Broken Inside

by Nighttide

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Original Character, Tragedy, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 4197

Twilight never wanted to become the leader of Equestria, not like this. I feel nothing but sorrow for her. I feel very different from my old self as well. I feel broken.

Yes, I was on duty when Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were murdered.

Yes, I received a medal for my actions in defending Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Yes, I am trained not to feel emotional pain so that it will not interfere with my duties as a royal guard.

Yes, the pain is eating me alive.

The mane six and Cadence are also in this story, but they only appear for a brief instant, not really enough for a tag. Also this story was written just for me to practice the first-person point-of-view.

Published 2015-06-08 00:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-08 00:20:01 UTC

Broken Inside

I can't believe it. It's been a full year since that tragic day, and I still can't believe it. Today is the first anniversary of the murders of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. This morning there was a large breakfast for everypony. The Princess, all her friends, the politics, the nobles, the citizens, the rich and poor alike, the castle staff, everypony was invited. Today there are no social barriers separating us. Today is about remembrance and honoring the ones that we all lost.

A few minute ago, Princess Twilight gave a speech. It was a good one, I think. I don't really remember what she said, but it was emotional, not just for her, but for everypony. Half the crowd was crying. Even some of the guards that I work with were on the verge of tears.

I honestly don't think anypony remembers what she said, but Twilight already told me that she didn't care. She had memorized the speech like she always does, but she said that she didn't know it by heart. She told me that she could recite every word, but she never heard herself ever say it. She felt like a machine, just on automatic. She's now in her bedroom, alone, sleeping. I'm currently standing guard outside the door, despite her telling me to take the day off. Naturally, me being me and all, I didn't listen. Instead I decided to do what I do best. And that's where I am now.

Some ponies ask me how I manage to do it, take on multiple shifts all at once without a break every now and then. I tell them that it is my responsibility, and they tell me that they all have responsibilities too and that it's good that I take mine serious, but I'm ridiculous. Then I respond back with something about loyalty or vigilance.

To be completely honest, I don't actually know why I stand guard like I do. Ever since that day, ever since I woke up from being knocked out to see many of my friends dead and Twilight standing before the empty thrown in fear, I haven't felt the same. Ever since Twilight became the leader of Equestria and one of my best friends, I haven't wanted to leave my post. What is my post, you ask? Well, I am one of the personal guards of the princess. I used to guard Princess Celestia in her court during the day, usually from noon to the earlier hours of the night. Then somepony from the night guard would take over and I would go home.

Am I scared? Yes, perhaps a little. Am I paranoid? Maybe. Am I shocked at what happened? Yes, absolutely. And now that I think back to it, perhaps that is why I stand guard. Maybe I am so afraid that something else will happen, I stay waiting, watching. It is all still so fresh in my mind after all. I remember it as if it was yesterday.

I woke up after hearing a few voices talk from across the room. They weren't familiar, which was strange, because I knew all the voices of every guard, servant, steward, and staff member that would be here at this time. The court was not yet open for the people to state their petitions, concerns, and requests.

My head throbbed with a raging headache. Had I gotten drunk and passed out at work? No, that couldn't be right. I'm better than that. I tried to stand. Fiery pain shot through my gut, causing me to fall back on my haunches. I grabbed my stomach in pain as I leaned down and supported myself with my other hoof. I could feel a warm liquid substance flowing over my hoof. I looked down to see that I was bleeding, badly. Celestia knows how much blood I had lost.

Nothing was in focus for me. My head was spinning a million miles per hour, but I knew that I had been wounded just by the pain and red blur that now covered my hooves. Where was I? What had happened? The color scheme of my surroundings, which was the only thing I could really go on, suggested that I was at my one o'clock post in the day court.

I looked to my right. Private First Class Spear Tip should have been standing there. I couldn't tell if he was or not. "Damn it," I thought to myself as my eyes failed me. Everything was so blurry. I squinted and concentrated as hard as I could, and after a few seconds, things cleared up. What I saw horrified me. Private Spear was lying on his side with several large, bloody stab wounds in his chest and gut. Blood oozed slowly from his mouth and his eyes stared straight ahead at nothing. He was dead.

My mind raced as I began to panic. I had to get to the princesses to see if they were alright, but when I tried to stand and walk more pain tore at my body and I found it almost impossible to move. I fell back to the ground.

More voices spoke out from the blur. None sounded familiar. What was happening? How had these attackers gotten in? I looked up and concentrated again. There were more bodies littering the floor. Some were guards, ponies that I knew. Many others were ponies who wore light purple cloaks. Many were wearing light armor underneath. I further inspected the scene. A few of the intruders who still stood, were walking around picking up the weapons of the fallen and dragging bodies off, leaving long streaks of red on the tile and carpet rugs. There was more blood than I had ever seen. It was absolutely everywhere, accompanied by bits of torn flesh and other unmentionable sites. It appeared that we had lost this battle.

The smell and scene of death and carnage was not what had gotten my attention though. It was what was still living that did that. Twilight stood before the empty thrown and several other ponies, all dressed in purple cloaks, that oddly matched her fur almost exactly. If my vision had still been hazy, it would have been impossible to tell them apart.

I had to get to them, stop them from hurting Twilight. She was sitting on the floor, crying intensely as she stared at the ponies in front of her. "Please, no!" she yelled as she sobbed. "Why!"

I began to make my way to her as fast as I could, which was only a slow crawl. I tried to draw my sword with my magic, but I couldn't. I reached up to feel my horn. It was there, but it stung when my hoof made contact. It was broken, no doubt about it. Instead, I leaned over into an uncomfortable position and grasped my sword in my teeth. There was no way I would be able to take them all on, but I had to try. I had to defend Twilight. I swore that even to my dying breath, I would fight for the safety of the princesses and the ponies that they ruled. TO MY DYING BREATH.

I started my advance again, speeding up as I got closer. I even managed to get to my hooves and limp faster. All the while, I listened closely to what was being said by what appeared to be the leader of the group.

"Don't you see, my queen?" he began. "This, all of this is necessary so that you can begin your rule. Time and time again, you have saved Equestria from the forces of evil while Celestia and Luna sat back and watched. You deserve to sit on this thrown. You should be the one to lead us. Your are a hero who deserves to do more than simply sit and wave."

He was crazy. He was absolutely crazy. He had to be. I listened no more. It was time for me to strike. And so I did. I lunged as fast and as hard as I could at one of the ponies to Twilight's right, sending my weapon clean through the back of his neck and out the other side. Blood splattered everywhere, startling everyone.

One of the crazy ponies swung at me with his own weapon. A thin sword similar to ones issued to guards. The only real difference was that it had no insignias on the hilt. Fortunately, he had terrible form and even with my injuries, I was able to block it. I swung back with an attack of my own, resulting in his sword hoof flying off and his sword falling to the floor with a clang. More blood came as he fell back, yelling in pain after I bucked him in the chest.

Another pony came at me. First punching me in the side of the head. I stumble back. He then charged me, ready to finish me off. He was too fast, I would not be able to recover fast enough. I was about to die. The words of that oath I swore so many years ago went through my head in that instant as time slowed. If I had died then, my only regret would have been not being able to kill them all and keep Twilight safe.

My death was not to be, though. Not then. Twilight jumped forward and tackled my attacker as quick as she could. "NO!" she yelled as she did. Immediately before hitting the floor with the purple cloaked pony, she teleported back to me and held her forelegs out in a defensive position. The roles had been switched. She was now defending me. "Please!" she coughed out through the tears that ran down her face. "No more killing."

All the ponies bowed and put their weapons away. "As you wish, my queen," their obvious leader said.

Twilight collapsed to the floor, crying and sobbing. What she choked out next was barely comprehensible. "Q-quit calling me-e that."

The leader of the cloaked ponies turned to one of his accomplices. "Go find medical help for..." He turned to me. "What is your name, brother?"

I instinctively pointed my sword at him. "I'm going to cut your throat out!" I replied, angrily.

The adrenaline pumping through my body must have subsided at that moment because next thing I remember is waking up in a room in bed, so I obviously must have blacked out. It was the standard set up. IV in the wrist, a machine that made constant, annoying beeping noises, blood bag hanging over my right, and a nurse filling out a medical report. To my left, surprisingly, Twilight sat in a chair, patiently waiting for me to wake up.

She told me many things that seemed almost impossible. Princess Celestia and Luna were both dead. The funerals would be in the morning. Nearly one hundred guards were also dead. The ponies who had staged the attack were now behind bars until she decided what to do with them. It got emotional pretty quick, especially when she told me about the fate of the princesses. At several times I even began to deny what was happening as real, trying to convince myself that it was a dream, but it wasn't.

The last thing Twilight said to me before leaving to let me rest was that she wanted to give me a medal so that I could be recognized for my heroism. I had always dreamed of that. Standing at attention on a stage in front of everypony actively serving, having a big gold medal placed on my chest and then being saluted by all my peers. Something inside of me was broken, though. I didn't feel the same. I never have. I didn't give Twilight the whole, I'm just doing my job or I was just in the right place at the right time speech. I simply told her that I didn't want it.

The next day, the day that all of Equestria mourned for the loss of our beloved leaders, Twilight gave me the medal anyways. During that ceremony was the only time I ever wore it. For me, it just feels like a big weight, there to remind me of what had happened. How I had been knocked out prior to what must have been a horrendous battle. How I came so close to death. How I was not able to do my duty.

That night, at home, I stared at it for longer than I think I've ever stared at something, except maybe my kids when they were born. The Royal Star of Honor. The highest reward that can be bestowed upon a soldier. My wife was proud of me, of course. And my son and daughter both thought it was pretty cool and so did I. I just felt too hollow to really want it at the time. I eventually came around and realized what an honor I had been given and loosened up a little. I still felt different though. Something was still broken inside me.

I returned to the castle only a few days later. I had been given the entire month off, but I couldn't stay away. Somepony had to be there to protect Twilight. I wanted to be that pony. There were other guards already posted to her personal guard, but I managed to pull a few strings and bend the rules a little to rearrange who was put where and I eventually found myself as her nearly twenty four seven guard. I went everywhere she did.

Twilight picked up on what I had done relatively quickly. She was very sharp. Instead of encouraging me to go home, she did something that I never would have expected. She promoted me. She was very strange like that. She tended to "accidentally" forget all the formalities that came with ruling a country from time to time, except when the freakin prime minister of one of the gryphon kingdoms showed up to express his condolences on behalf of his entire country. It was back to normal then.

During the Prime Minister's visit, Twilight demonstrated that she had no trouble remembering formalities after all and that she was just not comfortable with them around ponies she either knew or saw on a regular basis. Because of her more layback way of handling everything, I actually got to know her. We've become really good friends now.

Like I said before, I haven't felt the same since that day one year ago. Nopony has. But I continue to do my duty here. I have to protect Twilight. Surely there are those who seek her death and I must be ready.

After a few hours of silence, the other five elements of harmony show up to visit Twilight. I don't know any of them personally, but every guard knows who they are. Apple Jack, the element of Honesty approaches me.

"Um... we're here to see Twilight," she says in a sad tone that expresses the mood of the day. She isn't wearing her usual hat, instead she is just holding it close to her chest as she walks along. "Ah reckon she's in there, right?

I nod in response. "Yes, she's taking this very hard," I say. I then open the door and step to the side for her and her friends as they enter.

The first to enter behind Apple Jack is Rainbow Dash, element of Loyalty. She tends to fly a lot instead of using her legs, even when she is indoors, but today she has her wings tucked to her sides. She's followed by two other mares who look more distraught than any of the others. One of them, Fluttershy, the element of Kindness, is quietly weeping to herself and the other, Pinkie Pie, element of Laughter, who I've seen a few times around the kitchens, seems less... um... well... pink. Everything about her seems darker. Her mane is straight and hangs down over her face instead of puffing up like it normally does. The last to enter is Rarity. She's the element of Generosity. She's dressed in a depressing black dress and a large black hat to go with it. Her eyeliner is also smeared against her white coat. After they all enter, the door closes softly and I go back to standing watch.

Around half an hour passes, I'm still here guarding this door. Most guards who have to guard certain ponies have the privilege of walking around as they follow their VIP around wherever they go. That is the case for me most of the time. It is quite nice because standing in one spot unsurprisingly gets really boring really fast. I don't really mind though. I'm just glad I can be here.

After a few more minutes, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, more commonly known as Princess Cadence walks up with two other guards at her sides.

"Is this Twilight's bedroom?" she asks politely.

"Yes, Princess," I reply. "Princess Twilight and the rest of the Elements of Harmony are already inside. I'm sure they will be pleased to see you."

She goes in, leaving her two escorts behind to wait with me. They both look like they don't exactly know what to do, so they try to start a conversation. "How are you holding up Lieutenant?" one of them asks me.

"Not so good," I say with a sigh. "I'm really tired. More than usual." It seems I'm always tired. No matter what I do, how much coffee I drink, I can't shake the feeling of being tired, but I can't let it bother me. I can't be slowed down by it.

"Sir," the other addresses me, "with all do respect, I really think you should go get some rest. This isn't healthy."

I don't really know these guards. My responsibilities have left me little time to make friends with the many replacements that have been brought in. I believe these two joined a few weeks after the attack. Many ponies did. If there's one good thing that came from that horrible day, it's the inspiration... no wait, maybe that isn't the right word. We all mourned together and that gave us all a sense of unity. That made more and more want to join the guard, so replacements were the least of our worries.

"I'll be fine," I tell the other guards.

There is a brief moment of silence as the two look at each other, not sure what to say. One finally spoke again. "Um... sir," he began. "The shifts are being cut shorter for everypony so that we only have to be here for a couple of hours each, but according some of our friends, you've been here since last night. I know that you have a really strong sense of responsibility, but if you like, we'd be able to take over for you."

"No, that quite alright."

The two exchange confused looks before shrugging and going back to their standard standing positions, next to the door.

A few more minutes pass and the time becomes eleven thirty. It's time for Twilight to head down to the afternoon court. She comes out and begins to make her way down the hall toward the throne room just like she always does. The rest of the elements, along with Princess Cadence have other important matters to attend to as well, as they all volunteered a few days ago to help out in any way they could.

I follow Twilight through the halls in silence for awhile. She walks very slowly with her head hung low. Her mane is a little messy and her crown sits somewhat crooked on her head. She seems very tired, as if the weight of the world was on her shoulders. I hate seeing her like this.

"Twilight, are you alright?" I ask.

She stops and falls back on her haunches, looking up at a large stain glass window. The colors in the window depict the alicorn sisters flying around a half sun, half moon object in the center. "How do you do it?" she asks me. "How do you remain in this castle, Silver Shard, constantly surrounded by reminders of what happened?"

This really got my attention. It was the first time in awhile that she had called me by my name. Something was wrong. "I don't know," I reply. Damn it, I should have said something better. She's asking me for advise and all I have to say is that I don't know? What's wrong with me?

She looks at me disappointedly. "So that's it? You're just running on automatic huh?"

"No, I mean..." I hesitate before finding my voice. "I didn't know Celestia or Luna on personal level like you did." I sit down next to her. "I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must feel."

"So why do you do this, then? Why do you insist on always being my guard even when you seem so tired?"

I've actually kind of expected this question for awhile now. I think about it all the time and I still don't know. I'm not scared that it will happen again. I don't really worry about it either, but I just can't shake the feeling. I won't let Equestria down again.

After giving the question some more thought, I give her the best answer I can come up with. "When those psychopaths attacked, I was knocked out before I could really do anything. If I had been awake, able to fight, maybe Celestia and Luna would both still be alive. I have to make up for that."

Twilight looked at me sadly. "You can't blame yourself for what happened, Silver. Even if you were able to fight, there wouldn't be any guarantee that the outcome would have been different."

"To be perfectly honest," I say, "I don't know why I do this, why I feel like I have to make up for my failure to do my duty."

"So you feel like you have a responsibility now?"

I nod without saying anything. She is now my responsibility. I would never forgive myself if something like that happened again. It would probably drive me mad. I finally speak after silence falls again. "I guess my sense of duty just won't let me go. I've been told that it's pretty strong."

"Silver, that's not your sense of duty," she says looking up at me. "That's guilt."

"Guilt?" I say. I must have sounded confused because she nods to me in confirmation.

We don't get to talk much about this. The clock strikes noon and now I have to get Twilight to the throne room. "Come on, Princess," I say, sinking back into my official guard persona. "I need to get you to the afternoon ceremonies. You still have a few speeches to give.

She sighs lightly and follows me through the halls, almost reluctantly.

I turn to her once more. "I'll give what you said some thought, thank you."

Twilight gives me sad smile, before we continue through to the throne room.

Guilt. Guilt. Is that what I'm feeling. Do I actually blame myself? No, of course not. But maybe Twilight has a point. Maybe I am being a little hard on myself. Perhaps she is right. I just need to mourn like everypony else and move on with my life. Would that make this broken feeling go away? Do I just need to let it all out?

The afternoon ceremonies pass by relatively quickly. Yet again, Twilight's speech was emotional and everypony was crying, even... me? I have a tear going down my face. How is this...? I feel different. Not better or even all that good, just different, maybe a little lighter. I think I've finally made my decision.

I walk up to Twilight who is happy to see me. I tell her what I've decided. I want to take the next couple of days off like she had originally told me to. After thinking, I realize that she is right. I need to get away, I need a break. I've pushed myself to hard all this time.

This makes Twilight just a little happy. She's obviously been wanting to help me and I just push her away. So now I'm taking her advice. I'm going to spend the rest of the week at home with my family. Hopefully I can go back to feeling right again, feeling like I'm not broken inside anymore. I guess only time will tell.

Author's Note

I really enjoyed writing this. This was originally a random idea I had that I was going to put somewhere in a longer multi-chapter story, but I decided to turn it into something small an nice instead. Also, at the last minute before writing, I decided to make it be from the point of view of a guard. I figured it would be a good way to practice writing in the first person. So anyways, here it is. Hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading.