Lets fight dragons! While we work in the office. And **** ***S!

by fearanger

Rating: mature
Tags: Crossover, Comedy, Random
Length: 2249

(Warning: massive amounts of swearing and inappropriate jokes in this story do not read without permission) Okay so Red is bored so he and blue go to Raccoons shop to do something then Lord Tourettes follows them and random crap happens and whatever… Anyway, these three are closet Bronies and seeing that the Raccoon had a time machine they thought he had a dimensional portal and… yeah… shit happens… -_- These three just won't stop getting in trouble won't they? *snicker* Am I right?

MLP FIM is owned by Hasbro
Dick Figures is owned by MondoMedia

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-18 08:48:56 UTC

The whole story!

In the sticky (not literally) world of the dick figures Blue and Red, it was pretty peaceful and beautiful... if you look anywhere except they're apartment which has rave music going on, barf all over the floors and the food everywhere including the roof. Red was running riot around the place eating everything on the tables that haven't already been eaten by the guests.

"WOOHOO! THIS PARTY IS FUCKED UP! ... In a good way!" Yelled Red over the music as he fainted from all the food he had eaten. "Guh... too full..." Then suddenly, he threw up...

"Uh... Red? You feeling okay?" Said Blue who was staring straight down at him.

"Of course I am moron! Who do you think I am? A man with an eating disability?!" Blue was wide-eyed from how fast Red got up from the floor and how he doesn't even seem slowed down from the massive quantities of food he's eaten.

"Yeah well whatever... You need to come with me Red." Said Blue.

"That's what she said!" Red replied childishly.

"No seriously! ..." Blue inched closer to red to which Red was surprised at thinking Blue was about to kiss him. "... You know how you, me and Lord Tourettes forgot to watch the two episode finale of MLP right?" Blue whispered. Red nodded in response.

"What about it?"

"Well, Lord Tourettes found both of the episodes on ustube so we can watch them!" Said Blue. Red's face lit up from hearing this.

"HOT DIGGITY SHIT BABY!" Shouted Red surprising everyone and stopping the music. Blue punched him in the gut for being so loud.

"Dude shut up! Do you want everyone to know and get them laughing at us?!" Blue was pissed at Red... since when he isn't?

"Dude relax! Now where is old Swearsy Mc Asspants?" Questioned Red with a large grin.

"He's in the closet right behind us." Blue pointed to the closet that was right behind them and they both went inside.

"Oh! There you two ASSHOLES are!" Spazzed Lord Tourettes.

"Dude. Laptop. Open. Ustube. NOW!" Demanded Red as he held out a cutlass next to Lord Tourettes head.

"Now don't get impatient BITCH! But it might take a while to lo-..." Lord Tourettes and the others were surprised to see the laptop's screen off. "... FUCKING DUMB CHARGELESS SON OF A BITCH!!!"

"Quick! Get the charger cord in the hole!" Worried Blue.

"That's what she sai-"

"Shut up or I'll stick it in your hole!" Blue interrupted Red with his childish streak. Lord Tourettes put the cord in and the laptop zapped back to life.

"Woohoo!" Shouted the trio. They quickly got onto Ustube and started to watch the season 2 finale.

Sometime later...

Finally! They have watched all of the episodes! And are now happy. Blue squealed throughout the episodes, Red was shedding manly tears and Lord Tourettes was sticking his tongue out in glee throughout the whole thing.

"I can finally die happy..." said Blue quietly.

"Red be crying for joy!" yelled Red who really was crying for joy.

"From what I've heard, we're waiting for a long time for another episode." Said Lord Tourettes raining on the two friends parade.

"WHAT?! HOW LONG?!" Demanded an angry Red ready to cut the lord's head off.

"I don't FUCKING know! I forgot!" Replied Lord Tourettes who was almost as angry as Red.

"Oh my god! What are we going to do?" Said Blue. Suddenly, a lightbulb lit up over reds head... What?!

"I have an idea! Let's go fucktards!" Ordered Red who looked up at the lightbulb, grabbed it and smashed it over his forehead covering his face in blood. Red then jumped through the roof like a rocket.

"... I will never understand how that moron can do that..." Said a dazed Blue who proceeded to follow him normally with Lord Tourettes tagging along.

now to raccoon's shop...

Red fell from the sky and faceplanted on the ground in front of raccoon's shop then got up showing that he should be dead by now with all the blood that he lost... Speaking of which, the fall managed to catch some of his blood in the air and is now raining down. After about three minutes, Blue and Lord Tourettes catch up to Red who is now jerking out of boredom.

"Red, multiple questions. 1. Why is it raining blood? 2. How can you survive from all that blood loss and 3. Why are you masturbating in public?" Questioned Blue.

"1. That's my blood, 2. I'm awesome and 3. Nobody can stop me cause I could just beat the crap out of everybody!" Answered Red who is pointing to the crowd of people around them who have scared expressions on them.

"Hm... I wonder if their scared by your DICK?!" Said Lord Tourettes.

"Their not, they just don't want to be cock slapped by him. Come on Red, let's go!" Blue and Lord Tourette's began to walk into the building.

"Hehe... Come..." Joked Red inappropriately.

Meanwhile, the blue and green stick figures are walking around looking at everything until the Raccoon finally called out..

"Relcome Brue and swearface!" Announced the Raccoon in his Japanese accent as he jumped in sight behind the store's counter. Red then suddenly sped past Blue and 'swearface' and stopped instantly in front of the counter.

"Hey furry shit! Watcha doin'? Did you brush your fur? You look beautiful today... Do you want to come to my place and you could be 'beast' and I could be 'iality'? Flirted Red in a suspicious way.

"... Rhat do you rant?" Said Raccoon, seeing through his words.

"Nothing! I was just hoping you had a dimensional transporter." Mused Red hoping Raccoon would respond in the way he wants.

"¥10,000... Or in your case 1,000$, I'll take both currency." said Raccoon startling the trio.

"1,000?! Dude, that's all our money! We won't be able to pay the rent of our apartment! That reminds me, you still owe me money." Worried blue who is trying to convince Red not to pay for it.

"What?! How the FUCK am I going to see real life equestrian ponies now?!" Yelled Lord Tourettes.

"Rait, ponies?!" Said Raccoon as he and the trio went into a dramatic stare. "... It's in the back."

In the back, Red, Blue and Lord Tourettes are staring at a huge tube-like thing with buttons and beeping and whatnot.

" Woohoo! Let's go!" Exlaimed Red as he grabbed the others arms and ran into the teleporter feeling a bit cramped in it.

"This is a lot smaller than I thought..." Complained Blue. But somehow, Red managed to press the 'GO' button behind him and the machine start to sizzle and spark until suddenly, they disappeared in an explosion of light...

Somewhere in an unknown dimension...

The trio ended up in a weird grassy and bumpy plain at nighttime. Few clouds where still visible up in the night sky where the moon is proudly showing itself off... Wait, I don't remember seeing these plains before! Anyway, the three dickateers ended up getting squeezed out of the machine allowing them space to stretch their muscles.

"Uh... Thank god we're here!" Said Red sniffing the ground which suspiciously smelled like crack. "Holy crap! I could snort the grass all day!" He proceeded to sniff the ground more. Blue then tapped him on the shoulder, getting his attention.

"Hold on, if this is Equestria, then why does it say 'Chaos Dimension' on this monitor?" Said Blue, pointing to a small screen on the transporter. Surely chaos was something Equestria wasn't about right? That's when Lord Tourettes started screaming like R2-D2 was in fire. The two friends looked at what he was screaming at and found this purple smog materialising into dark, oddly coloured and shaped creatures.

"What the fuck are those things?!" Shouted Blue who jumped into the transporter along with Lord Tourettes and Red.

"Push the GODDAMN button you WANKERS!!!" Yelled a terrified Lord Tourettes as Red somehow slammed the lords head on the button and they zipped out of there.

Now to a cube-like dimension...

They now end up in a world where things are made of cubes. Even melons and pumpkins! Red walks out and stares in amazement followed by the others behind him with less amazement and more confusion.

"Wow, this place is funny looking!" Said a star-struck Red, taking in the weirdness of this place. He then finds a chicken walking up to a ukulele and plucking the strings softly, making music. Red has not seen anything this cute before!

"Oh my god! That is adorable! Can I keep him? I'll call him chicky amazing! Aww... Your so cu-" A shadow looms over Red, interrupting him...

"Hey Red, we may need to get out of this pla- What the fuck?!" Blue turned around to see Red having a staring contest with a tall, dark and scary monster with glowing purple eyes and a gaping mouth, ready to attack... Any second now...

"..."

"Uuuuurrrrrrrrggg..."

"..."

"UUUUUURRRRRRRRRGGGG..."

"..."

"UUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRGGG-" The creatures head suddenly explodes and shrieks a horrifying shriek, leaving a thick, gooey black liquid to spurt everywhere and leaving the monster's headless body to collapse.

"What the fuck did you just do?!" asked Blue in a frightened manner as Red ran past him.

"I mindraped him. Come on, let's go!" Said Red as he took the ukulele playing chicken with him back to the transporter and somehow kicked the button as the three got inside.

Now to a familiar and dangerous war zone... I think...

The three now appear in the middle of a raging battlefield. With small baseball bat-wielding people, soldier-like veterans, russian shooting men and weird pyromaniacs running riot.

"What the FUCK is this SHITHOLE?!" Red and Blue were just as confused as Lord Tourettes as they saw the fight wage on and listening to the participants shouting their war cries and other random stuff.

"Screamin' Eagles!"

"Need a dispenser here!"

"I'm drunk! You don't have an excuse."

"Mrph Mrph Mrph!" (go go go!)

"May I make a suggestion? Run."

"Gotta move this gear up!"

"Put dispenser here!"

"Thanks for standin' still wanka!"

"I am fully charged!"

"Let's get out of here..." Said Blue as Red surprisingly agreed as they zapped away.

"Son... What was that?"

"I don't know gramps! Maybe it was your time travelling grandma and her parents!" Mocked the BLU Scout as the RED Soldier hit him across the face with a shovel.

Let's hope this is it this time...

Lastly... And hopefully... They appear in this dark and gloomy forest, the leaves of the trees covering the top of the forest to shelter the inhabitants of the forest from as much sunlight as possible. The three walk out and and are shocked to see that the monitor is saying "Equestria".

"YES!!!"

"ALRIGHT!!!"

"Yipee ki-yay MOTHER FUCKER!!!! The three shouted out in excitement! But that's when Blue realised...

"We're in the Everfree Forest..." Then suddenly, rustling was heard behind them in the bushes! The three screamed at the top of their lungs.

"Holy shit it's Jade! DON'T EAT ME!!!"

"Don't you dare fight me or I'll burn your town you cursed son of a murdering bitch!"

"Don't turn me into FUCKING cupcakes WHORE! I'll do whatever you want!" that's when the supposed undead-zombie-skeleton-like-sadistic-killer turned out to be a chicken with a snakes... tail... and wings... they're fucked!

"Let's run before we're turned to stone..." Whispered Blue, but it was too late. The Cockatrice is already glaring at them.

"AAAAHHHHHH!!! Don't look don't look don't l..." It was too late... They ended up turned into... stoned... people.... How is it that they don't turn to stone?

*14 Ninja Pizzas later*

The three walked out of the forest with nothing of a scratch on them and ended up leaving their stoned selves behind as they said bye to the monsters that inhabited the forest.

"Well, that was interesting!" Said Blue with a smile on his face.

"I never knew Hydras SUCKED ASS with playing darts! ... Where did he get that dart board anyway?" Pondered Lord Tourettes. Red looked wiped out compared to the other two who looked like they enjoyed the time in there.

"Ah man! Who knew Manticores had such small pussies!" Blue and L.T looked... Disgusted....

"Dude, did you perform bestiality?!"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Oh my god... Look Red, your my friend. I respect that. But your going to have to avoid having sex with the inhabitants! We know your a sex addict, but Equestria isn't into that! Okay, here is what's going to happen. Red, try to be less crazy. Lord Tourettes, when your going to swear, block your mouth and try to keep your spazzes down. And me... I guess I'll be myself. I only go crazy at Red." Blue's complicated plan was long but understandable. Both Red and L.T smiled at his plan and nodded to it. This could actually work!

Yeah. Uhu. R and B in the house! That's Red and Blue, not rhythm and blues!

Shorty make that booty clap. Put that butt into my lap.

Cruising down the ghetto streets. Jamming to my dubstep beats.

Ra ra ra shit a dinosaur!

Shorty hand me my broadsword!

Oh shit he's eating you.

Oh fuck now he's gonna eat me too!

Yeah right! I'm a robot guy.

Shooting lasers out of my eyes.

Mr. Dinkleberry says to me...

Shut the fuck up!