Author's Note
Warning: This story is really bad. You have been warned. Thus ends the warning.
Actual notes: This is not the story Sleepy Panda was talking about. That story will come out later. Until then, read this. I guess. I mean, If you really want to...
Edited by Sleepy Panda
Chapter 1
Derpy walked down the long dark alleyway in the more dangerous part of Ponyville. The part no one liked to acknowledge. This part may be where 80% of Ponyville crime took place, but it also had a really good muffin shop. Like, really good. No one could beat these muffins. She walked in. The familiar bell sounded as the door slammed shut.
"The usual, Chuck," she said to the clerk. She had been there countless times.
"You got it, Derpy!" He walked into the room in the back. Derpy looked at the familiar surroundings. The long ebony counter slowly stretched to the back of the room. The counters of the same ebony wood held chocolate, peanut butter, and blueberry muffins. Just the thought of those muffins made her mouth lather. Oh how she longed for those muffins.
Other than the counters and shelves, the room was mainly blank except for small fan in the corner. It pushed more hot air into her face.
"Here ya' go, Derpy. Six blueberry, six chocolate, and six peanut butter! Enjoy yourself and, oh, be careful. This isn't the best part of town." The clerk smiled as he gave her the basket of pure baked goodness.
Derpy knew well to take his advice. He was a nice pony, She walked out and heard the bell again. She would be back next week for more muffins. She always did, after all.
She walked again down the dark alleyway, breathing in the humid, hot air. Pony's stared. She held her muffins close. no one could take those from her. She sped up slightly when they started whispering. some took steps forward. She stopped speed walking and broke into a sprint. The pony's galloped after her. She followed her instincts and flew to the nearest cloud. Thank Celestia they were all earth ponies.
She flew up from the cloud to Cloudsdale. Into her home she went. Freshly produced rainbows were poured right out her bedroom window. Derpy always had to take a moment to appreciate them. The smell of blueberries, oranges. ~~and blood~~ and cherries came from them. Those smells, however, could not beat the smell of her muffins. She picked up a blueberry one and, after inspecting it to see its perfection, she ate it. Wrapper and all. Ponies always told her that the wrapper is not food and should be ignored. Fools. She knew that the wrapper was not an actual wrapper but part of the muffin itself. To say otherwise would be blasphemy.
On one occasion, she had tried eating a rapper. When she bit his hair, she was confused to find the taste not matching that of the muffin. As she took a second bite, she pondered why. Was it a different flavor? As she thought, she was informed that there is, in fact, a difference between wrappers and rappers. The more you know.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Derpy hid her muffins in case of thieves or unwanted intruders. She carefully opened the door. There was a mail pony outside.
"A package for one Twilight Sparkle, here. Yep. Twi-i-i-i-ilight sparkle. The one and only."
"Umm... I think you might just have the wrong house." Derpy looked down at the box he was holding.
"That says Derpy Hooves."
"Oh, umm, then, ah- A Package here for one Derpy Hooves? You got a Derpy Hooves in the house?"
"Ha ha ha! Yep. That's me, alright. You need to improve your reading." The mail pony blushed.
"See you next time, Twilight. Uh! Sorry! I mean Derpy. See you next time." The pony flew away as fast as he could. His face was completely red. Derpy laughed. He was funny.
Derpy looked down at the package. She carefully peeled off the tape. Like all tape, it was sticky. The package said it was from Twilight. That must have been how the mail pony got confused. Inside the brown cardboard box was a bowl.
A bowl of peaches.
"No! I'm not gonna do a spin off of THAT fan fiction! It doesn't even make sense!
Derpy stormed out of the room in a fury. She was so angry! She would not become part of the many groups who dedicated themselves to peaches! Peaches aren't even that good! Unless they're muffins. But they make her least favorite type of muffin!
In her rage she missed Rainbow Dash flying in front of her. SMACK! She flew right into the mare.
"Who- o- o- ah! Watch where you're going, Derpy! HA HA HA HA HA!"
"Ha ha..."
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA"
"Rainbow, you're really- um I mean... Ha ha?"
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA"
"Ok, yo're really starting to scare me now, Rainb-"
"HA HA HA DEE HO DEE HEE HEE HOO HA DEE HO DEE HEE HA HEE HOO HO HO HEE HOO HA HA HA HA DEE HO DEE HA HA HA DEE HO DEE HA HA HEE HEE HEE HEE HA HA HA HO HO HO HA DEE HA DEE HO HOO HEE HA HEE HOOO HA HEE HA HOO HO HEE HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
"Ok. I'm calling the police."
Derpy flew away, Rainbows distant HA HA HEE DEE HA HOO HO HOO fading out in the distance. Derpy sighed. She slowly descended to the ground, going towards Ponyville. She landed on the earth. Her hooves felt the grass. it was slightly damp, covered in dew. She decided to go to Equestria's capitol, Canterlot. Why? I dunno! Don't ask me! I'M just a narrator. Gosh. Some ponies just have NO MANNERS.
Derpy gave the cashier 10 bits and went onto the train. She sat in silence as the train moved forward. It stopped at manehatten. phillydelphia. Then Canterlot. She stepped out of the train and took a breath of the fresh air. She walked around the beutifull city. It was nice to keep her mind of of the HA HA HA HEE HEE HO HOO HEH HA HA HA HEE HO HOO of rainbow dash. As she walked, She ran into someone she never thought she would see again. Her flowing rainbow hair, her besutifull white fur, it was Celestia!
her..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
EX-GIRLFRIEND!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
NOTE: Everyone will die in this chapter.
Where did they even get a giant flat screen TV? Derpy thought this as it flew across her face. Dr.Hooves and Celestia were in a heated battle for Derpy, who they tied to a chair for some reason. They were throwing many odd objects at eachother.
"GUYS! STOP!" Derpy screamed.
"NUUU I HAZ 2 KILLLL HIM HE TRI TO STELE MUH GURL" Celestia responded
"Well then at least untie me from this chair!" Derpy did not like rope.
"Absolutely not! You would interfere!" Doctor Hooves said.
"If you two don't stop fighting then I'm going to break up with Celestia and NEITHER of you can date me! You know, I thought that you had changed, Celestia. I was Wrong. Both of you are idiots.
At that point, Derpy used her wing that were suprisingly not tied to the chair to fly away,
Derpy, and the chair, flew into oblivion.
"Wow." said Doctor Hooves. "I guess we got a little carried away. I'm sorry Celestia."
"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" She threw a brick at his head.
Doctor Hooves took a long look at the brick. Tears began to form in his eyes.
"Brickia? Oh Brickia! I thought I would never see you again! I don't even need Derpy." The doctor kissed the brick passionately.
"LIK IF U CRIY EVREH TIMEH" Said Celestia. Tears ran down her face. "LUVE IZ BUTIFULLL. IM SRY. WIL U FORGIV?"
"Forgiven."
Derpy flew angrily into her place of work and got one of the ponies to cut the ropes to free her from the chair. She then picked up her daily mail to deliver and flew it around.
THE END
wait.
I for got to kill everyone.
GOD DAMMIT EVERY TIME!
Author's Note
This chapter has lots of emotion. Crying. I don't cry. Tears are for the weak and well-hydrated. I am neither of those things.
