Faust's Epic Quest, or "Chaotic Evil's a bit Rubbish, I'm going to Kick Tzeentch's Flank!"

by Prince_Staghorn

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Romance, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 917

The first prisoner put in Tartarus escapes, and Faust decides to stop him.

Tzeentch, the first villain ever imprisoned in Tartarus, escapes. Rather than have someone else do it, Tau Sunflare Faust herself decides to fight him… after cancelling her trip to Hawai'i, much to her annoyance.

Gathering the forces of her sister and dragging her ex-husband out from his room under Canterlot, she begins an epic quest… and unfortunately, all three end up having various hilarious side adventures. Will they find Tzeentch? What is his evil plan? Can Lord Eclipse REALLY eat 38 pies in one sitting? Find out in Faust's Epic Quest!

Rated Teen because Slaanesh… just Slaanesh.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-23 16:43:23 UTC

Preface: Scorpan's Bad Day

Tartarus, Cell Block 338, Section B, Row 5, The 4th cell

Tartarus. A country converted through massive space-warping magic into an even more massive prison. Within Tartarus were actually very few cells, mostly consisting of rolling hillsides, forests, and a small country known as Tiralec. The "prison" part that gets the publicity is beyond that.

Within the furthest part of the prison portion are four cells, each holding the first prisoners Tartarus ever received... or at least 2 do now, since Khorne and Nurgle got out due to good behavior. Nurgle was expected, but considering Khorne is the type of pony interested in maiming, slaughtering, and other even more painful methods of killing... yeah... moving on...

In one cell was a pinkish unicorn of indeterminate gender... but s/he's not that important. Within the other is an alicorn, heavily mutated by chaotic energy, his body hunched in an unnatural bipedal stance, mane and tail flaming, and bony spurs projecting from his body.

This is Tzeentch, a being with the distinct honor of being Tartarus' very first prisoner, locked away by Tau Sunflare Faust herself back when Equestria was still a new country. Well, relatively new, seeing as Queen Iris ruled it for a good number of decades before passing the throne to her scribe, Faust.

Anyway, Tzeentch was a self-proclaimed Chaos Lord, and along with Nurgle, Slaanesh, and Khorne, he decided to rise up against Faust and overthrow her by means of forbidden rituals, which consisted of a bunch of chanting and waving their arms around, basically amounting to asking Azathoth for Chaos Powers, and the big blind idiot Draconequus shrugging and saying *OKAY.***

And so they were twisted into hideous shapes- except for Khorne, who just got minor powers and long life- and they went to overthrow Faust. Unfortunately, they weren't prepared for an actual fight, and Faust beat them within a month, then worked with Starswirl the Bearded to construct Tartarus so they could be contained.

And that's the end of the exposition, so we can get back to the story.

Tzeentch had sat brooding in his cell for centuries, and frankly, he was getting sick of it. The thing about Tzeentch was that he was an EXPERT at planning, even compared to ancient geniuses like the first Nyarlathotep and modern geniuses like that Grey Parrot in Manehattan, Xanatos or whatever his name is. Tzeentch had so many plans, sometimes he actually ended up foiling his own plans because he had made a new plan and forgot about the other one, but it required the original plan to fail so he could succeed. That was why he waited, in the hopes that some plan he forgot about would allow him to escape.

As it turned out, it was the one that involved causing a random swarm of Purple Worms to fall out of the sky.

***

In his opinion, Scorpan had it relatively easy. Being the Guardian of Tartarus mostly consisted of feeding Cerberus and guarding the single door leading outside the prison. This meant Scorpan could mostly relax and watch the wildlife strolling across the countryside.

His position was relatively new, having signed up for it after Tirek's little kerfuffle in Equestria. Scorpan saw it as an opportunity to re-connect with his stepbrother, possibly re-forging the close friendship they had at one point...

Plus it got him away from the Midnight Kingdom. Scorpan loved his mom, but it got irritating listening to her nag him for not cleaning his fur. He liked those bugs crawling in there, and Haydon would just have to deal with it!

Now, as Scorpan relaxed, a large dragon happened to be flying overhead, carrying a very specific cargo... which promptly descended and hit the ground in a smelly pile.

***

The Purple Worm is a ferocious creature. A typical adult is 80 feet in length, 5 feet in diameter and weighs 40,000 pounds. They are covered in segmented purple armor, and have a mouth of sharp teeth capable of burrowing through rock.

Purple worms eat almost any organic material they find, and are also able to gain sustenance from the minerals in the rocks they burrow through. They are always hungry and active, apart from on those rare occasions when they hibernate (often for several years at a time).

However, a little-known fact is that purple worms are parasitic for the first few years of their life, and are specifically evolved to thrive within the lower intestine of a dragon.

Once they reach a fair size, they simply wait for nature to take its course...

***

Tzeentch was impatient. He had plans going on, BIG plans.

Or maybe he didn't.

Or did he?

He wasn't sure himself, honestly. He had considered that all his plans to escape Tartarus might have ended up cancelling each other out. After all there were... hmm... two hundred eighty.... six? That seemed like the right number. Or was it? Maybe? Maybe not?

It was hard to think with that grinding noise.... wait... Tzeentch's eyes widened and his mouth split in a gleeful grin.

"HA! I KNEW I DID THE RIGHT THING BY FLIPPING THAT CABBAGE CART!"

That was when the purple worms, roughly 5 feet long, broke through his cell wall and continued burrowing through the floor, leaving fair-sized hole to freedom. Tzeentch turned to his neighbor.

"Well, my friend, I must bid you goodbye! I would say it was a pleasure, but frankly I don't want to! Later loser!"