トワイライト・スパークル・シュッド・ハブ・ゴン・トゥー・ホグワーツ・インステッド

by Sharp Spark

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Comedy
Length: 1021

Twilight Sparkle is a really awesome ninja, but things aren't always as they seem at Ninja High School.

Twilight Sparkle is a really awesome ninja[1], but things aren't always as they seem at Ninja High School[2].

Written for the May Writeoff – I Regret Nothing.

Cover picture by Agu-Fungus.

(I apologize in advance. I actually regret everything.)

[Translator's Note 1: a 'ninja' is a covert agent or mercenary in feudal Japan. The functions of the ninja included espionage, sabotage, infiltration, and assassination, and open combat in certain situations.]

[Translator's Note 2: a 'high school' is an institution of learning that provides adolescents with part or all of their secondary education, in addition to part or all of their lifelong social trauma.]

Published 2015-06-07 15:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-07 15:30:03 UTC

Like the shadow serpent, silence is my veil

Like the shadow serpent, silence is my veil

Twilight Sparkle was the best ninja in Ninja High School.

She was quite sure of this. As she passed, all the other students fell silent, fingering their ku-nai with barely contained jealousy. At least, they probably fell silent. They were ninjas so they were already quiet, but if they had been making noise they definitely would have stopped just so they could stare in envy at Twilight.

And yes, envy tended to be dangerous, given the time-honored ninja tradition of rapid advancement in class ranking through discreet assassination, but Twilight had proven to be such a good ninja that no one even tried much anymore, except for that one strange pink girl. And while she was excellent at appearing behind other people unexpectedly, she was also remarkably inept at anything approaching lethality.

But today… Today was going to prove that Twilight was definitively the best, because today was when all of the midterm exam scores were published for the whole school to see. A crowd of teenagers dressed in black had all gathered at the bottom of the main stairwell for that very purpose. As Twilight approached, they parted to the left and right, watching her with sharp eyes, their lips moving underneath black ninja masks, undoubtedly silently cursing her for making everyone else look bad.

It wasn’t their appreciation that she wanted. No, her first place meant something more important. That she would finally – finally! – be noticed by Flash sem-pai! That Celestia sen-sei would appear, probably in a cloud of smoke, to fondly pat her on the head! And that she would have another accomplishment to put on her application for that most prestigious of colleges, Ninja Higher Learning University!

Yes, Twilight had been waiting for this day for a long time. She lifted her head high, readjusted the hitai-ate on her forehead, and stepped forward. Her eyes went to the top of the list, printed, of course, in kata-kana.

And then she blinked. She looked over to the side. Was she looking at the right grade level? She glanced back.

It took a good thirty seconds before her eyes drifted down where her name was printed, at number two on the list.

Twilight slammed the shō-ji door open to her classroom with such force that several of the students inside reacted with alarm, twisting their hands in the nin-jutsu to vanish, each leaving behind a freshly-cut log. She ignored them as she stalked inside.

There was no teacher anywhere in sight, which meant either that it was study hall or Advanced Stealth. Ninja High School could be kind of confusing most of the time, given the class schedules were only kept as classified information in a heavily-trapped secret room somewhere on campus.

Twilight headed over to her two least-disposable human assets. Good ninjas, of course, couldn’t afford to have ‘friends’.

Applejack was carefully pruning the branches of an apple bon-sai. Next to her, Rarity had forgone the traditional ninja garb for that of a gei-sha in elaborate ki-mono – which didn’t really indicate that it was disguise class as much as it indicated that Rarity was a pretty crappy ninja. She kneeled on a ta-tami mat, clearly dedicating herself to the mastery of the wa-bi and sa-bi of classic tea cere-mony.

“Na-kama!” Twilight said. “There has been a great injustice that we must right!”

Rarity slowly stood and bowed. Applejack shrugged, snipping off a tiny branch.

“There has been a mistake with the exam scores!” Twilight began pacing back and forth. “I've never even heard of this… Furatā-shai?”

“You mean the girl that sits behind you?” Applejack asked.

“No one sits behind me.” Twilight gestured back, only to realize the desk she was pointing at had someone in it. “Huh?”

Rarity inclined her head. “She’s rather good, darling.”

Twilight stomped over as threateningly as she could in her ta-bi, glaring at the girl. “You! I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to a ninja duel!”

The girl eeped, sitting straight up as she shook like a leaf.

A smirk crossed Twilight’s face. “That shouldn't be a problem for someone as skilled as you, right? It will be to the death, of course. I will allow you to choose the time, place, and manner of— erk.”

Twilight reached up to feel the dart protruding out of her neck. She turned, just in time to see a small white bunny put away his blowgun and duck back into the ceiling, replacing the ceiling tile.

She turned back to Fluttershy, already starting to see spots in her vision. “This is a most dishonorable attack!” She fell to her knees, coughing. “I... You… You really are a good ninja,” she choked out in annoyance.

Fluttershy tried to make herself as small as possible, hiding behind her pink hair.

The door slammed open again. Another Twilight Sparkle rushed in, identical to the first except wearing strange colorful clothing instead of the proper ninja uniform. Her eyes lit up and she started walking with purpose towards them. “There you girls are! Okay, you’re not going to believe me, but I’m actually a pony princess from an alternate dimension. I’m in search of a person known as Sunset—”

She stopped, having almost tripped over the first Twilight Sparkle, who was foaming at the mouth, splayed-out on the floor with her limbs still twitching.

Twilight looked at the body. She looked up at Fluttershy, who blushed. Her mouth opened and shut lamely. Finally, she drew herself together, raised one hand up high and took a deep breath. “Okay, hold on one moment. I think we need to have a talk about Friendship. You see, where I come from— Ow!”

She rubbed her head, looking down to see a pair of star-shaped cookies hit the floor.

“Oh, darn!” Pinkie Pie said, from behind her. “Those are the gingerbread shuri-ken I made for lunch. Hold on a sec, let me find the real ones. I know I have them somewhere.”

“On second thought,” Twilight said. “Screw this, I'm going home. Celestia can get her own damn tiara back.”