Dirt

by GCU Poke It With A Stick

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Nightmare Moon, Original Character, Adventure, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 12724

Even on the planet everyone forgets, goods still need to be moved quickly and safely. That's where we come in.

HELLO VALUED CUSTOMER!

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR QUICK, CHEAP, OR SAFE TRANSPORT ACROSS THE WASTES?

THEN YOU HAVE COME TO RIGHT DESK/GARAGE/HOVEL/PRISONER'S CELL!

WE HERE AT EMPY'S TRANSPORT CAN ASSIST YOU IN ANY TRANSPORT/SMUGGLING/EXTRADITION NEEDS!

MEDICINE? SURE! WATER? NO PROBLEM! ARMS? YES! ACTUAL ARMS? ABSOLUTELY!

OUR EMPLOYEES ARE WELL TRAINED AND WILL KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON THE GOODS AS LONG AS IT'S NECESSARY!

OUR PASSENGER QUARTERS CAN EASILY BE PERSONALIZED TO WHATEVER YOU WISH! HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BY OTHER CUSTOMERS THAT YOU TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY!

EXPERIENCE A VARIETY OF DIFFERENT CUISINES FROM ACROSS THE PLANET, SCAVENGED FROM THE CORPSES OF WOULD-BE ATTACKERS, OR GO ORGANIC AND EAT WHATEVER GOES UNDER OUR WHEELS!

BE SURE TO CONSULT ONE OF OUR EASILY IDENTIFIABLE EMPLOYEES FOR ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS!

NO REFUNDS!

First non-school-related story. Third story ever. Let's get this train wreck started. Constructive criticism will go a long way to making this story readable.
AU tag for what is technically called Broad Strokes, but will eventually be called Cannon Defilement by most readers. Additional tags will be added depending on where this story goes.

A big thank you to the LeTourmeau company and the US Army for coming up with the crazy awesome idea of fitting monster truck wheels to a train.

Published 2015-05-31 23:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-30 10:12:40 UTC

Caravan/Finale

And upon highest tower of CeeCee, the heretics were brought before Him to receive judgement.
"My lost children, you have made a mockery of my desires and blasphemed against my word.
You have lead my people into damnation and turned my works against me.
For these crimes and more, you-"

"Eh boss?" crackled over walky-talky. The page was marked and the book was placed back in the door compartment. The boss reached over the readout board to pick the walky-talky up.

"What's up?"

"We got anotha' Wisp headin' in on our 9 o' clock. Approx' 30 knots. Think we gonna have problems?" Came the reply from the boss's reptilian observer.

A quick glance out the port window showed that yes, there was a small Wisp heading towards the train. A race created by some forgotten civilization, Wisps were introduced to the planet millennia ago as biological water harvesters, being blown across the planet, sucking up moisture as they went. As their handlers abandoned their creations after only a few centuries, the Wisps went feral, still looking for moisture, but now seeing travelers and settlements as massive sources of food. They developed the ability to create lightning strikes to fry any electronics, or people that might get between them and their liquid quarry. A good defense was usually just speed as Wisps couldn't travel much faster than the wind, or massive amounts of heat to cause the Wisp to rapidly evaporate. Therefore, Wisps presented the most danger to static settlements in high wind conditions, especially if the Wisps were in packs called Supercells. Any fears were quickly dispelled with a glance forward, showing the growing image of a rocky outcrop. The boss's response was cut off when the train-wide speaker system suddenly came alive.

"AIR BALLOON WISHES TO PLAY! CAN WE PLAY DRESS-UP WITH NEW FRIEND?" The next few sentences consisted of dress ideas such as ballgowns, swimsuits, and heavy combat gear.

"ANATA, no. We don't have time for playing. Besides, we're almost at Mesa and there's plenty more interesting things to do than entertain some old cloud, like authorization papers and transport manifests!" As much cheer as possible was put into those last few words.

"YAAAAY!" The cheerful reply was without a hint of sarcasm.

"Besides Gino, I wouldn't worry about it. We aren't hauling water, and no Wisp is stupid enough to try hunting this close to Mesa's defense systems. Probably just lost."

"If you say so boss."

"Trust me, work in the Northern regions enough, and you'll know the ins and outs of every critter that flies, crawls, or rolls across the sands, I guarantee it." With that, the boss picked up the book once more, and began to read. The air waves became quiet, and were soon replaced with the sounds of the vehicle itself.

From far away, the caravan would appear as little more than a small pack of specks crawling along the dirt, a small dust cloud chasing it. Getting a bit closer would reveal nothing more than an antiquated PIN-COM Overland Train Hauler-LR with a single bubble turret on top, hauling nine heavy-duty carriages. Multiple cobbled-together missile pods on the cab and carriages helped make the caravan look prickly enough to discourage the weaker scavengers, but still be enticing for the larger bandit groups. The right tools, the right vehicles, and enough cannon fodder, and there would be enough in those carriages to catapult any wannabee warlord into a new bandit king.

Getting any closer than that would reveal why such a caravan wasn't the center of some war party in the wastes.

The old V22 Zepon engines were replaced with Grand-Slam fusion reactors that could give the whole caravan bursts of nearly 130 km/hr. Unhooked, and the cab could reach speeds of over 300 km/hr. Fuel was easy to find, what with the near constant arrival of more star ship wreckages. The drive train, hookups, heat sinks, and other support systems were strengthened or replaced to take the increased strain. The turret wasn't some simple cannon controlled by some half-starved idiot. Twin gauss cannons with stabilizers, inertial dampeners, and a half-descent targeting system would hit targets of up to 1200 meters in human hands. When in the hands of a Scale-Dog like Gino, that range was extended to over 3000 meters. The missile pods didn't contain a small batch of scrap-metal tubes filled with a small amount of propellant and explosive. Piranha nano-missiles were the pods' deadly cargo and were usually under the control of a half-mad construct called ANATA. All parts of the hull could easily be electrified to discourage boarders. The rear carriage could also be cut loose to serve as a distraction. A secure communications network ensured that countermeasures could be coordinated with deadly efficiency. All this was under the command of a man driving the wastes for far longer than anyone had any right to.

These measures and more gave the caravan local names such as "The Hedgehog", "The Devil's Cactus", and "OH GOD, OH GOD, EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE" before they would move on and be inevitably be forgotten about. The caravan members would simply call the vehicle, and themselves: Empy's Transport.

The next 15 minutes passed in relative quiet. Gino kept an eye on the Wisp while keeping the other on the ground, looking for any change in the sea of sand and rocks. ANATA mumbled about the sociological affects of finding a planet covered in maple syrup while making sure the paper work looked honest enough to seem true, but not too honest to arouse suspicion. The boss meanwhile put away the book to help keep his eyes forward and grumbled about keeping the train on a trail of gravel that was supposed to be a multi-lane trade highway, all the while trying to keep his teeth from rattling too much. The map of this area was over a century old, but that was besides the point. It was lying about what was in front of them so the boss was justified in blaming it.

Fortunately the gravel path soon became a true road and the jolts died down. Unfortunately, the jolts were replaced with swerving as the Overlander now had to dodge multiple vehicle carcasses. Some were the remains of simple carts, land bikes, and grav-scooters which went under the wheels without complaint. Others couldn't be plowed through. Land-Crawlers, War Machines, even fellow Overland Trains turned the boss's grumbling into outright swearing. There was even an interplanetary freighter modified for ground work on its side, still belching smoke. As ever the Mesa loomed ever larger over the comparatively small Overlander.

As a per protocol, the boss listened in to whatever channels were being used by the local authorities and any tele-stations still operating. ANATA scanned the local net to see what Mesa was killing people for these days and sent the abridged version to the boss and Gino. After he felt he skimmed enough, the boss pulled down a microphone from one of the many ceiling gizmos and keyed it train-wide. "Alright everyone, Mesa has come under control of the...Glorious Rem-wait no Realm of the...Eternal Emperor and is now called Pillar of Mercy. Any mention of the old name will result in~ blah blah blah...oh, immediate imprisonment until the Eternal Emperor believes we have 'learned of our errors and accepted his benevolence'. All of our stuff will be burned as "tools of tricksters, liars, and devils". Other crimes result in variations of the same sentence."

"So they let us rot forever and sell our stuff right boss?"

"'Bout the size of it yeah. Keep your head down Gino. ANATA, can you try not to get us into another Apollo 3?"

"PLAYTIME RESULTS IN A MORE HEALTHY CHILD AND HAPPIER FAMILY!"

"Well we don't want that here." The Overlander began to decelerate as the city gates became more visible. "All right everyone, get ready, and stay-"

"Break now boss!"

*ZWAP*

A large ball of plasma passed by just in front and overhead, barely missing them and slamming into the modified freighter, setting off what must have been a magazine in a stunning display of fire and shrapnel. The Overlander locked its wheels and skidded to a halt, sending multiple nick-knacks in the cab hurling to the window, and sending some stale coffee into the boss's back. Multiple curses came from the turret.

"Damn it!"

"Plasma Cannon! Ten o' clock high! I gotta' lock on it boss!"

"CAN FISHY S PLAY WITH NEW FRIENDS?" Missile pods began warming up across the caravan.

"Everyone just hang on!" Was just managed to be heard over ANATA's ranting over the many games she would get to play with everyone at Mesa. Stay calm. We just need to finish this job. Not set everything on fire...again.

The chaos was interrupted by a chime from the radio. The boss made sure to lower ANATA's volume so she wouldn't interfere with this conversation.

" Unidentified vehicle, you are intruding upon his Majesty's territory. Turn back now or face retribution." came a voice over the air-waves.

"Boss, we got more weapon platforms powering up all over the Pillar!" was Gino's helpful advice.

Friendly people these lot. "Hang on a second! Me-shit-Pillar Control, this is Overland Train Designation #3421-23, we're making a scheduled delivery and we have the proper paper work on hand if you need proof!" came the boss's reply as ANATA broadcasted the papers that (should) keep the guns from vaporizing the train.

A few seconds past before a response was heard. "Overland Train Designation #34...whatever, you're over 3 hours late from what the papers are showing us. Explain." The tone would brook no argument.

"Well, we had a bit of a run-in some repo-worms beyond the Skeleton Mountains. Fighting them off took us a bit longer than we hoped. I'll send you what our cameras picked up."

More seconds.

"...Be advised Overlander, your delay has resulted in late fees totaling 2,700 credits to be payed within the hour. Failure to comply will result in immediate imprisonment and confiscation of property." The gates slowly opened, revealing the Lower Mesa inside.

A sigh of relief. "Thanks, we'll get that payed ASAP." The Overlander began to roll through the gate and into the city beyond.

"And Overlander."

"Yes?"

"Welcome to the Pillar of Mercy, may the blessings of the One True Emperor guide you."

"...And, uh, you too, I guess." Nailed it! Now, where's a towel around here?

What the caravan crew didn't know, was that they never had a warning shot. Missing would tarnish the Empire's image of instant, and merciless retribution across the realms. But surely, a long night with the local girls would whack out anyone for days and in the minds of the guards, it was sheer genius that turned around this potential kerfuffle and kept the pathetic caravaners on their toes. The smarter guards would make sure none of this reached their superiors, while the newer guards were...convinced to keep their mouths shut.

The Wisp slowly moved by overhead, heading for the top of the Mesa.

And so it was that another job was nearing its end for the crew, the scuffle at the gate nothing too noteworthy for them.

Another average Sunday.

Over the skies and far away, a decidedly un-average Sunday was occurring in a ruined castle. In fact, what was supposed to be day was instead filled with thousands of stars and one massive moon. Almost as if someone forgot to raise the sun. Inside, two creatures fought over the fate of the world.

Well, one was trying to fought. The other was just gloating.

So close! After -heheh- a millennia of torment in that damnable prison, just one final piece to the puzzle ha-hah! Soon, all the world will bask in my glory! They'd all eventually die from lack of sunlight but -heh- who cares right? Besides, they deserve much worse for letting me rot in that prison, laughing at me -he-hoo- every bucking night! Especially HER

*POOF*

A purple pony with a pretty sparkly posterior and a pokey horn plopped onto the poorly-maintained palace floor. On the other side of the hall was a crumbling platform, five stone spheres with raised markings began to swarm around a roughly equine shape with a horn and wings. Speckled, purple smoke originating where her mane and tail should be swirled around her.

Ah! HER lackey is here to witness my destiny! Hehe ha! Ha! HAHAHAH"AHAHAHAHAHAH!" Her wings unfurled and lightning seemed to come out of nowhere, increasing the sense that mare on the platform was very, very evil, had the snake eyes, dark coat, fangs, and maniacal laughter not been enough.

"HAHAHAH"--wait what is she doing?...She wouldn't...

Sure enough, the pony with the horn on top appeared to be getting ready to charge the black mare.

"...You're kidding. You're kidding right?" Oh this just adorable! HER hoof-licker must be absolutely desperate to -heheh- try something this stupid! Hehe, how about we oblige her last request? With a stomp, she lurched forward, intending to spear another pony on her razor sharp horn.

"...please don't." came a new voice in her head.

SILENCE! YOU WANTED THIS, NOW I'M FINISHING IT! A quick mental blast sent the Coward back into her little hole, ensuring she wouldn't bother the entity currently controlling the body as she made sure everything went smoothly. Unfortunately, this spat distracted her to the point where she didn't notice the charging teleport spell until the purple pony was already gone. A quick turn around showed her appearing on the platform, desperately trying to activate the stones. They appeared to be responding and even started to glow.

NO NO NO! An emergency teleport brought her in front of the unicorn. So focused on the stones was she, that she didn't even notice the appearance of the comparatively giant mare appear before her, nor did she notice her spell being re-purposed into a shock spell and being reversed into her horn.

She noticed the resulting flying backwards. And hitting the ground. And the skidding. And the pain. Definitely lots of pain.

But the black mare was already too late. Magical sparks began traveling across the stones as they came alive and began to roll across the floor to surround her.

"No! No!" came the mare's desperate cries as the the energy built up...

...and sputtered out.

How? Wait! Heh-heh. There's only five elements! Heh-heh-heh. Eheh-hahahaHAHA"HAHAHAHAH!" More maniacal laughter interrupted the purple mare's muttering as the black mare proceeded to stomp on the platform, shattering the stones. The look the little mare gave as the shattered pieces fell to the floor warmed the the black mare's tar-pit of a heart.

"You little foal! Thinking you could defeat ME?!? Now you will never see HER, or your sun!" The smoke grew exponentially, curling upwards until the hall had a miniature storm right in its chambers.

"THE NIGHT! WILL LAST! FOREVERRRRR!" Mad cackling overtook the black mare. Confident that all loose ends were tied up.

Then another loose end decided to show up.

"Twilight!" Voices. Other ponies. Shadows appeared in one of the entry corridors as they neared the hall. With new-found confidence, and back-up, Twilight faced the black mare.

"You think you can destroy the Elements of Harmony just like that?"

...no.

"Well you're wrong!"

NO!

"Because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right here!"

IMPOSSIBLE!

But it was. As if by magic, five new ponies were suddenly surrounding Twilight. Some were pegusi, others normal ponies, there was even another unicorn. All looked quite angry at the black mare.

"...What?"

The remains of the elements began to levitate around the black mare as Twilight babbled on about how a single action from these ponies somehow justified them being an element wielder.

Any attempts by the black mare to vaporize them all were cut off when massive amounts of pain surged through her head.

Damnit! What is going...Her! The Coward was somehow out of her hole and blitzing all over the mind-scape, setting pain receptors alight, then vanishing. Any attempts to catch Her only resulted in more pain for the black mare. She must have been saving energy for centuries, waiting for the right time to strike. It took all her focus just to stand upright, let alone deal with whatever the other ponies were doing.

With the black mare seemingly immobilized, pieces of the elements now began to hover, before flying off to surround the pony with the hat. What was her name? Pear-something probably.

Will that Twinkle just shut up already? I need to focus on--GYARGH! Another strike by the Coward. She was closing in on Her, but Twilight was also wrapping up her hero speech. Wait a minute. A massive blast rippled across the mind-scape, temporarily stunning Her and giving the black mare some breathing room. It would cause massive damage on psyche and run a high risk of a full-blown psychotic breakdown, but the black mare no longer cared about such issues. "You still don't have the sixth element! The spark didn't work!" But it was clear now that the black mare was simply blubbering, grasping at straws. Even she knew that.

"But it did. A different kind of spark! I felt it the very-" HER dog really won't quit will she?...Wait! Killing them! HAH! I'll enjoy snuffing out--BUCK! More hits by the Coward, recovered from the blast and preventing even a spark from appearing on the black mare's horn. Fortunately now she was no longer focusing on Twilight droning on and on, what with trying to finally beat the mental everything out of the Coward who wouldn't let her focus. Even more fortunate was that Her attacks were getting weaker, and she was slowing down, becoming more easy to hunt down. With a mighty charge, she finally managed to latch on to the Coward and began to do her best to squeeze Her to a pulp. Pity the it was impossible to do permanent damage in here, but that just meant there would always be bones to break, flesh to tear, and screams to hear. She expected the Coward to start blubbering for mercy, like always.

She didn't expect the Coward to start giggling.

Unfortunately she never payed attention to when Twilight stopped. It took a blinding flash to bring her away from the now laughing Coward to reality, and once the flash died down, she gasped.

The Sixth Element.

Like tax leviers, Twilight wasn't done sucking the life out of her just yet, and opened her mouth once again.

"You see when those Elements are united by the-uh, the spark that resides in us all, it creates the Sixth Element! The Element of Magic!"

More flashes signaled the stones turning into proper Element Bearer necklace-thingys and the Elements rising up to form a near perfect pentagon, with Twilight at its center. The creature barely payed attention to any of that as the Cowards laughter turned to sobbing and then back again, creating a cacophony of sounds that forced her back. The Coward slowly got up and began to step towards the creature who had been controlling her for over a millennia. Still laughing. Still sobbing. And now with a feral grin that looked terrifying even without any fangs. Somehow the Coward was larger, darker, and had a mane that flowed and shimmered just like the black mare, only a dark blue to the black mare's purple. The creature stood frozen like a troll in the sunlight.

When the Elements of Harmony united into a rainbow of power that raced towards the frozen mare, the Coward spoke.

WE ARE PRINCESS LUNA OF THE EQUESTRIAN EMPIRE AND THOU ART LEAVING OUR HEAD, NOW!

Well, spoke doesn't entirely do the Royal Canterlot Voice justice. Especially from an apocalyptically mad Princess Luna. Breaking a planet-sized gong on one's knee while an even larger tornado roars overhead would be slightly more accurate.

With the black mare's mental eardrums thoroughly vaporized, Princess Luna closed the distance to the dazed mess that was now simply mumbling the word "no" over and over, pulled back her right hoof, aimed just between the nostrils, focused 1000 years of hate, regret, and anger into this punch, and let it fly. She could've given the creature a much harder buck, but no, she wanted to see its face as the hoof connected.

At first, it met almost no resistance. But finally, the Elements of Harmony came crashing into the black mare. Quickly, its face gained substance, only for cracks to spiderweb out from where the hoof connected, reaching across the thing's body to the ground, where the cracks grew in size as the whole mind-scape became covered in them, shafts of light poking through the largest. Over it all, a slowly building scream climaxed into a horrifying shriek, originating from the creature.

It's in pain...good.

The last thing the creature saw in this realm was a blue hoof crushing its skull, connected to a Princess with fire in her eyes, and a grin far more terrifying than it could ever hope to pull off.

Without any warning, the creature and the mind-scape shattered, Princess Luna lost consciousness, and the black mare's remains were scattered far beyond anything resembling Equestria.

Through it all, it seemed as if it had tasted something spicy.

Quite strange.

Author's Note

BEHOLD. MY MIND BARF. ENJOY.
Here's a gift for making it through the mess:

Fluffles make everything better!

...I have no idea how to preview this thing, and have no clue as to whether my attempts at techno wizardry haven't done horrible things to the story. So hooray readers! You get to tell me about where I screwed up and how I am a failure as a writer!

In all seriousness though, thanks for taking the time to read this. And a big thank you to all the authors on this site who continually give out quality content on a regular basis. I now realize how much of a challenge it is to even get out a single chapter, let alone 10 or 20.

Mesa/Crossover

The settlement of Mesa, now called Pillar of Mercy by its current owners, has had a long and checkered history. The city archives have lost the original settlement date, but there was still over 8,000 years of city history that one could sift through if they had both the time and patience. The Moroxan Occupation, The Storm of the Limitless, The Great Flood, Mesa weathered them all. It was even home to a Planetary Duke of the 7th Imperium who constructed a massive space elevator with Mesa as the base. The recorded reason was "To get as far away as [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] possible from this festering pit of a planet!" When it fell, Mesa was abandoned for centuries, before being occupied by the Hanshin Corporation as a surface observation post. Rising over 1.2 kilometers into the sky, the rocky outcrop offered a commanding view of the surrounding countryside, and the height also gave it excellent protection from surface attackers. Most Mesa occupiers were also able to afford at least adequate orbital defenses, ensuring safety from air and space attacks and also ensuring that Mesa remained a symbol of power and wealth in the region. It also has had over two dozen official names over the years, but since the only real constant was the settlement's geographical namesake, the name Mesa would stick.

The current rulers had divided the city into two main sections. The Base contained what the leaders considered "the uneducated rabble". The poor, the non-imperials, people who crossed the wrong noble, all were confined to the crowded and twisting streets at the bottom, hemmed in by massive walls rising over the mud-brick homes and scrap-metal huts. Turrets dotted the wall, protecting the Mesa from any potential outside -or more importantly, inside- threats. The main trading hub was a mess of warehouses, silos, loading docks and open markets that were connected to the gates by practically the only attempt at a quality road in the Base. On one of the loading docks was the crew of Overland Train #3421-23.

One was currently rolling down one of the train's flights of stairs. On fire.

"SHIT!"

*BANG*

"SHIT!"

*BANG*

"SHIT!"

*BANG*

"SHIT!"

*BANG*

"SHIT!"

*CRUNCH*

"FUCK!"

If done right, being on fire could look ridiculously awesome. Carry around some blunt instruments, have a helmet with a skull painted on, maybe include laser eyes, and you could easily become a terror of the masses. The boss did not look ridiculously awesome. In fact, had he not been wearing the repairman suit, specialized against all forms of industrial hazards, he might have looked in danger of burning to death flailing like in idiot. Instead, he just flailed like an idiot. The suit also wasn't completely sealed, letting enough heat get through to make the boss feel like a pizza in the oven, only less delicious.

His crew-mates were currently trying to put him out.

...wait...no, no they weren't. One was at the top of the stair-well laughing and hanging on to the railing, a fire extinguisher in hand, small parts of his body singed, while the other currently had mechadendrites with fire hoses already pointed at the boss, but weren't smothering the flames. Their controller had more important things to do.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CANDLE,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

With that, the hoses began gushing fire retardant foam onto the hapless boss. After a solid 15 seconds, they finally cut off, and retreated into compartments in the wall. No evidence of the fire remained. The boss's first attempt at getting up resulted in him slipping on the foam and landing once again on whatever was beneath him with a sickening crunch. His second try resulted in success, revealing ANATA'S handiwork. It was like someone decided to dress up as the Yeti for a costume party, but instead of an actual costume, decided to use cool whip. The look was completed by the massive scowl and the death glare the boss was giving to Gino, who was now rolling on the floor. The boss lacked deadly eye lasers, but that wasn't going to stop him from trying to burn Gino to a cinder. A flash distracted his murder attempt and brought him around to catch a glimpse of a camera vanishing into another wall compartment.

A thin smile appeared on his face. "...ANATA? Why did you wait so long to put out the fire?" The words flowed out like oil. Or poison.

"IT IS TRADITION TO WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE SONG IS OVER THAT THE CANDLES CAN BE BLOWN OUT. IT WOULD BE RUDE TO THE BIRTHDAY BOY TO BLOW OUT THE CAKE EARLIER."

"...of course it would. Gino?" The lizard finally made it to the floor with the Yeti, fire extinguisher still in hand. The boss's gaze turned to him and the death glare returned.

"Fire's out boss. I'll patch up the rest in a moment."

"Thanks, but that isn't what I was talking about." A finger was now pointed at Gino. "You didn't stop me from tripping over that toolbox. And you-" the gloved finger moved to a random screen in the room "let me look like an idiot, then photographed the whole mess!" A small giggle was the response on the intercom. Now I'll never get that photo!

Gino looked slightly crestfallen. "Sorry boss, you weren't in no danger, and it seemed like you needed a distraction."

...oh crap. "Thank you Gino, thank you!" Even more sarcasm was added to the thickening brew of unhappy Yeti thoughts as he began to list off with his fingers. "Let's see, repairs on one of our back-up fuel valves backfired in a way too literal sense, I was set on fire, went down a flight of stairs, flailed like an idiot while my crew members laughed at me, got covered in foam, had a picture taken of me looking like some hooker, and now I just realized we only have ten minutes to somehow find 2,700 credits in the next 10 minutes and somehow get it to whatever passes for revenue services here! Oh, and apology not accepted! From either of you!"

Sounds of a whimpering puppy came from ANATA, but the boss wasn't swayed.

Whatever else might have come out of his mouth was interrupted by a chime on a nearby wall screen. What came up on it caused the boss to blink.

ATTENTION [VALUED SUBJECT].
A BOUNTY OF 2,700 CREDITS FOR INFORMATION ON THE LOCATION OF REPO-WORMS HAS BEEN SUCCESSFULLY TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT.
HIS MAJESTY THANKS YOU FOR HELPING US MAKE HIS REALMS SAFE FOR ALL HIS PEOPLE.

MAY THE BLESSINGS OF THE ONE TRUE EMPEROR GUIDE YOU.

His confusion increased with another chime, and another message.

ATTENTION [LAWBREAKER].
YOUR FINE OF 2,700 CREDITS HAS BEEN PAYED IN FULL.
PAYMENT HAS BEEN REVIEWED AND CONFIRMED WITH HIS MAJESTY'S EXTERNAL TAX SERVICES.
FURTHER LAW BREAKING WILL RESULT IN SERIOUS REPERCUSSIONS.

MAY THE BLESSINGS OF THE ONE TRUE EMPEROR GUIDE YOU.

"...the hell?"

"DO YOU LIKE THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT?"

Now he was really confused. "ANATA, we looked through the bounty boards. We never saw this!"

"PILLAR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS WERE TIRED AFTER PLAYTIME, THEY LET ME REDECORATE WHILE THEY SLEPT. REDECORATION LED TO BIRTHDAY PRESENT IDEA!"

Realization dawned on his face, and the boss began to smile. "Create a fake bounty to help us pay off the real fine. Excellent work ANATA. You sure no one will trace your handiwork?"

"WE ARE THE BEST HIDE AND SEEK PLAYER IN THE WORLD. NO ONE HAS FOUND US YET, AND THAT WILL NOT CHANGE TODAY."

"But why didn't you do it earlier, or at least tell me about it?"

"PRESENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE! AND THE BIRTHDAY CAKE NEEDS TO BE BLOWN OUT BEFORE PRESENTS ARE OPENED!" Came ANATA'S (in her mind) completely reasonable response.

The boss seemed to stare at nothing for a bit, then walked over and collapsed on a chair, held his helmeted face in his gloves, and began to take calming breaths. Except with the outfit still covered in foam, it sounded more like a wheezing pig. ANATA was silent, while Gino watched on. After a short period the breathing stopped and the boss took his hands away from his head as he looked up to the ceiling.

"...So, you didn't get rid of the fine until the last minute, let me burn, and covered me in foam, just so I could have a proper birthday?"

"...YUP!"

The boss took a deep breath. "I...guess I should be thankful for what you did. Just please skip the birthday celebration next time, I don't mind you being rude." The boss got up and began to remove the suit, piece by piece.

"BOSS-MAN IS SUFFERING FROM BACK MAMMARIES!"

"What?" It was when he had removed the chest section of the suit that he finally got a good look at the back, and noticed what appeared to be smashed electronics in the foam. Closer inspection revealed them to be ruined photo-slates, with what appeared to be...oh.

"Hey Gino, I think I found your "relaxation material"!" The boss was waving about the foam covered wrecks.

"MY PORN!"

A brief chuckle came from the boss. "I guess you can consider yourself forgiven Gino. Alright guys, I'm going to go finish up the job. I'll be back with payment and dinner, I'm thinking stew."

"OH GRIK, IT'S ALL STUCK TOGETHER!"

The boss headed downstairs to his cabin and picked up his trading outfit. A worn leather coat covered heavy Kevlar-3 chest armor, a simple 10 mm went into its holster, a data slate went into his coat pocket, 3 home-made flash bangs went into their belt holders, 500 credits went into another coat pocket, and a V-ball cap completed the look. The boss walked upstairs before heading towards the cab's storage room. Inside were a variety of crates stacked to the ceiling with the walls lined with lockers. He went to one particular locker and took out an unmarked jewelry box, taking special care not to drop the goods. The whole process took about 15 minutes, but he eventually ended up back into the entry room. "Be back in about 3 hours, dinner should be ready by six'ish." With that the boss exited the cab and left the trade hub. Soon, he was just another part of the crowd.

Time for a delivery.

Pain. Hate. These were the only things going through the black mare, now turned corporeal mist, as it hurtled through darkness. It had long since left anything resembling Equestria. Even the neighboring realms of Tartarus, The Eternal Dream, and the Hay Lands were long gone. It couldn't see, hear, or smell anything. All it could feel was the burning sensation brought on by a direct hit from the Elements, and some semblance of forward velocity. It was going somewhere, fast.

Burnthemburnthemthemburnthemfreezethemchokethemkillthebitchkillthemallmakethemsuffermakethembreakmakethemdiemakethem- HOLY BUCK!

Specks of light began to appear, illuminating shapes in the darkness. Some were nothing more than solid cubes or bubbles. Others were stings, looping and twisting around each other in an alien dance. There were more complex shapes too. Some had strange gases swirling around in them, while others were speckled in light and color. There was a formation of triangles that made up what appeared to be a massive avian creature far above it, slowly beating its wings. A massive spoked wheel whizzed by above her, and when it was closest, she thought she could hear voices. Brief flashes would occasionally appear, but were barely given a second thought. In all this weirdness, the hate and the pain cooled off, replaced by an odd sense of calm.

Heh, bet Discord would love this place...wait, what? While the creature was in control of Princess Luna, it could look through the memories she had before it took over. When it was kicked out, the creature should've lost them all. It must've managed to take a few with it before it's admittedly flashy exit from everything it ever knew.

Its observations were interrupted by what appeared to be a tentacle of absolutely monstrous proportions snaking up alongside it. The tentacle seemingly shrunk in size as it stretched above the creature, latched on to a speckled cube, and started dragging it down, the cube growing in size as it was dragged towards the creature. It tried to get out of the way, shrink itself, anything, but the momentum was too great, and its course remained unchanged. The captured cube barely missed it and was dragged down into...

...sweet tartarus...

...well, it made sure to forget THAT. It made sure to keep its focus on what was right in front of it, while its thoughts began to return to its current predicament, and those who caused it.

That damnable Traitor, this is all her fault! "I want to be as great as my sister!" she said, "I want the whole world to know my name!" she said! And I did that! I did everything she ever asked for! And how does she repay me? By shattering me into a million bucking pieces and sending me to whatever the buck this place is! When I return to that blasted land of fleshy walkers, I'll choke their precious sun and its pathetic caretaker in the Ice Furnace! That pathetic Luna will watch as I turn every one of her subjects into broken husks. Leave her with only the dead to praise that bitch!

It's internal ranting prevented it from noticing that no new creatures or objects were in front of it. In fact, it had less than a second to register the oddity of a massive wall of liquid in front of it before it was consumed by darkness once again. The liquid had the consistency of molasses, and the violent deceleration dazed it, preventing it from getting a bearing on its surroundings. Massive currents tossed it about like a rag doll. Through it all, sounds, voices on the edge of its hearing whispered. Thankfully, the currents calmed down, allowing the creature to finally get its bearings. It tried to get the voice's attention, but even if it had a mouth, the syrupy liquid would ensure that no recognizable speech would come out. There were also no local minds she could latch on to and communicate with. The voices became slightly louder. They appeared to be arguing over something, but none of the language made any sense to the creature.

Damn them! Do they not know of my power?!? Do they not know what I can do? If they do not release me immediately, I'll see to it that they suffer the same fate- whoawhoaWHOA!

With a sudden burst of speed it was moving again. It felt like it was being stretched to near impossible lengths as it was pulled through the molasses. It couldn't feel pain in it's vaporous form, but there was the very real possibility that the speed would pull it to shreds. Just when it felt it was about to be torn apart, the pulling stopped, and light reappeared. Instead of the sticky liquid, it was now flying in a blue sky with a few clouds whizzing past.

HAH! I have been returned to Equestria! Even beings from the Void fear my WRATH! Maybe I'll just take their ears and wear them as a necklace as a thank you! Now -hehe-, time to find the Traitor.

...

...

...

BUCK! Why can't I slow down? No matter how hard it tried, the creature hurtled onward, and now that it had a better bearing on its surroundings, red flags were raised in its mind, and it began to question whether it was even back in Equestria. Massive craters had been gouged out of the land. Ruins of unfamiliar cities lied half buried in the sand, surrounded by dead forests. Seas lacked their precious water, mountains lay broken, and the earth itself had been cracked open. In the rapidly approaching distance was a column of light that reached to the heavens, and just kept going.

There also wasn't any sun in the daytime sky. There was that red flag too.

On second thought I'll murder their whole family in front of them before eating their entrails oh NOT AGAIN! For the third time in way too short a time span, it was almost ripped apart and twirled around like a bowl of noodles before coming back together in entirely new surroundings. At least it was no longer being pulled to some unknown destination.

Dear Bonnie, it's full of stars... Was the last thought it had before the cold hit it. So cold that it went into shock before passing out. Underneath it, a brown planet slowly grew in size.

Shit. That was the prevailing smell of the trade hub. With trees being rare as it is on the planet and most other forms of fuel either too complex to obtain, or were already gobbled up by the more well-to-do residents, the masses had to resort to other means for light and heat. Shit, and the methane it provided, was always in plentiful supply, and one quickly learned to ignore the smell if they wanted a cooked meal, lights, or other essentials of a civilized society. After all, there were a lot worse things to call a society other than "smelly". In the afternoon sun, the heat helped make the smell extra rich in the Base.

Shops, stalls, and fire-pits were filled with vendors hawking their wares using tactics such as signs, entertainers, or even simple volume to try and stand out among the rest. On most of the main roads were hastily erected barricades manned by soldiers unhappy with having to guard such a shit-hole. Side streets and alleys were patrolled almost constantly, while the air was abuzz with surveillance drones.

Amidst the seething masses of the Base, it would've been easy to miss the hunched figure muttering to itself as it meandered through the crowds. Local crazies talking to voices in their heads were nothing new, and he was rarely spared more than a second glass.

"Friggin, chimmin, simmin, flimmin, no good filthy excuses for crew members! Last time it was sneaking in the laxatives into my soup, now I'm on fire and they just laugh. What's next? They use me as bait for dune sharks?"

We could just get rid of them.

"...No. They're dicks, yes, but so is everyone on this rock. Gino lives up to the Scale-Dog namesake, and ANATA is a goddam nightmare when in control of the Piranhas. They're too valuable, and they know it."

They're just trying to get rid of some excess steam.

"I just wish they blew off steam that didn't involve me being in pain. Or at least do it to someone else."

So what we need is a new punching ba-er new crew member?

"Sure, let's bring on another nutcase. What could possibly go wrong? Ah! Here we go!" His wandering finally brought him to a warehouse that fit the description in the broadcast. The warehouse was more like a bunker in that it was a member of the rare breed of Orbital Shot buildings, designed to be dropped from a first-wave colony ship and make it through the intense heat and friction of atmospheric entry and the resulting landing. It was modified over the centuries but still had that old frontier aesthetic. Even the remains of the crater it made still surrounded it, if one looked hard enough. In front was a sign:

Mr. Inglas's Spare Parts Warehouse: We rip you off less than any other leading competitor, Guaranteed!

"Let's hope they're not too angry about the delay." With that, he walked up to the appropriate side entrance, and knocked 4 times, a small pause before the last. A few seconds later, the door was opened by a giant of a women in a business suit two sizes too small who glared at him before noticing the box in his hands. A small scanner appeared in her hands before she took a quick sweep of him. A green light lit up, showing he was clean of whatever they were looking for. She then brought out a simple spray bottle before liberally dousing him in some flowery scent.

"You have kept him waiting long enough. Hurry." She said before quickly ushering him inside.

The warehouse was a hive of activity. People of all shapes and sizes scurried about, hauling crates, checking shipping manifests, and standing guard around the entrances and windows. One lady was even at what at first appeared to be nothing more than a mess of wires and busted electronics, but on closer inspection revealed a jury-rigged radio station, muttering into a microphone in some coded language.

He was being led by the his greeter to the rear of the warehouse, guards keeping a constant watch on him. In the back was a simple desk with a hunched figure, scribbling down information on a piece of paper before handing it off to someone else. A small candle of incense was burning, giving off a smell similar to what was currently covering the boss. A quick clearing of the throat by the greeter made the figures finally notice the boss and the jewelry box. Brief flashes of relief, then anger, appeared in his eyes before being squashed down and replaced with a large smile.

"Ah, so our little mail man has finally decided to show up!" He said as he got up and walked around the desk. "Allow me to introduce myself: I am Ticker Inglas, and let me welcome you to my humble little warehouse. I see you have met Ms. Honno." The smile lessened a bit. "What kept you? Fell asleep at the wheel?" The smile regained its original size along with a light chuckle as he approached the boss. For all intents and purposes, he was just a simple business man in a nice suit who was slightly unhappy with the delay. It was untrue of course, the way he had his nose stuck up higher than the mesa itself, the tacked on smile, the way he looked at the boss like he was slightly spoiled meat, the slight sneer, and the way he walked all pointed to a man of much higher station than he wanted to be seen as. It made no difference to the boss, everyone on this planet was hiding something, and those traders who were smart learned to ignore their customer's little secrets.

The boss simply shrugged. "Guess so, the Repo-Worms are getting so easy to kill it's almost boring." The comment the expected reaction from some of the guards; questioning looks, some stiffened backs, a look of fear in one or two pairs of eyes. "I hope I'm not too late."

Mr. Inglas's smile never wavered. "Of course not! Please, we're both quite busy, so let's get this over with." The handover went without incident, and Ticker returned to his desk before picking up a data slate and pressing a few buttons while the boss took out his own slate. "Here's your payment." The boss's slate beeped and a number appeared on the screen.

The boss frowned. Of course it wouldn't be that simple. A glare to the business man helped to voice the boss's displeasure. It was returned with the first real smile from Mr. Inglas. "Is there a problem?"

"This isn't the agreed upon amount."

"You didn't come at the agreed time little mail man. In fact, you should be thankful for the fact that I took off such a small percentage." Mr. Inglas was back in his desk and began to open the jewelry box. "Now if you would kindly leave me be, I would be most thankful."

The boss turned around, and began to make his way to the exit, all the while taking a closer look at his surroundings. The crates people were carrying around seemed to be designed less to hold parts, and more to hold explosives. The workers themselves had an undercurrent of sharp discipline more common with those of the military tradition, not warehouse workers. Some had odd bulges in their clothing, which could be almost anything, but seemed to be shapes similar to the firearms the guards were holding. They also seemed to be a very observant bunch, always keeping at least one eye on him and their boss. He took one last glance to at Mr. Inglas, and just caught the barest glimpse of something being pulled out of the box, but it was enough.

Spare parts warehouse my ass. A plan formed in his head, he grinned, and turned around.

"Mr. Inglas, have you ever heard of Refuge Lake?"

A frown appeared on Mr. Inglas's face. "I thought I told you to leave, or do I need to have Ms. Honno escort you out." The last sentence was punctuated by the lovely woman cracking her knuckles and growing a feral grin.

The boss didn't leave. In fact, he began pacing. "Refuge Lake is the last remnant of a global ocean that once covered the whole planet over 5,000 years ago. Water traders there sell this ancient water at massively inflated rates to other settlements across the planet. The Pillar elite can't get enough of this ancient water, and are regular customers."

"What does this have to do with anything? I said leave!" The guards and some of the "workers" began to notice the commotion and work ceased as they waited.

"I know some of the water traders who sell here. For a small fee, I could convince them to sell the water to the new ruler of Pillar of Mercy at a reduced price. The new ruler would most certainly be the envy of his friends when they see how much of this precious water he had obtained. Surely they would fall over themselves to impress the richest person on the planet!"

Everyone had stopped what they were doing and were staring at the boss.

"...What makes you think the Pillar will have a new ruler?" There was ice in his eyes, and his right hand began inching to one of the desk drawers.

Keeping an even tone, the boss replied. "Oh, a few things didn't seem right with this little business of yours. But the tip off is that WS-EMP device you just took out of the box, perfect for taking out certain communications equipment. There's also the fact that you're now reaching for a weapon."

A simple flick of Mr. Inglas's wrist was the response, and as one, over two dozen firearms were pointing at him. Mr. Inglas himself had a silenced pistol trained to his head. He began to sweat as his eyes darted around, searching for possible escape routes. His neck began to tingle. Forcing himself to stay calm, the boss slowly raised his hands. Mr. Inglas smirked.

"I could easily make you...disappear, and once I'm in control, no-one would bother with trying to find a missing little mail-man."

"I believe my crew would disagree with you on that."

"They could disappear just like you."

"That would take time and resources you really need elsewhere. And if I'm not back soon, they can easily raise up quite a shit storm from the authorities and send it strait here." The boss shrugged. "We don't want that happening. You are complicating your plans at the most critical moment of any successful revolution, and I am quite willing to stay quiet on this matter, and help you out in saving a bit of money. All I ask is some compensation."

"...How do I know you won't report this?"

We're getting through. "If you live on this world as long as I have, you get a good understanding of how turbulent the power structure gets. This isn't the first revolution I've dealt with, and hopefully, not the last. Besides, you at least payed me, the current rulers shot at my vehicle and fined me before I was even through the gate. You're better than them in my book."

The stalemate continued for what seemed an eternity, but Mr. Inglas slowly lowered his gun, before ordering everyone else to do the same.

"How much?" The boss was cut off before he could answer. "And no, it will not be the difference from the original job."

"80% of the deduction right now."

"20%."

"60."

"40."

"55."

"40."

"...deal."

The jovial attitude returned to Mr. Inglas. "Excellent! By the way mail-man, you'll need to get a good night's rest if you want to avoid the...morning rush hour." Mr. Inglas now had a grin that would easily classify as "shit-eating". This was returned by the boss's own brand of shit eating grin.

"Thank you for your concern. When does it get bad?"

"9:42 sharp."

"We'll be in the desert by 9."

"Wise move. May the One True Emperor guide you in your travels."

"May he guide you as well." The boss made his way out of the building, watched by guards who no longer had to keep up the facade. He was soon back out into the sounds and smells of the outside. It would only take a few minutes to find dinner.

The sun had set about an hour ago, and most residents had retreated into their own homes. The only ones still out were patrols enforcing curfew, and masked figures silently tailing them. Lights here and there flickered on, casting the streets and alleyways with a variety of shadows, some of which even moved. With the sun gone, the temperature plummeted to near freezing. This at least helped lessen the smell. In the caravan's cab, a few lights were on. Most were the dull glow of monitors, but there was also a simple reading light attached to a desk in the rear of the cab. Hunched over the desk was the boss, checking his slate for maintenance reports, then checking their personal inventory if they had the spare parts. There was also the matter of checking ANATA's handiwork with the paper work that would get them out of the city without being shot at. Again. She was good, but tended to leave "gifts" buried in the documents that would range from harmless to very very very not harmless. The boss didn't mind. The editing had turned into a virtual game over the years. If the boss won, ANATA would back off on her usual antics and at least try not to cause too much trouble. If not...well, the boss made sure they were at a safe distance before someone uncovered one of ANATA's gifts.

Hmmm...nothing here. Nothing here. Clean. Good. Where is that-oh wait there it is. A few taps removed the offending piece of data before the boss leaned back and began popping joints. It was soon interrupted by the walky-talky.

"Eh boss, you won yet?"

A quick flailing about brought the device to near his face. "Just got it. Have fun on first watch."

"Will do, see ya at 2 boss." The walky-talky shut off and the boss continued to make some last minute checks on the paperwork and supply lists. The next few minutes were filled with the gentle hum of monitors and the occasional squeak from the desk chair. The boss's thoughts drifted to the future, and their next job. There was an archeological expedition in a settlement called O'Neill who were looking for safe transport to some space wreckage in the Ontan Sea. They also needed guards for the 20 days they would be staying there. The journey to the site alone would take 6 days of travel so there would be at least a good month without resupply. Still, everything was ironed out before hand, no vague desires for "hunting for the greatest treasure in history" or "retrieving the last hope of mankind" or any of that nonsense. 20 days, a wrecked ship, and lot of sunscreen. The wreckage was in an ungoverned region, so there would at least be a few bandits to keep things interesting.

"DID BOSS ENJOY PLAYTIME?" The peace was interrupted by ANATA making her presence known in her own ear-drum-breaking way. The boss turned to one of the many monitors before responding.

"ANATA, you're getting easy! Where were the copies, the junk data, the malware? There wasn't even any encryptions. Something up?"

"BIRTHDAY."

"What?"

"BOSS DIDN'T ENJOY BIRTHDAY PRESENT. HAD TO SEARCH MIRROR FOR NEW PRESENT IDEAS."

[sigh] "ANATA, that was a great gift you got me. Really! I was just feeling a little inconvenienced at that moment and needed to clear my head." If you want to call being lit on fire and about to be imprisoned "inconvenient" then go ahead. "I should've shown my appreciation better. I'm sorry ANATA, can you please forgive me?"

Her response was to deploy a fire hose and give him a face full of foam.

"...CAKE HAS ENOUGH FROSTING NOW."

"Thanks." A quick glance at one of the screens brought to the boss's attention how late it was. "ANATA, it's getting late. Time for some rest. For both of us."

"BUT I WANT TO PLAY HIDE AND SEEK WITH FRIENDS OUTSIDE!"

Outside? What is she talking about? The only people still outside are...the guards, and...oh. "ANATA, we weren't invited to their games, it would be very rude to barge in without asking would it? In any case, you need to rest up. We're heading out bright and early tomorrow morning and we need all the energy we can get. Okay?"

"...OKAY."

A few minutes later, ANATA was finally resting, and the boss shuffled his way down to his cabin. The only illumination was provided by the occasional blinking maintenance lights and dull glow of a few monitors. One level below the entry compartment was crew living quarters, although it was less "quarters" and more "bunks bolted onto whatever open space was available at the time". At the far end of the quarters was a door with the word BOSS hastily scribbled over the word JANITOR'S CLOSET. Opening the door revealed the current object of his affections: a cot.

Might actually get some work done. Was the last thought that went through his head before he collapsed on the cot and went out like a light.

Author's Note

I blame New Vegas for the lateness. I cannot wait until I get to start calling Empy and Nightmare Moon real names. This is getting ridiculous.

Sandstorm/Meeting

The early mornings were never easy for travelers about to make a long journey. Deadlines had to be met, and schedules had to be kept. Most would end up skipping on the unimportant things such as "good rest" and "breakfast" to make sure they were on the road on time. For the members of Overland Train #3421-23, they had extra incentive to get the hell outta dodge before the sun got too high. As the clock slowly passed the 8 AM mark, ANATA was busy making the final pre-drive checks while Gino and the boss were in the bait car, checking the electrical systems.

"How about now?"

"Still nothing boss."

Friggin perfect. With a grunt, the boss began to wiggle his way back into the maintenance hatch and into the maze of wires and circuit boards. Most of it was covered in dust, a result of a faulty ventilation system they had yet to fix, so regular cleaning of these areas was the norm for the past few months. He began to regret putting the main transfer point for the car this far in, but soon enough, the device was in front of him, covered in a light coating of dust. A few quick whacks knocked off a bit more dust, and a low hum began to echo throughout the car. The boss made his way back out of the hatch onto the bait car's floor.

"We got power boss!"

"Friggin finally, come on Gino, we're getting close to the departure time." With a huff the boss and Gino began to make their way to the front of the train, Gino up top, effortlessly weaving between vents and leaping across the cars, while the boss made his way through the cars and coupling tunnels keeping them together. Needless to say, Gino was already in the bubble turret making final checks as the boss wheezed his way up into the cab.

"How are we -gasp- looking ANATA?"

"CHECKS COMPLETE. READY FOR START-UP."

"Alright -wheeze-, Gino you ready?"

"Always boss." With that the boss's hands began to dance over the controls, switching knobs, pushing buttons, and helped to wake up the train. A low rumble could be felt as the reactor came online.

"ALL SYSTEMS NOMINAL."

"Alright, let's get outta here."

Fortunately there wasn't any traffic this early in the morning, so reaching the gates was a relative snap. The train ground to a halt and the boss made his way to the entrance station carrying all the papers needed to get out. In contrast to the previous day, the streets and shops were empty of their usual denizens. The barricades were unmanned, and not even the buzz of the drones could be heard. The boss made sure to pick up the pace. The station itself was a conglomeration of transport containers welded together. Right before the entrance was a massive fan that blasted the boss with warm scented air and nearly blew off his cap. The inside was a small room. A few chairs scattered about surrounding old coffee tables. Posters of the Eternal Emperor and a few of his more memorable quotes hung on the walls, and on the far end was a desk with a simple bell. Ringing it brought out a clerk from one of the back rooms, wiping his hands clean.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, got some release papers here for you guys." Replied the boss as he handed over the not inconsiderable stack. The clerk took them and immediately stashed them away in some unseen desk.

"Your papers are in order. If you have any questions, please see the help desk on level 2." He said pointing to a non-existent staircase.

"...Uhm-"

"I'm sorry, but any questions must be directed to the help desk on level 2. We apologize for the inconv-" He was interrupted by muffled groaning from the back. "Excuse me, but I have some business that needs to be taken care of." With that, he made his way to the door that led to a back room. As the boss made his way out, he overheard the clerk calling from the back.

"Mr. Inglas expects his -grunt- traders soon, don't be late -snap!- again."

"Eh-heh, don't worry! Soon he'll be drowning in the water!" The boss huffed and puffed his way back into the cab. The train roared and lurched its way out of the gates. As an hour passed, they made good progress away from the city and were hugging the Dead Spine as the clock marked 9:32.

"Fireworks's startin' up boss!"

The boss climbed back through the cab and to one of the coupling tunnels before taking a ladder up top to get a better view. The opening salvos of the revolution were multiple missile strikes originating from the Base to fortified towers and bunkers on top. These were soon joined by las-beams, plasma-bolts, and heavy cannon. Taken by surprise, most of the defenses were already being blown sky-high, while the few left intact hap-hazardly threw whatever they could down below. The radio was chattering up quite a storm, mostly with security forces trying to figure out what the hell was going on and why none of their more advanced equipment seemed to be working. It was quit a spectacle, visible for miles around, and all the colors, explosions, and flames made for an almost beautiful scene. From a safe distance of course.

"Nick of time eh?"

"No, nick of time is having to blast our way out of that mess and get hounded by some unsavory folks for a few days at the very least. We left on time, and can enjoy the show in peace. Now, feel free to keep watching, I'm going to be in the cab for a bit, catch up on some reading." The boss made his way back into the cab and fished out the book in the door compartment. All in all, a job well done.

In the middle of the chaos back at the mesa, within the wires, circuits, and programs of the city's bureaucratic systems, a program activated. A small thing, it's only purpose was to change a few numbers here, delete a letter or two there...

Within seconds of activation, the program deleted itself, its work now complete. Empy's Transport; its name, employees, equipment, and a thousand other details altered just so, too little to arouse any immediate suspicion, but just enough to give them time to disappear back into the shifting sands.

As He looked upon His creation, He saw much villainy,
And he knew there was much to be done...

It's first thoughts were slow, and took time to be brought to the forefront of its mind, and even longer to make any decisions. One of its first thoughts was how cold it was. The chill was far worse than any it had previously experienced, and trying not to pass out again was taking up most of its mind.

Cold, cold, so cold, why so cold, sweet tartarus why? These thoughts repeated themselves as it attempted to pull itself together, as its form was now scattered across the void. It was forced to dip into its reserves of magical energy to slowly grasp the pieces of itself. It was also hampered by the near total lack of air, vapor, or dust to provide anchoring points and direct the pieces back. This process took an agonizingly long time and about the only other thing it noticed about it's surroundings was the color orange directly beneath it. Minutes, hours, it wasn't sure, passed before it had at least collected itself back into a shadowy form of an equine.

Even worse, its connection to the Endless Dream was severed. No matter how hard it tried, she could not feel the familiar tug that it could feel everywhere, even if it couldn't get into the dreamscape for over a thousand years. This really started to worry the creature, as even in its darkest moments, there was always that familiar tug to remind it of where it was, and who it is. Without the connection, it was...lost.

About the only respite it had was the extreme cold was gradually lessening, allowing it to get some bearing on its surroundings. Mainly, the gargantuan orange orb taking up most of its view. It briefly thought it was Ucon, but it could find no familiar features on the surface. The blues, greens, and whites was replaced by an almost uniform light brown. Here and there mountain ranges surrounded veritable seas of sand, while a few canyons wound their way through the dunes and off into the horizon. Splotches of grey indicated a few settlements dotted across the desert, clinging to small oasis es.

It's thoughts were now joined by a sensation of heat that had been steadily growing from noticeable to uncomfortable levels. A simple shield spell managed to ward off most of the heat, but it knew that it was about to get a lot worse.

And lo, did the angels join Him in joyous song, beginning a great crusade against the evils-

"Boss!"

"What is it Gino?"

"6 o'clock, we got a sandstorm brewing." Checking his side-view mirrors and cameras, all the boss could see was the Dead Spine stretching out to the horizon surrounded by the open expanse of desert. By this point Mesa was a small point above the horizon, wisps of smoke trailing away. There was not a cloud in the sky.

"You sure about that Gino? Could've been a mirage, lots of those out here."

"Negative boss, it's there. The sky above the horizon's been getting browner for the past 10 minutes." It was probably a mirage. Heck, the boss was convinced that there was a herd of dancing tacos just beyond the horizon a few hours ago. But, it was always considered foolhardiness to doubt the eyes of a scale dog, so the boss got out of his seat to get a closer look at his mirrors, the cameras already at their maximum magnification. Opening the side window let in an uncomfortably dry breeze, but allowed him to take a look out back. There was still a few wisps of smoke from Mesa barely above the horizon, but was now joined by the sky gradually taking on a browner tint. With that much already visible, then...

"Alright, we're stopping here." The train slowly ground to a halt alongside one of the major skeleton rings. "Gino, we need everything sealed up tight alright? Check the cars, I'll take care of the cab." The proceeding half-hour was a rush of bolting, securing, and cursing as the duo made sure nothing could get blown off or shaken loose.

"ANATA, we need the overpressure system up and running and seal all entryways. Shutoff the ventilation for the bait car as well."

"CONFIRMED, OVERPRESSURE SYSTEM ONLINE. ENTRANCES SEALED. NO LEAKAGES DETECTED. VENTILATION FOR BAIT CAR DISABLED."

He then scanned across the dashboard looking for a certain switch...

There's the bugger. "Recommend you hang on to something Gino." When the switch was flipped, motors on the train's wheel joints began to chug, and slowly lowered the cars onto the dusty surface. Once contact was made, the motors went into overdrive trying to drive the cars into the ground. A pointless endeavor, had the seismic engines not started their work as well. Each seismic engine sent out vibrations through the hull and into the ground, forcing the dust and gravel loose and letting the train, bit by bit, sink into the dirt. The boss was currently thanking his lucky stars for the reinforced driving seat that prevented the worst of the vibration from rattling his spine. By the time the process was over, the train was nearly half buried in the sand with the wheels now reaching over the car tops.

"Had fun up there?"

"...bit my tongue boss."

"Hehe~y, not a bad welcome from the engines! My first time got me a broken hip bone. Don't worry, you learn quick. Now, we need to make sure the seals are good, especially in the bait car. Storm should be on us by the time we finish."

"So do we just wait it out?"

"Yup. Don't worry, I've got some board games to help relax and pass the time." Even after the walkie talkie was turned off, Gino's hiss of frustration could still be easily heard from the cab.

Relaxing was now the very last thing on the creature's mind as it desperately tried to keep its shields up as it made a hard descent toward the surface below. Only twice before it had encountered such high energies, and never for this long. Almost as soon as it got a shield working, the intense heat and friction would melt the whole thing away, forcing it to repeat the process again and again. This was unfortunately putting a serious dent on it's magical reserves. All the while, the creature cursed it's predicament, the ponies who sent it here, and most of all, the alicorn who stabbed it in the back.

"RAAAAAAAAAARGH! DAMN HER DAMN HER DAMN HER! I HELP HER! I GIVE HER POWERS BEYOND HER WILDEST DREAMS! AND WHAT DOES SHE BUCKING DO!? SEND ME TO BURN IN THE MIDDLE OF BUTTBUCK NOWHERE!! THAT WHORSE! THAT BI-"

Its ranting was interrupted by an extreme jump in temperature. Another shield just went down and the heat started to vaporize its outer layer.

"Focus." The sudden thought managed to calm it down long enough to set up a layered shield that would hopefully give it some time. The sudden clarity allowed it to take stock of its situation.

It was nowhere it had even thought to exist.

It was falling. Fast.

The heat was rapidly becoming unbearable even for its form.

It couldn't keep up going through shields at this rate.

Buck that stupid blue alicorn.

The only chance it had to not have its remains smeared across the upper atmosphere was a change in tactics. It's only hope, it realized, was to somehow slow down enough to at least survive entry. It immediately discarded levitation spells, as it required a connection between both the object levitating and the surface. The shielding that was keeping it alive also prevented anything from reaching out. Now regretting the effectiveness of its own shields, it had to somehow slow itself down while inside the protective bubble, but how?

The flames currently surrounding it began to dredge up memories of somewhere long ago. Trade negotiations were occurring between the Equestrian tribes and the strange people of the Diode. The successful talks were concluded with a massive display of flame and color by something the diodes called "fireworks". They were tubes filled with combustible materials that, when lit, would shoot straight up into the sky before exploding into a rainbow of different colors. Odd little devices, they worked entirely without magic! The speed and noise they made when they shot up must've required plenty of force. If it could be replicated...

Quickly, a plan began to take shape. Some of its reserves went to form a simple cone of hardened shielding, hopefully enough to take the beating that it was about to receive. Its thought processes, memories, and everything else that made up what could only generously be called a "soul" was embedded into the the outside of the cone. All remaining reserves went on to form a highly unstable form of magical energy, waiting to be released. It had to take pieces from over a dozen other spells to form what it had in mind and had no idea if it would even work, but as the last layer of the shielding began to fail, it used a simple ignition spell, and hoped.

Here goes nothing...

"Swarm to C8." The little ball of cloth was moved to the boss's rook with near glee by Gino who looked up expectantly at the old man's face. The boss simply stared back, waiting.

"Er, boss? That's a loss right?"

"Maybe, you need to roll the dice first."

"C'mon boss! The hit's practically guaranteed!"

"Roll the dice."

With a low hiss, Gino grabbed his dice and made a roll, scattering the dice across the board, and nearly knocking over one of his War Engines. After they came to rest, the numbers were tabulated. 5, 3, 2, and 6. With a grin, Gino removed the boss's swarm and added it to his growing pile of trophies, dwarfed only slightly by the boss's pile. They were in the entrance room, huddled around the single table. The routine noises of the cab were joined by the low rumbling of the storm outside.

"Told you it would hit."

"There was a chance it could miss, and the Rook gets two counter attacks in a row. You might not have won."

"But I only had a 4.6% chance of rolling all ones!"

"A small chance yes, but can still happen. Now, I believe it's my turn." The process continued as their piles grew. ANATA was now back to her normal self and softly singing opera in binary. It was times like these that everyone could forget about the outside world and just relax.

It didn't want to be in this body again. Really didn't. Too many memories. Too much pain. The physical form always felt...wrong somehow, but after casting the spell and blacking out from the resulting strain, it woke up to find itself in that stupid Nightmare Moon getup. What was worse, it had completely tapped out its magical reserves trying to stay alive and had no energy left to turn into a more comfortable ethereal form. Even thinking was putting a massive strain on its body, and barely paid attention to its surroundings. More specifically, the seemingly unending tide of wind and dust tossing its body about like a discarded rag doll and the constant roaring in its ears.

Thankfully, the exhaustion brought about by the less than stellar entry now caught up with it, and drifted off into a fitful slumber, still taking a beating from the surrounding storm.

With the game long since concluded, and the storm still raging outside, the two employees of Empy's Transport were currently busying themselves with ways of passing the time. Gino was spending more time in the turret, performing "calibrations" on the weapon systems. The boss meanwhile was dozing in the driver's seat, an old book in one hand and some lukewarm coffee on the opposite armrest. In the train's systems, AMATA was running through the implications of sudden immortality on a command economy while observing for breaches in the train cars.

It was a violent lurch that sent the employees rocketing out of their routines. Gino was quite violently introduced to the gun's control panel while the Boss got a face full of coffee with accompanying smashed mug. AMATA, while having no physical form, was still violently torn from her train of thought and into the unpleasantness of reality. All three began cursing in their own special ways but it was the Boss' voice that first called out over the walkie-talkie.

"...Gino? You might want to see this."

Cursing his way down to the front of the cab, Gino nursed some heavy bruising on his forehead, and initially didn't notice what the Boss was pointing at. Finally lowering his hand, Gino's first reaction was a startled step back. There, on the window, was...

"...what's that Boss?"

"...Dinner."

Author's Note

...In my defense it's still September 2015 on my calendar. In any case, here's a video for your troubles.