A perfect spring day greeted Applejack as she walked out of her home. As she made her way through the vast orchard surrounding the farm, pride swelled in the mare's chest. She and the rest of her family had been hard at work since Winter Wrap Up preparing this year's crop, and the results spoke for themselves. Applejack's smile was as wide as a mile as she came to the top of a hill overlooking the acres.
"Ah think this year's harvest is gonna be the largest we've ever had!"
Thoughts of the coming Applebuck season swirled in Applejack's head as she turned to return to the farmhouse, and came face to face with a wall of pink.
"Applejack, we need to cook."
"AAAAAA"
Applejack stumbled and fell backwards. Picking herself up and straightening her hat, Applejack scowled at the pink mare sitting next to her.
"What the hay, Pinkie Pie? Ya'll done scared me outta two years of growth!"
Stressing each word, Pinkie repeated, "Applejack, we need to cook."
Applejack's anger was quickly replaced with concern. Something was off about her friend. The usual cheer in her voice was missing; the smile that she always wore was gone, and was replaced with the most serious expression Applejack had ever seen on the party mare's face.
"Are ya'll alright, Sugarcube?" Applejack asked in concern.
"Of course I am; why wouldn’t I be silly?" In the blink of an eye, Pinkie Pie was back to her normal goofy self, but her usual smile slipped as she continued. "But I could use your help AJ."
"Uh, alright then… ya need help cookin something, Pinkie?" Applejack was a little uneasy from Pinkie Pie's mood swing
"Oh no, I was just being dramatic." Pinkie Pie chuckled, waving a hoof; Applejack sighed in relief, glad Pinkie Pie was back to normal.
"We have everything ready to go; we just need another pair of hooves. So can you help? Can you, can you?" Pinkie bounced in the air with each word.
"Uh, I don’t know Pinkie," Applejack rubbed the back of her head with a hoof, "I gotta lot to do on the farm. If'in it ain't nothin serious, why not ask one of the other girls to lend a hoof."
"I would, but nopony else is available. Twilight is in Canterlot, Rainbow and Rarity are doing their community service, and Fluttershy is visiting her parents. Please, Applejack, it won't take long."
Pinkie's eyes widened; her lower lip began to quiver as tears formed in her eyes. Applejack jerked her hat down to cover her eyes, but it was too late. She had seen Pinkie Pie's Patented Pitiful Pony Pout, and not even Princess Celestia could withstand the Sextuple P's. Even with her eyes closed and hat pulled down, she could still see Pinkie pie's heartbroken face. Sighing, Applejack replaced her hat.
"Awww, fine. Ah'll help ya."
"Pinkie Promise that you’ll help and keep it secret." Pinkie Pie said smiling.
"Pinkie, why do I gotta—" Applejack began, but Pinkie Pie's eyes were rapidly swelling.
"Ugh, fine. I promise to help you and keep it secret, cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." Applejack said going through the motions.
To Applejack's surprise, her friend didn’t clap her hooves, shout, jump for joy, or anything one would expect Pinkie Pie to do. As before, Pinkie seemed to change in the blink of an eye; there was no cheer in her eyes, or the small smile that spread across her muzzle.
"Good, follow me." Pinkie's voice was flat with no emotion.
Pinkie turned and began to walk toward the Everfree. An unfamiliar sensation crept down Applejack's spine watching her bubbly friend simply trot instead of hopping or skipping. The pair didn’t speak until they reached the edge of the evil forest, and Pinkie began to make her way inside.
"Uh Pinkie, where are we goin exactly?" Applejack said uneasily, stopping at the edge of the forest.
Once more, the switch flipped, and Pinkie Pie was back to normal. The pink mare turned with a large smile on her face.
"It’s a secret." Pinkie said with a wink. "Nopony can follow us, come on."
Pinkie waved her hoof for Applejack to follow as she hopped into the Everfree. More confused and concerned for her friend than ever, Applejack trotted after Pinkie, wondering just what she had gotten herself into.
*******
Two hours later, after a hike through the Everfree, three different trips around Ponyville, each including their original starting point in Sweet Apple Acres, the pair finally arrived at their destination.
"Ok we're here." Pinkie Pie turned to smile at Applejack.
"Pinkie, this is Sugarcube Corner."
"Yep"
"You said this was supposed ta be a secret."
"Yep! Who would look for me here?" Pinkie Pie said as she turned and went inside the bakery.
Applejack's eye began to twitch. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly along with her annoyance, Applejack followed her friend inside.
"Good morning, Applejack. What can I do for you, dear?" Mrs. Cake said greeting the farmer as she came through the door.
"Howdy, Mrs. Cake; Pinkie Pie said you needed help with some—"
Applejack was cut off by a pink hoof being shoved in her mouth. Pinkie Pie's cheerless eyes stared into her own for a second before the pink mare turned and waved to Mrs. Cake.
"AJ's just here to get a bag of flour, Mrs. Cake." Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, before turning back to Applejack and whispering in a low, deep voice, "Isn't that right, Applejack."
Pinkie pulled her hoof from Applejack's mouth
"Uh yeah, just, uh, a bag of sugar." Applejack said with a nervous smile, sweat forming on her brow.
Mrs. Cake scrutinized Applejack for a few seconds before her confused expression changed to a smile.
"Ok, dear, just call if you would like anything else; Carrot and I are in back preparing for the lunch rush." Mrs. Cake said turning to walk back into the kitchen, "Pinkie would you mind helping, Applejack."
"No Problem, Mrs. Cake." Pinkie said cheerfully as Mrs. Cake walked though the saloon doors into the kitchen.
"Applejack…" Pinkie Pie said sweetly.
"Yeah…"
"Do you really want to break another Pinkie Promise?"
Pinkie Pie turned to look Applejack in the eyes; the farm mare could swear fire danced in the other mare's blue eyes.
"Uh… no…"
"Good." Pinkie's smile regained its normal cheerfulness. "Let's go."
Turning Pinkie Pie quickly trotted to the basement door, her head seemed to be on a swivel as if somepony was following her. Opening the door, Pinkie motioned for Applejack to go inside.
“Quick before anypony sees us.”
Applejack rolled her eyes seeing as they were the only two ponies in the room, but did as she was asked. Pinkie looked around one last time before shutting the door behind them.
*******
“Dang Pinkie, I can’t see a dern thing down here.”
“I’m sorry Applejack, but I have a dark secret down here.”
A chill crept up the farm pony’s spine at that monotone voice, still unused to hearing it from her energetic friend.
Gulp “What do you mean Pinkie, this is just a storage basement, right?” Applejack replied nervously, her eyes strained to make sense of the darkness.
“Not exactly, I’ve never shown any of the girls what we keep down here.” Click
A bright flash lit up the room forcing Applejack to shut her eyes. After a few agonizing seconds, Applejack was able to open her eyes to see a horrifying… normal looking basement. There were bags of sugar and flour stacked neatly along one wall with boxes labeled “party supplies” stacked neatly nearby, and a smiling pink pony sitting in the middle.
“That’s much better, now we can see, come on,” Pinkie said with smile as she hopped around a pile of boxes humming to herself.
“Hehehe, don't know what I expected.” Applejack chuckled nervously to herself as she made to follow her friend.
Calm down cowpony, Pinkie Pie was just having a little fun is all.
Applejack came to a stop when she turned the corner made by the stack of storage boxes; her hoof quickly rising to meet her face.
“Seriously, Pinkie Pie?”
Pinkie Pie sat impatiently in front of a door tapping her hoof. A sign hanging on the door read, “Pinkie Pie’s Dark and Secret Lab. Nopony look at this door.”
“Applejack this is very serious, and I would appreciate it if you would act like you want to help me.”
The unusual seriousness was back with a vengeance as the baker’s eyes bored into the farmer’s. Applejack swallowed, her friend’s rapidly changing mood making her nervous.
“I’m sorry, Pinkie, truly I am. I promised I would help you and I will” – Applejack said with a nod – “Whatever you need, I’ll do it.”
Pinkie Pie kept her intense stare for a few more seconds before slowly nodding her head.
“Good, come inside my partners are waiting for us.”
Pinkie turned and opened the door and stepped inside. Once more wondering what she had gotten herself into, Applejack quickly followed with the door shutting behind her.
*******
Beakers bubbled, ovens beeped, and the entire room smelled like sugar. There was shattered hard candy across several tables and even more rock candy necklaces piled in one corner than the last time Maud had visited. Another corner was dominated by a giant safe and desk. A large brief case sat on the desk with Pumpkin and Pound Cake gurgling happily next to it. Pinkie Pie quickly moved across the room with Applejack gawking around the room behind her.
“Wha… What is the place Pinkie?”
“Duh, it’s my dark and secret lab, didn’t you read the sign?” Pinkie said with a raised eyebrow. “If we could get that light fixed over there, it would just be my secret lab.”
“Right…, and what are they doing down here?” Applejack said pointing at the Cake twins.
Pinkie walked over to the desk giving the foals a quick hug and receiving two happy giggles in return.
“These two are my partners. I believe you’ve met so we can skip the introductions, we need to hurry.”
“Aa thbrbrbrb” Pumpkin said waving a small hoof at Applejack.
“Of course we can trust her, she’s Applejack. She’s the most dependable pony I know,” Pinkie said patting the small filly on the head.
“Uh huh…,” Applejack’s eye brow rose. “So what is it ya needed me for, Pinkie.”
Pinkie tossed the foals into the air; catching them on her back and eliciting more giggles from the twins.
“I need you to carry this briefcase; I can’t carry it and the twins to the meeting at the same time.”
“Who are we meeting Pinkie and why does it need to be so secretive?”
The party pony only stared at her expectantly. Sighing, Applejack crossed the room and tossed he briefcase across her back.
Smiling Pinkie turned a dial on one of the many ovens lining the walls of her laboratory. The oven swung out from the wall revealing a well-made, lighted tunnel.
“All in good time, now come on. We’ll take the secret route out so no one sees us leave the bakery. This leads to the outskirts of Ponyville and just a hop, skip, and a jump from our meeting place. Pretty neat, huh?” Her smile never leaving her face.
Applejack responded with a flat look
“Pinkie if this dang thing was here already, why didn’t we just use this instead of running all around town and then coming through the front door?”
“Because reasons” – Pinkie said with a smile. – “Come on, we’re supposed to meet the buyers in just ten minutes.” Pinkie turned and galloped down the tunnel; the Cake twins’ squeals joy echoed off the walls.
Shaking her head, Applejack raced after her friend.
“This better be worth it, Pinkie Pie.”
*******
Applejack sat in the shade at the edge of White Tail Wood trying to not to think about how much work was not getting done because she had agreed to help her eccentric friend. Pinkie sat nearby, Pumpkin Cake climbing in her mane, with one leg around the mysterious briefcase, scanning the skies. Pound Cake fluttered up to sit on Applejacks head with a small yawn.
“You and me both Sugarcube.” Applejack said to the little colt as he got comfortable. “Can ya tell me who we’re suppose ta be meetin yet, Pinkie.”
“Nope, no one uses their real name in this business, silly. I don’t really know who they are.”
Applejack frowned, “Business? What kind of business are you in Pinkie that you don’t know somepony’s name?”
Pinkie favored Applejack with a dead look.
“If you must know—”
“Baaa!”
Pumpkin’s squeal drowned out whatever Pinkie Pie was going to say. Both adult ponies turned to follow the foals hoof pointing towards the sky. A dark spec was quickly growing larger as it approached the field near the odd group.
“Ok, Applejack listen” – Pinkie said rising to her hooves – “Pumpkin and I will go out first and do all the talking, and when I signal you, bring me the briefcase. Got it?”
“Pinkie what’s in this thing?” Applejack wasn’t going to let the fact that she hadn’t got an answer to her earlier question get past her.
“Just remember what I said before,” Pinkie said making sure Pumpkin was secure on her back, “Ok they’re here, let’s go.”
“Pinkie!”
Applejacks cry fell on deaf ears as Pinkie trotted across the field toward the pegasus-pulled cart that had just landed. The pegasus was a young, skinny stallion wearing a beanie and hoodie despite the summer heat with a wooden box for a cutie mark. Another skinny stallion jumped out of the cart; this one a unicorn. His white coat was in stark contrast to the black pork pie hat on his shaved head. Applejack recognized his cutie mark as two elements from the periodic table Br and Ba; though the farm pony couldn’t remember what the abbreviations stood for.
Pinkie Pie and the mysterious unicorn both stepped forward until they were only a few hooves away. Applejack’s eyes darted between them as she waited for them to speak. The unicorn was the first to speak in a gravel-toned voice.
“Say my name.”
Pinkie Pie seemed taken aback. Her eyes narrowed before she responded.
“Say my name!”
“Say my name!”
“Say my name!”
Applejack stared dumbfounded as Pinkie and the unicorn kept demanding the same thing.
“Hey, yo!”
Startled, Applejack nearly dropped Pound Cake. The pegasus had walked around the two arguing ponies.
“Yo, sorry for startling you there, but I’d rather not have to sit and listen to that until they stop.” The pegasus gestured to where Pinkie Pie and the unicorn had begun to butt heads still shouting at each other.
“Say my name!”
“That stuff can last way to long. Names Pinkmane,” the pegasus said holding out his hoof in greeting.
Applejack’s eye brow rose, but gripped the stallions hoof in kind.
“Names Applejack. Ifin ya, don’t mind me askin, Pinkmane?” Applejack said gesturing to the stallions short brown mane.
“Heh parents, what can you do, yo. So you her hired muscle.”
“Nah just a friend helpin out another friend, though I don’t know what in Tartarus that’s about.” Applejack said with a flick of her head towards her apparently deranged friend.
“SAY MY NAME!”
“Yo, you know how they all get when they meet and those two are the best of the best.” Pinkmane rolled his eyes, “If the bits weren’t so good, I’d have already bounced, yo.”
“They who, is whut I don’t know”
Yo, you don’t know” – Pinkmanes eye’s widened in shock– “Those two are the best cooks and dealers in the business!”
It was Applejacks turn to be alarmed, “Dealer! Just what in the hay is Pinkie Pie dealing!”
“Hard candy.”
“Whut…”
“FINE, it was your turn, but whatever!” Pinkie Pie shouted with a wave of her hooves, Pumpkin Cake clung to her mane laughing.
“Heisenwhite.”
“You’re Celestia- dammed right.”
“Ok, happy now? Do me! Say my name.”
“Pinkstavo Ping.”
“Your’re Luna-dammed right.” Pinkie Pie quickly stuck out her tongue before smirking.
The stallion, Heisenwhite, grumbled before taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, “Did you bring it?”
“Of course I did; we have a deal,” Pinkie gestured toward Applejack.
Applejack shook herself out of the confusion caused by what she had just witnessed and took her cue to bring the briefcase forward. Dropping it at Pinkie Pie’s hooves the farm pony returned to her place next to Pinkmane. Pinkie bent down to allow Pumpkin to hop off her back and opened the briefcase. There was a pile of rock candy necklaces inside along with a recipe. Heisenwhite’s horn lit and picked up one of the necklaces, but Pinkie quickly slammed the briefcase shut once more.
“I want to see your half of our deal before you get to taste.” Pinkie said ignoring the stallions glare.
“Fine, Pinkmane, get our product for the lady.”
Pinkmane rolled his eyes as he fluttered over to their cart and pulled out another briefcase. He landed next to the other stallion grumbling, “I don’t see why you couldn’t have just used your magic, yo.”
The briefcase glowed in Heisenwhite’s magic as it opened revealing another recipe and a box of candy.
“Some of the best blue sky crystals I have ever made. Is this sufficient?”
“Yepperooni, we are agreed; recipe for recipe and we stay out of each other’s territory.”
Pinkie Pie slid her briefcase forward as Heisenwhite floated his to her.
Nodding Heisenwhite put his new briefcase into the cart as Pinkmane donned the harness.
“Well I believe we are done here, Ms. Ping. Good day.” Heisenwhite quickly joined his new asset, “Let’s go, Pinkmane.”
With a nod of farewell to Applejack, Pinkmane flapped his wings and took to the skies. Applejack watched the two stallions for a few seconds before turning to Pinkie who was rummaging through her new briefcase.
“Pinkie, just what in the hay just happened.”
“Business, AJ, a business deal that will finally put me on top!” Pinkie said before popping one of the crystals into her mouth, “Mmmmmm that’s tasty.”
“But if ya’ll was just tradin candy, what’s with all the secrecy?”
“Because it’s criminally good candy!”
Applejack’s hoof slammed into her face.
BOOM!
Applejack and Pinkie spun to only watch in horror as Heisenwhite’s smoking cart crashed into White Tail Wood.
“Baba,” Pumpkin Cake laughed and clapped her tiny hooves.
Pinkie whirled and seized, albeit gently, Pumpkin’s shoulders.
“Pumpkin, what did you do?!”
Pumpkin gurgled.
“What do you mean you’ve won?!”
“Uh, Pinkie, I think we have a problem here.”
Pinkie Pie turned to her friend; her eyes widening in shock. Pound Cake sat blowing spit bubbles; one of his hooves resting on the trigger of a spring loaded boxing glove pointed right at Applejack. Pinkie turned back to find another loaded boxing glove pointing right at her, Pumpkin giggling in foolish delight.
“Baba, Pinkie”
“You’ll never get away with this, Pumpkin. I’ll hunt you dow—”BAM!
“Eeeeeeeeeee” Pumpkin squealed as Pinkie hit the ground out cold.
Applejack glanced nervously at her own Cake twin, “Easy there, Sugarcube, we can talk about this.”
“Baba, Apple!” BAM!
A breeze blew through the meadow ruffling the unconscious adults’ manes as the two foals hoof bumped over a job well done.
*******
“Applejack, wake up.”
Applejack stirred feeling somepony’s hoof rubbing her shoulder. One of the farmer’s eyes gradually opened; the other swollen shut with a bad bruise. An ice blue, pegasus stallion was standing over her offering a hoof with a concerned look on his face. Applejack recognized him from around town and as a customer, though she couldn’t recall his name at the moment. Applejack took his hoof and he helped her to her hooves.
“You girls must have had one crazy party last night for you to end up out here.” The stallion gestured with his hoof at another pegasus stallion helping Pinkie Pie to her hooves. “My brother and I were just doing a quick flight around Ponyville when we spotted you. Are you two okay? Do you know what happened?”
“Uhhh,” Applejack didn’t know what to say. How do you explain that two foals had apparently tricked and left them out cold?
“Well…” Before she could say anything else a pink blur jabbed a hoof in her mouth.
“We just had a little too much to drink last night is all; you know how crazy my parties can get.” The black eye discoloring half of Pinkie’s face offset her manic smile. Her leg
snaked around Applejack’s barrel pulling her close.
“Right, Applejack?” The smile never left her face as the words came through clenched teeth.
“Uhhh,”
Pinkie’s leg began to tighten around the farm pony.
“Right, just too much ta drink.”
The pegasi shared an uncertain look. Pinkie’s grip tightened and Applejack thought she could hear one of her ribs start to crack.
“Yeah, you know me, silly ol’ Applejack drinking too much, aheheh,” Applejack smiled nervously, trying not to grimace.
“If you’re sure alright…”
“Right as rain!” Pinkie said nodding her head enthusiastically.
“Well, we’ll leave you to it then.”
The pegasi jumped into the sky; Pinkie Pie waved goodbye with Applejack joining her with minimum prodding. As soon as the pegasi were out of sight, Pinkie grabbed Applejack dragging her toward her secret tunnel.
“Come on AJ! We can still catch them.”
“Pinkie, what the hay” – Applejack dug her hooves in the ground trying to get the pink pony to stop – “just happened.”
“Come on Applejack they couldn’t have gotten far.” Pinkie let go of the struggling farm pony and galloped for her secret tunnel. Throwing the trap door open, Pinkie jumped inside.
“Awww ponyfeathers,” muttered Applejack before galloping after her friend.
*******
After running around all day, and being coldcocked by a foal, Applejack was slightly winded as she entered Pinkie’s secret lab. Her mouth dropped open at the sight that greeted her.
“What? How? Whaaa?!”
Everything was gone; the ovens, piles of sugar and candy, the lab equipment. The desk had been ransacked; the safe pried open and empty. Pinkie Pie sat in the middle of the room; her hair hanging limply around her head.
“I taught them everything I knew...” – Applejack barely heard her friend’s whisper as she crossed the room still in awe. – “and they betrayed me.”
“Pinkie, How… I…I don’t understand?”
Pinkie Pie whirled around startling the confused farm pony. Tears streamed from her one good eye.
“Don’t you get it AJ? They took everything they could carry and skipped town. We’ll never be able to find them now. It’s over they won!”
“But Pinkie, they’re barely a year old. How did they even take all this stuff?”
“They’re gone Applejack, just give it up already!” Pinkie shouted, storming out of her lab. Applejack heard her stomp up the stairs and out of the basement. Applejack’s eye began to violently twitch.
“What. The. Buck. Is. Going. On!”
Her shout echoing around the room, Applejack made her way out of the basement. As she entered the main floor of Sugarcube Corner, Mrs. Cake smiled at her, but quickly frowned in concern.
“Oh dear, Applejack your face! Pinkie Pie said the two of you tumbled down the stairs...”
Mrs. Cake’s voice faded in the roar of rage beating in her head as Applejack’s eyes narrowed on a pair of giggling twins and the pink earth pony making funny faces at them.
“Applejack?”
“Huh, whut?” Applejack shook the fury from her mind feeling the older mare’s hoof on her shoulder.
“Do you want an ice pack?”
“No, I’m fine, Mrs. Cake” – Applejack spared one more glance at the laughing trio across the room – “Ah think I’m gonna head home and try to forget this day ever happened.”
“Ok… If you’re sure?”
“Ah’m sure” Applejack said already walking out the door.
*******
Applejack entered Sweet Apple Acres just as the sun was beginning to dip below the horizon. Applejack ignored the three struggling fillies coated in tree sap and the brother valiantly trying to pry them off the side of the barn, as she trudged up her front steps into her home. Her day had been hard enough. Applejack found her grandmother preparing dinner as she entered the kitchen.
“Did’ja have a good day with your friend young’ in?”
The only response she received was Applejack’s noncommittal grunt as the younger mare reached into the fridge pulling out the hard cider saved for special occasions. Filling a mug, Applejack made it as far as her living room before collapsing on a chair. Holding her mug over her swollen eye, Applejack had just gotten comfortable when there was knock on the door.
Groaning, Applejack stood and opened the door to find Fluttershy with the most serious expression on her face the farm mare had ever seen.
“Applejack, we need to cook.”
Applejack slammed the door.
Author's Note
This is what happens when you get to much Breaking Bad in your ponies.
