The Amisit Sanitatem Records

by UniqueSKD

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy
Length: 2075

Many, many years ago, the writings of King Sombra's lieutenant were found and kept hidden away from the public eye. Today, you will read his records...

My name is Amisit Sanitatem, and you don't have a clue who I am at all.

I don't blame you, to be honest. After all, depending on how this little war that King Sombra has started plays out, my name will probably not make it into the books of history. That, and probably because my parents had a stranger sense of humor than most other ponies do when naming their children. But I digress.

So, while I'm here in my cozy little laboratory, waiting for the newest batch of Blood Maggots to hatch - oh, what adorable little specimens they are! So affectionate too, although one should most definitely watch out for the drool, very nasty burning effects, that - I suppose I might as well do a bit of writing. Perhaps somepony will discover these and put them in a museum or some archive. Heck, they'd even make a very nice paperweight or table prop!

What to write about though…oh, I know! I think I shall write a record of my little group of delightful and wonderful friends who helped overthrow the Crystal Empire! I'll need a catchy title to start this document off…ah, but of course!

'The Amisit Sanitatem Records'. I think it has a nice flair to it, don't you?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-06 21:49:01 UTC

Page One

As I, Amisit Sanitatem, former lieutenant to the Unicorn division of the former Crystal Empire's Queens' forces - wow, try saying all that five times really fast, huh? - sit here in my aforementioned cozy little laboratory, I look out of my window at all the little crystal ponies toiling away in the streets below, preparing the defenses intended to slow the Equestrian army that our scouts have reported are hiding on the other side of the northern mountains.

They say that Princess Celestia and her sister, Princess Luna, themselves are leading the troops; a cause of slight concern for me personally if the stories surrounding their powers are to be believed, but more so if they don't like the wonderful little experiments I've been making from some 'volunteering' ponies I 'borrowed' from their kingdom. I worked hard on them and I don't want them getting broken so soon.

What can I say? We were passing by the neighborhood - excuse the horse pun there - and there they were, just asking to be picked up, stuffed in a dirty bag, and thrown into a vat full of even-I-don't-know-what. Sure, I could just have used some of the crystal ponies instead, but King Sombra says I'm not allowed to do hat anymore - thinning down the workforce means things around here don't get done. Party pooper.

Ah, King Sombra. It almost feels like yesterday you were just another foal in the court of the Crystal Palace. And your eyes didn't do that green and purple aura thing too.

What was it? A thousand years ago, perhaps, when we first met? Maybe a little longer than that, but about that long. Back during the reign of the previous ruler of the Crystal Empire, Princess Amore. Seriously, what do they have against the titles of 'queen' and 'king'? Anyway, back then, I actually served Princess Amore as one of her lieutenants, taking command of my own troop of elite crystal unicorn guards. They were well trained, always ready to respond to danger, and their horns sparkled more than that horrendous excuse of a vampire from those film I somehow know of.

I was also something of a scientist too. Experimenting away in my little workshop, playing with various potions and concoctions just to see what sort of reactions I could get. Granted, some of the time the reactions weren't very...positive, but at least I got this cool looking scar on my eye. And my head. And cheek. Pretty much all over my face, really. And the rest of my body. Mares dig a stallion with scars, right?

I don't now what your history books will tell you about Sombra later on in time, but believe it or not he was actually the general of Princess Amore's army. Yes, it's true. Who would have thought it, huh? One day the greatest evil dictator in the history of the empire is just a little foal who came to us from the frozen wastelands speaking only his name over and over again like a broken tape recorder. The next, he's a fully fledged general of a large defensive force who's also cuddling up in bed with a pretty cute mare.

What was her name....I believe it was...Radiant Hope? I really don't remember the names of the dead very good, I'm afraid. But I remember she was quite the looker. Nice rear too. Insert wolfish whistle here. Giggity.

Anyways, I was playing with my vials of goops and mictures when suddenly Sombra comes through my door, along with my then-assistant, Dark Charm. Nice fellow he was. Well, when he knew his position, that is. Always thought he was smarter than I, and often I had to teach that pest of an Earth pony a thing or two about adding extra limbs to a half-pony half-timberwolf hybrid.

"We have a situation on our hooves," Sombra said to the two of us.

"Alright, alright," I replied as I put my vial of foaming gunk down on the table, "I'll stop dumping my chemical waste in the royal swimming pool."

It was hard trying not to laugh at Sombra's and Dark Charm's looks when I said that. "What I was referring to, was a distress call from one of the villages outside of the empire boundries, but since you mentioned that little bit of information I think you and Dark Charm can go and investigate the matter," Sombra said.

"But I've important research to see to!" that little scrub Dark Charm whined.

"One of you two will go and investigate the matter, and one of you will do it now," Sombra told us sternly. His 'I am super serial serious' look wouldn't be intimidating until later on, but we'll get to that bridge and skip along it later. "I am needed by her majesty in the court, so hurry up and get going before I decide to shut down this lab and turn it into a playroom for my children."

As he turned to leave, I had to ask. "But you don't have any children?"

Sombra looked over his shoulder at me as he made for the door. "Oh, don't be so sure. With heat season approaching I'm sure I can remedy that problem," he replied with a smirk on his face. I could hear him chuckling as he magically closed the door on me and Dark Charm.

Dark Charm and I decided on a game of 'Heads and Tails' to determine who would go to find out the problem occurring outside our empire walls, but since we didn't have a coin to use, we instead resorted to flipping Dark Charm's pet experiment rat, Mr. Pointy Tooth. Unfortunately, Dark Charm's recent experiments had given the smelly rodent an extra head on its backside, which I appropriately had named Mr. Twitchy Eyes, so it was a while before we could arrive at a decision.

I ended up going. Technically, I'd have won if I hadn't accidentally severed the head and called 'Tails' beforehoof, but at least Dark Charm's rat looked normal again.

Well, save for a stump where the second head was, but close enough.

Page Two

Oh, the good old days before Sombra usurped Princess Amore and seized the throne. Ah yes, it was a time when I served a princess instead of a maniacal tyrannical dictator who traded his soul with the Devil for power over the darkness. A time when I was respected and admired despite my oddities and strange methods. A time when I helped the weak and the defenseless and didn't use them in my twisted experiments.

Dear Mother Lauren Faust, I was so bloody boring back then.

When I arrived at the village, I found it to be a rather tiny little place. Not very luxurious and the look of it all wasn't exactly appealing, but at least they had the sense to put up fires around the place. The majority of them were earth ponies, and most of them were dirtied and clothed in rags. I'm not one to be discriminating towards other breeds since I consider them all beneath me, but earth ponies remind me too much of Dark Charm. I think it's the dirt on their hooves. Dark Charm reminds me of dirt. Dirt reminds me of Dark Charm. They compliment each very well. Especially if one were to dunk him in the stuff.

It surprises me to this day that some ponies are willing to build their homes so far away from areas that can provide their needs and services. I'm not fond of leaving the warmth of the empire for the harsh coldness of the world beyond its magnificent walls, even if I was duty-bound at the time to help those outside my home. Still, I will admit that there were a lot more interesting things that happened outside the empire than what happened within, and riding about on my magical cloud meant I could get from A to B quickly.

I suppose you stopped for a moment upon reading that last bit, so let me explain. When a task requires me to leave the crystal empire, my preferred method of transportation is on a special cloud connected to my consciousness through a magical mind link. I had some pegasi bring me a sample one day for experimenting on. I wanted to see if the weightless properties could be applied to armor, making it less of a burden for our soldiers, but keeping the toughness and hardness. I got a little carried away and wound up accidentally imbuing magic into the thing.

Now by merely thinking, I can summon it to my beck and call and traverse the land quickly. I wasn't able to replicate the mistake however, so this is the only one of its kind. It didn't even come with a magical extending wooden pole or a set of orange-colored karate gear. Ah, I apologize. My imagination runs wild at times. I really should watch less of that 'anime' the kids are into these days.

Anyways, I had a task to do, and results were expected of me, so I had the villagers take to to see this 'Flip Flop' character. Oh, he was a seedy little worm. He had a gluttonous gut that stuck out like a bloated blob of meat, and his face poorly masked his greedy character. He was trying to sell a single carrot to a small child for ten bits. Back in the empire you could get them for free.

I took him into one of the homes and had a little talk with him, explaining to him why it was wrong to do what he was doing and to show a little kindness to the poor villagers.

After the talk, Flip Flop had a change of heart, and agreed to lower his prices so the villagers could afford to get what they needed from him. However, while Flip Flop did indeed lower the prices of his goods - which, now I think about it, I never really ask where they came from, hmm - he only dropped the prices by a couple of coins.

I had another talk with him, albeit a more sterner one. He refused to drop the prices and make life easier for everyone, so I refused to take my hoof off his throat. After a minute or so of watching his face turning blue from asphyxiation, Flip Flop suddenly decided to give all his wares to the village, and even donate some of his wealth to the construction of a new and easy-access route between the village and the empire. How kind of him, and all I had to do was mentally summon a sphere of glass and offer to ram it down his throat.

Funny how generous ponies are when they hear that, huh?

So the problem was resolved, the villagers puked up their usual thanks, told the kids to stay in school, blah blah blah. As amusing as t had been to choke the fat merchant, it was the only amusing thing that had happened. So, if you didn't find this part of my story interesting, you'll understand my pain. Yes. I am, how the kids today say, 'breaking the fourth wall' here.

On the slight bright side though, when I returned back to the crystal empire and to the comfort of my laboratory, in my absence Dark Charm managed to grow another head on Mr. Pointy Teeth's rear again, except this one breathed toxic fumes. I had decided to name this new head, Mr. Minty Breath. It's ironic and humorous at the same time.

If Dark Charm ever dies, I'd like to take his pet rat. I'm sure I could do more with it than he does. I'd have grown a third head on the creature and called the whole thing Mr. Cerberus Rodent. No, no, that's not a witty name. Oh well, I'm sure I'll think of a better one while I write the rest of this document.

Oh! How about 'Mr. Three-Way'? Because it'd have three heads? It's funny because a 'three-way' is also a sexual term, so I have heard. No? I'll run it by advertising later.

Before that though, how about I spare you details of my boring past life, and skip ahead to the part where things get a little more interesting? Like, say, how Sombra got his unholy powers...