I Left My Butt in Appleloosa
I Left My Butt in Appleloosa
by Present Perfect
"Ugh." Apple Bloom scowled as she pushed a broom across the rodeo arena. "Ain't it bad enough you get to back to Ponyville with a shiny trophy, and all we're bringin' back is these same old blank flanks?"
She and her friends turned to gaze upon their markless behinds. Applejack may have been underwater for all that they heard whatever she was saying.
"What if..." Scootaloo licked her lips. Her expression was so intense, the others couldn't help being drawn to it. "What if we just left them here?"
A smile dawned on Apple Bloom's face like smoke rising from a charred pancake. She spoke with deliberation. "Scootaloo? That's the best idea you've ever had."
"Well, here we are, home sweet Ponyville!" Applejack inhaled dramatically as she stepped off the train, the three fillies following close behind her. "And wasn't it nice of the buffalo to give y'all them sarapes?"
"It sure was!" Sweetie said. The Crusaders shared the clandestine giggle of ponies with a common secret. As they paraded off the train onto the platform, the colorful buffalo-print capes fluttered over their hindquarters.
"Why, Sweetie Belle, I bet your sister'll think they're the bees knees! Y'all run along now 'n' play," Applejack said, gazing longingly at her reflection in the trophy before setting it on her back. "Me 'n' Big Goldie here got a hot date tonight."
None of the fillies noticed her leave, cooing to her trophy.
"So what should we do first?" Scootaloo asked. Before her friends had a chance to respond, a pair of shrill voices cut the midday air.
"Well, well, if it isn't the three blank flanks, back from Dust Bowl City!"
"Too bad you didn't get stampeded by buffalo. It would have done wonders for your figure, Sweetie Belle!" Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon punctuated their taunts with cruel laughter.
Sweetie stuck out her lower lip, eyes brimming with tears. Scootaloo glowered, crouching low and pawing the ground. But before either could do more, Apple Bloom stepped forward, determination on her face.
"You take that back! We ain't blank flanks no more."
The two bullies stopped laughing, fixing Apple Bloom with suspicious stares. "Don't tell me you losers got your cutie marks in Appleoosa," Diamond Tiara said, spitting the town's name out like a piece of rotten apple.
"Not quite." With a small smirk, Apple Bloom nodded to her friends. As one, they turned, presenting their sides to Diamond and Silver. With a fluid motion, as though they had spent the train ride back from Appleoosa practicing their choreography, which they had, they flipped their sarapes up, providing a clean view of their haunches.
The color drained from Silver Spoon's face. Diamond Tiara screamed. They collapsed on top of one another, fainted dead away.
Dropping their capes, the three Crusaders grinned at each other.
"You girls know what this means?" Apple Bloom said, vibrating with excitement.
"We're finally free!" Sweetie shouted.
"We're invincible!" cried Scootaloo.
"Granny Smith 'n' AJ can never whoop me again!" Apple Bloom squealed. Her friends seemed slightly confused. Sweetie nevertheless clapped Scootaloo on the back.
"This really was your best plan ever."
"Okay, squirt!" Rainbow Dash said. "Today, I'm gonna teach you about kickoffs. They're a cool way to get yourself airborne and might be just the boost you need to start flying. First you duck low, like this." She crouched and wiggled her rear. "Then spread your wings." She did so. "And just use those powerful haunch muscles to push yourself up."
Kicking up a flurry of dust, Rainbow launched herself into the air. She pulled a loop, going into a hover a few lengths up. "See? It's easy. Now you try it!"
Scootaloo's face fell. "Uhh, Rainbow Dash? I don't think my haunch muscles are all that powerful anymore."
Rainbow frowned, looking at Scootaloo as though she hadn't seen the filly before. "Huh. Yeah, you might need to work on that. Also, no offense, but that's kinda gross."
Scootaloo sighed.
Rarity groaned and looked up from her sewing machine. "Sweetie Belle, would you please sit still? You cannot help me if you're going to be constantly fidgeting. It's distracting!"
"Sorry, Rarity." Sweetie crossed her legs, shifting endlessly on the stool. "I'm trying to be good, honest! But I kinda... can't sit."
Rarity frowned, looking at Sweetie as though she hadn't seen the filly before. Then, with a shriek, she fainted.
Sweetie Belle sighed.
"Stir yer stumps, young 'un!" Granny Smith said, waving her hooves at Apple Bloom. "There's trees out there what need t'be bucked, and I cain't find yer sister nowhere!"
"Don't really feel like applebuckin'," Apple Bloom mumbled.
Granny performed a double-take. "What? Nopony ever earned her cutie mark sittin' around doin' nothin'!"
Apple Bloom winced. "Don't think I'll be gettin' a cutie mark at all, now."
Stomping a hoof, Granny wrinkled her forehead. It was an impressive feat. "Why, I never! I got half a mind t'paddle ya senseless, li'l missy, lessin' ya move yer caboose this instant!"
"Can't really do that, neither." Apple Bloom got to her hooves and moped off.
Big Macintosh, passing by with a cart of apple baskets, frowned, looking at Apple Bloom as though he hadn't seen the filly before.
"That ain't right," he said.
Apple Bloom sighed.
"Nope," said Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Apple Bloom opened her mouth. "But--"
"Nope! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope." Twilight backed up the length of her throne room. "Magically removing your hindquarters without bleeding to death or leaving horrendous scars is not a thing that can be done. In fact, I don't believe it happened! So you three are just going to have to go back to Appleoosa and undo whatever it is you patently didn't do in the first place before I have a fourth-degree conniption and turn Spike into a globe again!"
Spike clasped his hands together, looking at the Crusaders with pleading eyes. "Please, just go!"
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo sighed.
"Maybe we should, girls," Apple Bloom said.
Scootaloo hung her head. "This isn't as fun as I thought it would be."
"I really gotta go," Sweetie Belle added.
Apple Bloom made a face. "I already tried. Trust me, it ain't pretty."
"Outoutout!" Twilight shouted and swept them out the door of the castle. Once they were outside, she teleported them to the train station. Then she teleported them a bag of bits. Then she teleported herself to her bedroom, along with sections E-G of her royal library.
Spike sighed.
Meanwhile, back at the barn...
"Applejack, are you in here? Granny Smith said she hadn't seen you, and it's time for Winona's flea bath, and..."
Fluttershy became aware of a voice inside the barn and stopped.
"Oh! Mmm! Oh Goldie, yes, yes!"
She eeped as Applejack rolled across the barn's opening, coming to rest against a hay bale. She was clutching a trophy to her chest and noisily kissing it.
"Ohh, you're prettier 'n a prize apple at the fair!" She cried. "Tell me I'm yours! Make me your filly!"
Applejack's moaning grew to a fever pitch, punctuated by the occasional soprano squeal of pure, carnal lust. She ground her hips against it.
Fluttershy's wings stood straight up.
"I... I can just come back later... if you're... busy..."
Squeaking profusely, Fluttershy backed out of the barn.
Her wings stayed erect for over four hours.
She should have seen a doctor about that.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Itching Horn shook his head sadly as he trotted back into camp.
"What," said Two-and-a-Half Feather, "the ponies wouldn't take 'em?"
"Naw, bruh," said Itching Horn. "I think those three little ponies fleeced us good."
"Aw, man," said Two-and-a-Half Feather. "What're we gonna do with these, dude?"
"I got no idea, bro." Itching Horn sighed, glancing at what they'd gotten from the fillies.
"I think we got a bum deal, yo."
