Clothes Make the Man, Though Perhaps a Bit Too Literally
CLANG!
...
CLANG!
...
CLANG!
"...Well, not going to lie, this is..."
CLANG!
"...Kind of disappointing."
CLANG!
Princess Twilight Sparkle ruffled her wings in slight irritation as she saw the sledgehammer rise up into the air again before arching back down onto the rail spike with a veritable—
CLANG!
—yes ...that.
Bringing up a hoof to her mouth, Twilight Sparkle released a polite cough into her hoof in a wayward attempt to catch the attention of the tireless worker before her.
"Um, excuse me, Mr...?"
"Joseph," she was supplied in a polite, if distracted, manner, "John Joseph."
CLANG!
"Right, yes. Mr. Joseph, if it's not too much trouble, may I ask what it is you're doing?"
CLUNK!
The sledgehammer that had been previously banging away against metal spikes now lay rested on top of the metal rail that had these spikes hammered into it; its iron head face down against the rail, and its long, wooden handle in the air where a pair of furless arms rested in a crisscross pattern against its tip. These furless arms belonged to the male human who, for the past couple of hours that he'd been here, had been studiously using the sledgehammer to great effect, as the newly-made railway under him can attest.
"Why, I'm here to build this railway for some local miners," replied the human in a reasonable tone as he gestured toward the railway between him and the small pony.
Said small pony briefly glanced at the railway, her attention lingering on it as she examined its expert craftsmanship, before returning her gaze to the human before her with a confused expression on her face, "Yeah, I got that," she replied warily, "but... why?"
"Is it not obvious?" asked Joseph as he promptly placed a single foot on the rail and dramatically gestured to his jean-covered leg.
Confusion evident on Twilight's face, her eyes kept switching their attention between the promptly displayed leg and the human's expectant face, before finally resting on the latter and slowly shaking her head in the negative.
Joseph groaned in disappointment at Twilight's non-understanding, "The jeans!" he shouted in answer as he slapped a hand on the blue fabric covering his leg, "Have you not seen such thick and durable fabric? Blue jeans are some of the most durable pants-wear that a common person can afford to wear. It was clearly meant to be worn for rigorous work, and what work is more rigorous than the construction of a railway for a local mine?"
For a long moment, Twilight just gave the man a long, contemptuous look before finally replying in an unbelieving tone, "And that's why you're building a railway? Because you're wearing... pants?"
"But of course," Joseph replied in a sickeningly oblivious smile, "and why shouldn't I? After all, you'd be surprised at how many great things a man can accomplish when he's wearing pants."
Twilight stayed silent as she gave the man an enduring stare, instead letting the subtle, withering sounds of the boorish wind blowing past them do all the talking for her.
'You bucking idiot!' they seemed to say.
"...Right," replied Twilight as she rubbed her hoof against the bridge of her snout, "so, after you finish the railway, what then? What do you plan on doing next?"
"I'm going to grab a skateboard and do some gnarly grinding on these rails, dude."
"W-What!?" stuttered out Twilight, completely taken off-guard by his answer, "Why!?"
Joseph pointed a finger down at his footwear, "Because of these skate shoes," he informed her as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "they were specifically designed to go through the continual abrasiveness of a skateboard's grip tape on a regular basis, what with their super suede, the plastic underlying the toes, and the action leather that they're made up of. Heck, I'm practically obligated to grind these rails with shoes like these on my feet."
"So you're building a railway, and then you're going to ride a skateboard on it. All because you're wearing the appropriate clothing?"
"Yup," nodded Joseph, a cheerful grin still on his face, "ain't I an interesting character?"
Twilight couldn't help but release a humorous snort, "Not really," she answered without regret, "in fact, it seems to me that your personality is entirely clothes deep." Twilight then focused her attention on Joseph's chest, "So what about your shirt?"
Raising a curious eyebrow, Joseph looked down and pulled at his white, cotton shirt, "My white t-shirt?" he asked in pursuit for clarification.
"Yeah," answered Twilight with a nod of her head, her tone stained with deadpan contemptuousness as she continued to gaze upon the weird human, "I'm curious, what other activity do you have planned that you think will properly utilize that particular article of clothing in its most effective manner?"
Quiet for a few contemplating moments as he stared down at the shirt he wore, Joseph then looked back at Twilight, crossed his arms, and with absolute clarity and seriousness, he replied, "...I'm going to invade Cuba."
A gust of wind blew past the two, the vulgar language of its howling presence remaining unheard as it passed them by.
Slowly, Joseph raised a hand to his face and scratched his lightly-trimmed beard in silent thought, "Of course, now that I think back on the time when t-shirts were first issued, I suppose any Spanish-held colony will do."
Another gust of wind passed them by on its way to the swear jar.
"...Okay, you know what? I'm just going to suppress this entire conversation we just had for the sake of my sanity and I'm going to level with you," began Twilight as she gave Joseph a serious stare, "I've been tasked by the highest authority of my government to figure out the best way to pacify all of the displaced humans in Equestria and to be able to do that, I need information. I need to know where they came from, why they're here, how they got here, and how they got all these strange powers. And I have determined that you, Joseph, are the most viable source for answers."
Joseph raised a curious eyebrow at Twilight's words, "Why?" he asked, before clarifying, "I mean, why me specifically? Why not ask all those crazy cosplayer in ridiculous costumes who keep getting in trouble with the local authorities?"
The Princess of Friendship gave him a neutral stare, "Because they're all insane, dangerous lunatics," she answered matter-of-factly.
Suddenly, off in the direction of the far distant Ponyville, a horrendous explosion was heard, accompanied by the blaring noises of discharged lasers, the crumbling of collapsing buildings, and the bawling screams of innocent civilians. Overhead, a mechanized humanoid soared through the sky like a speedy missile that left a trail of cloudy exhaust fumes behind it.
"YEAH!! CAUSING WANTON DESTRUCTION AND DOING EVIL THINGS FOR NO ADEQUATELY JUSTIFIED REASON!!" it celebrated loudly as it soared off into the distance, "WOOOHOOO!!"
The joint of his pointer finger on his lips, Joseph stood in quiet concentration as he let the distant screams of the dying and wounded wash over him while Princess Twilight continued to gaze at him with that serious, urging look etched on her face.
"Hmm, I see your point," he finally replied in a casual tone, before shrugging his shoulder nonchalantly, "alright, ask away."
"So, let me get this straight," began Twilight, her tone burdened with skepticism, "you were attending this thing called Comic-Con, which is apparently a popular convention where nerds and geeks gush over about comic books and movies—"
"Okay, first off, from what I know of your show, you of all characters has the least amount of right to judge us lowly nerds, and second off, being a nerd or a geek is totally a cool thing these days."
"I wasn't judging," spoke up Twilight in an impatient manner, before taking a deep breath to calm herself as she continued, "anyways, you were at Comic-Con, standing in line for an H Hall—"
"Well, more like camping really, and it's Hall H."
"—despite the fact that you really shouldn't have gone to the convention because there have been all these reported disappearances surrounding conventions everywhere in your world—"
"I heard there was a Star Wars teaser, it would have been a greater risk not to go."
"—which is due to a man calling himself the Merchant, who approached you and offered you a deal to own a toy if you went to Equestria—"
"Warhammer 40k miniatures are not toys! They're models! And totally worth it by the way! That techpriest is gonna look sweet on my office desk!"
"—and according to you, all of the evil overlords, massive knights, dark sorcerers, weird monsters, crazy robots, and all the other eccentric humans who have recently appeared in Equestria are the same people who have disappeared from these conventions due to this Merchant, who gave them their forms and powers from the costumes that they were wearing at the time. Did I get all that right?"
"..."
"Joseph!"
"—Wuh? Oh! Sorry, it's just... wow, you know when you summarize it all up like that, this whole situation sounds like a Chess Game of the Gods ripoff, except with even less original character designs," Joseph released a few nostalgic chuckles, "ah man, do you remember those stories?"
"Not really, no."
"Yeah, most people don't..."
"..."
"..."
"...Joseph!"
"Huh? Oh, right. Yeah, besides not mentioning the obviously simple reason why the Merchant, who has incredible trans-dimensional powers, can't just transport the cosplayed characters from their own universe to this one, everything that you just said is basically correct. There's just one thing left that needs to be addressed."
"What's that?"
Joseph shifted his body slightly in his sitting position, the dirt of the ground rubbing against his skin uncomfortably as he gave Twilight a deadly serious stare, "Why haven't you given me my clothes back yet?" he asked earnestly, shivering as mirthful wind coyly rubbed up against his exposed backside.
"You said it yourself," replied Twilight in a lecturing tone as she stood up from her own sitting position, the folded clothes on her back being kept in-place by her wings, "these displaced humans got their powers and forms from the costumes that they were wearing when they were transported here. So it stands to reason that it is their clothes and garments that is the source of their powers."
"Which means..."
"Which means," proclaimed Twilight as she turned away from Joseph to stare into the glaring light of the evening's sinking sun with a look of bravery and dutiful devotion plastered on her face, "that to properly pacify these dangerous people, I have to travel across Equestria in search of these displaced humans and strip them of their clothes."
At the end of her proclamation, a gust of wind gently blew Twilight's mane in a way that sounded more like a disappointed sigh rather than the loud vulgarity that the previous gusts of wind sounded like.
"...Well, I won't lie and say that that wouldn't put them in a sort of weakened state, that's for sure."
AND THEN FUN THINGS HAPPENED,
THE END.
Author's Note
A satire of the Displaced universe. Specifically on the more awful brand, where it's clear that the author just wants to write the aspects of their favorite characters without having to worry about them being OOC.
For those of you who want to know what the obviously simple reason why the Merchant can't just transport the original characters that the displaced people are cosplaying as to the MLP universe is, it's this: lack of effort.
And I'm not talking about the Merchant's side of things.
And just because I know that there are going to be questions being asked from you young readers who are new to FIMfiction and weren't here at the time, here is what was popular before this whole Displaced series became a thing.
Chess Game of the Gods
Though to be fair to the Displaced universe, the majority of stories from the Chess Game of the Gods universe were equally as terrible and were just as likely to be abandoned half-way.
