Discussions About a Human

by FriendlyTwo3

Rating: everyone
Tags: Sad, Other, Tirek, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4523

A human has appeared in Equestria. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and the Element bearers must discuss what do with him.

This is a collection of meetings and letters between Princess Celestia, Luna, Twilight, and other notable characters regarding Robert Wolfe, a human who has mysteriously appeared in Equestria. They will try to understand this being and find him a way home.

Published 2015-06-04 16:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-08 02:09:25 UTC

What is a huh-men?

“My friends, you know why you are here,” Celestia says, a firm tone in her voice, “A stranger has come into our world. He seems harmless enough, but we can never be sure. He calls himself Robert Wolfe. A human I believe he said.”

Seven ponies sit around a large golden round table. Three of them wear crowns on their heads. A small purple dragon sits beside the smaller of the three princesses on a small wooden chair. A midnight blue Alicorn sits beside her porcelain white sister. The other five ponies are the former bearers of the Elements of Harmony. Not quite royalty, but just barely. A few days prior, during a nasty lightning storm, a strange creature knocked on the doors of Castle Twilight Sparkle, naked and cold. The princess gave him shelter and a large blanket as a coat, but kept wary of him. The next day, she brought him, her five closest friends, and her advisor to the highest ruling being of the land, Celestia. The creature was sitting outside the meeting room, cloaked in a large quilt and rapidly-made shoes. Guards were trained on him, ready for any move he might make. He sat quietly with his fingers interlocked.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was the first to speak.

“He seems to be just as confused as we are. I had a long time to talk with him. He even started crying.”

“It’s an easy act to fake,” spoke Princess Luna, “Any simpleton could fake a few tears.”

“Actually, princess,” said Applejack in her thick southern drawl, “I was watchin’ him while y’all were talkin’ with him. He seemed pretty genuine-ta me.”

“As was Discord to us,” said the lunar princess. The room fell silent for a moment. After a short time, Princess Celestia spoke again.

“Let’s discuss his race,” she said, placing a gold-clad hoof on the table.

“He seemed like some type of ape,” said Fluttershy the Element of Kindness quietly, “Like a chimpanzee, only much bigger and without any fur. Except on his head.”

“I agree," said Celestia, “On his world- Earth I believe he called it- humans may have evolved to the point where fur and sharp teeth are no longer required. Though I ponder the point of a bipedal stance.”

“We should note the technological advances of his kind,” said Twilight, “He said something earlier about ‘cars.’ That they work something like carriages, only fuel-powered.”

“What kind of weapons do you think they have?” asked Spike, the little dragon. Princess Luna tensed up at this question, and her elder sister noticed this. She spoke quietly to her.

“He has none here, sister.” This reassurance seemed to work, as Luna’s shoulders dropped a little. “They have most likely evolved quite a bit,” she said a little louder, “If their sharp canines have gone.”

“And we have no idea whether or not they’re a peaceful species,” said Rainbow Dash, fluttering her wings a bit, “They could be bent on conquering worlds or something like that. We don’t know.” Beside the sky-blue Pegasus sat a bubble gum pink Earth pony, her brow furrowed and her lips pouted upwards. Her hoof stroked her beard, which was actually just her hair pulled down to her chin. She wore a golden monocle on her left eye.

“Miss Pie,” Celestia said softly, a warm smile on her face, “Have you anything to add?” Pinkie Pie, continued to stroke her pseudo-beard in thought. Suddenly, she leaped up onto the table and threw aside her monocle.

“He’s a HUNK!” she exclaimed, propping herself on her two front hooves. Her hind legs came down gently on the table as every pony and dragon in the room stared at her. After a few moments, her wide smile shrunk into a nervous one. “A. . . hunk of. . . ape?”

“Pinkie,” whispered Rainbow Dash. Pinkie looked at her. “Sit down.” Pinkie slumped back into her seat.

“Yeah.”

“Anyway,” spoke Applejack, eyeing her pink friend, “Givin’ we let him stay with us, where’n tarnation’d he stay?” Celestia pondered this for a moment.

“Miss Rarity,” she said, turning to the alabaster Unicorn, “You’ve been awfully quiet.” Rarity looked at the princess, and then at the table.

“I’m sorry. Just lost in thought I suppose.”

“On what? Gonna make him a dress?” Rainbow Dash asked across the table. Rarity immediately fumed.

“Oh, please! A dress on his form? A suit and a tie would look simply stunning on a figure such as his! The bipedal form is one I’ve always wanted to work arou--”

“Enough!” yelled Princess Luna, stomping her hoof on the table and startling the ponies, “These conversations have been going nowhere. We’ve yet to decide on any single thing about this creature.”

“Agreed,” said Celestia with a small nod.

“Then why not just vote?” asked the baby dragon, “It’ll be faster.” Again, Celestia nodded.

“Does that sound alright?” she asked the ponies. They all nodded in compliance. “Very well then. All in favor of allowing the human to be with us?”

“Aye,” said Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Spike.

“Opposed?”

“Nay,” said Luna and Rainbow Dash (Rainbow Dash was quite a bit louder though).

“Miss Fluttershy?” Fluttershy paused, and then quietly said:

“Aye.”

“Very well. The human stays in Equestria. All in favor of the human staying under constant surveillance?”

“Aye,” said all in attendance, except the yellow Pegasus. She looked at the ground unsurly, then said softly:

“Aye. . . I guess. . .”

“Very well,” Celestia said once again.

“Now comes the question of who will house the beast,” said Luna, the last word said with a bit of disgust.

“Luna,” said Celestia sternly, “The human has committed no crimes. He will be treated as a guest until proven otherwise.”

“As you wish,” said Luna, “But my query still stands.”

“I think it should be Fluttershy,” yelled Rainbow Dash, “She takes care of monkeys all the time!.” At this, Fluttershy shrunk into her seat.

“Um. . . Uh- Uhh. . .” Fluttershy stammered.

“I think she should,” said Applejack, “She knows howta take care of critters.” Fluttershy continued her broken speech.

“Fluttershy,” said Celestia softly, “If you do not wish to house this human, you are not in any way required.” Fluttershy ceased her stuttering and looked up at the princess, then looked down at the table. After a few moments and much pondering, she spoke.

“Um. . . I. . . I’ll take care of him.” A few ponies sighed, some because the human had a place to stay, some because they didn’t have to house him.

“Good,” said Celestia as she nodded. “Now comes his clothing.” At once everypony looked at Rarity. “I assume you wouldn’t want him to run around in a blanket and slippers.”

“Absolutely not!” yelled Rarity as she laid a hoof on her chest, “That would be absurd! Poor thing. I will get to work the moment I get home!” Applejack and Twilight chuckled to themselves.

“I’ll help you!” said Spike hastily. Celestia tried to hide a chuckle herself.

“Then we have that settled,” she said, amused.

“Wait,” Rainbow Dash piped in, “What do huh-mens even eat?”

“Apes are omnivores,” said Twilight, raising a hoof. Rainbow Dash stared at her blankly.

“Meaning,” said Fluttershy softly, “They eat plants as well as meat.” Everyone in the room save Fluttershy and Spike shuddered at the thought of the human chasing down his prey and feasting on it like a wild beast, drinking its blood.

“Er. . . Well, I suppose Miss Fluttershy has omnivorous pets. It should be of no hassle,” said Celestia.

“Of course! I have bears and monkeys and all kinds of animals!” Fluttershy exclaimed softly. Celestia smiled.

“I believe that covers just about everything. We will have to schedule a meeting with all of the mayors of Equestria to aid in the human’s induction.”

“Wait, sister,” said Luna hastily, “There will be no induction. The human will not be staying with us. I will head the research to get it home. I’ve sat idle this whole meeting, but I’m putting my hoof down now.”

“Luna,” Celestia began.

“No, Celestia. The creature returns home as soon as possible. Princess Sparkle, you will aid me in my research.” Twilight shifted a little then nodded. “I shall gather Equestria’s top scientists. The ape should be home in no more than a few months.”

“As you wish,” Celestia said pushing her seat from the table, “I will send the word out at once.” The sun princess stood tall.

“Meeting dismissed.”

At the Castle

The large crystal doors opened, and five ponies walked into Castle Sparkle. At the forefront of the small herd was the Princess of Friendship herself. The five ponies (and the napping baby dragon on Twilight’s back) had just returned from Canterlot, where they and the celestial princesses discussed the human. They were accompanied by a timid yellow pegasus, but she had returned to her cottage with Mr. Wolfe. Twilight wanted to look through her library to see if she could find something relating to humans, and perhaps take a journey to the Castle of the Two Sisters to poke through their knowledgeable library.

“Well that went well,” said Twilight lethargically, letting her head droop a bit. The meeting had gone colder than she would have liked, mostly due to high tension between a certain pony and the visitor.

“No offense t’the princess, but what was Luna’s problem?” said Applejack, looking at Twilight for her answer. The response was given by Rainbow Dash, however.

“The problem is that this thing appears out of nowhere, talks about these nuts-o weapons and military, and just expects us to take care of him!”

“She does have a point,” said Rarity hesitantly, “That story he told us about his people's wars was quite frightful. Especially the part about Hiro- Her- Hero-”

“Hiroshima,” said Twilight, “I agree with you. These humans could prove dangerous. But we have to remember- there’s only one of him. And he’s got no weapons. What could he do all on his own?”

“Uhh, bring them all here?” said Rainbow Dash, landing on the ground firmly.

“And how you suppose he’d do that?” asked Applejack, strutting up to the Pegasus.

“Maybe he’s got super- universe altering powers that can warp his whole planet here!” said Pinkie Pie, waving her two front hooves in front of her forehead mysteriously, “Maybe that’s how he got here in the first place!”

“Pinkie,” sighed Twilight, “If humans had matter altering powers, every Unicorn in Equestria would be able to pick up on it. Besides, Robert is an evolved great ape. Apes don’t evolve powers.”

“It’d be cool though,” muttered Pinkie. With a quick rub of her head, Twilight started off toward her library, which she had recently had put in.

“You girls can go do whatever. Join me if you want,” she said, and trotted toward her library. It was a short journey, and she arrived in just a few moments. She opened up her reference book and began skimming through it. As she looked through the list of the contents in the library, she heard a soft clopping sound coming toward her. Turning around, she saw Applejack trotting toward her.

“I was hoping somepony would come with me,” said Twilight, relieved she had a pony to converse with.

“The others headed on home,” said Applejack, fanning herself with her hat, “Plus, I know ya’ll wanted to talk about Robert.”

“You and Celestia were the only ones to call him by his name,” said Twilight, looking back at her book. “I’m a good judge of character. I don’t think he means any harm.”

“Well, you are the Princess of Friendship. Only natural.”

“I guess. I just don’t understand the hostility towards him. Rainbow I can understand, but Luna just seemed different. I know her, and she isn’t usually that untrustworthy.”

“She’s just lookin’ out fer her ponies, same as the rest of us,” said Applejack, nudging Twilight a bit, “He only showed up last night. Still a bit of a shock to all of us.” Twilight continued to look through the book, before she poked a spot on the page with her hoof.

“I think I found where to look.” Twilight nodded toward a spot on another level of the library. The two mares began walking toward it. “Do you think she’ll warm up to him?”

“We don’t know just yet what to warm up to. Give it time.”

“What did you think of him?”

“I thought he was a nice feller. Hopefully he calms down soon. Can’t have ‘im all shaky all’eh time.” Twilight came to a stop at the top of the stairs. She walked over to a wall of books and began skimming through them. Every few moments she would pull out a book, skim through the pages muttering the words “Bipedal. . . ape”, then put it back. This continued for a time until Twilight out a loud sigh.

“Nothin’?” Applejack asked, tilting her head.

“Nothing. All I can find is info about chimps and gorillas. It would help if he told me his scientific name.”

“Wanna go ask ‘im?”

“Normally I’d say yes, but I think Robert needs some sleep,” said Twilight, looking down at the floor, “I’m gonna keep browsing through here. You can head home if you want.” Normally Applejack would decline so she could stay with her friends. But she knew how Twilight got when she got stumped by something. Sometimes it’s best to leave her friend to her thoughts. So Applejack reluctantly agreed and made off for home.

Twilight continued to skim through textbook after textbook after novella after fairy tale.

“Come on, Robert,” she muttered to herself, “Give me something.”

Dear Robert, from Luna

Dear Robert Wolfe,

I must apologize to you for how I treated you at Canterlot Castle. It was unjust and unnecessary. I am still learning to control my temper after a few recent events, which I do not wish to talk about. My demeanor was so cold because I worry about the citizens of my kingdom. While I cannot say I am not wary of you, I can say I am willing to treat you as a guest. And fret not; writing this letter was of my own accord, not my sister’s.

I am also writing you to inform you of events in the following months. You are to remain in Ponyville under the care of Miss Fluttershy. If there is anything you need, I’m sure she will oblige you. If you need anything of my sister or I, simply locate Princess Twilight Sparkle’s assistant, Spike the Dragon, and request to send a letter you have written. In a few days, my sister will be in Ponyville to announce your arrival, so you won’t be treated as a beast, and rather a citizen of Equestria. I hope the citizens take your arrival better than I have. . .

I trust you have received the clothing from Miss Rarity. Count yourself lucky, Mr Wolfe. Miss Rarity is one of the most elegant seamstresses in all of Equestria, and my personal favorite tailor.

Onto the topic of your funds. As you are aware, our national currency is counted in gold pieces known as bits. They come in different values. Bits of one, five, ten, and twenty. Over the course of the next few months, you will be supported by the Royal Treasury for food, clothing, and other necessities. And I trust you will be paying Miss Fluttershy for her hospitality. But if you are not home in six months time, I suggest you find a place to work. It is not healthy to be fed and not feed yourself. Remember, Mr Wolfe. Six months is what you have been allowed.

This concludes my letter, Robert Wolfe. If you have any questions,you know how to reach us. Any letters you get back will be from Princess Celestia. Once again, I apologize deeply for treating you as a whelp. I will be much kinder in our next meeting. Until then, farewell, Mr Wolfe.

Yours truly,
Princess Luna

"What am I doing here?"

“Well? How bad was it?” asked Rainbow Dash, flying beside Fluttershy as the two walked toward Ponyville square. The blue Pegasus had a look of anticipation on her face not unlike that which Rarity dons when she engages in gossip. Fluttershy, however, had a look of gentle content present on her face. It was a rather nice day out.

“Oh, not bad at all,” spoke Fluttershy, a slight bounce in her step, “It was actually quite lovely.” Rainbow Dash was stricken with surprise. She had expected the hoo-man to wolf down all of her food and poop on the carpet.

“You can’t be serious,” she said, planting a hoof firmly on her snout.

“I am. Mr Wolfe engages in some very nice conversation, once you get him out if his shell.”

“He didn’t clear out your whole kitchen? The guy looked starved to the bone!” Rainbow landed in front of Fluttershy, causing her to halt her stride.

“He actually ate very little. Even when I offered him some meat.”

“He’s probably biding his time to eat it all when you’re asleep,” said Rainbow, flapping her wings and hovering above the ground once again.

“Rainbow? Aren’t you the Element of Loyalty--” began Fluttershy, but Rainbow cut her off.

“Loyalty is earned, Shy. Not handed out.”

“No offense,” whispered Fluttershy, “B-but you’re the only one of us who doesn’t like Robert.”

“Only one?!” shouted Rainbow, “Did you even hear Luna yesterday?!”

“Actually,” said Fluttershy with newfound confidence, “We received a letter from Luna last night. She apologized for how she acted and was very mature about the matter.”

“And you’re saying I’m not mature?” asked Rainbow, flying close to Fluttershy’s face. The timid Pegasus’ confident demeanor vanished as she shrunk under Dash’s glare.

“I-I-I never said that. . . I was just saying--”

“What? What were you saying?”

“That. . . u-um. . . That you should give Robert a chance. . .”

“You take care of the animals, Shy, not me,” said Rainbow, turning away slightly. With a sideways glance at Fluttershy, she continued, “I seem to be the only one that sees the risks here. I’m looking out for you girls here.” And with that, she took off into the sky. Fluttershy watched as her friend flapped into the distant sky and out of sight. With a long sigh, she continued her trek toward Ponyville, only now with a darker demeanor.

A soft chime echoed throughout the empty boutique as Rarity worked on an article of clothing. She glanced through a pair of red glasses at a recently finished sketch on a large table, then back to her work, marking a future cut line. The sketch was that of a purple jacket designed for a certain bipedal alien. She glanced back at the sketch, then to her half-finished jacket, and up into her thoughts. Tapping her chin with the pencil and glaring back at her work, she finally spoke.

“Yes, violet is definitely his color,” she mumbled, and went back to work. A knock was heard at the door. “One moment, please!” Rarity called out. Tying off her current string, she stepped back and looked at the jacket. A large emblemized “R” on the front pocket. Nodding at her work, she discarded her glasses on the table and scurried toward the front door. She opened it with her magic to find one of her best friends standing there, Fluttershy.

“Fluttershy, dear!” said Rarity, stepping aside to allow her friend in, “You haven’t dropped by in a while!”

“I haven’t had the chance,” muttered Fluttershy, stepping in, “I’m sorry.”

“Think nothing of it, darling. So,” Rarity said, laying on her large red sofa as Fluttershy sat in a velvet chair, “What brings you by this lovely morning?”

“I wanted to talk to you about Robert.”

“Oh, how is he? I must say, his human form is a very interesting one to work around. I hope he didn’t mind my measuring last night. It did get ghastly awkward.”

“He’s fine. He said he didn’t mind too much as long as he didn’t have to walk around in a blanket.”

“So, dear, what is it you wanted to discuss?”

“What do you think of him? Of Robert?”

“Well,” said Rarity slowly. The Unicorn looked to the wall, then at the floor. “It’s a tad early to tell. I did just meet him yesterday. He certainly seemed very nice, if a bit quiet. What do you think of him?”

“He’s extremely distraught. It took me hours to get him to talk.”

“That’s fairly understandable. He was ripped from his homeworld.”

“He’s very sweet. Angel only tried to beat him up a little.”

“Well, that’s. . . something, I suppose.”

“Robert told me about his life. He lived in a city called Binghamton in a place called New York.”

“Did he have a job?”

“Oh yes. He worked at a children’s restaurant called. . . um, I think it was called Chester Cheese. He was a security guard. But he quit for some reason.”

“A security guard, eh? Interesting,” said Rarity, peeking into her work room, the door of which was slightly ajar. She could see the unfinished jacket.

“By the way, um, did you finish his clothes?”

“Oh yes,” said Rarity, lighting her horn in a blue aura. A neatly folded stack of clothes floated toward Fluttershy. “Here they are.” Each article floated into the Pegasus’ lap as Rarity called them out. “One white cotton shirt with short sleeves, one black cotton shirt with long sleeves. One blue cotton shirt with long sleeves, one red silk shirt, three pairs of cotton underwear, three pairs of polyester leggings. One pair of red silk leggings. Two pairs of leather shoes.”

“Um, Rarity? This is all very lovely, but Robert didn’t ask for most of this.”

“And let him walk around in one clothing set for weeks? Pishaw! You tell Mr Wolfe he can expect another set in just a few more days.” With a soft giggle, Fluttershy stood up and placed the clothing on her back, unfurling her wings a bit to steady the stack.

“I should go. It was wonderful to drop by again.”

“And it was lovely to have you again. We really should visit the spa again soon.” Rarity kissed her friend on both of her cheeks and escorted her out. Fluttershy trotted toward her cottage as Rarity waved to her.

Fluttershy was in front of the stream in front of her cottage when she was stopped suddenly by a force landing in front of her at a high velocity. The wind that followed the entity knocked the stack of clothes clean off her back and all over the ground, unfolded, wrinkled, and muddy. Some even went in the stream. Fluttershy gasped as she reached for the clothes. A familiar voice called out to her.

“Hey Fluttershy! I just thought of something that’ll really freak ponies out. Double. Sonic Rainboom,” Rainbow Dash said with a brash smile. She watched as her friend didn’t respond, but fumbled with the clothes on the ground. “Oh jeez,” Rainbow muttered, looking away, “Really sorry ‘bout that. Need some help?”

Fluttershy continued to pick up the now dirty and wet clothes. She sighed very quietly.

“No, no. I-I can get it.”

“Cool,” said Rainbow, flapping into the air, “So like I was sayin’. . . Say, who’s clothes are those? Sorry for getting ‘em wet.”

“They’re, um. . . Robert’s. . .”

“Oh,” said Rainbow, floating into a lounged position, “So it’s no big deal.”

Fluttershy froze a bit. For whatever reason, that remark made her blood run cold. The fact that Rainbow was flat out bullying Robert now was striking to her. She couldn’t help but feel betrayed by Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy couldn’t bring herself to respond.

“Why are we giving that thing clothes anyway? It’s an ape, right?”

“He,” Fluttershy said, picking up the last article of clothing, “Is a human. And humans require clothes.”

“Isn’t evolution supposed to make you better in the wild? Not worse?”

“It’s complicated, Rainbow.” Fluttershy was beginning to feel incredibly agitated by Rainbow’s stubbornness.

“Jeez, Fluttershy,” said Rainbow, tapping Fluttershy’s wing, “What’s the big deal? That thing’s only been here a day.” Fluttershy had had enough. In a flash, the clothes were on the ground again and Fluttershy’s wings were flapping. She was in Rainbow’s face, but was flying above the ground.

“Enough!!” Fluttershy yelled, “Robert is not a ‘thing!’ He is not an ‘it!’ He is a living breathing species, just like you and me! So stop treating him like an animal!” Fluttershy landed firmly on the ground and was walking toward Rainbow. Rainbow had a look of fright on her face, and was backing up slowly. “Maybe if you actually talked to him instead of judging him because of how he looks, you might learn something!” Fluttershy stopped walking. Rainbow’s ears were flat against her head. After a few moments of silence, Fluttershy took another step forward.

“Rainbow. . . I’m sorry. . .” Before she could say anything else, Rainbow Dash flew into the sky towards her home. Fluttershy could only watch as her friend disappeared into the blue afternoon sky. Fluttershy plopped onto her rear, hung her head, and began to cry softly.

What she didn’t see was a figure standing behind a slightly open door. The figure sighed, ducked his head, and closed the door, muttering a single, solitary question to himself. . .

Of Grief

A pair of gleaming eyes shown through the darkness of the prison. A shadowed figure sat alone in a metal cage. A toothed smile came to his face as he felt a twinge of energy within him. He felt anger and sadness. He felt the shockwaves of tears hitting a dirt ground. He felt the flapping of wings as they carried their grief-stricken master home. He felt cold metal on his hands as they gripped a brass doorknob and shut the wooden door silently. His smile widened as he felt the pain within his pawn. The feeling of loneliness. The feeling of loss. Of grief. Of guilt.

The figure felt these feelings in his hands, then in his chest. The feelings welled up through his throat, and into his mouth. The figure reached out from the bars of the cage and grabbed a piece of dark grey fabric, one that was ripped from his cloak an eternity ago. Cupping his hands, he breathed a dark, ghastly substance into the fabric. The substance was not unlike smoke, but also akin to slime. It flowed from his lips as tobacco does from the lips of a smoker, but melted into the fabric like honey. The figure smiled again as he closed the fabric around the substance. A sickly chuckle emitted from the figure. He ceased his laughter and whispered hoarsely to himself.

“Everything according to plan.

Soon, Tirek shall rise again.”