Home is for the Weak

by Pickleless

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Scootaloo, Random
Length: 22688

The princess of the sun and a gimp orphan sit in a cardboard box.

Celestia and Scootaloo are homeless in a Ponyville alleyway together. They like to talk about things.

These are the things they talk about.

Note: The crayon scribbles of a plot is done, but the ride never ends story still updates.

Published 2015-10-22 15:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-24 21:59:19 UTC

Beat Children who are Smaller than you.

"So I turned twelve years old today." Scootaloo smiled.

"Happy birthday kid." The Stallion congratulated.

"Thanks mister... whoever you are!"

"Nopony special."

"Thanks Nopony Special!"

The two quietly chuckled together as they watched ponies pass by the alleyway.

"So did you get what you wanted?" Nopony asked.

"Yeah, Rainbow Dash let me ride her back as she flew today, it was awesome!"

"Nice..." Special yawned. "So, you know what this means right?"

"What?" Scootaloo blinked.

"You are now powerful enough to beat up three 4 year olds."

"What?"

"Or four 3 year olds, or two 6 year olds."

"Or one 12 year old." Scootaloo finished.

"Now you getting it." Nopony smiled.

"So... does that mean when I'm thirteen I can only beat up another 13 year old?"

"You could also beat up two 6 year olds and two midgets."

"Does that mean, that right now, I have the power to beat up 24 midgets?" Scootaloo stared at the stallion in awe.

"Yes." Nopony gave her the most serious look he could muster.

"Or I could beat up twelve one year olds- WAIT, wait wait wait wait wait!.." Scootaloo stood up in the box.

"Does that mean... I can beat up an INFINITE amount of new born babies?!?"

The dirt covered stallion stood up as well in the unusually large box and held Scootaloo's cheek in his hoof. Staring into her eyes, he said in a mystical, powerful voice:

"Scootaloo, you could beat up EVERY NEWBORN BABY in existence if you so desired..."

Scootaloo got a faraway look in her eyes, dreaming a dream no pony dared to dream before. Suddenly, she knew what she had to do. Seeing a flash, she recognized this feeling of inner acceptance. There was only one explanation for it! Looking at her flank she saw!..

...Nothing.

Featherweight's camera went off again, making another flash as he took pictures of a nearby building.

"Awwww..." Scootaloo pouted as she sat back down.

"Were you seriously hoping for a infant beating cutie mark?" Nopony laid back down as well.

"It might have been cool..." Scootaloo averted her eyes... and then saw a delicious cake sitting on a silver platter.

"Woah," Scootaloo cried out, "where did that come from?!?"

"Who knows..." Nopony smiled.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU FOALS HAS ROBBED US OF OUR ROYAL DESSERT?!?" Luna roared.

Eat your friends, they're delicious.

Scootaloo and Nopony sat in their box, staring off into the clouds with a blank, detached look on their faces. It was lazy days like this tha-

"Quick, off the top of your head," Nopony shouted, "if Sweetie Belle had a taste, what would it be?!?"

"Marshmallows!" Scootaloo shouted.

"Applebloom!"

"Apples, duh!"

"Applejack?"

"Uhh... Apples?"

"No!" Nopony growled. "She is obviously whiskey."

"What's whiskey?" Scootaloo tilted her head in an adorable manner.

"...I'll tell you when you're older. Fluttershy!"

"A tree!"

"Rarity!"

"Nasty!"

"Rainbow Dash!"

"Beef jerky!"

"Twi- wait what?" Nopony stopped.

"Beef jerky!" Scootaloo echoed.

"Kid, she is obviously skittles."

"Pff! Rainbow Dash wouldn't have no namby pamby taste like skittles. She's an awesome flavor, like beef jerky!"

"...How do you know what beef jerky tastes like?"

"...So Twilight!"

"Scootaloo."

"She would obviously taste like something nerdy."

"Scootaloo..."

"I don't know... what do you think?"

"Cocaine, Scootaloo, how do-"

"What's cocaine?"

"Something that seems nice and friendly at first, but the longer you're around it, the more things go to tartarus."

"Yep, that's Twilight alright."

"Scootaloo, how do you know what-"

"Celestia is oatmeal with dinosaur shaped marshmallows in it."

Nopony blinked. "She is?"

"Yeah, because she sounds awesome, but ends up being really disappointing."

"...Okay, I deserve that one."

"You do?" Scootaloo cocked her head.

"But seriously, I'm kinda concerned you know what meat tastes-"

"Princess Luna would be an energy drink."

"Scootaloo!"

"What would Princess Cadence be?"

Nopony sighed.

"Peeps." He grunted.

"Peeps?"

"These little candies that are shaped like baby chicks that are so nauseatingly sugary that just having one makes you sick to your stomach."

"And Cadence is one of those?"

"She's so optimistic you can't help but feel tired after being around her for five minutes."

Scootaloo frowned, deep in thought.

"You okay kid?"

"Hey Nopony?"

"Yeah Scootaloo?"

"Why are all the princesses things that are bad for us?"

...

"Nopony, are you okay? ...Nopony?"

Why Scootaloo.

"Hey kid, if you had to take down Princess Celestia, what would you do?"

"What?" Scootaloo scrunched up her nose.

"Imagine you decided Princess Celestia had to go, and you committed to taking her out, what would you do?" Nopony grinned.

Scootaloo stared off into the distance with a serious expression on her face.

"Sooooo, do I get super powers or anything?" She asked.

"Nope!"

"Like I am now?"

"Yep!"

Nopony, or rather, Celestia, was always curious what ponies who wanted her gone cooked up in their heads. Asking a ten year old wouldn't give her an idea, but she felt it would be amusing to hear what an innocent child could think of.

"Do I have to be a good pony?" Scootaloo questioned.

"In this pretend scenario?.." Nopony scratched his chin. "Tell you what, you can be as evil as you want."

"Okay." Scootaloo nodded.

"This should be good." Nopony chuckled inwardly.

Really, how evil could a 12 year old get? Now he was curious Scootaloo's idea of being evil was like. So he waited.

...

And waited.

...

And waited...

Aaaaaand waited...

Scootaloo hadn't said anything all day. When Nopony prodded and questioned her, she stayed deathly silent. She hadn't eaten or drank anything, she quietly stared off into the distance with a focused look in her eyes. Even her friends Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle couldn't get her to go out and play. It was sunset, and Nopony was seriously considering taking her to the hospital.

"Got it." Scootaloo finally said.

"Got what?" Nopony flinched, surprised.

"How I'd take down Celestia."

"Oh," Nopony blinked. "You do?"

Scootaloo took a deep breath.

"First thing I would do is rent a buncha books from the library about a pony's mind and stuff. You know, all those books on how confidence and insecurities are formed or whatever. Then I'd hang out with Zecora a lot to get to know what she does all the time. Find where she goes, and at what time she'll be where and all that. Then, I would take Apple Bloom and Sweetiebelle with me into the Everfree with me and beat them to death with a bat or something."

Nopony frowned.

"I'm not sure who I would kill first. I mean, Applebloom would put a fight as I'm slugging on Sweetie, but Sweetie has magic that could be annoying to deal with, you know? After killing them I would bloody myself up a bit and wait for Zecora to pass by. I would have to time it so Zecora would show up in about five to ten minutes. When Rarity and Applejack question me in the hospital on what happened. I would say changelings tried to kill us so that way nopony could say they saw them.

"So then Twilight, with all that awesome magic and junk, would totally find the nearest changeling hive and invade it with the rest of the elements of harmony. I would sneak along and join them, trailing behind them as they took out all the changelings. Eventually, they'd would be fighting the whole hive at once. While all the changelings would be fighting them, I would sneak into the breeding chamber and either steal a changeling egg or a changeling baby, either one works.

"Then, I would raise that changeling to have no self confidence and to adore me. That way, it would do whatever I say with undying loyalty. I would also raise it to believe that alicorns were the source of all evil, and that Twilight killed its hive for fun. It'll grow up around ponies praising Twilight for destroying it's hive, and learn to hate ponies and alicorns!

"Then, I would have it hypnotize me to believe that Celestia was actually flying down to where I sleep at night and beating me for stress relief. Luna would see my nightmares, hear my woe, and be conflicted. The seeds of doubt would be planted! I would rob a bunch of banks using the changeling's shape-shifting powers, and hire a master thief to steal the alicorn amulet. I would slip the amulet on Twilight while she was sleeping. While I'm doing this, my changeling will sneak into Canterlot Castle, and transform into Princess Celestia. It would be in a room next to Luna on purpose, and monologue about its evil plan to put the Alicorn Amulet onto Twilight, so Luna and her will have a justification to 'accidentally' kill Twilight. Luna will try to confront Celestia about this, but the changeling will teleport away as Luna breaks down the door.

"I will wake Spike after putting the amulet on Twilight and say that she had gone mad and he should send a letter to Celestia. Celestia will head to Ponyville, and will be stopped by her sister. The three Alicorns will fight it out, and eventually Celestia and Luna will win when they realize they need to stop Twilight regardless of what happens. Celestia will be arrested and contained, and that's when my changeling and I will strike.

"While Celestia has a limiter on her made to suppress her Alicorn's magic, my changeling will hypnotize her, break her out, and have Celestia kill herself. The changeling will take her place and 'Celestia's' journal will be found, stating she planned to kill Luna all those years ago to absorb her powers, but Twilight ruined the plan by actually succeeding at stopping Nightmare Moon, when she was suppose to fail and die, justifying Celestia to kill her sister. That's why she raised Twilight to be friendless and alone in a tower.

"Celestia will be found guilty and sentenced to death, and then I will boast that I set everything up, admitting to killing Applebloom, Sweetiebelle, and stealing the amulet. I will not tell them that I killed Celestia and switched her out with my Changeling. Luna will feel hope in her heart once more. The false truth soothes the pain of betrayal and lies. And then, after they kill me and Celestia is free, my changeling will switch back and confess how Celestia was killed and she took her place, crushing Luna's heart to pieces. It will transform into a small, child version of me, and then it'll say to her..."

Nopony stared at Scootaloo in horror as she turned her cute, puppy like eyes towards him.

"Those are the tears of a fool, who couldn't save her innocent sister from death, when your sister spent a thousand years saving you from your sinful mistakes."

Author's Note

Gotta be the best friend, gotta beat your worst friend.

"So who is your worst friend?" Scootaloo asked.

"Worst friend?" Nopony parroted.

"You know, your WORST friend."

"What's a worst friend?"

Well," Scootaloo focused, "You have a best friend right? That pony you connect the deepest with, the pony you act yourself the most around. The one you're naturally want to hang out with all the time."

"Of course." Nopony smiled.

"So who's your best friend?" Scootaloo smiled back.

"My sister!"

"Family doesn't count."

"What? Why not?"

"Come on, that's what ponies say when they're too lame to make any friends. You have friends besides your sister, right?"

"..."

"Wow, really?" Scootaloo shook her head. "Man, that's sad."

"What's a man?" Nopony frowned. "Also, I do too have friends," he huffed, "After all, we're friends, aren't we?"

"You're the strange, dirty stallion who decided to sleep in my box."

"Exactly, we're friends!"

"Right." Scootaloo shook her head. "Anypony else besides me?"

"Uhhhhh..."

"Anypony you spent a lot of time with? You know them really well?" Scootaloo made a gesture with her hoof.

"..."

"Oh man..." Scootaloo sighed.

"Alright big shot, who's your best friend? Consider how close you and the other two crusaders are, I imagine you'll have a hard tim-"

"Sweetie Belle."

"Wow, that was fast. Not even a moment of hesitation there. I mean, really? No chance at all Appleblo-"

"Sweetie Belle."

"I mean, she's fit from working on a farm and you're into sports stuff, I would think you'd relate to her more tha-"

"Sweetie Belle."

"Look, I honestly thought Sweetie was the third wheel in the grou-"

"Sweetie Belle."

"Don't feel bad for Applebloom at all?"

"No."

...

"Well," Nopony cleared his throat, "At least you know who your best friend is."

"So who's your worst friend?" Scootaloo questioned.

"You never said what a worst friend was."

"Oh you know," Scootaloo shrugged, "That pony you only hang out with when you're in a group if you can help it. You have to keep telling yourself 'I like this pony,' whenever they annoy you. You're very careful with what you say to this pony out of fear of upsetting them because they get really annoying when they're upset. You make fun of them behind their back. You would hang out with this pony over a stranger, but nopony else you know. They're your worst friend."

Nopony hummed to himself.

Let's see... Only hang out in groups, have to remind yourself you appreciate them, careful what you say...

...

"You thought of somepony didn't you?" Scootaloo said with a smug grin.

"N- no!" Nopony stuttered.

It was ridiculous, there's no way Twilight is his worst friend. Nopony likes Twilight Sparkle, she saved his sister, is his precious stu-

"You're telling yourself why you like them~." Scootaloo sang.

"Shut up!" Nopony growled.

Sure he only calls her up nowadays when trouble's afoot, but the two of them are busy. I mean, he guards his words around her out of necessity, he's her teacher and... and... Man, Twilight can be neurotic.

"... I think Twilight Sparkle is my worst friend." Nopony mumbled.

"You and Twilight Sparkle are friends?" Scootaloo questioned.

"Long story." He dismissed. "Okay fine, who is your worst fri-..." He stopped.

"What?" Scootaloo frowned.

Nopony had the most evil grin on his face.

"W- what?!?" Scootaloo scowled.

"I know who your worst friend is~..." Nopony sang the same tune Scootaloo sung to him.

"What? No way!" Scootaloo scoffed. "...Who?"

"Rainbow Dash!"

"What?!?"

"You only hang out with her in groups," He pretended to check off a list, "You keep telling yourself you love this pony, especially when she cancels on you, constantly. You're very careful with what you say to her, and you complain about her to your friends whenever she tells you she'll teach you to fly later.'"

Scootaloo opened her mouth to respond, closed it, and then lied down on her side and curled up into a little ball.

"Scoots? You okay? Scoots?.. Huh, usually you break my brain by the end of the day."

Nopony stopped to think about that.

"What has my life become?.."

Take a Guess

"Hey Nopony?"

"Yeah kid?"

"Who was the greatest pony who ever lived?"

"Jack Shit."

"What did he do?"

Home is for the weak?..

It was a glorious full moon, glowing bright red, and painting all of Ponyville in a soft, pink light. Citizens frolicked about town, neighing randomly and conveying mindless joy. A young mare and a little filly laid in a box watching the moon in gentle contentment.

"It is a blessed night Shimmer." Diamond Tiara whispered.

"Truly Tiara, we are most fortunate." Sunset smiled.

"Princess Derpy has painted a masterpiece in the sky once more."

"I feel as if the Moon is massaging my brain in the most pleasant of manners."

"All hail the moon." the two monotoned in sync.

"Diamond, I have been thinking." Sunset pondered. "Do you believe there might be more out there beyond Muffinland?"

Diamond Tiara reared up and slapped Sunset in the face.

"Listen to me you succulent, sassy mare," Diamond scolded, "You are lucky that we are best friends. Have you said that to anypony else, they would've cut you down for being the heretic you are!"

"But what if?" Sunset said in a dangerous tone. "What if we left the town see to what lies past?"

"Then we would no longer be in Muffinland!" Diamond snapped. "What could possibly be worse than that?!?"

"Did you ever dream... that there might be more types of food out there than muffins?" Sunset whispered.

"Blasphemy..." Diamond whispered back.

"Answer me, well-polished child!"

"...Yes. Yes I did." She answered.

"Let us go Diamond, together!" Sunset grinned. "Think of the world we could dumbly neigh at! The things we could roll on and lick absentmindedly!"

"This is too much for me." Diamond's eye twitched. "I need to lie down and think about the moon."

"All hail the moon."

"Diamond, dream of a future brighter than starlight and baked goods!" Sunset pleaded. "We could be amazing and/or dead!"

"We really could be amazing and/or dead..." Diamond quietly said to herself.

"Let's go, now! To a brighter tomorrow and/or death!"

"Yeah!" Diamond jumped up. "I believe everything will be better or I'll die!"

"Or both!"

"YEAH!" The two cheered as they bumped hooves.

The two raced towards the edge of the town, laughing like a school filly and a grown mare with the maturity of a school filly.

"Stop, what are you two doing?!?" Shining Armor called out, "You both can't traverse past the veil of reality and leave the protection of the moon!"

"All hail the moon."

"I've committed!" Sunset retorted as she jumped into the mist.

Sunset screamed in pain as she felt her body slowly get torn apart.

"SUNSET STOP, THIS WILL KILL US!" Diamond screamed.

"I CHOSE THIS PATH IN LIFE, AND I COMMITTED!!!" Sunset screamed.

"WHY?!?"

"IIIIIIIIII'VE!"

"COOOOOOMMIIIIIITTEEEEEEED-"

"And that's how Sunset Shimmer stopped being Celestia's student." Nopony finished.

Scootaloo blinked.

"What."

Like two Babies put next to each other on a Sofa.

"Hey Nopony?"

"Yeah kid?"

"Celestia or Luna?"

"Cadence."

"Cadence, why?"

"She never gives up, no matter how demoralized she becomes. Something Celestia, Luna, and Twilight all have done before."

"Wow, yeah! She was pretty brave at her wedding huh?"

"Yeah Scoots, things would've been a lot scarier if she wasn't there.

...

"Nopony?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever wish you could use magic?"

"Magic's overrated."

"Really?"

"There are a lot of creative and clever things Pegasus and Earth Ponies have made to make up for the lack of it. Also, there's a real good feeling of accomplishment in doing something hard on your own. When you have all the magic in the world, life just becomes dull."

"How would you know that? You don't have magic."

"...I had a friend who told me that once. Take it as you will, kid."

...

"Hey-"

"Yes Scootaloo?"

"W- well... I was wondering where you came from."

"Where I live? Here."

"Oh come on! Where did you come from? Where were you born?"

"I came from Canterlot."

"And?"

"...I was born in the Everfree Forest."

"Really? Wow, I can't imagine that!"

"Yeah, it was a lot nicer back when I was born."

...

"Hey Nopony."

Sigh

"Nopony?"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Last question, I promise."

"Alright."

"How did you get your cutie mark?"

...

"Nopony?"

"Things were really dangerous where I came from."

"I know, the Everfree is super dangerous! But I also think it's kinda fun to explore sometimes..."

...

"I'm sorry, could you finish your story please?"

"There was a really, really bad stallion that hated everypony so much, he wanted to make everything disappear. He hurt a lot of really powerful ponies who kept other ponies like me safe. I grew up without parents or an education really, so I didn't have much self confidence. When I saw all those ponies get hurt, I didn't know what to do."

"What did you do?!?"

"I sat in a corner and cried. At least, until I saw my sister get up and try to fight."

"Oh yeah, her! She's your best friend right?"

"She was, and still is. Back then, she was only a little filly at a time. Standing between an old, long bearded wizard and a stallion who had gone mad with dark magic... When I saw her do that, something just broke inside me."

...

"Did Twilight ever tell you how she got her cutie mark?"

"Yeah! She was taking an exam to get into that fancy schamny unicorn school the princess made. When she couldn't hatch the egg, she totally freaked out."

"She didn't just freak out, she had a magical surge. Luckily, all her magic was directed towards hatching and growing a baby dragon. When I saw my sister in danger, I also had a surge, but..."

"What happened?"

"Imagine Scootaloo, you were full of immense power, and you directed all that power towards making a pony go away by any means necessary. I don't remember the details to be honest, but there was a lot of screaming."

...

"The next thing I remember... The bad pony was gone, my sister was crying in my arms, and I had a cutie mark. The crazy stallion broke out, again, and I had to seal him away, again, but that's a story for another time."

"Wow... what did your cutie mark mean?"

"Well, I didn't really know at the moment, I thought it just meant I had a special connection with light based magic, and I was right. It also meant though that I loved watching over and protecting others."

"Wooooow... that's so cool! You're like a guard pony!"

"Well, not exactly. Besides, with the Princess of Friendship around, it's not like ponies really need me to protect them anyway..."

"I wish I could have a cutie mark like yours."

"Careful what you wish for kid."

So long, and Thanks for all the Nonsense.

Nopony awoke.

"Mmm..." he growled, reaching out for Scootaloo.

After finding his small orange chicken, he wrapped her in a hug and went back to snoozing.

"Hey!" Scootaloo whined.

"Mmm?" Nopony mumbled.

"I was doing something over here, lemme go!"

"Doing something?... Kid, there's a full blown hurricane out there, stay inside the box."

"Yeah, I know! Rainbow's doing her super special secret stunts in the thunder!" Scootaloo squee'd.

"Really." Nopony said in a flat tone as he adjusted himself.

Nopony held a wing over Scootaloo to keep her dry. Of course, he was getting soaked, but his... special constitution made the rain nothing to him. It was still a little annoying, but he could live with that.

"Where is she?" Nopony squinted at the storm.

"Right up there!" Scootaloo pointed. "Wanna borrow my binoculars?"

"Where did you find those?"

"Well, it was a rainy day and I was super hungry, hadn't eaten since yesterday morning. I was grumbling to myself when I found five bits on the ground!"

"...You bought binoculars."

"Rainbow Dash ain't gonna watch herself!"

Nopony sighed, "kid, knowing her, I think she's found a way to do that."

"Shhh! She's starting to do tricks again."

The two quietly sat in the rain together.

"Hey kid, what's your favorite thing to do?" Nopony spoke up.

"Hmm..." Scootaloo scratched her chin, "I don't know! I really love playing around on my scooter, but, I like hanging out with my friends more I think."

"Hey, nothing wrong with that." Nopony smiled.

"Well, getting a new friend recently made life a lot more awesome, you know?"

Nopony chuckled as Scootaloo snuggled in closer to him.

"It's a shame you're such a loser." Scootaloo murmured.

"Woah, what?" Nopony frowned at her. "Where did that come from?"

"Well, I'm your only friend right? Besides your sister!" Scootaloo grinned.

"Yeah, guess you're right kid." Nopony stretched.

Scootaloo watched as Nopony released a powerful, loud yawn. She moved out of the way as he rose to his hooves and trotted out of the box.

"Well kid, it's been real, but I think it's time for me to hit the dusty ol' trail." Nopony said.

"What?" Scootaloo blinked. "H- hey, wait!"

"Hmm?" Nopony turned back.

"Is this because I called you a loser?" Scootaloo started to shake. "I- I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it, please don't leave!"

Nopony sighed.

"Kid... Look, I had to leave today no matter what, okay? You didn't do anything wrong, I just gotta get back to my job now."

"Please don't leave..." Scootaloo whispered.

"Come on kid, don't make this hard."

"Please don't leave your majesty!"

...

"Well..." Nopony wrapped himself in a golden aura. "No point in hiding it huh?"

One second there was Nopony, the next, Celestia.

"Please don't leave me Princess..." Scootaloo squeezed her leg.

"Scootaloo, look at me." A royal voice said gently.

After sniffling a couple more times, Scootaloo shyly peaked up at her.

"Just because I'm not always here, doesn't mean we're not friends."

"That's just a nice way of saying you're leaving and not coming back!"

"Scootaloo..." Celestia frowned.

...

"Scootaloo, it's time for me to go."

Celestia gently picked up her up, and sat her down inside the box.

"We'll meet again. Goodbye, my little-"

"I was right." Scootaloo cut her off.

Celestia stopped, confused.

"You do seem nice at first, and then end up being really disappointing!"

...

Celestia said nothing as she teleported away.

It may be for the Weak, but you should really have one.

Scootaloo shivered. Ponyville's winter was colder than it was last year and she didn't have No-

...She didn't have a blanket to keep her warm. She could tough it out though. She was cool, she's laid back, she could shrug it off like it was no big deal. Stuff like this didn't get to her. She was just like No-

Rainbow Dash, she was just like Rainbow.

"Stupid idiot could have waited till spring..." Scootaloo grumbled.

A bright flash made Scootaloo cover her eyes. Shaking her head, Scootaloo looked around and saw... a note and a key.

1337 Cat Horsie Lane

That sounds like a place all the cool little orange chickens would hang out at.

-Nopony Special.

Frowning, Scootaloo got up and started making her way uptown. She knew the lane since it was close by to where Sweetiebelle lived, but she never been to that street before.

Before her stood a small and modest, but somewhat high class house. Upon knocking nopony answered. Scootaloo glanced at her note one more time, and tried unlocking the front door with the key.

It worked.

Inside was a well furnished house, one that would incline that somepony lived here, yet nopony was in sight.

Nopony wasn't in sight either.

"Hello? Anypony home?" Scootaloo called out.

With nopony answering, Scootaloo decided to wander in. The living room had a lit fireplace with a tray of cookies and milk put on a table. Next to that was another note.

Hey loser, guess who has enough money laying around that I can just buy a house whenever I feel like it?

Go into the hallway on your left and check the room on your right.

-That disappointing princess who has a sun on her butt.

"The hay is she up to?.." Scootaloo scowled as she did what the note said.

The room before her had a name plate, with the letters on it colored bright orange.

SCOOTALOO

"No way..." She whispered.

Opening the door, she found a room any self respecting 12 year old filly would love. The bed in the right back hand corner had a wonderbolt themed blanket and pillows. In the other corner was a tool kit for fixing up scooters. To the left of Scootaloo was a TV and a few of the more recent gaming systems. On her right was a vanity that she was certain she'd never make use of. The walls were painted baby blue with little clouds scattered about.

It was coolest room she'd ever seen.

It was her room.

Scootaloo started to cry.

"Hey kiddo." A voice called out from behind her.

"Nopony?.." She sniffed.

Behind her stood Nopony, but instead of his unkempt usual self, he looked as if he just visited a spa. Scootaloo had just hit puberty, but even she could tell Nopony was a very handsome stallion.

That's not very surprising considering who he really was.

"The fridge will magically get restocked every time you empty it." Nopony looked around the room with casual disinterest. "And by that, I mean somepony or I will sneak in and refill it without you noticing. If you ever need me, the door to the master bedroom leads to my closet door back at the castle. Please don't prank me during court hours. So what do you think of the room?"

"THANK YOU!" Scootaloo tackled him with a hug. "Thank you thank you thank you..."

Nopony smiled. "I told ya we'd meet again, remember?"

"You're a jerk for leaving me like that!" Scootaloo cried.

"Yeah yeah, I know," Nopony hugged her back.

Nopony waited quietly as Scootaloo cried into his stomach.

"Why?" Scootaloo looked up at him.

"Why? Well..." Nopony scratched his chin. "One time there were these two homeless fillies. The younger one stood between Sombra and Starswirl the Bearded when the older one was too scared to move. When all was said and done, the only thing the older one could think of was how proud of her little sister she was. Right then, she realized:

"No matter who I become, I will never lose the passion I have in my heart when I watch my little ponies grow. I don't know who I want to be, but I know that I want to spend the rest of my life helping others be the best ponies they can be."

~The End~

Author's Note

This was just gonna be a short little story that I would spread out over the week. Now I'm considering tossing a chapter in whenever one comes to mind. Regardless, this was fun. I really love character central stories and minimalism. So trying to get the most bang for my buck out of two goofy idiots sitting in a cardboard box was both challenging and rewarding.

The idea of Celestia taking the form of a simple pony and screwing with the cast can go so many more places. I might make an indirect sequel using Nopony in some way.

When you think about it, we're all half Centuar.

"Hey Scootaloo."

"Yeah Sweetiebelle?"

"Where's Princess Celestia?"

"Dumpster diving."

"Why is Princess Celestia dumpster diving?" Sweetiebelle scrunched up her nose.

"The same reason she's living with me in a cardboard box." Scootaloo shrugged.

Sweetiebelle blinked.

"Oh hey! Here she comes!"

The two watched as Nopony trotted back with a spring in his step. He was completely covered in garbage.

"Yeah uh..." Sweetiebelle got up. "I'll see you later."

"Bye Sweets."

Sweetiebelle waved goodbye to Scootaloo as Nopony walked by.

"Hey Nopony."

"Hey Sweetie." He nodded towards her. "Yo kid, check out what I found!"

"What?" Scootaloo got up from her spot.

Nopony proudly presented a D20.

"What." Scootaloo frowned.

"Hey, don't give me that look!"

"You went dumpster diving for a stupid die?"

"One pony's trash is another's treasure~" Nopony sang, "besides, these things are really fun!"

"Nopony, it's a dumb little piece of plastic with numbers on it."

"Come on, gimme a chance here."

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Alright, whatever..."

Nopony sat down next to Scootaloo and stared at her very seriously.

"...What?" Scootaloo looked nervous.

Nopony rolled the die.

1

"You have the mental composure of bucket of fried oats put next to a 400 pound pony. Your try to force your eyes shut, but it cannot stop the visions. You realized that cats are a 4th dimensional creature that can move through space and time at will, and we can only see them in the third dimension. That's the reason they never really seem to care about anything ever. It doesn't really change your life, but you're still full of the heebie jeebies. "

Scootaloo stopped to process that.

She failed.

"What." she finally said.

"Rolling for sanity loss." Nopony responded.

1

"You are just absolutely losing it." Nopony said in a theatrical tone "You start running through the town in a panic, screaming about cats and fat ponies. Everypony assumes it's a monster attack and start to collectively soil themselves."

"What."

"Rainbow dashes up to you and asks what's wrong."

"Wait, what?!? U- uhhh, tell her everything's fine!"

20

"Time slows down as you brush your mane out of your face. An explosion goes off in the background behind you, blowing up at least three buildings. Your teeth literally sparkle so hard Twilight is feeling inadequate about her last name. You turn your head towards Rainbow and fix her a cool smile. Rainbow Dash is so blown away, she is literally blown away by the explosion, as is everypony else except you. A forcefield made of your suave looks surrounds you, keeping you completely safe."

"Woah." Scootaloo stared at Nopony in awe. "Roll to trot away like I just don't care."

1

"You land and impale yourself on a skateboard." Nopony said with a straight face.

"Ah! Roll for damage control!"

20

"You are completely unharmed."

"What is with this die?!?"

"In fact, you are at complete peace with the skateboard. You two have practically become one."

"I- I don't know how to feel about that." Scootaloo stuttered.

"Rolling to see how you feel about that!" Nopony grinned.

20

"You have formed a unbreakable bond with the skateboard, its name is Radical Rex."

"What."

"Radical Rex has joined your party!"

...

"What." Scootaloo repeated.

"Radical Rex begs you for help." Nopony continued, "Applebloom has been possessed by the spirit of Nightmare Moon. Only you can save her."

"Wha- ugh, screw it. Alright, go to find Applebloom."

"You find her sitting in a cardboard box with Princess Celestia."

Scootaloo glared at Nopony.

"What?" Nopony rolled around the dice in his hoof.

"Alright, whatever. What's Celestia doing?"

"Snoring in a box, you've never seen her in such a undignified manner."

"I see that crap every day."

"What?"

"Nothing, so what's Applebloom doing?"

"She yells 'You're bloomin' for a doomin' and makes rude gestures."

"Well I tell her she's scootin' for a bootin'!"

"Radical Rex high fives you."

"With... with wha-ahhh nevermind. Attempt to attack Appledoom."

1

"You go to sucker punch her in the stomach, but instead slowly caress it."

"Woah, what?!?"

"Appledoom attacks!"

1

"Appledoom tried to slam down on your back, but instead gently massages it. Both of you are getting incredibly uncomfortable. Radical Rex asks if he should leave."

"No, he can't leave! Tell him to attack!"

1

"Radical Rex shoots you in the back of the head."

...

"With what?!?" Scootaloo screams.

"With his bow, of course, he's multi classing archer and rogue."

"I- Bu- Uh- Ahhhhgh!" Scootaloo's eye started to twitch.

"That was a good session." Nopony smiled.

"What the heck just happened?" Sweetiebelle said.

Both of them looked outside the cardboard box to where Sweetiebelle was.

"How long have you been there?" Nopony frowned.

"The whole time. What was that?" Sweetiebelle frowned in concern. "That was weird, you guys are weird."

Scootaloo's eye was still twitching.

"Is this what you guys do all day?" Sweetie asked.

"Pretty much yeah." Nopony shrugged.

"Ooooookay then... I'm going home."

Nopony watched Sweetie leave as Scootaloo twitched in place for the next ten minutes.

"That was the stupidest game I have ever played," Scootaloo calmly spoke up. "Now hand me that die, I wanna play again."

Pop Quiz

Scootaloo absentmindedly flipped through a children's Royal Pony Coloring Book she found in the trash earlier. The book had nothing but discolored pictures of Celestia and Luna. Occasionally it would have an extremely easy questionnaire in the corner of the page. With nothing more stimulating to do at the moment, she doodled on some of the mostly uncolored pictures and answered the questions.

When day comes to play, Princess Luna makes the ____ go away:

A) Sun

B) Night

C) Princess

D) Candy

Scootaloo frowned. "She did all of these things! Ugh, whatever, next question..."

This one is easy! Does Princess Celestia live in Canterlot, or Ponyville?

"...Next question."

Princess Celestia is my _____

A) Princess

B) Older Sibling

C) Friend

D) Father

Scootaloo broke into a nervous sweat.

Mother's Day

Author's Note

This takes place after Scootaloo gets her house.

Mother's Day

Scootaloo and Celestia stared at the empty space in front of them while sitting at a table.

Scootaloo slowly got out of her chair and brushed up against Celestia.

Celestia slightly leaned away from it.

Scootaloo leaned in closer towards Celestia until it looked like Celestia was laying on her side and Scootaloo was on top of her.

Celestia stared at the ceiling while Scootaloo huffed.

Scootaloo slowly wrapped her hooves around Celestia, who squirmed in response.

The two sat like that for a couple minutes.

Scootaloo gave Celestia an exasperated look.

Celestia very, very slowly raised a hoof and wrapped it around Scootaloo's shoulder, refusing to look away from the ceiling.

The two sorta hugged for a moment.

Celestia let her hoof go limp and lay there.

Scootaloo sighed and sat back down at the table.

Celestia quietly joined her.

"Was it really that bad?" Scootaloo asked.

Celestia remained quiet.

"Whatever," Scootaloo rolled her eyes, "happy Mother's day Mo-"

Celestia flipped over the table.

Parental Authority

Author's Note

This takes place after Scootaloo gets a home.

Parental Authority

"I'm gonna play some games in my room for a bit." Scootaloo shrugged off her backpack.

"Is your homework finished?" Nopony asked.

"Well no, but it's only a little bit."

"Do your homework first."

"Awww, come on, I just got home! Can't I play around a bit first?"

"Go ask your Mother."

...

"Hey Mom, can I-"

"No."

Making Scootaloo chocolate pudding.

Nopony yawned and peeked out of the box, it was raining. Next to him was Scootaloo shivering. He pulled her in close with his wing.

"What were you doing out in the rain?" He asked.

"I wasn't, I'm sick." Scootaloo sniffed.

"Oh, that's unfortunate."

Nopony got up, and started trotting out into the rain.

"Hey, where are you going?!" Scootaloo yelled.

She watched as he walked out of the alleyway, 5 minutes later, he was still gone.

"Stupid garbage swan..." Scootaloo muttered.

Scootaloo turned over and tried to go back to sleep. Ten minutes later, she felt something lift her up. Nopony laid her head against a pillow and draped a blanket over her.

"So I was going to get you chicken soup." Nopony ruffled through a bag.

Scootaloo glared at him.

"So I did," Nopony said as he put down a can of soup.

Scootaloo stared at the can of chicken soup.

"I hate you."

"That's just the illness talking, I would say it's the hunger talking, but you're always hungry. Anyway, I also got you lentil soup and some cold medicine."

"Is that the kind you dissolve in a glass of water?"

"Yeah."

"Where are you going to get a glass, let alone water right now?"

Nopony looked around him, his eyes stopping on the can of chicken soup, he opened and dumped it out in the alleyway and left it in the rain to fill full of water.

"You're giving me cold medicine in a can of chicken soup?" Scootaloo whined.

"Hey, whatever works."

"Ugh, fine... Alright wise guy, what are you gonna do to heat up the lentil?"

Nopony stared at the lentil soup, and then back at Scootaloo. Without saying a word he grabbed the soup and walked out of the alleyway. Taking his time, he slowly trotted over to Twilight's castle and walked in without knocking. Nopony made his way into the library.

"What the- who are you?" Twilight frowned as a dirty stallion walked past her.

"Hey, I'm gonna borrow these real quick." Nopony started grabbing Twilight's favorite romance novels off her personal shelf.

"What? No! Who are you, why are you here?!"

Nopony set them down on the floor in front of her. He stood up on his hind legs, grabbed his member, and started peeing on her books.

Twilight watched in horror.

"There we go." Nopony shook out what was left. "You can have em back now."

"Wh... ah... aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!"

Nopony watched as Twilight's mane and tail caught on fire. Quickly, he stuck the lentil soup in her mane for a second.

"YOU," She screamed, "HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING YOU MONSTER! I'LL- HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! COME BACK! YOU CAN'T JUST..."

Nopony passed by Spike on his way to the kitchen.

"Hey Spike, Twilight needs you to clean up some books that got peed on in her private library."

"Again?!" Spike threw his arms up in defeat.

Nopony walked into the kitchen and grabbed one of Twilight's bowls, he dumped the piping hot soup into it. When he turned around Twilight stood in the doorway, with her mane still on fire.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" She screamed.

Nopony trotted over to Twilight, swept her off her hooves, and kissed her.

"Twilight... Will you marry me?" Nopony stared deep into her eyes.

"I... buh... wuh..." Twilight stuttered.

Nopony dropped her on the floor, picked up the bowl of lentil with his wings, and trotted out of the kitchen.

Holding the soup close so it wouldn't get rained on, he trotted out of the castle and back to his alleyway. He gave a slight nod of approval when he saw that Scootaloo drank her medicine.

Scootaloo frowned when she saw the bowl of warm soup.

"How did you do that," she asked, "and why is your hoof all burnt up?"

"I took a piss."

...

"Did you pee into this bowl of soup?" Scootaloo accused.

"Maybe." Nopony shrugged.

...

"Just gimme the stupid soup." Scootaloo sighed.

Scootaloo woke up feeling a lot better. She turned her body sideways and snuggled in closer to Nopony. Absentmindedly, she glanced at her pillow.

It had a pillow sheet decorated with chickens.

"Oh come on!"

Dark is probably not evil.

"So is darkness evil?"

"Huh?" Nopony roused from his nap.

"So Princess Luna is the goddess of the night, right?" Scootaloo continued.

"More like god-dense, am I right?"

"..."

"Sorry, go on."

"So she's a nocturnal alicorn." Scootaloo huffed.

"Yes, she is indeed a night owl, or so they say."

"Does that make her the evil alicorn?"

"Of course not, what makes you say that?"

"Well, she did try to bring about eternal night, which would cause everything to freeze over and kill everypony." Scootaloo said with a casual roll of her eyes.

"That is a dark and morbid insight for a young teenage filly to casually state." Nopony responded.

"I made a plan to kill Princess Celestia in a way that would bring Luna to suicidal depression, which involved brutally murdering my best friends."

"Fair enough," Nopony chuckled, "I'm still proud of you for that, in a slightly concerned sort of way."

Scootaloo smiled from the praise.

Nopony cleared his throat, "anyway, no, Luna has dun goofed and almost committed genocide, but she's not evil."

"What the heck is your definition of evil then?"

"Discord used to be very evil, for starters." Nopony said, sounding surprisingly serious for once.

"Did he ever kill anypony?"

"Well, no, but he did cause a lot of mayhem."

"Who else?"

"Tirek, Chrysalis, The Sirens, take your pick."

"Did they ever kill anypony?"

"Of course..." Nopony trailed off, "Huh, actually, I don't think they did. Tirek stole magic, Chrysalis hypnotized ponies, and the Sirens caused internal strife, but nopony was ever killed."

"So, in other words, anything that annoys you is evil."

"Scootaloo, please," Nopony scoffed.

"Well, what is your definition of evil?"

"Those who spread chaos."

"So those who annoy you."

Nopony and Scootaloo stared at each other for a second.

"What was your original point again?" Nopony asked.

"Oh yeah! Is darkness evil? And because darkness is evil, is Luna evil?"

"Well, the idea that darkness is evil is flat out silly Scootaloo."

"We have a forbidden evil magic called Dark Magic."

"That... is a good point, but that doesn't mean-"

"We celebrate a holiday about a spirit coming from the night to gobble us up unless we give it candy."

"Look, I w- Celestia was feeling really bitter over her spat with Luna, and-"

"Celestia, Twilight, and Cadence are the princesses of the Sun, Friendship, and Love. We have three holidays, Summer Sun Celebration, Hearth's Warming Eve, and Hearts and Hooves day, which are all holidays where we spend time loving and appreciating good things in our lives. Luna's is the only one where ponies fear her."

"Are you done yet?"

"Is Twilight Santa Claws?"

"What?"

"Well Twilight is the Princess of Friendship, and Hearth's Warming Eve is a holiday where we remember the importance of friendship. So since that's technically her holiday, would that make her Santa Claws?"

Nopony stopped to think about that.

"Should we tell her that?" Scootaloo asked.

"And have her break into everypony's homes to force educational lectures onto little colts and fillies?" Nopony shot back.

Scootaloo shuddered.

"Anyway, getting back to the point, again, Luna is not evil." Nopony insisted.

"Are you sure?"

"Look, the spirit of harmony provides the lyrics we sing whenever everypony goes crazy and feels the need to do a musical. Can you think of a moment where somepony has sung about darkness being evil?"

Scootaloo stopped to think about that.

"No, not really."

"Well, there ya go." Nopony laid back down to sleep.

Scootaloo shrugged and buried herself under his wing. After getting comfortable, she started drawing on a coloring book she found in the trash.

We're here to let you know~

That we won't let it go~

Our music is a bomb and it's about to blow~!

And you can try to fight~

Be we have got the light of friendship on our side~!

Got the music in our hearts~

We're here to blow this thing apart~

And together~

We will never~

Be afraid of the dark~!

"Geez Sunset, could you think of a different tune?" Rainbow rolled her eyes. "You've been singing that song for the past two days now."

"Sorry Rainbow, it's just that something about that song really bugs me."

Applejack reached over their cafeteria table to put a comforting hand on Sunset's shoulder.

"What's been leaving your behind so sore sugarcube?"

"Well, the spi-"

Sunset stopped to think about what Applejack just said to her, then shook her head.

"Well, the spirit of harmony usually comes and provides lyrics for us when we sing, right?" Sunset asked.

The other six stared at her.

"Right, forgot you girls don't know about that. Well, usually the spirit of harmony provides lyrics if we have none. Fluttershy, was anything I sung with you girls part of your song?"

"No, I just thought we did a really good job ad-libbing. Well, I thought it was good..." Fluttershy trailed off.

"We could have I guess, but it probably was the spirit of harmony. Which kinda concerns me."

"What was wrong with the song? I thought it was super duper awesome!" Pinkie cheered.

"It was awesome, it's just that the song was made from what makes us, well, us."

"So?" Rainbow raised an eyebrow.

"Did any of you girls noticed how often we mentioned blowing stuff up in that song?"

Rarity broke out into a nervous sweat.

Putting in the token effort.

Author's Note

Takes place after Scootaloo gets a home.

Putting in the token effort.

"I still can't see it."

"See what?"

"You as Celestia, I mean, how could you be Celestia?"

"Would you like me to transform back?"

"Oh come on, you know what I mean."

"Scootaloo, I like to relax and play practical jokes on others. I just do what I do because I happened to be the most responsible and concerned pony in the room at the time."

"So you're the princess because nopony else is the princess?"

"Yes."

"I can't really see that."

"So, you wake up one morning."

"Okay."

"Everything's good, everything's fine, you go out and you grab the newspaper."

"I don't read the newspaper, but alright."

"Turns out they discontinued the color brown."

"...What?"

"Color brown, no longer using it. No longer allowed."

"So uh, what about naturally brown stuff?"

"Comes out in shades of gray."

"You know, I could totally see all the rich snobby Canterlot ponies spending a million bits over authentic brown poop. I can see it now, brown wrapper that was thrown off the side of a ship found at the bottom of the sea, they spend a million bits to try and recover it..."

"Dirt stains on clothing is only worn by the highest social class."

"You just want an excuse to look dirty all the time don't you?"

"Worms are hunted to extinction because they eat brown dirt and poop out gray dirt. Farms are destroyed and the planet is ruined because everypony is hording dirt."

"I don't think anypony is that crazy."

"Turns out an undiscovered pony civilization used brown paint for rituals and ceremonies. They're completely killed off out of frustration by the rest of the world."

"What does this have to do with you being Celestia again?"

"Okay, so new scenario."

Sigh

"You wake up, and everypony in Ponyville is like a balloon, where they float off into the air and eventually pop."

"What."

"They float off really slowly, so you could go around town pulling them back down all day if you want. Do you?"

"Well, yeah."

"You wake up the next morning and it's the exact same thing, all slowly floating off, what do you do?"

"Nopony, this is stupid."

"You wake up the next morning and Sweetie Belle and Applebloom are dead."

...

"Back then, the tribes were united but not at peace with each other. They squabbled over the silliest things. I had a way with words though, and I could usually stop anypony from doing something rash. But it was something I had to do everything single day. One day I grew tired of it and said they could work out their own issues. The next day a lot of ponies I knew since they were born were dead."

...

"What did you do?"

"Helped them out until I was too frustrated, and woke up the day after to a lot of dead ponies, again."

...

"Eventually, things calmed down enough that I could go off and have time to myself without everything falling apart."

"What happened then?"

"Discord discontinued the color brown."

...

"I'm sorry."

"Don't sweat it kid, I'm fine."

"...So, I can see why you were the way you were back then, but why are you doing all of... 'this' now?"

"Oh, that's easy. With the addition of a certain purple alicorn, I'm not the most responsible, concerned pony in the room anymore, am I?"

Twilight tries to trick Nopony into dating her. (NoponyxTwilight chapter.)

She failed.

No homeless stallions allowed.

Author's Note

This takes place after Scootaloo gets a home.

No homeless stallions allowed.

Nopony and Scootaloo walked inside the recently made library.

"Hey, I heard this place was also a bookstore?" Nopony called out, not seeing a store clerk around.

"Sorry about that, How can I..." The Store Clerk came out from a back door and stopped when she saw Nopony.

"Is there a problem miss?" Nopony asked.

The Store Clerk pointed towards a poster with Nopony inside a prohabition sign.

"How did you get yourself banned from a bookstore?" Scootaloo asked.

Nopony shrugged.

"Look miss, I'm just trying to buy a new schoolbook for this kid here."

"Is she your daughter?" The store clerk raised an eyebrow.

"No."

"Niece?"

"No."

"Daughter of a friend of yours?"

"No."

"Why are you trying to buy some random child a schoolbook?"

...

"Yeah, so I would like a new 8th grade math book please." Nopony continued on.

"Really feeling the love here." Scootaloo grumbled.

"Do you want a new book or not?" Nopony retorted.

"I don't, I hate math."

"No child growing up in my household is going to skip out on how to do math."

"So she is your daughter?" The clerk once again asked.

"Not really." Nopony once again shrugged.

"Not really? How... Ugh, look, I appreciate that you're trying to make sure this child has her schoolbook, but Princess Twilight Sparkle has banned you from entering the library and her castle."

"Why is he banned from being around books and her castle?" Scootaloo asked.

"Apparently this... gentlestallion peed on books in her personal library."

"That's absolutely ridiculous," Nopony scoffed, "why would I walk into the Princess' castle and pee on her books?"

"I don't know sir, you tell me." The Clerk gave a tired sigh. "Alright, just return to me the original book in whatever condition it was in and I'll see about getting you a discount on the new one."

"Yeah, I can't really do that." Nopony said.

"Why not?" The Clerk rolled his eyes.

"Her math book got peed on by somepony."

The Clerk and Nopony stared at each other.

"Get out." The Clerk pointed towards the exit.

"Please, can we just get a new book?" Nopony rubbed his temples.

"No."

"She needs it for school."

"And I need you to leave."

"Oh well, guess we can't get the new book, whaddya gonna do?" Scootaloo shot Nopony a smug grin.

PRINCESS CELESTIA OPENS SCHOOL FOR GIFTED PEGASI IN PONYVILLE:

Many ponies question the logic behind the school opening in Ponyville instead of Cloudsdale. The Princess promptly responded that Cloudsdale already has a flight school perfectly adequate for pegasi foals. Princess Twilight Sparkle was more than thrilled to have this insitution made, and agreed with Princess Celestia's decision to hold a raffle for scholarships. The following lucky pegasi shall attend this brand new school for free: Rumble, Featherweight, Zipporwhill, Scootaloo, Cyan Skies, Babs Seed, and Dumb Luck. Despite showing an excellent curriculum for any growing pegasus foal, many questioned why it taught up to college math level. Princess Twilight Sparkle fully approved...

Double sided Scootaloo body pillows, now on sale for $49.99.

Author's Note

This takes place after Scootaloo gets a home.
(Although I doubt you need much help to work that out.)

Double sided Scootaloo body pillows, now on sale for $49.99.

Celestia woke up and stretched, getting far better sleep than she had in months. Her body pillow felt perfect compared to last night. She looked down and saw Scootaloo.

"That's not a body pillow." Celestia frowned, pulling Scootaloo in closer.

"No, I'm not," Scootaloo snarked, "you brought me here, remember?"

"Not in the slightest."

"You sucessfully animate the bones of the slave you just killed." Apple Bloom passed a character sheet over to Scootaloo. "The bony hoof of the small undead child raises to salute you."

"Sweet, I make it put on the red dress I bought." Scootaloo started writing down numbers for the skeleton's stats.

"Why are you making your skeleton wear a dress?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Just because it's a skeleton doesn't mean it's not allowed to dress nice."

"Are you living out your desires to look pretty through a necromancer?" Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, it's my skeleton, not me. If I want my little girl to look pretty, I'm allowed to do that." Scootaloo huffed.

"Oh, okay." Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. "You're fufilling your desire to be a mom through a necromancer, that's not concerning at all."

The wall of Scootaloo's living room busted open as a sleepwalking Celestia shambled through. All three girls screamed as Celestia blew up the table they were gathered around using a blast of magic. With no obstacles left in her way, she grabbed Scootaloo.

"Ah! What in tarnation?!" Apple Bloom recoiled back.

"It's abducting Scootaloo!" Sweetie Belle screamed.

"Help me!" Scootaloo called out.

"Th- that's the Princess Sweetie, she's not an it!" Apple Bloom stammered.

"Who cares, she's crazy and abducting our friend!" Sweetie Belle retorted.

"Why aren't you two helping me?!" Scootaloo grabbed onto the couch, only to have her and the couch get dragged along effortlessly by Celestia.

"You can't call the Princess crazy Sweetie Belle," Applebloom scowled, "besides, it's Celestia, she's anything but crazy!"

"Where have you been for the past year?!" Sweetie Belle yelled.

"Tell my family I love them!" Scootaloo yelled as Celestia dragged her through the hole in the wall.

"You don't have a family!" Sweetie Belle yelled back.

"I meant my skeleton you jacka-"

"So I abducted you from your home during game night and used you as a pillow." Celestia yawned.

"You say it so shamelessly." Scootaloo sneered.

"Well then..."

Scootaloo watched as Celestia got out of bed, trotted out to her balcony, and raised the sun. Smiling, she trotted back to the bed, climbed in, and wrapped her hooves around Scootaloo."

"What the- hey!" Scootaloo complained. "Are you just going back to sleep?!"

Celestia lit her horn and opened a door, leading to a room full of scrolls. She lifted one up in her magic and set fire to it.

"Don't you have a country to run?"

"Shhhhhut up..." Celestia gently whispered.

Scootaloo quietly laid there until she heard snoring from Celestia.

"Oh come on!"

...

"I really have to pee..." Scootaloo whimpered.

Celestia's assistant Raven went about her morning routine in the castle, up until a flame dropped a scroll at her hooves. She picked it up and unrolled it.

Raven,

Catching up on sleep, you're in charge for the day. Abuse your power only how I would.

Celestia.

"Yes!" Raven did a hoof-pump.

"Ms. Raven?" One of the servants nervously spoke up.

"Miss Whipped Cream, Princess Celestia seems to have found a cure for her insomnia, I will be in charge for the day. Tell the Day Court that things have been suspended for two hours due to vital matters concerning the safety of Equestria. Have some of the servants prepare a family sized platter of mashed potatoes with gravy, using at least two pounds of butter, and bring it to the hot springs. Also, have that cute stallion in the royal guard deliver it to me, the one named Stainless Steel."

"Y- yes ma'am!" The servant bowed before turning to leave.

Raven cackled gleefully as she trotted off to the hot springs.

"And that's how we lost Scootaloo." Sweetie Belle said to Applejack and Rarity.

Both of them stared at the hole in the side of Scootaloo's house, then at their younger siblings.

"What," they said in unison.

Celestia's brain.

"...Hey Nopony?" Scootaloo quietly spoke up.

"Hmm?" Nopony made himself more comfortable.

"...I never knew who my Mom was, but... do you think my Dad would be proud of me, if he was still around? I mean, with me living in this box and all?.."

"WOOOOOOOOOAH!" Celestia's Anxiety recoiled. "NO, NO NO NO! SUNSET SHIMMER WAS MORE THAN ENOUGH, WE DON'T NEED THIS!"

"Summer of piglets." Celestia's Panic rocked back and forth in a corner. "Summer of piglets."

Celestia's Poker Face walked up to the monitor that controlled Celestia's actions and had her make a perfect gentle smile, with a touch of sympathy on her face.

"It's okay," Celestia's humor spoke up, "I got this!"

Humor went up the chalkboard and wrote down a suggestion for what Celestia should say.

"Well Scootaloo, considering you're too scared to admit you should live at the orphanage, I imagine your Father would find you rather chicke"

Humor was knocked to the ground and beaten mercilessly by Celestia's Kindness, Tact, and Anxiety.

"HUG THAT FILLY, HUG HER RIGHT NOW!" Celestia's Sympathy cried out.

"No, you idiot!" Tact smacked the back of Sympathy's head. "Scootaloo would find that weird, we have a reputation for being caring, but aloof and teasing! We need to do this in a cool manner!"

"How about we kiss her?" Celestia's Lewdness spoke up.

"Who let her out," Tact accused, "we put you in prison for a reason!"

"Hey, after a couple millennia, I pretty much got tired of even the weirdest stuff, including this. I'll take what I can get though."

"Somebody get Restraint, quick!" Panic yelled.

Poker Face calmly pointed over to three gravestones, labeled 'Restraint,' 'Dignity,' and 'Pride.'

"Quick, everypony throw her back in jail, I'm not letting her ruin this!"

"I have not gotten any action, in the past 273 years!" Lewdness' eye twitch. "We are going to hit on that gimp little chicken, or I'm setting everything on fire right now!"

"Did somepony say fire?!" Celestia's Pyromania grinned.

"Somepony stop those lunatics!" Anxiety wailed.

"Summer of piglets." Panic sobbed, still in the fetal position.

"Burn!" Lewdness screamed. "BURN!!"

Scootaloo waited as the awkward silence stretched out. Nopony's face, which had a gentle smile, suddenly broke out into a full rosy blush.

"Uhhhh..." Scootaloo shuffled nervously.

Pyromania struggled to the very end.

"LIVE FREE DIE HAR-"

Lewdness and Pyromania were shoved into a cardboard box, which Tact taped shut.

"Sh- should we put out these fires?.." Celestia's Doubt asked.

"There's no time, we should've answered Scootaloo who knows how long ago! We need an answer, now!" Tact ordered.

"S- Summer of piglets..."

"No Anxiety, an actual answer!" Tact huffed.

"Tell her that we love her!" Kindness insisted.

Sympathy nodded in agreement, while Tact slowly shook his head.

"Look, can we just go back to sleep?" Celestia's Apathy shrugged. "It's not like ignoring her is really all that out of character for us."

"You're the one that got us into this mess!" Tact grabbed Apathy and shook him. "We just couldn't go find our own cardboard box, could we?!"

"Do you think you could be mad later? I don't really want to deal with thi-"

"Oh my gosh she's going to follow us back to the castle..." Anxiety whispered. "She's going to insist we're her mother, and get jealous when another Alicorn just pops up out of the blue again. Unlike the last one, this one isn't going to run away. She already plotted to kill us! We're doomed, doomed!"

Anxeity started running around screaming, throwing objects and knocking over buildings.

"Oh my gosh, you all are foals!" Celestia's Irritation growled.

Anxeity picked up Irritation and tossed him at Tact, Kindess, and Sympathy. All three got knocked out cold.

A sharp object from a building broke off and went flying towards Poker Face, cutting off her left forehoof.

A small trickle of blood leaked out of Nopony's left ear.

"Nopony, are you alright?!" Scootaloo gasped.

Nopony continued to sit there wearing a gentle smile and a flushed complexion, blood trickling down the side of his face.

Lewdness and Pyromania broke out of their prison and were in a hoof fight with Panic and Irritation. Panic slowly crawled over next to Poker Face, and grabbed the microphone attached to the monitor.

"Summer of piglets." Nopony calmly said.

Scootaloo stared at Nopony in concern.

"I'm gonna go get a doctor," she responded, "you should lie back down."

Nopony slowly nodded and laid back down. He slowly started rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

"Summer of piglets..."

Author's Note

I am extremely braindead and uploading this without any second pair of eyes to examine it first seems like a bad idea.

"So?" Pickleless' Apathy spoke up.

Camera slowly zooms in on the graveyard behind him.

Don't let the bearbugs bite.

"Nopony, I can't sleep." Scootaloo whispered.

The stallion groaned.

"Could you tell me a bed time story?" she continued.

"Oh here we go..." Nopony grumbled.

"Pleeeeease?"

"Okay, okay... So, once upon a time, there was a little foal, who had a pet T-Rex."

"Why am I a T-Rex?!" Scootaloo accused.

"Okay, so first of all, you're the one who just identified with the T-Rex."

"Yeah, but obviously you would make yourself the main character of your story."

"Well yeah, but you could've been somepony else in the story."

Scootaloo sighed, "alright, whatever, keep going..."

"The foal's name was Living Legend, and the T-Rex was named Scootabooty."

"Why did I even have faith in you?"

"Do you want a bed time story or not? Because complaining every time I start speaking is not winning you any points here."

"I want a good story."

"I want a good kid."

"I want a good ruler."

The two glared at each other in silence.

"You know, Luna was always my favorite princess," Scootaloo spoke up, "sometimes, I secretly wish she won that fight a thousand years ago."

"Wow really?" Nopony feigned surprise. "That's a pretty unpopular opinion, in fact, I could confidently say that just about everypony would disagree with you."

"Yeah, I guess that was stupid of me. I mean, everypony loves Celestia. Except for all those silly unicorns in court, you know, the ones that nopony takes seriously." Scootaloo narrowed her eyes. "You know, it's a little odd that nopony even knows what they complain about, in fact, it's almost as if the only information about them is their bad reputation."

"Ah, praise Celestia for having such a gentle patience with the youth of Equestria, talking about things they don't know so confidently. Why, of course the unicorns in court make very legitimate demands, like 'let's raise the taxes on farmers,' and 'let's relocate all of Cloudsdale because it blocks the sun at certain times of the day.' Very critical for the well being of our country." Nopony gave a wistful sigh.

"Oh yes, let's tax the poor farmers more, we all have heard that one. Isn't it a little weird how that's the only complaint we ever hear? It's almost as if a crooked politician of a tyrant wants us to solely focus on that matter so we'll ignore more reasonably made complaints brought to the thrones."

"Oh Scootaloo~" Nopony laughed, "look at you, just a child and yet you're already thinking about the future of our country. Cute little foals like you should be sleeping at times like this. Oh right! The story..."

Nopony cleared his throat.

"Once upon a time, there was a gallant knight, who had a pretentious, stupid squire."

"The squire was really sad, because his knight was a lazy jerk who slept in bed all day." Scootaloo continued.

"The knight was bed-ridden, because the squire would mouth off to him all day and night long, which gave him insomnia." Nopony raised his voice.

"The squire worked very hard to cure him of his disease, but nothing ever worked, because he never got the stallion the one thing he really needed! A HUGE, FROTHING GLASS OF MAN THE BUCK UP!"

"CHICKEN!"

"GARBAGE SWAN!"

"Every time I look into your eyes I vomit slightly!" Nopony growled.

"You are the reason I don't believe in the maker!" Scootaloo shot back.

"Hey Scootaloo, why did the chicken cross the road!?"

"Why?!"

"Because it can't fly!"

"Hey Nopony, why did Luna try to make the night eternal?!"

"WHY?!"

"BECAUSE SHE LOVED A GIANT FLOATING ROCK MORE THAN HER OWN SISTER!"

"YOU HAVE A NICE SMILE!"

"YOU'RE EXCEPTIONALLY HANDSOME!"

"YOU MUST BE FRIED CHICKEN, BECAUSE YOU'RE SIZZLING HOT GURL!"

Scootaloo screamed like a demon and tackled Nopony.

"I am Tyrannosaurus Scootabooty!" Scootaloo screamed as she bit into Nopony's neck.

"AUUUUUGH!"

Nopony screamed on the top of his lungs as he flailed about. He jumped out of the box and hid behind a dumpster.

"This is Fat Banana," he spoke into a empty tin can, "My whole squad has been eaten by a giant orange chicken, I am the only survivor."

"Fat Banana, this is Flaccid Pancake, please send me your coordinates." Scootaloo responded from the other side of the dumpster.

"I'm at- oh no, OH NO!" Nopony shouted.

"Fat Banana, report! Fat Banana!" Scootaloo shouted into her tin can.

"Dun dun, dun dun, dun dun, dun dun..."

"This is Flaccid Pancake, if anypony hears this, tell my wife and child the reason I'm going to die is probably because I showed off a picture of them five minutes ago."

"DUN DUN, DUN DUN, DUN DUN, DUN DUN-"

"COME ON, I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU!" Scootaloo yelled, cocking a broken lamp.

Nopony roared and leaped at Scootaloo, tackling her back into the cardboard box. His wings trailed along her stomach as he tickled her.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO," Scootaloo screamed while laughing, "I'M MEEEEEEEELTING, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"THE CHEMICAL IS WORKING, THE CREATURE WILL SOON BE NO MORE!" Nopony boomed.

Nopony tickled Scootaloo for a minute straight. Ten minutes later, she was fast asleep.

Simple necessities.

"Okay, so..." Scootaloo spoke up, "if you were stuck on an island, what would be one thing you'd take with you over anything else?"

"Twilight." Nopony answered.

"Why Twilight?"

"Because then she'd solve my problem of being stuck on an island."

"Ugh, okay, besides another pony, what would you bring with you?" Scootaloo rolled her eyes.

"You." Nopony yawned.

"I said no other ponies."

"I know, that's why I brought my chicke-"

Scootaloo punched Nopony in the gut.

"Can I get a serious answer please?!"

"Why?"

"I'm bored, come on, play along with me!" Scootaloo pouted.

"Alright alright..." Nopony sighed, "Tell you what, three guesses. It's something I wouldn't feel right traveling without."

"A gun?"

"Something that puts a roof over my head, and can make me a little money occasionally."

"A gun?"

"Something you and I both have in common." Nopony scowled.

"...A gun?" Scootaloo tilted her head.

Nopony stared at her.

"Oh, our cardboard box!" Scootaloo giggled, "that makes a lot more sense."

"Scootaloo, do you have a gun?"

"I'd bring a boat."

"Scootaloo."

"Yeah, I know, that's cheating..."

"Oh screw it, I know you don't actually have a gun." Nopony shook his head.

"Oh, I know what I would bring!" Scootaloo smiled.

"What?"

"A megaphone!"

"Why?"

"So I could scream back at seagulls!"

Nopony stopped to think about that.

"I know that look on your face..." Scootaloo rubbed her hooves in a sinister manner. "What are you plotting?"

"CAW!"

"Ah!" Twilight almost fell out of the air, looking for the source of the noise.

Scootaloo was perched on top of Sugarcube Corner staring at Twilight, looking slightly deranged.

"CAW!" Scootaloo screamed into the megaphone again.

"Why are you-"

"CAW!"

"Stop-"

"CAW!"

"Ahhh!!" Twilight covered her ears flying away.

"CAW! CAW!!"

And life goes on.

Author's Note

This chapter takes place 15 years after the rest of the story.

And life goes on.

"Hey!" Nopony waltzed into Scootaloo's home. "Where's my Godson?"

Scootaloo smiled. "Hey Nopo-"

"Yeah whatever I see you all the time. Where's the- awwwwww..."

Nopony lifted up the baby out of its cradle and cuddled it.

"What's his name?" He asked.

"Beef Wind." Scootaloo replied.

...

"Really-"

"No, not really, his name is Jolly Roger."

"Oh my gosh Scoots, your kid is gonna grow up to be a pirate."

"I know, won't that be amazing!?" Scootaloo hopped in place.

"Hey there little guy..." Nopony cooed as he held the precious bundle closer. "When your Mom was just a little filly, I found the letters she wrote to the maker, and I read them~"

"Hey!"

Scrotumdurr's Pony

Author's Note

This chapter happens at the exact same time as So long, and thanks for all the nonsense. Both may or may not exist.

Scrotumdurr's Pony

Nopony awoke.

"Mmm..." he growled, reaching out for Scootaloo.

After finding his small orange chicken, he wrapped her in a hug and went back to snoozing.

"Hey!" Scootaloo whined.

"Mmm?" Nopony mumbled.

"I was doing something over here, lemme go!"

"Doing something?... Kid, there's a full blown hurricane out there, stay inside the box."

"Yeah, I know! Rainbow's doing her super special secret stunts in the thunder!" Scootaloo squee'd.

"Really." Nopony said in a flat tone as he adjusted himself.

Nopony held a wing over Scootaloo to keep her dry. Of course, he was getting soaked, but his... special constitution made the rain nothing to him. It was still a little annoying, but he could live with that.

"Where is she?" Nopony squinted at the storm.

"Right up there!" Scootaloo pointed. "Wanna borrow my binoculars?"

"Where did you find those?"

"Well, it was a rainy day and I was super hungry, hadn't eaten since yesterday morning. I was grumbling to myself when I found five bits on the ground!"

"...You bought binoculars."

"Rainbow Dash ain't gonna watch herself!"

Nopony sighed, "kid, knowing her, I think she's found a way to do that."

"Shhh! She's starting to do tricks again."

The two quietly sat in the rain together.

"Hey kid, what's your favorite thing to do?" Nopony spoke up.

"Hmm..." Scootaloo scratched her chin, "I don't know! I really love playing around on my scooter, but, I like hanging out with my friends more I think."

"Hey, nothing wrong with that." Nopony smiled.

"Well, getting a new friend recently made life a lot more awesome, you know?"

Nopony chuckled as Scootaloo snuggled in closer to him.

"It's a shame you're such a loser." Scootaloo murmured.

"Woah, what?" Nopony frowned at her. "Where did that come from?"

"Well, I'm your only friend right? Besides your sister!" Scootaloo grinned.

"Yeah, guess you're right kid." Nopony stretched.

Scootaloo watched as Nopony released a powerful, loud yawn. She moved out of the way as he rose to his hooves and trotted out of the box.

"Well kid, it's been real, but I think it's time for me to hit the dusty ol' trail." Nopony said.

"What?" Scootaloo blinked. "H- hey, wait!"

"Hmm?" Nopony turned back.

"Is this because I called you a loser?" Scootaloo started to shake. "I- I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it, please don't leave!"

Nopony sighed.

"Kid... Look, I had to leave today no matter what, okay? You didn't do anything wrong, I just gotta get back to my job now."

"Please don't leave..." Scootaloo whispered.

"Come on kid, don't make this hard."

"Please don't leave your majesty!"

...

"So how long have you known, kid?" Nopony sighed.

"...Are you kidding? I mean, I've practically done everything but say it out loud to make it clear I knew you were Celestia!" Scootaloo complained.

"Well yeah, but I thought the unspoken rule was we weren't going to acknowledge that."

"It doesn't really matter now that you're leaving, does it?"

"Yes, but I was gonna say 'How did you know?' and you would explain how you recently figured it out, and-"

"Wait, so the unspoken rule was you pretending that I didn't know?! That is retarded."

"You're retarded!"

"YEAH WELL YOU'RE PRINCESS CELESTIA!"

Nopony covered his ears and yelled in a singsong tone, "I DIDN'T HEAR THAT~ I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING~"

"CELESTIA! TRASHLESTIA! HOBOLESTIA! GARBAGE SWAN!" Scootaloo screamed back.

"I'M GONNA BUY A HOUSE, IDIOT! AND THEN WE'LL SEE WHO'S THE GARBAGE COVERED HOBO!!"

"FINE! BUY YOUR HOUSE, I DON'T NEED YOU!!"

"I WAS GONNA BUY YOU A HOUSE, GIMP CHICKEN!!"

"THEN DO IT, LOSER!!"

"Wow, this is a really nice house." Scootaloo smiled as she looked around.

Powerful Feelings.

Scootaloo looked around with a wary, glazed look in her eye.

Nopony sat down next to her. "Hey kid."

Scootaloo blinked.

"Kid?"

"...Where am I?" She slurred.

"You're at the dentist office." Nopony said quietly.

"Huh?"

"You got your wisdom teeth taken out."

"...What? No, I'm..." Scootaloo blinked, repeatedly.

"Thirsty?" Nopony held out a glass of water.

Scootaloo took the glass of water and stared at it.

"Kid?" Nopony cocked an eyebrow.

Scootaloo continued to mindlessly stare at the glass of water.

Nopony got up from his seat. "Okay, let's-"

Scootaloo poured the glass of water on Nopony.

"Just kidding dude!" Scootaloo grinned.

"What?!" Nopony laughed, "you can't just pour water-"

"Just kidding!"

"-on somepony and-"

"Dude, just kidding!" Scootaloo poured more water on Nopony.

"Okay, okay stop!" Nopony chuckled and took the glass away from her. "Here..."

Nopony held the glass to Scootaloo lips as she drank.

"Where am I?" Scootaloo frowned.

"The dentist office?"

"What?"

"You got your wisdom teeth pulled out."

"What? No, we need to..." Scootaloo trailed off.

Nopony gently picked her up, set her on his back, and started moving.

"Thank you, Doctor." Nopony said as they passed by him.

"You're welcome, and how is our little buddy doing?" The doctor smiled at Scootaloo.

Scootaloo blinked.

"Still out of it, huh? Did she just wake up?"

"Woah hey!" Scootaloo yelled.

"Yes?" The doctor took a half step back.

"Woah, hey, you dropped something!" Scootaloo pointed towards the ground.

The doctor raised a hoof to grab whatever he dropped, only to have Scootaloo grab and shake it.

"Your standards! Hey handsome, I'm..." Scootaloo trailed off.

"Scootaloo?" Nopony cocked a brow.

"No, I'm sexy! Wait..." She frowned.

"Thank you again, Doctor." Nopony started trotting away with Scootaloo.

"Make sure she drinks lots of water!" The doctor said as they turned the corner.

Nopony made his way outside and glanced back at Scootaloo, she stared at the sky in horror.

"You okay there?"

"Huh?" Scootaloo stared at Nopony. "Where am I?"

"Outside, you got your wisdom teeth pulled out."

"What?" Scootaloo blinked. "Nopony help!"

"What's wrong?"

"Nopony!"

"What?"

"Oh maker..." Scootaloo started to wiggle around.

"Scootaloo, what's wrong?"

"Nopony, there is so much food in the world..." Scootaloo sobbed.

"Yes, yes there is. Do you want a smoothie?" Nopony smiled.

"Do you want a hoof sandwich?" Scootaloo threatened.

"No, do you want a smoothie?"

"Yes."

"Alright then." Nopony started trotting towards Golden Harvest's smoothie stand.

A minute later, Nopony hoofed over a smoothie to Scootaloo. She stared at the smoothie in amazement.

"Take slow sips from the cup's lip Scootaloo, try not to use any force in drinking." Nopony gently said.

Scootaloo dumped the smoothie on her head.

Nopony slowly clapped.

Scootaloo moaned as she rubbed the smoothie all over her head.

"Does that feel good?" Nopony asked.

"Get the hell out."

"I'll take that as a yes, another smoothie please."

After handing over a couple of bits, Nopony gave Scootaloo the second smoothie.

"One more time, ignore the straw Scoots, drink from the lip."

Scootaloo stared at the smoothie.

Nopony sighed, "I swear kid-"

Scootaloo dumped the smoothie on Nopony.

"Dammit Scootaloo."

"Just kidding dude!"

"You got me kid."

"Just kidding!"

"Really got me. Once again, another smoothie please."

"This one's on the house." Golden chuckled.

"You're in a stand you dipdo." Scootaloo wobbled.

"Manners kid, you're getting a free smoothie." Nopony started cleaning her head with a napkin.

"Manners can wait, I have things to say!"

"Like what?"

"Why can't... Why can't you just, make the sun suck less..." Scootaloo muttered.

"Mmmhmm." Nopony hummed as he wiped her cheek.

"Derpy!" Scootaloo shouted.

Derpy stopped flying and looked around.

"Oh no Derpy!" Scootaloo reached out to her.

"Scootaloo, what's wrong?!" Derpy ran over to her.

"Derpy!"

"Yes Scootaloo?"

"Derpy!"

"Uh, Scootaloo?"

"Derpy, you look like shit!"

Everypony present stared at Scootaloo.

"Derpy what's wrong with you?!" Scootaloo cried.

"I'm sorry, she got her wisdom teeth pulled out." Nopony apologized.

"What?" Derpy blinked, looking confused.

"Derpy, where am I?!" Scootaloo looked around.

"She on some pretty powerful drugs right now." Nopony explained.

"Oh." Derpy frowned.

"Derpy, you look like shit!" Scootaloo accused again.

"Okay, we're heading home. Thanks for all the smoothies." Nopony saluted the two as picked up Scootaloo and put her on his back.

"Be careful Scootaloo and sexy stranger!" Derpy waved goodbye.

"Thanks Derpy!" Nopony replied.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY MOM!" Scootaloo shouted.

Derpy and Golden quietly watched Nopony turn the corner.

"Do mares have colt parts?" Derpy asked Golden.

"No Derpy, Scootaloo's just high."

"Are you sure?"

"Why do you ask?" Golden raised a brow.

"Cause that mare did."

"You know that's actually a stallion and not a mare right? Also why are you so sure about that?"

"I was staring at them." Derpy explained, looking deep in thought.

"Derpy that's not an appropriate... here, have a smoothie, on me." Golden sighed.

Nopony opened the front door.

"Be careful getting off my back." Nopony instructed.

Scootaloo jumped off Nopony's back and slammed her face against a wall.

"Nailed the landing there." Nopony helped her get on her hooves.

"Where am I?" Scootaloo looked around.

"Home."

"Are you going to vomit in my mouth?"

"No." Nopony opened her bedroom door.

"Only vomit candy!" Scootaloo scolded.

"I promise I will only vomit candy down your throat."

"Don't vomit down Derpy's throat."

"Okay." Nopony tucked Scootaloo into her bed.

"Where are you going?"

Nopony looked back to see Scootaloo give him the biggest puppy eyes. Sighing, he turned around and got in the bed with her.

"Why is your chest fluffy?" Scootaloo asked.

"Pegasi have chest fluff."

"Why?"

"To keep them warm when they're high up in the cold air."

"Mmm." Scootaloo absentmindedly chewed on Nopony's chest fluff.

"Please don't vomit on my chest." Nopony calmly said.

"Mmm..." Scootaloo's chewing slowed down as her eyes closed.

"Uuuuugh..."

Scootaloo woke up with her mouth hurting like crazy.

"Hey there, dry throat?" Nopony walked in with a glass of water.

"Uuuuuhhh!" Scootaloo moaned as she reached out for the glass of water.

Nopony poured the glass of water on her head.

Scootaloo stared at her soaked bed, and then at Nopony.

"Why?" She rasped.

"Just kidding dude." Nopony smiled, then held out a second glass of water he was hiding behind his back.

Scootaloo quickly downed the drink.

"So," Nopony sat down on the bed next to her, "what was being drugged out of your mind like?"

Scootaloo stopped to think for a second.

"...Unbelievable sights~" Scootaloo started singing.

"INDESCRIBABLE FEEEELINGS~" Nopony joined in with her.

The monster is irrelevant

Author's Note

This takes place after Scootaloo gets a home.

I wish you all a Happy Nightmare Nightmare Nightmare Nightmare-

The monster is irrelevant

"I thought tentacles were suppose to be slimy and inappropriate for children!" Scootaloo screamed.

"Well it's still inappropriate for kids. After all, it is murdering you." Nopony shrugged

"Why aren't you helping me?!"

"So first off, we really need to have a talk about this helping thing sometime." Nopony scolded.

"Nopony." Scootaloo growled.

A large, usually homeless pegasus stallion casually pushed away the floating skull over his head and examined the unholy light coming from the center of the beast. He frowned, this wasn't any of his favorite elder gods. Nopony couldn't accept getting killed by some random ancient being he knows nothing about, that's boring, and lame. He watched Scootaloo give him the stink eye as she slightly tilted her head left to avoid a tentacle with a giant spike on the end of it, trying to impale her.

Nopony was a very tall stallion with white fur stained slightly brown due to rolling around in Twilight's Sparkle's front yard. His mane was pale heliotrope in color-

"THAT'S NOT A REAL COLOR YOU IDIOT! ALSO STOP MONOL- AH! " Scootaloo screamed as she slid down a crumbling wall, avoiding death.

"It's totally a real col-"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"It's a real-

"WHAT?"

"-TELGIP ELCISPOP ELTTIL EGNARO UOY LLITS DNATS HSOG YM HO ,SELCATNET HTIW SUTCAC DEROVALF DIALOOK DER TNAIG A EB OT EVAH TRESNI FLES YM DID YHW-"

"WHAT?" Scootaloo parroted herself.

"He called you a Popsicle."

"WHAT?"

"I said-"

"NO I HEARD YOU THAT TIME, WHAT THE HE-"

Nopony watched as the ceiling collapsed on Scootaloo.

"Thank the maker." Nopony grunted.

Nopony was known as the local bum avoided by most of Ponyville, Princess Twilight's most hated citizen, Scootaloo's weird not Dad, goddess of the sun, beloved by all of Equestria, Princess Twilight's beloved teacher, and Scootaloo's weird not Mom.

Most importantly, s/he's Scootaloo's friend.

Celestia, or rather, Nopony sighed and starting jumping over pits of lava he wasn't aware of until now.

Then he remembered he had wings.

Nopony flew over to where Scootaloo was and casually tossed a couple chunks of roof towards the monster. Under the chunks was Scootaloo hiding in a narrow niche.

"Hey Scootaloo."

"Finally, let's-"

"Hey Scootaloo."

"What?"

"Hey Scootaloo."

"...What."

"Guess how I saved you?"

"Ugh." Scootaloo rolled her eyes as she did a short hop in the air, dodging the sweeping tentacle.

"I flew over here, with my wings. You know, the thing that-"

A giant tentacle slammed Nopony into the ground, making an indent.

"Thank you." Scootaloo monotoned.

".TI NOITNEM T'NOD"

"Enough messing around, let's go!" Scootaloo poked Nopony.

No response.

"Nopony?" Scootaloo frowned, and dodged a ghost.

Nopony peed himself.

"Welp." Scootaloo stared at the majestic royal princess in defeat.

Scootaloo was a small orange avian with a purple something mane. She had two flaps on her back, and-

"Are you doing a monologue on being a chicken?" Nopony asked.

"What? No, I'm... doing a monologue." Scootaloo blinked. "Also, how are you okay?"

"What?" Nopony raised an eyebrow.

"Weren't you just..."

Scootaloo looked down to see Nopony knocked out on the ground, and Nopony- er, no-pony next to her.

"Uhh." Scootaloo frowned.

".EMIT SIHT EM T'NSAW TAHT"

"Oh right! Elder god, going crazy." Scootaloo sighed in relief.

".EREH TSENOH GNIEB"

Scootaloo grabbed the sensitive part of Nopony's wings and roughly dragged him in the opposite direction of the eldritch abomination.

"Don't worry Nopony, I'll get us to safe-"

A tentacle slapped Nopony across the room and into a wall.

Scootaloo facehoofed.

"SERIOUSLY, WE ARE IN THE BASEMENT OF MY HOUSE, WHY HASN'T ANYPONY HEARD THIS YET?!" Scootaloo screamed upwards.

"I don't know what the heck to do." Sweetie Belle shrugged.

Scootaloo looked up at the entrance to her basement. "What the- how long have you been there!?"

"The past two hours." Sweetie Belle calmly replied.

Scootaloo sighed, looked like she had to do this herself.

She was known as the local bum avoided by most of Ponyville, The first kid in class to always start making trouble, too stubborn and prideful to live with any of her friends, plucky child that wanders Canterlot Castle, The first kid in class to always end trouble when she sees it, and was forced into living in a house by the princess. At least, that's the story she tells others.

More important than all that, she's Nopony's friend.

Launching into the air, Scootaloo swung across a ceiling beam and did a perfect flip before getting knocked into a wall.

"If it makes you feel any better, you looked really cool for like two seconds." Sweetie Belle commented.

Scootaloo flinched as a tentacle was about to crush her, before a bright light shot the beast from below, rocketing out of the basement into the Ponyville streets.

"I don't think we'll set up decorations this year." Celestia sniffed, then transformed back into Nopony.

"Yeeeeah, I don't feel like getting candy anymore." Scootaloo grunted as she forced herself off the ground. "Besides, sounds like the town's a bit busy at the moment."

"AUUUUUUUUUGH!!!"

"!AMITLU 'NITSAC M'I AMITLOWS YTIGGIWS"

"Wanna just stay inside and tell scary stories?" Nopony asked.

"Okay!" Scootaloo jumped onto his back.

"NOT THE HOSPITAL!"

Nopony paused.

"...Probably two sides to this story." And trotted upstairs.

Gentle Glow

Author's Note

This chapter takes place after Scootaloo gets a home.

Gentle Glow

Scootaloo stared at the empty paper roll, and then at the broken handle on the toilet.

"Okay, don't panic." Scootaloo's eye twitched. "I'll just grab another roll."

Scootaloo looked around and remembered she was in a public restroom, that happened to be inside the Wonderbolts stadium. She was missing a show that Rainbow was performing in. Scootaloo double facehoofed... right into her dirty hooves.

Sounds of horrible indigestion came from another stall in the bathroom.

"This has to be a nightmare." Scootaloo whimpered.

"Indeed!" Luna yelled from the next stall over.

"Oh." Scootaloo blinked.

Scootaloo heard Luna flush the toilet and open her stall.

"Did you just use the restroom in my dream?"

"We had to relieve ourselves." Luna started washing her hooves.

"Aren't we both asleep, or are you actually in my head?" Scootaloo scrunched her face in confusion. "Did you actually just poop in my head? Is that gonna stay there? Am I gonna be okay?"

Scootaloo flinched as her location abruptly changed from a bathroom stall to a seat in the stadium. She was next to Rainbow, Nopony, and Spitfire, while watching Rainbow, Nopony, Spitfire, and herself performing tricks in the air.

"...So uh," Scootaloo looked around, "Luna's gone because everything's okay now, right?"

Scootaloo watched her other self do a corkscrew and tried flapping her own wings, they didn't work.

Her eye twitched.

Much to Luna's surprise, Celestia left her dreams unguarded, unlike when she sleeps at the castle. Luna grinned mischievously as she jumped into Celestia's dream.

She found herself on the side of a canterlot street. All the buildings looked as if they finished burning down, covered in dim embers. The streets had low flickering flames all over, not burning the stone walkway or anything on it. Individual pockets of flames stayed contained, looking to burn for eternity. A small white filly with a pink mane was on the sidewalk next to Luna. The filly stopped playing with the embers, and looked up at Luna with a smile.

"Sleep now, in fire."

Flames consumed Luna, digging into her very core and sucking all the warmth out of her body, making her mind go numb.

"Look, all I'm saying is if you want to experience working night shift at a place where giant animals are trying to kill you, just go work at an aquarium." Nopony yawned. "Giant Octopus look out for cameras, sneak out of their tanks at night to eat the other animals, and have a very strong grip."

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Octopodes aren't that aggressive, they would avoid security instead of attack them."

Nopony made an evil grin as he glanced at Scootaloo. "Imagine flashing your light at the corner of a hallway, and a giant octopus lunges at you because it was startled-"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR MIND?!" Luna teleported into the room.

"Did you poop in my head?!" Scootaloo pointed at Luna.

"Did you poop in Scootaloo's head?!" Nopony mimicked Scootaloo.

"You killed me while I was visiting your dream!" Luna pointed a hoof at Nopony.

"Wait, you killed Luna while she was in your dream?" Scootaloo continued.

"Wait, you got killed in my head?" Nopony grinned.

"Did I get killed in yo- YOU FROZE ME TO DEATH!"

"Hey Luna." Nopony yawned.

"What?!"

"Luna."

"What?"

"Luna."

"..."

"Was it cold?"

"Yes Sister," Luna growled through gritted teeth, "it was cold."

"Extremely cold then?"

"Yes."

"Had a hard time breathing there?"

"Not sure how that is releva-"

"Welcome back from the moon little Sis."

Luna's eye twitched as Scootaloo broke out into laughter.

Diplomacy

Author's Note

This chapter takes place in Awful Lot of Coffee in Equestria

Diplomacy

Cadence and Luna sat at the usual spot, waiting for their first cups of coffee at Donut Joe's. This time, Cadence broke a sacred rule and brought Flurry Heart with her.

"Tell me why I shouldn't kick you out of this booth right now." Luna gave her a withered glare.

"Oh relax." Cadence rolled her eyes. "She's knocked out cold, not even a rampaging monster could wake her up right now."

Flurry Heart's head slumped over, she started leaking drool over the table. Cadence lightly bopped her on the head over and over. Little sparks shot out of her horn as she sat there, unresponsive.

Luna smacked her over.

Flurry shot out a large laser that blasted out the open window. Luna and Cadence took cover as Flurry skidded across the table, still unresponsive.

Cadence and Luna slowly pulled their heads out from under the table,

"Luna, what were you thinking," Cadence shouted at her, "I do not want a child abuse or property damage lawsuit!"

"You did not warn me that she would shoot lasers!" Luna bellowed.

"Oh sure, just smack my baby! That's acceptable! Maker forbid she would retaliate!"

"THOU WILL-"

"Your order of coffee and donuts, ladies." Donut Joe dropped off three full mugs and a large pitcher of coffee, along with a tray of donuts. Luna and Cadence snatched their mugs immediately and downed them.

"Ahhhhhhh..." Luna and Cadence sighed.

"I apologize Cadence, you know how it is sometimes." Luna smiled.

"Of course." she picked up her baby. "I understand completely, it's behind us now." She set her baby upright. "I wonder... Did you and Celestia skip drinking coffee on the day you two fought-"

"She drank the last of it." Luna got a dangerous look in her eye.

Cadence quietly poured Luna another cup. Luna downed it.

"It's behind us now." She poured herself and Cadence another cup.

"So," Cadence lazily waved a hoof in front of her sleeping baby, "do you know what Flurry Heart dreams of?"

"Your infant?" Luna levitated a donut over towards her.

"Of course not, I meant my husband." She rolled her eyes.

"Yes, I mix the two up sometimes, they're far too similar."

"Oh come on Luna," Cadence pouted, "I want to know what this little demon is plotting while she sleeps."

"She dreams of ice." Luna sipped on her mug.

"Ice?"

"Yes, everything covered in ice, why?"

Cadence gave her child a nervous glance.

"Reminds me of my sister a bit actually," Luna pondered out loud, "except with her everything was on fire-"

The ceiling imploded as a large male pegasus stallion came barreling through. Cadence snatched her baby and dived under the table with Luna. Shards of glass rained everywhere as he slammed down onto the coffee table and vomited up a little blood.

A loud monster roar shook the building.

"What was that?!" Cadence pulled her head out from under the table.

"Sorry about that," the stallion groaned, "some idiot shot a laser at a nearby dragon as it was passing by Canterlot."

Cadence glared at Luna as she slowly rose from under the table.

"You shot a dragon!"

"Oh please, what were the odds-"

"You somehow shot a dragon by punching my baby!"

"AND YOU HAD YOUR HUSBAND THROW YOU LIKE A-"

The Stallion filled the two mugs with coffee and hoofed it over to them. They both chugged it down quickly.

"Behind us now." They said in unison.

"Nopony!" Scootaloo ran into the shop, up to the Stallion. "I brought the monster here, like you asked!"

"I told you to take it away from Canterlot!" Nopony yelled.

"I thought you said to bring it to you!"

"How in the world did you mishear that badly?!" Nopony exploded. "Now!.."

Nopony downed the cup of coffee Scootaloo presented him.

"Okay, so we have a monster to deal with." Nopony wiped off his lips.

"Who the heck are you?!" Cadence pointed a hoof at Nopony.

"Oh yeah, I forgot!" Nopony laughed.

A bright light filled the room as Nopony turned back into Celestia.

"I apologize Scootaloo, but I'm afraid I had prior arrangements, I leave this matter in your hooves."

"What?!" Scootaloo yelled, "how am I suppose to stop-"

Scootaloo knocked Flurry Heart over with her flailing forelimbs, and made her shoot another laser out the window, the dragon screamed in pain.

"...That could work." Scootaloo scratched her chin.

"Hey, be careful!" Cadence scolded her.

"Hey I'm gonna borrow this for a second- k' cool- thanks- bye!" Scootaloo snatched Flurry Heart and ran out of the shop.

"What? No! My baby!" Cadence flew after her.

Celestia and Luna took a slow, long drink from their mugs as the dragon roared outside.

"Did you know that Flurry Heart has similar dreams to you?" Luna spoke up.

"Oh really?" Celestia smiled. "How sweet, perhaps we'll get along well when she grows up!"

"Yes, that would be... interesting." Luna frowned. "Speaking of which, who manages the court while you're gone?"

"With Scootaloo?" Celestia blinked. "I have a changeling take care of court for me usually, even when I'm not busy."

"Why would they ever agree to that?"

"Don't be silly Lulu, nobles love hearing themselves speak."

The dragon's roars started to quiet down as it flew off. Scootaloo and Cadence slowly entered the establishment.

"Thanks for the support there," Scootaloo said through gritted teeth, "I really, really appreciate it! You two are the best, the very best! I'll kill you! I'll make you both think you deserve it-"

Cadence poured herself and Scootaloo a cup of coffee, and hoofed a mug to her. They slowly drained their cups.

"All behind us now." Cadence said with a smile.

"Right, here's your baby back." Scootaloo put Flurry Heart back down on the table.

The baby, even now, was still completely unresponsive.

"I'll see you later!" Scootaloo gave a happy wave to Celestia as she left.

"Bye!" Celestia waved back, then took a sip of her coffee.

"So what's on your agenda for the day Auntie?" Cadence sat back down.

"Well, after this, I have a meeting with the dragon ambassador-" Celestia stopped.

Then slowly facehoofed.

Luna poured her a cup.

Breakin' 2: Electric Scootaloo

Nopony woke up to see Scootaloo bouncing a rubber ball against the left wall of the alleyway.

"Shouldn't you be at school?" He asked.

"What do you care?"

"No foal who's cardboard box I jacked is going to live with me without getting an education."

"You!.." Scootaloo paused. "I don't know what part of that sentence makes me the maddest yet- wait!!" Scootaloo shot out of the box towards the end of the alleyway, "What are they doing together!?"

"Who?" Nopony got up and stretched.

"Over there!"

Nopony slowly yawned. Taking his time trotting over, he peeked his head out of the alleyway and saw Rainbow and Diamond chatting with each other.

Scootaloo scowled. "Isn't that kinda a weird pairing to you?"

Nopony calmly looked at Scootaloo, then his reflection in the puddle nearby.

"They're definitely a novelty." Nopony laid back down.

"I know! Something must be up..."

"The older one should be at her job, and the younger one should be at school."

"Exactly! School has another 2 hours before it ends! What is she doing messing around with Rainbow Dash?" Scootaloo glared at Diamond.

"It is ridiculous how often foals here are left unsupervised by their parents considering we live right next to the Everfree Forest." Nopony mused.

"Look at them, they're slinking into some back alleyway! That is totally suspicious!" Scootaloo trotted back to where Nopony was sitting and snuggled into his side. "Stranger danger is kindergarten stuff! You don't just trot up to an adult you don't know in some alleyway!"

"You'd definitely be a complete idiot if you did something like that," Nopony deadpanned. "Stop worrying about it Scootaloo, I'm pretty sure Diamond Tiara knows who the Element of Loyalty is."

"Why would she ever hang out with Diamond Tiara in an alleyway? I know everything there is to know about alleyways! I live in one! Rainbow should asking me to go into an alleyway with her, not Diamond! I should be the one she's taking advantage of!"

Nopony slowly turned his head towards Scootaloo.

"Shut up." Scootaloo cringed.

"Wooooooooow." Nopony slowly clapped.

"Shut up, just... just shut up, okay? That didn't happen." Scootaloo started pacing back and forth.

"Alright, alright... it's not the end of the world kid. I know you're a little..."

"A little what?" Scootaloo's eye twitched.

"You're kinda losing it kid, why don't you try to relax?"

Scootaloo sighed, "yeah, you're right," then pulled out a condom.

Nopony quietly stared at Scootaloo fumble with it's wrapper like a drug addict.

"You wouldn't use it for its intended purpose," he commented, "that's far too boring and predictable."

"I thought I told you to shut up." Scootaloo proceeded to inflate the condom, and tie it into a Rainbow Dash shaped balloon animal.

"This is pretty well made, how many times have you done this?" Nopony examined Condom Dash.

Scootaloo pulled out a couple more condoms out of her nonexistent pockets. "Do you think Diamond Tiara would do anything weird to her?"

"Well, I would normally say no, but from what I've seen, she's one of two fillies in Ponyville who acts like a sociopath at times."

"Do you think we're going to have to save her?"

"She'd probably pop your balloon if she saw it."

"I'm talking about the real Rainbow Da-"

"Awwww you made one of me!" Nopony picked up his balloon condom counterpart.

"O- oh, do you like it?" Scootaloo blushed.

"It's perfect!"

Nopony took Nocondom and put him in the box. He positioned it right under the picture Scootaloo drew of them fighting off griffons taped to the wall.

"What the heck is this?!" A voice called out from the alleyway.

Nopony and Scootaloo poked their heads out of the box to see Diamond pop Sweetie Condom.

"Hey, you leave Sweetie Belle alone!" Scootaloo yelled.

"Whaaaaat theeeee..." Rainbow stared at her balloon animal.

"What are you two freaks doing in here?!" Diamond demanded.

"Keeping an eye on you!" Scootaloo sneered.

"Keeping an eye on Scootaloo." Nopony smiled.

"What were YOU doing with Rainbow Dash in that alleyway?" Scootaloo pointed a hoof at Diamond.

"Matilda was taking a short cut home through that stupid wet, smelly alleyway and dropped all her groceries!" Diamond rolled her eyes. "Rainbow Dash wanted to help her pick them up."

"Oh."

"Whaaaaaaat." Rainbow's eye twitched.

The two fillies quietly glared at each other.

"W- well, why are you two hanging out with each other? You're not friends!" Scootaloo shot back.

"I like having the best grades in class as much I love having the best tiara!" Diamond huffed, "and just like I love having the best grades and the best tiara, of course I love having the best body!"

"What? That doesn't make any sense!" Scootaloo pouted.

"We're gym partners! She pushes herself almost as much I do!" Diamond gave a cocky grin.

"That... makes a lot of sense." Scootaloo unpouted.

"Whaaaaaat the hay."

"Now girls, both of you should be in school." Nopony lectured.

"Forget school!" They both shouted in sync.

Nopony got a dangerous glint in his eye.

"I- I mean, I love school," Scootaloo chuckled nervously.

"Are you seriously scared of this loser-"

"You're right Diamond, let's go to school!" Scootaloo dragged Diamond out of the alleyway.

"HEY! I'M NOT DONE..."

Nopony sat down next to Rainbow Dash as she stared at her condom counterpart.

"Whaaaa-"

"Now Rainbow, I know this is new experience for you, but don't worry," Nopony picked up Condom Dash and hoofed it to her, "you've got protection."

Daddy Issues.

Author's Note

This takes place after Scootaloo gets a home.

Daddy Issues.

"Mornin'," Scootaloo yawned.

"Good morning," Nopony cheered.

"Wow, you're in a good mood today," Scootaloo grumbled.

"I made us waffles!"

Scootaloo stayed quiet as she watched Nopony set down a fresh stack of waffles on the table. He was humming a song to himself.

"You usually make pancakes."

"Well, having waffles can't be too awful!" He slathered butter and syrup on a plate of waffles.

"Don't try to butter me up too much here."

"Tada!" He set the plate down in front of her. "So how's school been?"

"Well, you know me, nothing but A's and B's on my report card." Scootaloo lied.

"I'm really proud of how well you've been doing, keep up the good work sweetie." Nopony kissed her forehead.

Scootaloo froze.

"Are you okay?" Nopony frowned.

"Bathroom emergency, one sec!"

Scootaloo hurried into the bathroom, locked the door, opened the window, and climbed out of it. Looking around, an idea came to her as she spotted the shed, and she opened it.

Inside was Nopony trapped in a changeling pod.

"Well, looks like my guess was right." Scootaloo stoically stated.

Nopony wiggled around in the pod, trying to point towards the hedge clippers on the wall.

"Yeah one second, I just used the restroom and forgot to wash my hooves." Scootaloo closed the barn door.

Muffled screams came from the shed as Scootaloo climbed into the window, and finished pretending to use the restroom.

"I'm back Dad!" Scootaloo smiled as she trotted out.

"Welcome back," the changeling chuckled, "you were only gone for a minute sweetie."

"I know I know, I'm just glad you get to stay home today!" Scootaloo sat in his lap and pulled the waffles towards her. "So does all this mean you're off work today instead of tomorrow?"

"That's right!" It lied.

"Awesome! I can't wait to start our flying lessons and get icecream afterwards!" Scootaloo nuzzled it's chest.

"Well, you can't blame me for putting it off for so long. As soon you start flying, you'll no longer have time for your old stallion anymore."

"I'll always have time for you Dad!" Scootaloo hugged their torso.

The real Nopony slammed the front door open, covered in goo.

"I never want to see another pod for as long as I live!"

The changeling jumped out of it's chair and hissed.

"You are going straight to the moon," Nopony snarled, "and you!.."

Nopony gasped when he didn't see Scootaloo anywhere nearby.

"I swear, if there's a single hair out of place on her, I'll-"

*THWACK!*

The changeling watched as Nopony slumped over, standing behind him was Scootaloo with a bat.

It frowned. "Um-"

"Oh don't worry," Scootaloo tossed the bat behind her and dragged Nopony inside, "he's secretly an alicorn, he'll be fine."

"That's not, uh, he is? No, wait, why did you-"

"I can be your daughter for the day." Scootaloo gave it a coy smile.

"Yeah okay no, this just got super weird."

"Don't say that, you feed off love don't you?" She nuzzled the changeling's leg.

"I... I don't feel safe!"

"Daddy Shhhhhh..." Scootaloo hugged the changeling.

"Help, I'm being violated!"

"Don't fight it, Just let this happen!"

"HELP!!"

Tiny Tall Island

Author's Note

This chapter takes place 31 years after the main story.

Tiny Tall Island

Jolly Roger and Nopony sat inside a cardboard box.

They were on an little island raised high off the ground only big enough to have two adult sized ponies. Outside of their strangely sturdy box, a horrible hurricane was flooding the area with water. Jolly was almost sure there was a tornado somewhere behind them.

"Jolly my colt, let Uncle Nopony tell you a story. A while back ago a young stallion named-"

Jolly thought back to the fight earlier today. He was having a nice time with his Uncle fishing when two sirens got in the mood to shipwreck them. Jolly was pretty certain there were suppose to be three of them, and they were banished, but he wasn't about to let these two trot all over him.

"-He busted into the room and yelled, 'Which pony do I have to make out with to get a job around here?' and the mare inside replied, 'I would be that pony.' He popped his collar and started trotting up to her." Nopony smiled. "She then locked him a room and forced him to read books all day. The Stallion hated it, before coming to peace with it and gaining a strange learning fetish-"

Of course, Jolly had to flirt with the cute one, and then the cute one flirted back. So after a while it became his Uncle trying to kill the scary one while he was rubbing up against a purring cute fish thing. That's when he decided to knock her unconscious.

"-Beat it unconscious with a flower pot he made himself. She gave him access and permission to take any book, and he became a homeless scholar. Unfortunately, his thirst for knowledge led him to learn about every single type of herb and medicine, which then later led to an addiction to fizzlepop seeds, but that's not really all that important-"

Sirens are supposed to charm you with their magic. Jolly didn't know any idiots who fell for that, that Siren wasn't going to charm him, he was going to charm her, and he did. Turns out Siren scales are a lot tougher than they look, and she got really pissed.

"-And that's the story of how Starswirl met Celestia. Look, I was a bit too busy to watch you fight Jolly, but what I'm getting at is sometimes flirting with dangerous strangers leads to powerful magic and drugs and fun, but sometimes it can also lead to getting shipwrecked and all your crap stolen. So uh, next time, maybe don't hit on a siren trying to..."

"I understand." Jolly slightly nodded.

He decided to keep the saucier details of that fight to himself.

"Great," Nopony laid a hoof on Jolly's shoulder, "glad we had this talk."

The two watched the sea rage on.

Jolly frowned. "How do you think my Mom will react when they find us?"

"Scoots? After hearing you tried to flirt with a siren? She'll either laugh, or be proud."

Time? Heheh! Time, is an illusion! The only time, is party time, mmkay~?

Author's Note

Scootaloo has her hen house.
Oh my goodness it's been like a year and a half-

Time? Heheh! Time, is an illusion! The only time, is party time, mmkay~?

It was 3 AM, Shining Armor was in a snuggle coma, and oddly enough, Cadence had grown to love her insomnia. Even while exhausted, it was a precious, peaceful moment to hold her husband close and stare into nothing, she-

Three gentle knocks tapped on her door.

Frowning, Cadence carefully extracted herself from her bed and made her way to her bedroom door. Upon opening it, she was confused to see Celestia in her old Uncle disguise.

"Aunt Tia? What are you doing here, it's the middle of the night!"

"Good to see you Cadence, and I'm Nopony Special," the stallion answered.

Cadence snorted, "You're the Alicorn of the Sun."

"Right, yeah, so Celestia kicked me out, can I crash here for a bit?"

The Alicorn stared up at the tall mangy pegasus in silence.

"You are Celestia."

"Yeah, so like, the couch down a couple stairs. Just until I find another box and-"

"N- No, wait, you are Celestia." Cadence groaned in frustration.

"Yes, I am indeed." He nodded.

"The one who took me in when I was a foal?"

"I do remember doing that."

"The owner of Canterlot Castle and generally all of Equestria?"

"Nah, Celestia kicked me out. That's kind of why I'm here actually. My back up is Fluttershy but her house smells like sweaty animals, so if-"

"Okay okay okay, back up!" Cadence stopped to take a deep breath, and let it go. "What happened exactly?"

"So I was hanging out with Scootaloo." Nopony started.

"Who?"

"She was a flower girl at your wedding."

"Who?"

"She babysat Flurry Heart a couple times."

"Who?"

"She can't fly due to gimp wings and her ribs are visible-"

"Oh! The orange furred purple haired filly?"

"Yep, Scootaloo, so I was hanging with her-"

"When did you two start hanging out?" Cadence frowned.

"About a year and a half ago, she lives in my closet."

"She moved to Canterlot? I thought her and those other flowers girls were the little sisters of the elements of harmony?"

"Yeah she's still in Ponyville."

"Didn’t you just say she lives in your closet?" Cadence inquired.

"Uh huh, so Scootaloo and I were hanging out, and a monster attacked Ponyville, like usual."

"What do you mean like usual-"

"And there's sorta of an unspoken town rule that whoever is closest to the monster usually deals with it. Just helps daily life not get so interrupted and all that." Nopony shrugged.

"Don't you have a military? What is wrong with Pony-"

"Ponyville's great, I love it, don't worry about it. So Scootaloo fell asleep in a really cute pose and I wanted to get a picture, so I had to deal with the monster quietly."

"What's your relationship with Scootaloo?" Cadence raised a brow.

The two stared at each other in silence.

"I had to get that picture, so I decided to just teleport the monster away." Nopony continued.

"I really starting to get confus-"

"And while I was teleporting it I thought of how cute Luna was when she was little and accidentally teleported it to her bedroom while she was sleeping."

Cadence gasped, "Oh my goodness, is she okay?!"

"I 'unno, anyway, after that I tried doing damage control, and accidentally set Scootaloo's closet on fire, and Luna's room got destroyed and long story short Celestia kicked me out." Nopony scratched the side of his hip.

Cadence stared at Nopony, then back at her still somehow asleep husband, then back at the dirty stallion before her.

"Um, so..." Cadence tried to shake her stupor off. "Are you currently a separate entity from Celestia?"

"Of course not," he chuckled.

"Okay, uh, could I talk to her? Please?" Cadence whimpered.

"Naaaah she's busy venting to Luna right now."

Cadence slowly pushed her hooves into her face.

"I don't understand!" Cadence whined.

"Okay, from the top, so Scootaloo and I were hanging out-"

"Couch downstairs, you can use it, good night-"

Cadence slammed the door shut.

"I love you too Niece!" Nopony shouted through the other end of the door.

"Go to bed!!"

"So if I end up staying for a while can I invite some friends-"

"GO AWAY!!"

Moon Swoon

Author's Note

Our favorite fluffy orange T-Rex and the graceful princess of a burning ball of gas had already acquired their nest.

Moon Swoon

"So if the Elements of Harmony can get rid of just the nightmare bit of Luna, why didn't they at first?"

"Oh," Nopony began to sweat, "oh, oh well. You know."

The two stared at each other.

"A thousand years ago," Scootaloo continued, "when you fought her."

"When Celestia fought her. And-"

"Sure, when that loser fought her."

Nopony glared at her. "And it was a very intense moment with a lot of magic going on."

"Sounds like that should've made the element's job easier."

"Celestia's skill alone could not purify Luna, wielding all six."

Scootaloo raised an eyebrow. "So she did the more difficult thing and sent her towards a celestial object 238,900 miles away?"

"You're thinking of the moon across the mirror, ours is closer by about roughly 60,000 miles." Nopony corrected. "Wait how do you know about-"

"Why did you throw her onto the moon?"

"Into the moon?"

"Into the moon, which sounds even harder?"

"I was having a bad day okay? A very very bad day."

"For a finite, exact thousand years?"

"I-"

"And then you made the exact day you sealed her away a holiday where you celebrate the thing she grew to hate?"

Nopony quietly stared at Scootaloo.

"Also I thought Celestia did this, not you."

With a flash of light, Nopony turned back into Celestia.

"Go to your room." She said in the stern, disappointed mother voice.

"I GOT YOU!!" Scootaloo broke into a manic grin. "I made you break character!"

"Young lady, go to your room, right now."

"As you say-"

"Good-"

"Mom."

CELESTIA DECLARES NEW HOLIDAY TO APPRECIATE THE SKY
It came as a surprise to many when the Princess of the Sun declared a new holiday to celebrate flight, and all the wonders involved within. Starting today, trained unicorns and Celestia herself will be traveling across Equestria for a week casting a strong enchantment that will let all earth ponies and unicorns gain wings for 72 hours. Many were overjoyed by this, while the minorities cried out racism against cows, donkeys, yaks, minotaurs, and so forth. In other news, strange spots have showed up on the sun, the princess guarantees that they'll only be there for a week, to help her cast her enchantments as she travels the country...

Goodnight, Sweet Chick.

Author's Note

This chapter takes place near the end of Scootaloo's natural life.

Goodnight, Sweet Chick.

Nopony gave a somber, guarded look as he watched his old friend draw ragged breaths.

"She wanted to speak to you alone." The nurse said.

Nopony nodded, and the nurse left the room.

"Hi there," Scootaloo rasped, "I'm cold."

Nopony laid gently next to her.

"Hey Cold, I'm Nopony." He smiled.

"Nopony..." Scootaloo narrowed her eyes at him. "Come closer."

He brought his face closer.

"Closer!"

He put his snout up next to hers.

A trumpet blast came out of Scootaloo, it's squealing hot air echoing off the walls. Her body began to visibly deflate as her dam broke. She let out a raspy chuckle.

The monitor flat lined.

"Well, you lived how you died Scoots," Nopony slowly nodded, then got up to leave the room, "full of shit."

Distractions

Author's Note

Takes place after Scoots gets a home.

Distractions

Scootaloo focused on the game she was playing intensely. She had two extra lives left and this was the final boss-

"Hey Scootaloo, it's free balloon day!" Nopony opened the front door and flooded the living room with orange and white balloons.

"OH FFFFFMMGGHH-" Scootaloo got hit and died in her game. "NOT NOW!!"

"I bet I could shoot more white balloons that you can shoot orange balloons!" Nopony pulled out a handgun.

"DAD PLEASE!" Scootaloo begged as she tried to see through the mass of balloons, and failed. She waited till Nopony had shot enough balloons before trying one last time.

"Whoops, almost shot the TV there." Nopony mused.

"Are you done? Is this over?!" Scootaloo whined. "Are you going to shoot any more balloons, or do any more balloon related activities?"

"No, the orange balloons are for you to shoot."

"Okay, one last time, here we go-"

"Did you know I cannot die?" Nopony loosely pointed the handgun at the side of his head, and unloaded it, all the bullets bouncing off him.

Scootaloo got a game over.

The Backstory that Doesn't Really Matter.

Once every decade, one of the two royal sisters would take a whole year off from ruling the country. They would disguise themselves as a normal pony and live whatever life they wanted for a full year, and then come back to rule the country feeling refreshed. Luna would always try to pick up a hobby: painting, creating music, writing stories... Celestia, on the other hand, would always do one thing and one thing only all year round.

"Please tell me you don't plan to sleep in a box all year." Luna frowned.

"I won't sleep in a box all year." Celestia said calmly.

"It's been a thousand years, you have ruled this country diligently without rest. I understand the temptation but PLEASE sister, don't just doze off in a box all year long."

"I said I wouldn't do that. Lulu, look at me."

Luna stared her older sister in the eyes.

"We're both much more mature than we were a millennium ago. I'm not going to do something as unproductive as sit in a box all year long, I promise."

"You promise, really? Because I'm going to check the streets of Canterlot daily for you sister. You better not be lying."

"Look, Luna." Celestia laid a hoof on her sister's head. "I PROMISE that I will not spend all year sitting in a box, being a dirty, smelly, lifeless pegasus male who does nothing but sleep."

Scootaloo walked into her alleyway to find a dirty, smelly, lifeless pegasus male sleeping in her box.

"Hey," she growled, "this is MY box!"

"Uuuuuuuugh..." The homeless stallion quietly groaned.

"Go find somewhere else to sleep." Scootaloo stamped her hoof.

"I'll cut you-" The stallion starting having a coughing fit.

Scootaloo backed up in fear.

"-a deal kid." The stallion croaked.

"What?" Scootlaoo relaxed.

"I'll cut you a deal kid." The stallion said once more.

Scootaloo watched as he scooted over, making room in the box for her.

"That's not a deal!" She whined.

Her complaint fell on deaf ears, as the stallion was already snoring again. Grumbling, Scootaloo climbed into HER box and tried to get comfortable.

"Well..." she muttered, "at least you're warm and cushy."

Ponyville's winter blew cold air into the alleyway. Scootaloo snuggled in deeper under the stallion's wing. Within minutes, the little pegasus soon joined the older one's deep sleep.

The childhood sandwich of every kid who lived in a 1st world country.

"Nopony, I'm hungry." Scootaloo complained.

"Here, have a PB&J sandwich." He offered.

"I don't want a PB&J sandwich."

Slowly, Nopony turned his head towards Scootaloo, lowered himself to her eye level, and leaned in close.

"Name me a fool who bit into a PB&J and didn't feel a warm glow on the inside." He whispered.

Scootaloo quietly took the sandwich.

She didn't know any fools.

Oh.

Nopony stirred, starting to awaken.

Scootaloo stared at the clouds.

"Watcha' lookin at?" Nopony rolled over and asked.

"Just some clouds." Scootaloo said absentmindedly.

"Hmm..." Nopony pulled in Scootaloo close, using her as a teddy bear of sorts. "That one looks like an orange."

"You mean a circle?" Scootaloo snarked.

"Of course not, it..."

"Looks like a circle."

"I just woke up Scootaloo."

"Celestia wakes up at the crack of dawn every morning to raise the sun and you don't see her complaining."

Nopony wasn't sure what to say to that.

"That one looks like a chicken." Nopony said.

"Which one?"

"That one there." He pointed.

"That one?" Scootaloo squinted. "That looks like more like a pegasus foal to-..."

Scootaloo slammed her hoof into Nopony's stomach, the larger pegasus only laughed.

"That one looks like a giant demon spider." Scootaloo said.

"That is a giant demon spider." Nopony frowned.

The two watched as the giant monstrosity crashed through a building. Rainbow Dash sent a flying kick right into its jaw. Her other five friends jumped right into the fight with her. The giant demon spider's deafening roar broke a nearby window.

"Huh." Scootaloo blinked.

"Huh." Nopony lowered his head to continue dozing.

Nopony napped lightly, enjoyed the warm sun.

Scootaloo stared at the clouds.

"Hey Scoots."

"Yeah Nopony?"

"If you could have any super power in the world, what would be?"

"Any super power?"

"Yeah, like super strength, super speed, you know..."

Nopony closed his eyes and smiled.

"I sometimes dream I have the ability to climb incredibly well. Hopping through tree branches super fast, swinging and spinning off them. I've always been envious of animals that could do that." He rambled on.

"Huh." Scootaloo commented absentmindedly.

"Another time, I had a dream that I could turn into liquid. At the time in my dream, I remember it being the strangest, yet most exciting thing I've ever done, being able to slide across the ground with no physical form." Nopony grinned.

"Hmm" Scootaloo mumbled.

"If you could have one thing, what would it be?"

"One thing?"

"Yeah!"

"I wish I could fly."

...

"Oh."

...

Nopony wrapped a wing around Scootaloo.

Scootaloo stared at the clouds.

The Amusement Park and the Garbage Dump.

Author's Note

All chapters after home is for the weak, but you should really have one takes place on one of the 365 days that wasn't covered in the previous chapters, unless specified otherwise.

The Amusement Park and the Garbage Dump.

"Nopony! Nopony wake up!"

"Mmm?.. Scootaloo, it's 2:00 AM, what's wrong?"

"Nopony, I'm bleeding!"

"Bleeding? Where?"

"Here!"

"Oh, OH. Oh crap, I did NOT want to be here for when this started..."

"What's wrong with me?" Scootaloo sniffed.

"You're uh, you're... Ugh, let's get you cleaned up first..."

"Okay uh, Scootaloo."

"Y- yeah?"

"Your body is... well..."

Nopony closed his eyes.

"Okay, kid, I want you to imagine a town."

"Alright."

"And your body is that town."

"Uh..."

"Your head, is the library, and your mouth, is the radio tower."

"Oh! Okay, I'm getting it."

"And between your legs, is the garbage dump."

"Ew!"

"And for some reason, they decided to build the amusement park on top of the garbage dump."

Scootaloo blinked.

"What."

"Things are gonna get just a little bit confusing from here on out." Nopony gave a sheepish grin.

"Uhh-"

"So, little kids go near the amusement park, and they say 'this is dumb! Why would I go to a place covered in trash?' and all the teenager ponies think it's amazing and they take all their marefriends and coltfriends there with them."

"Why would they want to take their special someponies-"

"Shush, I'm uh, I'm getting there." Nopony averted his eyes. "Okay, so, uh, the pony who takes your money and hands out tickets says it's free to go on the rides as much as you want, and everypony loves it."

"I'm confused, why in the heck would Celestia ever make the body-"

"DON'T YOU BLAME THIS ON M- I mean uh, nopony knows why."

"You do?"

"No! I mean, ugh! Stop interrupting!"

"O- okay..."

"So all the teenagers laaaaugh and plaaaay all day long at the amusement park, and then as they're leaving, the ticket booth pony hands the couple a baby and says no refunds."

Scootaloo blinked, again.

"And that's why you don't go play on the amusement park until you're married! Any questions?"

Scootaloo frowned, deep in thought.

"So..." Scootaloo rubbed her chin with her hoof. "If the amusement park was built on top of the dump, couldn't I sneak in through the dump, play on the park, and sneak back out through the dump without a baby?"

Nopony slowly performed a double facehoof.

"Nopony, are you okay? Nopony?.."

The romance lawyer.

Nopony slowly awoke with a yawn, got up, and looked around him. Scootaloo was staring at something outside the alleyway with a blush on her face.

It was a colt.

"Who's that?" Nopony asked.

"Ah!" Scootaloo flinched. "U- uh, who's who?"

"That colt you wanna make out with."

"I don't want to make out with him!"

"Oh real-"

"I need to make out with him..." Scootaloo sighed.

"Wow," Nopony sounded genuinely surprised, "you really got the vapors for that little air headed pretty boy huh?"

"I just... I just wish we would crash into each other, while I was doing tricks on my scooter."

"Uh huh." Nopony laid back down.

"And he would be covered in sweat from working out all day."

"Are you about to tell me your fantasy for making out with this colt?"

"He would look at me and say, are you alright?" Scootaloo went on, lost in her thoughts.

"Please stop."

"And I'd say back, Are you a wall?"

"What?"

"And he'd be like No, why?"

"What kind of opening line is-"

"Because I'm about to knock you down, climb over, and invade you."

...

"And then-"

"Okay no!" Nopony cut her off. "If you're going to have a weird rape fantasy with this colt, let's at least make it productive."

"Okay first off, in this awesome imaginary scenario, he's consenting." Scootaloo huffed. "Secondly, are you about to try and help me rape somepony?"

"As you just said, it's fine if he consents. Love is a lot like politics, you're in the clear if you don't get caught."

"Should I call the royal guard?"

"So the first thing you do is stalk him all day and don't give him the chance to eat."

"I'm calling the royal guard." Scootaloo tried to get up and leave, only to get pinned under one of Nopony's wings.

"Hush, now it's important he doesn't know you have a hoof in this." Nopony nodded, as if he was conversing with somepony else. "Try to make sure he gets a little rest as possible too."

"I'm getting kind of scared here."

"Then, near the end of the day, you strike up a conversation with him, saying you noticed how tired and hungry he looks, and you happen to have a picnic basket on you."

"Why would I just happen to have a picnic basket on me?" Scootaloo snarked.

"Doesn't matter, he's tired and hungry, you could be Discord himself and he'd throw himself at your hooves." Nopony rolled his eyes.

"Oh, I know where you're going with this!"

"Now, make sure the food has a light amount of aphrodisiac in it."

"What."

"Then he'll be tired, slightly hungry, and aroused. After that, just start kissing him and he'll be too into it and braindead to care. How's that for scoring a makeout session in under one day?"

Scootaloo stared at Nopony.

"You are a monster." She said calmly.

"That's not a no."

"You pretty much made a plan to drug somepony."

"That's still not a no."

"Where can I find a picnic basket?"

Goodnight Irene.

Nopony awoke to Scootaloo stumbling back into the alleyway, carrying a bottle of apple cider in her hoof.

"Hey there handso- UCK," Scootaloo hiccuped, "you look like a platonic mistake I- I'm gonna wake up to every single day!"

"Hey there kid," Nopony responded, "you look like absolute shit."

"Where?"

Nopony watched as Scootaloo searched herself for something.

"Where's what?" He asked.

"Where is it?"

"The absolute shit?"

"Y- HUK- eah."

Nopony pointed at the general direction of her body.

Scootaloo proceeded to pour apple cider all over herself.

"Did I ge' it?" Scootaloo wobbled.

"No."

Scootaloo fell over on her side, rolled around in the puddle on the ground, and got back up covered in mud and alcoholic liquid.

"How about now?"

"Yeah." Nopony nodded. "You got it."

"So what do you want to be when you grow up?" Scootaloo flopped on top of Nopony.

"I am grown up."

"Then why aren't you anything?"

Nopony didn't respond.

"You're like..." Scootaloo stopped, trying to not to vomit. "You're like those magical fillies, in those neighponies comics. Except you're a stallion, and not magical, and disgusting."

"Really now."

"You show up outta nowhere and suddenly we're best friends!" Scootaloo threw her bottle into the air. "You don't work, you don't have anypony looking for you, you just came out of the blue and colored up my boring life."

"Where did you get alcohol?"

"It's like... you can do whatever you want, and nopony stops you," Scootaloo continued on, "nopony cares about you, or talks to you, or messes with you... Hey! Is that why your name is Nopony Special? Because you're a special kind of nopony?

"Sure."

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Nopony sighed.

"I don't know Scootaloo. I always wanted to explore, discover stuff, kinda like ponies you know in history books, but I lost the chance to do that long ago."

"Mmm." Scootaloo wormed her way into his hooves.

"Now I'm doing exactly what I want to do."

"Being homeless?"

"Close enough." Nopony pulled Scootaloo a little closer and lowered his head down.

"I've always wanted to sing." Scootaloo mumbled.

"Really?"

"Was pretty excited to do a musical for a school play, but everypony laughed at us..."

The two laid there quietly.

"My sister was always a better singer than me," Nopony mused, "she was better than me at most things really, but I had a way with words, and I was good at staying calm under pressure. Because of that, ponies naturally flocked to me more... I was always a little jealous of her."

Nopony looked down to see Scootaloo asleep. Adjusting her into a more comfortable position, he closed his eyes and quickly joined her.

Happy Birthday!

Author's Note

This takes place after Scootaloo gets a home.

Happy Birthday!

Scootaloo threw open the closet doors that connected her house to Celestia's room in her castle.

"Happy Birthday Tia!" She cheered, holding out a present box.

Celestia was laying on her bed, making out with a cake carefully baked, frosted, and shaped like Nopony Special. Moaning, she bit off the front half of his face before noticing Scootaloo.

"Wow." Scootaloo dropped the present. "I mean... wow."

Celestia slowly pulled her blanket over Cakepony Special

"So my first question isn't 'what is this?' I mean, I'm not even all that surprised." Scootaloo continued. "But uh... why the male version of yourself?"

"I like to make a different cake each year." Celestia said stoically.

"So you make out with a different cake version of a pony each year?"

Celestia started to sweat.

"How many times have you done this?" Scootaloo raised an eyebrow.

...

"What's in the present box?" Celestia asked.

"Oh yeah!" Scootaloo picked up the box. "Here!"

Celestia unwrapped the box to find a picture of herself and Scootaloo posing together.

"Awwwwww~" Celestia smiled. "I don't remember taking this picture."

"You were really drunk!"

"Oh, that explains why I look like a complete vegetable." Celestia set the picture on top of her dresser.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it!" Celestia kissed Scootaloo's forehead.

Scootaloo giggled and wiped the frosting off her forehead. "That's all I came by to do, see you later tonight!" She turned around and started trotting back through the closet.

"Thank you, good bye!" Celestia smiled and waved as she left.

...

"Now..." Celestia Pulled the blanket off Cakepony. "Are you devil's food cake? Because I'm feeling an unholy temptation..."

Dashing through the ash~

"Scootaloo!" Nopony busted through Scootaloo's bedroom window wearing a Santa Claws outfit.

"Ah!" Scootaloo shot out of bed. "What the-"

"Someone's been a naughty filly this year." He growled.

"Not again Daddy!"

...

"Did you have to make it weird?" Nopony sighed.

"Did you have to break my window?"

"I can buy you another window."

"You can buy yourself therapy." Scootaloo climbed back in bed.

"Scootaloo, it's Hearth's Warming Eve." Nopony frowned. "Where's your holiday spirit?"

"Look, unless there's a giant Hearth's Warming tree surrounded by presents outside my window for no rea- oh great you moved our shed where I stored my scooter to who knows where, awesome..." Scootaloo grumbled as she climbed out the window.

"Scroogeloo, pull that candy cane out of your butt and grab a present box!"

Scootaloo harrumphed as she grabbed the biggest box with her name on it. Not being able to stay mad at Nopony, she smiled as she ripped open the box.

And found a solar panel in it.

"What the heck?" Scootaloo complained.

"It's a lot more economical than coal, also the sun is just better." Nopony replied.

"Jokes on you I have free electricity now."

"Jokes on you I supply your every need anywa..." Nopony trailed off.

Scootaloo chuckled as she grabbed the next present, it was coal shaped lump covered in wrapping. She promptly threw it over her shoulder and grabbed the next gift. Seeing it shaped like a box, Scootaloo tore into it.

Inside it was coal.

"Oh come on!"

"Now you won't be cold during Winter while you live in a box!" Nopony cheered.

"I don't live in a box anymore, you bought me a house!"

"Happy Hearth's Warming!" Nopony threw up his hooves.

"Uuuuuugh!" Scootaloo facehoofed. "How would I light this coal on fire anyway if I was still homeless?"

"Scootaloo, I have no doubt in mind that if you were left alone in a sealed empty room for five minutes you'd somehow find a way to set it on fire."

"Oh ye of too much faith." Scootaloo grabbed another present.

Inside it was a scooter made of coal.

Scootaloo blinked "Does this thing actually work?" Scootaloo scooted forward a bit. "Celestia's autism this actually works."

"Did you just call me disabled?"

"I'm gonna ride around inside the house for bit!" Scootaloo raced towards the house.

"You might break something!" Nopony yelled after her.

"That's what makes it fun!"

Nopony rolled his eyes and and looked back at the giant tree. Now that he finished teasing her, he teleported to the where the shed was, and pulled out a hidden stash of real presents. Imagining Scootaloo's face upon opening them, Nopony gently smiled as he teleported back.

The house was on fire.

Author's Note

Happy Holidays.