Sparklequest: Friendship is Inevitable

Twilight’s village was… disturbingly cheery.  Not that I was surprised. So was she, even when upset at me for being obstinate, rude, or generally myself.  Whatever it was that had her down before we met, she’d apparently forgotten about it.

While Twilight was a happy camper, I was anything but. Dear god, the questions! They hadn’t stopped, not since we started walking, her towards her town, and I towards my boots. Where was I from? Where there more like me? Could I do any magic? How did I know Equestrian if I’d never seen a pony before? All of them intelligent questions, which made them even more fun to answer like an idiot, or not at all.

Anyway, the town. It was aptly named, I’ll give it that. I knew I fondly remember my childhood growing up in Persontown. I mentioned as much to Twilight, as I once more leapt at my boots, attempting to wrench them from her grasp.

She stopped, looked at me, and said, “Now we’re making progress! But I didn’t grow up in Ponyville, I was born in Canterlot.”

Five minutes later, my brain had finished processing just how absurdly silly my life had become, and we continued walking towards town. I say continued walking, because we weren’t actually there yet. The colors of the town were simply so vibrantly obnoxious that I could smell the cheer from what had to be half a mile away from the first building. It smelled annoying. And pink.

We were destined to never reach our destination, at least, not before encountering a member of the townsfolk. I was suddenly bowled over by a bright blue ball of fluff. An angry one.

“Who are you? Why did you steal Twilight?”

“What.” I said, without enthusiasm. I was barely having any trouble standing back up, despite the battering the flying …thingy was trying to give me. “I did no such thing.” As if I would want her.

“Oh yeah? Then how come she just disappeared all the sudden? Twilight wouldn’t run away without her friends! You must have taken her!”

The talking blue object flew backwards incredibly fast, and suddenly switched directions. It was trying to knock me back down. Not fucking happening.

She, and I’m just guessing at gender, but it sounded female so, she came barreling back at me, flying faster than almost anything I’d ever seen. Almost being the operative word. She was fast, but Blast Pixies are faster. I spent a long time learning to swat them down, but it was worth every second. Nothing is quite so satisfying. She was admittedly bigger than they, but it was the principle of the thing.

Rather than crash into my stomach, like she’d expected, she ran into the palm of my hand. She was moving far too fast for me to stop in her tracks, but redirecting her motion wasn’t out of the question. A backflip did the trick nicely, and had the side effect of looking incredibly badass. I now held her down by the face, pinned to the ground underneath me. Cartoon physics nicely complimented my already superhuman skills.

There was a moment where everything and everyone stopped, shocked at what I’d done, and Twilight gasped. I took a good long look at the thing, it was a pegasus in the same way that Twilight was a unicorn, not quite what I was used too, but similar enough to count.

Then the absurdly maned Pegasus began struggling again. Still, I’d wrestled giants. I didn’t win, but I survived, which is as close as it gets when something is that much bigger than you. Her pathetic excuse for thrashing didn’t even register. I was once again left wondering how a species like this could have evolved. They seemed to have no self preservation instincts, given that they bull-rush strange creatures indiscriminately.

“Ready to be civilized? Say no. I dare you.” I don’t usually play around with the stuff that attacks me, but this thing seemed to know Twilight, and she had my Boots. I needed to tone it the fuck down long enough to get them back. That was going swimmingly so far, in case you were wondering. I’m not a nice guy.

The winged sonic the hedgehog clone gave me a nasty glare. It might have shaken me back on earth, but she was a year or so too late for that.

“Could… you please let Rainbow Dash get up?” That was Twilight, who was finally giving me the sort of look I was used to receiving.

Unfortunately, the terrified respect I’d instilled evaporated as I rolled on the ground, laughing uncontrollably at the poor thing’s name.

“Rai.. Rainbow? Rainbow DASH!?” I couldn’t halt the hysterics I found myself stricken by. What a name!

The newly named “Rainbow Dash” was as unimpressed by my behavior as I was by her name, and didn’t seem intent on hiding it. Twilight looked disturbed by the emotions on the pegasi’s face, but it just got me giggling again.

She let out a groan of frustration, gave Twilight a look that said “We’ll talk about this later, egghead”, and she flew off. Midway though her flight she… exploded. Like, one second she was there, and then all there was was a giant rainbow mushroom cloud. The shockwave hit after a moment, but bracing myself proved useless, since it was more “feelings” than force. Only on a kids show can you literally be hit with positive emotions. I hate this place.

Twilight had this blissful look on her face, like she’d just been reliving her favorite day, or some other gooey shit. I used the intervening time to steal the Boots back. Once they were securely planted on my feet, I felt like I had a better chance against that pegasi, since, given that she could apparently move fast enough to explode, she had obviously been holding back. By the way, that pissed me off.

She still can’t wrestle for shit.

Now, I could have left right then and there. I had my boots back, after all. But now that I’d tasted the magic of friendship I… not buying it? Good. You’re learning.

Anyhow, I still had The Sparkles’ plan to contend with. This Twilight was obviously my intended friend-thing. I wasn’t impressed, but even if I weren’t out to actively disprove The Sparkles, this place was interesting enough to hold my attention. In a stupidly peaceful land like this, my usual tactics were going to fail. As much as it irked me, I knew I couldn’t just murder Twilight and be done with her. The entire town, if not the continent, would turn on me in a flash. I’d been falling into a pattern, been verging on predictable. Murder obstacle, rinse hands, repeat. It worked for a while, but it was becoming tired, old. Couldn’t have that. This place would hone my tactics. If I was going to succeed here, while still foiling The Sparkles, I needed wits, not strength. Luckily, I was aces at both.

I continued towards the town. Twilight eventually followed me, after snapping out of her stupor. She was allowed to catch up, but only because I didn’t want to get lost in that horrid little thing we were walking towards.

“You’re still going to Ponyville?” Twilight looked genuinely confused, but my reasoning was simple.

“Yeah. Ponyville has something that the forest can’t offer me.”

Her eyes lit up with 'The Magic of Friendship'. “Does that mean you're…?”

I finished my thought with a nasty grin.

“Toilets.”