Aw, King Grover, you old charmer!
“Soo hungry!” Pinkie whimpered from her seat in the train cabin across from Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow looked tired and hungry as well. “For the hundredth time, Pinkie, there's nothing we can do. At least we're almost back to Ponyville. I can't wait to get me a hay burger and a soft cloud to relax on.”
Pinkie looked wistfully out the train cart window at the passing landscape. “Oh! Gummy,” she smiled suddenly, her gaze unfocused, though she seemed to be talking to her pet alligator as if he were present. “That looks amazing! I just knew you'd come through! Granny Pie's super-special triple-chocolate, fifteen-layer marjolaine cake looks absolutely peeerfect.” Pinkie half-moaned, her eye's became wide, and she started to drool at non-existent cake.
“Pink! Snap out of it!” The concerned pegasus waved a hoof in front of her friend.
“Whaza!—cake-a-lie!? Oh! ... Sorry, Dashie.” The pink pony continued to look miserable again, slumping back in her seat.
Silence settled between the two ponies. It might have helped distract them, thought Rainbow, if only they had something to talk about or do. They'd already slept, talked about just about everything worth talking about, and, while travel games were fun, they'd played so many of them already and had so little energy for lack of nourishment that Rainbow had asked to stop playing, and Pinkie hadn't even objected.
Rainbow sighed. “So...” The cyan pony didn't bother hiding an uncertain frown. “I know you grew up on a rock farm, but do you, uh... have some sort of a... thing for rocks?”
Uncomfortable as the question was, at least it served its purpose. The pink pony perked up, and her head tilted, interested. “A thing for rocks? Like what kind of thing? Like a shovel or a pickaxe? Cuz I have lots of things for rocks! I keep most of them back home on the farm, though. Did you need to borrow some?”
“No, Pinkie. No,” Rainbow grimaced at having to explain. “I mean a thing like, the way you, uh... talked to rocks at Gummy's birthday party or... like that old statue in Griffonstone. I mean, I won't judge.” Rainbow looked up to prevent herself from appearing overly critical. “Do you, I mean... do you like rocks... like do you wanna... pretend to go on dates with them, or do—have... sex with them?” she forced out the last part, sure she'd better be clear unless she wanted to beat around the bush until they got home. ... That might not have been a bad idea, actually. Too late.
Pinkie's eyes grew wide and she looked nervously from side to side. “U-uhhh.” The verbal pause came out a nervous giggle, and Pinkie stopped to look down and swallow. “J-just cuz I talk to rocks sometimes doesn't mean I like to grind them that way!” Pinkie squeaked. The skeptical look on Rainbow Dash's face told her she needed a different strategy. “B-besides, that's kind of... personal, doncha think?” Pinkie looked back accusingly, hoping an offensive approach would save her from embarrassment.
“Alright. I get it!” Rainbow conceded. “We don't have to talk about it. Sorry I brought it up.”
Pinkie Pie trembled, unable to withstand the overwhelming pressure beset her by Rainbow Dash. “I admit iih-hi-hiht!” Pinkie Pie wailed loudly.
Rainbow was stunned momentarily by the outburst and the fact that her friend actually seemed to be confessing to masturbating with rocks.
“But—but—” Pinkie sobbed “—I only do it cause I miss her soooo much!”
“What? Pinkie,” Dash tried to hold the weeping party pony's attention. “Who is her?”
“M-Muhh-Maaauud! Uaahaaha~”
Rainbow's jaw dropped, and she gaped, double-stunned, while her friend continued to cry.
“Uhh...” Rainbow Dash finally managed. Nothing she could think to say seemed like it would help. The rainbow-maned pony looked to the corridor outside their cabin to make sure nopony had been standing nearby, listening. The constant rumble and clack of the train over the tracks and the walls of their private cabin would have mostly drowned out anything Pinkie had said, but her wails might have carried. Fortunately, nopony appeared to be spying on them. Rainbow lowered her hooves tentatively to the cart's floor and stepped across to sit next to the Pink pony and rest a hoof on her back reassuringly.
Immediately, Pinkie felt better, though it still took her a minute to calm down.
Sniffling, Pinkie looked back at Rainbow. “Sorry, I get a bit emotional when I'm hungry, and I'm really hungry.”
“Duly noted,” Rainbow Dash wouldn't forget. “Do you, umm... wanna talk about it?” There was no way to escape it now, though she hoped there wouldn't be much to say.
“There's not all that much to say, really...”
A half hour later, the train pulled into Ponyville station.
“... and that's how Maud took my virginity.” Pinkie finished with a nostalgic sigh. “Oh look! We're home! We're home!”
Rainbow Dash sat with an aroused nosebleed, a twitching eye, and a wide-mouthed expression of absolute incredulity.
Noting her friend's state, Pinkie offered Rainbow a party napkin from her mane. “Ya got a little excited there!” Pinkie giggled.
Rainbow closed her mouth and took the napkin wordlessly to apply it to her face.
“C'mon, Rainbow! Let's go drown my sorrow and our hunger in hay burgers and milkshakes!”
Rainbow Dash snapped out of her wide-eyed trance, and, sighing, followed Pinkie out of the cabin to deboard the train. “Pinkie, remind me never to ask you about your sex life again.”
Pinkie looked back over her shoulder at the conflicted friend, smiling with a half-lidded expression. “Before I forget, Rainbow, don't ever ask me about my sex life again.”
Rainbow facehoofed. “Fine. And, I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll ever be able to help you taste-test rock candy again.”
“Fair enough!” Pinkie chirped. “And if you ever change your mind and want some tips on where to find the friendliest rocks around Ponyville, just say the word.”
Rainbow Dash considered. “That... is the worst thing you could have said after hearing your and Maud's first time. I have to walk past rocks in Ponyville every day, y'know! Sheesh, Pinkie, didn't anypony ever tell you some things are better left unsaid?”
“Maud tried to tell me after the gala just last week when we—”
Rainbow's hoof suddenly blocked any further detail. “Please, for my sanity, also keep any more of your sisterly memories to yourself for at least the next month. I get enough looks from, well... she's not biologically my sister, but I still don't need any more reason to worry her fanfillying is less than innocent.”
Pinkie didn't continue her story, but looked sympathetically at Rainbow. “You wanna talk about it?”
“Definitely—not.”
Author's Note
For those interested, I wrote a short, funny sort of micro-fic (still non-explicit) of what I thought Pinkie/Maud's beginning might be like in a collab here: Lie by Flutterpony (under 600 words).
