Pinkie-Espresso-Bomb

by Word Painter

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Prince Blueblood, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1238

A pony extremest bent on ending the rule of celestial and luna came to the gala with a perfect plain. Give the pink one super sugar rush inducing highly concentrated expresso. Shenanigans ensue.

A pony extremist bent on ending the rule of Celestia and Luna came to the gala with a perfect plan: give the pink one super sugar-rush inducing, highly concentrated expresso. This increases Pinkie's pinkyness, and breaks Equestria.

Warning: fourth wall smashing!

Published 2015-05-26 07:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-26 07:40:02 UTC

At the Galla

The heavy silk curtain made a slight swooshing sound as it was gently parted by a regal blue magical aura. Duke Pure Coat trotted into the space, taking a seat at his designated cushion, and looked around at the faces of his fellow unicorn elite. The back room of Prince Blueblood's chambers was filled with the lineage of the original unicornian council of the sun and moon. The bright insignia of the cult burned across the table at which the conspirators sat. The room was utterly silent; not a single mare or stallion spoke a word. Then from the end of the table came the cracked voice of a old stallion who had been around to see many a sunset.

"The princesses must fall at all cost." The stallion's tone held the authority of a ruler and the certainty of a scholar. The weight of his words sank over the crowd like the heavy mass of the sun itself. That was not a problem, of course; these ponies would soon raise and lower the moon and sun, after all.

"How?" Duke Pure Coat asked. "We have been trying and failing for over a thousand years!"

"I have a plan," the older stallion replied, coolly shooting a "you-better-shut-up" look at the Duke. The group gasped; they had not had a plan in over five years. All they had done was throw darts at a picture of Celestia's face. They also sometimes went on 4chan and yelled, complained, ranted, and otherwise negatively impacted the princess' online reputation, because on the internet no pony knows you're a cultist trying to overthrow the government. (Also, sometimes if they were feeling daring, they disliked the princess' YouTube).

"At the gala this year we position the pink friend of Twilight Sparkle next to Celestia," said the aged mage.

"Yeah, so what? The pink party pony meets the princess, big deal," Pure Coat remarked hotly.

The cult had been using their operatives in Ponyville to access information on Twilight and her friends in the hopes of possibly using them to their advantage. Also, they wanted to post mean things on their Facebuck page to ruin their self esteem, because everypony knows the best way to break a baker's heart is to call her face dumb.

The old stallion shot the Duke another look before continuing on. "Then we give her a super concentrated, extra caffeinated espresso shot, with sugar cubes. She will spontaneously combust, destroying the princesses along with the Elements of Harmony!"

The room erupted with dissenting ponies loudly voicing their concerns. The group did not like the thought of endangering all the high class ponies in Canterlot. The verbal attacks ended abruptly as the wise old mage raised his hoof.

"We can time it at the end of the princess' greeting session. No pony except the princess and the Elements of Harmony will be on the steps. We can use the unicorn amulet to seal off the staircase, and end the princess and the Elements of Harmony all at once."

All in attendance knew that the unicorn king and council would soon rule Equestria once again.

"This night needs to be PERFECT, " Twilight thought, looking up nervously at her mentor. Celestia stood, regal and tall, projecting an air of professionalism over the event. Twilight, knowing her teacher better than almost any pony, knew that below her polite smile she was bored out of her mind. Looking out over the crowd, Twilight spotted an amulet around the neck of a very nervous looking high mage. However, Twilight had no time to think about the high mage; the last of the ponies had been greeted and it was time for the princesses to take the first annual gala picture.

It all happened so fast. The cup was levitated to Pinkie's lips, and the stairs were sectioned off within a instant. It took Twilight a moment to realize what was happening. She saw the Starbucks cup and Pinkie's twitching, and in the blink of a eye she raised her own protective shield around the princesses. Pinkie's bouncing got faster and faster, accelerating until the Element of Laughter was just a pink blur. Then she stopped, hovering in mid-air above the princesses, her eyes glowing with a blinding light.

"My little pony, MY LITTLE POOOOOOONNNYYYY, AHHHH AHHH AHHAHAHAHH!" Pinky began to sing in a detached voice laced with insane laughter. Every pony looked on in horror as Pinkie pie raised her glowing hooves. Suddenly every pony knew why they could use 4chan and YouTube. Before they just did it without question, posted ponies on social media. The truth suddenly flooded the heads of the ponies. The mystical fourth wall was broken!

Suddenly Pinkie Pie was gone. A magical ripple went out over Canterlot, erasing the memory of the fourth wall break and replacing it with the image of a pop-tart cat flying through space.

Pinky Pie materialized in a world of thought, her body nonexistent, as she became a being of pure caffeinated consciousness. Surrounding her was a hall of memories, all scattered and jumbled. Pinkie Pie was not fazed by her magic teleportation, nor by her non sequitur surroundings. For some strange reason Pinkie Pie KNEW there was someone else here. She could FEEL IT. She couldn't tell you how she felt it because she was a thought creature but she JUST KNEW, OK?

"Hi there, I'm Pinkie Pie. What is your name?" Pinkie Pie said to the wide expanse of memories and thoughts (a large potion of which was filled with T.V. shows and movies).

"You already know my name," the author typed. "I'm the one writing this story."

"Whoa, double fourth wall break," the author made Pinky say to herself. (By herself, I mean the writer, and technically Pinkie, because Pinkie Pie exists in the writer's own head. Also, by the same logic, she said it to all of Equestria, but they did not hear it over the meows of Nyan Cat, which the author was using to pacify the pastel ponies.)

" You really need to go to bed now," 'Pinky Pie' said sternly.

"But this story is not yet 1,000 words; it needs to be longer; plus, I have more crazy comedy to type," I say to Pinky Pie. (Is saying "I" breaking another wall? You know what, whatever; it's way too late for me to be thinking about this.)

"No "buts"; you need to get some sleep so you can get up early and edit this," 'Pinkie' retorted.

Pinkie Pie began to fade away as the wall in the fourth wall began to close, and the espresso wore off.

There was a large flash as Pinkie Pie materialized. Her sudden appearance sent off a blast of magic, erasing pop tart cat from the minds of Equestria. Pinky Pie set down the cup, which for the sake of convenience had ended up in her hoof. The pink pony simply giggled and looked out at the unicorn elite in the audience, who all stood flabbergasted.

"WHAT? SHE DIDN'T SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST??" Duke Pure Coat screamed in frustration. All eyes turned to the Duke, whose magic was flaring with rage.

"Why didn't who spontaneously combust?" Celestia asked, already knowing the answer. She had seen the coffee cup that Pinky had taken a sip from.

Pinky just smiled.

Author's Note

this was edited by latin linguist.