Regret, remorse, and a violated feeling
Regret, remorse, and a violated feeling
Never again, I promised myself.
Never again would I ever let myself be taken advantage of like that. Worst part of all of this is that I have nobody to blame but myself.
The way Soarin asked me to prom, I pretty much had to say yes. It had been just after my eighteenth birthday, at the spring pep rally. He had gotten the entire soccer team to hold up a sign asking if i'd go with him. I would have looked like the biggest jerk at Canterlot High if I had said no.
Not that I minded. Actually, I was really happy about it. Soarin's a little older than me, and I'd had a crush on him for awhile, but I could never work up the guts to say anything to him. Yeah, I know, the mighty Rainbow Dash is too scared to ask a guy on a date. Sue me. Even I'm afraid of some things.
I have no idea why I cared so much about the prom. I don't do fancy, period. Even when I have to get dressed up for things like weddings, or banquets for the soccer team, I'm not happy about it. But for some reason, the whole prom thing meant a hell of a lot to me. Soarin and I might have even had a chance at winning prom king and queen. We are the school's sports stars, and we're both popular enough to pull it off. I didn't mind not winning in the end, but I still thought about the possibility. There I was, Rainbow Dash, self proclaimed most awesome person in school, wearing a dress, blushing and giggling like a schoolgirl. I gag whenever I look at the pictures.
The dance sucked, but at least for me, nothing happened that I would call a disaster. I mean sure, the food was awful and the music was worse, but hey, I go to public school, so it was nothing my stomach couldn't handle. And considering I go to a school where random song-and-dance numbers are a common occurrence, I've kind of become immune to whatever garbage the top 50 pop songs can throw at me. It's what happened afterwards that's got me beating myself up, and like I said, there's no one I can blame for this but myself.
As much as I'd like to say it was all Soarin's fault, I know in my heart that's not true. And if I were to say that, not only would I be lying to myself, but the way things would end up unfolding I'd probably end up having to tell that same lie to the police.
Jesus, I was an idiot.
I really should have known what I was getting myself into when he asked if I wanted to come home with him. His parents were away on business for the weekend, so he had the house all to himself. The plan had been for everyone to meet up the next morning and go to the beach, but the time from the minute prom ended until everyone was awake the next day was left up to us.
It's not like I can pretend I didn't know what he had in mind either. I knew full well. Soarin has a fair reputation at school as something of a horn dog and a womanizer, and the amount of comments he was making about my ass or my chest or other things got to the point where even Applejack was getting put off.
I didn't stop him. I didn't even try. Hell, most of the time I was encouraging him. I'd say something like, "Yeah, you want some of this, don't you, big boy?" More than once I let him feel me up, and no matter what he did I just keep playing along with him. Honestly I'm surprised he managed to keep it in his pants for as long as he did.
I had more than enough chances to say no. At one point, Twilight even pulled me aside and gave me a whole speech about how if I felt uncomfortable, I could say no to him, and I would have their full support no matter what happened. She said sex was a big thing and that if I didn't feel ready I would be better off just saying no. I told her she was being prudish about the whole thing, that I wanted to go with Soarin. She knew she couldn't talk me out of it, so she just left it at that and sat back down at our table.
All I got after that was one quick are you sure? look from Rarity when our limo dropped us off at Soarin's house. I had ran home to grab a couple things, some pajamas and a change of clothes for the next day. My parents were asleep and I didn't wake them up. Back at Soarin's, he was already waiting for me.
With his parents out of town, he had helped himself to their liquor cabinet. If there is one bit of credit I'd give myself after all this, it's that I didn't drink. Not that it mattered. My judgment isn't much better sober. I almost gave in, almost took him up on his offer to take a few shots, or let him make me a drink. After everything that's happened, I will say this; that boy knows his way around the bar.
I said no to the drinks, but that's about it. He had a few himself, not to the point where he was black-out drunk, but enough to the point where what little inhibition and class he still had were gone. He told me to get myself ready and come upstairs. I was scared shitless. It was almost unreal. I mean, I'd kind of been looking forward to losing my virginity for awhile, but now that the moment had come, I was terrified. I've done some pretty brave stuff in the past. I stood up to a raging she-demon at the fall formal, and fought three singing seductresses at the battle of the bands with nothing but my friends and a guitar. All of that, and somehow I was still on the verge of tears right before something that was supposed to be a magical experience.
I took off my dress, and tenderly hung it in the guest bedroom. Rarity had put her heart and soul into making it for me, and there was no way I would let anything happen to it. Nervously, I stripped off my socks, my bra, and my underwear, leaving myself totally exposed and feeling completely vulnerable. I pulled the pins in my hair out, letting it fall down my back. I stared at myself in the mirror, feeling totally inadequate. My bra had been padded a fair amount to disguise how small my chest actually was. When Rarity had been tailoring my dress, I asked if she could do anything to make the bust look a bit bigger. She said she'd try, and somehow pulled through for me. Even with all that work, mine still weren't nearly as large as Rarity's or Pinkie's, but at least they appeared to be comparable to Twilight's, which were still small, but cute.
Without all the padding and clever tailoring, I realized for the first time in awhile how boyish I actually looked. This was the first time I actually cared. I mean, when you're an athlete it's an advantage to not have big breasts, because having them bouncing everywhere when you're running is a pain in the ass, and from what I've been told, it's really uncomfortable.
But when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see an athlete. My face was still painted thick with makeup, as was a good deal of the rest of me. Rarity had painted over the scars and blemishes years of soccer had put on my body. Even though I was alone with Soarin, who as a soccer player himself surely wouldn't mind, I left it on.
Rarity, who's a few months older than me, had lost her V-card a few months ago, had said the minutes leading up to it were the most exciting of her life. But when I walked upstairs toward Soarin's lair, I felt like I was walking to an execution. Again, I could have left, I could have said no. Nothing would have stopped me. I guess I had deluded myself into thinking I wanted it too. I pushed away my worries and dismissed them as bad nerves. After all, I'm Rainbow Dash, the most awesome girl in school. Sex was supposed to be awesome, right?
Soarin was waiting for me on his parent's bed, laying in wait like a lion. He was butt naked and trying to put on his best sexy pose, but the alcohol was messing with his coordination and made him look really awkward. He was patting a spot next to him on the bed, flicking a finger in a come here gesture. I crossed the last distance separating us, putting on a fake smile and sitting at his side. Even then, I still had high hopes.
A few of my friends who had already had sex for the first time told me what it was like for them. Pinkie's first time had been during the winter, while she was over at Cheese Sandwich's' house to celebrate her eighteenth birthday. It had started snowing, so they sat in front of a fire drinking hot chocolate while Cheese serenaded her with his accordion. She said she had been giggling and smiling the whole time. When Rarity told us about her first time, she couldn't stop saying how suave Hoity-Toity had been the whole time. He had asked her to model for him, which led to him drawing a few sketches of her nude, which led to a very romantic sexual encounter. As I crossed the room toward Soarin, I realized there was one common feature in both my friend's stories that was missing. Both of their boyfriends had made a show out of the whole thing. They hadn't been acting like they were trying to get sex, but even if they were they did a good job pretending they weren't. I hate accordions, but I would have loved to have Soarin play me a song. Or heck, anything that would at least make me think there was something romantic going on. I got no music, no romantic flairs, not even a damn compliment.
No foreplay either. And I'm not even talking any of the kinky stuff they do in erotic novels or anything, I mean NOTHING. For a week after Rarity had done it with Hoity, she wouldn't shut up about how the feeling of his fingers running along her body made every hair stand up on end, or how Pinkie kept saying that Cheese could find every ticklish spot on her body. He didn't even kiss me.
His touch was rough and clumsy, no doubt from all the scotch he'd been drinking. I noticed there was an empty shot glass on the nightstand beside him. He must have been drinking even more before I came in. Rarity said that Hoity-Toity's touch practically melted her body. Soarin's had me frozen. He laid me down on my back, and barely managed to garble out "you ready?"
I said yes.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I don't know if it mattered in the end. With the state he was in, it probably wouldn’t have mattered what I said. But I still said yes.
It wasn’t like he was forcing me either. He had me on the bed, but his hold on my shoulders was very shaky, more like he was holding onto me for stability than pinning me down.
I didn’t sound nervous when I said it. I had banished all the hesitation from myself, smiled and said yes. Without a moment's pause, Soarin went at it.
The last thing I remember clearly was seeing him push his way into me. I felt a wave of pain roll through my body as he started. I bit down on my lip, hard. I felt blood welling up in my mouth, and could feel it on my legs. I held in the screams.
I don't know why none of my friends told me it would hurt. Maybe it didn't for them, or maybe they just had so good an experience they had forgotten. Or maybe Cheese and Hoity just had the decency to be gentle. I don't know if Soarin even knew that I was a virgin beforehand, but even once he started, he didn't ease up one bit.
I think it was over quickly. After he started I had my eyes closed the whole time. I hadn't checked the time before he started, but after he finished, it felt like it had been over before it started. While it was happening though, it felt like an eternity had passed. Twilight had said something dorky once, like " if you put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it feels like an hour. If you spend an hour with a cute guy it feels like a minute" or something like that. Well, the whole thing probably lasted two minutes tops, but it felt like I was there forever.
Bastard didn't even use protection. Rarity always harps on about how important it is to keep something on you at all times just in case, and I used to roll my eyes at her, and say that was stupid. Well, who's the idiot now? I should have said something, but again, I didn't. I had been so scared, I had forgotten about it completely. When I told Twilight, she went and told her brother, who went and told his girlfriend. So pretty soon after that, Cadence came to pick me up. Her mom works at a hospital or something, and Cadence said she could help me get a pregnancy test done as precaution. She promised the whole thing would be kept on the down-low. No one would hear about it. From what Cadence told me, this happens to at least a few girls every year. Either they decided not to use protection, or just forgot. Either way, at least I'm not the only one.
Negative… thank god. That's one less thing I'll have to remember that night by. I guess I'm lucky in that regard. Shining Armor is lucky to have a girlfriend like Cadence. The whole time she was nothing but smiles and reassuring words. Held my hand during the entire procedure. I doubt some of my closest friends would have done that, and yet Cadence did, and I barely know her.
So anyway, after Soarin finished, he pretty much fell asleep right then and there. Drunk bastard barely pulled out before he had collapsed right onto me. He's got a pretty light build, so I was able to push him off without much effort. If it had been anyone bigger, like Applejack's brother or god forbid Bulk Biceps, I would have probably spent the night there. Once he was off me, I realized I could pretty much do whatever I wanted to get back at him for this. In the end though, I just ran out of the room and closed the door. The sooner I could be away from him, the better.
So it was then I had a choice to make. I could have stayed and hope things would be better in the morning, or cut my losses and leave. Needless to say, I chose the second option. An hour earlier though, I'm not sure if I would have. I got a pretty big reality check, and it hit me like a train. I had to decide what the heck I was supposed to do from there. Staying at Soarin's was out of the question. I'd have sooner slept in a gutter than stayed there. I could have gone home, but I knew if my parents found me home, they would know something was the matter. My best bet was to head over to one of my friend's houses and spend the night there. Fluttershy was the closest, and to boot she was home alone. Her parents were out of town, and unlike everyone else, she had gone to prom without a date. It's not like no one asked her either, it's just she didn't feel comfortable going with someone.
Luckily I was able to get in touch with Flutters while she was still awake. All I said to her was that I needed somewhere to crash for the night and I would explain everything when I got there. She told me her front door would be unlocked and she would leave the outside light on for me. No questions asked, she offered me refuge without knowing what might be going on.
Canterlot is a really safe town. Aside from an occasional magical disaster, nothing bad ever happens. Still, the four block distance from Soarin's house to Fluttershy's was probably the scariest run of my life. I put on my dress, leaving my jewelry and heels in my knapsack with my spare clothes, and bolted out the door. I had grabbed a pair of sandals for the beach from home. Not the best shoes for running, but they're a lot better than trying to run in heels. I booked it out of Soarin's without leaving a note or anything. He probably woke up wondering if it had all been a dream.
To make one thing totally clear, I am NOT afraid of the dark. When I was going to Fluttershy's, everything seemed like it was about to jump out and get me. I'm not usually paranoid like that, but I guess a lot of distress will do that to you. I'm not ashamed to say I may have peed myself a little on the home stretch, on Horseshoe Court, Fluttershy's street. It's a side road and doesn't have any streetlights, so I had to run the entire thing in almost total darkness, charging at the lights in Fluttershy's window like it was my salvation.
I caught Flutters just getting out of the shower. I must have looked like hell when I got inside, because she immediately suggested I take a hot shower, and offered to make me some tea. I took her up on the shower in a heartbeat. I took a quick glance at myself in the mirror before I started the water. For the first time I noticed my makeup was running, with long streaks of tears marked on my cheeks. I don't remember crying. It might have been when I was running, or when Soarin was having sex with me, honestly I don't know.
If I had to compare that shower to anything, it was probably as relieving as taking a shower right after a long game soccer game, when your own stink is starting to choke you. Instead of sweat and dirt, I saw globs of makeup and filth I couldn't find the word for washing down the drain. Now I know what it was. Regret, remorse, and a violated feeling.
I gotta hand it to Fluttershy, whoever she marries is gonna be the luckiest person alive. If she knows how to do anything, it's how to spoil you. As soon as I was out and dried, she wrapped me in a fuzzy bathrobe and gave me a fresh cup of herbal tea. I'm not usually a tea drinker, but whatever she gave me made me feel so good inside, like it was cleaning all the filth left behind by Soarin.
I had my tea, then I told her everything. I was pretty much on the brink of hysteria the whole time, and I guess Fluttershy's animals knew it. I hadn't been talking for long before a couple cats had taken an interest in me, and before I knew it I had one rubbing itself on my arm and another happily purring in my lap.
The whole time, Fluttershy didn't say a word. She just let me keep talking, listening to me with rapt attention. Once I finished, and took a minute to breathe, she just asked, "Do you want to do something about this?"
No, I said, I just wanted to forget the whole thing had ever happened. As satisfying as it would have been to have reported Soarin to the police for what he did, I couldn't escape the feeling that I have some responsibility in what happened. I'm just mad. Mad at him, but also mad at myself for going along with him. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess the short answer is I wasn't. Still to this day, I'm trying to figure out what was going through my head. Maybe I thought it was love, or maybe I was just so eager to finally have sex I didn't care that nothing about it was right. I think the biggest mistake I made was putting my trust in Soarin. I thought he loved me. But I realized I was wrong. Right when I first felt him pushing into me without so much as a word, I realized this isn't love.
There was no reason I should have had a good day the next day. I mean, I had questionably been raped, and now was hiding at my friend's house from the same guy. I don't know what Fluttershy had done in the night after I finally fell asleep, but when I woke up and came downstairs, I was in for a surprise.
Sitting around Fluttershy's TV was everyone. Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Sunset Shimmer, and Flutters herself. Also on the couch was Flash Sentry, Hoity-Toity, Caramel, Cheese Sandwich, Big Macintosh, and even Shining Armor and Cadence. I walked downstairs, not quite sure what exactly was going on. Without a word, they all got up and hugged me. In spite of everything that had happened the night before, I felt safe. I guess what had happened is that after I fell asleep, I had been having pretty bad nightmares that had kept Fluttershy awake. She was worried about me. She decided not to call the police, despite everyone else telling her to, but she said she would respect my wishes. She did, however call everyone and tell them that I needed them to be there for me. I guess deep down I knew my friends would always be there for me, but I couldn't have guessed their boyfriends, siblings, or sibling's girlfriends would be there too.
From what the girls told me, the boys had been totally willing to come and see me. Sunset and Macintosh hadn't gone to prom, and ended up having their own date at his house. When Sunset told Mac what had happened, he had threatened to castrate Soarin if he saw him go near me again. I was kinda surprised by how mad he had gotten. Mac has known me since Applejack and I first became friends, and I guess that made him feel protective of me.
Cheese, who I swear I have never seen do anything but laugh and joke was completely straight-faced and sincere the entire morning. Cheese has a pretty important job in the marching band, and he dropped a hint that he's planning to take a few jabs at Soarin next time they play at a game.
And Cadence, who had gotten me into the hospital that Sunday morning to make sure I was okay. There was really no reason she had to. She and Shining could have just left his sister's friend's problems alone and gone down to the beach. Surely they would have had a much nicer time getting drunk and having sex than they would have taking a traumatized girl to the hospital. But not only did Cadence take me, she never made me feel like a burden. If even for a second she was annoyed she was missing her weekend vacation, she didn't once show it.
I'm damn lucky to have as good a circle of friends as I do. I can only imagine how awful it must feel to go through what I went through, but without having people close to you who can make you feel safe. I guess if anything good has come out of all this, it's that I know now that there are more people than I realized who do care about me.
I haven't seen Soarin much around school since prom. Once or twice I have seen him hitting on other girls from the soccer team, but they always seem to shut him down. Good for them. They may not know it, but they may have stopped a nightmare before it started. For me though I have to live with what's happened. Twilight and Cadence both say I'm handling myself very well, and they're proud of me for managing to keep living my life despite having to carry the baggage of what Soarin did to me.
I have to keep going. I can't let what he did ruin me for the rest of my life. This world still has a lot for me. I've got a nice scholarship lined up to go play soccer at a college nearby, and heck, I think my chances of going pro are pretty good. I'm not going to let one scumbag take it all away from me. With my friends at my side, I can stand up to life and keep going forward.
But I will never, ever let myself go through that again.
All this shit because of one stupid dance.
Author's Note
wow. i genuinely have no idea where this came from. This was supposed to be a part of a larger series of unfortunate stories, but i'm realizing that there is literally no experience that could possibly compare to this.
