So, like, chapter one, and stuff, lol.
Dear Diary, boys are stupid. Now that that's over, we can like, talk about our day and stuff. So like, I woke up this morning, and omg, my alarm clock is sooo annoying. I just want to like, throw it really hard against the wall or something. Like, I seriously would, but then I'd have to pay for the new one, and electrical thingys are totally expensive around ponyville. And then I go the the bathroom, and I comb my mane and stuff. Bedheads are totally annoying. I walk downstairs, and my parents are there. So then my parent's are all "Hey Palm Beach nehnehnehnehnehneh!", and they were asking ME to go take out the trash! Can you believe it? That's totally gross, and they should like, do it themselves. I'm not their slave! UGH! So then I was all like "Screw you bitch, I'm leaving!", and then I like totally slammed the door shut on their faces as they tried to bitch me out and stuff. I'm totally hungry though, and I know my friend Silver Surf has some totally great nachos, so I like, head over to her house.
So like, I ring her doorbell, and she totally answers the door. We, like, give each other a rump bump and head inside. She's got a TV. You know how expensive those things are?So like, she goes and makes the nachos, and I'm totally flipping though the channels, and then, Oh. My. God. Equestria Shore is totally on right now. It's so funny watching Wookie be a total whore for PWoww. And then they were like, totally making out and getting drunk. So like, Silver Surf comes back, and we're totally eating nachos like pigs, and then she, like, throws a nacho at me, and I'm all "Oh my god, I know you didn't!" and then she just like, totally smirks and throws another one! So then I throw a nacho back at her, but I miss, and it totally hits PWoww's face on the TV. And then, Silver Surf runs into the kitchen and grabs like, three bottles of whipped cream and totally sprays it all over me!
So, then, I like, steal one from her and then I squirt her in the face with my cream. And then we are like, totally having a whipped cream war, and the house is like, getting totally filthy, but that's okay, because the house totally belongs to her parents. We are totally not gonna clean it up for them. And so like, all of the whipped cream is gone, and we are totally filthy. We go the the kitchen to get some paper towels, but oh my god, can you believe it? All of the paper towels are gone. So, like, I lick the whipped cream off of her face. She totally looks a little nervous, but I tell her that is isn't gross and lesbian because for one, all the paper towels are gone, two, using toilet paper instead would be totally disgusting, and for three, if we took a bath to wash it off, it would be a total waste of perfectly oh my god delicious whipped cream.
So like, we're totally both licking (almost) every inch of each others bodies, trying to get off as much whipped cream as possible. But we were totally" making sure to stay away from each other's no-no parts, because that would be gross, and lesbians are gross. So then, we like, leave the house to go get some paper towels. Unfortunately, Mare-Mart was all out of them, so we had to go the the market. That is totally gross. The market is like, totally for poor people, and poor people are disgusting and dirty.
And so, like, we're totally at the market, and like, it's totally taking forever to find the paper towel vendor. There's a sign that says "pot vendor", and me and Silver Surf are all "Oh my god, that it totally awesome!" And so like, we go up to the stand, but she's just selling boring old pots and pans. Ugh, how lame can you get? And so like, there were these two lesbians drinking a milkshake. You could, like, totally tell they were lesbians by how their flanks, like, totally jiggled when they walked. So, like every straight person would do, I was all "EEEWWW, LESBIANSSSS!", and I just got a bunch of funny looks.
And then, like, me and Silver Surf were totally in front of an asparagus stand when this loser lesbian comes along. You can tell she was a total lesbian because of how soft and supple her lips looked, and she was totally a lesbian yellow color. And so, she was like, trying to get the the asparagus, but like, only losers like asparagus. And then she got too close to me, so I was all "Would you mind moving back, you're in my personal space." And then she said the word "butt", (How typical of a lesbian), and Silver Surf was all "Seriously, do you need asparagus so badly? Get a life!" And then she just walked away like a total loser. So then, we like made out way to the paper towel vendor, but they were totally out. So, I'm all "Oh my gos, why are all the paper towels always gone?" and Silver Surf is all "Oh my god, I know, right?"
So then we decided to like, go the the beach. The carriage pullers could NOT have gone slower, oh my god. And so, like 3 hours later, we finally got there. Thank. God. For some reason, all the ponies were running and screaming about something, so me and Silver Surf decided that we should totally figure out what all the ruckus is about. So like,there was this bear at the beach, and he was like, holding a volleyball and a bucket of seashells. Psh, what a loser bear. The only cool thing to do at a beach is surf, everypony knows that. So then, Silver Surf went up to the bear, and she was all "Oh my god, you are such a loser. Seashells and volleyball are like, the lamest things ever. GET. A. LIFE." And then the bear got mad, and it like, totally punched her in the face. She can back, like, totally limping in pain, but she was so ugly with all of her missing teeth that I totld her I couldn't be her friend anymore, because she was so ugly now.
And then she was all "help me, please. It hurts so bad!", so then I was all "Oh my god, I don't help ugly people. Come back to me when you clean that blood off your face and get a set of new teeth! Psh, losers. So then, I like, headed home, where my parents bitched to me about being a bad daughter and saying that I was a mistake. I was all "Screw you gu-
The familiar sound of clopping footsteps told her that someone was approaching, but was too late to hide the evidence.
A soft and gentle voice greeted her.
"Why, hello Rainbow Dash. What are you writing about?"
