It was a wonderful day in Ponyville, and for the first time since being stuck here, I was actually enjoying the warm summer sun, the cool, gentle breeze, and the overabundance of colors around me. It was a wonderful feeling indeed, and I decided to walk around the lake near Ponyville and just enjoy the view.
I stepped out of the rebuilt library-slash-treehouse-slash-clinic-slash-yadda yadda-slash-whatever else it’s supposed to be called and feasted at the sight before me. I saw a couple of ponies wave at me, wishing me a good day, and I smiled and waved back at them. Surely this was a wonderful day.
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths of cool, clean, crisp air. When I opened my eyes, I was taken aback by what I saw. In front of me was what looked to be the entire Equestrian Army, composed of numerous battalions of Solar Guards, Batponies, Crystal Guards, and Twilight’s Royal Army (a.k.a. Sir Spike, Hero of the Crystal Empire, protector of fair Rarity, and some other titles we made up when we got drunk). Leading them was none other than Twilight’s B.B.B.F.F., the Captain of the Royal Guard, and Princess Cadence’s husband, Shining Armor.
There were a million questions in my head, and I asked, what to me, was the most important of them all. “How’d you all get here so fast?”
“We had Pinkie Pie train us for emergencies such as this” replied Shining Armor.
Never ever question the Pink One if you know what’s good for you. “I see. So, what did I do wrong? It must have been pretty bad since they sent every damned soldier in Equestria after me.”
With a sheepish grin, Shining Armor replied “Well, actually, Spike was supposed to be the only one to escort you. However, I was there when the letter popped up, and I thought that it would be a good idea to organize SOME members of the military and have them trained for human escort and capture duties. What I didn’t expect was that a lot of them would show up on such short notice.”
“So, it’s a game of ‘Capture the Human’” I replied coolly.
Shining armor nodded his head.
I sighed. “I was afraid it would come to this. Be warned though. We humans are not as helpless as you think we are.”
I started recalling what I learned from the various masters that I have trained under. In my life back on earth, I had trained on numerous kung fu techniques focusing on Tai Chi, Wudang, and Shaolin Kung Fu. I placed my palms together in a praying position. I was the calm before the storm, and I felt sorry for the ponies that would face my wrath.
I shouted at the top of my voice. “Witness the greatest martial arts technique known to man! Witness the fearsome fighting technique of........” I took a deep breath, ready to unleash my fury. “THE CHEETAH!” and I turned around and ran as fast as I could.
With the first step, I realized that there was no way to outrun the ponies, and if even if I was able to hide, they would still find me and I’d probably be in deeper trouble than I was right now.
With the second step, it dawned on me that I’d just give myself a heart attack.
I stopped myself on the third step, turned around and raised my arms and told them that I was surrendering. I was surprised by the sounds of moping, whines, aww’s, and I swear I could hear a sad trombone playing somewhere amongst their midst. I looked at the army in front of me, and I saw a sea of sad faces, with some ponies looking at me with teary eyed, puppy dog eyes. It should have been a crime against the universe for something to be this sickeningly cute. I looked at Shining Armor and asked him what the problem was. I was sure that he was blushing.
“Well, you see, we were kind of hoping that you’d resist or something” he said awkwardly.
I facepalmed and told him that I’d only play along if the entire army was composed of mares. He smiled, and I saw his horn shimmer for a moment and then he released a spell into the air, dispelling the illusionary magic that made every guard look the same. What lay before me was thousands of mares, who were now looking excited for what was about to happen.
I sighed once again. I might as well get this over with. With a grand pose I pointed to the sea of mares in front of me, and did my best evil impersonation. “YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT THIS EVIL HUMAN! I AM SO EVIL THAT MY EVILNESS IS THE MOST EVIL OF ALL!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DID AND NO ONE CAN STOP MY EVIL SCHEME!! ATTACK ME IF YOU DARE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-“
My evil reign of terror ended when all the ponies piled on me and cuddled me. I blacked out not from the crushing weight (who knew ponies would not weigh anything at all when they cuddlepile you?) but from the sheer absurdity of my situation.
Author's Note
When I woke up, I found myself sitting somewhere inside the Crystal Caverns. I tried to move my arms and legs, but they were strapped tight. I could feel myself hyperventilating. I thought back to all the things that I have done, trying to figure out what I did wrong when I came into this world, and aside from being rude to the princesses, all I came up with was a blank.
I started panicking now. My life was at the complete mercy of the Princesses. The worst part was that if anyone ever came looking for me, the Princesses would just say that I went home. Shallow, unmarked grave, here I come.
The sounds of hoofsteps worsened my panic. The cell door opened, and in stepped the four princesses. They all wore blank, expressionless faces. The first to approach me was Princess Cadance. She placed a hoof on my shoulder, and what she said next changed the atmosphere in the room. She only said one word but it was enough.
“Breathe”
It was only now that I realized that I was holding my breath. I exhaled, letting out all the negative energy inside. I breathed deep, gathering the energy around me, using it to open the floodgates within me, ready to unleash my inner fury.
“WHATEVER IT WAS I DIDN’T DO IT! I WAS ONLY KIDDING ABOUT BEING SO HUNGRY THAT I COULD EAT A HORSE! I NEVER SACRIFICED ANY SLIGHTLY USED VIRGINS! I DON’T WASH MY HANDS AFTER I GO TO THE BATHROOM! I SPAT ON LUNA’S SALAD! I WAS KIDDING WHEN I CALLED CELESTIA A MILF! I AM SLIGHTLY OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE! I’M LEFT HANDED! I DON’T WANT TO GO TO PRISON! I WANT A LAWYER! WAHHHHHH!!!”
“SILENCE!” cried Princess Luna in her trademark Royal Canterlot Voice.
I shut my mouth to save my eardrums from any further damage.
Princess Cadance giggled. “It’s okay, Doc. We’re not gonna hurt you”
I was pretty sure Princess Luna added a “much” to that line.
Princess Celestia stepped forward. “We have no intention of hurting you. Now, Twilight, please put down that boulder.”
“But Princess! This is for science! Doctor Quack survived being piled on by almost three thousand ponies! I’m pretty sure he can-“
Celestia gave Twilight a stern stare. With a disappointed sigh, Twilight put the boulder down.
Celestia turned and faced me. “Now where were we...Ah! Yes! Twilight if you please.”
Princess Twilight stepped forward. “Last week, I noticed something different about Trixie when she visited the castle...”
I prayed that Trixie did not break her Pinkie Promise. I’d be in a lot of trouble if she did.
Twilight continued. “I tried asking her what the two of you did, but she only said that she does not break her Pinkie Promises. It is our wish that whatever you did to Trixie, you also do to us.”
I saw the princesses blushing. They thought it was easy, they thought it would be fun, they never realized that it was the longest two hours of my life. I adamantly told them that I would not be doing it to them.
Princess Luna cleared her throat. “You know that we have our ways, and we can start by breaking your fingers.”
I clenched my fingers. Faustdamnit, how did they know?!
Princess Cadance placed a hoof on Luna’s shoulder. “But auntie, he needs that to do his work! Let’s start with his feet first and work our way up!” Cadance and Luna gave me evil, wicked, sadistic grins.
I gulped. “H-How did you know?”
Twilight smiled. “Trixie may not have told us what we wanted to know, but I made a lot of observations that day. The way she moved, the way her hair bounced, the look of pure bliss on her, the blush on her face when I asked her what the two of you did, and by the Goddess, the way she smelled! It was easy to figure out what the two of you did.”
I knew I was in trouble, and it broke my brain. The only thing that came out of it was “But-, but-, but-“
Celestia cleared her throat. “Twilight sent me a letter detailing what she saw, and I cast a scrying spell to confirm my suspiscions. Yes, it was her, uhm, butt, that told a thousand stories, and now, we wish that you do the same thing to us.”
Cadance then used her magic to levitate a small table in front of me, while Luna used hers to place a bottle on top of it.
This would be torture, this would be agony, this, would not end well at all. I shook my head vehemently.
“I think it’s time we brought out our bribes” said Celestia.
First up was Twilight. With her magic, she conjured up a box. “Since you seem to say that you always hate summer, I asked Rarity to design this for you” said Twilight as she opened the box and levitated its contents in front of me. “These 'tee shirts' and 'shorts' are enchanted to keep you cool and comfortable, and these, I think you call them slippers, are the best I could come up with, but I hope you like it.” The slippers looked like the wooden ones from Japan in my world and I have to say that her bribe was really good, but how would it stack up to the other princesses?
Twilight put everything back in the box and stepped back. Up next was Cadance.
I saw something float to the table. It looked like a book of some sort. I saw a smile from Princess Cadance, and her horn lit up. The book, enveloped in a bluish aura, opened and my jaw dropped. Inside were pictures of my crush, Shoeshine. The pictures ranged from stolen shots, her school pictures, and the coup-de-grace, pictures of her in SOCKS! The book closed, and Cadance stepped back.
It was Luna’s turn now. She stepped forward, obscuring my vision, and whispered in my ear. “We have our ways.” When she stepped back, I was floored by what I saw. There in front of me was the most beautiful telescope I have ever seen. She smiled and I sensed Luna’s presence inside me. I heard Luna’s voice inside my head say “When the moon rises, point the telescope at my chamber. You will surely enjoy the view."
Last was Celestia. She handed me a picture. “I’ve been studying this obsession you have. This is a picture of what you will get when you do what we ask. It comes all the way from the Leonine tribes of Zebrabwe. There is enough in here to feed you for a half a year, or two weeks if you don’t take it slowly. There is no cow meat though, but the pig and chicken meat is more than enough to sate your appetite.” The picture contained various meats inside a frozen cellar. Damn ponies, always messing with you, and doing it in the most adorable way possible.
“Alright, I know I’m going to regret this. Let’s get this over with. I’m pretty sure that the first to ascend among you is the one that needs it most so, let’s go, Celestia.”
I felt the bonds holding me unfasten. I stood up, grabbed the bottle of mane conditioner and asked Celestia to lead us to the nearest bathroom. This is going to be the longest, most excruciating week I will ever have but I guess I have to get used to it, after all, human fingers are more versatile in removing the tangles in a pony’s mane.
Author's Note
Took me two hours to remove all the tangles from my Trixie Build-a-Bear plush, and that was just the tail. The mane took another three hours. It was agonizing, it was tedious, but it seemed to have made Trixie's smile a little bit wider.
