing his telekinesis by scratching his own needy… itch in the bathroom. He was getting better at it, and had resolved to try something new as well as exciting upon Maud once she recovered.

Twilight Sparkle had brought him books, but he was far too worried about Maud to be able to study. He wanted to speak to somepony, he needed to hear somepony’s voice. He was going crazy. He wasn’t certain how much more boredom he could endure.

Sitting in a chair beside Maud’s bed, Tarnish felt his hopes rise when Maud’s eyelids fluttered. He leaned forwards and put down his pencil—he had been playing tic tac toe with himself and losing. He heard Maud make a low cough down deep in her throat.

Her eyes opened, revealing her brilliant turquoise peepers. Tarnish gasped, feeling relief, and then realised that Maud was looking at him. It took a moment for her eyes to focus. He put down his notebook and slipped out of his chair. With two steps he was at Maud’s bed, with an eyeblink he was crawling into bed with her, squeezing himself in beside her, mindful of being careful. He poured a glass of water from the pitcher and slipped in a straw.

Before Maud could even make the request, he had water for her. She began sipping, her eyes focused upon him. Reaching out, Tarnish stroked Maud’s barrel as she drank. The horrible wet rasping sounds in her lungs had been gone for a while.

After drinking for a while, Maud pulled her head away from the straw, leaving behind a string of shiny drool. Her head fell back against the pale green pillowcase and a strand of her mane slipped back over her ear.

“Hiya, sleepyhead,” Tarnish said in a voice choked with emotion, “how ya feeling?”

“Not too bad,” Maud replied, her voice scratchy. “We got rescued.”

“We’re in Las Pegasus, at the university research hospital.” As Tarnish spoke, he pressed the button to call the nurse. He leaned closer to Maud and gave her a muzzle nuzzle. “We survived a volcano… they tell me it is only a little one, or we might have been in real trouble.”

Much to Tarnish’s surprise, Maud let out a weak chuckle and then he heard her say, “I trust in your survival skills and my own durability. I think you and I can take whatever nature throws at us. I really need to pee.”

The door to the room opened and one very surprised looking nurse entered. She cried out, calling for the doctor, and then the room was filled with ponies. Tarnish sighed, longing for time with his wife, but at least things were no longer boring.

At long last, Tarnish was alone with Maud again. The doctors had poked and prodded her, looked down her throat, checked her ears, examined her eyes, watched her swallow water, and performed all of their strange tests.

With a gentle touch, Tarnish planted a kiss on the corner of Maud’s mouth and then buried his face into the soft fuzzy place just below her ear. At least she had been allowed to pee before the doctors had begun poking and prodding.

As he lay there beside Maud, Tarnish heard the sound of the door opening again. He grumbled, wanting to keep Maud to himself. Opening his eyes, he lifted his head to see who had entered. What he saw surprised him.

Cloudy Quartz and his own mother, Pinny Lane stood together in the door. Both of them looked awful, as though they had not slept in months. Both were crying. It was Cloudy that moved first, taking one hesitant step, then another, and then both mares moved together.

“They’ll only allow two visitors at a time,” Pinny said in a low voice.

“Pinkie Pie is beside herself,” Cloudy added, her lower lip quivering.

“You kept my baby alive,” both mares said in unison, their voices both breaking as they spoke, both becoming cracked and raspy.

In the span of a moment, Tarnish was being crushed, both his mother and his mother in law squeezing him and Maud together. He heard Maud let out a weak cough and he felt a wet cheek pressed up against his own, it was Pinny’s.

“We’ve been wanting to see you, but they refused visitors until Maud woke up… and you Tarnish, you refused to take a separate, single room on your own. Thank you so much for never leaving Maud’s side,” Cloudy Quartz said as she held both Maud and Tarnish, standing on her hind hooves beside the bed.

Pinny kissed her son on the cheek, then leaned over and kissed Maud. She lifted her head and looked down at Tarnish. “Both of you have been in the papers. Photographic stills from the film that you made have been all over the front pages. A lot of crazy things are being said—”

“Like what?” Tarnish asked.

“Never you mind that right now,” Cloudy replied, shaking her head, “you’ll find out soon enough, I’m sure.”

“Mama, I’m really happy to see you… both of you…” Maud’s voice trailed off and after a moment of silence, she coughed a few times.

“Maud, you okay?” Tarnish rubbed Maud’s barrel with his hoof. His ears strained, trying to listen, and he felt a growing sense of worry. For a second, he thought about asking Pinny and Cloudy to leave, thinking that Maud needed her rest. He understood why only two visitors were allowed, the entire family might be overwhelming.

“Just a tickle in the back of my throat, nothing to worry about. But I am thirsty again.” Maud replied in a somewhat scratchy monotone. “Well, I can cross that off of my scientific checklist—witness and survive volcanic eruption.”

“It was quite a honeymoon.” Tarnish laid his head upon the pillow, resting it beside Maud’s. “Got to see life on the road, got to experience wildlife up close, learned how to dance a little better, and got to watch a volcano erupt. We lost the wagon, but at least I grabbed the film and a few little mementos.”

“The wagon and everything in it can be replaced… we could never get you back,” Pinny said, glancing at Cloudy and one eyebrow raising as she spoke.

“Poor Marble has been beside herself… Pinny here has been keeping her going… there can be no doubt about it, we’re family now, all of us.” Cloudy Quartz let go of Maud, dropped down to all fours, and then sat in a chair beside the bed.

“How is Marble doing with Sonneur?” Tarnish asked.

Cloudy managed to smile, her teeth visible for a second. “Oh, they’re going steady already. They sit around being shy together. She plays pranks on him. Marble will be flattered to know that you’re thinking about her, even in the middle of all of this happening. She is fond of you, you know.”

Tarnish felt himself blushing. He liked Marble and he found himself missing her. He thought of Limestone and then thought of the Pie Family Rock Farm. It took a while before he realised that he was homesick. More than anything, he wanted to go back there for a while.

As if she had been reading her son in law’s mind, Cloudy remarked, “As soon as the doctors clear you for discharge, we are all taking the train home. I realise that Maud will want to leave home again soon, but both of you are coming home. We have a surprise waiting for you.”

“A surprise?” Tarnish asked.

“Tarnish, if she told us, it wouldn’t be a surprise,” Maud said in a monotonous voice of seeming disinterest. “I want to go home. I don’t need to stay here to get bed rest and recover.”

“When we step out, we’ll talk to the doctor,” Pinny said. “We promised the others that we would give them a chance to see you.”

Author's Note

More of this story will resume soon. I am currently pondering various story ideas as I began to prepare for the next part of the story. I have ideas and I am taking my time to flesh them out. I'm in no hurry.

Above the clouds

Looking out the round window, Tarnished Teapot tried to see the devastation below. From up here, all he could see was grey. He sighed, turned his head, and looked over at Maud, who was laying on a pile of cushions with her sisters. Pinny, his mother, and Cloudy Quartz were sitting together at a small table, drinking tea, and talking in hushed voices. Igneous was sitting in a large overstuffed chair, his hat beside him on a small decorated table, reading a newspaper.

They were all together in a large, plush stateroom aboard a zeppelin airship, heading home, paid for by Twilight Sparkle. The trains, while still running, were now a mess, the volcanic explosion had messed up everything. Not long after Maud had awoke, she had been given a clean bill of health and was released. Now they were heading home and Pinkie Pie kept saying that there was a surprise waiting for them, but would not say what. It had to be something special though, because Pinkie Pie was about to burst.

“Bah, there doesn’t need to be an inquiry into environmental impacts!” Igneous shook his paper, frustrated, and his reading glasses almost fell off the end of his nose. “Any earth pony worth his dirt could tell you that you can’t mess with the balance of things. I know for certain that some earth pony tried to tell them that burning down that forest to get rid of the poison joke was a bad idea.”

“Igneous, dear, do try to calm down,” Cloudy said to her husband.

“No!” Igneous replied, his eyebrows furrowing and his forehead crinkling.

Cloudy rolled her eyes, shook her head, and allowed her husband to be grumpy.

“I almost lost a daughter and a son because of this! And future grandfoals, Cloudy, I have half a mind to write a strongly worded letter,” Igneous said as he rumpled his paper into a wadded ball and tossed it into the trash can sitting in the corner.

“Why is it that important changes never happen until after something bad happens?” Marble asked, speaking in a very soft and quiet voice, which contrasted with her father’s angry bluster.

“Because, most ponies are content to sit in the same spot forever until you light a fire under their backside, Marble, that’s why,” Igneous replied as he looked at his daughters, all of whom were piled together.

“I feel bad for Tarnish, he’s in the middle of all of this.” Limestone shook her head, looking upset and sad, her eyes were bloodshot from crying earlier. “I can’t believe that some ponies are trying to claim that he caused this to happen.”

“Limestone, some ponies just look for somepony to blame when something bad happens… Tarnish is one of those ponies that makes blame easy because of his magic. Ponies fear what they don’t understand.” Maud’s voice was flat, as always, and she looked at Tarnish as she spoke.

“It doesn’t help that the newspaper called Tarnish the most dangerous unicorn alive,” Limestone grumbled, her ears pinning back against her skull as she looked over at Tarnish, “as if… he’s harmless… I bet that Tarnish wouldn’t even have this talent of his if ponies had just left poison joke alone.”

Sitting in his chair, Tarnish thought about saying something, the idea that he was born and that he existed as a consequence to irresponsible action hung heavy in his mind. However, he couldn’t find the right words to say, so he remained silent. Ponies existing as a consequence. What did that say about Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship? Tarnish found the idea troubling, but he could not deny that he was a force of nature. He had no control over the new aspect of his talent, which caused poison joke to spontaneously grow all around him when he was surrounded by hostile magic. No amount of his special tea could fix that. He shivered, thinking about what he had read in the paper, the demands that he be locked up for the safety of all. The whole thing had left him nervous; at least Twilight had given him her assurance that nothing like that would ever be allowed to happen. Her final instructions had been to go home and await further instructions.

“So how does it feel being more famous than Daring Do?” Pinkie Pie asked her sister as she slipped her foreleg around Maud’s neck and gave her sister a wink.

“Daring Do is an archaeologist. I’m a geologist. There is really no comparison,” Maud replied in a somewhat scratchy deadpan.

“But you’re both famous adventurers now. That means that other ponies will want to be you… isn’t that exciting?” Pinkie Pie leaned in and rubbed her cheek against Maud’s cheek as she hugged her sister.

“Yes… exciting… if ponies wanted to be like us, all they would have to do is run away from a deadly volcano as it was exploding, filling the air with poisonous fumes, ash, and microscopic particles of pumice that turn to glass in the lungs and the stomach. They would also need to go blind and almost die. That sounds like fun—”

“Maud, that was only a teensy weensy part of your adventure, there were plenty of good times for you and Tarnish on the road,” Pinkie Pie insisted, cutting her sister off. “You sound almost as grumpy as Daddy.”

Maud’s ears drooped, a rare outward sign of emotion. She blinked, her eyelids moving in a slow manner, and then Maud sighed. “You are right, Pinkie… there were lots of good times. I wish that everypony knew the happiness that Tarnish and I have.”

“I can’t believe you plan to set back out on the road again so soon,” Pinny said as she set down her teacup. “Why can’t you just stay at home? Be homebodies. Settle in. Do what married ponies do… after everything that’s happened, maybe it is time to rethink your lives a little—”

“Mom, please,” Tarnish said, trying to cut his mother off in a gentle way, “that is not the sort of ponies Maud and I are. We’re at our best when we’re out traveling.”

“You are only saying that because that is currently all you know, Tarnish. You haven’t tried settling in at home and seeing what happens. You might be pleasantly surprised, you might be happy, you might be—”

“Mother, no,” Tarnish said, shaking his head. He felt a tightness in his barrel when he realised that his mother might start crying. He couldn’t bear watching her cry. “There are changes to be made, there is a world to be seen, and there is much to do. And that isn’t going to happen if Maud and I stay at home. The proverbial fire has been lit under my backside and I am no longer content to sit in one place and allow life to just happen.”

“You see that? That right there? Is everypony seeing that? That is why I married that pony.” Maud looked around the room, meeting each eye in turn. “I suppose it takes a geologist to spot a diamond in the rough. It took a bit of cutting, some grinding, and a bit of buffing, but look at how he shines. A diamond is only pretty if you rough them up.”

“Thank you, Maud.” Tarnish gave his wife an embarrassed grin.

“Don’t mention it,” Maud replied.

“I think I’m ready to go on my next adventure… I’m hungry. I am going to go and check out the cafeteria and find out what is being served for lunch.” Tarnish slipped out of his chair, shook himself, gave himself an extra shake to fling his mane backwards, and then headed for the door, saying nothing else.

“Lunch sounds good.” Maud rose from the pony pile, Pinkie Pie still clinging to her neck. “I’m starving. Let’s go.”

“I’m going,” Limestone said as she rose from the cushions and almost stepped on her sister Marble. “Sorry.”

Shoving Limestone aside, Marble rose, scowling, having almost been stepped on. “You clumsy numbskull.”

“I wonder if they have cake? I’m in the mood for cake!” Pinkie Pie bounced, pronking in place, all while licking her lips. “Cake sounds really good and I bet they have fancy cake on this fancy airship. Let’s go have an adventure!”

“All of you go and have a nice time. I think I’ll stay here.” Cloudy looked at her fillies and at Tarnish, her expression both sad and happy at the same time. “I’m not in the mood to deal with crowds at the moment. If I get hungry I’ll use the intercom to get room service. Never in my life would I have thought I’d be ordering room service.”

“It’s almost too fancy,” Igneous grumbled. “If a pony wants a bite to eat they should just go and get it… but I suppose when one is traveling that room service might be nice.”

“We should call in a nice lunch for the three of us while they have a nice time out and about,” Pinny said, making a suggestion, and smiling at Cloudy. “We can talk about how our foals have grown up and how nice it would be to have grandfoals—”

“It is time to go!” Tarnish cried, making a break for the door. He yanked it open with his magic, wasting no time, and made good his escape, the Pie sisters following along behind him, three of them laughing, and one of them not laughing, her stony expression unchanging.

“That nice lunch I had… it’s gonna come up,” Marble said as she stood, her knees knocking, looking downward at the floor.

The floor she stood on was a thick, reinforced pane of glass, allowing a view of everything below, which happened be grey, ugly clouds. The sky lounge, as it was called, only had a few ponies. The zeppelin was nowhere near full to capacity, as Tarnish thought it would be. As it turned out, very few ponies were flying from Las Pegasus to Fillydelphia on this trip. The cafeteria had almost been deserted, with ponies staying in their staterooms or hanging out in the bar.

“It’s not so bad,” Limestone said as she peered downwards. “The glass is sturdy, but it does feel weird walking on it.” Limestone raised her head, blinked, and then looked at Pinkie Pie. “I’ve never had rice pilaf before. There was some weird food in the cafeteria.”

“Is the magic bad up here?” Marble asked.

“No,” Tarnish replied, “if it was, believe me, I’d know. Twilight Sparkle flew over us to drop Spike in and she was fine. We’ll be fine too.” He stared downwards, through the glass, hoping that the clouds would part and he’d be able to see the area below with a bird’s eye view. More than anything, he wanted to see what he and Maud had traveled through, what they had endured together, he wanted to see what he had survived. Tarnish felt more grown up now; he had taken the worst that life could throw at him and he had survived. He was a capable, hardy survivor, and this made him happy. He wished the clouds would part, even for just a moment to give him a peek, but no glimpse seemed forthcoming.

He saw a bright flash of light within the clouds, the dark grey clouds illuminated as lightning arced inside of them, and Tarnish thought it was beautiful. It wasn’t quite the starry nights that he so loved, but it was beautiful nonetheless. Beside him, he heard Marble gasp. Looking up, he saw that she too, was entranced by the beauty below, and her fear about standing on the glass was now forgotten.

“You know, it’s funny… in just a day or two, we’ll be home. We spent weeks crossing Equestria, all those hard days of hard work just to keep the wagon going, slogging through the mud, pulling it up hills… weeks… and we’ll be home in a day or two depending on the wind. It all feels so funny,” Tarnish said, thinking out loud. “I bet most of these ponies in this airship never once give thought to how difficult it is to make it from one side of Equestria to the other. They just go about their lives, living day to day, and if they need to travel, they take a train or an airship and they get to where they’re going in a day or four.”

Tarnish sighed and then continued, “On the road, I learned a lot. I think I have some appreciation for that pony that I met, Longhaul. We live in a wonderful age and we take a lot for granted. We can go anywhere at any time, with no fuss or real hassle, but I bet a lot of ponies still complain. I think about our founders… they had to go a long ways. I think about the ponies that settled Equestria, pushing for the horizon, having to deal with a hostile land, pony eating monsters, and I think about how brave they must have been to pull wagons or carts behind them through a land where roads didn’t even exist yet. Even with all of the bad stuff, there is a lot more good stuff. I like hoofin’ it towards that distant horizon, wanting to see what lies over the next rise, what is over the next hill, what can be seen in the next gully. I like the feeling of finding a stream and the feeling of relief that you can get to go for a nice swim after a long day of dusty hard work.”

“Just keep walking until you run into an ocean,” Maud said as she moved closer to Tarnish.

Tarnish grinned and bumped into Maud, brushing up against her. “You know Maud, if we bought an airship, the ocean wouldn’t stop us, we could keep going…”

Author's Note

This might need an edit or three, but I'm posting it anyway. If there are errors, I'll fix 'em later.

I've been thinking about story ideas for this next arc... still thinking about direction. This story is not dead, do not worry.

Reflections upon the road

In the distance was Fillydelphia and Tarnished Teapot was certain he had seen Foalsom Springs below them as they drifted through the sky. There was the matter of how to get home from Fillydelphia. They could journey on hoof, but were not prepared and had no supplies. They could take a train, which seemed sensible. Tarnish didn’t know what the plan was.

He just wanted to be on the road again. That feeling of wondering what was around the next bend, over the next rise, and seeing what was beyond the always moving, always elusive horizon.

When I started this journey, I did not know what to expect. I had been banished, shunned, sent away from Ponyville for the good of all. That very first night, I think I came close to dying from exposure, at least it felt that way. I knew nothing of how to care for myself. I was freezing, miserable, hungry, and alone. I did not yet know the road or understand what it would do to me. I still did not have the understanding of life that I do now. I spent that first night down in a hole beneath the roots of a tree, a hole that I thought would be my grave.

Lifting his head, Tarnish looked up from the hardbound notebook he had been writing in. Writing everything down helped him make sense of it. There was a lot to puzzle out. For Tarnish, it was like a map—by keeping track of where he had been, he had a better understanding of the direction he was going. It was like plotting a course.

In the wilds of Equestria, on the road or off of it, life becomes quite a different experience. Gone is the safety of the city and living in large numbers, although Ponyville has never been the safest city. On the road, I have discovered, it isn’t so much about finding your destination, but more about finding yourself. After leaving home and finding yourself in the wilds, you find yourself stuck with the impossible task of surviving. Everything becomes a decision of life or death, I mean this in the most literal sense. Every choice you make has to be made carefully because consequences can be dire. In the beginning, I made a lot of bad choices, but I somehow stuck it out. The road has changed me. I can now look back on my decision to drink the dew off of the grass and to eat the grass and I can feel a bit of pride. That was a moment where I overcame the situation and did what needed to be done so that I could survive. I’m still sorting it all out.

There was a lot to sort out, so much so that it was overwhelming. Tarnish now had a purpose, even if he did not understand it. Because of his talent, because of his skills, other ponies wanted something from him. That something could be exchanged for money, allowing him to continue to care for himself and look after his own needs. Realising this had been a profound moment of understanding for Tarnish, a strange new territory that he could only describe as being an adult. Having a skillset and a functional understanding of your talent allowed one to make money by just being who they were. Somehow, Tarnish had stumbled into the situation where he was going to continue to do what he loved and he was going to get paid for it. Maud had already reached this impressive plateau in life, and, after much time scrambling up the steep sides of said plateau, Tarnish was now up there with her.

The road demands much and to walk upon it, one must pay a toll. I know that I have. During my journey, much has happened. I have experienced considerable hardship, especially in the beginning. The road takes and demands much, but this is not a bad thing. At the inevitable point where you are broken down, when you have nothing left to give, when you are a pony and little else, with nothing to your name, then you are ready to begin your journey. At this point, when the road has taken everything from you, you gain a new sense of appreciation. You develop gratitude for every hot, filling meal, every soft bed, every bit of hard earned comfort. These things, perhaps at one point in your life were commonplace, you took them for granted, I know I did, but the road will correct your thinking.

“There you are.”

Tarnish looked up and saw Maud standing in the doorway. He was struck with inspiration—he wanted to write about how the greatest treasure he had found upon the road was a rock. He wanted to write beautiful, meaningful prose to express the many thoughts he had in his head.

“Everypony was wondering where you had slipped off to. Pinny was worried that you had been tossed overboard.”

Maud’s voice sounded a little better. She was sounding more like herself each and every day. Tarnish was grateful to hear her voice. He looked at her, giving her a smile, and then gestured at the round window in the wall.

“I found this little observation nook… it has a little desk and stationery and seems to be a quiet place for ponies to write letters. There’s even a mail slot just outside the door. Everypony keeps talking and the stateroom was noisy and I just needed some time alone with my thoughts.” Tarnish closed his hardbound notebook with a flick of his telekinesis then stuffed his pen into a slot on the binding. “You look better, my dear.” Tarnish’s ears perked when he heard Maud make a sharp inhale. He had that effect upon her.

“I’m feeling better.” Maud stepped into the room, closer to Tarnish, and looked out the round window, which was thick, tempered glass inside of a thick, riveted brass ring. Maud quite liked brass, it was copper and zinc, two common minerals, it was strong beyond measure, durable, lasted forever, and almost everything in Equestria that required durability was made from it. The view out the window was forgotten as Maud stared at the brass instead.

Lovers often compared their loved ones to valuable things; rubies, sapphires, emeralds, diamonds, gold, silver, such was the comparison of a loved one to a precious commodity. Maud, her mind moving in the slow, methodical way that it always did, made comparisons. She turned, blinked, and then stared at Tarnish. After a moment, she reached her conclusion; Tarnish could only be compared to brass. He was more precious than brass, which was a fine, durable, practical, useful thing. An explorer’s gear had brass fixtures, brass fittings, brass buckles. Gold, diamonds, silver, rubies, all useless as far as Maud was concerned. An explorer was only as good as what held their gear together.

Aware that Maud was staring at him, Tarnish wondered what she was thinking. Knowing Maud, it was probably something profound, something meaningful. He decided to ask. “Whatcha thinking, Maud?”

“You’re more precious to me than brass,” Maud replied.

One eyebrow lifted. Tarnish looked Maud in the eye. Love was a complicated, intricate thing, that was as complex as it was simple. As much as you loved somepony, it was impossible to understand them at times. They had their own thoughts, arrived at their own conclusions, had their own perceptions. And those were just the normal ones—sometimes, you had ponies who were weird, like Maud. There were moments when Maud was still a complete mystery to him, and he treasured these moments.

Like now.

“Thank you, I’m flattered.” Tarnish stretched out his neck and nosed Maud’s cheek, his lips lingering close to the soft hairs of her pelt. “We’ll be in Fillydelphia soon.”

“Within the hour we’ll be landing, which is why I had to come and find you,” Maud said. She turned her head, pressing her muzzle against Tarnish, and giving him a tender kiss. She pulled away with some hesitation, biting on her lip for a moment, and staring into Tarnish’s eyes. “We need to make plans on what to do next. Pinkie Pie says that Twilight has already paid for a train ride for the rest of the way home, so that is probably what we’ll do.”

“I’m up for anything, really.”

Upon hearing those words, Maud kicked out with a hind hoof and shut the door behind her. She gave Tarnish the most intense seductive stare she could muster, which meant that she looked sleepy, bored, and disinterested. “I was hoping to hear you say that. You and I haven’t had a moment alone in quite some time.”

“Maud, we could get caught—”

“I know, isn’t it great?” Maud asked, cutting Tarnish off as she backed him into the corner. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re still on our honeymoon. We’re not done yet. Now come on, we’ll be landing soon and I want so badly to make this a memorable trip.”

“Okay.” Tarnish didn’t need much in the way of convincing, with the way that Maud was looking at him, his brain was shutting down as other parts of him were waking up. Something about the idea of getting caught was thrilling, life was all about risks and this was a risk worth taking.

Author's Note

Saucy?

The weed gets smuggled

Coming down the ramp, Tarnished Teapot was blinded by the furious illumination of flashbulbs. He almost stumbled and fell, he would have, but Pinkie Pie had caught him, moving with the sort of speed that only Pinkie Pie had. Flickering ghosts remained in his vision and he heard shouting, both his name and Maud’s name.

Tarnish felt himself being dragged down the ramp and there were bodies all around him. He couldn’t tell who was who in the chaos, but he could hear the voice of his mother, Cloudy Pie, Igneous, Marble, and Limestone. His vision started to come back, but all he could see was more strobing, flashing lights all around him as his hooves crunched on the gravel below.

“If you don’t give us some space I’m gonna have Limestone and Marble buck you to Princess Luna’s moon!” Igneous bellowed to the crowd.

As loud as Igneous was, Tarnish could barely hear him speaking. He felt a hard shove moving him forwards. Earth ponies were strong sorts, capable, and when excited, they didn’t always know their own strength. Tarnish had learned that from being with Maud and experiencing her in her various states of calmness, excitement, and arousal.

His vision began clearing and Tarnish saw a building not too far away, a building that they were heading in the direction of. He wondered what was about to happen next and how they would continue their journey home. Out of everything going through Tarnish’s mind at the moment, he wondered how they would get out of Fillydelphia.

As soon as his mother’s lips brushed up against his cheek, Tarnished Teapot felt himself blushing. He was calming down a bit, surprised at just how frazzled his nerves were after everything that had happened. Almost losing Maud had left him a little shaken up. He wanted to be away from the city, away from other ponies, he wanted to be somewhere that had an abundance of peace and quiet.

Tarnished Teapot wanted to be on the road.

Not on a train, or on an airship, he wanted to be walking, clearing his head, he wanted to be out some place where the only sounds were the sounds of nature, his own hoofsteps, and maybe the sounds of Maud’s voice. Or maybe just Maud’s heavy breathing.

The group were sitting in a small security office in the airport terminal while the airport decided what to do about the mob of reporters that had shown up. The room was small, windowless, not very well ventilated, and the walls were covered up in old, yellowed, faded wanted posters. Had Tarnished Teapot been more observant of his surroundings, he would have seen pictures of Flim and Flam Apple.

“We’ve become celebrities. Mom, Dad, somehow, I have messed up my life. I’m sorry.” Maud’s flat monotone somehow seemed appropriate for the small, unremarkable security office.

Hearing Maud’s words, Pinkie Pie began giggling, her eyes bright and merry. “Maud, you’ve always had the best sense of humour. You always know just what to say.” Pinkie, grinning from ear to ear, leaned over on Maud and nudged Maud in the ribs. “What are you gonna do next for a headliner?”

“I don’t think the airport is going to help us… I mean, once we’re away from the airport, we’re just going to be mobbed again. I don’t want to be mobbed.” Marble, who was a bit shy, looked around the room, a worried expression on her face. “I don’t like this at all.”

“If we’re going to take a train as planned, we’re going to have to cross the city to get to the train station. Fillydelphia is a big city. Then we have the problem of those ponies with cameras getting on the train with us.” Limestone, who looked concerned, glanced at her twin.

“I hate to say it, but I think we’re going to have to escape the city on hoof somehow. We might have to walk to Foalsom Springs and maybe catch a train from there, if we can do so without being noticed,” Cloudy said to everypony around her.

“What if we get seen?” Marble asked in a worried, apprehensive whisper. “What if they come to our home?”

Scowling, Igneous gritted his teeth but said nothing. Beside him, Cloudy, frowning, glanced at her husband as she heard his his teeth grinding together, and she too, remained silent. Pinny Lane was looking at Tarnish, a mother’s worry showing upon her face, Pinkie Pie was still giggling about what Maud had said, Maud was looking at Pinkie with a raised eyebrow, and every time their eyes met Pinkie let out a fresh snort of laughter.

A knock on the door made everypony pause and turn their head. Nopony said anything, but stared, each ear was perked forwards, waiting, wondering, worrying, and it was Pinny Lane that broke the silence.

“Yes?”

The door opened and a bespectacled pegasus entered the room. He was wearing a quilted patchwork vest and a patchwork flat cap that sat upon his head at a rakish tilt. His mane, which spilled out from beneath his hat, was strange, ropey, and bobbed with his every movement.

“My name is Walrus,” the strange, bespectacled and dreadlocked pegasus said, introducing himself. “Sorry I’m late. I was sent here to help you.”

“Who sent you?” Pinny asked as she stepped closer, her horn glowing.

“Whoa, like, you’re all paranoid… that’s cool and all, but I’m not here to hurt you. Tree Hugger spoke with the princess—”

“Twilight Sparkle?” Pinny took another step forwards.

Walrus looked confused for a moment, his lips pressing together, his somewhat bloodshot eyes blinking. “Is there, like, some other princess that I don’t know about? I’m lost.”

“Nevermind,” Pinny said, shaking her head.

“So, like, anyways, Tree Hugger, Flax Seed, Wheat Grass, and me, we were like talking about how we should get more involved and we were like really, really impressed with that interview about you in the paper. We’re the Eco Warriors… well, we’re thinking about changing the name… Wheat Grass, she like, well, she gets like really uptight about anything that implies violence…” Walrus trailed off and stood there, staring. “Was I saying something?”

“Can you help us or not?” Pinny demanded.

“Oh, yeah, right,” nodding his head, Walrus grinned at the group, “we need to get you out of here. We want to help you. Tree Hugger and Twilight Sparkle have been talking and like, establishing trust and stuff… the princess, she’s like, really cool. She’s like, all purple and nice and she um, well, she um, she blazed up with Tree Hugger to show that she’s cool with us and that she cares about the environment and stuff.”

The sound of Igneous’ teeth grinding together filled the room.

“I have a delivery wagon. Flax Seed, he’s here in Fillydelphia with me doing some deliveries. He and Wheat Grass own Flax and Wheat's New Age All-Natural Wellness Center and they like sell like a lot of soaps and all natural foods and like, all natural recycled clothing and stuff to different clients here in Fillydelphia. Ponies who want to make a difference.” Walrus was oblivious to the fact that Igneous was glaring at him and focused instead on Limestone, whom he smiled at.

“We would be happy to come with you if you can get us out of here unnoticed,” Cloudy said to Walrus, giving the pegasus a gentle, courteous smile as she poked her husband in the ribs with her elbow.

“Well, like, the delivery wagon, it is like, a big panel wagon, the city, the ponies here are crazy and they steal stuff, so the wagon is secure and you can’t see inside of it. When Flax is done making deliveries, we can load all of you up inside of the wagon and then get you out of the city. We can get you to Foalsom Springs and from there, you should be able to get home. I feel really good about doing this, this is like going to totally refresh my karma.”

“I dunno about this… being smuggled out of the city,” Pinny said, giving voice to her concerns.

“Oh, it’s like totally cool… we smuggle stuff all the time… uh, well, uh, that’s like incriminating… uh, like, it’s like totally wrong to make natural stuff illegal. You can’t make nature illegal, that’s like really immoral and wrong and stuff. Like Tarnished Teapot over there… he’s like totally natural… he’s an organic pony and he’s totally cool… and some real buzzkills want to make him illegal and that’s like morally bankrupt and wrong.”

Limestone raised her right hoof in the air and shouted, “Fight the power!”

Igneous, scowling, turned his head and glared at his daughter. “Limestone, shut up.”

“Sorry, Daddy.” Limestone lowered her hoof to the floor, her ears drooped, and her tail tucked between her legs.

“We’ll go with you,” Maud said, her emotionless monotone cutting through the tension like a knife. “If you can get us to Foalsom Springs, we can get home on our own from there, just so long as we don’t get noticed. We’ll be glad to accept your help.” Maud turned and looked at her father. “Isn’t that right, Daddy?”

Scowling, Igneous closed his eyes, squeezing them shut, and said nothing in reply.

The inside of the wagon smelled like soap and something else. Tarnish couldn’t quite put his hoof on what it was, but it tickled his nose and made him feel like sneezing. It was crowded in the back of the panel wagon, but they all somehow fit inside.

The ride was a bit bumpy, Tarnish could feel the cobblestones beneath the wagon wheels and the suspension wasn’t very good. There were no windows, no means to see out, and the only light was coming from both Tarnish and Pinny’s horns.

Tilting her head back, Maud took another drink from the bottle she had been given. Flax Seed, the pony now pulling the wagon, had given both Tarnish and Maud something called kombucha brew. Some kind of fermented beverage. Flax insisted that the brew would help them feel better after their run in with the volcano. Tarnish had tried some, it was a bit sour and he found it unpleasant, but Maud seemed to be enjoying hers a great deal. Tarnish kept sipping his, there was something about it, this weird feeling that it had something that his body craved even though it tasted like, well, Tarnish lacked the vocabulary to describe it in any sort of meaningful way.

“Like it or not, ponies are going to have to start paying attention to the environmental consequences of what they do,” Cloudy said to her husband.

“I know that, but these flakes take away credibility with all of their new age nonsense,” Igneous grumbled in reply. The old grumpy stallion huffed and puffed a few times, frustrated, not at all happy about his current situation.

“They mean well.” Cloudy leaned over against her husband and rested her head against his neck. “A bit too much of a focus on organic though. I’m running into that with the food goods I sell.”

“I just inhaled a whole bunch of all natural organic toxins and volcanic ash. It came from the earth. It almost killed me. Sulfuric acid and pyroclastic clouds are one hundred percent all natural and organic. Poison joke is all natural and organic too, but I don’t see ponies lining up to go have a roll in it.” Maud, having spoken her piece, smacked her lips together and then took a sip from the bottle of kombucha and lavender brew. She turned and looked at Tarnish, blinked once, and lowered her bottle, holding it in her fetlock. “I could go for a roll in some poison joke.”

“Maudlin Persephone Pie, you are going to give your father a conniption fit.” Cloudy raised her eyebrow at her daughter as her husband sat there sputtering and spitting.

“I’m bored,” Pinkie Pie announced, much to everypony else’s horror. “Bored bored bored. So bored. So bored it hurts.” As she spoke, one of her curls sagged, spilling down over her face in a long, limp strand. A second later, another long curly lock went limp, falling down and landing on Pinkie’s nose. “So bored. Gonna die.”

Author's Note

I'm thinking, "Weed Wednesdays."

Cartwheel catharsis

It was good to be out of the hot, stifling wagon that reeked of soap and had one very bored Pinkie Pie. The moment the door opened, Pinkie Pie shot out, squealing, her mane springing into curls, and she pronked away with a gleeful cry.

The sun would be setting soon. It was hot, there was very little breeze, but it was still better than being trapped in the delivery wagon. Tarnish stretched his legs and studied his surroundings, looking around himself with a wary eye. Perhaps waving Flamingo at the photographers would make them go away. He wouldn’t have Flamingo hurt them, and Flamingo wouldn’t want to hurt them, but they didn’t need to know that.

Foalsom Springs was a short distance away, just down the road. A field full of tomatoes stretched out before him, along with a roadside stand, a water pump for travelers, and a place to park wagons for the ponies who came to pick their own produce from the fields. The delivery wagon was parked in the gravel lot right now and both Flax Seed and Walrus were taking a break.

Tarnish started forwards, grateful, thankful, and he wanted to say so. The scent of tomatoes filled his nose, the smell of hot vegetation in a garden, the strong, almost musky sort of smell of plants and fertilised earth.

“Thank you, both of you,” Tarnish said to the ponies that had come to the rescue.

“Not a problem,” Flax Seed replied. The earth pony grinned. “You’re championing our cause. Tree Hugger really wants to speak with you. I hope you’ll give her a chance and listen to what she has to say.”

“I will hear her out.” Tarnish felt somepony brush up against him and was pleased to discover that it was Maud.

“Cool, far out.” Flax Seed grinned. “‘Scuse me, I’m gonna get some water.”

“Like, me too,” Walrus said as he followed after Flax Seed.

Tarnish watched them go, the pegasus and the earth pony. He saw them exchange a glance, then laugh with one another. It was good to have like minded friends, compatriots—Tarnish turned and looked at Maud—and lovers. He adjusted his pith helmet, shook his rump to adjust his saddlebags, and then looked over at the roadside stand where the tomato seller was.

The sign over the stand had the words “Fresh Start’s Tomatos” in bright red letters. The word ‘tomato’ had a misspelled plural. For some reason, this irked Tarnished a great deal, but he could not say why. Perhaps because there was nothing he could do to change it.

Something bright pink went shooting past, moving faster than the speed of smell. In the wake of the bright pink pony that went zipping past, the scent of cupcakes lingered in the air, making Tarnish feel a little hungry.

“My sister achieved critical mass in the wagon,” Maud said, her flat monotone making it difficult to determine if she was trying to express some mortal danger or a light hearted joke.

“C—R—A—Z—Y! I ain’t got no alibi!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she went zipping past once more, this time leaving behind the strong scent of red licorice and candied confusion. Confetti drifted down, materialising from out of nowhere.

The pony behind the counter was green, green tomato green, with a sunny yellow mane. He seemed friendly enough and smiled when Tarnished approached, looking hopeful. Tarnish looked around, and much to his surprise, he found that the roadside stand sold more than tomatoes. There was a large old fashioned cooler that glistened with condensation, the beads of water shining like diamonds in the late afternoon sun. Tarnish licked his lips and peered at the fogged over glass front. He saw glass bottles inside, three colours, red, orange, and purple. Without even thinking about it, he flipped open his saddlebags, pulled out a few bits, and plunked them down upon the counter.

“Orange soda, please,” Tarnish said, his eyes still locked upon the cooler. He watched as the earth pony turned, opened the cooler, reached inside, pulled out a bottle of orange soda, holding it in his fetlock, and then there was a satisfying clunk when the glass bottle was set down upon the wooden counter.

As the earth pony picked up two bits of the three that Tarnish had plunked down, Tarnished lifted up the frosty glass bottle, popped open the top, and then guzzled it all down in one go. He let out a thunderous belch, took a deep breath, gasped several times, and then plunked down a few more bits.

“Is that cherry or strawberry?” Tarnish asked.

“Raspberry,” the pony behind the counter replied.

“I’ll take one of those, and a purple one too.” Tarnish turned and looked at Maud. “Want anything?” He saw Maud shake her head and for a moment, Tarnish felt bad for her. Cold soda was so refreshing—but Maud didn’t care for sweet things. She liked other flavours.

Two more sodas were pulled from the cooler and plunked down on the counter, and four bits were taken as payment. Tarnished Teapot cracked open the bottle filled with grape soda, lifted it to his lips, and took a long sip. He turned about, looking, wondering what everypony else was up to. Igneous and Cloudy were stretching their legs near the water pump. Marble and Limestone were heading in his direction, looking hopeful. Tarnished figured that they would want a soda as well. There was no sign of Pinkie Pie. His mother had slipped off, there was no sign of her either, but he guessed that she had slipped off to find some relief. She had been squirming in the wagon.

Pulling out a few more bits, Tarnish laid them out on the counter. “Two more sodas for them, they’ll pick the flavours.”

“Can do,” the earth pony replied. The earth pony paused. “Hey, you look familiar. I think I know you.”

Tarnish, feeling worried, hoped that this would not become a common problem. He took a deep breath, feeling a bit apprehensive, and then took another long drink from his grape soda.

“I remember you… you’re from Ponyville… you got sent away.” The earth pony smiled. “My name is Fresh Start. Happy to see you again. When Ponyville got wrecked, I left town and went looking for greener pastures. I ended up here. It’s a little boring, but this place isn’t so bad.”

Sighing with relief, Tarnish tilted back his pith helmet, smiled, and replied, “I’m glad things worked out for you. Life has a funny way of sorting itself when you’re on the road, eh?”

Limestone, who was starting to look a bit bored, kicked at the dust in the road, her tail swishing from side to side, and she turned to look at her mother and father. “What’s the plan? Is there a plan? Are we walking home from here? Taking a train? Nopony seems to care about us here. I’m starving. When are we going to eat? Are we going to have tomatoes for dinner?”

Along the roadside, Pinkie Pie was performing an endless number of cartwheels, spinning end over end, all while giggling in a most disturbing way.

“Anypony remember how Pinkie would get when she couldn’t have fun?” Marble asked.

Both Cloudy and Igneous shivered in unison, each of them closed their eyes for a moment as they were overcome with the shudders. Each parent had a reaction that almost mirrored the other, but Igneous’ reaction came off as the strongest.

“I suppose the first order of business is checking the train schedule. There might be an evening train to Rock Haven we can still catch. If we have enough time, maybe we can stop somewhere for dinner.” Pinny kicked out a hind leg and gave it a shake, both of her rear knees were still creaky from sitting for so long.

“I wonder what’s playing in the movie theatre?” Limestone glanced over in the direction of Foalsom Springs and then at her parents. “If there is no train departing soon, maybe we can catch a movie, it might be nice.”

“I dunno—”

“Igneous, doing something as a family sounds nice.” Cloudy peered at her husband, the ghost of a grin upon her face.

Sighing, Igneous chewed on his lip for a moment, his sideburns bristling, and then he nodded. “Fine, we’ll see what’s playing. We’ve been sitting in a hot, stuffy wagon all day and now we can sit in a movie theatre, I suppose.”

“The theatre is air conditioned.” Pinny, still stretching her legs, placed some emphasis upon her opinion. “Air conditioned.” The mare cringed, one eye squinting shut as her knee popped. “Since when did I get old? When did this happen? This is a travesty.”

“Pinkie Pie once said that old age is like cheap underwear. It just creeps up on you. I never understood what she meant by that,” Limestone said as she watched her sister’s cavorting, continuing her cathartic carefree cartwheels. “She’s so mysterious sometimes.”

“No more mysterious than Maud,” Tarnish said, replying to Limestone’s words.

“Hey.” Maud reached out and poked Tarnish once, then poked him again. “Pinkie Pie and I understand one another just fine.” The monotonous mare blinked, looking sleepy, and looked at her parents. “I just want something to eat. I don’t care what we do.”

“Okay, so we go and check the train schedule, find out when the train leaves, eat dinner, time permitting, and maybe see a movie if there is a late night train to catch. Is that the plan?” Limestone looked at her parents, then at Pinny, then over at Tarnish and Maud.

“Sounds like a plan,” Cloudy replied. “Let’s go, I’m starving.”

Author's Note

So... what surprise awaits Tarnish and Maud at home?

Parasprite philosophy

“I quite liked that movie,” Tarnish said to whomever might be listening as they exited the theatre together. “The Parasprite Effect. I can identify with it. One little event leading to other events.”

“Like burning away poison joke, which leads to a volcano exploding.” Maud stepped out into the dark night, brushed up against Tarnish, and then found herself being assailed by her sister Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie, who had climbed up onto Maud’s back, had grabbed the corners of Maud’s mouth and pulled upwards. “Smile, Maud. You look and sound a little gloomy. Sure, something awful happened, but there is no need to be a grump. Things worked out okay in the end and everything is fine.”

“Seemed a little far fetched to me,” Igneous said, grumbling as he turned towards the train station. “One parasprite eating a flower, which in turn leads to a worldwide famine.”

“It’s allegory… little events that seem inconsequential can have repercussions, which in turn cause even more stuff to happen, which leads to even more stuff. Daddy, the movie is supposed to make you think about how what you do affects everypony and everything else.” Limestone nudged her father and smiled. “You and Mama both had me and Marble. It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time, but look at how the world has changed. I bet you’re going to end up with Sonneur as a son in law. Or Maud… something you did changed the whole world and made another pony very, very happy.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty happy alright,” Pinny said.

“Mom…” Tarnish gave his mother a glance as Igneous let out a chuckle.

“Everything we do leads to a string of consequences, consequences both good and bad. The Parasprite Effect was just trying to show us that we do have the power to have an impact upon the world, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant we are,” Limestone continued.

“Rainbow Dash’s rainboom changed a whole bunch of ponies’ lives,” Pinkie Pie said, still sitting on Maud’s back, her hooves still hooked into the corners of her sister’s mouth, causing Maud to have a ridiculous rictus. “This is why I try to be nice to ponies, I try to remember their birthdays, I try to remember what makes them special… sometimes, a pony can have a real bad day, or feel like nopony cares, and then everything just sort of spirals out of control in a bad way. But just one pony showing that they care, remembering a birthday, or saying that they care can change everything. I wonder how many villains turned out to be villains just because nopony remembered their birthday.”

“I could have ended up a villain,” Tarnish said in a low voice as they all walked together down the street. Hearing Pinkie Pie laugh, Tarnish lifted his head to look up at her. “Sure, you laugh, but I found myself in a pretty dark place. I got banished. I was lonely. I didn’t think anypony cared. Isn’t that how villains are made?”

“Huh.” Pinkie tugged on Maud’s face a bit more, forcing her sister to make silly faces and expressions. “That makes me kinda sad to think about it. Me and my friends might’ve had to come and fight you, or deal with you somehow. Now I feel really sad, because I like you.”

“You were always nice to me, Pinkie… even when everypony else seemed to hate me.” Tarnish, walking beside Maud, lowered his gaze and stared down at his front hooves as he walked. Staring down, he looked at his amulet, which was still blue, but not a nice light blue like he liked. “And if Maud hadn’t found me…”

“Maybe a single parasprite can cause worldwide famine,” Igneous said as he walked with his family, his old face wizened with concentration. “Just like one pony can make a difference.”

“We can’t go home,” Cloudy said as she came to an abrupt stop, the train station just a few dozen yards away. “We can’t go home.”

“Sod it, Cloudy, don’t act like a silly filly… we’re going home,” Igneous said to his wife of many years. He came to a stop as well, staring at his wife, his stern face contorting with annoyance. “Why can’t we go home?”

“The surprise,” Cloudy replied, being cryptic. “It’s dark. They’ll see it, but they won’t be able to see it very well. It will ruin everything. We need daylight.”

Chewing on his lip, Igneous did not reply. He stood there, his tail swishing, and he turned to look at both Maud, Pinkie Pie and Tarnish. Pinkie Pie was still on Maud’s back, making Maud make funny faces.

“We take them home, when we get close to home, we blindfold them, lead them the rest of the way, lock them in Maud’s room for the night since the window faces the other way, and then in the morning, bright and early, we drag them out of bed and show them the surprise.” Limestone nudged her mother as her sister Marble nodded to show support for the idea.

“Blindfolding Maud and I before locking us into a room together… I like this plan.” Tarnish turned to look at the brightly lit train station and then turned his head once more to look at the Pie family. Igneous was glaring back, looking less than amused. It had been a long day for the old stallion. Tarnish looked away and gulped.

“Well, come on then, let’s go home,” Cloudy said.

The train, almost empty, rocked back and forth on the tracks. Tarnish, sitting by the window, stared out at the starry sky, almost half asleep. It would be about midnight when they reached Rock Haven and then there would be the long walk home, some of which would be blindfolded.

“Tarnish?”

Hearing Marble’s whispered words, Tarnish lifted his head away from the window. Marble was sitting across from him, leaning against the window very much like he was, and Limestone pressed up against Marble, sleeping.

“I’m really glad that you’re okay. When we got the news, we were all pretty crushed.” Marble licked her lips, blinked a few times, and then looked Tarnish in the eye. “Thank you, Tarnished Teapot, for looking after my sister.”

“She looked after me first,” Tarnish replied. He glanced over at where Maud and Pinkie Pie were sitting together, and could hear the faint sounds of them talking.

“This hit Pinkie Pie pretty hard… she and Maud have always been real close. Real, real close. Pinkie was in a bad state of mind for a while. I hope you don’t mind sharing Maud with us, because we need her too.” Marble swallowed, still looking nervous. “You have all of us, Tarnish, so, if you do share Maud, one of us will be glad to keep you company.”

“Thank you, Marble,” Tarnish replied.

“Don’t mention it.” Marble’s gaze shifted and she looked at Pinny, who was leaning on Tarnish and sleeping. “How’d we get stuck as the pillow ponies anyhow? Ugh, Limestone weighs a ton, she’s been eating too much of Mama’s rock hard fudge.”

Marble, who had to work to inhale, did so, straining against Limestone’s weight. “So what was it like? The volcano I mean… but if you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”

“It all happened so fast.” Tarnish closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against the cool glass. “We started running. Well, Maud ran and carried me. I would have never been able to keep up… I can’t run as fast as Maud I don’t think. She ran until her body gave out, and then it was up to me. I’m not as fast, but I’d like to think I did pretty good carrying Maud and what was left of our gear.” Blinking, his eyes opening, Tarnish looked at Marble. “The trees all turned to crystal. The magic made everything strange. Poison joke kept sprouting up from the ashes. It sort of looked like it had snowed, but everything was grey.”

Marble felt her whole body tremble as Tarnish spoke.

“I’m still putting everything together, I guess. I was so focused on surviving.” Tarnish lifted his head away from the glass, his body shifting, and his mother, still leaning on him, snorted as he moved. He watched her ears twitch as he spoke his soft words.

“Before the volcano even happened, we started seeing some strange stuff. Glowing crystals, new species of plants, everything was strange, Marble. They burned away the poison joke and the world around where it used to be went sour, like milk left out in the sun.”

“Like a parasprite eating a flower,” Marble said to Tarnish, her face solemn and subdued. “That movie… with everypony talking afterwards, I couldn’t seem to find a chance to say something, but that movie really made me think. It seemed pretty silly at first, but I get what the movie was trying to say. It’s like dropping rocks into a pond and watching the ripples.”

“Have you and Sonneur been dropping rocks into a pond together?” Tarnish asked.

Marble, blushing, let out a wordless stammer, then giggled, and then just stared at Tarnish, unable to reply. She tilted her head forwards and her mane fell in front of her face, hiding it.

“You like him, don’t you?” Tarnish asked.

“I think he’s the one,” Marble replied in an almost breathless whisper.

“Oh really?” Tarnish’s eyebrow raised and he listened as Marble continued to giggle. “Have there been a few exciting dates?”

“We like to sit and read together.” Marble took a deep breath, her face almost turning purple, and her breathing quickened. “Sometimes, I’ll look up from my book, and see that he’s staring at me. When he sees that I’m looking, he looks away, and he gets all embarrassed, and he makes this adorable face, and he’s the one, I think.”

“Well, that does sound exciting.”

“You know, Tarnish, if it was anypony else that said that, I’d think they were being sarcastic and mean… but I’ve seen how you are with Maud.” Marble took a deep breath and then beamed at Tarnish. “Thank you… it’s exciting for us.”

“And that’s all that matters.” Tarnish glanced over at Maud and saw that Maud was whispering something into Pinkie Pie’s ear. He smiled at her, and then looked back at Marble. “Maud and I dance… I find it exciting. We also do plenty of studying together. We have lots of quiet moments that I’d imagine other ponies might think are boring.” He heard Pinkie Pie giggling and when he turned to look, he saw that Pinkie was covering her mouth with her hoof.

“I’m gonna finish school, then I don’t know what I’ll do. I plan to go into business with Limestone… the bat guano mine is a good opportunity to learn and make a fair bit of money. Somewhere along the way, I’ll probably start leaving little notes in Sonneur’s books, dropping hints that I want to marry him. I’m looking forward to life.”

“I wish you the best of luck… I don’t know what’s going to happen next for Maud and I.” Tarnish saw Pinkie Pie hugging Maud’s neck as she whispered secret words into Maud’s ear.

Marble gave Tarnish a bashful smile. “Well, when we get home, the surprise might influence your plans a little bit.”

Author's Note

I bet everybody is getting anxious about the surprise.

When roots run deep

After what felt like an impossibly long journey, Tarnished Teapot stepped off of the train in Rock Haven and felt like he was home. It had been a while since he and Maud had left the rock farm together. It had been a long while. They had gone down the road together, full of hope, full of optimism, full of the flustered, heated, new love that newly wedded couples had for one another. It had been a honeymoon and so much more. Adventure, romance, exciting moments of daring and danger, followed by quiet moments of serene study.

During this trip, Tarnish had matured a good bit. He had grown up. His perspectives had changed. He had developed a worldview. He was developing a purpose in life. He was making a name for himself, becoming the pony that life seemed to want him to be.

Behind him, the train huffed and puffed as it began to build up more steam. The conductor called out for riders, but there were no passengers getting onto the train. Tarnish looked around, his eyes lingering on the various details of the stone building that was the train station. It was a bit of a landmark. The building was made of stone slabs and had a thatched roof, making it quite distinctive.

“Feels good to be home,” Cloudy said as she stretched her legs.

“It sure does,” Tarnish agreed.

“Is this home for you now?” Limestone asked.

Glancing at his mother, Tarnish nodded. He then looked at his extended family. “This is the place I want to come home to when I get weary of the road.” Taking a deep breath, Tarnish smiled and added, “Come on, let’s go home.”

The last few miles always seemed the longest when arriving at a long awaited destination. Tarnish trudged ahead, being led along by Marble, his eyes covered with a bright pink and burnt orange bandanna that his mother had in her travel bag. He had no idea why his mother had such a tacky, horrible thing, and he did not ask. Maud had her mother’s plaid neckerchief tied over her eyes and was being led along by Limestone.

As the herd walked together in a line, Igneous leading the way, coyotes howled in the distance, which made Igneous nervous. For the most part, ponies didn’t have too much to worry about from coyotes, all things considered, but if the pack was large enough, a lone pony might find themselves in trouble. Of course, out of all of the dangers out in the wilds, coyotes weren’t all that threatening; there were far worse things, like hydras, chimerae, and cockatrices. And those were just the things that a pony could see... there were worse things that lurked in the shadows, hid in closets, and secreted themselves away beneath the bed. As Igneous walked, he thought about the sword that Tarnish had strapped to his saddlebags. It was funny how something could bring a little peace of mind.

While Igneous thought of defense and protection, Cloudy Quartz thought of other things. She thought about the clattering of little hooves upon her kitchen floor. Her foals were either grown up or growing up. None of them were little anymore. Maud was married. Pinkie Pie had a suitor that she refused to talk about. Marble was interested in a nice colt. As for Limestone… Limestone was interested in business. Cloudy hoped that Limestone would find somepony that would make her happy. Cloudy, having raised her foals well, now desired the reward that mares her age sought after the most; watching her daughters be blessed with happiness, their own hearth, and foals of their own. Having a house full of foals was even more fun the second time around. Cloudy had a lot more free time now, the family was established, well off, there was less hard work to do, which meant that Cloudy had all of the time in the world to spoil her grandfoals, if only she had some.

With a click, the door shut and Tarnish peeled off his blindfold with his magic. He blinked, his eyes adjusting to the light. Maud’s room was just as they had left it, the big bed taking up most of the available space. Maud was still standing there, blindfolded, her tail swishing from side to side.

“I’m blindfolded,” Maud said, sounding bored.

“Uh huh.” Tarnish blinked, still adjusting to the light.

“I can be the filly in distress and you can be the mustache twirling villain. You could tie me to a railroad track.” Maud stood there, still as a statue, showing absolutely no sign of enthusiasm as she spoke.

“Huh… I could, I could,” Tarnish agreed, regretting that he did not have a mustache.

“Hopefully, you are just a villain and not a pervert. A pervert would do bad things to a filly before tying her to a railroad track. You’re not a pervert, are you? Are you going to fondle me before you put me on the railroad track?”

“You are very weird,” Tarnish said, not quite sure what to make of everything that had just come out of Maud’s mouth. His ears twitched when he heard Maud inhale.

“The things you say,” Maud said in what Tarnish imagined was a very sultry monotone.

Stepping closer, Tarnish nuzzled Maud’s neck and he felt her lean into his touch. He breathed in, drawing in Maud’s scent through his nose. The floorboards creaked as they moved closer together.

“I don’t bore you, do I?” Maud asked.

“What? No...” Tarnish shook his head, confused. “Why this, and why now?”

“I just worry sometimes. I know that sometimes, I might not seem like the most exciting pony. I have a lingering fear that I will become boring. Right now, there is a lot of boiling passion between us, and I worry that it will become a low simmer with time. I have a lot of insecurities, Tarnish. Our physical relationship is quite satisfying, at least in my opinion, but I worry that our repetition will cause things to become boring. I have a lot of doubts and worries, and I’m no different than other mares. I want you to be happy. I’m afraid I’m plain. That’s why I came after you on the airship and that’s why I’m still wearing this silly blindfold. I don’t want our physical relationship to become routine, or just going through the motions. A dance becomes boring and stale if you don’t mix up the steps and change the music every once in awhile.”

“Maud, I… we… uh, we…” Tarnish very much wished that he could look into Maud’s eyes as he spoke, but she was blindfolded. He was tempted to remove the blindfold, but didn’t. She was trusting him to be honest and she could not see his face. “Maud, darling, we’ve been trying new things. Kinky things. We’ve been making the dance interesting.”

“I don’t ever want this to end,” Maud said as she leaned against Tarnish. “I don’t want our passion to ever become estranged. I want to know that I drive you wild and that you desire me. I have these nagging fears that one day, I’ll make advances towards you and you’ll give me the brush off because you have a book that is more interesting to you. I don’t want to become the thing you do when your bored and there is nothing else more interesting to keep your attention. It scares me, Tarnish.”

“You are so weird,” Tarnished whispered.

“Whisper that into my ear when you take me… I don’t ever want to become commonplace to you… if I am weird, at least I am interesting. You can’t get bored with weird things. There is always more mystery to sort out and understand.” Maud swished her tail against Tarnish’s hind legs and rubbed her hips against his, their cutie marks touching. “Never stop telling me that I’m weird, Tarnish, and I think we’ll be okay.”

Turning his head, Tarnish nuzzled Maud’s ear, and he could feel it twitching, quivering against his nose. He felt the muscles along Maud’s sides convulse. He kissed her, a soft kiss, closed his eyes, and inhaled. He gave her a little sidelong bump, trying to push her closer to the bed, but Maud was The Rock and it was difficult to move her.

“Get in the bed, Maud, and you keep that blindfold on. I’m going to have my way with you and I’m going to tell you how weird you are at length—”

“Hush up and go to bed!” Limestone shouted through the wall. “You’re both weird!”

There was a pony rapping on his skull. Tarnished Teapot opened his eyes and looked into the excited eyes of Limestone. He lay in a tangle with Maud, their bodies still entwined, and the bed was warm. He yawned and wished that Limestone would go away.

“Wake up, you two. It’s dawn. Time for a surprise.” Limestone stepped away from the bed and then made an impatient stomp with her right front hoof. “Get out of the bed, you no good sister spooner.”

“I don’t want to get out of bed, I’m busy spooning your sister,” Tarnish replied.

“Ugh, I know… Marble would not stop giggling last night… she just about died at ‘mustache twirling villain’ and stuffed her pillow into her mouth when Maud wanted you to fondle her.” Limestone rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“Limestone, go away. Go away, Limestone. We need some privacy before we get out of the bed,” Maud said to her sister.

“No way I’m walking out of here so you two can lay in bed and make smoochy faces at one another.” Limestone gave her sister a defiant stare.

“Limestone, I will give you three guesses about what I’m squeezing between my thighs right now. You do not want to be in the room when Tarnish and I get out of the bed.” Maud, who always looked a little bit sleepy, looked even sleepier than normal with her head resting on the pillow and the blanket pulled up to her chin.

It took several seconds before Limestone closed her eyes and let out a whinny of disgust. She backed away from the bed, bumped into the wall, opened her eyes, shook her head, shuddered, then said, “The surprise is necessary… ugh… ew… ew… I’m gone. I am going to go throw myself down a well somewhere.”

Stumbling through the house, Tarnish was blindfolded once more. He was still half asleep, tired, and wishing he was back in bed. He could hear his mother’s laughter, Marble’s low giggling, Limestone was silent, and he didn’t even want to know what Igneous and Cloudy might be doing, or how they might be looking at him. He was both blind and oblivious.

“This way,” Pinny said.

Tarnish could hear the sound of the kitchen door being opened and the sound of birds chirping grew louder. He was being pulled along and he felt the warmth of the early morning sun upon him as he was led through the door. There was a breeze, a cool, wonderful breeze. He felt dirt and pebbles beneath his hooves. He felt his head being turned and then held in place with magic. He waited, almost breathless, wondering what was about to happen.

The blindfold was yanked off and Tarnish heard a gasp beside him, a sharp intake of breath from Maud, and he could see why. A little stone cottage was a short distance away. It was constructed of stones of every colour, heavy wooden beams, and had a tall chimney made of stone. Extending from one side there was a greenhouse. The cottage and the greenhouse were not yet finished.

“Still more work to do. The cottage needs a few more rooms… it isn’t very big, but it is a good home to start in and can be expanded later if you need more room. It doesn’t have a kitchen yet, Cloudy seems to think we can all share a kitchen.” Igneous stood near the front door of the cottage, looking proud. “The community has worked on this and a lot of love has gone into it.”

“The greenhouse was Marble and Sonneur's idea. They said a botanist needed a greenhouse, that it was a necessity.” Cloudy moved to stand beside her husband. “Sonneur’s mother, Azalée, designed the greenhouse and when it is finished, it will be spectacular.”

“It’s wonderful,” Maud said as she stood unmoving, unblinking, staring at the stone cottage. “It’s so beautiful… so many rocks.” Maud’s nostrils flared and her ears pitched forwards as movement returned to her body. “Tarnish, carry me over the threshold.”

Before Tarnish could say anything or even respond, Maud was climbing up onto his back. He blinked, looking around, hearing soft laughter, and then somehow, his vision focused on Igneous, who was standing next to the front door. He saw Igneous give him a nod.

The front door opened after Igneous popped the latch, the hinges were well oiled and silent. Peering inside, Tarnish could see the living room. It appeared to be unfurnished. Dumbstruck, Tarnish wanted to say something, but could not find the words. Maud’s hind legs squeezed tight around his middle and her forelegs clamped around his neck. Her embrace was firm, but also gentle.

Putting one hoof in front of the other, Tarnished Teapot stepped through the front door of his new home, carrying his bride upon his back…

Author's Note

And where done here folks, turn off the lights when you're done.

Don't worry, this story isn't over. This was just the first installment. The next installment will be starting soon. I'd love to hear from you on what you thought of this, from the beginning, to the conclusion. I do hope you will join me for the second act. I have a lot planned. Thank you so very much for reading this crazy tale and giving me a chance to entertain you. I still have some OCs that need to go into this story from the contest.

Again, thank you, good readers.

Sprouting

Author's Note

This is going to be a horrible story and should be read by no sane person, pony, or sapient being.

You have been warned. Abandon all hope, all ye who begin to read. :pinkiecrazy:

http://www.fimfiction.net/group/210355/weed-world

The Weed has grown into something so much larger. Join us!

Sprouting

“Tarnished Teapot, the ponies of Ponyville have had their say.” Princess Twilight Sparkle had a stern expression as she spoke. “We can no longer tolerate your presence. You have, as of this date, two hundred and seventy two counts of disturbing the peace, one hundred and ninety one charges of mayhem, and well over three hundred counts of magical maliciousness… do you have anything to say for yourself?”

Turning his head, Tarnish looked at his cutie mark, a poison joke flower, and then he looked at Princess Twilight Sparkle. “I can’t help how I turned out.”

“We the ponies of Ponyville, have been patient with you. We have tried to live with you. We have tried to look past your many faults. But every time you use your magic, something goes wrong, sometimes horribly wrong.” Princess Twilight Sparkle made a broad sweeping gesture at the town of Ponyville. Almost half of the town was in ruins and the other half wasn’t looking so good either. “This last incident was too much to bear. Thankfully, nopony was killed. For the good of everypony, I must ask you to leave.”

“This isn’t my fault… you tell me to hold in my magic and I do… I hold it in for so long that I have a surge and it just all comes out… I can’t help how I am. This isn’t fair… none of this was intentional,” Tarnish said, his voice a pained whimper.

“I am really very sorry… but you are a menace to everypony. Around you, pegasi stop flying, unicorn magic goes horribly wrong, and earth ponies lose their strength. Everypony's talent goes wrong. You make everything around you go bad! I must ask you to leave Ponyville and do not come back. And by order of Princess Celestia, you are to never, ever, under any circumstances, ever set hoof in Canterlot. The last thing we need is the sun or the moon falling out of the sky. Should you ever go to Canterlot, you will be banished from Equestria.” Princess Twilight Sparkle pointed her hoof down the road that lead out of Ponyville.

“That only happens if I have a surge… and I only have surges when I can’t use my magic at all and it just builds up… this isn’t intentional!” Tarnish looked down the road where Twilight was pointing and then back at Twilight. “How can a pony be blamed for how their cutie mark makes them?”

“Tarnished Teapot… I am positive that there is some place in this world that you fit in. It just isn’t here, with us. Please, don’t make this any harder than it needs to be.” Princess Twilight Sparkle’s expression softened and for a moment, the corners of her mouth twitched downwards as her emotions struggled to make themselves known.

Choking back bitter, angry, hateful words, Tarnish turned away from Twilight Sparkle and resisted the urge to give her a good zap of his magic. He took off at a slow walk, his saddlebags bouncing, and he held his head high as he left.

“Tarnished Teapot… I really do hope that you—”

“Oh shut up! Leaving Ponyville means I no longer have to listen to you and your long winded platitudes!” Tarnish picked up his pace and he did not see Twilight Sparkle’s pained expression, nor did he see the tears welling up in her eyes.

For a long time, Princess Twilight Sparkle watched Tarnished Teapot go, until at last he was little more than a speck in the distance. She turned and looked at Ponyville and then back at Tarnished Teapot. Twilight Sparkle had always heard that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… and Tarnished Teapot was just one pony.

“Goodbye Tarnish… and good luck… I really do hope that there is someplace in the world that you will fit in and find happiness…”

“Stupid ponies of Ponyville… they should be thanking me… I turned Discord into a model citizen for a whole month when I sneezed… sending me away… just what is a sixteen year old pony supposed to do anyway? Why am I talking to myself? Have I gone crazy already?”

Shaking his head, Tarnish gritted his teeth and kept going. In his heart, a glowing coal of hatred burned bright. Unwelcomed, unwanted, Tarnish came to the realisation that he was a weed. Weeds were just plants that nopony could bear to love, like poison joke. Flowers were just high class weeds that ponies liked.

Whipping his head around, Tarnish glared at his cutie mark, a blue flower that stood out in sharp contrast against his chocolate brown pelt. “I hate you. If I had a way, I’d get rid of you in a heartbeat. You’ve caused me nothing but trouble ever since I got you four years ago. You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

He snapped his head around, causing his cream coloured mane to whip about. He had himself a few angry blinks as he stomped down the dirt road.

“This wasn’t my fault!”

He had held his magic in for weeks and there hadn’t been an accident. He hadn’t used his telekinesis, he had used nothing that might cause the others around him to suffer the ill effects of his magic. He had been careful.

And then, Pinkie Pie happened, as Pinkie Pie always happened. She just had to pick up the whole punch bowl and dance with it. And when she had seen somepony that she had to say hello to, Pinkie Pie had tossed the punch bowl up into the air and had taken off, lickety split, to go and hug the pony coming in the door.

Tarnish hated himself for trying to catch the punchbowl.

It had set off a massive, horrible, chaotic chain of events that had left half of the town demolished, thanks in no small part to the three horrible fillies that called themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were trying to get their cutie marks in concert pyrotechnics.

Other ponies had destroyed stuff. Pinkie Pie wrecked things all the time. Rarity had once almost ruined Ponyville with dark magic. Twilight Sparkle had once enchanted a doll and caused the entire town to brawl. Applejack had once almost killed half the town with food poisoning. Fluttershy had caused a stampede of animals through the Grand Galloping Gala. Spike had once turned into a giant dragon and had rampaged through the town. Rainbow Dash had once blown up the city of Cloudsdale to try and keep her pet tortoise from hibernating.

But none of them had been banished or cast out. It was something they all looked back upon and laughed about. The whole town laughed about it. When they wrecked something, it was funny. But when Tarnish did it, it was criminal.

“I hate all other ponies!”

“Grawr?”

Tarnish halted mid step and felt a freezing prickle in his testicles. “Grawr” was never something you ever wanted to hear. Ever. Under any circumstances. He lifted his head high and looked around. “Grawr” was pretty much the worst thing a pony could hear as they walked down the road.

“Hello?” Tarnish asked in a cautious voice. “Really dangerous unicorn here… you have no idea how dangerous… I’m best left alone!”

“GRAWR!”

After announcing itself, a manticore lept out of the bushes that made up a thicket along the side of the road. Squealing like a filly, Tarnish took off at a full gallop, with the manticore in hungry pursuit.

“OH COME ON! THIS DAY JUST COULDN’T GET ANY WORSE!”

The unicorn’s hooves kicked up dust as he ran at breakneck speed down the road and Tarnish let out another squeal as the manticore grew closer. With no other option available, Tarnish turned his head backwards, took aim, and fired off a bolt of magic at the manticore.

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!”

Much to Tarnish’s dismay, his magic seemed to have done nothing. He coaxed more speed out of his legs, his lungs were already burning, and the manticore was flapping its wings now. In a few minutes, it would be all over.

That is, if the manticore killed him before it started to eat him.

With a yowling cry, the manticore pounced and landed upon Tarnish, who tumbled down into the dirt beneath the manticore. There was a very confusing moment as Tarnish waited for teeth and claws to rend him asunder. The manticore was laying on top of him. Tarnish was defenseless.

The manticore was purring.

“Oh no… stupid magic… I hate my magic.”

Pinned beneath the manticore, pressed down by the manticore’s paw, Tarnish felt the manticore lick his neck, the manticore’s tongue slid up in a slow, cautious creep along Tarnish’s lower jaw, and continued up his ear.

“Grawr...”

“Oh no… my stupid magic gave the manticore a different hunger… I’m so horned.”

As he spoke, there was another, long, lingering, affectionate lick that started at the base of his neck and worked upwards. Tarnish felt a hot, heavy snort in his ear, and he could feel the manticore’s heart thudding inside of her ribcage.

There was no mistaking that it was a she-manticore, and she was purring.

Panicked, Tarnish tried to use his magic again, but all that came out of his horn was sparks. Because he wasn’t supposed to use his magic, he had never practiced or taught himself proper magical control, other than holding it all in. More sparks arced out as he made another failed attempt.

“Graaaaawr…” the manticore purred as she cuddled Tarnish.

“No no no… this can’t be happening,” Tarnish whimpered as he was licked once more. He was soaking wet now and he gibbered in fear as the long, slimy tongue was dragged over his face once more. The manticore’s purring caused her long, sandpapery tongue to vibrate, and the effect made Tarnish shiver all over as he started to suffer involuntary arousal.

The manticore let out a needy growl as she arose. She picked up Tarnish in her teeth and was just as careful as a mama cat with her kittens. Her tail swishing back and forth, she bounced and bounded away to the thicket at the side of the road, carrying the object of her affection.

Shivering, Tarnish made his way through the night. He was wet, slimy, covered in slobber and manticore love juices stained his entire rear half. He ached all over, he felt dehydrated, and he was almost certain that he stunk.

His sense of smell had died many, many hours ago, moments after the manticore had sat down upon his face and ground her feminine places against his muzzle. He whimpered at the memory. He had almost suffocated. His saddlebags were gone, she had eaten one of them, swallowing it whole, and the other had been swatted aside. And then she had batted her long eyelashes at him.

Tarnished Teapot had lost his virginity to a manticore and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. On one hoof, how many ponies could say they lost their virginity to a manticore. On the other hoof, she was a manticore. She had pinned him down, licked every inch of his body, and his body had betrayed him. He could still feel her tongue, the rough sandpapery texture of it, he could feel the sensation of it happening even now, being dragged over his body, over every crevice, over every curve, she had bathed him in the most thorough manner possible, covering every available inch of skin before she threw herself down on top of him and rubbed the secret parts of her femininity against him, devouring his virginity as though she was a hungry beast.

And she had been a hungry beast. Twilight Sparkle had banished him a little past noon and it was now some time in the middle of the night. Alone, still soaking wet, shivering, Tarnish continued down the road, not certain where he was headed.

Ahead, he heard more growling, and Tarnish quailed as several wolves bounded out onto the road in front of him. He looked at them, his eyes narrowing, and he saw the wolves studying him.

“Come on! Eat me! Today can’t get any worse!”

The wolves, sniffing, all tucked their tails between their legs and ran away, yelping and yipping. Tarnish, who stood dripping on the road, had to endure the strange feeling of gratitude for being covered in manticore love juice.

He probably smelled so bad that nothing in its right mind would eat him.

A weed in the marsh

Ten bits. Ten whole bits. Tarnished Teapot had once had more money than this, but that was his mother’s money. This was his money. He had made this. He had earned this by the sweat of his back. He had a job, a boss that liked him, and Tarnish was thankful that he had managed to impress Buff Gaskins.

Sunburned, tired, dirty, and hungry, Tarnish headed for a place called The Roost. It was a place that rented rooms by the hour, by the day, or by the week. Buff had told him it was the one place that he could afford.

The Roost looked lopsided. Tarnish tilted his head when he saw the sign. He was certain that the whole building leaned off to one side just a little bit. Some of the windows were broken. He could hear a honky tonk piano inside, and somepony was singing.

He pushed his way through the batwing doors and stepped inside. The whole place stunk of smoke, sweat, and the sour smell of tobacco spit. There was sawdust upon the floor. As he stood in the doorway, a massive pegasus looked him over.

“You here to cause trouble?” the pegasus asked.

“I just want to rent a room,” Tarnish replied.

“Go through those doors back there,” the pegasus said in a low growl. “And you be polite to Misty or else… I’ll crack yer skull like a walnut.”

“Yes sir… I’m a very polite pony.” Tarnish backed away from the pegasus and then darted off through the crowd, hurrying towards the doors. He heard the pegasus chuckling behind him.

“Name is Misty Mondays. Rent is one bit for an hour, or two bits for a day. If you pay up front you can get a whole week for ten bits.”

Everything on the old mare sagged. She looked like a sun dried raisin. Her face held a thousand wrinkles and it appeared that smiling was a physical impossibility for her. Half of her left ear was missing and she had an eye patch over her left eye.

She had seen better days.

“I just got paid today… I have exactly ten bits. If I paid you for a week’s rent, that would leave me with nothing to buy a meal or anything else…”

“Tough teats kiddo,” Misty grumbled. Her lip twitched and ash fell from her cigar, falling down, drifting through the air like dirty grey snowflakes.

“Here you go, ten bits,” Tarnish said as he laid all ten of his bits down upon the counter.

“Room twenty three. If the mattress is wet, try flipping it over. If the mattress is still wet, sleep on the floor.” Misty’s cigar dropped more ash as she spoke. “Hmm, yer handsome. Want to earn a few bits?”

“Doing what?” Tarnish asked.

“Well, to start, you could use that prissy tongue of yours to clean the cobwebs from Misty’s old dirty mineshaft,” the perverse old mare replied and then she threw back her head to laugh at Tarnish when he shuddered.

“Madam, if I did that, I wouldn’t know which wrinkle to start licking. There is no map in existence that could help me find your box canyon amongst so many ravines.”

Misty’s remaining eye widened and the wrinkles on her face shifted as she fell silent. She stared at Tarnish, a look of stupefied awe upon her face. Tarnish meanwhile, thought about the big burly pegasus guarding the door.

The old mare exploded with laughter. She collapsed over the counter, wheezing, and for a moment, Tarnish thought that she might die from choking to death on her own phlegm. The old mare banged her hoof upon the counter, trying to suck in wind, wheezing and sputtering.

After a few minutes of laughter, she slid two bits back towards Tarnish. “You gave me too many bits. Here… just ten bits will do. Take these two bits and find something to eat… or would you still like a bite of old, chewy Misty?”

“Thank you,” Tarnish replied, taking the bits. He dropped them into his saddlebag, smiled, and departed up the stairs after also taking the key to his room.

Room twenty three was filthy and smelled… it smelled... the smell was an indescribable horror. Both sides of the mattress were wet and there was something sticky in one corner on the floor. The window was broken, which was a good thing. It let in a searing hot breeze and some fresh air from outside.

Starving, Tarnish only had two bits. He decided to eat in the morning, before showing up for work. He had walnuts in his saddlebags and those would just have to do. He backed himself into the cleanest corner available, the bed at the back of the room took up both of the rear corners. He lay down, opened his saddlebag, and levitated out a few walnuts. His magic fizzled and sparked, but nothing adverse seemed to happen. He cracked a few nuts, separated the meat, and tossed the shells into the dirty corner.

The room was like an oven, it was sweltering. The sound of the piano playing was loud, too loud, and the sounds of the ponies just downstairs filled his ears. This was a miserable experience, but Tarnish was determined to see it through. He had this room for a week, which meant that every bit he made could be used to buy things he needed and maybe save up for a better room someplace else.

He had done this himself. Tarnish felt an immense feeling of satisfaction. He was looking after himself. He had earned ten bits the hard way, had his own room, had a job, and he was making it on his own. He was surviving. He thought of Longhaul and their many long conversations.

As he ate walnuts, Tarnish thought of his mother, missing her. As soon as he had more money, a letter to his mother was in order, to let her know that he was okay. Pinny Lane wasn’t the greatest mother, she took the hooves off, free-roaming approach to parenting, but she was his mother, and Tarnish supposed that in her own way, his mother loved him. At least, she said she did. His mother loved bowling. That was her life, her primary interest, and how she made money.

The hour just after dawn was already too hot. Tarnish’s belly was full, he had secured a big bowl of plain oatmeal and a cup of hot coffee for two bits. The Pony Express dispatch had jobs listed for the day.

The jobs were pinned to a giant thermometer. The jobs near the bottom were the easiest, but paid the least. The jobs near the top paid the most, but also had the most danger. Other ponies milled around, earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns, all of them eyeing different jobs.

Buff Gaskins was out on the street, trying to get new recruits. Two couriers had not returned yesterday and five had quit after receiving their pay. There was no word on the status of the missing couriers. Either they had skipped town or they had been eaten. Nopony seemed to care.

After studying the dispatch board, Tarnish took a ticket with a twenty five bit mark on it and carried it over to the dispatcher’s window. After a moment, the dispatcher frowned at the ticket. “Gotta warn you, this job stinks.” The dispatcher began to chuckle and shook his head.

“It has good pay and doesn’t seem to be too dangerous…” Tarnish looked around and realised that the other ponies were sniggering and chortling. Something was up, and he wasn’t in on it. “Will this kill me?”

“Probably not. Parts of that trail are dangerous, but the Mellow Marsh isn’t all that bad. It is a ten mile run from here, at the bottom of a narrow crag where the meltwater from some tall mountains collects. It’s all swampy and gross. Getting there isn’t too hard, just the usual critters, jackalopes, chupacabras, flying rattlesnakes, longhorn bandits, dragons, the occasional wyvern, you know, the usual. But nopony ever wants to visit the Mellow Marsh. And you’ll find out why.”

“I think I can handle it,” Tarnish said with all the youthful swagger and confidence he could muster. He held his head high. “I made the trial run yesterday and got back before noon.”

“Yes, you did. So you’ve shown that you can run. I think you’ll be fine,” the dispatcher said and then continued to chortle. “Your package to deliver is on that table, match the number to that on the back of your ticket, and good luck. It was nice knowing ya.”

Scowling, Tarnish moved towards the table and looked around. There was a large wooden crate on the end of the table and Tarnish heaved a sigh when he realised that it was his package. He thought of his sunburned back and the wooden crate. Somepony had been thoughtful and left a section of rope with the wooden crate. A map was folded up on top of the wooden crate.

The crate had a name written on it. “Buttons.” Below that were the words “Mellow Marsh, derelict hut.” Tarnish heaved a sigh and wondered if he could even lift the crate up off the table with his telekinesis and then he worried about a surge.

“Need some help securing that to your back?” a unicorn mare asked.

“Yes please.” Tarnish nodded and thought of Longhaul.

A moment later, the crate was set upon Tarnish’s back. He hissed, feeling the weight of it as it settled onto his sunburned skin, but there was nothing he could do but suffer through it. He felt the ropes crossing around his body and Tarnish grunted when they were cinched tight. The wooden box was large but not that heavy, and for this, Tarnish was thankful.

“Yer a well mannered one,” the mare said. “Don’t see that often. Don’t get eaten.”

“Yes ma’am,” Tarnish replied.

“Good luck!” the mare said in a cheerful voice.

This had to be the most horrible place in all of Equestria, perhaps even worse than the Everfree. Tarnish hated nature with a burning passion. This morning had not gone well. More vampiric jackalopes, hostile vegetation, a pack of crackle jackals which had given him a good shock but at least they had not captured him, the huge patch of stranglesnatch vines had taken care of the jackals, and a group of donkey banditos in sombreros, which Tarnish had outran.

The donkeys had to slow down to keep their sombreros from blowing off of their heads.

He followed the winding trail down, a cloying stench in his nostrils. Ahead, he smelled rotting vegetation, and knew he was getting close. A foul miasma hung in the air. He was in the very bottom of a deep canyon, a fissure in the earth that existed between two tall mountains with snow covered peaks.

The air was cooler here, almost chilly. Tarnish was cautious as he continued forward upon the trail. His back, which had been sunburned, had been covered in blisters for a time, but the crate had long since rubbed away the blisters, leaving behind raw flesh. Each step was an experience in misery and trying to keep the crate from sliding along his back.

There was a wooden sign on the road. It read “Butenz.”

Green slimy stuff was on the rocks and the trail was becoming squishy. Water trickled down the sides of the canyon, dirty, muddy, brackish water. Mud dribbled down from overhanging ledges where the water collected and mixed with dust from the desert.

Tarnish saw greenery. For this, he was glad. There were flowers here, wildflowers that grew in the cool, moist earth. There were bushes now, and tiny trees that weren’t very big. It seemed like a peaceful enough place, which might be why they called it the Mellow Marsh.

It sure did stink though.

Tarnish came around the corner and saw a small black and white creature sitting in the middle of the trail in front of him. It hissed. Tarnish halted. The creature hissed again. Tarnish saw that it was skunk. But it was not a normal skunk, oh no, nature had to go and up the ante.

This was a winged skunk.

It spread its wings, hissed, and took the air. It let out a squealing cry and soon the air was filled with flying, winged skunks. Tarnish sighed and thought about how life just wasn’t fair, not at all.

“GAH!” Tarnish cried out when the first squirt of skunk musk hit him. His vision blurred over and his nostrils burned. “I hate my job!” he screamed as he took off, running forward into the marsh. The flying skunks followed, and strafed him with streams of wretched-smelling feculent liquid. “UGH!”

This was not the worst thing that had happened to Tarnish, and he knew that he would survive it. He ran as fast as he dared with his blurry vision, trying to follow the spongy trail. The ground squished now and his hooves sank down into the damp, fetid earth.

The flying skunks kept spraying and Tarnish kept running. He understood now why there were no predators to be found in the Mellow Marsh. His lungs burned and tears streamed from his eyes. Running caused the crate on his back and the ropes tied around his body to cut into his skin in the most cruel way imaginable.

After a few minutes, the skunks gave up their pursuit when they saw that Tarnish was no real threat, and Tarnish slowed down a bit. Almost crying, Tarnish continued along the trail, moving forward, and that was when he saw the smoke trailing upwards.

Almost sobbing with relief, he saw a ramshackle hut. There was a sign a short distance away and it said “bUtanz” in crude letters. He stumbled forwards, still half blind, his nostrils burning, glad to have arrived.

It looked as though half of the hut had sunk into the muck. There was a crude outhouse and several stones protruded up out of the filth. A path of stones lead to the front door and Tarnish followed them. Standing upon the front porch, he knocked.

The door opened a crack and a large grey-brown diamond dog peered out. She smiled a warm smile and pulled the door open all of the way. She wagged her tail and seemed excited to see Tarnish.

“Mmm, you smell good. Want to come eat? Eat frog stew? Make horse puppies with Buttons?” she asked.

“No thank you, ma’am,” Tarnish replied. “I have a package for you.”

“Mmm! Used toothbrushes for me to snack on!” The diamond dog bounced up and down with excitement. “You sure you no come in to eat frog stew or make horse puppies? You smell good… real good. Make Buttons drool on both ends.”

Tarnish sighed and looked up at the diamond dog. She looked lonely. She had to be lonely living all the way out here in the rough. Her eyes were sad but hopeful. Perhaps it was because Tarnish’s vision was still blurry from skunk stench, but Buttons looked miserable.

“Buttons no eat ponies… no liked by diamond dogs. Buttons live here because she not welcome in town. Buttons good dog.”

“Look, Buttons, I need a rest. How about I sit and stay a while with you, and we just talk, okay?” Tarnish asked.

“Sniff butts, be friends first, then we make horse puppies?” Buttons asked in reply. She batted her long eyelashes in a coy and playful way at Tarnish.

It took everything Tarnish had, but he held his disgust in and gave the diamond dog a polite smile. “Ma’am, maybe we’ll just try talking… but first, how about I get this crate off of my back?”

“Crate first, then sniff butts. Okay.” Buttons grinned, revealing long, sharp teeth.

Not knowing what to else to do, Tarnish sighed in resignation.

Author's Note

Does he or doesn't he? We'll never know...

The weed cares for his needs

Moving at a brisk canter, Tarnished Teapot headed home for Dodge City Junction. Nothing messed with him; the crackle jackals all turned tail and rain away. There were no signs of vampiric jackalopes. The midday sun was scorching. Tarnish figured that between the triple digit heat and his powerful stench, he would get home in safety.

As he walked, he thought of Buttons. She was just a lonesome soul, harmless, she wanted what everypony else wanted. Acceptance. She was sad to see him go, but Tarnish promised that he would deliver her future packages and return if he got the chance. He had stayed a while, had avoided eating frog stew, but had endured the butt sniffing.

It was just how diamond dogs started conversations, very much like a hoof bump. Most diamond dogs felt that ponies were rather rude and far too snobby because they refused to exchange pleasantries.

Tarnished Teapot didn’t know if he had learned a valuable lesson, but he had learned a lesson, and it was one he took to heart. As he headed homewards, he thought about his life. Ponies didn’t understand him. His magic made him suspicious. Previous to his banishment, he had always been defensive, guarded, even angry when confronted about his magic, he had been rude, even outright hostile. He thought about how he had wanted to zap Twilight Sparkle as he had left town.

Perhaps if he had been kinder, perhaps if he had been more polite, the residents of Ponyville might have been more tolerant. Tarnish realised he had been a real jerk for the past four years, and he felt somewhat bothered by the fact.

He had been following Longhaul’s advice about being polite and so far, things had been going rather well. But then again, his magic hadn’t done anything spectacularly bad just yet, like turning a stallion into a mare or wrecking half of the town.

At least Big Mac had recovered after the magic wore off, even if the shame had lived on.

Overhead, a rather good sized dragon circled a few times, and Tarnish tilted his head to look at it. He felt a moment of panic upon seeing it, and wondered what would happen if he zapped it. Dragons were required by treaty to not eat ponies if they wanted to stay on good terms with the Royal Pony Sisters, but not all dragons followed the rules if they thought they could get away with it. In the badlands, there was a lot that the Royal Pony Sisters did not see.

The dragon sneezed, shook its head in disgust, and then with its wings flapping, it took off as fast as possible to be away from Tarnish. As Tarnish was discovering, stink was a wonderful way to keep yourself safe. Tarnish was far too stinky to be eaten by anything, or so Tarnish hoped.

“Twenty five bits.” The dispatcher waved Tarnish away. “You STINK!”

“Don’t care, got paid,” Tarnish replied. The dispatch office was empty, every other pony had fled when Tarnish had entered. Tarnish dumped his bits into his saddlebags, grinned at the dispatcher, and waggled his eyebrows. “I’m going to take a second job today. While I’m good and stinky, I plan to make the most of it.”

“Oh for the love of tomatoes, you’re a madpony,” the dispatcher said as he fanned his nose. “Go pay for a bath or something!”

“And take away this wonderful natural defense?” Tarnish shook his head. “Nothing out there in the badlands wants anything to do with me. If I keep my wits and use my head, I can stay safe out there. I think I’ll take me a dangerous job and see how it goes.”

Turning, Tarnished Teapot headed for the job thermometer. There was no sense in being stupid, Tarnish was just clever enough to understand a good risk and reward system though. He avoided the jobs at the top of the thermometer and focused upon the jobs in the middle. If this worked, Tarnish figured that he might have to go out to the Mellow Marsh for regular visits to his new friend, Buttons.

“What in tarnation!” Buff Gaskins cried as he stepped into the dispatch office. The stallion gagged, shook his head, and then departed as fast as his legs would allow. “Somepony needs A BATH!”

Tarnish saw a seventy five bit ticket, medium risk. He tugged the ticket down and took it over to the dispatcher, who looked very unhappy about his job at the current moment. He set the ticket down upon the counter and looked the dispatcher in the eye.

“That one is a few days old. Another package run, but this package is smaller. Much smaller. Should fit in your saddlebag. You’ll have to cross the Putrid Plains. Alkali flats. There is a salt mine out there. Take some extra water, it’s hot, and all the water out that way is poisonous. Watch your hooves and keep a quick step, your hooves will start to dissolve after a while. The trail is marked by wooden stakes with red paint every hundred yards or so once you get out onto the Putrid Plains proper. The sun will kill you, so cover yourself as much as possible. I know it seems counterintuitive to wear a long coat or a duster, but I’m telling ya, the sun will kill you. So buy a hat and a duster before you go. Buy a few extra canteens. On the way out to the Putrid Plains, you might run into crackle jackals, but you should be able to avoid them. Because YOU STINK!”

“Thank you. I shall return later for my pay,” Tarnish said.

When Tarnish entered the dry goods store, the mare by the counter screamed bloody murder. She backed away, her eyes watering, and she covered her nose with her folded fetlock, trying to shield her nostrils from the stench wafting off of Tarnish.

“Sorry… I know I smell bad, but I have bits to spend. I need a duster and a good hat,” Tarnish said in an apologetic voice as he stood in the doorway of the store. “Also a need a canteen or three.”

“GO AWAY! YOU SMELL!”

“I’m sorry ma’am, hazard of the job, but I really need those items… please?” Tarnish tried to make himself look as pathetic as possible, which wasn’t hard. His sunburn showed through his chocolate brown pelt, he was covered in dust, and his legs were still covered in marsh muck.

“If I give you what you want, do you promise that you will go away as soon as possible?” the mare asked.

“I give you my word,” Tarnish replied.

“You stay right there. Don’t you take another step or I’ll call the sheriff.” The mare looked Tarnish over. “I’d say you’re a medium… I have a hat on sale, nopony wants it, it isn’t stylish, but it is good in hot weather.”

“What’s wrong with it?” Tarnish tilted his head and stayed put.

“It is a genuine pith helmet from Trottingham. If you soak it in water, it acts like a sponge. While you are wearing it, the water will evaporate and it will keep your brain from cooking. Nopony wants it, the western hats are in fashion right now.” The mare scowled. “It is a steal at five bits. I paid twenty five bits for it from the hat supplier, and it’s been in my shop for over a year now.”

“I’m not picky about looks.” Tarnish nodded his head and grinned. “If it is as practical as you say, I’ll take it.”

The mare pulled a box off of a shelf, set it down upon the ground, turned around, and with her hind hoof, she kicked the box over to Tarnished Teapot. It slid over the rough wooden planks of the floor, and the box skidded to a halt in front of Tarnish.

Curious, he bent his head down, tugged the box open, and looked inside. There was a broad brimmed pith helmet. Tarnish had never seen one in pony before, but he had seen them in books and movies. His horn sparked a bit as he lifted it in his telekinesis. It was off white on the top and bright green felt adorned the underside. There was a series of adjustable straps that went around the head that held the pith helmet away from the head and allowed for airflow.

In the bottom of the box there was a pair of goggles, trimmed in brass with oilcloth canvas straps. Tarnish looked up. “There are goggles in here.”

“They come with the helmet I guess… I won’t change the price I quoted,” the mare replied as she moved around a rack covered in dusters and long coats.

Grinning, Tarnish slipped the broad brimmed pith helmet onto his head. It slipped into place and his ears had plenty of room under the hat. He gave his ears a wiggle. The straps were comfortable, covered in some kind of thick, durable feeling absorbent material, and it seemed to fit okay. Tarnish figured he might fiddle with them later, perhaps. It was nice when a hat just fit you, perhaps as a subtle indicator that the hat was just meant to be yours.

“I have a somewhat used duster in your size. Cheap. Ten bits,” the mare said.

“Used?” Tarnished looked over at the mare as he slid the goggles around his neck. “The previous owner didn’t like it?”

“The previous owner is dead,” the mare replied. “Don’t worry, he didn’t die in his coat, from what I understand it was wadded up at the foot of the bed when he was kicked to death.”

“Oh… I see.” Tarnish’s head jerked back.

“He only owned it for a few hours, so it is like new. Still has the tags. He had himself a big payday and splurged a bit.” The mare shook her head. “I remember him. Courier. Was real proud of the dangerous job he took.”

“If it fits, I’ll take it,” Tarnish said. “I gotta go before the stink wears off. I have a job to do.”

“Oh trust me, the stink is still plenty strong,” the mare said as she leveled an icy stare at Tarnish. “I have one jumbo canteen in stock. It’s in the back, the one on display just got sold. It’s nice, well made, and it is cheaper than buying multiple canteens.”

“Ma’am, I have exactly twenty five bits and I was hoping to get a little lunch before I headed out again. I do have a seventy five bit job that I am about to do, but I don’t have that money yet.” Tarnish offered the mare a kind smile.

“I’ll let you have the pith helmet, the duster, and the canteen for twenty one bits. Normally, the canteen is ten bits. That’ll leave you a few bits for lunch. But only if you promise to TAKE A BATH BEFORE YOU EVER EVEN THINK OF COMING BACK INTO MY STORE!”

“I’ll try to be more considerate in the future, but this stink will keep me safe on my job. I only came here because I needed gear to survive, and I am really, very sorry.” Tarnish bowed his head a little and tried to express how sorry he was with his facial expression.

“Good. Leave twenty one bits on the table by the door. I’ll bring your canteen and your duster over in just a moment. Thank you for your business!”

His belly full, the strap of his canteen heavy against his neck, his pith helmet soaked with water to keep his head cool, and a long duster that for some reason kept him feeling cooler covering his body to protect it from the sun, Tarnish stared at the trail leading out of town. He slid his goggles up his neck and over his eyes.

He looked odd, but Tarnish didn’t care. The pith helmet had a wonderful cooling effect, almost like air conditioning, and the faded brown oilskin duster kept his tender skin out of the sun. Tarnish was most surprised by how much cooler he felt under his long coat and could not figure out why it worked out this way.

The midday sun was a blazing, burning fury that hung overhead. The temperature on the thermometer outside of the dry goods store had said one hundred and eleven degrees.

Feeling good about life, Tarnish took off to finish his job.

Author's Note

Clever colt. Right?

Bug

From the journal of Maud Pie—

I bared my heart to you, to let you know that I am not a stone

I tested you with silence, leaving you alone

There was a lot of time and pressure, a metamorphic pause

You had a broken leg when I found you, and I wrapped it up in gauze

You touched my heart, I made a splint

You have discovered I’m not made of flint

I can’t believe you ate a bug

Maud Pie

Don't sweat the petty stuff and don't pet the sweaty stuff

From the journal of Maud Pie—

I have done everything I can to get him to notice me. I’ve followed Limestone’s advice and tried to be alluring. I’m not sure I’m doing a very good job. Every time I almost get him to kiss me, something happens that spoils the moment. I am starting to get frustrated. I think I might have to take matters into my own hooves and kiss him, but I don’t want to seem too forward. Limestone says I need to play hard to get, but I think I’m already pretty difficult to figure out for most ponies. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve never kissed anypony before. I get so nervous around him. My heart starts pounding and I feel so sweaty and weird. Normally, I don’t mind being sweaty, but around him, I worry about all sorts of silly things. I don’t know what comes over me.

He watches everything I do. He hangs upon my every word. He likes my poetry. He likes me. I’ve finally found a pony that likes me. He’s a little young, he’s still a colt, but mother says a few years of difference don’t matter. Mother says he’s starved for love and affection. She feels bad for him.

I can’t wait to travel with him. I can’t wait to see some of the world with him. Finally, I can travel and not be alone. I really hope that this works out. I don’t like being alone. Marble might find comfort in solitude but I don’t. The loneliness has reached a point where it has become painful.

Here is to hoping that he is the one. ♡

Author's Note

Sorry, but the journal entries will always be short.

Well, that's crossed off of my list, time to update other stories.