Most stories start with someone at the bottom of the heap. Most stories start with a normal day. Most stories start, well, average. Not this one. I was riding high. Most people would be, if they ever managed to find their way to where I was at the time. Specifically, I was standing on a corpse with my sword embedded in its skull, the skull of a dragon. Good place to be, all things considered. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do this myself. Like any respectable adventurer, I was part of a party. Still, though, I landed the death blow on the bastard, so I was in a good mood.
“Well, now. That wasn’t so bad!” I said, all smiles, despite my numerous injuries.
“Fuck you.” That was our Caster. A real bucket of sunshine, that one. He’d lost both his arms long before we met, but he was rather proficient with telekinesis, so it never became an issue for him.
“Is it over?” Our Rogue came out from behind the rocks she’d used to hide. I think she peed herself when she realized just how worthless daggers and sneak attacks were on a flying dragon. Not that she was a pillar of courage normally.
The Bard didn’t say anything, on account of being crushed under dragon carcass. I wasn’t too worried. We’d all tried our level best to kill that idiot at some point, but he had an annoying tendency to just… show up again. Freaky.
Our Cleric didn’t add anything either, but she had a different reason. She was currently using her voice for prayers to heal us up. I liked her best. All business; no real quirks to speak of.
Of course, I really should have known this was too good to be true. I’d finally worked my way to the top of the food chain, so to speak, so it was only a matter of time till I learned that the ecosystem I was thrashing around in was really only a gigantic stomach.
I decided to broach the topic of treasure, since that was what we were here for. “So! How should we divvy up all this loo-”
My eyes darted to the side. Was that…? No. Not possible. Not now.
I continued, “I call any epic swords.”
Wait… there! On the other side! Another one!
“Oh. Shit.” The sparkles. I thought I’d seen the last of them.
“What… What are those?” That was the Caster again, only this was the first time I’d heard genuine interest in his voice.
“No. NO. Nononononono!” I was, against the image I tried to project, crying like a baby. There were more of them now. The world was fading out. “This can’t be happening! Not again!” But it was, and, just like that, I was torn out of the world I’d come to know. For the second time.
As I whipped through the stuff universes are made of, I was decidedly pissed. I had been from a place called Earth, originally, which was, all in all, a pretty boring place. You could make it interesting for a while, if you tried, but someone or something inevitably put a stop to your fun. So when I was ripped away from there, I was only sad a very little while.
The place I had just been pulled from, though? That place was exciting. I KILLED A FUCKING DRAGON BY DRIVING A FUCKING SWORD THROUGH ITS FUCKING HEAD! And maybe I had picked up some bad habits there. Maybe I never used to reflexively think about how to kill anything and everything I came across. But I never had courage, either. I was never strong. No one ever looked at me with respect, even the grudging kind. So fuck you, magic transporting sparkles. I was happy there. Maybe I never learned the value of friendship like you had promised, or threatened, but damn it! I fucking killed a dragon! You couldn’t let me have that?
The sparkles didn’t speak right away, which was funny because last time they wouldn’t shut up about some greater purpose to my coming adventure. How it was going to change me for the better, make me into a better person, or some shit. Didn’t work though. Stabbing things for money and glory turned out to be too much fun.
But even though they weren’t speaking, I could sense their disapproval, it was, in this abstract place, nearly tangible, and so I decided to have some fun. Lighten my mood, while worsening theirs.
“Oh, man. The silent treatment? Now you’ve gone and hurt my feelings.”
The reply came swiftly, and in that strange voice that only a thousand creatures speaking in harmony can achieve. Intimidating, at least the first time I’d heard it. Now it just seemed… cliché, and I was decidedly unimpressed.
“We are displeased with you.”
“Do tell.”
“You have failed in your journey, and have failed those who might have been your lifelong friends.”
“Damn. The error of my ways is now apparent to me.”
“Make light all you wish. We still control your destination. You will learn the power of friendship. Where you’re going, yes...”
“Oh?” I tried not to sound interested. To be honest, I was worried they were gonna send me to see the Care Bears, or something. Their “Care Bear Stare” was little better than brainwashing, as far as I was concerned.
“During your ‘adventure’, a new plane surfaced, and it seems to specialize in making males your age recognize the value of friendship.”
“New plane?” A little insight into the workings of the universe? For me? You shouldn’t have.
“Goodbye.”
The sparkles must have been rather upset with me, because at journey’s end, I didn’t fade in on the ground. I was up. Way up. More up than is healthy, if you catch my drift. Most of my equipment was gone as well. I was pretty well screwed. I did still have the magical things I’d acquired on my journey, but that wasn’t much, and none of it was helpful now. A lantern necklace and, my pride and joy, The Seven League Boots. No one, except probably The sparkles, knew I had them, and they had certainly come in handy along the way. Couldn’t step on air, though. Too bad.
As I was falling, I got a good look around. The place was… bright? Was that the way to put it? Vibrant probably worked better. The whole thing looked like a cartoon. It was surreal, and coming from a guy who’s fought off the undead and been to the realm of the Fey, that’s saying something.
There was something coming towards me, as well. Good. If I aimed right, I could step on it, and use the boots to get to the ground. Preferably before it ate me. As I moved to land on it, it kept readjusting for a head-on collision course. Frustrating, and that meant it was actually after me, and, most likely, our meetup wasn’t by chance. It was big. And pink. It looked like, a hot-air balloon, maybe? That was reassuring.
I was just glad it wasn’t a sky-whale. Things are nasty.
“Hello!” I heard, coming from the object.
“Lend a fellow a hand?” I yelled back. The thing was still a fair distance off, but I was not concerned. It would catch me long before I hit ground.
“Lend a what?” The same voice again, clearer this time, and obviously female.
“I think it asked for a… band?” A male voice this time, he was clearly confused.
“Well, we don’t have a band, so how about we just help you instead?” the first voice asked, and, I noted with a pleased smile, their voice was laced with sarcasm.
“Sounds fine to me!” I said, and I angled my descent towards the balloon. “I’m gonna land on top! I’ll meet you on the ground!”
“No wait!” Too late. My boot touched hot fabric, and with its magic, my next step was on solid ground. I was getting good with those. I wound up in a grassy field, far below the balloon, but it was rapidly descending. With nothing to do but wait, I sat down.
As I waited, I thought about my situation. The sparkles had obviously placed me for that balloon to spot, so it could pluck me from the air and I would feel grateful, which would lead to friendship, blah blah blah. It was a bit transparent, to be honest. The simple thing to do, then, would be to leave. A little too simple. If I was gonna get off this plane and back to my hard earned treasure, I needed to prove this place couldn’t change me. And that meant facing the sparkles’ agent, head on.
“Are you okay down there?” The female voice. The balloon was in range again.
“Just fine.”
“My name is Twilight, do… do you have a name?”
“None I’ll be sharing with strangers.”
And that was when I saw the horrible brilliance of the sparkles’ plan. The creature, and it was a creature, recoiled as I said those words. It had only just become visible, and it already looked like it wanted to cry. I felt… bad. This thing was looking at me like I’d just admitted to stabbing its grandmother. Plus, it was adorable. I mean, no holds barred cute. That wasn’t helping. I felt like I’d just kicked my best friend’s three-legged puppy that he had gotten from his dad just before he had passed on.
“Well… maybe… we could be friends then?” It was in front of me now, having bridged the gap between us slowly. It looked vulnerable. Were its eyes red?
“Friendship is something I give even less often than my name, creature.” I said, ignoring my emotions, and trying to maintain control.
That was apparently the last straw, because she suddenly started bawling. I took the opportunity that gave me to study the thing. Seemingly equine, although her coloration suggested serious mutations. It was probably just some wizards mucking about with reality… again. It looked like they, whoever “they” were, had been trying to make a unicorn, and their kid sister had added her two cents into the mix.
“Way to go, guy.” The male voice was back, and sounding snider than I was willing to put up with, at least, when directed at myself. “I’d finally gotten her to calm down.”
I wheeled on the offending voice, only to see a baby dragon. I reached for my sword, which had not magically returned to me since I’d last checked for it. So, I decided to tread more carefully.
“Apologies. I’m not sure where I am. For all I knew, she planned to use my Name to enslave me.”
The dragon wasn’t impressed by my reasoning. He just waddled on past me, shaking his head, and moved to comfort the creature. I watched in amusement as the dragon stroked the sobbing mare.
“There, there… Come on, Twi, don’t you want to study the ugly rude thing?”
I bristled, but could do nothing against a dragon, child or no, without a weapon, and I wasn’t willing to trust that the laws of magic were the same here. I was, therefore, defenseless, which, by the way, really pissed me off.
“…Y…yes.” The purple abomination looked up at me, sniffling. The longer she stared, the more fire I saw in her eyes. “Skeletal structure… Bipedal… Styled mane? Clothes? Did you come from some kind of civilization?”
I sighed. Wasn’t going to be explaining myself that easily. Turning, I took a Step, blasting myself far away from the “unicorn”, my plans of subverting the sparkles’ machinations momentarily forgotten.
Then, in a flash of light, the creature was in front of me again.
Step.
Flash!
Step.
Flash!
Ste-
“How are you doing that?” she asked. “Is it… the boots?” Then she committed the worst crime anyone ever could. She took my Boots. Took them right off of my feet!
It was a good thing I’d been knocked over in the process, as I certainly wasn’t going to be standing for this. “Fucking drop them!”
She got over my rudeness surprisingly quickly. Her eyes blazed with something I’d later come to recognize as scientific determination. “Answer my questions!”
“No.” I’m nothing if not completely incorrigible.
“Well, then, no yourself.” I couldn’t decide what was more surprising, that statement, or how pleased she seemed with it.
Now, considering my shock at suddenly becoming a victim of theft, it’s not surprising I failed to notice the method in which my boots were stolen. When I finally noticed that the cretin was using telekinesis, I became terrified. No wizard had ever successfully created a creature that was itself capable of wizardry. This meant that I was either dealing with an unprecedentedly powerful wizard, or, more disturbingly, this… pony, was a natural creature. It, and its ilk, had bred and evolved. Somehow nature had allowed for this species to survive. I had finally grasped my situation. All the vibrant colors, the lack of any sharp corners, and the naiveté of what had to be, given the evidence, the dominant species, they pointed towards one thing. The sparkles, in their infinite cruelty, had sent me into a children’s television show.
Fuck.
Twilight’s village was… disturbingly cheery. Not that I was surprised. So was she, even when upset at me for being obstinate, rude, or generally myself. Whatever it was that had her down before we met, she’d apparently forgotten about it.
While Twilight was a happy camper, I was anything but. Dear god, the questions! They hadn’t stopped, not since we started walking, her towards her town, and I towards my boots. Where was I from? Where there more like me? Could I do any magic? How did I know Equestrian if I’d never seen a pony before? All of them intelligent questions, which made them even more fun to answer like an idiot, or not at all.
Anyway, the town. It was aptly named, I’ll give it that. I knew I fondly remember my childhood growing up in Persontown. I mentioned as much to Twilight, as I once more leapt at my boots, attempting to wrench them from her grasp.
She stopped, looked at me, and said, “Now we’re making progress! But I didn’t grow up in Ponyville, I was born in Canterlot.”
Five minutes later, my brain had finished processing just how absurdly silly my life had become, and we continued walking towards town. I say continued walking, because we weren’t actually there yet. The colors of the town were simply so vibrantly obnoxious that I could smell the cheer from what had to be half a mile away from the first building. It smelled annoying. And pink.
We were destined to never reach our destination, at least, not before encountering a member of the townsfolk. I was suddenly bowled over by a bright blue ball of fluff. An angry one.
“Who are you? Why did you steal Twilight?”
“What.” I said, without enthusiasm. I was barely having any trouble standing back up, despite the battering the flying …thingy was trying to give me. “I did no such thing.” As if I would want her.
“Oh yeah? Then how come she just disappeared all the sudden? Twilight wouldn’t run away without her friends! You must have taken her!”
The talking blue object flew backwards incredibly fast, and suddenly switched directions. It was trying to knock me back down. Not fucking happening.
She, and I’m just guessing at gender, but it sounded female so, she came barreling back at me, flying faster than almost anything I’d ever seen. Almost being the operative word. She was fast, but Blast Pixies are faster. I spent a long time learning to swat them down, but it was worth every second. Nothing is quite so satisfying. She was admittedly bigger than they, but it was the principle of the thing.
Rather than crash into my stomach, like she’d expected, she ran into the palm of my hand. She was moving far too fast for me to stop in her tracks, but redirecting her motion wasn’t out of the question. A backflip did the trick nicely, and had the side effect of looking incredibly badass. I now held her down by the face, pinned to the ground underneath me. Cartoon physics nicely complimented my already superhuman skills.
There was a moment where everything and everyone stopped, shocked at what I’d done, and Twilight gasped. I took a good long look at the thing, it was a pegasus in the same way that Twilight was a unicorn, not quite what I was used too, but similar enough to count.
Then the absurdly maned Pegasus began struggling again. Still, I’d wrestled giants. I didn’t win, but I survived, which is as close as it gets when something is that much bigger than you. Her pathetic excuse for thrashing didn’t even register. I was once again left wondering how a species like this could have evolved. They seemed to have no self preservation instincts, given that they bull-rush strange creatures indiscriminately.
“Ready to be civilized? Say no. I dare you.” I don’t usually play around with the stuff that attacks me, but this thing seemed to know Twilight, and she had my Boots. I needed to tone it the fuck down long enough to get them back. That was going swimmingly so far, in case you were wondering. I’m not a nice guy.
The winged sonic the hedgehog clone gave me a nasty glare. It might have shaken me back on earth, but she was a year or so too late for that.
“Could… you please let Rainbow Dash get up?” That was Twilight, who was finally giving me the sort of look I was used to receiving.
Unfortunately, the terrified respect I’d instilled evaporated as I rolled on the ground, laughing uncontrollably at the poor thing’s name.
“Rai.. Rainbow? Rainbow DASH!?” I couldn’t halt the hysterics I found myself stricken by. What a name!
The newly named “Rainbow Dash” was as unimpressed by my behavior as I was by her name, and didn’t seem intent on hiding it. Twilight looked disturbed by the emotions on the pegasi’s face, but it just got me giggling again.
She let out a groan of frustration, gave Twilight a look that said “We’ll talk about this later, egghead”, and she flew off. Midway though her flight she… exploded. Like, one second she was there, and then all there was was a giant rainbow mushroom cloud. The shockwave hit after a moment, but bracing myself proved useless, since it was more “feelings” than force. Only on a kids show can you literally be hit with positive emotions. I hate this place.
Twilight had this blissful look on her face, like she’d just been reliving her favorite day, or some other gooey shit. I used the intervening time to steal the Boots back. Once they were securely planted on my feet, I felt like I had a better chance against that pegasi, since, given that she could apparently move fast enough to explode, she had obviously been holding back. By the way, that pissed me off.
She still can’t wrestle for shit.
Now, I could have left right then and there. I had my boots back, after all. But now that I’d tasted the magic of friendship I… not buying it? Good. You’re learning.
Anyhow, I still had The Sparkles’ plan to contend with. This Twilight was obviously my intended friend-thing. I wasn’t impressed, but even if I weren’t out to actively disprove The Sparkles, this place was interesting enough to hold my attention. In a stupidly peaceful land like this, my usual tactics were going to fail. As much as it irked me, I knew I couldn’t just murder Twilight and be done with her. The entire town, if not the continent, would turn on me in a flash. I’d been falling into a pattern, been verging on predictable. Murder obstacle, rinse hands, repeat. It worked for a while, but it was becoming tired, old. Couldn’t have that. This place would hone my tactics. If I was going to succeed here, while still foiling The Sparkles, I needed wits, not strength. Luckily, I was aces at both.
I continued towards the town. Twilight eventually followed me, after snapping out of her stupor. She was allowed to catch up, but only because I didn’t want to get lost in that horrid little thing we were walking towards.
“You’re still going to Ponyville?” Twilight looked genuinely confused, but my reasoning was simple.
“Yeah. Ponyville has something that the forest can’t offer me.”
Her eyes lit up with 'The Magic of Friendship'. “Does that mean you're…?”
I finished my thought with a nasty grin.
“Toilets.”
