Discord Has a Harem

by Ricochet

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3959

Discord reflects on all the ponies he feels closest to and realizes something important.

Discord's day begins by watching anime. As he does, he reflects on all the ponies he feels closest to and realizes something important.

Published 2015-06-02 12:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-01 23:07:20 UTC

What, You Don't Believe Me?

"I have a harem," Discord announced, his tone oddly composed.

"You have a what?" Rainbow said.

"A harem. A group of females madly in love with dashing old me. Come now, don't be shy. This knowledge can't come as a complete shock to any of you."

Celestia blinked. "Discord...I don't know what to say..."

"Who in Equestria would want to be part of your harem?" Twilight asked, a sudden wave of hostility and irritation washing over her. She had been whisked away from her studies for this?

"Why all of you, my dear, but of course you'll never admit you love me because you're a tsundere type."

"A whata what?" Applejack said.

"Discord, thy words have no sense to them. Explain."

"Certainly, dear Luna. A tsundere type character is one that, in short, refuses to admit she has feelings for the main character of the story, A.K.A. me. Of course, if she ever lets the main character know that she has feelings for him, she'll immediately fall back into denial."

Twilight stomped her hoof. "I do not have feelings for you!"

"I rest my case."

"If Twilight is a sun whatsit-"

"Tsundere."

"Yes, that. Then what does that make the rest of us?" Celestia asked, her curiosity drawing her in like a fish on a line.

"Tia, you're my childhood friend. We grew up together. It's only natural that you fell in love with me, princess. And all the other stallions and mares are extremely jealous of me because of it. Some of them actually have grown to hate me, if you can believe it."

"We are thy childhood friend as well. Where do we fit into thy story?"

"Well, you're the younger sister type, Luna. You're passionately in love with your older sister and hate to see her in the arms of anypony else. Alas, though, for you have fallen in love with the same person as her, making your role that much more defined and complicated. It gives me the shivers."

"Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! So Luna and Celestia are both in love with you? That's so romantic!" Pinkie Pie gushed.

Discord put an arm across her shoulders. "Yes, my dear. Isn't it just?"

"Um...Discord?" Fluttershy's voice came softly nearby. "I...what I mean is..."

"Where do Pinkie Pie and yourself fit into this picture? Let me explain. Pinkie Pie is a perfect specimen of the genkigirl type. Placed in the story for comic relief, she is over exuberant, hyper, and speaks with a shrill, almost shrieking sound that gets on everyone's nerves. However, at times she can turn introspective and that's when she...becomes downright scary."

"That's not what I-"

"I'm scary?" Pinkie Pie said, tears forming at the corners of her blue eyes.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about. The genki type is a vital role in every anime. Without it, things become boring rather quickly. And you, Fluttershy, provide moe to this otherwise drab cast of ladies. Cute, endearing, shy, why, you are without a doubt absolutely perfect! So cute! Even when you were scolding me at the Gala! I'm so overcome!"

"Um...okay..."

"Hold up!" Twilight said. "It's not like any of us have feelings for you."

"Oh, Twilight, of course that's what you'd say. But don't worry, I value you just as much as everyone else here. No need to feel left out."

"It seems we are still living under our sister's shadow," Luna said in a melancholy tone.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Luna. It's just Discord being Discord," Celestia responded immediately, sitting closer to her sister.

"Rarity," Twilight said. "You're being uncharacteristically quiet. What do you think?"

"Hmm? Well, as far as I'm concerned, darling, he hasn't mentioned anything about me, so I doubt my opinion is in any way relevant."

"You are an integral part of the harem, though," Discord said, turning his attention to the white unicorn.

"Oh dear."

"You, Rarity, are the alpha bitch."

"Hey! That is uncalled for and unjustly rude!"

"No, no. It's a good thing. You are fashionable, aloof, privileged, and you push others around. Truly necessary in every harem environment."

"That is no better than the last thing you said! I do not push others around!" Rarity whined.

"And I'm not scary," Pinkie whimpered.

"I'm not tsundere!"

"How come Fluttershy is the only one you said was cute?" Applejack said.

"Well, you are the stoic type. And that's not at all kawaii."

"Ah...I still don't get it," Applejack said.

"You're blatantly honest and may or may not harbor feelings for me with that fragile heart of yours, but it's the one thing you'll never admit, try as you might."

"Why is no one else defending me?" Rarity said. "I'm not a bitch, am I?"

"You're definitely a bitch," Discord said pleasantly, his yellow eyes gleaming.

"It's not like I'm never feminine," Rainbow said sullenly. "Just not usually."

"Sister, we do not understand what is happening here," Luna said.

"I've lost track of it myself."

"Everyone...please...settle down..."

"If I'm blatantly honest then why wouldn't I admit it if I did have feelings for you? Which I don't."

"I'M NOT A BITCH!"

"I'M NOT TSUNDERE! NO ONE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU!"

"I'll try harder. I promise I won't scare anyone anymore!"

"Poor Applejack, just saying that makes it harder for you to tell me honestly in the future how you really feel. I'm moved that you care so much about me!"

"Aw jeez..."

"Everyone...please..."

"You kinda are a bitch, sometimes, Rarity," Rainbow said.

"Not you too!"

"Please..."

"QUIET!" Celestia said then, over everyone's talking. She turned to Discord. "Could you explain to me what you were doing prior to deciding that we were part of some harem?"

"Oh, nothing out of the ordinary."

"Discord," Celestia said in a warning tone.

"Oh, alright." He snapped his fingers and a box dropped down in front of her. She gazed at it a moment before groaning.

"What is it?" Twilight asked.

"He's absolutely right. There's a harem." She then smiled wickedly. "But he has a type too."

Author's Note

Wrote this in about half an hour, so...yeah. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it.

Rainy Days

Twilight Sparkle was not usually what one would describe as a "violent" pony.

Her actions were controlled, deliberate. She thought before she acted and prided herself in her personal ability to reason.

Everypony she came across agreed that she had a certain authority over her own emotions and acted with decorum in a manner that would make a mare of twice her years proud.

However, on this particular day, all Twilight wanted to do was gouge Discord's eyes out. Violently.

Twilight grimaced, her mind racing as she sorted out the words in her head. Discord had lost it. That’s all she could take away from the experience. He was so far gone, she no longer had any hope of him returning to sanity, if he was ever there to begin with.

“Tsundere indeed,” she muttered, moving her books to one side and gazing at the now blank desk. “I’m not tsundere.”

Not that she could find any information on the subject. All those terms and phrases he'd used...so pointless. For all she knew, they were just plain gibberish.

But that was simply maddening.

"Why would a pony say something if it didn't have any point?!" she cried, dramatically throwing herself onto her back, staring up at the ceiling.

She could just picture his smug smile, hanging right above her. "Tsundere," the incorporeal image seemed to sneer at her. Twilight closed her eyes and shook her head rapidly, dispelling the image.

As a filly, there'd been plenty of methods she'd researched that curbed her temper and brought her to a more satisfactory disposition. None of those methods seemed to be helping at present.

She turned over and rose to her hooves, trotting towards the door. Maybe taking a stroll would clear her head. At least it would prevent her from obsessing on a certain unattractive, insufferable, buffoon of a pony.

Her hoofbeats slowed as she neared the arch, her ears shooting straight up. Was it...raining? She tilted her head to the side. Maybe she had missed the weather update, but she could swear ponyville wasn't due for any storms for at least another month...unless... Dreading what she would find, she slowly pulled on the door handle.

"DISCORD!" Twilight shouted, her face turning red as she stomped out of her castle. Her mane was instantly drenched, her flank heaving from the sheer rage building up inside of her. How dare he do this? How dare he?!

Puddles of murky brown liquid and bulging clouds of pink fluff filled the landscape, blocking out the much-needed sunshine. Everywhere ponies were running for cover or covering precious valuables that would be ruined if this continued for much longer. One of the flower ponies knocked over a pot in her haste and then promptly fainted.

Gritting her teeth, Twilight truly considered the benefits of an eyeless draconequus before taking off at a gallop. He's always causing damn problems. First the harem and now this? Is he trying to revolt against Celestia?

The purple alicorn slid to a stop, her chest heaving, her coat drenched, and her eyes flashing dangerously as she gazed on the most bizarre sight she'd ever seen.

Discord, spirit of chaos and disharmony, was wearing a black blazer with a high collar, a pale pink umbrella held delicately above his head as he stared across the street. His face slowly turned towards hers, his eyes widening in shock as if he didn't know her.

"All right, Discord. What's this about?!" Twilight shouted, taking a fighting stance. Half her mind was already thinking of several different ways to remove his eyeballs without permanently maiming him. Other than the lack of eyes, of course. The other half was absolutely revolted that she was even considering such a drastic notion. But he did have that effect.

He hesitated a moment before holding out the umbrella. "Here. You're soaking wet."

"Because of you!" Twilight said. "Make the rain stop!"

"The rain? The rain is beautiful," he said, looking up at it a moment before looking back at her. "Just like you."

Twilight flushed, unsure of how to react. What the heck? Her mental image wavered. "Discord..." she said uncertainly, then steeled herself. "Make the rain stop. Now."

"You're so feisty! I love it!" he said, breaking character for a moment before straightening his tie with his paw. "Take the umbrella. I don't need it."

"DISCORD!"

"Or we can share if you're worried about my safety."

"DISCORD! Turn off the rain!"

"Silly Twilight," he said pleasantly. "I don't control the weather." He held out one of his paws and let the rain lightly splatter onto his palm. "No one can predict the winds of change. And the fate that brought you to me."

"There is no fate! You're completely deluded!" she growled. So this was about what he'd said the other day. "There are ponies who are being significantly put out by your antics. Me included. Turn. Off. The. Rain."

"I'll walk you home," Discord said, ignoring everything that she'd just said.

That was the final straw. "HIYA!" Twilight shrieked, bucking him with her hind legs.

The draconequus put his arms in the air, the umbrella falling from his grip as he stumbled forward then landed on his behind in the middle of the road. Twilight was rather stunned. She'd thought he'd move or...something...but now he was just sitting there, arms clasped around his middle as he seemed to gasp for breath.

"I'm okay," he wheezed, putting up one hand as if to indicate that blunt force trauma was completely natural.

Twilight turned bright red. She didn't know exactly how to act given this strange scenario. Her anger pittered off into the back of her mind as she hesitantly walked towards him. "I...I'm sorry," she choked out. "I...uh...lost my temper. Now could you please make the rain stop? This is getting old."

"Oh my Twilight!" With a shriek Twilight found herself lifted and pulled close to the warm, but coarse fabric of Discord's blazer. "Such character development. The tsundere is finally learning to admit that she was wrong to the man she loves!"

"I don't love you," Twilight growled, her ears flat against her head.

Discord proceeded to pet her head. "Oh, I know, Twilight dear. It's alright that you're not ready yet to admit how much you adore handsome old me. I mean, it's not everyday that you meet a pony as unique as I am. I appreciate the effort you're putting in but...well...unfortunately you're quite wet. You're going to catch a cold at this rate, but fear not, I shall nurse you back to health."

Twilight's nostrils flared and she pushed against Discord's body, trying to get out of his iron grip. "I don't want to spend any more time with you than I have to," she snapped. "And if I catch a cold from this, I'm going to..." She wasn't sure what she was threatening to do, but it was going to be something.

"Oh my, it looks like the rain is finally letting up!" Discord said, looking up at the sky. The pinkish clouds slowly moved out of the way, letting a sliver of sunlight fall directly on the two of them.

Twilight finally managed to wiggle her way out, hopping back down onto the waiting earth. She shook her mane, sending droplets of chocolate rain flying in every direction. "Well this was unnecessarily difficult," she muttered to herself, but since he seemed to be complying, she didn't have anymore complaints. After all with Discord-

"ACHOO!"

She fell back, startled by the intensity of her own sneeze.

"It seems you've caught a cold after all," Discord said in mock sympathy. "Don't worry, my love, I shall care for you through this trying time so that our love may flourish and grow ever stronger."

Twilight Sparkle was not usually what one would describe as a "violent" pony, but today was not an average day.

With a low snarl, Twilight lunged at Discord's face.

Author's Note

So this is the second chapter. Sorry it's so late. I intended to release it right away and instead...life. Anyway, the next chapter should be next week (as long as *cough cough* life don't get in the way again).

Black Eyes and Apple Pie

"What do ya think we should do with him?"

"Well...he looks like he had a fight with a bull. Maybe we should just leave him."

"Applejack...that's rather mean."

Applejack sighed, glancing from her sister to the draconequus curled up underneath the apple tree. The lids and skin around both his eyes were puffy and purple and there was a small red mark just underneath his left cheek. If Applejack didn't know any better, she could have sworn he'd been mugged by somepony, but that seemed rather far-fetched, considering who he was. Which had to mean that his appearance somehow fit into an elaborate plot of some kind. Potentially as innocent as ruining her day, but more likely relating back to that harem whatsit he was talking about before.

"Oh piteous me," Discord let out a soft moan. "I have been slain!"

"Disord..." Applejack sighed and took a couple steps closer. "What trouble have you gotten yourself into today?"

"Ah, it was no trouble. Just a crime of passion. Twilight is fitting into her tsundere role rather nicely...but I had not anticipated how much it would hurt..." he considered. "Maybe I should rephrase that...she seems to be much more yandere than tsundere..."

Applejack sighed again and flicked her tail in exasperation. "So you're claiming that Twilight, the princess of friendship herself, was the one that gave you both them shiners?"

"It's a travesty, isn't it?" he said, trying to open his eyes a little bit wider, but was clearly unable to do so. "I hate to ask this of you, Applepony, but could you perhaps lend me some aide?"

"It's Applejack, and no. I'd rather not," Applejack turned to go, but felt something latch onto both her hind legs. She looked over her shoulder to see Discord latching on and looking up at her, his ears laid back against his head, looking like he wanted to cry. Celestia help me! she thought, seeing those eyes. "Alright, fine. But don't go causing any more trouble, hear? I'll patch you up, but then I want you to leave."

"Promise," Discord said with a grin.

Applejack doubted he'd stick to that promise, but she didn't call him on it. Maybe Twilight had taught him a thing or two...but he had to have done something bad to piss her off so royally. She led the way back to the farmhouse, going inside to fetch some gauze for that scrape and disinfectant. There really wasn't much she could do for his eyes, but it really didn't bother her.

Coming back outside, she found him curled in a ball, Winona barking at him with an almost vicious look on her face. Applebloom was chasing the dog around in a circle, trying to get the family pet to stop.

"What in the hay did you do to my dog?" Applejack demanded, trotting close.

"Absolutely nothing. I promise," Discord said miserably. "You should be asking what she did to me."

"Discord," she said in a warning tone.

"Alright, fine. I booped her. I thought it was cute."

"What do you mean "booped"?"

"Like this," the draconequus said, snaking close and then pressing his muzzle against her flank.

Applejack jumped up into the air at the uncomfortably ticklish feeling, dropping the supplies. "Discord! You can't go around touching other ponies like that!"

"I wasn't touching. I was booping," he said in response.

"Boop-Discord just stop it!" Applejack growled. "I'm irritated enough that you decided to come to me for help. Why did you do that anyway?"

"Because you're my one true, stoic love," he said in response, his eyes growing big.

And there it is Applejack thought.

"Discord, I ain't your nothin. Is this the kind of nonsense that you were going on about to Twilight? No wonder you're such a mess."

"But it's true," he said with emphasis, looking distressed. "Twilight's the tsundere. You're supposed to be the quietly supportive one."

"Look, Discord. You and I? We're barely even friends. I'm in no way your true, stoic anything."

"You and I are meant to be together," Discord said. "We're like the sun and moon, day and night, destiny and future just wrapped into one. Where I am charming, handsome, and altogether lovable, you're quiet, unattractive, and lonely. It's simply meant to be."

"I'm what now?" Applejack said.

"My sister is beautiful!" Applebloom said, giving up the chase.

"Yes, from a certain point of view, she most certainly is," Discord said. "Just not the common point of view. That's what it means to be the stoic. But don't worry, dear. I'll accept you for who you are no matter what!"

"Dear sweet Celestia," Applejack muttered. "Applebloom," she said in a louder voice. "Why don't you go help Big Mac out? I'll deal with this here mess."

Applebloom sighed. "Alright."

"And take Winona with you," her older sister added.

The filly began walking away. "C'mon Winona," she said and the dog hesitated before following, leaving Applejack and Discord by themselves.

"If you wanted to be alone with me, all you needed to do was ask," Discord purred.

"Is that what this looks like to you?" Applejack asked, gathering up the disinfectant and gauze. "Alright, Discord, hold still for me."

Discord lowered his head enough for her to reach and then sat very still, his eyes trained on the ground. Applejack took the disinfectant first and sprayed his wound.

"Yeouch!" Discord said, jerking up, his hand over his face. "That hurt!"

"It'll hurt more if it gets infected," Applejack retorted. "C'mon. Stop struggling."

Discord grumbled something under his breath and then came down again so she could reach. Applejack placed the gauze over the scratch and taped it to hold it in place.

"Alright," she said. "I've treated you. Now get out of here."

"But I still hurt," the draconequus complained. "Surely there's something more you can do."

Applejack bit her lip. "Fine. I'll bring out some ice for your eyes. Stay here."

"Can't I come inside with you?" he asked. "I promise, my love, I won't mess anything up."

"You promised you'd leave right away too."

"That isn't what I said," he said in response. "I promised I wouldn't cause trouble."

"You've been causing trouble from the moment you arrived!"

"No one has died yet."

"Is that your definition of not causing trouble?"

"Basically, yes."

Applejack rolled her eyes and proceeded to ignore him, going back inside the house. She attempted to close the door before Discord could follow, but he stuck a paw out, using it as a wedge and forcing the door back open. Seeing that it would probably be more trouble to kick him out, Applejack simply walked back inside. "Alright," she said. "Sit down." She then went to the freezer and pulled out several cubes, putting them in a little bag and then carrying it over to the draconequus. "Here."

He took it from her and glanced at her face like he needed further instruction.

"Put it on your eyes," she said.

He closed his eyes and draped the bag across his face, leaning back in the chair. "I can't tell you how glad this makes me feel. Your love is just so overpowering. It would move me to tears if I could cry through such agony."

"I don't think you're really in that much pain," Applejack commented. "Now you really need to drop this whole "harem" idea. It's obvious that Twilight didn't feel anything towards you and neither do I."

"So you say, but you're a stoic. You would be too embarrassed to admit the truth."

"Alright, then. I'm embarrassed to say this but...I don't like you. At all. Barely as a friend. Maybe not even that. But definitely definitely as any sort of romantic partner." Of course she wasn't embarrassed at all, in any sense of the word, but it was obvious that Discord was pretty invested in his fantasy.

"My love, it makes me giddy to hear you deny it so heartily. Maybe you're the tsundere and I was merely mistaken! Then Twilight can fit perfectly into the yandere role!"

"I don't understand what that means, but no, Discord. That's untrue."

"Just say one thing for me."

"Will you drop it after that?"

"Say "baka"."

"Will you drop it?"

"Say it. Say it! Sayitsayitsayit!"

"ALRIGHT!" Applejack took a breath. "Baka."

Discord let out a squeal, his feet stomping on the ground.

"It's so cute when you say it! Definitely! Definitely you're the tsundere!"

"DISCORD!"

"I absolutely adore you Applejack! The tsundere is the main love interest, you know? It's fate, no, destiny, no, infinity for us to be together! It's the entire crux of the universe! Space and time and-!"

"Discord," Applejack said in a carefully composed voice, stopping him in his tracks. "Stop it or I swear I might be the one breaking your face in next."

"Applejack...I don't know what to say but..." He took the ice from his eyes, dropping to one knee. "Will you marry me?"

Applejack stared at him, this black-eyed draconequus with the deep voice and the strange words, and said the one thing any sane mare would have said in her place. "Absolutely not...baka."

Author's Note

Chapter 3 is out~ I've been sitting on this for a while. The next few chapters I'm planning on releasing this week.