There's Nothing Scary About Stairs
“Thank you again for helping me Princess,” said Twilight, trotting beside and slightly ahead of her mentor.
“Not at all Twilight, it is I who should be helping you; your research could change the course of Equestria, and I promised I would give you whatever help I could. Now, what exactly was it you needed me to do?”
“I’ve set up a relay of neutrino amplifiers and receivers for my experiment; I can manage the ritual by myself, but I’m not sure if I can keep it stabilized. I need you to cast a parity field around me and my magic to make sure I don’t lose control.” Celestia nodded and followed after Twilight.
The two came to a flight of about fifteen stairs; Twilight bounded up them without hesitation, and Celestia did what she’d always done. She waited until Twilight was about half-way up and then teleported to the top to wait for her.
When Twilight caught up, Celestia turned to keep walking, but Twilight didn’t budge; “Actually Celestia, this is it.” She indicated the crystal mirrors she had installed on the slanted roof of the staircase and silver runes she had carved into the top stairs. “Everything is ready, but because of the irregular positioning requirements the stairs were the best place to do this, but don’t worry, I’ve sectioned off this wing of the tower so no pony will get in the way. If you could just go down the stairs and generate the parity field, we can begin.” Celestia nodded and teleported back to the base of the stairs; “Actually I needed you halfway up the stairs.”
Celestia froze, while her ethereal mane gave a rapid flick before returning to its usually serene rhythm, “…on the stairs?”
“Yes please.”
Celestia swallowed, “…Which one?”
“Just start coming up, and I’ll tell you when to stop.”
Celestia hesitated, and then gave her wings several heavy flaps and landed precisely half way. Celestia’s legs went rigid when the touched the stone and her usually alabaster white coat seemed to be taking a subtle transformation to turn pale. “Is this OK?”
“Not quite perfect yet,” said Twilight slowly after a moment of calculation, “Could you come up two more steps please?”
Celestia blanched, and then looked down at the step in front of her knee. She swallowed and then, without moving her legs, teleported two steps up. “H-hhere?”
Twilight couldn’t believe that she had never noticed this before, how no one had noticed it. The castle was so full of steps, but in her entire life Twilight had never actually seen Celestia physically climb a staircase. Celestia had ruled Equestria for over a thousand years, defended Equestria for a thousand years! She’d fought Discord! Now she was virtually immobilized, except for her bottom lip which was vibrating uncontrollably. “Ummm… Celestia?”
“Yes, Twilight.”
“…Are you afraid of stairs?”
Celestia was starting to hyperventilate, her tail was tucked tightly between her legs, and she was sweating. “Why-would-I-be-afraid-of-stairs?”
“… I… don’t know.”
“Am-I-in-a-good-place-now?”
“…Yes; if you could just begin the parity field, I can run my experiment; it should only last about twenty minutes.”
“Oh at least Twilight;” said a voice below them, causing Celestia to buckle, “But with research this important, surely you will take the care to check your work, or even triple check it. Just remember sister that you must keep your horn steady to ensure accurate results; if you move and Twilight needs to re-start her experiment why, you two could be up there all afternoon.”
“Luna.” growled Celestia, teleporting back to the base of the stairs to face her sister, “What is the meaning of this!?”
“I could ask you the same thing.” smiled Luna, “Truly; I would have thought that after a thousand years, the ruler of Equestria would have overcome a fear of something as trivial as stairs. Surely this has to end.”
Celestia glared at Luna and then glanced up at Twilight; “Is there really an experiment?”
“I’m sorry!” gasped Twilight, “I know I should be working, but you were saying how worried you are about Luna not adjusting to the new Equestria and I thought she was joking; please don’t be angry!”
“I’m leaving.” Celestia brushed past Luna and began striding down the hall.
“That’s it?” sneered Luna, “You’re not even going to try to climb them?”
Celestia spun around, “Teleporting is faster.”
“And takes considerably more energy.”
“Flying is faster, and takes less energy! I’ve lived fifteen hundred years without using the least efficient way to ascend stairs; there is no reason for me to start now.”
“Except for the sake of your student;” Replied Luna, “How many times have you bid her push forwards in the face of adversity and face her fears? How many times has she succeeded? Is this how you repay her? Come, Twilight and I will walk it with you; one step at the time.”
Celestia ground her teeth together, Twilight cantered to the bottom of the steps, opposite to Luna, leaving Celestia room in the middle, and waited. Celestia heaved a heavy sigh and then, slowly walked between them. Twilight and Luna placed their hooves on the first step; Celestia raised her hoof, and then paused; unable to make contact.
“Come on Celestia,” whispered Twilight encouragingly, trying to mask her confusion, “There’s nothing scary about stairs.”
“Twilight and I will wait all night with you if we have to,” promised Luna, “But you will climb these stairs.”
They waited, but Celestia didn’t move. After a long moment, she put her hoof back down on the level pavement. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I can’t.”
Twilight couldn’t believe it; Celestia turned to leave, but Luna caught her by the base of the mane, “Perhaps all she needs is the proper motivation. Twilight, would you mind going to the top of the stairs, please.” Twilight did so, “Now pretend you are being skinned alive, and the only person who can save you is your beloved mentor.” She changed her tone to a theatrical crier, “Celestia! A terrible villain hath taken your magic and wings, and even now holds young Twilight in his torturous grasp! Rise up and protect her from what evil has befallen her!”
Luna looked to Twilight who took that as her cue to begin. “Ow!” She tried yelping as loudly as she could, “Ouch, ouch, ouch; the pain! Celestia, please help, ouch, me.”
Luna hopped to the top of the stairs and put her hoof over Twilight’s mouth, “Maybe you should walk with her, I’ll act.”
Twilight trotted down the stairs dejectedly; was her acting really that bad? She knew she wasn’t much of a drama student, but she’d been doing the best she - the air split open, and out of the shattered stillness came a blood curdling, bone-chilling scream of agony, as Luna collapsed onto the floor; wailing pleas for mercy mixed with a shrieking babble.
If Twilight had been coherent, she would have wondered if the sound barriers she’d placed over the hall would be enough, or if the entire palace guard would either be rushing to their aid, or else running for cover, but for the moment, all she could do was cower.
When the first wave of screaming passed, Twilight remembered her purpose and mounted the first step; then grabbed one of Celestia’s hooves and tried to force it onto the step, but the hoof was stone solid.
The wailing grew worse. Luna’s wings contorted in ways Twilight didn’t know were possible as she banged her head repeatedly against the wall; all the while, she kept her eyes fixed on some unseen menace that loomed over her until her screaming was cut off choking on her saliva, or blood.
Twilight looked away from Luna and to Celestia; there were tears welling in the corners of her eyes. “Come on,” hissed Twilight, unsure if she could be heard over Luna’s gagging, “Luna needs you.”
There was a ripping sound; Twilight thought that Luna must be tearing her own mane out for the sake of her act though, without seeing it, Twilight imagined flesh being ripped apart by dull blades. She spun back to Luna and saw her hoof dragging against the pavement making the noise.
Celestia teleported beside Luna and struck her with a muting spell. “Enough!”
Luna continued to flail silently for a moment, stood up and shook the shallow spell off of her, “Fine” she muttered, “Plan B then.” Luna put her hoof to her mouth and gave a sharp whistle. A door next to them swung open, barely providing enough room for an eight-storied, chocolate fudge cake being pushed on a dinner cart by Pinkie Pie.
“Hi Celestia, do you like cake; I know you like cake because everybody likes cake; even little Celestia.” Pinkie pulled out a small plastic figurine of Celestia, like the kind used on wedding cakes, and placed her on the bottom tier of the cake. “If you want some, all you have to do is make little Celestia climb the chocolate staircase,” Pinkie bounced the figurine up each tier of the cake, “Then you can have all the cake you want.”
“You’re trying to bribe me, with food!?”
“Ya-ha!” Smiled Pinkie, nodding enthusiastically. “It works on everybody!”
“I own the royal kitchens,” growled Celestia, “I can have cake whenever I want.”
“But not this cake” grinned Pinkie happily; “I baked it myself, and only I know what the secret ingredient is. If you want some, little Celestia is going to have to climb the chocolate staircase.”
Celestia didn’t move. “Come now sister” Implored Luna, “It is a child’s toy, and a mound of pastry enveloped in too much icing. Make it climb the steps; or, if you prefer, we could just stand here and discuss how this fear began.” Celestia gave a tense sigh, but grabbed the tiny Celestia doll in her hoof and placed it on the bottom step.
Second step.
Celestia paused and breathed deeply.
Third step.
Sweat began clinging to Celestia’s forehead as she made the toy take the fourth step.
“You’re halfway there” encouraged Twilight, “You can do this.”
As Celestia brought her effigy to the fifth step, her hoof was shaking like a leaf.
Celestia brought the toy to the sixth step and then stopped, unable to go on.
“Come on Celestia” quipped Pinkie after an impatient thirty seconds, “Just two more steps to go, don’t you want to know what the secret ingredient tastes like; I’m sure little Celestia would like to know.”
Celestia grit her teeth, and lifted the effigy, nicked its hoof against the seventh step before slamming it onto the cake’s pinnacle and pulling it away in the same instant; stepping back with a sigh of relief.
“Whoooops!” squealed Pinkie in disappointment, “It looks to me like Little Celestia flew over the seventh step instead of stepping on it. She broke the rules; now she has to start over.”
CRASH!
The cooking cart went skidding down the hallway on its side, letting sparks fly before banging into a closed door, denting it. The cake wasn’t as lucky. It was hurled at point-blank range against the wall by a wave of telekinetic plasma, making it burn as it shattered against the wall and then melt to liquid even before it hit the floor in a small puddle of boiling brown sludge.
By the time the gust of hot, sugary air had hit Twilight, nothing remained except a scattered brown pile of burnt icing and breadcrumbs. Celestia cast a near-hateful glance at Luna, teleported back to the bottom of the stairs, and walked away.
Author's Note
Sequel:
Celestia's Smartypants.
Not many ponies knew it, but Celestia had made every Smartypants doll in Equestria for almost a thousand years...
