The Two-Step

by SusieBeeca

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex
Length: 13131

Applejack wakes up in a grimy motel with a roaring hangover. And she's not alone.

Applejack wakes up to find herself in an uncomfortable situation: she's in a motel, hungover, and there's a strange stallion in the bathroom. As she tries to piece together what happened the previous night, she realizes that what she thought would be a simple trip to the watering hole went horribly wrong.

TvTropes page!

Sequel: Three Steps Back

Published 2012-05-20 11:14:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-17 23:47:25 UTC

Chapter 1

Sunlight poured in through the window, and slowly, blearily, Applejack's crusty eyelids parted.

She instantly regretted waking up.

"Agh," she groaned, pressing both forehooves to her temples. Her brain throbbed like a pustule about to burst. She was no stranger to hangovers, but this one was in a class of its own. "How much did I haveta drink last night?"

Applejack pulled the musty covers back up. The sunlight felt like razorblades, so she squeezed her eyes shut. "Oww. 'M still a lil' drunk, I think. What time is..."

The bedsprings squealed as someone beside her rolled over.

Somehow she managed to keep from yelping in surprise. Applejack lay as still as she could, still curled in the fetal position, and strained to hear what was happening behind her back. Whoever it was shifted, groaned, and pulled themselves into a sitting position. There came a moist, shuffling sound---the rubbing of sticky eyes.

"Oh C'lestia," he slurred. Definitely a stallion, his voice hoarse and thick with dehydration. "My head."

Then a gasp. Applejack bit her lip, somewhat relieved to find she wasn't the only one surprised by a bedmate. The tip of a hoof carefully pressed between her shoulderblades. She didn't move. Then it prodded.

Years of living with a nosy little sister had taught her how to fake sleep; she grunted, jerked her shoulder a little, and made a few smacking sounds with her lips. He seemed satisfied that she was still out of it, and shuffled closer. The hoof now rested on her foreleg just above the elbow; it gently traced upwards, over her neck, and then carefully her suitor lifted the strands of mane that were obscuring her face.

He jerked his hoof back as if burnt. Applejack wasn't sure what to make of that. Did she really look that awful? Her teeth clamped down on her tongue when he whisked the covers clean off her, trying not to cry out at the blast of cold, stale air, or at how horribly vulnerable she suddenly felt. Being naked was one thing, but being inspected by a total stranger.... well, it gave her the heebie-jeebies. She could almost feel his eyes dragging down her body.

His breath whooshed over her flank, and Applejack's face went hot. She knew he wouldn't notice, because now he was staring at her cutie mark. He even tapped it a few times, as if to see if it was real.

A low chuckle. She grit her teeth. So he'd figured out who she was. Fantastic.

Then the covers came back up, tickling her hide with static electricity as they went; he pulled them up to her chin, carefully tucking them in around her, and then planted a chaste little kiss on her cheek. The mattress shifted under her as his weight rolled off; Applejack waited, breath baited, until she heard him close the bathroom door behind him. Then she breathed out with a whoosh.

"Aw hellbeans," she murmured, sitting up. The motion made her stomach lurch. "What in the name of the Sisters did I do last night?"

She blinked until her eyes didn't feel quite so gummy, and took in the scene around her. She was in a dingy room only a few feet wider than the root cellar back home. The walls were covered with a faded wallpaper that was peeling around the waterspots, its seams and imperfections somewhat masked by the framed oil paintings that looked like they were purchased at end-of-lot auctions. Her hat was dangling from the curtain rod. On the rickety table next to the bed was a yellowed pamphlet that read WELCOME TO YOU'RE STAY AT MOTEL E-Z-SLEEP!

"A motel," she muttered. "Great. Just great. You sure one classy broad, AJ."

A rattle from the bathroom made her jump and clamp a hoof over her mouth, but he didn't seem to have heard. The rattle turned into a splutter, then a hiss as water flowed from ancient taps. From the sound of it, he was drawing a bath. Good. That bought her some time.

I suppose there's a chance I got nothin' to worry about, Applejack thought. Maybe he's a gentlecolt. Maybe he just took me up here to make sure I was all safe an' sound, and went an' fell asleep 'cuz he was sauced, too. We just happened to share a bed... don't mean anything, right?

"Yeah, sure," she muttered. Still... there was a chance. She warily placed her hoof under the coverlet and ran it to her right until she felt the residual warmth of his body. Then she moved it downwards, until---

"Agh! Oh yuck!" Applejack yanked her now-sticky hoof back, disgusted. Yes, that was definitely a wet spot.

Dangit.

Now what?

It briefly occured to her to just take off, but that didn't seem proper. Not only would she be leaving him with the bill for the room---and, judging from the soiled plates on the floor, the room service as well---but fleeing like a coward wasn't her style. Not to mention that he knew who she was.

Very gingerly, Applejack crawled out of bed and made her way to the table under the smeared window. She turned on the coffeemaker and plugged her ears as it wheezed and rumbled to life.

You can do this, AJ, she thought, steeling herself. Let him have his bath, and when he comes back out, you just keep a straight face, exchange some pleasanteries---somethin' aobut the weather----and do that little two-step 'til you can make a decent exit.

Her dry throat suddenly spasmed as a fragment of a memory hit her.

Two-step.

They'd been dancing.

***

She remembered the night starting as most Thursday nights did---stuck in the corner of that dingy watering hole, hoof-wrestling Berry Punch for drinks. It was always easy; Berry played to lose.

"Gotcha!" Applejack shouted, slamming the purple foreleg onto the sticky bar. "That's seventeen to two!"

Her companion giggled as she rubbed her sore ankle. "Yeah, yeah. You let me win'nnose two, an' you know it."

She smirked. "Mmmaybe."

"Hey!" She put her hoof to her teeth and tried to whistle, but what came out sounded more like a raspberry. The barkeep wearily turned in their direction. "Gimme anover round, over, over here, willya?"

This time the barkeep just pushed the uncorked bottle over to them and left if there.

They downed their shots---half of Berry's ended up trickling out the corner of her muzzle---and Applejack put her right elbow on the table again. "Wanna make it an even twenty?"

"'Snot fair," came the reply, full of nearly-convincing petulance. "I'm left-hooved."

Applejack laughed. "That's your excuse now? C'mon. I'd win with all four hooves tied behind my back."

"That," she said simply, "is 'mpossible. You'd break yer legs."

Something cold brushed her elbow, and Applejack glanced down to see a fresh drink sitting there. It was one of those girly abominations, the kind with a marascino cherry and a sugar rim and even a damn parasol sitting on a cloud of whipped cream. She shot a look at the barkeep. "What in the hay is that?"

"Diabetes in a cup," she replied. Then she flicked her head over her shoulder. "From the gentlecolt over there."

***

AJ took a swig of coffee and forced it down. It tasted like grease, but she could already feel the caffeine kicking in. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to force the memory-shard to reform, but it was still just little scattered pieces.

***

She didn't accept the drink. Here she found another gap between the memories, but she did recall some words being exchanged with.... She couldn't piece together his face. That's where the drink had ended up, after some lewd comment about apples and juiciness. She'd never thrown a drink on a stallion before and had fully expected him to be roaring mad, but instead he just plucked the parasol out of his mane and tossed it back at her, laughing.

The next part of the memory was only a few seconds later, but she'd been pulled onto the dance floor and was balancing precariously on her hind legs, her cheek on his, looking over his shoulder at the sea of dancing ponies.

"What?" she shouted at him over the music.

"I said, have you never danced the two-step before?" he shouted back.

His foreleg was tucked in the crease of her waist, and he tug it in, pushing her to the left. She instinctively shoved back.

"You silly filly! Stallions lead, not the mares!"

"Well, well---I don't know how to follow!" It wasn't for lack of trying. Her brother had tried to teach her once, but he had never been light on his hooves, and they'd ended up crashing head-first into the victrola.

"Close your eyes."

"No way, no howdy! I don't trust you as far's I can throw ya. Ow!" She offered an apologetic smile to the mare whose rump had just collided with her own.

"Then you'll just keep bumping into things. Close your eyes."

"Nuh-uh. Yeowch!" He'd swung her, cutie mark-first, into the corner of the bar. "You did that on purpose! Y'think that's gonna make me trust you enough to dance blind?"

"Trying to teach you a lesson, my dear."

"Don't call me that. Agh! DamNAtion!"

She heard that irritating snicker again. "Oops. Clumsy me. Now close your eyes."

"NO."

"You're stubborn. I hate that." Without warning, he spun her out in an arm's-length wide twirl. Applejack's eyes were rolling in their sockets as she shot forth like a missile, but she didn't miss the other couples leaping out of her way. Her shoulder popped when she reached the limit, and then he snapped her back, clearing half the dance floor as she went. By the time she was cheek-to-cheek with him again, she was so dizzy she had to close her eyes. She didn't want to see the glares from the other dancers, anyway.

"You do that again," she panted, resting her chin on his shoulder, "and I'll geld you."

He laughed. "Oh, dear Applejack. You don't scare me. If I had a bit for every time a mare has told me that.... At least you're following now." He picked up the pace, and she struggled to keep up.

"Oh, horseapples," she muttered. "You good-fer-nothin' son of a whore."

"My, my! You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"No, I kiss YOUR mother with this mouth." Where was this coming from? She wasn't like this.

That damned annoying snicker! "Lady, you're drunk."

"Mister, you're ugly," she shot back. Then she couldn't help but add "And tomorrow morning, I'll be sober."

"Ha!" He steered her around in a quick circle. She had to admit he did dance well. "You've got some fire in you! I knew I liked you for a reason."

She rolled her eyes...or maybe that was the alcohol. "Save it, Casaneighva."

"Is that what the mares are calling me now? I see my reputation preceded me."

"Has anypony ever toldja you're insufferable beyond all belief?"

"Well, sure, but I'm suspicious of flatterers."

Finally, she laughed. It was that little hyuk that always embarrassed her. "Well, lemme tell ya somethin'---you better know how to put that silver tongue to better use."

Immediately she slapped the hoof that had been around his shoulders over her mouth. Did she really just say that?! She must have, because the foreleg around her waist yanked her in tighter and she heard a little "Mmm" in her ear, followed by "Care to find out?"

"Oooh, I am drunk as a skunk," she said to nobody in particular, feeling the blush creep up to the tip of her ears.

****

She finished the last of the mug and refilled it, spilling a little over the side. She was shaking. She was mortified. Sure, she'd gone to that bar a thousand times before. She'd even fueled up from her own private reserve a little beforehand. Okay, a lot. But it had never gotten her into trouble before. The worst that had happened was that time she'd woken up in the barn, bleary-eyed and covered in feathers for some inexplicable reason. She knew she had a tendency to be a reckless drunk---even angry sometimes---but dancing with a complete stranger? Never. Cussing him out, grinding on him, and then giggling like a strumpet as they staggered up the steps---

"Argh," she groaned. That had been another memory fragment digging into her brain. This time the missing pieces came tumbling together in a flood.

***

By the time they'd arrived at the motel door, they were both so sauced neither could work the lock on their own. They ended up mashing the key between his left hoof and her right, and together they jabbed it forward until it finally slid into the hole. Turning it proved to be even more difficult, but the door eventually swung open and they tumbled in, him over her.

"Hey! We got it open! Hyuk!" Applejack pumped her hoof in the air the way she'd seen Rainbow Dash do so often before.

"Success!" he shouted from on top of her, flailing a little.

"Teamwork!"

"Excelsior!"

"I don't know what that means!" she hollered, and they both burst out laughing.

"SHUT UP!" boomed a voice from across the hall.

They both froze. The stallion on top of her began to chuckle, and Applejack shoved him off.

"Wait," she slurred. She pointed at the direction of the door across the hall. "In't that... sounded like..."

"C'mon." He tried to heft her up over his shoulder but missed; on the way down he managed to catch her around her neck, and for a few seconds he managed to hold her, almost like a bride. Then his hind legs wobbled and they fell forward, more or less in the room.

Applejack cuffed him lightly upside the head. "Way to carry me over the altar, there, stringbean."

"You're made of solid stuff, lady." He gave her a swat on her cutie mark. "That's a compliment."

"'Solid stuff', huh? Y'mean you couldn't get loose if I did---"

With three quick, fluid motions, she had him flipped over on his belly with all four legs deftly pinned under hers.

"---this?" she finished smugly.

"Hey, now," he said, and tried to stand up... to no avail.

Applejack chuckled and leaned her weight down on him. "C'mon, stringbean! That all you got?"

"Quit calling me that." With a deep breath, he hefted and bucked beneath her, but didn't budge an inch.

"Ooh, nice try!" Laughing, Applejack flicked her tail across the door, closing it with a click. "Y'know, I'd be mighty embarrassed if I was you."

She could almost hear his teeth gritting. "Good thing you're not me."

"Damn straight."

Applejack didn't consider herself to be an especially mean pony, but a sudden, unbidden flash of wickedness shot through her. Curling her tail up and around her haunches, she brought the fluffy tip down to his ribs and teased it back and forth.

Her reward was immediate: he jolted in surprise and let out an extremely undignified shriek. "What the---?!"

"Oh, shucks," she chuckled, continuing her assault. "Y'aint ticklish, are ya?"

"No!" he lied. But when she bent her head down and began to nibble the cleft where his foreleg met his torso he gave up, throwing his head back and howling with laughter. "Okay, okay!" he managed between guffaws. "Okay, I give up! Uncle!"

The little muscles running inside her thighs were clenching in anticipation. Applejack grinned. She hadn't realized quite how much she liked seeing a stallion under her control, squirming and helpless and begging. "Huh? Sorry, didn't quite hear ya."

A faint whiff of ozone was the only warning she got before the ceiling and floor reversed positions and Applejack found herself hanging upside-down in a magical grip. Before she could protest, he unceremoniously plunked her down on the bed.

"Oh, don't give me that look," he panted. Then he winked. "You had that coming."

She righted herself and kicked the covers back. "Speakin' a' coming---why dontcha get yer butt over here, huh?" That was about as witty as she got when drunk. He didn't seem to mind, galloping over and clearing the last three feet in a leap. They fell into a tussle, laughing, and after writhing around for a few seconds Applejack managed to pin him again.

"Now no usin' magic! That ain't fair!" she barked. But she couldn't help grinding herself down against his fur, leaving a wet streak in her wake.

"Huh, so you know how to wrestle. You got a brother, right?"

"Sure do."

"So do I." And he somehow flipped her onto her back.

"I let you do that," she smirked. It has a half-truth.

He raised an eyebrow. "Did you really?"

"Yeah. So's I could do this." She tilted her head up and caught his lip between hers. When he gasped, she pushed forward---not too far, just touching his lips with the tip of her tongue, waiting. He took the hint. With a foreleg cocked around her neck, he carefully drew her in, sucking on her tongue. Applejack leaned a little to the left, letting his tongue slide into her mouth, and carefully pressed her thigh upwards til she felt the brush of something hard.

She moaned as his weight settled on top of her, pressing her into the mattress. His teeth were on her neck, his tongue tracing slow circles around her jugular. Applejack's damp tail flicked to the side. She was presenting. She couldn't help it. Blame the alcohol, the dancing, whatever---it had been a long, long time, and she was almost frantically horny. She instinctively parted her hindlegs and wrapped them around his waist, crossing her ankles and yanking him closer til they rested belly-to-belly. She glanced down.

Hot damn! He had a big cock for someone so gangly.

She didn't need to remember what happened next. Her body remembered for her. The trail of wet kisses he'd planted from her collarbone to her belly to her haunches. The way she'd clasped his muzzle between her thighs as he flickered the tip of his tongue up and down her slit. The edge of his hoof teasing her nipples as her took her folds into his mouth, slowly, one after the other. That incredibly sacrilegious cuss she'd hollered when he finally sucked on her clit. Oh, yes. She could still feel her hips bouncing up and down on the squealing bedsprings as he suckled her, only pausing the assault on her clitoris to slip a little farther down and taste her inside. Fucking Celestia, he knew what he was doing.

Applejack's face was hot as she peered down into her coffee. Oh, no. She'd begged him. She hated that. Applejack was not known for swallowing her pride. And, of course, he'd stopped what he was doing to tease her. Mercilessly. The tip of his cock was gently brushing against her wet folds, up and down, up against her tits, down against her love, and up and down and back again, until her pride shattered and she begged him again.

"Please. Please. Pleeeease." Inhale. "I need it so bad..."

And he'd given it to her, just how she'd asked for it, hard and fast and very rough. Missionary first, reverse cowgirl second, third time around was a position she'd seen before but couldn't name---and then she'd been tossed face-first into the pillows and he'd leaned over her back, mounting her properly. She'd screamed and hollered and told him to yank on her mane. He complied.

"Harder. Damn you! Harder!"

And he did. He plowed and plowed, pounding into her G-spot, his balls slapping up against her clit, making her jut her pelivs back up against his bucking hips. She closed her eyes and the world narrowed down to the sparks flying behind her clenched eyelids and the hot, hard slap slap slap against her cunt. Her body felt like molten lead. Time stretched thin like taffy. She had no idea how long they went on like that, but then suddenly she was burning, deep, deep inside----she clenched up, and then there was that first stab of white-hot pleasure, and another, and another, and then before she knew it she was shuddering and squirting all over the bedsheets, screaming nonsense. She was still gushing between her legs when her voice quieted to soft, choking moans, and she slumped down, quivering, one hindleg twitching a little from the aftershocks.

He began gently licking between her shoulderblades when she murmured "D-don't... don't s-stop..."

He paused, stunned. "What?! Didn't you just---"

"More," she groaned. "Now."

"But---"

Applejack jerked her hips forward, and felt him slickly slide out; in a flash she was on her back and had her forelegs wrapped around his shoulders. She leaned up, took just the tip of his horn into her mouth, and them flopped back down on the sweaty pillows, smirking at his shocked, lust-hazed expression.

"That was mighty respectable," she said as she guided him back in, "But I sure hope you show me what you really got in round two."

He didn't. He couldn't. She'd gone back to sucking on his horn when he tried to start her up again, and the combination of that and the tug of her slippery wet walls on his cock sent him over the edge. Applejack moaned when she felt him surging inside her.

And that wasn't the end. He'd flipped her over on the mattress and treated her to something she'd never dared attempt before: he parted her hindlegs, lifted her matted tail, and slid his horn into her dripping wetness inch by tantalizing inch.

No wonder her throat hurt. She'd screamed herself ragged.

***

From the bathroom came the gurgle of water running down the drain. His bath was done.

"Spent the whole night with him and I can't even remember his name?" she sighed as she listened to the sound of him toweling his mane. "Pathetic. Jes' pathetic."

The last muddied thing she remembered was finishing the night with a growing crescendo of howls---her first multiple orgasms!---that drew the irate attention of their neighbour across the hall. Applejack was still swooning into the coverlet when he began pounding on the door.

"Enough! I swear if you two don't shut up and let me sleep, I'll come in there and snap the damn thing off!"

"You don't have the balls," her suitor yelled back as he carefully slid out of her, his mane now wet and matted.

"Try me!" There was a half-hearted kick, but the door barely budged.

Applejack whimpered when he nipped her ear. "That sounds like a challenge," he murmured, nuzzling her sweaty cheek. "Would you care to have another go?"

"G...gimme ten minutes..." she slurred.

He threw his head back and laughed. "You can sleep now!" he shouted at the door. "I know this isn't something you'd understand, but I've gone and tired the lady out!"

Their neighbour grumbled something unintelligeable. Then...

"Thaaaaaaat's right," her stallion called out to the sound of retreating hoofsteps. "You just go back to that big, empty bed and have yourself a good night!"

Applejack quickly tried to shush him, but he waved her off. "Now don't you worry about him. He's a paper tiger, all bluster and no bite. He'll just go back to bed and sulk til morning." A smug grin crawled up his muzzle as he reclined on the pillow. "He's just sore that I got a lady and he didn't, and by golly that's the way I like it. Ha!"

"You're nuttier'n a squirrel turd," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Not at all." He tapped his forehead with his hoof. "I know how he thinks."

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Oh, you do, do ya?"

He let his head flop to the side to face her, grinning. "Sure do! It's one of the perks of being identical."

***

She frowned, mulling over that last scrap of memory. She'd shrugged it off at the time, but now in the cold stark light of day, that word nagged at her.

"'Identical'?" she muttered. "What'd he mean, id..."

Her breath caught in her throat like a ragged peppercorn.

"....Identical twins," she whispered in horror. "Identical TWINS!"

The mug crashed to the floor as AJ jolted out of her seat, panting hard. "No," she mumbled. "No, no no no! There is no way! I didn't---! I couldn't'a---! Not after they---!"

The bathroom door creaked open and a shadow fell across the wall to her side. Applejack, her back still to him, looked at the now-familiar silhouette and swallowed. It was more like a few pained spasmings of a terribly dry throat. Every instinct in the little lizard part at the back of her brain told her to turn and bolt, but he was between her and the door.

She had no choice. Putting on her steeliest face, she turned to face the music.

"Y'want some coffee?" she said gruffly.

"I suppose, given the circumstances," Flim said, "it would be inappropriate to offer you a ride home?"

Chapter 1.5

Applejack's heart rattled against her ribs like a frightened hummingbird's.

Take deep breaths, she told herself as she stood staring at the wall of products in front of her. Nopony's here. Nopony's looking at'cha. Just grab it an' get the Tartarus out.

With a quick flick of her tail, Applejack knocked what she needed off the shelf and into her basket, and went trotting as swiftly as she could out of the aisle. Her eyes flicked back and forth as she scanned the drugstore---good, the coast was clear; nopony between her and the cashier. She piled a few magazines on top and made her way towards the front of the store, feeling the prickles of a light sweat break out on her neck.

Ain't like they never seen somepony buyin' somethin' real embarrassin' before. Ain't like yer buyin' grown-up diapers, for Celestia's sake!

"Miss?"

That snapped her out of her little internal pep-talk. A slightly sullen-looking stallion was standing behind the register, eyeing her basket.

Okay, you can do it, she said as she steeled herself. Jes' plunk 'em all down on the counter an' pretend like y'buy this all the time.

She did her best, and flashed the cashier a smile as genuine as a three-bit bill. "Uh... hey there. Nice day out, ain't it? They say sunny days are nicer'n the cloudy ones, but... well, it's....uh.... s-still nice! Real nice!"

He half-heartedly nodded, his hooded eyes never really making contact as he rang her items through. "That all today, miss?"

"Yessir."

"So..." He mumbled the addition under his breath as he checked the magazines through. "Ten bits and, uh..."

Her smile cracked a bit, and the sweat built into a full steam as she watched him pore over her purchases. This was taking far longer than a simple transaction should.

"Hm," he said.

"Uh..." Applejack scratched the spot under the brim of her hat where her scalp had started to itch. "Somethin' the matter?"

The cashier held up a hoof. "This'll just take a sec', miss." Then he craned his head around and hollered "Hey, Blue Streak! Can I get a price check on this pregnancy test?!"

She didn't see the few other shoppers turning her way. She didn't hear them whispering. She didn't even hear what Blue Streak yelled back. All she could do was stay rooted to the spot, all four legs trembling, hoping against all hope that a giant black void would open up below her and suck her into oblivion.

"Okay, that's ten bits for the magazines, and another twelve for the test!" he said brightly as he swiped every last shameful piece into a bag.

Applejack slammed the money down on the counter. "Thank. You. Very. Much," she spat.

She had almost made it to the door when he hurled one last indignity at her: "Oh, and congratulations, by the way!"

Applejack had to suck her cheeks into her muzzle and bite down hard to keep herself from saying something she might regret. After a few moments of silently running through her rather extensive compilation of creative cusses, she let her sore chest expand, and took in a cool, calming gulp of air.

"Aw, horseapples," she muttered as she kicked a clot of dirt with her hoof. "Could this mornin' possibly get any worse?"

Her heart suddenly jackhammered into her throat when, from directly behind her, came a single, terse, angry word:

"Eeyup."

Twenty Questions

"Eheheh..."

Applejack turned around as slowly as she could, meeting her brother's eyes with a sheepish smile. She glanced down at the little pink box sticking out of her saddlebag, and then back up at Big MacIntosh's hardened face.

"So... I guess y'aint gonna buy that I'm pickin' this up for a friend?"

He just stared her down.

"Well, in any case," she said, trying to stiffen her lips, "T'aint none a' yer business!"

Nothing.

"Well? Ain'tcha gonna say somethin'?"

Receiving no answer---not that she'd expected one---Applejack poked the tip of her hoof against her brother's lower lip and began to jiggle it as she said in a faux-baritone: " 'Oh, that's fine, Applejack, y'ain't a filly no more, an' I can respect that you make yer own decisions.' "

He didn't even break his steely glare with a blink.

Dropping her hoof, she snorted and said "I can't believe you jes' let me do that!"

Then, well... she couldn't resist. Prodding at his lip again, "he" said "'Lookit me! I'm a grown stallion who plays with lil' dolls!' "

"STOP THAT," he snapped, swatting her hoof away.

Applejack laughed. She loved her brother, she truly did, but that didn't mean they didn't each have a few reserves of ammo on hoof.

"Tell ya what," she said with a little nudge to his side. "I'll quit buggin' you if you quit buggin' me."

"BY THE GODDESSES, DAMNATION!" he roared, and Applejack stumbled backwards, stunned to her very core.

"M-Mac? Why--"

"I ain't 'buggin' you like this is some triflin' little thing, AJ!" Hot steam poured from his flaring nostrils, and she scootched back a few feet. Her brother's temper was like a volcano; something that could lie dormant for years, yet nonetheless be explosively dangerous. The last time she'd seen this kind of rage from him had been over a decade prior, right after Applebloom's birth, right after that double funeral, right after she'd taken her Pa's pocketknife and hacked off her ponytail... No, she told herself. Don't go there now.

His eyes were blazing. "You went an' got yerself into trouble, an' now yer makin' light of it?!"

"I ain't in trouble!" she hollered back.

"Then why'd you buy that---"

"Just to make sure!"

Her brother opened his mouth, and then---like a thunderclap---something, some strange expression rippled across his face.

"Oh... Applejack," he whispered as his eyes darted to the ground. "I never even thought..."

"What?"

When their eyes met again, she was shocked to see the pain on his face. "He... he didn't... did he...?"

"Did he what?"

"Did he, um... did he force himself on you?"

"Oh, Mac," she sighed, pawing at the ground. "Don't be an idiot. If he was rapin' me, d'you think I woulda come seven times in a row?"

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?!"

"Sun's risin' high, ain't it?" she blurted. "Gettin' close to lunchtime!"

He turned his burning face away. "Uh... eeyup."

"Best we be gettin' back home, don'tcha think?"

They walked in silence for a few minutes, the noonday sun stretching their shadows across the edge of the orchard. Applejack could feel his eyes flicking from her face to the bulge in her left saddlebag.

He finally broke the tension. "What magazines did you get?"

"I dunno. Just grabbed a few."

"Okay."

"If you want 'em, they're yours."

"Uh-huh."

A little smirk tugged at her lips. "I think I mighta got a PentHorse."

"Applejack!"

"Oh, lemme guess---you read it 'for the articles'?"

He ignored that one. "So. Who's the, uh, father?"

She stopped walking, and after a few steps, Big MacIntosh did too. He glanced over his shoulder and saw her face twist up in a rictus of anger.

"Well?"

"Ain't tellin'," Applejack spat.

"You gotta tell at some point."

"Says who?!"

Big MacIntosh tried to nuzzle up, but she snapped her head to the side. "Look," he said gently, "We both know yer gonna have to tell at some point. I mean, if y'keep it..."

"Whaddaya mean, 'if I keep it'?!"

"...an' he starts lookin' like his daddy, well..." He paused to reconsider his wording. "Or she. Or they."

Applejack crinkled up her muzzle. "'They'?"

"Ya never know. Could be twins."

"Ugh!"

He watched in confusion as the muscles under her right eye flickered, as if there was an army of ants burrowing under her skin. "Somethin' I said?"

"Just..." She held up a hoof, squeezing her eyes shut. "Just don't. Mention. Twins."

"So... do I know him?"

"What is this, twenty questions?"

Big Macintosh frowned. "Just answer me."

Applejack scowled, avoiding his gaze. "Uh... yeah. You met him."

"Is he an Earth pony?"

"No," she said. "And that's three questions. You got seventeen left."

"Pegasus?"

"No."

"So he's a unicorn." He paused for a minute. "Pokey Pierce?"

With a snort she said "Pfft! He wouldn't be interested in me unless I got one a' them operations they do in Bangkolt."

"...Come again?"

She ducked her head to hide the little grin. Her brother had a sort of innocence about him that she found adorable. "Pokey Pierce," she said slowly, "would rather have a go at you than me."

"Wait, what?!"

"Please! The way he flirts with you is shameless."

He blanched, and then the blood quickly rushed back up to his face. "He... he does not!"

She was enjoying this way too much. "Remember the last time you were at the market?" Pawing at his shoulder, she cooed in a creepy imitation of Pokey's simpering lisp, "'Did you make these pies yourself, Big MacIntosh? Ooh, I bet aaaaanything that comes from you would be deeelish---'"

"Knock it off!" He furiously shook his head. "And quit changin' the subject! How many questions I got left?"

"That counts as one."

"It does not!"

Applejack smirked; she'd never lost Twenty Questions to him yet, and wasn't about to break her winning streak. "You got thirteen left, so make' em count."

"Um, well..." He scratched his head. "A unicorn I've met...? I can only think of a couple more."

"Heh! Yer loss."

"Pony Joe?"

She paused to consider this. It wasn't a bad guess.... but there was no way she'd admit to that little 'pastry sampling' session they'd had a few years ago. "I could do better."

"Uh, Shining Armour?"

"Y'really think I wanna get two pissed-off alicorns on my butt?"

"Magnum?"

"Yer an idiot."

"Prince Blueblood?"

"Yer a fuckin' idiot."

Big MacIntosh sighed. "Okay. Okay! I give up! You sure you didn't cheat?"

"A'course I didn't!"

"But y'gotta tell me sometime soon."

She glared at him. "And why's that?"

"So I know whose back I gotta stick the shotgun into."

The bottom dropped out of her stomach, and for a few seconds Applejack honestly thought she was going to vomit. "Nuh-uh," she said once the bile had slid out of her throat, "That ain't gonna happen!"

"And why not? I'll see to it he makes an honest mare outta you!"

"Okay, first things first!" Applejack tore off her saddlebag, flinging it to the ground. The pregnancy test bounced off to the side. "One, I ain't even sure if he's got me in trouble! Two, I don't gotta pee, so neither of us are gonna know for awhile yet! Three, t'ain't none a'yer business who he is! Four, there ain't no way under Celestia's sun I'm-a marry him! Five, even if y'do make me marry him, there ain't no way I'm gonna travel around sellin' cider with him and his stupid twin brother!!"

And then she clapped both her front hooves over her mouth.

Flashback

"Applejack."

Her brother's voice rang in her skull. She didn't dare look at him.

"Applejack. You didn't."

She just stared at that horrid little cardboard box, and the crudely-drawn filly grinned back up at her.

"Tell me you didn't. Look at me and TELL me you DIDN'T!"

One tiny, hot prick of a tear formed in the corner of her eye as the memories came flooding back....

***

"Good morning, my darling," he said with a shit-eating smirk. "Or, uh... is 'good afternoon' more appropriate?"

Applejack didn't know what to say. She just stood there, trembling with a barely-contained rage. Flim flashed her a grin, flicked the towel over his shoulder, and began to tidy the room. He even had the nerve to whistle his and his brother's irritating theme song.

Okay, Celestia, you can wake me up now, she thought as she watched his half-hearted attempt to make the bed. This IS just a bad dream, right? Right? Puh-lease tell me I didn't... not with HIM...

And then that nagging little voice in the back of her mind piped up: Aw, quitcher whinin'! He made ya come, didn't he?

"Seven friggin' times," she sighed.

Flim glanced over his shoulder. "Hm?"

"Coffee!" Applejack said, a little too loudly. "Y'want some? It's nasty stuff, but..."

"Sure. Five sugars, no milk."

"Gonna rot yer teeth out," she muttered, but went to work getting it ready. It helped her stay calm, and gave her something to look at besides... him. He kept glancing over at her, grinning. Applejack scowled. That smile was so....

His smile. His big toothy smiled triggered a flashback: near the end of their tryst, right before Flam began his bitching, she'd been bouncing on top of Flim, riding his cock with wild abandon, already feeling stretched and sore but still hot, desperate, and frantic. Every other bounce, she'd lean down and peck him on the muzzle, right above his Cheshire grin. It wasn't fair, really; she'd never been with a unicorn before, and when she felt the buzzing edges of a magical aura begin tickling at her clit she threw her head back, wailing.

"Unh!" he grunted as he thrust his hips up to meet her. Applejack's wet ponytail was whipping against her back as she bounced, and he started smacking her flank with every downward thrust, hard enough to leave marks. "Yeah, take it! Take it all!"

She grinned down at him, looking ravenous. "Take what? Yer little toothpick?"

"Oh, you think it's small? Well, try it like this!" He reared up and shoved her clean off him; Applejack landed back on the soggy mattress with a yelp, legs flailing in the air; before she could recover, Flim grabbed her left hindleg, threw it over his shoulder, and began plowing her sideways.

She winced as he slammed inside her. It felt like he was ripping through a ring of fire. "Ow!"

"You like that, huh?" He reached down and mashed her clit with the underside of his hoof. "You like it rough, you dirty little bitch?"

Sinking her teeth into the coverlet, Applejack let out a quivering groan. Yes, she did like it rough. She always had. This bastard of a stallion was treating her like a whore and she loved it. The pithy little exchange they'd had on the dance floor had got her hot, and the way he'd nipped on her ears and neck as he dragged her back up to his room made her drip like honey. She'd never, ever admit it to anypony, but the snide, self-satisfied way he'd treated her when they'd first met had caused a weird little shiver up her spine, and now...

He was staring down at her with a lascivious grin, looking just as dominant as when he'd thought he'd won the first time. Her pearl was rubbing on the inside of his thigh while his balls smacked up against her sweaty ass, and, oh, it definitely felt deeper this way; deeper and dirtier and so horribly good that Applejack's tender little pussy began to spasm again. The first orgasm knifed through her, and as the second ricocheted into the third she screamed:

"YEE-HAW! Aww, yeah! More more PLEASE more!"

He sunk his teeth into the flesh of her leg, reared back, and pounded furiously. The words fell out of her mouth before she could stop them....

"Flim! Flim! Flim!! Yer the best! Ah, Flim! The best! The best I ever had!!"

...Snapping out of it, Applejack shoved the steaming mug at him. Their eyes met; as if reading her thoughts, he smiled at her, looking very fucking pleased with himself. Her eyes darted away.

"You look a little cranky, my dear," he said as he took a sip. "Why the scowl? Didn't you have fun last night?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Applejack couldn't speak. It took every fibre of her being to keep from punching the smug right off his face.

"Well, in any case, I certainly did." Flim leaned forward, brushing his cheek against hers, and whispered in her ear: "Mmmm. Remind me to send you a nice bouquet. I've wanted to taste a slice of your pie since I first laid eyes on you, my sweet little Apple."

She clenched her jaw so hard she nearly turned her molars into powder.

Nipping gently at her ear, he continued: "...and, might I say, you were just as tart as I'd---"

"I'M-A HAVE A BATH," she barked, shoving him aside. She stomped into the bathroom, jerked at the taps, and wearily glanced at the mirror as the tub filled. Yikes. It was worse than she thought. Not only was her mane wild and crusty in places---she decided it best not to try and guess with what---but the right side of her neck, from jawline to shoulder, was dotted with truly obscene-looking hickeys so dark they showed through her coat.

"Hm." She tugged her mane into loose pigtails and draped them over her shoulders. "Nope." She found the paltry excuse for a first-aid kit under the sink, but it only had two tiny bandages. "Nuh-uh. Maybe Rarity knows how to cover these...?" She blinked at the pathetic face in the mirror and sighed. "Yeah, that ain't gonna happen."

The door creaked behind her. "Applejack?"

She didn't lift her head. "Y'all just don't know when to quit, do ya?"

"Listen to me, I---"

"No, you listen'a me," she snapped. As she turned to round on him, her hoof caught on something on the floor and she nearly tripped; looking down, she recognized the straw hat, the crumpled white shirt, the stupid striped vest and... suspenders? Why in the hell would he need suspenders?

Applejack balled up his outfit and tossed it at him. "Put yer clothes on and get out."

"Mm, I don't think so. The room's in my name," he said as he threw the bundle back towards the bed.

"Then leave me alone. I'm tryin' to have a bath, in case y'didn't notice." She narrowed her eyes.

He rolled his. "Ooh, yes, you do need your privacy. I might see something indecent."

"Okay! That does it!" Applejack reared back and bucked the door as hard as she could.

"OW! Dammit!"

She slammed the lock into place and crawled into the bath, wincing a little at the unexpected iciness. "Figures he wouldn't leave me enough hot water."

Flim started knocking angrily. "If you brog de door, you're baying de debosit!"

For the first time that morning, Applejack smiled. From the sound of it, she'd given him a bloody nose. Good.

"Oben up!"

"Didn't yer folks teach ya manners? I'm havin' a bath!"

"I need de doilet baber. Oh, buck, I'm bleedig on de carbed!"

"Oh, quit bein' such a baby," she said as she slid deeper into the water. The bottom of the tub still had some heat, and it was doing wonders for her tense muscles. "Pinch yer nose between your hooves and tilt yer head back. Don't you know anything?"

That granted her a few minutes of blessed silence. Then...

"Abblejag! You bidge! Oben de door!"

With an exasperated sigh, she muttered "Fine."

The threadbare towel did little to stop her from dripping all over the discoloured tiles, so Applejack shuffled it off and used one of her back hooves to wipe up the puddles. To her surprise, the second she pulled the lock back, a blood-soaked Flim shoved her aside, bolted for the sink, and began coughing and sputtering; by the time he'd hacked up a huge glob of blood, Applejack felt a truly unwanted pang of sympathy.

"Uh... you a'right, there?"

"No!" he snapped. "I'b a hemophiliac!"

"A what?"

"A hemophiliac!"

A shudder of disgust went up her spine. "You... you mean... yer into little fillies?!"

"Oh, you fuckig idiot," he said as he turned both taps on and stuck his face under it. Applejack stared with amazement as huge gushes of blood poured down the drain; she'd had her muzzle smashed a few times before, but her nosebleeds had never been this... prolific.

Flim finally pulled away from the water long enough to splutter "HE-MO-PHI-LI-A. Not PE-DO-FIL-LY-A. It's a birth defect. When I get hurt, I can't stop bleeding." He shot her a poisonous look. "So, thank you very much for the nosebleed."

She swallowed heavily. "Um... I didn't mean... I didn't know---"

"Okay." He held a hoof to his nose, withdrew it, and then wiped it on the side of the sink. "Okay, I think it's over."

"I... I thought you said it wouldn't stop...?"

He waved her off. "I'm on medication. It's fine."

They stared at each other for a few tense seconds. Applejack's gut twisted when she noticed how pale he looked. Who knew that a smack on the snout could hurt him so bad?!

"Er, speaking of which..." Flim cleared his throat, glancing away, "I meant to ask you something last night..."

"Li'l late now, ain't it?"

"I suppose."

"Uh, y'got a bit of blood there..."

"What?"

"On yer muzzle, it's, uh, it's still drippin'..."

He smeared it away with the edge of his hoof. "Thanks. Um...I meant to ask, er... are you in season?"

Applejack stiffened. "Why?"

"I'll give you three guesses," he snapped, "And the first two don't count."

That's when something that felt like a cold, slimy icicle stabbed into her gut. Applejack was a farmer, and farmers knew their seasons: the trees back at home were popping with gossamer blossoms---and that meant it was nearly time for her to make that trip into the Everfree Forest and get three months' worth of potions from Zecora. She'd meant to do it a few days ago, but... something had come up.

FUCK!

"Well?"

Applejack blinked. She hadn't realized how much her back legs were shaking.

"Y'know what?" she said with as much resolve as she could, "I'm gonna get some a' their incontinent breakfast. I'll see ya later."

"Continental."

"Sorry, Flim. I don't speak Latin."

"I didn't---"

She let the door slam on his answer and jogged as fast as she could down the hall. No. No, she wasn't nauseous. That was just the booze talking.

Right?

****

"Mac," Applejack said between long, slow, laboured breaths, "I.... y'ain't gotta worry."

"Don't I?"

Their eyes met. They both knew it was a rhetorical question.

"This..." Applejack glanced down at the little pink box on the ground. "This is MY business, and nopony else's. Y'hear?"

Slowly, painfully, he replied "Eeyup."

"And yer gonna keep yer trap shut about it!"

"Eeyup."

"So..." Applejack cleared her throat a few times. "This, uh, this... this stays between the two of us?"

And, finally, a gentle smile. "Eeyup."

***

"I'm coming!" Cheerilee called to the pounding door. She pulled the last of the curlers out of her mane and threw it back in a quick ponytail. This morning was going from bad to worse; her alarm clock had stopped working some time around midnight, she was running late, had no time for a shower, and now her mane was starting to frizz up like it did in that regrettable yearbook photo. And whoever was at the door did not sound happy.

"Hold on just a minute, I'm coming!" she said, grabbing her saddlebags in a flash as she sprinted across the living room. She glanced at the clock as she passed; ten minutes to get to work! Smoothing down her mane as best she could, Cheerilee put on her 'presentable' face as she opened the door. The smile quickly turned to a little 'O' of surprise.

"Colgate?"

"THIS," her sister-in-law said, handing over an extremely wobbly Berry, "is YOURS."

Berry grinned, burped something that sounded like "Hi!", and fell flat on her face.

Cheerilee groaned internally. "Oh, Colgate, I have class in nine minutes!"

"Your sister needs class right now," she shot back. The anger that scrunched up her face didn't hide her bloodshot eyes or the bags beneath them. Cheerilee bit her lip. The poor thing had probably been up all night, wondering where her wife was. Again.

"I'd love to help, but.... can't she sleep on your couch?"

"No. She puked on it." Colgate slammed the door. Then she opened it again, poked her head back in, and added, "Twice!" before leaving.

Sighing, Cheerliee knelt down beside her sister and gently ran a hoof through her mane. "Oh, Berry. What am I going to do with you?"

"You could gimme a coffee," she slurred. "That'd reeeally help."

"Are you drunk or hungover?"

She pondered that very carefully. "Um.... can I choose both? Is 'both' an option?"

"You can get your own coffee, Berry. It's in the kitchen." She tightened the strap on her saddlebags and turned to leave.

"Aaaawww! Are you mad at me? I know Colgate is..."

This time the groan was audible. "Berry, sweetie, I really don't have time for this. I need to get to work!"

"Okay." Berry managed to get to her hooves, after six or seven attempts. "Ooh, I am one hot mess. But at least I didn't get in as much trouble as Applejack!"

The hoof Cheerilee had on the doorknob froze. "Uh... really?"

Plunking herself down on the couch, Berry shot her a grin. "Oh ho ho! You would not believe who took that filly home last night!"

Cheerliee glanced at the clock, then at her sister, at the door, and at the clock again.

"Okay," she said with a wink. "You have five minutes."

Carnations

"Well?" he said, tapping on the door.

"I'm tryin'! Y'can't rush these things."

"You drank the whole rainbarrel! Think of waterfalls, rainstorms, dripping faucets..."

"Mac, I can't pee if I know yer standin' there listenin'."

"What do you want me to do? I'm just as anxious as you are."

Applejack sighed and peeked through the moon-shaped hole. "I kinda doubt that. Last time I checked, you ain't the one who's gonna have to squeeze somethin' the size of a watermelon outta hole the size of---"

"Fine! I'll go for a walk."

"Bring me back some fritters!" she called after him.

"Sure. What do you want on 'em? Pickles?"

"Don't be a wise-ass. I don't even know if I'm eatin' for two yet." She opened the door just wide enough to poke her head out. "Now git!"

She waited until she was sure he was gone, and carefully positioned herself over the loo. "Betcha ten bits some unicorn designed these," she muttered, struggling to point the business end of the test under her crotch. "It'd be so much easier if I could just 'magic' it in place. How'm I s'posed to pee standin' like this? And I'll have to pick it up with my mouth after---Whoa!"

The sudden gush surprised her so much she nearly dropped the stick, but managed to press her hooftips together just in time. Wow. She'd never had such an explosive piss before.

"Okay," she said, shaking off a few droplets. "Easy part's over."

Picking up one of the magazines, she flipped to a random article and tried to keep her eyes from wandering over to that innocuous-looking little device.

"Now for the longest freakin' two minutes of my life."

***

Big MacIntosh returned with a tray of fritters balanced on his head. He'd eaten the pickle on the way, deciding it better not to rub salt in any potential wounds. He was a little surprised to find that his sister was still in the outhouse; the trip to and from couldn't have taken less than five minutes. Wasn't the test designed to give an answer in two?

He put the plate of fritters on the ground. Nudging the box, he turned it on its side to see if there were any directions, and a folded piece of paper fell out the open end. In large letters on the top fold, it read "PLEASE READ ALL DIRECTIONS BEFORE USE."

"AJ?" Big MacIntosh said as he used his hooves to spread the crinkled paper. "Didja read the instr---"

The outhouse door exploded open as Applejack did a full somersault and cartwheel, landing in a hoofspring. "YEEE-HAW!"

She slammed the dripping pregnancy test on the ground like it was a touchdown and bucked her back hooves in the air. "See that?!" she crowed, now looping her front hooves in the air like Braeburn. "One line! Count 'em, one!"

"AJ---"

"One lil' blue line! Oh, I could almost kiss it if it wasn't covered in piss!" Throwing her front legs around his neck, she gave Big MacIntosh a big sloppy smooch on the cheek. "C'mon, big brother! I'm takin' you out for a drink!"

"AJ---"

"Real champagne! I'll buy some Dam Perignon! We'll do a round of shots!" Applejack flopped down on the warm grass, grinning ear-to-ear. "All that worryin' fer nothin! To think I actually started goin' through what to name---"

"APPLEJACK!" he bellowed.

"What?"

Throwing the paper at her, he snapped "Didja bother t'read the instructions?"

She blinked. "Uh... no. Why?"

"And mares always say it's the stallions who do that. Now read 'em!"

Applejack rolled onto her belly and perused the smeary little sheet. Under a slightly-horrifying diagram depicting a pregnant mare's uterus in cross-section was some academic gobbledegook: A systematic review published by the University of Pranceton showed that home pregnancy test kits, when used by experienced technicians, are almost as accurate as professional laboratory testing (97.4%). When used by consumers, however, the accuracy fell to 75%: the review authors noted that many users misunderstood or failed to follow the instructions included in the kits. Improper usage may cause both false negatives and false positives...

"Out loud, if'n y'don't mind."

"Which part?"

"Third paragraph."

She cleared her throat. "Okay, uh... 'False negatives are common if the test is taken too early. Accurate results are only possible when the test is taken at the very least two weeks post-insemination...'"

Thinking she'd missed something, Applejack flipped the paper over, but there was nothing but the same thing in a different language. She looked up at her brother's vexed expression. "Wh... what's that s'posed to mean?"

"It means hold the champagne," he said tersely. "For that matter, don't you dare drink anything hard for the next fortnight. Y'ain't sure a'nothing yet."

"You mean... I wasted twelve bits on this hunk a' junk?"

He stamped a small crater in the dirt. "Forget the damn money, Applejack!! We both got bigger things to worry about now!"

All the wonderful, sweet swells of hope inside her began trickling away, leaving the hollow worry in their place. "Oh."

"There's yer fritters," he said, motioning with his head. "Now if you'll excuse me, I got somethin' better to do."

Applejack reached up at him. "Mac..."

He swatted her hoof away. "Don't."

"Mac!"

Applejack felt something deep and dark sinking in her gut as she watched him turn and begin to walk away. "Mac, listen to me!"

"Nope."

"Remember when Cheerliee came knockin' on the door at three in the mornin'?!" she shouted. "Remember that? Don't think I didn't figure out what that was about! You and she jus' got lucky, that's all!"

"Take a word a' yer own advice, Applejack," he snapped, "and mind yer own business!"

As he went to leave again, she said, desperately, "But yer judgin' me! Y'ain't in no position to!"

When he didn't acknowledge her, she screamed at his retreating back "I didn't mean to! It was a mistake! Ain'tcha ever made an honest mistake before?!"

"Eeyup," he said without turning. "I trusted you."

Oh. That stung worse than any slap. "THAT AIN'T FAIR!"

"Life ain't fair," came the reply in a tone that said the conversation was over.

She watched as he disappeared over the crest of a hill... and then her legs buckled and she fell to the grass.

"Dammit!" she moaned, pounding her hoof against the ground. "Damn, damn, dammit!"

Get up.

It was that little voice that only surfaced in her mind when she least expected it. A mare's voice. Not her own, but one that came in familiar, soothing tones.

Get up, Applejack. You're not one to wallow.

"Okay," she mumbled into the grass.

You're not getting up yet! Come on. You can do it.

"Okay," she said again as she rose. "Okay, I'm up."

She exhaled and looked across the field to the farmhouse. You have a job to do.

"I know. I'm-a gettin'."

***

"Afternoon, Applejack!" came Granny's sunny voice from inside. Her snout crinkled up when Applejack passed her. "Phew! Yer breath smells like a brewery! Been drinkin' all night?"

"Uh-huh." She flopped down on the couch, looking out the window. Well, I ain't the first mare to get herself in this predicament. There's gotta be somethin' I can do.

Granny chuckled good-naturedly. "Well, don't go thinkin' a hangover's gonna getcha outta yer chores."

"Uh-huh." I'll go see the doctor. They got better pregnancy tests in a hospital than y'can get in a box, right?

"By the way, me an' Applebloom went to market earlier. Picked up quite the bounty. What d'you fancy fer dinner?"

"Uh-huh." Dammit, one night with a stallion ain't worth this kinda stress! From now on I'm stickin' to mules! That or switchin' teams...

The smile disappeared. "Are you listenin' to me?"

"Uh-huh."

"A herd a' buffalo just flew out my nose."

"Uh-huh."

"APPLEJACK!" she hollered right in her ear.

"AAH!" She jumped high enough to bonk her head on the top windowsill. "Jeez, Granny, what'd you do that for?!"

"You were so far off in la-la land I thought I'd never getcher hooves back on the ground. Now, what d'you fancy fer dinner?"

Slumping back into the cushions, Applejack groaned. "I dunno, Granny. I ain't hungry. I'm feelin' a mite nauseous..."

"Oh!" she said. "I dun' plum forgot. Somethin' came for you."

"Huh?"

Granny gestured at the kitchen table, and for a full ten seconds time seemed to stop. Applejack's eyes were nearly popping out of her head as she stammered "Wha-wha-what...?!"

"Don't they look purdy!" she said as she carefully scooped the flowers out of the vase. Holding then out to Applejack, Granny smiled and said "Here, take a bite!"

She instinctively put a hoof on her fluttering belly. "I... I don't..."

"A darn shame carnations give yer brother gas; we coulda had these for dessert." Then she cocked an eyebrow. "Applejack? Y'ain't lookin' so hot."

Swallow it down. Don't puke. Just swallow. After a few tense moments, she managed to plaster on a smile. "I'm... fine."

"Well. I'll leave these here 'til y'feel like eatin'. Oh... by the way?"

"Uh-huh?"

"How come Pinkie can remember everypony's birthday but yours? These came a month early!"

Applejack's knotted shoulders immediately relaxed. "Oh! They're from Pinkie Pie?"

Granny shrugged. "I jes' assumed as much. I didn't read the card since it was addressed to you..."

"The... card?"

"See fer yerself. G'wan."

She carefully opened the little square of paper, and for the umpteenth time that day her gut churned. All it said, in a loopy hoof-writing she didn't recognize, was 'Thanks for a night I won't soon forget.'. There was a doodle underneath it---and it looked like a small apple slice.

His fucking cutie mark.

Granny was saying something, but Applejack couldn't hear her. Anger was making blood pound in her eardrums. He sent this to my home? He sent this to my HOME?!

"I'm gonna kill him!" she said out loud.

"You'll do nothing of the sort. You know it's best to keep clear when yer brother gets in one of his moods, now."

"Huh?"

Granny sighed and shook her head. "Big MacIntosh's been broodin' up in his room again. You two have a fight?"

They made eye contact, and then Applejack's gaze drifted to the bouquet. "He... we... he can't get it through his thick skull that I'm a grown mare!" she suddenly blurted. She couldn't believe she had to blink back tears. "He still thinks I'm a lil' filly he has to look out for!"

"Oh, Applejack." Granny's hoof smoothed out the back of the long blonde ponytail. "He can't help it. I look at you an' I still see that chubby lil' foal with pigtails an' a face covered in fritter crumbs."

"Aw, Granny..."

"Looky here, now." She took Applejack's face between her front hooves and pulled her close enough to touch foreheads. "I may be a dizzy ol' broad, but I ain't stupid. I c'n tell there's somethin' on yer mind you ain't tellin' me."

"Uh..."

"Nope! Keep listenin'. You ARE a grown mare, and yer life is yer business. Just so long's y'
ain't hurtin' nopony, I think yer doin' alright. Y'got a got head on yer shoulders, a lovin' family, and a bunch a' fantastic friends." She pressed her crinkly lips against her granddaughter's temple. "But if y'need somepony t'talk to, somepony who's been around the block, well... y'know where y'can find me."

Applejack quickly wiped the tears off her cheeks. "Aw, look whatcha made me do! Now I'm cryin'."

"Well then, eat some 'a yer flowers! That'll cheer y'up."

With a sigh, she said "I guess I might as well. You want some?"

"Don't mind if I do!"

They each plucked a flower out of the bouquet---Applejack 'accidentally' knocked the card into the water---and began munching.

"Y'know, it's funny Pinkie would send you white carnations," Granny said. "Then again, young'uns don't always know what flowers used to mean."

Applejack took another bite. "I don't follow," she said with a full mouth.

"Well, time was white carnations were a way for a stallion to, uh, let his feelings be known," she said, an unusual little grin forming. Then with a wink, she added "They mean 'I'm still available'."

The petals caught in her throat.

I'm gonna KILL him.

Author's Note

True story: my father, who is colour-blind, bought his mom white carnations for Mother's Day when he was sixteen. Grandma, being a bit of a drama queen, pitched a fit because "White carnations mean your mother is dead!!!"

Anyway... whew. Got a little heavier than I meant to in this chapter. But that's what happens with this kind of subject matter. Hope it didn't get y'all too down!

What the Turtle Taught Me

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, uh..." Applejack glanced up at the clock. "The walk-in clinic still open?"

"Of course. We're open 'til eight." The nurse tapped the tip of her pen against her clipboard. "What is the reason for your visit?"

"Um..." She looked over her shoulder at the thick line of uncomfortable, infected, and injured ponies behind her, and leaned as close as she could, whispering in the nurse's ear: "I.. I... need a p-pregnancy test."

"Hm... Unfortunately, that's a little lower-priority than some of the other patients we've had check in," she explained gently. "The doctor will have to see someone with a bad muscle sprain first. Do you mind waiting?"

"How long?"

"Twenty minutes, tops. Or we could book you an appointment for early next week---"

"Nope!" she said quickly. "No, I gotta know now." She sighed, letting her shoulders slump. "I'll wait."

"I'll go ahead and book you in. Please have a seat."

"Thanks."

"Oh, miss?"

Applejack hadn't even had the chance to turn around. "Uh huh?"

The nurse slid a pamphlet across the counter. She was smiling, but it looked a little perfunctory. "Here's some reading material for you to look over while you're waiting."

Her eyes widened as she pulled it closer. Under the 'Expecting?' title, in smaller letters, was 'Know your options'. With a shaking hoof, Applejack opened it to the first page, and gulped when she saw a diagram of a late-term pregnancy showing in disgusting detail how all the internal organs had squooshed aside to make room for the growing uterus. She could feel sweat trickling down the side of her neck when she looked at the flattened bladder.

"I can't do this," she breathed.

"Jeez, wouldja move already?!" someone behind her shouted. "You're not the only one who needs to see a doctor, you know!"

Applejack rounded on him, eyes blazing. "Well, unless y'got Tourette's, y'aint got no reason to go screamin' at other ponies like that!"

"My son has a fever," he snapped. Her eyes drifted from his angry face to the baby buggy at his side; looking back up at her was a shivering little foal, all flushed and sticky. "...So if you don't mind getting out of the damn way?!"

"I... sorry," she mumbled. She quickly stuffed the paper in her saddlebag and went to take her seat, keeping her eyes to the floor. Her mind kept flashing between the image of the sick baby and the medical diagram in the pamphlet. Why do they have to use cross-sections? It's scary enough without havin' to see it from the inside!

"Applejack?"

She bolted upright and snapped her head to the side. "R-Rainbow Dash?"

"The one and only!"

Applejack forced a smile. She couldn't help but notice that her friend was sort of slouched over the chair instead of sitting on it properly. "Uh... howdy."

"Wow, no wonder you're here! You look like crap," Rainbow said. "No offence."

"None taken."

She shifted on the seat, and both her eyes and wings snapped wide open. "Ow!"

"What's the matter? Sprained somethin'?"

"Not really, but I sure did get a workout," she said with a smirk. "Listen, AJ, I got a word of advice for you---next time some barfly tries to pick you up... say no!"

Her ears immediately flattened against her head. "What's that supposed to mean?!"

Rainbow Dash recoiled a little, her eyes widened in surprise. "Uh... that a few nights ago I went home from the bar with some stranger and now it hurts when I pee...?"

"Oh," she said as her shoulders slumped. "Is that all?"

"Yeah. Geez, what'd you think I meant?" She reached into a grease-stained paper bag on the floor beside her and pulled out a gnawed-on burrito. "Oh, I got some hay fries left. You want?"

Applejack looked down into the bag, and---the stench of the cooking oil felt like a sick punch in the solar plexus. Her mouth began flooding with drool. "Oh no!"

"What?"

Jumping to her hooves, she blurted "Where's the bathroom?!"

"Uh, down the hall, around the corner and---"

"Dammit!" She stumbled to the side and just barely managed to stick her head in the garbage can before the floodgates opened, and up came breakfast, lunch, that donut she'd had on the way here... even some carnation petals.

"Whoa!" Rainbow dropped her food and was at her side in a flash; with one hoof she lifted Applejack's bangs off her forehead, and the other traced gentle circles on her back. "Easy. Easy, now."

"Ugh..." With a last spluttering gag, she pressed the side of her face against the cool tiled wall. "Okay, I... I think it's over. Aw, shoot..." She hadn't had the time to empty the garbage first, and now there were crumpled-up papers and single-serve cups floating in her puke. "I'm sorry!"

"It's okay, AJ! C'mon."

She normally would've shrugged off the help, but this time she let Rainbow scoop her up and guide her back to her seat. She kept the brim of her hat pulled down over her burning face.

Across the room, a little colt with a patch of gauze over an infected eye said, far too loudly, "Mommy, is that lady contagious?"

"No, dear," his mother responded tartly, "You won't ever get what she has."

Rainbow shot the mare a dirty look, and then put her chin on Applejack's shoulder. "Hey. My appointment's not for another fifteen minutes. Let's go for a walk, okay?"

"But..."

"C'mon, I'll buy you a milkshake. Let's go."

"The garbage..."

"AJ, they hire ponies to take care of that kind of thing! C'mon, there's a cafeteria a few doors down. Milkshakes, on me. Okay?"

"...Okay," she said reluctantly.

Once they were far enough down the hallway, Rainbow glanced over her shoulder before leaning closer to her friend and whispering "So it IS true!"

"What is?"

"You're in the pudding club!"

"What?"

"You got a bat in the cave, AJ! You're knocked u---"

Applejack shoved a hoof in her muzzle. "Would you shush?! And how---how did you---?"

"Well, you did kinda just puke your guts out. And besides, have you looked at your teats lately?"

"RAINBOW DASH!"

"What?" she shrugged. "I saw them when you sat down! I'm just sayin'."

"I'm not..." Applejack sat back on her haunches and hung her head. "I don't know if I'm... that's why I'm here. I came to find out."

"But... there's a chance you are, right?"

"Yeah. A pretty good chance." She looked away, biting her lip. "Oh...what you must think of me..."

"Are you kidding? I'm totally jealous!"

"You are?"

"Well, not of the preggers part," she said as she flipped her mane back. "But I've always wanted to have a threeway with twins. I don't know how you pulled that off! I mean, I came close once---"

Ice. Her body felt like ice. "What was that?" she said, barely audible.

"Cloudchaser was into it, but Flitter---"

"Rainbow," she said through clenched teeth, "the part about twins. What didja mean?"

She cocked her head. "Is that a trick question? You know what I meant."

"Humour me."

"How should I put this....Heh!" Now she was grinning. "You were the apple filling in a Flim-Flam sandwich!"

"NO!" Applejack shouted. "No, I did not do that!" ....although she had to admit, the thought was more than a little interesting...

"Oh, so you did them one at a time?"

"No, no, no!" She got back up and began stomping towards the cafeteria. "I only... uh... with one of 'em."

Rainbow caught up to her. "Which one?"

She scowled. "The annoying one."

"Yeah, that doesn't narrow it down much."

Before pushing open the swinging doors, Applejack shot a look over her shoulder, and then hissed "It was Flim."

"Ha! I knew it! I so knew it!" She gave her friend a good-natured nudge on the shoulder. "He was totally into you!"

"What?"

"Hold on." Rainbow clunked some coins on the counter, smiling at the colt behind the cash register. "Two milkshakes to go. One chocolate, and one, uh...?"

"Cherry," Applejack said. Once the colt was out of earshot, she turned back towards Rainbow and whispered "What do you mean, 'he was into me'?"

"Are you kidding? Didn't you see the way he was checking you out?" She paused to reconsider. "Oh, wait. Of course you wouldn't. Your back would've been turned when he was ogling your butt."

Applejack's tail flicked down protectively across her backside. "Whaaa...?"

"Oh yeah, the whole time they were in town, he was scoping you! He looked at you like a hungry dog looks at a bone. And when you were running around in the field, getting all sweaty---"

"Okay, that's enough!" She grabbed her milkshake off the counter and turned to leave. "C'mon. I dunno when the doctor's gonna call me. We better get going."

Applejack walked in silence for awhile, the paper cup balancing on her head; Rainbow flew beside her, sucking noisily on her drink. Finally she asked "So... you had no idea he was hot for you?"

She thought back... and remembered the weird way he'd sidled up against her as he'd---she still had no idea how---managed to break into their huddle. "Not... really."

"Well, whatever." She finished the last of her milkshake with a loud slurp. "Does he know you're pregnant?"

"I don't know yet!"

"You gonna tell him?"

"I..." Applejack hesitated at the door of the waiting room. "I don't really wanna talk about it any more."

"Uh, okay."

"Wait. There was one thing."

"Yeah?"

Applejack frowned up at her. "How did you know who...?"

"Oh, AJ," Rainbow said with a dismissive wave. "Everypony knows."

"WHAT?!"

"I heard it from Rarity," she went on, "and she heard it from Pinke, who heard it from Mrs. Cake, who overheard it at the grocery store..."

Applejack's shiver turned into a full-blown quake. "How-how-how is that possible?!"

"Perfect timing!"

They both snapped to attention. "Huh?"

The nurse was smiling at them over her clipboard. "The doctor will see you now, Applejack. You can take your drink in with you."

"Hey," Rainbow said as she caught Applejack by the elbow. "Want me to come in with you?"

Applejack shook her head. "No. I gotta do this on my own."

"I'll wait for you, okay?"

They stared at each other for a second, and then Applejack grabbed her in a tight hug. "Sure," she whispered as they pulled apart. "I... I gotta go."

"Good luck!" she called after them as she watched the doctor lead Applejack out of the waiting room. "...You might need it."

****

Rainbow Dash was re-reading the short story about the all-mares' prison in the PentHorse she'd slipped into an Equestrian Geographic when a familiar shadow fell over her. She looked up with a smile. "So how'd it...."

Applejack looked like she'd been sucker-punched.

"...go?"

Quickly stuffing the magazines in her bag, Rainbow jumped off the chair and put a leg around her friend's shoulders. "Bad news?"

She just nodded mutely.

Rainbow scanned the busy waiting room. "There's some chairs in the hallway outside. It's less, uh, crowded. C'mon."

The hallway between the clinic and the cafeteria was much quieter and cooler than it had been in that stuffy little waiting room. Applejack eased herself into one of the squeaky vinyl chairs, and stared into the distance.

The clock on the wall loudly clicked away a few seconds.

"What am I gonna do?" she moaned, covering her face with her hat. "Aw Celestia, what am I gonna do?"

"You know what I think?"

Applejack scowled, but didn't lift her head. "I wasn't really askin' for advice, Rainbow."

"Just hear me out."

Rainbow flopped back in her chair and began tapping her hooftips together, deep in thought. Just as Applejack was drawing a breath to ask her what was taking so long, she began to speak:

"A few months ago when I was taking Tank out for a spin, we flew over a really busy road. You know the one that always has out-of-control carriages rolling down it? Yeah. Anyway, I saw a river turtle about to cross the road." She leaned closer. "And it was a turtle, not a tortoise. Turtles have these, like, flippers---"

"Do I really need a biology lesson right now?"

"Okay, whatever. Anyway, I knew the poor little bastard was going to get smashed into a million pieces before it could get across, so I flew down, picked it up, and said 'Hey, little buddy, you're going to get hurt! Let me help you.' Tank was yanking on my tail, but I ignored him and flew the turtle all the way down the hillside until I found the riverbank. I put him down, patted him on the head, said 'No need to thank me!' and flew back up to the road."

"Is this going somewhere?"

"Oh, it totally is. Anyway, when I got back up to the road, I said to Tank, 'Aren't you proud of me? I just saved your cousin's life!' And then he...I still can't believe it... he reared back and smacked me across the face!" She winced as if she could still feel it. "I mean, he bonks into my head all the time, but this time he did it on purpose. I'd never seen him look so mad! Before I could react, he hovered just above where the turtle had been and sort of pointed. That's when I saw it."

"Saw what?"

"It wasn't just mud, AJ," she said, leaning closer. "It was a nest. It was a girl turtle. She wasn't trying to cross the road at all---she'd been trying to lay her eggs!"

Rainbow shook her head, smiling. "She knew she had to lay them far away from all the snakes and crocodiles who'd want to eat them. It must've taken her, like, a week to crawl all the way up from the river to that safe place at the side of the road, and I'd ruined it, thinking my choice was the right choice for her. So I zoomed back down, picked her up again, and put her by her nest, saying 'Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!' the whole time. Anyway, every day after that we'd fly by to check up on her, and sure enough, her eggs hatched and they all made it back to the river okay. And now Tank has a new friend."

Applejack just sat there, her mouth hanging open.

"So, I guess what I'm saying is, I can't make the choice for you. I can stand by you and be your friend, but, y'know, it's totally up to you. And whatever you choose, well... I just gotta trust it's the right choice for you." She flashed her a smile. "That's what the turtle taught me."

"Rainbow Dash," she whispered, "That... that is the wisest thing I've ever heard you say."

"Well, yeah," she said, polishing a hooftip on her chest. "I am pretty smart, y'know."

"So..." She looked down at her belly. "What now?"

"Feel like another milkshake?"

Applejack smiled. Ice cream could make anything feel better. "Sure."

"Great!" Rainbow said as she jumped off her chair. "I know a place where they make 'em with pickles. OW!"

Author's Note

Aaaaaaand that's it, folks! This story's complete. (Yes, I do have a sequel in the works.) Thanks to everyone for reading. :)