Bonk

by kudzuhaiku

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance
Length: 2638

The story that dares ask, 'can a kiss really cause foals?'

Star Swirl the Bearded and Clover the Clever come together to discuss Equestria's future. Clover the Clever makes the age old mistake of kissing her teacher. There are consequences.

Published 2015-06-03 00:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-03 13:27:20 UTC

Equine progress goes -BONK!-

Looking up, Star Swirl the Bearded cleared his throat and studied the stars. The stars were weird and seemed to be almost unreadable. His long white beard was tugged in the warm breeze of the early night. Dropping his gaze, he looked over at his apprentice and student.

“Master, we live in perilous times. The windigos might be gone, but there are many threats to our fledgling nation. Unicorn magic is becoming unstable and it is getting harder and harder for us to move the sun and the moon. The one called Discord is in the south, causing all manner of problems. The griffons make excursions from the east and there are dragons in the north. Our numbers are few but our foes are many,” Clover said, her tone one of extreme worry.

“The stars are all wrong,” Star Swirl said, adding to Clover the Clever’s list of troubles.

“Perhaps it is time that we abandon this place and find some other place that is safer.” Clover looked over at Star Swirl and noted his grumpy expression. There was only one way to cure a grumpy expression. Clover bit her lip and a mischievous glint twinkled into existence in her eyes.

“And where do we go? From whence we came? Off towards the horizon once more?” Star Swirl shook his head. “No. We are staying here. We are fighting if we have to. I have grown weary of being chased away by those who would harm us.”

“We lack the means to fight. Our magic is becoming unpredictable and our unicorns are drained from moving the sun and the moon. Our best option is to do what we have always done, and that is to run.” Clover, grinning, took a step closer to Star Swirl.

“NO! No more running! I’m tired of running! We keep running! It is time for us to have a kingdom!” Star Swirl stomped his hoof down into the earth with each sentence to punctuate his words. He shook his head, causing the bells on his hat to jingle.

Clover, who was clever, took advantage of Star Swirl’s distracted state. She crept up along his side, her lips puckered, and she planted a bit wet smooch on Star Swirl’s cheek.

“What?” Blinking, Star Swirl turned and looked at Clover.

Darting away, Clover the Clever went pronking around the meadow, laughing and forgetting about her many troubles. Meanwhile, Star Swirl, who was still recovering, realised that his student had just kissed him. Conflicted, he did not know what to think.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Star Swirl said.

“And why not? It isn’t like kissing causes you to have foals, that old pony tale has been disproven,” Clover replied as she gamboled about. “Been wanting to do that for a long time. Princess Platinum said I would never have the cheek. Well, I showed her!”

Unable to explain why, Star Swirl no longer felt quite so grumpy or hopeless. He sat down in the damp grass and watched as more stars twinkled to life overhead while Clover continued her romping. Things were bleak, but things had always been bleak for equines. Things were bleak and life somehow went on. Ponies fell in love. Ponies held ceremonies of commitment. Foals were born. Foals were raised. Eventually, foals replaced their parents, who often died of disease, or predation, or any number of other horrible things, but seldom of old age. Somehow, life went on.

The old conjurer found himself smiling as he watched Clover. She was pretty, disease hadn’t ravaged her body, she was young, and she had discovered the Fires of Friendship. She was an impressive wizard in her own right.

All then, all of a sudden, the night sky lit up in a massive explosion. One of the stars flashed and a massive novae filled the night sky, turning it almost as bright as day. Star Swirl was almost blinded from the bright flash of light.

Clover stopped pronking around and looked up, blinking, trying to see after the flash of light. There were a million stars in her vision, and she had trouble telling which stars were real and which stars were caused by her dazzled eyes.

Overhead, a lone shooting star came arcing down out of the night sky, trailing fire, blazing as bright as the sun as it came down. As it was coming down, the moon on the horizon flashed with the most peculiar light and once more the night sky was filled with brilliant light.

A second shooting star had joined the first.

Transfixed, unable to move, Star Swirl the Bearded stared upwards, watching as the shooting stars came down, his mouth hung open and his eyes were wide. A roaring sound filled the night sky.

Clover’s hind legs gave way and she sat down with a -plop- in the damp grass. She too, stared upwards, unable to move, spellbound by the beautiful sight of the night sky blazing and the two shooting stars.

Much to his surprise, Star Swirl the Bearded realised that the shooting star was heading straight for him. He willed his legs to move, he told his body to flee, but nothing happened. All he could do was stare in wide eyed awe as the burning meteor drew closer and closer. It was almost too painful to look at.

Terrified, Star Swirl the Bearded flinched and waited for the end.

-BONK!-

The shooting star struck Star Swirl with terrific force, sending him sprawling. Somehow, he did not die. Groaning, he flopped around the grass, blinded, and he heard a cry. He heard a cry that sounded very much like a foal crying.

-BONK!-

“OH BISCUITS!” Clover cried as she was hurled away by the impact of the second meteor.

Star Swirl rolled over onto his belly, lifted his head, and in the grass, he saw a flash of white and pink. The crying was shrill, painful to his ears, and his entire body ached from the impact. He struggled to get up and figure out what was going on.

“Clover, are you okay?” Star Swirl asked. He waited for a reply as he crawled through the grass upon his belly.

“NO!” Clover cried. “I’m not okay… I just found out that kissing does in fact cause foals! How am I supposed to be okay? I’ll never hear the end of this from Puddinghead!”

Two eyes stared at Star Swirl. He saw a tuft of pink mane and alabaster white foal stared at him while she wailed. It was a very odd foal. She had both wings and a horn. It was unlike anything Star Swirl had ever seen.

“There’s a funny looking foal over here… she’s blue and she won’t stop crying!” Clover called out.

“Wings and a horn?” Star Swirl asked.

“Yes,” Clover replied. “What do we do?”

“We take them back to our gathered tribes and we see what they have to say…”

Author's Note

I dunno... maybe. That's all I have to say to your question.

What has eight legs, four wings, two horns, four eyes, and goes -BONK!- in the night...

What has eight legs, four wings, two horns, four eyes, and goes -BONK!- in the night...

Feeling weary, Star Swirl sat down in a chair, puffed out his cheeks as he settled in against the soft cushions, and then tried to tune out the rest of the world. It was a real test of his abilities to raise these two foals. Both were as strong as earth ponies, had the courage and flight of pegasi, while having the curiousity and magic of unicorns.

Heaving a sigh of exhaustion, Clover, who was clever, sat down in a chair beside Star Swirl, who was bearded. It was Commander Hurricane and Private Pansy’s turn to run after the foals for a while, and when they grew exhausted, Puddinghead and Smart Cookie would take over. Princess Platinum of course, being the gracious princess that she was, supervised everything while offering inspirational words of encouragement.

“The white one is a joy, she is perfect in every way, she is as sweet and adorable as the day is long,” Star Swirl said to Clover as he began to stroke his magnificent long white beard with his hoof.

“The blue one is nothing but trouble. She is foul tempered, cantankerous, she is a sour foal and she is so very jealous of her sister,” Clover replied to Star Swirl.

The pair shared a sigh as they watched a blue foal go flapping past on stubby wings, giggling in not at all subtle maniacal manner as she went through the door. A moment later, Commander Hurricane came running through the room with Private Pansy hot on his fetlocks.

“Halt! You made me say it twice!” Commander Hurricane bellowed as he went thundering past. “Halt, or I shall be forced to say ‘halt!’ again!”

“Come back here you little windigo spawn!” Private Pansy cried as she kept up with Commander Hurricane.

“Who is watching the white one?” Clover asked as she sank even deeper into the cushions of her chair.

Almost as if on cue, the white foal pranced into the room, her stubby wings flapping. She was beautiful, she was as radiant as the sun, and she filled the room with life affirming warmth. Her radiance inspired all those who viewed her, revitalising bodies numbed by exhaustion, restoring vigour to those who were weary.

Of course, this radiance and warmth may have been because she was on fire once again, blazing as bright as a flare, and she ignited the wooden door as she pranced through the doorway. Star Swirl and Clover both cried out in panic as both discovered they weren’t quite as exhausted as they thought. They were on their hooves in a hot second, trying to fireproof the room, extinguish the door, and keep their comfortable chairs from burning to a cinder.

“Oh biscuits, everything is on fire again!”

“Yes, but think of the bits we’ll save on heating!”

Moving with swift assurance, Star Swirl lifted the white foal in his magic, holding back her flames as he lifted her up, while Clover worked to put the flames that blazed throughout the room. The white foal was giggling and her smile shone as bright as the sun. Reaching out, she booped Star Swirl on the nose with one burning hoof.

Then, in the most adorable way one could imagine, she yawned, making a tiny squeak.

“The sun is going down and just like clockwork, she is ready for bed,” Clover said, giving voice to her observations. “She operates on perfect celestial mechanics and her behaviour is almost predictable.”

“Come back here you little blue tyrant!” Commander Hurricane demanded as the blue foal continued to elude him. “It is almost time for bed!”

“No!” the blue foal replied as she flew back into the room that had just been on fire.

“Her first word… and it is one of defiance,” Private Pansy said as she rose into a hover and then flew after the blue foal. “Come, little blue foal, come to bed and I will sing to you!”

“Good luck with that.” Star Swirl patted his smouldering beard and made certain the last of the fire was out. He hadn’t lost too much, it was important to keep one’s beard when you were called ‘the Bearded’ as part of your name. “She has spent most of the day asleep. She’ll go to bed when the moon goes to bed.”

As the white foal yawned once more, Star Swirl, who had a kind smile and who had found his second wind, trotted off to put her to bed, so she could lay down and have sweet, pleasant dreams in her flame retardant cradle.

Clover, being clever, followed after Star Swirl and when he put the white foal to bed, Clover stood beside him and smiled down at the foal blazing in her cradle, which was tucked into a fireplace. To say that the good little foal slept like a log was an understatement.

“All of this because of a kiss,” Star Swirl said in a low voice as the foal crackled in the fireplace. He stood by the fire, warming his bones, and enjoying Clover’s closeness.

The white foal yawned one last time and her flames became more like a glowing ember. She closed her eyes, settled down into her cradle, and as darkness spread over the land, she went to sleep.

For Commander Hurricane and Private Pansy, the night would last forever, because this was the night that the blue foal would refuse to go to bed…

“That is a very silly story,” Twilight Twinkle said as she looked up at her auntie Celery.

Surrounded by entirely too many foals on all sides, Princess Celestia was surprised that her bed could even hold all of all them. She felt every little body around her, pressed up against her, their reassuring warmth filling her with feelings of love and affection.

“I suspwect that aunt Cewestwia is twelling us a fabwicwation,” Gloaming Guard said.

“Shut up, snotface!” Twilight Twinkle shoved her hoof into her twin brother’s face.

“Now now, behave, both of you.” Celestia looked down at Twilight Sparkle’s foals. Both had rich purple pelts like their mother. Both had blue hair like their father. Gloaming Guard was a unicorn like his mother had been, and Twilight Twinkle was a pegasus.

“I liked the story,” Barley said just before he yawned. He smacked his lips and rested his head upon his own twin sister, Brandywine, who kissed him.

“Oh yuck! You kissed your own brother!” Twilight Twinkle cried as she recoiled in horror. “Colt cooties!”

“Brothers are gross,” Ditzy said as she cuddled up closer to Twilight Twinkle.

“Hey!” Dizzy said in protest of his sister’s words. He pushed his black mane out of his eyes and tried to see past his hair. It fell right back down over his eyes and left him blind. He huffed in frustration.

“Sisters are icky,” Blue Streak said as he peeked out from beneath Celestia’s wing. “And they smell funny too.”

“We do not!” Twilight Twinkle protested, glaring at her other brother.

“We smell like soap and cookies.” Ditzy blinked and tried to focus her eyes. “Colts smell like plots—”

“Now now,” Celestia said, and then sighed as she summoned her patience.

Feeling squished, Bell Heather lifted her head, yawned, and then dropped her head upon Barley’s back. He was soft and he didn’t smell like plots. He smelled like strawberry soap.

“Did they really keep you in the fireplace?” Twilight Twinkle asked.

Laughing, Celestia dropped her head down and kissed the foal on the cheek. “It is time for bed. The sun has long since gone to sleep and so should you.”

Groaning, Tourmaline shook her head. “The bed is full of cookie crumbs… I’ll never get to sleep.”

“I wonder what Luna is doing,” Blue Streak said as he struggled to hold in a yawn. After a moment, he lost, and his tiny muzzle was split open by an enormous yawn.

“I suspect that Luna and the foals with her are doing pretty much what we are doing,” Celestia replied. “Only for them, the night is just getting started. Now go to sleep.” Reaching out with her magic, Celestia turned off the lights and the illumination in the room was the fire burning in the grate. She heard a tiny squeak as somepony yawned and she reveled in the warm, pleasant feeling of drowsiness.

“We should post a guard… I know my sister Crisis and Bandua… they will come for us in the night while we are sleeping,” Brandywine said in a worried voice.

Blinking, Celestia discovered that she was now wide awake.

Author's Note

I was feeling very silly. Don't know if regret.