Brony: The Legendary Super Fan
“Barometric pressures rising?” Lyra galloped over to a table, picking up her toast with her mouth. “Swirling vortex of terror… Earthquakes, tsunamis, shortages of food?!” Her gabber chomped on the crispy bread as crumbs flew about her house. She motioned to a bookcase and stumbled over some strewn objects, knocking into the shelves and causing a few books to spill over. “This is disastrous!” Her hooves prodded through the piles of papers until she found a crudely sketched diagram of a tall, rounded creature with narrow eyes and a small head.
“Hastily drawn, but it’s still as accurate as ever… Glorious,” she mused, dropping it and hurrying over to a fishbowl. She examined the water and the upturned goldfish floating on the top. She stuck a hoof in the water and then pulled out, wiping it on her forehead. “Two weeks, exactly as it said,” she gasped.
A knock at her door forced her to lunge forward, spilling the fishbowl and dropping the text in her magic grasp. It dipped into the flowing fluid, but she quickly removed it and rushed over to the door.
“Lyra, are you in there?” a voice called out from outside. Lyra unlatched the chain from the door and cracked the door open. The sunlight streaked in from the outside, blinding her almost instantly.
“Why do you disturb the study?” she hissed.
“Lyra… What are you doing?” The inquiry originated from a yellow-coated mare, her puffy mane blocked some of the sunlight, and Lyra could finally look Carrot Top directly in the eyes.
“Carrot Top… You’re essential in this cataclysmic conundrum…”
“Are you hitting something right now? Like, really hard?” Carrot Top tried to force her way inside, but Lyra grabbed her hoof and dragged her in regardless. The door locked once again.
“I swear to Celestia if you do something to me—”
“The apocalypse is upon us!” Lyra shook the other mare. “Beware the Legend!”
“Th-the legend? What legend?” Carrot Top shook herself free and noticed the book in Lyra’s grasp. She reached for it, but the other mare whipped it away without taking her eyes off of Carrot Top. Carrot Top tackled Lyra to the ground and pulled the book from her grasp, chucking it on the floor after she read the title.
“That again? I thought Twilight hid this from you?”
“I found it…” Lyra inched over to it and covered the book with her body. “All the signs are there, we have to warn people about the—”
“I swear if you mention this… Legendary Super Fan one more time,” Carrot Top began, but was cut off as Lyra stuffed a piece of toast in her maw.
“He’s real!” she shouted, opening her window curtains suddenly. The sunlight poured in now, and Lyra quickly reshaded her den. “Ouch, that was dumb.”
“Oh my gosh, Lyra, this… Brony guy, or whatever… How long are you going to obsess over these stupid monkeys?!” Carrot Top shouted.
“You mark my words, Carrot Top… I’ve seen the signs, since the very first day I picked up this book.” Lyra edged closer and closer to the other mare.
“Lyra, can we just go to the market like you promised today?” Carrot pushed the unicorn back and cleared her throat. “If you’re going to preach your crazy cult theories, we need to do it in public…”
“Oh yeah…” Lyra said, trailing off as she vanished into the recesses of her home.
“Psycho…” Carrot Top sighed.
“Beware the Super Fan,” Lyra said, shoving a flyer into the saddlebag of a passerby. “Beware the Legendary Super Fan!” Her face contorted into a mass of wrinkles as Carrot Top ripped her away from another pony’s snout.
“Okay, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” Carrot Top sighed.
“The message spreads, yet they do not run. These foals will be destroyed in his destructive wake!” Lyra chuckled a little, glancing back and forth as a couple distanced themselves from her and Carrot.
“Lyra, I brought you along because you knew the recipe for an amazing apple pie,” Carrot Top said. “Noteworthy is sick of carrot stew, and I need to appease him so he can support us this winter.”
“The guy writes an okay article from time to time, yet he only pushes out masterpieces when he’s fed? Sounds like a freeloader,” Lyra scoffed.
“Ah, I see you’re beginning to come to your senses,” Carrot Top said, a smile washing over her face. “Please tell me you’ll leave this Super Fan business alone for today?”
“WAIT!” Lyra shrieked, shooting her foreleg out in front of Carrot Top. “Look at that…”
“Look at… wha…?” Carrot Top trailed off as the two mares stared intensely at the creature before them. A few feet away at an apple stand stood a large, plump figure. It appeared to be standing on two lanky legs, and its posture was almost completely vertical. It had on a black coat and a fedora, and was wearing strange dark coverings over the digitful appendages on its other pair of legs.
“A human?!” Lyra’s voice rose to an ever higher shriek. “C-could it be?!”
“No, Lyra!” Carrot Top hissed at her. “Humans are no mystery to the world of Equestria. For all we know he could just be oh my god…”
“Haaa… Haaaa!” Lyra was beginning to breathe ecstatically, and Carrot Top held her mouth agape, swaying her head back and forth.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she moaned.
“Oh, cool… more ponies,” the human said, walking up to both of them. “I just got here, so I understand if you’re shocked. I had to fight through a couple of wooden canines and a chimera to get here, but I’m finally—”
“Y-you’re him!” Carrot Top shouted, backing away slowly. Lyra was doing the same, however a shaky grin outlined her visage.
“I knew it! He’s here to kill us all!”
“Kill you? What, no way! I would never do that!” The human took his jacket off and wrapped it around his waist. His shirt, now exposed, only sent more shivers down their spines. “See, look here, it says, Brony.”
“B-b-bro…” Carrot Top stuttered.
“...N..ny?” Lyra finished.
“Yep, Brony! That means I’m your fan! I have so much of your stuff, I could be considered a super fan!” He pushed his eye glasses up and grinned. "Hey, you're Lyra Heartstrings! Hoo! Hoha! What do you think of humans? Everything you ever imagined?"
Both mares’ lungs filled with air and they released an ear-splitting cry for every pony to hear. The entire market stopped, turning their attention to the three figures in the center of the plaza. The human covered his ears and turned his head, causing his glasses to fly off somewhere into the plaza.
“Oh no!” he shouted, grabbing his face.
Carrot Top galloped forward and pushed the human down now, turning back to Lyra after he stumbled into a vegetable stall.
“Lyra, go get Twilight!” she shouted. Lyra nodded and hastily retreated, yelling along the way.
“It’s Brony! The Legendary Super Fan! The bipedal terror that will destroy all of Equestria!”
The market erupted into chaos as ponies fled from the scene, pushing and shoving each other to get away from the monster in front of Carrot Top. Brony rose to his feet and looked around, but everything was just an undulating mess. Colorful blobs bounced everywhere, and fuzzy pictures encompassed the landscape.
“Crap, I need my glasses! I can’t see without them!” He felt around, but Carrot Top beat him to the punch, scooping up his bifocals and holding them in her maw.
“Looking for these?!” she growled, letting out a snort and stamping her hooves.
“Yes,” Brony shouted, stumbling forward. He shook off some broccoli on his shirt. “I need those to see!” He ruffled his hair, and frantically took in short breaths. “Where’s my fedora?!”
“Then you can’t have them, Brony!” Carrot Top spat them on the floor and crushed them under her hooves, jumping up and down over and over again until they were nothing but bent metal and shards. “You’ll never take Equestria if you can’t see then!”
The human gasped, dropping his arms to his sides and squinting at the ground in front of the pony. “Those… those were mine.” Brony said, dropping to his knees. “They were a gift… from my father.”
“Lyra, hurry up… I got him weakened or something,” she muttered to herself.
“You… you ponies are awful,” he said, getting up now. The human had his head and shoulders slouched low, and his hands clenched in a fist. “I thought… I thought for sure I would find solace here in Equestria.”
“Oh crap!” Carrot Top backed away.
“You,” he said again, pointing at her now. “I lost my fedora because of you, and now I can’t see! You ridiculed me in front of my favorite pony, and you made me feel like a freak!”
“Y-you were going to destroy us and bring terror across Equestria!” Carrot Top argued.
“What the hell gave you that impression?!” He took a step forward, and growled. “C-carrot… Top!”
“Eep!” she squeaked, shaking uncontrollably.
“CARROT TOOOOOOOOP!!!!” Brony screamed, charging straight for her. His arms flailed wildly as he stomped and pounded into the ground with his feet.
“Gottadosomethinggottadosomethinggottadosomething!” Carrot Top shrieked, galloping backwards awkwardly. She bumped into another stall and grabbed whatever she could. Without looking, she tossed a heavy object forward and it smacked Brony in the face. He let out a cry and fell down, covered now in a viscous golden fluid.
Carrot Top turned around and read the post, Art Attack’s Magic Paint Bucket Sale: Everything 20% off!
“GAH! Carrot Top!” Brony shouted, wiping the paint from his eyes. He was yelling and stamping like a child throwing a tantrum. His hair was completely soaked, absorbing the magic paint and shining like polished gold in the sun. He was rubbing his eyes furiously, screaming Carrot Top’s name over and over again.
“Not good! Lyra where are you?!” Carrot Top bounded away, rushing past Brony. She headed towards the large tree on the edge of town.
Brony stopped rubbing his eyes, and looked around. Everything was fuzzy and red now, and his squinting made it even harder to see. He felt his shirt and gasped, looking down to barely make out yellow paint staining his beloved shirt. He took it off and tossed it aside, shouting again at the air. “CARROT TOOOOOOP!” he screamed manically, pushing his volume as high as his lungs would allow. His face was riddled with rage, and his hands shook fervently as he ran towards where he thought the stupid mare had fled.
“Lyra! Lyra! Where did you go!” Carrot Top shouted. She was quickly grabbed by the tail and pulled into an alleyway. Before she could scream, a hoof had covered her mouth and Lyra had shushed her with the longest shush she had ever heard.
“Did you manage to defeat it?” she whispered.
“Defeat it?!” Carrot Top shouted, but was again silenced, this time put in a headlock and then mouth magically forced closed.
“The prophecy said that you had to beat him, not Twilight Sparkle,” Lyra explained, holding the book up. Carrot Top’s eyes narrowed and she squirmed out of Lyra’s grapple, slapping her once, grabbing the book, and then slapping her again on the other cheek.
“You mean you didn’t get the Elements of Harmony yet?!”
“No, I tried, but Twilight said you should handle this yourself!”
“Like bull she did!” Carrot Top barked. “What did you say to her?!”
“Carrot Top! Carrot Top!” Brony yelled, turning over empty stalls and flinging wicker baskets around. He caught sight of something dashing away behind a building and quickly pursued. “Carrot Top!” He yelled, chasing after the fuzzy figure.
“Leave me alone! I’m not Carrot Top!” it said, rounding a corner. Brony barely caught himself as he turned the corner as well, taking down someone’s shutters and tearing up a flower bed as he darted down the alleyway.
“Where is she?!” Brony screamed, crashing to trashcans and stumbling over the garbage to get back up. He let out annoyed grunts and fits of rage as he chased down the other pony. Finally, Brony corned the pony, it shaking like a leaf in a maelstrom. “Carrot… Top!” he growled.
“P-please! I don’t know where she is!” the voice cried, male, but rather young. “D-don’t annihilate me!”
“Hey! Brony!” Carrot Top’s voice suddenly came from the end of the alley. He turned around, his teeth exposed, grinding side to side as his whole body shook at her sight. “Pick on somepony your own size!”
“Carrot Top,” he said, his voice drowned in disgusting gurgles. He roared at the pony and rushed her, but she dodged his assault and started to run again. “CARROT TOP!” he shouted, giving chase once again.
“I can’t believe all you told her was that he was a fan,” Carrot huffed to herself as she galloped. “Geez Lyra, you could have mentioned that he was the Legendary Super Fan from her stupid prophecy book!”
“Come here, little pony!” Brony shouted, catching up to her.
“For a big guy, you sure can go fast!” she said, looking back.
“Making fun of me still?!” he said, voice cracking at the end. “I’ll make you pay!”
Lyra, this had better work, Carrot Top thought.
She rounded a corner and led Brony to the center of Ponyville, just outside the town hall. Brony flipped and shoved every obstacle in his path between himself and Carrot Top, edging closer and closer to her despite her increased effort. She led him around the Town Hall towards the back, but slipped at the last moment, allowing Brony to grab her by the tail. He lifted her up and brought her close to his face.
“Heh… You’re not so bad up close,” she said with a small nervous chuckle.
“I never thought I would have the urge to destroy one of you ponies, but you’ve pushed me too far, Carrot Top!” Brony huffed and puffed, his face and hair a complete mess, and his pants tattered from plowing through everything in Ponyville.
“So you are here to kill us!” Carrot Top said.
“NO!” he shouted, spitting in her face. “Just you! You embarrassed me, and made me look like an idiot! I lost my clothes, and my sight, and I have no way of redeeming myself now that you’ve made my life in Equestria a living hell!”
“Well, maybe you should’ve thought of that before you came here,” another voice shouted from behind them. Brony faced the other direction, and there stood Lyra, a ball of magic energy charged in her horn.
“Do it now!” Carrot Top shouted, throwing her hind legs at Brony’s face. He let her go and stumbled, clutching his face and falling to his knees again.
“Yeeeeaah!” Lyra shouted, releasing the magic from her horn into Brony’s chest. Brony was overwhelmed by the magic, screaming and jolting back and forth as the energy licked and danced around his body.
“It’s not enough,” Carrot Top said, watching as Brony slowly got up again.
“You’re hurting the fuck out of me, what do you mean it’s not working?!” he screamed, trying to cover himself from the attack. Carrot Top furrowed her brow and stamped her hooves, letting out a powerful snort then.
“Quick, Lyra, give me your energy,” she said.
“What will that do?” Lyra said, stopping her attack. Brony stood still, lost in a daze and smoldering like a stack of charred logs.
“Just use your magic as a boost while I go for the final blow!”
“You ponies are crazy! This world is fucking ridiculous! No person in their right mind should come here!” Brony shouted, struggling to move. “I just wanted to escape from my real life!”
“Then we’ll help you escape from life altogether!” Carrot Top said, charging at Brony. He looked up and widened his eyes, bringing his arms up in defense.
“No, wait! C-carrot Top! CARROT TOP!”
“HEEEEYAAAAAAH!!!!”
Carrot Top reared her hind legs back, and swiveled her hips. Before she released, Lyra shot her with a beam of energy, causing sparks to roll off of the other mare’s body, her form decorated in glistening golden splendor. She kicked Brony in his exposed chest, the force so powerful it caused a massive crater to explode underneath them.
“I’m not… going to let you destroy Equestria!”
Brony’s screams echoed throughout the land as he took flight, repulsed by the power of magic and friendship. His form streaked across the sky vanishing far into the horizon until only a faint glimmer could be seen in the distance.
"We did it, Lyra!" Carrot Top sighed and plopped her rump down.
"The Legendary Super Fan... I can't believe you actually existed," Lyra said.
"Eh?!" Carrot Top's shriek startled the other pony. "I thought you always knew?"
"Fear makes you say crazy things..."
Lyra tossed the book and walked over to Carrot Top, placing her foreleg over her. "I'm sure we pretty much saved the day though, getting rid of a strange creature due to it's needless rampage around town."
"Yeah, you're right about that," Carrot Top said with a sigh.
Thousands of miles away, a wrecked monster lay on his back, burnt and beaten senseless by the denizens of Ponyville, whom would've been his companions in another life. A slinky creature slithered from the shadows and glided over to the human, exposing a toothy grin as it examined the brony.
"Carrot... Top!" It strained to speak even that.
"Shush, quiet now, my new friend. We have much to do," the serpent-like monster hissed. It shifted in form and undulated in physique until its body revealed the mismatched manner of its draconequus form.
"What?" Brony asked, coughing. He could feel his body relax, and his vision was leaving him altogether. "What are you... Doing?!"
Discord chuckled. "Preparing," he answered.
"For what?!"
Brony's body became encased in a cool matter. It froze over his entire form, transforming the creature into a stone figurine. Discord laughed as he shrunk the statue and placed it inside of a bag, tossing the bag then into a swirling vortex of terror.
"Why, a second coming, of course!"
