Anon was happily munching on some potato chips, throwing chip after chip into his mouth while he played a game of chess against Twilight. The two, together with the rest of Twilight's friends, were on a train bound to the Crystal Empire for a family dinner with Twilight's brother and the princesses. Anon was a bit hesitant to come with the rest of the mares, he did not want to keep tabs on his pants for a two days ride, but he was relieved to know that Twilight had dropped the subject and let him keep the secrets behind his clothes.
The concept of an entire city made out of crystal intrigued Anon, and he was more than eager to arrive to the empire. In his eyes, it was like visiting El Dorado, or would it be El Crystal?
Nevermind.
"And checkmate," Anon finally proclaimed.
"What?! How could this be?!" Twilight shrieked. She started circling the board from every angle, trying to find some sort of an escape for her king. She almost lost it when it turned out Anon had indeed bested her in a game of chess. As for Anon, he could not hide the grin off his face, though it was because he was amused Twilight did not figured he was stealing her pieces throughout the game and changing places with some of his own. Twilight can be a smart mare, but not a keen one.
Getting up from his seat Anon stretched his arms to the side, popping a few sore joints. "Well," he started. "I think I'll rest for now."
Hearing this, Pinkie Pie perked up as she dashed towards Anon's bed and hopped on it, looking at Anon with big puppy dog eyes and a wiggling tail. Anon rolled his eyes at Pinkie's antics, though he could not stop the chuckle that escaped his lips.
Almost immediately after Anon sat down, Pinkie jumped on his waist and curled into a pink ball, batting her tail at the human's hands for extra emphasis. Again, Anon chuckled before moving his hand behind Pinkie's ear and began scratching in earnest. As soon as his fingers made contact with her scalp, Pinkie went completely limp, cooing in delight as his fingers dug into her head and neck.
The mares all looked at Pinkie with expressions that ranged from envy to timidness. Anon's hands had been the best thing since sliced bread. They were so flexible and precise, yet gentle and firm. There has been a rumor going lately in Ponyville that a single touch of Anon's fingers can drive any mare over the edge, but Twilight knew better than to go head to head with Anon when it came to mysteries.
The rest of the ride was uneventful. For the most part, Anon was either playing with Pinkie or reading a novel. When the group finally arrived to the Crystal Empire, Anon was practically glued to the window. He kept muttering to himself, gawking at the crystal palace.
Not a moment after the train had stopped, Anon was already dashing towards the exit.
"It's even prettier from up close," he said as he gazed at the palace from the entrance to the city, the mares followed right behind him.
"I am sure you will find it even prettier from the palace's balcony," a pink pony mare said as she approached the group.
"Cadance!" Twilight exclaimed, dashing towards her sister-in-law and nuzzling her. Cadance smiled warmly as she greeted Twilight before her eyes settled on the (in)famous human.
"I take it that you are Anon the human, yes?" Cadance asked.
Anon stepped forward looking down at Cadance. He said nothing as he stared down at the pink alicorn.
Cadance looked a little confused as she tilted her head slightly, one ear pointing straight up while the other drooped.
Then, without warning, Anon grabbed Cadance and brought her in for a hug. "Oh my God, you are the cutest pony ever!" he proclaimed.
"It is nice *hurk* to meet you too…" Cadance squeaked.
Twilight and her friends stared with shock as their princess was more or less being strangled by Anon. Luckily the human relaxed his arms, though instead of putting the princess down, he adjusted her in her arms as if he was carrying a cat.
"Umm, Anon? You might want to let Cadance go," Twilight suggested, worried that Anon might get himself in trouble.
"I don't know Twilight," Cadance spoke from her perch in Anon's arms. "It's kinda comfy, and the view is spectacular!"
"Yes, but-"
"No time to chat, Sparkle butt, onwards!" Anon proclaimed, marching into the empire with Cadance tucked snuggly in his arms.
Twilight's friends shrugged as they decided to follow Anon instead of questioning his random behavior. Twilight, on the other hoof, had a small mini-breakdown. Her sister-in-law, her brother's bride, the princess of bucking love! Was being carried like an oversized teddy bear by an alien from another dimension. Twilight's eye twitched once before she took big intakes of air, remembering the breathing techniques Cadance had taught her so many years ago.
It seemed to work as Twilight regained her senses. With a sigh she started following the group into the empire as well, while muttering to herself.
"This is gonna be a long visit…"
Unknown to the group of seven ponies and human, something glowed beneath the snow as it reacted to Anon's masculine power and awesomeness.
"If you look to your left you could see the Crystal Heart hotel, where tourists from all around Equestria stay when visiting our fair empire. And if you look to your right-" the group turned their heads to their right. "-you can see my favorite ice-cream shop."
"Ohhhh…" Anon marveled, looking intently at the ice-cream shop. It has been way too long since he indulged in some creamy goodness. Anon adjusted Cadance so he held her in one arm under his armpit while he fished his wallet with his free hand. "Hey you!" he called randomly. A colt stopped and looked up at Anon.
"Yes, gov'nor?"
Anon threw twenty bits at the colt, which he grabbed. "Be a good chap and run to the ice-cream shop over there, return here with a half-liter. Be a good lad, and steady, and they'll be more employment where that came from."
"Yes sir!" the colt dashed towards the ice-cream shop. A moment later he returned with a tub of ice-cream. And some spare bits. "Here's the change sir!"
Anon grabbed the tug of ice-cream. "Keep the change, good chap! Now run along."
The colt smiled before dashing off, a little skip in his walk.
Anon looked around, suddenly aware of the silence. Twilight and her friends had looks of confusion while Cadance simply gave him a calculative stare.
"What?" he asked, "You want my ice-cream? Never! Only Cadance is allowed to eat from my ice-cream!"
"Oh, and why is that?" Twilight asked, narrowing her eyes. 'If you try to seduce Cadance, Celestia help me I'll-'
"Because she's pink," Anon answered.
"Huh?" The mares all looked at Anon, baffled by his answer. Even bystanders that happened to overhear the conversation stopped and stared at Anon.
"Wait a minute," Pinkie gasped. "I'm pink!"
"Then you can eat with me as well, Pinkie."
"Yay!"
"Dang nabbit!" Applejack stomped the ground, looking down at herself. "Now Ah wish Ah was pink."
Anon pouted, securing his ice-cream closer to his chest. "Well I'll have you know that-"
"Princess Cadance I'll save you!" Anon was interrupted by a shout. The human turned his head just in time to see unicorn guard ponies dash towards him with a pegasus guard in the lead.
"Not the ice-cream!" Anon shouted once he saw the light emanating from the guard's horns. He threw Cadance into the air and clutched the ice-cream tightly.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending how you look at it, ponies only reached Anon's crotch, so when the unicorns fired a volley of magical projectiles, they hit him square on his organic sperm bank. Luckily, his masculine power was so powerful that the projectiles did not blew a hole in Anon's pants, but rather bounced off of his crotch.
Anon totally did not scream like a girl as he fell backwards, folding into a ball of pain.
"Anon!" Cadance called, rushing to Anon's side and trying to uncurl the possibly sterile human.
"Fucking… ponies… man…" Anon squeaked.
Cadance turned to face the guards, her face consorted into a frown. "Can somepony bucking explain me why you just attacked my guest?!"
The guards all had their ears pinned to their heads as they backed away. Only the pegasus guard remained in place, looking equally guilty.
"I-I'm sorry princess," he said. "I thought you were held hostage and I was just trying to save you."
Cadance sighed before looking back at Anon.
"How are you feeling dear?" she asked.
Anon turned his face towards Cadance, lifting a hand and flipping the bird in her direction.
Cadance cocked her head to the side. "I will take that as an 'okay'. And as for you Flash Sentry," Cadance turned to the pegasus guard, "You can start your punishment for attacking my guest by carrying Anon to the castle."
Flash Sentry bowed, looking ashamed. "Yes your highness, I'm deeply sorry."
"It is not I you should apologize for. That would be Anon."
Flash nodded, looking warily towards Anon before stepping forward. Before Flash could say anything Anon spoke up. "Did you lead the guards to attack me?"
Flash stuttered for a moment before nodding, looking down at the ground. "Yes…"
"Can you help me up?"
"Of course!"
Flash rushed to Anon's side, pulling the human's arm and helping him up. Anon stumbled for a moment before looking down at his chest, one arm still shielding the ice-cream. Anon smiled before looking down at Flash. "Thanks buddy. Also-"
Before Flash could react Anon pulled his leg backwards and kicked Flash between his hind legs. Hard.
"FUCK YOU BITCH!"
Everyone stared at Luna as she literally rolled on the floor, laughing. She has been going at it ever since Cadance told everyone about what happened when she and her guests reached the castle, where the other princesses and Shining Armor were waiting.
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it out…" muttered Flash Sentry under his breath as he stood at attention next to the door leading out from the living area of the castle, his hind hooves stood slightly apart from one another.
Celestia smiled gently, averting her gaze from her laughing sister and towards a certain human. "It is nice seeing you again, Anon. It has been such a long time."
Anon nodded his head in recognition, munching on his tub of ice-cream. He swallowed his last spoonful before addressing the princess. "You too, Sunbutt. I must say, your hair looks especially lovely today, new shampoo?"
Celestia giggled while running a hoof through her mane. "Why yes. I thought I would try something a little different. I am surprised you noticed."
"It's a gift," Anon professed, taking another mouthful of ice-cream. "Hey, Flashy boy!"
"Y-Yes sir!" Flash straightened himself up.
"Since you were the one responsible for frying my nuts you're hear by promoted to the royal little bitch. From this day until I leave, you'll listen only to me!"
"I- uh…"
Anon turned to face Flash, glaring down at the guard pony. "Understood? Or do I need to… deliver the message personally."
"No sir! Understood sir!"
"Anooooooon…" whined Cadance." Please do not terrorize my guards."
"I'll think about it Candy," Anon mused. "Hey Moonbutt? You alive?"
Luna rose from her spot on the ground and laid on the couch next to Anon. "We are very much alive sir Anon. We have not laughed like this for the longest of times."
"Glad to be of service, Moonbutt. Now scoot over!" Anon rested his head on Luna's barrel, his legs resting on the other end of the couch while his head was being stroked by the night princess. "Hmm, I could get used to that…"
"Try not to get too comfortable, Anon," Cadance chided, despite the fact the she was doing pretty much the same thing with Shining Armor. "It is almost time to sleep, and you will need all your energy for tomorrow's activities."
"Yeah, yeah, sure…" Anon murmured, getting comfortable lying on Luna.
The night princess chuckled before whispering into Anon's ear, "Let us retire for the night, Anon. Our dear niece is right."
"Hmm I don't wanna…"
"We will let you cuddle us…"
Before anyone could blink Anon was standing next to the door, an excited look on his face. "Well guys, as much as it was fun talking to ya, I have a princess to cuddle. Moonbutt! Sunbutt! Get your sexy asses into my bed ASAP!"
Luna giggled while hopping from the couch and following Anon back to his room. Celestia smiled as well as she regarded the others. "Well, it seems I am needed elsewhere. I bid you all a goodnight."
With that said, Celestia left the room, leaving a bunch of dumbstruck ponies.
"Well, he's an… interesting fella," Shining Armor said.
"You're telling me," Twilight sighed. "You should have been there when I tried to strip him naked."
"You did what?!"
"Oops, heh, heh, I shouldn't have said that."
"Ahh, what a beautiful morning!" Anon praised as he woke up. "The sun is shining, the birds are tweeting, and the- mphm…"
"Nooooo, sleeeeeeeep…" Luna murmured as she stuffed Anon into her chest.
"Do not hog him all to yourself, sister," Celestia murmured as she grabbed Anon from the other side of bed and pulled him towards her.
Before the two sisters could start a tug o' war with Anon being the rope, he quickly pulled the two mares closer to him, making the two sigh in content as they snuggled on either side of the human.
"Hmm, I love my life." Anon smiled to himself.
Unfortunately, good things tend to end prematurely, and so it was with no surprise when a knock was heard and a voice called, "Anon, time you wake up you sleepy head."
"Go to sleep Cadance!" Anon called.
The door glowed soft blue before it swung inwards, letting the princess of love into the room. "Come on Anon. I am sure you will have a lot of fun," she said, completely ignoring the fact that both of her aunts were cuddling the human's sides.
"Cadance, I swear to our lord and savior Morgan Freeman that I will destroy you…"
Cadance giggled before nudging Anon. "I love you too, hun. Now come on, up you go…"
Anon sighed explosively before he moved up from his bed, much to the dismay of Celestia and Luna. "Alright, alright, I'm up!"
Anon slid out of bed, glaring down at Cadance. The princess of love simply smiled in return and Anon found himself being overwhelmed with cuteness. He picked Cadance up and petted her mane.
"D'awww… why do you guys have to be so damn cute…"
Cadance purred in delight as Anon kept petting her mane. "It's a gift," she replied.
Anon laughed before gently putting Cadance down, facing the other two princesses in the bed. "Come on you lazy butts! Wake up!"
"Snooze!" Luna whined, shuffling closer to her sister and burying her face in Celestia's chest.
Anon chuckled and shook his head before heading towards the dining hall with Cadance in tow. "So what's on the agenda today Candy?"
"Well," Cadance started. "After breakfast I thought that I'll give you a much more detailed tour around the castle. Then we will probably stop at a restaurant around noon, letting you try some local cuisine before heading to the underground bazaar."
"Underground bazaar?" Anon questioned.
"Yep. It's a bazaar, underground. When the empire reappeared there have been a lot of renovations. During said renovations we have found a large chasm under the empire. After securing its integrity we have turned the place into an underground bazaar. It is quite the sight for those who have never visited the empire before."
"Sounds awesome!"
Cadance smiled at Anon's enthusiasm. "I could not have said it better myself. Come now. The others are waiting for at the dining hall."
Anon nodded before his eyes suddenly twinkled. He did a sharp 180º turn and marched back to his room.
"Umm, Anon? The dining hall is this way," Cadance said, pointing towards the opposite direction.
"Oh I know Candy. I just came up with a way to wake up your aunties."
"I do not like the sound of that," Cadance muttered as Anon disappeared into the room. A few moments passed and Cadance thought more than once to check up on Anon.
"ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"
Cadance jumped in place, her hairs standing on end as two feminine voices bellowed from within Anon's room. At that moment, Anon all but flew out of the room and tore his way through the hallways, Celestia and Luna in hot pursuit.
"Anon what did you do?!" Cadance cried after the fleeing human.
"Never comment on a mare's weight, Candy…" Anon yelled as he rounded a corner…
As everypony else rounded the corner in hot pursuit after Anon, they failed to see the mass of black smoke slowly creeping from the window.
"Crysssssstals…"
"Totally… ouch… worth it…" Anon moaned as Celestia used her magic to press an ice pack on the newly formed bruise on the human’s face.
"Hold still," Celestia chided, still somewhat miffed from Anon's earlier comment. She was sitting next to the human at the dining table, with Luna sitting to his other side, checking for any bruises on his chest. To say that the others were surprised when Celestia and Luna entered the dining hall with a bruised Anon following them was an understatement. "When we get back, I will teach you a thing or two about what to say and not to say to a mare. You are lucky I stopped Luna when I did."
"Hey, it got you out of bed. I call that a win!" Anon boasted as a maid offered him a mug of coffee.
Anon gratefully took the mug, sipping from it once before moaning in delight. "Oh, for the love of Our Lady of Guadalupe, that is a fine brew."
Celestia giggled, some of her previous hostility towards the human vanished. "It is just coffee, Anon."
"Oh, no, no, this is liquid crack. This is a mug full of sunshine. My dear, for me, this is like sex." Anon finished, giving Celestia a suggestive look.
Celestia smirked. Two can play that game. "Oh! Is that why you always finish so quickly?"
Anon smiled mischievously. "Mmm, and sassy too. If you could cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom."
The two laughed merrily, unaware of the horrified looks on Shining Armor, Cadance and the guards lining the walls. The only ones seemingly not affected were Twilight and her friends, having grown somewhat accustomed to the human's antics.
Waiters started pouring from the side doors to the hall, carrying food befitted for the gods, quite appropriate considering three of the diners are considered to be of divine heritage.
Anon began piling food onto his plate, making sure not to miss a single dish. "Oh man that looks so good!" Anon whispered excitedly. He took a bite from his food and his eyes literally twinkled, a tear running down his cheek.
"For the love of all that is holy… this is fucking amazing!" Anon cheered. "Hey Flashy-boy, come here, you've got to try this!"
Flash looked uneasy as he left his post next to his kin and approached Anon, he opened his mouth to speak but before he could Anon shoved food into Flash's mouth.
Flash tried to protest but the moment the food touched his taste buds he was lost in a world of pure bliss. The only thing escaping his mouth was moans of delight.
The rest of breakfast went rather smoothly from there on out. Everyone was conversing and Anon would sometimes sneak more food to Flash, who sat like a patient puppy near its master, his tail wagging excitedly.
Was it slightly demeaning?
Yes, yes it was. But how many of you can admit eating such high quality food?
After breakfast was concluded everyone went to do their own thing. Twilight and her friends went to explore some more of the empire while Anon followed the princesses as Cadance gave him a brief tour of the castle. Flash Sentry was also tagging along as Anon's escort.
"…and this is Baron Scroll Hoofenstein." Cadance gestured towards a painting depicting some random Joe. "He was one of the disciples of Starswirl the Bearded and the inventor of the crystal battery."
Anon, flanked by the princesses on one side and Flash at the other, admired the life-like painting of this Baron something somethingstein as he listened to Cadance's lecture.
While the four listened attentively to Cadance, no one saw the black smoke creeping up behind them, compressing into a small, round-edged triangle. The shape then took a more solid form as it gently fell on the floor, completely still.
Anon raised his hand, looking at Cadance like a student would to teacher. Cadance rolled her eyes before addressing the human, "Yes Anon?"
Lowering his hand, Anon spoke up, "Who's this Starswirl the Bearded you ponies keep mentioning?"
Flash looked up at Anon, surprise written across his face. "You… don't know whose Starswirl the Bearded? Dude, he's like, THE most important pony in history. They have entire libraries dedicated to him."
Anon looked down at Flash as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "I swear Flash, if I ever want to kill myself I'll just take some of the extra air in your head and inject it straight into my veins."
A white wing gently swatted Anon's head. "Anon, please have some manners."
Cadance smiled bashfully as she scratched the back of her neck. "I suppose I got slightly carried away and forgot that you don't know a lot about our history, Anon. If you would allow me, I would be more than happy to give a bit of insight about Starswirl. In fact, the wing dedicated to him is just around the corner."
"Yeah, sounds cool," Anon replied.
Cadance started walking again, accompanied by Celestia, Luna, and Flash. Anon lingered for a moment in front of the painting before he, too, followed the princess. But just as he was about to pick up his pace, something black and shiny glinted at the edge of his peripheral vision. Craning his head downwards, Anon found a simple, black guitar pick.
"Huh, neat," Anon mumbled as he picked up the pick. The pick was cold to the touch, and very solid, like stone or marble. There were no engravings on the pick. In fact, the pick seemed to be pretty ordinary, but for some reason Anon found it particularly fascinating, tracing its smooth surface with a finger. To the unsuspecting by passer, it would have appeared as if Anon's eyes briskly flashed green…
"My precious…"
"Anon, are you coming?" Luna called from the end of the hall, snapping Anon from his musings.
"What? Oh right, yeah!" Anon stuffed the pick in his pocket and dashed off to catch up with the others. Once he caught up with them, Cadance continued with her tour.
It was quite interesting to know more about Equestria's history, and about the ponies that shaped it into what it is today. Usually Anon was not a big fan of these kind of things back on Earth, but there was something undeniably fascinating about learning an entirely new culture of a completely different species. Anon may be a goof sometimes, but it does not mean he is an uncultured brute.
"…and that's about it I think," Cadance said. "I could go all day about Starswirl the Bearded but there are so many others things in the empire I simply must show you!" Cadance jumped in excitement.
Anon smiled warmly, Cadance was simply too cute for her own good.
Suddenly, a cold chill crept up across Anon's spine. He visibly shivered as he felt like he was being watched by some…thing.
"Anon? Is everything alright?" Flash asked as he approached the human and looked up at him. The others looked at Anon worriedly as they saw the brief look of disorientation upon his face.
"D-Don't worry you guys. It was probably just a draft or something." Anon started walking aimlessly. The rest exchanged confused looks as they began following Anon closely.
Another sudden chill made Anon look to the side, towards a section of the wall that was concealed by a big red curtain.
"What's behind that?" Anon asked without even realizing it.
Cadance's ears flattened against her mane as she stood next to Anon, staring at the curtain with dread-filled eyes.
"Behind this lies a very dark history to the empire. Not many ponies are willing to talk about it, as the memories are still fresh in their minds, but we keep it here as a reminder."
Before Anon could ask Cadance what she meant, she pulled the curtain aside, revealing a life-sized statue of a menacing looking unicorn. Unlike most unicorns Anon had the pleasure to meet, this one seemed to embody everything that's wrong in the world. He was slightly bigger than the average pony, and his horn was smooth a curved rather than spiraled. He also wore very lavish attire.
Behind the statue, painted on the wall, was what appeared to be the crystal empire, thought it looked like a much darker version of it. The same creepy unicorn could be seen on a porch overlooking the empire. Beneath him were crystal ponies, all chained by their necks and bowing to him.
"This is Sombra. There's not a lot I am willing to say about him other than the fact that he was a dark spot on the empire's history. The devil king was known for two things. One was his insatiable desire for crystals and their magical properties, and the other one was his love for metal music."
Anon craned his neck to stare at Cadance. "Metal music? Really?"
"Hey, it's true! I'm not making this up!" Cadance exclaimed.
Anon shrugged, looking at the statue more closely. It was placed upon a pedestal so Sombra's head was on par with Anon's, looking slightly downward, Anon took notice Sombra's front hoof. It was extended outwards as if offering something… or expecting something in return.
Anon's eyes briefly flashed green as he extracted the pick from his pocket. It was like he was no longer in control of his actions as he extended his own hand…
"Anon? What are you doing?" Flash asked. For some reason, he had a bad feeling about it.
All of a sudden, a tendril of black magic lashed out from within the statue and snatched the pick from Anon's hand. With a mighty boom, the statue exploded into tiny little pieces, sending the three princesses tumbling to the floor.
A ring of black fire formed around Anon and Flash as music started playing out of nowhere.
Anon and Flash watched with dumbstruck expressions as the dust began to settle and a silhouette moved from within the cloud of debris. Big red and green eyes, curved horn, and a wicked expression. A barrier formed, trapping Anon and Flash inside whilst keeping the princesses out. The devil has awoken.
*Song ends*
"You guys are fucking lame. Come on Flash, You're comin with me!" Sombra charged his horn. "Taste my lightning, fucker!"
"Nooooooooo!" Anon yelled as he jumped in the way of the projectile as it hit his crotch. His masculinity deflecting it back to Sombra and breaking his horn.
"Ow! Fuck! My fuckin' horn!" Anon quickly grabbed the broken horn. "Oh no!"
"From whence you came, you shall remain, until you are, complete again!"
"Nooooooo…" Sombra yelled as a hole to hell appeared behind him. Skeletal hands grabbed his hind legs and slowly dragged him to eternal punishment. Try as he might, Sombra was simply too weak against the forces of hell, so with a final bout of effort, he cried, "Fuck you Flash! And fuck you Anon! I shall get youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…!"
As Sombra was finally dragged to the deepest pits of hell, the hole began to close until it was no more. Anon and Flash stood in front of where Sombra was last seen, staring down at the ground.
Finally, Anon turned around and started walking, he walked past the gaping princesses before he finally spoke up. "Looks like Sombra-" Anon fished sunglasses out of nowhere and put them on. "-couldn't take the heat…"
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