Cutie Mark Crusaders Smoker Stoppers!
Author's Note
Let it be known that I know next to nothing about Rob Reiner, and thus have no personal opinion of him.
My Little Fascism
Princess Celestia sat atop her throne, her face contorted in disgust. Levitating in front of her (Next to a slice of red velvet cake) was the latest statistics posted by the Equestrian Surgeon General. According to these statistics, 30% of ponies in Equestria smoked!
“This is ridiculous,” muttered Celestia as she chewed on her cake. “I mean, don’t these ponies know that smoking is bad for them?” she said while levitating another piece of cake to her mouth, and taking a bite, having finished the last piece. “I mean come on! If something is bad for you, then you should be smart enough to not do it! I mean, if I was doing something unhealthy, I’d have the sense enough to stop!” she said, while levitating a slice of carrot cake into her mouth. She’d had enough. For as long as smoking has existed, Celestia had hated it. It was gross, it smelled, and worse of all, it was unhealthy.
Celestia lowered her papers next to her, and then raised her hooves, putting them together in evil contemplation. Celestia knew that she couldn’t just illegalize smoking, without approval from the legislative council. But what ponies didn’t know, was that 89% of the money her government embezzled went to anti smoking campaigns. And what she needed now, was the greatest anti smoking campaigner that ever existed! And she knew just the man. He was brave, he was kind, he was handsome, and without a doubt, the greatest hero that ever existed. He was…he was…
“Hey you Fucking Asshole! What the fuck do you think you’re doing!”
The brown earth pony known as Trusty Transport looked up from his cigarette to see just who was yelling at him. What he saw was a large, fat, Santa like creature, dressed in a horrible looking sweater. He was balding on his head, and his enormous stomach fell out of his shirt, over his pants. The creature looked mad, extremely mad.
“I’m sorry?” replied Trusty, only for the creature to spit on him as he talked.
“Yeah, I’m talking to you Jackass!” said the creature. “You think I wouldn’t care did you? Well guess what!” yelled the creature as he smacked the cigarette out of Trusty’s mouth with a poorly executed kick. “Filthy smokers like you make me sick! Don’t you know smoking is bad for you! Don’t you care that the people around you will be exposed to second hand smoke!”
“But we’re outside…and there’s no one else around,” said Trusty. As a response, the creature raised his meaty hand, and backhanded the earth pony, whose eyes spun in their sockets. After recovering, the pony looked to the creature.
“You must be Mr. Reiner. I’m…uh, I’m Trusty Transport, and I’m supposed do chauffeur you to your destination.”
“It’s about God Damn time! I’ve been waiting here forever!” replied Rob.
“But I was here first, you came to me,” replied Trusty, only for Rob to raise his hand again.
“I will smack you…I’ll do it…go ahead, make my day!” Trusty only shrank under Rob's gaze.
“Well, uh…how about I take you to Ponyville now?”
“That’s the most intelligent thing I’ve heard come out of your mouth,” said Rob, who then sat in the taxi. Trusty hooked himself up, and then began to pull; only he found that he wasn’t getting anywhere.
“Oh dear Celestia…I can’t get it to budge…he’s so heavy!” huffed Trusty.
“I have a solution!” said Rob. He undid his pants, and pulled out his very long, but very thin wiener, and began whipping Trusty with it. Instantly, Trusty began sprinting as hard as he could, trying in vain to get Robs disgusting wiener away from his butt. “Move faster you stupid horse!” cried Rob.
“Oh, Sweet Celestia, get it away!”
“So apparently even though ah have my cutie mark now, ah can’t hang out with Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara. There are these applications ah have to fill out, along with an entrance fee, and then there’s the ten-day waiting period. So, long story short, ah’m stuck hanging out with you guys,” said Applebloom as she sat in her school desk, talking with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.
“I’m sorry you’re stuck with us,” said Sweetie remorsefully.
“It ain’t your fault that you suck Sweetie Belle. You were just born that way,” replied Applebloom.
“Thanks Applebloom. You really know how to make a girl feel better.”
Meanwhile, as the three crusaders talked, the two local bullies, Silver Spoon and Diamond ~~Diarrhea~~ Tiara were discussing important matters as well.
“Pst…hey Silvy!” whispered Diamond.
“What is it?”
“I’m totally gonna pull a hilarious prank on those crusader dorks!”
“What’re you gonna do?” In response to the question, Tiara pulled out a note with the words; ‘Kick Me’ on it. Silver Spoon snickered at the idea.
“They’ll have no idea who did it!” With that, Diamond got up from her desk, and slowly snuck up behind Applebloom. When she got just behind her, she positioned the note on AppleBloom's back. And then, to make sure it stuck, she pulled out a sewing pin, and jammed it through the note, into her victims flesh. Just as she let out a scream of surprise and pain, Diamond ~~Gonorrhea~~ Tiara dashed back to her seat, and began whistling inconspicuously. After a few moments, she heard the clip clop of hooves on the floor, and then felt a hoof tap her on the shoulder. She turned, looking as innocent as possible at her victim.
“Is this yours?” asked Applebloom angrily as she held the note and pin in her hoof.
“No,” said Diamond.
“Really…this isn’t yours?” said Applebloom un-amused.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“So, you’re saying you didn’t stick this in mah back?”
“Heavens no! I would never do such a thing!”
“Right,” said Applebloom. She reached behind her back, and rubbed off some of the blood with her hoof, and proceeded to wipe it on Diamond's face. “There, now you have AIDs,” said Applebloom who then returned back to her own desk.
“Silvy, can you believe she thought I would do such a thing?” asked Diamond ~~Sacagawea~~ Tiara.
“But you did do it, I saw you,” replied Silver Spoon in confusion.
“Well duh, but she didn’t know that!”
“I’m pretty sure she did. And aren’t you worried about having AIDs now?”
“Silver, I’m a spoiled rich girl, I already have AIDs,” Just then, the door to the school opened, and in walked Cheerilee.
“Good morning class!” said the teacher.
“Good morning Ms. Cheerilee,” responded the class.
“Class, I told you, I didn’t go to school for a day to be called Ms. Cheerilee. Call me Dr. Mint Berry Crunch.”
“Good morning Dr. Mint Berry Crunch,” said the class.
“That’s better. Ok class, today we are going to have a guest speaker!”
“Ooh, ooh, is it Rainbow Dash!” asked Scootaloo with her hoof raised.
“God dammit Scootaloo…every freaking time!” groaned Cheerilee as she rubbed ~~her vagina~~ the bridge of her nose with her hoof. “No Scootaloo, it is not Rainbow Dash, it will never be Rainbow Dash, and if you ask again, I’m going to slam your head on your desk.”
“Sorry,” said Scootaloo, shrinking down.
“Alright class, our guest speaker is a super important,” said Cheerilee.
“Are you being Cereal?” asked Applebloom, while the other two crusaders giggled at the reference.
“What, cereal? Alright, I give up, please welcome Rob Reiner!” said Cheerilee as she pointed her hoof to the door. The door opened, to reveal the large fat ass, who walked into the room, breathing heavily, and sweating butter. Once he entered the room, he turned to face the class. He began to speak, between heavy intakes of breath.
“Good morning class…I…am…Rob Reiner. I am a very important director, actor, writer and producer. I directed such notable, and monumental films such as ~~Flipped, North, and The Story of us.~~”
“Never heard of them,” shouted a pony in the background.
“YOU’RE ON MY LIST BASTARD!” screamed the kind and Generous Rob Reiner. The pony instantly started crying.
“Pip, stop harassing Mr. Reiner!” said ~~Cheerilee~~ Mint Berry Crunch. Once the attention had shifted back to Rob, he began mouth breathing/talking again.
“Alright, class, well as you may know, not only am I the most talented, and famous director of all time, but I am also an anti-smoking activist! And I have dedicated MY life to the destruction of smoking, and smokers! They’re evil! Just like Hitler…or Stephanie Meyer…or the guy who invented cats!” said Reiner
“You mean God?” replied Rumble from the background.
“Yeah, Him!” said Rob as he pointed to Rumble, while nodding his head.
“Alright, so anyway class, my crew and I are going to film an anti-smoking commercial tonight. It will be located just on the edge of town, in our big tent.” After finishing that sentence, Rob walked out the building and left. He just…he just left I guess. Without another word.
“Let’s hear it for Rob Reiner!” announced Mint Berry Crunch. The following was a Chorus of awkward claps. Once that subsided, Mint Berry Crunch spoke again. “Alright class, so today we are going to cover everything you need to know about sexual education. Now let’s begin…”
A few hours later, it was recess/lunch time. The students had shuffled out of the classroom after being traumatized by a crash course on sexual education, covering the basics such as condom use, going into more advanced parts like AutoFellatio and rim jobs. After mentally repressing the entire lesson, the CMC were sitting at their usual table, eating lunch.
“You know, it’s weird. I can’t remember anything after that Rob Reiner guy talked to us,” said Scootaloo.
“Yeah, me neither. It’s weird,” replied Applebloom.
“Hey speaking of Humans, what ever happened to that Al Gore guy?” asked Scootaloo.
“I heard he got picked up by Specific Animal control,” said Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo then resumed speaking.
“Can you believe that guy though? I mean, yeah smoking is bad for you, but you shouldn’t go after smokers themselves. If they want to smoke, don’t they have that right?”
“Yeah, ah think they do,” replied Applebloom.
“Typical small minded crusaders,” came the mocking voice of Diamond Tiara. The crusaders groaned, and turned to view their bullies. Diamond Tiara strutted over, while yanking on a leash, with Silver Spoon at the end of it.
“What do y’all want Diamond Tiara?” questioned Applebloom.
“A world without smokers of course! That, and pathetic blank flanks!”
“You mean you actually agree with that insane fatso?” questioned Scootaloo.
“Of course I do! He’s a genius! Imposing his will on others, without any concern with other people’s personal choice and happiness. A true Equestrian hero!” said Diamond as she raised her hoof to her heart.
“He’s a fat fascist, and so are you!” said Sweetie Belle.
“I am not fat you high-pitched bitch!” retorted Diamond Tiara.
“Hey, you better Apple-ogize!” yelled Applebloom. The moment the horrible pun left her mouth, she could hear the entire schoolyard booing her. “What, I’m not a comedian, I’m a ManBearPig slayer! God damn give me a break!” Diamond Tiara smirked.
“I don’t have to take that from a dirty mud pony!”
“Hey, you’re an earth pony too!”
“Yeah, but I’m rich, so that automatically makes me better than normal earth ponies,” said Diamond with her head held high.
“Grr…I guess I can’t argue with that logic,” grumbled Applebloom.
“Well, I don’t know about you blank flanks and one blank flank at heart, but I will be the star of that anti-smoking video, and nopony is going to stop me! Mwahahahahahahah!” Cackled Diamond Tiara evilly. The crusaders just rolled their eyes.
“Go ahead Diamond. We don’t care,” said Applebloom.
“Yes you do. You’re just jealous that you don’t get to be in it.”
“We don’t want to be in it,” replied Scootaloo.
“You can’t be in it!”
“We don’t want to be in it!” replied all three crusaders at once.
“But I wouldn’t mind if you were all in me,” muttered Scootaloo.
“What was that Scootaloo,” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Nothing!” said Scootaloo.
“You losers can suck it, while I become the star of that anti-smoking video! After all, no cost is too high when it comes to eliminating smoking.” With that, Diamond Tiara turned around, and left, yanking on Silver Spoon's leash. “Come Silvy.”
Soon after, the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch/recess, and the resuming of class. The first to near the door were the crusaders. When they neared the door, they were about to enter, when they heard what sounded like their teacher, along with another voice they didn’t recognize. They slowly inched the door open, and peered inside, to see Mint Berry Crunch with a tan earth pony in a black suit and tie, and sunglasses. They then heard the voice of their teacher.
“I told you, I put killing children while wearing a clown suit behind me!”
“But your nation needs you! You must kill children again, for the safety of Equestria!” said the other pony.
“No! I don’t kill kids, I teach them! And sometimes, I watch them sleep, but that’s besides the point!” The Crusaders decided to close the door, and forget ever they ever saw anything.
It was late in the evening as Diamond Tiara made her way to the edge of town. As she walked, she began fantasizing about what would happen. Rob Reiner would welcome her into his awesome tent, and they would film the anti-smoking video, which would rob everypony of the joys, and coolness of smoking. But that was just the beginning.
After the filming, Rob would invite her into his personal quarters. There would be a fire lit, releasing smoke (the good kind) and they would lie down in front of the fire. He would take off his stylish sweater, and expose his ripped chest (because he’s so fat that the skin actually rips, but Diamond envisioned muscles and stuff), and then he would take her in his strong arms, and then they’d-
“SHIT!” cried Diamond as she tripped over a rock, landing on her face. Diamond spit the dirt out of her mouth, and stood back up. She looked down to the rock in anger. “Stupid rock! I’ll kill you children and make you watch!” She picked up the rock and chucked it as far as she could. She resumed her walk, ignoring the cries of the feminine voice that screamed; “ANGEL!”
Soon, she came to the tent. It was one of the largest tents she’d ever seen. She wasn’t sure if there was a way to knock or anything, so instead she just removed the flap, and walked inside. When she got inside, she saw humans all about, some on computers, and some doing…other stuff, I dunno, jeez.
She waited for one of the humans to acknowledge her amazing and fabulous presence. She just waited, that was until she saw Rob Reiner walking past.
“Ooh, Mr. Reiner, Mr. Reiner! I’m here for the commercial!” Rob stopped his heating of a fried baby head, and turned his attention the young pony.
“Oh, it’s uh…you.... Thanks for coming, follow me!” Rob turned and gestured for Tiara to follow him, which she did. As they walked, Diamond noticed that some of the humans looked rather…well, sinister. There was a skinny, bonemanish guy with black hair and a black coat, with what looked like fangs. There was another really short guy, with really thick, almost cup like glasses, with a lab coat, and very little hair. Kind of like Danny DeVito in a lab coat, and a birdlike nose.
She also saw a few creatures that didn’t look human, as much as they looked…demonic. There were red demonic beings with horns, wings, and raging boners. It was starting to make her feel nervous. The kind of nervousness that usually led to her sweating milk.
Their walking came to a stop when the two reached the film stage. There were cameras set up, being operated by various personnel. There was a tall stool set on top of the blue screen background. Rob stopped waddling, and directed Tiara towards the set.
“All right little girl, you just sit there on the stool, and read off the teleprompter,” said Rob.
“Sure thing Rob!” chirped Diamond Tiara.
“Getting a little familiar there aren’t we kid,” muttered Reiner under his breath. Diamond took her seat, ready to begin. Rob made his way to where Diamond Tiara was sitting, and gestured to her face.
“Alright, we need some make-up to fix…all of this,” said Rob.
“Hey!” Several make up zombies shuffled up to Diamond, and patted her face with make up pads, or whatever they’re called. When they were finished, Diamond looked slightly better. It was then that she started thinking, that maybe Rob Reiner wasn’t as nice as everyone thought.
“Hm…she doesn’t look cute, or innocent enough. Wardrobe!” called Reiner. In seconds, flying purple imps surrounded Diamond. With in seconds, she was dressed head to hoof in a teddy bear costume. “Perfect! Alright, get the teleprompter going…. alright, Lights...Camera...Action!” And with that, the filming began. Diamond took a moment to collect herself, and then she began reading.
“Hello. My name is insert name here, and I am X years old. And I have lung cancer. My parents/legal guardians have smoked my whole life, and thus, I have become the victim of secondhand smoke. And by the time this commercial is seen, I will be…dead.” A bell rang, signaling the end or the filming.
“Alright, good job people! Alright, lets get that edited, put some sad music to it, and stuff.” Diamond hopped off of the stool, and jogged next to Rob.
“Um, Mr. Reiner?”
“Yeah?”
“What was that thing about me being…uh, you know, dead?”
“Oh, yeah, well, you see, in order to extort the emotions of the public, we need to make a ploy to their emotions. We need to make them feel sad. And the best way to do that is to show them dead children. Dead children are key, dead children will save lives! It’s our modo, Dead Kiddies, get us titties!” (Joke stolen from Alexo on YouTube.com).
“Um, so what exactly are we doing, am I gonna go into hiding, or something?”
“No, you see, in order for this to seem real enough, people are going to need to see a body, so we’re gonna have to kill you.” Diamond Tiara stopped dead in her tracks, eyes widened.
“W-what?”
“Yeah, but we need to do it a certain way. The coroner's report needs to show that you died from second hand smoke, so we have a special device set up to kill you. We have a oxygen tank, filled with cigarette smoke. We’re gonna strap a tank mask to your face, and wait for you to die a slow and painful death, choking on the smoke, until you suffocate.”
“You-you’re joking r-right?”
“Nope!” And with that, Rob snapped his fingers, and in an instant, Diamond Tiara found herself surrounded by Rob’s minions. She felt her bladder empty as the horrifying, monstrous anti-smoking activists surrounded her.
“Ewe! She peed herself!” cried one of the minions, who backed away in disgust. That was the opportunity she needed, and she dashed through the opening, and ran out of the tent.
Diamond Tiara ran as fast as a rich socialite could, which actually isn’t that fast, but it was enough to do the job. Her first thought was to go to Silver Spoon’s house, but she didn’t actually know where she lived. She really only hung out with her at school, so the other students wouldn’t realize that even though she was popular, she actually didn’t have any friends.
So then, whom could she go to for help? Well, divine intervention from the author, told her that there was only one place she could go to for help. And that was…the Cutie Mark Crusaders. She knew that they were probably the last ponies who would help her, but she did know that they were actually good ponies, and would most likely do the right thing, if she begged enough. She hated the idea, but she knew that they were the only ones who could help her, for some reason.
Luckily, she knew that they were having a slumber party in their clubhouse. And so, she made her way towards the clubhouse. When she finally reached Sweet Apple Acres, she saw the lights on inside the clubhouse, indicating that the crusaders where definatly there. She ran up the stairs, and burst through the doors.
When she entered the clubhouse, her eyes widened at what she saw. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were all dressed in old timey hunting outfits, each of them wearing pith helmets. She also saw each of them brandishing a fancy looking rifle.
“Alright, Cutie Mark Crusaders Rabbit Hunters are a go!” cried Sweetie Belle.
“Why am ah doing this again? I already have my Cutie Mark?” questioned Applebloom.
“Well, you’re cutie mark is in killing things, so this is gonna be your job someday,” replied Scootaloo.
“I guess that’s true.” It was then that Diamond Tiara loudly cleared her throat, getting every ponies attention.
“Diamond Tiara? Why are you here? And why do you smell like Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup?” questioned Applebloom.
“Blank Flanks- I mean, Cutie Mark Crusaders, you have to help me!”
“Why should we do that?” asked Scootaloo.
“Please you have too! They’re gonna kill me! They’re gonna kill me, you have to help meeeee!” Cried Diamond Tiara, down on her knees (Like usual), the pitch of her voice getting consistently higher.
“What? Whose gonna kill you?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“It’s those anti-smoking activists! I went down to their tent, to do that commercial filming, and they need to kill me to make it more realistic! You’ve got to help meee!”
“Why did you come to us, instead of like, the police?” questioned Scootaloo. Diamond Tiara blinked twice, looking slightly stupefied.
“Why didn’t I go to the police?” She shook her head, to get back on track. “Look, it doesn’t’ matter! What matters is that I’m here and I need your help! Will you please, please help me?” The crusaders sat down, and put their hoofs to their chins in thought. They thought of all the times Diamond Tiara hurt them. They remembered all the times she called them blank flanks, the time she replaced Scootaloos only lunch in a whole week with amphetamines, and the time that she convinced Applebloom that Big Mac and Applejack were her parents. But in the end, the Cutie Mark Crusaders knew they had to do the right thing.
Applebloom knocked on the door of Rob Reiner’s tent, the door having been installed moments before, for the soul purpose of knocking. The door opened to reveal Reiner, along with a black haired vampire. He saw the three Cutie Mark Crusaders sitting there, no longer in the outfits that he didn’t know they were wearing.
“What do you want?” asked Rob as he munched on his fried butter on a stick.
“We brought you something,” said Sweetie Belle, as she stepped aside, to reveal a bound and gagged Diamond Tiara. Her eyes were widened in fear, her whole body shaking.
“Oh, hey thanks kids!” said Rob, as he grabbed Tiara and hefted her over his shoulder. Diamond screamed through her gag, but all that came out were muffled screams.
“It was no problem sir! It was the right thing to do!” said Applebloom.
“Yeah, after all, no cost is too high when it comes to eliminating smoking,” said Scootaloo. And with that, the three turned around and began walking away. Diamond was able to wrestle out of her gag, and cried for help.
“Wait, you blank fla-I mean you guys can’t do this! Please you have to help me! Please, oh god no, let go of me you fat bastard! No, no, NOOOOOOOOO!” after a few seconds, Diamond’s voice was silenced. The crusaders continued their trek away from the camp, all of them looking proud of what they have done.
“We did a good thing,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Yeah…Hey did any of you get a boner, seeing Diamond all tied and bound, either?” questioned Scootaloo.
“Oh Scootaloo, you’re so cheeky, and perverted,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Giggedy.”
The End
