Equestrian Sniper

by Jesse Coffey

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Human, Dark, Alternate Universe, Romance, Comedy
Length: 1056

A delta sniper shot and killed in Iraq is suddenly transferred to the magical land of Equestria. Along the way he makes new friends who are faced with a dilemma: Given what he was put on Earth to do, how can we make this guy learn love and peace?

A delta sniper shot and killed in Iraq is suddenly transferred to the magical land of Equestria. Along the way he makes new friends and these friends attempt to make him learn love and peace. But how can they, when all he was put on earth to do is make war not love?

Parody of Equestria's Dangerous Sniper by whiskeycharlie141, alias Wesley Connor. Certain parts of this story feature coloured text and are indicated by (C) after the chapter name.

This fanfiction has been classified as TEEN for containing slight gore, cartoon violence and comic mischief.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-05 03:29:05 UTC

And Now Ladies and Gentlemen, Our National Introduction (C)

I was seventeen years old when I enlisted in the Army. I was an Airborne 3rd Ranger Battalion. It was so damn hard for me to learn basic training. Do you want to know why? Well, it's because I apparently am as clueless about basic training as the people who are apparently having this story shoved down their throats. However, it was so hard that I managed to pass it anyway! I then became a shoot sharper - er, sharp shooter. I thank God for this gift he gave me and for some time to play outside and for the birds in the trees and for His love that's deep and wide and for the air that I breath and for my friends and family and that's why I say thanks every day. Now I may be a little bit sac-religious here, but at least I know that's what I thank God for! Then I was elected to the Delta Force, or the Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta, or SPOD-D. I'm about to give it a Between The Lions-type twist. Between the Lions is one of PBS Kids' most popular programs during my time as a sniper. Here we go! Sp............od-D! Sp.........od-D! Sp......od-D! Sp...od-D! Sp. Odd-D. Spod-D! Spod-D! Isn't that a fun acronym to pronounce? The Department of Defense formerly called it a Combat Applications Group (CAG). Let's add an extra E to the acronym. There! CAGE. Another nice pronounceable acronym, ain't it? I've done many missions in Afghanistan and Pakistan that I am now very sad I've done. Especially situations that have mixed innocent's civilians and my fellow brothers in arms involved with rather lamentable bleeding. I have seen many who are dead right before my eyes. While I was in Ramadi, my platoon and I were engaged by insurgents who apparently allowed us to get picked off one by one. Then I got killed. Wait a second. Did I get killed? Because, last time I checked, if one were killed, one would not go into a long monologue by now, right? Since then, apparently somebody kicked me off to a magical, colourful land of anthropomorphic ponies and other kinds of living things. People call it many things. For this and all other such stories, we will refer to it as Equestria. Because that's what it is. Anyway, how are you doing? My name is Sergeant First Class Edward Thomas of the United States Army 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta. You can call me Mister Ed if you'd like. And if you want to, you can sing that song about a horse being a horse being a horse of course. That has ties to Mister Ed. Anyway, this is my story. Oh, and by the way, here's my picture, in case you were curious about what I look like:

A Sniper Dies (C for some words)

09:36:39 A.M. in Ramadi, Iraq

U.S. Army 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta

‘Shadow Two-One

It was windy and raining today. Someone must have taken bites out of Charms candies, which it's bad to do. But hey! What do they have to do with this part of the story? Anyways, my unit and I swept the streets. The job only took the work of four men who are much better suited to other stories. From what I've heard, Marines had been ambushed in a building with nobody in it and were to pull back and send us to eliminate the insurgents. They were intended to find and kill bad folks. I carry my tan painted M4A1 fitted with M203 grenade launchers. My officer in command carries a M4 fitted with a M203 with a vertical foregrip is mounted underneath the launcher, AN/PEQ-2 IR Designator and ACOG sight fitted with a Docter mini-reflex sight and the radio. Our weapons dealer has an M16A4 with an ACOG sight, AN/PEQ-15 IR designator, and an M203 grenade launcher. Our medic has a M4A1 fitted with an ACOG scope, AN/PEQ-2 IR designators, RIS foregrips, and tan paintjob. And this has been our military gear collection. Thank you for watching! We'll see you later.

As they walk down the streets, they see houses full of randomly assorted civilians. Civilians are another word for people who live in places. Their commanding officer said, at first real quietly then real loudly, "On my mark. Three…Two…One…BREACH!" The one who wrote this story before I got to this part told him to calm down, but that he'd do what that guy said.

He then proceeded to kick down the door. He and the weapon specialist - what else is he to apparently do here - took down all three of the insurgents after going room to room, sometimes posing as door to door salesmen (probable answer from door: "Hi! I'm Eddie Thomas of Eddco! And, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to show you the greatest military appliance ever made ... the Snipe-O-Matic! All the Military's enemies, such as apparently you, chopped to perfection without shedding a single tear! When chopping the enemies with this machine, the only tears we will shed will be tears of joy!" Then there were three tangos. They were having so much fun you could do them! We went upstairs to the room and unfortunately ruined the fun by tearing two of them down. Then there came the call, "Area Clear!"

"Commander, this is Shadow 2-1 Actual. Our building has been cleared and our clearance sale for this building has been a success!"

"Negative 2-1. We picked up a lot of the insurgents that have gone in and out of this building."

"Are we being supported? Did you like what I said about this building?"

"Negative 2-1. Also, this is a shooting, not a clearance sale, or a going out of business sale or anything of the type! Stop being so fucking silly!"

"Then what the fuck do we fucking have?!?!"

"We have a non-sensical story in need of less sense. So, in order to get here, here comes a Ranger QRF to get you guys. ETA 30 mikes! Sit tight."

"Roger. Shadow 2-1 Actual out."

Within a few minutes, several microphones show up on the ground.

"Guys, when I said 30 Mikes, I did not mean 30 microphones! Pick those up from the ground please!"