Gundam Twilight: Parody 00TS
Twilight was curled up in a nest of fluffy blankets in front of the fireplace. It was mid-winter, and things had certainly been quiet around there lately. Applejack had gone to the winter rodeo with Applebloom. Rarity had gone to Canterlot with a new line of winter wear. Fluttershy was who-knew-where in the Everfree Forest, making sure all the little critters had found homes to hibernate. Pinkie Pie was hosting an annual bake sale and was quite busy. Rainbow Dash was busily working with the weather team to conjure up the second snow of the season. Needless to say, Twilight Sparkle was enjoying some very well-earned me-time.
Contentedly smiling, she glanced out the window. The falling snow was so peaceful, so soothing. Looking back down at her anime book, called a “manga”, she turned the page. It was like a comic book, but it came from Japan and it was as thick as a novel, with regular book bindings. The charged tales of the intelligent librarian and her country-bumpkin coltfriend were just riveting. Not that she was placing herself and Big Macintosh in the place of the characters. No sir. “Oh-hoh, mister stallion…” she chuckled with slowly rosing cheeks. “You scoundrel. That book is gonna be soooo late…” she lifted a hoof to her mouth so she could laugh scandalously behind it. The fire crackled and popped while her eyes raced back and forth across the page. She made it to an action scene, complete with giant robot and massive alien menace. She grinned, giggling over it like a filly.
Spike suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs, holding a stack of books in front of himself. “Hey Twilight? Where do I set all these cartoon books, huh?” Twilight jumped, hiding her manga under the nest of covers and whipping out an astrophysics book. When Spike turned so he could look down into the great room, the purple mare appeared to be deep in study. “Twilight! Equestria to Twilight!” he said louder. “Hey!” Twilight gave an exaggerated jump, then looked over and cocked her head at him.
“Oh, hey Spike. What’d you say, sorry?” she said.
“Where do you want these cartoon books?” he asked, gesturing to the stack of ten or twelve in his hands. Twilight Sparkle gave him a hard look and he sighed. “Fine fine… where do you want these anime books?”
“Manga, Spike. Between the art and hobby sections.” Twilight said at last. “Just remember to put them in the right order, the numbers are on the sides.”
“The binding is backward.” Spike complained, going to the proper shelf and mounting the ladder. “Weirdo Japanese ponies, readin’ right to left…”
“Now Spike!” Twilight scolded. “They have a deep and interesting culture! Equestria could learn a lot from them!” she looked up at the ceiling and a thought bubble appeared above her head. Samurai ponies appeared there, and started dueling fiercely. Meanwhile in the background a very Twilight-looking mare stood there, wind blowing her mane dramatically while the stallions dueled for her hoof. Spike leaned, peering into her thought bubble and rolling his eyes. Using one claw he popped it. “Hey!”
“Back to reality.” He snorted, smiling at her and jabbing a claw at her physics book. Twilight sighed and shook her head, returning to her astrophysics while he placed the manga books in a long row on the shelf. Fiddling with them until they were in the proper order, he straightened them until they looked good and dismounted the ladder. “I think that’s the last of my stuff for the night. I’mma grab some water and head to bed.”
“I’m gonna finish this chapter, and then work in the lab for a bit. Night Spike!” Twilight said, waving a hoof at him. When the little dragon had gone to bed and shut the door, Twilight whipped out her romance manga again. Chuckling, she licked her lips and read on. Mangas, truth be told, don’t take much more than an hour or so to read, so she was soon finished. Placing it in its proper place on the shelf, she folded the blankets she’d been laying on and doused the fire. Cocking her head to make sure Spike was sleeping, she listened. Nothing. Turning, she went to the basement door. Going down precisely eight of the thirteen stairs that headed towards her lab, she stopped. Hopping, she stomped one two three times. A hidden panel popped open, revealing shiny metal and wiring beneath. Leaning, she pressed her face to it. A optical laser scanned her eyeball, and a hidden door slid open. Checking again that Spike was down for the evening, she went inside and shut the door behind her. A silvery passage awaited beyond, and the clip-clop of her hooves was metallic as she went down the hallway.
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Suddenly, for no adequately explained reason an Ursa appeared at the edge of town! It roared and then smashed a building into rubble to prove how pissed off it was! Hope there were no ponies in there… Fluttershy darted out of the forest, panting feverishly. “Please, missus ursa! I can explain! I was just making sure everyone was cozy in their little hibernation homes! Please don’t take it out on Ponyville!” she said, tears welling up in her eyes. The ursa turned, body sparkling with the stars and inner workings of its body, and it roarrrred in her face. Fluttershy squeaked, seizing up like a fainting goat and tumping over. Turning back to the town, the bear-like beast began its rampage, crushing another house and rearing up to roar again. Lights started coming on all over Ponyville, and the citizens started sticking their heads out of doors and windows. Then, the screaming started.
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Twilight Sparkle was leaned over a circuit board, goggles on her face while she fiddled with a soldering iron. It hissed and crackled with a light you weren’t supposed to look directly into with the naked eye. The stench of burnt metal and plastic was pressed hard into the purple mare’s muzzle while she worked. Cocking her head and stopping a moment, she blew on her work to make it cool faster. Lowering the heating implement again, she kept going for a bit. She looked over at a manga, left open to a specific page so she could copy what she saw and then some. Sure, it was mirrored so that ponies that spoke English could read it left to right, but she got the gist of it all.
Suddenly an alarm went off, startling her back so she didn’t damage her work. She looked over at a control panel, lifting her goggles. A little screen turned on, where a convieniantly placed camera was recording an ursa smashing homes in Ponyville. Gasping, Twilight Sparkle threw her goggles aside and slammed the panel she’d been working on closed. “What the hay…” she said, leaning and watching the rampage. “Where did THAT come from? She squinted, reaching and turning a dial. She saw a little yellow speck running around the ursa’s feet. “Fluttershy?” she said, zooming all the way in to see the butter-colored Pegasus. Twilight sighed, face-hoofing. “She’s gonna get smooshed at that rate. I wonder if…” she turned around, looking up at the massive structure she’d been working on. She looked between it and the computer screen. “I don’t think my magic can handle an ursa major all by itself. And with the others out of town…” she bounced on her hooves like a little I’ve-gotta-pee dance, looking fretfully back and forth. “I… I guess there’s no better time to test it.”
The purple mare raised a panel of glass and bashed the big red button underneath it. BZZZT! BZZZT! BZZZT! The entire lab began to shake and flash with red lights. Twilight turned, teleporting to the top of the massive structure.
Outside, Pinkie Pie was running back and forth, screaming her head off. Every which way she turned the ursa major seemed to be smashing buildings. Ponies were running for their lives, screaming and milling about like confused ants. Suddenly, the local library turned on its side, dislodging every single book in the place and then some. A missile silo began to slowly rattle open, massive twin doors making way for a rising platform. A long metallic chute stuck out. “Catapault, ready.” A feminine robotic voice said. “Launch sequence, initiated.” Little blue lights lit up along the edges of the shoot.
The ursa turned at the voice, just in time to see a huge, flower-like structure launch skyward. It watched, cocking its head and bearing its fangs as whatever it was eclipsed the moon. What was that? Pinkie Pie jolted to a stop in her wild screaming, looking skyward when she heard hooves on the roof of Sugar Cube Corner (she’d been running in circles, so she hadn’t gone far). Was that… Twilight Sparkle? “Now rise, Gunda-aaaam!” Twilight threw out her chest to belt it out to the night. Who was she shouting at? The rocketing thing in the sky suddenly exploded into shards, surrounding Ponyville with falling debris and creating an arena of twisted metal. Not even the ursa could escape such jagged edges. Concentrating, Twilight teleported with a crack of parted air. Way up in the sky, she reappeared inside a dark, metallic structure. It landed hard, a four-legged thing.
“What is that?!” Mr. Cake said, pointing.
“It’s huge!” Mrs. Cake fainted into her husband.
“It’s a giant metal pony!” said somepony else.
“It’s Twilight!” Pinkie Pie gasped, pointing.
A giant robotic purple unicorn was standing in the middle of the town, towering over the buildings. Its glassy eyes flicked on, a bright purple, horn igniting into a powerful glow. Deep within its metallic belly, Twilight herself was the pilot. A spinning disk of liquid latex descended over her body and she quickly stuck her head through the hole in the middle. Grunting, straining against the tightness she let out a cry off effort as the machine pressed a skin-tight black outfit over her, her cutie mark emblazoned on her chest. She pulled at it, feeling the tightness push in at her until she had the strength to rip herself from the outfit’s creation module. Rearing up with a cry, she detached at last. Panting, she let the computer scan her over. “Mobile trace system checking brainwaves, blood-pressure, pulse, respiration, temperature, metabolism. All green.” The pleasant female computer said.
“Good.” Twilight coiled herself up, lowering her horn while hundreds of sensors in her outfit followed her. Outside, the giant robot Twilight did exactly as she did and lowered its horn. The ursa roared, over its anime-transformation-so-the-bad-guy-can’t-attack phase of being paralyzed at last. Who knew how that worked. “Let me introduce you to my latest science project! The Generation Unsubdued Nuclear Drive Assault Module. Gundam for short!”
“Oooh, it’s shiny!” Pinkie Pie had suddenly appeared on the muzzle of the giant robot, peering intently into its eyes. “Twilight how did you build this thing?!”
“That’s not important Pinkie! I’ve gotta stop that ursa from destroying Ponyville!” Twilight said.
“But how could you possibly afford something this huuuuge?” Pinkie pressed her face against the glassy eyes of the giant robot trying to see inside. Was Twilight in the head? Maybe in the chest? Hmm!
“Pinkie this isn’t about money, leave it alone!” Twilight shouted. How dare the pink party pony challenge the obscure laws of anime?!
“Seriously! This is a big expensive piece of military technology and you were just hiding it under the Ponyville library! Isn’t that a little reckless?” Pinkie said, just in time to get swatted aside like a fly. Twilight grumped at her wordlessly, eager to get on with her real-life giant robot battle. “Isn’t the author gonna explain anything about any of how this happened?!” Pinkie poked her head out of a chimney. No Pinkie, no I’m not. “Why not?!” she demanded. Because it’s a parody series to make fun of anime and I said so. “I said so isn’t an excuse!” Pinkie howled, clambering out of the chimney and shaking the soot off of herself. Is too. “Is not!” Is too. “Is not!” Is too, times like a million. She cocked her head. “Is too!” Is not! “Is too, a million plus one!” Is not! There’s no excuse for not explaining how stuff happens in a story! It’s just bad writing! “Well if you insist.” Pinkie folded her arms, turning her head to one side. Wh… wait… Guh! Shut up Pinkie Pie! Giant robot battles to be had!
The ursa suddenly charged wildly at the waiting unicorn gundam. Compressors hissed loudly as Twilight’s giant robot bore the weight of the assault. Deep in the cockpit Twilight tossed her head, and the robot sent the ursa tumbling backward. Rushing forward with a shout of battle, Twilight jabbed the beast with her horn. It roared as a spray of sparks erupted from its chest and it staggered back. Rolling over the Quills and Sofa’s store with a smash, it got up and clawed wildly at the gundam Twilight. Sppsssh! Crash! Sparks went back and forth. Twilight cried out in the cockpit, sections of her skintight outfit flashing red where the robot had taken damage.
“That doesn’t make any sense!” Pinkie Pie shouted from the ground when Twilight jabbed the beast again. “Why isn’t the monster bleeding!? Where are the sparks coming frommmm!?” she cupped her hooves over her mouth. “Why isn’t the robot losing parts when it gets hit!?” Shut UP, Pinkie Pie! Giant anime robot battle!
Crashing into each other over and over, the ursa major and the Twilight Sparkle gundam ruined building after building in their bout. Neither could seem to overpower the other until suddenly the ursa rammed its face so hard into the robot’s that the recoil drove her back. Twilight screamed in the cockpit, her face dashed with flickering red lights. “Damage extensive in forward cortex panels.” Said the computer pleasantly.
“Deploy two-hundred millimeter shock cannons!” Twilight roared, standing slowly. The cockpit was designed to give her pain wherever the robot was damaged, and she was definitely feeling it. Panting and sweating, her mane in a mess of wild tangles, she adjusted her stance and lowered her center of gravity. The gundam copied her stance, and suddenly a wild set of guns popped out of hidden panels all over the robots body. Given the size and structure of the robot there wasn’t enough room inside it to house all of those weapons, but… shut up. Long tapes of massive bullet shells unrolled, nearly touching the ground. “Fiy-yarrr!” Twilight thrust out a hoof and all of them BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM- BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM- BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM- BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM- BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM’D like the world was ending!
“Make it stop! MAKE! IT ! STO-OOOOP!” Pinkie Pie screamed helplessly, hooves over her poor ears. The sound was more than deafening, it was rocking Ponyville on its foundations. Sorry Pinkie, giant guns are wicked-cool and you need plenty of them to make your giant robot battle cool. “Equestria doesn’t HAVE guns!” the pink mare shouted. Well, it does now Pinkie. “You’re a big mean jerk-face!” Am not.
The ursa was buried in the oncoming fire, roaring in pain as dust and massive clouds of debris were cast all over Ponyville. The fallout was devastating as rocks and earth rained from the sky, overwhelming the monster in a tidal wave of wood and metal and bullets. The casings to the giant shells fell like rain, making massive piles of super-heated metal in the middle of the street. When at last every cartridge was spent, Twilight stood there panting, sweating like a beast. The guns sticking out all over the robot’s body were smoking. They folded into each other, closing the panels while she waited for the smoke to clear.
The ursa roared, parting the smoke. “Impossible!” Twilight recoiled as the beast rushed over the street and tackled her giant robot to the ground. They skidded, her metallic shell screaming sparks as they went, and monster began swiping back and forth at the exposed underbelly. Crash! Spssh! Crash! Sparks were going back and forth, crackles of electricity filling the cockpit. The purple mare screamed out, pinned on her back with the titanic force pressed down on her. Igniting her horn, she blasted magic wildly! The cockpit made the robot obey, and the robots horn ignited into a bright purple. The ursa looked up just in time to get an eyeful of pulsar blasted magick! It roared in pain, falling backward and clutching its face. “I guess I’ll have to use my ultimate technique! There’s no beating you otherwise!”
“Why didn’t you use it at the beginning?!” Pinkie Pie shouted from somewhere on the sidewalk, dodging falling debris back and forth. “The fight would’a been so much shorter!” Twilight spent a very real couple of seconds contemplating the thought of squishing Pinkie Pie with a giant robot hoof. Nopony else was around to see… nopony else would need to know… she shook her head quickly. Focus, Twilight Sparkle.
The ursa rose on shaky paws, shaking its head back and forth and lifting its jowls. With such massive fangs it could easily cleave a pony or six in twine! Twilight would have to defeat it once and for all. “This is it for you!” Twilight’s outside speakers crackled while the robot began diverting power into its hooves. She lifted her front-right hoof, the skin-tight outfit glowing bright purple over it. Hidden machinations began to whirr, compressors and hydraulics groaning while power generators jumped to life. The robot’s front-right hoof and metallic fetlocks began to glow a ghostly white, super-heating and vibrating on the ethereal plane of magic. “Take this!” Twilight coiled all her legs and leapt high into the air! The robot shot into the sky as the ursa reared up to snatch her from the air. The high, leaping arc brought the massive purple robot down on the monster. “My love! My friendship! And ALL OF MY MAGIC!”
“What is she screaming abo-ouuuut?!” Pinkie Pie shouted over all the noise.
“SHINING!” she brought her hoof up just as she crashed into the ursa major. “FET-LO-OOOOOCKS!” The beast roared as it was literally face-planted into the ground by the glowing hoof, making a massive crater in the middle of Ponyville square! Buildings bent backward. Glass imploded inward. Ponies were tossed wildly into the air, all of them screaming for their lives. The beast roared, then burst into an explosion of stars and sparkles, rushing skyward to take their place in the sky once more. Miles and miles away, Luna flinched. There was a new constellation in the sky? Since when?
The Twilight Gundam rose and thrust out its chest, cooling mechanisms hissing over its no-longer glowing horn and hoof. So much energy had been spent, it needed to be cooled so it didn’t fall apart. Deep in the cockpit, Twilight was resting on her belly, panting and wiping the sweat from her brow. She looked wild and untamed, shaking from all the effort. “Wow, this was a lot harder than my manga made it look!” she said, flopping onto her side after the guidance system had shut down.
“What the hay are you wearing?!” Pinkie Pie had appeared in the cockpit, pawing at the tight latex outfit.
“Wha-HAH?!” Twilight bowled over. “Pinkie how did you get in here?!” she skittered back to her hooves. “This is very sensitive equipment!” The computer, however, was already scanning Pinkie Pie. The pink mare looked around with wonder. After seeing the giant robot battle, she’d finally come to the anime side and wanted to see more. The cockpit was super-cool, just look at all those glowing lights and buttons!
“New pilot… accepted.” said the computer pleasantly.
“What?!” Twilight shouted, looking around fearfully. “No! Abort! Cancel command!” But it was too late, Pinkie Pie was being fitted by the spinning latex outfit machine, giggling all the while and dancing on her hooves. “No! Don’t let Pinkie Pie in control of the Gundam!” She roared at the computer. “You’ll doom us all! No! Noooooooo!”
THE END
