Chapters Ponies are everywhere these days.
I hate traffic.
How is that interesting? Any human, or pony for that matter, hates being stuck in a tiny metal can randomly doing the stop-and-go dance with a clear view of miles of other metal cans randomly doing the same stop-and-go dance. You’re going forward, and lurch to a stop. Yay, the traffic is moving! Forward, lurch to stop. Forwa-stop. Driver or passenger, you’re in for a crappy time once you enter the belly of the gridlock.
At least misery enjoys company. On these long journeys across the state roadways, I usually have the pleasure of carpooling with my good friend, Rachel. “They’re talking about another species migrating here. It’s the griffons this time.” Rachel, for the record, is a fellow human. You have to make the distinction these days, especially with creatures like griffons making their homes here. “I swear they got a copy of a D&D rule book and are just tossing out creatures as they flip through the pages.”
I nod as I eased the break enough to inch forward. “I’m a fan of the idea that they just google ‘mythical creature’ and release what comes up.”
Rachel’s fingers tapped away at her phone. “Googling ‘mythical creature’ brings up a griffon, another griffon thing, and then a unicorn. Griffons would’ve come first if your theory is a thing.” Freaking passengers. At least she has a phone to play with in this traffic.
The car lurched to a stop as I tapped the break. “Maybe they threw darts at the screen and chose whatever the dart landed on.”
Rachel shrugged. She had her phone, the perfect conversation exit device. Just stare at it long enough and it gets the message across. Bit rude, since she started up the conversation in the first place.
Me, all I had was a view of the back of the sedan in front of me, a sky with a few pegasi flying about, and a radio tuned in to NPR. “…State lawmakers are still unsure of how to regulate magic. ” I heard this bit already in the morning, but all the other stations are crap so NPR it is. “The process is made even more complicated by how unexpected magical abilities seem to appear daily. Just last month, a pegasus broke the sound barrier and created a rainbow within a sonic boom. As impressive as the sight was, citizens complained when she did it over the streets of Boston.”
Oh right, the Sonic Rainboom incident. I forgot about that. The subpoena for that popped in the mailbox last week. Rainbow’s going to want that when she gets back from her trip. She owes, what, five thousand dollars for broken windows? Something like that. “ On Tuesday, human Republican Senator Scott Harvey demanded all magic to be banned, ‘Magic is a unknown and dangerous weapon that will be used against us.’ Harvey is one of the more level-headed voices among the ”-
Yeah, I can’t stand news stories I heard already. With a flip of the dial, the radio fell onto a classic rock station. “Every breath you take… ” Sure, why not? There aren’t as many songs these days that have a nostalgic feel to them. “Every move you make… ” This one’s a good all-rounder, perfect for every occasion. “Every bond you break, every step you take, I’ll be watching you. ” Alright, if you actually listen to the lyrics, this one isn’t good for a first date, or a wedding… or a funeral. Does it matter? I’m driving, I’m in traffic, I like the tune, so the Police can sing about chopping me up and serving me on a platter for all I care.
The whole pony-human integration thing is all well and good, but there are a few things that tick me off about the ponies. They remind me I don’t have wings, for instance. Ponies gave us magic, we gave them technology. That technology includes phones with GPS built into them, which a pegasus these days wouldn’t be caught dead without one. Downside is our current GPS apps don’t take into account flight and lead pegasi to fly along the roads. As a result, you always see pegasi flying over traffic, including the traffic I’m stuck in.
Just look at that pink one. He’s staring at his phone while I’m staring at him. He can go wherever he wants but he’s up above, taunting all the drivers down here that he can fly and we can’t. I’m burning a quarter tank of gas and he’s burning a few calories.
In an attempt to distract myself, I glanced over to my left to see what the other driver was doing. There’s a purple unicorn at the wheel, not a unique sight these days. He’s staring at the pegasi, too, wishing he could fly out of here as well. News flash buckaroo, you’re a unicorn. I’ve seen you guys teleport and do all kinds of crazy crap.
I looked back at the pink pegasus just in time to see him slip up. The colt was too trapped in his phone that he didn’t see the back of the semi trailer. Imagine a person tripping on a ledge and doing a summersault, but in the air. If you can imagine that, then you can imagine what it looked like to see a pink pegasus tumble onto the back of a truck. The poor guy did a face-plant on the roof. I’ll admit, I laughed more than I should, but I wasn't alone. The unicorn driver laughed too.
Did it make the traffic easier to deal with? No. In fact, I think it made it a tad worse. His phone flew through the air and cracked someone’s windshield. Late night news will report the death of one cell phone in vehicular manslaughter.
Speaking of phones, my laughing made Rachel looked up from hers. “Did something happen?” Too late for her .The pegasus already got up and flew away unscathed.
“I caught the driver next to us picking his nose” Yeah, I lied. I do that. Rachel knows I do. She may have believed me if the unicorn wasn’t cracking up still. In my defense, speaking of the moment would ruin it. I needed a white lie.
Rachel looked off at another direction on the road. “How much further do we have?”
Lift the brake, drift forward, press the break to a stop. “About four exits.”
“Great, and my phone died.” Isn’t that a tragedy. She pocketed her phone and leaned the seat back to its fullest extent. “Do you know what movies are out right now? There’s got to be something good this weekend.”
“There’s nothing I really want to see.” Lift brake, press brake. Who needs the gas pedal? “I think there’s a Nicolas Sparks novel thing coming out, but those movies got old the first three times I saw them.”
“I think I’ll go see that one. I’m in the mood for a good romance.”
“Go right on ahead. I got a book to finish up this weekend.” I can see it now, Jennifer Government , sitting on my dresser, fully read and completed. I don’t know why that’s an accomplishment. It’s not a long book.
“If your roommate wants, she can come see it with me. It’d be fun, a cross-species bonding night.”
Lift, press, lift, press. “She’s on a trip, so don’t count on it. Even if she was here, she’d be too ‘awesome’ for a romance.”
“I thought you said the Notebook made her cry.”
“Yeah, when she thought I wasn’t home. For the record, you don’t want her watching it with you. She bottles up her emotions so much she wails when she cries. You wouldn’t hear a thing over that”-
Thud
Rachel squealed in surprise. “What the hell!” The car rocked forward. We both jumped up when our seats kicked us up.
The body of a pony blocked my view of the road. Blue coat, rainbow mane, no mistaking who it was. How in the hell she managed to find me, I have no clue. “Speak of the freaking devil.” Her hoof tapped on the windshield as she tried to say something I couldn’t hear. “I hope my hood isn’t busted.”
Her voice flittered through the car as I rolled down the window. “Maddie! Maddie! Open the trunk! I need something from the trunk!”
I yelled out the window. “What!”
“Trunk, I need the trunk! Open it up now, it’s urgent.” She never looked this panicked when talking to me before. “Fate of the world and all that jazz, Equestria needs me!”
I heard the first honk behind me. The cars next to me were moving, but this pegasus kept me in place. “Can’t you wait for whatever you need till I get home? I’m stuck in traffic!”
“You’re in gridlock, not going 80 in a 65 lane.” She slid off the car hood and trotted past my window. “Though I still could catch up to you if you were speeding. Trunk, now, need it.”
“What the hell do you need? And why is it in my trunk? You don’t even drive!”
Her wings were flapping crazy. “No time, I’ll explain later!”
I snapped my head around when I felt Rachel tap my shoulder. Judging from how she jumped back, I may have looked angrier than I intended to. “Hey, if your roommate needs something from your trunk, could I go back to get my phone charger?”
Cars were swerving around me now. There was a stretch of empty road in front of me that other cars were fighting over. Honks and beeps went all over the place. I think an earth pony flipped me the bird. I leaned down and flipped a lever, popping the trunk. “Make it quick.”
Rainbow zipped behind the car while Rachel threw open the door and ran out. “Careful with my door! You almost hit another car!” Why do I drive? Why can’t I be a pegasus and fly around and not deal with other pegasi opening my trunk? Well, if they were colt pegasi, it may be an issue.
All of the sudden, the honking behind me stopped. Cars began to swerve away from me, giving a couple yards of distance. The trunk slammed, then Rachel popped back into my car, pulling the door shut behind her. “Are you allowed to have all that stuff in your trunk?”
“What stuff? My trunk is empty, I have no idea”-
My head snapped around when I heard a tap on the window. Rainbow Dash looked at me with a big “thank-you” smile on her face, and an M-16 clenched in her hooves. “Thanks Maddie, I owe you one!”
She zipped away into the sky before my dumbstruck brain could yell at her. “Did she… She put an assault rifle in my car?!” A distant Sonic Rainboom answered me. The rainbow shockwave rolled over the car moments later. “What the hell?!”
“I’m guessing you never saw the arsenal in your trunk?” No, duh. Damn it, Rachel, who the hell agrees to keep an arsenal in their… wait, arsenal?
My hands were about to tear up the rubber on my steering wheel. I nearly rear-ended the guy in front of me. “Did you say arsenal?”
“Y-yes.” She made the wise decision to not pull out her phone as a conversation exit. Good girl.
“How’s the weather today?”
Why do humans put up with commutes? We have magic now, can’t we just set up a teleportation system and be done with cars all together. Left work at 5 and got back home around 7 after dropping Rachel off. That’s a good two hours of my day gone, and around seven hundred hours a year I’ll never get back.
Great, the sun's already setting.
First thing I immediately did when I got back home was pop the trunk. If Rainbow pulled an assault rifle out of my car, who the hell knows what else my trunk is packing. I checked around to see if there was anyone that would see something they shouldn’t. Lord help me if a jogger caught a glimpse of a rocket launcher. Be damned beyond salvation if it's a cop. After a quick look around, nobody was coming my way. I walked to the back of my car and lifted the back of my trunk to find…
Jerky.
At some point, Rainbow stuffed my trunk with packets of beef jerky. I gagged when I got a whiff of all that jerky. To my dismay, it didn’t stop at the jerky. The butts and barrels of several assault rifles stuck out of the jerky pile. The roof of the trunk had a rack full of ammo magazines nailed to it. That dang pegasus had the gall to hang a sign to the rack saying, “RD’s stash, don’t touch.” My car’s trunk was the wet-dream of a hitman who really loves beef jerky.
I couldn’t slam the trunk any faster. The jerky smell was starting to burn my eyes. Rainbow was destined for a long talk about keeping her stuff out of my space. There was no possibility of me moving the stash out in the daylight. I had a healthy paranoia that a vigilant neighbor would report me to the police as some psychopath.
I left my car parked on the side of the street, hoping someone would steal it so I could report it and pretend those guns belonged to the thief. Not much else I could do about it.
The rest of the night was spent doing my routine. The mailbox had nothing interesting in it. Bills, bills, invitation for Rainbow to go to a gala in Equestira, junkmail, bills, pamphlet from United Humanity about the evils of ponies, junkmail. I saved the bills and invitation, throwing out the rest when I entered the house.
I went shopping after Rainbow left for her trip, so at least I had something to eat. Tonight’s five star meal is pre-made lasagna. When you’re always getting home at seven at night, the best meal is always a quick one. Preheat the oven, toss the dohicky in, and forget about it for an hour. If you’re the only one eating it, you got leftovers for the next night and a couple lunches.
After setting up that little meal, I fell into the living room couch and opened up my laptop. The wonders of the internet at my fingertips, and I had enough energy to barely browse the news. United Humanity membership on the rise. Star Pool reveals magic-infused rocket design. 10 things you won’t believe magic can do. Ohio town council discusses banning pony books from libraries. It’s the standard stuff you see these days.
As I’m browsing through a page I found about the Star Pool project, my IM messenger popped up in the corner, telling me Justin Raid wanted to talk to me. “How’s the weather today?”
It's always got the same message every time I came home. “It rained cats and dogs and caused millions of dollars in property damage. Animal control is now hiring.” I pressed enter.
Justin Raid stayed quiet. I scrolled through the article until I heard the pop again. “Be serious. How was the weather today?”
I finished reading the paragraph I was on before sending another reply. “The gates of hell opened in the skies and let forth a fog of blood that caused traffic delays for several hours.”
Mister Raid did not catch me in a good mood today. As if he care, it wasn’t in his programming. His next message didn’t take as long. “Be serious. How was the weather today?”
I knew this song and dance. Raid wouldn’t go away until I replied exactly how he wanted. “It’s all sunshine and rainbows! A puppy smiled at me today and made the world brighter for everyone.”
Justin Raid, being the robot he is, spent no time sending a reply. “Be serious. How was the weather today?”
This guy literally has no personality. Why should I even bother with him? “Clear skies, sunny all day, happy now?”
The front door opened while I waiting for the response. “Maddie, I’m home!” I’ll take three tries to guess who that raspy voice belongs to. “Equestria is still great as ever. You should visit more.” Oh, I could hear my week’s worth of silence cashing down in only a couple of seconds.
I had a speech prepped about my trunk. Boy, was that pegasus going to get an earful! Justin Raid pinged me before I went for my chance. “Good to hear. Keep working.”
Rainbow had that smug grin she had whenever she came back from her trips. “Guess who stopped the Cult of Chaos from bringing world destruction to Equestria?” She leaped through the air, landing and skidding across the living room in a power slide. She whipped her mane to the side, revealing the M-16 strapped to her back. “This gal!” She pointed to herself and flashed a grin at me.
“This gal” had trouble reading facial queues, especially the angry looking ones. Screw the speech. Got to go right for the throat. “Why the hell is my trunk full of jerky and guns?”
Her grin faded as she put her hoof back down. “I kinda forgot I had those in there.”
Oh, you are not in a position to screw with me. “You forgot?”
“Yep.”
“Well, you forgot to ask me if you could use my trunk in the first place.”
“Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.”
“Dully noted. I still want to know why you did it.”
She pulled the assault rifle off and tossed in onto the table. “I found a jerky sale in a different state, so I borrowed your car while you were at work and filled up the trunk with as much jerky as I could buy.”
“And the guns?”
Rainbow flew over the couch and went into the kitchen. “Store bought. Don’t worry, they’re registered and I’m licensed.” She flew back into the living room with a packet of jerky in her hoof. “And before you ask, no, I don’t shoot them at any pony or person. Just giant monsters on rampages.”
“I thought you fight those guys with just your bare hooves?”
She shrugged as she plopped into the chair. “I wanted to try something new. Didn’t work out. Turns out that gun can’t shoot. It’s a piece of trash.”
I glanced down at the M-16 on the table. Rainbow had completely disregarded any and all gun safety rules handling this thing. The barrel was pointed sideways and not down. The magazine was still in and loaded. A stick poked out from the trigger guard, presumably so she could leverage the trigger with her hoof. The only saving grace was that the safety was still in place. I hope to god she doesn’t figure out how to turn off the safety. My best play was to feign ignorance and hope she doesn't google it. “I don’t know what’s wrong with it…” White lie, for the sake of humanity.
“Figures.” Rainbow shoved a piece of jerky in her mouth and started chewing. “That hydra would’ve gone down faster if that thing worked.”
“Might have. You still have your crap in my trunk.”
“I’ll take care of it in a bit. Give me a break, I just got back from saving the world. You won’t even smell the jerky when I’m done.”
Pain in the butt. A part of me still wanted to give an entire speech about responsibility and such, but the rest knew how pointless it'll be. At least when Rainbow says she’ll do something, she’ll do it, at her own pace.
The IM made its pop sound on my laptop. It wasn’t Justin Raid this time, not that I expected him to message me more than once. This time it was Rachel. “Maddie, I need a bit of help.”
Rainbow let out an obnoxious groan as she stretched across the chair. “Tell you what, for using your trunk as a jerky fridge, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll share my jerky stash with you, and get you a steak dinner on top of that.”
“I told you, I’m a vegetarian.” I knew she was screwing with me. Little bits of me were starting to rub off onto her. Now that's a troubling thought, another me. I hate meeting people that are like me, because I know how irritating I am. In a couple seconds I sent a message back to Rachel. “What do you need?”
Unlike me, Dash didn’t know how to stop screwing around. “Vegetarianism doesn’t have to stop you from eating meat. Just look at me! I’ll take you around town and stop by every burger joint. Afterwards, we’ll have venison at the glue factory and take a tour. I’ll make a holiday out of it. We’ll celebrate Meat Day for now on, starting Tuesday.”
“Sure, I’d go with that, but only if we bring your friends along for the ride.” I held in a chuckle as she frowned. I could see the gears turning to make a comeback to that, but she fell flat. Don’t try to out-screw me. I’m the screw master!
It didn’t take long for Rachel’s next message to come through. “Could I stay at your place? A dragon burnt down my house.”
As roommates go, she's a pain in the butt.
Have you ever had an empty fridge? It’s a pain in the butt. You open it, look inside, find a bottle of mustard and maybe a packet of swiss, close it and try to find something else to eat. Well great, maybe you can get something from the pantry, or the cupboard, or between the couch cushions. Then you walk all the way back to the fridge, open it up again, and start the whole process over again. It’s some sort of predestination bull in which I always end up back at the fridge. Mouse finds fridge, finds no cheese, runs through the maze, finds the fridge again, still no cheese. I think even my window peeper guy thinks the whole ordeal is sad, and that’s a creep who thinks everything a lady does in her home is everything but sad.
Welp, my hair looks like a mop, that rules out leaving the house for dinner. It’s not like there are options beyond McDonalds. I was half-way into convincing myself to order a pizza when my roommate decided to walk up behind me. “Oh right, I was gonna run to the store today. I knew I forgot something.”
I look behind me to see none other than Rainbow… something. I keep forgetting her last name. I think it’s Blitz, or was that her cousin? As far as roommates go, Rainbow is… a roommate. Neither good or bad, just has her unexpected moments. Unexpected as in a, “Huh, I didn’t expect that,” kind of way, not, “Why the hell is there a magical portal to Tartarus in the kitchen?” She likes beef jerky, which I didn’t expect at first. Now I see her chewing on some jerky whenever she’s in the house, like right now.
Here she is, pulling a piece of jerky from the pantry, gnawing at it while I’m stuck in a maze trying to find my cheese. As far as roommates go, I kind of hate her right now. “Ain’t that peachy.” Bending over and looking through the fridge didn’t hide the rumble my in stomac. “I’ll order a pizza. Meat supreme, right?”
Rainbow looked up as she mulled over her jerky. “I feel like Chinese night tonight. Could you order Judge Po?”
“Do you want the kung po pork?”
“Beef stir fry.”
I gave a little nod before slamming the fridge door. “Beef stir fry it is.”
Rainbow smiled with half a jerky hanging out of her mouth, and then trotted off into the living room to do whatever ponies do when waiting for back-alley Chinese delivery. The TV burst to life in the other room, blaring the intro to Panty and Stocking . Apparently, the main characters in that show looked like her friends. If she had a purple-haired goth and a blonde bimbo as friends… actually, I would hardly be surprised if that was the case.
I pulled out my phone and punched in the Judge Po number, Rainbow gets her jerky and I get my opposable fingers, when the door knocked. “I’ll get it,” I called out. I didn’t have to say that. I’m the only one who ever answers the door. Considering what species my roommate is, it’s better to keep her away from the door at all times. Who knows, it could be a guy pitching for an Equestrian endorsement spot for some unrelated brand.
The door knocked a second time before I opened it. The person waiting wasn’t an enthusiastic recruiter, or a person for that matter. “Hi Maddie,” a voice squealed. Nope, she was another genuine, pure blood pony from the magical land of who cares. I think I’ve seen this one before, fluffy mane, entirely pink, perpetual smile. It’s hard to forget her name.
“Hey Rainbow! Pinkie’s here to see you.” I don’t know if that darn pegasus heard me. You could hear one of Garnerbelt’s famous speeches blaring from the TV two rooms away. Might as well have an idle conversation while I wait. “Hi Pinkie, how’s the trip?”
“It was zippidy doo da!” I noticed she’s been working on her inside voice. “We were in Equestria, then we zipped off in a spell to ippidy through the fabric of space-time to doo whatever we did to get here to come and say ta-Da, we made it!”
“So I-80 wasn’t backed up today?”
“Nah, we took the back roads. You should drive by the river. Fluttershy saw a duck family waddle through- Hey Rainbow Dash!”
“Sup Pinkie.” I walked away from the door as the pegasus took my place. As far as roommates go, Rainbow is exclusive when it came to her friends. Sure, she didn’t butt you out of the conversation, but they talk about things that just go over my head. I think it’s because they talk a lot about parties and stuff like that, with the occasional tale about saving a town with a friendship lesson.
The kitchen was mine again, though the jerky took up a good bit of counter space. Curse the jerky, it follows me everywhere. It’s weird, I never see Rainbow with her jerky when a friend opens a door. One moment she’s happily chewing on it, the next it’s hidden out of sight. She even manages to hide the bad breath jerky gives you, which may be due to pony magic. Come to think of it, she never eats meat of any kind when a friend is over. She always insists on a vegetable casserole when a pony friend stays to eat. Huh, weird.
I pick up my phone and dial Judge Po again. “Judge Po,” the voice answers me, “We do convictions and take out. You calling about the convictions or the take out?”
“Hi, could I get an orange rice paddie?”
“Orange paddy, anything else?”
“Also, can you bring a beef stir fry dish. That’ll be all.”
“Paddy and stir fry, that’ll be fifteen dollars. Are you registered with us to practice law? You can get a meaty discount.”
I tell him my information and make the purchase over the phone. Rainbow came into the kitchen about the same time I hung up. “Chinese is on its way,” I said, nodding to the general direction Judge Po’s is located. “Is Pinkie eating with us?”
She shook her head as she plopped a piece of jerky in her mouth. It’s weird how her hair looks decent even if she messes it up. Makes me want to be a pony, no more hair care, magic will take care of me. “She already ate. And I won’t be eating either. I’ll be going for a few days. Some giant bird named Raw is attacking Equestria. The Elements of Harmony are needed.”
“What!? I just paid the order! The beef stir fry! I can’t eat that.”
Rainbow shrugged, throwing her jerky into the pantry. “Save it for leftovers. There’s nothing to eat here anyways.”
“But I’m a vegetarian!” Too late. The pegasus had flown out of the house too quick to hear me, leaving a rainbow trail through the hall. From the other room, I could hear the cackling of the sinister Scanty and malicious Kneesocks.
As far as roommates go, Rainbow Dash is a pain in the butt.
