The Road to the Lighthouse

by A Cryptic Emissary

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 3325

Luna tries out the Trials of Osiris in Destiny

Please don't take this seriously at all, I felt like writing something stupid and showing it to people.

Luna always yearned for the chance to achieve a record of 9-0 in Trials of Osiris, however she never had enough teammates to try.

After she forced Celestia and Twilight to go through the grueling, soul shattering endeavors of getting to Level 34 in Destiny, Luna decides to give the Trials a go.

This story is technically not a crossover, but it failed moderation without a crossover tag, so I had to put it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-08 01:59:44 UTC

The Tryhards of Osiris

Xx_Praise_the_Sun_xX joined your fireteam

Princess SpaceMagic joined your fireteam

Luna was delighted that she finally had teammates that she knew to go into Trials of Osiris with. Finally, the Princess of the Night didn't have to go through DestinyLFG for an exorbitant amount of time, just to find retarded teammates that say that they play better when they're high or drunk.

"Did you two buy the boons?" Luna asked.

"Nope, because I didn't want to play this horrible excuse for a game," Celestia was literally dragged to the couch to sit beside Luna.

"Sorry, I forgot," Twilight added.

"Good!" Luna boomed through her mic. "We don't need those extra wins anyway, we're not scrubs like everypony else."

The alicorn hit launch and the fireteam was sent to matchmaking. She inspected everypony in the game, even her own teammates.

"Twilight, why in the FUCK are you using an auto rifle?!" Luna's chances of going to the lighthouse dropped exponentially.

"Hey! I want to use this Hard Light from the Nightfall to see how it is."

Luna put her hoof to her forehead in frustration. "Don't you realize that all auto rifles are SHIT! SWITCH TO A HAND CANNON OR SOMETHING!"

"Okay fine, sheesh," Twilight opened her inventory and switched to her Last Word, which wasn't fully upgraded.

"SOMETHING THAT'S 365!"

The purple alicorn sighed in annoyance as she switched her primary weapon to her 365 attack Vex Mythoclast.

"That's better. Sis, why are you using Word of Crota?!"

"Because you're forcing me to do that Thorn bounty, just like you're forcing me to play this shitty game."

"This game is not shit!"

"You're right, I'm just insulting shit itself. It deserves so much better than being compared to this gambling machine simulator."

The dark blue alicorn sat silent, she didn't want to get into this argument again for the 45th time.

On the screen, the three ponies' ships descended onto the planet Mercury. The map for this week was The Burning Shrine.

"Yes, a map I like," Celestia cheered like a casual.

"Finally, a good map, none of that Thieves' Den and Black Shield shit," Luna hated the House of Wolves maps.

"Eliminate your opponents, and claim victory!"

With Lord Shaxx's opening statement, the Road to the Lighthouse begun.

"Can I get off now? I have to wake up early tomorrow to deal with political bullshit," Twilight laid back on her chair as she fought with her eyes for them to stay open. It had been two, grueling hours of Trials.

"NO!" Luna and her fireteam were now 8-0. "ONE! MORE! GAME!"

"I'm tired of facing Thorn, its too overpowered!" Twilight cried like a crybaby on the Bungie forums.

"I DON'T CARE! THOSE TEAMS WITH THORN WERE TRASH! EVERYPONY WHO USES THORN IS TRASH!" Luna ran with a 365 Lord High Fixer like a pro.

"Lets see, who are we facing?" The Princess of the Night inspected all of the ponies on the other team. "Huh, We're facing..... Holy Shit! A team without Thorn?! An actual honorable fuckin' team?! This is a free win guys!"

"This better be," Celestia would much rather be playing Dark Souls right now.

"Eliminate your opponents, and claim victory!"

"Alright, we spawned on sunside. Lets stay back, see what they do," The blue alicorn suggested like a pro.

Celestia threw a fusion grenade at a certain Titan with a pink shader. "Hey, I stuck one," Celestia said like a casual.

"Nice one sis. Two more to go."

"Guardian down!"

"Oh, guess who shoulder charges me!"

A W0nd3rb0lt [Shoulder Charge] Xx_LuNaR_EcLiPsE_xX

At that instant, Luna could hear a familiar voice cracking up through her mic, her teeth grated at the taunting laugh, she would have her revenge, she always got her revenge.

Twilight then shot the shoulder charging scrub with her Matador 64 shotgun.

"Yes, nice shit Twilight!" Luna threw her hands in the air like she didn't care.

Twilight then ran to Luna's blue orb and revived her, she ran at the middle passageway, searching for her prey. Luna leaned towards the TV, heavy in concentration, using her magic to chug her 34th can of Mountain Dew.

"You know, there's something called a trash can," Celestia looked upon the sea of cans on the floor.

"SHUT UP! I'M A PRO, YOU'RE NOT!"

"Elitist bitch," Celestia muttered under her breath.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Luna stared at her sister with the crazy eye.

"Oh look, the other team is going for a revive."

TH3 CAR3TAK3R revived A W0nd3rb0lt

"Yes, that shoulder charging noob isn't getting away from me!"

Luna threw an Axion Bolt at the two enemies, their heat seeking abilities were too much for the two Titans as their shields were gone. She turned the corner and blinked to avoid a grenade from Wonderbolt, the Voidwalker then killed the Titan with her Trials of Osiris shotgun, Astral Horizon.

"YOU EFFIN' SCRUB!" The Titan yelled in game chat.

"I thought ponies who do blink-shotgun are trash," Celestia snickered.

"Shut up! I'm the pro here and I use tactics necessary for victory," Luna responded like a boss.

"Riiiiiiight, *cough* scrub."

"I'm gonna go on your account and delete all your characters," The blue alicorn threatened as she heard that little comment.

"Good, I don't like this pyramid scheme for a game anyway."

"I'm gonna do it!"

"Fine, go ahead! Oh, you might want to watch your screen."

"Guardian down!"

A W0nd3rb0lt [Shoulder Charge] Xx_LuNaR_EcLiPsE_xX

Luna's face tightened, her panting could be heard by everypony in game chat.

"HOW?! YOU WERE ALREADY DEAD!" This moment of rage only made Wonderbolt laugh even harder.

"The pink one revived her while you were arguing with me ," Celestia pointed out like a casual.

"Look Wonderbolt, mark my words, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna kill you," Luna assured with a low, badass voice.

"Suuuuuure you are, you blink-shotgun scrub!"

"You're the scrub, not me," Luna stomped her hoof on the couch she sat on, littered with Mountain Dew. A few cans dropped to the floor from the impact. "I'm a former pro fighting game player!" The blue alicorn nearly sounded like a fat, lazy, disgraceful figure of gaming.

More laughter came from Luna's mic. "Hahahahahahahaha, oh wait you serious, let me laugh even harder. HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Xx_Praise_the_Sun_xX [Fusion Grenade] A W0nd3rb0lt

"WHAT?!" Wonderbolt yelled through her mic. "You can't just run around sticking people, this isn't Halo!"

Celestia didn't care because she was a casual, a badass casual who beat Dark Souls like a badass. "Yeah, but this game was made by the creators of Halo, soooooooo fuck you!"

A pair of pixelated sunglasses spawned above Celestia's head, wandered down and settled in between her eyes.

TH3 CAR3TAK3R walked inside a killzone and died, she wasn't pro enough to handle the pure badassery.

Now, there was the matter of a certain pink Titan to deal with.

"SURPRISE!" Was all that was heard in game chat.

-1 PARTY CRASHER [Lag] Princess SpaceMagic

"You.......you can't be serious. I shot you 45 times, all of them hit markers, then you just literally teleported across the map and killed me with confetti," Twilight had a very low tolerance for lag switchers and cheaters.

-1 PARTY CRASHER [Party Crasher +1] Xx_Praise_the_Sun_xX

"Ah, c'mon, another lag switcher?" Celestia said nonchalantly. This was about the 24th lag switcher she's faced today.

"Pfft, yeah, blame it on the lag, you're all just a bunch of noobs. Git gud, scrubs,"  -1 PARTY CRASHER said.

"Get good?" Twilight asked incredulously, "B-b-b...but you're a hacker."

"Nooooooooo, I'm not. You just suck!"

"THE KILL FEED LITERALLY SAID YOU KILLED ME WITH LAG!" Twilight exclaimed.

-1 PARTY CRASHER ignored Twilight's comment, her pink Striker Titan pointed towards Luna's.

"So its just you and me," Luna said in her badass voice.

"It seems so," -1 PARTY CRASHER played along. "Just to make this personal, I'm gonna tweak the scoreboard a bit."

A 0-0 game turned into a dire, tense, all or nothing 4-4 tie.

"You're so getting banned," Twilight opened the menu, clicked on -1 PARTY CRASHER and reported her, then went on to the Bungie forums to complain of lag switching.

Luna and the pink Titan stood before each other, acting like two cowboys in a standoff. Luna could've sworn tumbleweed flew across her screen.

Luna felt a sense of bravado. "Sis, give me the Mountain Dew!" Luna played the song Sandstorm by Darude while chugging yet another Mountain Dew, to her sister's dismay. "Oh, yeah that's my jam." The blue alicorn bobbed her head up and down to the rhythm and threw the empty can in her sister's face.

Luna aimed down the sights of her Lord High Fixer and began firing. Unlike, Twilight and Celestia's previous attempts, Luna dealt damage, like a pro. Only two shots and Party Crasher's shield was down. Luna was so close. The Princess of the Night needed only one more headshot for the kill, one more headshot to 9-0, to go the lighthouse for the first time!

ERROR

Your connection to Destiny servers has been lost. Please check your network configuration and try again. For information on resolving this issue, visit help.bungie.net and search for error code: olive

"What?!" Luna clutched her controller tightly, nearly breaking the buttons themselves. "NO! I WAS SO CLOSE! THIS CLOSE TO THE LIGHTHOUSE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"I could tell you how that this game is terrible," Celestia mocked. "I could tell you that you could've gotten a better game without having to spend 400 dollars, I could tell you how your dumbass bought the season pass."

Bonus: Heavy Ammo Round and Alternate Ending

"Heavy ammo, inbound," Lord Shaxx said in his usual banal voice. Luna's team was behind 3-2.

"We better win this round," Luna exclaimed.

"Alright guys, I have my super, should we rush them?" a dragon-like voice asked.

"Who the fuck are you?!" Luna asked like a pro.

"Oh, Twilight said she was tired, so I'm playing for her. I'm Spike by the way and I know what I'm doing, I've gone 9-0 before."

"Good, you're not some DestinyLFG scrub," Luna's face lit up.

"Thanks," Spike is looking at looking at Twilight's character.

"Ew Twilight, your warlock looks just like a faggot."

"Well, I did try to make him look like you!" The purple alicorn heard that comment.

Silence ensues.

"You need an ice pack Spike?" Wonderbolt asked.

"It does look like you though!" Party Crasher inspected the warlock.

"Heavy ammo available!"

The three guardians went to the heavy ammo box on the sunlit part of the map, luckily, the enemy team was hesitant and didn't rush with their supers.

"So, is it true you're Princess Luna?" Wonderbolt asked. "Cuz you sound just like her."

"You wanna know the truth?" Luna had her guardian walk the left hallway leading to the back room.

"Yeah," Wonderbolt said, just waiting to impale her enemy in rockets.

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

Xx_LuNaR_EcLiPsE_xX [Truth] A W0nd3rb0lt

"Ah, c'mon, I was literally behind a wall! See, I told you we should've charged, I had my super!" Wonderbolt was furious at that wasted opportunity.

"I-I'm sorry, I thought that...the other team would r-rush," Caretaker muttered in a low voice.

"Guardian Down!"

TH3 CAR3TAK3R [Felwinter's Lie] Xx_LuNaR_EcLiPsE_xX

"But, at least...I got your kill b-WHAT THE FUCK, YOU WOULD STICK ME! THIS BITCH THINKS THAT THIS IS FUCKING HALO!"

Xx_Praise_the_Sun_xX [Fusion Grenade] TH3 CAR3TAK3R

"That's what you get for one, being a blink-shotgun fag with Felwinters, and second for NOT PRAISING THE SUN!" Celestia was having fun now.

"Guardian Down!"

-1 PARTY CRASHER [The Party Cannon] Xx_Praise_the_Sun_xX

"Wait, that weapon isn't even in the game," Celestia was dumbfounded.

"It is now," Party Crasher exclaimed, now having her Titan...going bladedancer?

"Damn, Twilight was right she is a hacker," Spike fired his rocket launcher at Party Crasher, she was unaffected.

"Woah, woah, how didn't you die?!"

-1 PARTY CRASHER [Hacks] Princess Spacemagic

"I can't play five minutes of Trials without this happening," Spike covered his face with his hands.

"Don't worry, every team we've faced did the same thing," Celestia said, trying to be sympathetic.

"Yeah, and they all were scrubs," Luna took pride in wrecking those eight teams of twenty-four no lives.

"So its just you and me," Luna said in her badass voice.

"It seems so," Party Crasher played along. "Just to make this personal, I'm gonna tweak the scoreboard a bit."

A 3-2 game turned into a dire, tense, all or nothing 4-4 tie.

Luna and the pink Titan stood before each other, acting like two cowboys in a standoff. Luna could've sworn tumbleweed flew across her screen.

Luna felt a sense of bravado. "Sis, give me the Mountain Dew!" Luna played the song Sandstorm by Darude while chugging yet another Mountain Dew, to her sister's dismay. "Oh, yeah that's my jam." The blue alicorn bobbed her head up and down to the rhythm and threw the empty can in her sister's face.

Luna aimed down the sights of her Lord High Fixer and began firing. Unlike, Twilight and Celestia's previous attempts, Luna dealt damage, like a pro. Only two shots and Party Crasher's shield was down. Luna was so close. The Princess of the Night needed only one more headshot for the kill, one more headshot to 9-0, to go the lighthouse for the first time! Luna laid that final shot, except Party Crasher took no damage.

"What?! How aren't you taking damage?"

"Cuz I'm that good." Party Crasher teleported across the room in a zigzag motion. As she lagged and frustrated everypony in the game, the pink Titan could feel that somepony was behind her. Knowing that she couldn't take damage, she turned around to taunt the poor bastard.

"HEY!" The voice behind her said.

Party Crasher jumped from her chair at the yell.

The guardian behind her wore blue and white armor, and wielded some kind of hammer.

"Who are you?" Luna didn't remember anypony else joining the game.

"I'm that one good developer at Bungie who decided to get up his fatass to monitor this mosh pit," said the cryptic Titan. "As soon as I detected this dickhead lagging all over the place, she lit up like a fucking Christmas tree."

The guardian vigilante turned towards Party Crasher. "So, what do you have to say to yourself, huh? HUH?" For some reason, Luna's stereo switched from Darude Sandstorm to extremely dramatic music. "HOW LONG'D YOU THINK YOUR LITTLE CHEATING SPREE WAS GONNA LAST YOU LITTLE BITCH?!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, plz don't ban meh, plzzzzzz!" Party Crasher pleaded like a little bitch.

"Wait, weren't banhammers in Halo 3?" Spike asked.

"I'm bringin' it back," the Titan turned towards Party Crasher again. "I'm gonna have a field day bannin' the millions of douche bags like you! Just like the good ol' days."

The rustling noise of a mic being taken away could be heard through game chat.

"Wait," said a much flatter and dry voice. An icon on the bottom right said that Party Crasher was still talking. "Me and my sister share the same account, if you banned her, you'd ban me too. I didn't know that my sister cheated, today was the first day she did this. Is there anyway you could ban only her and I'll make sure she never does this again?"

The dramatic music playing from Luna's stereo picked up in volume and could be heard in game chat. The banhammer Titan turned looked at Party Crasher, thinking whether he should swing. Sure, justice would be done from killing the Titan, however he'd be banning an innocent pony. He then remembered all of the posts on the Bungie forums of ponies crying because they spent 1000 hours playing and not receiving their favorite weapon.

The Titan made his decision.

Pinkie Pie's head sank, she stared at her pet alligator Gummy, trying to comprehend what just happened.

"I.....I can't believe Bungie took my Gjallarhorn."

She and her sister Maud Pie sat by each other on the couch, Maud read a book, mostly to ignore the pink pony's complaining.

"I hate Bungie," Pinkie Pie slammed her hoof on the couch in spite.

"You're lucky you didn't get the both of us banned you fucking idiot," Maud responded, still immersed in her book. "You deserved it."

Silence ensues.

"Gummy, now I don't have Gjallarhorn and I still suck ass at Destiny," The usually upbeat pony stared at her beloved pet with sorrowful eyes.

"Let that be a lesson to you," Maud said.

Pinkie still sat quietly until an idea popped inside of her head. "There's only one thing to do," Pinkie Pie took a really deep breath, as if preparing to sing.

Maud knew what she was about to do. "No Pinkie, please don't, don't do it. NO!"

To the poor pony's dismay, Pinkie Pie sung the smile song.

"And because you were fireteam members with the accused cheater, this match will be forfeit and victory will go to the opposing team," The Titan vigilante addressed Wonderbolt and Caretaker.

"What?!" Wonderbolt objected. "But we weren't cheating!"

"But you took advantage, and that's just as bad as cheating."

A W0nd3rb0lt left the game

TH3 CAR3TAK3R left the game

Xx_Praise_the_Sun_xX completed Trials Passage

Xx_LuNaR_EcLiPsE_xX completed Trials Passage

Princess SpaceMagic completed Trials Passage

"Oh, congratulations, it seems like you've all made it to the Lighthouse," The Titan said.

"Yes! We did it! We fucking did it! I've couldn't have done it without you guys!" Luna yelled in pure euphoria as she shook her sister's body.

The Titan chuckled at the response. "It's nice to see a team that uses legitimate methods for once. I'm sorry you've all had to go through the cheaters, not just these assholes."

"Oh no, it's fine," Celestia was relieved to get this over with. "I'm just glad that we're finally done here."

"Now follow me," The Titan led the three guardians to the tower only reserved for champions of the crucible.

The Lighthouse had the same vex like architecture as any spire Mercury, except that it has been ornamented with objects, whose provenance is only known to the previous inhabitants. Luna found a grounded ship, who's design is as the ships that flew behind the spawning guardians of the Tower. Celestia took some time to stare and admire the solar flare before her. The white coated alicorn spent more time looking at the view than playing the actual game. Moments like these reminded her of the beautiful concept art of the potential world of Destiny. Every time she thought of that, she lamented the passion and creativity that died at the greedy hands of Activision.

"Wow," Celestia remarked. "More evidence of the scenery being better than the actual game."

"Can you not insult the game every five seconds?" Luna asked rationally for once.

"I can't help it, not when I played games like Dark Souls and Skyrim," Celestia still stared blankly at the giant pixelated sun.

"Time to get my loot," Luna was done with exploring, she wanted her rewards for hours of hard work and raging.

"Oh sweet, I got Twilight The Messenger," Spike went to the menu to see what element it was. "And it does Arc damage, the nightfall this week is Arc Burn. What'd you get Princess?"

"I got etheric light, motes of light, a shitty auto rifle, and passage coins," Luna was disappointed in her lackluster rewards.

"You didn't get the emblem?" said the purple dragon.

"What emblem?"

"The exotic emblem," Spike realized Luna's problem. "Oh, wait, is your emblem inventory full?"

"Doesn't it go to the post master?" Her emblem inventory was full.

"Nope."

Now Luna had no evidence that she went 9-0, and all she got was The Shitter, the appropriate name for The Summoner, and more stuff she doesn't need. "FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKK!"

"I'm not doing this ever again," Celestia put the final nail in the coffin.

And Luna lived miserably ever after. THE END!