Things Ponies Can't Do or How To Lessen Paperwork

by Sonic Raynboom

Rating: teen
Tags: Doctor Whooves, Mayor Mare, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1353

Mayors make lists of things ponies can't do.

All the mayors in Equestria have insane amounts of paperwork. To lessen their paperwork, they decided to make lists of things ponies can't do. This is the tale of what happened when they started making those lists.

This story is a sort of sequel to Ssendam the Masked's Fifty things ponies can't do, which is an excellent story that you should go read. Seriously, go read it.

Published 2015-06-03 01:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-03 01:10:02 UTC

The Meeting

Every year, right after election time, the mayors of towns all over Equestria gather to talk about bureaucracy, leadership roles, and the demon that is paperwork. At this point, some of them would probably have sold their souls to the devil himself to get rid of paperwork. Screw Loose had actually tried to do that. She was currently in an insane asylum, still trying to summon him to get rid of the paperwork. Yes, she was still doing paperwork. It wasn't like you had to be sane to do it.

Little did they know that their salvation was coming in the form of an overexcited mare.

Ivory Scroll burst through the doors into the meeting hall, shouting in glee, "I've done it! I've done it! I HAVE LESS PAPERWORK!" She continued screaming words to this effect in incomparable joy while dancing around the room.

"Is.... is it truly possible?" Record Keeper, mayor of Las Pegasus, questioned tentatively.

Quick Wit, mayor of Canterlot, was more direct in his response. "How? How did you do it, Ivory Scroll? Tell us!" he cried eagerly.

Time Turner, who had trotted in after Ivory Scroll, replied, "Simple. She made lists of things ponies can't do, and it prevented repeated requests, problems, etc. They were really long lists though."

All the mayors stared at him in shock. Was it truly that simple? Was the end of their suffering nigh? Could miracles happen?

"Well, I for one believe that if there is any way to lessen our paperwork, we should try it. How about we all try this method out, and when we next have our electoral meeting, we can talk about how it went. All agreed?" Quick Wit asked.

There was a general murmur of assent from all the ponies assembled.

"Then it's decided!" Quick Wit exclaimed. "We'll try out this method for one year. Now, since we're all here, why don't we talk about our years of bureaucracy, and any new tips or tricks we may have picked up."

The meeting quickly devolved into chatting about gossip. However, at the end of their gathering, all had decided to try Ivory Scroll's way to minimize paperwork.

Author's Note

So, this will make a lot more sense if you read Fifty things ponies can't do, which you really should read.
Anyway, if you want to suggest a rule for the lists, go ahead! Simply post a comment in this format:

SUBMISSION
(city it would be in)
1. (rule you want to suggest)
2. (if you want to suggest another rule)
(then just keep up the numbering)

You will receive credit in the Author's Notes of that chapter. I'll accept pretty much all rules.
Questions, comments, feedback, constructive critisicm, all are welcome!
Thanks for reading!

Canterlot 1-25

Quick Wit marched out of his office, smiling happily and levitating a large scroll behind him. He looked out over all the ponies assembled before him and began his prepared speech.

"Now, I'm sure you're all wondering why I have called you here. I have called you here because my paperwork has become a monster that has had to be banished to Tartarus twice. I don't want it to happen for a third time, and believe me it's getting close, so I'm taking preemptive measures. This scroll is a list of twenty-five things nopony can do. Is that clear?" he asked, looking up at the congregated ponies. They responded in the affirmative.

"Excellent." Quick Wit said. "Now, let's begin.

"Rule one: Stop trying to sue the bearers of the Elements of Harmony for ruining the Grand Galloping Gala. The Princess herself has pardoned them.

"Two: Blueblood, I'm not going to change your name to Prince Blueblood the High, Mighty, and Chivalrous. Also, stop trying to sue the Element of Generosity, Rarity.

"Three: Pompous, having your tea chilled at two degrees Fahrenheit above regulation is not grounds for razing the restaurant to the ground.

"Four: Neither is having powdered sugar instead of granulated sugar on your croissant.

"Five: It is impossible to sue the ground for getting dirt on your hooves, Pompous.

"Six: I'm not going to approve your movement to destroy all trees to prevent falling leaves, Pompous. If we did that, we wouldn't have oxygen.

"Seven: Pompous, I want you to look at your requests for a moment, think about whether they are reasonable, or even possible, and if they aren't, don't send them in. Alright?

"Eight: Pompous, if a filly pokes you, tell her not to. Don't ignore her, and then complain to me about it.

"Nine: The Grand Galloping Gala is coming up, and we all want it to go well. So treat the Element Bearers like you would an especially high ranking noble, who if she leaves us, will result in our nation becoming overrun with changelings, chaoticed by Discord, and who knows what else.

"Ten: Green Hooves, I'd like you to make sure you're a hoof if the Element of Kindness, Fluttershy, is in the garden. Prevent a repeat of last year.

"Eleven: Nopony bother Celestia so she has plenty of time to spend with the Element of Magic and the Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle.

"Twelve: I'm not sure if the Element of Generosity, Rarity, will still be looking for a prince after how Blueblood acted, but just in case, all male single high ranking nobles be prepared to act like a breezie tale prince. Also, Hoity Toity, promote her designs.

"Thirteen: Everypony buy the Element of Honesty, Applejack's, food. It'll probably be a small cart labelled Sweet Apple Acres.

"Fourteen: Wonderbolts, make sure to spend time with the Element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash.

"Fifteen: Just go along with whatever the pink one wants.

"Sixteen: Try your absolute hardest to give the Elements of Harmony the best night ever.

"Seventeen: Discord is coming to the Gala."

At this, there was a gasp of horror from the assembled ponies. Voices cried out from the crowd.

"HE'S COMING! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

"He'll ruin the gala!"

"Oh, the equinity!"

"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"It'll be the worst night ever!"

"EVERYPONY CALM DOWN!" Quick Wit roared.

The crowd quieted instantly.

"Thank you," Quick Wit said. "Now, as I was saying, the primordial manifestation of chaos, Discord, will be attending the Gala. However, the Element of Kindness will keep a leash on him. I mean that figuratively, not literally. Just don't annoy him. We don't want to poke that Ursa Major.

"Eighteen: Don't try to cut in the line for Day Court.

"Nineteen: If you're so annoyed with the line for Day Court, go to Night Court. I have been assured that Princess Luna is fully up to date on modern laws.

"Twenty: If you see Princess Luna, the appropriate response is to bow, not to scream Nightmare Moon and run away. That kind of behavior just makes a relapse more likely.

"Twenty one: Transporting bits by stagecoach is an idiotic plan. Why did you submit it, anyway? We have a secure plan to transport bits in place. Also, who submitted this? There was no signature.

"Twenty two: Not transporting bits by ice cream truck, either, No-Signature.

"Twenty three: Or wagon.

"Twenty four: We need four more ponies for the Gala commitee, but by decree of Princess Celestia, Blueblood can't join.

"Twenty five: If you see a pony that looks like you, is pretending to be you, and you don't have a prankster identical twin, make sure they aren't a method actor playing you in an upcoming play before assuming that they're a changeling.

"That's all for today. I have plenty more rules, but if I announced them all right now, we'd be here for a year and a day. Go on home, everypony." Quick Wit waved happily as the crowd dispersed. He trotted back into his office with a spring in his step, confident that tomorrow would bring less paperwork.

Oh how wrong he was.

Author's Note

So, thoughts, questions, concerns? Leave a comment!
Remember, if you want to submit a rule, leave a comment in the format from chapter one.
As always, thanks for reading!