Letters of a Disgruntled Princess for Disgruntled Ponies

Chapters

Mooning is Magic: Part 2
The Ticket Master
Applebuck Season
Griffon the Brush Off
Mooning is Magic: Part 1

Mooning is Magic: Part 2

Dearest Twilight Porkle,

Oh. My. God. I don’t know how many stallions you went through through, but I waited for at least a day before you found me. When I gave you that first challenge, the last thought on my mind was that the apple pony would drop you from a cliff. I was hoping you would die, but to my despair, the shy one and the gay rainbow caught you just in time.

Oddly enough, you found the most ridiculous ways to get past your other issues. I mean, studying under Celestia, you must be a powerful mare, so why in the hell would you use your friends to solve your issues? Do you really hate them that much? Heck, you could have easily teleported over that bridge, instead of making that dastardly pegasus do it for you.

Don’t even get me started on her obsession with flying.

So finally, after the pointless hours of waiting, you arrived, and when you do, your friends don’t even follow you in! They must not have thought you all had bonded, because really, why would five other ponies let one go into some scary castle by their lonesome?

So, as I thought, you found you couldn’t beat me, and just at the moment I was ready to vanquish you, this magical coincidental scene happens and your acquaintances prance in? Blah blah, you make some long, boring monologue, and then you all use those crushed-up rocks to turn me back into your beloved Princess.

Maybe that’s good, but it still doesn’t change my attitude. I live in a world of idiots, for Celestia’s sake!

So then you find it funny that my sister comes back, and just to look sappy in front of her, I actually pretend to apologize. Like really, does she expect sympathy from me after locking me on that horrendous ball of dust for one thousand years?

Well, to find out, she actually brought back my throne, and I spent countless weeks trying to wipe the obvious scorch marks from it. The bitch didn’t even bother using her magic to clean it, and obviously she was in some troll mood, because even my magic wouldn’t work on the stupid thing. Now my plot probably smells like a thousand ashes.

And to top it all off, every day I’m going to be getting bombarded by letters from you, you purple freak. At the request of my “generous” sister, Skylight what’s-your-name will be sending “friendship” letters everyday. Judging by your actions at that old shack, I doubt they’ll be that happy. Couldn’t Borestia just get the letters sent to her? Of course she can’t.

So now I’m stuck with your crap every day. Thanks a lot, Pielime, for making my already-stressful job even worse.

Your hungry and ever-so-generous princess,
Luna

P.S. Next time you visit, I expect you to bring pie

P.P.S Next letter you send me will stay stuck in that little dragon’s fire. He will choke if you try

P.P.P.S I swear.

The Ticket Master

~~Princess~~ Bowlestia,

You would not believe the day I’ve been having. I mean, it’s already bad enough that you’re making me patrol the night, but honestly, do I have to watch these six drug addicts fight their way through whatever trip they’re on? Admit it, I’m your go-to for everything these freaks do.

Guessing they all were in some state of extreme acid-tripping, I actually decided the fun thing to do would be to prank them, so I sent them Gala tickets under your name.

Oddly enough, you never thought to invite me to the Grand Galloping Gala. I mean, are you some sick, twisted Princess or something? I’ll just throw my own party, and you won’t be invited, or I’ll banish you to the sun. How does that sound, huh?

The funny thing about the tickets is that I only sent two of them. I mean, making all of them go would be a horrendous bother on your “party,” but watching them fight for that ticket was even better. I swore I saw that depressed pink one about to stab Twilight Snorkel with a dagger. I could care less where she got it from, but it was the best thing I’d seen in years.

The best part was that they each tried to do something different for that smartass, and she ended up sending the tickets back to you!

Whew, was I surprised when I later on heard that she did it because she secretly stashed one away for herself. I mean, I knew she was crooked, but not that crooked.

Although I wasn’t really particular about it, you sent six tickets to them, which I still knew you probably hated doing. I mean, nopony can stand those children for more than five minutes. No wonder they’re on something. They could never be noticed without it.

In the end, Spike supposedly found Guymight’s lost ticket. I could care less. It’s not like I’ll be at that party.

Or will I?

You had better watch your back, yellow one, for Princess Luna is coming to spank a mare.

Which reminds me. Today I found Mr. Cake wandering the streets. God his voice is a bother, but he is a grown stallion in bed. I even sent him over to you, but I haven’t heard from him since.

Maybe you do have some sense in that mouse brain of yours after all. Great job.

Your sexy sister of seduction,
Princess Swoona

Applebuck Season

Highlight Marker,

So tell me: How could you honestly let that apple bucking maniac run that orchard? Hell, I’m your greatest customer of cider season, and because I broke that beast Big Mac’s back in the bed last night, you’ll just let ~~cherry~~ apple pony do whatever she wants?

Have you seen her when she’s tired? From what I observed, you sat back while the flying flag of bisexualism flew through your castle and destroyed your books, the entire town of Ponyville got sick, and bunnies started a revolution against the modern ponies.

I mean really, for a mare that keeps tabs on everypony else with all of her organization and friendship and all that shit, you really dropped a bomb here. Ponyville was almost destroyed.

And that presentation. That was possibly the most annoying thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Frankly, it was a good thing that your friends were interrupting you; that was so boring.

And when you finally confront her, what do you do? You leave because she calls you some weird names? Are you her slave or something? What happened to your loyalty to Molestia, your lovely master?

Well, to say the least, Backup Snack won’t be doing harvest season anytime soon. I’ll just destroy her crops the next few years, make my own cider. Maybe I’ll get Rainbow Crash off of her addiction. Until then, maybe I can just give Rainbow some of pink one's stash to keep her away from cider.

Whatever.

Until then, I’ll just make ~~hamburger~~ Big Mac do the work.

Cider-indulging buckmaster,
Princess Luna

Griffon the Brush Off

Alright Pink One,

Explain some things to me. You are the element of ~~honesty~~laughter, right? So why is it that when another friend wants to go off playing, instead of some dumb friendship lesson, you take it as an opportunity to hurt another subject of my kingdom?

I mean seriously, a griffin!? It’s obvious they could kick your ass in a war, they’re so violent, so you must be as white in the head as that dumb alter ego of yours.

Happy nuclear fallout.

Luna

Mooning is Magic: Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

Could you seriously have sent me a worse foe against myself? I mean yeah, I knew I was coming back, and so did you. But Twilight Sparkle? God, just her talking was almost enough to make me want to give up. What is she, your fucking slave? You could’ve sent Cadence or some other pony, but you had to send the annoying purple thing that never shuts her traphole of a mouth.

To make matters worse, you put up absolutely no fight against me. It was obviously some plan you and the Twilight Snarkle set up for me. Let Celestia get kidnapped and then this smart lady will use math and logic against Nightmare Moon, right?

Well, to say the least, it almost worked.

Unfortunately for you, I was able to phase out of that horribly-decorated room before the birds got a chance to sing. I don’t know who you got to set up those decorations, but it was probably the worst Summer Sun Celebration I had ever seen.

So get this. I teleport myself to the castle to see what’s changed, and I find my throne missing. Why in the world would you take it away? After all those nights of listening to your terrific lullaby for me, I would assume all of your lamenting would at least allow my sick sister to leave something behind to remember me by.

But I bet you threw all of my things in the dump and laughed watching them burn. Just the kind of thing you would do to let everypony know that you were the superior one. Though I highly doubt you’re more superior, given you just let me blindfold and gag you up. Even if it was part of your plan, at least put up a struggle. You would look less like you’re used to it and more pleasing to me. I can only wonder what goes on behind those doors with you and Shining Armor. Why else would you send his pathetic sister out against the most powerful mare in Equestria?

So I set your throne on fire and ran out after placing a dummy plush of you in that gigantic throne.

And there’s that! How big is your ass, sister? Lay off the cake!

Well, let’s just see how Shining Armor handles watching his “Princess” burn.

So I make my way back to our old filly-fooling castle and, of course, it’s all in shambles. After finding your silly helements of armory (ha), I just sat there and waited for hours on end for your crazy mare slave to come and find me. God knows that she can’t keep her hands off of stallions, so I’ll probably be waiting here for at least another thousand years.

Whoopee.

Your arsonistic adoptive sister,
Best Princess Nightmare Moon

P.S. Fuck the Royal voice, it’s not like you listen to that either