I won't run anymore...

by MidnightFMare

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Crossover, Dark, Alternate Universe, Doctor Whooves, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Adventure
Length: 42897

Running, it's all he's ever done. Running from his problems, enemies, memories... this is where The Doctor makes his final stand... oddly enough, it isn't the fields of Trenzalor.

Running, it's all he's ever done.

Running from his problems, enemies, memories... this is where The Doctor makes his final stand...

Oddly enough, it isn't the fields of Trenzalor.

How The Doctor ended up in Equestria and found that he no longer needed to look for a peaceful paradise.

Because he's found it.

Published 2015-06-27 18:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-31 20:35:41 UTC

Starting from beyond the end.

I look up at the damaged circuits and grin "Well, I can see the problem. It's a very difficult problem though."

Ditzy cocks her head "So... can you fix it?"

I nod, lowering myself from the harness holding my aloft "Yes, but I don't have the parts. Do you know where can find a small light emitting diode?"

She shrugs "You could ask Vinyl, she has lots of parts lying around."

I grin "Would you mind showing me to her house? And don't say anything about the TARDIS, trust me, that never ends well."

She pauses "For you or for the others?"

"Yes."

"Okay, are all ponies so..." I ask, looking for the right word.

"Colorful? Yeah, and we're all unique!"

I shrug and something shines in my eye "What was that?"

"The giant crystal tree fortress of friendship." she replies, holding a hoof in the way of the light.

I rub my eye, spots dancing across it "Why is there a giant crystal tree fortress of friendship in the middle of... where did you say we were?"

"Ponyville, and I don't know why, I think it must have something to do with the princess and her friends. I don't know, I was working that week in Hoofston."

"Ah yes, the princess you spoke about earlier. The one that went to the moon."

She shakes her head "Different princess. After we meet with Vinyl would you like to meet her?"

"I've found making friends with royalty to be important when in unfamiliar territory."

She grins and nods towards a half electric blue and half purple house with music coming from the walls

"Mozart's thirty-fifth symphony, fourth movement on cello?" I ask as Ditzy pushes through the door.

Ditzy shrugs "I don't know music. I can play the kazoo, tambourines, drums, bongos, didgeridoo, harmonica, and theremin though."

"I... how can you play those without fingers?"

"I don't know. I just can I guess." she replies, looking around the house's interior.

I follow her, trying to ignore the headache forming I'm constantly being confused by everything. I suppose this is what's it's like to be my companion sometimes...

A white unicorn with an electric blue mane and violet shades walks out of a similarly coloured half of the house, bobbing her head to music coming from her head phones. Ditzy walks up to her and waves a hoof in front of the mare's shades "Vinyl? I need something from you!"

The mare pauses, staring at Ditzy in silence as of trying to comprehend what she said. She removes her headset and rolls one of her forehooves in a circular motion.

"We need a Light emitting diamond." Ditzy says, the mare's eyebrow rising in response.

"Diode. Light emitting diode." I correct, rolling my eyes at the thought of a glowing diamond.

She turns to me, waves silently and nods at Ditzy, re-entering the room she was in and then walking back out with a small blue diode in her hoof.

Ditzy smiles and takes the diode "Thanks so much Vinyl! You're the best!"

Vinyl shrugs, grinning at the compliment before putting the headset back on and bobbing her head once more.

Ditzy passes me the diode and I nod my thanks to the mare as well "That was relatively painless. Now, shall we get back to the-"

A door on the opposite side of the house opens, the sounds of hooves on wood coming closer "Vinyl? Who's visiting?"

"I know that voice, I heard it on the radio yesterday." I gasp.

"Come on ponies it's all we got, we know it in our heart for sure. Like a song that's been playing all our lives. We know it's right, we heard it on the radio!" Ditzy sings, and I groan "Okay, how do you even know that song?"

"I heard it on the radio." she replies seriously.

I stare at her "... Touché"

A grey pony walks out from a room on the other side, her solid black mane and tail groomed straight, a light pink bowtie around her neck "Oh, hello Ditzy, how are you this fine day?"

Ditzy grins "Good morning Octavia!"

I gasp "An English pony! Tell me, who's the current prime minister?"

She blinks "I... I don't... what?"

Vinyl walks over to us, her head cocked and starts waving her hooves in the air.

Octavia and Ditzy nod "Why did she do that?"

"Vinyl is synesthetic. As a result, she is mute and cannot talk without the words coming out intelligible and so she has a sign language of her own. She said 'We have a diarchal system, not a parliamentary one. The closest would be Princess Twilight.'"

I nod "Okay then... been a while since I met someone with that condition. Allow me to introduce myself, I am The Doctor."

Vinyl gesticulates "'Doctor who?' And of what?"

"Just The Doctor and of... stuff. I'm a doctor of stuff."

Octavia cocks her head "O... kay? I'm going to go meet up with my ensemble. I'll be back in a few hours so no parties, Vinyl. I mean it."

Vinyl shoos her away, grinning.

I shrug and nod to the door "Well thank you so much for the part Vinyl. I'm afraid I'll have to be going though."

Ditzy nods, smiling "We're going to outer-mmph!"

Vinyl covers her mouth with a foreleg and shakes her head.

Ditzy blushes and walks to the door and I nod to Vinyl, following her out.

"She's an interesting individual."

Ditzy nods "Yeah, she's a good friend. And I'm sorry I almost blurted out what the piece was for."

I shake my hoof (I think that's still universal) "Nonsense, if you had said something I would have covered... so! thanks for helping me Ditzy, but I must get back to the TARDIS."

She cocks her head, following me "I thought I was helping."

I nod "You were, but now that I have the last component I need, I'm afraid I don't need any more help."

She frowns for a second but a smile overcomes it "Okay, I'll... go home I guess. Thank you Doctor."

I pause "For what?"

"Telling me that Aliens exist. I'd always wanted to believe... and now I can. So thank you so much Doctor."

I grin "You're welcome, Thank you for helping me."

We part ways, and for some reason, I feel like I'd forgotten something important.

I solder the diode in and walk up to the console, throwing the last electrical switch. The TARDIS illuminates, humming like a kitten "Welcome back old girl!"

The screen lights up and a message forms on it "'What happened to the grey Pegasus?' She went home. So! how about we see if we can't find out where we are?"

I start typing in co-ordinates in and we take off, the screen showing a display of the planet "Almost looks like Earth... almost."

After passing through the atmosphere, I open the doors and what I see defies explanation. "H-how? This makes no sense!"

As far as I can see is a yellow sun, a moon like Earth's, and the planet...

And nothing else.

Complete blackness.

The TARDIS beeps and I jump, scrambling back "What? What's- no... no no no no no... that can't be right. It just cant..."

Time: End of Time +1004 years.

Co-ordinates: Sector 0000000 by 0000000

I feel my hearts drop into the pit of my stomach, fear holding me paralyzed, staring at the screen in terror.

I'm not proud to admit it, but I fainted.

Sometime later, I awake, the screen blank, the entirety of the TARDIS is silent.

"I... I can't get... back to Earth or even Gallifrey... because they're gone... and now I truly am the last Timelord... heh... heheheh... hahahehahahahehehe!! Alone! Truly the last! And with me... with me... hahahahhehehehehahahaha!!" I laugh madly, clutching my sides in agony "No more Timelords! No more Cybermen! No more Daleks!! I can finally explore the universe and all of time..." I pause, dread replacing my mad joy.

"N... no more universe... or time... oh... I... so this is my punishment... not another death or imprisonment, but loneliness... to live out my last regeneration at the end of time..."

"You lose Doctor!! The Master wins!!!"

His words echo through the silence, the only sound in my head the beating of my hearts

"Now... now I know why he went mad... he heard nothing but this... and silence. The sound of drums and silence... to be alone in his madness created by the very council we looked to for guidance... oh the irony..."

"Thank you Doctor."

"For what?"

"Telling me that Aliens exist. I'd always wanted to believe... and now I can. So thank you so much Doctor."

For some reason, her words overcome the silence and heartbeats, filling we with hope "... No, I'm not going back, there's nothing left to explore, nothing left to experience, nothing..."

The TARDIS roars to life, the doors slamming shut "What?! Stop that! There's nothing! Just stop and let me live out in silence!!"

The monitor sparks to life and what's on there is a video, of me saying one word throughout my regenerations.

NO.

I recoil "I can't go back... there's nothing..."

Another video pops up on the screen, one unfamiliar to me.

"Carrot Top! I'm home!" Ditzy announces.

"Welcome home Derpy. How'd it go with that stallion you were talking about?" A yellow, orange-maned mare asks, covered in soil, obviously this Carrot Top she was talking about.

Ditzy pauses "It... he left."

Carrot hugged Ditzy, patting the back of her head "Don't worry, there will be other stallions. If he left, he was never worth the time getting to know."

Ditzy's eyes start to water "There won't be another him... that did what he did. He... obviously had other plans... but he proved something to me, a thing I always knew but... he made it so real, he didn't judge me by how I act or talk or look. He... he was unreal. Like if you touched him, the illusion would fade... and pained eyes..."

Carrot sighs "Like I said, if he left, he wasn't worth it, how about I get you some of those cakes from Sugarcube corner you like so much? I'm sure that he was a jerk."

She leaves, and Ditzy walks up a flight of stairs to a room, and what was in there stunned me.

Star maps, some laminated and others covered in tiny writing and sketches of celestial bodies. in the center is a very large, rusted but obviously meticulously kept telescope which she smiles at weakly "I did it... I finally found one... and I was too afraid to get close... I'm such a coward, running from my problems, looking to the stars to escape... pathetic."

She sniffs and lays on the star-themed blanket on a small, saucer shaped bed. And starts to cry "Derpy you coward! Your wish came true and you... you blew it! You blew it like everything else in life! I'm no explorer wanna-be, I'm... I'm just a foal who... wanted to run away... Scared of being alone... I'm such... such a fool..."

The screen goes blank, and something wet lands on my hoof "Wha-"

Another falls, streaking my fur.

"Am... am I crying?" I choke out, tears rolling down my cheeks.

The TARDIS beeps and I look up at the screen "Th-thank you... take me to her, there's a child crying... and she needs a Doctor..."

I peek out of the TARDIS doors and watch as a concerned looking Carrot Top walks away from the house Perfect.

After casually walking to the house, I check to see if it's locked, oddly enough, it wasn't "Huh, the shop she's going to must be close by..."

I tiptoe (Tiphoof?) into the house and head up the stairs It's not breaking and entering if I haven't broken anything and the door was locked... I hope.

Muffled weeping emanates from one of the doors and I take a calming breath before slipping into the room silently.

Laying on the bed is Ditzy, her face buried in a pillow "Stupid stupid stupid..."

I walk towards her, and put on my best grin "Did someone call for a Doctor? I'm here for a house call you know."

She stiffens and raises her head, eyes wide as saucers "D-Doctor?"

"Yup, so! What seems to be the trouble? A Venusian mind worm in your head? You keep hearing static every time you go outside? Green little animals are telling you to go and defeat some underworld tyrant? Trust me, I've seen it all."

She stares at me before sniffling again "You-you're back! Oh th-thank you Doctor!"

"Hey, hey, no need to cry, I'm here now." I say, trying to soothe her.

She coughs and smiles weakly at me "I... I thought you were going home?"

I shake my head "Nah, I'm not too well liked there. So I thought I'd spend some time with my new friend."

She stares at me "Fr-friend?"

I nod "Of course, you helped me so that means I owe you. And what better way than to be your friend?"

She squeals and hugs me tight, constricting me "D-Ditzy... I can't breathe..."

She releases me, blushing "Sorry Doctor."

"I bought lemon cake because I know how much you like it and- AH!"

Carrot Top stands in the doorway, nearly dropping the box off her back.

I stand up and extend my hoof "Hello, I'm-" "Time Turner!" Ditzy shouts.

I turn to her, mouthing the name and Carrot Top smiles, shaking my hoof "Carrot Top, I'm Derpy's housemate. Nice to meet you Time Turner."

"Uh, I as well..." I reply, confused by Ditzy's outburst.

She smiles and turns to walk back down the steps "I'm putting the cake in the refrigerator."

Derpy smiles weakly at me "I'm sorry Doctor, but 'The Doctor' Isn't really a pony name. More like a... title?"

I nod "Yeah... uh, why 'Time Turner' though?"

"You're cutie mark! It's an hourglass and I used to call them 'Time Turners' because you had to turn them over to restart time."

I shrug "Seems logical... wait, what's a cutie mark?"

She points to my rear "The ones on your plot."

My wha- How long have those been there?! When did I get tattooed?! What the-"

She puts a hoof on my lips "It's a symbol of what a ponies' true calling, or what makes them unique. My cutie mark is bubbles!"

She turns and points to seven bubbles on the sides of her hind legs, placed like the hourglasses on mine. "See? It shows that I have a bubbly personality."

Considering you were weeping less than half an hour ago, I'd say it might mean something else... I think to myself, but I ignore it "So I guess mine would mean that I'm... good with time? I suppose I can see that..."

She grins and pushes past me "See? Now let's go to your ship and see the universe!!"

I grab her shoulder "Ditzy... I was just..." I sigh, steeling my nerves "There is no universe... excluding the sun and moon, there's... nothing else in the universe. No stars or planets and... it's more than a millennium after the collapse of the last star. I'm not sure how to say this... the universe is gone."

She stares at me in disbelief, her voice cracking "G-gone...? H-how c- can it be... gone?"

I shake my head "I don't know, but we're somehow beyond the end of time. nothing but pure black everywhere... I saw it with my own eyes... I'm so, so sorry."

She shakes her head, trying force back her welling tears "Show me... please..."

I sigh "Are you sure? Are you truly sure?"

She nods "I need to know."

We enter the TARDIS and she smiles weakly again "The lights are back on..."

I nod and start piloting the TARDIS outside the atmosphere "Look for yourself..."

She opens the door and gasps "Oh wow..."

I sigh "Yes... it's so dark... no light, no life, no... anything."

"Dark? Doctor, there are countless stars! I... it's the most breathtaking thing I've ever seen..."

I jerk my head up and walk up next to her "What are you talking abou- whoa... it-it's back... the universe is back!"

Glittering around us, uncountable stars glitter with life.

And two golden binary stars looking so close and- Wait, those are Ditzy's eyes... wait, why is she so clo-

Whatever question I was going to ask was cut of by a warm dryness on my lips.

She leans back in surprise, hooves covering her cheeks "I-I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me!"

"Th-that's okay... I'm sure it was just excitement from the stars... speaking of which..." I return to the console "Why are there stars again? Did something happen?"

Symbols fly across the monitor in response "'Something'? What do you mean, 'Something'? You don't know? You're at every point in space and time!"

A message appears in my head "'Another TARDIS?' but who could... why would... is it you?!"

I get an affirmative answer, and I groan "So at some point in my future, I will blot out all space? That seems a bit much even for me..."

Ditzy gallops over, grinning "Doctor! Can we go to Cassiopeia?!"

I turn to her "Huh? Sure, I just need to finish talking to-" the TARDIS speaks, with an ancient and young voice

Have fun, for it is not yet the time. You will know when it is. Enjoy your new life my little space man.

The doors close, switches flip, levers move, and thingamajigs jiggle, the familiar whooshing of travel filling my stunned silence "Did... did you hear that too?"

Ditzy blinks "The whooshing or the voice?"

I rub my head "I don't think this universe is good for my health..."

Author's Note

Another installation! I am not afraid to admit that I cried writing this chapter.

Next time, on Doctor Whooves:

"Doctor, why are you looking sick?"

"Pears my dear Ditzy, pears... disgusting fruit..."

The Pears of Nerim

Entering the "Normal" life

Last time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run any more...

The TARDIS lands in an empty warehouse and Ditzy gallops out, bags in tow "Where are we?"

"Ponyville. About ten minutes after you left. Oh? Didn't I mention the old girl is a time machine too?"

She stares up at the TARDIS and grins "This is the best day of my entire life! A time and space machine! That's so cool!!"

I nod "That she is... so! I'll be seeing you hopefully..."

She cocks her head "What do you mean? Where are you going?"

I pause Where am I going?

She grins weakly "Oh... I understand... you have other responsibilities..." she shakes her head and smiles from ear to ear "Thank you Doct-" I put a hoof on her mouth "No, I'm staying. I have no where I need to be... except right here, right now. Ditzy, I haven't had a companion like you in a long time... and I'm tired of running away from goodbyes. Never say goodbye my dear Mailmare. You still need a Doctor to do his duty. 'Heal the sick, combat problems, and teach others' That's what you said yes?"

She nods, grinning wide "Right! Now I really want to wash all this goop off my coat... I smell bad..."

I chuckle "So do I... to your house?"

She beams and takes off "Yup! Allons-y!"

I pause and follow her "Hey! That's my thing!"

Galloping after Ditzy, I weave through a sizable crowd and close the distance with ease "Ditzy! Slow down!"

She turns and salutes, landing "We're here!"

I pant, wiping sweat from my face "Oh? Good... I could use a break."

She cocks her head at me "You don't like running?"

Running is all I've done... I think to myself and walk towards the door to knock when Ditzy just pushes it open with her head, leaving a smudge of goo on it "Eww..."

I follow, trying in vain to not track in goo.

Carrot Top walks out of what I assume is a kitchen and gasps "What the hay happened to you two?!" Carrot Top yells.

Ditzy smiles weakly "Would you believe, that we fought aliens on another world and this is what got on us?"

I facehoof in response.

Carrot gives her a flat look and stares at the bags Ditzy was holding "What are those?"

"Souvenirs! Ditzy chirps, setting them onto the floor "I'm going to go wash the goop off... Time Turner, is there any biological hazard to washing this stuff off?"

I shake my head "Not really, just sprinkle some baking soda on the tub and down the drain and that should work nicely."

She trots up the steps, leaving me alone with her friend "..."

"..."

"So..." I start, losing my train of thought.

"So what really happened?" she asks, walking into the kitchen.

"Uh... as we were walking past my house, a sewage cart dumped some on us and she thought it'd be funny to tell you that it was alien goo." I say immediately.

She shrugs "'Kay... I don't believe you either but whatever. So, are you staying for dinner?"

I nod "Yes, dinner sounds wonderful."

She grins "Good, because Ditzy would drag you back in if you left. She tends to stick to ponies she likes. And what from how she made a complete reverse of emotion earlier was impressive."

I grin "Oh it wasn't too hard, she needed someone to believe in her ideas and I just happen to be interested in the cosmos as well."

Carrot sighs "She was odd as a filly. Always looking up at night, talking to the stars, drawing charts and schematics for spaceships. Her parents thought that she'd grow out of it but she hasn't. I'm... kind of glad she didn't. She has the most powerful mind I've ever seen and has published too many papers to count. She's a genius, but she doesn't know it. She has no idea how brilliant she is."

I stare at her "How can that be? Shouldn't be obvious to her?"

Carrot shrugged "She's oblivious to it I suppose. She even denies it when somepony says she is. It's as if she doesn't believe her own intelligence."

How can you not believe your own in intelligence? It's obvious once you talk to her that she's brilliant. But why would she deny it? Is she afraid of being considered intelligent? But what would deter her from admitting she's smart?

She trots down the stairs, her mane shining like a river of topaz feeding into a pool of gold- WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING?!

She cocks her head "Shower's free."

I cough into my hoof "Thank you Ditzy, I shouldn't be to long."

I turned the faucet to a warm temperature and sigh I suppose... I might as well see how... it feels to be "Normal". I know that Ditzy won't tell anyone who I am, but I can't help feeling like I've lost something. The thrill of adventure? What is missing?

Walking into the shower, I ponder while ooze falls off my coat "Hands? Feet? Thumbs! I lost thumbs! I wish I still had thumbs, how am I supposed to hold things without thumbs?"

I look around the inside of the shower and grab a pinkish-purple bottle and pour some onto my mane and tail "I'm guessing that it doesn't matter how I smell."

I rub it in and start rinsing when I realize something "How am I still standing if I'm using my forehoo- urf!" I land on my muzzle and groan "Urgh... curse you quadrupedal body..."

Someone knocks on the door "Is everything okay in there?"

"Yes! I just forgot I need three legs to stand!" I reply and groan "I meant I lost my balance washing my mane!"

There's a pause and I resume to wash my hair, figuring that whoever it was had left.

I was wrong.

"Do you need help getting your tail Doctor?" Ditzy asks, moving the shower curtain.

"Eeyah! Ditzy! Don't you know it's wrong to watch somebody shower?!" I shriek at her (In a manly way), covering myself with my tail.

She blinks "Uh, why should it matter if I see you showering? We're naked most of the time anyway."

I roll my eyes "Be that as it may, where I come from that's something you don't do, especially if you're the opposite gender!"

She shrugs "Sorry, I didn't know. So... you don't need any help?"

I shake my head "I'm fine, I can reach it."

She pauses and turns away, leaving the bathroom.

I sit still, waiting for someone else to jump me, but no one comes "Well, that scared a few years off my life..."

I stare at the steps dubiously "I... how do you climb down stairs?" I stare at the banister and equations and estimates fire in my brain and I grin "I've always wanted to do this, never had a banister in the TARDIS..." I grab the banister and slide down it "Wooooo!!!!"

I fly through the air, landing with a flourish on the floor "That was cool!"

Carrot, whom I barely crashed into, stares at me "What the hay?!"

I shrug "I wanted to do something fun."

Ditzy walks out from behind her "Uh... sliding down banisters isn't safe."

I nod "I'm aware. I did it because it's fun."

Carrot rubs her head "Ugh... you remind me of Lyra."

"Ah, I remember Ditzy mentioned someone by that name earlier. Why is she so... memorable?"

Ditzy smiles "Well, you'll see for yourself! She and Bonbon should be over soon."

As if on cue, the door opens and a teal unicorn enters, followed by a cream mare "Ditzy! How's the world's best astronomer doing?"

Ditzy walks over and hugs her "Good. I made a friend today, somepony who believes me!"

The mare, whom I assume is Lyra, walks over to me and looks me over "... Huh, I don't think we've met."

I smile and extend my hoof "I'm Time Turner."

She shakes my hoof and walks past, the earth pony behind her, Bonbon, walks up to me and smiles "Hello, I'm Bonbon, nice to meet you Time Turner."

I return her grin and she walks past me "What nice peop- I mean, ponies. Well, that was nice compared to how I usually meet others."

THIS IS THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I'VE EVER TASTED!! I yell internally, draining the bowl of soup.

I set the bowl down and everyone stares at me in surprise "Eheh... I hadn't known how hungry I was..."

Carrot smiles wide "It's nice to know that somepony likes simple vegetable stew. I'll go get you some more Time Turner."

I nod graciously and smile "Who knew that simple is best?"

Lyra shrugs "Iono. Anyways, where you from? South Canterlot?"

I start to say the truth when Ditzy waves her hoof at me and mouths something "Trottingham."

"Really? Huh, so is that where they have that super-collider?"

I shake my head "No, you're thinking of Scoltland."

She grins "I know you're lying."

I cock my head and Bonbon glares at Lyra "What are you talking about?"

"Simple, you say that you had no idea, except according to census, stew and soup stock are quite commonly found within the pantries of most Trottingham homes. So either you are not part of the majority, an unlikely chance, or you are lying."

I smile "Well, I'm not lying."

Lyra chuckles "No, you are. I can hear your heartbeats because of the bug I put on you when I walked past you."

Bonbon levels an angry glare at Lyra "Lyra, why in Celestia's name would you do that for?"

Lyra shrugs "I had a hunch. Nobody can get into Ponyville without Pinkie Pie being alerted and having a party planned. And I have eidetic memory. I'd know if he'd been in Ponyville before. So he had to've entered through non-magical ways, while also not actually crossing any part of Ponyville's borders and the alert field I set up to monitor the magical flow in town. So... he had to have done something quite clever. So I bugged his chest and I've been scanning his physiology since he sat down. Two hearts? My, you must come from a very oxygen rich environment, or you're blood's ability to transfer oxygen to your organs must be very poor. And... the hormones coming off you... golden in color but biological in nature."

She grins at me, leaning on her elbow, chin in her hoof "You're one of the ancient beings known as Timelords, aren't you?" she gives me a half-lidded stare "You can tell me, nobody believes what I say anyways."

I steady my heartbeats and lower one to near inactivity "I assure you I am completely equine."

Carrot returns a bowl of stew on her back "Sorry that took so long, I had to reheat it, I usually make too much."

"Thank you so much, Carrot Top."

Bonbon mouths an apology and I shrug, knocking the probe off my chest.

I wave farewell to the two and turn to Ditzy and Carrot "Thanks so much for dinner. I hope I wasn't putting you out."

"Not at all! It's nice to know that Ditzy's found somepony who enjoys space as much as her."

Ditzy grins "Yeah! Thanks! Want to hang out again tomorrow?"

I nod "What else would I be doing?"

I walk away towards the warehouse when a near silent noise makes me sigh "Lyra Heartstrings, please don't follow me. I'm just a weary soul trying to enjoy taking life at a leisurely pace."

"I'm not Lyra, Doctor. How goes traveling all of space and time?"

I freeze, the voice giving me pause "That can't be... no... I haven't heard that voice in a long time..."

Turning slowly, I see a light blue unicorn with dark blue and white hair, an hourglass cutie mark on her flank. But what gives me pause is the glowing gold aura around her "Hello Grandfather."

"S-S-Susan?" I stutter out.

She nods, her face as neutral "Glad to know that I'm memorable. Of course, the only other Timelord to escape from the time war and your own granddaughter would be memorable in your chaotic mind."

I rub my eyes "H-what are you talking about? I'm the last! I made it so that nothing could leave! Including the Dalek armadas!"

She smiles icily at me "Oh? Then how am I standing here, talking to you? Did you know... that this is my 3rd regeneration? I was trying to stop you from sealing Gallifrey when Rassilon shot me in the back with one of those Earth guns. I barely remember what happened between the moment I hit the floor, Lindos flooding my system when I felt you grabbing me by the arm, wearing an abhorrent... bowtie I believe they're called and a stupid Stetson. You said that you we're going to die and wanted to do right by me. I couldn't have cared less, I hadn't seen you in two centuries, but I still took your hand."

She pauses, staring at her hoof "And then I woke up as a foal in Canterlot, a file of a fake identity to my right, a sonic probe to my left. I had to live life as a bubbly little unicorn, always smiling to try to pass as a normal pony. But underneath I was scared... I hated you at first, I wanted to hunt you down and make you explain why you did it. But..." she sets the hoof down, her blue eyes boring into my mind "I learned that you wanted to give me a new life, one far away from the cynical world of the sciences and the dangers of war. I studied the magic of this world and found out quite a bit. I even knew when you were going to appear, where you were going, and the fact that..." she steps closer to me, her horn glowing "That you were on your last regeneration."

I step back but my hooves are held by her magic "Let me go Sus-"

"Minuette."

"What?"

"My name is Minuette now." she says, releasing me "I don't hold a grudge Grandfather. I just wanted to say 'Hello' and give you a warning you told me to give you; 'Beware the lonely hearts, and never run from your future.' Good bye... Grandfather, I sincerely hope we never see each other again." she walks away, leaving me speechless.

I close and lock the TARDIS's door and exhale, my hearts beating fast "Too close... both times..."

Sighing, I walk towards my bed and when I hit the mattress, I'm out like a light.

I step out of the TARDIS, about to lock it when someone taps my shoulder.

"Good morning Doctor."

I shiver and turn and stare into Lyra Heartstring's smug eyes "What did you call me?"

"The Doctor. The oncoming storm, the last of the Timelords, the man in the blue box, the impossible man. I know of some stories about you... or the ones I could get from Minuette when I convinced her to get drunk. So..." her face turns stern "Why are you here in Equestria? You've brought nothing but death and destruction in your travels. If it comes to it, I'll kill you myself if I see even one Cybermat, Alien seed, or anything that has to do with you. Equestria is a peaceful nation, and I won't have that ruined because some half-baked deserter."

I glare at her "You think I like the destruction that follows me?!"

She shakes her head "No, I blame your past actions making nearly half the universe hate or fear you. I can't speak for what hasn't happened yet, but I know some things you had not done yet."

I blink "'Had not yet done'?"

She groans "I need to come up with words that work for multiple tenses. You, at this moment, haven't done the things yet, but your future self will have done those things in my personal past. Seriously, we need non-linear tenses, because saying it all out loud is giving me a migraine..."

I nod and cock my head "So... how did we first meet?"

Lyra sighs "I can't tell you, I know that paradox's aren't real, but I don't want to tempt the universe, you know how it is, I assume?"

"All too well, so... any advice on how to avoid the spectacular failures that made you threaten my life?"

She takes a deep breath "Yeah, you told me to tell you 'Avoid the grey morn.' and 'Keep your ear from the tracks, and keep it to the tunnels instead.' You'd been coming to tell me these things to tell you before you said them... AUGH! My aching head!!" She clutches her head in pain "I hate having to talk like that.. how do you handle it?"

"I... generally avoid those types of conversations, takes too much time to formulate." I reply and walk past her "Anything else?"

She nods "Yeah, try to avoid Twilight Sparkle, she'll try to dissect you and your mind, then disassemble the TARDIS. I can see it and you gave me a key." she reaches into her mane and on an ear hoop with a clasp is a key "I keep it there so I can hear the TARDIS coming and going."

I shrug and walk out of the warehouse "So... who owns this warehouse?"

Lyra smiles "You will. Well, you've already bought it in the linear past."

I gasp and she pulls out a folded piece of paper "You will give this to me this morning. Okay, until we talk linear again, I'm not talking... hurts so much..."

I laugh and she shoots me a glare "Shut up Mr. Oncoming Storm."

Behind the gate of Tartarus, a shambling swarm of ichor stained creatures limp over the prone body of Cerberus, a smoldering burn in the shape of a star on each of its heads.

"S...sho... cold..." the lead one coughs out, clawing at the gate.

The gate beneath Ponyville.

Author's Note

Next time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run anymore...

"Doctor... we have a problem!" Lyra yells, her mane stained with black ooze.

"I'll say! I've been trying to best Ditzy at chess and I keep losing!" I look up and cock my head "Why on Earth is your mane covered in goo?"

She groans "Monsters. From Taratrus... come on!"

The Shambling Plague

The Shambling Plague

Last time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run any more...

Behind the gate of Tartarus, a shambling swarm of ichor stained creatures limp over the prone body of Cerberus, a smoldering burn in the shape of a star on each of its heads.

"S...sho... cold..." the lead one coughs out, clawing at the gate.

The gate beneath Ponyville.

Lyra gallops away and I sigh "So much for anonymity. Ah well, life goes on... now which way was Ditzy's...?"

Shrugging, I wander in a random direction, taking in the sights and smells of Ponyville "Thatched houses, cottages, stores... small town in a nutshell. I wonder what constitutes fun around here?"

The sound of classical music wafts from within a store, and I find myself within "Ah, the violin and double bass. Interesting contrast..."

A small filly taps my foreleg "Hm? Yes?"

The filly stares up at me with amber eyes and apple-red mane and tail "Are you Time Turner?"

"Yes, how can I help you?" I respond, a bit confused by the southern "Twang" to her voice.

She reaches into a bag I hadn't seen and pulls out a clock "Could'ya fix this please?"

I shrug "Probably. I just don't have any tools with me..."

She shrugs and pulls out a small pouch "Ten bits right?"

I nod dumbly, picking up the clock and the pouch and turn to leave "Bits"? I suppose that might be the currency here... odd, considering their horses- er... ponies and bits are what go in the mouth to stop... or is that a gag? Gah, I'll ask Ditzy later.

"Uh, where can ah pick it up?" the filly asks and I pause "Erm... Ditzy Doo's house most likely or I'll bring it to you-"

"No! Ah mean, ah know where that is, thanks Mr. Turner." she scrambles out of the shop in a hurry.

"Odd. Very odd. Ah well, I suppose I can fix a simple clock." I mutter to myself, walking in another direction.

"... Now I remember why I usually stay in the TARDIS, I have no sense of direction..." I mutter, having found the same fountain thirteen times, all from different angles "This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to-"

A small lizard passes me, a backpack full of what looks to be scrolls "Excuse me, young reptile?"

He turns "Uh... I'm a dragon."

I blink and scratch my head "Huh, a very small one, most dragons I've met, well, I suppose Silurians don't count and Draconioans don't exactly count either... but the others maybe. Except those half-human ones." I banish the thoughts from my head and clear my throat "Could you direct me to Ditzy Doo's house?"

He stares at me and then shrugs "Yeah, go down Maple drive and it's the third house to the left."

"Thank you."

"Uh, Maple's the other way."

I turn "Riiiight..."

He sighs and walks away, muttering to himself.

I knock on the door and Carrot opens it with a smile "Hello Time Turner, how's your day been?"

"Interesting. Very interesting..." I mutter under my breath.

"Come on in, Derpy's been up in her room doing some kind of star-triangulation thing."

Wonder what she's trying to locate... ah well, one problem at a time. "Sounds engaging, but I was wondering if I may borrow your table for a while, I'm going to fix this clock for a young filly I met. She seemed to know me..."

Carrot shrugs and motions to the large table "Help yourself, just don't get gears all over the place, I'm still finding bits of them after Derpy's attempt at 'Clockwork life'."

"Huh, she's tried that?"

She shivers "Yes, and it worked for a few seconds before something snapped and it exploded. She said something about a weak engine and put what was left in a box and took it somewhere."

I laugh "Yes, that tends to happen with science."

She rolls her eyes and walks towards the door "I have to go do some errands so keep an eye on the place, okay Time Turner?"

"Yes ma'am!" I say, saluting.

She chuckles and leaves, closing the door silently.

"Now then... onto fixing this clock. Should be fun."

"... The gears are rotted apple wood. Who on Earth makes gears out of wood? Tin, copper, even aluminum, but why wood?! Ugh, I might as well just get some glue and call it a day. Ugh, you use metal, not wood..."

"Well, unless they lack the metal and have an abundance of wood. Or for the resonance." Ditzy supplies, sitting next to me.

I sigh "Yes, but if a piece breaks, you'd need to carve a new one and considering how wood expands and contracts, it was bound to warp and then rot. Gah, I'm going to have to give that filly her money back..."

Ditzy claps her hooves "How about you-"

"Time travel doesn't work that way." I say, already knowing her suggestion.

She furrows her brow at me "I was going to say you could tell her that and ask if she would want the gears and cogs replaced with metal. Why would you think I'd suggest time travel?"

"Well- I... most people I've known always jump to using time travel to solve things." I stutter out, blushing.

She shrugs "I don't think it would work here. So how did you get into this predicament anyway?"

"I was... actually, she just came up to me asked me if I was me, paid me, and left. It was peculiar seeing as how as far as I know, I'm new to Ponyville... unless she knew me from my future, her past. But she needed confirmation of my identity... hmm..."

"Hm, maybe you left a note of message to her in your future that told her where you were going to be and that's why. Or she maybe had no direct, personal contact with you and somepony else told her to take the clock to you."

"That's a very logical theory, but-"

Someone knocks on the door "Mr. Turner? Ah'm here!"

Ditzy walks over to the door "Apple Bloom? That's your clock?"

Apple Bloom Seriously, how do they come up with these names? It's getting ridiculous! walks into the house and gallops over to me "Sorry 'bout forgettin' to bring ya these."

She reaches into her saddlebags and pulls out a metal case "These were the pieces ya wanted right?"

I take the box and open it and inside were several brass gears and cogs "How did..."

"Well, ah wanted to catch 'ya early so ah left th' box at home." Apple Bloom replies, shuffling her hooves.

I swallow my next question and nod to her "Thank you Apple Bloom. I should be able to complete this soon."

She smiles and turns to leave, nodding to Ditzy on the way out.

Ditzy comes over and stares at the box "Uh... okay, I have no idea what the flaming hay is going on."

I nod and pick a rotten gear from the clock's innards "I'm not going to look a gift horse- uhhh..." I blush "Wh-what I meant was-"

Ditzy laughs "No offense taken Doctor. Though the appropriate equivalent is 'Gift monkey in the mouth'."

I roll my eyes "Monkey, yes, how clever..."

The sound of snapping wood splits the serene silence of nature in the outskirts of Ponyville, a multitude of slime-covered hooves and heads leak through a broken door that had materialized from nothing a moment before.

"Sun... Sunlight!!" one yells in its boggy groan, followed by a chorus of others.

Slowly, the mass of hooves, heads, and ichor leak from the remains of the door.

A door to Tartarus has been opened.

"Mate in one." Ditzy says and I scoff "Unlikely."

The repaired clock ticks in the background, and I move my knight to capture her last rook.

She grins "Mate." and moves her pawn forward, exchanging it for her rook.

"Whu- how did... Why do I keep losing? I've won every chess game before this for the past six hundred and twenty-three years!" I sputter out indignantly.

She shrugs "Again?"

"No... I need to sulk. I'm good at sulking."

The door slams open and both of us turn to see Lyra Heartstrings panting, her mane stained with black ooze. "Doctor... we have a problem!"

"I'll say! I've been trying to best Ditzy at chess and I keep losing!" I cock my head "Why on Earth is your mane covered in goo?"

She groans "Monsters. From Taratrus... come on!"

"So what happened?" I ask, galloping next to her.

"Apparently something from inside Tartarus broke one of the gates and whatever it is, it isn't stopping. I tried knocking them back with my magic but they just shrugged it off and one of them leapt and covered me with this tar-stuff. They're slow but I haven't the slightest clue as to what they might be."

I pull my sonic from my pocket and scan the tar "Well, it isn't entirely tar, it's a tar-like mucous of sorts, like the slime on slugs, except very thick and sticky."

Lyra rolls her eyes "So all I need to do is dump a ton of salt on them? Thanks a lot Turner."

"Hmm... We can't risk letting them run amok but we also don't know how to stop them or get them back through the gate. What do we know so far? They have a tar-mucous on their bodies, which makes them inherently slow and cold, so they must be endothermic in structure, right?"

I nod "A sound assumption."

"Tar, while sticky, is still a flammable, but the mucous-esque properties would make it very hard to ignite and even then, it would be a slow burning fire, as demonstrated by Lyra's magical blasts not working on them."

I nod "So what does that leave us with?"

"Freezing them, they probably slow down or stop when the ambient temperature drops too low and the tar coagulates and hardens." Ditzy says, grinning in triumph "All we need are some snow clouds or some unicorns who can cast ice magic."

"... And are there any in town?" I ask, slowing down.

"Unfortunately, most unicorns don't advance their magic past the minimum here in Ponyville. I'm a musician so I can only really do sound and light magic, I was never too talented at elemental magiks outside wind or earth." Lyra mutters dejectedly.

"Hmm... and getting snow or hail clouds would be difficult considering it's the middle of summer..."

"Don't you have some kind of machine that would work?" Lyra asks desperately.

"Possibly, but not here" Ditzy and I answer in unison.

We pause and run in opposite directions, leaving Lyra behind "Hey! Where are you guys going?!"

I stumble into The TARDIS and gallop towards the back rooms "I know that I have that old thing here somewhere..."

I grin and pull from a dusty box a silver and blue sphere "Zero degree flash grenade, now... all I need is an apparatus to harness it..."

Looting through the collected souvenirs, I come across a large hourglass "Odd... very odd... aha!" I grab a small rifle-like object and place the sphere into the chamber, sonicing it in place "Right... this should make a very good if touchy freeze ray... just don't drop it..."

I gallop out of the TARDIS, paying the hourglass no mind.

I arrive at Ditzy's house to find her and Lyra are both wearing welding suits "I... what are you two doing?"

Lyra removes her helmet "Ditzy's going to use her miniature fusion reactor's cooling systems to freeze the air around them, what's that?"

"Freeze rifle, it's a rifle that might freeze things solid, so long as I don't drop it, then it'll explode and freeze a square mile. Perfectly harmless."

Lyra rolls her yes "'Harmless', yeah, sure."

Ditzy produces a small bazooka-like thing and places it on Lyra's back "Okay, this should work, just pull the release lever with your magic, but it needs to recharge after each shot."

I nod to them and Lyra leads us to the tar-things.

This is just what I needed! I think to myself, having fun chasing down danger.

"You weren't kidding... that's a whole bog of tar-things."

Lyra nods "And we have to hope that your machines work and don't end up killing us or freezing us solid instead... business as usual."

Ditzy nods and pulls out her stun-blaster "Let's go!"

I line up a shot and before I can manage to fire, a loud explosion knocks me several feet into an abandoned stall "What the-"

"Sorry Turner!!" Lyra yells, the muzzle of her cannon emanating vapor.

Well, I wonder if she hit- oh that is cool! A whole wall of ice filled with frozen tar-things blocks the progress of the flowing mass.

I line up another shot and fire, a spiky pillar of ice erupts for a brief instant and it freezes three more "Okay, not like a sniper rifle, but buckshot... amazing!" I grin and Ditzy lands next to me and grins "Is this something that happens a lot when you're around Doctor?"

"Oh of course, what fun is there in travelling if you can't have some mortal danger or peril?"

"FIRING!" Lyra yells and another deafening pulse of air slams into me "Urgh... this is getting painful..."

Ditzy takes off and fires a few electric bolts at the beings, but even I can see that they do nothing "Ditzy! Stop wasting your ammo! It isn't even touching them!"

She frowns and reaches into her pocket, pulling out what looks like a compact and presses a button and it whirs to life Stand back! I saw this happen at the Equestria Games!"

"The what?!" I yell over the whirring.

"Stand back!" she repeats and I notice that it's becoming very humid and Lyra's cannon had stopped glowing "Uh... I think I know what she's talking about and... oh buck she's going to do it!"

I throw up my hooves "DO what?! What is she going to do!"

"That!!" Lyra points, grabbing me in her telekinesis.

In front of Ditzy is a large grey raincloud "Where did she-"

"That thing she has is a magical amplifier! It stores magic and amplifies it, she's using the magical equivalent of several dozen pegasi and if she has a frost arrow..."

As if hearing Lyra, Ditzy reaches into her other pocket and pulls out a silver case the size of a pencil box. Clicking it open, she removes a single blue crystal arrow "How exactly is that dangerous?"

"Watch..." Lyra says, her horn glowing to throw up a golden barrier.

Ditzy flies a few feet back and throws the arrow towards the cloud like a javelin. It pierces the cloud and for a split instant, nothing happens.

Then the cloud freezes solid.

It falls to the ground and I notice that all of Lyra's shots had created a circular wall of ice, and the ice-cloud was right above it.

Note to self, do not get Ditzy cross, she is scary.

With the sound of several glasses shattering, the ice-cloud turned the wall into a solid ice dome.

Lyra lowers the shield and trost over to Ditzy "Are you fried in the brain Derpy?! You could've frozen the whole town solid!!"

Ditzy flinches "But... I didn't, so it doesn't matter what might've happened, right?"

Lyra groans and rubs her forehead "That's... not the point. You could've... the end doesn't always justify the means..."

I shiver mostly from the cold and a little from fear "Well... I suppose that was an interesting plan... you froze the water particles within the cloud? That's... impressive."

Ditzy blushes "Anypony could've done it, I'm not that clever."

Lyra sighs "Now we have another problem, how are we supposed to get the tar-things back to Tartarus, the gates only open to the princesses or from the inside."

"Teleportation!" Ditzy suggests.

"No can do, Tartarus can't be teleported into or out of. Magical dead zone."

Ditzy grins wide "The TARDIS! It doesn't use magic and it can go anywhere in space!"

I look at the ice dome and then at Ditzy "I don't think that's possible. Even if The TARDIS's tractor beam worked for something like that, I don't know where this Tartarus place is."

Lyra smiles "But I do, just let me put in the coordinates and we should be gilded."

"'Golden'. We should be golden." I correct, sighing "Fine, Ditzy, you stay here... shouldn't take too long."

"LEFT! I said LEFT!!" Lyra yells, pressing buttons frantically "Why doesn't this dang thing work?!"

I sigh and nudge her out of the way "You need to be respectful. Observe." I press a number of buttons and The TARDIS screeches to a halt "Uh... I think I left the CAPS lock on... Go see how well the ropes are holding."

Lyra rolls her eyes and looks at the camera monitor "They're holding, and we're about two parsecs by expansion factor to the right of the gate, it'll widen to accept the ice and then we can just cut the ropes loose. Got that Doct- whoa!!" The TARDIS lurches to one side and I flip several switches "The old girl doesn't like that gate too much! Like it's an energy sink or something!"

The ice-block swings to one side and the ropes snap, dropping into the demolished gate "Nice work Doc!"

I swipe a bit of sweat from my brow "Yes... all according to plan..."

Ditzy flies up and into the TARDIS "I told Warden Mephisto what happened and he said that he had been busy fixing another gate that had been broken."

"What are the odds of two gates getting broken out of? Never heard of that before..." Lyra mutters to herself and I guide the TARDIS back to the warehouse, bone-tired.

I fall onto the couch, my body cold and sore "Urgh... how are you two not hurting?"

"I'm a Pegasus so I have a lot of stamina." Ditzy replies, folding her uniform.

"I do a lot of running and martial arts" Lyra says, levitating the two uniforms to a back room or something.

"That's fine and good, but I don't think my coat is working, I'm cold." I mutter, rubbing my hooves together.

"Me too... here." Ditzy pulls a fleece blanket from a chest next to the couch and throws it over herself and I, shifting to sit next to me.

"Thank- whoa!" I feel something feathery brush my back and Ditzy cocks her head "What? I'm just giving you a wing hug."

"Yes, well, I was surprised, I thought that some type of furry insect or something had hidden itself within the blanket."

She snorts "Nah, I'm just giving you a hug, and thanks for helping, you didn't need to."

I scoff "I like to help, helping is fun and that often leads to more adventures. Though how dexterous are your wings?"

Ditzy blushes "D-doctor! That's a very loaded question!"

I blush as well "I- I didn't mean it like that! I meant in terms of fine motor skills!"

Lyra walks past, a cup of what looks like soda in her hoof "... Don't mind me, I'm just passing through. Have fun~"

Both Ditzy and I sit in silence, too flustered to speak "S-so... Tartarus? I went to a planet called that a few centuries ago... I wonder if it's similar?"

Ditzy, happy to have the subject changed, shrugs "I don't know, I haven't been to either. Oh!" she jumps off the couch "Doctor! I was looking at my star maps for an anomaly I recorded a few weeks ago and I wanted your opinion on what it is!"

I shrug and drape the blanket over my back and follow her to her room, tuning out her excited chatter I haven't met someone so excited in space and mathematics since Adric... Adric... there's someone who I haven't thought about in a long time... what a brilliant mind and yet sought my approval the entire time we traveled... he was so brilliant! But Ditzy doesn't understand how intelligent she is, unlike how he was completely aware of his. Heh, I suppose you run into similar people if you travel enough. And Susan... why or how did I take her here?

Of course, the only other Timelord to escape from the time war and your own granddaughter would be memorable in your chaotic mind."

I rub my eyes "H-what are you talking about? I'm the last! I made it so that nothing could leave! Including the Dalek armadas!"

She smiles icily at me "Oh? Then how am I standing here, talking to you? Did you know... that this is my 3rd regeneration? I was trying to stop you from sealing Gallifrey when Rassilon shot me in the back with one of those Earth guns. I barely remember what happened between the moment I hit the floor, Lindos flooding my system when I felt you grabbing me by the arm, wearing an abhorrent... bowtie I believe they're called and a stupid Stetson. You said that you we're going to die and wanted to do right by me. I couldn't have cared less, I hadn't seen you in two centuries, but I still took your hand."

Rassilon... oho... that's clever, that's how they were able to resurrect him, they used his remains and... oh by Orion's helm... they stole Susan's remaining regenerations... and then sent him to the end of time, and gave me the fob watch to carry to him, since his memories were sealed and he was turned human... I never would've looked at the end of time, and definitely not for a specific human... Rassilon is a clever, clever manipulator... I chuckle and weep, marveling at how stupid I had been I left my only relative on a planet full of people who hated me... stupid, idiotic Doctor...

I feel someone wrap their arms around me and the smell of lilies and rain fill my senses "It's okay Doctor, whatever's made you sad, I'm sure you can fix it..." Ditzy whispers into my ear.

No... there's nothing I can do to help her... she can't regenerate and now... now she never wants to see me again... I think to myself and Ditzy tightens her grip on me "It'll be okay, I promise it'll work out Doctor."

"If only it could... I've made innumerable mistakes in my life Ditzy. Half the universe hated me and the other half was afraid." I mutter, mostly for my own benefit, and she sighs "We all make mistakes Doctor, the real point is to learn from and make up for them. If you need a while to think, I can wait to show you the map."

I shake my head "No, I'm... thank you, something occurred to me and I... lost my composure, nothing to worry about."

She nods and we walk up the stairs to her room, and I focus on her words, because they make me feel at peace for some reason... odd.

"These little blips right here." she says, pointing to a streak of light "... Triad solar system GG Tau A and its circumstellar disk. Very rare for such a system to not collapse in on itself into a binary or single sun system, but the planet itself is actually swampy with a thick nitrogen, helium, and oxygen rich atmosphere, like Saturn except without the size, solid, and no moons. Inhabited by a species of amphibious herbivores that look like a mix of a fish and a very thin frog, breathe through their skin and are very intelligent because of the dual radiations from the two closest suns that eclipse constantly, no two sunrises or sunsets are completely the same." I pause "I wonder how you could've seen this with a regular telescope though, it's about four hundred and fifty odd light years away..."

She claps her hooves excitedly "Oh Princess Luna will be so excited to know! She's been confused about it ever since I showed her the map!"

"Princess? A princess has interests in stars and Astronomy?"

"Considering that she founded the Observatory at the top of Mount Canterlot during her first year before she was banished; yes, she has quite a bit of interest in stars and Astronomy."

I grin "Well, let's go tell her the good news! Where might her mansion or whatever it is be?"

"Canterlot castle? we'd need to take a train there... and it leaves in twenty minutes and there won't be another until tomorrow at six in the morning. Hmm... Ack! I have work tomorrow!"

I shrug "So we go after you finish work?"

She taps her chin and smiles "Sounds like a plan, what'll you do 'til then?"

I shrug "Go to tomorrow at noon and meet up with you there. I'm impatient like that, never wait for time to pass like it does for everyone else, just skip the boring stuff and come in when it's not boring. see you tomorrow!"

She smiles and starts writing something down on her map.

... And think about how I can make everything up with my granddaughter. Something will come to me or I'll trip on it.

Author's Note

Hey, I had to change who Minnuette was because it made more sense for her to have been Susan, the Doctor's granddaughter. And it makes since after the second regeneration they make no mention of her (That I've seen at least)

Next time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run anymore...

"I don't like her..." I mutter to Ditzy, watching Princess Celestia trot away.

"I prefer Luna's company but... Celestia is pretty nice when she needs to be... it's just that there's apparently been somepony annoying-"

"GANGWAY!!!"

New, Old friends

We depart from the train, and Ditzy takes flight, pointing to a castle in the distance "This way Time Turner."

I smile and follow her, taking note of the city Mansions, renter's district, shops, vendors... definitely reminds me of Victorian, France. Although... how can such a large city be here on the side of a humungous mountain and not expect an avalanche or an earthquake to cause the whole base of the city to crumble?

Ditzy waves a hoof in my face "What's going on in your head Doctor?"

"Hm? Oh I was wondering how a city this old can stay stable, it must've had an earthquake or two."

She nods and lands next to me "It has, but they're rare or set off like a pressure valve to stop a huge one from decimating it. Most ponies never notice that type of thing, but it bothered me when I first saw Canterlot."

I tap my chin "Set off the tension of the tectonic plates? That's something that in my experience is only worked out by subterranean races. How on Earth did Equines figure it out?"

Ditzy grins "Diamond dogs. They're a very hardy race of traders and burrowers that live in their own mining territories, trading gems, rocks, and crystals for supplies, money, or anything they need. I've seen some whenever I have to deliver packages to borders. They're a bit isolationist, but I think that's because of the war that ended a thousand years ago, right after the unification of the three tribes. They knew so much about the deeper parts of the land we walk on that an agreement was made, in exchange for isolation and neutrality in their conflicts, they'd share their knowledge to sustain elevated mountain cities."

I nod "You're very smart Ditzy, why are you a mailmare?"

"Strict schedule, I get to travel the whole country without a care, and I inspire hope in ponies. If the Mail ponies can deliver mail through the roughest of storms and the end of civilization, everything will get better. That's the real, honest to stars truth."

"That was beautiful."

"Thanks! I spent a bit of time working on it a few years ago in case somepony asked." she grins wide and I find myself mimicking her grin.

Infectious grins and a deep thinker, will you ever cease to amaze me Ditzy Doo?

"Ugh, this is Buckingham palace all over again." I groan, the two statuesque guards' gazes unwavering.

"Buckingham palace is in Trottingham, not Canterlot."

"... Of course it is. How silly of me." I reply Honestly, these puns are becoming painful.

"Halt!" A guard yells, leveling a spear at me

"Why?"

He blinks several times "Because this is the royal castle?"

"Well, why are you standing in front of it?" I ask.

"... I'm a guard. I work here." his partner replies, confused .

"Well, what's stopping you from letting someone whom is on important business regarding an inquiry from a princess? I do believe you're doing your jobs too well. Relax! Go to a bar and forget the rigors of your job and relax! Those helmet cannot be too comfortable."

They nod slowly "Yeah... I mean, all we do is stand and look ahead! Nopony'll notice if we leave! But who'll stand guard?"

I shake my hoof "I'm sure that you two can be in for a draft, drink, unwind, and return before the next change of guard. Now off you two go, you deserve this."

The nod and gallop away, and Ditzy taps my shoulder "Why did you do that?"

"I wanted to see if I was just as persuasive as a pony. And because the two of them were looking like they were going to fall asleep."

Ditzy knocks on a giant yellow-gold door "Princess Celestia?"

The door is enveloped in a dandelion aura and opens "Yes? Who is- oh! Ms. Hooves, what a surprise, did I need to sign for a letter or some such?"

"No, we were wondering if Luna was at the observatory. I know it's kind of early, and the sun hasn't set, but you two are so close I thought you'd know."

"'We'? Who accompanying you?"

I walk in and someone gasps "YOU!"

"Wha- okay, horses do apparently exist. Just with wings and horns. Interesting." I mutter to myself when a tall white mare with a flowing green, blue and yellow mane walks over to me, her violet eyes glaring angrily at me "You must have an unending well of nerve to show your face to me Salamander. You're 'Sun Stores' have done nothing more than explode and cause carnage! Now you come here, guided by a friend?! I should turn you to cinders and pour them into the deepest pit of Tartarus!"

"'Salamander'? Haven't been called that in at least seven centuries..." I mutter to myself "Princess, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone else. My name is Time Turner and I'm nothing but a traveler who has decided to seek a... 'normal' life in your country. You've nothing to fear from me."

She snorts and moves Ditzy away from me "I am no fool Salamander. You are nothing more than a scam artist and a mad scientist who sought wisdom by betraying his own friends and advocates! You are no 'Traveler', you are a mad pony."

"Now see here-"

Ditzy puts a hoof over my mouth "Princess Celestia, I can vouch for him. And according to section three hundred forty-five dot sixty-two dash fifty-three, subsection Epsilon, paragraph four: 'If doubt of identity is raised through magical means, whether in regards to longevity, physical and or physiological changes, or caste shifting, a third, impartial party is allowed to administer a test written by the accuser to the accused. Any family or associates relating to the accused are allowed to witness and raise objection over any questions that may seem to be impossible to answer, should the accused's identity be genuine.' You wrote that Princess Celestia. Are you going to deny the very laws you wrote?"

I notice a faint vein pop from her forehead but ignore it "Fine. I had a test written up for him should he ever reappear." her horn glows with magic and a pile of papers appears in front of me "Answer that... and you will have a polygraph administered."

I roll my eyes and lift the papers "May I borrow a pencil?"

I pass the paper back, removing the probes from my body "there. That should show I'm not who you think I am."

She looks over the questions and frowns "... Buck. I believe you Time Turner. The resemblance was too uncanny for me to ignore."

"I don't like her..." I mutter to Ditzy, watching Princess Celestia trot away.

"I prefer Luna's company but... Celestia is pretty nice when she needs to be... it's just that there's apparently been somepony annoying-"

"GANGWAY!!!"

I turn and barreling towards us is a black pegasus in a modified food cart. Ditzy tackles me to the ground and the pegasus shoots past us, crashing into a wall "Ow... I am OKAY!"

Ditzy shivers, her head on my chest "That was a close one Doctor! Are you okay?"

I have an adorable mare on my ches- why do I keep doing that?! "Dandy. Would you mind getting off of me?"

She nods and rolls off of me, and walks towards the wreckage of the cart "Are you okay?"

I roll onto my hooves and the Pegasus smiles "Peachy, I'm so sorry about that miss. My steering mechanism well... broke after a tight corner, and I lost control."

I look over the remains "And apparently you only removed the top of the cart and rigged the wheels to turn. Crude and simple, but it'd work."

"Thanks, it was a spur of the moment thing. Anyways I sense Sun-butt is going to chew me out for my attempts at vehicular science, so I'm going to go and see Luna about a thing."

"What type of thing?" I ask him, following.

"A thing, it's a thing in progress. Do not disrespect the thing!" He replies "Why are you following me, anyways?"

Ditzy pipes up "We want to see Luna about something too!"

"Oh, cool. Follow me! I know a shortcut through the walls!"

I stop "Through the walls?"

He nods and presses a brick in the wall next to him and the whole wall fades, revealing a corridor "Come on! It won't stay phased out indefinitely!"

Ditzy shrugs "He knows a shortcut."

I roll my eyes and follow after him. "I'm Time Turner by the way."

He nods "Midnight Mare, and you miss pegasus?"

"Ditzy Doo! Though my friends call me Derpy."

"Huh, that's an interesting nickname. Well follow me Turner and Doo! we should be just about- here we are! The chambers of her regally regalness, Luna!"

A dark blue, horned pegasus with a mane like the night sky looks up from a thick tome, reading glasses on the end of her nose and inquisitive teal eyes behind them "Midnight? Who are you talking to?"

Ditzy steps out from behind him and waves "Hi Luna."

The mare jumps from her seat and embraces Ditzy "Ditzy Doo! How have you been?"

"Fine, I have a cool friend with me and he answered our question about the blurry stars!"

Midnight shrugs, pats me on the back and walks over to what I assume is Luna's bed "I'm gonna hang here until Tia gets bored of looking for me after I tested your experiment to see if common items in the castle could be siege-weapons or defensive against the like. Cart Kart is not a go, we need better wheel control."

Luna nods slowly, looking perplexed "And whom is with you Dit-" her eyes widen in surprise and something familiar.

Recognition.

"Doctor? Doctor, is it really you?" she walks slowly towards me, her eyes unwavering but starting to water "Please tell me I'm not dreaming... Please, please don't tell me that you're a dream..."

I blink "I'm quite sure I'm not a dream..."

"1 in 28 odds for that Princess." Midnight adds before scratching his head "Huh, I'm apparently quick with odds... this is only cementing my theory that I'm a gambler..."

Ignoring his outburst, I step towards the princess "Have we met?"

She gasps, her look of pleading changes to hurt, the tears rolling down her cheeks "Y-you don't... remember me? Fighting The Zarbi and Animus on Vartis' moon? The giant ant and the huge butterfly creature they were so afraid of? Don't you remember that?"

I nod "Vividly, but that was... gosh, eight hundred odd years ago for me. How long has it bee-"

"A millennium and twenty-three years today. That's what I was reading actually. It's a copy your journal, sans the page with your name. I made a copy of it and with a blindfold, tore out and incinerated that page before I left. I hit you on the head with a snow globe that held... what did it say it was?" she levitates the book over and flips several pages "Ah, Lloigor or the 'Great old ones'. Funny little psychic anomaly from pre-universe."

I nod, horror flooding my senses "Give me that book!"

She blinks and levitates it next to me, sadness and fear on her face "I- I'm sorry Doctor! I was just curious about your history! I had so much respect for you and everything you stood for! I have waited more than a millennium to see you again! That book and my memories were the only proof you ever existed! Tia thought you were some imaginary friend I made up to help me feel safe under Discord's rule... Doctor..." she sniffs, tears rolling down her face "I... I waited a thousand y-years... I waited for you... but you never came..." her voice cracks "That book is the only thing that helped me sleep, reading stories about the universe and the single pony who stood against the most heinous of crimes... and now...?"

She drops to the floor, her mane and body shakes and lightens, her body shrinking slowly to the Ditzy's height "Now I've... I've... I'm sorry... please don't leave me alone... I... I want to see the universe again..."

Ditzy wraps a hoof around Luna's barrel "I know you meant well Luna, but why didn't you tell me about him earlier?"

"I... I didn't want you to think I was... was... crazy! Would you ever believe that he existed if you hadn't met him?! A stallion in a blue box that could fly through time and space?! It's ludicrous!"

I sigh "Princess... I can't have a record of who I am outside the TARDIS. I can't have my story known and seen by anyone save myself. This book is too dangerous, and I'm afraid... that you need to forget everything within."

"... I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that to Luna Outsider. You have the right to your privacy, but erasing memories? That is something I can't allow, no matter the reasoning." Midnight says, appearing in front of Ditzy and Luna "You have overstepped your boundaries Outsider, and I can see clearly that you have no other way of survival beyond medicine and your wits. You can't regenerate, so that means you have to be careful with your words and actions. Make a move to harm Luna, and I will detonate the explosive napalm charges I placed on yur body when I touched you a few minutes ago, immolating you entirely."

I snort "You're bluffing."

He quirks an eyebrow and stomps his hoof and whistles. Where he had stomped glows white and explodes, a stream of jelly erupting and catching on fire, burning out in mere seconds "Am I? Because my little demonstration proves otherwise. There are three ways this conflict resolves Outsider. One: you can apologize and eradicate the very notion of tampering with Luna's memories. Two: you can attempt to tamper, and I reduce you to ashes. Three: you leave, and come back when you've gotten rid of whatever desire has made you attempt tampering with her memories. Or there's the possible fourth where we just stand here, and you internally debate what choice you'll make until you decide. It's your choice, I just happen to be the one outlining them and executing the appropriate reactions."

I grit my teeth "The knowledge she has is dangerous not only to herself, but to me! Why are you so against me making sure we're both safe?!"

"I don't have any memories of who I was, or even my name. I don't know how old I am, if I'm married, have children, or if I was always a pony! The only clues I have are my cutie mark, my hat, my jacket, and my cards. But considering how my mind is going through several simulations on the possible and impossible scenarios, each where either both of us live, or one of us dies. And there are more outcomes of where you perish than there are of the other outcomes. So you can see that I'm quite clever and why I hate the idea of losing memories."

He frown and gives Luna a weak smile before turning back to me "And you are a hero to her, you kept her sane when she was weak, and for that kindness, I'm giving you warning and options, rather than just destroying you and that book."

I glare at him and stares at me impassively, and I see that there's no spark in his eyes, no life or joviality or even a sign that he's bluffing. "You would sacrifice her safety because of something that hasn't happened?"

He nods "I have nothing to lose except my life, which is mostly conjecture right now. You might as well use your time to contemplate your choice, rather than try to undermine my resolve."

"... You called me 'Outsider', why?"

"You aren't on Gallifrey with the majority of your kind, you are not wearing any of their silly headdresses or robes. So it should stand to reason that you are one of the number of the group that lives outside the capitol. Was I wrong?"

"... Not entirely. How do you know so much?"

He shrugs "Beats the ever-loving chaos outta me. Maybe I'm just seeing your memories or something. Not important. Now, have you made a decision?"

"... Option five." I reply and he sighs "Why is it always the hidden option? Fine, you're going to try to outwit me, a plan that probably involves Miss Doo. So as I passed her, I made sure she couldn't assist in the form of magically sourced chains."

He steps to the side and Ditzy is held by dark chains along with Princess Luna "Why would you-"

"Because she would also likely interfere. Worry not Outsider, they are both unharmed, just immobile. I wanted to minimize the chances of an unforeseen circumstance that could come from their investment in you. Now please, I am a very patient individual, I think. But to say I am not irked by your choice isn't true. Nevertheless, I shall allow you to try again, if you so choose."

"... what are you?" I ask, quaking in anger.

"I am nobody I suppose, no past or a name to which to define me. So I suppose I am Nobody No-One. And I suppose with my mastery of ideas and their conveyance, I'll call myself the Word Lord. Has a nice ring to it, yeah?"

My eye twitches "Why is it that everywhere I go recently, someone brings up my past?! And I know that... Nobody No-One is trapped in the Hand of All, who died within it within the mind of my friend."

Midnight shrugs "Iono what you're talking about Outsider, but whatever floats your boat."

I jump, expecting a boat and an ocean to appear underneath us "Wha- you aren't Nobody No-One!"

"Of course not, that'd be silly. I'd need to go up to a drunken Cyclops and call myself that then stab him in the eye and run while laughing as it answered a question as to who wounded it; 'Nobody! Nobody has rendered me blind!'" he chuckles "Who knew that trhe ancients had a dry sense of humor?"

I cock my head "So... what are you?"

He shrugs I'm starting to think that's all he's capable of doing "Haven't the slightest. Still, I believe you have a decision to make, and I want to let Luna go or else she'd geld me if I hadn't already confirmed I'm a eunuch."

I sigh "I won't tamper with Princess Luna's memories, but I won't return the book. I'm going to destroy it."

He smiles weakly "That's all I had honestly set out to accomplish. 'Shadow Spell', I return your power to the Spirit Realm!"

The chains glow and shoot into his hoof, a glowing card forms when they touch him "I'm so awesome..." he mutters and he places the card into his jacket pocket. His face and posture relax and he sighs "Sorry about that Doc. I'm kind of Luna's self-appointed assistant and I just want her to have some genuine friends and acquaintances. I don't think having you mind altered by your foalhood hero falls into that category so... sorry about that again and I will go finish my nap."

My eye twitches "Are you Nobody No-One?!"

He turns and taps his chin in thought "Dunno, but if you happen to find out who I am or something, could you mayhaps tell me? Oh! And I conked Luna and Miss Doo on their heads with my hoof and knocked them out, so they didn't see or hear anything. So we're even. She sees you as a hero, you get your book back and I'll tell her that I wanted to ask your opinion on something of a very delicate nature and that I beaned her with my hoof for privacy."

My eyes twitch "You are infuriatingly confusing."

He pauses "I get that a lot, and I'm guessing you can say the same."

I drain the last of the tea and smile "Thank you Luna, but there's no need to be so generous."

Ditzy shakes her hoof "It's just her way. And Princess, what do you think about what The Doctor found?"

Luna looks away from her telescope and nods "Upon further magnification, thank you for that Doctor, I can make out three suns. A simple answer to a complex problem, I believe you told me... will tell me that someday."

I sigh "Can we please stop talking about that? I usually end up doing something stupid in the past. Or brilliant. Either one or more likely, both."

Both laugh and Midnight walks by, yawning "Luna, your telescope is pointed too far to the left. If you want to see Telos evacuated, you'll have to move it two and five sixths west."

"Telos?" Ditzy asks, looking for me for an explanation.

"A very cold, arid and mountainous planet far away. Home to the Cryons, but they were very cold beings as a result, so when the surface temperature rose too high for them to live, they went into underground tombs to hibernate until it was cold enough again. Unfortunately in the interim, Cybers came to that planet in hopes of hiding and were presumed dead but they were waiting for new bodies to add to their millions. Wiped out in the 26th century by the very Cryons they had held prisoner via explosion. Cryons have finally gained enough time to create a mobile freeze transport to move to the safest and coldest place in the known universe, the Frond-Grief super cloud. Several suns and no outside navigation can penetrate it because of the majority of the cloud is iridium and lead. Kind of nice, but soon as they're set, researchers will descend on the planet and take as many of the remaining, albeit frozen, artefacts left from that explosion in hopes of understanding the evolutions of the Cybers." Midnight explains, yawning still "Pretty much a sure thing ever since the cloud was deemed hospitable only for mineral and ante-thermal life."

Luna and Ditzy's jaws are agape "H-how did you know that?"

"Hm? Oh, I was just relaying the broadcast from the Shadow Migration. Universal customs and news, as well as investigation. Kind of nice considering I just made this not two minutes ago." he reaches into his hat and pulls out what looks like a blue tooth "I modified my Duel Gazer to receive faraway radio frequencies. Anyone with a bit of science on their side could do it."

I take the Gazer and put it to my ear "And so the first and only known migration to the Frond-Grief cloud has begun. But of course, there are just as many, if not more, individuals who wish to scour the planet for Cyber artifacts. This is of course legal, considering that the Cryons have no interest in such relics. In other remarkable news, Free Trade has been implemented by The Boz of Mondos."

I return it to him "Impressive. How is it so crystal clear?"

"I bounce the signal off the sun. Perfectly harmonizes the various sounds and leaves clear transmission. Though to be honest, having Luna place a solar-powered attractor/ rebounder was a bit.. interesting."

"When di I do that?"

"Last night, when I asked to see how close you could get to the sun without having to teleport back or catch on fire."

She walks over and backhands Hooves? him "You suck Midnight."

"I know, and yet you still like me." he replies, smirking "So! Why the interest in this particular star system?"

"Scientific curiosity I suppose." Ditzy replies "So, when did you meet the Doctor?"

Luna smiles wistfully, her eyes radiating nostalgia "I was exploring the cave system that is now known as Ghastly Gorge, looking for a fabled master of sciences, a pony who could reason out the weakness to any problem, but was mad; undoubtedly mad. I arrived at his cave and after solving a large number of puzzles set to ward off the ignorant, I found this Stallion with a side-ways blue bow-tie and collar, and a grey mare who's face was hidden by a domino mask and hooded cloak, her cutie mark impossible to focus on, as if my eyes didn't want to process what it was. The stallion walked up to me and smiled 'Hello, again.'

"He called himself 'The Doctor' and the mare, who never spoke, his 'Charmingly modest assistant and companion'. He said that he knew my questions before I had asked them, and said that there was nothing he could do to help stop Discord. I was furious, and called him a spineless fool but he laughed 'I know you're angry little princess; but I can't help with that problem. I can, however, show you something mind-blowing.'

"His assistant nodded and tapped on something next to her, and suddenly, I saw a box. A box of the bluest blue, a single white light on top and within. On the each side was a sign saying 'Police public call box' and on the doors. On the front doors, one said 'Police Telephone free for use of public advice & assistance obtainable immediately. Officers & cars respond to all calls. Pull to open.' and the other had a compass rose inscribed with 'St. John ambulance'. I never found out what 'cars' or who Saint John was. He smirked and patted me on the head 'I know, she's a beauty. Older than I am, but we have a good relationship. She takes me where she wants to go, and I sit back and hope not to die after we get there.'"

I nodded "Sounds... like something I'd say."

"His assistant waved me in 'You can't expect all of us to fit in that little box!"

"He smiled and adjusted his tie 'I think we can. Care to test who's theory is right?'"

"I rolled my eyes but followed him, and it was amazing. Thee were lights and a humungous console with countless machines and levers and switches, lights that blinked and vibrated! I had never seen such a thing before in my life or since. He smiled and approached the console, and the doors closed 'Well, I suppose I was right.' He flipped a switch and the machine sighed and I felt as if we were moving and suddenly... it stopped. We left and..." she taps her chin and smiles mischievously "Sorry Doctor, that's a story for another time. Spoilers!"

I wince "... Of course. 'Spoilers' that's just what I need."

Ditzy cocks her head in confusion "So... you shouldn't tell us?"

"If she told you how the story goes, that'd be making sure it happens exactly that way. It's no fun, an adventure if you know exactly what will happen. Like skipping to the last page of the book half-way through. No fun and it completely defies the point of reading." Midnight says, grinning impishly.

Luna levitates a bag onto her shoulders "I'm ready! Let's go to... Betelgeuse! I've wanted to sip cocktails under the light of three different stars, well, I had a dream that I did, so it must be a good idea!"

I pause mid-sip "What are you talking about?"

She blinks and grabs a solid black tiara, removing a slip of paper from within "This. You promised me that when you came back, you'd take me on an adventure where and whenever I wanted. See?"

ADMIT ONE: Luna Moonbeam
To anywhere and anywhen. One use per individual barring time-variants.
Nontransferable excluding death before redeeming, in which case, strike out recipient's name and write new recipient's name.
Travel executed by: The Doctor.

"... Ugh! Fine! We need to get to Ponyville though." I relent Why do I annoy myself in the future? I can't think it's good for my past health.

Luna smiles "I can teleport us there!"

Before I can react, her horn glows and everything aound me changes and I stumble into a lamppost "Urgh... I don't think teleportation agrees with me..."

Luna stomps her hooves excitedly "Come! We have a star to go to! And maybe an adventure!"

Why are they always so excitable...?

Author's Note

Next time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run anymore...

"Doctor..." Luna whispers, leaning down to my level.

Ditzy and I turn to her "Yes?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong... but I think those 'quite genteel lizard-avians', are drooling blood and coming our way."

I turn and groan "This is why I can never have a nice thing."

Double sun

The TARDIS lands softly and I check the monitor "We have arrived at Bellatrix! Home of a number of quite genteel lizard-avian species and great dry martinis. Sorry we couldn't go to Betelgeuse, but it is nine times the size of your sun, and is near supernova so... but you can see it quite well on the horizon."

Luna grins "Martinis? Who has time for such sissy drinks? I'll take a draft any day thanks."

Ditzy giggles to herself and nods to the doors "Shall we?"

Luna beams "But of course! Black sandy beaches, here I come!"

Luna extends a hoof to me "Credits please."

"Cred- you want me to give you an allowance?!"

She nods "How else am I supposed to sample the local fare? Come now Doctor, you must have a universal credit thingy."

I shake my head "Sorry, I'm not the type to carry money on my person."

"You have a bank account?" Ditzy asks.

"What? No! I don't have any money! I travel in the TARDIS, why would I need any money?"

Luna huffs "Fine, I shall see if I can get some of my bits exchanged for currency. Wonder what the going rate is for gold..."

I sigh "Luna, wait, we need to stick together, nothing good ever happens if we split up."

Ditzy nods "He's right, we're most vulnerable when alone."

Luna sighs "Okay... worrywarts."

Luna skips down the beach, black sands shifting in her wake "Now all we need is to get intoxicated on local brews and awaken with no recollection of the evening before saving the world with a hangover!"

I wince "You plan for something bad to happen?"

Luna nods "Murphy's law. And I prefer to deal with things drunk or post drunk. makes it more fun and death-defying."

Ditzy coughs, her muzzle covered with ice cream "No thanks on the drinking Luna, I can't drink."

"And I've never liked alcohol myself." I add and Luna rolls her eyes "Suit yourselves. More... what did they call this?"

"A daiquiri."

"Yes! Daiquiris for the princess of the night!" Ditzy giggles "She's very passionate about her alcohol."

"Hmm... I noticed." I reply, shaking my head.

But there's one thing I haven't noticed...

Luna tosses back her head and shivers "Oh yes, this is good booze. A little weaker than I like for a start, but tasty nonetheless."

I groan "Wonderful, she's a connoisseur."

Ditzy pauses and inspects the sand "Doctor... is this sand actually micro-spherical obsidian?"

I nod "Yes, oddly enough, due to a dark blue cobalt impurity, it doesn't have the same crystal properties as say, black obsidian. You have a good eye for detail."

She blushes "Oh I don't, I've just spent way too much time on beaches with a metal detector. You pick up this kind of knowledge from petrology majors that hang around the coast."

I shake my head "I can't understand why you undermine your own intellect with such modesty, you're brilliant and everyone else can see it, plain as day."

Luna walks up to us and smiles "You... you two should kiss. Like... now."

I blush and shoot her a glare "That's not appropriate Princess Luna!"

Luna shrugs "Just saying. Hey, I saw a towel stand near the end of the beach. I'm gonna go buy us some to lay on. You two... do sciencey or kissy things... I'm gonna get towels and drunk more."

I sigh "Honestly, this is another reason I don't like alcohol. It makes even the most considerate individuals turn into obnoxious children."

Ditzy nods "Right... but there's a saying that my friend Berry Punch told me. 'Alcohol makes you say what your heart truly feels.' Of course, she runs the only bar in Ponyville so... it might just be marketing."

I snort "I've heard similar from a number of people. Come on, let's make sure that Princess Luna doesn't hurt herself."

I sigh, watching the suns set "This is something that I'd always wanted to do, just sit back and not have to worry about anything."

Ditzy smiles "Yeah, no deliveries, no monsters in town, no nothing. Peace and quiet."

"Agreed, I may've been conscious for a small part of my banishment, but that doesn't mean it was vacation. Hey Doctor, how come we can see two suns?"

"Well, Betelgeuse is 12th brightest star you can see in the night sky, whereas Bellatrix is 27th. We see both stars at the same time because they are relatively close and directly across from each other, the shoulders of Orion the hunter."

"Hm, How do you measure that? I just make charts and my telescopes aren't... digital."

I grein "Trust me, I have a number of books that could better explain it to you, I actually was the one who showed Galileo where Saturn was, of course, he still thought it was three planets instead of one with a ring of dust and ice. Nice guy, bad breath and hated church."

Ditzy holds up some sand to the sun "You know... if this has a blue impurity, it might be worth melting into glass. Who knows, it could make pretty stained glass."

I snort "It's already glass, but maybe it could. I've found obsidian to only be useful as an edge for a knife or a scalpel myself."

Luna snorts "Aye, but it isn't very strong or shock resistant, is it? Good for cutting the inert, bad for slicing the enemy. Trust me, I've tried."

Ditzy smiles and looks around the boardwalk and various darkened shops that line the coast "... Is this planet inhabited?"

Luna shrugs, sipping her drink "Planet-wide vacation?"

"No, I've been here before, and it was brimming with locals and tourists. Besides, the sun is a blue supergiant and the planet doesn't have any actual tilt to it, it's mid-summer, early fall here all of the time except when between Betelgeuse and Bellatrix, then it's off the seasonal markets for a whole two months. But... you're right, how did you get the towels and the drinks, Luna?"

"Automated vendors, I swiped my credit wand and I got my orders."

I tap my chin in thought "We arrived near the end of the time before it's in range for both stars, There aren't any tourists, no locals, and automated dispensers... something was planned so that no one could be here, but they made it possible for tourists to get fare and necessities..."

Luna walks over to me and offers her drink "Come on Doctor, drink and live a little."

I shake my head "No, I don't drink. What could have made them plan to leave, bar tourists, yet still have marketable, though automated, fare? Think, Doctor, Think..."

"Maybe it's for extremophile aliens to be able to enjoy the scenery?" Ditzy says, looking at the sunsets "Sure is pretty."

"Doctor..." Luna whispers, leaning down to my level.

Ditzy and I turn to her "Yes?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong... but I think those 'quite genteel lizard-avians', are drooling blood and coming our way."

I turn and groan "This is why I can never have a nice thing."

It was true, their normally transparent feathery scales are dulled and stained by blue-black ooze coming from their mouths, they shuffled as if their joints had been frozen and were still thawing. Dead, glassy eyes above withered beaks stare back at us, like old fish at market.

"... Run!" Ditzy yells, taking flight.

Luna nods and throws me onto her back "Hold on Doctor!"

I barely manage a response when she extends her wings and takes off, spraying blackish sand in her wake.

I wrap my hooves around her barrel and she turns to me "Sorry about that Doctor! Fight or flight, you know?"

I shake my head "No problem!"

Ditzy glides over to us and smiles weakly "So much for a vacation..."

Luna laughs "This is what I'd hope would happen! Dealing with a mysterious thing that concerns an entire planet! Playing the meek but eccentric anti-hero and setting things back to working order! This is what I've craved!"

I roll my eyes "That doesn't happen all of the time, just most of it!"

Ditzy turns to look at the beach, the Trixians their name, not mine searching under the towels and tossing the empty cups of alcohol over their shoulders "Has this happened before?"

"No, not that I've ever seen. We need to get back to the TARDIS and figure out what happened."

"Well, there aren't any reports on it, so either it just started, or no one has thought to report it. It isn't traditional, local phenomena, that's for sure."

Luna taps her hooves idly "May I make a suggestion?"

I shrug "Sure, I can't figure out what to do unless I have more information."

"I suggest that we go and retrieve a sample of that ooze they were drooling or maybe some feathers? Some sort of tissue or biological sample to find out if it's biological or synthetic in nature."

I clap my hooves "Brilliant idea Princess! Problem though, both of you have avian features, and if it's biological, it could jump from them to you and you could end up being carriers of an alien disease or virus and... that wouldn't be good."

Ditzy frowns "He's right Luna, we're both avian, I think that we should let the Doctor fix this by himself."

Luna shakes her head "No, Doctor, you can't expect the two of us to 'sit this one out' just because of some possibility. If it is biological and it does affect us, you're brilliant enough to create a cure or a treatment to stop and reverse it. I have the strongest immune system compared to Derpy, and your Timelord DNA is too unstable to handle specialized pathogens. I'll go get a sample and teleport back outside of the TARDIS. Doctor, are there any hazardous materials suits in the TARDIS?"

I nod "A few airtight space suits from past adventures, but not necessarily hazmat quality."

She smiles "Get us three, if it's airtight, we can sanitize them later. even if it doesn't work, I have the greatest chance to be unaffected."

I bite my lip and sigh in resignation "Fine, I'll go get them. Stay here."

Luna steps out of the TARDIS, "Okay, I'm going to go get myself infected for science..."

I roll my eyes, putting my helmet on "Really? You have that little faith in me?"

Ditzy shrugs and a few seconds later, Luna reappears with a full petri dish "Mission accomplished!"

I nod and take it from her and put the dish into the TARDIS's scanner "We'll see what this is soon..."

The Console beeps and the sample ejects, writhing in the dish "... Or immediately."

Turning to the monitor, I read the results and smile "It's contagious!"

"Why are you happy about that Doctor?" Luna asks, cocking her head.

"Because I know what it is!"

Ditzy pokes the dish "A semi-intelligent hive-mind algae bloom?"

"How did you know that? I mean, you couldn't have known that all along!"

"It's on the monitor. It should be safe for us so long as we don't eat it."

Luna removes her helmet "Okay, so how do we stop it? Some type of aerosol?"

I shake my head "No, it's a hive-mind, you need to either eradicate all of it's hosts, or reason with it. It's not the type to listen to reason, so we need to find the core, the patient zero, in a manner of speaking."

"The brain!" Luna gasps "Well where is it?"

I grin and pick up the dish and sonic it "This is going to lead us right to it. Onwards!"

The blob jerks right and I turn, Ditzy and Luna flying above me and lifting me whenever I'd run into an infected "We've been going for an hour now! You'd think that we would've found it by now." Luna says, tapping the glass.

"Patience Princess, we should be getting close..." I reply, batting her hoof away "But that begs the question on how we are going to deal with it."

Ditzy grabs me by the shoulders "Found it."

I look up and grimace, a large black-blue mass has enveloped several buildings, a number of blank-eyed citizens milling around like guards "Ah... that seems about right. You two go back to the TARDIS. Ditzy, after five minutes, press the key on the typewriter that says 'Call', and Luna, teleport me outside the TARDIS. I have a plan."

Ditzy shakes her head "No! I'm staying with y-" Luna places a hoof on Ditzy's shoulder "Trust in him. He's going to do something clever. You are going to be clever, aren't you?"

I nod "Of course. Trust in me Ditzy, when we get back to Ponyville, I'll spend a whole day helping with your experiments or whatever you want.

I clear my throat "Hello?"

One of the bird-lizards turns to me "What?"

"Intelligent, okay, rethinking plan... yes, I was wondering why you've... well, invaded."

It stares at me blankly before answering "We are Unitum."

"I'm Time Turner, I'm a traveler and I was enjoying the beach when a number of your... fellow possessed repto-aves attacked me."

"... That is correct, we thought that you were invaders."

"Don't want competition?" I ask.

All of the controlled whip their heads glaring at me "You overstep your welcome Time Turner. Begone from our world."

"Eeeehhh.. no. No, I think I'll stay. Or at least until you explain why you are here, taking control of these innocents."

"We came to spread peace. No wars with one mind, no famine if we are one. Unity is the goal, and Peace is the result."

"But what about coexistence?! Individuality! You've taken away what makes life so beautiful!" I reply, stomping my hoof.

They grit their beaks in unison "That is not beauty. Beauty is creation."

"And you justify it by destroying the minds of innocents? That hardly seems 'peaceful' to me."

"Enough!" they yell in unison "You know not what you speak! We are peaceful, these bodies-"

"Who's body are you in?" I ask and they pause "What?"

"The body you're controlling, who was it before you came along? A mother, a soldier, a businessman, a rapist? Who is your host?"

"It matters not who they were-"

"Then how do you now that you haven't gained control over the one individual that could stop you from being burnt to a crisp by the two suns? Well?"

"The suns do not harm us Time Turner. We shall survive."

I suck my teeth "I wasn't talking to you Unitum. I was talking to your host. You see, the beings here, while natives, are still subject to the elements, the Trixians are going to burn like paper between the two suns, not to mention all the water will evaporate. The soil will harden and blanch, and the planet will dry up. You may survive the heat, but who knows how long until you completely dry out, embedded in the ashes of your hosts or clinging to sunbaked rocks."

"... you are lying."

I shake my head, grinning "Oh you'd like it if I was, wouldn't you? But I speak the truth. You are going to perish just like the hosts you inhabit. If I were you, which thankfully, I'm not, I'd leave this planet and maybe... wait until the planet's only under one sun."

They stare at me uneasily "Why do you help us Time Turner?"

I shrug "I'm not the type to let others die. Can you even eject from the bodies you're in?"

They pause.

I hiss through my teeth "Yeah... that's bad. Ah well, enjoy your life as long as you can, maybe you can build a rocket in... oh say three months? That's about as long as you have."

"Take us with you. You must have a ship."

My sonic starts to beep "Sorry, my people are calling me back to base. It was fun talking to you Unitum, but I must go."

The beeping stops and Luna teleports me to the TARDIS and I cover my mouth, dry heaving "Urgh... I hate teleporting..."

Ditzy pulls me into a hug with surprising strength "Doctor! Don't you know the third rule of space travel?!"

"Uh Earth or Timelord edition?" I ask, blushing from the hug She smells like blueberries... and... juniper. Odd choices- FOCUS!

"'Never confront an alien incursion on an alien planet unless you have been tasked to do so by natives.'" Luna says, watching the monitor "They're leaving their hosts and seem to be burning their tail to achieve escape velocity. How do you propose we stop them?"

I hug Ditzy out of instinct "Simple, we do nothing. The problem will take care of itself. Watch."

A large ship equipped with a number of arms appears with the words "Planetary sanitation" on the sides.

"Is that-"

"Yes, the universe's sanitation workers, or you could call them the hazardous materials handlers of the universe, anyways, they go wherever a planetary infection official tells them to and they gather any alien contaminants or native made waste that has become too dangerous for nature to be rid of." a large container is ejected from the bottom and arms move it forward, shovel arms dragging the mass of Unitum to the box and seal it before placing it back inside the ship itself "The ships are automated with AI and will return the contaminant to the planet of origin or the closest one to it."

Luna whistles "Universal pest control, never thought anything but Daleks would be called that."

I wince and turn to her "What did you say?!"

She blinks and holds up her hooves "I meant nothing by it Doctor! I meant that the Daleks believe the rest of intelligent life to be pestilence!"

I nod "I know, I understand the allusion, what I don't is how you know of the Daleks in the first place."

Her forehead knots in confusion "I read the book, remember? It goes into detail about the Daleks. I may not have ever seen one, but I can understand their pathos to a slight degree."

I groan "Right... well, now what?" I keep forgetting about that... what else does she know?

Ditzy smiles "Maybe the three of us can go have drinks on the beach under the two suns?"

"... I've had better daiquiris." I mutter, sipping the aromatic drink.

Luna laughs "Loosen up! We have... how long until they regain consciousness?"

"Until night time, the natives are nocturnal." I reply, relaxing on the towel.

Luna scoots next to me "Was the part about Unitum being incinerated true?"

"Yes, it was, the planet's natives are able to burrow into undersea cavers the fill with water and seal shut with mud. What I said would've happened because the it didn't know the first thing about their physiology."

Luna nods and points her drink at Ditzy who's splashing in the water "She's very cute you know."

I blush slightly "So?"

She grins "I was just thinking... what a cute couple you'd make. The mare who watches the stars, and the stallion who walks among them."

I sigh "She's not the type. Her room was filled with nothing but science textbooks, papers, science fiction novels, and tools. She might be cute, but she isn't the type to fall in love. Nor am I, for that matter."

Luna smirks "You may just be wrong about that." she scoots back and waves Ditzy over.

"Yeah?" Ditzy asks, flying towards us.

"We should head home, don't you think? The suns are about to finish setting and I don't want to be here when they awaken."

She nods and I stand, rolling the towels up "Onwards!"

The TARDIS lands within the warehouse and Ditzy hops out "See you tomorrow Doctor!"

I wave to her and close the doors Why did Luna say those things, I wonder? Ah well, probably just drunk off her wits.

Author's Note

Next time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run anymore...

Lyra smirks "I want you to know that your presence hasn't gone unnoticed by my people, Doctor."

"What do you mean?" I ask, leveling my gaze at her.

"'Torchwood'. Or at least, as it's called here, 'Flame Brand'. They gather and research chronomalies like your self. Things too advanced to exist where they are found, alien artefacts, and record it all. I believe you know of the ones back on Earth?"

I shiver "Yes, and I also know that they were destroyed."

"On Earth, yes, but this is not earth. You see, they ejected their files through time to try and preserve their legacy. I found the records in a capsule years ago. I don't want to hurt you doctor, we just want to go to the past to be with humanity. That's all."

The windows smash inwards and several ponies in suits and black sunglasses barge in, concussive heat blasters in their hooves "Freeze!"

A friend in need

I open the door to the TARDIS and Standing there is Lyra Heartstrings "Hi."

I groan "Hello... How can I help you?"

"Well, I have a proposition for you Doctor. Follow me."

"I'm quite fine right here, thank you."

She shrugs "Suit yourself. As you probably suspect, I represent a certain group of like-minded individuals, and even before we met, I knew you."

"Yes, because of the message I told you to give me."

She shakes her head "Sorry, poor choice of words. What I meant to say was I knew of you. You're a legend to many."

"Oh? In what way?"

"As a hero, a thing to search for, an OOPA."

I snort "That's a term I haven't heard in a long time."

"But it turns out that someone had a record of where and when you would appear and save the world. A journal if you will."

A shiver passes down my spine "Luna?"

"I can't say, because I myself don't know. You may not leave much evidence behind, but you aren't completely invisible Doctor."

I open my mouth to say something but she holds up her hoof "Let me finish. You are something that every historian, adventurer, and lunatic has searched for, and the first two make up my... coalition. And we have the means to ensure you are completely taken care of in one way or another."

"Why? How could you 'Take care' of me?"

"Well, besides the fact that you are completely mortal at the moment, you can't stand too much stress before dying. But there's one thing I think that you should always know."

Lyra smirks "I want you to know that your presence hasn't gone unnoticed by my people, Doctor."

"What do you mean?" I ask, leveling my gaze at her.

"'Torchwood'. Or at least, as it's called here, 'Flame Brand'. They gather and research chronomalies like your self. Things too advanced to exist where they are found, alien artefacts, and record it all. I believe you know of the ones back on Earth?"

I shiver "Yes, and I also know that they were destroyed."

"On Earth, yes, but this is not Earth. You see, they ejected their files through time to try and preserve their legacy. I found the records in a capsule years ago. I don't want to hurt you Doctor, we just want to go to the past to be with humanity. That's all."

The windows smash inwards and several ponies in suits and black sunglasses barge in, concussive heat blasters in their hooves "Freeze!"

I sigh "Are these your-" Lyra grits her teeth and the warehouse fills with gold light and the sound of falling bodies "... I guess not."

Lyra curses under her breath "No, but I know what these people are. They're Celestia's containment and black-ops corps. They detain any dangerous items or individuals and make them disappear, records, research papers, even a few cities. I've fought these censoring thugs for years." her horn glows and all of their guns float next to her "I'm not a killer Doctor, but these thugs are. We'll be good once we get them someplace- AUGH!"

A single thug stands, blood dripping down his face "That. Hurt."

Lyra grins, her whole body frozen "Agent Drops, how did you enjoy that all expense trip I sent you on?"

Agent Drops grits his teeth "You teleported me onto a cargo freighter in the Maretic circle!"

Lyra frowns mockingly "I was sure that you wouldn't settle for someplace tropical. Ah well, live and learn."

Agent Drops turns to me "Give me the blue box Alien."

Lyra spits, hitting Agent Drops' lenses "He won't do such a thing. Now..." her horn glows and she pops her neck "You really should know that I have an advantage of being nearly immune to your gun by now. Ah well, how about you just come a little closer so that I can give you a consolation prize for being such a good sport?"

Agent Drops smirks "Not like- Urgh!" the doors to the warehouse open and Ditzy walks in, a picnic basket in her mouth "Good morning Time Turner!"

Lyra shrugs "I told him... well, this is good too." she picks up agent Drops in her magic and kicks her in the side "You dead?"

Agent Drops mutters something and Lyra smiles "Good, I enjoy these little talks we have. But I'm afraid that our time is up. Bye bye!" her horn glows brightly and all of the agents disappear in a flash of light.

Ditzy walks over to us and cocks her head in confusion "Did I... miss something?"

"Nah, me and Time Turner were talking about some stuff and the suits decided to ruin it. I'm gonna go take a nap, you two kids behave now!"

"'Kids'?! I'm over nine hundred years old!"

Ditzy laughs "She's funny."

Crazy as a fox more like... I think to myself.

"A... picnic? You chose to have a picnic instead of going to space or something?"

"I'm a funny mare Doctor, besides, when was the last time you've had a picnic?"

"... Not in the past three hundred years or so." I reply, helping her set it up "But why did you want a picnic?"

She smiles and I think both of my hearts palpitate for a split second. Odd. "I wanted to have a nice picnic with one of my best friends! Is that so suspect?"

"I... suppose not." I reply, looking around at the scenery "This is a nice venue for some relaxation."

She nods and produces a loaf of bread and some mason jars "Toast?"

"That's... untoasted bread, Ditzy."

She rolls her eyes "I know that! But..." she set a slice on a plate and spreads her wings "Observe practical magic and physics."

Suddenly her wings start to vibrate unperceptively and she starts rubbing her hooves together over the bread. Her eyes focus solely on the bread that starts to brown and flake "How on Earth are you doing that?! That's not possible!"

She lowers her wings and picks up the toast, slathering some jam onto it and taking a bite "Guess how."

"I... I don't know, did you have some kind of remotely microwaving device?"

She rolls her eyes again "Microwaving doesn't cause the caramelizing of carbohydrates Doctor."

I bite my lip in thought " Well, the temperature didn't change so you couldn't have used most heating appliances... aha! You used your wings to lower the Atmospheric Pressure! You created a vacuum and used the heat your hooves made to raise the temperature! It's so simple!"

She smiles "Correct! See, that's why I chose a hill in a sunny spot. It created more warmth and less temperature from being above sea level. Hardly anypony tires to apply basic thermal physics to casual life. I can even use my wings like a lighter!" she flexes one wing and flicks two feathers, a small ember appears on the top one "Simple friction and lowered pressure."

I laugh "That's brilliant! And you say that you're one of the few who utilize it?"

"Well, I learned it from my mother who learned it from her father... it's kind of something everypony in my family is taught when we get out of flight school. It's a pretty useful trick but...' she flicks her wing, extinguishing the ember "It's kind of hard to do at the drop of a hat, I need to know the exact pressure of the place I'm in, otherwise it won't work or I'll catch more than what I want on fire."

"But the fact that you can is impressive in itself!"

She blushes slightly "Oh stop it... it's nothing special. If anypony was bored they'd eventually do it themselves."

I snort "Trust me, it'd take actual thinking to come up with a thing, you're too modest."

Ditzy blushes further and hides behind her wings "I'm not that smart... I'm just... lucky to have smart friends."

"Ditzy, why are you so... self-depreciating? You are brilliant and kind, and I have never met someone with both of those characteristics in so long."

She looks away from me and I turn her back to face me.

She's crying and her face is flushed "I'm not unique Doctor! Sure, I may be a little lucky to have an interest in the more esoteric of the sciences, but that's it! I'm weird! I'm clumsy! I have nothing going for me but my friends and a stable job! You're the brilliant one! You've seen the wonders and mysteries of time and space and who but you knows what else! You're over nine hundred years old and I'm only... only... eighteen. Doctor, I'm not even old enough for hard cider. I've had more jobs than anypony twice my age!" she coughs "I can't even carry a conversation with somepony without forgetting what the topic was halfway through a sentence."

I smile "And what have we been doing in the time we've known each other?"

Her brow furrows in confusion "Adventuring?"

"Talking. A little adventuring, sure, but you've managed to speak perfectly when we talk." I reply, placing a hoof on her shoulder "You've got a brilliant mind and a radiant personality. What's stopping you from becoming famous and respected?"

"... I like the anonymity. I don't like to stand out. When other ponies look at me, I get nervous. And when I get nervous, I crash into things or lose my focus or choke on my words. Doctor... you've got all of the confidence in the entire universe, you're cunning, inventive, ingenious, and outgoing. You've got so much goodness in your heart that I can't even fathom why you are always running from something."

I bite my lip "I'm not the hero you think I am Ditzy. I've done many horrible, inexcusable things in my life. I've let whole worlds burn, I've watched entire civilizations fade to nothing, I've led friends to their deaths... I'm not a hero Ditzy, I'm just me."

Ditzy glares at me "I refuse to believe you 'Let' all of those things happen. I know that you are trying your hardest to be a hero, to be a good pony. I may be a single, unremarkable pony, but I know you're a hero Doctor. Now stop trying to be so negative and enjoy this picnic!!"

I start to laugh "You... you... Oh boy, you tell me to not be hard on myself, and yet you are always undermining your own confidence!"

She shrugs "I'm a hypocrite, I'm only human."

"Yes that- Wait, did you say you're 'Only human'?"

She nods, spreading jam on toast I hadn't noticed she'd made "It's something Lyra always says when she screws up."

I shake my head and smile "Yes, Ms. Heartstrings, she's an interesting individual. Doesn't she remind you of Midnight?"

Ditzy laughs "Yeah... they both are a bit out there. Wonder what would happen if they ever met?"

"Ms. Heartstrings! Please tell me what's wrong!" Midnight yells, flying above us "Ditzy! Lyra came to Canterlot and I followed her and for some reason, she went to the castle and ran out crying! She teleported here but I can't find her!"

Ditzy takes flight "She'll be at the old castle, follow me!"

He shakes his head "I know where that is, thanks."

Ditzy stops him "She's our friend too, we're coming too."

He grins "Thanks, she needs all the friends she can get."

We land in the centre of the castle's top floor, but Lyra is nowhere to be found "Now where could she-"

Midnight spreads his wings and shushes me "... This way." he trots to a wall and pulls a cornice down, which opens a passageway "Follow me."

We walk through an unlit corridor and the sounds of sobbing echo from the end of it "Lyra?" Midnight calls.

The sobbing stops and a ball of golden magic shoots towards Midnight which he dodges "Yup, that's her."

Sitting in a poorly lit room is Lyra Heartstrings, her mane and fur a mess of tears and split ends "Wh-what do you want?"

Midnight walks over to her and taps her cheek softly "Several things." He pulls back his hoof and slaps her across the room.

"Midnight!!" Ditzy and I yell and a blast of gold magic hits Midnight square in the chest "That. HURT!" Lyra yells, charging at him.

Midnight side steps her and slaps her side with a wing as she just misses him "Is that best a well taught unicorn can do? A little heat and a blind, linear charge? Pathetic."

She growls and her horn fills the room with light and Midnight snorts, pulling his hat down over his eyes "Oh, I forgot you can make a big ball of light too. I'm far from impressed."

"Midnight! Why are you doing this?!" I yell, running to him but Ditzy grabs my tail "I think he knows what he's doing."

"I'm simply showing this whelp that isolating herself isn't the solution to problems. Heck, her problems, what ever they may be, are miniscule compared to mine."

Lyra crouches and charges her horn "Shut up!!"

Midnight pulls his hat back up and rolls his eyes "No, you see... you may have memories, good and painful I'm guessing, but the fact of the matter is, you have the advantage of having memories. Someone, I forget their name, said 'We are nothing more than the sum of our memories and experiences.' That's a nice sentiment, truly, but there's one problem here... I don't have anything to exceed a sum of zero. You say that your memories are lies, then so what?" he shrugs "At least you have some experiences to keep you yourself. I have Jack Diddley Squat!"

Lyra rolls her eyes and her horn fires several bolts of light that swarm towards Midnight "Oh? That's the best you have? I expected more than just some fireworks." He flaps his wings, blinding Lyra with dust. The bolts of magic fade to sparkles and Lyra sighs "You... you... Ugh! Why are you so... you?"

He shrugs "Iono who 'Me' is, but it seems that such an individual is quite superior to you at the moment. So, what's got you so... angry ms. Heartstrings?"

"Bonbon..." she growls.

"What about her?" Ditzy asks.

"She's one of... them." she spits.

"I... think you may need to elucidate on who 'Them' are." Midnight suggests, adjusting his hat.

"Celestia's censorship goons. The ones who hid the tome of Anthropology, the ones who harass me weekly, and you know what makes matters worse? She's my worst enemy. She's Agent Sweetie Drops."

"You mean that stallion you talked to at the warehouse?" I ask.

"Bonbon has always been good at changing her voice and make-up. It shouldn't come as a surprise she'd be a master of disguise. She betrayed me! She probably told the Princess all of my theories, all of my safe houses, all of my plans! She's undermined my entire life!!" she yells, her eyes glowing with magic "I trusted her! She's been my best friend since elementary school! I told her things that no one else knows! I... I... I fucking loved her!" she grits her teeth "I... I was going to ask her out on a date tonight... I had the whole evening planned out... I'm such an idiot. She would've just told me she was straight and even if she was, she'd keep her distance because something might tip me off to her secret..."

Midnight groans "Wait, Agent Sweetie Drops? She was the one who tried to shoot one of my new friends and has been following me all over Canterlot for the past two days. To think that the mare who you liked is also a mare who wants to see me in leg irons are the same... this is just peachy."

Ditzy's shoulders fall "And... I told her all of my theories on space and technology... she's probably the one who told Princess Celestia about my generators... I co-signed the lease to her house out of the friendship we had..."

I bite my lips "I... I haven't known her too long, but I can't say I can trust her either. I think it might be best if we just-"

Midnight grits his teeth "She made my best friend cry... betrayed her trust and more... that is a thing I can't overlook. You can hurt me all you want, I don't care, but you hurt a friend of mine? I will hunt you down and make you pay."

I stop him "Midnight, revenge isn't something that anyone should do."

He looks at me with his cold, empty, ice-blue eyes and I suppress a chill "It'd be revenge if Ditzy or Lyra did it, I'm just enacting justice on one who has done ill to those I care for. I will take no joy or amusement from what I am about to do, but it is necessary."

"No. She's the one who hurt me, and I think that I should be the one to get some answers. Midnight, don't follow me, I'm going to go alone. That goes for both of you two as well. I'm doing this alone."

She walks out of the room and down the corridor, her head held firm.

Once the door shuts, Midnight rubs his face "Urgh... that was an ordeal in itself..."

Ditzy cocks her head "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I had no idea if it would work or not. Lucky for me, it did. Honestly, did you really think I would do something?"

Both of us nod and he chuckles "Apparently I'm a good actor. I roughed her up to get Lyra to realize what made her hurt the most, Bonbon's betrayal. And I said and did all of that to get her to take matters into her own hands once she realized that she didn't want Bonbon to be hurt by someone who doesn't know what happed on the level she does. It's simple manipulation and it worked perfectly."

Ditzy frowns, poking his chest "And were The Doctor and I part of your plan?"

"Nope, I really meant what I said when we joined up, she needs to know that she has friends."

Ditzy stares at his face for any sign of deceit and sighs, obviously not finding any "That's not what a friend does."

"'A good friend tells you everything is going to be okay, a true friend will help you solve your problems and takes you out for drinks later'. I read that in one of Luna's books I think."

I sigh "Come on, I suppose we have to go and make sure everything is... somewhat normal."

Midnight grins "See? The house is still standing and otherwise unharmed. I told you everything is going to be fine."

Ditzy presses her ear to the door "... and there seems to be talking..."

Midnight brushes past Ditzy and opens the door "Lyra! Bonbon! You trying to kill each other?!"

Ditzy and I run to him, glaring "What are you doing?!"

He blinks and shrugs "Being direct. And if they didn't want others walking in, they should lock their doors."

Ditzy picks up a scorched knob "Uhm... I think Lyra blew off the mechanism when she came here. So the door couldn't be locked."

He rolls his eyes "Well they should've removed the other half of the lock from the outside and put a wedge under the door to keep it locked. Anyways, they haven't responded so that means one of two things. One: they didn't hear me. Two, they are engaging in something strenuous and can't spare the oxygen to respond."

"'Something strenuous'?" I ask, confused.

"That mean one of three thing my dear Doctor; sex, combat, and slash or they've yelled so much they're out of breath."

Ditzy shudders "Lyra!! Bonbon!! Where are-"

A door in front of midnight opens and Lyra sticks her head out, her mane even further disheveled "Don't you understand what a sock on the door means?!"

Midnight shrugs "I think I lost my recognition for social norms and trends with my memories. What does it mean?"

Lyra blushes "Just... go home Midnight, I've got it taken care of."

He smiles "Alrighty then! Come on Doc and Ditzy, I suggest we go get some celebratory sweets."

I wave to Lyra who shoos us away "That was... interesting."

Ditzy nods, blushing "Yeah... but Midnight was right, it did work out for the best."

"Yes, I suppose it did somehow..." I mutter Somehow he has understanding of psychology, yet states he doesn't understand social morays. He has excellent intuition and knowledge of technology, yet has no explanation for it. He doesn't seem to want to remember who he is, yet somehow discovers parts it. He's doing the exact opposite of what most would do in his situation, and still comes out on top. He's clever, no doubt about that, but he's almost too clever. He befriended two apparently powerful and intelligent ponies, and yet has the tact of an infant.

Could his amnesia be an act?

Sighing, I follow him to an brightly colored shoppe "What is this place?"

"Beats the ever evolving chaotic eddies in a perfect system out of me. Maud said that she wanted to introduce me to her sister. Hey! I have knowledge of chaos theory! Wooo! I'm a member of an esoteric study!" He pumps a hoof in the air.

"... Okay, what's the worst that could happen?" I mutter, rolling my eyes ... Or maybe he's a complete genius with no memories.

Author's Note

Next time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run anymore...

"The spirits are back! They've possessed the appliances!!" Pinkie Pie yells, galloping out of the bakery.

"What does she-"

"Scanning. Enemy identified. The Doctor." a mechanical voice monotones and my blood runs cold "N-no... not possible..."

I slowly turn towards the voice and though brightly colored and different, I recognize the 'Spirit'.

"Delete! Delete! Delete!"

The Nanos

If I had to sum the shoppe we were in in one word, it'd be "Pink."

Pink walls, pink ceiling, Pink pony... Pink everywhere.

Midnight squints "I believe all of this bright pinkness has blinded me. Pity, I was quite attached to my sense of sight."

Ditzy rolls her eyes "It's just Sucarcube Corner."

"I have to agree with Midnight Ditzy, this place is... too brightly coloured."

The Pink mare somehow hops over the counter with a cartoonish springing noise "Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!-"

"I noticed" Midnight mutters, grinning.

"-And welcome to Sugarcube Corner! What can I get you?"

Ditzy grins "I'd like a croissant and three blueberry muffins."

I shrug "An English muffin and Earl Grey tea."

Midnight grins and points to a bland, bored looking pony, the only neutral coloured thing in the whole store "How much is that pony in the window?"

Pinkie and he maintain straight faces for a few seconds before erupting into laughter.

I turn to Ditzy "Did I... miss something?"

Ditzy shrugs "Hay if I know."

After they stopped laughing, Midnight introduced the mare as Maud Pie, Pinkie's eldest sister.

"She's my second friend, but only by a few seconds."

She nods and turns to me "Hello."

She seems as fun as a wet blanket. I think to myself and Midnight hugs her with his free arm "I would never have guessed you were related to such a... unique pony Maud."

Ditzy smiles "Ponyville is full of unique ponies. Like Princess Twilight."

I nod "Or Bonbon, that'd she'd be some type of MI5 agent."

"MI what now?" Ditzy asks.

"The queen's royal espionage and black-ops corps." Midnight replies, yawning.

"How did you know that?"

"The blue lady told me." he replies, pointing in a random direction.

"'Blue lady'?" I ask.

"Do you mean The TARDIS?" Ditzy asks, cocking her head.

He shrugs "If that's what you want to call her, then sure, why not?"

Pinkie walks over to us and places our orders on the table "Anything else?"

Midnight sniffs his coffee "Nope, thank you Ms. Pie."

Pinkie snorts "My mother's Ms. Pie, I'm just Pinkie."

"Do you mean to say that The TARDIS spoke to you?" I ask, a chill going down my spine.

He shakes his head "Not in that sense Turner, the lady needed a mouth piece to stop you from doing something stupid. I think because I have no memories, it made me the best candidate, no psychic interference and all that."

Ditzy bites into her muffin "So, The TARDIS argued with the Doctor?"

"In a sense, It was like I was a telephone, I don't do the talking, I just relay the message in real time. Unfortunately, I can't remember most of what happened but I think she showed me how to make that receiver to get the message from the Shadow Migration."

I sigh "Wonderful, my own ship thinks I'm stupid..."

Ditzy pats me on the back "You aren't stupid Doctor, you were a little... scared is all."

Snorting, I sip my tea "I don't get scared."

Ditzy starts to say something but Midnight whips his head towards the kitchen "I have a feeling... that something very scary is coming. Something cold as metal..."

"The spirits are back! They've possessed the appliances!!" Pinkie Pie yells, galloping out of the bakery.

"What does she-"

"Scanning. Enemy identified. The Doctor." a mechanical voice monotones and my blood runs cold "N-no... not possible..."

I slowly turn towards the voice and though brightly colored and different, I recognize the 'Spirit'.

Standing on feet made of toasters, legs made of rusted cooling tubes from an industrial freezer. it's chest a large oven, several floating embers bounce within like slow-motion fireflies. The head is a blender and the arms are industrial mixers "Delete! Delete! Delete!"

"Cyber!" I yell, following Pinkie out of the store, Ditzy behind me.

"Doctor! What was-"

"That was a Cyberman... made out of baking appliances. But how-"

It flies through the windows of the bakery, and falls onto it's back "Mobility has been compromised. Damage to energy cells minimal..."

"Whoo! Nice kick Maud!" Midnight whoops, the tacit mare walking calmly out of the bakery "... It was nothing.

Ditzy pokes the Cyber's chest "Do we... take it apart or something?"

Midnight gallops over and wrenches the head off, the lights over the Cyber's body dimming "Take that metal head!"

"... Nevermind."

After dragging the remains of the Cyber to Ditzy's basement, Midnight coughs "Okay, we know that ever part of a Cyberman has the power to rebuild into another Cyber unit. So somehow a single piece must've gotten to Sugarcube Corner a little before we got there, right?"

I nod, inspecting the dented oven "Yes, but we've taken it apart piece by piece, and there isn't a single alien element present."

Midnight taps his chin "What if... this is a puppet, an avatar? What if something was controlling the whole construct to test our reactions, but didn't anticipate you being there. Because look, there's no brain in here. It's just a hollow shell, completely synthetic"

I pause "That's... brilliant! Ditzy!"

She salutes "I'll go to the TARDIS and look for the source of the signal!" she takes flight.

"... Wow, she's pretty smart." Midnight whistles, inspecting the blender head of the Cyber "If she can get the source, we get the one pulling this guy's strings... but that still raises the question of whether or not it will want to be found, considering it could just take over any tech we have near us, including the TARDIS's scanners. Do you know of anyone with a considerable cache of technology?"

Maud shakes her head "Most ponies' appliances utilize Mana crystals to power them, rather than electricity like the majority of these devices."

I nod and start pacing "Be that as it may, there's still the chance that something could be using the Cybermen's adaptive abilities."

Midnight taps his chin in thought "What if... it was looking to get closer to the original part in order to complete itself and start creating more Cybers? From what you said, it needs an organic brain most of the time in order to adapt at a fairly decent rate; which is why this one was so easy to defeat."

Maud raises her hoof "What if it was both testing our defenses and trying to start an invasion?"

I start to reply but the TARDIS appears in the middle of the basement "Doctor! I know where it is and it isn't good! It's at Vinyl and Octavia's house!"

Midnight cocks his head "Vinyl? You mean DJ PON-3? Oh crap on an unsalted cracker!"

I usher Ditzy out of the TARDIS and we all gallop to the home of the aforementioned musicians.

Midnight tackles the door, startling Ms. Octavia "What are you- Time Turner? Ditzy? What are you two-"

"No time! Where's Vinyl?!"

"I-in the basement, working on one of her devices, why?"

Midnight motions for the rest of us to go and starts explaining to the stunned cellist.

Maud leads but pauses and sniffs the air "Hold on. There's something coming."

Ditzy twitches her ears and nods "It sounds like feedback..."

As if on cue, a blast of blue energy sails over us "Biological units confirmed. Preparing- aaaaaauuurgh...."

Maud jumps and punches the unseen Cyber, shattering its head "Prepare yourself for termination." she monotones.

Ditzy shivers "Remind me to never get on Maud's bad side."

The aforementioned mare nods to us "I'll take point, Ditzy, you focus on the air disturbances, Doctor, you focus on trying to find a way to shut them down."

Ditzy salutes "Roger!"

She nods and opens a door, slowly moving down the steps before pausing "... Excuse me for a moment."

Before either one of us can respond, she leaps backwards and tackles Ditzy and I to the floor, an electric blue-blast sailing over us from behind and hitting a Cybermat at the bottom of the steps "What the-"

Midnight pants, a Cyberman's arm in his hooves "Happy to... see me?"

Maud gapes at him in shock "What is..."

"I tore off the arm of that Cyber you got. Come on, no one puts my friends in danger." He hefts the arm to the stairs "Come... on."

I follow in awe "How did-"

"I borrowed your screwdriver a few seconds ago. Sorry." he pulls out my sonic screwdriver from within the arm "Works like a trigger I guess. Come on, I can't carry this for too long..."

Ditzy inspects the arm "Isn't that dangerous?"

"Not as dangerous going in there un-armed. Get it? Un-armed?" He chuckles "Because I tore off its arm? Ah screw you, I'm funny."

I roll my eyes "Never mind, I suggest you take point along with Maud."

He salutes with the arm "Aye Aye Doctor!"

Ditzy smiles and taps my shoulder "Is this what it's always like with you Doctor?"

"Well, there's more running away involved but basically, yes."

Midnight stares up at a blast door "Okay... how do we get past that?"

Maud nods to him and rears up on her back legs "I'll kick it down."

I shake my head "That's a six inch thick blast door that opens on the inside. Nothing short of several rounds of depleted Uranium shells would pierce that."

Midnight sighs and rears up as well "Well, we don't have any other options Doctor. Maud, on three. One, two... Three!!" Both of them buck their back legs, the sound of metal bending filling the silence in the hallway.

A large dent where Maud had kicked it floors me "H-how did you-"

"I'm gifted with immense Earth Pony magic, like Tactile Telekinesis." Maud replies.

"Or super strength for short." Midnight says, rubbing his hoof "Okay, I'm not suited for that... Maud, do you think you can- DUCK!!!"

He tackles us to the ground, the whole door flying over us as if thrown.

Which, coincidently, it was. By Maud "I got the door out of the way."

"Ditzy... remind me never to get on Maud's bad side." I mutter and Midnight nods, biting his lip "Me too... Never let me tick her off."

Maud shrugs and lifts Midnight off of me and Ditzy, who groans "This tackling has to stop... it's starting to hurt."

Ditzy nods, giggling "Yeah, I can barely feel my wings. Spa day after this?"

I sigh "Why not? I haven't had a day to relax in... the last near millennium."

"Move it mares! We have a friend in trouble!" Midnight yells, firing the arm again "Gah... Doctor! Do you know how many shots this thing has?! They're getting weaker!"

I nod to Ditzy and she takes flight, leading the way "Seemingly indefinite, but since it isn't part of a whole unit, it most likely has half a dozen blasts."

He groans "Great, I have about three or four left. Do you have a fix on the artifact Ms. Doo?"

We enter the actual basement and "Basement" is a gross understatement.

Several hundred kilometers of concrete flooring and mechanical pieces are strewn around the available space, amplifiers, workbenches, robotic assembly arms, crates full of components, everything an engineer would need.

But one thing puzzles me "Where are the Cybermen?"

Midnight looks around, shielding his eyes with the arm "Very good question... More importantly, where's Maud?"

Ditzy takes flight, surveying the whole room "Uhm... according to what the TARDIS said, it should be right in the middle of the floor, but I don't see anything."

Midnight looks at the arm and "Do you think that this has an automatic 'Return to home' function?"

"Most likely, can you return my screwdriver?"

He nods and passes it to me, dropping the arm onto the floor.

I point my sonic at it and a light on the side of the arm turns from blue red and it disintegrates and for a split second, the walls shift.

Midnight flares his wings and I nearly drop my sonic "Doctor... I think the walls are alive... literally."

I nod and suppress a shiver "Nanobots... that's new."

He bites his lip, looking around "... And they covered up the door. Great, Maud's MIA and neither one of us are capable of fighting an inexhaustible enemy."

Ditzy cocks her head "Why aren't they attacking?"

Midnight taps his chin and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a compass "The whole room is an electromagnet. They can't form into whole units or even components because the magnetism is messing with their formation. They can't attack."

"And the ones we fought were the lucky few who were able to escape the pull and that's why they were so weak, they're hollow!"

Ditzy taps her chin in thought "But what about Maud and Vinyl?"

"I can... help with that... question..." Maud monotones, a portion of the wall shifting to reveal a door "I am... in control... now."

Midnight cocks his head "Why are you pausing when you talk? And How- Oh... that's not good."

I walk over to him and my jaw drops "Wh-what in..."

Maud stands, her limbs covered with Cyber augmentations. Her legs encased in Cyberman armor and on her chest is an emotional inhibitor, but it's dented and burnt. Her arms are also covered with Cyber machinery, but clawed and stop just below her elbows.

Midnight swallows "You've... become the... Cyber Queen?"

She nods, walking towards us.

I instinctively jump back and Ditzy hovers a few feet higher, but Midnight smiles and extends a hoof "I'm guessing that the danger level is lessened with you in control, right?"

She nods and points to the emotional inhibitor "This is the artifact we were looking for. I broke it when they tried to convert me." She flexes her new fingers "It was very rude of them."

Midnight nods and takes flight, hugging Maud "I knew that it'd take more than just some evil space robots to beat you Maud. So... are you going to go mad with power or are you just going to show us where Vinyl is?"

She nods "Follow me."

Midnight shrugs and follows "Hey, how come they didn't tear your dress?"

"They did, I just used some of the nanobots to repair the fabric. And the inhibitor is a nice medallion as well." she replies before turning back to Ditzy and I "Are you coming?"

Ditzy nods hesitantly "Yeah... It's just a bit... odd."

I nod "Yes, I think we'll stay here."

Midnight groans "Come on guys! Maud is in control here, why are you acting like she's untrustworthy? Where's your sense of adventure and scientific curiosity?"

Ditzy frowns, crossing her arms "I do have scientific curiosity! But there's a difference between that and stupidity!"

He blinks "Really? Well, if hanging with a friend who just gained control over a whole army of nanobots is stupid, then let me be the biggest dope on the face of the planet."

I sigh "You're going to keep taunting us like a child on a playground, aren't you?"

He nods "Preeeeetty much, yeah. So, what do you say Doc? How about we just stop with this back and forth and just finish saving the day?"

I reluctantly follow, Ditzy tailing me "Doctor, are sure about this?"

"As sure as I am when usually facing down possible death."

She turns my reply over in her head "Okay, I trust your judgment."

Famous last words Ditzy, 'I trust you Doctor'...

Vinyl silently groans, several nanobots swarming over her "I found her bleeding from her ribs and a number of scorch marks on her torso and hind legs. Most likely she tried to fight them off and just barely managed to turn on the electromagnet. I'm using the nanites to close her wounds. It's going to scar, but I think that's preferable to death. I'm not a doctor of medicine, so I can only do so much." she turns to me "Can you help?"

I sigh "I'm not a doctor of medicine, I'm just The Doctor. It's a name, not proof of an actual profession."

Ditzy raises her hoof "I have a doctorate in physiology... but I'm not a surgeon."

Midnight nods and ushers her closer "Come then, just say what needs to be done, and the nanites will execute the command."

I grab Midnight and drag him out of earshot "Why are you going along with what Maud says?! For all we know, she's the one who hurt Vinyl!"

He blinks several times and shrugs "From what I understand of Maud, is that she's shy, and in the past, she's only acted violently if someone else was in danger. That and the emotional inhibitor's basic functions have been deactivated and she's in control of the nanobots. That and the fact that she's left herself wide open for attack is proof that she's genuine. If you can't trust your friends, who can you?"

I sigh "That's childish thinking Midnight, she could be under the control of the very nanobots she's wearing."

"The nanobots in the room were inactive."

"Who says she can't reactivate them?!"

He chuckles "Are you always such a cynic? Trust me, we're good. Well, except maybe Vinyl, but she's wounded."

"How can you be so trusting? Are you really that foolish?"

He shrugs "I trust because my gut tells me to, I'm not going to over analyze things just so that I can look over my shoulder for the next boogeyman waiting to jump me." He walks back to Maud and Ditzy "That is no way to live Doctor."

Ditzy sighs, lifting Vinyl onto her back "She needs to rest, but she's fine."

I nod and point to the door "What about the naites? They can't just sit here."

Maud walks through the door and removes the inhibitor "Cover your eyes..."

Midnight covers both of our eyes, Ditzy covers hers with her wings "Why are we closing our eyes?"

Suddenly, the whole room is filled with light and the sound of burning paper.

"You can open your eyes now."

Midnight lowers his arms and I rub my eyes in disbelief.

"The nanites are gone?"

"Yes, I had each one self-destruct and incinerate themselves. They're not even dust now. You might want to vacuum though."

Midnight laughs "That is genius! But before we do anything else, we need to get Vinyl to her bed, which I hope wasn't stripped to make more nanites, that would suck."

Ditzy carefully carries Vinyl up the stairs, Maud moving the discarded door she tore off with ease.

Midnight walks up to me "You seem contemplative Doctor, what's on your mind?"

"You, mostly." I reply.

He chuckles "I'm flattered, really I am Doctor, but I don't think either of us swing that way."

I grit my teeth "That's not what I meant. You and Maud and... this whole place make no sense to me!"

He sighs "Learn to take a joke Doctor. But I suppose that for an educated man like you, you might have no idea how a world like this works. And if it makes you feel any better, most things here make no sense to me either. I can't begin to fathom how such a world came to be, and how it functions at the deepest levels. But I think that there's one sensible thing here, and that's the friendships we make."

"Friendship? Are you sure you aren't a child?"

He shakes his head and points to his cutie mark, a card with a black oval in the center "This is a Duel Monsters card, a game that cherishes the bonds we make with our friends, and that no matter how bleak the present, so long as you have a card to draw, you can see it through to your future. Friendship may seem infantile to you, but to me, and from what I've seen of these ponies, they feel the same. Whether it's because of the fact equines are herd creatures, or something as simple as the life lessons we have when we're with friends, it doesn't matter. What does is the simple fact that we will always have friends, no matter what." he smiles "And Doctor? If you keep running around all of time and space, Ditzy, Lyra, and I will chase you down and smother you with friendship. That's a promise."

I snort beside myself "You mean you'd build a time and space machine just to give me a speech?"

He nods, his face serious "Yup. Definitely."

I shake my head at the image of it and sigh "You are a unique one Midnight."

He beams, rubbing a hoof on his chest as if polishing it "Yeah, I know. And so are you Doctor.

After placing Vinyl in a bed and receiving "Thank you"s from Ms. Octavia, we walk through Ponyville, the sun having set minutes prior.

Midnight clears his throat and turns to all of us "So... I don't know about you, but I never got my celebratory sweets... wanna hit up Sugarcube corner?"

We stare at him before starting to pelt him with dirt "Why?! Ow! Hey! I'm just- Ow!! Stop throwin- pppbth! I swallowed dirt!! Gah!"

Author's Note

Next time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run anymore...

Several of the marble beams crumble behind us, the sounds of the enraged townsponies drowning out the sound of the bubbling beakers and machinery "Doctor..." Ditzy whimpers, cowering from the door "We need to go..."

Alka Hest and I look up from the readouts "We just need a few more seconds!"

The point of an axe breaks through the solid wooden door, and Ditzy grabs me by the shoulders "Doctor!! We don't have the time!! Can't we just cart this stuff into the TARDIS?!"

Before either of us can answer, the doors groan on their hinges, a battering ram slamming into them "Just a few more..."

Alka stands up and adjusts his glasses "I can hold them off for a little bit, finish the experiment... ALLONS-Y!!"

Science...

"3/5 socket oscillator." I say and Ditzy passes me one "Thank you."

"No problem Doctor. I'm so amazed by The TARDIS, you know? Completely sentient, compressed and hidden. But if she has a perception filter, why does she have a chameleon circuit too?"

"For two reasons, 5/7 wrench, one, because although a blue police box might not seem to be all that noticeable in a place and time where they'd be common, without the perception filter, everyone would see it as something greatly out of place unless they were looking for it specifically." I reply, tightening the rear stabilizers. "Secondly, the chameleon circuit acts as a primary dimensional compressor. Without it, the actual compressor would be overtaxed keeping the TARDIS' actual size and volume within the dimensions set into it."

"I guess that makes sense, but if she's so massive, how come there's never a massive gravitational difference between the projected dimensions and the actual, uncompressed dimensions?"

I pause and slide out from within the engine's casings "I... you know what, I haven't the slightest clue. It never occurred to me how the differences worked on the physics outside of The TARDIS. If I had to guess, the actual gravity and mass is divided between every point in space and time instead at where it currently is."

She nods "That sounds logical." something beeps above me "What's that?"

I look around "It... appears to be a deactivated Cybermat. I wonder how long it's been there?"

She takes it and sonics it open "No flesh or organs, so it's a robot. But how could it get into The TARDIS in the first place?"

"Well, the cybers had gotten in once, I suppose this is the one that got away from me. Interesting, you know, if we could reprogram it, it could act as a Trojan horse- err..."

"Trotjan statue." Ditzy corrects "But if it's old, wouldn't they recognize an older version of their own Cybermats, and destroy it before it could cause damage?"

I nod "There's a great likelihood of that, yes. But what else could we use it for? It's not very versatile except for infiltration."

She grins "I have an idea!"

I watch the Cybermat glide around the hardwood floor of Carrot Top's kitchen "You... you turned it into a Roomba?"

"A what?" she asks, still watching it.

"An autonomous vacuum. They slide around and clean up floors."

"Oh... oh! So they had them on Earth?"

"Yes, but I suppose... in a sense, Cybermats are malicious Roombas..." Suppose I never saw the... similarities.

She smiles and picks it up "I just wanted a way to clean up the floor. Brooms and my wings are a pain."

"Do you use your wings for everything?"

She nods "Pretty much. I'm just using what abilities nature gave me."

"I suppose that makes sense, but-"

The front door opens and Lyra walks in, a Viking helmet and moccasins on her hooves "Happy Leaf Erring day!! Hinga Dinga Dorgen!!"

"Happy what day?" I ask, stunned by her costume.

"Leaf Erring day!" she replies, reaching into her saddlebags and producing a battle axe and two different helmets "It's a minotaur holiday celebrating the scientist and sea faring king, Leaf Erring! So I decided to take part and put on my Nordic helmet and got out my boots! Now I'm going to go conquer a superstition with logic and blunt force!"

Ditzy takes a helmet and puts it on "Sounds like fun! Come on, Doctor! We have science and pillaging to do!"

"I lost my interest in Vikings after a few debacles with an ancient evil and slumbering Haemovores."

"Sealed in a flask in the third century of Celestia's rule?" lyra asks, levitating the last helmet onto my head.

"Yes, actually, how did you-"

"Ancient Minoan myth, giant ethereal wolf with the power to destroy the world, but needs a host to act effectively. I learned about it in my studies abroad, I didn't see the flask, but they said it was buried in a remote cave in the side of a mountain and said to never go looking for it." Lyra replies "I know when to avoid things for my own good. I just ignore that and go on with what I was doing."

I smirk "Sounds like myself, in a sense."

She grins "Adventure! Come on, I want to go investigate the well on the top of Grey's Knoll!"

We follow her, and a small twinge of fear prickles at the base of my spine That's not a good sign...

"Okay, I found a few dead snakes, some newspapers, and a whole bunch of bits and rocks." Lyra calls from the bottom of the well.

Ditzy looks down "No monsters or treasure?"

"Unless you count, like, five hundred bits, no. Wait! Some of the stones are loose! I'm going to remove th- SWEET GODS ABOVE!!"

"What?!" I call, starting to pull her up.

"Wait! I found a thingy! It's a glass thingy! With an object inside... don't quote me on this, but it looks like a message in a bottle." her horn glows brighter "... Never mind, quote me all you want, it's definitely a message in a bottle."

Ditzy and I look at each other with confusion "A message in a bottle?" she mouths.

"Apparently." I mouth back, half unsure, and half excited.

The sound of shuffling hooves draws us back to the well "Guys, I'm going to inspect the remaining bricks. Floating you the bottle now in a dark cloth, in case it's light sensitive."

"Has that happened before?" I call down, and a bottle-esque shape floats up to us in a thin golden aura.

"You'd be surprised how fast old things deteriorate in light, Doctor. Okay, the next two bricks are loose too, and..." she pauses "A box, like a jewelry box or something, and a..." she pauses "Book. From the Golden Oaks library."

"The library? But how-"

"Search me, I'm coming up, we need to go to my lab or The TARDIS."

"Lab." I say instantly and Lyra groans in mock disappointment.

She yanks the cork stopper off of the bottle and sets it next to a piece of paper "Okay, I'm going to transfer the words and images onto the blank paper."

"How are you-" her horn flashes and she levitates both papers to me "That's how. Pretty neat, right?"

Both papers are exactly the same in content, but one is yellowed and thinner "Yes, that actually is pretty neat. I suppose I'll just come to you instead of getting something Xeroxed."

"'What-roxed'?" Lyra and Ditzy ask in unison.

"It's a company that made copying papers and documents commercial. And the built-in stapler too."

Lyra taps her chin in contemplation "... You'll have to show me how some day, we still use magic or the automatic printing press."

I nod "I can tell, most of the books are bound by paste and thread."

She smiles "You can tell just by looking at the spines?"

"No, I borrowed an atlas from Ditzy earlier."

Ditzy smiles "So what's the message say?"

Lyra shakes her head "Sorry, got distracted. Ahem, 'Whomever has found this message, be warned, the script within has beguiled many in both sense of the word.' what...?"

"The modern form means to deceive or enchant. The archaic form means to help time pass." I supply proudly.

Lyra whistles "Lexicography, nice choice of study. Good for word puzzles and riddles, kind of impractical too." she clears her throat again "'If you choose to accept this testimony as truth, you must have two more items that I have secreted away. A journal and a bag that I've placed next to this bottle.

"'There is a large store of information to be found at the end of this quest, one that has claimed the lives of most of the aforementioned beguiled. The information is of a stallion who is forever lost to record, an anomaly in history.' Sounds like you, Doctor."

"I think so too." I mutter, a chill running down my spine.

"'In the journal you will find all of the reports and information we have, and in the bag is something that I made to help me find this anomalic individual.' That's all it says, no name, no nothing."

I pick up the book and open to the first page "'Seventh month, twenty third sunrise, year eight hundred twenty five of Celestia's rule. There has been a sighting of a stranger with magic the colors of the rainbow seen around town. I have yet to see any proof of this claim, but those who have seen make me believe the sightings to be genuine.

"'While coat, mane, and eye colors are unknown, each witness claims that this 'Rainbow Spectre's' cutie mark is a black spiral. None of us know what it signifies, and fewer still could get close enough to ask before they were blinded by a flash of light like that of a unicorn's teleport, but the Spectre hasn't a horn.' Well, that's... interesting."

Ditzy takes the book "'Eighth month, first sunrise, year eight hundred and twenty five of Celestia's rule. The sightings of the spectre have been decreasing, so either it is hiding, or gone. A Canterlot professor came to town today, a dark green unicorn named Bio Lateral. He says that whatever it is, it's an omen of great importance, and that something grand is on the horizon. I hope he's wrong.' The next passage is in a different hoofwriting... '4th moonrise of the 8th month in the 825th year of Luna's banishment. I am writing in the journal for the sake of posterity, as the previous writer entrusted me with all of their work as well as notations. I have no doubt that The Duel Knight's appearance isn't coincidence.'"

I pick up the bag and root through it carefully, pulling a small box made of gold and lacquered wood from within "This is a symbol I haven't seen in a while..."

Lyra illuminates the box and inspects it "What? The eye thing?"

"The eye of Osiris, a symbol of omnipotence and power given by the gods of Egypt to their kings and queens. A protective talisman, if you will."

"'12th moonrise of the 8th month in the 826th year of Luna's banishment. The appearances had stopped several months ago, but I still follow leads as they come. I have found one place that seems to have significance to The Knight. A tall, isolated mansion."

Ditzy drops the book, shivering "I hope he's not talking about the haunted Willow's Tear mansion..."

Lyra rolls her eyes "You could be fighting a manticore, and it won't faze you; throw in a ghost or something, you turn into a scaredy-cat."

"Ditzy, ghosts don't exist! I'm sure that whatever is going on in that house is perfectly logical." I say, trying to comfort Ditzy.

She shivers and nods weakly "I know... but something tells me there's something wicked there."

Lyra cackles "Beware the spiders that walk like a pony, fear the hunched witch who they call 'Mother'. Come on Ditzy, if there was something there, I'd know about it."

She smiles weakly and nods "Yeah... nothing but an old mare's tale meant to frighten foals...

"What is so special about the house?" I ask.

"Besides being the only remaining mansion from before The Great Heart's Warming? Let's see... it's built from ancient frost willow wood, a formerly extinct species of hydrophilic tree native to the Crystal empire that can suck nutrients from ice crystals and never freeze, most of the owners who tried to live there complain of poltergeist activity, apparitions, nightmares, and illogical noises coming from places in the mansion itself... I just think that's all in their imaginations, but what do I know?"

"You're telling me that there's a formerly extinct species of tree?"

Lyra nods "Up until about three or four years ago, the Crystal Empire was trapped in a rift in space time, every single pony there trapped in a sleep curse until it reappeared where it once stood. The species was considered extinct because no one thought that the Crystal Empire'd return. It can only survive there according to the arborists that scrambled to study it."

I nod "Sounds like nothing more than superstition and a few other logical phenomena."

Ditzy smiles weakly "So... I suppose that we're going to go investigate?"

Lyra nods "Yup."

Ditzy pushes the door open "Wonderful, it's unlocked... that isn't suspect at all."

I whip out my sonic and Lyra lights her horn "Keep that thing pointed away from my horn, Doctor; I kind of need it if I'm going to levitate stuff."

"Why would that matter?"

"Imagine your sonic was your horn, and I used a microwave generator on it." she replies flatly "Boom."

I nod "Ah... I'll be careful. Ditzy, are you coming?"

She smiles weakly again "I'll... just stand guard, if it's all the same to you two."

Lyra rolls her eyes "Come on Derpy, it's a grand adventure, I promise that if we have to fight a monster or something, I'll fight it off."

"And if it's a hoard of the undead?"

"I will run away screaming." she replies, dragging Ditzy into the house by the tail "Now, are you going to be a foal, or are you a mare who pays taxes and kicks butt?"

"I'm none of those things." I mutter, walking past her to inspect an end table "Odd... you'd expect that looters or vagrants would've done something to this place..."

"Nah, the youth in town are usually too busy with jobs and usually go to other cities to get into trouble there. The problem with small towns, everyone knows what you do in your free time. Except me, but that's because I'm never out of my house for recreation."

"Hm, so you're a hermit?"

She whips her head to glare at me "I am not a hermit! I am an anti-social scientist and historian! I have to work from home to keep my grants for my research! Sheesh! Some people!"

Ditzy giggles "You know what this place might have? Hidden levers and passages."

"You watch too many mysteries and horror movies Ditzy." I say, scanning the area around us when my sonic beeps "What the... it's never 'beep'ed before."

"Is that bad?" Ditzy asks, her forehead knit in confusion.

"No.. well, it's not good, either, but I can't exactly say that it's bad." I reply, tapping it on a table "I don't know what it means."

Lyra's horn glows brighter and she acts as if scanning the hallway "Okay, there's a small disturbance in space, like a pocket of space that we're outside of..."

I nod, getting a proper reading "Yes, but how do we open it?"

She shrugs "I usually mess around and it opens when I do something right."

Ditzy taps the floorboards, thinking "What if we use the sonic to open a small hole in the condensed real-time space distortion so you can widen it?"

The both of us turn to Ditzy and each other "Why... why didn't I think of that?" we mutter in unison.

She smiles "I'm just guessing, really."

I nod and raise my sonic "There's a weak point about... here." a shimmering blue shape floats in mid-air and the outline is suddenly gold as Lyra opens it "Okay... hold onto your lunch!"

The sound of water rushing follows, a wave of dark blue energy spreads throughout the house, traveling over every inch of it.

Lyra rubs her eyes "Okay... that was bright..." she looks around "Hey, nothing happened."

I scan the hallway "No, there's no pocket space, whatever it was, it's opened now."

Ditzy gasps "Gh-Gh-Ghoooost!!!"

I whip around and level my sonic at a floating blue-white figure "Identify yourself!"

The figure turns to me and soulless, black pits for eyes stare back at me, a pale, gaunt face stretched over a skull "You... are not... welcome!!!"

It shrieks and darts towards me and I duck, scanning it before it phases through a wall "What in the name of-"

Ditzy grabs me, hugging my chest tightly "Doctor! It was a ghost! Please, can't we just go to someplace else and look for something not undead!?"

I escape her grasp "Ditzy, I'm sure that it wasn't a ghost or anything! Ghosts don't exist!"

She whimpers "Then what was it?! A group hallucination? A trick of the light, the house settling?! That was without a doubt, a ghost!!"

Lyra steps between us "Doctor, did you get a read on it?"

I nod and check the Sonic's readings "It... that's strange, it says that whatever we saw wasn't there."

Ditzy frowns deeper "I knew it! I don't care what you say, I'm going home!!"

Lyra grabs her tail in her magic "Ditzy! Never try to leave the house before the end of the movie! Don't be that pony, no one wants to be that pony."

She turns to Lyra "This isn't a movie, this is real life!!"

Lyra yanks on her tail and Ditzy squeaks pathetically "Look, how many times have facts from movies saved us from harm?"

"... Always." Ditzy sighs.

Lyra nods and releases her tail "And running away never works out well. Now, whatever that condensed space was, it must've made the ghost visible to us, instead of invisible, as it must've been."

I nod slowly "I still don't think that it's a ghost... but you're right."

Diaty whimpers "I'm just going on record that I don't want to be here."

"Come on Derpy, you've got the chance to face your fears! If you can face and conquer your fears, then you're a true hero. A hero doesn't lack fear, they use it to survive." Lyra says, grinning.

I nod "That's right. Say this when you're afraid, 'I ain't afraid of no ghost.'"

"I- I ain't not afraid of no ghost..."

"Again." I instruct.

"I ain't afraid of no ghost."

"What was that?" Lyra asks, winking at me.

"I ain't afraid of no ghost!" she yells, grinning.

"That's what I thought!" Lyra cheers "Now let's go find a ghost!"

Lyra looks around the master bedroom "Nothing here, no ghosts, no treasure. Just dust."

Ditzy walks towards a closet "Maybe there's something here?"

Lyra grabs the handle, but it doesn't move "Locked, Doctor?"

"Right." I sonic it open and something thuds against the door "Erm... I only undid the lock, I swear."

Lyra nudges Ditzy back and grabs the knob in her magic, opening it and jumping back "Aha!!"

A dusty white ball rolls out, covered in pink and lavender streaks "A... football?" I ask, nudging it with my hoof.

Lyra rolls her eyes and prods it with her hoof "Come on Sweetie, I know it's you."

It uncurls and two peridot irises blink at us shyly "Eheheh..."

Ditzy crosses her forehooves "Where are the other two?"

"Other two what?" I ask, confused.

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders." Ditzy clarifies.

Sweetie sighs and points above us.

I look up and hanging in the ceiling by suction cups is an orange Pegasus with a purple mane "Sell out!" she yells.

Ditzy flies up and grabs the writhing Pegasus "Okay, so where's Applebloom?"

"Applebloom? Isn't she the filly I helped with her clock some time ago?"

"The same" Ditzy replies, tucking the filly under her arm like a package "So, I guess that now that there are fillies involved, we have to go home?"

"Nonsense! They're probably more sensitive to the paranormal than Time Turner here, Mr. 'No-such-things-as-ghosts'."

I roll my eyes "That hardly matters, we need to find Ms. Apple-"

A loud shriek drowns me out and both fillies gasp "Applebloom!!"

Lyra nods and tosses Sweetie to Ditzy "You're the fastest of the three of us, you take the back, Turner, you and I lead."

I nod and we dash out of the room, and another shriek resounds through the house, spurring us to move faster.

Lyra turns and blasts a door down, charging in with her horn glowing bright "Applebloom?! Are you in- whoa!"

I arrive a few seconds later and I see Applebloom held by the apparition from earlier, its face screwed and warped into a wicked visage "Ah." I try to scan it again, but once again, I get a negative result "Blast! What is that thing?"

Lyra charges and blasts the thing's face, but the bolt of magic passes through it and hits the wall instead "Augh! Are you going to stand by your assertion, Turner?!"

"Yes!" I say and look around the room and find a metal pipe "Have at you!"

The pipe passes through it's head and past its neck but impacts something in its chest and it wails in pain, dropping Applebloom when it sinks through the floor clutching its chest.

I smirk and help the filly to her hooves "Are you okay?"

She shakes away her dizziness and smiles "Eeyup... fit as a fiddle!"

Lyra gapes and takes the pipe from me "This pipe isn't silver or anything, so it couldn't have hurt it..."

I grin "That's because it isn't a ghost. It's a hologram."

Sweetie, having struggled from Ditzy's grasp "But holograms are just light and sound, it was holding Applebloom, so it must be solid!"

"Not necessarily, the pipe impacted something, what I'm going to guess is the source of the hologram itself, more than likely what I tried to scan was the image, which is why it came back negative." I adjust the frequency and look around the room "Most likely it's a-"

"A defensive drone with a holographic interface?" Sweetie and Ditzy ask in unison.

Lyra and Scootaloo blink in confusion "Wow, did you two time that?"

Applebloom stomps her hooves "What they mean is that it's a guard! It must want this here thing." she reaches into her saddlebags and pulls out a metal and glass orb.

she passes it to me to inspect "It appears to be... well, a command module, but it's broken."

"Broken how?" Ditzy asks.

"It's stuck in a single mode, 'Destroy all intruders'."

Lyra frowns "So how do we fix it?"

"Well, this technology isn't manually controlled. It requires a special frequency." I scan it and groan "And even if I had the right frequency, it wouldn't help, the receiver's missing."

"So what do we do?" the Pegasus asks.

"Well, I'm hoping that if I can get the receiver, I can shut it down. Problem is, the receiver could've been destroyed or taken, considering how many people have come through here."

Ditzy sighs "So, we have an alien security bot and a broken controller?"

I nod "Yes, why?"

"That means that I can deal with this! Scootaloo, do you have a remote controlled toy or something?"

She nods slowly and reaches into her bag, pulling out a small cart and controller "Will it help?"

I grin and take them "Yes it will, I'll have Lyra buy you a new one later."

"Hey!"

"You're the one who dragged us here, so it's only fair that you pay for anything that needs replacing." Ditzy says with a stern look on her face.

I disassemble the controllers and start to combine them "Okay, there are two ways this will end, it will either work perfectly, or it will explode and we'll be out of luck."

"I like those odds." Ditzy and Scootaloo say, a look of determination in their eyes.

I grin and activate it, filling the house with a low humming.

The mass of blue light appears, howling in anger "Okay, I am commanding you to deactivate, directive 'Defend' is nullified."

It pauses and fades, a small dark, dented ball of metal and glass like the controller drops from mid-air, lights dimming "Well, that was anti-climactic..." Lyra mutters.

I pick up the inert sphere and inspect it "Okay, let's see where our friend comes from..."

"What's this?" Sweetie asks, pointing to a piece of the guard orb.

"That's the energy capacitor-frequency alteration device. It changes the stored energy into light, sound, and any other form it may need to function." I reply, carefully cataloging each piece "This is very basic technology, but it's not familiar..."

Lyra looks up from her sketchbook "I'm still saying that it can't be alien in origin. From what you've said, it could just be an OOPA."

I laugh, clutching my chest as tears roll down my eyes "'OOPA'?! Oh, I haven't heard that term in forever! Wow, I mean no offense, but that is... hahahaha!!"

Her face flushes and she glares at me "It's not funny! It was either that or 'Chronologically Aberrational Artifact'! And saying 'CAA' just feels wrong."

"What's 'OOPA' mean?" Applebloom asks.

"'Out of Place Artifact'." Ditzy answers, trays holding several cookies, cups of tea and cups of juice on each wing "It's an umbrella term to mean anything that is too advanced for the time in which it is present, like finding a fossilized JoyBoy surrounded by buried clay pots."

Scootaloo blinks several times "So... it's too new to be as old as it is?"

I nod "That's about right, yes."

Lyra levitates tea to her lips "Well, Mr. Science, what would you call it?"

I tap my chin in thought "You know, I haven't put any thought into classifying such things. I'd have to say 'Wrong Time Object'."

Ditzy snorts "That's so... unimaginative."

"So what if I'm unimaginative?" I ask, removing another component "But what tells you that it's out of place, Lyra?"

"Well, first off, it chose the guise of a pony, rather than something fearsome or scary to the creators of the guard-bot, so that rules out Alien in origin." she levitates several pieces into the air "The pieces could be made by equestrians, or any other equine species, because it reacts to resonant energy, like Equestrian magic, rather than an internal power source like a fuel cell." she levitates one of the exterior metal plates to my face "And the model number, patent information, and the fact that it has 'Made in Equestria' here."

I back away and take the piece, and lo and behold, engraved on it are a series of numbers and "Made in Equestria". I blink several times and blush "W-well... never mind then... I suppose you were right."

She nods and her horn flares for a second, a book appearing on the table "And the patent number is too high for it to be modern. It's about twenty years too soon."

Ditzy takes the plate and nods "Ah, that makes sense, but how would a damaged guard-bot end up haunting a house for at least a hundred or more years?"

"The compressed space? It appeared right after we opened it, so it could've been a weak spot in space-time?"

I frown "It wasn't, trust me."

Sweetie waves her hoof in the air "I have an idea!"

"What is it?" Ditzy asks, turning to her.

"What if it wasn't trapped in time; but it in space. Could it've been taken from where it was, but stuck half-way through time somehow?"

Everyone turns to me for confirmation, and I half shrug "That sounds like a possibility, albeit a remote one. But then there's the question of how both landed in the same place, at the same time. It just doesn't make sense."

Scootaloo sighs "What if it had, I don't know, some type of box that it came in? Like a package or something?"

Applebloom shakes her head "Nope, that controller was covered in dust, wasn't a box there."

Lyra nods "Okay, can you find out how long it's been there?"

"Not really, I just know how far in the future it originated from. It could've been there for decades, it could've been there for weeks."

Ditzy sighs "What does it matter? We've essentially proven that the house isn't haunted, and we've gotten something from the future. What else is there to do?"

"Well, there's the problem of how it got there, where it was from... you were being rhetorical, weren't you?" I ask.

She nods and Lyra rolls her eyes "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going back to the mansion, I still haven't seen any Driders or hybrids."

"'Driders'?"

"A mythological, undocumented hybrid of pony and giant spider. Rumored to live underground in non-invasive societies." Sweetie says.

"Nerd." Scootaloo mutters.

"Hey, being smart is nothing to be ashamed of, I'm a nerd, and I've been to the end of time and back. I've fought off entire armies with just my wit, a friend, and a screwdriver!" I say, patting Sweetie's head "Trust me, being smart is better than being a soldier."

Sweetie beams "You've done all that?!"

"He's lying to you Sweetie. Sure, smartness may be cool when you're in school, but it won't help in a life or death situation. Like math, it's just for show and junk."

"I can assure you that maths are very useful. How are you supposed to be able to know when to dodge a punch if you don't have any concept of relative speed, impact mechanics, and physics?" I say, crossing my arms Err... hooves.

"Just duck and roll, that's what Rainbow says."

"... 'Rainbow'?" These pony names are getting more and more peculiar the longer I listen.

Ditzy stands and nudges Applebloom "You've been quiet this whole time, what's on your mind?"

"Well... ah understand why Miss Lyra isn't freaked out by this thing an' all of that, but what about you and Mister Turner?"

"I've been dealing with things like this for a long time, myself." I reply, separating the last two components of the sphere.

"And... I've been Lyra's friend since we were your age. I suppose some of her quirks rubbed off on me." Ditzy replies, nodding to Lyra.

"Why am I singled out as the weird one here?"

Sweetie raises her hoof "Because you're always running around looking for made-up stuff and ranting in Canterlot. Or that's what my sister says."

Lyra frowns "I am a scientist, I tend to be a bit eccentric, is your sister normal when she's working?"

"Well, no..."

I tap on the table to get everyone's attention "I think we can all discuss this later, I suggest we go back to the house and try and find some other evidence to prove our theory."

The fillies shudder in apprehension, Lyra and Ditzy shrug and smile respectively.

Author's Note

Next time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run anymore...

Midnight stands, stretching his back "Well, not that it's any business of ours, but in about two minutes, something is going to happen to the supporting pillars on some lower level of Undertown." he scratches his head, yawning again "It'll probably do something minor, Iono."

Needle jumps to her feet (Erm... legs?) "What?! That's not good. Where did you hear something like that?"

Midnight shrugs "I just have a feeling. And I had a dream a few minutes ago too."

Before any of us can respond, the floor starts to shake under our hooves, knocking Lyra from her chair and Ditzy into a heap on top of me. Needle grasps the crusaders in her legs, holding them to the top of her abdomen "HOLD ON!"

The Eleventh Stable

As the last tear hits the TARDIS's floor, I feel the explosion of energy course through my body, every cell transforming in a brilliant gold light, the TARDIS starts burn, impacting the edges of the time stream.

I grit my burning teeth and set her on auto-pilot before a surge of energy floors me D-damn....

The proximity alarm blares, and I crack one aching eye open to observe a surge of rainbow and white colored energy shoot towards the TARDIS, shattering it's shield with ease before blowing the doors open, and the energy slams into me, the feeling of regeneration intensifying as if fighting off the energy itself.

I try to remain conscious but I hear a snap in the back of my head and everything turns pitch black.

I slowly open up my eyes and I find myself held in a yoke staring up at a familiar face.

Rassilon.

"Doctor... welcome home..." he monotones, obviously holding his anger back.

"Rassilon... How are you here? You should be trapped on Gallifrey!"

"And yet here we are... tell me Doctor, what's it feel like to be on your last regeneration?"

I grit my teeth "I wouldn't know, why don't you know the answer already? You were dead."

"And so was I, yet here I am..." another voice says, a voice that turns my blood cold.

I strain to turn my head but standing in a suit and grinning is The Master.

"I saw you throw yourself into the portal! Even if you did survive, why are you the one who isn't imprisoned?!"

He grins and shrugs "I'm working for the winning side I guess. I'm not the one who imprisoned his whole species in a time lock."

Rassilon clears his throat "Doctor. You are here to be tried for crimes you have knowingly committed against not only your own kind, but others as well. In order to properly stand trial, you may choose anyone to act as defense council."

I groan under the weight of the yoke and one name comes to mind "Chancellor... Borusa..."

Rassilon blinks "You are certain of this?"

I nod "Yes, and could I get a chair? If I wasn't already dying this yoke would be killing me..."

The Master shrugs "Fine, get the old buzzard in here and get this... criminal... a chair... preferably electric." He grins and electricity crackles through his fingers.

Chancellor Borusa walks in, looking the same since I last saw him, unchanged and he gives me an empathic nod "Don't worry Doctor, We'll get you out of this like the last time he" he nods to The Master "Framed you, remember that?"

I grin weakly "How could I forget? He framed me for assassinating the Timelord President."

Rassilon once again clears his throat "The Trial of Gallifrey & other intelligent species vs. The Doctor. Prosecution, read off the charges."

The Master grins "Of course. Indefinite counts of mass colonial murder, evading arrest, interfering with galactic investigations, un-aggravated assault, destruction of fleets of other life forms, aiding known criminals, and violation of sacred vow to keep the secrets of time travel secret. Oh! And let's not forget imprisoning all other Timelords!"

"Grave charges Doctor. How do you plea?"

I turn to Borusa and he nods silently "Justified."

Rassilon nods "Defense, counter arguments if you will."

Borusa stands "Lord Rassilon, the charges presented are a result of what I'm sure is a result of the bitterness of the accusing at having been ousted for their crimes. The facts, as I understand them, are that my client is not a criminal, but a vigilante of sorts. He has broken few laws recognized by the Shadow proclamation, and as for the charge of divulging the secrets of time travel, I believe that would only be possible if he were you."

The Master scoffs "Allow me to elucidate on what was meant. The accused had allowed a human girl to absorb energy from the eye of harmony, his own regeneration energy, and allowed another number of humans to pilot his TARDIS. Lord Rassilon, these are crimes that could result in the spread of knowledge of our technology and then we would have thousands of civilizations attacking for more of our sciences."

I groan "The first was that a companion of mine, whom I had sent home alone broke into my TARDIS and ripped open the engine. The second was an accident when I was partially regenerating and used my preserved and severed hand to keep my form, the knowledge and energies from both were returned to me and my TARDIS, the third is the result of having several trusted allies help me guide several planets that had been stolen by the daleks back to their correct places. I also had the assistance of the shadow proclamation in that last instance."

"Your honor," Borusa says "The charges against my client are crumbling to dust, I suggest we acquit him to save us all time."

Rassilon stares down at me, and I meet his gaze, my joints struggling to support the yoke's weight.

"Your honor, there are still the charges of the killings he has committed!" The Master yells, electricity crackling around him.

"Those charges would crumble as well, just like the ones before them." Borusa states, nodding to Rassilon.

Rassilon sighs "The charges shall all be dropped..."

My hearts leap but he gives me an angry glance "... excluding the charge of imprisonment of all Timelords."

I nod in resignation "I cannot easily justify that. Allow me to try though?"

He nods and I inhale a shaky breath "The reason as to why I did that is that I knew that The Great Time War would spread throughout all of space and time, killing countless life forms in its wake. The charges that were on me were miniscule compared to what the war would do. So I contained it. I sealed it in a bubble of time and with a heavy heart, I watched the war die out... I may not be a saint or anything, but I could not watch as the beauty of existence be destroyed by war! I could not sit on my hands and watch everything in the universe be destroyed, I was putting the lives of the majority above my own innocence and the minority... if doing so makes me a killer or a monster, then I don't want to be a hero."

The Master wipes his eyes "Wow... if that wasn't so cheesy it might be touching." he turns to Rassilon "Your honor, Even if what he says is true, that still does not let him free without punishment. I suggest the previous punishment that was implemented the first time he was brought to trial. Termination of his current regeneration."

"I don't have any more!" I yell, trying to break free.

Rassilon nods "Yes. And while I must agree with The Master on the fact that you still committed a heinous crime, I believe that your reasons are just, but in the interests of Galifrey as a whole, you must be punished and I propose an exile, not only from Galifrey, but from all realms. You will have your TARDIS, but if you survive your punishment, you may never return. Do you understand?"

"I... I really do-"

Suddenly, everything fades to black again, the last thing to go is the smiling face of Borusa.

Knock knock knock! Knock knock knock!

I slowly awaken to the sound of knocking, the vision still fresh in my mind "What did he... mean by 'All realms'? Ah well... still alive though."

Knock knock knock! Knock knock knock!

Ugh... who on Earth is knocking on the TARDIS?

Knock knock knock! Knock knock knock!

"All right! All right! I'm coming! Why is it that no one has any patience nowadays?" I mutter, pushing open the door "Hell- what in..."

Staring at me is a blonde, grey horse with saddlebags and a mail carrier's hat. "Mail for you!"

She turns her head and roots around for something and pulls out a blue envelope.

Okay, obviously a trained horse of some sort... we- HELLO! I stare at my hand but see that it's a hoof... a brown hoof connected to a brown shoulder...

The grey horse blinks, gold eyes drifting "What's the matter?"

"I... am I a horse?" I ask and she nods slowly "Yeah... what else would you be, a dragon?"

"A dra- no! I'd be... I mean I am a Timelord. Where am I?"

She cocks her head to the side "Outside Ponyville."

"I meant what planet?"

"Terra-Equina in Latin, Equis in Equish. Why?"

I rub my forehead and jerk my hoof away That felt VERY odd...

She steps closer, pressing her hoof to my forehead and another to her own "Are you oka- eep!" she falls onto her face, kicking up a cloud of dirt.

"Are you okay?!" I ask, helping her up.

She giggles and dusts off her hat "Yeah, I kinda forgot that I need three hooves to stand..."

I snort and cover my mouth "Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing at you Ms...?"

"Doo, Ditzy Doo. though everypony calls me Derpy." she replies, a sad glint in her eyes for the briefest moment.

I bow, or as well as I can as a horse "I'm The Doctor."

She imitates me but trips on her hooves "Ow... Nice to meet you Doctor."

Huh, she didn't ask "Doctor who?" I kind of like it when they do that. Ah well.

Ditzy smiles and crouches "Bye Doctor!"

"Why are you crou- WHOA!!" she jumps and two large grey wings spread from above her saddlebags and she flies away...

Before hitting a tree shakes her head before moving towards some other destination.

"... Well, I suppose this world has talking pegasi, that's a first." I mutter before turning my attention to the letter still in my hoof... somehow.

"What the- how on earth am I holding this? Hooves don't grip! How is this-" an explosion behind me shatters my focus "Right, fix TARDIS first, then wonder about hooves... and the fact I'm a horse..."

I sift through the remains of my clothes and attempt to fold them but to no avail "Well this is rubbish! How can I hold a letter and not my own clothes! I can't leave my clothes lying around the TARDIS like I'm a slob! Ugh, I'll just put them in the chair..." I pick up my jacket with my teeth and toss it onto the piloting chair.

As I approach the console, a loud alarm rings "Ow! What?!"

I listen and a series of pictures flash in the back of my head, the TARDIS "Speaking" to me "... What do you mean you don't know where we are?"

Another flash and I groan "'Outside recognized space and time'? You mean we're at some point that hasn't been catalogued or not known? An alternate dimension, maybe. But not something as impossible as a different reality! Are you sure your circuits aren't damaged from travel?"

I give the console a flat look "The chameleon circuit doesn't count. That's been broken since we met. Well, except for a short bit of time at the beginning of my 3rd regeneration... that was interesting but also involved the Cybermen..."

"I am staying on topic! I didn't know that you could actually carry a conversation!" I pause "Since when?! You mean all this time you've been able to talk and never said much of anything?! I know that you take me where I'm needed, so please explain how you haven't an idea about where we are!"

The console beeps and I feel the color drain from my face "C-crippled? How can you be crippled?!"

A message scrolls across the overhead screen and I feel my blood freeze "That surge... was some kind of extra-dimensional tractor beam? It dragged you while I was regenerating? But it broke through the shield and hit me!" the message changes and a video of me regenerating and flailing around before the surge hit me and the screen fills with the rainbow and white energy for a split second and I see myself as a pony...

"That... that energy changed me... but how?"

A single word appears in the center of the screen.

Magic

I stare at that word for several seconds before giggling "M-magic?! You know as well as I that magic doesn't exist! What a silly notion!"

The lights dim, leaving me with minimal light "What's the matter? Come on, I wasn't making fun of you, just the suggestion!"

Dim letters appear on the screen before fading away "'Recharging? I... suppose that makes sense. I'll just sit here and... hooves. I have the mystery of my hooves to solve. Hooves..."

Several hours later I bang my head against the floor "This makes no sense! Hooves do not have the ability to pick up objects and yet I've built a radio!" I sigh and rub my head "I guess I'll just turn it on..."

Static crackles until the sound of party music flows from the speakers "Okay then! I suppose that means that they have radio! Beats the silence anyways..."

The music fades away and a happy, young woman comes on.

"That was 'Skittlez' by Feather Drop! This is, as if it could be anypony else, DJ PON3 on K-COLT, the Vinyl Scratch... Okay, today we have gotten the mailbag of questions and requests. Octi, you go first."

An older woman snorts "Okay, our first letter is from Silver Spanner of Ponyville. 'Dear Vinyl, I saw you digging in the back of 'Quills and Sofas' and you wheeled away two halves of a sofa. Are you a dumpster diver too?' Vinyl, I thought you said you were going out to buy me some replacement quills to replace the ones you used as darts!"

"I did! I also saw the sofa in the trash and hammered on some legs, now we have two reclining chairs! It was a steal!"

Octavia groans "Vinyl, that is stealing. You don't grab things from the street of trash cans, or anything! Davenport might've wanted to use the fabric or the wood for another one."

"I asked him" Vinyl replied "I asked and he said that it was junk and an eyesore in the store. It broke when somepony thought to use it to block the door from a herd of cows. He said I could have it and in exchange I gave him an autograph for his niece. And before you say it was for him, remember that purple Pegasus that kept following me around and getting up in my space?"

"Yes, I swear she was the closest thing to a servant I'd ever seen. She even made us breakfast everyday for a week before she left to go back to Cloudsdale. That was her?"

"Yup. I'm surprised she wasn't a stalker or something... next letter!" paper rustles "Oooh! Shiny! Lessee... 'Dear Octavia, how do you live with an obvious slob like Vinyl... Scratch...' Okay then, I'm going to scrape the glitter off this later. Onwards to the next one! 'Dear Vinyl and Octavia, I was wondering if you two ever collaborated. I keep asking my musical friends of any songs but they say that they've never heard of any. If you have one, would you play it? Signed, Velvet Hearts"

"Well, I know that Vinyl utilizes sound bytes from some of my practices to put in her own music but not in the sense of a joint result." Octavia replies.

"Well... remember those times I clipped a microphone to your cello and asked you to play those songs that kept on stopping abruptly?"

"Yes... what about it?"

Vinyl chuckles "Yeah... I was having you play your parts and then I played them on a delay with my own and recorded that... I haven't released the album yet cause I needed one more... ehehehe..."

"... I'm not sure whether to feel betrayed or flattered..."

"Flattered sounds good."

Octavia hums "I suppose I'll go with that. When where you planning on telling me?"

"Next Thursday."

"Oh, I suppose I can- wait, that's my birthday... Vinyl..."

Vinyl chuckles nervously "Uh... 'the best gifts are the ones made by hoof' right?"

"I... I... Vin-"

The Radio goes silent and I lean back from the speaker I don't remember moving...

Shrugging, I flip the power switch and stretch "Might as well get some sleep."

Nodding to the still dark console, I walk towards my bed "I hope I still fit in it."

One dreamless sleep later, familiar knocking rouses me from sleep "Wha- again?"

I walk towards the doors and standing there sans hat is Ditzy "Yes?" I ask, yawning.

She smiles "I was just coming by to see how you were feeling, you were acting kind of strange yesterday."

"To be perfectly honest, yesterday was kind of the norm for me."

She shrugs "That's Ponyville for you. So, I was wondering why you're hiding in a tiny blue box, it can't be all that comfortable."

"Oh it is, but I'm afraid I'm not able to receive visitors at the moment." I reply, moving to close the door when a saddlebag is thrusted to me "Here, I thought since I came early you might like some muffins."

I nod and take the bag "Thanks you Ms. Doo, I am quite famished."

Ditzy grins and turns to fly away but I stop her "Tell me... are you the only pegasus around here?"

She shakes her head "Of course not! Why, haven't you seen any others?"

"Before you, no."

She gasps "What? Were you borne on another planet or something?"

"Yes actually." I reply "Gallifrey, it's located in a binary star system within the constellation of Kasterborous, at galactic coordinates ten-zero-eleven-zero-zero by zero-two from galactic zero centre."

Ditzy stares at me for several seconds before grinning "Okay! Is it a world with spaceships that have laser guns and everypony has like really complicated names and ranks and stuff?"

"Uh... yes, no, and yes."

She flaps her wings excitedly "I can't believe I'm talking to an actual alien! Everypony said that there was nothing out in space except for rocks but I knew better!"

I blink for several seconds "So... you believe me? That fast?"

Ditzy nods "Of course! What could you possibly gain from lying to me?"

That gives me pause She's really that trusting? Either she has no common sense or has no idea what people are capable of.

"Is something the matter Doctor?"

I shake my head "No, I'm just amazed at your enthusiasm. Most people I've met are skeptical when I tell them what I am. Of course, that's usually changed when we start running from whatever monster or alien we've encountered..."

Ditzy smiles "So... why do you look like a pony?"

"I don't actually know to be honest..."

She shrugs "I know somepony who can help! Well, she's a princess, but I think she's been to the moon so..."

I shake my head "No thank you Ditzy. I'm fine I just need to fix my ship and figure out where I am."

"Can I help?"

"Do you know how to fix a time machine?"

"I fixed my toaster once."

I chuckle "I'm sure that the TARDIS is more complicated than a toaster."

Ditzy shrugs "At least I offered. Can I at least see it?"

"Why not? Just don't touch anything."

She grins and I lead her through the door into the darkened TARDIS.

"Whoa... It's compressed space!" she gasps, her eyes darting around.

"Uh... yes, actually. How do you know that? Usually people say 'It's bigger on the inside!'"

"Okay! 'It's bigger on the inside!' Does that help?"

I grin "Yes, yes it does... what are you-"

She picks up a compact retro-mirror "Oooo~ I can see myself eating breakfast!"

I scratch my head "Well... I guess it works now. Never did before..."

She grins and puts it down "Hey Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"What's this little wand thing?" she reaches to the floor and grabs something in her mouth.

My eyes widen "My sonic! I've been looking for it since I started!"

She drops it in front of me "Here you go! So... do you need me to do anything?"

I pick up my sonic and look it over "Okay... I can fix this but I need time. And as for what you can help me with, could you please gather up the refuse and scrap from around here?"

She salutes and pushes some burnt circuits towards me.

"Well, before I fix anything else, I need to fix you first." I say to my sonic with a grin.

"Doctor, what are you doing?"

I look up from the components of my sonic "Well that's simple my dear Ditzy. I am attempting to repair my sonic screwdriver and then I can attempt to fix the rest of my TARDIS."

She blinks "Why do you need a micro-compressor instead of a micro-capacitor?"

I pause and look closer at the piece "... Fancy that! Thank you Ditzy, who knows what would've happened if I had mixed up these pieces?"

She grins "Glad to help Doctor. So... why is your ship haunted?"

I snort "'Haunted'? I can assure you that ghosts and spectres don't exist. Of course, I was sure that pegasi were myths and yet here I am talking to one."

"If it isn't haunted, then who's speaking?"

I look up "What do you mean? There are only the two of us here."

Ditzy shrugs "Never mind. So... do you have any other alien technology? Like an instant food creator? Or a heat ray?"

I laugh "You read too much science fiction. No, I'm afraid I lack a 'Heat ray'. I have a microwave oven, but that's about it."

"Fine... robots? Do you have any robots that play cards?"

"Why on Earth would I need a robot that plays cards?" I ask, delicately setting the final piece in place "Done! Now let's see about fixing the old girl."

"Who's the old girl?"

"The TARDIS, of course!"

She shrugs and follows slowly, her eyes darting to every object.

"Nothing will attack you Ditzy. Trust me, I'm The Doctor."

Author's Note

Dangerous words Doctor, Dangerous words.

Hiya! I know that I already have a Doctor Whooves fic but I thought, what the hay? Might as well try to explain in my own way how he got to equestrian. And as you could tell, my head canon is that when the 10th (After the song of the Ood) ricocheted through time and space, an equal duplicate was created except it ended up in a different dimension.

So that makes this his final regeneration... make it last doctor, make it last...

The Pears of Nerim

Last time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run any more...

Have fun, for it is not yet the time. You will know when it is. Enjoy your new life my little space man.

The doors close, switches flip, levers move, and thingamajigs jiggle, the familiar whooshing of travel filling my stunned silence "Did... did you hear that too?"

Ditzy blinks "The whooshing or the voice?"

I rub my head "I don't think this universe is good for my health..."

The TARDIS lands, Ditzy's eyes glittering as she shakes me "This is awesome! Where are we? Where are we?! WHERE ARE WE?!"

I push her hooves off me and shake away the vertigo "I'm not sure..." I turn to the readout machine "Nerim, a planet populated entirely by stone creatures. Well, radiologically animated chunks of carbon and zircon, but... semantics."

She squeals and shoots out the doors and I grab the saddlebags she gave me and put my sonic in one of the pockets. "Wait for me!"

I chase after her and notice she's sitting in front of a wooden fence "Don't run off! Oh who am I kidding, they always run off. Never stay put. Anyways, what is so interesting about this fence?"

"They have wood... photosynthetic beings can thrive on a world where the solid nutrients and building blocks are animated... I need a journal..." she says in awe and I can't help but laugh "Ditzy, you're stunned by the fact that they have wood?"

She turns to me "Well duh! I always theorized that carbon based life would be available on other planets but the fact that they utilize it in a similar fashion like they do in Equestria is... it proves that some concepts and environmental pressures are universal! It's astounding!"

I stop and stare at her "... Okay, I forgot how it feels to have an intelligent companion. Okay, moving on from the... wooden fence... how about we go explore?"

She grins and reaches into my bag "Hey! You haven't eaten any of the muffins!"

I shrug "I had one, I just wasn't all that hungry-" my stomach groans and I blush beside myself "Erm... okay, entirely new physiology must have shocked my system... look! A fair!"

Right next to us is the entrance of a fair, several different species of aliens speaking, bargaining, and eating "Amazing! Commerce is present too! You'd think that living stones would have a nomadic/ bartering system instead of capitalism... what's the currency?"

I give her a flat look "You ask a lot of questions."

She smiles weakly "Sorry."

"No, I never said not to ask questions. Asking questions is good. Except when it leads to having to run away from the answer..." I shiver "Come on, let's find out."

Ditzy stares at an alien, obviously disturbing him "Ditzy!" I whisper "Stop staring! It's rude!"

She blinks and waves and points to a stall displaying... oh dear... "Look! Pears!"

I shudder "Ugh.,. why?"

"Doctor, why are you looking sick?"

"Pears my dear Ditzy, pears... disgusting fruit..."

The Nerimian behind the counter shrugs "'Ey, nobody said you had to buy any."

Ditzy smiles, a slight pink shift in the stone alien's head "I'm sorry, but I'm not familiar with the currency here..."

"Credits. Inter-space credits." it replies simply.

Ditzy turns "Can I borrow some credits?"

I sigh and pull out a silver credit cube "Here, I don't tend to buy things..."

She squeals and kisses my cheek before taking the cube "Does this work?"

The Nerimian pulls out a scanner cube and runs it through "Yeh, how many do you want?"

"Uhm... two!"

He nods and hands two of the horrendous fruits to her along with the credit cube.

She grins and puts them in her own saddlebags "Thanks!"

We walk down the fair's path and Ditzy stops at each one, marveling at the wares like a child.

Heh, this is nice... not running, investigating, just going to an alien fair with a cute companion- wait, "Cute"? I rub my forhead "Must be something still fixing itself..."

Ditzy walks over with a stun pistol and bandolier "I got a gun!"

I shiver "Ugh, the one thing I hate more than pears. Guns, have you ever noticed how the scientific curiosity falls in people holding guns?"

Ditzy nods "Yeah, but it's a stun gun in case we need to thwart an invasion of living machines or jelly monsters."

I stare at her "... Are you expecting those things to happen?"

"I sure hope not! But like great granny Fizzy said 'It helps to be prepared and quit licking the bowl your sundae came in, you'll get your head stuck in there! I should know, did it enough times myself.' She's wise."

"Uhh... okay then. Just don't point it at me..."

"You mean like this?" she asks, pointing it at my head.

"YES! Just like that!"

We sit on a bench in the middle of the fair, I sigh and Ditzy looks up from her comic book "What's the matter Doctor?"

I smile at her "Oh Ditzy, this is the most peace I've felt since... since I was a child..."

She cocks her head "Why?"

"I'd... rather not talk about it..." I sigh.

She nods in understanding, patting my shoulder "I won't push... hey, how can I read this? It looks like perfect Equish to me."

"Ah, the TARDIS has a translation function, so long as it's not older than time itself, it translates it instantly. It's quite useful."

She shrugs "Kind of takes the fun out of learning new languages. Anyways, sure you don't want a pear?"

I shudder "I'm quite sure. I'm just going to enjoy the peace and quiet."

She shrugs and pulls out a pear "Okay! Snack ti-"

A high pitched whine splits the air, several of the passing aliens clutching their heads before falling unconscious.

I jerk up and turn to Ditzy who rubs her ears "What's that noise?!"

"I don't know! It's knocking out everyone else! Why are we immune?!"

She stares at the pear in her hoof and it glows blue before splitting open to reveal sharp teeth and beady red eyes, little legs sprouting from it. "EEK!!" Ditzy squeaks, throwing it away. I grab the other and toss it as well "Okay! This is weird, even by my standards!"

Ditzy grabs me and we run back to the TARDIS when a whole swarm of the pears fall from the sky, several looming pods touching down "INVASION!!"

Ditzy gasps and squeals "An invasion! This is so awesome!"

I roll my eyes "Trust me, they rarely are. Now come on! We need to get out of here!!"

She stops and looks at all of the prone aliens "But... aren't we going to help?"

I turn "Help?"

She nods "You're The Doctor right? A doctor heals the sick, combats problems, and teaches others how to fight their problems. Come on Doctor, we have a responsibility."

I rub my head "Why must I be such a bloody sap? Fine! Capture one of the pears so that we can find out where it came from."

She salutes and swoops in on one, holding its mouth closed tightly "Got it!"

I catch myself grinning and gallop towards the TARDIS Am... am I enjoying this?

We charge through the doors, and I grab a giant clear beaker "Put it in here!!"

She nods and throws it into the beaker which I slam down on a genome reader "Okay! Let's see what kind of blight you are..."

It bangs against the glass with hisses and snarls, teeth trying to pierce its prison.

The scanner beeps and a readout issues from the console which Ditzy grabs "'Rexico...rexicorip... uhh...'"

"Raxacoricofallapatorius?" I ask, fastening the jug with a cable.

"Yeah... have you been there?"

"No, I've met a family from there, terrible people those Slitheens. infiltrate a world's parliament, start a nuclear war and then sell the irradiated pieces of that planet as fuel. Criminals by all accounts. they have one big weakness though, they're usually compressed and thus their gaseous calcium based physiology leaves them susceptible to acids and bases, most commonly vinegar." I explain, turning on a miniature hologram of one.

Ditzy furrows her brow "Ew... it looks like ET with a baby head."

I stare at her and nod "An... oddly specific description, but astute. so I suggest we use this weakness against them."

Ditzy cocks her head "So... we fly over them in the TARDIS and dump vinegar on them?"

I shake my head "No, that's just silly. We use squirt guns."

"Okay! You're The Doctor, but what if it doesn't work?"

"Then we try diplomacy." I say, walking towards the armoury.

"And if that doesn't work?" she asks, following.

"Then I'll do something brilliant. I'll do a thing of sorts. a brilliant sort of thing. I'm not sure what it is yet, but I know what it might be."

She walks up next to me "Can I do the brilliant thing?"

I suck my teeth "I'm... I'm usually the one who does brilliant things. Brilliant things are my thing..."

She whimpers and pouts her lip out "Really? I can't do the brilliant thing?"

I clutch my hearts "Fine... you can do the brilliant thing. This time."

She squeals and starts skipping next to me "Gonna do a brilliant thing~ Gonna do a brilliant thing~ Gonna be Brill-I-ant!"

I need to become immune to her charms- wait, "Charms"? I don't get charmed! I'm The Doctor! And yet... I shake my head free of those thoughts, and open the armoury "This, my dear Ditzy, is the squirt gun armoury."

She stares up in awe, her eyes widening "Whoa..."

I grin wider "'Whoa' indeed. Now armor up! We have pears to pickle!!"

She grins and grabs one and then looks down at her stun gun bandolier "Hmm... "

I roll my eyes and grab my favorite "The compact torrent deluge pistol Mk. V, the most powerful water pistol in the universe, capable of eroding a stone wall in a matter of minutes at maximum, scrubbing away the rust on any machinery in seconds at minimum. External fluid containers that hold several gallons."

Ditzy flies down, two held in her wings and one in her hooves "I'm ready... to kick some alien pear booty!"

I catch myself grinning again, and nod, galloping towards the exit. This is... actually fun...

We burst out of the TARDIS doors, squirt guns unleashing deadly vinegar payload.

The pears screech before exploding into a puddle of goop.

Ditzy laughs "It's like an arcade game! Look! Triple score!" she blasts three without missing, the targets exploding with a spray.

I laugh "Oh? Quintuple score!" I follow it up with a burst of continuous fire, leaving goo in my wake.

She blows a raspberry which I start to return but I slip on a puddle of goo and it splashes all over me "Eeeuugghh!!"

She giggles but lands in another puddle, the goo and entrails sticking to her coat.

A new wave of pears come at us from the ship but we blast them away, charging towards the looming ship.

"Halt!" The garbled voice of a Raxacoricofallapatorian commands from within the ship a gangly green claw swiping at us. Before I can react Ditzy fires over my head, melting the alien's arm and it howls in pain, falling to its knees.

I nod to Ditzy and we charge past it, and through the ship, soaking any that we came upon.

I sonic the last door and sitting on a throne of wires and machines is a single Raxacoricofallapatorian "Who the grok do you think you are?!" the alien's voice box rattles out, static distorting it with high and low sounds.

Ditzy steps forward "I'm The... Mailmare! And this is my assistant, Time Turner!"

It glares at Ditzy while I stand stunned "Ditzy! What are you doing?!"

She smiles "I'm helping! And being brilliant!"

"Well Mailmare... I will see to it that you are killed slowly... and don't think about trying your pathetic weapons, I'm surrounded by an impenetrable that no matter can pass through, you've lost Mailmare."

Ditzy rolls her eyes "Prove it!"

I groan "It isn't that stupid..."

It nods and motions for a number of underlings to grab them when Ditzy kicks her gun to me, something floating in the vinegar "Doctor, kick this at the leader..."" she whispers and I recognize what was inside of it.

A cracked stun gun charge suspended in a tank of vinegar. The contents start sparking and I toss it towards the leader, the whole tank cracking slightly on impact before erupting in an inferno of light and a hiss of pain.

Ditzy bucks one of the Raxacoricofallapatorian's legs and I punch the other's, buckling them to the floor. Ditzy tosses a small gun to me and I hold it point-blank at their heads and Ditzy gallops towards the stuned and hissing leader and holds her own gun to it's head "Actually, I'm pretty sure I just won."

It tries to swipe at her but jerks it's hand back, claws hissing "Graaagh!! How dare you!?"

Ditzy grins "You see, you may have a good shield, but no matte can pass through it, meaning that you have to dispel it in order to move, otherwise it'll eat away at you. Of course, the moment you drop it, I'll have a direct shot at your head. I've got you in checkmate. Surrender and you can go back to your planet, and never return to invade anywhere ever again. I'll know, I'm the mailmare, and I know where you live."

It starts snarling and hissing at her but otherwise stays still, paralyzed by it's own defense.

She looks over her shoulder at me "I don't think that means that we've come to an agreement. What about you Time Turner?"

I grin and shake my head "No, it doesn't sound at all like an agreement to me. I suppose we'll have to-"

"FINE! Agreed! Agreed! We'll leave!"

Ditzy narrows her eyes "And never come back? Never invade a populated planet again?"

It nods weakly "Yes! Please! Just let us go!"

Ditzy nods and lowers her gun "Good, I'd like to shake on it but your shield would destroy my hoof."

The ship takes off, leaving goo and bits of their pear-monsters rotting in the planet's sun.

I turn to Ditzy, who is shaking an alien's shoulder "Ditzy Doo... that was absolutely BRILLIANT!!"

She looks up and smiles meekly "Aw stop it Doctor... I wasn't even sure it would work..."

I shake my head "Pure genius! How did you know that the battery would react to the vinegar?"

She blushes, tracing a circle in front of her "I looked at the batteries I bought and saw that the charge was chemical based so I... I thought that the acid inside would react to the basic properties of the vinegar... it's simple chemistry..."

I grin "A pretty face and an intellectual..." Wait, did I just say she had a pretty face?!

She blushes, looking at me nervously "P-pretty?"

I hold up my hooves and wave them "No! I mean, yes! but not that you're cute- I mean, you are! But I... AUGH!"

She giggles "You're silly Doctor."

I grin weakly "Yes, silly... okay, how about we get you home?"

She nods and gasps "Wait! souvenirs! I promised that I'd get all my friends souvenirs if I went to space! I'll be right back!" she shoots through the fair's stalls, coming back with five bags stuffed to the brim with items "Okay! I got them!Let's go!"

I blink "Two things: how are you carrying all that? Those bags are bigger than you are. Second, did you pay for all of that?"

"I'm a mailmare, we're strong. And of course not! The owners are unconscious! I think some random items are good enough payment for saving the planet!"

I raise a hoof to object but think better of it "Okay... but if you keep doing that, someone is bound to get angry at you..."

She shrugs "I'll deal with that if it happens. Now to the TARDIS!!"

I follow, rolling my eyes and laughing to myself You are a unique one Ditzy Doo.

The TARDIS lands in an empty warehouse and Ditzy gallops out, bags in tow "Where are we?"

"Ponyville. About ten minutes after you left. Oh? Didn't I mention the old girl is a time machine too?"

She stares up at the TARDIS and grins "This is the best day of my entire life! A time and space machine! That's so cool!!"

I nod "That she is... so! I'll be seeing you hopefully..."

She cocks her head "What do you mean? Where are you going?"

I pause Where am I going?

She grins weakly "Oh... I understand... you have other responsibilities..." she shakes her head and smiles from ear to ear "Thank you Doct-" I put a hoof on her mouth "No, I'm staying. I have no where I need to be... except right here, right now. Ditzy, I haven't had a companion like you in a long time... and I'm tired of running away from goodbyes. Never say goodbye my dear Mailmare. You still need a Doctor to do his duty. 'Heal the sick, combat problems, and teach others' That's what you said yes?"

She nods, grinning wide "Right! Now I really want to wash all this goop off my coat... I smell bad..."

I chuckle "So do I... to your house?"

She beams and takes off "Yup! Allons-y!"

I pause and follow her "Hey! That's my thing!"

Author's Note

Woo! Another chapter today! I am on fire!

anyways, this is just the first adventure The Doctor and his charming assistant will have!

Next time, on Doctor Whooves:

"What the hay happened to you two?!" Carrot Top yells.

Ditzy smiles weakly "Would you believe, that we fought aliens on another world and this is what got on us?"

I facehoof in response

Entering the "Normal" life

Clay time

I sip a cup of Earl Grey in Carrot Top's kitchen, waiting for Ditzy to finish preparations "Ditzy! I know that we theoretically have all the time in the time possible, but I'm not very patient!"

Ditzy flies down the stairs and smiles meekly "Sorry, I wasn't sure if I needed to bring my camera or not."

I chuckle "Why do you need a camera?"

"Well, I want to add our adventures to my adventure journal." she replies, walking towards the door "I'm taking pictures to prove I was there. Haven't you ever wanted to have photographic evidence of your amazing adventures?"

"Not really, Timelords are gifted with higher memory retention than most."

She rolls her eyes "Good for you, Mr. Timelord, but I'm, just a regular pony. And cameras are useful in my experiences, especially against subterranean species and stuff like that."

I shrug "Sounds like you've got some stories to tell."

She giggles and gives me a smirk "And I know you have a number of them. Speaking of which, have you ever met any species that exist in the second or fourth dimensions?"

I tap my chin in thought "Well, fourth dimensional beings are a bit rare, but I've met some, not on very pleasant terms, mind, but I have. Remember the creatures Luna was talking about when we met? The Lloigor?"

"Oh! That was a fourth dimensional creature?"

"More of a sentient crystalline collective, but yes." I reply.

"What about two-dimensional beings?" she asks, apparently taking notes in a small notebook.

"Not yet, the existence of such beings has been theorized for years, but there hasn't been any proof. I shudder to imagine what they'd look like, or even in what way they'd interact to three dimensional things. But that's an adventure for another day. So, where did you plan on going?"

She pauses and hums in thought "You know, even if it isn't an adventure, I've always wanted to visit Prance in late spring."

The warehouse with The TARDIS opens before we arrive and Lyra steps out, her mane, tail, and coat sooty and scorched "Okay, you win Doctor, I've tried every single lock pick I own, that door is resonance locked, isn't it?"

I roll my eyes "You could just ask to be let in."

"Would you let me in?"

"No, but you could ask." I reply, opening the doors.

Ditzy passes a tube to Lyra "Here, it's burn salve."

Lyra chuckles "Nah, I'm good, thanks though." her horn glows and her whole body glows gold, the burns and scorch marks disappear "Based that spell off The Doctor's regeneration. I can only pull it off once a day, it drains my magic too much to speed up cellular divisions and all that jazz."

I blink several times and scan her with my sonic "Huh, that's impressive to say the least. How did you figure it out?"

She smiles "Let me into The TARDIS and I'l tell you, I was only trying to get in there because I left my holo-disk player in there when we were dropping frozen tar ponies."

I mull this over and let her past me, Ditzy following "Okay, explain please."

Ditzy pulls her notebook out again and I can't stifle my chuckle Studious, I like that in a girl- I mean partner! I mean FRIEND. Yes, friend...

"Well I observbed the energy you were giving off at the dinner we had at Carrot's and then I compared that to the notes I got from Minuette when I can get her drunk about your physiology and I came up with a theory as to how Timelords regenerate. So I just adapted that to a basic healing spell, Madam Curious' cauterization to be specific, and after working out the kinks and repurposed some dweomers I got it right yesterday. Bonbon helped too."

Ditzy nods and closes her notes "How is Bonbon?"

"She's good. I think that she was going to tell me about her secret soon. Turns out she was 'Protecting' me by trying to stop me from researching 'Dangerous' subjects." she grabs a cylindrical device from under the console and looks it over "Anyways, she's good now. I don't think she's even trying to do Celestia's bidding. I told her to become a consultant but she said that wasn't a job."

She places the device in her bags "I think it is, I mean, what other job can you both con gullible people out of their money and insult their organization? It's in the name." she nods to the both of us and leaves "See you... whenever I guess."

The doors close behind her "Do you think she was up to something?" I ask.

"Most definitely, but that's not important." Ditzy replies and motions to the console "Shall we?"

I roll my eyes "Prance in spring, here we come!!"

I open the door and look around "Either your France is much smaller than mine, or we're somewhere else."

Ditzy trots out of The TARDIS and takes flight "No... this is Prance, but not the one I was thinking of. We're in the past, circa 746."

I shrug "So we missed by a little over two and a half centuries. At least it's spring."

She lands and rolls her eyes "I suppose... but what do you think the problem will be?"

"What do you mean?"

"Whenever we go somewhere or when, we end up stopping some cataclysm or another. So I'm a bit paranoid..."

I sigh "Not all of my adventures end with aliens, mad men, or monsters. Come on, let's go get some wine."

"You don't drink!"

"'Souvenirs'. I'm getting souvenirs."

We enter the town and I suppress a shiver "Are... ponies supposed to look like that?"

Walking around as if in lockstep are dozens of solid tan ponies with thin mouths and pupil-less eyes. No cutie marks or hair, just what appears to be clay or mud.

Ditzy shakes her head "If... if I didn't know better, I'd say that this whole city is full of Golems."

"Whats?"

"Golems, animated clay figures that do jobs that ponies can't."

"But where are the ponies?"

She shrugs "Golems weren't used to found Prance or even employed, they're mostly used in towns where there are few Earth ponies and excavate rockslides and stuff. I've never seen a town full of them and... they're smaller than any I've ever seen." she shudders "Doctor, what if by coming here, we alter the chain of events and something never happened?!"

"Ditzy, time is elastic in nature most of the time. If this was never recorded in history, than either no one recollects it happening, or it's an anomaly in time. Either way, we can't alter it too much anyways. If it were a fixed point in time, that'd be another story."

She nods and looks around "I still can't help but feel like something bad is about to happen..."

"What say we go find a pony and ask what's going on?"

She shrugs "I have a bad feeling about this..."

So do I, but I'm curious. I think to myself, looking around the city.

Several hours later and we fail to turn up any non clay-based life "Doctor... We've combed the whole city, there's nopony else here!"

"Well that's impossible! There must be a group of people who built these Golems, so where are they?"

She shrugs and lands, scratching her head in thought "Well, we've combed the whole city, right? So therefor, any non-Golems must be outside the town."

I nod "That's a logical conclusion."

She nods in return and takes flight "I'll circle around and outwards and try to find a building or something. It shouldn't take me long."

Before I can respond, she's a grey dot in the sky "... I wish I could fly."

She plummets back down, flaring her wings at the last second to cushion herself "I found something."

I cough and wipe the dust from my eyes "Yes... thank you."

She leads me towards a rundown shack of a building so dilapidated, I'm sure that something must've happened. Something violent.

Ditzy pushes the door in and looks around before motioning me to follow.

"Anypony in here?!" she calls, her voice echoing through the house "... Apparently not."

I scan the room for signs of life, but find none "Nothing's been disturbed recently..."

Ditzy nods "I guess this must've been a lab. There're flasks, vials, Bunsen burners... everything a chemist might need."

"Alchemist, actually." someone says from behind us.

I jump towards Ditzy and turn "Who-"

A sepia pegasus with red and blue eyes "Hello, I'm Alka Hest... I suppose that you two are travelers?"

Ditzy nods "Yes, we were coming to visit Prance, but we only found Golems, do you know where the ponies might've gone?"

He snorts "Yes, you met them... or what they became. Follow me..."

He walks to a bookshelf and pulls a cornice down, the bookshelf sliding away to reveal a staircase "Hm, hidden door, been a while since I've seen one of those."

He pushes a lever upwards, and the bookcase shifts back into place at the top of the steps, several marble pillars move in to block the staircase. "I'm sorry about what happened."

"What do you mean?"

He sighs and walks over to a dented kettle and pours tea into several cups "They aren't Golems, they're Homunculi. There was a disease that was killing the town's people, and I was the only pony with education close enough to medicine. I'm an alchemist, so you know what happened after that..."

I nod, sipping the tea "You worked a miracle that worked too well. You cured the disease, but you also changed them... you turned them into living clay."

Ditzy gasps and runs towards him "That's not true, is it?!"

He nods slowly "Exactly that. The disease attacked the skin by putrefaction. I came up with the idea to create a salve that preserved the rotting tissue long enough for the disease to no longer have anything to eat. Unfortunately, the disease was a curse, and by adding enchanted clay, it turned changed the curse into a petrification curse. It turned them into clay ponies. I tried to figure out a solution, something to release the ponies within..." he points to a large table covered with beakers and test tubes and papers "As you can see, I've had no luck."

I smile "Maybe a few fresh pairs of eyes might help."

Ditzy nods and nudges Alka Hest from his chair "Yeah! Let's do it!"

"No... the properties of tin aren't going to help. What we need is lead. Lead is more resilient."

Alka Hest groans "How could I have made such a juvenile mistake? Mayhaps I should just leave it to you, Doctor."

"Nonsense! We need you to tell us what each of these are supposed to be creating and to explain what you wrote." Ditzy chirps, looking over the piles of notes.

He nods and smiles weakly "You're right... I can't get caught up in self-pity or doubt. Now that we've solved the problem, how do you suppose we dissolve the clay molecule's bonds?"

I tap my chin "Clay is predominantly sediments and organic material... so all we need to do is moisten it, and that should turn it into mud that we can then scrape off of them."

He gives me a flat look "I'm one Pegasus, I can't possibly create a strong enough storm to cover the whole town."

I grin and nod to Ditzy "But she can."

Ditzy looks up, confused "'She can' what?"

"Create a large enough rainstorm to cover the town." I reply, carefully lifting the finished mixture "And we need you to get it to rain a solution of this."

She looks at dubiously "It... might not blanket the town... but if you can get them all into one place, then that's QED." she stands and stretches her wings "Can you get them into, say... the center of town?"

I nod and Alka sighs "I'm going to have to run, aren't I?"

"When you're around me, you never need to worry about not getting your cardio." I say, grinning like a madman.

Ditzy takes off towards a low flying mass of clouds, leaving us to gather the Homunculi.

"She's a very determined mare..." Alka mutters.

"That she is, now, how do we get them to chase us? They didn't react to Ditzy and I's presence earlier."

He nods and produces a vial from his saddlebags, pouring part of it onto my tail and the rest onto his and his wings "This activates the latent herd mentality that's present in everypony's mind. Basically, if they see or smell us, they will follow. Unfortunately, it has a short effective time. About five minutes."

I nod "More than enough time. Shall we?"

He nods and inhales, puffing out his chest "Allons-y!"

I snort "I used to say that all of the time. Anyways, run!"

We take off, and immediately several start to follow me, and for once, I marvel at how often the majority of my adventures involve running to or from something.

Then why do I still get out of breath? I ponder, nearly hitting a Homunculus.

Alka and I meet up in the center of town, but there are no clouds or perky, adorable pegasi Stop that!! She is just my friend! Nothing more!!

Alka pants, many more homunculi following him compared to the ones I'd herded "Flying... is not... fun... after... spending years... walking..."

I shrug "But where's Ditzy?"

A shadow passes over me and I nod "Ask and you shall receive, I suppose."

"I hope you have an umbrella!!" Ditzy yells from within the cloud and suddenly, a torrent of water falls from the large cumulonimbus, pelting us with drops of water.

I turn around and watch in relief as the clay bodies of the Homunculi start to melt, revealing colorful ponies underneath.

"We did it!! Thank you Doctor! Thank you Ditzy!" Alka yells, hugging me "Thank you... thank you..."

I pat his back awkwardly "Erm... yes, you're welcome..."

The rain slows to a drizzle and the cloud floats away, a sweaty looking Ditzy fluttering down from the sky "Whoo! That was fun! I never knew that the inside of a cloud was so humid! Of course... most clouds are only big enough to have a single pony sit on..."

Alka nods "Thank you... thank you both of you..."

She beams "No problem! So what now? Do you think the townsponies know what happened?"

I pause "I'd assume not, they should've been unconscious the whole time."

"Alka Hest!!" a gruff, angry voice yells.

He turns and is nose to nose with an angry blue stallion "Yes constable?"

"What have you done?! First we come to you for help, next thing we know, we're standing in the middle of the rain!! What happened?!"

He chuckles awkwardly "Er... yes, well, you see... I'm not a medical doctor, I'm an alchemist, and a Pegasus, so I couldn't ascertain the exact nature of the disease... it was a curse, rather than a contagion. You were all unfortunately turned into living clay... but don't worry! I've fixed it with the help of my friends!"

The constable turns to us "Is what he's saying true?"

"That it is, my good officer." I reply.

He stares at Alka Hest and raises a hoof "I'm going to enjoy punching..." a shadow passes over him "... Did somepony just move a cloud?"

I look up and my jaw drops "Oh my... run!"

Towering above us is an amorphous mass of clay, several reflective eyes staring down at us like hundreds of spiders.

Alka looks up and scrambles back "That's it! I'm giving up on alchemy! If I survive this, I'm going into a different science!"

Ditzy picks me up and nudges Alka to move "Come on! We need to get back to the lab!!"

Before I'm too far away, I whip out my sonic and scan the monstrosity "Alka hest! Do you happen to have anything like a giant kiln?!"

He turns to me in confusion then understands "We are not turning that thing into a giant sculpture! It's alive! That's inequine!"

I roll my eyes and point to the hundreds of ponies running in terror from the clay monstrosity "I think that you can ignore the Hippocratic oath in exchange for doing the right thing!!"

Ditzy nods "I can't lower the air pressure in a town! That'd take hundreds of pegasi and we'd still need a kiln!"

Alka Hest grits his teeth "There must be a way... Clay, organic sediments, fine grain rocks, and metal trades... malleable when wet, brittle and hard when dry or fired... We don't have a large enough kiln, nor can we dry it fast enough."

Ditzy gasps "Doctor! Can you change the ice rifle into a heat laser?!"

"What?! You mean a giant plasma cooker?!"

"Pretty much!" she replies

"Not with what we have! I'd need a microwave among other things."

She frowns "Hmm... I have an idea!"

She runs into the TARDIS and comes back out with several saddlebags filled to the brim "Come on!"

We follow "Doctor, do you know what she's planning?" Alka asks.

"Not in the slightest, but I trust her!"

He stares at me, perplexed "That's reassuring."

Ditzy barrels through the doors to the lab and empties the bags "I think that if I can turn these radio parts into a long-range magnetron, and focus the radiation, I can create a thermal source that will dry out the clay's structures and render immobile."

"And how are you going to do that? If you use it like a laser, it'll just create a shell."

She grins "I'm going to make it a bomb. Remotely activated and safe for everypony."

"Ditzy, you can't solve problems with bombs." I say, walking over to her.

She turns to me "Do you have any other ideas?"

"... Fair point. Alka Hest, do you think that you can help us?"

He nods and produces a pair of glasses from his bags "Yes, I had another experiment going to see how to heat it fast enough to make it easy to free them from the shells, it's over here."

Upstairs I hear the sound of several hoofsteps and angry muttering "I think that the townsponies want to exchange angry words with you Alka Hest..."

He sighs "They shouldn't be able to find-" something crashes and dust falls from the ceiling "Or maybe they will. The experiment shouldn't take too long to finish! Doctor!"

"I understand, Ditzy, can you stall for us?"

She nods and pushes the lever up, opening the bookcase at the top of the steps and walking out to try and talk with them.

A few minutes later she darts down the stairs, closing the bookcase and marble pillars "I'm supposing they didn't listen to reason..."

She shakes her head "We should be able to hide out her for-

Several of the marble beams crumble behind us, the sounds of the enraged townsponies drowning out the sound of the bubbling beakers and machinery "Doctor..." Ditzy whimpers, cowering from the door "We need to go..."

Alka Hest and I look up from the readouts "We just need a few more seconds!"

The point of an axe breaks through the solid wooden door, and Ditzy grabs me by the shoulders "Doctor!! We don't have the time!! Can't we just cart this stuff into the TARDIS?!"

Before either of us can answer, the doors groan on their hinges, a battering ram slamming into them "Just a few more..."

Alka stands up and adjusts his glasses "I can hold them off for a little bit, finish the experiment... ALLONS-Y!!"

Ditzy grabs him "You're the only one who can do this.! Do you have a cloak or something?"

He nods and roots through a box before pulling out a dusty cloak "Yes, how will-"

She throws it on me and tucks my tail under it "You and The Doctor have similar coats and builds, The two of us will charge through the mob and have them chase us back to town. Use that time to make the firing-bomb-thing!"

I nod to him "Yes, so long as I don't say anything, they'll think I'm you." we walk over to the lever and nod to him "Good luck my friend."

He blinks and nods in resignation "I understand, Godspeed Doctor, may we meet again, fate allowing."

I nod back "I hope so as well. Now!" Ditzy pushes the lever up and we charge out of the staircase I hope this works...

The bookcase gives and we fly over the debris, and they yell in recognition and give chase, following me and Ditzy "Ditzy, this is the second time I've played bait today... I think that's a personal record."

She giggles and shakes her head at me "You're funny Doctor. Anyways, we need to conserve oxygen."

I nod and jump aside to avoid a tree, the townsponies gaining slowly.

The TARDIS comes into view and I sonic open the doors, jumping into it and Ditzy pulls the doors closed "Ms. TARDIS! Please take us someplace that isn't here!"

"What are you-" I ask before the TARDIS starts to rise and disappear "... She never listens to me..."

Ditzy wipes her forehead and grins "I think it's because you don't ask politely."

"... I think you may have a point." I reply, pondering the many times I'd tried to talk to The TARDIS.

We land and I look at the readout "We're... in modern Prance, right where we were two hundred and fifty-nine years ago..."

Ditzy shrugs "I said 'Somewhere else', but somewhen is good too. Want to go see if Alka Hest is still alive?"

I turn to her "What?! There's no possible way that he'd live two and a half centuries!"

"Alchemists are a tricky group, why don't we go see if he has any descendants?"

"Why not?" I ask, walking towards where the house stood.

"... Ditzy, is it me, or is the house gone, but the trapdoor..." I knock on the storm cellar-esque doors A bit harder to see from afar, but not so much up close.

The doors open, blue and red eyes on a grey-white coat stare out "Doctor?"

I flinch "Yes...?"

He jumps out, and hugs me "I've read so much about you! I'm Alka Hest the second. The one you met was my great grandfather." he releases me "Wow! I thought for sure that you were a construct of his guilty conscience, but..." he shakes his head in disbelief "You saved my great grandfather's life and career."

"How so?"

He sighs and nods to the now homunculus free Prance "How about we talk it over lunch?"

Ditzy nudges me as we follow "How am I understanding what he's saying? isn't he speaking Prench?"

"You didn't know? The TARDIS has a translation circuit, it automatically translates any language you hear, see, or experience into the one you understand. Even what we're saying can be understood."

She stares at me in awe "Wow... does that mean you're speaking... Gallifreyian?"

"No, I'm speaking English. Timelord is more or less a mathematical language that is expressed by sight rather than hearing and speaking."

"Huh... that's neat! Can you teach me it?"

"Erm... it's more than likely impossible for you to learn it."

She shrugs "At least I tried. So, want to get those souvenirs?"

"So he became famous for stopping his own creation?"

Alka Hest nods "Yes, but it was so massive, that they built a building to protect it from the elements. Come on."

He leads us to a large glass pyramid in front of an impressive building several times the height of the pyramid "Oh you have got to be kidding..." I mutter, my eye twitching "They built The Louvre to hold a giant clay homunculus?"

He shakes his head "No, that's the pyramid."

He waves to a guard and a small triangle on the pyramid's opens like a door.

Inside is the Homunculus, the same color it was when I last saw it, but shrunken slightly and immobile. In its hands is a trio of statues, one of Alka Hest the first, the other is of a grey Pegasus with a mane and tail of gold, wise, mirthful eyes partially hidden by impressive wings, and the last of a sepia stallion with a slicked back mane and tail, a smirk highlighting the intelligent blue eyes he had. In the other is... a blue cube.

Ditzy gasps, blushing and her wings spread in excitement "W-we're the Golem's two nameless subjects?! And... The TARDIS! I mean, it's just a big blue cube, but... oh sweet stars... this is..." she falls onto her back, looking up at the statues, her wings splayed on the floor "More than breathtaking..."

I sit next to her "And isn't this better than some old picture?"

She turns to me and pulls me into a crushing hug "Doctor! This is the most wonderful thing I've seen! I'm... immortalized in both scientific, artistic, and cultural history!! And so are you! There've been debates as to what they meant, but... they were of us..." she smiles, tears running down her cheeks "I... I... I can't... oh Doctor... this is too much..." she shudders "Thank you..."

I blush and hug her back, patting her back "You're welcome, my friend..."

Maybe Midnight was right about Friendship...

Author's Note

Next time, on Doctor Whooves: I won't run anymore...

"Ditzy, ghosts don't exist! I'm sure that whatever is going on in that house is perfectly logical."

She shivers and nods weakly "I know... but something tells me there's something wicked there."

Lyra cackles "Beware the spiders that walk like a pony, fear the hunched witch who they call 'Mother'. Come on Ditzy, if there was something there, I'd know about it."

She smiles weakly and nods "Yeah... nothing but an old mare's tale meant to frighten foals...