Crimson Titanium And Stoutheart Chivalry's Incommodious Quest

by The Brony Spartan

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Adventure, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3747

Ever wonder what would happen if an edgy black alicorn and a militant atheist neckbeard were thrown into Equestria? Wonder no longer!

One is a semi-possessed black alicorn with regrets of his uber-edgy past with an evil corporation, the other is an anti-religion basement dweller (level 8) who never leaves home without his trusty katana and thesaurus, and they are on a journey to travel to the only place they belong.

And the Mane 6 have to put up with both of them.

Thanks to StrawberryP for being an awesome proofreader!

Published 2015-06-08 19:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-11-02 23:39:57 UTC

Two Strange Strangers

Applejack awoke one morning, to a smell. It wasn't an unpleasant smell, it was homey, friendly even, sweet and crisp, and a bit doughy, like unbaked cookies or funnel-cakes or... pancakes.

As her various senses slowly roused themselves, and her muscles readied for movement, she slowly opened her eyes to find quite a beautiful scene. The sun was just rising over the treetops, sending warm beams of light rolling across floors and up walls, and making the dust dance in the air. The smell of pancakes wafting under her door, the sound of friendly commotion downstairs, it put her in a content little mood. One that she hoped would last through the day.

It was a beautiful day in Equestria. Not the kind of beautiful day where wings were broken in spells, or where horrible things happen in basements. It was the kind of beautiful day that Equestria was famed for: a warm day with friends, and a cool night with loved ones. Or so Applejack could hope.

Applejack trotted downstairs, in a good mood from her timely, not to mention calming, awakening. Not that she had anything to be stressed about, yet. She ate breakfast contentedly, talking and laughing with her family. After they had finished, she cleaned the dishes, and set off for her daily chores.

But a few hours later, as she was bucking apples from the trees near the road, in the south-west field, when she noticed two ponies walking along the trail, talking to one another. The first was bright teal, with a black hat covering his orange and violet mane, but more interestingly, was the second; he was a deep black, with a violently red, violently spiky mane, and enormous bat wings sticking from his back, not unlike Fluttershy's, when she had been bitten by a vampire fruit bat.

"I told you there is a flustering deficit of purchasing arcades in Ponyville!"

"well, but... fuk u, i told U dat we shud go eest!!"

As they neared her, Applejack noticed not only were they arguing about directions, but the black bat-pony had a horn, as well as wings. Applejack knew well not to nose in other pony's business, but her curiosity overwhelmed her. Was he a changeling of a new breed? A prince from a distant land? And if so, why would he come to Ponyville? Was he an evil enchanter who did-

"hey, u! lesser pony!" growled the black one.

Applejack blinked, "Pardon?"

"i am refering to u, earth pony!" he yelled.

"Alrigh'," Applejack said, slightly annoyed, "What d-"

"Crimson!" interrupted the stout, clashing unicorn, "That is no manner in which to perorate to such a beseeching member of the fairer sex!" the teal stallion said, moving closer to Applejack, "My name is Stoutheart Chivalry, M'lady," he said, tipping his hat, "And what my cohort portended to affirm, is that while you, while a uh, um l-libidinous female, are not as good as he, you are still comparably exceptional to the average, and thus should not be offended."

"Okay..." Applejack said, still attempting to decipher what Stoutheart had just said.

"indeed, i didnt mean to b mean, it jus came out that way." Crimson excused, "after all, i, crimson titanium, am the altimate life form!!" he shouted, moving closer to Applejack, and reducing his voice to but a whisper, "cuz titanium is stronger then steel."

"Um, okay, no harm done, I guess..." Applejack said, still confused what exactly the subject of the conversation was, "So, you two need directions to somewhere?"

"yes, we do, leeser pone, to the only place we belong," Crimson looked off into the distance, eyes narrowed, "hot topic."

"Hot Topic, huh?" Applejack repeated, putting a hoof to her chin, "I don't reckon I've ever heard of that place, but I know someone who might've."

"u mean twilight?" offered Crimson.

"Yep, I guess you've heard of her then," Applejack surmised, " Then again, I'm not sure why you wouldn't, she is the princess after all."

"Actually, we know all about the propitious companions related to you, M'lady. Apple Bumpkin, Apple Cobbler, Apple Fritter, Apple Honey, Apple Munchies, Apple-"

"WAIT!!!1!1!" Crimson interrupted, "don't u nouw how stuuf works? if they find out how much we know about stuff, theyll all turn on us, just like sarah from 7th grade," again, Crimson glared into empty space, eyes narrow, "screw u sarah, nathan isnt even as cool as i am."

Applejack was beginning to worry now, could they be special Changelings, attempting to spy? That would explain why their speech was so broken, and why they looked like something Rarity would have nightmares about. "Wh-, how do ya'll know about all mah relatives?"

"seeee?!?!?" Crimson said, putting as much emphasis into the word as his lungs would allow, "now we gota get rid of her 2 make sure she dosnt tell anypony."

"Woah there, buckaroo," Applejack said, holding out her hoof to hopefully prevent Crimson Titanium from disposing of her,"Ah don't think that's necessary,"

"Yeah, you shan't be needing to do such a detestable act, it's not as if it may be that she could happen upon coming to betray us, she's the element of honesty!" After all, even if she was an ignorant redneck who believed in an invisible man, gentlemen didn't lower themselves to the primal standard of violence. Plus, she didn't seem likely to friendzone him.

"fine, i didnt realy wrant to anyyway." Crimson said, turning his flank to the two of them, sitting down on his haunches, and pouting.

"All right," Applejack leveled with them, brow furrowed, "How do ya'll know so much about me, and mah family, and mah friends, and, guhh-everything!?"

"u dun it nao, arry porrer." Crimson said accusingly, over his shoulder.

Taking a deep breath, Stoutheart explained, "Well, M'lady, where we come from, all you amiable females are preeminent in the industry of entertainment know as the television. A moving Photostat with accompanying sounds to go along with it. It's quite an euphoric experience provided by science and logic and not god." he emphasized, hoping to plant a seed of doubt in her feeble mind.

"Y'mean like an arcade game?" Applejack asked, unimpressed.

"Well, yeah, but you don't have to play it." Stoutheart corrected, "And it's video game, freaking pleb...." he said, a little angry that such a euphoric idea was being taken for granted. He would be sure to drink twice as much Mountain Dew next session, in spite of her.

Applejack pondered this for a while, "Famous, huh? Well, Ah never really thought about what ponies migh' thing of all of us, seein' as all the villains we've- Wait, what do yah mean, 'where ya'll come from' ?"

Crimson Titanium spun around, taking a break from his self-pity, "we come from a horribal world called earth, filld with scum and crime and scum and war, and pitful parusites known as humans." he said, waving his hooves about, as if he were telling a ghost story.

"First of all, yah said scum twice. Sec-"

"dhere's lots of scum, lik humans." Crimson said, returning to his brooding.

"... Second, we got all those things too, minus the scum. And third, Twilight's been to the human's world, maybe she can help ya find what you need. Ya'll should know where to find her, she might even be able to take ya to your uh, Hot Tropics." Enticed Applejack, hoping she could get back to her work.

"NOoo!" Crimson decreed, dramatically rising into the air, like a mighty black demon, commanding fear and respect from all to which he spoke.

Or at least, he meant to. However in reality, he managed only to hop about a foot in the air, spread his wings, and land face-first in the dirt.

"no!" He shouted once more, rising from ground, rubbing his likely bruised muzzle. It was hard to tell if it actually was bruised, seeing as he was jet black, "you gota come with us, so i can mak shure you dont betray us!"

"Whe- ta who, exactly?" Applejack had a feeling she wasn't getting anything done today.

"da E.V.I.L. corperation!" He said, ominously.

Applejack sighed, and rolled her eyes, "Ah guess we better get on our way then."

"u c, E.V.I.L. is a secrt code for evtremely villanous insindiary legon, and i used to work for them, as a firekill trooper, and my evil killcomandr made me kill a vilage of orphan kitens, but i felt nothing, becase i am so awesome, ans totaly hardcore, and i got to use a superfirekillergun, and it shooted gint flaming spikeybambs, that covered you in napaml needels, but i still didnt care because ... .. .....

Author's Note

Ever notice how ponies have video games, but not TVs?
It's like in Civilization V, when you invent the internet before you invent computers. Like, how would you even go about doing that?

Far too long a walk

" .. ..... ... nd dat's teh storey of how my grandparants, my uncles, my ants, my bruther, al my friends, , my cat, my ants, and my to goldfish wer all killled in a horible minigolf acsident, and now oi can tel u abot teh time i-"

Applejack groaned loudly, hoping that the vibrations would cause her eardrums to explode. She had already asked Titanium to stop talking seven times; thrice politely; twice sternly; and another two times with the additional tact of profanity. Each time he simply paused his exposition until she had looked away, and then continued ranting monotonously about his adventures in hurting things, a few of which were civilians, himself, and a 6th grader named Derek.

They were slowly but surely moving deeper into town, towards Twilight's castle, and Applejack was thankful for it. Hopefully she could find a way to get them to Hot Topic sometime today, and return to the peace and quiet of her work.

It was a sunny, cloudless day in the quaint little town of Ponyville. The recently risen sun shone brightly on the thatched-roofed cottages, playfully threatening to burninate them, as the ponies were beginning to hustle and bustle, exchanging bits and good tidings in the warm summer sun, smiling and waving at Applejack, and only occasionally gawking at the ponies in tow with her. Just then, a familiar voice struck the air.

"Hiya Applejack! What's new?" said Pin"Oh! These guys must be what's new, because I've never seen them in Ponyville before!" said P"Actually, I've never seen you guys anywhere before!"sa"Which kinda goes without saying, because I live in Ponyville and outside of going on adventures with you girls, I don't really leave Ponyville that often, unless I'm delivering goodies for Mr. and Ms. cake! But anyways, my name's Pinkie Pie, what's yours?"

Said Pinkie Pie.

"my nam is cremsun titanium." Crimson said, his voice wrought with arrogance, "an i am da ultimat lafe form!!"

"Ooh, cool! But, don't 'cha mean Crimson Titanium?" Pinkie Pie inquired innocently.

"... how ar u reeding the words im saying???" Crimson said.

"Well duhh!" said Pinkie P"I'm a horse, silly! I eat a lot of carrots."

It was then that Pinkie Pie noticed the other unicorn was staring at her, bug-eyed; and drooling slightly. Perhaps he was hungry,-

Stoutheart laid his eyes upon the perfect maiden before him, and she laid her eyes upon him. Surely she found him irresistible; he hoped it, wished it; dare he say, he prayed it. This beautiful, perfect, female. Innocent and sweet, lovable in every way, his life would be a pointless nothing were it not for her.
He would make this flawless angel his wife, this he knew. He had to charm her, for he knew then that it was the only thing that he had ever truly wanted, and without her he could never want anything again. For what can a man strive, ask yourself, once he has met with perfection?

However, of all the words of romance that whipped through his mind, Stoutheart could only manage two: "M-muh waifu," correcting himself swiftly, Stoutheart regained his gentlemanly air just in time to save face, "Ah, M'lady," he said, coming close to her to put her under his romantic spell.

-but he was quite static, perhaps he was so hungry that he'd suffered brain damage. Pinkie Pie certainly hoped that wasn't the case. Stoutheart seemed to mumble something, then returned to his staring. Maybe she should ask Applejack why-

"MLADY!" shouted Stoutheart, running dramatically for less than two feet, then stopped inches from her, before moving closer still, "MY NAME IS-i-is Stoutheart Chivalry M'lady, and I would be honored to-to go out with a woman as mesmeric and-and-and topsome! A-as yourself."

"Sure!", Pinkie replied, pleasantly surprised at the acquisition of a new friend, "Where did you wanna go? The fair? The arcade?" Pinkie let out a tremendous gasp, not unli"The swimming hole?! Ohmygosh, that would be just terrific! I can introduce you to all my other friends, and-"

"I-I uh, you misapprehend me, m'lady," Interrupted Stoutheart, "A lady as prepossessing as yourself is deserving of romance."

Pinkie cocked her head in confusion, "Rome-ants? What are those?"

Stoutheart now knew that truly, there could be no god, for no living thing could wish such pain upon another. He turned away, he would not let such a flawless thing see him cry. Looking to the sky, he spoke only two words, "Friendzoned again."

Applejack buried her face in her hooves, she wasn't getting any quiet today, if Crimson didn't make sure of that, Pinkie would, "Can ya'll stop with the soap opera so we can get a move on?"

"i waz in da middl ofa storyyy!!1!" Crimson protested, "so wen me and satsuke got to tha death egg..."

Just then, Applejack had an idea, "Hey Pinkie Pie,"

"Yees AJ jay-jay?" Pinkie said, wishing that Applejack truly was a small, green monkey.

"I was talkin' to these two on the way to Twilight's," Applejack said, putting her arm around the neck of the still-droning alicorn, "And Crimson here's a baker, in fact, he would love to hear anythin' you've got to say on the matter."

"Awwwwesome! What did'ja wanna hear about? Huh-Huh-Huh?" Pinkie pestered, bouncing around him with ea"Baking tips? How about remembering measurements? ♪Three teaspoons a tablespoon makes, sixteen of those for a Cup to bake,♪ Oh, how about some modifications to basic recipes?" Pinkie gasped loudl"Did you know you can use sour cream in place of yogurt? Ohmigosh, this is gonna be so much fun!"

Applejack was relieved, if she had to put up with noise, the would rather hear how to bake a pound cake five times than how Crimson has found new and interesting ways to kick puppies. And in the distance she saw Twilight's castle, finally. She might get back to work after all.

She wondered, though, why she felt as if someone very far away was laughing manically at her.

*Bursts In*

*Bursts In*

In Twilight's library, the soft glow of enchanted stones mixed with the vibrant stained sunbeams, and crystalline bookshelves lined the many walls, bursting with stories and tales untold. Adventures of romance and fables of daring danger, and information and factoids to make even the dullest pony a genius. In this castle of nurturing thought, no secret is untold, no knowledge unlearnable, no-

"C'mon, Twi. Do you really need my help organizing your nonfiction section?" Rainbow Dash said, looking over the room with boredom. "

Twilight snapped out of her narration, realizing she was being spoke to, "Oh, well..." Twilight said, blushing slightly, "I wouldn't say I need your help, but with you and Spike helping things will go much faster."

"Especially seeing as how you're the fastest pony in Equestria," Spike said, adopting a sly grin, and loving it as if it was his own, but not telling the sly grin it was adopted until it was 27, and it had broken up with it's girlfriend the same day and was crying it it's room, and then acting like it was ridiculous for him to be mad the next day, Robert.

"Okay, okay, I'll help," Rainbow said, now sharing Twilight's blush as Spike snickered, "I was gonna help anyway, I was just making sure you-"

"Twiligh'!" Applejack yelled, burst into the room, making Rainbow and Twilight jump several hands in the air.

"UAH! Oh my gosh Applejack, What's wrong?"

"What is it, dragons? Zombie ponies?" Rainbow's eyes grew with horror, "My cooking? It's not my fault, I locked my trash can, I swear!"

"Worse." Applejack said, terror in her voice, "Overzealous fans."

Then, several things happened at once. Several loud, crashing, things no less.
Pinkie Pie and some black pony burst into the room, literally at each other's throats, rolling around on the floor arguing about... something...

"yer fukin stuped, da karamamabit is da tool of du godds!!!" The black one screeched, straddling Pinkie Pie, hooves around her windpipe.
"It's hideously over-rated!" Pinkie screamed, rolling over onto the strangely shrill stallion, "The kilij is a beautiful tool, the weight is perfectly placed!"

At nearly the same time, a fourth pony burst into the room, jumping onto Twilight's back and holding a long, thin blade to her throat. He growled one word, "WINGS."

And caught in the middle was Applejack, attempting to stop the chaos she was caught in.
"Crimson, stop fightin' Pinkie!" she shouted, running towards the two of them.

"u can twirl da karambabit aarond ur hooof 4 a deadluy attak!"
"Applejack. Help. Plea-" Twilight's plea was stopped by the hoof of her eye-bleed inducing assailant.
"Twilight, just stay calm. Stoutheart! What in stallion hill are you doing!?" Applejack said kidding to a halt, and heading towards Twilight instead.
"The Kilij is a deadly masterpiece, Vlad The Impala was a tactical genius!"
Spike took a deep breath.
"I contrite Twilight, my incorruptible pulchritudinous sovereign, but the unpropitious, inauspicious, insubordinate malignant Larson has corrupted you, and I must plunk down you away of your anvil chorus"
Twilight started to cry. Not out of fear, but out of the sheer desperation that someone, anyone, would make him stop butchering the Equestrian language so terribly.
"Chivalry! Drop your-
"I'm fondant and you're frosting, everything-"
"th karmbadarmbadoobabit is-"

"SILENCE!"

All movement in the room halted, and all eyes turned to Spike.
A glow faded from his eyes as his mouth closed, green flames licking the ceiling before vanishing.
"Enough! This is ridiculous! Why are you guys even fighting?"

"pinmke pei says her nife is beter den mine." Crimson said, some touch of embarrassment in his voice.

"And is that any reason to strangle her?" Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.

"she dishonured my wepns and-" Spike's eyebrows leveled dangerously, "no..." Crimson Titanium sighed, ashamed to have tried to hurt his distant daughter and best friend's ex-waifu.

"Exactly. And you?" Spike said, turning to the portly, trilby wearing stallion.
Or colt... it was kind of hard to tell, given the way he acted...

"It is my millstone to disencumber this terrene of-" Spike pulled the stouter pony's muzzle down to his level, putting them eye to eye.

"In Equestrian."

Stoutheart sighed, "I have to put Twilight out of her misery because M.A. Larson gave her wings and now she's a mockery of what Twilight Sparkle used to be."

"So physical change immediately equals personality change?"

"Well no, but-"

"Exactly," Spike said, releasing the equine thesaurus's muzzle, "She's the same Twilight, except she can fly now. Case closed."

"That... was... awesome!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash, flying over to give Spike a pat on the back.

"Spike!" Twilight exclaimed, pulling herself together to fly to him and give him a hug, "That was amazing! How did you do that? That... shout? I've never seen anything like it..."

"I've been reading a few of the self help books from the library in my free time, I ran across one about 'Dragon Shouts' and it looked cool, so I started reading it and I found out, I can do them! I figured this was the best time to try one out, I mean, it's not like I could have made that situation any worse."

"Ah don't know, Spike..." Applejack mused, "I think everypony bein' on fire woulda' made it a mite worse..." she said, with a shiver.

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie, "If that dragon yelling book was in the library, then how come Twilight hadn't ever seen anythi-mmh!"

And suddenly there was a wide, gray strip of duct tape over Pinkie Pie's mouth, and how it got there or why nopony noticed it was never explained the end.

"Oh, re-laax Applejack, I've got complete control, watch!" then as Spike took a deep breath, his eyes began to glow, his mouth opening wide to let out a cone of green flame, which would increase the volume of any word he spoke. And so, with a deep, rumbling voice, Spike shouted:

"AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA"

Twilight sat there, confused, as to how Spike was capable of making such a noise, and also as to why the two strange ponies were rolling on the floor with laughter, "What does that mean?"

"I dunno," Spike shrugged, "I read it somewhere."

Just then, one of Celestia's royal guards burst in. It was at this point that Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle both took a moment to reflect on the fact that throughout the entire day, no-one; including Rainbow Dash; had actually walked into the library. The royal guard, still running wildly, ignored the two strange ponies, Applejack, Rainbow, Pinkie, and even Twilight herself, stopping just short of Spike.

"I need to ask you to stop. That... shouting... is making people nervous." the guard said to Spike. Well, to Spike might be a bit of an overstatement. It was clear through context that he was speaking to the baby dragon, but he looked above Spike, as if he was speaking to a pony in Spike's place.

"Okay..." Spike said, crestfallen "I mean, at least I got to be useful for a little bit..."

"Excuse me sir, how did-"

"Glad we got that straightened out" he said, cutting Twilight off, and racing back the way he came. He stopped to ask Crimson something about hungry eyes, and then continued on his way.

"Alright... that was... interesting." Twilight said, still processing what happened, "Now, Applejack, can you tell me something?" Twilight asked, a touch of aggravation in her voice.

"Um, yeah?"

"What the actual fffFUCK is going on?!"