Liaisons

by DannyJ

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 2599

Relations are not good between the Royal Guard and the Equestrian Intelligence Service. In fact, they're pretty terrible. But of course, THIS meeting is sure to go splendidly.

Relations are not good between the Royal Guard and the Equestrian Intelligence Service. In fact, they're pretty terrible. But of course, this meeting is sure to go splendidly.

Round two entry for the OC Slamjam competition.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-03 06:10:01 UTC

Let Somepony Else Do It

It was unusual to see the Captain's office in a state of disarray, but when Wind Whistler poked his head in through the door, the place looked like it had been hit by a hurricane. Stacks of papers were randomly strewn about on the floor, furniture had been moved to irregular locations, and behind his desk, Shining Armor was digging his way through another load of forms. Wind Whistler's usual grin started to slip from his face upon noticing the chaos, but he nevertheless knocked on the door, waited for Shining's reply of "Enter," and proceeded inside.

"First Lieutenant Wind Whistler, reporting as ordered, sir," said Whistler, warily eyeing all the tripping hazards on the floor as he stepped over them.

Upon noticing who it was that he'd called inside, Shining broke into a smile.

"At ease," he said.

"You wanted to speak with me, sir?"

"Yes I did. Come over."

The smile was reassuring, and so Whistler did as he was told, navigating the debris until he stood behind the desk as well. Shining remained sat on the floor, poring over what appeared to be troop reassignment forms.

"We have a problem," said Shining, not looking up from his papers.

"Don't we always?"

"This is an actual problem. Cadance was made the new ruler of the Crystal Empire, so she's taking permanent residency there, and I have to go with her. While I'm officially retaining my post as Captain of the Royal Guard for now, I've been told that I need to choose a replacement really, really soon. Ideally, an outgoing captain would've already groomed a successor for the job, but I haven't been in this position for that long myself, so I haven't had the chance. And that means that I need to pick an acting captain right this very moment to begin intensive training for when they actually take my job."

Wind Whistler's eyes widened.

"Okay," he said, trying to keep an even tone.

"You've always been my number one guy, Whistler, and you probably would've been my pick for executive officer anyway." Shining put down his papers and looked Wind Whistler in the eye. "I've thought it over, and there's nopony I trust more. Do you want the job?"

"Well... Uh..." Wind Whistler couldn't help but trip over his words. "I-I don't know. I mean... wouldn't that bring extra responsibilities with it?"

"Yes. But nothing you couldn't handle."

Whistler rubbed the back of his neck with a hoof.

"I'm still not sure... I'd really have to think it over. I'm not so good with handling responsibility in the first place, and all the extra duties on top of that..."

Shining gave Whistler a flat look. Standing up, he stepped over a stack of paper until he was face to face with his subordinate.

"Please don't let your laziness screw you out of another opportunity, Whistler," he said, a note of annoyance entering his voice. "I know you could do this job if you tried. You managed to get this far, in spite of yourself. You're already my second, aren't you? And honestly, if anything, my job is even easier than yours. A surprising amount of it is just delegation. Seriously."

Whistler bit his lip and looked around the office.

"Whistler, seriously, I need an answer in the next five minutes or I'll have to give it to Chain Mail."

"Then yes!" Whistler blurted. "I'll do it! I'll take the job!"

Shining grinned.

"Great!" He trotted around the desk and hauled another stack of papers off the floor, which he then began sifting through midair. "Now for the problem."

Whistler's already very light blue face paled even further.

"...That wasn't the problem?"

"No. The problem is that I have to spend today getting my affairs in order. And that leaves me no time to meet with the EIS contact."

"EIS. That's the... Equestrian Intell—"

"Equestrian Intelligence Service, yes. And since this is going to be your first time meeting them as acting Captain of the Royal Guard, let me explain the basics."

Shining tossed the papers onto the desk and began rummaging through a loose drawer on the floor beside him, again focusing on his task rather than looking at Wind Whistler.

"First of all, we hate them. They demand transparency from us, show none on their end, and above all, they're arrogant and spiteful. Think every bully you've ever met, but with royal authority and a suit."

Whistler's expression hardened into a frown just picturing them.

"Second of all, they're gonna do everything they can to intimidate you. You can expect that they'll have sent a real creep as their liaison. The guy I met last year was called Exuding Malevolence, and I wish I was making that up. They'll only use agent designations at first, but don't be fooled. You do have the right to demand their actual names. They like to pretend that lots of stuff is classified and above your paygrade, but the truth is, they just don't like telling us things."

"Why not?"

"Because they don't like us. They're mad because we're just as secretive and closed off from the rest of the Platoons as they are, so they can't get information from us without direct liaisons or going through Celestia. It's an ego thing; they think only they should have that privilege. After introductions, they'll usually begin by asking really ominous questions. Stuff like, 'Who would you say are your ten most expendable officers?' or 'How many guards have you lost to unexplained poisonings in the last three months?' If you ask them to explain themselves, they'll mostly refuse. So here's what you do."

Shining pulled some kind of notepad from the drawer and smiled at it. He put it in the pocket of his armour and turned back to Whistler.

"Refuse to tell them what they want," he said, his smile becoming a touch mischievous. "One of two things will happen. Either they'll get over their pride and explain themselves, or they'll cry to Celestia for a royal executive order demanding our compliance, and then Celestia will tell us what's going on after they're out of manes. Either way, inconvenience them as much as possible. Never be honest if you don't have to be. Lie to them about everything. They ask you where the bathroom is, you tell them we don't have one. Got it?"

Whistler blinked.

"Are... Are you being serious right now?"

"A little bit." Shining stood up and stumbled across the room until he reached yet another stack, and then began sorting through the newest papers. "Really, the important thing is to make sure they don't leave us in the dark again. If they're doing something shady, and the ponies I'm responsible for are involved somehow, I want to know. But petty revenge for their years of equally petty behaviour is nice."

"Hmm." Wind Whistler shrugged with his wings. "Alright. I'll do it then. When am I meeting them?"

"Four o'clock in the east building interrogation room, but it's really your call where to meet. I always just chose that room because it's the coldest."

Wind Whistler tried not to be surprised by that.

"Uh-huh. Don't worry, Captain. I got it covered."

The guards either side of the door saluted Wind Whistler as he approached. He returned a half-hearted nod, and stopped as his hoof rested on the handle. He didn't know what kind of pony to expect on the other side. All the sergeant had told him was that a mare had arrived. That meant it probably wasn't the same agent that Shining had mentioned, but that didn't necessarily mean that they'd be any better. Then again, he doubted that the EIS could do any worse than an agent named Exuding Malevolence, so the odds were in his favour.

Closing his eyes and taking one last breath, like a deep-sea diver about to go under, Whistler pushed forward before he could convince himself to turn around and go do something else.

He entered the interrogation room, and was startled by how the agent immediately stood out against the featureless white walls and floor. Her vibrant red mane immediately drew the eye, which then noticed her black suit and tie, her square reading glasses, and her brownish red coat. She seemed just as startled by Whistler's sudden entrance, looking up suddenly from some kind of folder, which she immediately snapped shut and lay down on the simple wooden table that separated them.

"Oh, hello," she said, still staring at him with widened eyes. "Sorry. Didn't expect you so soon."

She pushed the folder to the side and held out a hoof, attempting a weak smile.

"Agent Redwood. I'm your EIS liaison."

In some distant corner of his mind, Wind Whistler wondered what he had been afraid of. With a smile of his own, though a much more natural one than hers, he closed the door behind him and strolled over to the table.

"I figured." He sat down opposite the agent and shook her hoof. "First Lieutenant Wind Whistler. Or, Captain Wind Whistler now, I suppose. It's all rather short notice."

"Heh, same." Redwood seemed to become less tense, as she pulled the file back over and opened it again. "Alright... Um... I've been instructed to request information on the Royal Guard's status as of the Changeling Incident... specifically as it pertains to... hold on..."

Redwood turned several pages in the folder and scanned back and forth with her eyes.

"...As it pertains to... 'casualties endured, ponies injured or captured, intelligence compromised, prisoners taken, and enemy intelligence recovered.'"

"Okay..." Whistler raised an eyebrow. "May I ask why the EIS needs this information?"

"Just a general damage report," Redwood said, off-handedly. "Communications are still in disarray, so we've been making similar inquiries to other military branches all week. Or, well, I have. I'm kind of the only agent on the job right now."

Whistler frowned. "And why's that?"

"Staff shortage. Our HQ's in a terrible state. The changelings infiltrated us, and we lost half our number. The guy who would normally be meeting you is still missing, his next three replacements are also all missing, and the next in line is my boss, who just got promoted and is now running half the agency. I was a last resort for this job. I'm technically not even qualified for it yet."

He cocked his head.

"You're surprisingly forthcoming about all this. I was told before coming in here that the EIS is historically very guarded and rarely shares information."

Redwood stifled a laugh.

"Yeah, well... I figured, maybe if my side was nice for once, yours might be too."

With a sly smile, Whistler leaned in.

"Between you and me," he whispered, "the Captain told me to lie to and inconvenience you as much possible. Petty revenge for your agency's attitude."

This time, Redwood couldn't hold back the laugh. She removed her glasses and put them down on the table.

"Between you and me," she said, "I was told to do the exact same thing, because the Royal Guard never cooperates."

She laughed again, and Whistler laughed with her. It did not last for long, but once it was over, all the previous tension in the air had evaporated. Whistler relaxed his posture, no longer sitting so stiffly.

"We are so unprofessional," said Redwood, leaning her face on a hoof.

"We're unprofessional? Captain Armor and your C.O. are the ones going out of their way to be childish. Just think of how much time our divisions must've wasted on antagonising each other, when we're both part of the same government!"

"I know, right? It's kinda sad, really."

The two of them became quiet. While Redwood was left looking at the table, Whistler glanced over to her folder.

"Can I see what it is you need to know, exactly? Maybe I can help you out."

Redwood casually turned the folder around and slid it across the desk. Whistler stopped it with a hoof and skimmed the page it was opened on.

"Compromised officers..." he muttered. "Enemy contraband... requisitioning... Huh. Alright."

After a minute and a half, Whistler finished up with the folder, closed it, and slid it back over.

"There were no pony casualties or severe injuries that I'm aware of, and we didn't take any prisoners, but I can have the boys bring up our records on the rest of the stuff you need. As for the other thing... I'm sorry to report that we've already cremated all the changeling remains, and I'm more than a little concerned that your science team wants them in the first place."

"You and me both," said Redwood. "But thank you! Records would be most helpful."

With a nod, Whistler stood up and headed back for the door. Before heading outside, he paused, and turned around to look at Redwood again.

"Out of curiosity, is it true that you had a pony called Agent Exuding Malevolence working this job before you?"

Redwood smiled. "It's Director Malevolence now. And before you ask, yes, he is exactly like a comic-book supervillain."

There was no response he could give to that, so Wind Whistler just sighed, shrugged, and stepped out into the corridor, past the other two guards.

It was over an hour later when Redwood finally packed the last of the Royal Guard's records back into their boxes, so that they could be taken back to the archive later. She sat up from the desk that she hadn't moved from in her entire visit, and trotted over to the exit with her folder clenched against her body by her wing. Wind Whistler hadn't even known she was a pegasus until she stood up, nor had he noticed the leg brace. He held open the door for her as she walked out, and then followed after her down the corridor.

"Well, thank you very much for your cooperation, Captain Whistler," said Redwood. "I think this is the fullest report an EIS liaison officer has ever brought back. You might just be what finally gets me into my CO's good graces."

"Feathers crossed. Though it's probably still just First Lieutenant Whistler for a while."

"Never say never. You seem like you'd make a good captain."

"Well, you know. Anything to improve interservice relations."

Redwood grinned.

"Say, here's a proposal, captain. Do you want to go out somewhere this Friday?"

Whistler raised an eyebrow.

"Isn't that a little unprofessional, given our jobs?"

"Why? Weren't we already having liaisons?"

He stopped in his tracks. Redwood did too. She looked back at him, and her grin widened. He stared at her incredulously, and then began shaking his head.

"You were building up to that pun, weren't you?"

Redwood laughed.

"For over an hour, you've been waiting just to make that pun!"

"Hah! Guilty as charged!"

"You're terrible! This is why everypony hates the EIS!"

"I'm not hearing a no!" said Redwood in a singsong voice.

Whistler sighed and covered his face with a wing. He continued shaking his head for a second, before uncovering and rolling his eyes.

"Ah, fine, you got me. I relent. Friday it is."

The two resumed walking, and before long reached the building's exit. Whistler and Redwood emerged onto the grounds of Canterlot Castle, now bathed orange in the glow of the evening sun. In that gentle light, they both couldn't help but smile.

"So, do you wanna choose a place, or should I?" asked Redwood.

"As it happens, I know a place that does excellent pies..."