All Our Villains Are Horny
The miles disappeared with the steady clack-clack of the wheels on the track. Twilight and her friends lay in various states of exhaustion around the private carriage. Fluttershy was snoring softly next to a pensive looking Rainbow Dash. Applejack and Rarity were having a quiet argument about which of them had more work waiting for them back in Ponyville. Pinkie Pie was playing tic-tac-toe against herself, and was losing seventeen to three.
A happy sigh escaped Twilight. It was moments like these she treasured. Starlight Glimmer had fled. Equestria, or least a small part of it, was safe for another day. She could once more settle down for some hard earned rest with her friends.
“Hey,” Dash said, suddenly, her head shooting up. “I just realised something. All our villains are horny!”
“What?” Rarity sat bolt upright, spluttering. “Rainbow Dash, how could you say such a thing?”
Rainbow shrugged. “It’s true, isn’t it? What’s this, the third mad unicorn we’ve had to show the power of friendship right in the kisser.” She said while shadow boxing, startling Fluttershy awake. “It doesn’t take a genius to see the pattern. They’re all horny.”
There was a moment’s stunned silence, then a collective, “ooh,” of understanding.
“You mean, all the villains we fight have horns, sugarcube,” Applejack said with a sigh.
Dash cocked her head at her. “What’s the difference?” There wasn’t a trace of irony in her voice.
“We’ll tell you when you’re older.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “And besides, it just ain’t true. There have been all sorts with a sore spot for Equestria. There’s nothing wrong with unicorns.”
“Ha, tell that to The Great and Powerful Trixie,” Rainbow shot back. “When was the last time you ever heard of a power mad pegasus trying to conquer Ponyville? Besides, I didn’t say unicorns. I said horny.”
“Horned,” Fluttershy whispered.
Twilight sighed. “Look Rainbow Dash, I realise that we’ve been having a bit of a bad run when it comes to powerful unicorns, but you can’t tar us all with the same brush. Just having a horn isn’t enough to make a creature evil.”
“So Sunset Shimmer, Starlight Glimmer and Trixie were all just unhappy accidents?” Rainbow crossed her forelegs and shook her head. “I don’t think so. I’m telling you, it’s because they’re horny.”
“Urgh.” Twilight dropped her head into her hooves. “This is the very definition of confirmation bias, Rainbow Dash. Being horny-- horned! --doesn’t make a pony evil. I bet you can’t name another evil unicorn.”
Rainbow clapped her hooves together. “King Sombra. Total nutcase and an evil unicorn. Heck, his horn was so evil even when it got cut off it was still shooting off dark magic like nopony’s business.”
“Okay, but Sombra was born thousands of years ago, he’s hardly a contep--”
“Flim Flam,” Applejack exclaimed. “That was the name of those no go shisters, I almost forgot about them.” Twilight glowered at her. “Sorry sugar, but you have to admit they were bad news, almost ran us clear out of Ponyville.”
“Thank you Applejack,” Twilight hissed, through clenched teeth. “But again, it’s just an isolated incident. Do you understand what I’m saying, Rainbow Dash? What you’re seeing is a case of pattern recognition gone rogue.”
“Hey, what was the name of that Prince that threw Rarity at a cake?” Dash interjected, ignoring her. “Blue... something, something.”
Rarity’s eye twitched. “Blueblood, darling. And I believe we agreed never to speak of it again.”
“Right, that jerk. See, Twilight, that’s another one.”
Twilight groaned. “No, no, no that’s not how it works. We’ve had plenty of villains that haven’t had horns. You’re just picking all the horned examples.”
Rainbow Dash grinned. “Right, because we’ve also fought Nightmare Moon, who had a horn. Discord, who had several horns. Queen Chrysalis, who had a horn, and so did all her drones.”
“Don’t forget Tirek, his horns were huge!” Pinkie cut in. Twilight had no idea where she’d managed to find and put on the plastic horns but the pair were so big they dragged Pinkie to the ground.
“Argh!” Twilight exclaimed, slamming a hoof down. “Fine. You know what? I am going to write a list of all the villains we’ve ever faced and we are going to disprove this once and for all.” There was a pop as a quill and parchment materialised. “Okay, so we have a few names for the horned column. Sunset Shimmer, Starlight Glimmer--”
“Has anypony else noticed those are both really similar to Twilight Sparkle?” Pinkie Pie interjected.
Twilight twitched. “Focus please, Pinkie. We’ll deal with that one later.” She began to scrawl down names. “Now, we’ve also got Trixie, Flim Flam...” she continued to mutter to herself as the quill scratched away. “Queen Chrysalis, and Tirek. Now, moving on to the non-horned column we--”
“Hold up.” Dash leapt into the air. “We haven’t finished all the horny--”
“Horned!” the others chorused.
“--whatever! All the horned villains yet.”
Twilight ground her teeth. “Fine! So, who else is for the list? Snips and Snails perhaps?”
“Well they did bring an Ursa to town, but I think we can blame Trixie for that one.” Rainbow Dash rubbed her hoof on her chin. “Oh, of course, the dragon. You know, the one that was terrorising all of Equestria and I chased off.”
Applejack tutted. “You mean, the one that beat you up and Fluttershy scared off? He didn’t have horns.”
“He had those weird head frills though, that counts.”
“A dragon,” Twilight muttered, scrawling down another name. “I guess I should add Garble to the list too.”
“Don’t forget about Spike,” Pinkie Pie cut in. Everypony pony shot her confused look. “What? He destroyed four thousand balloons on his rampage, before they even got a chance to make anypony happy. That gets him on my naughty list.”
Twilight twitched, a strand of mane slipping out of place with poing. “Right! Fine! Spike is on the list, now does anypony else have any more horned villains, or can I please get on with disproving this fallacy?”
“The buffalo perhaps, darling?”
“I reckon timberwolves have those little horns. They probably count.”
“There was that Nightmare Rarity thing that happened in the comics.”
“Umm, Iron Will had pretty big horns.”
“See Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said, smirking. “I was right. All of our villains are horny.”
“HA!” Twilight slammed her hooves down on the bench, a manic grin on her face. “You are wrong, Rainbow Dash. If I can name one villain, just one, without a horn, will you please let this whole thing drop?”
Dash frowned, then shrugged. “Okay. Hit me with your best shot, Sparkle.”
“Gilda.”
Stunned silence descended on the cartridge. Dash’s triumphant expression faded, warping into a look of horror. Twilight Sparkle rubbed her hooves together with glee.
Rainbow Dash slumped, hanging from her wings. “Darn. Okay, you got me.”
“Good, now if we can just--”
“Um, actually,” Fluttershy interjected.
“What?” Twilight roared, rounding on her.
Fluttershy scrambled backwards, but then, took a deep gulp of air and drawing herself up to her full height. Then said in a whisper, “Gilda’s half horned eagle.”
Twilight stared at her.
“Um, Twilight, are you okay?”
“Argh, it’s true!” she wailed, slamming her head against the bench. “The evidence is all right there. Every horn in Equestria is a ticking time-bomb!”
“Umm... Twilight?” Rainbow Dash dropped to the floor next to her and, hesitantly, put a hoof on her shoulder. “Are you okay?”
Twilight whipped around, a rictus grin on her face. “Don’t worry, Rainbow Dash, I know just how to fix everything.”
Dear Princess Celestia,
Due to the danger horned individuals present to Equestria, I have pre-emptively placed myself under house arrest. Please do not attempt to free me unless a greater villain than I is currently threatening Equestria.
Sincerely yours,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Celestia set down the letter and sighed. “Again, Twilight?”
Author's Note
This story now has an awesome reading, by Monanniverse
