Adagio Dazzle and the Legend of the Naan Bread

by Temmie

Rating: mature
Tags: Aria Blaze, Comedy, Adagio Dazzle, Random, Sex, Sonata Dusk, Human, Sunset Shimmer, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 1224

Adagio goes to Tesco to get some naan bread.

Adagio Dazzle goes to Tesco to buy naan bread, but things quickly get out of hand.

Co-authors: Vital Spark and Lesbian Adagio Dazzle
Edited by Vital Spark and Lesbian Adagio Dazzle

"So beautiful I cry every time 9/11" —My mum
"A profound work that will change the state of fan fiction forever" —Guardian
"I didn't like it. Zero stars." —The Daily Fuck

Disclaimer: This is a trollfic and in no way intended to be taken seriously and all characters are at least 18 in this story.

Published 2015-05-26 18:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-26 18:20:01 UTC

Everything.

One day Adagio went to Tesco to buy some naan bread and there was a huge candle sale that distracted her. As she walked towards the product, she mused upon the distraction that the candle sale had provided. Adagio thought it was the naked models that distracted her the most. One of the candles had what appeared to a naked picture of Aria. Adagio imagined herself on that candle looking so fucking sexy that she gave herself an orgasm in public as usual.

She quickly tried to cover up her little mishap. But then the security guard with fiery red hair and teal eyes noticed and brought her around the back to her office. She showed Adagio her security footage and masturbated as she did, causing Adagio to blush like a kawaii Japanese school girl. The siren turned her face away from the officer, named Sunset Shimmer, to hide her embarassment, but that was all part of Sunset's plan because she quickly pinned the Dazzling against the wall, leaving her helpless and at the officer's mercy.

Surprise present on the elder siren's features, Sunset began to zealously rip the clothing off of Adagio and smash her lips against the siren's in a heated kiss. She leaned over and put on the radio. It was playing "Shy Guy" by Diana King. The speakers filled the air with King's lyrical genius.

The situation got worse as Aria burst into the room, also in an officer's outfit and clutching her baton. Then a spooky scary skeleton jumped out of the closet and pooped on Aria.

Aria whacked Sunset and the skeleton in the back of the knees and yelled, "how many times do I have to tell you? I get first use of the 'produce'?" Aria grabbed the skeleton by its wrist and dragged it into the closet with her. After a few seconds, loud moaning could be heard from the closet.

This completely turned Sunset off. Sunset was so turned off that she picked up a shotgun and killed Sweggy McMortal and then teabagged her corpse, even if she didn't have a dick, because YOLO. But all this had the opposite effect on Adagio, who was so turned on by the Aria x skeleton make out session, and the skeleton pooping, and the teabagging that she had three hundred orgasms right then and there.

She dragged Adagio with her into her secret sex dungeon under the store and then chained Adagio to a bed. "I'm going to fuck you like the little bitch you are because I'm a big bad girl, and you're just a kawaii little Japanese school girl. And everybody knows kawaii Japanese school girls have no rights any more, not since the passage of the Kawaii Japanese School Girl Act (2013). So I would only find it appropriate for you to get raped by the spooky horny skeleton!"

The spooky scary skeleton committed Seppuku because it didn't want to be a part of this shit.

Sunset fingered Adagio's glorious pussy. It didn't take long for the siren to explode into moans and whimpers as her excitement splattered everywhere.

Meanwhile Sonata went to the security office and found Aria still in the closet, crying because the spooky skeleton had left her. Sonata encouraged Aria to come out of the closet, but Aria refused to come out of the closet and decided to cum inside it instead to mental pictures of edgy rocks.

Back in the sex dungeon, Adagio couldn't contain herself. She summoned forth her siren-form, pushed Sunset aside, and proceeded to pleasure herself. Sunset became a raging she-demon yaoi fangirl and decided to draw some erotic art between Sombra and Hans of the Southern Isles.

Sombra and Hans came to life off the page and started running around the room, attacking everyone, and flipping out (because they were ninjas and had REAL ULTIMATE POWER), but they were both only 5 inches tall. After mildly annoying Sunset and Adagio with their powers, they went upstairs and into Aria's closet, swimming around in her juices, Sonata still trying to get her out of there but to no avail.

Sunset licked Adagio's nipples like they were covered in catnip because Sunset is half cat and half sex.

Adagio put her arms around Sunset and stroked the back of her head, sighing, "good pussy..."

Sunset purred like the she demon/cat/sex she was and rubbed her body against Adagio.

Adagio rolled Sunset over so that she was on top. "My turn," Adagio growled. She bared her teeth and bit Sunset on the breast. Not hard enough to draw blood, but almost. Sunset moaned with pleasure because she liked that kind of shit. Adagio bit harder and actually took a bite out of her breast, even getting a little taste of her milk. Sunset came so hard Adagio almost fell of off her but she stayed on and continued eating Sunset.

Luna came from out of the shadows and shouted "Ha! Gheeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! Fkn Fgts. You do realize, Adagio, that this has all been a dream, don't you?"

Adagio was like, "so I didn't really come to Tesco?".

"Oh, no, that bit was real. Everything up to when you escaped from the chains was real. You're still in the chains," Luna said.

Adagio woke up and she was still in the chains with Sunset towering over her. She realized that Sunset was so terrible at fucking that she must have fallen asleep. Sunset still humping her, lacking in passion and effort. She almost fell asleep again.

"Can you stop being so fucking shit at fucking me or at least let me swap places?" Adagio said unamused.

"If you're going to be like that," said Sunset, and stormed out of the room without completing the sentence. A few minutes later she reappeared with Aria, Sonata, and a few bits of the spooky skeleton's corpse (even though the skeleton was already a corpse really) and finished the sentence. "... then I'm going to enlist help!"

They all gathered around her and came simultaneously at the mere sight of Adagio's beautiful body. Even the skeleton.

"You guys are fucked when I get out of here!" roared Adagio.

Sunset said, "what makes"; Sonata continued, "you think you'll"; and Aria finished, "ever get out of here?" They spoke as one. As a hive mind.

"Because your chains are made from sugar and they dissolved when you all came over them." Adagio got off the bed and quickly headed for the exit.

She then sprouted a pair of great flaming bat-like wings out of her back, making Sunset's look shit compared to hers, and flew high into the sky like a fkn boss.

Sonata, Sunset, and Aria tried to chase after her on foot, waving bits of the spooky skeleton in the air. But they kept slipping on all the cum on the floor so couldn't catch up.

The mini Sombra and Hans burst out of the closet on a paper airplane, giving chase to Adagio for some reason, shooting balls of Aria's cum at Adagio.

Adagio changed her name to Afagio because everything is so fucking ghey. Finally, she got back home to her cave or wherever the fuck she lived, scraped off as much of the cum as she could, and arrived at a profound realization: "I forgot the fucking naan bread".