Somewhere, on a winding mountain road near Neuschwanstein, three German SS officers were on a late night snack run. In the morning, was the date of an important meeting with other SS generals and Himmler himself. It was of high importance, and it dealt with the issue about concentration camps that would be captured by enemy troops.
It was cramped in the Schwimmwagen, and SS Hauptstrumführer Kurt Liechtenstein (a.k.a, me) was left with the task of driving. “Why me?” I complained in German. If I was anymore tired, I would be like ‘screw Das Reich, I’m going to sleep!’ and the Schwimmwagen would fly off the road and tumble over the mountainside. The only thing left: a crumpled-up Schwimmwagen and three more non-action related casualties. Not a ‘picture on top of the fireplace mantle’ kind of moment.
SS Strumbannführer Karl Gerhart had the luxury being in the passenger seat and said in German, “Because I’m your superior, and I ordered you to drive.”
And SS Brigadeführer Hans Schubert was asleep in the backseat, snoring away, his cap carelessly tilted over his eyes. The only sounds coming from him were snores while he cuddled an MP-40 like a teddy bear, which isn’t the best idea. Fortunately, the weapon was unloaded.
“I knew we shouldn’t have gone for that late night snack run,” I said. I had no idea why they had to get smoked meats and cheese at 3 AM in the morning, but I suspected it was the general’s odd eating behavior. Hans always got hungry very early in the morning.
Nonetheless, the Schwimmwagen’s headlights soon shone upon the walls of a small mountain town and the car pulled up to a shop and the
two still awake SS officers got out.
“The grocery won't be open at 3 AM! That would be madness! Who would wake up that early to open up that shop?” I said.
“Hans would,” replied Karl.
“Yeah, but… still,” I said. “C’mon, do you really think they’re going to be open this early?”
“No, but… we can’t let the general down,” said Karl.
“Mmmmmm… Knight’s Cross… mmmmmm… Yes, my Führer, I will accept it…” mumbled Hans unconsciously in German.
“Oh, good, he’s having the Knight’s Cross dream again. Now he’ll start to…” but Kurt was interrupted as a Hans began singing.
“The flag on hiiiiiiiiigh! The ranks tightly… closed! The SA marches with quiet, steady… steeeeeeeep. Comrades shot by the Red Front and reactionaries; March in spirit… within our ranks. Comrades shot by the Red Front and reactionaries… March in spirit within… our… raaaaaaaaanks!” Hans somehow belted out an out-of tune version of the Horst-Wessel Lied without waking himself up. What he could do amazed many other men, including I and Kurt.
“Only three verses left,” said Karl. He gave a sympathetic look at me and said, “Let’s go check the door.”
As Hans continued to belt out the anthem, occasionally stopping as he received more awards to his Knight’s Cross, Karl and I were reading a small sign on the door.
“Monday-Friday, Open at 8 AM, closed 10 PM. Saturday: Open at 8 AM, closed 12 AM. Sunday: open at 9 AM, closed 8 PM,” I read.
“Well, you were right,” said Karl. “I should’ve taken it straight from you.”
“I told you it wouldn’t be open,” I said.
“Doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out,” said Karl.
“If that was supposed to be an insult, I don’t feel insulted,” I said.
“It was rhetorical,” said Karl bluntly.
“Oh…” I mumbled, now somewhat confused. “Well, regardless, we should probably get back to the castle before it gets too late.”
“That’s a good idea,” said Karl as he and I got back in the Schwimmwagen. He suddenly noticed he was in the driver’s seat. “Wait, how come I…”
“Look, do you want to get back to Neuschwanstein or not?” I asked impatiently from the passenger’s seat.
“Yes, but…” began Karl.
“Then drive, mighty Strumbannführer!” I said, extending a hand towards the road.
Karl rolled his eyes as he started up the Schwimmwagen and zipped out of the town and down the mountainside road.
“Did I miss anything?” said a voice from the backseat.
I started and looked back, but I saw, much to my relief, it was just Hans.
“Did I startle you?” said Hans.
“N-no… no, you didn’t,” I said, stumbling with my words.
Hans the leaned over to Karl and said, “Did you get the provisions?”
“No, sir, the store was closed,” said Karl.
“Oh, that’s too bad. I really wanted some smoked cheddar,” said Hans wistfully.
“But there is good news, general, were almost to the… wait… is that it right there?” I said, pointing to a castle about two miles away.
“But, when was there a waterfall next to Neuschwanstein, and was Neuschwanstein ever in the center of a city?!” said Karl.
“Never,” I replied. “And, why does it look more like the Kremlin than… oh wait, are we in Russia?!”
“No, if we were, we’d be in a jail cell, probably waiting execution by firing squad,” said Karl. “This is not Russia, Moscow isn’t in a mountainous area anyways. General, what’s your analysis?”
“I’d say we’d better go to the city. I don’t know what to expect, but… it’s just my gut feeling,” said Hans.
“To the city, then,” said Karl, letting out doubtful sigh. The Schwimmwagen roared as Karl pushed on the accelerator.
Sometime later, after some turns, driving through a coniferous forest, and a flat tire, they made it to the river next to the city.
“Like that will stop us,” said Karl. He simply drove the Schwimmwagen into the river and the propeller allowed it to cruise across it.
“If I only had a fishing pole…” I thought wistfully.
The vehicle and landed a few yards downstream of where we originally forded the river. Karl then swore as he they pulled up to… a large set of doors? Fortunately, they were big enough for the Schwimmwagen to go through. We then did a double take as we saw two small pastel-colored equines, about four feet, clad in gold armor and holding large spears, approach the vehicle. The two ponies also looked surprised. One was blue with a black tail and mane and the other was white with an orange tail and mane. They also had strange marks on their flanks. The blue pony’s was a sword crossed over a crescent moon and the white pony’s was a spear with a flaming head.
I blinked and said, “I’m dreaming... or I’m dead, and this is the afterlife.” I instinctively grabbed the MG-34 machine gun mounted on the side of the vehicle and started feeding in a belt.
“Who goes there? State your business!” the blue one asked with authority, thought the officers could detect a bit of fright in his tone.
Karl, I, and Hans sat dumbstruck, eyes wide and mouths agape.
“Am I hallucinating or did that pony just talk, in English?” said Hans.
“I can confirm that observation, sir,” I said. “Now what do we do?”
“We go in the easy way or the hard way,” said Karl.
“Let’s try the easy way,” said Hans.
“Of course,” said Karl. Suddenly, the Schwimmwagen zipped backwards.
“Karl, what are you doing…?” I asked Karl in a scared tone.
“Getting us in,” he replied. The Schwimmwagen shot forward and…
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” yelled Hans as he clutched his Officer’s cap like it was his lifeline.
“Halt! In the name of the Royal Sisters, I place you under arrest for…!” but the guard couldn’t finish his sentence before it was interrupted by a loud BOOM!
The huge doors dramatically burst open and the miraculously undamaged Schwimmwagen zipped into the city. Two spears flew in vain to stop it, but they fell short and clattered onto the cobblestone street.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” I yelled. “THIS IS INSANE!”
“I DON’T KNOW, BUT THIS FEELS GREAT!” replied Karl.
“YOU’LL KILL US AAAAAAAAAAAAALL!” Hans screamed as Karl made a sharp right turn.
“Never mind that fact these ponies are intelligent… they’re probably going to hate us for this!” I said.
“You don’t say!” said Hans. He turned to Karl and said, “Well, while you’re at it, find us a grocery or a bakery or something! I’m getting hungry!”
"Yes, sir," said Karl.
“Oh, this is getting bad,” I said as the Schwimmwagen zipped down the street. Then, we turned onto a large boulevard and large crowd of well-dressed pastel colored equines appeared.
They all screamed and dove out of the way, yelling things like, “HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!” and, “NOT ANOTHER MONSTER!” and, “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS!”
Karl continued through the street and then smoothly pulled to a stop in front of a bakery that had just opened.
“Uhm… donuts and coffee?” I said as I shrugged.
Meanwhile, Karl climbed out and flew into the bakery, where a surprised looking pony was behind the counter, and dozens of plain or well-decorated baked goods lined the store and window display.
“This has got to be a dream,” said Hans. “This can’t be happening! Do you know what would happen if the other generals found out about this?!”
“It’s probably a dream, sir. Whatever happens will happen. Perhaps it’s our stress from moving around so much, materializing in our sub-consciousness as a high-speed drive through a medieval city. Dreams can be weird, The Interpretation of Dreams taught me that,” I said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“You read Sigmund Freud?” said Hans, raising an eyebrow.
“Can you think of anything else better to do in your downtime on the front?” I countered.
“Well, I used to play checkers, but… I guess not…” said Hans, now really confused.
"They say you can tell if you are dreaming by pinching yourself. And if you don't feel anything, you're dreaming," I said.
Hans and I then pinched ourselves... and hard.
"I felt something," I said.
"So did I," said Hans. "Well, this isn't a dream, that's for sure. But it feels like it, it's just so... weird.
Meanwhile, Karl was trying to negotiate pastries with the baker, a white pony with a curly brown mane and tail and a cinnamon roll marking on his flank.
“I’M NOT SELLING DONUTS TO A CRAZY MONSTER!” shouted the baker.
“I’ll pay you plenty of money for the donuts!” countered Karl.
“I WON’T SELL!” yelled the baker, slamming a hoof into the counter. “OW! THAT HURTS!” he said nursing his hoof.
“Look, how much for a dozen?” said Karl.
The baker growled and grumbled, but eventually he gave up and sad, “Alright, 16 Bits.”
Karl slapped 16 Reichsmark on the counter.
“Uhm, what is…” the baker began to say, motioning at the Reichsmark.
“Donuts. NOW,” said Karl.
“Of course of course!” the baker said, fearing for his life. He hurriedly gathered the donuts and put them in a box.
“Thank you!” said Karl as he walked out of the bakery with a smile of victory on his face and a dozen donuts. That is, until some more armored ponies stopped him.
“Halt! You’re under arrest for terrorism!” said a pony.
“Oh?” said Karl. He tossed the box of donuts into the back seat, where they landed into Han’s lap. He then leaped into the Schwimmwagen before anyone could move and soon the vehicle was flying away.
“Stop it!” yelled a guard captain.
"Uh, no offense, sir, but how are we supposed to catch up with something like that?" asked another guard.
"I... don't know. But what I do know is that the... monster is a threat, and it must be eliminated at all costs. The princesses will not allow such chaos as this in this city. Since you think it's impossible, you can stay and interrogate the baker, along with Broad Shield. Let's get moving!" said the guard captain as he and his men began a futile attempt to catch with the 'monster' while the other guard and Broad Shield went into the bakery.
"Care for some donuts?" asked the baker, tapping a hoof on a glass display case.
We Drive Around A Strange City, See Some Equines, and... It was all a dream?
It was late at night, and a large, dark blue pony, was in a palace garden, enjoying the a moon (similar to the one on her flank) and softly-blowing night breeze. It smiled contentedly as it passed by another large bed of flowers, inhaling deeply and exhaling, enjoying the scent of the flowers. However, the placid midnight walk was shattered when a guard ran up to the pony, out of breath.
"Princess Luna! Urgent... news! A message from... Lt. Moonlit Sword," said the guard, breathing heavily.
He produced a parchment and handed it to Luna, who took it, unfurled it, and read to herself mentally, "Your Highness, I hate to disturb you at such an hour, but I must inform you of the creature that has entered the city and is on a rampage, terrorizing citizens, nearly trampling them to death. It was able break through the main gate and into the city at speeds which only locomotives can obtain. But, what was stranger, is there seemed to be three other beings riding the creature. They seemed to be incomplete control of its every move by yelling commands at it. We suspect the beings are responsible for the acts terrorism, and we will try to intercept the creature and catch the beings. The creature is a dark color, but its two eyes shine bright lights, running on four circular spinning feet. It also makes a loud rumbling noises whenever it is close. Watch out and be careful -Lt. Moonlit Sword." Luna became concerned. The creature defied all explanation, and why would three beings want to tear through a city with such a powerful beast? However, she had hardly any time to think when, all of a sudden, there was a tremendous smashing sound and the creature that Luna had just read about appeared before her eyes! Just like Lt. Moonlit sword said, the creature's eyes shined a bright light, and the creature's heavy rumbling breathing was very loud and prominent.
"Stay back, your Majesty!" yelled the guard. He brandished a spear and pointed it menacingly towards the creature.
Then all of a sudden, a blue aura encased the creature.
"Get more guards and send word... the creature has been caught," said Luna, sweating and clenching her teeth. The creature resisted, it roared and attempted to pull away, it was very strong and persistent, but it finally gave up.
Then, something happened that Luna didn't expect: The creature died! The lights from its eyes stopped shining and it fell silent. Three beings, all wearing grey clothes, approached her.
Earlier...
"That was close," I said. "I really thought we'd be done for back there."
"Well, lucky for you, I'm driving. And this is getting ridiculous. The baker looked like he'd never seen a Reichsmark before in his life," said Karl.
"He probably hadn't," said Hans. Suddenly, he turned to Karl and said in a tone that could kill a lion, "I just realized something funny, I NEVER APPROVED OF THIS. And give ONE good reason you thought it was a good idea to do this in the first place."
"You told me to do it the easy way. YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT!" countered Karl, yelling at the top of his lungs.
At this point, I attempted to vanish and became even smaller in the passenger's seat.
"IF DON'T GIVE ME A REASON, YOU'RE GOING TO AUSCHWITZ. AS AN INMATE," yelled Hans back, even more ferociously than Karl.
The Schwimmwagen abruptly stopped and Karl turned to Hans, with fear in his eyes, "You wouldn't do that... I'm too valuable. May I remind you I know English?"
Hans had that glint in his eye that indicated an eruption of anger wasn't far, "I'm getting fed up with you, Karl. When I first laid eyes on you as a pitiful Unterscharführer freezing on the East Front, who claimed he knew English, I took you in. As you became better with your conduct, I promoted you. Gradually, you became better. Better than the thieving liar, the 'scourge of the company'. It wasn't smooth sailing, though, oh ho no, it was not. There was that one time you cheated in a poker game, and in return you got beat up. Naturally, being the kind man I was, I stood up for you. And, things seemed to better. Then, you-"
All of a sudden, everything started to ripple, like water after a splash, and I woke up. "Wow, that was weird," I said as I swung over to the right side of the cot.
I slipped on my boots and began tying them. When I looked back up, two men wearing black trench-coats and fedoras were staring at me.
"Good day my friends, can I..." I said, flashing an uneasy smile.
"You are SS-Hauptstrumführer Kurt Liechtenstein, are you not?" asked the man on the left.
"Yes...?" I responded.
"Gestappo. You will come with us," said the man the left.
"Why?" I asked.
The men proceeded to grab me by the arms, and dragged me out of my room.
"No! Stop, Stop! Release me! Let me go! What have I done?!" I cried as they dragged me outside and towards an unmarked Opel-Blitz truck. As I kicked and protested, I noticed it was the dead of night, and a brisk breeze was blowing. I saw two Kubelwagons parked on either side of the Opel-Blitz.
"Knock him out! He's making too much noise!" hissed the man hold my right arm.
I was roughly shoved in the back of the truck, and before I got any bearings for the truck, I felt something poke through my clothes and puncture my shoulder.
"GAH!" I yelped. I saw another man wearing a black trench-coat and fedora stowing a hypodermic needle into a bag.
"You'll be out soon. It's a long ride to where we're going," the man said with a unnerving grin.
Before I went black, I observed Hans and Karl collapsed further in the truck, and when the truck started, I felt consciousness slipping away."Something funny is going on, there must be a connection to my dream and these people," I thought. Then, everything faded to black.
