I used to be a spy...

by hen3ry

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Bon-Bon, Crossover, Lyra, Cloudkicker, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sparkler
Length: 3426

Sweetie Drops, Secret Agent, adapts to losing her job

My name is Sweetie Drops. I used to be a spy, until...*"We've got a burn notice on you. You're blacklisted."* When you're burned, you've got nothing: no cash, and no job history, and you certainly can't rely on your special talent. You're stuck in whatever city they decide to dump you in. You do whatever work comes your way. You depend on anyone who's still talking to you. Your ex marefriend. An old buddy from the Academy. A slightly insane roommate. And if you're really desperate, family.

Long story short, as long as you're burned, you're going nowhere.
--
Sweetie Drops, now living as Bon Bon, must adapt to life in a seemingly sleepy town, stripped of her job in disgrace after a mission gone bad. But as a mare of action, she can't resist taking the occasional odd job. Besides, she needs the bits. And maybe, just maybe, she'll do a good enough job one day for the Princesses to take notice, and hire her back on as a secret agent.

Published 2015-06-15 00:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-16 18:01:52 UTC

1 - Bucked

Sweetie Drops stood a silent vigil atop the entrance to a box canyon in an arid region of Western Equestria, while a small squad of Royal Guards flew around some sort of grizzly bear/bumblebee hybrid flying around in the canyon below.

My name is Sweetie Drops, and I'm a secret agent. Really, the job of a monster hunting secret agent isn't always to drop a four ton boulder on a freakin' bugbear. But it's makes a very satisfying splat when it does work.

She gives a mighty kick to the boulder, sending it sailing down below. It seems to be on a direct course to hit the Bugbear square in the noggin, when suddenly, one of the guardsponies slams into the beast, and out of the way of a quickly falling stone...

And a real problem when it doesn't. Well, damn, Silver Shield, that's gotta hurt.

As the guardsponies move to try and lift the boulder off their fellow trooper, the Bugbear stares upward, eyes narrowed at where the boulder came from. Sweetie Drops makes a run for it, with the Bugbear hot on her trail.

Ponies tend to think that monsters are mindless beasts. I so wish that was true, it'd make life a whole lot easier. The truth is, while they're not the brightest minds around, they're usually smart enough to be single minded jerks about anyone who tries to squish em. Go figure. Usually the best way to go is to get em so mad that they'll get themselves stuck in some obstacle.

At a full gallop, Sweetie Drops darts between a pair of trees, which the Bugbear simply smashes out of his way a moment later. She then slides under a low rocky undercropping, which the Bugbear flies over.

If they're absurdly strong and can fly, however, that's not going to get you very far. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is run like hell until you can think of something better.

Sweetie Drops continues to run, with the bugbear hot on her tail. With her mouth, she grabs something from a pocket, and swings it out somewhere.

In a pinch, a cave can be a decent bugout spot. As long as whatever's chasing you is smaller than the entrance to the cave. Because if it can get in, you've just trapped yourself. The problem is, even if it can't get in, if it decides to stay, you're still trapped. If there's no caves nearby, you can make one by dropping an explosive into a gopher hole, then jumping in. And hoping the beast doesn't know how to dig.

An explosion erupts to the side of where Sweetie Drops threw what we now know is a grenade. She turns directly towards the dust cloud, and vanishes within.

The Bugbear stares in confusion for a moment as the dust settles. We get a very very brief glimpse of Sweetie Drops' tail in the ground, then nothing but a crater with several holes into the ground. The Bugbear roars in anger, then heads off slowly.

The only real problem with gopher holes, is that they're populated by, well, gophers. And if you just tossed a grenade into their home, they're very angry gophers. Which you can't run away from.

***

"... and they bite like hell when they're mad, Sir," Sweetie Drops said, glancing up from a hospital bed. Above her, a stern-faced unicorn stallion in a business suit glanced down.

"I'm going to be honest here, Drops. You really bucked up badly this time. Because of your showboating, we've lost tracking on a very dangerous creature, and you injured a Royal Guardspony in the process. If you're lucky, it'll be desk work for a while. And if not..."

"Oh, come on! I'm the best agent the company has, and the Director knows it. My rock drop was on target, it was that dumbflank rookie who messed it up. And even if I take the blame for it, that'd be my first mission fail. Ever."

"You also have a bad habit of causing collateral damage, Drops. That's the worst thing here - this mission you only hurt one pony, that's actually your best score."

Sweetie Drops huffed, blowing mane out of her face. "What about Manehattan three months ago?"

"Oh, you're right I suppose. I mean, the bridge was empty when you blew it up. So technically no one was hurt."

Sweetie Drops grumbed under her breath. "I used the smallest amount of force necessary to achieve the mission."

"And that's your problem, Drops. You decide the mission is all-important, and any force is justified. If ponies are hurt, well, so be it." A scroll poofed into existence next to the unicorn, and he levitated it. His ears flopped down as he read.

"Desk duty then?" Sweetie Drops asked, hopefully.

"No. We've got a burn notice on you. You're blacklisted. I'm sorry, kid, you're out."

"I'll be back, Sir. Do what you need to do."

The unicorn levitated a syringe, and injected Sweetie Drops in the neck. "Good bye, kid, we won't be meeting again."

***

When you're burned, you've got nothing. No cash, and no job history. Officially, you no longer exist. All your fake identities are destroyed. Those connections you use to slip effortlessly into the seam of some underworld group or attach yourself to some Guard unit to get done what needs to be done, gone in a puff of smoke.

They can take away your name, your gadgets, and even your connections, but they can't take away the skills that got you there in the first place. Well, they could, I suppose, but unless you're worth banishing to Tartarus, they'd rather see you live a quiet retirement somewhere. So they send you off to some backwater town, and the rule is, you don't leave that town without permission. Or else.

Retirement? Well, buck that, I was born to be a Special Agent, and as Celestia as my witness, I would be one again. No one's ever come back from a burn notice? That's only because I've never been burned before.

Author's Note

So yes, it's sorta a crossover with Burn Notice, at least as far as premise goes, with ~~Bon Bon~~ Sweetie Drops in the central role. Next chapter, she finds herself in some sleepy town (gee, I wonder where!) and meets up with an old friend.

2 - Ponyville Blues

Being drugged is no fun. Depending on what you were dosed with, you either come to slowly, not really yourself, or you come to with a pounding headache as if you'd drunken way too much the night before. This one had elements of both. I would have bucking killed for a decent cup of coffee, and could hardly manage to raise my hoof for a while, much less get out of bed. Which meant I was sitting, staring at a cold, nondescript room which I didn't recognize, and which provided no clue as to my location.

Sweetie Drops managed to slowly stumble to her hooves, and slowly walk towards the one window in the bedroom.

When an agent is Burned, they're kept somewhere safe. After all, Equestria has invested a lot of time and money into turning an Agent into what they are. And it's very important that the Agent isn't used against them, even if the Agent is no longer wanted. So they get stuck in some random podunk town, for the most part, and are watched. Where you get stuck depends a lot on what kind of control they think they can keep on you. I half expect they'll have sent me to Fairbucks or Frescolt or Horseshoe Harbor. Somewhere boring enough to keep a good set of controls on...

"... oh, buck me," Sweetie Drops moaned, as she realized what she was looking at out the window. "Ponyville," she added, spitting the word out as if it were vile profanity.

"Yes, Ponyville," a female voice from behind answered.

Sweetie Drops turned slowly, and her face broke out into a smile. "Oh... Amethyst! Wow, uh, it's been a while!"

The unicorn smiled back, then spun and bucked Sweetie in the ribs. "It's Sparkler, you moron."

It's a fact that the average Earth Pony is physically stronger than the average Unicorn. It's also a fact that being kicked in the ribs by a fully grown mare hurts, no matter who's doing the kicking.

Sweetie Drops collapsed to the ground in pain, gripping her barrel where it had been smashed. Sparkler approached closer. "And yes, it's been a long time, Bon Bon. Do you remember where we met?"

When you're being interrogated by someone who's very very angry with you, there are a few responses which aren't entirely insane. You can answer wrong on purpose, to try and throw them even further out of control. You can try and diffuse the situation and avoid the questions, but that's tricky to pull off. You can answer honestly - if the honesty won't hurt you.

".. Las Pegasus, wasn't it?" Sweetie Drops asked.

Or you can take a wild guess and hope to Tartarus you're right.

Sparkler snorted. "Vanhoover," she corrected, sitting on her haunches. "You left without so much as a word. I thought you were dead."

"Ah.. Vanhoover," Sweetie Drops repeated, with a sigh. "Diamond Dogs dealing in forbidden charms, which lead to pursuing a Saddle Arabian smuggler..." She frowned. "I shouldn't have said that."

"Well I'm not surprised. You're on enough painkillers to tranquilize a cow," Sparkler said, now seemingly cheerful. "And before you ask, no, I didn't give you anything. A couple guards came to me, asked if I knew you, and asked me to keep an eye on you, you were already dosed. So what exactly going on, Bon Bon? I thought you were a pastry chef. What are you, some kind of spy?"

"You've been reading too many books," Sweetie Drops answered.

"And you think I'm an idiot," Sparkler answered, poking Bon Bon in the rib she had just kicked.

One of the first things an agent learns is that seducing someone isn't always the best way to get your way. In fact, falling in love with somepony is dangerous. It potentially gives someone else leverage over you. They could foalnap your lover, for instance. Still, when you don't have any other cards to play, it can be worth a shot. Sometimes it's easier to pull off with someone you've already been intimate with.

"Of course not, you're one of the smartest mares I've ever been with. I had to pull a lot of tricks out of my bag to keep things secret from you. It was worth it, though, you've got a flank that won't quit..."

But it's usually not a good idea to try it when you're high on painkillers. Although, at least it doesn't hurt as bad when you get kicked again.

When Sweetie woke back up again, she groaned in pain from her sore barrel. A somewhat more contrite looking Sparkler looked down upon her, carrying a bowl of salad in her levitation field. "Maybe we should declare a truce," Sparkler suggested.

"I think I can live with that," Sweetie Drops agreed. "What did the guards tell you when they left me with you?"

"They said you'd been robbed, and as best they knew you were from Ponyville. Since I work in the Mayor's office here now, they left you in my care."

"And they told you my name was Bon Bon?"

"Actually they said they didn't know your..." Sparkler frowned. "Ah. So, what's your real name?"

Sweetie started to speak, then thought better of it. "I'm not going to lie to you. But I can't answer that question."

The problem with names is that they have power. Oh sure, some crazy warlock could do crazy things with them, but what I was really concerned with is somepony connecting the dots. Of all the towns they could have sent me to, they sent me to Ponyville. My mom's farm was just outside Ponyville. And if my real name started floating around town... well, there's torture and there's mom. It's one reason spies use fake identities. It makes it harder to catch you in the act, and harder to trace you back after somepony realizes they've been had.

"Fine. Then you're Bon Bon, for now," Sparkler said. "But you know I'm going to find out. You're going to need new ID if your old one was stolen, and like I said..."

"you work in the Mayor's office. And a town this small, you probably ARE the Mayor's office."

"Pretty much," Sparkler agreed. Then frowned. "So you really are from Ponyville, if you already know that," she added, passing the bowl of salad over.

"No use in denying it," Sweetie Drops answered.

"Any family left in town then? I could contact them for you."

"I'm not on good terms with my family. I kinda..."

"Let me guess," Sparkler said. "You left in the middle of the night with no word, and then never contacted them again, right?"

"That's... not far off from the truth, actually," Sweetie Drops admitted. "How'd..."

"It fits the pattern of how you treat the ponies who love you," Sparkler said. She stood, and started to walk out of the room. "You have exactly three days to find a place of your own or figure out how to pay rent. Life is too short to be fooled by someone like you a second time."

Like I said, Sparkler was one of the smartest ponies I'd ever been with. Too smart, really. Looks like I would be needing a job.

It had been years since I'd been back to Ponyville. And although there were other ponies who knew me back then, I didn't quite look the same; I'd ditched those awful glasses, for one. But really, my best hope was obscurity, for now. And after I'd left town, there was only one other pony who I knew from my Ponyville days that I ran into later. Luckily there was no way she was around he-

"Hey, Dropsie!," came the shout from above.

"Ponyfeathers," Sweetie Drops muttered, glancing up. "What the hay are you doing here, Cloud? Weren't you on the Long Patrol?"

Cloud Kicker landed with a flutter of her wings. "Turns out if you hit on a Colonel's husband, you're pretty much done in the Guard," she said, with a smirk that suggested she was very much not sorry. "C'mon, you owe me a drink or five."

"Er... I'm not exactly flush with bits right now, Cloud," Sweetie Drops answered. "Kinda lost my job."

"Ouch. Well, then, I'll buy you one, buddy," Cloud Kicker answered, leading the way with an outstretched wing.

Ok, this was bad luck, but salvageable. Cloud Kicker had been in the Guard - in fact, she'd started at the academy just before I was transferred out to start my agent training. I hadn't learned yet to completely cut my past out at the time, so I'd thrown a proverbial wing over her shoulder at first, and we'd kept in touch somewhat ever since. Still, it was strange that she...

As the pair of mares approached a table at a local bar, Sweetie Drops eyes narrowed at Cloud Kicker. "You were looking for me."

"What? Oh, come on, a gal sees a pal of hers from way back, and can't say hi? Yo Berry, slide us a couple hard ciders here."

"I didn't say you couldn't say hi. But it's pretty weird that you spot me about 5 minutes after I get into town."

"Oh please, you got into town last ni..."

"Aha!"

Cloud Kicker gave a sigh, as the drinks arrived. She took a long pull from her cider before speaking. "Fine, fine. Couple of suits came to my place last night, asked me to keep an eye on you for em. You gotta understand, Dropsie, they're holding my pension hostage, and part time weather duty doesn't pay all that well. You know I'd never betray you."

When the Company needs to keep an eye on a former asset, they're not going to waste their resources by assigning one of their few Secret Agents to the job. A little pressure, a few bits, and a few sweet words about how you're not really betraying your old friend is a lot cheaper, and works just about as well. At least they'd found one of the few friends I had who had no reason to want to kill me. Silver linings and all that.

"Just so we know where we stand," Sweetie Drops answered, a little stiffly. "I don't suppose they gave you my cover identity? Or do they expect me to just flounder?"

"You're not going to like it."

"Unless you're gonna tell me they expect me to move back in with my mother, it can't be that bad."

Cloud Kicker shook her head, and pulled out an envelope. "My contact said they could get you in as a farmhand at Sweet Apple Acres. Oh, don't make that face, you did grow up on a farm, and I know how stupidly strong you are."

"Second to last resort. And that's a little too close to mom's place anyway."

"Yeah, uh, speaking of that, Dropsie, I..."

"Oh, come on, it's not even noon yet," came an annoyed voice. Sparkler stood at the entrance to the bar, glaring at the pair. "And Bon Bon too, I should have known."

"Bon Bon?" whispered Cloud Kicker.

"Just go with it," Sweetie Drops answered. "And you'll notice," she continued, speaking louder, "I haven't even opened mine."

"Well that's good, since I know for a fact you don't even have ID," Sparkler said, approaching the table, and grabbing the cider in her field.

"Hey! Now that's alcohol abuse!" Cloud Kicker complained, reaching for the full bottle. "I bought that for my old pal here, not you."

"And you didn't notice your old pal never drinks?" Sparkler retorted, popping the cap off. "Some private eye you are."

"Private eye?" Sweetie Drops asked.

"Well, you know, odd jobs and stuff. Somepony's gotta do it, right?" Cloud Kicker answered.

"Well we've actually got a job for you, Cloud. Assuming that one you're drinking is your first, and you're mostly sober."

Cloud's eyes narrowed. "You're serious. Alright, Sparkler, what's the job?"

"Missing filly, earth pony, blank flank, gone for about three days now, last seen in her own bedroom. Her mom reported her missing right away, but the constable is stumped. She's got no known enemies, family's got no known enemies, and the kid was happy as a puppy. Her name is Twist," Sparkler answered, and pulled out a photo of the missing filly. "You're the expert, such as it is."

Cloud rubbed a hoof to her chin. "Most foalnappings are family affairs. Mom and dad stealing the kids. So where's the dad?"

Sparkler shook her head. "Peppermint was a single mom. Doesn't even know who the dad was."

"She's got to have some idea, even if there's multiple candidates," Cloud answered. "It's still more likely than a random grabbing." She drained what was left of her cider. "Hey, uh, Bon Bon, you need the bits, right? Why don't you tag along?"

Sweetie Drops shook her head in the negative. "A Fillynapping? Really?"

Cloud gave a little shrug "Hey, a job's a job, right? Gives us a chance to catch up more, too."

"Is she even qualified?" Sparkler asked.

"Is she qualified! Hon, this mare here, the one thing I know about her is if she's got a job to do, she gets it done no matter what."

"Not always," Sweetie Drops muttered under her breath.

Sparkler sighed. "Well, I did tell her to find a way to pay the rent. Alright, Cloud, if you want to split the pay with her, it's no skin off my snout."

"I haven't said yes yet," Sweetie Drops pointed out.

"You're living with her? I'd take the job just to stay out of the house then," Cloud Kicker said with a grin.

"Why you," Sparkler said, in mock outrage, swatting at the pegasus.

Celestia, save me from well meaning friends.

Author's Note

There's not going to be a one-to-one correspondence to Burn Notice. This is first and foremost an MLP story. That said, Ponyville is a weirdness magnet..

Time frame here is a bit before the Summer Sun Celebration, which is why Twist is still a blank flank.