Sample Spoons

by Takarashi282

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4728

Princess Celestia has heard a lot about Prancin' Robins, and on a royal craving, she pays them a visit. But something awaits there that utterly destroys her patience.

Cover Photo: Celestia's Smallest Spoon by Xieril. Go hit them up! (Link to post)

Princess or no, everyone has their limit of patience. It just seems that Celestia has more of it than any mortal could ever have. But even she has her moments of weakness.

The royal cravings strike again.

Rated Teen:
- Some Sexual Humor

Published 2015-07-03 19:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-03 19:10:02 UTC

Sample Spoons

My quill snapped in two.

It was the beginning of another long day. Of course, it seemed that long days were the only days that time could afford to give me. Well, it made sense, as I am permanently stuck at age twenty-eight, and therefore I am stuck with those marely woes all mares could woe, plus ruling a nation full of those woeful mares. But I digress. If I have learned anything while being immortal, it was patience, and I wasn't going to let a broken quill get in my way from my clockwork morning tasks.

Taking my eyes off of the average-sized gargantuan heap of paperwork, I rummaged through my saddlebag that leaned slumped at the legs of the desk. I frowned when I found no such thing as a quill in there. Humming, I checked the front corner of my desk, another usual spot for quills to be, but almost surprisingly, only a half-filled ink cartridge sat there.

"Hm... All right. Time to get new quills." I scooted out my chair on the grippy, blue carpet. I stood up, and faced my room.

My chambers were alight with the late morning sun rising from the east, its light filtering through the open window that led out to the balcony. Behind me, my bed was relatively made... and by relatively, I mean half of the two layers of blankets were hanging off and both were piling onto the floor. My pillows were in a scattered mess: one laid on the floor, the central, poofy one was askew, and the third one had rotated portrait-wise across the matress, because I'd managed to embrace it rather intimately sometime during the night. A cut, vibrant red ribbon was draped onto the floor. I smirked. This morning, instead of the normal delivery-mare dropping off the heap of paperwork, Luna had decided to wrap the neat pile in a bow, a card on top saying, "Sister, I do not envy you. Love, Luna."

Taking a left, I entered the bathroom, clicking the door shut. I'd almost instinctively turned the knobs of the shower with my magic, the water flying out with a welcoming patter. I took a glance of myself in the mirror, now realizing how much I needed a shower. My sky-blue mane was in a wild do that made sagebrush look attractive. My white coat was puffed out every which way, specs of lint sticking to the ends of clumps of fur.

It took no time after that to jump into the shower, the warm water sending shivers of pleasure down my spine. I had turned to that perfect temperature, the one that made you just want to melt to a puddle of happy goo. I hadn't had such a nice shower in such a long time. For the past couple of months, I woke up in the morning, raised the sun, and tidied up at supersonic speeds to prepare for a meeting somewhere, or a grand opening of a nearby restaurant that I simply couldn't resist. It was disappointing, though, that in a fit of rage, I'd managed to burn one dow—

Think of something else! I snapped at myself, hotness coming to my cheeks. I usually forgave and forgot, and that included myself... most of the time. That time was one of the exceptions. I made sure that the damage expenses were paid, and that I appologized to the restaurant owner profusely, trying to reassure him that he still looked handsome bald, and that I wasn't trying to put him on death row.

So why do I still worry about that incident? I thought.

Probably because what you did was foolish and stupid, nagged the voice in the back of my mind.

I shook my head clear of the thought. "Think about something else..." I prodded myself. Uhm... conflicts in Griffonia. No, that just makes me feel worse... Shower water it is, then. Oh, the shower water! It's not the ashes and the water spouts exploding in the restaurant! Sighing, I lifted the shampoo bottle above my head and gave it a squeeze.

Pfffft! The bottle sputtered out wattery beads of what used to be shampoo all over my mane. I frowned, bringing the bottle before my eyes. The bottle was completely translucent, save the white beads that clung to the sides of the bottle for dear life. I'd used water before to try to get every bit of shampoo out of the bottle, but it seemed then that it had exhausted its supply. Get more shampoo as well, I noted, scrubbing soap a round about my body. The least I can do.

After brushing the tangles out of my mane, drying myself off, and making sure I smelled at least semi-pleasant, I set off downstairs. It was always fun using the stairs. It was a long flight into the main part of the building, and for the past hundred years or so, I had made a habit of just teleporting downstairs. But for the past couple of years, we recruited a rather easily scared unit that I managed to make pass out when I appeared right in front of him. I would train him a little more to have him immune to suddenly-appearing-blindingly-white mares, but his heart defect made me choose otherwise. So I paid him my respects when he was on shift—he was only there one out of eight weeks—and descended down the stairs.

When the doorway panned into view, a fun little thought ran through my mind. I smirked, creeping around the corner. Nopony had spotted me yet, well, besides Luna. Before she could even open her mouth to try to greet me, I bring the edge of my hoof perpendicular to my lips, and she sucks hers in. The familiar, Oh, brother, look took its toll on her eyebrows as I stuck my head over the guard's shoulder.

"Boo," I said, and the word didn't even have to be that loud for the guard to jump nearly five feet into the air—a high jump record. He reared up on his hind legs when he landed, stammering, "P-p-Princess Celestia!" He nearly fell on his face with how low he bowed, breathing heavily.

Luna choked back a laugh as I chuckled in accomplishment. "Gotcha," I nearly sung in his ear. "Keep up the work, guard." At one point, I tried to learn the guards' names. But since there were so many, and the fact that they were wearing armour that had them looking nearly exactly the same, given that their coat colors were different, I'd stopped trying. Apparently, though, that guard was practically floating in his hoofs regardless. He mumbled an indistinguishable phrase, and straightened back up as I walked away.

Luna joined me as I walked through the main hall, taking a right to descend down the stairs. She let out a bottled-up laugh. "Was that really necessary, sister?" she asked, giggling.

I smiled, then shrugged. "You don't know how tempting it was the last couple of times."

"Obviously."

We descended down another set of stairs, and memories of countless Grand Galloping Galas enter into my mind. Over that past year, they've become especially interesting, with Twilight's friends (with questionable sanity), and Discord added to the mix... it was a refreshing break from all of the formal and rather dull dances that preceeded them. I couldn't wait until next year, when, preferably, nopony is trying to take the throne. That was a pet peeve of mine.

"So," Luna started, "have you finished your paperwork already, sister? This is the earliest I have ever seen you finish it."

I sighed. "Unfortunately, no. I'm running some errands, because I've run out of quills and shampoo. Would you like to accompany me?"

Luna shook her head. "Sadly, I cannot. I have to leave to the Crystal Empire in an hour. Apparently, a lot of nightmares have broken out among the crystal ponies, and it is not doing much to help keep the Crystal Heart functioning properly."

I frowned. "So, how long will you be down there?"

Luna nodded. "A few nights, actually. Apparently, the population of the Crystal Empire has expanded immensely since it has reappeared."

I nodded back. "That does make sense. After all, I've heard that employment rates for hotel launderers have went up substancially..."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "I think Cadance was talking about ponies coming into the Crystal Empire."

I cracked a sly grin. "Well, she is the princess of love! She was probably talking about the ponies coming in the Crystal Empire."

The look on Luna's face couldn't be described as anything short of disgusted. "... And while you do your... er... errands... I hope you have a chance to get your mind out of the gutter."

I smirked. "Possibly. And, was that a modern saying?" I lifted my eyebrows, impressed.

Luna frowned. "Yes..."

My smile grew wider. "I knew it! The modern language is taking its toll."

Luna rolled her eyes, raised her hoof and gave me a little kick. "You will cease such language or I shall banish you to the sun!"

I beamed, returning the light kick. "You can do what you want, but I shall remain hotter than you!"

We charged at each other, yelling like Gladiators as we tackled each other in a hug. I fell on top of her as if in a 'T' formation, my hooves pinning her down to the tile. "Unhoof me, you vile crea—!" Luna began, but when I started blowing raspberries into her belly, she shrieked and started laughing her brains out. After a while it became impossible to blow raspberries because I was smiling so wide. These moments were the moments I was missing when she wasn't there, and boy, were they refreshing!

We lay there, giggling in each other's embrace. I nuzzled her chest, sort of relishing in her warmth, glad she was there. A second later, I stood, helping Luna onto her hooves as well. It wasn't long after we stood that I went in for another embrace. "Love ya, sis," I said, giving her one last nuzzle.

"Love you too, sister," Luna replied.

We broke the hug, but I still felt warm. "Have fun in the Crystal Empire!"

Luna smiled broadly and nodded. "Trust me sister, I will."

By the time I came back, because I'd been sidetracked in the market, I missed Luna before she'd went to the Canterlot station. That dampened my spirits slightly, but came to sortly after. She'll be fine, I reassured myself, readjusting my saddlebags. I ascended the many flights of stairs, and plopped down in front of my desk again. I had half of the papers done before I went out, and it was half past eleven then. I could get these done in about a half an hour, I resolved myself. I picked up one out of eight total quills and started reading, and signing... reading and signing... reading... and reading...

Before I knew it, my mind drifted to another place. Around the market, I'd heard word of a new place open on 11th and Cloppings, taking the place of that old barber shop. I wasn't too clear on what it was, though: I'd heard it was an antiques store, then a new Hayburger, then an ice cream parlor. The talk about it was extremely positive from the commoners. Good prices, good taste, and even some ladies remarked that the register guy was sexy.

Though I didn't know how they could stop and talk about that in such heat! It was in the middle of the summer, and I felt like my coat was burning off. I'd drank two twenty-liter cups of lemonade by the time I came back, something that I knew would come back and bite me later. Surprisingly, it hasn't quite yet.

I had five papers left when it happened. My mind had wandered just enough just wondering what the shop could be and the heat of the day. Right as soon as I started signing the paper, I was pretty sure an earthquake just happened. I jumped, and the rumbling suddenly stopped. I looked down, curious as to what just happened. But then, it proclaimed itself like a trumpet.

Mrrhgrblgrbl. My stomach rumbled like there was an 8.1 magnitude earthquake happening in there. Mrrhgrblgrblmhhhh!

I raised an eyebrow. I've just ate, I thought, confused. But when my stomach threatened to collapse the castle with its murmerings, my eyes widened with horror. A taste on my tongue that I couldn't place. My metabolism spiking to an all time high.

I had the royal cravings.

"Ohhhh, nooooo..." I groaned as I gently started hitting my head against my desk, memories of the burnt-down restaurant reappering in my mind. Ashes. Screams. Water patter and sizzles. The only thing that can compromise my patience, I thought, mumbling, "Why me?" after, "Why me?" as if it would make me feel any better.

If you've never heard about the royal cravings, you were probably elsewhere, outside of the Equestrian continent. There was an entire press release about it here, saying, "Intense Hunger for Griffonian Food Makes a Pyro out of a Princess?" And, they were exactly right. The sheer hunger resulting from the royal cravings were something to be absolutely feared by many, including me. And I just hoped that I wasn't going to burn something down this time.

I raced down the stairs, the thought never even occurring to me that I could teleport until I reached the bottom of the stairway. I slapped my wings to my sides, crouching to the floor before I—

"Ah!" called a grand and snooty voice. "Princess Celestia!"

My heart jumped. "Shhhaaahhh..." My restlessness suddenly grew. I turned to face the newcomer. "Fancy Pants."

Fancy Pants was slightly taller than the normal pony, although he still shorter than I was. It was probably the way his snout was up in the air that made him look all the taller—or more pathetic-looking. Patience, I reminded myself, even though my stomach and mind adamantly disagreed. His mane and eyes were a glossy blue. His coat was a pearly white. Small moustache above his lips. Treebranch-size horn. Tux with tail. Purplish bowtie. Everything I tended to avoid when they were all together.

He raised his eyebrows. "I do say, mi'lady, you manage to look even more beautiful every day. What is it that makes it so? The shampoo? The perfume?"

"Out of both, thank you." I anxiously glanced over his shoulder. The kitchen was only in the left wing... the exit was so close...!

He nodded in understanding. "But before you must run your errands, mi'lady, I have a request. This is the height of the summer, and it's as beautiful as ever. Since the Summer Sun Celebration is in a week or so, I would like to rent out the castle grounds for a Summer Sun's Eve party. It will be the most proper and the most elegant—"

"Go right on ahead, Mr. Fancy Pants," I blurted, the sentence being only 60 percent discernable.

His eyes widened to their nonchalant extent. "I must say, you do seem a little hurried this afternoon, mi'lady. Is there anything I can help you with?"

Disgust panged in my chest. "No, thank you. I must be off." I galloped out of that place. I lit my horn. In a crack, I was gone.

I snapped into the kitchen, its glorious white tile and greyish countertops reassuring me that maybe I wasn't going to make a bonfire out of the castle. Something else! I snapped at myself. Think! Instead of thinking, however, I zoomed around the room like a mindless machine. Cake? I offered to my tummy. Tummy denied. I jumped to the icebox. Strawberries? I pleaded. My stomach was just not feeling it. I leaped over to a locked pantry. Chocolate supply? I thought with a grunt. The back of my throat tasted like acid. The first time that sort of reaction has happened.

After a couple more minutes of searching, I slumped down on the floor, finding nothing that seemed to appetize me. "What do I waaaant...?" I whined to myself, trying to keep my frustration inward. The last time I let that release made me wish I'd release my fury on my paperwork instead. Taking a deep breath, I turned from the kitchen. I need to go on another errand, I thought. Find something that makes me happy inside. Right as soon as I took a left out of the kitchen, I was suddenly halted by somepony I couldn't see initially.

The mare had a lavandar coat, with a deep purple mane. That reddish streak through her mane was the giveaway.

"O-oh! Princess Celestia!" Twilight Sparkle eeped. She turned to face me, rubbing her left front hoof. "Ah... I'm sorry. I didn't expect you to be coming this way."

I waved a hoof dismissively, calling upon whatever god of patience was out there to give me some. "There's nothing to worry about, Twilight," I forgave. "Anyways, is there anything I can help you with?"

Twilight nodded, a slightly pained look on her face. "You see, ever since the Golden Oaks Library was..." She sighed. "... destroyed, a lot of books that had once been in the library have been lost, and I can't seem to track the remaining lost books down. I was thinking maybe y—"

My stomach decided that it couldn't stand the student-teacher interaction and produced a gurgling sound that could've been passed for an actual earthquake. I flinched.

Twilight's eyes widened. "Oh, no. Do you have the royal cravings again?"

I nodded sadly. "Unfortunately, yes. This one's the worst case yet. I can't even pin down what I'm craving!"

Twilight nodded. "All right, then. Do you crave anything salty?"

"Heavens, no!"

"Sweet?"

"Yes."

"Cake?"

"No..."

"Chocolate?"

"Sadly, no..."

"Hot or cold?"

I hesitated. This was a question I haven't asked myself. Since it was high noon and the middle of summer, anything moist and/or cold sounded... "Cold."

"Solid or liquid?"

"Solid."

Twilight Sparkle produced a freakishly big smile. "I got it!"

"Please tell me!" I groaned.

"What you need, princess, is ice cream."

The same idea snapped into my mind as if it was dancing to gospel music. "I think you're right, Twilight!" I felt like dancing, singing a sappy opera, but then my stomach launched another nuke at itself.

Twilight even cringed at that. "I... suggest you go to Prancin' Robins. It's a new ice cream parlor on 11th and Cloppings."

I smiled so broadly it hurt. That's what it was, I thought.

"I will take you suggestion, Twilight," I blurted. "We may converse later about other matters." I lit my horn, and I didn't stop when Twilight's eyes widened.

"Princess, wai—!" was the only thing I heard before I was gone.

11th and Cloppings never looked sweeter. It also never went by faster. I barged across the street, nearly crashing three carriages.

From what I could gather from the outside, it was a smaller street-corner establishment, white-painted bricks at the front. There was a wooden sign hung out from fancy hangers that said, "Prancin' Robins". And I think there was a red outline of a robin in the background?

I was right outside the building, nearly face-to-glass, within a heartbeat. Calm yourself, I attempted to stay myself. The room inside was all in bright, cool colors, the tiles an icy blue, with plenty of white spread among the tables and the counters. Behind that glass was my objective, the thing that was freezing the clear pane until it frosted over.

Trying to keep whatever patience I had left, I more or less gracefully swept the door open. There were two families in there, with a table empty in the corner near the ice cream cakes stored in a freezer that towered to the ceiling. They all came out of their seats and bowed, nearly losing their ice cream in the process. The young ones tried in near vain to keep the frosty orbs of ice cream on their cones, saved just in time by their mothers who gave them a short lesson about gravity.

But as distracting this gesture was, my stomach gurgled loud, and the parents looked aghast at me. I tried my best at a smile, but it was like trying to rip concrete apart. I nodded quickly to them, and stepped up to the counter.

When I looked up, I began to realize just what those mares were talking about. The stallion behind the counter had a lean frame, like what you'd see on a swimmer. He had a white coat that showed off his quite delicious male figure. His semi-poofy-semi-straight cherry red mane complemented the color in such a way that his mane looked nearly delectable. He wore a vest atop his coat, one that blended in quite well with his coat, that produced a nametag that pronounced, "Cherry Top".

He would look more attractive, however, if he wasn't melting behind his desk. "H-how may I h-help you, Princess?" he asked, gulping. His voice was tight and constricted, and seemed a high tenor.

I nodded so fast and anxiously I could feel my brain bob up and down in my head. "You may help me, sir!" I blurted. "What is your best ice cream here?"

As soon as I asked him that, he looked as if he was about to fall into a puddle of relief instead of bursting into a ferocious fire. "Ah, yes, Princess. Ponies have their different tastes..." He must have seen my face, full with excitement, possibly even too full. He rubbed his collar. "B-but our best, even critically acclaimed best, is our Robin's Roost. Fresh vanilla ice cream with chocolate-covered oats mixed in with it, and at the crown of the cone, strawberry-covered hay bits lie. We even have sample spoons, if you want to sample it."

I frowned. Of course, since I had this craving, I might have as well at least tried the ice cream before discovering later that it didn't hit the spot. But then again, my stomach was on the verge of killing me and everyone in this room with its thousands of decibels of volume, so I didn't quite have the patience.

Calling on the last bit of my will not to shrink in despair, I cleared my throat in something like a whimper, "Yes, please."

Cherry Top nodded, ducking under the counter top. There was a plastic rattling, and I nearly leaned over the counter to see what he was possibly moving around. He popped up so immediately that I jumped back, sending my stomach complaining at the sudden movement.

What was in his hooves was nearly blood red. It had a very long handle, the company's logo carved onto its face. Before I could comprehend what was happening, he zoomed over to his left, reaching into the freezer trough and scraping his hoof across the middle of the bucket. He reappeared, holding out the spoon in all its... glory?

Narrowing my eyes, my brain feeling hollow, I cast an aura around the spoon in disbelief. Cherry Top was, indeed, far enough away that things at that distance seemed smaller than they really were. It can't really be that size, I thought, cocking an eyebrow. Right? I brought it closer to my eyes, narrowing them a tad bit further, blinking as if something was wrong with my eyes.

There wasn't anything wrong with my eyes. I could've snorted the tiny particle of ice cream.

There are many things that can make a princess snap. For Cadence, it's haters. For Luna, it's excessive, blind fear. For Twilight, it's not keeping to tasks. For me, it's usually disharmony. But for whatever reason, while having the royal cravings, it's a wild card, though it's still usually the big things.

To be completely honest, I snapped when I saw the spoon.

"This is PREPOSTEROUS!" I yelled, shortly after, hearing a bunch of dings from the door bell. Treats them well.

Larry Crops—whatever his name was, Tops—was pathetically melting onto the floor again. "A-a-I'm sorry, princess!" Tops pleaded, voice cracking to higher octaves. "I c-can get a... uh... larger sample size, if you want!"

I sneered, my eyesight caving in red. "I DON'T WANT YOUR SAMPLE SIZES!" I think I said, probably with one or two more curse words in there.

By this time, Tops was a puddle on the floor, pulling his mane over his ears. "P-please!"

I snorted. "So, Tops, do you want to know what being ice cream feels like?"

I honestly don't remember what happened next. Things were tossed around, and a chase... when Twilight had finally caught up, she reluctantly reported to me that I tried blending his face up in the milkshake mixer. I'm glad she caught me in time.

After the incident, though, I felt like someone had dropped a boulder in my stomach. The cravings had subsided undoubtedly, and I was faced with more than a few ponies of the press, wondering what in blazes happened in Prancin' Robins. I wondered what headlines would say that time. Princess Nearly Makes Prancin' Robins CEO Into a Milkshake was my first idea. Prancin' Robins Owner Shaken by Princess' Rage was another.

I guess if one thing was for sure, from my vantage point across the street, at least I didn't burn anything down. Heh.

Twilight sat next to me, eyes wide in awe. Regardless, she handed me a triple-scooped ice cream cone that she likely had to go back to Ponyville to get. Mint chocolate flavored.

My heart sank. "Twilight, are you sure that Spike wouldn't appreciate this?" I asked halfheartedly.

Twilight shrugged. "If one thing's for sure, Princess," she said, "ponies would kill for ice cream this time of year."

A disappointed frown appeared on my face.

Twilight sulked. "Sorry..."

I waved a hoof in dismissal. "No need to worry, Twilight," I forgave. "But, I'll be sure to have some ice cream at the castle from now on."

Twilight sighed. "I'm sorry for being so ignorant. I should've known better..."

A familiar enthusiasm straightened my back. "Twilight, don't blame yourself for this," I said. "I should be more responsible for these sort of things. But the fact that I freaked out over sample spoons doesn't mean you're responsible for it. You just tried helping me with my unfortunate situation. You're not a single bit responsible."

Twilight gave me a confused look. "But I could've stopped you."

"You couldn't have, Twilight," I said calmly. "But don't worry about it."

Twilight nodded. "Right."

I didn't notice the policemare walk up to me until she'd cleared her throat. She was short, about eye level to me while I was sitting. Her coat was a vibrant red, and her mane was a brilliant white. On her flank was something like a circular emergency light, filled with a lighter red as compared with her coat. In her mouth was a clipboard, containing, would you know it, paperwork.

Insurance, it read. I skimmed through the legal stuff, which just said that I would be fined more money if I didn't provide monetized compensation for his health insurance. Among the services I would pay for were first aid (if needed) and psychiatric care.

"Excuse me, officer," I said. "Would you happen to have a quill on you?"

The policemare nodded, opening her side satchel, and producing a quill pen from its depths. Uttering a small, "Thank you," I signed my signature with broad swoops.

The quill pen snapped in two. That day wasn't my day for anything regarding quills.

Snapping myself out of temporary shock, I gave a nervous laugh as I scribbled the date down with whatever was left of the quill pen. With hotness rushing to my cheeks, I offered the broken quill pen to the policemare, who had her eyebrows crinkled in frustration. Giving a heavy sigh, and a "Thank you for your time," she left.

Without thinking about it, I gave my now melting ice cream cone a lick. The mint chocolate chip tasted better than the Robin's Perch ever would.

Author's Note

Wow. This fic took longer to finished than I originally anticipated. Hooray for writer's block!

Anyways, thanks for reading!