Risk Factions: The Equestrian Solution

by TJHoofer

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 3796

General McGutterpants is fed up with war. All he wanted was to finally get som peace. How did it all come to this??!?

McGutterpants, having simply had enough of war with cats, robots, zombies and yetis, comes up with a brilliant idea on how to finally end the global conflict on Earth.

Alien intervention!

Building a portal in his secret military installation, he hopes to find a race who's love for peace and friendship will finally relieve him the head-aches of war . He may get more than he bargained for...

Not to be taken too seriously! This is a short and crazy story based on the game Risk: Factions :rainbowwild:

Risk: Factions © Electronic Arts & Hasbro
Screenshot based on original image and alterered version used with permission by BBBHuey (me).

Published 2015-06-01 18:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-01 18:50:02 UTC

The Sixth Faction

The time… Now.

The place… Earth?

Somewhere, in an undisclosed secret military installation deep under ground, General William P. “Fatty” McGutterpants was in a foul mood.

All was not well… Not well at all…

The four star General paced up and down the corridor, along with his faithful beagle, muttering incoherently with frustration and anger. He was in a very, VERY foul mood.

Of course, anyone would be in a foul mood if one was facing a global war on FOUR fronts!

'To think this was all because of some training exercise…' he grumbled.

McGutterpants was a General made for war. He used to love the thought of it. He saw peace as a major threat to national security and to his personal career. No war meant no purpose in his life and he dreamed of one day proving his leadership upon the battlefield.

He had no idea at the time how close he was to actually live that dream...

The day had started innocently enough with a little war game. During a mortar training exercise, an unknown ‘Private Pyle’ wannabe shot a live grenade into the forbidden neighbor region of Catsmir, incurring the wrath of its feline inhabitants and their leader Generalissimo Meow.
“If only I could find that jar head responsible for this mess…” the General growled beneath his ruffled mustache as he clenched his fist in suppressed anger. His pet dog, who was one that kicked the mortar in the cat's direction, just looked away innocently and whistled nonchalant…

It all could have been easily solved with a simple apology. Sadly, McGutterpants was a General not known for his acts of civil courtesy and thus refused to apologize to a quadruped. So Meow and his cat army declared total war on all humans, armed with everything from guns to claws to hairballs.

Losing men and territory to overwhelming feline assault (and allergies), McGutterpants, in dire desperation, thawed out the untested CDS (Computer Defense System) out of cold storage. The CDS, designated Commandant SixFour, was an automated robot designed to defend humanity. Unfortunately, due to having been off-line for quite a while, SixFour’s graphic technology was seriously obsolete and lacked the ability to distinguish between humans and cats. As such, it labeled them all as a threat and quickly waged war on both sides with its own manufactured army of CDS robots.

During this relentless robot onslaught, McGutterpants and Meow formed a temporary alliance to rid themselves of this metallic menace. While Sixfour’s army faced heavy opposition from both factions, the two leaders seized the opportunity to take the robot down in his bunker and end the war.
They were too late however to stop SixFour from launching an experimental and dangerous Bio-Weapon as a last resort.

While effective, the Bio-Weapon had one frightening side-effect as it gave rise to a new enemy...

Zombies.

The Zombies, led by the rotten brain-eater (and wrongfully persecuted) Colonel Claus von Stiffenberg, launched a full scale assault on all intolerant humans, cats and robots, after losing an eye and one hand at the hands of one trigger-happy human soldier.

Facing opposition on all three fronts, McGutterpants finally realized he had dug himself a rabbit hole that not even he could crawl himself out of. Desperate for peace, the General (along with his dog) traveled to the frozen wastes of the Himalayas to speak to someone who valued peace more than him; His Enlightened Excellency the Yeti Gary.

McGutterpants begged the Yeti leader to help him end this great conflict and restore peace to the world. Sadly, Gary turned down the plea as the idea of bringing peace to the world was now all but impossible. Instead he offered an alternative solution and thus declared a heated cold war against McGutterpants and all the other factions.

McGutterpants now had a war on FOUR fronts!

In no time, the world had literally turned into a giant powder keg with all five factions literally at each others throats.

Things weren’t looking well. Not well at all.

“There has to be some way to end this blasted war!” his voice of frustration echoed throughout the facility. “Aw, who am I kidding?” he said to himself with a tired sigh as he slumped his shoulders in defeat while walking. “In a world of warmongering felines, robots, zombies and yetis, there's nothing that can bring about peace now...”
Suddenly, the General screeched to a halt, causing his dog to collide with his legs as he had an epiphany. He then rubbed his chin and smiled. “Nothing on THIS world!”

*****

Much, much later...

“Um... Sir..?” A young Private asked as he approached the General, who was overseeing the finishing touches on the facility's latest secret military project. “Sir, If you don't mind me asking... What is that? Sir..?”

On a huge platform was a large circular mechanical device, with all manner of electrical wires and circuits attached to it. It resembled a large gateway that was currently leading nowhere, and looked like something out of a popular sci-fi series about some gate to the stars.

“This Private...” McGutterpants spoke proudly while sporting some rather fancy sunglasses. “...is the answer to my problem. I've deduced that since there is no hope of finding anyone here that can bring about world peace, then we're simply going to find some...” He pulled the Private close by his shoulder and extended his other hand outward in revelation. “...out there!”

The Private stared uneasily at McGutterpants. “Um... Okay..?”

“With this portal, we will be able to travel to other worlds beyond our own! Think about it Private! Somewhere out there there is a place filled with peace-loving alien hippies that can end our senseless war in a snap!”

“That sounds... super, Sir!” the Private smiled weakly. “So... Where do we find these 'alien hippies'? Sir?”

“How should I know?!” said the General as he suddenly let go. “We won't know that until we've activated the thing!”

“Uh... Isn't that kinda dangerous?” asked the now worried Private. “What if they're not friendly alien hippies..?”

“Son... If humanity didn't take a RISK every now and then, we wouldn't be where we are today!” The Private just silently stared and blinked at McGutterpants after that statement.

“Sir!” A scientist wearing thick goggles approached them. “We're finished with the final intallments, Sir.”

“Good!” McGutterpants rubbed his hands in suppressed glee. “Proceed at once!”

“Um... Shouldn't we do a field test first?” asked the scientist.

“Nonsense! Time is of the essence! Throw the switch!”

The scientist looked to his fellow co-workers who all just shrugged. They did as they were told and threw the switch.

The gate was now activated. There was a loud buzzing sound as the gate slowly powered up.

“Increase power!” yelled the General. “I want RESULTS!”

“But Sir!” yelled a Scottish scientist. “We're already reading massive fluctuations in the stabilizers! If we push her too far, the whole thing could blow!”

“I said; INCREASE POWER!!”

They did as the General ordered. The power increased, causing the whole platform to shake. It wasn't long before a swirling light was being formed inside the gate.

“Yes... YES...”

KA-BOOM!!!

There was a loud explosion that erupted from the portal due to the immense overload and nearly leveled the entire facility.
As the smoke cleared, everyone in the room soon stirred to life. Emerging out of the rubble, the General, his dog and the Private brushed themselves off and looked at the machine. They were utterly stunned by the sight of a perfectly formed portal at the gate.

“At last! Success!” McGutterpants clenched and raised his hands in victory, inadvertently punching the Private in the face. “History is made Private!”

The Private painfully rubbed his sore cheek. “Yes Sir..!”

“At any moment now Private, a creature of peace and love will emerge through that portal and usher in a new era of peace and-”

“Gah!”

“...friendship?”

Everyone in the room froze and went deathly quiet as a pink furry being suddenly fell through the portal, stumbled off the platform and onto the floor. It had hair that resembled cotton candy and... hooves?
On its flank were three colorful balloons.

“Woah!” It suddenly exclaimed in a female voice as it sat up on its haunches, shaking its head as it waited for its eyes to stop swirling. “Wow! What happened? I was just leaning next to the fourth wall of my room when-” The pink creature's eyes widened and sparkled as it found itself in the research room, surrounded by soldiers and scientists. “Ooh~! Neato!”

“Sir...?”

McGutterpants slowly pulled off his ruined sunglasses. “Yes son..?”

“It's a pink horse...”

“Yes son... I noticed.”

“Ooh!” The pink horse suddenly eyed the General's dog. “Lookie! A doggie! Hi there Rover! Why don't you come on over?” the horse smiled as she waved at the now confused beagle, who tilted his head. Both the General and Private were far too caught up with what they were seeing to take proper notice.

“This... is a disastrous failure!” the General painfully muttered. He then noticed that his dog had now wandered up to it and was lying on his back, wagging his tail and happily panting while the giggling horse was giving him a belly rub.

“Aw..~!” cooed the Private, clearly taken in by the adorable sight. The General could swear he saw hearts in his eyes at that moment. “She's cute...”

“CUTE?!?” McGutterpants bellowed, causing the Private to cringe. “THIS MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR PROJECT WAS SUPPOSED TO SOLVE MY PROBLEM!” He then grabbed the Private by his jacket and shook him, spit flying everywhere.
“I WANTED TO MAKE CONTACT WITH A RACE OF HIGHLY ADVANCED, INTELLIGENT, PEACE-LOVING ALIEN HIPPIES THAT COULD HELP US END THIS BLASTED WAR! NOT SOME CREEPY PINK HORSE THING!”

The pink horse-thing's ears twitched at that nasty tongue-lashing and narrowed her eyes at McGutterpants. “Hey! You leave him alone you Mr meanie pants!”

Both the General and the Private went completely silent, turned their attention back at the pink pony and simply gawked at her as they just now realized she was speaking.

“And I'm not creepy! I'm happy!”

The General couldn’t believe his own eyes and ears. “It’s… General McGutterpants…”

“Hi!” The pink pony now suddenly smiled and waved at him. “I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“Private..? Did… did that horse just talk to me?”

The Private blinked. “Yes Sir... It did Sir...”

“For your information, I'm a PONY and not a HORSE!” Pinkie corrected as she now bounced up to them and extended her hoof. “And on behalf of all Ponykind, it's nice to meet you General McSourpants!”

“It’s General ‘Fatty’ McGutterpants!” he growled.

Pinkie blinked silently for a moment before bursting into a laughing fit. “Fatty!?” she snorted. “That's hilarious!”

McGutterpants, now clearly having had enough, turned red and fumed. “Now listen you! I’m General William P. ‘Fatty’ McGutterpants, the leader of this secret military installation.” He then pulled out his revolver and pointed it at Pinkie. “And you've got exactly 5 seconds to explain yourself before I put you down!”

“Woah!” Pinkie raised her hooves. “Okay! Okay! Sheesh! Mellow out General McBurgerpants.”

“IT’S MCGUTTERPANTS!!!” he bellowed, now threateningly pressing the gun against Pinkie's muzzle, making a loud squeak-toy noise. Pinkie just calmly pushed it away from her, making it point back at the General.

“Whatever... Look I couldn't help overhearing about your problem and I think I can help you guys out.”

“Help?” The General asked just before realizing he was pointing the gun on himself and quickly pointed it back at her. “And just how is a 'pony' going to help me with my problem?”

“Well Duh! The princesses of course!”

The General now lowered hi gun and threw the Private a questionable look before turning his attention back to Pinkie. “Princesses..?”

“Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.” Pinkie smiled. “They're the rulers of Equestria. I'm sure they can help you with your 'war' problem.”

McGutterpants again looked to the Private next to him, who merely shrugged. He then faced Pinkie Pie again. “And just what can these 'princesses' do?”

Pinkie just giggled. “Wait here! I'll be right back General McButterpants.”

“HEY WAIT!” But Pinkie had already disappeared back through the portal. “IT'S MCGUTTERPANTS!!!”

The two men now just found themselves staring at the portal. “Sir..? What just happened?” asked the Private.

“I don't know, son...”

*****

Meanwhile in Canterlot, Capitol of Equestria...

“It’s all over now, Tia!”

Luna grinned victoriously at Celestia. The two sisters were locked in a deadly duel of wits and cunning since early afternoon. They had put aside all their royal duties for this great battle. It had been a long and grueling war, and Luna had already gained much ground in the conflict.
Most of Celestia's main force had been pushed into one territory, completely surrounded on all sides by Luna's forces.

“Thou have reigned for far too long dear sister! Now prepare to meet thy doom!”

Both sisters rolled their dices. Luna rolled three while Celestia countered with only two.

“Huzzah! Two fives and a one!” Luna cheered.

“Two sixes!” said Celestia.

“What?” Luna watched in horror as three of her pieces were removed. “No matter! Thou shall not prevail sister! I still have thee outnumbered!”

Luna kept rolling all her three dices many times over, and yet Celestia kept mostly rolling a higher number with her own. In the end, Luna had used up her turn and exhausted her units. Now it was time for Celestia's counterattack.
With an already huge force in one territory, Celestia had no problem completely overwhelming Luna's already thinned out force, which consisted of one unit per territory. With each roll, Celestia quickly seized the required territories, effectively winning the game.

“So much for your Republic, Lulu. I win again.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Luna screamed, thrashing the board game with her magic in a fit of rage quit. “My glorious Republic! I accuse thee of cheating!” She pointed her hoof accusingly at Celestia.

“Lulu... Relax… We're just playing a game.”

“Again! Best 6 out of 7!”

POFF!

Suddenly, a scroll magically appeared in out of thin air and landed in front of Celestia. “What's this?” Celestia picked it up with her magic and quickly recognized it as one of Twilight Sparkles' Friendship letters.
“I haven't gotten these in a long while...” she said as she excitedly unwrapped it. “I wonder what lesson Twilight has learned to-”

“SURPRISE!” Both sisters jumped as a familiar looking pink pony suddenly sprung out from the tiny scroll and landed face first on the floor in front of both Celestia and Luna. “Squee! Hi!”

“Pinkie Pie?” exclaimed Celestia with utter surprise. Both she and Luna then looked at the still floating scroll and couldn't fathom how Pinkie was able to fit inside it.

“Sorry for the surprise visit!” Pinkie grinned. “But I simply had to be 'Spiked'! Something wonderful has happened!”

The two alicorns shared a confused look.

*****

Later, back on Earth...

“Why is the portal still open?” McGutterpants asked impatiently. “I specificity ordered you to close this infernal contraption once that pink pony thing had left!”

“We're trying to Sir...” said one of the exhausted scientists. “But whatever force that is beyond the portal, it seems to be keeping it self-sustaining without the required power source from our end. We can still close it, but it's taking a lot longer than we originally calculated it would.”

“Well, hurry up!” shouted the General. “I want that portal closed before-”

Just then, there was suddenly new activity inside the portal. All the scientists quickly withdrew from it.

“Son of a biscuit...” the General muttered.

In a bright flash, two new figures emerged. McGutterpants quickly recognized them as ponies like the first, but this time larger and slightly more different. One was snow white, wearing a golden regalia and crown and sporting both a horn and wings. It's colorful mane flowed calmly in a non-existent wind.
The second one was the same as its counterpart, but slightly smaller, dark-blue and sporting a black regalia and crown. Its mane flowed and moved in the same manner, but eerily resembled the night sky.

The white one had the sun for a mark on its flank while the small dark one had a crescent moon on its flank.

The sight and glow of these new ponies left the General utterly dumbfounded. “Holy Seabiscuit…”

“My word...” Celestia silently exclaimed, completely taken in by the new sight.

“Indeed sister...” said Luna, sharing her amazement. “It would appear that Pinkie Pie wasn't lying...” Luna then eyed the humans, and specifiably their leader McGutterpants. “And this must be the green creature Pinkie mentioned! McBlubberpants!”

“It's MCGUTTERPANTS!!!” he fumed. “And I’ll have you know I’m a General! The name’s General William P. 'Fatty' McGutterpants! Commanding officer of this base and the Human Faction!”

“...”

“...”

“Fatty?!” Luna heartily laughed. McGutterpants rubbed his pulsating temple and groaned while trying surpress his anger.

“Forgive my sister, General. She means no harm.” the Celestia apologized. She then stepped forward and politely bowed her head before him. “My name is Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and princess of the day. This is my sister Luna, also ruler of Equestria and princess of the night.”

“Princesses of day and night huh..?” The general now rubbed his chin with keen interest. “Equestria huh..?”

“It's not surprising you haven't heard of it.” said Celestia. “It's a magical land of ponies, where we value love and friendship above all else.”

“Love? Friendship?” McGutterpants shot his Private and dog a look of delight. Maybe this disaster could be salvaged afterall? “Well, we certainly could use a bit of love and friendship around here. As a matter of fact, we crave it!”

Celestia eyed him curiously at that remark. “Really? Now that I think about it... Our friend Pinkie Pie did mention you had some kind of problem..?”

Suddenly, there was a loud boom, followed by a great rumbling that shook the interior of the base.

“WHAT WAS THAT?!” shouted Luna, her feathers clearly ruffled by the sudden ruckus.

“'That'... Was a missile.” the general sighed.

“Missile?” asked Celestia.

“You see your Highness’s... We are currently in the middle of a war.”

“A WAR?!?” the two alicorns exclaimed in unison. “With whom?”

The embarrassed general scratched his head. “It's... Uh... a rather complicated story...”

“Please! Do tell us!” said Celestia.

*****

Much, much later...

Celestia blinked. “So... Let me see if I got this straight.” She cleared her throat. “You are at war… with cats?”

“Affirmative.”

“And robots..?”

“Affirmative.”

“And zombies..?”

“Affirmative.”

“And... YETIS?!”

“Affirmative...” McGutterpants tiredly sighed while scratching the back of his cap. “That just about sums it all up…” He then coughed and straightened himself.

Celestia was nearly at a loss for words. “That's... quite a pickle...”

“So you can see why we are so desperately in need of love and friendship right about now.”

“No kidding!!” Luna all but shouted.

“So... Will you help us? Will you restore peace and bring love and friendship to our war-torn world?”

Celestia rubbed her chin, thinking long and hard about his request. She then looked to Luna. “Would you please excuse us for just a moment..?” she asked the General with a forced smile.

“Tia! What he's asking is all but impossible!”

“I know Luna, but listen. What if we..?”

McGutterpants watched as Celestia led Luna away for a private talk. He couldn't quite hear what was being said, but every so often did they pause, look back at both him and his men before going back to their discussion. After few long minutes of talking, they both smiled and nodded to one another, clearly having reached some kind of agreement.

Celestia trotted towards the General while Luna seemed to stare at the portal with her horn glowing. “My dear General McGutterpants…” Celestia began. “After a long but brief discussion, my sister and I have thought about your plea and have come to a decision...”

“Indeed we have.” added Luna as she rejoined her sister.

“We’ve decided to bring peace and friendship to your lands-”

The general let out a great sigh of relief and hugged his happily panting beagle. “That's the best news I've heard yet! You can't imagine how happy this makes me! I-” The General suddenly found himself staring down the tip of their horns.

“You misunderstand General. I wasn't finished. For peace and friendship to truly become a reality on this world, I regret to inform you that you all will simply will have to go.”

“Huh..?” McGutterpants shared a confused look with his dog.

Just then, a small battalion of several new ponies, wearing what seemed to be medieval battle armor and garments, came marching out the portal in an orderly fashion and lining up behind them.

The battalion consisted of several different ponies; regular ponies, unicorns and pegasi. The regular ones wore heavy shielding and thick armor that clad them from head to hoof. Some even had large cannons strapped to their backs.

The unicorns wore less armor but their horns glowed and seemed to seethe with raw magic.

The pegasi wore tank canisters strapped on to their backs with 'lightning' symbols on them. They were all connected to a hose that led to gun-shaped devices attached to their hooves, that seemed to emit faint sparks of electricity.

“What's all this?!?”

“I'm sorry dear General...” said Celestia apologetically. “...But it has become quite clear to us that you all are just simply incapable of peace. Not to mention a bad influence on our peaceful equestrian way of life.”

“So in order to save this world and protect the innocent minds of our subjects...” added Luna with a smirk. “...we're just going to have to bring EQUESTRIAN peace to your world. By FORCE!”

Both the General and his dog's jaw dropped.

“I know this is highly unorthodox...” Celestia smiled. “...but for the survival of this world and the safety of all Equestria, it's a RISK we're willing to take.”

Both alicorns slowly charged their horns and made ready to fire.

“Holy crabcakes...!”

*****

The time… Now.

The place… Earth?

Somewhere, in another undisclosed secret military installation deep under ground, General McGutterpants was in a really, REALLY foul mood.

All was not well… Not well at all…

The four star general paced up and down the corridors along with his faithful beagle, muttering incoherently with frustration and anger. He was in a very, VERY foul mood.

Of course anyone would be in a foul mood if one was facing a global war on FIVE FRONTS...

THE END..?

Author's Note

After stumbling onto the game Risk: Factions, with its interesting array of Humans, Cats, Robots, Zombies and Yetis, I thought to myself...

...Why not ponies? :derpytongue2: