When Spike and the CMC Went Goth
It was a lovely night in Equestria. Luna's moon was up, our friend the lavender unicorn was reading Divergent, and a red and black alicorn with some sort of violent weapon was walking down the street with some human who previously had some sort of terrible life and hated Bronies and all things My Little Pony, but somehow ended up coming to Equestria through some magical portal or something, learned about friendship, and was about to have to go home, much to his dismay, but he would take home the greatest lesson of them all, friendship. Also walking down the street with the red/black alicorn with the violent weapon and the Brony hater turned Brony lover human were Eren Yeager, Shrek, Ron Paul, Katniss Everdeen, the entire cast of Supernatural, and Kansas (the band, not the entire population of the US state), teaching the people from Supernatural how to properly sing "Carry On Wayward Son". Oh yeah, and the entire population of the US state of Kansas was also there with the band. They got there through a tornado a few days ago, and when they arrived, every single one of the 2.904 million of them said in unison, "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."
But enough of those who were walking down the street elsewhere, this story focuses on our good friend Spike the Dragon. On this night, Spike was walking down the streets of Ponyville, taking an evening stroll. He heard music and wondered what it was. He walked closer to where this lovely music was coming from. He enjoyed the screams and growls coming from the lead singer, but sadly, he couldn't see them because of the extremely long line of pop culture icons, clichéd story characters, and Kansas walking by. He waited and waited, but still, the line of 2.904 million would not move any faster. He decided he must take action before the concert ended. Remembering the extremely loud movie quotation that these people had said when they first arrived, he walked up to a guy wearing a Jayhawks shirt and said,
"Hey, look! It's Toto!" Bob immediately stopped and looked backwards to see if he could find Toto, creating an opening for Spike to get through.
"I don't see any Toto!" Bob said, noticing that Spike had gotten through to the other side of the line.
"Hey!" Bob said, "Don't trick a citizen of Kansas like that! Lackluster basketball, amber waves of grain, and Toto are all our state has!"
"Haha!" Spike said to himself, "Sucker!"
Now that Spike had gotten through the line, he had another challenge to face, getting through the crowd. If he wanted to see the band, he had to get to the front, for a thick cloud of vapor from e-cigs was masking everything.
"Well, Spike, it's not the hardest thing you've done", he thought.
Spike made his way through the crowd, angering some ponies he bumped into. When he reached the front, he finally saw the band, Four Hoof Mortality Kick, ending their song "Incorrect Position of Nirvana". Spike enjoyed the screams, growls, heavy guitar, and violent drum solos. Sadly, after that song, the lead singer thanked everyone and the band walked off the stage.
"What? No!" Spike said, "Encore! Encore!"
But only Spike was cheering for an encore.
"Hey kid," a dark unicorn next to him said, " what's up? That was their encore."
"No!" Spike replied, "I went through all that trouble to get here only to see the very end."
"Sorry 'bout that kid," the dark unicorn replied, "how 'bout you come with me and I'll show you some really good heavy metal. That wasn't even our favorite band."
"Our?"
"Yeah kid, I'm here with my friends, Utter Darkness, Eternal Torment, and Dark Abyss. I'm Bloodstained. Come over to my place and I'll show you some great heavy metal, and a great lifestyle."
"Um, ok..." Spike said hesitantly, not knowing what Twilight would think about this. However, he thought of an excuse to give Twilight if she asked why he was gone so late, and he went with the ponies he just met."
They arrived at Bloodstained's house.
"So," Bloodstained said, "what's your name?"
"Um, Spike. Spike the Dragon."
"Woah!" Eternal Torment said, "That's sick! We won't even have to give you a goth nickname!"
"Wait, goth?" Spike asked.
"Well duh," Utter Darkness said, "Four Hoof Mortality Kick is one of the most goth bands out there. Only goth ponies would ever go to a concert like that. Goth ponies and total noobs to death metal culture, which I guess you are."
"Um, noob?"
"Don't worry," Dark Abyss said, "we were all noobs once. In fact, none of us are using our real names, except Eternal Torment. I was once called 'Happy Cupcake', but that was before I discovered my favorite band, Four Nights Mercy. They introduced me to this culture and I love it WAY more than my old life."
"Yeah man," Eternal Torment said, "that's where we met Dark Abyss, at the Four Nights Mercy concert. The rest of us met at a Gunshot for My Special Somepony concert."
"I've never heard of any of these bands," Spike said, "but, Bloodstained, that band she was just talking about, Gunshot for My Special Somepony, doesn't sound like a hard rock name."
"Trust me, Spike," Bloodstained said, "she's the only one of us that grew up goth. Eternal Torment would NEVER listen to anything that isn't hard rock or metal."
"Well, um, could you guys teach me about this stuff?" Spike asked.
"Well, yeah!" Dark Abyss said enthusiastically.
So the goth ponies began to teach Spike about their goth culture all throughout the night. Back at home, Twilight was completely oblivious to the fact that Spike was gone for a very, very long time, since she was too busy reading the latest teen dystopian novel sensation imported into Equestria by some teenage girl that ended up there in some sort of typical HiE situation.
"Alright," Bloodstained said, "first step into becoming goth is a goth name, but since your name is already Spike, all we are gonna do is change the 'i' in your name to a 'y'. You ok with that, Spyke?"
"Absolutely tootely!"
"Oh sweet Celestia, Spyke, never, and I mean NEVER say that again!" Bloodstained said, raising his voice.
"Gee, I'm sorry, Bloodstained", Spike replied.
"Don't say 'gee' either, Spyke, but it's ok for now, you haven't gotten to the goth lingo lesson yet, so I'll let it slide for now. Alright, Spyke, now I'll give it over to the lovely Eternal Torment to present lesson 2."
"First of all," Eternal Torment said, "don't ever call me lovely. He just does that to annoy me, but I can't snap his neck since he uses some sort of dark unicorn magic to stop me from doing so. But if you call me lovely, I'll snap your neck without hesitation."
"Um... Ok," Spike said slightly disturbed, "is that lesson 2?"
"No," Eternal Torment said, "music is lesson 2. It's one of the core elements of being goth. You MUST solely listen to heavy metal, death metal, grindcore, and hard rock. You can start on hard rock and work your way up. For a noob like you, I suggest starting on Four Nights Mercy. You must listen to all their albums solely. Do NOT listen to anything else outside the genre!"
"But what if somepony decides to randomly burst into some sort of musical number?" Spike asked, "It happens a lot in this town."
"Yes," Eternal Torment replied, "we're all aware of this. That is why you must carry some sort of portable music device on you at all times, so when this happens, you put your headphones in and play your metal music at the highest volume possible, even if it might cause permanent eardrum damage."
"That sounds dangerous," Spyke replied.
"It doesn't matter. Happiness is our enemy."
"What's wrong with happiness?" Spyke asked.
"I'm not even going to dignify that question with an answer," Eternal Torment smirked, disgusted, yet amused at Spyke's question, "anyway, I am going to let you borrow Two-Y and Transit of Tartarus, albums by Four Nights Mercy, plus a Walkpony to listen to them on. IF you feel like going one step up, I'll also let you borrow Killydelphia by Goat of Celestia. Once you're done with them, bring them back to me and buy your own, k?"
"Ok," Spyke responded."
"ALRIGHT!" Utter Darkness yelled, "TIME FOR LESSON 3!"
"WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME!?!?" Spyke asked, also yelling.
"BECAUSE I'M YOUR GOTH GENERAL, AND YOU'RE MY GOTH PRIVATE!"
"Um.. Ok."
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" Utter Darkness responded.
"SIR YES SIR, UTTER DARKNESS SIR!" Spyke yelled.
"Haha! I'm just messin with ya, kid," Utter Darkness laughed, "lesson 3 is about makeup and bloody marks."
"I get the makeup, but what's a bloody mark?" Spyke asked.
"It doesn't apply to you since you're a dragon," Utter Darkness replied, "but it's a cutie mark with a cooler name. Some of us already had cutie marks before we joined this lifestyle, so we had to use makeup to cover it up and make a 'bloody mark' to cover up our terrible old ones. Eternal Torment here didn't have to cover hers, because she grew up in this lifestyle, so hers' has been 'bloody' since she first got it."
"Woah." Spyke looked up at the wall and noticed that where the clock hands where pointing.
"Sweet Celestia!" Spyke said, "It's 12:30 AM! I gotta go home! Thanks for the lessons guys!"
"Wait!" Bloodstained said before Spyke left, "We have homework for you." Bloodstained handed Spyke the CD's, the Walkpony, and a goth dictionary.
"Study up and be back at 22:00 tomorrow!"
"22:00?" Spyke asked.
"Lesson 6 was to rebel against the cultural norm, like 12 hour clocks. 22:00 is 10:00 in regular time."
"Um, ok, thanks. Bye guys!" Spyke said, "see you at 10- er I mean, 22:00!"
"See ya later, man!" Bloodstained said as Spyke left.
Spyke weaved his way through the 2.904 million Kansans sleeping on top of each other almost like a prison camp in the streets of the small town of Ponyville. Ponyville simply isn't built to hold 2.904 million people.
Back at Bloodstained's place, the group waited until Spyke was safely out of sight and took off their makeup. Well at least three of them did. The unicorns, Bloodstained, Eternal Torment, and Dark Abyss took off their makeup. After taking off all his makeup, "Bloodstained" said,
"I gotta tell you, Flam, I hate putting on that fake goth voice."
"Shhhh. My name is 'Dark Abyss'. Haha!", Flam replied, "And Trixie, you did BRILLIANT as Eternal Torment!"
"Of course I did!" The G&PT replied, "And of course I did BRILLIANT at using dark magic to control the Utter Darkness puppet! And I've gotta say, brothers, you did BRILLIANT at voicing the puppet!"
"I say, this is the most BRILLIANT con we've EVER done! And teaming up with Trixie was BRILLIANT as well!" Flim said, "So when are we gonna start charging him?"
"Why, next lesson of course!" Trixie said.
The trio of con artists shared a celebratory, yet maniacal laugh.
Meanwhile at the castle, Spyke tried to sneak in without being heard. He was successful. Twilight had fallen asleep reading so late. Spyke snuck into his room, put on his headphones, and played Transit of Tartarus by Four Nights Mercy as he went to sleep.
The next morning, Spyke paid a visit to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. He snuck into one of their routine meetings to come up with dangerous ideas to get their cutie marks. Sweetie Belle noticed him intruding.
"Hey! Get out of here Spike!" She said.
"No, it's Spyke," he replied.
"That's what I said", Sweetie Belle protested.
"Were you pronouncing it with an 'i' or a 'y'?"
"Um, 'i', I guess."
"Well," Spyke said, "you're wrong, it's spelled S-P-Y-K-E now, and I think I know a way you can get your cutie marks."
"We're listening", Scootaloo said.
"Meet me here at 21:30"
"Huh?" Apple Bloom asked.
"9:30 PM, K?" Spyke said.
"Ok!" The CMC said in unison.
That night, the con artists donned their makeup, the CMC snuck out of their houses, and Spike met them at the clubhouse. He took them to "Bloodstained's" house. They entered the house.
"Welcome back, Spyke!" Bloodstained AKA Flim said, "Did you study?"
"I certainly fiddlydooda did!"
"Impressive, Spyke," Eternal Torment AKA The G&PT said, "now who are your friends?"
"This is Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, and they're here to get their bloody marks!"
"Bloody marks?" Apple Bloom exclaimed.
"Yep," the Utter Darkness puppet said, "it's a goth cutie mark!"
"Spyke, you didn't tell us we were gonna go goth!" Sweetie Belle said.
"I think it's cool!" Scootaloo said.
"Do you want your cutie marks or not?" Spyke asked.
"Yes", Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom hesitantly replied.
And with that, the con artists went through the whole shabang with the CMC, and more with Spyke as well. When they were done, the CMC all had CD's, they had all learned new words, and they all had new makeup.
"So now, Spyke," Dark Abyss said, "we just gave away a lot of makeup and advice. I'm sure you'll understand this when I tell you, I'm gonna have to ask you for some sort of payment. For all of you."
"Oh," Spyke said, "that's ok. I totally understand. Here's four gems."
Dark Abyss-AKA Flam-took the gems quickly and without hesitation.
"See you tomorrow!" the con artists said. Spyke and the CMC left.
"Oh Spyke," Flim said, taking off his makeup, "you are such a fool. A moneymaking fool."
Meanwhile, Spike and the girls went back to the CMC clubhouse.
"Ah can't wait to tell Applejack that Ah'm gonna get mah bloody mark!" Apple Bloom said.
"Shhhh," Spyke said, "it's past your bedtime. You don't want to wake anypony up, lest they see you in your makeup."
"Well," Scootaloo said, "I'm staying the night at Rainbow Dash's place, and she'll think it's cool!"
"Shhhhh!" Sweetie Belle said, "Applejack probably won't, and we don't want Apple Bloom to get in trouble."
Spyke and the CMC split up and went their respective ways.
When Spike returned to the castle, Twilight was not pleased. At all.
"SPIKE!" She screamed as he entered the door, "WHAT IN EQUESTRIA ARE YOU WEARING, AND WHY WERE YOU OUT SO LATE!?!?"
Spyke was in trouble and he knew it. He mustered up a very poor excuse,
"Um, you see, uh, I was picking up some flour for Pinkie Pie, then I got caught in foot traffic from the 2.904 million Kansans, and, um, I bumped into one, and the flour spilled on my face. Yeah. That's what happened."
"SO IT SPILLED ON YOUR FACE IN INTRICATE GOTH DESIGNS? AND WHY ARE YOU CARRYING A GOAT OF CELESTIA CD? AND YOU KNOW THAT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE 2,904,021 OF THE KANSANS WENT HOME THROUGH A RANDOM MAGICAL PORTAL THIS MORNING! NOW YOU BETTER SHOW ME WHERE THIS HAPPENED OR YOU'LL BE SORRY!"
"Fine", Spyke said. He took her to "Bloodstained's" house. Meanwhile, Scootaloo was returning to Rainbow Dash's house. Rainbow Dash was wide awake playing video games.
"Hey Scootaloo," Dash said as Scootaloo entered, "I know you snuck out. It's cool with me though."
"Awesome!" Scootaloo said as she joined Dash on the couch.
"Woah," Dash said, seeing Scootaloo's makeup, "I see you're aspiring to be goth."
"Yep", Scootaloo said. Rainbow Dash looked at the CD Scootaloo was holding.
"Scootaloo?" Dash inquired.
"Yeah, Rainbow Dash?"
"Is that a GWAL CD?"
"Um, yeah," Scootaloo replied, "what's wrong with that?"
Rainbow Dash grabbed Scootaloo and flew out the door.
"Show me where you got that CD, Scootaloo!"
Scootaloo pointed Dash to the house, where Twilight, Spike, Applejack, Apple Bloom, Rarity, Sweetie Belle, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy were outside. Dash landed.
"What are you guys doing here?" Dash asked, then noticed the other CMC girls and Spike wearing goth makeup.
"Ooooooh. I can see that more than Scootaloo wants to go goth", Dash said.
"Yeah!" Twilight yelled, "I caught Spike coming home too late with this weird makeup and a Goat of Celestia CD!"
Applejack jumped in the conversation,
"Ah caught Apple Bloom here comin' home late, sayin' 'Hey Applejack, how the fidelyhey are ya', and callin' herself 'Apple Doom'! AND SHE SAID SHE COULDN'T WAIT TO GET HER 'BLOODY MARK'"
"Lemme guess," Dash said to Rarity, "you're here because of some CD Sweetie Belle brought home?"
"NO!" Rarity replied, "I'm here because of this ATROCIOUS makeup that she's wearing, AND the HIDEOUS nickname that she's calling herself. Why, it's so terrible, I can't even bring myself to say it!"
"I don't see what's wrong with Sweetie Hell", Sweetie Belle mumbled, yet loud enough to make Rarity hear it and faint.
"Why are you here, Dash?" Twilight asked, "this seems like something you'd be cool with."
"Usually, yes," Dash said, "but a filly having a CD from GWAL is a little bit too much."
"GWAL?!?" Twilight exclaimed.
"Yeah", Dash said, "So why are you here Pinkie Pie?"
"I sensed darkness where there should be happiness, so I came here", Pinkie replied.
"What about you, Fluttershy?" Dash asked.
"Oh," Fluttershy said, "I'm just here because all of you are. It's convenient."
"Well I'm gonna get to the bottom of this!" Twilight exclaimed.
"Step back, Twilight," Dash said, "lemme take care of this!"
Dash backed up and bolted through the door, revealing the true masterminds behind this situation.
"EGAD!" our pony friends+Spike said,
"THE FLIM FLAM BROTHERS, THE NOT SO GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE, AND AN EXTREMELY REALISTIC PUPPET!?!?!?!?!?"
"Um, we can explain", Flam said.
"Can it, Flam! All of you were banned from this city!" Twilight screamed, "NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE USE THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY TO CONDEMN YOU TO REAL ETERNAL TORMENT!"
"Well guys, we better get out of here!" The con artists fled, but not before Twilight could use magic to freeze them and take back the gems they conned out of Spike. She then unfroze them an they fled.
"Well, Spike, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo," Twilight said, "did you all learn a lesson out of this big shenanigan?"
"Yes," Spike said, "we certainly did."
"We learned that sometimes things get tough" said Apple Bloom
"But with the help of friends," Scootaloo said,
"We can persevere, because the magic of friendship is the strongest magic of all!" Sweetie Belle said, finishing their friendship moral.
"Um," Twilight said, "that's not at all what you should've learned through this. What about 'you should always consult your parent, legal guardian, or older mentor that shows up because your family never does, when you want to make a decision, like adopting another lifestyle'? Or maybe 'be a smart consumer, watch out for con artists'? Or maybe 'don't talk to strangers'? What about 'DON'T GO TO HEAVY METAL CONCERTS LATE AT NIGHT, THEN GO TO A STRANGER'S HOUSE, THEN ACCEPT CD'S FROM THEM, THEN SNEAK BACK INTO YOUR HOUSE WAY PAST YOUR BEDTIME'?"
"Nope," Spike said, "we're sticking with perseverance."
"YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" Twilight yelled. Suddenly, Luna crashed through the roof.
"Princess Luna?" Twilight said, "What are you doing here? Are you here to teach Spike and the girls that they didn't learn about perseverance?"
"No," Luna replied, "that's your job. You were trained by Celestia to teach important morals of life, mostly regarding friendship."
"But it's not working!" Twilight complained.
"Quit complaining, Twilight!" Luna said, "You're a Princess! Be more professional!"
"I'm sorry, Luna, I'm just tired."
"It's ok, Twilight, but we have a very pressing problem."
"What is it?" Twilight asked.
Luna replied,
"Princess Celestia has risen from the dead as a zombie...... And she's not alone!"
Author's Note
Oooooooh. I wonder what's gonna happen next in the FINAL CHAPTER OF THE "WHEN" SAGA!!! Coming soon.
PS. Yes I said that. "Carry On Wayward Son" was and is awesome because of Kansas and Kansas alone, and it's been awesome since 1976. Not because of Supernatural. *drops mic*
PPS. I'm not just saying that because I was born in those times, because I was not, I was born in the 90's
PPPS. My apologies to the state of Kansas. I'm sure you have more to offer than lackluster basketball, amber waves of grain, and Toto. At least you're not Arkansas, all we have to offer is rice, Bill Clinton, and a dark history of racism. And at least Arkansas and Kansas aren't South Dakota, they have nothing to offer. Sorry South Dakota.
PPPPS. Heh hehehe. Rock puns.
PPPPPS. I'm done with PS's now.
