Why going to Equestria won't work

by Kickass222urmom

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Human
Length: 2507

The reason why going to Equestria won't work by following the fanfiction's.

-Want to go to Equestria?
Yeah, so does just about every other brony.
-Do you know how to get there?
No, but there are so many fan-fictions about it.
-Great, then make a list of all the ways to get there.
Oh, good idea. Time to make a list of incorrect ways to go to Equestria and preform each one on myself!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-19 00:36:01 UTC

Intro

I wrote this to clear my writers block. Probably sucks, but I don't care. At least my writers block is gone.

This is kinda jumpy, or randomly moving from one scene to another, but I guess it's enjoyable.

Why going to Equestria won't work

Jake, a normal brony... okay, he's not a normal brony. Anyways...

Jake, a normal brony who has dreamed of going to the land of Equestria. Seriously, it's all he thinks about and talks about.

If you asked him what he was doing, he'd tell you he was going to Equestria.

And, his goal in life, not to anyone's surprise, is to turn into a pony and live with the mane six.

Oops, off topic.

Jake's house

Jake was sitting in front of his notepad, drawing a random picture of Pinkie Pie. He may not be the best, but drawing a circle, and putting another circle on that circle and putting four sticks under the first circle makes a pony. At least, it does to him.

*Bing*

Jake looked up and over at his computer, which was showing someone had messaged him on Skype.

Putting the picture down, he rolled over his bed and walked over to his computer.

He opened the chat and saw a message from one of his friends.

The message read: "Dude! There's this brand new story out! It's about a guy who goes to Equestria and actually falls in love with a pony!"

Jake rolled his eyes and replied: "That's the plot line for all human in Equestria stories. Someone needs to come up with something new."

The next message came in: "Hey! I wrote that story! You know, screw you to bro, I'm out."

His friend's status went from online, to offline.

Jake frowned and decided to be nice and read his friends story. So, he opened the internet and set out to find the story.

Eight minutes later

"So much pony!" Jake yelled as he scrolled down the page full of ponies. As he was looking for the story, he got side tracked when he saw a picture of Twilight Sparkle. That lead to him using google search to find a entire web page dedicated to ponies.

As he looked through the site, he came to a forum where a few bronies were talking about what would happen if they were sent to Equestria.

This caused Jake's imagination to run wild. And when his imagination runs wild, bad things happen.

After a little thought, and reading a story about a guy going to Equestria via car crash, he comes to a conclusion on what he was going to do that week.

Jake opened up a new thread and typed in, "What are the ways to get to Equestria?"

Twenty minutes in, he had read many comments about people who were laughing at him, because he posted the thread on a website for celebrities. To him, posting it there was a much better idea than a brony website.

Luckily for him, there was one brony there that said he should do his research on current fan-fictions.

And, thanks to his awesome computer, and reading skills, he was able to compile a list of possible ways to get to Equestria that didn't involve him dieing.

There's only one thing that can describe this plan: This can only end in failure...

Jake quickly writes down all the things on the list and smiles at it with pride.

There was only one thing that went through his mind as he looked at the list: Going to Equestria quest accepted.

The next day

Attempt one

"You're actually going to do this, aren't you?" Cody, Jake's best friend, said as he watched Jake attach the jumper cables to his nipples.

"Oh you know it! I read a story where a guy gets hit by lightening and goes there. But, since being hit by lightening will kill me, I'll do the next best thing. Car battery to the nipples!"

Cody sighed and put the key into the ignition, "Just tell me when..."

Jack clamped the last clam on his nipple, ignoring the tight pinch, and picked up the other two clamps.

"Now!" He yelled as the truck roared to life.

He held the two clamps in his hands and angled them over the two points on the car battery. He took a deep breath and clamped them on.

The sudden jolt of electricity shot through his body, causing him to fall backwards. Stiff as a board.

But, as he fell, the two clamps on his nipples were tore away from him.

After a few seconds of wheezing, he sat up and looked down at his chest.

"AHHHHHHH!"

Cody jumped down from the truck and ran over, "What?!"

Jake pointed to his chest, "My nipples! They're gone!"

Cody winced and scratched the back of his head, "Uhh, are you in Equestria?"

Jake gawked up at his friend, "What do you think?"

Attempt one failed

Attempt two

"What's next on the list?" Cody asked as he laid on Jake's bed.

Jake picked up his list and looked it over.

"Well, next up is time travel... I'll just save that one for the future." He said, checking off time travel.

"After that?" Cody asked.

Jake smiled and put the list down, "Of course! It was so obvious!"

"What?"

Jake sat down in front of his computer and smiled, "Watch!"

He then held down the control button on his keyboard, followed by the alternate key, and then the E key. Ctrl + Alt + E, it was  so obvious!

But, nothing happened. Even when he tried it again in different combinations.

"Damn it! Computer, why you so much bitch?!" He shouted randomly.

Cody laughed and sat up, "Bro, just calm down and..."

"I'll show you calm!" Jake yelled as he picked up his computer and pulled it free of all its wires, "This is me being calm!"

He ran towards his window and threw the computer through it. It smashed through the window and fell two stories to the ground.

Suddenly, someone screamed from below.

Cody and Jake ran to the window and looked down to the ground.

Down below was Jake's younger sister, the computer laying on top of her.

"You okay, sis?" Jake yelled down.

"Pain! So much pain in my lower regions!" She yelled as she rolled the computer off of herself.

"She'll be fine." Jake said to Cody. "You'll be fine! Love ya!" He yelled down to his sister.

He then leaned back into the room and shook his head, "Damn, I hate that bitch."

Attempt two failed

Attempt three

Jake stood in front of the mirror, staring at it with a intense gaze.

"And what is the point of this?" Cody asked, looking through Jake's stuff.

"If I can make this mirror my bitch, it'll turn into a portal and send me to Equestria!"

Cody picked up a shoe box, "Huh, I see..." He opened the box and smiled, "Score!"

"What?"

Cody jumped up on Jake's bed and propped the magazine up in front of himself, "Playboy, why you so awesome?"

Jake turned from the mirror and pointed his finger at Cody, "Drop my porn you... you something!"

"Later," Cody said. "Get back to going to Equestria."

Jake sighed and turned back to the mirror.

"Try chanting something." Cody suggested after watching Jake stand there for a few minutes.

Jake shrugged and began to chant, "Princess Celestia, Princess Celestia..." He continued to chant this for five minutes straight.

After a while, he gave up and turned back to Cody. "Fail..."

Cody shrugged as he continued to look at the magazine.

Jake cracked his knuckles, "Now, give me back my Playboy!"

Attempt three failed

Attempt four

"TV's, one of the best things invented. You can watch anything you want, like cartoons, action films, horror movies, and even porn if you had the money."

"But what if they're not just TV's, what if they're also portals!" Jake yelled as he looked through his recorded shows on his TV. When he came to the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic cartoons, he picked the first one on the list. A friend in Deed.

"Ugh! I hate this one." Cody commented.

Jake glared at him, "Quite you!" He then looked back at the TV, "This is the only one that could work. Pinkie Pie breaks the fourth wall a few times in this one."

Cody sighed and sat back on the couch, "And what's your plan?"

"Simple," Jake said as he pulled the Flat screen off the wall and sat it on the ground, "I'm going to jump through it and land in Ponyville."

"Oh, this can only end in pain..." Cody said as he pulled out his phone and turned on his camera.

"We'll see." Jake replied as he backed up from the TV, which was now showing Pinkie Pie going over her check list.

"Oh, we'll see." He muttered.

He waited a few seconds, waiting for the right moment. Then, just as Pinkie Pie began to pick up the large green check mark, Jake ran forward.

He jumped into the air and pulled his arms and legs in, "For Equestria!"

*Sounds of plastic and cheap metal breaking, followed by the screams of a little girl*

"Did it work?" Cody asked, still pointing the camera at Jake.

Jake stopped his girlish screams and looked at his friend with a serious face, "Oh yeah, it worked. I'm playing tic-tac-toe with Pinkie Pie as we speak!"

"Awesome!"

Jake slammed his hand into his face.

Attempt four failed

Attempt five

"On hell no! You can't be seriously thinking about doing that!" Cody said loudly as he and Jake looked at a construction site. Or, to be more specific, the porta potty.

Jake nodded, "Yep, it's the most legit way to get there. I mean, if it was able to pull Larry the Cable guy down it, I'm pretty damn sure it can pull me down it."

"Wait, doesn't that mean you'll be coming out a horses ass?"

Jake shrugged, "Hey, I got to come into that world somehow, and I think that's the most appropriate way."

"Have fun..." Cody said as he pulled a hot dog out of his pocket.

"Why do you have a... never mind." Jake said as he began to walk towards the porta potty.

After walking across the street and through most of the construction site, he came to the porta potty. Or, as he was calling it in his mind. The Portal Potty.

He reached for the handle, but before his hand touched the knob. The door swung open and a very large/heavy man stepped out.

"Ah! I feel like I just lost a hundred pounds!" He said as he took a bite of his bean burrito.

"Have fun in there kid." He said as he walked past Jake.

Jake turned and watched the man walk away.

The man reached behind himself and scratched his ass in a disturbing manor.

"Why did I look back?" Jake muttered as he stepped up into the porta potty, or, The Portal Potty!

He gulped as he looked down into the dark abyss that is the hole of crap!

He closed his eyes and put his hands on either side of the hole, "Remember, this is all for ponies..."

Jake took a deep breath and pushed himself into the hole. As soon as he was halfway through, his face slamming into something like mud... only this felt lumpy... and tasted like pure shit.

He opened his mouth to scream for help, but the 'mud' poured into his mouth.

Attempt five failed

Attempt six

"We've tried all the others. All have failed..."

"Yeah, you were covered in shit!"

"... Yes... I should have seen that one coming. Anyways, what's the best way to get to Equestria?"

"Uhhh... dieing?"

Jake shook his head, "Nope.... okay yes, but what about a none dieing way?"

"Sex?"

"We're getting off topic here." Jake said as he lifted a cooler, "No, it's getting drunk off your ass and waking up in the Everfree forest."

Cody cocked his head, "And where are we going to get drunk at?"

Jake smiled as he opened the cooler, "Why, here of course. My uncle has been so kind as to give us a entire cooler full of beer!"

Cody smiled and clapped his hands, "Awesome! I think I'll join you this time around!"

"Brohoof!" Jake yelled out as he and Cody slammed their fist together.

Cody picked up a beer and opened it, "Let's drink to ponies!"

Jake picked up a beer and did the same, "I'll see you in Equestria bro!"

Twenty three cans of beer later

Jake groaned as he slowly began to come to. He brought his hands to his face and grunted as he forced himself into a sitting position.

He put one hand on the ground and... gasped as he felt grass. He opened his eyes and looked around, but he couldn't see anything but blackness.

"Damn, I arrive in Equestria at night... Meh, I'm here. That's all that matters!" He yelled as he jumped to his feet.

He thrust his arms into the air and yelled in victory. He looked down and frowned, "Why am I naked?"

He was indeed naked. He only had on a single sock.

He shrugged, "I guess I can use this as an excuse to show Twilight my...."

A groan behind him caused him to jump and turn around quickly.

Jake saw something on the ground. He then smiled, "Well hot damn! We made it, Cody!"

"Hmmm, how's it going hot stuff." Said a rough voice.

Jake raised an eyebrow and took a step back, "Da fuck?"

The form on the ground reached over to a small object and fidgeted with it. The small object flashed to life, showing that it was a battery powered lamp. Wait...

Jake yelled in surprise as the form stood up to reveal Milo, the local gay hobo who gets drunk men to have sex with him...

Wait...

Jake screamed as he began to realize what had happened.

"Gah! What are you doing in Equestria?!" He screamed.

Milo laughed and waved his arms over the area, "Equestria? Man, this is the foot ball stadium! And dayum! We made this place echo like crazy last night!"

Jake put his hands over his member and began to sprint away, "Why?!"

Milo chased after him, "Wait! My condom is still in your ass! It's my only one!"

Jake shuddered and continued to run towards the exit.

Where's Cody?

Jake shook his head, he'll just have to find him at a latter date. Right now, he has to get away from Milo, the gay hobo!

Attempt six failed

I could do more attempts, but I've cleared my writers block. If anyone wants me to do the next part, post a comment below. And, if you'd like to see Jake attempt a stunt to get to Equestria, just post it below.