I Ragrit Nothing

by Regidar

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1076

Pinkie Pie gets Twilight's feedback on a new change she's undertaken.

Twilight Sparkle understands that change is essential for life just as well as anypony.

But is it always for the best?

Written for the May 2015 Writeoff "I Regret Nothing"

Needless to say, I did not win.

Published 2015-05-30 23:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-05-30 23:20:02 UTC

You Only Live Once

Hiss.

“Ah, finally alone! Just me, this tea, and some three century year old manuscripts of plays from the Bitorian era...”

Click.

“Huh?”

SPROING!

“HOLY SH—”

“HI, TWILIGHT!”

“GAH! PINKIE!”

“Did I surprise you!”

“Y-Yes! Very much so!”

“Hehe! I knew I would! I always do!”

“Yes... imagine that. H-How... how did you fit in there?”

“I have my secrets!”

“Uh-huh...”

“Whatcha up to?”

“Well, I’m glad you asked! You see, I was just about to settle down to a nice evening of Earl Grey and Voltmare. I really feel that the nuances of his... his uh...”

“His what?”

“U-Uh...”

“Come on, Twilight! Don’t keep a mare on the tips of her hooves!”

“Uh... Pinkie?”

“That’s me!”

“Wh-What happened t-to your... your...”

“Ooh! I was hoping you’d notice!”

“Uh...”

“‘cus some ponies don’t really catch on, you know?”

“Really?”

“I know, right?”

“Y-Yeah... I mean, wow, that’s...”

“Ponies sure are strange!”

“You’re telling me. But why... why would you do this? I mean...”

“Oh jeez, Twilight, you sure give me easy questions to answer!”

“Really?”

"It's just that... I felt that change needed to be made, you know?"

"Uh huh."

"Something new! Something bold, something brash! Something totally amazingly stupendously wonderful! Something that would paint everypony a picture of my life when they see it!"

"I see..."

"But do you see IT?"

"Uuuh... yes. Yes I do. We just went over that. It would be hard not to see, um, 'it'."

"Exactly! So I thought to myself 'what can I do that would SCREAM 'Pinkie Pie' to everypony that walked past? What could jump right out in their faces and yell 'THIS IS ME AND I LOVE IT!', you know?"

"Well, of course, but I think—"

"So I sat down and I puzzled and I puzzled until my puzzler was sore..."

"Well, I mean, I think—"

"And I puzzled and puzzled and puzzled some more..."

"Pinkie, I would seriously consider—"

"And then it hit me! Well, Rainbow Dash, I mean. She'd tried to pull out of a super totally amazingly stupendously wonderfully awesome dive, and I was right there! She collided so hard into me that I think her EYES flew out."

"It's just that I'm concerned that—holy crap, REALLY?"

"Yup! But I popped 'em back in and she seemed fine. Honesty."

"I-I... uh... okay..."

"Anyway! So I was thinking to myself about everything I could do that would really grab ponies by the neck and throttle them until they knew it was ME, and there was somepony that I needed the most! After all, who knows more about being super totally amazingly stupendously wonderful and letting ponies KNOW that about them better than ANYPONY?"

"Is it Rainbow Da—"

"RAINBOW DASH, of course!"

"Gah! Pinkie, could you try to be a bit quieter, please?"

"Sorry! It's just so hard to keep it all inside! This is the BEST part of the story!"

"Seriously. I don't want you to do any more damage to vital sensory systems of ponies than you already have."

"Don't worry so much! Dashie's eyes are fine. I popped 'em RIGHT back in, all by myself! She didn't even scream that much! 'course, I suppose that could have been 'cus she passed out..."

"Uh..."

"Foaming at the mouth means you're recovering REALLY quickly from an injury, right?"

"I-I'm gonna go check on Rainbow Dash..."

"NOPE! You gotta listen to me finish my story!"

"Gah! Okay, okay, fine! Just please stop doing... whatever THAT is!"

"Pretty neat, huh? I learned that when I took a vacation to [untranslatable eldritch markings]!"

"O-Oh dear sweet Celestia..."

"Anywhooooo... so once Dashie woke back up, I asked what would be the coolest, most awesomest, most STUPENDOUS way to express myself and really stab ponies in the spleen with who I am! And she said 'Duh, the answer is obvious' and I was all 'well "duh", is it really?' and she said 'well, "'duh'", of course it is', and I said—"

"PINKIE!"

"Oopsies! Anyway, she gave me the name of the place to go to, and I skipped on down and I got it done up right away! I think it fits me, you know? Really socks a pony in the face and steals their molars with who I am, and the way I live, and everything!"

“U-Uh...”

“It’s a real display of individuality here, which is what I like the most! It’s something that I did with who am to what I am so that everypony will go ‘WOW! That mare is REALLY comfortable with who she is!’”

“Pinkie, I think that you may have gone just a bit—”

“TOO revealing? Never Twilight, never! What is a pony if not for her lifestyle? And this goes deeper than a lifestyle, Twilight; this is a pony’s SOUL we’re talking about here! Something that’s torn up her flesh and been emblazoned for all the world to see! And I really just want it to pin down ponies and slowly pluck out all their eyelashes to make a life-sized, functional eyelash golem out of them with my individual soul and representation of it, you know?”

“...”

Pinkie Pie smiled broadly, the phrase "I RAGRIT NOTHING" in all caps tattooed across her face in neon yellow, and what in a font that suspiciously resembled comic sans. When she blinked her large, blue eyes, it was revealed that the same color and font of type had been used to spell out the acronym “YOLO” on each one of her eyelids.

"So do you love it, or do you LOOOOVE it?" Pinkie said gleefully, smiling wide. She cocked her head to the side, and as the light caught her just right rights, and it was revealed that the phrase “party hard” had been engraved into the enamel on every single tooth.

Twilight Sparkle, unable to contain herself any longer, threw her manuscripts and tea to the side. She cared not in that moment that the tea had splattered across the yellowing pages. She cared not that the fine china had shattered into a million pieces. All she cared about was expressing her inner thoughts and emotions at that moment.

And to do so, she promptly projectile vomited all over Pinkie.

Because sometimes, the best way to let a friend know they made a poor life choice is expel the contents of your stomach all over them. It's the subtle things that really hit home.

Author's Note