Metroid V: Exile

by The Philosopher King

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Crossover, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other
Length: 16363

Samus Aran has been exiled from the Galactic Federation, but travels through their space to find an old friend. Aftwards, Sylux shoots her ship down near an uncharted, non-federation planet. Meanwhile Twilight see this "meteor" crash on Equestria.

Samus Aran has been exiled from the Galactic Federation, but travels through their space to find an old friend, U-Mos. Aftwards, Sylux shoots her ship down near an uncharted, non-federation planet. Meanwhile Twilight sees these "meteors" crash on Equestria.

A Tri-cross between TF2, the Metroid Series, and MLP: FIM.

My first serious Fic. Criticism for improvement is welcome.

Published 2015-06-12 21:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-11 02:08:32 UTC

Planet Aether: The Great Temple

"What few remained gathered in the Great Temple. There, all but U-Mos, the last Sentinel of Aether, entered into life-preserving stasis. There they would remain, to be released once the Ing were destroyed... or to sleep forever. His people safe, U-Mos prepared for the last, terrible assault. In the silence of the Great Temple, he prayed for salvation, for deliverance from the terror of the Ing."

~Luminoth Lore Entry Name: Twilight

Metroid V: ExileChapter 1: The Great Temple

LOGBOOK ENTRY #001

COSMIC YEAR 2083

LOCATION: DASHA REGION SECTOR Z5 QUADRANT IV POSITION X5007Y2453Z9457

NEARBY CELESTIAL BODY: PLANET COMMON NAME “AETHER”

PREPARING LANDING SEQUENCE…

Samus was extremely… well “nervous” is not exactly the right word, but “afraid” isn’t right either. After destroying the X-Parasite threat, she did not know how the Luminoth she intended on seeing, U-Mos, would react to her blowing up the entire BSL Space Station. Plus, Aether was under Galactic Federation control; all it would take is one trooper seeing her and calling for reinforcements. But, luckily, the temple grounds where U-Mos, the Fifth Sentinel, almost always was were completely uninhabited by Federation Marines. Upon the Gunship landing, she has Adam perform a quick diagnostic on the systems of the ship and her Power Suit in Varia form:

“Hello lady, I shall guide you through the diagnostic:”

ENGINES: OPERATIONAL, ENERGY CELLS AT 97%.

MEDICAL BAY: FUNCTIONING.

AMMO PRODUCTION MODULE: ONLINE.

FISSION REACTOR: OPERATIONAL, AFLORATITE AT 95% LEVEL.

HYDROLYSIS REACTOR AND OXYGEN TANKS: ONLINE.

AUXILIARY AND MISC. SYSTEMS: FUNCTIONING.

“And now for your Power Suit:”

MISSILE LAUNCHER: OPERATIONAL

MISSILE SUPPLY: MAX

BEAM WEAPONS:

STANDARD POWER: ACTIVE

ICE: FUNCTIONAL

PLASMA: FUNCTIONAL

WAVE: FUNCTIONAL

DARK: FUNCTIONAL

LIGHT: FUNCTIONAL

ANNIHILATOR: FUNCTIONAL

BATTLEHAMMER: ONLINE

MAGMAUL: ONLINE

IMPERIALIST: ONLINE

ALL BEAM COMBOS ONLINE

MORPH BALL: OPERATIONAL

SPIDER BALL: OPERATIONAL

BOMBS: FUNCTIONAL

POWER BOMB SUPPLY: MAX

HIGH JUMP BOOTS: ACTIVE

SCREW_ATTACK+SPACE_JUMP: ACTIVE

GRAPPLE BEAM: ACTIVE

ENERGY TANKS: FULL AND MAX CAPACITY

“You are at max battle capacity, Samus: go and take care of your business with this ‘U-Mos’ before the Federation figures out you are here. Consult with him and, if you trust him enough, bring him back with you so we can have an ally. Any objections lady?” Adam adds.

“None, and time for a reunion I suppose.” Samus replies, opening the hatch. She jumps out in a somersault, and lands with one knee on the ground.

“That will never get old,” she says looking at her surroundings with her purple Gunship behind her. She enter the great temple and sees several Luminoth; large moth-like creatures similar to men, but at twice the height with wings, four-fingered hands, and red eyes. One of them stops dead in his tracks. He flies up to her and looks at her in disbelief.

“The Hunter!?” he says in a bit of a shocked voice. “I am surprised to see you here after hearing of the Federation’s arrest warrant for you. Luckily the last of their troupe left back for better federation lands, as they lost their interest in us after the Phazon clean up. So what brings you to Aether?”

“U-Mos, I came here because of the lack of allies I have in federation space. I need some help and was wondering if you could join me in a small adventure to get away from them. I don’t believe that I could-errr “defend” myself from the entire force of Marines.” She knew full well that she had problems before, and was also in fear of other Hunters from before coming after her.

“Very well, I was going to relinquish the title of Sentinel to my love, W-Mos. She is now the Sixth; I was planning on seeing the other worlds, and I am glad to follow you. However, there are these three men who seem a bit old-fashioned in technology, and hail from the Galactic Federation’s Earth; however, they terminated their Federation jobs and decided to join us Luminoth because of our technology, especially the one who wears the hard hat.”

“Woo-wee, would you look at that!” can be heard from a man wearing the hard hat U-Mos had mentioned. He walks up to the Hunter and Sentinel with a German man wearing a Lab coat and small spectacles, along with a third wearing a large western hat that has been tilted upward on one side, along with a pair of shades.

“I do believe zat you are Miss Aran, yes?” says the man in a lab coat. “U-Mos told us of your exploits here on Aether and I am thoroughly amazed. You may call me Medic, ze man in ze hard hat Engineer, and ze Australian next to me Sniper. Ve vere preparing for a trip with U-Mos, but I can see U-Mos is going with you. Perhaps ve may join your mission?”

“Sure, as long as the three of you are not hindrances.” Samus replies with hesitance in her voice.

“Heck yeah!” Engineer replies, but Sniper can be heard in the background grumbling “Bloody hell.”

“Also, uh, Miss Aran-” starts Engineer.

“Please, call me Samus, Engineer.” she interrupts.

“Actually you can call me Engie or Dell,” he says. “Ah personally wanted to tell you that I believe we can help your mission a bit. Fer instance, I can install a Respawner in your Ship if you’d like.”

“A what?” Samus says a bit confused.

“It’s a device that me, Medic, and Sniper had to use at a regular basis at our base on Earth.” Engie explains. “It’s something I have made only a few times, it’s often easier just to transfer the device to a place than to build one from scratch. It allows us to come back from the dead so to speak within a certain distance of being killed. It works on a small drop of blood and, using a special device Medic puts in yer arm to make sure you really are dead, makes an exact replica of you at your time of death minus wounds. You even retain yer old memories.”

“That sounds… amazing. Does the Federation have access to this technology?” Samus asks concernedly.

“Nope, Ah’m the only man with access to the blueprint, a gift from mah grandfather.” he replies. “They’ll never figure it out hopefully. I destroyed the last one I built when I quit mah job.”

“Well I could definitely use one of those. I would like to have one implemented in to my ship, better yet can you make two? One for inside the ship, one for outside during combat.” Engineers eyes spark at this, and he begins to smile and jump wildly.

“Alrighty then, I’ll have ‘em ready in 4 hours with this new Luminoth tech,” he says. “Can’t wait for the mission!”

LOCATION: UNKNOWN REGION UNKNOWN SECTOR UNKNOWN QUADRANT POSITION X500098627Y312357Z102837643267

NEARBY CELESTIAL BODIES: PLANET UNKNOWN; MOON IN ORBIT AROUND PLANET UNKNOWN.

Twilight was busy observing the night sky through a telescope, as all the books she had access to she had read five times over in the past week.  The past period of time was incredibly dull after the weird event with Starlight Glimmer; it seemed to resemble something she read in a short story. Ever since, Ponyville was still a sleepy town, not even Discord could make anything off about it at this point. It had become just… peaceful. She took a break from watching the sky to see groups of ponies all gathering, simply to watch the sky. There was supposed to be a meteor shower, but this one was going to be huge. Larger than any other to be witnessed before, it was going to be a major event; Pinkie Pie, of course, was preparing a party for the event. But Twilight still felt something… off about this. She personally wished to meet a being possibly from another world, one that would put some change in the world. Ponyville was peaceful, but too peaceful. She watches as what seems to be the first meteor shoot through the sky.

“I wish that I could meet just one creature from beyond our own world,” she thinks, as she watches the meteor fall across the sky.

A Bad Crash

LOGBOOK ENTRY #002

TIME: 800 HOURS, COSMIC YEAR: 2083

LOCATION: DASHA REGION SECTOR Z5 QUADRANT IV POSITION X5007Y2453Z9457

ON CELESTIAL BODY: PLANET “AETHER”

“Bloody hell today’s gonna be blimey crazy, Doc,” says Sniper, “I think the Hunter’s gonna take us to bloody hell and back before we even set foot on a safe planet.”

“Vell ve do know zat her adventures haven’t been exactly… safe nor tame,” responds Medic. “But…”

“Sex!” says Sniper in a chuckle. It was a game the three mercenaries always played, waiting for one of them to say “But” just to interrupt the other with sex.

“Ugh you schweinhund,” says an infuriated Medic. “As I was trying to say,  she has held her own in all of those situations. Surely she will keep us safe during this exploit.”

“Eh thanks for the reassurance Medic,” replies Sniper. “But don’t call me ‘Shirley’.”

Engineer hears this and jumps from behind a pile of crates and starts laughing his head off. “Well good news is we can leave now, I just finished installing that second respawner and getting Samus and U-Mos’ DNA to make it work.”

“Excellent, let’s get going!” replies Medic, and Sniper bangs his head on the nearest wall.

“Hello, friends.” says the Sentinel, flying over.  “I believe we are ready for our trip to one of the farthest planets outside of Federation Territory.”

“And so, it begins again,” says Samus. They get inside the gunship and Samus introduces them to Adam. Engineer promptly goes crazy over the computer.

“That’s amazing there, I’ve never known you can put a brain in a computer!” says Engie.

“Anyvay, we should go now. Samus, would you mind starting your Gunship?”

“Certainly. We do not have time to lose.” The engines roar up and within ten minutes are in space. Soon they are in deep space, and after an hour they arrive in a sector with a couple of hospitable planets, all unmarked.

“Now Ah’ve only been space  a few times, but this view is breathtaking. Ah need to space travel more often-” But(sex) before Engineer can finish this statement, a large blast can be heard outside the ship, and outside can be seen a fast, seemingly damaged green and gray metal ship.

“Damn Sylux!” Samus says as the ship is about to crash on the unknown planet.

“What the bloody hell just happened?” Sniper asks Samus. “I ain’t quite ready to die yet!”

“Don’t worry, but it’s gonna be a bit of a painful and bumpy crash. I know she crashed her ship once before on a planet and escaped with little pain.” says U-Mos, calming the three men down.

“I do not exactly like ze sound of zat.” replies Medic.

“I guess off we go to the nearest planet,” says Samus as the ground approaches the ship faster.

The meteor shower proved to truly be the largest one yet, with two amazing streaks going across the sky that shocked everypony; one was a bright green streak in the direction of the Frozen North, the other a bright orange-yellow streak that seemed to disappear in the Everfree forest. A crash noise could be heard, but there wasn’t an explosion and as a result no one worried. The large streaks were breathtaking however, and everypony was enjoying themselves. However, Discord began to act a bit… strange and warped to Canterlot Castle.

“Princess, I do not mean to bother you, but I detect some sort of… disturbance during the meteor shower. One that was absolutely chaotic in nature, and seems to have coalesced in the Everfree Forest and the Frozen North.” says Discord in a nervous tone.

“I have also sensed this disturbance,” says Celestia. “I have no reason to act on it until it reveals itself. Perhaps it may be benevolent, but until it reveals itself I believe it is safe to not act upon it.”

“Very well, but I have no doubt the chaos in the North is vile. The chaos in the Everfree I cannot tell if it’s good or bad.” says Discord with a minor note.

“I will send guards to the North, but tell them not to engage unless they speak to it.” She says, attempting to retire for the night. “It can wait until morning, can it not?”

“Fine,” says Discord with a slight tinge of venom in his voice, warping out of the room.

A Combat Refresher

LOGBOOK ENTRY #003

TIME: INDETERMINABLE, COSMIC YEAR: 2083

LOCATION: UNKNOWN REGION UNKNOWN SECTOR UNKNOWN QUADRANT POSITION X500098627Y312357Z102837643267

NEARBY CELESTIAL BODIES: PLANET UNKNOWN; MOON IN ORBIT AROUND PLANET UNKNOWN.

“Ah-oooom.” says U-Mos in a hovering Lotus Position, moving orbs of light inside the ship. “Ah-oooooooom.”

Samus begins to wake up from the crash. She almost jumps and rushes over to Adam.

“I am sorry my lady, but the ship has sustained damage; however, your suit luckily remains undamaged.” Adam replies to her request. “Also, the three men are still unconscious; U-Mos woke up roughly ten minutes ago.”

“I could have told her that myself, sir.” says U-mos. “We appear to be in a forest near a cave. This world seems to lack hostility like Zebes or Aether has. In fact I like almost as much as Aether if it were not for the crash.”

“Well shit could have been worse.” says Samus.

“Allow me to perform diagnostics:” says Adam.

ENGINES: OPERATIONAL, ENERGY CELLS AT 80%, TENTH CELL UNSTABLE

MEDICAL BAY: NON-FUNCTIONING

AMMO PRODUCTION MODULE: ONLINE.

FISSION REACTOR: OPERATIONAL, AFLORATITE AT 93% LEVEL.

HYDROLYSIS REACTOR AND OXYGEN TANKS: ONLINE.

AUXILIARY AND MISC. SYSTEMS: FUNCTIONING.

“Also, the planet has a atmosphere to where you do not need a suit; you can breathe the air here.” Adam informs the group.

“Alright, I guess it’s time to go exploring; Adam, please watch over U-Mos’ friends.” Samus says, preparing to jump out of the ship. She opens the hatch and jumps out in a somersault. “Again, that never gets old” she thinks to herself. Sadly this moment is interrupted by a seemingly terrified scream; she dons her Power Suit and prepares to investigate, and U-Mos follows behind her.

Meanwhile, minutes prior to Samus’ awakening…

“Why exactly are we in the Everfree Forest again?” says Sweetie Belle, walking with the two other Cutie Mark Crusaders.

“Because we need to find that root for Zecora so we can make that potion and get our marks!” replies Applebloom enthusiastically. A little too enthusiastically, however, as there can be heard a large noise, similar to an earthquake nearby.

“I don’t think that was a good idea, Apple Bloom.” Scootaloo said warily.

Then, out of the brush, leaps a ferocious lion-esque creature, a Manticore. The three fillies scream out in terror, obviously hoping to not get eaten....

 But then, a yellow sphere strikes the Manticore’s leg, stunning it for a brief second. A creature clad in orange metal steps out from the brush, and it proceeds to fire a small explosive, which nails the Manticore right in the face. The creature steps back and roars in agony, before being hit by several orange energy spheres from another creature from outside the brush, a large gray moth-like organism. The two creatures work together to bring the creature down, and Samus, before leaving a final blow, scans it:

[Recorded to Logbook]

[Morphology: Manticore]

[Large, lion like hostile creature that has extreme strength and defensive capabilities. It possesses three rows of long, fang-like teeth that can tear flesh easily. Wings are mostly vestigial, but can allow for flight under most urgent circumstances. Creature also possesses venomous spines that luckily are not sharp enough to pierce your Power Suit. Venom analysis indicated a pair of poisons, one that paralyzes prey, the other guaranteed to bring a slow, agonizing death to it victims.]

The scans somewhat surprised Samus, but not as much as the three creatures she saw that apparently had screamed; three ponies, one with a pair of wings, one with a horn, and one with a red bow, and each of them in vivid colors; this genuinely caught Samuc off-guard. “Great, I’ve either died or U-Mos had me hauled off to the psychiatric ward,” thinks the Hunter. After this initial encounter, the three walk up and, to the shock of Samus and causing U-Mos to pass out still in the air, the one with a red bow speaks English.

“Ummm… Hello there?” she asks. “Ah wanted to thank you for saving us. We would ‘ave been goners without you.”

“You’re welcome,” replies the Hunter. “Is there civilization nearby? Me and my, uh, friend crashed here from an attack.”

“Whoa are you from space?” asks the one with wings.

“Oh great a civilization that never developed space travel,” thinks Samus.

“Well… that gave me a jolt,” says U-Mos, regaining his consciousness. “Samus, are we dead? Just have to ask.”

“No, and we just saved these ponies lives.” she says. “Do you mind if I do one thing real quick?”

“Uh, sure why?” asks the winged one.

She activates her scan visor:

[New Logbook Entry Acquired]

[Morphology: Equus Caballus, subspecies Pegasi]

[Scans indicate an immature foal, not yet reaching maturity. Scans also indicate larger brain size and intelligence than Equus Caballus from Earth; as indicated by being able to speak. Subspecies has wings, but this one is still yet to mature and as as result lacks the fully developed wings necessary to obtain capability to fly with ease. Older members capable of flying at high speed, approach with caution when members are in flight as a divebomb or tackle can harm suit decently.]

[New Logbook Entry Acquired]

[Morphology: Equus Caballus, subspecies Unicorne]

[Scans indicate immature foal, not yet reaching maturity. Subspecies has horn that appears to allow accumulation of energy slightly similar to Light beam from Aether, but also similar to Power beam. This energy manipulation gland appears to have power to make objects float, teleport, and summon other objects outside of reach at will. Approach stronger and older ones with caution, most likely will be able to harm Power Suit with energy.]

[New Logbook Entry Acquired]

[Morphology: Equus Caballus, subspecies Gaiae]

[Scans indicate immature foal, not yet reaching maturity. Subspecies appears to have more muscle mass and strength than Unicorne or Pegasi possess. Scans also indicate this particular specimen has worked hard in its life. Possibly can harm suit even this young with a full force attack, even though it would most likely be only one energy or two. Older and Stronger ones are recommended to be approached with caution, as muscle accumulated in back of legs, allowing for strong kicks.]

“I am sorry,” says U-Mos. “She gets caught up in her scan data whenever she receives it from new sources.” He proceeds to nudge Samus enough not to damage her, but almost knock her over.

“Sorry about getting caught up, U-Mos.” she replies. “Now do you mind if we follow you back to you settlement? We lack any formalities with the locals here as of yet.”

“Sure, as long as you don’t harm anyone,” says the pony with the bow. “By the way, Ah’m Apple Bloom, this here is Scootaloo,” she says gesturing to the winged one, “And this is Sweetie Belle,” she finishes gesturing to the horned one.

“Now who are you two?” asks Sweetie Belle.

“I am Samus Aran, and this is U-Mos. I am a Human bounty hunter, and U-Mos was a sentinel of his people, the Luminoth. We crashed here getting away from a certain… um… thing that shot our craft out of space, and we crashed here. Thank you for an escort.” Samus finishes.

The Adventures of Engineer and RED

Meanwhile, in the ship Engineer and Medic had begun to stir.

“That was some wreck, hoss,” says Engineer. “Glad to see this thing’s in one piece.”

“Vell I am glad zat ve are avake again.”  replies Medic. “Oops! I still need to vake Sniper.”

He pulls a medi-gun from his…”backpack” and proceeds to nail the beam on Sniper. He gradually heals a broken arm and a leg and wakes up fine.

“Thanks Doc, really ‘ppreciate ya.” thanks the now awake Sniper.

“Hello you three,” says Adam. “U-Mos and Samus left a while ago. I detected a small conflict in the distance they stopped, before the two left my sensors for civilization I suppose. I presume you should follow this route:”

He pulls up a three dimensional map that indicates them to follow a route to the edge of the forest so they can see if they can find civilization or Samus/U-Mos.

“Any objections, you three?”

"Nah."

“Nein.”

“Nope.”

“Good, just leave the hatch when you’re ready.”

Sniper picks up his trusty rifle, SMG, Professional’s Panama, and kukri, while Engineer picks up his wrench, MIning Light, PDA, shotgun, Wrangler, and a Pip-Boy he bought from Aether. Medic picks up his syringe gun, medi-gun, and Ubersaw, alongside a Vintage Tyrolean.

They then exit the ship and walk in the direction displayed on Engineer’s Pip-Boy, conveniently plugged in by Adam. Eventually the group reached the edge of the Everfree forest, and see nothing but plains, with the exception of a city with a castle on a mountain in the far distance, and closer a small village with a seemingly crystal castle shaped like a tree.

“Bloody hell we must be in a dream boys, there ain’t enough crystal in the world to make that bloody thing!”

“Zat has to be one of ze most beautiful things I have ever seen, let’s get closer.

Samus decided to leave on the Varia Suit, as she was still in unknown territory; however U-Mos was far more relaxed with these three fillies leading them to God knows where.

“Let’s leave them with Twilight, she’ll know how to react to them,” says Scootaloo. “Besides, she may have information on them in her books.”

The group approaches the small town and continues towards a large castle, which Samus scans:

[Recorded to Logbook]

[Structure: Tree Castle]

[Structure appears to be made of solid Afloratite, but in a stable form that would be resistant to fission. Truly amazing, as Afloratite was thought to be only available in a highly unstable form.]

This shocked Samus, as Afloratite was what powered her ship’s Fission Reactor. It somewhat scared her even, due to her knowledge of how volatile Afloratite normally was.

The three fillies knock on the door of the rather large structure. The doors open, revealing a taller lavender pony, but it has a horn and wings. Samus, still thinking herself insane, scans it anyway:

[New Logbook Entry Acquired]

[Morphology: Equus Caballus, subspecies Alicorne]

[Subspecies Alicorne posseses better manipulation of energy around it than Unicorne posseses, in fact on par with Chozo Elders. Also has somewhat stronger natural wings than Pegasi, but through training Pegasi can become much faster than Alicorne. This subspecies is the largest threat of all subspecies of Equus Caballus, but shares weakness with Unicorne and Pegasi of the horn and wings, repectively. Due to stronger energy manipulation, has larger arsenal of offensive and defensive potential than Unicorne. Very few exist in comparison to the other three subspecies. This one is an element bearer, one of six special member of the species that controls a condensed form of energy the Chozo taught them to control. This one bears the element of Magic as it is called by their species.]

“Of course the Chozo loved their ‘magic,’ thinks Samus. “Perhaps that’s why my suit can so readily make entries on the species from the world here, they were here once.”

“A PAIR OF MONSTERS!!!” screams the mare while Samus was still reading her newly acquired scan data.

“Twilight stop!” starts the one named ‘Scootaloo,’ “These two saved us from a Manticore attack in the Everfree! They’re friendly.”

“R-really?” she says. “Are you the creatures-”

“Let me guess; That caused the orange-yellow streak in the sky last night. Our ship crashed here- Oh shit we forgot your friends U-Mos!” Samus says to the Sentinel.

“Don’t worry, they can hold their own. The have liftetimes worth of combat experience, certainly a fight with a few forest creatures won’t make them lose their minds.” he says, but then the group hears the sounds of a shotgun, SMG, and syringe gun going off in the distance. “And that’s them right on schedule, apparently losing their minds.” U-Mos and Samus both facepalm in each other’s direction.

“AHHHHHHHHH!!!” screams Engineer as he keeps shooting at the the rabid looking creature in front of him with his shotgun. He doesn’t let go of the trigger until he has to reload. Sniper fills the thing full of lead from his SMG. Medic helps out as he can with the syringe gun, before trying to get a good look at what exactly are they shooting in the first place. He then realizes it’s a harmless cat, not even foaming at the mouth.

“DUMMKOPFS LOOK AT WHAT YOU’RE SHOOTING AT!!!” yells Medic. “It’s a harmless cat! It couldn’t harm us even if it tried.”

Sniper shoots it one more time with his SMG, just in case.

“Mein gott im heimmel, Sniper it’s dead!” says Medic. “Look there’s a hut over there, perhaps we should stop there before we go to that village, the person inside might be able to help us and tell us where Samus and U-Mos are.”

The group walks inside the hut and finds what appears to be a stone statue of a zebra, frozen in a horrified position. Behind it is a creature extremely similar to a chicken, only with a long snake-like tail.

“Umm, hello there frau-” Medic barely says as he turns to stone almost instantly.

“CRIKEY!!!” screams  Sniper, also turning to stone.

Engineer, however, is unfazed by this creature. He’s terrified as heck, but he realizes his welding goggles saved his eyes. The creature stares at him menacingly, but he walks up to it and shoots it square in the face. The creature screeches in agony, falling back to the ground in a comedic fashion.

Then, his comrades seems to magically turn back to normal, and the zebra statue turns into a real zebra, falling to the ground unconscious.

“Wow that was disturbing,” start Engineer.

“Vat, I didn’t have any reaction time. I didn’t even see vat it was really, other zan a menacing pair of eyes.” says the Medic.

“Bloody hell that was God awful,” says Sniper. “I don’t think the beaut there is waking up any time soon. That mongrel probably scared the living daylights out of her.”

The Acid Chapter

“Anyway, we were wondering where exactly we are.” says U-Mos. “We are extremely unfamiliar with the area, as this is an uncharted planet.”

“Well… the country we’re in is Equestria.” replies the purple mare. “The town you’re in is Ponyville. And I would like to know where you two are from.’

“Well, I have too much of a history to explain, it might even take me a whole day to recount everything I’ve been through. U-Mos can explain his tale faster.” replies Samus

“Actually I would prefer to wait until our friends come. I noticed you sent a message, umm… ‘Twilight’ is it?” Twilight looks at him in shock.

“Y-yes I did!” she nearly screams. “How did you know?”

“Echo visor,” says U-Mos. “It allows my kind’s blind to see, but it shows them the world in terms of sound. I sensed you upstairs, having a creature light a message in flame that exited the room at a fraction of light speed.”

“That was Spike.” she replies. “And the message was sent to the Princesses of Equestria. I was hoping  you could meet them and tell them you mean no harm.”

“Alright, but who is this ‘Spike’?” asks U-Mos. “I presume he is another sentient, but judging from how I sensed his size, I presume he is not truly one of you.”

Samus activates her echo visor, and notices the weird upright creature upstairs that U-Mos was talking about; it seemed reptilian, but was incredibly short.

“He’s a baby dragon.” she says.

“Yep it’s official U-Mos, we’re both high on shrooms or acid. Where’d ya get ‘em, ya sick dog?” asks Samus.

“I ensure you, we Luminoth never experimented with drugs before. We are sadly not high.”  replies U-Mos, obviously disappointed and confused as hell. A blue pegasus with rainbow mane barges into the building, almost crashing into U-Mos and Samus enters a defensive position.

“Hey Twi, I was wondering if you knew anything about the crea-” She proceeds to look at U-Mos square in the face and yelps, before darting back a bit. “Who the hay are you ponies? You look like you’re dressed up for Nightmare Night!”

“Rainbow, these are the creatures the CMC were saved by, the large one is U-Mos, and the orange one is Samus.”

“I am U-Mos, fifth sentinel of the Luminoth and protector of the Great Temple of Aether.” says U-Mos.

“And I am Samus Aran, bounty hunter. Who exactly are you?”

“I’m Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in all of Equestria!” she replies in a somewhat arrogant tone.

“You definitely remind me of one of my previous milliatary captains, but that’s for another day. Do you mind if I scan you?”

“Huh? Is that the weird thing you were doing when you asked the fillies if you could do something for a second?”

“It appears to give her knowledge about us, Rainbow. Kinda like a field guide.”

“The funny thing is someone made a parody of this system before it was even made,” says Samus, remembering the “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy.”

“Well get it done quick, I guess…” says Rainbow Dash. Samus quickly scans the pegasus, which yield the following information:

[New Logbook Entry Acquired]

[Morphology: Equus Caballus, subspecies Pegasi]

[Mature member of subspecies Pegasi. Bioscans indicate extreme training, and as a result member can fly over ten times the speed of normal Pegasi subspecies members. Member is an element bearer, bearer of element of Loyalty. Member of subspecies also appears to have weather manipulation capability, not detectable in young foal from before. Has potential to use weather based attacks.]

The three men decide to leave the cottage, as they wished not to scare the inhabitant anymore than the weird chicken-snake had. The group begins to walk towards the town on a small dirt road, when Engineer is nearly tackled to the ground by a mint-green blur.

“Ooof!” says the startled Engineer, hurtling towards the ground faster than his teammates can react with bullets and syringes.

“I TOLD YA BON BON!!!” screams the blur, revealed to be a mint-green pony. “HUMANS DO EXIST!!!!”

“What in sam-hill are ya thinking, just knocking a man to the ground for no reason!” says the startled Engineer.

Meanwhile, Medic is laughing his head off and Sniper is checking his jacket for signs of any signs of accidentally being stuck with a hallucinogenic or tranquilizing syringe by the Doc.

“Ohohohoo,” says Medic. “I think ve’re on an acid trip!”

“Nah Doc,” says Sniper. “I can’t find any signs of hallucinogens or tranquilizers nearby or stuck in us.”

“So we’re all seeing a talking mint green pony with a horn in it head.” replies Medic with wide eyes.

“As much as I’d like to say nope, yeah we are Doc.” says Engineer, still trying to stop the pony from freaking out over him. Another pony with a pink and blue mane walks up and appears to have a scorn on her face.

“For the last time Lyra, humans do not-” she starts, before she stares Sniper dead in the face for less than a second, then making a small scream noise and fainting. Engineer waves his Texas Ten Gallon over her head, but she doesn’t wake up.

“Guess she’s out cold. Doc can ya help her?” replies Engineer.

“I suppose, but I am afraid to use the Medi-gun because her heart might explode. Also because I’d prefer not to kill a member of a sentient species today.”

“OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGO-” continues Lyra before Sniper shoves a jar in her mouth. An empty one of course.

“Hopefully that’ll shut her up for a minute so we can bloody speak! Aghh.” says an obviously irritated Sniper. Sniper was always used to the peace and quiet of the wilderness, or the white noise of a Heavy’s  minigun, incessant chatter always got on his nerves.

“Anyvay, um, fraulein, can you take us to the village? Ve need to find a few friends of ours that are probably zere.”

Sniper removes the jar, and the unicorn gladly agrees. She starts bouncing up and down as she walks with a huge smile on her face, with Engineer carrying the second, still unconscious pony and Sniper and Medic trailing next to Engie.

“So, have you seen a tall moth like man and humanoid creature clad in orange metal?”

“No sir, I haven’t,” replies the unicorn, still with a huge smile on her face. Medic starts to get creeped out a bit, but Engineer and Sniper just go along with it. Medic guesses this is because their perceptions of fear have been minimized by countless attacks from random Spies, but he technically would have the same fear, so he eliminates that possibility. Medic decides just to go with the madness and let the craziness flow.

Meanwhile, in the Frozen North a lone figure steps out of a smoldering green and silver spacecraft. Humanoid in appearance, it walks towards a tall mountain and looks in the distance to see a small orange object in the far off forestland. It says only one thing in a robotic voice before walking towards the closest, crystal covered city.

“I’m coming for your bounty, Aran.”

Objective: Eliminate Sylux

“Twilight, I understand you wanted to see us about a pair of-” Celestia starts, before seeing Samus in her zero suit and U-Mos. “Oh my…”

“That’s umm.. interesting.” says Luna.

“I am U-Mos, fifth Sentinel of the Luminoth, and that is Samus Aran, bounty hunter and Savior of Aether.”

“U-Mos, shut up,” says Samus. “I told you to stop calling me that a long time ago.”

“Anyway, I believe we would like to know a bit more about you, perhaps what you did before you got here?” asks Celestia.

“I suppose I can tell my tale now, the three mercenaries have already heard of the story of Aether and our exploits there.” U-Mos takes a sitting position and produces a hologram of Aether, just like when he first met Samus.

“My people, the Luminoth, were not born and isolated to a homeworld, rather we were born of the stars. We met many peoples, including the N’Kren, the Yila, even the Chozo that Samus is related to. However, we lacked a planet to truly call home. “

"Our search for a home took us through the cosmos. For many a great cycle we roamed, yet a place to call our home eluded us. In time, we began to despair, feeling the search was in vain. We considered remaining among the stars until a scout returned with news of a world unlike any other. When we first beheld Aether for the first time, so great was her beauty that we forsook the stars forever to live upon her surface. From that day forth, the Luminoth were of Aether, our blessed paradise."

“It was a beautiful realm, with lush forests and fertile fields. But then, a phazon meteor struck our planet, ruining its beauty, turning the forests to bogs and the fields to wastelands. However, the meteor was so strong it tore our world in two,” and shows the orange hologram splitting in two.  “Into an Aether and a ‘Dark’ Aether, with the planet’s energy divided amongst the two worlds. Dark foes began to possess creatures of Aether, and eventually we went into their world.”

"In time, we created machines to open rifts into our enemy's world. Volunteer scouts went through the rifts and found a twisted world, harsh and poisonous... a Dark Aether. They discovered that this world held the missing half of our planet's energy. They also saw the true face of the enemy, a race we came to call ‘Ing-’”

At that moment however, Pinkie began to laugh at the term. U-Mos, with a dead serious loo on his face, shows the group an orange hologram of an arachnid-like creature. It had a central core, and the hologram made vile noises.

“meaning terror. Our scouts could not survive long on the surface of Dark Aether, so venomous was its air. Still, we vowed to return. We prepared for war."

“They were a race that knew nothing but hatred.” he says.

“How could such a race even exist?” asks Twilight in disbelief.

“Oh they existed alright. Almost all Luminoth perished from their attacks after our long fight against them, they took our sanctuaries one by one until they came to the last, and I was eventually appointed Sentinel while the few remaining members of the Luminoth entered stasis. But then, the Hunter here came and allowed us to mount a counteroffensive, and we destroyed them, and Aether began to return to its once vibrant self.” As U-Mos finished this statement, the three mercs, Engie still carrying Bon Bon, and Lyra walk in to the castle. “Ah, Engineer, Sniper, Medic, I am glad to see you friends. Why were you out so long?”

“I don’t know, you two probably woke up sooner because, U-Mos, you’re a different species, and Samus has that weird bird DNA-”

“Chozo DNA. And that did change me a little bit, but it makes me capable to whoop your ass any day.” She says this with a glare, directly at Engineer, who cringes a little but keeps smiling.

“You von’t believe vat ve had to deal vith.” starts Medic, but he sees the rest of the ponies in the room with Samus and U-Mos. “Oh vait, I see you’ve already encountered the native populace of zis planet.”

“Are these your ‘friends,’ U-Mos?” asks Luna.

“As a matter of fact, they are. So, I believe you must have had a different journey, would you mind recounting it for us?”

“Sure, as long as we get to hear y’all’s story afterwards.” replies Engineer. “So, after waking up, we took a walk through that forest we crashed into or whatever,”

“The Everfree Forest,” adds Twilight, knowing where the other two came from.

“I guess,” says Engineer. “So we went through that forest and eventually one of us, I forget which, heard a rustling noise and something jumped out of the brush, we couldn’t tell what and we started shooting at it.”

“It vas just a cat.” notes Medic, still a bit angry for that.

“I know Medic, we need to be more careful next time. Anywho, we then found a small hut. Inside was a weird statue of a zebra or something, and behind it was a chicken with the body of a snake. Medic and Sniper got turned to stone when they saw it, similar to the zebra statue, but I guess my welding lenses here prevented me from changing I guess. I then shot it in the face and fell over, and my buddies here changed back to themselves again. The statue also became a real looking zebra, and after Medic checked its vitals, we left.to find a small dirt road. Then we ran into-”

“Me!” shouted Lyra, still with a huge smile on her face. The weirdness of this look was starting to creep out everyone, even Celestia a bit; but Engineer kept going on.

“Yeah, you. We ran into her and her friend fainted saying humans don’t exist or something like that, but then she fell completely unconscious after seeing Sniper. Then the green pony there lead us here.”

“How did you kill a cockatrice?” asks Twilight.

“A bloody what?” asks Sniper confusedly.

“Ya know, the thing that turned you friends into stone?” asks Rainbow Dash.

“Shoot, it only took one shot with this,” he says, holding up his Frontier Justice. “It wasn’t even in crit mode.”

“What does it do?” Twilight asks. “The only thing I’ve seen like this is the small device Samus has been carrying,”

“You ain’t ever seen a gun before?” replies Engineer, and the two other mercenaries look on speechlessly. “Well, it’s a device that ignites a little black powder, shooting one these here cartridges.” He holds up a shotgun cartridge. “And then the cartridge opens up into a bunch of small little metal spheres, severely injuring those hit.”

“Congratulations wanker,” starts up Sniper. “You just explained the concept of a shotgun. Now what the bloody hell are we gonna do now that we’ve crashed into a random planet in the middle of nowhere?”

“Well, I zhink zis is vunderful,” replies Medic. “Besides, ve vere trying to get avay from ze Federation, and it vorked.”

“Alright, but first I have on question for you.” asks Celestia. “Can we trust you?”

“Yes. But you have a problem.” answers Samus.

“Well what would that be?” she replies.

“That green streak in the sky from that night shot us out of it.” says Samus. “And I’m afraid it’s a threat to your entire country. Imagine me, in a metal silver and green suit with no face. That abomination is called Sylux. He will mercilessly kill all your citizens until he finds me and kills me for the Federation’s bounty, even though he hates them he loves money. Although he’s more of an ‘it,’ as it seems to be a robot or something…”

“Well since you know more about it than us,” replies Celestia. “And you accept payment for any job, correct?”

“Correct. Let me guess; hiring me to deal with this threat.”

“Yes. You are welcome in this country and I will gladly pay you any cost to keep my ponies safe. But I want all five of you in on the job since you seem to know more about this threat than us. Do you have any objections?” asks Celestia, reminding Samus of how Adam always asked her this question.

“One, I need scrap metal to repair my gunship.”

“Very well, there is a nearby junkyard. You can have unlimited access to it, and here is a small down payment for each of you.” She pulls out five small burlap bags from a chest, and inside are solid gold coins, making the three mercs mouths semi-water, U-Mos gasp which Samus didn’t even know he could do, and Samus speechless.

“This will cover it.” says Samus, taking the first sack, with U-Mos and the mercs falling behind.

“Very well, I expect this threat to be eliminated. I believe we can trust you; You five have not hurt anyone, and in fact saved several people already. As long as you defend the area and destroy the one named ‘Sylux,’ you can do as you wish here in Ponyville. I suppose I shall see you in the future.” says Celestia, leaving out of the door of the library along with Luna.

“So I got a question on mah mind,” asks Engineer. “It’s almost sundown and we got no place to stay, and no time to go back to Samus’ ship over there.”

“Well I’m certain we can find each of you places to stay,” says Twilight. “I only have one guest room, however, and I think Samus should have it, considering how she’s been eyeing the books.”

“I do need to scan the material, especially any maps and cartography.” replies Samus. “I believe staying here would be a good idea.”

“Very well, I’ll see if I can find places for the rest of you to stay. In the meantime, go look about the town a bit; it’s a beautiful one.” says Twilight, and the three mercs and Luminoth exit the Library.

A Night on The Pony Town

Sniper, Medic, and Engineer split up from U-Mos, partly because of how he was going back towards the forest instead of towards the town. The three decide to look around for tenancy, but first Engineer suggested looking for sustenance, after all they literally hadn’t had anything to eat since the crash. So they walk into the market zone, and browse a bit. All of the faces they see are friendly, and while Medic and Engineer are browsing, Sniper is a bit trepidatious in the sudden appearance of many friendly faces. He somewhat liked this country, after all; it reminded him somewhat of Australia, just with ponies instead of human beings. They even had a bloody queen!

“Vell, I guess ve should buy something.” He looks through the bag and finds several different denomination coins, including 1, 5, 10, and 20 bit coins.

“Ah reckon I’ll just buy an apple, I ain’t actually that hungry.” says Engineer. “This place ain’t got me thinking about food too much, rather more about a good beer.” He walks over to a small cart, and notices a certain small filly; he recognized it as the one that Samus described in her story.

“Hey, ain’t you Apple Bloom or whatever?” he asks the young pony.

“Yessir I am.” she replies.

“I am actually close friends with U-Mos, the large feller who saved you and yer friends?”

“Yeah, Ah remember him; the moth-looking guy, right?”

“Yes him, me and my two other friends here are trying to find a place to stay at the moment, and I was wonder if you knew of a place we could stay.”

“Ah’m afraid my family doesn’t have a place for all of ya, but there’s a bed in the barn just in case we ‘ave visitors. You can stay if you like.” She was kind of hoping he would say yes; these humans were extremely new and exciting.

“That would be an excellent arrangement, would even give me a place to build some things, thanks little miss.”

“No problem.” she says with a smile, and Engineer walks back to the other two in plaza, as the two are easy to see above the shorter ponies.

“Well Ah just got my living arrangements,” says Engineer. “But Ah’m afraid Ah couldn’t get anything for you guys. You’ll ‘ave to find your own.”

“Eh, zings could be vorse.” says Medic. “Maybe me and Sniper will find places, hopefully before sundown. And I definitely need a beer after all zis fuss.”

“Hey, I need some bloody lager after all this,” replies Sniper. “Preferably some Victoria Bitter, although I doubt they have it in this town.”

“Vell ja,” says Medic. “Zis is a civilization isolated from ze rest of the federation. Beer from Earth vould be impossible to obtain.”

“Bloody great,” states Sniper. “I’ll just go to that store over there, see if I can buy a new hat.” He holds up his standard hat; it was so ragged from everything it had been through, from being burned to being shot to pieces, that Sniper could pull one string and the whole hat would fall apart. He walks into the store, seeing mostly dresses, but a few hats as well. After browsing a bit, he notices the pony operating the store is staring at him a bit… awkwardly is an understatement. More like he had six heads. Or was a bloody piker.

“”Ello there, lass-” he says, but then immediately takes a frying pan to the face from nowhere. “AAGH, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL JUST-” then he gets whacked again, knocking him unconscious. Medic and Engineer rush into the store, hearing the telltale sounds of a frying pan and Sniper yelling. They see the unicorn, with a white coat and purple mane breathing heavily.

“Umm, Miss?” says Medic. “Please calm down, we mean no harm; we are friends with the two that I believe saved your sister.” He remembers that one of the ponies Samus had saved had a sister, one which owned a boutique or something.

“WHO ARE YOU??” she screams, definitely scaring Medic and making Engineer jump; not even the bread monster from Soldier’s teleporter experiments scared them genuinely.

“Well, we’re here because we crashed here, and we got hired by yer princesses to defend this place from a major threat. She gave us a down payment, and Sniper came in here looking for a hat.” replies Engineer.

“Wait, you’re just customers?” she asks, obviously confused now.

“Vell, you actually knocked your customer unconscious.” answers Medic, taking out his medigun and healing Sniper a bit.

“I believe I can replace it,” she says. “I don’t believe we’ve had proper introductions, have we? I am Rarity; and the rest of you are?”

“Well, Ah’m Engineer, and this is Medic. The one you knocked unconscious is Sniper.”

“Well I’m dreadfully sorry about that.” she says.

“Nah, I’ve been through worse beatings.” He remembers the day Demoman started running around asking for a stout shako for two refined metal; and then anyone who said no would get beat mercilessly with a frying pan; definitely worse than what just happened.

“Rarity, I heard noise downstairs,” says a voice upstairs, sounding rather young. Medic guesses accurately the belonged to the filly called Sweetie Belle. She walks downstairs and sees Medic treating the Sniper still.

“Ah, so you’re the one Samus called Sweetie Belle.” says Engineer. “We’re friends with her and we’re trying to find a place to stay. I already got arrangements, but Sniper and Medic are still looking.”

“Actually,” says Rarity. “I believe we have a guest room open; Sniper can stay here, it’s the least I can do for that brutal assault.”

“Thanks.” says Sniper, before leaving his hat on her desk and leaving with the two other mercenaries.

“Vell now all zat’s left are my arrangements.” says Medic. “I guess we should head to a bar, if they have eins.” The three look around, but the only establishment they see seems to be a confectionary shop. They walk in and see a pink pony behind the counter with her eyes almost bulging at seeing them. Simultaneously, the mercenaries say:

“Ah hell.”

“Bloody hell”

“Mein Gott im Himmel.”

“OH MY GOSH NEW PONIES!!!” shouts the pink pony, now a blur, She is gone in an instant, and the three mercs are absolutely and entirely befuddled. The three mercenaries prepare to walk out, but are stopped at the door by the blur.

“Hi I’m Pinkie Pie, and it’s nice to meet you!” she says, but the mercs can barely make it out because of how fast she is speaking. “Are you from another dimension? Space? The moon? I’ve never seen anything like you!” By this point, Sniper and Medic are holding their ears, and Engineer is only slightly aggitated because he was used to irritating noises like this coming from his sentry guns.

“Can ya calm down, miss?” he says. “We’re just here for alcohol if ya have it. If ya don’t, we’d like to know where and if you have room and board for our friend here.” Medic felt like protesting, but he was thinking the only alternative would be sleeping outside, as there didn’t seem to be any inns in this town.

“He can stay here!” says Pinkie Pie. “C’mon Mr. Hospital Guy!”

“Actually, ze name is Medic.” replies none other than Medic, now out of Limbo.

“Thank god we all have a place to stay.” says Sniper. “We can now truly hit the town. But what do you think happened to U-Mos, guys?”

U-Mos decided to go observe the world more accurately the five were in, flying a bit above the city. He had never preferred flight, but it was easier on this planet for some reason, maybe a less pressured atmosphere or a lower gravity. He saw the town square, the crystal tree Samus was staying in, the three mercenaries, the local populace, and several landmarks. On the edge near the forest, however, he found a single cottage. It had a small bridge and looked well cared for, with the exception of the animals surrounding it. When he landed from his flight, a good portion left the area, mostly out fear. Even the bear ran back into the woods. But one particularly stubborn creature stood at the door; a lone white rabbit.

“Hello there, small guardian. I mean no harm.” he says to the rabbit. It impatiently taps its foot on the ground.

“Perhaps you will change your mind.” He enters a Luminoth battle stance, and releases an orb of energy into the sky. He learned that releasing warning shots like this deterred attacks from not just the Ing, but also from all manners of creatures. The rabbit opens the door by grabbing onto the handle and lets him in. The cottage is not much bigger inside than it looked from the outside, and it barely fits U-Mos.

“Is anyone home?” he asks first in his native Luminoth, then English. He was mildly dissapointed the species didn’t speak Luminoth, but the distinct gutteral tones were hard for most creatures to reproduce.

“Y-yes, coming.” can be heard a bit timidly upstairs. U-Mos decides to take a standard crouching position because he was afraid of breaking a chair. After a few minutes he enters a floating lotus position, moving orbs of light around with his mind’s eye, as his real eyes were blind in this position. When he hears a small gasp, U-Mos turns around to see a small yellow and pink pegasus, slightly cowarding after apparently turning the lights on inside the home.

“Hello there,” he says, barely standing up to his full height. He was a little crouched over to avoid hitting the ceiling, but other than that, standing up. Upon standing up, the small pegasus keeled over and fainted.

“I guess this is where I stay,” says U-Mos, but the small rabbit kicks him in the foot.

“Shut up, you mute.” he says. “Never thought I would have heard of an overly expressive mute rabbit. Then again, never thought I would land on a planet filled with sentient pegasi, unicorns, and multicolored ponies.” He carries her upstairs to what appears to be a bed room, and place her down with a blanket over her. U-Mos then tries to figure out where he would sleep. He almost looks for a guest room, but realizes any bed from this world would be too small for a creature his frame at over twelve feet tall. He opts for bunking on what appears to be a sofa in her main room.

“An exciting first day, to say the least.” says U-Mos, entering the closest thing to sleep. Luminoth don’t have to sleep, rather they simply enter a stasis where they are still conscious but resting and healing their bodies. They can even sleep walk on will, although it’s more of stasis walking.  He closes his eyes and enters free-will stasis.

First Day on the Job

TIME: INDETERMINABLE, COSMIC YEAR: 2083

LOCATION: DASHA REGION SECTOR Z5 QUADRANT IV POSITION X5007Y2453Z9457

NEARBY CELESTIAL BODY: PLANET DESIGNATION “AETHER”

The Space Pirates were doing as they did best; plotting to mercilessly pillage a planet. But there was a nearby anomaly, one which scared them; a spatial signature left behind by Samus Aran’s ship.Even if it was just a signature, it scared them.

“My Lord,” says a Pirate admiral. He wore medals, from previous pirate raids; most of Ridley’s admirals were new, but a few survived the Hunter’s fights. Those that harmed her without dying practically became war heroes. “We have found a spatial signature of the Hunter’s ship. Shall we give chase?”

“Not yet,” says Ridley, on a large throne adorned with metal. “We need to do a decent sized supply raid first on the federation colony on Aether, and then we shall go after her. I can now get my revenge, and be redeemed in society. We can have our own nation, as long as we remove the Hunter first.” He says the last part literally spitting venom. He hated the Federation, but hated the Hunter more. More than anything else. Not even death was as aggravating as the Hunter.

“Let the raid begin,” he says with a smile, jumping out of the ship into the atmosphere, flaring his wings into the sky of Aether.

LOGBOOK ENTRY #004

TIME: UNKNOWN, COSMIC YEAR 2083

LOCATION: UNKNOWN REGION UNKNOWN SECTOR UNKNOWN QUADRANT POSITION X500098627Y312357Z102837643267

NEARBY CELESTIAL BODIES: PLANET TEMPORARY DESIGNATION “EQUESTRIA”; MOON IN ORBIT AROUND PLANET “EQUESTRIA.”

Samus had woken up from the small guest room, before Twilight and Spike had awoken. She had always woken early, mostly because of the various conflicts she had been through. When something can kill you in its sleep, it often tries to. She crept down stairs, and walked into the library. She picked up a book, and noticed it was written in the English alphabet.

“At least these things won’t be hard to scan,” she says. She notices a small pile of books set out, and looks at them. They are all cartography books like she asked for.

“This will definitely help,” she says. She scans the books, and her suit makes adjustments to the scanned maps and eventually gives this notification:

[Map Data Acquired! Equestria is ready to be traversed with ease.]

She hadn’t had to manually scan map data in a long time, as she was used to various map stations being scattered throughout areas. Eventually, she opted to go to the junkyard for the parts she would need. Activating the speed booster, but disabling its damaging function, she rushes over to the site. She starts picking through, assorting junk metal from useful materials. She eventually has enough, wishing she knew where Engineer was. Then again, she decides might be able to track him and his colleagues down with one of her visors, most likely X-ray or Thermal, later. She sprints into the woods, drops the metal off and checks on Adam.

“You alright, Adam?” she asks.

“Yes, lady. I have figured out that I can fly, and the tractor function is operational. We can do repairs where I presume you found civilization?”

“It’s not an advanced civilization, but they speak English. Good enough for me.”

“Allow me to fly us there.” he replies, activating the two functional thrusters of the ship. “The ride will be rough without stabilizers, but I can manage.”

Engineer was waking up from the long day from before to start basic construction of a new, partial base in the barn. He decides the first thing to do is set up some dispensers, as the dispensers supplied him with not just health, but more metal to construct with. After setting up three, he hears the sound of movement, automatically drawing his pistol out of instinct; however, all he sees is the pony from yesterday, cowering.

“Shoot, I’m sorry for scaring ya.” he says, placing the pistol back in his belt “Was setting up a base of operation in here.”

“What’s that thing?” she says, gesturing to the dispenser.

“This here is a Dispense-o-matic 9000,” he says. “Better known simply as a ‘Dispenser.’ It heals similar to Medic’s medigun and supplies ammunition and metal for constructing more buildings for me.”

“That sounds good.” she says.

“Wanna help me build the rest of the stuff in here?” he says.

“Sure, don’t see why not.” she replies. She doesn’t see any tools or devices other than his toolbox and wrench. “But how’d ya build it when ya don’t have anything out?”

“Heh, I got a few tricks up my sleeve,” he says. “I put a quantity of metal in the toolbox and it starts building automatically. I just speed it up with mah wrench.” He cradles his Jag in his hands.

“So what do you do?” she asks.

“Ya move the box where ya want it, and hit a little.” Apple Bloom nudges the box a bit, then bucks it slightly. The box makes a steam noise, then starts rising up. In less than a minute, the structure is complete.

“That was easy,” she says, but in that time, Engineer had already built four on the other side of the barn.

“Great, now let me reprogram this... “ he says, messing around with his Pip-Boy. He changes the sentry’s programming to not hurt the ponies he had loaded into the small device’s database. Then, he decides to start building sentries, as teleporters were his last priority. He sets the box down and starts building  the sentry, and Apple Bloom looks on at the device.

“But what does it do?” she asks again, still confused at its purpose.

“It shoots anything it perceives as a threat that gets too close. I also can take manual control of it, like this.” He takes out his Wrangler, and a red shield appears around the device. It points a laser at the location it aims, a bit like Sniper’s laser sights on some of his weapons. “Ah’m gonna build two more of these, and upgrade one of them up.”

After finishing building the other two, he fully upgrades the center one in the center of the entrance. There were now three sentries; one level three in the central path, and two level ones on the sides. He hears something over the beeping of sentries, the sounds of hoofsteps similar Apple Bloom’s but a bit louder. He yanks out his wrangler and points the sentries to the ground, in case the guns accidentally perceive it as a hostile. He sees an orange pony taller than Apple Bloom, and obviously older.

“Sis, how’s that creature-” she says, before hearing the beeping of the guns. “What in tarnation?”

“Hello there miss.” says Engineer.

“Applejack, Ah would like you to meet Engineer.” says the small pony.

“Um, hello?” she responds a bit unsure. “What is all this stuff?”

“Small base of operation,” says Engineer. “Ah built some dispensers and a few sentries to keep this place safe.”

“Isn’t this a little overkill?” she asks, inspecting the level three sentry.

“Well if it’s where I’m staying, I’d like to know mah stuff’s here so ain’t getting killed in the night.” He remembers how spies had a nasty habit of backstabbing as you sleep while your sentry’s busy taking down other infuriated men.

“All right then,” says Applejack. “Ah was coming down here to see if ya’ll wanted breakfast.”

“Sounds good, miss Applejack.” says Engineer. The three leave the barn for a nearby house.

“And that’s how Equestria was made!” says Pinkie Pie at the end of her story. Medic certainly wasn’t expecting that as the ending statement, as he simply asked if she knew anything of pony anatomy.

“I have heard crazier statements,” says Medic, remembering various times Demo was drunk or Pyro was frolicking around the battlefield. “Do you know if zere is a hospital around here? I believe I need to brush up on ze practices here.”

“Okie Dokie Loki!” she says. “It’s right around the corner. See ya!” she says. Medic was glad to be rid of the pink fraulein, as she was constantly talking. But there was the Ponyville Hospital in front of him; he would be able to learn the practices, and perhaps add some of his own to the mix; from what he saw, they were not exactly the most technologically advanced.

“Excuse me, fraulein,” he says to the nurse at the front. “I vas vondering if I could be allowed to see some of your more hopeless patients. I believe I can help.”

“Well, you’re welcome to try I guess; as long as you’re approved by a doctor, you can go ahead.” she replies, taking him to an ICU. He notices a surgery going on in the opposite room, a heart transplant; Medic remembered when he had performed the Uber Heart transplant on Heavy for the first time.

“The success of that operation over there is dismal.” she says. “You think you can help?”

“I will need a small bit of metal and wires, a pressure gauge, three needle tips, and a strong, healthy heart.” says Medic, planning to make a small, makeshift Uber device similar to the one he put in Scout due to his smaller stature. “Let’s go practice medicine…”

U-Mos had woken up shortly before the mute rabbit. When it woke up, it kicked him again, reminding him about the yellow pegasus upstairs.

“We probably should check on your companion,” he says. He walks upstairs to find the pegasus still asleep. At first he thought she might not have been breathing, but bioscans revealed her to be asleep, and about to wake. U-Mos decides to stay in a crouching position to avoid scaring her, as he had done with Samus the first time they met.

“W-who are you?” she barely whimpers.

“I am U-Mos, fifth Sentinel of the Luminoth. Me and four of my friends crashed here two nights ago, and I was looking for a place to stay. I was about to knock on the door before I was stopped by the mute, but then he opened the door. I went inside and asked if someone was there, and you answered and fainted. I went into stasis on the couch, and woke up shortly ago before you did.”

“Oh you poor thing,” she says. U-Mos wasn’t expecting that out of her mouth, but he was not one to judge. “You can stay here I guess. My name is Fluttershy.”

“Thank you.” he says, but the mute rabbit kicks him again. “Again, shut up mute.”

“Who are you referring to as the ‘mute’?” she asks.

“The rabbit that does not talk.” he responds.

“Angel?” she asks. The rabbit jumps up on the bed. “Oh, he’s just my pet bunny. He sometimes gets a little argumentative.”

“I am surprised wasn’t intimidated like the rest of the animals. The rest simply walked off from the cottage after I landed. But he stood guard, similar to me when I had to defend the Great Temple.” He prepares to leave for the crystal tree to see Samus and perhaps the mercenaries. But U-Mos did like this small pony, even if she fainted at his first appearance. “Perhaps he’s more of an Archangel than a standard Angel.”

First Conflict

No pony in Ponyville was expecting the strange purple object floating into the town square, in the direction of the castle. Adam was struggling, but managed to land the ship without hurting a single pony. The hatch on top of the ship opens with a pressurized hiss, and Samus jumps out of the craft in a somersault onto the ground. As she touches the ground, the locals start to peer out a bit from their hiding positions, watching this strange creature. Some thought it was a monster; some had the truth, and others ideals. Whatever it is, it walks in a passive manner towards the crystalline tree before entering.

“I’m surprised the locals didn’t try to shoot my craft out of the sky.” she says as she enters, seeing Twilight towards the center of the room. Something, however, seems… off.

“Hello there,” ‘she’ says.

“... Wait a minute.” says Samus, activating her X-Ray visor. Instead of the bone structure of an Alicorn, she saw what appeared to be a hard exoskeleton, with holes towards the hooves, and obvious marks on the ears and horn. The wings appeared insectoid, and also seemed riddled with holes.

“You are not Twilight, much less what they refer to as a ‘pony.’”

“Wha-” the imposter says, before taking an arm cannon to the face. The disguise appears to flicker before revealing a black creature, with green wings, and obviously bared fangs.

“HOW DARE YOU MEDDLE IN OUR AFFAIRS!!!” she shouts. “EVERYTHING WAS GOING SMOOTH BEFORE YOU-” but then she became trapped in a block of ice. As this imposter had been talking, Samus simply charged her ice beam.

“I find talk cheap,” she says, scanning it and ignoring the new entry until after its carapace had shattered completely. The body falls limp to the floor, and a black crown rolls off towards a corner of the room. The entry read:

[Recorded to Logbook]

[Morphology: Changeling, Designation: Queen]

[Analysis indicates weak exoskeleton, mostly likely brought on by a previous conflict. Changelings are insectoid creatures brought about from extreme mutation from what appears to be a combination of beta ray, gamma ray, and x-ray radiation. As result from the mutation from their hive located underground near radioactive ore deposit, tumors are common amongst the runts of the species. Common traits to all changelings include an uncanny ability to transform into a perfect copy of a previously seen target, except for bone structure. All have a black carapace easily penetrated by missiles, and all can manipulate “magic” energy. Most will act like mindless animals now that they lack a commanding queen; however, they will continue to operate on their last assignment given to them by said Queen.]

[Samus, this is Adam. The engineer is outside and has equipped me with a transmitter. I saw the last bit of the fight through your visor. Go find the real “Twilight” and the ones they call “Spike” and “Apple Bloom.” Any objections, lady?]

[Yes] [No]

Samus marks the “yes” option.

[Good. From what I can assume, it was a planned ambush with hostages probably being kept upstairs. She didn’t suspect you, but any forces upstairs will from the commotion you caused. Bring them back alive, Samus.]

“Alright, here we go again…” says Samus, knowing that there was going to be problems with this. She raises her gun into the passive position and proceeds to walk up stairs. She activates her X-Ray visor, seeing that there were two guard changelings, and three holding down what she assumes is the real Twilight, Spike, and a filly. But the one holding the filly looked ready to… In the words of the Spy, “One shudders to imagine what inhumane thoughts lie behind that mask... what dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?” Samus almost dry heaves at what she thought it would do, but she had seen worse. Nothing more disturbing, but worse.

“Show’s over,” she says, cracking the door down with a single missile.

“Samus!” shouts Twilight, and Spike tries to says something but is gagged by a piece of cloth. The filly, revealed as Apple Bloom, is screaming like crazy, and her captor drops her.

“I have seen some fucked up shit in my time,” says Samus, “but you.” She points at the Changeling with her non-gunned hand. “take the cake, eat it, and then shit on what remains of it.” She fires a round of two missiles, both of which make their marks on the guard Changelings.

“Shoot, and the other two die!” shouts the one gripping Spike.

“...”

“I couldn’t hear ya,” he says.

“How about ‘no.’”

She launches a Super missile in between the one that talked and the one gripping Twilight. She then grabs the one that had once had a grip on Apple Bloom.

once have I witnessed something as disturbing as a cross-species pedophile. You, are on a whole new level of scum. You’re below Ridley, who killed my parents before my own f*cking eyes. That has genuinely disturbed me. And that takes a LOT!” She fires a charged Annihilator beam combo, the Sonic Boom. The Changeling screams in agony before being torn apart to pieces.

“Are you three alright?” She says, gripping a limp changeling head.

The two ponies and the small dragon were speechless.

“Well?”

“Y-Yes.” says Twilight.

“What about you,” she says, exiting her Power Suit and pointing towards the filly.

“Ah-Ah’m okay.” she says.

“Did that bastard do anything to you?” she asks with a dead serious look in her eyes.

“No. Ya got here just in time,” she says.

“Thank god.” says Samus, starting to walk out the door of the room.

Samus, walking down the stairs, sees the two sole remnants of the Queen she had fought; a somewhat unharmed head, still coated in a bit of ice, and a small black crown. She picks up the head and places the crown on it. The two ponies and dragon are shocked at the vulgar sight, but Twilight notices something.

“That’s not Chrysalis.”

“Who?” asks Samus.

“The Changeling Queen. This one’s younger, and doesn’t have the same features…”

“Great, another species I have to lead to extinction.” says Samus. “But hey, I finally got my first intact enemy head.” Bounty hunters had a code, that if what they were sent to kill had a head, and when it died the head was still intact, the head would be sent in a box to their employer, along with any details of the situation. “Do you have a box, paper, a pen, and a ‘fragile’ label?”

“Why would you need that?” asks Twilight.

“Because I have to send this,” she says holding up her enemy’s head. “To my employer.”

“Why would you do that?!?!” asks Twilight and Spike, as during this moment Twilight had been removing the cloth from around his mouth.

“Because of an old rule I never got to follow as a bounty hunter, either because my foe lacked a head, or because the only safe way to deal with it was to blast its head off. So do you have any of those things I mentioned?”

“I’ll go check the basement.” says Spike, still in a bit of shock.

“Tha-thank you, Miss Aran.” says the little filly.

“It was not a problem.” she replies.

Earlier, in the morning at Sweet Apple Acres…

Engineer, Applejack, and Apple Bloom  were walking towards what was the Apple family home. However, something barely audible rustled in the trees.

“Did y’all hear that?” asks Engineer.

“What?” asks Applejack.

“Gimme a minute,” he says, pressing a button on his goggles. U-Mos had helped Engineer install a small visor system in his welding goggles, giving him an Echo Visor, a Thermal Visor, and an X-Ray visor. He activated the X-Ray visor and noticed a strange pony shape in the tree. But it looked malformed and similar to an arthropod. He wastes no time and shoots his shotgun into the tree’s leaves. A cry can be heard within, prompting Engineer to shoot a second shot into the foliage. A black pony-like creature falls out of the tree with a thud.

“What in tarnation???” asks Applejack. seeing the Changeling on the ground.

“X-Ray Visor, I can- Uh!” he sees that the pony he thought was Applejack was also a changeling.

“I’m out of here!” the creature hissed as it undid its disguise. It magically grabs Apple Bloom and gallops away from the Texan.

“DANG DAG NABBIT!!!” he shouts, trying to shoot it with his shotgun. But it had gotten too far away for it to be of any use. “The one friend I had made here just got kidnapped!”

He knew he couldn’t keep up with the thing; he saw it flying in the distance towards the town. He did the only two things he could think of; he took a Pomson 6000 out of his SpyTech bag and shot up in the air three times, even though the sun was high up and obviously blocked the signal he was making to his comrades. Sniper would make a similar signal by firing three arrows in the air, and Medic three crossbow bolts, but neither came. The only other thing he could think of was to go to the nearby house and warn the ponies inside.

“I need some doggone help!” he shouts, as practically breaks the door down. Behind the door was the real Applejack, staring at the creature.

“Miss, we don’t have much time, and your sister just got kidnapped! There’s no time to explain!” he says. He practically grabs her by the neck and drags her outside.

“Who the hay are you two?” she asks.

“As I already said Miss, I ‘ave no time to- wait, two?” he asks.

“Right behind you, Laborer.”

Behind Engineer is a man in a reddish-brown suit, with a red balaclava and matching fedora. He was wearing a fanciful pair of loafers and his suit was marked with epaulettes and a fanciful tie.

“SPY!!!” he shouts at the top of his lungs, giving his comrade a tight hug. It had been over fifty years since the two had last seen each other; and the two, despite what many would believe, were the best of friends.

“Easy now, you might get blood on my suit,” he says. obviously being half-choked to death.

“Where have you been this entire time?” he asked.

“Simple: I was doing what I do best, hiding. I was followed the three of you to Aether, and jumped aboard Samus’ ship. I hid in the woods when we go here, surviving off nothing but apples and my tiny teeth dinners.” Engineer forgot about how Spy had all his teeth replace with tiny storage containers made from titanium. “Also there are two home distillation systems and an unconscious RED Demoman on her ship locked inside the largest steel box you guys brought here. Still confused on why a third of the boxes contained musical instruments.”

“Demo’s here too???”

“He was on Aether to try out brew made from native fruits and Sap Sacs. I simply gagged him while he was drunk.”

“Umm, sorry to interrupt yer reunions,” says Applejack, “But didn’t you say something about mah sister?”

“She’s been kidnapped by some weird-ass black creature, also Ah’m Engie, he’s Spy, and we need to get moving!” he exclaims. The three run towards the town, and watch as the Changeling flies into the crystal tree, and watch as Samus’ ship lands in front of it. Engineer knew his domain when it came to this kind of thing; Samus generally worked alone. As a result, he knew the best thing for him to do was adjust that ship of hers so he could contact her without disturbing her mission.

“Yer sister’s now in good hands.” he says.

“Whaddya mean?” she asks indignantly.

“I mean the Hunter’s in there. She will beat the living bejezus out of that thing.”

“Wha-” she says, before Spy cuts her off.

“Just let her do her job. I shall sneak in and make sure everything is fine.” He activates his cloaking watch and walks in behind Samus.

The Box, The Parcels, and The Contract

Twenty minutes had passed since the Hunter had entered the building. Engineer and Applejack were both starting to get nervous, but then they see the front door open by itself, and less than two minutes later the Frenchman is standing in front of them.

“Everything is fine.” Spy says. “Three individuals were kidnapped by a force of roughly seven. One of the members of the force was a queen, and she fell easier than them because of previous wounds. The two other individuals kidnapped besides Apple Bloom were the small dragon and Twilight. I thought I would have to step into the fray when the fought the direct kidnappers, but she handled them flawlessly.”

“Thank y’all,” says the orange mare.

“We were hired to defend this place, and we’ll keep to it.”  says Engineer.

“Wait, we got a contract?” asks Spy.

“No, it was a verbal agreement and a payment.”

“Mon dieu, the demoman and I were not involved. I shall write a contract, since I know the rest of you don’t think of these things.” he jests. To anyone else, it sounded like a bit of a harsh verberation; to Engie and Spy it was a friendly nudge.

Someone yelling “Ack!” can be heard within the ship.

“And that should be the Demoman. Excellent.” says Spy. “We can now make the contract proper.”

It was late afternoon in Canterlot, and Celestia was having tea. The day had been peaceful, when an obviously new guard rushes in carrying a decent-sized box and a few letters.

“Your highness,” he says. “There has been a small expeditionary force of Changelings in Ponyville!”

Celestia practically spits out her tea. “What on earth???”

“Princess Twilight, her assistant, and a young filly were all kidnapped by the force, but saved by the Hunter and Mercenaries you hired. They sent these parcels with Twilight’s seal on them.”

“Alright, leave me with the parcels.”

“Yes, your Highness.”

She examines the box, a somewhat ornate wooden construct, but judging from the “Warning” label on it she decides to open it last at her better judgement. She opens the first letter, written in standard print and from the Hunter.

To the Employer of My Services, Celestia:

I have run into what seems to be another race of hostile creatures I am going to have to lead to extinction. To my knowledge they are called “Changelings,” and they seem to be one of the vilest and terrible races of creatures I have run into on my travels. The filly they kidnapped is fine, but if I hadn’t been there, their list of charges would have included “rape” and “pedophilia.”

Celestia actually vomits into a nearby bucket at the mere thought of that, a Changeling screwing a filly.

Their leader was a young queen, but it is not the same queen apparently you and Twilight dealt with in the past, most likely this one is her daughter. I recommend fortifying your capital and cities to the north in case of invasion. These letters hopefully shall keep you updated as missions go by. Apparently there are two more who hitched a ride on board my ship besides the five you have met, this includes a Frenchman who refers to himself as Spy, and a black Scotsman named Tavish Degroot who calls himself Demoman. Spy decided that he and the four other mercenaries should make a formal contract with you. Hence, the third envelope contains the contract they devised. I did not sign, nor did U-Mos, as we are both protectors and are okay with the verbal contract you gave us. They are mercenaries, and are used to monetary compensation in exchange for their services. The two new mercenaries also wish to meet with you and your sister at some point, it seems, because they never got a chance to make a formal introduction. I also would like to know of any other previous conflicts with races or leaders such as the Changelings, as I need all the information I can get to be prepared for conflicts.

My Regards,

Samus Aran, Bounty Hunter.

Celestia stares in disgust and awe at the last portion of the paper, however:

Postscript: The box contains the head of the Changeling leader. It is an old bounty hunter practice I never was capable of using, as either my paid for foe lacked a head, or I destroyed said head. This one is intact.

“Well, at least she’s polite and efficient.” mutters Celestia to herself, opening the second letter that is written in fanciful cursive.

Bonjour, Mademoiselle Celestia

I am the Spy. From the world where each of us mercenaries hail from, war was a constant. We had to constantly fight clones of ourselves, the only difference is that the clones wore blue clothes instead of red. We trained against these clones, and death was not permanent for either side because of the respawner. Eventually, we managed to destroy their respawner. But we were hired again to fight foul robots for over twelve years for a weapons magnate CEO, Saxton Hale, who would have been killed by these robots if it were not for us. We saved his life, and he gave us enough payment to enjoy the rest of our lives in peace. Sadly, we could not because of disruptions from more groups. We eventually went out own separate ways until we met each other on a planet called Aether. We then landed here, and here we are now. Your whole nation is guaranteed safety simply from us five if you sign the contract in the third envelope. However, we are allowing you to decide the regular salary, as we do not know your nation’s currency in terms of our own. Hence, when you sign, there will be three blanks in the contract you need to fill; how much we are paid in a week, month, and course of a year, respectively. To my understanding, the currency here is in bits, so we have already labeled bits, so just the number over time is required.

Thank you for your hospitality,

The RED Spy

She decides to open the box last, and opens the formally printed contract:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

This contract is a deal between the mercenaries of Reliable Excavation and Demolition, a private company owned by its mercenaries. In exchange for ________ bits a week, _________ bits a month, and ___________ bits a year, your (please select any of the following that apply):

_ Business

_ Nation

_ Person

_ City

_ Assets

_ Valuables

_ Enemies

_ Aggravating Parties (Includes attacking nations and competing businesses)

shall be protected (or destroyed if last two options are checked) no matter the cost. Any damages done by the Mercenaries/Aggravating forces to your (previously selected options excluding Person, Enemies, and Aggravating Parties) cannot be penalized in payment to said Mercenaries, and as a result said Mercenaries are not legally liable for damages caused in defense/offense. If your Person is harmed, you shall be healed and guaranteed to live by our Medic. Other than monetary compensation, we require these from you:

Unlimited access to infirmaries in your access.

Access to armories as we see fit.

Provisions, Rations, and Sustenance.

Technology in your grasp.

Any hats/clothing you can provide.

Celestia laughs again at their last requirement before resuming reading.

Any other necessities we shall either ask you, the employer, for directly or procure ourselves. Sign on the dotted line to seal this agreement.Thank you for your patronage,

~Reliable Excavation and Demolition, Unltd.

X_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Spy, Saboteur Expert and Assassin

Tavish Finnegan Degroot, Demolition Man and Brewer

Dell Conagher, Engineer and Technology Expert

Medic, Physician and Experimenter

Mr. Mundy, Trained Sniper and Assassin

She fills in the values, and ponders for a moment. What am I getting into? she ponders. They can’t be any trouble, they’ve already saved lives, even a princess! She signs on the dotted line, and sets the document aside. She gulps, and prepares to open the lid when she receives a letter from Twilight. Thank goodness a distraction from the box! she thinks. The letter reads:

Dear Princess Celestia,

All these new ponies seem off somehow. They are all battle hardened, a few of them seem crazy, and one is, more often than not, drunk on a “homebrew” as he calls it. But I am still glad they are here, as without them things with the Changelings could have ended a lot worse. The Spy seems to be more educated and respectable in manners than the other ones, and the Demoman seems to be almost a brute. He does know large amounts of information about his weapons and brews, but other than that not much. The Spy also seems to know how to react to almost any situation, as if he were the groups leader. It is obvious they do not, however, as each goes their own separate ways. The two new ones also found room and board already, After an interesting “flight” contest, the Demoman is staying with Rainbow Dash, and Rarity found an extra bed so Spy could stay in her guest room with Sniper.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle

After reading the final letter, Celestia decides to open the box. She creaks open the lid to see the head in a flat, upright position. It was almost staring at her, but with its eyes rolled inside its head. She closes the lid and warps it to her room, in her closet. Shouldn’t throw away a gift, even though it’s a vile one.

A Suit and a Tie

A Tie and a Suit

“Hey Twi, I heard there were new creatures in town!” hollers Rainbow Dash as she barges into her friend’s home. Inside, she sees the group of seven, along with Twilight, Spike, and Applejack. Twilight, the Hunter, and the Spy were writing.

“Ay, shush lass!” says the Demoman. “We’re writing our contract to the bloody Princess.”

“Twi, who are these ponies?” asks Rainbow.

“Well,” says Twilight. “These are new defenders of Ponyville. The five making the contract are mercenaries, and the one directly writing the letter is Samus, a bounty hunter. The stranger one is U-Mos, a sentinel of his people.”

“Not certain if I like that mercenary…” says Rainbow, in reference to Demoman.

“I ensure you, if I wanted ye dead, they would have to bury what’s left of ya in a soup-can!” he intrudes, a bit angry at the cyan horse.

“You think you’re better than me?” she asks.

“I think I could outpace ye with me eye closed and me chest cut open!” He takes out his Sticky Jumper and prepares for a race. He and Soldier used to race like this all the time in the Badlands, the only difference was Soldier using the Rocket Jumper.

“Ha! I’m the fastest flyer in Ponyville! Plus, you don’t even have wings!”

Engineer overheard this and knew where this was going. “Demo, go on. Just go easy on her.”

“Lass, I might not be able te fly,” he taunts. “But I can jump-n-glide with me parachute and bombs pretty damn far.”

The ponies in room, Samus, and U-Mos all gasped. The prospect of bombs for propulsion sounded suicidal.

“Don’t worry, they don’t hurt me none. They aren’t filled with anything harmful enough to hurt a fly, just send that fly so high it’ll suffocate on ozone.”

“I like your moxie,” she says. “Let’s go!” She darts out the door, the Demoman running behind her.

“WELCOME MARES AND GENTLECOLTS!!!” shouts Pinkie Pie to a small crowd. Demo was going to fire a few practice stickie rounds, but when he tried to fire she came out of the launcher. He assumed it was bloody pony magic, but then he saw the confused face on the flyer. After they briefed her, she ran off, and less than five minutes later a crowd had gathered at their intended starting point near the Everfree forest.

“COMPETITOR ONE NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION, RAINBOW DASH!!!” The crowd cheers a good bit, but is confused by, well, the weird challenger.

“AND NOW, COMPETITOR TWO, THE SCOTTISH CYCLOPS, THE KNIGHT OF ULLAPOOL-”

How’d she know where I was from? Demoman thinks.

“TAVISH DEGROOT, AKA DEMOMAN!!!”

He waves to the crowd, and a little applause is there. Not much for the Scotsman.

“THE RACE WILL BE FROM THIS STARTING LINE,” She gestures to a line made in the dirt in front of the competitors. “TO THE CENTER OF THE TOWN.”

“ON YOUR MARK…” she yells.

“Wish ya luck, you’re gonna need it.” says the pegasus.

“GET SET…”

Demoman lays down two sticky bombs.  “You’re gonna need it.”

“GO!!!”

Demo instantly launches himself with the stickies faster than the eye can track. It was a perfect sticky-jump, with a far leaps, at least 300 yards, and leaves Dash in the dust. However, he takes a second to prepare another sprint, allowing her to catch up a bit. However, towards the finish line there was a sound similar to one of the Demo’s bomb going off, only much louder. Demo was in the lead, so he didn’t worry, one more stickyjump…

And then Rainbow passed him.

“OCH!!” says the Demo, obviously worried. He jumps once more, and…

The duo cross the line at the same time.

“That wasn’t supposed ta happen!” says the Scotsman.

“Eh, you win some you lose some right?” says Rainbow.

“I guess ya right, lass. I just got a wee bit confused by that.”

“Yeah,  I’m shocked those bombs made ya almost as fast as me.”

“Well I need ask ya somethin’. I got a small problem see.”

“What is it?”

“Well I kinda don’t have a place to stay yet.”

“You can stay with me in Cloudsdale! We just need to get a spell to let you walk on the clouds.”

“Great! Now I got a place ta stay. But it’s about time I get back to the contract tho.” He sets up his bombs, and jumps in the direction of the castle.

Spy was finishing up the contract, and each of the mercenaries were ready to sign. It had been half an hour since Samus had finished her letter, but Spy wanted to write his own letter to go along the contract. The five mercenaries sign the contract, and Spy prepares to leave for God knows where.

“Mademoiselle Twilight,” says Spy. “I was wondering if you knew where we could possibly obtain clothing. My suit hasn’t exactly faired well in the woods.” He gestures to a few holes in the sleeves of his suit.

“Actually Spy,” says Sniper. “I found a miss a while back who promised she’d mend my hat,” He points to his hatless head. “Perhaps she’d make you a new suit. You even seem like her type a bit…” He laughs, and the other three mercenaries knew to stifle their laughter.

“Monsieur Mundy.” says Spy, staring him dead in the eyes. “Shut. The fuck. Up.”

“Eh, I’m sorry mate. Thought you’d like the piss!” He throws a jar of Jarate at him.

“I HATE YOU.” He shouts, and runs up and shoots Mundy with his Ambassador before backstabbing the Australian.

“Why’d you do that?” asks Twilight, shocked again by the outburst of violence.

“If you knew what was in that jar, you would have done the same thing.”

“What was in it?”

“The bushman’s piss. Now I definitely need a new suit…” He runs off, leaving a speechless Twilight behind, towards where he saw a river by the woods, and washes the crap out of his clothes. He makes sure no one is around for his balaclava, as his face is the one thing he didn’t want seen, so he could not be recognized. But as he was washing the balaclava, the waters in the river begin to rumble violently. The waters almost parted, and out from the water rose a purple sea serpent… with flamboyant hair and an equally flamboyant mustache.

“Ahh!” screams the man, grabbing his revolver and shooting the beast.

“Hey! That tickles, but you damaged one of my fine scales with that thing.” The serpent plucks out a single, dented scale.

“What the hell are you!??!” says the astonished man.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I get reactions a lot from first timers. I’m Steven Magnet, a river serpent. And you are?”

“Call me Spy,” he says, placing back on his balaclava after seeing the creature was not trying to eat him. “I was about to look for a place where I could purchase a new suit.”

“Of course, your current suit is hideous with all those holes in it. It also had a smell while you were washing it…”

“I would rather not talk about that.”

“Okay then, I know a place where you can get a new suit though. It’s the Carousel Boutique in the center of town. Just let me grab my water cart down here…” The serpent dives into the river, and pulls out a crank powered cart with water in the basin.

“So, may I ask how you can breathe air and speak if you confined to the water?” asks the confused Spy.

“I breathe fine out of water, it’s just the delicate male anatomy that needs constant exposure. Wouldn’t want to lose that, now would I?”

Spy remembers the point where the blue Scout killed him one of the worse ways for a man to die, and of course sympathizes while the walk towards the town.

“I know what you mean…”

“Oh…” says the serpent.

“I almost lost them. Came real close. Damn Scout…”

“Let’s get back to getting that suit for you, I’m certain you’ll look fabulous in it!” They walk up to the Carousel Boutique. “However, I can’t really go in, I don’t quite fit. Tell the unicorn running the shop that I sent you.”

“Okay, I can manage from here.” He walks in the store, seeing a white unicorn with a flawless purple mane.

“Hello, welcome to the Carousel-” She stops mid sentence when she realizes it’s another one of the creatures from before, except this one was different from the others.

“Bonjour?” Qui êtes-vous, mademoiselle?” He noticed the difference in class of the location, and hoped perhaps someone spoke his native tongue.

“I am Rarity, and you are?” she asks, understanding him perfectly.

“I am simply known as Spy. I am afraid I am in need of a new suit, and this shop was recommended to me by the serpent Steven.”

“Ah, he is a good friend of mine-” She gasps when she notices the ragged suit the Spy was wearing. “Please, allow me to make you a new suit free of charge, your current suit definitely needs a fix.”

“Excellent. Also, I was wondering if you knew of a place I could stay.”

“You can stay here, if you’d like.” She says, but then the two hear raucous laughter outside. Spy runs out and see Sniper paying the Engineer twenty bits.

“What the hell are you two doing here?”

“Spy, that’s the mare I was telling you about, you bloody bloke!” cackles Mr. Mundy.

“Also, why did I see you pay Engineer?”

“I bet you would go upstairs with things, and Engie said you’d catch on way before that happened. He won, obviously.”

“If I weren’t bored with killing, I would kill you in a very creative way Mr. Mundy. Involving your posterior, my gun, and my knife. Now, I do not know about you, but I need a drink after this. Let us hit the town and find a bar. Or at least raid the stash I know Demo has set up at Mademoiselle Rainbow’s house.”