As Expected, There's No Such Thing as a Dream Come True.

by JN

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 6863

Indeed, I did want to live a pleasant life where I never had to work nor mind anyone else's opinions about me. However, this fantasy of mine that I had always entertained had previously existed only in the plane of human existence.

Indeed, I did want to live a pleasant life where I never had to work nor mind anyone else's opinions about me. Suffice to say, it was my dream. However, this fantasy of mine that I had always entertained had previously existed only in the plane of human existence. As expected, there really is no such thing as a dream come true.

This time around, we entertain a tale about a cynical boy who has lost his way.

(pre-princess twilight / HiE)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-22 02:40:32 UTC

0: Prologue

Let's not beat around the bush.

I did, by all accounts, desire to live a pleasant life where I never had to work nor mind anyone else's opinions about me. Moreover, I was wholly justified in that fantasy - I mean, can you really disagree with me? Could you look me in the eye and say, completely seriously, that you don't desire the same thing somewhere deep in your heart? Can anybody? However, this fantasy of mine that I had always entertained had previously existed only in the plane of human existence. Not even once had I considered the possibility that the paradise I had always sought in life existed in a colorful and vibrant world populated by nonhuman creatures with IQ's lower than Japan's birth rate! Wow, my luck is superb!

..Of course that's not what I'm going to say. If I was that romantic of a person, I'd have enrolled into a school for the arts, majored in theater, and gotten engaged to some air-headed girl with pastel colored hair I met in Advanced Scriptwriting 101.

In short, screw that. I don't buy into any of this for even a second.

I suppose, the best way to articulate my feelings would be..

"Fuck!"

"Ph.. f-- phu.. fu-what? What in the name of Celestia could a word like that mean? Spike, could you fetch my notepad and an inkpen?"

"Sure thing, Twilight! Gee, sure sounds funny, doesn't it? F.. Fu.."

"Stop repeating after me! Don't write that down! Actually, stop scrutinizing my words in the first place!"

I stood there stupidly, clad in a very tousled school uniform and with equally as ruffled hair. I'm sure my face wasn't looking exactly rosy either, as I had woken up just thirty minutes prior to this little run-in here.

I know how my day had started. With almost startling clarity at that.

I had risen at the usual time in the comfort of my own bed, thoroughly not wanting to leave behind the warmth but gritting my teeth and pushing through regardless. I washed, put on my school uniform, shoved last night's assignments into my bag and slung it across my back, and departed with no breakfast. I lived right above where my mother worked and, her being the owner of a 24/7 hairdresser, there was usually no hot meal to wish me a good day at school waiting for me on the kitchen table.

In spite of this, I usually bought something on the way there anyways - the station would have a few shops selling morning pastries for cheap, and the train that left for school wouldn't come for a while. I was assured in that short time that I could enjoy a nourishing start to my day without any scarcity of efficiency. I ate, waited, and boarded the train which, now that I recall, seemed slightly off-color. And as those stainless steel doors closed shut, with me safely standing behind them, I..

I don't remember.

Then, on a sofa far too small for me, my consciousness had returned to me, and I found myself inside what looked like a bizarre cross between a library and a tree house. On top of that, it looked very surreal - or rather, unreal. None of my surroundings held any of the texture or finesse of real wood or genuine material - almost as if I had been thrown headfirst into some sort of cartoon. In my confusion, I had fallen off my apparent resting place and hit my head on the supposedly cartoonish wooden floor, which really didn't feel any different from a regular wood floor in terms of hardness. Due to the ruckus I had caused, I had garnered the attention of some.. creatures.

Standing before me in that moment was something that resembled a horse - save for the fact that it's eyes were freakishly huge and it's voice was undeniably human - and something that resembled a lizard, except that it's limbs were extremely small and that it stood on it's hind legs. The lizard's voice was also undeniably human. Both were shorter than me, the lizard more so than the horse, who's head only came up to about my abdominal area.

There was an illogical, irrational disconnect between how my day started and where I was in the present, so really, just how was I to make sense of this bizarre situation without going totally insane? I concentrated, intensely, on scouring my memories of what might have occurred when those train doors closed shut..

Suddenly, pain hit me. A stinging, unpleasant sensation attacked my mind from all directions. I stumbled backwards a few steps, instinctively pressing my left palm against my forehead, as if enough pressure would make this migraine scram.

"Hold on a moment, are you alright?"

The purple one took a few tentative steps towards me.

Ugh. I couldn't stand the sight of it. Something about this strangely nonhuman creature speaking to me with such a cute voice threw me off intensely.

"Just.. just give me a second, okay?" I said weakly, holding my free hand up in defense.

It halted in it's tracks, a clear sense of concern spreading over her strange and disproportionate features. Good, it seemed willing to listen to me provided I spoke rationally and with reasonable tone.  Same thing went for the lizard, who had long since abandoned the notepad and ink pen he was meant to bring in favor of a small towel which, from the looks of it, had been soaking up my sweat in my sleep.

The pain subsided.

I let out a sigh that was larger than life itself and was prepared to settle back down onto the sofa I rose from when--

"One, one-thousand! Time's up! Let's party now!"

Cue an ear-wrenching whooping that I'm sure reached a frequency just short of that of a dog whistle.

What was it again? "Rationally", and with "reasonable tone"?

"Agh, shut up!" I almost yelled, "you're annoying as hell!"

The pink one edged up very close to my face, her extremely huge and vivacious eyes drilling into mine with curiosity so palpable you could cut it with a butter knife.

"Hell?" she inquired, "who's that? Does she like parties?"

If I had a mirror close by, I would have deliberately practiced a frown in front of it that could deliver exactly the amount of contempt I had for this creature and her obtuse question in full.

The purple one stepped forwards, a slightly stern expression on her features.

"Pinkie, didn't you hear him? He said he needed a moment!"

"That was a moment, Twilight! A really long one too! Like, a week of a moment! A month! Years!"

The purple one let out a weary sigh, like she was already very used to this. For some odd reason, I found myself sympathizing with her.

"In any case," she continued still with a voice that sounded a hundred years worn, "can't you see he's not comfortable?"

"Really?"

Again with the closey-uppy-ness. Enough with this already!

"He looks like a real party animal to me!"

I decided that if this thing wasn't going to get out of my face, I was going to get out of it's. I removed myself from the sofa and tried putting some distance between myself and this freak of nature when my back bumped into something firm, yet surprisingly fleshy. I glanced behind me, and lo and behold, there stood another abomination unassailable by any scientific explanation for it's form or existence. This one was orange, and it was wearing a tacky brown hat.

"Woah, woah, woah! Hold up there, partner!"

Who the hell is your partner? I thought venomously.

"I know yer probably real confused an' all, but there ain't no need to go bumpin' into every pony!"

It spoke with a clearly distinctive southern dialect. I wasn't sure if this was any worse than dealing with the pink one or not.

"Yeah, yeah, sure, my bad," I said insincerely, taking a step away from the orange one before my foot caught on something.

"W-woah!" That panicked voice belonged to the purple one.

"Look out!" The lizard.

It took every ounce of strength I had not to topple backwards. I quickly turned about-face, ready to give whatever was in my way a piece of my mind. Surprisingly, what waited for me wasn't another one of those things, but actually a.. a turnip?

"E-excuse me mister, but is this the kind of food that 'humans' eat? I got something quickly from the garden, but I'm not sure if it.."

The turnip was speaking to me. It had no mouth, but an undeniably feminine voice emitted from it's characteristic purple/white skin.

"O-oh, I don't suppose all animals like these kinds of vegetables as much as I thought.. u-um.."

My eyes followed the vegetable as it settled on the ground. In turn, replacing it was..

"How about a nice sunflower?"

Who am I fooling? It was another horse. This one was the color of vanilla ice cream, and absurdly pink hair sprouted from it's head. Sure enough, in between it's two hooves held out to me, there was held a single sunflower. It squirmed a bit, seemingly in a fix between her nervousness and insatiable curiosity.

This wasn't even worth a response.

I turned away, hoping finally to escape this total madness and find some peace and quiet someplace else. Thankfully, this time, there was nothing in my way. I saw something resembling a door a few feet away and approached it gratefully.

The purple one spoke up, "Hey, hold on!--"

Too late. I'd had enough.

Well, I wish I didn't, because it turns out leaving the room didn't solve any of my problems at all. More or less, it compounded on them.

In the adjacent room, there was a white one with something violet and outrageously curly for hair scurrying about. What looked like a wardrobe from a fashion design school was hovering around her.. suspended by strings, I assumed stupidly.

"Oh, you're awake!"

Her attention was abruptly focused on my person, and I was absolutely delighted to find her eyes were as freakishly huge and disgustingly cute as the other's. It's voice was surprisingly feminine, however - more so than some of the other creature's. I was thrown off for a moment,

"I--"

"Good, good," she interrupted rudely, "this makes things very easy! I mean, I do have magic on my side, but undressing and redressing you while asleep would be quite a hassle! Your timing is just perfect!"

I thought and spoke simultaneously, "Wait wh--?"

"Oh, shush, shush, not another word my dear!" Her words were sickeningly sweet. "The moment I saw you sleeping there on Twilight's couch, I just knew that this dress would look absolutely charming on you!"

What.

"Now come, come, come along dear! I found it just now! Isn't your timing just perfect?"

No, nothing about this is perfect. This posh creature's brain must have been diseased of some sorts to come to that conclusion. And why is it getting closer and closer?

That's not right. It's me who's approaching it - and not by walking, but through the air.

Shit on a stick, I was levitating!

"Wo- wouaaughh!"

A sound I didn't even know I could make left my mouth as I desperately writhed in confusion.

"Oh, dear," she cried, "don't make such a fuss! It only makes this more difficult!"

"Sto- wait, I- wait!"

The door was thrown open behind me as a slew of pathetic stuttered words left my mouth.

"Rarity!"

The purple one again. She was quite the hero. I would have gotten down on one knee and kissed her hoof for her abundant kindness if I wasn't being hoisted off like a damsel in some corny B-rate alien movie.

"Oh, Twilight! Perfect timing!"

Enough with the damn 'perfect timing'!

"Rarity, what are you doing?!"

I was glad, at least, for the incredulousness in her voice.

"Why, I'm dressing this human creature up! What else does it look like I'm doing?"

"Alright, alright, my bad for asking - just hurry up and put him down!"

"Whaaat? Twilight, dear, you know I've been holding back this entire time! This creature's been asleep for the better part of an entire day yet you won't allow me to dress him here and now? In this spectacular dress? With this perfect timing?"

Like I said, enough with the --

"No, I won't!" She cried indignantly, "now hurry up and put him down, or I'll..!"

The white one sighed before the purple one could finish.

"Alright, I suppose as a refined pony such as myself can show a bit more restraint in this area.."

And as suddenly as I was in the air, I was on the ground, and my ass killed. This wood floor was not kidding around. I rose to my feet with a pained groan, rubbing the spot where I had landed with delicacy. The purple one and the lizard were there at my side.

"Are you alright?" she asked, failing to sound concerned for me in the slightest as her eyes wandered to my left buttock in apparent wonder. Despite the pain still raging down there, I stopped rubbing it.

"Yeah," I spoke drearily, "I think.."

And as if I were waking out of a nightmare, I jumped with a start. Why was I conversing normally with this thing?

"I need to get out of here."

I said that more to myself than anybody else as I left that room behind me, passed by the creatures from before and headed for the double doors that looked like they headed out. The windows beyond them showed something at least a bit promising; I was more than ready to get something like fresh air for the first time in what felt like hours. I needed it.

A few feet away from the door, I ascertained that it was a "push" door with my eyes and reached out for the handle when I heard something like distant yelling. Screaming, more like. Or perhaps, something more akin to a war cry?

"Here it comes! I call this one the Supersonic Housecrash! Get ready for this one, Twilight!"

It sounded far away. Nothing that concerned me.

I threw open the double doors and was met with..

..with..

...

..Huh? It's pitch black.

That doesn't make any sense. I could clearly see something vaguely resembling the outdoors from those windows a second ago. Where the hell am I? What happened to me?

Thankfully, a few seconds later, my sight started coming back to me. A moment later, so did my hearing.

"What were you thinking Rainbow Dash?"

The purple one's voice again. Was it starting to grow on me..?

No, not likely.

"Hey, how is this my fault?! I had no idea the thing would be standing right were I was coming in through! This is.. it's fault!"

A new voice. It was rude and I disliked it immediately.

"It's a he, Rainbow! And even so, what if one of the other ponies were standing in front of those doors? Some pony could have gotten seriously hurt!"

Ugh.. regardless of the conversation, the voices were louder than than they needed to be. The pain was starting to return.

"O-oh! Twilight, he's coming around!"

I remember that voice. It belonged to the turnip- no, the yellow one.

"Oh, thank goodness! Rainbow Dash, we're going to talk later, okay?"

"Pffh, whatever."

Footsteps - no, hoofsteps approached me. It was all so necessarily loud.

"How're you feelin'?"

The orange one. Man, I never gave it much thought previously, but that accent really rubbed me the wrong way.

"Listen, we all know Rainbow is a fierce gal an' all, but really, you'll live through this! All it takes is a little kick and you'll be up an' runnin' again like nothin' ever happenned!"

"P-please don't actually kick him, Applejack."

"Wouldn't dream of it, sugarcube. Just a figure o' speech."

My eyes were beginning to open, but it hurt to use my sight. A lot of things hurt. I decided to stop trying and sank back into unconsciousness.

"Deary me, he does look tired.."

And as soon as my consciousness just began to resurface, it went back to black.

Bam. Level One cleared. If my life had devolved to such a shitty game, then I'm sure this is the part where the results of my performance would appear in front of me. I'm no gamer, but I'm fairly certain I would have at least achieved a solid 100% completion score on this stage. After all, I reacted very appropriately to the situation, in a manner that was true to myself - I was rude to everything and everyone in it, and clearly and concisely expressed my burning desire to be anywhere else but there. There was always the possibility that my mental constitution would crack under the ordeal of having to wrap my mind around my surroundings -  to be honest, I felt that I had coped with waking up in a new world with a great more deal of realism than some might have. Then again, maybe I was just in denial. I couldn't be sure, not until I had all the facts - which I didn't.

What had really happened to me? Why was I here and how? What took place between those train doors closing shut and my waking up in a different place entirely?

I was certain by that point, at least, that I was no longer a resident of the world I once knew.

It was always a personal dream of mine to live according to my own desires, to live freely in a place where I didn't need to worry about many of the poisonous things that the secular society that had always existed around me shoved onto my person. Working until death, marrying and falling in love, constructing a fake version of myself to appease a broken world.  But that's why it was personal, and also why it was a dream - because it was fruitless and impossible. I knew it was never going to come to fruition, but part of that knowing-ness was what put one foot in front of the other, day in and day out.

Dreams don't come true. Fantasies are fantasies because they're works of fiction, conjured by the mind and further crafted by imagination. They happen to us without fail because we're constantly yearning for a better situation than the one we live in; but if, by some wild turn of events, you find yourself thinking that your wildest ambitions really could come to fruition, then you've been made the victim of a very old and terrible lie.

Truly, there's no such thing as a "dream come true." If this isn't proof then I quite frankly don't know what else could suffice.

As Expected, There's No Such Thing as a Dream Come True.

0: Prologue END

1: My Name is Colt

"You don't remember your own name?"

An incredulous pair of incredulous violet eyes met mine as I roughly turned my head away from them and snorted indignantly.

"What the hell is it to you? I'd rather not have a name at all if I found out that it was something like Twilight Sparkle."

"That's a perfectly normal name!"

"Sure, and I'm Strawberry Lemonade."

She paused.

"You are?"

"Hell no!"

It took a deal of self-restraint not to give the lavender colored mare an indignant swat of the head - but one of my long suffering, inviolable rules is to not engage in physical contact with anyone who's standing on my relationship chart was "stranger" or "acquaintance." Doesn't give anyone a good excuse to attack first, and if they take it as such, the police is on the 3rd speed dial of my cell phone.

Not that that would help me here.

"Hm.. really?"

"Yeah, really. That was a joke."

She paused for a moment, apparently deep in thought.

"That certainly isn't a bad name though.."

Remember the whole "IQ lower than Japan's birth rate" thing?

I wasn't kidding.

Four hours had passed since my somewhat rude awakening in Pastel Hell. This "Twilight Sparkle" character informed me that it's name was "Equestria," but I stand firm to my naming sense. Pastel it was, and hell it was even more so.

I sat on the couch I had woken up in, the jacket of my school uniform discarded over the armrest as the room had gotten somewhat stuffy. None of the other creatures were in sight, to my delight - it seems she had asked them to shoo so as to ensure that my second awakening wouldnot be as rude. Twilight Sparkle herself, on the other hand, sat (in a curious position that reminded me irresistibly of a dog)  on a cushion in front of me, clearly without the intention of following her friends out the door. However, that much was fine with me. Now that the hustle and bustle of whatever all that crap was cleared out, I could finally get down to business - and even if it took some help from this alien to do so.

It's important not to let go of the logical sequence of events, even in a frenzied or dire situation - this reaction is what separates those who, by some miracle, die when confronted with a confusing situation and those who manage. Thus, thanks to some minor explanation from Twilight, I was able to assemble something of a coherent timeline of what happened to me after the doors to my high school life closed and the gates to this reality opened.

Firstly, this purple thing for which I lacked a proper description for was, it seemed, a "pony." When she told me, I was tempted to point out to her what ponies look like where I came from - and decided it wasn't worth the questions that would undoubtedly follow ("There are ponies where you come from? Why were you so scared by us then?"). She was a mare named Twilight Sparkle, and she, while conducting a study of some rare plants in some place called the Butterfree Forrest, saw my limp and lifeless form descending from the sky above her - rather, it was actually falling at terrifying terminal velocity. But I prefer an image of my unconscious body slowly meeting the ground - daintily, almost like a feather from the wing of some angelic being - as opposed to hurtling towards the dirt like a sack of potatoes.

Twilight instinctively caught me using magic (I raised my eyebrows at this point, but I was in no position to argue considering the freak fashion show I was almost forced into the first time I woke up was made possible by magic) and assured that no harm would come to me. Having never seen a creature like me before, she was eager to bring me back home and examine me.

For the record, I'm glad I didn't get to hear what happened next, since I woke up a few hours after Twilight laid me down to rest in her residence, which resembled a library within a large tree.

So that was that. After questioning her intensely about how she had come about me, it seemingly was now her turn to ask me questions, starting with my name.. to which I had no answer.

I acted like it didn't really bother me in front of Twilight, but truthfully, I was confused out of my wits. Why couldn't I remember my own name? Is there a form of amnesia advanced enough to leave memories of my childhood, my family and friends and life back on planet Earth intact but erase my name?

Then it hit me -- hard. I wasn't at loss for just my own name, I had no idea what the name of any of my family or friends were. Their faces were fresh in my memory, warm and friendly and personal - but nameless.

I held my head in my hands and tried as hard as I could to remember.

Remember.. remember..! Who were they? What were their names?!

Just as I felt a blurry set of English letters in my mind start to rearrange and focus, pain hit me once more. It hurt in a similar manner to the "migraine" I experienced my first time waking up in Equestria. Pins and needles, from every conceivable direction, attacked my head.

"Agh..!"

I pressed my palms against my forehead in agony, the pain unrelenting and cruel.

Twilight Sparkle, whom I could not see in the darkness of my cupped hands against my eyes, spoke out worriedly,

"Are you okay?"

Is that what it looks like, moron?

But the pain was too great for me to even give her that snide reply. All I could do was focus on trying to repress the pain.

"Urhg.."

Slowly, but surely.. it was dissipating.

Then it was gone.

I released my head from my hands and realized I had broken out in cold sweat. Just what the hell was going on..?

"Hey, you.."

I looked up, remembering where I was and who's presence I was in. Her speech halted awkwardly with no name to address me with, but Twilight continued,

"That- that wasn't the first time that happened, was it?"

I looked down at my hands, still covered in sweat.

"No," I replied with a voice that sounded surprisingly hollow. I coughed, blaming it on a sore throat.

"Er-- does this world have water?"

What a stupid question. Twilight Sparkle, however, didn't seem to mind.

"Wait right here, I'll fetch you a glass."

I saw the flicker of something like pity on her features and instantly resented her for it as she unfolded her legs and trotted out of sight into an adjacent room.  Sympathy wouldn't get me out of this situation. No, it was infinitely more likely that it would do exactly the opposite.

I had to remember that, in spite of my situation, I had to keep my head. Even if these things -- ponies weren't human, they definitely were capable of driving me up a wall - thus, they were human enough in their mannerisms (or, perhaps, in spirit) for me to keep at arms length. Human enough for me to - in lay terms - scrutinize and doubt to the best of my abilities. There was no wiggle room here - I would never allow it. Not if it could be exploited and used against me.

And a moment later, she reappeared with the glass of water in question hovering ominously in front of her, supported by some amorphous-looking cloud of lavender. Magic, I assumed. It didn't surprise me anymore. I would have marveled at it, perhaps, in another set of circumstances, but right now that sorcery just rubbed me the wrong way. Made it even more obvious that this wasn't where I belonged.

"Here you are," she spoke with an almost annoyingly pert voice, but I let it pass. If this mare was anything like human girls back on Earth, then I already knew this behavior was hardwired into her system.

The pony reseated herself on the cushion in front of me and seemingly gestured the glass to edge closer to me. It was suspended there in the air within comfortable reach - I was reminded of those corny sci-fi movies where common food and drink often appeared to people through curious little hatches.

I shook my head. Thinking of home wasn't going to get me anywhere. Right now, I needed this - rather, my drier-than-the-sahara throat did.

I grabbed the glass and tentatively took a few sips of the blue, cel-shaded liquid -- and I was taken aback.

Could this be called sweet?

I couldn’t taste any impurities at all in that small cup. That faintly sweet and fresh flavor that lingered on my tongue made me no longer want to buy mineral water from convenience stores ever again.

I downed the entire glass in two great gulps and felt instantly refreshed. If there was any fatigue remaining in my system, that revitalizing liquid had chased it out, pitchforks and torches and everything. I don't know exactly what was up with this world, but it's water was superb - or it's filtering systems at the very least.

"Well, you certainly look like you enjoyed that!"

Twilight's voice caught me unguarded.

I glared at her in response. She flinched slightly under the guise of my skewering stare ("if looks could kill" as they say), but her smile only turned from a bright one to a slightly quivering one.

She was still treating me like some interesting sample. A lab rat.

I set the small glass upon a coffee table to my left.

"Okay."

I cleared my throat.

"I'm only going to say this once, so you had better listen closely."

Twilight looked like she already was, so I continued.

"I don't belong here. I might not remember now where and how it happened, but trust me, something took place and now I'm here when I should be in a place called school, in a galaxy called the Milky Way, on a planet called Earth, and in a country called The United States of America."

Not to my surprise, Twilight's expression was heavily betraying her desire to probably ask questions like what "Earth" stood for or whether this "Milky Way" posed some threat to the lactose intolerant. I continued on,

"In short, my being here is unnatural. It was never meant to happen. I'm still banking on the chance that all of this is a bad dream and I'll be waking up any second now, but.."

..I'd already thrown that idea out the window. That pain was too realistic to be a figment of my imagination, much less of my nightmares.

"I can't let my guard down. At least not right now.. so while I'm here, I want you to keep this in mind --"

Here's where the impressive part would come. I know this routine like the back of my hand - it's an intimidation tactic I would often use on people back on Earth. Of course, I'm no bully; there are simply circumstances in which you have to make your authority clear.. who the hell am I kidding? Whenever there were kids making a fuss in the waiting section at our family's salon, the responsibility to quiet them down nearly always came down to me, as it seems we were constantly understaffed. Laymans terms, Twilight Sparkle was tinier than me, so I was without doubt that this would scare her into submission if nothing else. I would stand up from my seat, stared down imposingly upon the guise of Twilight Sparkle, and let out a menacing slew of words that would tell her exactly how I feel about her and about being here--

"I've got it!" she yelled triumphantly,

I was intimidated instead. In the midst of extremely deep and calculative thought, her loud, nearly rambunctious shout caught me severely off guard. It took everything I had not to topple over in this already tiny sofa - and even still, I wasn't able to prevent that.

"Oof!"

I felt the wind go out of me as my severe flinch caused the legs of my support to lose balance, sending me toppling directly onto my back.

"O-oh no! Are you alright? I'm so sorry!"

I groaned - son of a bitch, I hurt -- but, mysteriously, the level of discomfort in that moment came nowhere near the extremity of the agony of my headaches. I don't know what that was supposed to tell me, and frankly, I couldn't care less. With a defeated groan, I rose unsteadily to my feet and righted the sofa to it's proper place.

"What, pray tell, did you 'get' just now?" I grunted as I sat back down, deciding not to answer her question.

"Well, I was just thinking.. your name."

"--?"

"It should be, beyond reasonable doubt.."

She seemed ready to wow me with something.

"Colt!"

I stared.

Twilight Sparkle's triumphant smile was suffering another bout of quivering.

"W-well, I mean.. I was j-just thinking.."

That was your first mistake, but go on.

"..the way you speak, the way you move, every mannerism of yours is just so.. masculine," she continued with something deep and imploring in her voice, "I can't imagine a better name for you, in the meantime, than Colt!"

I sighed. Not only had she totally sidetracked me, but it was to tell me that my name, of all the most important assets to a living being, should be "Colt"?!

I crossed my arms.

"Rejected."

"What?"

"Rejected. That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, now let me finish--"

"Oh, come on!"

Twilight rose to her feet-- hooves, I mean, a glint of defiance in her eyes.

And for the first time since I met this creature, she actually began debating with me.

"If you have no name, then talking with you becomes that much harder! And if I'm to help you with your predicament, then you have to give me something to go on!"

"Listen, I know what you want to tell me. From what I've gathered, I understand that you don't like Equestria at all so far - and I understand that too. You haven't seen all of it yet, you haven't experienced it the right way, you just got off on the wrong.."

She glanced down at my feet.

"..your first experience here wasn't awesome. In fact, you were positively overwhelmed! I would be too if I were in your.."

She glanced down at my feet again.

I cleared my throat.

"They're called sneakers."

"Right, in your sne.. snee.. snee-kerrs! So please, if you don't like 'Colt' then we can compromise! You can even come up with one on your own, but unless I-- no, unless Equestria has something to call you, then we won't get anywhere!" Her voice was starting to crack. "To start, I don't even know what kind of animal you are! I mean- I mean, yes, sure, 'human,' great, but what in the name of Celestia am I supposed to gather based on a vague dictionary definition? This is the first time I've ever encountered an organism of your kind and your body structure is just so interesting and even the way you appeared from the sky in the Everfree Forest raised a million questions but I never got the chance to think about it more and your ability to process and speak and do all sorts of things that ponies can do has been nagging me for hours now but I restrained myself and now you're here telling me I--!"

I can say I honestly wasn't expecting this. She sounded genuinely hurt.

"Okay, okay, calm down! Relax!"

In something like blind panic, I settled my right hand on top of Twilight Sparkle's head - another tactic I used at the salon to settle down the kids. But kids were kids and ponies were ponies - I was about to flinch backwards a second time at my stupid, instinctive response but..

..Her hair felt good. Surprisingly good. I couldn't tell if it was color treated or not because, by all accounts, everything in this world was a rather odd color but Twilight Sparkle's mane was smooth, well-kept - yet, voluminous and vibrant at the same time. Back at home, only an expensive set of different shampoos and treatments could help you attain this level of healthiness and shine - I know this since, whenever I helped out back at home, a few, rare customers would come in with hair like this. I would, at first, handle them with a stupidly fragile touch, afraid to break the heavenly barrier that surrounded the hair like a glass vase on a tall shelf. Over time, with the help of my mother, I learned how to brush it, comb it, wash it, dry it, cut it, and generally handle it with brimming confidence. It was part of our family's pride - whatever we did, even if it was a lowly occupation like hair styling, we did it to the very best of our abilities. Even if it was coping without a father to support our family financially, we braved through difficult times with everything we had. Even if..

Letting those moments flood back to me, all those memories playing in front of my eyes like a projector inside my own head; the face of my mother, that deep pit of excitement and child-like wonder in my heart upon learning a new skill and practicing it in front of a proud parent, and countless other things..

Absentmindedly, I let my fingers comb through Twilight's lavender and champagne pink mane, gently yet firmly maneuvering through each individual strand of hair like I had practiced countless times. The silky and soft feeling tickled my hand as I brushed a lock of this lush, beautiful hair - this sensation felt like home, and I was entranced by it.

"I- I.. ah.. u-uh.. um.. uh.."

So entranced, in fact, that I had completely forgotten where I was and whose hair - mane, rather - I was handling carelessly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. A full 10 or 15 seconds must have passed while my head was stuck in the clouds.

Twilight Sparkle, in the meantime, had stood completely still while this took place, her eyes wide with surprise. Her voice quivered and stuttered like a broken radio - a six paragraph essay was stuck in her throat, it seemed, filtering anything coherent and instead releasing a slew of somewhat audible words and oddly cute noises through her gaping mouth. Her features were flushed a dainty pink, and the sight of her irresistibly reminded me of..

..I'm not sure. It made me feel weird to think about. What I was sure of, however, was that I had certainly messed up in some way.

The flinch that I should have given credence to a moment earlier took hold of my body now as I retracted my hand and the rest of me away from Twilight Sparkle.

"Err," I started awkwardly, "H-how should I put this.."

I scratched the back of my head like an idiot.

"I'm.. sorry?"

If this were literally anyone else in this three-dimensional plane of existence, they would take my half-assed apology as a personal insult and most likely call the police - or taken it upon themselves to personally beat the living shit out of me. In the case of Twilight Sparkle, however..

"I-it's fine," she responded with a faint voice, feeling the part where I had stroked her mane with her hoof. "I was just a little.. surprised."

An awkward moment of silence passed between us. I decided it was, despite the circumstances, best to move on.

I let a heavy sigh escape my lips as I sat back down on the sofa behind me (Twilight doing so as well with her cushion), and broke the air with my voice,

"Colt is fine. I am, undeniably, male after all, so it's not the worst you could do.."

Twilight looked up at me and a glimmer of hope passed over her features as I continued,

"I'll take that name on, then. If it really makes it that much easier.."

She was eager at the chance to jump in,

"It sure does! You bet it does!"

I paused.

"..Then that's fine. From now on, as long as I'm alive in Pastel Hell--"

"Equestria."

"Yeah, Requestria, whatever. As long as I'm living and breathing in this.. uh, place, my name is Colt."

Crap, this was embarrassing.

I looked back at Twilight.

"Is this good enough for you?"

She looked happier than she had any right being as she beamed and vigorously nodded twice.

I was able to wake up in this world with the consciousness of me, myself, a human being. While I could not remember my name, I had sure and true memories of having been born someplace totally different. Whether it’s because of some irregular, wild incident or a certain person’s will, I probably existed here to.. complete a mission - is the farthest I'm willing to extend my imagination. But I had no interest in that.

My name is Colt. I'm going to find a way to get back home, and I'm going to remember my real name if it kills me.

After all (and I'll admit it just this once), "Colt" certainly does sound cool. The name reeks, almost, of masculinity, the image of a smoking pistol and a the guise of some kind of magnificent horse coming to almost immediately to mind - but for my face, with my eyes that look like that of a dead fish's, and my equally as rotten character..

A name like Colt..

Really, it was much too cool for the likes of me.

As Expected, There's No Such Thing as a Dream Come True.

1: My Name is Colt END