The Trixiening

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Trixie, Spike, Comedy
Length: 7114

Twilight Sparkle and her friends return to Ponyville to discover that everything is slowly becoming Trixie.

Twilight Sparkle and her friends return to Ponyville after a friendship adventure, but something seems to be a bit off about everypony. It all happens slowly at first, then explodes in great and powerful waves. Soon, Twilight's courage and sanity will be put to the test in a brave new world where everything becomes Trixie.

Cover Art Courtesy of Swan Song

Published 2015-11-23 15:00:10 UTC
Last updated 2015-12-06 04:37:54 UTC

Slices On a Train

Six colorful marefriends sat on a southbound train. Early morning light flickered between blurring mountains and fields outside the windows. Meanwhile, dim lanterns dangled across the ceiling, swaying with the jerks of the coach as the locomotive carried the ponies swiftly homeward.

Rainbow Dash yawned, squatting on her cushioned bench with near-feline ease. She blinked blearily into the dull light of the coach. Her fuzzy blue ears fluttered from the muffled hush of windy pockets of air rippling across the train's outer walls. The pegasus rubbed her muzzle, then rubbed it again. She scrunched and unscrunched her nose, exhaling a lethargic breath. At last, after much fidgeting, she looked over her shoulder.

Applejack sat in the rear of the coach, sandwiched between two piles of thick, bulging saddlebags. The mare had her hat tipped over her freckled face and she was snoring away in tune to the train's rattles.

Jaw clenched, Rainbow Dash looked a bit to the left.

Pinkie Pie pressed herself up against the rear door of the coach, wagging her tail like a dog as she gazed and gazed in anticipation of the refreshments cart rolling up the line.

Rainbow blinked. She pivoted and looked to her right, staring across the aisle.

Rarity sat on the outer edge of the bench, humming to herself as she daintily filed away at a pale hoof. The fashionista paused every now and then to observe her delicately improving hooficure. To the unicorn's immediate right, Fluttershy sat, staring peacefully out the window with darting eyes. The pegasus' lips moved as she counted each type of fowl and fauna that the train whizzed past in its journey.

Gulping, Rainbow looked straight forward. Then, after a few bumpy seconds, she stole a glance at the pony princess sitting left of her.

Twilight Sparkle hovered a book right in front of her nose. The alicorn blinked, licked her lips, then swiftly turned to the next page. Her purple eyes lit up with a tinge of fresh excitement upon being graced with a sheet full of brand new words.

Rainbow Dash exhaled. She leaned forward in her seat... then leaned back. Her wings twitched, and she clenched her teeth in antsy frustration. She swung a look over her shoulder again.

Pinkie squirmed and bounced in place, her eyes still searching the next few coaches for any sign of the refreshment cart. Her tongue hung out as she panted and panted.

Stifling a grumbling breath, Rainbow looked to her right once more.

Rarity continued filing at her hoof. In slightly belated fashion, her eyes darted back towards Rainbow Dash. Her lids fluttered inquisitively.

Rainbow blinked back. Ears folded, she sat still in her seat and faced forward.

Rarity glanced at Fluttershy. The two mares shared a look... then shrugged it off, continuing with their monotonous, silent inaction.

All the while, Applejack's snores echoed across the walls of the coach. A rustling sound signaled that Twilight was turning a new page... and then another.

At last, Rainbow Dash clenched her eyes shut. She gnashed her teeth, flexed her wings, then relaxed with a breathy groan. Shifting in her seat, the pegasus pivoted towards Twilight and cleared her throat.

"Hey," she murmured, her raspy words like gunshots against the interminable silence. "Pardon me for asking, but... aren't we doing this an awful lot?"

"Hmmm?" Twilight flipped another page, her studious eyes scanning down the paragraphs. "Doing what a lot?"

"This!" Rainbow's voice cracked. "What we're doing right now!"

"You mean..." Twilight's eyes finally popped off the page, narrowing on Rainbow. "...riding on a train?"

"Yeah!" Rainbow exhaled, brow furrowed. "Haven't you noticed that—like—we ride on trains a lot?"

"Well, we did just finish having a friendship adventure with the crystal fusion hominids of the norther—"

"And I'm not just talking about adventures! But... like..." Rainbow shrugged, stammering. "...for when we have errands to run. Or when we gotta spontaneously book it to Dodge's Junction... or Yakyakistan. Or... y'know..." She gestured over her shoulder at the source of the flagrant snoring. "When Applejackhammer back there has to go visit her Pie cousins a billionth times removed."

"Well, Equestria is a large place, Rainbow Dash—"

"Pfft! Don't I know it? But... like..." Rainbow shrugged. "Half of us can fly! One sixth of us can fly super awesomely fast. Heh. And you?" She pointed. "You can friggin' teleport!"

Twilight clapped her book shut and placed it by her seat before looking at Rainbow. "What are you getting at?"

"It just seems... I dunno... silly when you think about it," Rainbow Dash muttered. "Seems to me that when... like... I look back over the past few years that we've been together... y'know..." She waved her hooves. "All of us... as a group of friends..."

"Yeah...?"

"Feels like half of that time has been spent sitting in a train, waiting to get from place to place." Rainbow scratched the back of her neck. "I figured that—y'know—with all of these crazily faster ways we have of getting around the world, we wouldn't rely on trains so much."

"Rainbow..." Twilight chuckled, rolling her eyes. "We haven't spent half of our adventures sitting in a train!"

"You sure about that?"

"Why, if you break it down to quantifiable numbers, I'd say we've spent..." Twilight paused, her eyes rolling around their sockets in deep, contemplative thought. They exhausted two and a half clockwise revolutions before she melodically spouted: "No more than nine percent of our cross-country adventures sitting in trains!"

"That's still a big number!" Rainbow's voice cracked.

"Pffft. It is not."

"It is to me!" Rainbow gulped. "I was nine years old when I first busted a tooth loose! I-I think that was the first time I ever looked into the cold beady eyes of death!"

"Rainbow, nine years isn't the same as nine percent of something, especially when you consider the fact that the average Equestrian citizen lives approximately seventy-five years, not one hundred—"

"Now you're just making the number feel bigger!" Rainbow exclaimed. She scrunched inward, hugging herself. "Ah jeez! I-I don't even want to know what percentage of my life I've spent sitting uselessly inside trains now!"

"Number crunching might yield dramatic results at first, but I assure you that they're perfectly harmless, Rainbow. Especially when you stop to consider how nonsensical it is to be bothered by such facts." Twilight shrugged. "For example, the average pony spends maybe about ten years of their lifetime working... three years cooking... one and a half years in the bathroom..."

"Ugh!" Rainbow clapped a pair of hooves over her ears. "Not listening...!"

"And maybe twenty-five years sleeping!" Twilight stifled a giggle. "Although, in your case Rainbow Dash, I just might inflate that by about... ohhh... one point seven percent. Heehee."

"Do forgive the intrusion," Rarity said, leaning her head across the aisle. "But what might you two be talking about?"

"Number crunching!" Twilight chirped, beaming.

"No we're not." Rainbow pivoted about, glaring. "We're talking about how super lame it is that we spend so much friggin' time sitting on a train."

"Why, whatever do you mean, darling?" Rarity lifted a hoof daintily as she smiled. "This is only the most luxurious way to travel!" She winked. "And not too heavy on the bit bag too!"

"Yeah, but... what's the point if some of us can get to where we need to go faster?"

"Maybe we all can't be you, Rainbow Dash." Rarity smirked, raising an eyebrow. "Hasn't that ever crossed your mind?"

"Yo. Like... every time I wake up."

"Surely you wouldn't rather exercise and perspire unnecessarily when a steam locomotive could do all the work for you?"

"Uhm..." Fluttershy dipped in, drooping eyes obscured beneath her mane. "I'm fine with not perspiring." She gulped. "I'm terribly afraid of smelling myself."

"Look, it's not just about me and my awesome flight speeds!" Rainbow pointed at the alicorn seated next to her. "Take Twilight for example! She's got freaky-good skills in magic! Why, just a wave of her horn, and—Zap! She could teleport us to just about anywhere!" She looked to her left. "Right, Twi?"

"Well..."

"So what's stopping us from skipping the train, the wait, and the boredom altogether and just... y'know... Zap zap z-zap! Blinking to our destination! Courtesy of everypony's favorite zaponator!"

"I... uh..." Twilight rubbed her hooves pensively together. "...I-I would like to keep my teleportation spells to a minimum."

"Oh?" Fluttershy blinked. "Why is that?"

Twilight clenched her teeth, blanching slightly. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Pinkie Pie's face suddenly hung upside down before the mares. "Hey! What are you girls gabbing about?"

"Rainbow Dash hates trains," Rarity droned.

"I do not!" Rainbow frowned. "I hate waiting on trains!"

Pinkie dropped down from the lamp she was clinging to, landing on her tail. "Why do you hate trains, Dashie?"

"I never said—Unnngh!" Rainbow slumped, resting her chin on a hoof. "Forget it."

"'Cuz trains are the most splendiferous way of splendifering your fuzzy flank around Equestria!" She sprung her tail, did a backflip, and landed on all fours—grinning. "Not to mention tasty! Mmmm-mmmm! Especially when the cart lady shows up with her toffey and caramel popcorn and banana yogurt cups!" She glared towards the next coach's window as her voice took on an angry squeal: "Although she seems to be super duper late this afternoon for some reason!"

"Schnorrrrrrrrrr...!" Applejack contributed.

"Personally, I like sitting on trains," Fluttershy said with a bashful smile. "It's nice and quiet and comfy... not to mention a very good way to buffer for an upcoming friendship adventure."

"'Buffer,' darling?" Rarity inquired with a blink.

"Oh yes. 'Buffering' is what I call the time period I need to prepare myself for something important. It could be... uh... an important speech to my furry friends at book club... or when I'm just about to pull a baby mouse's aching tooth out... or just before making a trip to the grocery store."

"You've gotta be kidding me," Rainbow moaned.

"Question." Twilight leaned in. "Just how long does it take on average to 'buffer' for an event?"

"Oh... uhm..." Fluttershy fidgeted. "I'd say it depends on the severity of the occasion and its social importance."

"Do you have a metric for quantifying the variance?"

Fluttershy shrugged. "I'd say fifteen minutes to two hours."

"And how many times a week do you find yourself having to do this?"

"Three... four... maybe six times?"

"Well congratulations, Fluttershy!" Twilight grinned. "Assuming you live a full, healthy life, I'd say you'll spend a grand total of five years buffering!"

"Oh..." Fluttershy giggled breathily, clapping her hooves. "Isn't that swell?!"

Rarity grinned wide. "Twilight, darling, can you estimate how many years of my life I'll spend sewing lace onto petticoats?"

"Guys, come onnn!" Rainbow growled. "We're sitting on a train doing nothing! Doesn't that bother anypony in the least?"

"Uh oh..." Pinkie leaned in, eyes glittering mischievously. "Looks like Rainbow Dash can't stand the... jerks in the coach!"

The other three giggled.

Rainbow frowned, folding her forelimbs. "You stole that from somewhere."

"Oh yeah? How would you knowwww?" Pinkie Pie stuck her tongue out. "Blblbllbbb!"

Just then, a high-pitched screeching noise lit the air outside the train.

Every mare blinked at one another.

"What...?" Fluttershy hid closely behind Rarity, trembling. "Wh-what's that noise?"

"I think Pinkie's lame joke woke the dead," Rainbow muttered.

"Nothing of the sort." Twilight shook her head. "From the sound of it, I'd say the engineers were applying the train's brakes—"

Screeeeeeech!

The train lurched to a stop, each coach jolting heavily from the sudden loss in momentum.

"Whoahhh!" Rainbow stumbled forward, followed by Twilight and the rest.

Applejack flew off her seat—bumping hard across the bench directly in front of her. "Ummff!" Wincing, she lifted her hat, blinking blearily across the coach. "Huh? Whuh...?" Her freckled face scrunched. "Are we there yet?"

A Story by Joss Whinny

The train had stopped dead center in the middle of a wide, green valley—right between a lake and a cluster of trees. There was no building or equine structure in sight.

This didn't stop several curious, muttering passengers from exiting their coaches, glancing north and south at the empty tracks looming from horizon to horizon.

Twilight Sparkle hopped out of one of the coaches. She looked towards the front of the train, squinting. The alicorn spotted a cluster of train conductors and engineers standing in a tight circle, conversing worriedly with one another.

"Uhm... hello?"

Twilight trotted briskly forward, hopping over puffs of hissing steam escaping from the wheels and spokes of the front locomotive. Rainbow Dash swiftly joined her, hovering. The rest of the mares caught up right as Twilight approached the stallions.

"Excuse me, sirs... uhm..." Twilight leaned in with a pensive breath. "Sorry to interrupt you, but, why did we stop just now?"

"Ma'am, if you would please get back in your passenger car," one of the conductors spoke, looking serious and grim in his dark suit and gray lambchops. "We have everything under control. I assure you."

"Hey!" Rainbow frowned, folding her forelimbs from where she levitated. "The Princess of Friendship just asked you a question, dude! Are you gonna spill the beans or what?"

"Do pardon us," Applejack said, tilting her hat. "We're a mite bit rattled from the sudden stop'n'all. I betcha a swift explanation would calm our nerves. Then we'd be out of yer hair."

The conductors looked towards the group. With a sigh, the lead engineer leaned in, speaking quietly to Twilight, "Your Majesty, my deepest apologies. But we simply had to stop—as a precaution. There's something interfering with our magical telegraph's leylines. We just lost contact."

Twilight's eyes narrowed. "Just lost contact with who?"

The stallion gulped. "Everyone," he said.

The six mares collectively blinked.

"Well..." Rarity swallowed, leaning back. "That's... not foreboding or anything."

"I-I prefer 'anything,'" Fluttershy whimpered.

"Hey! Good news!" Pinkie hopped into the center, victoriously holding up a yellow plastic cup. "I just found the refreshments lady! This was the last container of vanilla yogurt they had! Woohoo! Now... if I could just get the darn thing open..." She licked her lips, fussing with the tight lid. "Rggghh... wow! They sure make these thingies tough! Almost as if creatures with hooves weren't supposed to open 'em! Hah! Who'd a thunk it? Say, Rarity, can I borrow your hoof file?"

Silence.

Pinkie looked up, blinking. "Is anypony even listening to me?"

This Is Almost a Prance Film

"Alright, I have just one pertinent question to ask," Rarity said. Then—between huffs and puffs—she let loose a prolonged, melodramatic whine. "Just which of you ponies thought that this would be a good ideaaaaa?" She hunched in mid-stride beneath her bulging saddlebag. "Ohhhhhhhhhh..."

She and four other ponies marched south along the railroad tracks. The mares traveled on hoof, carrying their backpacks on their flanks in the warm, noonday sun.

"Well, Rarity," Twilight spoke, breathing in and out as she trotted at a brisk pace directly behind Applejack. "It was either this or stay stranded inside that train, waiting for who knows how long before the engineers decided it was safe enough to taken off for our destination."

"Uhm..." Fluttershy shivered slightly, trotting behind Pinkie Pie. "Safe from what? Does anypony even know why we st-stopped in the first place?"

"Who cares?!" Pinkie Pie bounced and bounced, seemingly immune to the weight of her backpack. "A little fun in the sun is just what the joy doctor ordered! Weeeeeee!" She gasped, gaping wide at a buzzing cluster of trees. "Check it out! Go, cicadas! Go! Belt it out! You can kick tinnitus' flank any day! Heehee!"

"I don't see how you can possibly find merriment in this horrid situation," Rarity grumbled. She squinted, pausing to shade her eyes from the high sun overhead. "Ohhhhh! I swear... if this insufferable trek makes me perspire, I will die! Simply die!"

"Eughhh..." Twilight rolled her eyes as she shuffled in front of Pinkie Pie. "You know, Rarity, nopony asked you to come along."

"Uh!" Rarity gasped. "And just what was my other choice? To stay inside that cramped, stuffy train?! Right next to that noisy coach full of... of..." Her eyes narrowed like daggers as she shivered. "...Brayzilian Tourists..."

"Hey!" Pinkie frowned over her shoulder. "What's your beef with South Amuleica? Maud's training super hard to compete in the Rock Olympics there in four years!"

"Am I the only pony still worried about why the train stopped?" Fluttershy squeaked.

"Well, Fluttershy, the engineers were... very vague about it." Twilight scrunched and unscrunched her nose in mid-trot. "Apparently there's an old, somewhat outdated—but still very pertinent security protocol that train conductors follow."

"Uhhh..."

"Basically, when the communicative leylines of a magical telegraph service gets cut off, then the engineers must stop the train until the lines are reconnected. It's for the passengers safety."

"Yes, but certainly not for their comfort," Rarity griped.

"Please..." Twilight smirked, eyeing the railroad's vanishing point along the southern horizon as the group trotted along. "It's historically proven that—if a magial telegraph leyline's been cut—then that means that something like a fallen tree or a collapsed fence must have knocked out one or more of the crystalline junction points... which could also mean that part of the tracks have been clocked or—worse—damaged. The railroad service's safety precautions really are in our best interests."

"Oh..." Fluttershy exhaled heavily through a smile. "Whew... that's not so bad, then."

"Orrr... it could also mean an earthquake, tidal wave, false metastability event, or the return of Tirek." Twilight shrugged. "You never know."

"Eeeep!" Fluttershy quivered, hugging Pinkie from behind. "Please let it be a fallen fence! Pleeeease!

"Oh goddess!" Rarity gasped.

"What?!" Twilight and Applejack looked back, eyes wide.

"I... I-I think..." Rarity hyperventilated, feeling her forehead. "I-I think I might be sweati—"

SWOOOOSH! In a blue blur, Rainbow Dash streaked in from the south, braking in mid-air with two objects in her grasp. "I'm back!" She leaned in towards Rarity. "Rares? Here's your umbrella just like you asked."

"Oh! Thank the stars!" Rarity magically grasped the object, unfolded it, and instantly levitated it above herself. She reveled in the shade. "Ahhhhhhhh... Oh, and thank you too, of course, Rainbow darling."

"Hey. Don't mention it." Rainbow shrugged, then pivoted towards Twilight. "And Twi. Here's that scroll and quill you asked for."

"Erm... thanks, Rainbow, but... uhhhh..." Twilight blinked.

"What?" Rainbow blinked, hovering above the trekking quintet. "What'd I forget?"

"Oh, nothing." Twilight smirked wryly, shaking the dry quill. "Except for the ink, of course."

"Well excuuuuuuuuuse me, egghead." Rainbow shrugged dramatically. "I'm no Whinny Faulkneigh." She stifled a groan and nodded. "Just where is the darn thing?"

"On my royal desk. The ink well is situated two inches from the left side, right in front of the marble bust of Flas—erm..." Twilight cleared her throat. "...of s-some random royal guard. Classical Era stuff." She waved a hoof. "Nopony you know."

"Uh huh." Rainbow pivoted towards the others. "Anypony need anything else from my trip back?"

"Mmmm... Rainbow..." Rarity shimmied out of her saddlebag. "...would you be a dear?"

"Hey." Rainbow grabbed the bag. "Sure thing."

"And... just perhaps..." Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. "Some cold lemon sarasparilla upon your return?" She pointed. "There's a coin or two in the bit bag. Do help yourself to one too."

"Sweet. Thanks. Though I think I'll get a Dr. Pony."

"Ooooh!" Pinkie jolted, grinning from ear to ear. "I could use a Dr. Pony too!"

"If it's not too much..." Twilight raised a hoof, grinning. "Make it three?"

"Totally doable."

"Wow, Rainbow..." Fluttershy blinked. "It sure is nice for you to do this for us." She gulped. "I hope it's not too much."

"Pfffft... please..." Rainbow waved a hoof. "I was born to fly at the speed of lasers. Besides. It beats being stuck in a stupid, slow, boring trot with you melon fudges."

"Uhm... thanks." Fluttershy winced, head drooping. "I think?"

Rainbow pointed at Rarity. "Lemon sarsaparilla." She pointed at Pinkie and Twilight. "Dr. Pony. Dr. Pony." She touched her own chest. "Dr Pony. Aj? You want anything?"

"Meh."

"Mane Dew it is! Bee-Arr-Bee!" SWOOOOOSH! And Rainbow Dash soared back south on roaring pony rockets... or at least an echoing doppler facsimile of them.

"Oh dear..." Rarity cooed.

"What's wrong?" Fluttershy looked back.

Rarity fanned herself beneath the floating umbrella. "I do believe I forgot to ask her to put the sarsaparilla on ice."

"Rrrrgh!" Applejack suddenly scowled. "Who gives a cotton-pickin' hay about ice or drinks or umbrellas?!" She tilted her hat forward with a huff. "Can we just concentrate on gettin' ourselves home already?! It's already high noon!"

"Oooooooooooh!" Pinkie Pie grinned wickedly in mid-pounce. "Somepony's freckles have poppppped!"

"Now's not a good time, Pinkie," Applejack grumbled.

"Yeesh, AJ!" Twilight craned her neck at the pony leading the pack. "Just what slid up under your apple peels and died?"

"Yes, darling. Do tell." Rarity squinted. "You're never this impatient." She blinked. "Or huffy, for that matter."

"Is something wrong?" Fluttershy asked.

Applejack sighed, hanging her head. "I'm sorry for bitin' yer heads off, y'all. T'ain't proper. Yes—normally I'd lurve nothin' more than a laid-back cross-country stroll. But... but... dang it..." She frowned, nostrils flaring as she glared past the railroad tracks rolling ahead. "I done promised Apple Bloom that I would be there at her school to attend her show'n'tell presentation this afternoon!" She waved at the bright sky. "And in just a matter of hours, I'll have missed it!"

"Applejack, you have such a sweet, loving, understanding little sister," Fluttershy said with a kind smile. "I'm sure Apple Bloom be more than forgiving if circumstances made you late for show'n'tell."

"But it ain't just normal show'n'tell!" Applejack exclaimed. "It's the first time she's given such a presentation since she got her cutie mark!"

"Oh dear me..." Rarity blinked, eyes wide. "How unthoughtful of me." She gulped. "Perhaps... I-I should have attended for Sweetie Belle's sake?"

"Nah, Rarity. Ain't nothin' to get yer mane in a twirl over. It's..." Applejack cleared her throat. "It's somethin' of an Apple Family tradition, y'see." She gulped. "Big Mac attended my school when I did my first post-cutie-mark show'n'tell, and before that, Pa attended his. And then before that, Granny attended Pa's... and the list goes on, goin' all the way back to... to..."

Twilight gasped. "Pre-Modern Times in the Rural Equestrian West?"

"Purdy much, yup."

"Heeeeee..." Twilight blinked. Then gasped. "We gotta get you to Ponyville! On the double!"

"Not at this rate, Twi," Applejack said. "Face it. We ain't faster than a locomotive. And I'd hate to abandon y'all on such a long, arduous march."

FWOOOOOSH! Rainbow Dash returned, cradling several bottles and cans. "Opa!" She munched on a snack, gulped, and tossed the containers out. "Alright. Sarsaparilla. Dr. Pony. Dr. Pony. Mane Dew. Dr. Pony..."

"Oh boy oh boy!" Pinkie caught her canister and plucked at the lid. "I'm so thirsty, I could drink the frisky end of a hippo—!"

"No, Pinkie—wait!" Rainbow stretched a hoof out.

It was too late. A copious fountain of sudsy soda plowed into the pink mare's muzzle. "Blarghlblarghlblarghlblarghlll!" When it was done, she blinked, her face and mane dripping with syrupy suds. Her tongue licked and lathered across her muzzle. "Mmmmm! Bubbly!"

"Way to go, Einstallion." Rainbow smirked, folding her forelimbs. "Uhm... bit of a clue?" She pointed at her wings. "Fastest pegasus on the planet?" She pointed up at the clouds. "Empty skies?" She pointed at the cans. "Carbonated kidney stone makers?"

"Awww, Pinkie..." Fluttershy moped. "Now your drink is ruined."

"Mmmmm—sluuuurp! Don't be silly, Flutters!" Pinkie grinned, licking her chin and muzzle as the soda cascaded down her face. "Now it's just carrying the taste of all the lollipops and peppermints I have stuck in my mane!"

"Eeeugh..." Rarity shuddered, gazing up at Rainbow. "Perhaps you would be so kind as to carry me back to town instead of Applejack."

"Uhhhhh..." Rainbow bit once more into a snack, swallowed, and blinked. "Wat."

"Wat." Applejack echoed.

Twilight explained, "Applejack's afraid that we won't get to Ponyville in time for her to attend Apple Bloom's show'n'tell."

"Yeah, and?" Rainbow blinked.

Fluttershy cleared her throat. "Think you could give Applejack a lift? I think she would appreciate it. Wouldn't you, Applejack?"

"Uhhhhhh..." Applejack looked at Rainbow Dash, then back at the railroad tracks. "Yeah, no. That ain't happenin'."

"Hey..." Rainbow shrugged and tossed another cruncy snack in her muzzle. "She said it first, not me. Mrmmmff."

"Whatcha munchin' on, Dashie?" Pinkie asked.

"Mmmmmm..." Rainbow licked her lips and smiled, hovering in reverse. "Crackers! For some reason, Sugarcube Corner's counters are—like—chock full of the stuff today! It's the 'Afternoon Specialty,' according to the big glittery chalk board thingy."

"Whaaaaaaaat?!" Pinkie's wet muzzle scrunched. "Mrs. Cake didn't say nothing about cookin' no crackers!"

"Uhm... how does one cook crackers?" Fluttershy asked.

"Very... very carefully," Pinkie hissed.

"I can't see how that counts as a Sugarcube Corner Afternoon Specialty," Rarity said.

"I know, right?" Rainbow pointed at the container in her grasp. "Thankfully, they've got this super sick peanut butter mix to dunk the stuff in." She dipped another cracker and took a bite. "Mmmmm... mrmmfff... it's actually pretty darn good..."

"I want some!" Pinkie hopped. "Me me me! Please!"

"Heh... sure, Pinks. You can pay me later." Rainbow pivoted towards Twilight. "Hey egghead! Think fast!" She tossed her the ink well.

"Gaaah!" Twilight barely caught it in a magical field. She frowned. "Rainbow, careful!"

"Heeheehee!" Rainbow saluted. "You gotta lighten up, light bulb. Say... by the way... when did you buy Spike that snazzy trick poker deck?"

"Uhhhhh... huh?" Twilight blinked. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason. Zoop!" FWOOOOOSH! Rainbow rocketed south again.

Pinkie hollered through an invisible megaphone. "You'd better bring tons of Mrs. Cake's samples!"

"Pinkie..." Fluttershy winced, hissing. "My ears..."

"You know, Fluttershy," Rarity cooed, trotting alongside the mare as she held the umbrella up for both of them. "If you're feeling uncomfortable, you don't have to endure the trek on our behalf."

"Huh?" Fluttershy looked over, blinking. "Why, what do you mean, Rarity?"

"Oh... uhm... simply that... you could easily just... just..." Rarity glanced at Fluttershy's feathers, then at the railroad beside them. With a slow sigh, she reached over and patted Fluttershy's shoulder. "Never mind. Work those shapely curves, darling."

"I... will...?"

"Rrrrgh..." Applejack groaned. "She was gonna do this newfangled alchemy trick, too." Her lips pouted beneath her freckles. "Makin' a dead flower come to life with bath salts. Or somethin'. Heck if I know. I've never been to Mareami."

"Applejack, relax," Twilight said, dipping her floating pen into the floating ink and drawing ita cross the floating parchment. "If we keep up the steady pace, we'll reach Ponyville within the hour. Now, if you don't mind, I have a report to write on our most recent quest. Ahem." She smiled, eyes narrowing on her own words: "'Dear Princess Celestia, the friendship lesson we learned about non-gendered singing crystalline bipeds is—'"

FWOOOOOOOOSH! Rainbow rolled in, her forelimbs full of tiny plastic packages. "Booyakashaaaa!"

"Aaaack!" Twilight flinched, scraping a line across the sheet. "Rainbowwwww!" She hissed. "You nearly made me spill my ink!"

"Hey, guess you're a squid, kid." Rainbow pivoted towards Pinkie. "Hey Pinks! Bottoms up!" She tossed half of the containers at her.

"Woohoo! It's raining peanut butter and—hey!" Pinkie frowned, glaring at the plastic packages. "This stuff ain't home-baked! They're vendor-bought phonies! What gives?"

"Dude..." Rainbow shrugged, nearly dropping more crackers across the railroad tracks. "Sugarcube Corner was out of their stash by the time I returned!"

"Really?"

"Chyaaah!" Rainbow nodded. "Talk about hot cakes... crackers... peanut... baked?" She went cross-eyed, then shook her head. "Anyways, the store across the street had sold out as well... including the shop next to that. But then I found this sweet deal on them over at Flowers Devours!"

"Kewwwwwwl!" Pinkie ripped one of several packages open and munched away.

"Wait..." Rarity squinted. "Did you say 'Flowers Devours?'"

"Do you fart at the sight of Polyester?"

"Rainbow Dash!" Rarity tilted her chin up. "That is neither her nor there." She cleared her throat. "Point is, darling, Flowers Devours is a very expensive restaurant, known for its succulent cuisine and high class refinement."

"Mrmffff..." Pinkie munched and munched. "Mrmmmff... yeah? So...?"

"So..." Rarity blinked. "Isn't it a bit unbecoming of them to be serving such... eh... plebeian treats?"

"I'unno." Rainbow shrugged. Then grinned. "I'm gonna go get more! Catch, AJ!"

"Huh?!" Applejack winced as a liberal shower of peanut butter and crackers covered her hat. "Gaagh! Rrrgh..." She stomped a hoof. "Gosh darn it, Rainbow!"

FWOOOOOOOOOOSH! A prismatic streak disappeared over the southern horizon.

"One of these days, yer gonna speed yer tail off! And when the pot'o'gold falls out, dun come lookin' for help from any of us!" She huffed... puffed... then glanced at the others. "You suppose it'd be makin' up for thangs if I let Apple Bloom give Granny, Big Mac, and me a solo flower-growin' performance this weekend?"

"Mrmmfmf-mfrmmfmf-mfrmrmmf-mfmmrmfr-hrhhrm-mmrhhfmrmm!" Pinkie replied.

"... ... ..." Applejack hung her head. "Awwww shucks. I'm the worse big sister that ever worse'd." She sniffled... then frowned. "Eh... buck it. I'll just buy her tickets to Disneigh World and call it a day."

"That's your answer to everything, darling," Rarity yawned.

"I'd like to see you come up with somethin' better."

"Mmmm. Touche."

"Come to think of it..." Twilight blinked off into the distance. "As an oxide mineral that melts between two thousand thirty and two thousand fifty degrees celsius, sapphire is both insoluble and infusible. I don't see how any amount of rhythmic dancing could possibly change that. However, with enough chromium in conjunction with the aluminium oxide—"

FWOOOOOOOSH! Rainbow Dash appeared again. This time, she hovered above the group with a blank expression hanging off her face.

"Hey, Dashie!" Pinkie gulped the latest morsel down in mid-bounce, beaming. "Bring anymore snackies?"

"... ... ..." Rainbow blinked.

"Is... everything okay, Rainbow?" Fluttershy asked.

"Oh. Oh yeah. Sure." Rainbow pivoted towards Twilight. "Say, Twilight..."

"Yeah, Rainbow?"

"In all of your... y'know... geeky eggheaded bookreading..."

"Yeah? Rainbow?"

"Have you... uhhhm... ever come across an explanation as for why there should be—like—a bunch of strange deep grooves and trenches suddenly showing up in the middle of the street?" She blinked. "Followed by angry shouts and riotous crowds gathered around a farming town's city hall?"

Twilight's ears twitched. "Uhhhhh..."

"What in tarnation are you going on about, Rainbow?" Applejack remarked.

"I... think you guy should hurry it up a bit," Rainbow squeaked. "Things are... a bit freaky back at Ponyville."

"Define 'freaky,'" Rarity remarked.

"Yeah!" Pinkie made horse hoof quotation marks in the air. "On a scale of One to Ten!"

Rainbow tapped her chin, squinted, then looked down at the group. "How 'bout a 'Zed?'"

Jiminy!

Six mares limped into the north end of Ponyville, legs weak and weary. As they entered, a current of cacophonous noise rolled their way, full of angry, barking, neighing voices.

They could—perhaps—have made out the words of the angry ponies sooner, but they were too busy being distracted by the deep grooves and troughs suddenly filling the dirt streets of Ponyville. Between each building front and down each alleyway, deep lines had been dug in the soil—some even criss-crossing and slicing through one another.

Then, as the six proceeded down Main Street, they froze in place—gawking at a stallion who was busy with drawing a wagon full of pumpkins across the road.

A wagon... completely bereft of wheels.

"Grnnnghhhh!" The stallion gnashed his teeth, sweating bullets as he pushed and shoved and kicked at the soil with locked limbs. The cart behind him barely budged, its lower wooden wells shoving thick swaths through the surface of the dirt road. Behind him, a pair of troughs telegraphed the anguishing path he had taken from the produce market to where he was now. "Mgrnnngh... grnkkklttt!"

The mares blinked, then exchanged nervous glances.

"Uhhhh..." Applejack cleared her throat, then closed the distance between them. "Caramel? Cous'?" She tilted her head back, brow furrowed. "What in the hay do ya think yer doin'?" She pointed at the base of the wagon. "Have ya stopped to notice that yer wagon's missin' somethin'—"

Caramel spun towards her with an iron glare. Applejack and the other five jumped back, blinking. The stallion's brow furrowed while his angry eyes narrowed. Then, with slow and deliberate grace, he raised the straw of a cup of hay smoothie to his lips, slurped, then resumed tugging, pulling, yanking at the grinding wagon. "Grnnnn-hrnnnngh!"

"... ... ..." Applejack plucked her hat off and rubbed her scalp.

Rainbow Dash flew in until she hovered above the mare. "So... uh... just how removed of a cousin is Caramel from you, again?"

"Y'know... at the moment, I plum forget." Applejack gulped, plopping her hat back on. "Reckon I ain't of a mind to find out anytime soon."

"Hey guys! Look!" Pinkie beamed, perching on a fire hydrant as she pointed at three different groups of ponies pulling wooden slabs across the nearest intersection. "They're having a race! Heehee! Isn't that cool?!" She stood up on her hind quarters, shouting through a pair of hooves bracing her muzzle. "Go for glory, you guys!!!" Seconds passed as the echo of her shouting voice dissipated. The ponies continued dragging their wagons at ineffectually slow rates. "That's the spirit!" Pinkie grinned.

"Pinkie Pie..." Rainbow droned.

"Swing by Sugarcube Corner for a pit stop—"

"Pinkie!" Rainbow growled. "It's not a race! There is no finishing line!"

Pinkie tipped her nose up, speaking in a haughty tone all of the sudden: "You know, Rainbow Dash, you never see me drenching you with my nihilistic existential philosophy. So why should you?"

"Huh???"

"Uhm..." Fluttershy trembled behind Rarity. "Can we please f-find out what everypony is shouting over?" She squeaked, clenching her eyes shut and hiding behind her mane. "And m-make them st-stop? Mmmm!"

"Where in Celestia's name is that bedlam even coming from?" Rarity remarked. "Sounds like at least half the town is airing their dirty laundry!" She shuddered, fanning herself. "And oh how I hate dirty laundry!"

"Sounds like it's coming from Town Hall," Twilight said. Flexing her wings, the mare trotted briskly across the street. The other mane six followed her, galloping, faster and faster—

"Waaaaaait!" Pinkie hollered, standing right in front of them with her hooves out. The other five skidded to a stop as Pinkie blocked them from crossing. "Stand right here, ponies!" She looked over her shoulder. "They're coming around the bend!"

The other five stared at a pair of ponies dragging... draggggggging their wagons down the road—roughly twenty feet away with the pace of sleepy snails. Pinkie stood with her forelimbs stretched, smiling, waiting.

Cricket song...

"Oh!" Fluttershy gasped, then bent down to pick up a cricket standing on a sidewalk. "Jeremy! This is no time for a musical performance!" She hurriedly flew over to a cluster of bushes and deposited the insect safely among the leaves. "Hide out here until all of this strangeness blows over!"

"Guhhhh..." Rainbow face-hoofed long and hard.

"Careful!" Pinkie breathed out the side of her muzzle. "Making left turns all the time gives them a subconscious blind spot!"

"Pinkie, as much as we appreciate your attention to safety..." Rarity reared her legs and galloped straight out into the street. "Kindly move your derrierres, ladies!"

"Hey!" Pinkie stomped her hoof, frowning as the five rushed ahead of the grinding wagon-pullers. "Did you ever pay attention to those afterschool specials when you were a foal? 'Friends don't let friends do dolerite!'" She stood alone for a moment, then giggled. "Heehee! That was always Maud's favorite..."

Vote for "Meh"

"There!" Twilight pointed, gasping in mid-gallop. "Mayor Mare! You see her?"

"Mmmm... and how," Fluttershy said, wincing. "Just look at the angry crowd she's gathered!"

"My my..." Rarity stammered, looking left and right at the huge cluster of angry, teeth-gnashing villagers. "...this is a most frightening situation, indeed!"

"Shhhhh!" Applejack raised a hoof as the group collectively skidded to a stop. "Listen up, y'all! She's about to say somethin'!"

The girls craned their ears, listening in on the mob that encircled the Town Hall building. As a familiar gray-mane'd figure trotted up to the edge of a roughly-assembled stage, the braying words of the crowd grew louder:

"This is the last straw!"

"Just look at this place! Look at the state these streets are in!"

"I can barely even get from town to town!"

"How do you expect us to live like this?!"

"Help us, Mayor! It's your job, isn't it?!"

At last, Mayor Mare raised her forelimbs. She adjusted her bifocals, then spoke into a whining, crackling microphone: "A-a-ahem. Come one, come all, to see the amazing Town Meeting!"

"Uhhhh... we're already here!"

"Yeah! Get on with it!"

Twilight and Rainbow Dash exchanged weird glances.

"Err... right. Just testing the speakers, fillies and gentlecolts." With that said, the Mayor tilted her head back, eyes piercing... hard. "My little ponies of Ponyville, our village has been stricken by a most grievous catastrophe!""

The crowd erupted in mixed growls and affirmations.

"A disaster that threatens our very way of life!"

More raspy commotion.

Mayor Mare swung a hoof through the air, gesturing at the streets filled with deep gouges and wagon trenches. "A heinous scenario... in which we can't even traverse from street to street without agony or mishap!"

Rumbling. The stomping of hooves.

Twilight and her friends leaned over, eyes wide and muzzles agape.

The Mayor seethed. "I speak... of course..." She slammed her hoof down over the podium in front of her. "...of the inexcusable shortage of Peanut Butter and Crackers!"

"Yeah!"

"Celestia dang it!"

"Who's responsible?!"

"Do something about it, Mayor!"

Twilight plopped back on her rear hooves. Blinking. She shared a dumb stupor with her friends. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie shuffled up, digging her hoof fetlock-deep into a bag of buttery popcorn. Munching.

"My heart goes out to every single pony in this humble village." The Mayor held a hoof over her chest, sniffling. Liquid pride collected around the edges of her sockets, fogging her bifocals. "Starved of the one piece of ambrosia that makes this chaotic life worth living!"

"Yeah, well... when are we going to get some more?!"

"YEAH!!!"

"P.B.C! P.B.C! P.B.C!"

"Suffer no more! For I have already spoken with the good ponies of our neighboring Trottingham!" the Mayor's voice rang out, producing thunderous applause. "And they've already agreed to ship their entire quantities of both peanut butter and crackers to our empty warehouses forthwith! For a small price..."

"Small... pr-price...?" Applejack murmured aloud.

"It's quite alright." The Mayor waved a hoof, slicking back her swirly mane. "The Mayor did not need her expensive luxury yacht anyways."

"Hmmmmm..." Rarity tapped her chin, squinting at the podium. "Something's... different about her."

"Mrmmfff... I know, right?" Pinkie gobbled her way through morsels of popcorn. "Ever since she picked up a copy of Neighanetics."

"Well, I mean besides that..."

"Shhhh..." Twilight insisted, squinting at the scene. "I think she's about to finish."

"So there you have it, my enthusiastic little admirers!" The Mayor waved her hoof again. "Crisis averted! You can relax your little pony minds! Now... be gone with you until morning!"

Grumbling, the ponies split apart, trotting in separate directions—even hobbling over the deep trenches that stretched beneath them.

"Say uhm..." Fluttershy floated over, tapping Twilight's shoulder. "Twilight? Lecture?"

Twilight's eyes glinted. "With a capital 'L'!" And with a flash of magic, she disappeared...

...only to materialize by the Mayor's side. "Mayor Mare!"

"Shhhh... wait just one second." The Mayor held a hoof-mirror up in one fetlock while she brushed her swooping mane in another. "Mmmm... yes. That just about does it." She placed both instruments down and pivoted about. "What is it, Sparkle?"

"Mayor, have you seen Ponyville lately?!" Twilight grimaced hard. "It's a chaotic mess!"

"And nopony knows that better than me!" The Mayor tilted her chin up. "So many poor citizens... starved of the most priceless comoddity there's ever been!"

"Mayor?!" Twilight cackled, waving a hoof dramatically at the streets behind them. "That's not even the crux of it at all! Don't tell me you haven't even looked at the roads of your very own town!"

"Hmmm? What about them?" The Mayor turned around, frowning. "Are there crumbs spilled about?! Quick! Somepony grab a broom and dust pan!"

"No no no!" Twilight gestured. "The wagons! Ponies are just... dragging them uselessly through the dirt!"

"Huh?" The Mayor blinked. "Oh. Yes. Somepony's been stealing our wheels. Anywayssss." Stifling a yawn, she trotted back into Town Hall. "Your Great and Powerful Mayor has this under control, Princess."

Twilight's eyes went crooked. "What did you say?"

"I said I've got this under control." The Mayor held the door open, looking over her shoulder. "Although—next time, Sparkle—you may wish to arrive in town earlier. But that's quite alright." Then, with a toss of her mane, she entered Town Hall. "The spotlight's not for everypony."

Thud!

Twilight stood on the edge of the stage, flabbergasted.

Rarity and Applejack trotted over to her side.

"Is it just me..." Rarity cleared her throat. "...or did her mane seem... swoopier to you?"

"Rarity..." Twilight pivoted about, muzzle agape. "Don't you think there's more going on here than just the Mayor's mane?"

Rarity blinked. "... ... ...she's wearing false eyelashes too?"

"Somepony's been stealing all the wagons from town!" Twilight cackled, waving her forelimbs wide. "And, what's more, nopony seems to care!"

"Still, is anythang burnin' down?" Applejack said.

"What? No..."

"Tirek ain't returnin'?" Applejack squinted. "King Sombra and Queen Chrysalis ballroom dancin' down a series of demonic stairs or some-such?"

"Not... that I can tell as of yet..."

"Well, alright then!" Applejack tilted her hat back. "Reckon y'all dun need me around, then. Skedaddle time!" She trotted briskly across town. "I gotta make like an apple and peel! There's still an hour left to get my keister to Apple Bloom's school and attend her show'n'tell!"

"Uhm... AJ?"

"See ya!"

Twilight sighed. "Aren't there more pressing things all of the sudden?"

"Ech..." Rarity waved her dainty fetlock. "Oh how I do hate pressing on things." Clearing her throat, she trotted gaily across the town. "Well, I'm off to Aloe and Lotus Spa before they close."

"Huh? What for?!"

"Inspirationnnnnn!" she cooed.

Twilight blinked at her. "... ... ...is there something in the water?"

"Boooo!" Pinkie called from below stage. She munched on a few more kernels and blurted: "When's the half-time show?!"

Prologue

THE
TRIXIENING

Author's Note